The Bartender has given birth to a brand-new baby (artist’s depiction above), so we thought we’d give her the week off. CONGRATULATIONS, The Bartender!
Please enjoy your open thread.
Cocktail Hour: Open Thread
The Bartender has given birth to a brand-new baby (artist’s depiction above), so we thought we’d give her the week off. CONGRATULATIONS, The Bartender!
Please enjoy your open thread.
Oh, beloveds, life is not treating me well. I am still recovering hormonally/emotionally from the hysterectomy (and that only after a nerve-wracking period when my vaginal cuff started to tear open a few weeks ago) and this week I received the results from the MRI I had for my long-time back issues. Apparently I’ve been walking around for eighteen months with a torn disc.
I have no grace left with which to handle this latest health setback. It’s taking a toll on my mental faculties and I haven’t been able to spend much time on the internet because tasks at my job are taking more effort than they used to. But enough about my health crap because I am sick sick sick of it.
I’m concerned that I missed an announcement about ToastPost matchups. I didn’t see anything on Twitter, but my observational skills aren’t the best right now. Have matches been sent out yet?
No, they haven’t been sent and won’t be until March iirc.
Hurray! The one concern in my life that is easily answered was about The Toast. Of course! Thank you, Toast, for continuing to be a source I can rely on for helpful content and quick rewards!
I am sorry about your health stuff, this mortal coil etc., but I missed your bangin’ .gif skillz the other day when someone pointed out it was TOAST DAY and there were zero gifs to celebrate.
Meanwhile, this is the best I have to offer by way of <3
http://goodstuffhappenedtoday.tumblr.com/post/139…
and
http://goodstuffhappenedtoday.tumblr.com/post/139…
OMG flower-sniffing animals yesssssssssssssss
Poop, I’m not on Twitter; is it too late to match me up? I did this last year and had a great time with it!
Not too late at all! The form ishere!
ooh i didn’t know about this!!! definitely signing up
Thank you!
Yaaay! Thanks so much for doing this! I love postcards!!
Thank you, I missed this this round too. All signed up now =)
Me too! Hooray. 🙂
I hope that finding the source of your back pain leads to a solution so you feel well as soon as possible, but also feeling a little ragey on your behalf for this being something people overlooked for so long. That’s just not okay.
Yeah, just like nobody suggested I might have fibroids until they got so big I needed to have them cut out of my body. THANKS, MODERN MEDICINE.
Nope! I’m still collecting addresses and won’t send out matches until late March/early April!
I would love to get in on this!
I have JUST the google form for you then! http://goo.gl/forms/OfOFV3J834
Oh god, I feel you on the undiagnosed back problems. Why are so many doctors always so ready to dismiss their patients’ lived experiences?!
My husband threw his back out at his martial arts class more than a year ago. He was in tremendous pain. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t exercise. His primary care doctor wouldn’t give him anything for the pain stronger than advil. (I think he suspected drug-seeking, and it rages me out every time I think of it.)
Because his PCP wouldn’t help, he went to an acupuncturist and a chiropractor, both of whom gave him marginal relief. But it was still bad enough that he couldn’t stand or walk for more than an hour or so without pain shooting down his legs—this went on for a year. He continued to visit the PCP when he has flare-ups and continued to be told rest and ice were the only treatments.
Finally, after a year of living with this disabling pain, he wrote his PCP a desperate, angry email at 3 a.m. one night asking why they wouldn’t help him (had hadn’t slept more than a couple hours a night in weeks). His regular doc happened to be out of the office, and one of his colleagues at the clinic replied that my husband should come in right away. This other doctor gave him good drugs for the pain, which finally allowed him to sleep, and referred him to a spine specialist.
Lo and behold, the specialist ordered an MRI, and the MRI showed a severely herniated disk pressing on the spinal nerves.
But the part that makes me the most angry is that the spine specialist said it would have been entirely fixable if someone had just done the imaging when the injury first happened (AKA, if his PCP had taken him seriously). Now that it has had a year to heal and scar there’s basically nothing to be done.
I wish I knew where in the world I would have to live for this kind of thing to stop happening. America has many good qualities, but taking care of its people isn’t one of them.
Jeeze Louise! That is horrible, and since you are American, I suspect that your only recourse is the time-honored American tradition of suing the pants off that PCP.
OH MY GOD all my sympathy to your husband. That’s horrible. I admit I’m nervous that I’m gonna go to the specialist/PT person and they’re gonna be all “well if I’d seen you a year ago…”
I was thinking about you just yesterday actually. Sorry to hear things are still crummy. I’m sorry it’s so tough. I hope your back starts to get better soon. Mine has been a total disaster the past two weeks, mainly I’m guessing from hunching over my laptop. Last night I was awoken with terrible lower back pain, shooting down my legs, so that was a fun time.
I’ve been seeing your LJ updates and not having spoons to find anything to say, but I hope you are able to feel better soon and you get all the rest and support and healing that you need. <3
YOU, TOO BB
I’m so sorry to hear about all that. Wishing you relief and support and a respite from the pain and stress.
Thank you.
My dear Toastfriend, I’m sorry you’re struggling. I wish for you lots of deep restorative sleep, complete with the best kind of dreams featuring your yummy Hiddles. May you heal swiftly and thoroughly, inside and out. ::Toasthugs::
All the new gifs and clips from The Night Manager sure aren’t hurting!
I am so sorry to hear about this new health setback, and I hope something unexpected and ridiculously wonderful happens to you in the very near future. In the meanwhile, Toasthugs are available.
Unexpected and ridiculously wonderful would be a glorious change of pace! Yes yes!
Damn. I am so sorry about your health issues. 🙁
Thank you everyone for the comments. Believe it or not (believe it), my (two-week old) work computer just failed in a spectacular way (again) and I’m not going to be able to respond to comments except on my phone which is (let’s face it) Not Happening. I’m still reading and appreciating them, though! GIF KISSES TO ALL (I cannot access my usual gif folders).
I’m gonna post this now before the computer decides to completely die on me.
That sounds awful, I’m sorry. Sounds like one of these times:
We’ve missed you!! I can certainly commiserate on the pileup of health issues… feels like if it isn’t one thing it’s another! Plus the constant back and forth from the doctor’s office/hospital. Ugh. I’m glad you finally know what’s up with your back though; hopefully things can start to get better now that you know the issue! Plus, I think all this trouble entitles you to a long period of smooth sailing sometime in the future.
I am hoping my bizarrely simple and not-fully-understood success in buying Hamilton tickets was the universe’s idea of a karmic deal for all the woes. I mean, like, I’m happy about the tickets but I did not sign this contract, yo.
I am so sorry you’re having a rubbish time. I know exactly what you mean about not having enough grace to handle this latest thing, it’s a shitty situation to be in.
Are you able to acquire the BBC and watch Hiddles in the Night Manager? That might help.
I am waiting to hear Tumblr’s response to it before I commit the time to watch it. I dodged a bullet with London Spy doing that, so it seems like a reasonable approach since I don’t mind being spoiled.
Oh man. Feel better. Back problems are the worst, second only to computer problems. Good luck.
I’m so sorry about the pain pileup, CleverManka. That is totally a drain on cognition and energy and ability to deal.
Not that you *need* permission, but it’s okay to be all out of grace. I know I would be!
Sending gentlest hugs, if you would like them.
Thank you, yes, and it does help to be told I’m not over-reacting.
What a rotten cherry to top your poor health sundae! I can only hope that a (relatively) speedy resolution is in your near future along with something spectacularly wonderful to make up for all this bullshit.
Good heavens, health and something else spectacularly wonderful? A surfeit of riches!
Being sick of being sick is the most demoralizing feeling. *gentle hug*
Thank you for saying that. It really is! And I say “I’m upset I can’t do X” and people respond “Oh don’t beat yourself up.” I’m like, I’m not beating myself up. I am legitimately angry about the fact that I am unable to do the things I want to do.
My dear, I am so sorry about your health problems. I miss you and am glad to hear from you. I hope you get some delightful Toast Post matches!
Ah, I can’t imagine anything but delightful Toast Post matches! I <3 my Toasties.
Oh Manka. Hugs for you!
I have been in GIF training in your honour but I know I will never reach your levels of brilliance
YES finally it’s cocktail hour! I’ve been impatiently waiting all week because Toasties, I’m in need of some breakup advice.
My bf and I have been dating for almost 4 years, the last 2 of which have been long distance. We went separate ways after undergrad, him to New York and me home to Atlanta. We were both hoping that after a year or two, one or both of us would be willing to move. Perhaps unsurprisingly, that has not happened!! We are both super happy in our respective cities with our jobs and sets of close friends. He visited a couple weekends ago and, after months of back and forth, we decided that it’s best for both of us if we break up.
I was already planning to visit him next month (for our 4-yr anniversary!! What fabulous timing) and am still planning on going. We know it’ll likely be a sad, not fun weekend, but we wanted to have time in person to talk about setting up boundaries, etc. post-breakup and, hopefully, get some sense of closure.
The issue- I know that breaking up is best for both of us right now. Long distance was never great for me, but it’s been harder than ever these last few months. And to be completely honest, being long distance probably helped us stay together for longer. But he’s still so great and I still care for him so much! How am I supposed to go about getting over someone who hasn’t done anything wrong??
Toasties, have any of you been through something similar? What helped you move on from a relationship that you know is not working despite the person being really just generally wonderful?
The person may be generally wonderful, and you don’t need to stop thinking that to get over it. The key is that he is not sufficiently wonderful for your romantic commitment if your life is enjoyable where it is without him there, and he is enjoying his without you. You already moved on, a long time ago!
I think you’re right – thanks for the advice!
The long distance thing definitely suuuuucks– I did it for several years, and it was very wearing. (I ultimately ended up moving, due to job and family reasons, but that’s not always possible or the best option for everybody).
Sometimes things just don’t work out, for all sorts of reasons, and it doesn’t mean that anyone is a bad person. In my experience, amicable break-ups do exist and don’t have to be so bad!! It sounds like you’re halfway there already and you’re both reasonable people. It’s maybe best to have a period where you’re not in contact, but (after a while) you can hopefully resume your friendship and stay in touch. I’ve managed to do this a few times, and we’re all happier people now.
I think this is my ultimate goal! I would genuinely love to have him in my life in some way, but clearly the romance aspect of it is not working. Having a period of no contact is what I’m thinking will be the best way to achieve an eventual friendship – that way we can each fully move on before attempting to be friends. I’m glad to hear that it’s worked for you before – that gives me some hope! 🙂
Yes! Period of no contact is so important. I had similar situ and needed very much to block said person from chat etc. for a few months to regain equilibrium or fall into old patterns.
Aww, so he’s Right but not Right For You? Are you worried you won’t find someone else as Right, or you feel like you “need” a better reason to break up with someone, other than that you’re not happy and he’s not physically in your life? Would it help to write down exactly why you’re feeling this way about the breakup?
It’s a cute dress but it doesn’t fit. You can keep trying it on or you can move to the next rack <3
Ha, I was trying to say this and you said it much better <3
Yep, he’s Right but not Right For Me! I’m not worried about finding someone else as Right – I’ve never felt rushed to meet The One or anything like that. I think the main source of sadness is that I love talking to him and hanging out with him, and now that is all ending. I’m sad for the times that we won’t have together in the future, but happy that I have so many to reflect on from our relationship. I’m also sad because I know that a period of no contact will probably be the best way for both of us to move on, and I’ll really miss being able to chat with him during the day.
That being said, I am hopeful for the future – Like you said, I’ve been trying on the cute dress for awhile but it’s time to move on!
Those kinds of breakups are so wrenching.
My tips are:
Don’t try to stay friends. For me, it was so hard and painful, and ultimately led to us being on very bad terms. Friendship will happen if it happens, but don’t force it.
In my experience the right rebound can do wonders for getting over a long term relationship, but this totally does not apply to everyone.
It’s okay if you aren’t over him right away. For FOUR YEARS you loved and built a relationship with a wonderful person, and now that’s over! It’s worth grieving. Take some time to grieve. These tips will blunt some of the pain, but you will still have to feel it. You are going to be falling down an emotional black hole, so maybe just lean into it a bit? Healing takes time.
I’m sorry that you experienced that – I definitely don’t want to force a friendship if it’s not natural, and I appreciate your advice on that.
I am trying to give myself some grieving time – I’m not typically one to focus on emotions (I’m the stereotypical Logical One) but I recognize that it’s really important to work through these things and take the time needed to heal.
Yesss I’m the same way. It’s so tempting to just logic my way through feelings.
This Dear Sugar column says it all, and really helped me to come to terms with ending an LDR with a good guy.
Thank you! I will definitely check this out
I printed that out and posted it next to my bed after I broke up with my great-but-not-right guy. Sugar knows.
wonderful person does not equal wonderful relationship. I once ended it with a super guy because I didn’t want to move to LA and he had to move to LA (we pretended for a while, but we broke up when he was visiting. it was still a good weekend) (also there were I think two cross-country booty calls and more naughty phone time than I am willing to calculate *after* the breakup, but whatever, I am terrible with boundaries) (i didn’t really move on very smoothly, is what I’m trying to tell you, for a while, like eight or ten months? then I decided to start dating again and it was all good) (i married the next guy I dated)
Thank you! Glad to hear it ended well for you 😀
Honestly, what helped me the most was a complete absence of communication for at least a few months. It gave me the time to come to terms with my new circumstances, think about MY priorities and goals for my life, and re-imagine a future that didn’t involve my ex in a romantic capacity. Focus on your fabulous life and friends in Atlanta, and maybe find something you can pursue with the freed up time/money that you had been spending on the boyfriend. It sounds like you have a great support network already, which is wonderful! He doesn’t have to have done something wrong for the two of you to decide it’s not the right fit for you anymore. Break ups are always tough, hugs to you!
Thank you! I think completely stopping communication will be the best for awhile. I’ve been interested in volunteering at a couple local organizations so I’m thinking that will be a good way to spend some of my newly freed-up weekends!
Oh, honey. *Jedi hugs*
Give yourself space. So much space. I broke up with somebody for similar reasons years ago and I was surprised by how much it affected me. I felt like I was completely lost and yet it had been my choice and the right choice and so I had no idea why I felt so unhappy. It hurts, even when it’s the right choice.
But back to the space. *Because* he’s such a wonderful person, it’s going to be a weirder break up than had somebody done something really wrong. You basically have to just not speak for a very long time, let yourself focus on his annoying habits, find things to fill the time you spent on the phone – maybe a new book series? And let yourself be sad. Do whatever sad things you like to do, but also be okay when you have bursts of “Oh, this is kind of nice.” Because they’ll come.
Also, maybe don’t take this trip? I trust your choice, but I just wanted to throw it out there in case you kind of needed to hear somebody say it. Sometimes starting the separating process as soon as possible is really necessary. Either way, though, your Toasties are here for you.
Seconded on space + focusing on the aspects of the person/your relationship that you didn’t like all that much. It sounds so silly/petty/mean, but when you’re healing from something like this sometimes you gotta throw everything you have at it. This can be particularly effective when you’re breaking up with someone that you love and respect; keeps you focused on the reasons for your split and discourages any second/third/fourth thoughts.
This is a good point – Something that’s helped so far is I’ll all of a sudden have these little moments of “oh I can do this now!” or “oh I don’t have to deal with that anymore!” or “It’d be fun to be with someone more <insert characteristic here>!”. Even though we had so many good times together and I’m sad about our breakup, I’m also relieved because I know it wasn’t meant to be.
Thank you!!! That is *exactly* how I’m feeling right now. Obviously I like that he’s such a great person, and I’d rather he continue to be nice & great as opposed to suddenly turning into a negative influence in my life, but it is making it a bit weird.
I’ve very recently gotten back into the habit of going to the library on a regular basis, and so I have a long list of books to read! I think that’s how I’ll be spending my time after work for a bit to give myself some time to rediscover something I really love (reading) while having the added benefit of giving myself something else to focus on.
And thanks for the note about possibly not taking the trip – right now I still want to go so that we can talk in person, but we’ve also talked about the possibility of canceling it if either of us is feeling uncomfortable about it.
Or maybe not stay with him on this trip? If you’re in a hotel, you’ve got a safe place to return to if things get too uncomfortable or painful. You always have the option of staying over if it’s late and you’re in the middle of a good talk. But it’s okay to need and ask for space to help protect your heart a bit during this time.
Ugh, that is always rough. Sometimes I think its helpful to remember that the purpose of dating is not just sorting out the Good people from the Bad people, but also sorting the Good-For-Me people from the Good-But-Just-Not-For-Me people. Its not a failed relationship… you engaged in the process of learning about someone else and yourself*, and it did exactly what it was meant to do. And it sounds like you probably have lots of lovely memories and learned experiences to take into your next new exciting venture.
*a process that is brave and scary and sometimes leaves you temporarily heartbroken and lost (which is OK and good in the long term, not that thats any help now :))
… the purpose of dating is not just sorting out the Good people from the Bad people, but also sorting the Good-For-Me people from the Good-But-Just-Not-For-Me people…
yes yes! it’s relative: what is good may be or may not be good for you – and may be or may not be good for someone else! lots of toastie hugs and solidarity high-fives during this complicated time.
tangentially, I recently found out that my ex is engaged to a formerly-close-friend (this was a way sketchy situ that we won’t get into here) and I felt surprisingly…ok about it. he was the worst partner for me, but maybe he’s the best partner for her – it was a long-distance thing that ultimately killed our relationship, but they were long-distance for a few years before moving cross-country and it seems to be good! so: moral of the story – you’re being honest and vulnerable and real and that’s the best way to go. all becomes clear and you’re doing wonderfully.
If you want to take the trip, do. If you don’t, don’t.
If you go, however, have a backup plan. It’s possible that the entire time– every single moment— will be a gloriously sad but also joyful celebration of what you had, and you’ll look upon it for many years after and be grateful that you had that last bit of time together. But you also might need a break, even if it’s a mostly good experience. Create some plans for if you just need a few hours away (is there some other friend in the area to grab dinner with? a coffeeshop to read a good book in for a few hours?), or plans if you need somewhere else to sleep (friends/family/couchsurfing). Feel free to make these plans *with* him— it might be possible that if the two of you need a night apart, you could take his bed and *he* could crash with a friend.
It’s no fun to feel like things are going badly, you have no means of escape, and you aren’t just spending all of the time with this person but you also have to lose consciousness next to them TOO. If you don’t need the backup plans, GREAT. but have them anyway.
This is a good point! I have a couple of friends and a cousin who live in NYC who I could probably crash with if needed. It’s a very short trip (2 days) but it’s a good idea to have a backup plan!
Working on something like this myself at the moment. I do not have advice, but I do have commiseration and solidarity for you, if you would like either of those. Thank you for looking out for what you need.
Ahhh I’m sorry you’re going through this! Good luck <3
Strong endorsement for this book: http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-D…
it gives you all the steps!
Congratulations, Bartender!!!! yay wee babbies.
I’m currently sitting in the green room of our theater, armed with safety pins if any of the actors in our children’s show have any costume emergencies. Which probably shouldn’t happen, but I get out of class so it’s whatever.
The big news is that my comedy wife and I have started a wonderful blog with some of our character pieces. You can read it here: https://davedanblog.wordpress.com/category/dave-d…
It’s what we do on Friday nights to keep us sane. I’m Dave, she’s Dan. It’s a fun time.
I leave for New York in a week and need all the suggestions for possible places to go/eat. We’re seeing six shows and going to a whole bunch of museums but I also have some free time so any suggestions are welcome!
I always recommend Caracas Arepa Bar and Momofuku Noodle Bar for NYC eats. Our perennial favorites! Have a great time 🙂
i’m the first one here?!
(ETA: no. no i am not.)
first in our hearts tho
But you are the prettiest monster.
oh you guuuuuyz <3
Hooray, Bartender! Congrats!
Guys, I have had the most stressful 24 hours imaginable and I think everything’s going to be okay but man, do I need a cocktail right now. What are your favorite OH PHEW drinks?
Brandy Alexander, and not just for the song, more for the look the bartender gives me when I order it.
French 75 or Aviator or anything a little fizzy and a little sour! 😀
Ditto French 75! My go-to cocktail.
YAAAS the french 75 club!! I keep splits of Champagne around just for this purpose.
I prefer the original, but I’ve had many variations. Including plum wine instead of champagne (which made for a terrible hangover the next day). I had one made with cognac in New Orleans, also quite good.
I’m not the first one to jump to BOTH of these? Ohmygoodness. I really am home, here.
I went to grad school in Wisconsin, so fighting stress with beer is basically a reflex at this point, though I am also a fan of rye manhattans. Enjoy your “oh phew” drink!
This (plus the fact that I had 90 people at baby storytime this morning) makes me want to go get a lovely cocktail after work. Any Philly toasties want to hit Franklin Mortgage?
Cup of tea. I know you’re referring to alcoholic drinks but fuck it, it’s gotta be tea for me!
Tea is perfect. I may do that.
Margaritas, unless I end up just double-fisting tequila shots.
Whisk(e)y. Preferably bourbon. Scotch is for celebrating or savoring.
scotch, neat.
or an elderflower fizz.
Mm, elderflower anything.
For elderflower drinks I’m a fan of the White Linen: Gin, St. Germain, lemon juice, simple syrup, with a cucumber garnish.
That sounds heavenly.
Seconding scotch. Currently working (very slowly) through a bottle of Dun Bheagan.
Seconded. Laphroiag 10! Not horribly expensive, tastes like dirt, sublime.
ETA: Thirded.
Hahaha! MrChouffe LOOOOOVES Laphroaig and also enjoys wine that in his words, tastes like dirt, and all of a sudden things make sense.
Most any cocktail with gin + champagne/prosecco + st. germain. Will also accept my gin with cucumber-something + mint. But basically: light, crisp, slightly sweet gin drinks.
Champagne cocktails until the end of time. After a long week, a champagne cocktail and a good book in a quiet room makes me feel like some kind of heiress.
champagne cocktail with grapefruit bitters all the way.
I love a good gin and tonic, but my “oh god I’m too sober for this week” drink is a Clare Island – rum, sweet vermouth, pear liqueur, and orange bitters.
I have not heard of a Clare Island before. It sounds delicious.
Anything I have in the house. Anything that takes minimal effort to make. (:
To answer the question for real though, last night it was several glasses of wine. My go-to cocktails are gin and tonic and dark and stormy (and really, ginger beer mixed with ANYTHING).
Ginger beer and gin and lime juice (aka a mule) is pretty fucking great, but so are Moscow mules, which are vodka instead of gin.
Seconding the Dark & Stormy. My ultimate go-to drink that is sure to get me hammered ASAP.
Instant hot cocoa, but I use two packets instead of one so that it’s uber-chocolatey and delicious.
Instant hot chocolate with a dash of Chartreuse!
Man, I want some right now…
Depending upon whom in the system, either very dark beer, or rum & coke. Rum and coke often wins out. 🙂
I hope everything is, in fact, okay, and even better than okay!
Hot toddy, especially made using chai or cinnamon tea instead of hot water. Alternately, dark hot chocolate with a shot of Grand Marnier. I basically like drinks that I can have curled up under a blanket with a warm mug in my hands.
You should try the king’s ginger. It’s a very ginger-y liqueur, and it’s basically warmth in a glass. I love it with irish tea in a hot toddy.
Oh, that sounds lovely…
It really, really is. The last time Mr. Delperro had the flu, he basically took the bottle to bed with him, declaring it to be the best medicine he’d ever taken.
When I still worked outside, hot toddies after I got home from work were the best thing ever.
Because I am the most stereotypical Midwesterner alive, there is nothing in the world as satisfying as dropping into an overstuffed recliner and cracking open a domestic lager. (Shhhh. I also like beer-snob beers. But when I need to unironically kick my feet up and say things like “Need ta take a load off,” just hand me a Budweiser and save the side-eye.)
I’m the Pennsylvania equivalent – gimme that Yuengling! (Note: I maintain that Western PA is much more Midwest than it is Mid-Atlantic)
French Gimlet.
2 oz vodka +
1 oz St-Germain +
1/2 or 3/4 oz Nellie & Joe’s Key Lime Juice
Shake well with ice, serve in a cocktail glass.
Alternately, a big, damn margarita at a restaurant with some chips and salsa, guac, and/or queso.
brb getting key lime juice
I swear by it. I only use key lime in cocktails now.
I have acquired a bottle, but now Mr. Delperro needs me to pick him up from work, so I am staring longingly at it.
Whispering “Soon…soon…”
ooh i just made one and yaaaay
I have never thought of having a specific OH PHEW drink. So despite my other reply-to-a-reply regarding a yummy cheap beer, I really want to come up with a drink that I only drink post-stressful-situation. Maybe a grapefruit juice and vodka. That sounds good.
G&T is my always drink, clover clubs for fancy time… I just discovered the Aperol sour and THE WORLD WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
Wine, but that’s my favorite drink for all things that aren’t work.
Me too! Cheers!
This is for all the gin-drinking Toasties!
I had one (ok, several) of these at brunch with a good friend, and we agreed it’s pretty much the perfect cocktail: sour, bitter, sweet, fruity and herb-y. The best part is, it’s not that hard to get ingredients. http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2013/03/brunch…
This has all of my favorite things to booze! I even have all of the ingredients if I cheat and use a pamplemousse San Pellegrino. Thank you for helping me up tonight’s cocktail game.
Yaaay. My parents have a grapefruit tree, and I strip their tree when I visit them, so I have a stash of pink grapefruits specifically for this purpose. I literally make mason jars of it and bring it to parties, now. it will probably be a bit sweeter than the original, but depending on your preferences, that may not be a bad thing?
I will probably like it a little more bitter/sour/potent like the original recipe calls for but my sweetie will be into the more sugary version we can make on hand.
More importantly, I am very envious of your access to a grapefruit tree. That sounds magical.
Living in the sunbelt has its advantages :). Mr. Delperro grew up in a neighborhood in Phoenix that was a former grapefruit orchard, and the kids used to attack each other with the grapefruits. Like snowball fights, only stickier and with more bruises.
I’m so happy to find more people who like gin. I love gin.
G&T or whiskey. If I’m really, really upset, a Singapore Sling, because there’s no way to be unhappy when your drink’s got a little umbrella in it and a whole fucking fruit salad perched on the side of the glass.
Toasties, this has been a pretty shitty year so far. Which is why I feel like it’s important to share this, even though I know it’s kind of rubbing it in the faces of all the people in the world who can’t go see it. But I’m seeing Hamilton tomorrow and I’m just so fucking excited!
Most of my friends/colleagues/family are still Hamilton-clueless so I just wanted to share it with the best people on earth! I haven’t listened to the soundtrack since January in order for it to be as fresh as possible in my memory, but the five hour drive to NYC will feel like an eternity without it!
My sister and Bro-in-law got tix with his Sister and her BF (following me?) on March 12. I have been incredibly jealous, as I have listened to the album every day since the NPR first listen and they have yet to listen to it because they want to be surprised. Which, okay, but…..this is not fair. So I’ve been crafting a plan to get resale tickets and basically sell a kidney to see this show.
Monday, my sister called to let me know that my sister’s sister-in-law and her bf broke up. As a result, they have an extra ticket to Hamilton. So a) I AM SEEING HAMILTON and b) I no longer have to secretly foster resentment toward my family while pretending to be happy for them.
I UNDERSTAND THE JOY and also, that while it feels like bragging, you have to be allowed to be happy sometimes. Be happy. It’s okay.
Hurrah for the demise of sis-in-law’s relationship! (Not really. I’m not a monster. Well, not much of a monster. But I’m excited for you!)
Yeah, I immediately was like, “Oh, I hope someone just can’t travel and PeggySue and Sammy didn’t break up!” And when I found out that they did, I was like, “That sucks.” but it felt insincere because I was internally screaming.
But, really, I want PeggySue to be happy. I just also want to see Hamilton.
I’m sure Sammy wasn’t good enough for PeggySue anyway, and she’ll be better off. And she’ll go to Hamilton & the hot single guy next to her will tale her offered tissue after “Stay Alive” and they’ll bond over the dude in front of them who keeps shifting his head back and forth, making them sway in unison. It’ll be a magical night for PeggySue, and you, and everyone in the Richard Rodgers Theatre.
YES ALL OF THIS.
(They will either fall in love or become wonderful friends, depending on what PeggySue feels like she needs in her life right now.)
Yay! Hamilton joy!
Have the BEST TIME. You know to bring tissues. I listened to the album up until I saw it and just have not stopped since. IMO I do not think it messes up the experience to have listened right up to seeing the show, it’s such a delight.
I felt emotionally battered, but in a good way, after the show. I am getting teary thinking of you getting to see it, it really is magical.
I’m getting teary reading your comment about how you get teary! I literally jump and clap for joy when I think about tomorrow.
Woo Hamilton! I hope it’s a blast!
Thanks!
Sharing the joy is so important! I would venture to guess that nearly half the comments I upvote on the Toast are just people seeing or having seen Hamilton. For me, it helps with the interminable wait until June 29 (and I know I’m still very, very lucky!) and best of all, it makes me happy to see other Hamilfans so happy.
You make my wait until June 30 just a little more unbearable, knowing you get to see it the day before.
There’s nothing like summer in the city, though!
Aw… but yay for end of June in NYC! (So tell yourself what I do, which is that we’re seeing it only 2 1/2 weeks after the Tonys!)
That part of it invigorates me for sure! I’m super impatient. Obviously. It’s bringing up all kinds of catastrophic thinking about things that could occur in my life between now & then, or even less probably to the show. I clearly need to practice some of my ‘stop being a pessimist’ CBT strategies!
Oh, god, yes. I can’t die before seeing Hamilton. I can’t be in a serious car crash on the way there. I will insist on going on crutches/in a wheelchair if I had to. Etc. You are not alone.
Pretty sure I can be in a coma & playing Hamilton for me will bring my synapses to life.
I just see the word Hamilton and like things automatically at this point. I trust The Toast.
I’m so happy for you! And you are allowed to be happy and excited and brag if you want. You’re among friends here. Hamilfriends!
Wheee!!!! Going on Sunday!!! I feel like I bought the tickets decades ago.
Enjoy the show!!
I have kind of a weird issue.
As many of you recall (and I am super glad I have had Toasties throughout this), last May my dad was diagnosed with metastasized, terminal esophageal cancer that has spread to his stomach and other organs. He’s undergoing biweekly chemotherapy, but the doctors are very pleased with how he’s been doing so far. They’ve been able to treat him to the point that he can eat again with comfort, and even work out lightly. He’s in pretty good health besides the cancer (lol), and my parents are financially well off, which is allowing them to travel, visit friends and family, and generally enjoy themselves while they can.
However: this is definitely a terminal diagnosis. We are very, very lucky to have had my dad survive as long as he has–the survival rate for his type of cancer, as advanced as it was, is something like 15% after the first year. So we have already beaten the odds and it’s fantastic. I know that honestly my dad probably has another one or two years with us, and we’re making a concentrated effort to enjoy as much of it as we can.
But when this comes up–I’m not telling everyone, but when I tell my friends or other close acquaintances, this weird situation has come up MULTIPLE times, in which their response is “Oh, I’m sure it’s not that bad!” Blank stare.”But he’s so young!” Blank stare. “I mean, they’re coming up with new treatments all the time! You never know! Something great could happen!” And it’s not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment, which is certainly a nice one, but it puts me in the extremely awkward position of having to tell them that yes, it is that bad, and have to almost defend the fact that my dad is terminally ill. I know it’s coming out of a good place, but it’s actually extremely horrible to have to listen to and respond to, mostly because I don’t HAVE a way to respond that isn’t incredibly rude or like, a wan Beth March smile all “oh, maybe!” Which feels incredibly weird.
“Oh, I’m sorry. When did you finish your residency in oncology?” What can I POSSIBLY say in this scenario? Yes, it is that bad; yes, this will kill him; yes, it’s awful to me that I won’t be able to have him meet his grandchildren; yes, I wish like nothing else that I would get to have my dad until I’m middle aged like most people do. But it’s awful to have to come up with a response to “It can’t be that bad!” and its variants on the spur of the moment and I really am this close to being incredibly rude to people whom I genuinely enjoy.
I just want to say I’m so sorry about your Dad (I lost my Dad to cancer a few years back and….yeah…).
Thank you. I’m very sorry for your loss, too.
I suppose “that’s actually really not helpful at all” and a blank stare counts as rude. Shame. And I’m so sorry, but also glad for you that you get this bit of extra time with him.
Nope, they’ve already been rude, you can’t possibly beat the rudeness of people trying to tell you how to feel. Like Captain Awkward always says, they’ve already made it weird. Make *them* feel it.
This. They are not actually being helpful, whatever their good intentions, and it is not your job to handle their rudeness with grace and aplomb.
This was not for me but I needed to hear this today.
Thank you! And if it is rude….I’m beginning to not care at all!
I would say, “I know you’re trying to be positive because it’s sad news, but you are being incredibly rude.”
because they are.
And they will keep doing it to other people unless someone calls them on it.
I actually like this. It’s blunt enough that it would feel good to say without actually being mean.
I think what you’re doing – blank stare until they stop talking – is a perfect response and completely polite. Maybe just don’t comment on their nonsense at all and say “Let’s talk about something else”?
This happened to one of my close friends and I remember it being really frustrating for her. I think it’s ok to give a somewhat abrupt, “no, unfortunately it’s definitely terminal, but we’re making the most of our time together and are grateful to have it.” If they persist I think you can just keep repeating, “unfortunately, that’s not the way it works.” Or just, “no.” I think it’s ok to have a stock answer and I don’t think you need to be too soft in its delivery. If there are close friends that keep doing this, I think you are doing them a favor if you say “I appreciate the sentiment, but what I need right now is someone who can acknowledge the reality of the situation with me and help me through it.”
This, a thousand times. Reminding people that you do not need anyone to “cheer you up” — you need people to be loving and respectful companions on a hard journey, and the space to have and express emotions that are uncomfortable and difficult.
This is great, thank you. I like the last, especially.
That is a great response. My mom went from having some abdominal pain to hospice in about two weeks, so “luckily” I didn’t have to deal with that nonsense for very long. A second opinion? Oh, that’s a great idea, I’m sure she and my dad haven’t thought to do that. Thanks so much for your insight.
I took FMLA leave to move back home and help my dad out, which spared me even more nonsense. I don’t regret a minute of it (my job was also terrible at the time, so), even though it was mostly horrible. Cancer is the worst.
Well, I don’t really have words of wisdom of what to tell people, but I’m sorry to hear all of that. A few years ago, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer and I could not believe the number of people who told me she should get her entire colon removed and live with a bag, who told me she was hurting herself by not doing this. Words failed me over and over. Strangely, saying “Um, that’s actually none of your business and this is my mom’s body we’re discussing” did not go over very well with any of them.
The things people are saying to you seem really thoughtless but they’re probably panic responses from people who just really don’t want this bummer thing happening in your life. You don’t have to be responsible for managing their feelings about your personal tragedy, and I think it’s 100% fine to be a little rude when responding. There’s no good answer to “It can’t be that bad” so just go with honesty. You’re going through enough already without having to worry about hurting other people’s feelings, and if they’re cool enough to be people you genuinely enjoy, then they’re probably the kind of people who will be understanding if you say something like “Thanks for your input, Dr. Friend’s Name.”
Yeah, I totally get that people don’t know what to say, it’s just hard that this is what they come up with. I think if I keep it light enough I may just manage without coming across like a giant bitch.
Literally while reading this I thought of a former friend’s dad who received a five-year prognosis after treatment for Stage 4 lung cancer and blew right through it and is still going strong. And I don’t mention that to contradict your point AT ALL, but to say, I think it’s just a knee-jerk response that bubbles up in difficult times. We want to offer hope, even when things are hopeless. It’s okay to do an ignore-and-redirect the conversation move at times like that, which is probably what your friends are hoping for anyway. It’s awful to have to expend effort preserving the feelings of others when you’re the one who is bereaved, but it often works out that way.
Ugh, yeah, I know every time someone says something like that someone immediately comes up with a “But but but!” and it’s so hard, because I think that endlessly hoping against hope is actually more damaging than facing the reality of it. So I think ignore and redirect will probably work with people I don’t know that well.
I’m sorry about your father.
You could try:
“I wish that were true.”
or
“I know your heart is in the right place, but my father is terminally ill and I need sympathy, not misplaced optimism.”
The second one sounds kind of rude, so maybe there’s a better way to frame it? But it’s not wrong to state what your needs are. People have a hard time dealing with other people’s grief, particularly in situations like this, and they are probably trying to cheer you up because they don’t know what else to do.
“I wish that were true” is the only thing I could come up with, too (assuming you do, in fact, want to stay on the polite side of the line).
No! That second one isn’t rude at all- it’s honest and fair.
Thank you–these are all great, and I genuinely like them. I just wish people didn’t feel the need to cheer me up, because it’s really not the kind of thing you can be cheered out of, you know? But that’s a pipe dream, I imagine.
Oh, dude, I have no advice. But I do affirm that, yes, that’s a terrible position to put you in. As if it’s not hard enough to have to face your dad’s illness, you have to deal with other people being obnoxious.
Also, facing up to this horrible reality is so much healthier than pretending that everything will be fine. You and your family sound like you are handling this miserable thing in the absolute best and healthy way possible.
Thank you–it’s shit, but my parents are incredibly lucky to be able to be secure enough to do some of the things they wanted to do in their retirement.
Ugh, that sucks. I’m sorry to hear that.
The people who are saying that are well meaning, at least. They’re trying to make you and themselves feel better, since most people don’t deal with the idea of death very well, let alone the actual experience of someone you know dying over a long period of time.
My mother has a chronic, life-long, potentially (in the future) life threatening illness, so here’s my expert opinion for shutting stupid, positive woo woo shit down.
The best thing to do is have a script like “Well, we’ve been very lucky/blessed to have dad in our lives longer than we expected.”
If you’re feeling really blunt “Probably not. But thank you for your concern.”
If you feel up for it or if they get super aggressive/rude, you can also go into the statistical likelihood of medicine taking several decades worth of leaps in the next 2 years that would solve ALL your dad’s cancer. (This works well when people are being REALLY rude and acting like they do have advanced degrees in oncology. Warning, this will also piss some people off. You may or may not want that. Sometimes it’s gratifying).
I’m so sorry your family has to go through this. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
Thank you–as much as I know they mean well, it’s just crap, you know? Sometimes I would genuinely enjoy pissing people off, which is always a good thing to keep in my back pocket! It’s all just crap.
I’m sorry for your mom, as well.
I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through this. It sounds incredibly difficult.
For people that you are close to, would it be possible to tell them what you need? Like, to just say, “thanks for being positive, but what I really need right now is for someone to just listen to me vent.” Or, “I appreciate that you’re trying to be optimistic, but right now I just need you to listen to what I’m saying without contradicting me.” Or, “right now I need people to tell me that they’ll be there for me whatever happens.”
Wishing comfort to you and your family.
Thank you–it’s hard, because while I’m OK saying stuff like that to my husband, anyone further out in my circle and it’s challenging for me to be straightforward about it. It’s all crap compounded by my inability to be straightforward!
Re: husband–it’s really amazing to have someone who can be the go-between for you in distributing news, though that would probably only apply to your close network who hopefully isn’t saying asinine things to you. It’s so great to be able to tell someone, “hey, can you email these 3 people and tell them X, and ask them to email everyone else about it?” If your husband or a close friend is able to do that, you might be able to pre-empt some of the bullshit. <internet hugs>
I’m sorry about your dad. I have had friends in different tragic-but-normal situations (waiting to miscarry a pregnancy known to be non-viable, child diagnosed with a medical issue) who report the same thing, people being like, “Ok, but maybe that’s not true!” And then the affected person, who knows all there is to know about the reality of their situation, has to be in the position of…arguing?
So, human foible, but that still sucks. It’s not appropriate for people to process out loud to you, or make you pretend to be cheerful.
Thank you. I just really wonder about what it is that causes some people to ARGUE–like the person in question does not somehow know everything there is to know????
Folks want to be optimistic; can you deflect their optimism onto the things that ARE getting you through this? “No, this is definitely the end, but I’m grateful that we know that and can deal with it, and that we have time to say goodbye.” “This sucks, but I love seeing Dad’s friends and family reaching out and hearing their stories about his life.”
Or, “I know you want to be positive, but I really just need someone to listen when I say it sucks, can you do that for me?”
This kind of crap is frustrating and irritating but you will find people who listen and who know what it’s like, and spending time with them will be so good. [big internet hugs] to you & your family.
Thank you–I like this.
I’m so sorry to hear about your dad.
I lost my mom to colon cancer a few years ago and it’s never easy to talk about it. I told very, very few people about it while she was sick and it took a long time before I was ok telling people she had passed away. A big part of it was exactly this, I didn’t want to deal with people’s reactions. Not even necessarily what you’ve mentioned here, although that was certainly part of it, but overall I just really don’t like people having emotions at me. And when you or someone close to you is terminally ill, it feels like all people ever do is just emote at you from the second they find out, and I’m not comfortable with that. After she passed, I dealt with it in my own way, but I knew eventually I would have to tell people, so a lot of times I would preface the conversation with something like this: “I’m going to tell you something that is difficult for me to say, and might be hard for you to hear, but I don’t need you to say anything. I want you to know because [insert reason here], but I’m not looking for anything from you, other than that you know the facts.” It’s not what people are used to hearing and it will sometimes catch them off guard but it worked well for me and usually made the conversation easier, and that’s what counts. Since this, of all conversations, is not one where you really need to be caring about other peoples’ emotions.
Thank you. I’m very sorry for your loss as well.
Ugh. Sorry about your farther, and sorry you deal with this on top of it.
Sometimes a brief “Wow” (with or without A Look) is an effective way of conveying “that was really tone-deaf” that also enables you to move forward in the conversation and not Get Into It if you don’t feel like it. [Credit Carolyn Hax.]
I believe in A Look because it works.
I have also never outgrown The Eyeroll because Teens are right it is great and says it all. It’s an automatic response to dumb shit at this point.
Yes! Easy. Fast. Direct.
Miss Manners is a big fan of the incredulous/blank stare.
I do love the Hax Wow. It’s shockingly effective!
I’m sorry that you and your family are going through this.
It’s not really the same thing, but my brother had a drug problem. After a while it was pretty clear that he was going to die from it (and he did), and I got similar “advances in treatment”/”stay positive”/”has he tried [herbal supplement]?” kind of messages from people who really just didn’t know what to say. It sucked, and it sucks having to coach someone through their reaction to your awful news, but I found that if I wanted them to respond in a way that was helpful, I usually had to tell them what would be helpful. I found it easiest to just tell people what I wanted them to say (which itself took me a while to work out). If I had it in me, I’d try to lead them toward a response with the appropriate emotional valence; if I didn’t, I would straight up say, “I don’t want advice, I just want you to tell me that this must be hard for me/my family.”
For people you have to tell but don’t need or want support from, staring blankly until they shut up is fine, I think.
Thank you, and I’m sorry for your loss as well.
The blank stare is always a good option!
Sorry you are going through this. I had a similar response from a very good friend when i told her about my mother’s terminal illness (my mother died in November 2015). It is very hurtful and annoying. I also found a get well card in her house from her aunt, telling her she was praying for a “full recovery”. UGH!! It’s hard to be the only (or one of the only) realistic ones in this situation, it’s like an additional burden to have to be real when no one else is. I think other people here gave good advice. I just know for myself i did not want to be rude, it’s not worth it to me for how i feel afterwards if i respond that way. With 20/20 hindsight it would have been nice for me to have been able to reply, i know you are trying to be positive but that is really not realistic.
I’m so sorry Aravis. My dad died too young, and everything about going through terminal illness with a loved one is terribly, terribly hard.
I went with something along these lines: “I know it may seem easier to hope that it isn’t that bad, but I would rather appreciate every extra second I have with him, rather than wishing for more time he won’t get.”
many of the sentiments along these lines are great advice. i agree that people are often just in denial about the seriousness of what you’re saying, and in a moment of self-preservation, say a rather ill-conceived and timed generic positive spin statement, that really has nothing to do with what they actually think will happen to the person in question, but is instead an admission that they cannot personally deal with the gravity of the situation you’re laying down.
sometimes it’s a matter of giving them an example of the empathy they’re trying to avoid having with you [because it’s painful] and saying “i understand it’s a natural desire to hope for the best, but a terminal diagnosis is given so people can prepare to make the most of the time they have left. We’re beyond hoping for a different outcome, and focused on how to make meaningful use of this time.” and beyond that, you have done more than expected of anyone to explain, and can shut everything else down with “that’s just not my reality right now.”
many good thoughts to you and your family. i’ve seen this time squandered through fear and denial, and it felt like the worst, most wrong thing in the world. i wish you strength in facing what lies ahead.
Thank you–this is so eloquent.
Thank you. I’m sorry for your loss, too.
People fear death so much, you know, they tell themselves it’s beatable and cheatable, and it leads to them saying absolutely horrible things. They don’t mean them to be horrible but it is okay for you to point out that young people die, that an anecdotal escape by someone they know has no bearing on your father’s case, that miracles are nothing to count on, that eventually medical intervention fails us all, and every other version of “you are pretending my father is not dying, why are you doing that, please stop now.”
Some of these friends may also say awful things at the funeral, whenever in the future that may come, and you don’t have to put up with it then either.
It’s just so awful that even people we rely on in other parts of our life can fall down on the job like this here.
I also lost a parent very young and I found it’s the worst with people of your generation – who haven’t gone through this themselves and imagine that they should be comforting or upbeat, and as a result say these awful things. When it happens later, more of your peers are able to say “I’m sorry, that’s terrible and very sad” which is a perfectly appropriate remark with none of the social pressure you’re getting. But really, you can be pretty frank with your friends about what they’re doing and need to stop.
I’m really sorry about your dad.
I would tell them that while I understand that they mean well, when they say these things they are ignoring the reality of the situation (which isn’t ideal in friends you may need to count on for support). If their goal is to avoid hurting feelings, they’ll see that this isn’t the right way to do that.
Thank you for this.
I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, I can’t imagine how tough that is.
I think being blunt really may be the best option. And I say this with perhaps the opposite sort of insight you might expect. I wasn’t the one with the terminally ill father — my best friend was. He passed of ALS last spring — but in the beginning, I tried really hard to be supportive and positive — and was probably as bad as your friends you’ve mentioned. What brought me down to earth was my best friend literally just being blunt about his prospects. I said something like, “Yeah, but he’s doing OK, though.” — just trying to lighten the mood, and she just looked at me — dead on — and said very firmly and yet not angry, “No, he’s really not, he’s dying.”
A slightly different situation than yours, of course — but being on the receiving end of that DEFINITELY put things into perspective for me. She was kind but firm about it, and I did immediately understand that in my efforts to be supportive and positive, I was underestimating their situation. It definitely stuck with me, because of course I felt (probably well-deservedly) like an asshat for a little while — BUT, from that point on, I really, really thought about what I said to her before I said it, and we became even closer as friends throughout his illness and after his passing.
Best wishes to you!
It’s so excellent to hear from the opposite perspective. Thank you. I’m afraid of hurting people’s feelings, always, but it’s so good to hear that it wasn’t the end of the friendship slash world.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
My partner has cancer (as, like, maybe the whole internet knows by this point) and we got a LOT of this. For some reason, everybody thinks they are an expert in “cancer”, maybe because 50% people get *A* cancer, and therefore most people have some experience with some form of this terrible horrible no good disease.
We get a lot of “So, he’s in remission!” (No, you don’t get remission with this kind of cancer.) and “What do you mean, almost everybody with this kind of cancer dies?!” (Just that, dude!) and “I’m sure it’s going to be okay” (Well, I’m not, so, hush).
I think the best way is, actually, complete honesty.”Yes, it sucks.” “I know.” “It is that bad, actually.” “Not with this kind of cancer, actually.” And then you can leave a nice awkward pause, enough that they feel bad, or you can walk away, or you can change the subject to something that isn’t Fucking Cancer.
I tell you all this like I haven’t before now *genuinely* apologised to people for breaking the news to them that my 25-year-old partner has the kind of rare and aggressive cancer that kills nearly everyone. Do as I say, etc.
Love love love to you. So sorry all this is happening to you, and I hope you get as much time with your dad as you can.
Thank you–I have been following your saga with so much avidity. I like the straight honesty, but you’re right that it’s so hard to do in real life without immediately following it up with “I’m sorry–I know.” Why is that an automatic reaction??? The reaction “I’m sure everything will be okay” is just the worst, because it’s so pointlessly sunny and yet strangely hard to counter. Like…good for you, I’m not?
I’m sorry for what you’re going through as well.
I have been in your situation. I would try being really direct with them. They are going to feel bad (in a good, growing sort of a way) when they hear you say this, but they will understand better where you and your dad are, and will be more able to be helpful in the future.
“Please don’t — it makes it harder for me when you say that. This is a terminal disease.”
If you say that, slowly and looking them in the eye, and they are not terrible people, they will stop in their tracks. They may feel a little bad, but again in the good learning memorable way that means they will change their behavior with you in the future. If they for some reason don’t hear you the first time you say it, say it again, looking them in the eyes and go ahead and let your emotion shine through a little. I cannot imagine anyone not changing behavior after that. And you won’t have been rude with them or whatever so you won’t have any reason to feel bad — if anything, it might make the relationship you have with them more intimate because of the honesty. And it will probably be a relief to just say what you’re feeling.
I’m so sorry for the illness and the coming loss. All my sympathy to you & your family & your dad, too.
This is so hard but probably a great thing to say. Thank you.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
I’m a big fan of telling people upfront what you want from them – before even telling them about your dad, or as part of telling them, you could say something like – I really need you to do / say this and to not do / say that. Not everyone will follow your lead of course, but most people who want to help will be relived to be given clear directions to follow. And it may feel less rude to you to frame it as a request before they say something hurtful.
I’ve experienced this on both ends. One of my close friends was in a very serious car accident a few years ago and she was very lucky to not be permanently injured or killed. The first time we talked about it, she started off by telling me that she didn’t want me to tell her that she was lucky to be alive, because everyone was telling her that and she knew that, but dammit she was in SO MUCH pain she didn’t feel very grateful, she felt despairing. And I was SO glad that she told me that BEFORE I accidentally said something that hurt her more.
More recently I’ve come through a really tough bout of depression and anxiety caused by getting laid off, and I’ve started telling friends up front what I need / want from them because I couldn’t handle all the dumb things people said in the name of being helpful. I told my husband and my bff that I don’t want advice, I don’t want to hear that job hunting is hard for everyone, I just want to hear variations of “that sounds hard” and “you’re doing very well” and it honestly helps when they say it, even though I basically gave them the script.
This is great. Thank you.
Toronto Toasties! Anyone want to come to a ladies-only beer party with me tonight?
I live across Lake Ontario, but I’m willing to swim!
They’re doing a big women’s beer fest on April 1, you should come! (I mean you’re welcome to come tonight, I am trying to find someone to use my spare ticket, but swimming is not a good mode of transportation in this weather but if more advance notice would allow you to visit via warm, dry transportation, you should come for this!)
Yay! You’re also welcome to attend our Lilac Festival in June. Lovely floral arrays! Fried dough! Things on sticks!
Oh, that sounds lovely! I have a friend in Rochester too so maybe!
I LOVE Toronto, and I would def drive the ~5 hours for a women’s beer fest holy crap. I wish it was later in the year, though, since we are saving for a big family trip to Spain in May. Hmmm, though. Hmmmmmm.
We should do a Toronto Toastie meetup at the April 1 one!
Um, that sounds like my dream. Please fly me in from BC to attend, thank you.
Yes, also me from AB, plzkthx 🙂
I can’t come tonight or April 1st; but a Toastie get together would be a good reason to hit TO.
Keep me apprised, I want to be in on this.
Oh, I so want to go!! I’ve already committed to go to a beer church thing, though.
We really need to organize another meet up soon!
I’m going to pretend this is a Beer Church and not a beer thing at church.
It’s hipster Anglicans luring people to church with free craft beer, so close.
Hail beer, full of hops, the malt is with thee…
I wish I had read this last night! Argh! The April 1st one I could be down for.
Has anyone in this thread ever dated someone whom they know isn’t the One, and then let it go way too far (i.e. engaging in discussions about a distant future where they live together, possible names for shared Persian cats, etc?) I feel like a bad person but they have become my best friend.
IT ME
I ALWAYS DO THIS
(my therapist says its I because avoid attachment and am emotionally unavailableeeeeee so falling people who I know aren’t the One is on some level safer)
Oh my god is THAT why I keep doing this dumb thing?
I mean, that can’t be true for everyone who does it! It’s definitely true for me though. Reading up on avoidant attachment styles was a big eye opener for me, and if you’re curious, that might be good place to start.
It totally is exactly what I do every time, and even though I’d noticed a pattern, I’d never even thought about it that way before! I love it when I suddenly stumble on an explanation for why I do the things I do 😀
Isn’t that the best feeling?! I love seeing how happily you’re celebrating it
There are other possible reasons! I do it because I am friends with the person, and want to make them happy, so I say and do the things I know will make them happy, and then “all of a sudden” (not really) they are looking at me with those eyes and saying things like we are in a for-real relationship and it is time to panic and ask for space. And then we are not friends. 🙁
And it really only makes it worse that avoidant and anxious attachers tend to be catnip to each other for a while, until they can’t stand each other. And- speaking as an anxious attached of long standing- the tactic of trying to persuade an anxiously attached person to break up with you doesn’t work at all.
Neither of those attachment strategies is de facto wrong or unhealthy. But good gourd, they are incompatible.
Best of luck to you both.
Oh hi past me
It’s future me, currently in the middle of tearing his heart out and moving into my own place after letting the farce go on for way way way too long, and it is the worst, and he is my best friend even though I fucking hate living with him, and I do feel like a terrible person.
So yeah, be super careful and DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT swallow your feelings and let things escalate while putting off the inevitable. You don’t have to bail immediately, just be way more upfront about your true feelings than you want to be.
Thank you. So..did you tell him that you had essentially lied to him all this time? Because I feel like if I do tell him that, then he hates me forever, but then he at least has a better chance of moving on?
YUP. Break up now. Things will not get better, breaking up will not get easier.
I dated someone who did this a few years back, and it was a horrible and hurtful to be on the other end. End it now and end it kindly.
Thank you. What would you say, with your experience, is the best way of ending it kindly? Total transparency or white lies?
I mean, in the particular case I’m thinking of, the dude just cheated on me a bunch and confessed to cheating so he wouldn’t have to break up and I’d do it. I do not recommend that strategy!
I would say total transparency is unnecessarily hurtful, but I think “my feelings have changed” is a reasonable medium between truth and white lies. You DO care about this person, so I think that you can let them know that you really care for them, but at the same time tell them you’ve been thinking about the future and realize that you want something different. It will hurt and be a bummer, but it’s also fair and not too unkind.
Yes. I second the call to get out of it sooner rather than later. Its not gonna get better or easier. You may feel a ton of relief once you’ve done it. I’m sorry 🙁
… do you want/believe in “the One”?
Because if you do, and they do, and you are letting this person believe they are the One, and they believe you are their the One, then… that’s not going to end well.
If this person is not going to be your one-and-only-permanent-life-partner, but you neither want nor need that, then you have options to explore. There’s nothing terrible about a temporary relationship, or a non-escalator relationship, or a non-monogamous relationship….. as long as both partners are clear about what they want, what the relationship is, and how they feel about the difference between those two things.
Yuuuuuuuup. It went on for way, way, way too long. We did live together but never advanced beyond that. I’m honestly really angry at myself for wasting so much time.
I don’t think I would tell him how long you’ve felt this way, it seems needlessly hurtful and not constructive. Perhaps be honest about all of your feelings, but simply leave out the length of time you’ve had them?
Someone just posted this earlier,and it was brilliant,and I feel like it will be right for you too. http://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpu…
It is, thank you!!
I think the kindest thing you can probably say is, “i know that we talked about a shared future and I just think you are a great person so I wanted it to be true, but I’m not ready to settle down yet, and when I think about my future I realized I wanted a different kind of future.” It kind of encompasses “i changed my mind” with “I’ve been thinking about this for a little while” while being very flattering. Be like, “MAN did I I ever want to be someone else for you so we could do this, but I can’t gotta go bye love you like a friend!”
I just used this tactic myself! Unfortunately he’s a bad listener (one of the reasons why he’s not the One after all) and it resulted in proclamations of “I will wait for you!” and the like.
So that’s been fun.
When I was a child I would read TV listings and see that some films and programmes had “adult themes”. I would always think that this meant boring grown up stuff like having a coffee after dinner rather than playing with little wee Vincennes or looking in the window of a jewelery shop rather than taking wee Vincennes to the shopping centre with the ball pit.
Let’s list some more adult themes:
1. The stern, rapt pleasure of realising a roux sauce is thickening as intended
2. The quiet comfort of reading The Economist obituary in the kitchen, first thing on coming home on a Friday night
3. The little rush of rage adrenaline when you go to lunch with your colleagues and have to split the bill and someone kicks off about it
The moment of peace when you’re beyond exhausted and you realize that, actually, you can just go to bed at 8:30
The difficult decision of what vegetable to cook and eat (because you are a responsible adult trying to be healthy) when you really just want to have cheese and ice cream for dinner.
And the half relief, half regret feeling of tossing out a vegetable that went bad because you ate cheese and ice cream for dinner when you should have cooked it.
And its counterpart, the joy of cooking a vegetable well and enjoying it.
Oh man, I think that first sentence will someday be the title of my memoir.
Sitting down with a planner and checkbook and paying bills (no fun, v v adult)
Epsom salt baths
That moment of triumph when your work desk is arranged exactly correctly and you’ve found your favorite pen
The moment when you’re filling out the paperwork for your work benefits and you list the life insurance beneficiary as your SO rather than your parents.
(Back when I was listing my parents, I once listed both of them at a 49/51% split just to maybe start shit so obviously that was not True Adulthood.)
lolol
Your favorite pen has disappeared on someone else’s desk and you must decide whether to snatch it back or just let it go and find a new favorite pen.
Edit: I hit reply on the wrong post, but I admit my mistake and refuse to fix it. Surely that’s an adult theme as well.
SNATCH IT BACK
Looking in the window of the estate agent and musing on which of the unaffordable houses you would most like to unafford. My parents did (and do) this all the time and it used to drive me crazy with boredom. Now I do it too.
I love doing this! Especially when traveling.
Was just thinking about all the times I have looked at real estate listings while walking through an unfamiliar town. So fun!
Realizing that look-at-this-unaffordable-house-in-our-area emails from your spouse have replaced the listen-to-this-terrible-romantic-song emails he used to send when you were dating. Send back stern faces that say “we cannot afford this stop making me hope for things”; secretly be grateful to him for making you hope for things.
Hee! I send realty listings to my bf periodically, but they’re all wee houses in the UK that a) we have no money for and b) we don’t live in the EU and it would be a whole lotta hoops to jump through to be able to emigrate.
He does like looking at them, though. 🙂
I mentally refurnish places when I’m in them, too. Like, “oh, that doesn’t work, here’s what I would do….”
Taking your car to the shop because the engine light was blinking.
Paying your property tax bill on time.
(I may be having money troubles because of these two things).
Relearning natural emotional reactions to negativity because they have been trained out of you as a child but you still wanna stand up for yourself.
The fluttering relief of finally doing your taxes.
… after like a decade of not doing them.
Sometimes paired with the giddy ‘Christmas Morning’-esque joy of seeing your tax return direct deposited into your account. See also “TGI Pay Day”
The modest satisfaction you feel at remembering to buy a new furnace filter.
And the less-modest satisfaction you feel at remembering to actually CHANGE it after leaving the new filter by the top of the basement stairs until you “need to make a trip down there.”
…..are you me
yes i am
The thrill of waking up early on a Saturday to hit the farmer’s market early and/or spend a productive day running errands and checking things off your to-do list.
Getting so stressed out at work because everyone is coming at you with their Perfectly Reasonable Requests that you snap at someone and then you feel guilty all day.
Having the good sense to break for Open Thread and a cup of tea so you don’t snap at the next person.
Deep introspection about whether you’re really the kind of person who snaps at co-workers with Perfectly Reasonable Requests. Recognition that all available evidence suggests that, in at least one instance, you are.
Fond thoughts of quitting your job and freelancing; solid understanding that you should not.
Thank you for so clearly articulating my day today. I consider this absolving any “guilt” I feel about reading Open Thread as this, in fact, keep me from snapping at the next person.
The unexpected satisfaction of shopping for decent kitchenware.
Mmmmmm the gentle desire to have bowls, more bowls, the prettiest bowls.
Looking at the stack of matching plain white corningware bowls in your cabinet with disdain and then shifting your eyes to the stacks of handmade non-matching pottery bowls on the other side of the cabinet with some glee.
Oooh or the deep, deep satisfaction of gazing at your newly-installed pot rack (ooooh yes) and seeing that you are now maybe 60% Good Cookware and 40% Crap Leftover From College That May Be Made Out Of Poison.
The guilt of breaking another glass measuring cup by hip checking it off the counter, mixed with the pleasant anticipation of looking at replacements.
The daily pleasure of drinking tea and coffee from my favorite Polish pottery mug that I bought for myself because my old roommate moved out and took her Polish mugs with her. (They’re so big and sturdy and pretty.)
Waking up at 6:30 on a Saturday, realizing you don’t have to go to work, and sleeping another 4 hours.
Calling the insurance company to dispute a claim. Holding a grudge about it for the rest of your life. Trotting out your grudge when your coworkers start complaining about their insurance woes to commiserate.
Calling the insurance company to get clarification on a point and getting frustrated that they’re clearly just reading the same damn document that you have in front of you.
Alternatively, the satisfaction of asking that your cable bill be reduced because you’re a loyal customer and frankly this bill is a little ridiculous, and having the agent agree with you and give you $20 off.
No, seriously, I am waging a one-woman war against my cable company because they offer nice low rates to new customers while completely screwing those of us who have been loyal customers for years. Every time they send me a “how was your service” survey, I make the same response: “tech support guy was great, the amount you charge existing customers is terrible.” They have yet to cough up any dollars, let alone 20. Congrats to you!
(Why am I still a customer? Can’t let go of my DVR, I love it too much.)
Switch. Or threaten to switch.
That’s the only thing that will get you those nice intro rates.
Calling the insurance company after your cranky neighbor in the downstairs apartment accuses you of denting his car. Getting nervous as hell because an older person is accusing you of wrongdoing and you’re the kind of person who feels guilty about most things most of the time anyway. The feeling of relief and righteousness when the company determines that he’s making a frivolous claim.
Wow, that is an adult theme, but it’s also an extension of the children’s television theme of “baseball smashed an old lady’s window, dad makes you confess and now you’ll have to do chores for her until you pay it off.”
oh god, this is too close, too soon, too real, IT BURNS
Relatedly: spending nearly a year getting your energy suppliers to just give you a proper account and send you bills like they’re supposed to do, eventually managing to switch and spending the rest of your life loudly warning people away from them. (On the one hand, I was essentially getting energy for free; on the other, this was due to their massive incompetence and complete inability to do anything they had promised.)
The time I called the bank to ask to get a fee overturned and was politely sent to a manager who was able to overturn the fee. It was immensely satisfying in part because I am terrified of making phone calls and I hate conflict and have a lot of shame about my finances.
Having enthusiastic conversations with friends about which stores have the best prices on what. (I remember my mom, aunts, and grandparents discussing this when I was little and it seemed So! Boring! and yet now here I am!)
On a related note, being outraged over the price of vegetables.
(I realized I was REALLY AN ADULT NOW when I got incensed over the price of artichokes at Wegmans).
One grocery store in my town charges THREE DOLLARS for plain old lettuce! Generic lettuce! And THREE DOLLARS for a SINGLE red bell pepper! It kindles a warm little fire of outrage in me every time I think about it.
WHAT
THIS IS INDEED AN OUTRAGE
DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON THE PRICE OF CAULIFLOWER.
SERIOUSLY. I am lucky in that I live in a place where the farmer’s market is much cheaper than the grocery store and not some sort of hipster fest full of artisanal things that don’t need to be artisanal, so if I wait till spring I can get cheap cauliflower ($2 a head), but I want it nowwwwww and it’s $4 a head at Wegmans.
…wegmans…
Stretching your legs in business class of an Amtrak train, with a mix of comfort in your secure position in life and awareness at your mortality, that you can no long ride the cramped dollar Chinatown bus from Boston to New York. You are both aging, and value your time on earth more to be safe.
Buying a pair of shoes just because you like them and not because they’re practical enough to wear to school for the next two years.
Talking to someone of a different age and life experience but realizing that you still have things in common and respect each other as peers.
Eating something that you don’t really care for because it was served to you or it’s what you have in the fridge, but not being upset about it because ehh, it’s just food.
“Eating something that you don’t really care for because it was served to you or it’s what you have in the fridge, but not being upset about it because ehh, it’s just food.”
I haven’t quite reached that point yet. I’ll still eat it, but I’m quietly resentful for the rest of the day.
I felt this amazing rush of endorphins the day I realized, “I am an ADULT with a PAYCHECK and I do NOT have to eat the thing if it is disgusting and/or I fucked it up.”
That said, I still couldn’t quite bring myself to throw away the entire batch of chicken and curried rice when I accidentally used sweetened coconut cream. I kept trying to choke it down. It was VILE.
I enjoyed the pleasure of #1 for the first time in my life while making Christmas dinner, and I have to say, there is really nothing like it.
What’s amazing about this one is it feels like this every. single. time. I’ve made so many roux sauces and it always includes this beautiful moment.
That is excellent to know. I find it the same when making risotto — there is a moment when it suddenly transforms from hot soup sizzling rice into risotto and it is always amazing.
Yes, food magic is so satisfying!
The time I made Tom Yum soup from scratch and when I was done it tasted exactly like ….Tom Yum soup.
Enjoying the depth of friendship and genteel sassery between Isobel Crawley and the Dowager Countess.
Looking forward to Friday takeout and realizing you can totally just cook it yourself, and better.
Buying the good thing instead of the cheap thing.
Booking a hotel room for a vacation in NYC* because, while you’re thrilled to be seeing all your college friends, you’re too old and cranky to sleep on anyone’s couch.
*(HAMILTON HAMILTON HAMILTON IN THREE WEEKS!!!)
Or, in my case, realizing you can pay a little more for a better hotel with fewer murders!
But I’m into spooky shit, so if murders = ghosts (or talk of them anyways) I would pay more for that hotel.
Oh man I spent hours intently researching bedbug reports and didn’t even THINK about murders! But having recently battled fleas in my house, I’m more prepared to fight off murderers than another bug plague.
I didn’t even think about bedbugs! (rocks back and forth)
I’ve stayed in a few NYC hotels (and some of my scruffier friends’ places) without knife fights or pests, so odds are we’ll both be fine!
Oh, god, they’re the worst thing ever. Avoid them. Most people don’t react to their bites. I didn’t know this. Being absurdly sensitive to everything, I would have (correctly) gone with the assumption that I’d be one of the people who did react, but I didn’t know. Until my roommate brought them back from London, (we think) and I was miserable within a couple days. We caught them really early (only found one adult the first time the exterminators came) and it STILL took MONTHS to be rid of them. If you ever have them, tape slick plastic (we used painters’ tarps and/or garbage bags) all around the sides of your mattress. Make sure the tape’s slick, too. They can’t climb on it. It’s the only thing that works immediately.
It’s the worst infestation ever because you can’t even get away from them in your sleep. And if you’re like me and you react, you’re itchy and sore and miserable in addition to being a psychological wreck. My mother was terminally ill around the same time, and while I miss her more than I could possibly have imagined I’m STILL not sure which event traumatized me more. Hotels scare me now. 🙁
Ah, I see you’ve stayed at the Towpath…
Having an extensive and satisfying conversation about the weather.
Revisiting a beloved book or movie from your childhood and sympathizing with the adult characters.
Having friends your own age who are teachers or even professors and actually knowing them as humans.
My friend was telling me the other day that his dad’s cardiologist is someone who was in his (my friend’s) high school class. This friend is exactly my age. People my age are cardiologists.
Impossible.
This is exactly how I felt when a friend applied for a municipal judgeship. Like, how can a peer of mine be a judge?!
“Having an extensive and satisfying conversation about the weather. ”
See also: sciatica.
I have actual arthritis. This is some bullshit. For extra fun, it’s in my toe, which is attached to a foot, in which I have plantar fasciitis. I’m not sure I’ve ever not been Old.
Bursitis. In both hips.
Same. Saaaaame. And it is some bullshit.
Moreso than friends getting married or having kids, my big “oh shit, I’m an adult now” moment was when one of my friends became a professor.
I had A Moment when my baby brother started student teaching this month.
My youngest brother has two kids and even though the oldest is nine it’s still weird to me.
Revisiting a beloved book or movie from your childhood and sympathizing with the adult characters.
Yes! No longer am I on the side of the sad frustrated angry child, but now I side with the frustrated grownups who are just trying to do what’s best for the child.
“I’m sorry, son, I know you raised that deer from a fawn and you love him, but he is a NUISANCE now and he’s destroying our crops and he has to GO. This relationship is not sustainable!”
Relatedly, you know you are An Old when you realize it’s not really all that outrageous to have to pay rent and maybe Benny was a more sympathetic character than you thought.
Waking up from a dream about having multiple papers (including a major thesis paper) due within the next few weeks and then remembering that you’re done with school and all you have to do is go to your job and then come home and play video games.
Realizing that almost none of your weekday clothes can go in the dryer without being ruined.
Oh yes. The post-school luxury of getting your Sundays back.
Being disgruntled about a friend trying to make Saturday morning plans, not because you want to sleep til noon, but because Saturday mornings are for going to the gym and the grocery store and then making fancy coffee at home.
The vaguely ashamed relief of renting a car at the airport upon arriving for a weekend trip somewhere, instead of using a combination of Uber and walking forever to get around.
When you need to rent a car and they LET YOU DO IT. And inside you feel as though you’ve gotten away with something, even though you’re 34.
IKR? Not only did they let me fly in a plane by myself, they gave me a car to drive around in afterwards, and it was a nice one! I’m not responsible enough for this! PS: I’m 32.
Upon reading a reply to your comment, you feel no shame as you look up an Internet slang on the Google to understand IKR.
hahahahaha IKR?!
Or the feeling of googling what the other person just googled to MAKE SURE you’re on the same page and you didn’t just make some embarrassing social gaffe that shows that you are out of touch with your peers and IKR no longer means what you thought it meant and the world has moved on without you.
But it hasn’t, and we’re good. *whew*
Buying all the candy you want any time always (the main advantage of being an adult, from my perspective as a child (and possibly still the best one i can think of)).
Choosing a dentist / mechanic / optometrist.
Making cheerful small talk with people you hate in the elevator.
Anytime I have to fly somewhere, once I get past the security checkpoint I suddenly and for no good reason feel like I should eat something before I get on the plane even if I just ate a full meal a reasonable amount of time ago. Then I end up buying an irresponsible quantity of candy at Hudson Booksellers. Every. Dang. Time.
Oh yes! It do don’t even matter how much candy I might already have in my bag – I have to spend $6 on an additional small sack of more candy!
Also, you can buy whatever treats you want at the amusement park/boardwalk/fair. I did that the first time I went with friends after college and immediately realized that my parents actually had the right idea in limiting me to one treat per visit. My joy at my ability to make this decision so quickly turned to regret because apparently my stomach cannot handle both fried dough and a caramel apple in short succession.
Yeah I always thought I’d buy bags and bags of candy every time I went to the grocery store, but alas, now that I’m old enough to do such things, I’m too old for such things.
When you convince yourself that your dishes have to soak for a minimum of 48 hours before you actually clean them.
Yes! This is a thread I can get behind.
How about the dual feelings of panic and satisfaction when a small child asks you for help, because “you’re a grown-up, and you know what to do.”
The realization that teenagers no longer see you as a College Kid, but as a Grownup.
Or that moment when college kids see you as Grownups. Granted, I’m in sort of a weird place there. I’m 31, but people on my mother’s side–me included–tend to look much younger than they are. Meanwhile, my father’s side tends toward premature grey hair. I inherited some of both, so I look younger than I am except for the strands of silver running through my hair. Which means, depending on the day and how haggard I look, I alternate between being called ma’am and getting hit on by people who’ve just started going through puberty and are young enough to be my actual children.
My boyfriend has a baby face but started going gray in high school. Which is why my very first words to him were “How old are you?!”
Yeah, I thought I’d managed to skip the premature grey thing. I had no signs of it until my mother was dying. Suddenly, grey galore! I’m just glad it’s not gone so far that I have to decide whether or not to dye it. For the time being, it’s only noticeable if one looks closely, but I’m trying to decide what to do once it goes beyond that. I don’t particularly WANT to have grey hair yet, but I’m also really attached to the color I have. (It’s a bit of everything, really. I have pretty much every natural shade imaginable in my hair, and have been told by multiple colorists that it will be next to impossible to replicate.) 🙁 Oh, well. If it goes that route, I think I’ll just go nuts and go SUPER RED. Not that I don’t look Irish enough already, but red is fun.
Ho yes, you know how we tell small children to find a mom if they get lost? I was the Mom at the museum last week and I realized I had no idea what to do with the child. Thankfully the actual mom showed up very quickly, child was not really lost, just on the wrong side of the water table.
I encountered a field trip of school children who started asking me questions about a bird we had seen, just because I was a grownup and they assumed all grownups know everything.
I went to a Girl Scout thing for my daughter’s troop and a bunch of other troops one Saturday, but had a work deadline so spent the whole afternoon in a quiet corner with a laptop while they were Girl Scouting. A small unknown-to-me child wandered over and asked rather plaintively, “Have you seen my dad?” Because apparently I am a grown-up, so I must go to all the meetings.
The immense relief when the other person cancels plans that you were debating canceling yourself!
THIS IS THE BEST THING.
I get unreasonably excited about this.
Getting silly magazines and overpriced unhealthy snacks at the airport. Watching awful movies on the plane. Nothing counts against you in travel!
Learning and employing the High Quality “No.”
Accepting that being comfortable is more important to me than doing the adventurous things I thought were important in my youth.
The act of saving a percentage of every month’s income and then realizing that actually it’s not a big, stressful deal with you’re hit with a $700 repair (although still not fun).
Looking lovingly at new appliances that do their jobs better than their predecessors
I’m still in love with my new dryer
We got each other a refrigerator for Christmas. It is glorious.
I was looking at washing machines online the other day. WHO AM I.
Encountering a new vegetable you’ve never had before in the very nice grocery store you can’t really afford, buying some with wanton abandon, taking it home and cooking it in butter, savoring it all by yourself and eating even the portion you were saving for your husband. He don’t love you like I love you, glasswort.
Heehee! I love all these “adult themes.” My mom wouldn’t let me play with Barbies when I was little, and when I asked why, she said “I don’t think little girls should play with dolls that are grown up ladies.” I was so confused, because I immediately imagined a Barbie in a skirt suit going to an office. (I was completely oblivious to her body shape. She was just Barbie-shaped.)
I really like this. Out to my fellow not-allowed Barbie Toasties!
(how was yr mom on Disney?)
She was fine with Disney, but it was the 80s, and my favorite Disney was Bambi, so it wasn’t like I was obsessed with Disney princesses. By the time we got a VCR, I was into stuff my brothers liked, like Star Trek.
I’m not even sure if it was the body shape she objected to with Barbie, or the focus on fashion and beauty. She needn’t have worried though. When I played Barbies at my friends’ houses, we made them solve ridiculous murder mysteries or have ugly hair contests, or one time we started acting out Cinderella except we both just ended up playing the two ugly step sisters the whole time. (My friend’s mom heard us and thought we were having a horrible fight.)
Then when I was a teen, my mom had to ask me to please put on some makeup, and coax me into wearing ladylike shoes, and order me to go shopping for new clothes. Maybe some more Barbie would have helped me.
What about your mom and Disney?
It was partly a princess thing, which extended into a “this is not what I want you to expect from life” thing. Perhaps even more of a dad than a mom outcome; he always wanted me to be the #corplyfe woman I became.
CONGRATS BARTENDER!!!
My fellowship applications are either done or almost done, so to celebrate, lets share the terrible fanfic we loved as teenagers/children.
Here is a spectacular story where Ginny gets sorted into Slytherin, is an uber genius, receives gifts from goddesses from each continent that make her good at literally everything, and gets crucified by Voldemort at one point: http://fictionhunt.com/read/1232217/1. It is utterly bananas and truly worth a read.
Ahhh, my future sister-in-law posted something about this and I wondered what she was referring to! Thanks! 🙂
Yeeees, I need to read this over the weekend. I myself had a deep and inexplicable love for Hermione/Snape fic and still maintain that No Loyalty in the Moonlight is a masterpiece although it’s been a few years since I’ve confirmed that.
Good things!
I got through some stupid work bullshit relatively unscathed! (Just a bit of frazzled nerves due to having to do a long presentation on unfamiliar subject matter in front of a large audience of resting bitch faces.)
I signed up for advanced Spanish conversation classes! I took Spanish all through high school and for a few years in college and loved it (I’m good at languages, or at least Romance languages). I’d been thinking of getting my DELE for a few years and I finally decided to do it. I’m confident I’ll be able to pass the C1 exam (maybe even the C2) after a few months of brushing up on my grammar. Spanish has so many subjunctive tenses… it is not my place to question this but I can’t help but notice that many other languages don’t have a pluperfect or future perfect subjunctive and they manage to communicate just fine.
Also, I got my ears pierced (like 3 weeks ago but I kept forgetting to mention it). My mom had them pierced when I was a baby, but I stopped wearing earrings in high school because I was self-conscious about my massive Dumbo ears and the holes closed up. I finally got tired of an entire category of jewelry being inaccessible to me. I got these kickass Kate Spade earrings which I am in love with, and now there is a super pretty matching necklace, and I am perfectly content.
(Monday is the last day of interviews for that kickass job I interviewed for 2 weeks ago *gnaws off own leg in anxiety*)
Those are pretty fantastic earrings.
I love those earrings!!
That’s so great! I love Spanish (took it in college through 202) and have been brushing up via Duolingo (I’ve actually stuck with my resolution so am only about 18 lessons/sections away from finishing!).
Are you taking your classes in person? Is there a good way to take advanced Spanish inexpensively, maybe online? I would love to find something more advanced to follow Duolingo. Also I really want to learn more slang/cursing/common words from specific countries – everything I know at this point is from Urban Dictionary/Genius/Google for In the Heights and The Brief, Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. I feel like if I don’t know at least a little more that I’ll be lost in any actual conversation with native speakers and/or travel.
Anyway, good luck and best wishes on the job! DELE sounds amazing too, don’t think I’d ever make it that far!
I’m taking classes in person at a small local “cultural centre” (idk what the proper name would be) that focuses on Spanish and Portuguese. It’s a weekly 90-minute conversation class and I bummed a textbook off my instructor to get a refresher on the grammar.
that sounds fabulous! Enjoy!
I weirdly just learned a lot of ways to call people names in Spanish because I work at a law firm that does a lot of agricultural employment law & some of our attorneys give presentations on how to keep from fostering a hostile work environment (well, how to keep from getting sued for fostering a hostile work environment, but as long as the end result is the same, the motivation doesn’t have to be pure, I guess). Some of the slides for a recent one were just lists of nicknames English-speaking supervisors might not be familiar with and which ones are actually derogatory. So now I could be homophobic in Spanish, if that were a thing I wanted to do! (It is not).
Those earrrinngggssssssss.
Related, I am at the beginning of some leg-gnawing job anxiety and . . . yeah. Just yeah.
Omg the plot thickens WHO IS THE BARTENDER?!
I have a regular commenting account but i’m under a burner today because i have a personal question regarding marriage/long term commitment that I think Toasties will have good insight into. It’s long so putting it in a reply:
Here’s the deal: I’m in a very happy live-in LTR relationship (cis m/f hetero). We’ve talked about getting married and we’re both excited to take that step. We’ve talked about all the big things – where we want to live, how to manage money, do we want kids (we don’t), things like that. I’m really happy with the level of communication and the planning. But there’s one thing i really want to discuss beforehand and I can’t figure out how to go about it. I want to have the possibility of opening up the relationship at some point on the table. I’m not interested in opening it now or any time soon, and neither is he (as far as I can tell), and I may *never* be interested in doing so, but I believe the concept of flexible monogamy is a good one and conducive to sustaining lifelong partnerships. But we’ve never talked about it and I feel shy about bringing it up. Where we live is relatively conservative and the idea of open relationships, even lovingly communicative ones, is still considered a bit ‘out there’. I worry that my bringing it up will just sound like I’m looking for an ‘excuse to cheat’, even though I’ve no reason to believe that he would think that of me. I’m particularly concerned about approaching it in a way that doesn’t come across as any way coercive. He’s a very kind, gentle person anf unfortunately others have exploited that in the past. He was in a very abusive friendship for years and that person gaslighted him horribly, to the point where he would *still* go along with something outlandish they suggested, rather than risk angering them. He keeps a lot to himself and I worry that if I brought it up he’d say ‘sure, fine!’ and secretly be really upset. I know I’m not responsible for his responses, and that he knows I’m not like his abusive friend, but some part of me keeps saying that I’d be exploiting him by just bringing it up. But on the other hand it would be much worse to only say it *after* we’re married. Any thoughts?
Oh, and I also want to ask him if he’d be willing to get a vasectomy, (see the not wanting kids part). I don’t want to take on the bulk of the burden of managing contraception into the future. But obviously it’s his body and I would never coerce him. I feel like he’d be willing, but maybe it would be an idea to space out the two conversations rather than landing them both on him at once!
I would definitely have the non-monogamy conversation before marriage and the vascectomy one, but agree they are better as separate conversations.
As someone whose partner brought up opening up the relationship after about 5 years of marriage and a child together – please have the talk now. You both need to know if it is a deal breaker. (It was for me.)
Yikes! I’m sorry your partner sprung that on you like that, it must have been really upsetting.
The vasectomy conversation sounds easy and quick (and definitely separate from the other). You can bring it up over breakfast or whatever, or the next time any kind of birth control comes up in even the most unrelated way.
Sounds like what you need for the open relationship convo is a good segue. Any chance you could casually be listening to a Savage Love episode about monogamy or something when he comes home?
yes is there a way to have the conversation to gauge what he thinks without making it about you and him? then if he doesn’t approve you can at least gauge how important this is to you and (future you) before deciding to officially marry.
I think it would be cruel to get married without discussing it if it’s something you may want in the future.
Yes, i agree! Im trying to figure out if it’s better to have the conversation in stages e.g. gauge first what he thinks of the concept, then move on to the particulars, or just plunge right in.
We discussed in terms of divorce. Erm, not quite like that. I was trying to explain that deceit feels (to me) like the more horrible aspect of infidelity, and said that I would rather discuss experimenting with an open relationship that be lied to. It lead to a good talk about what an open-ish relationship would look like. And clarified that I would never be a don’t ask don’t tell kind of lady.
I could, but i’d feel weird about doing it indirectly – i think even if i were jusy gauging his thoughts on the matter, i’d have to ask him directly.
I’m a bi cis woman (with a history of being in an abusive partnership) and this is a conversation my cis straight male husband and I had after we got engaged but before we got married. I had a LOOOOOT of anxiety during our engagement and much of it was due to fears about “locking myself down” and out of any future experiences with other women or men. Despite being married, pretty monogamy-oriented and not even particularly sexually voracious, I still felt a really strong need to find out if opening up could ever be on the table, or if that was a dealbreaker.
IMO and based on this experience, I think you should discuss this now. Be honest – let him know that this isn’t a pressing need for you right now, but it’s on your mind and you’re curious to know how he feels about it, and whether he’d be open to discussing it in future if it did become a pressing need. Regardless of the outcome, I think this would be good for your relationship: you would have a better idea of where he stands, he wouldn’t have this sprung on him however long down the road, with potential attendant feelings of betrayal.
Best of luck!! I think as long as you are open, gentle, honest, and reassuring that your love and commitment to him are as steady as ever, you’ll be fine. 🙂
Thank you! Great advice all around, i knew I could rely on my Toasts!
Definitely, definitely bring up both of these things before you get married, before you even really start doing the solid on the ground planning where you are making external committments, because if either of them are deal breakers — and I hope not! — you don’t want any external pressures making either of you feel like you have to proceed.
We are non-monogamously married; it was one of our ground rules, because we are just not good at monogamy. There is *nothing wrong* with asking for that. You might try framing it as being about what your marriage vows are, to make it clear that you don’t have any desire to find another partner right now, but that you are not willing to vow eternal monogamy — whatever framing would work best for you.
I know it is a very hard conversation, but what comes to me reading your post is that it seems like *you* are feeling a lot of shame and judgement about yourself for wanting this, and then worrying that your partner is going to do that to you. I really, truly hope he won’t, but all you can do is lay it out there. And the same for his fragility about coercion — do your best not to be a jerk, but he has to be responsibie for himself that way. I am saying this from deep & bitter ongoing experience with our own ostensible partner, so it might not really be relevant to you, but it is *exhausting* to try to spend the rest of your life, especially your adult married partnership we-are-a-team life having to figure out the best softest gentlest cleverest way to ask to have your needs met just in case your beloved is going to feel coerced by you asking. A team is made of two equal players. Trust him to be able to stand on his own feet, ask for what you need, and give him however much time *he* needs to answer. You can do it!
Thank you! You’re right in noting that I’m the one taking on the burden of shame. It’s not that I think there’s anything shameful about non-monogamy, it’s more that it’s still relatively unusual where we live (or, more plausibly, peoole who do it don’t talk about it). There is no-one in my non-internet life who would understand. Luckily my partner doesnt have a manipulative bone in his body, so normally I never need to walk on eggshells around him – in fact, i may be underestimating his OK-ness with this concept. With most people in my life, i dont feel comfortable expressing my needs, but i do with him, so i gotta keep telling myself that this is a need like any other.
YES – sex is a need, and it’s not any more selfish than emotional needs, or needing to be compatible about not having kids, or anything else. (which doesn’t mean that people who aren’t sexually compatible can’t have long, fulfilling relationships, but only if no one is suppressing their needs in the name of not being “selfish”)
I love the idea of tying it in to the wedding vows – not necessarily waiting until you’re writing your vows to bring it up, of course, but talking about what “love and honor you” actually means to everyone involved. Because the default is obviously “I love you so I promise not to have sex with anyone else ever,” but it could also mean “I love you so I’ll pursue sex with other people in x way and support you in doing so as well” or whatever configuration works.
I love that idea too!
Definitely better to do both before getting married – and at different times. There’s got to be a way to frame wanting to maybe open up the relationship a ways down the road in terms of growing together in who you are and what your relationship is? Love is a thing that changes and grows and is made new every day, and no one can promise they’ll be the same person with the same needs forever. You can promise to try to communicate those needs and take his into account in an open and caring way.
As for the vasectomy thing – my partner and I have a deal where I am getting one replacement IUD after my current one has expired, then he’s getting a vasectomy. That way we share the responsibility over time?
Yes, i think vows that take into account that people change over time would be useful to everyone, monogamous or otherwise!
I was in exactly this situation before I got married. No intention of having an open relationship at any immediate point in the future, but I just wanted the idea to be open to discussion. I brought it up by pausing what we were watching on Netflix and nervously bursting out with “If we ever want to sleep with other people, we should just talk about it, ok?”
Not gonna necessarily recommend that method, but it worked well for me. When he was done laughing at me he asked what I meant and we had a short “Yeah I’m theoretically open to that so if either of us wants to explore it in the future we shouldn’t be afraid to bring it up”. And went back to Netflix. And I think it really does make our marriage stronger that we have had that conversation.
Haha i could see myself doing a Netflix-blurt all right! Glad it all worked out so well for you 🙂
My husband got a vasectomy after our wedding – let me know if you want to chat out how our conversations about it went. It was really positive for us!
That’s great! How was the actual surgery for him? I know my partner would have no objection to the nature of the procedure, but he has mentioned before that he’s leery of elective surgery in general, because he had to have major surgery in his teens and it was a lot to take physically and emotionallly. But if it’s a brief procedure with local anaesthetic and a quick recovery period, then that wouldnt be too bad.
Okay! My husband is very very adverse to medical things, and blood, so he was pretty apprehensive of the whole thing. He got through it just fine, and now he talks about it to anyone who will listen, haha.
We’re Canadian, so our provincial health plan covered the procedure. We went to a sexual health clinic to get the referral to a urologist, which was pretty straightforward. The wait to see the urologist was several months, and he didn’t end up actually meeting the doctor until his surgery date – the first appointment was watching a vhs about the procedure in the waiting room, which was hilarious. Because he was so nervous about the actual procedure, hubs got a prescription for Ativan that he could take day of, which he says totally helped. His surgery was postponed several times, which made him a bit more anxious, but hopefully that isn’t standard. The day of the surgery, I drove him to the doctor, because he took so much Ativan, and he was in and out within half an hour. He said there was no pain at all during, after the initial injection of painkiller, and that half the time was him laying down afterwards because he was a bit woozy. After two days on the couch with some icepacks he was basically fine, and he was traveling and going on roller-coasters within eight days!
That doesnt sound bad at all! I think we would probably have to shell out for it, but insurance might cover some of the cost.
It depends on your insurance I’m sure. Ours covered it totally with a small copay, IIRC. It’s very quick and easy and the recovery took my spouse a weekend of ice packs and sweat pants and he was back at work Monday morning no trouble.
A vasectomy is an outpatient procedure with local anesthetic, yes. My spouse also had major surgery/hospital time in his youth and did not seem to be triggered or otherwise upset by his vasectomy.
He had been in the room with me several years earlier when I had my IUD inserted, and after his vasectomy he commented that it was easier on him than the IUD insertion seemed to be on me. So. It’s really pretty minor.
Thats reassuring to hear that the vasectomy was nothing like major surgery. There might be a bit of a wait to actually see the urologist, so like the other thing, best to broach it sooner rather than later.
My spouse said the same exact thing, hahaha!
My brother also got a vasectomy, after having two kids, because his wife had her tubes tied and he didn’t want there to be the slightest chance of an ectopic pregnancy (very very unlikely, but they can be life-threatening if they happen, and he loves her a lot). My brother is a sweetheart!
It was totally fine. It’s outpatient surgery. He had to sit with an icepack for 2 days, just like loren_smith says, and that was it. He hasn’t had any side effects. It was fast and easy — muchmuch easier than the contraceptive choices available to my sister-in-law. They were both really pleased and relieved after it was done — a burden lifted.
Hope that helps!
I’ve been trying to respond to this for a little bit but I’m VERY brain foggy today (up in the middle of the night with horrible back pain, painkillers, anxiety meds at wrong time, ugh). I hope this makes sense 😀
My partner and I talked at great length about nonmonogamy — I mean, we’re talking YEARS. Long, long before we ever acted on anything. This was a great idea and it laid the groundwork for when one of us met someone special and wanted to pursue something. It wasn’t this shocking thing, it wasn’t framed as “I’m afraid I’ll cheat on you,” there was a plan in place and we already had an ok sense of our boundaries (of course, nothing prepares you for The Real Thing, and we had to renegotiate some things along the way!). It was absolutely the best thing for us, because it made us both feel like we could bring up any feelings for others if needed, that the other person would be kind and open-minded, and it wouldn’t be some kind of relationship ender if one or both of us wanted to date/sleep with someone else. It also ensured for the “outside” person that we were able to articulate boundaries early on and it kept them from expecting the wrong things (like, that this was a cheating situation, or that I will leave my partner “for” them).
I strongly urge you, and everyone who is thinking monogamy may not be their permanent state, to bring it up BEFORE there is another person involved. It keeps you and your partner informed and builds trust, and it helps keep any outside partners from getting hurt. There’s no magic words you can use, unfortunately, so you may have to just be a bit awkward and blurty, but it’s really better to talk about it ahead of time.
Yes, i definitely think it needs to be well and truly hashed out before we get married, so the sooner I bring it up, the better.
Everyone has offered really excellent comments and I’m going to second what they say.
Just sharing some personal experience with a similar situation:
After I proposed to my long-term boyfriend, I immediately went into a full fledged panic about life-long monogamy. I’d always struggled with it; I wanted to be with him forever, but I didn’t want him to be the last person I ever slept with. (Also, I wasn’t nearly as good as you, and chronically had flirtations that crossed a line)
Essentially, as we started talking through marriage, I brought up the question about whether or not he felt marriage equalled monogamy. He did; I didn’t. After a lot of talking, openness, and deliberations, we opened the relationship for me, he chose to stay monogamous.
Fast forward five years, we got married, and used “loyalty” instead of “fidelity” in our vows. I’ve had the same secondary bf for four years. My husband is just starting to dip his toe into the monogamish waters, with an ongoing flirtation with a guy he likes.
Some books I found helpful at the time!
The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.
Good luck!!
I really like the idea of usinv the word ‘loyalty’. It exactly sums up what I believe our commitment to be about. Thanks for the book recs too.
I would put in a vote for sooner being better.
I just left a relationship with someone who decided 9 years into a relationship that he wanted to be polyamorous. What made me stay for 2 1/2 years and try to be okay, even though I am monogamous and wasn’t getting enough time or attention, was the fact that he didn’t sit on that knowledge, once he had it. If he had known for a long while and been keeping it from me, that would have been an instant deal-breaker.
If you are concerned about him feeling coerced, and I’m glad you’re attentive to that possibility even though his feelings and willingness are his to be aware of, I would recommend a few posts for him to read:
http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2008/01/07/… http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/2007/08/19/…
Reading suggestions very welcome! Thank you!
I haven’t read this (yet), but from what I’ve heard about it, I’d recommend a book called “Designer Relationships” (full title: Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships )
Everything I’ve heard indicates that it’s a sort of workbook for couples to talk about figuring out what is and is not important to you. That rather than going off the cultural assumptions of what SHOULD be important to you, you talk about what actually is important to you. You can probably fold this into the other conversations you are having and have been having. I also assume there’s going to be SOMETHING in there other than just straight up “sex with other people” you haven’t discussed yet.
“More Than Two” is also a good exploration of what relationships can be, although it assumes that the people reading it are either in non-monog relationships, or are strongly considering them.
All that said: it is likely to be a charged conversation, no matter what. And think carefully about what you want to say. Contrast the idea of hearing someone say to you:
“Lifetime sexual fidelity is not more important to me than being honest and intimate with each other, and if either of us discover we want an additional sexual outlet, I would want to talk about that with you at that time, and figure out what that meant for us. Under the right circumstances, I would be open to something other than strict monogamy. How do you feel about that?”
vs
“I think I might want to have sex with someone else. Not, like, today, but maybe 10 years from now. Just thought you know know before you married me.”
Excellent examples that show the importance of phrasing! I sometimes have difficulties with expressing myself more generally, so while trying to communicate something as complex as this will be difficult, it will definitely be worth the effort.
I guess I’m lucky in that I’d already dabbled in consensual non-monogamy before and was able to bring it up early on while discussing previous relationships.
We’ve talked about it here and there–there’s been situations where it seemed like it might happen but they fell through. He’s a little more spooked about it than I am. But we’ve also negotiated my “weekend pass” for fan cons where I’m away from home–that I can kiss and snuggle people if the possibility presents itself. It hasn’t yet, but knowing I can is incredibly freeing and really helps with any feelings of claustrophobia.
Now if only I could convince him to get a vasectomy!
So I know who the Bartender is but did not know this person was having a baby – so literally opened the thread, read the news, shut the window, wrote long email to Bartender with congrats. I must have had lunch with Bartender at very beginning of pregnancy. It does not seem possible to me that someone’s life has come into existence in this span of time.
Moral: Hug your bartenders close people.
I’m not ENTIRELY convinced this baby is real and not a gambit by Nicole to throw me off the scent.
I just saw the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life. There’s a Tumblr called goofyshelterdogs.tumblr.com, and I browse it whenever I need a pick-me-up. And this morning I found this little guy:
His name is George.
Oh George! I’m in love
I love him and his absurd little face on his regular-sized body.
He’s like a funhouse mirror dog. He starts all long and exaggeratedly stretched in the feet and legs, gets normal proportions in the body, and tiny up around his face. It’s adorable.
Ah, fair George! He is in one of the Carolinas, and I am so far away, but I would like a George. He looks like a very *ready* admiral.
He looks like one of those segmented flip-books where you can mix up body parts to create hilarious-looking composites! Like, head and tail of a tiny goofy lapdog, body of a noble German Shepherd. Good work George, A+ dogging.
He is! He’s half-German shepherd and half- Pekinese. An ungodly pairing on paper, and yet…
That must’ve been one hell of a Friday night. Woof.
I just can’t stop picturing that little Pekinese pushing a stepladder along, wagging its tail, saying tonight’s the night! to itself.
I just finished watching Band of Brothers and that dog is a canine George Luz. I want it now.
You cut a dashing figure there, George!
his legs are so long!!! HI George!!
I refuse to believe that dog is real.
so tol
I’m sitting here all alone in my office, and I can’t stop staring at George, and laughing, and staring and laughing some more. George! (Thank you, is what I’m saying.)
OMG. He’s the mismatched sticker book of dogs
This guy’s counterpart lives in my neighborhood — a half pit half corgie that is basically a pit head on the stumpiest little tube body. I laugh so hard every time I see him and I don’t think his owner gets it.
Doing an image google search for “[any breed] corgi mix” is guaranteed hilarity
Thank you for this gift.
I’m almost in tears, George is so perfect.
What the fuck even is this dog. He’s so happy. Like, don’t you know how silly you look, dog?
I want him to be my friend….
This dog was being discussed in a chat I was in last night, and a fellow from North Carolina was actually considering maybe going to see about this dog!
Oh yay! I so hope George gets a good home!
BLESS HIS LIL CURLY TAIL
Bless George. A duck bill would not be out of place on that Frankenstein’s monster of a dog.
OMG, he’s a fuzzy pug on stilts! Love.
By boyfriend’s dog is like this. He’s only 40 lbs, but all legs and very bendy, and somehow manages to take up the entire couch even when other people are sitting on it.
EDIT: I see George is part pekingese, so basically fuzzy pug, but I sit corrected.
The Toast could sponsor him!
https://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/14562073
Is there a newsletter for that Toast Retreat someone mentioned a few weeks back?
Breakup installment 3: The Breakuppening
Pet thread?Spent last weekend doing spur of the moment deupholstery.
However. I failed to take into account that that is Casimir’s favorite seat.
He was less than impressed. Especially when I finished.
Meanwhile, Gomez continued unaffected.
While Cloe was just generally depressed.
Peanut butter faces:
And prim and proper paws:
Not my dog, but my folks’ dog, in a bag at various beauty spots and tourist attractions. I would not ordinarily endorse dogs in bags, but Timothy really seems to enjoy it.
Many more here: <a href=”http://www.doginabag.co.uk” target=”_blank”>http://www.doginabag.co.uk
OH MY GOD. I said in the link roundup that I was a cat person, but it turns out I’m a dog -in-a-bag person too.
OMG Timothy that is an A+ dog name.
hahaha! In Vienna you can’t take a dog on public transportation unless you put him/her in your purse or bag or whatever, so I have seen a lot of cheerful dogs in bags in my life and it is a wonderful sight! He would fit right in. Rock on, Timothy!
Mom sent me a valentines day package. She took it to the post office and ordered 2-day shipping and it was supposed to show up in my box on the 11th. It finally arrived on the 22nd after sitting somewhere in the small town post office for a week and a half. Good times. The kittens, however, enjoyed the gift of a box and an opportunity to explore the scent of crayons. Janie likes this grumpy-cat box.
We also had a snow day this week (totally unnecessary, IMO, but hey, day off). Pye decided that the best way to spend it was sitting on my chest.
Oh Casimir, what destruction hath been wrought?? Your beloved chair! Your throne!
This is one stoned kitty–photo credit to my cat sitter, who took this while I was out of town this week.
HAH! That is an amazing picture.
Here is Copper, aka “The Fuzz”, who sleeps with his paws all bunched up like that on the regular:
I love it when dogs do the piles of feet! Copper, I want to squeeze you.
We had a monster thunderstorm roll through this week, so Triton and Sebastian cuddled together for comfort.
Triton and Sebastian!
Please tell me you have a dog named Flounder.
We celebrated Saffron’s birthday yesterday! She’s a rescue, so who knows when it really is, but the vet put 2/25 as her birthday, which also happens to be MY birthday, so really it’s just kismet that we wound up with each other.
Happy birthday both you and not-my-Saffron!
I had very happy suncats this afternoon. It’s still freezing but when one is inside the sunbeams are acceptable.
I think Monster Truck missed me while I was on vacation.
(Monster Truck is my favorite cat name of all time)
Here’s my sous-chef, who thinks there’s too much cheese in the recipe and not enough on the floor:
those eyes!
he has the soul of a Romantic Poet, which is much more charming in a dog than in a man!
I also have a sous chef (of the Labrador pursuasion) who always thinks there isn’t enough floor cheese!
Me too! Labrador eyes are always so tragically sad when there’s food around, but then their excited ears give them away.
Atticus frequently jumps onto my desk, but for some reason he became determined to climb up the back of it this week. (He was not successful.)
Gertie is very cute, but is still pooping on the kitchen floor most mornings.
I am actually seeing your pet photos this week! Huzzah and yay!
Yay! I didn’t realize they weren’t showing up, grrr intense debate!
I always assumed it was something with google, but who knows!
I see them if I find them within about an hour and then they vanish. I saw them both earlier but now Atticus is a grey circle but Gertie is still here.
THAT IS BIZARRE. I had some people’s pics disappearing for awhile too but haven’t had any issues in some time.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I can’t see them. 🙁
It seems like EuterpesDelight is correct and it is a thing with google. I shall use flickr for all my very important cat pictures going forward.
But also I can only partially see the finished upholstery picture from bighairnoheart (only the top of the window blinds, so I have no idea what the result was, or how the cat reacted!) So maybe it is an IntenseDebate thing.
Me too!
Yesterday I had the same (did ctrl-click and opened it in a new tab and it all showed in the new tab) and now they are all there. Gertie has been replaced by a grey circle though!
Both grey circles for me. 🙁 I demand my pet pictures!
This week we finally made it to the v-e-t. The look of betrayal was profound.
Clio had an anxiety pee in the carrier (as opposed to Calliope who has been peeing on my bed) and needed a BATH.
But with some apology tuna I am forgiven.
(Sorry for any mistakes; for some reason my pics are my photbucket account on the phone but not the internet.)
I have a cat named Cleo who also gets anxious going to the vet – she either throws up in the carrier or starts drooling so it looks like she’s foaming at the mouth. So upsetting to see her upset and always fun to explain to the nice people in my vet’s waiting room who want to say hi to the kitty.
Stella was very happy to see me when I came home from a trip.
I discovered that the small rat terrier next door likes to stand on the back of the couch and, when you pick him up, lean forward and tilt his head sideways to present his cheek for kisses. When you stop, he just leans forward a bit more and flattens his ears even further down to his head.
OMG GOMEZ. Perfect name for the most perfect black kitty.
I bought a Groupon for six weeks of classes at a local martial arts school, and since I have most of next week off I’m going to try out some jiu jitsu and Thai boxing. Very nervous/excited! I have never taken any kind of fitness classes before because exercising in front of other people makes me very uncomfortable but I’ve been wanting to take a martial arts class since I was a kid.
Good luck! It’s a lot of fun if you get a good group.
Yesssss! I just started krav maga again, and it’s truly excellent. I was a bit uncomfortable at my previous krav maga school, because besides me it was 100% jacked, stone-faced men. But this class is through my university, so the instructor says things like “You’re trying to print your thesis and he just used the last of the ink! KILL HIM! KILL HIM! HAMMERFIST! Aaaaaand… time!”. Delightful.
I want to learn Krav Maga! I was re-watching that episode of Jessica Jones last night where Trish practices Krav Maga and it made me want to be a badass like her.
I’d be down for any self-defense class if I felt I was getting a real workout out of it.
Update on my legal name change:
So, I made it surprisingly un-awkward at work by sending out an e-mail then hiding away from everyone until a few days had passed, making it old news. Using my new name is kind of like this Puss In Boots thing where it feels like a lie that if I keep telling long enough will actually become true. I’m still working on changing my name on all the things which I am taking my sweet time on because bureaucracy, while necessary, can only be handled in certain amounts.
Make sure to change your name on EVERYTHING before you lose your initial momentum. Otherwise you will forget to change it on something and then two years later there will be some stupid uproar about it, with drama and irate phone calls and customer service people telling you that you are not yourself, even though you know very well that you are.
since it’s a new job, they’ll probably take to it the easiest, since they never got in the hang of saying the previous name. so hopefully it will be a smooth transition.
Today is my last day in wonderful, giant, 4-walled cubicle. On Monday, I move to a new open concept, shared workspace. I’m actually sharing a desk with someone else. Like in elementary school.
How do you work in an open concept space and continue to abide your coworkers?
Earphones.
I think I need better ones. My earbuds are barely cutting it now.
I’ve been offered the opportunity to work from home if the new arrangement doesn’t work.
The brand name’s rubbed off, but I bought some of those ones that are designed to not fall out of your ears when you run and they’ve served me well!
Also it sounds like your office is pretty flexible – that’s great that they offered you that!
Are they Bose? Because I have those and they’re wonderful! They’re not technically noise-cancelling but because they sit so securely in your ear they do quite a bit of that anyway.
Another vote for Bose – in ear noise cancelling are excellent, as are the over ear noise cancelling!
Earphones, and having a very diplomatic way of saying everyone needs to be mindful of how much noise and conversation affects everyone around them. sort of like a group effort to keep it library-quiet.
I have a contract position in an open format, and they way they handle it is to have all kinds of little meeting rooms and phone rooms, so if you have to make any noise, you go do it in there. it works well, but i don’t know how people do it when there isn’t a quiet car policy in the public space.
i’ll say this, try leaning toward the work from home option in any case. a company that is open to that is rare, and if you’re the type with a good work ethic and don’t need the threat of a boss standing over you, working from home can be amazingly productive.
Headphones. ADHD medication.
You have my deepest sympathies. When that happened to me it inspired a kind of summer camp-esque camaraderie that eventually devolved into the office being a zoo where people shot each other with Nerf guns and threw shit at each other all day. I solved it by quitting, but hopefully the transition will be better for you! And yes, headphones are a must.
Yeah, I am here to recommend quitting.
My open office had beanbags, which people would pile into a tall tower, then fling themselves against the tower, collapsing on the heap of beanbags in hysterical laughter before resetting the spittle-coated pile for the next person in line. These were adults in their 30s and 40s and I never miss them at all..
I abided it with an old-school iMac with the long-necked screen you could move around, which I posed in various places as needed throughout the day to create the illusion of a wall. I wish they still made those; that was my favorite computer design ever.
headphones, the wherewithal to actually say, “WHAT are you listening to” in a scathing tone to your coworker who has been listening to ambient trip-hop for the past half hour
Open offices are terrible.
Clear boundaries of your space/their space, headphones.
I guess running tape down the middle of the desk and yelling “THIS IS MY SIDE” is probably frowned upon?
(Open offices are The Worst, and you have my sincerest and deepest sympathies).
Tape’s good, I would have just propped up a Duotang folder between me & coworker, like a little wall, like in grade school, like “No peeking on my test, ok?”
Ah, so many memories!!
First day, find the biggest, meanest person in the place and kick their ass. Then you will be the alpha.
Also, sharpen the end of a toothbrush in case you have to shank somebody.
I think the nature of your coworkers matters a lot in terms of what you’ll need to cope. I work in an open office, and everyone here is a very quiet introvert, so there are no sounds all day except for typing and distant whispered clarifications. Everyone is on their best library behavior.
Actually, I wish we had closed offices because I feel like then maybe my colleagues would be more comfortable collaborating/chatting? So for me, the coping mechanism is going for walks in the skyways during breaks so I can see and hear other people.
I don’t know what skyways are but they sound pleasantly sci-fi
So my actual suggestions, from someone who’s suffered through this shit for a while: get out if at all possible. Remote work is the best. If not possible, get noise-canceling headphones. I use Bose noise-canceling earbuds that I stole from my brother, but I actually think over-ears tend to be better, because you make it very obvious that you’re in don’t-fuck-with-me zone. The Wirecutter has some good recommendations here. Get some sort of office messaging system (Slack, HipChat, Skype…doesn’t really matter what), and insist on some ground rules – headphones on means leave me alone; ping me if it’s important via the chat/messaging system. This is something that you’ll probably need boss support on. It’s the biggest problem we have in our office space; nobody fucking respects headphones, and two people are too fucking stubborn to just get on the goddamn Slack (and our bosses are too lax about it), so we end up waving at each other, or getting tapped on the shoulder while you’re in the zone. (Can you tell this makes me grumpy?) Also, I have constructed small pseudo-walls out of plants, monitors, and a lamp, and it makes things at least bearable, so I suggest that as well.
I just found out that I’m going to have my own wee cubicle after all!
Keep the toothbrush shank, just in case.
With difficulty. I spend four and a half hours every day on my library’s enquiry desk, sharing with another member of staff; some are fine, but some are infuriating (humming, mouth-breathing, burping, sniffing), and the customer-facing aspect means no headphones. I just grit my teeth and try to bear it. Good luck!
Boston toasties, my university’s alumni chapter is throwing a mini-Scav Hunt this April! Anyone interested in joining a team? It will be very silly and fun and the prizes are gift certificates to a bookstore! http://www.uchicagoboston.org/article.html?aid=27…
Okay now I gotta do this awkward “Do I know you in RL” dance. Because I can’t leave a fellow scavvie alone.
…Macpierce?
Actually, yes, I was on MacPierce! Llamas forever! I graduated in 2008.
(Now I am intensely curious if I know you! I know there are several UChicago alumni who are active commenters, and many more who read it…)
:O
class of 2010, I was the bitchy bespectacled darkhaired girl who commandeered all the art items
I suspect that description doesn’t necessarily narrow things down among Toasties…
It really doesn’t. 😉
Hah, I was the bitchy bespectacled brunette who generally worked on cooking items! So we probably do know each other, but I cannot remember any names. Are you in Boston now?
Nope, Philly, tho only have been for a year.
Cooking…so you worked with Allison? She did a lot of cooking items…
I fear my strongest memories/friendships/name-remembering abilities are 08 and later–I think I scavved for three years after I graduated.
Damn I don’t have any pictures from ’08 scav…?? Here’s ’07, which I am 100% okay with posting cause holy balls i’m a little babby here: https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1…
I did work with Allison, I was her assistant cook during the 2010 scav! (My real name is Rachel, if that helps.)
I do not remember you, alas, though I might have pics from 2007/2008 scav on FB that we’re both in. I was out of the dorms by 2007. I did the road trip in 2007 and did most of the cooking in 2008, then was gone in 2009, came back in 2010 and mostly assisted Allison, then vaguely helped GASH until I moved out of Chicago. Alas, a lot of my scav memories from then are really fueled by adrenaline and sugar…
I believe I may have found you via FB stalking, but yes, I suspect we never really met/interacted. Hello! I’m Kate! I spent 2011 scav under a chainmaille coif! In 2010 I and a friend sewed up the Argyle Gargoyle!
I can think of at least six bespectacled brunettes with my first name and year, but if you found someone with a puppet for her profile picture, that is me. Friend request away!
Haha, I sure didn’t then! Ah well.
I am an Old. Woodward ’00,back when Woodward was a dorm.
Thants for chiming in tho :3
As a current UChicago student I have to say it’s extremely heartening to know that we get to continue to be nerds about Scav well out of college <3
I uh…yeah. You will continue to scav in your heart forever.
If only I didn’t anticipate April being completely packed with too many commitments, for I have never done a scavenger hunt.
(I mean a real one. Not the ones you do for ice breakers and party games.)
So, what’s everyone reading?
On a more specific note, is anyone else reading American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Life of Teenagers by Nancy Jo Sales? If so, can we talk about page 243 where the 17-year-old girl says teens don’t even date anymore, they just hookup? Like teens don’t go on dates anymore? And they only talk over apps and text? Whaaaat?? Stop making me feel *that* old, teens, ok?
On a slightly less specific note, I started reading The Dark Is Rising series by Susan Cooper and I’m really not sure how I have made it to this level of adulthood without these books.
I just started reading an Iggy Pop biography called Open Up and Bleed. I’m only 20 pages in but I’m already completely enthralled. I rarely read non-fiction because I am a philistine I guess but this is looking to be a good one so far!
Ooh, I will look for that, I have such a crush on him. Biogs can be a gamble though, I hated Steven Tyler after reading his.
i just read the excerpt that was featured on longform yesterday and wanted to roll my eyes and then roll myself into a ditch.
i feel like every time i read a nancy jo sales piece, i’m like “oh god what is this fresh new fuckery” and “it ain’t fresh, teens have always been like this” at the same time.
see: “Boys are a lot less cattier than girls and they’re a lot more laid-back, so that’s why I like to hang out with them. I’m kind of a guy’s girl, not a girl’s girl. I have a lot of guy friends.”
LOVE YOURSELF, LILY
I was shouting that at her mentally as well.
I started Hannah Tennant-Moore’s WRECK AND ORDER last night and even with high expectations, it’s better than I thought it would be. The book is somewhere between the frank depictions of sex you’d expect from Chelsea Hobson and the adventure of a solo journey in Catherine Lacey’s “Nobody Is Ever Missing.” The emotional honesty is startling and the author is amazingly quotable. Only sixty pages in but ready to go back to it this afternoon.
What are you all reading?
I posted on the library thingie yesterday and I am popping in to ask if anyone can recommend good short story collections so I can wade back into reading for pleasure. I read The Interpreter of Maladies (Jhumpa Lahiri) recently and loved it, so maybe something comparable? I’ve been reading baggy monsters for grad school for way too long and my brain needs some lit popcorn.
I remember finding Interpreter of Maladies a bit bleak for my tastes, but I love Karen Russell’s short story collections – St Lucy’s Home for Girls Raised by Wolves and Vampires in the Lemon Grove. I also really enjoyed Alissa Nutting’s Unclean Jobs for Women and Girls (less disturbing than Tampa).
“Less disturbing than Tampa” = low bar
I second Karen Russell – esp Lemon Grove – and would add any/everything by Kelly Link to the list.
I knew there was someone I’d forgotten! How it was Kelly Link I do not know.
And yes, low bar, but I really loved the book and got Tampa on the strength of it, and have so far read four pages of it…
Whereas I read Tampa first, and was too upset to move on to her other writing.
All hail Kelly Link!
How about older stuff, like the Katherine Mansfield or Jean Rhys story collections?
Everything by Alice Munro. Also Olive Kitteridge is basically a wonderful collection of short stories. I used to think I wasn’t a big short story person, but then read Kitteridge and a bunch of Munro in a short amount of time and loved them both.
I haven’t read Interpreter of Maladies, but I will throw in some of my favorite short story/essay collections from the last few years: The Empathy Exams by Leslie Jamison (not exactly fiction), Man V. Nature by Diane Cook, and The Unspeakable by Megan Daum
Etgar Keret.
Chekhov — for real. SO GOOD.
Karen Russell (thirding, I guess).
OOOH yes! I forgot Etgar Keret!
Thank you everyone for these recommendations! I am going to the bookstore today armed with a Toasty list!
Artemisia by Anna Banti! It’s awesome and I both want everyone to read it and to keep it a little secret all to myself. Next up is ‘Their Eyes Were Watching God’ because I’ve wanted to read it for ages and my supervisor for my American Literature paper was a piece of shit who completely ignored my request to write on the Harlem Renaissance (and indeed anyone who wasn’t Melville or Hemingway UGHHHH 100000x UGHHHH)
I blazed through Molly Crabapple’s memoir and I may re-read it. I feel pumped to work on my own ambitions after reading about what she went through to live the life she lives.
I posed for her once and she told me I was a great artist model. I had no idea who she was at the time, which was good because I would have done some embarrassing fangirl thing. But now that I know who she is, I have to share this anecdote anytime her name comes up. 🙂 (and also, I didn’t know she had a memoir out, and now I must read it)
I just finished All The Birds in the Sky. It was…ok, I guess? I finished it. IDK it was so plastered with praise on the cover that I thought it was going to be amazing, but it fell a bit flat for me.
Honestly I’m not sure either but yay you for discovering them! Pro tip: You can skip the first one (Over Sea, Under Stone). I mean, it has Jane, and we must discuss Jane’s fate as The Girl, but other than that you can blow through the other four and not feel the lack. I read most of them in fourth grade, didn’t even realize Over Sea Under Stone existed until 6th, read it, and went, “Welp.”
I completely disagree, Over Sea, Under Stone is my favorite!!!
I remember reading Will’s first book multiple times but I skipped the first Bran appearance initially, which made the last book really confusing. I should probably do a reread in order. The last book seemed totally off the wall when I was a sheltered Catholic 12 year old (in a good way) and I wonder if I would get more of the references now.
I’m sorry, but younger me COMPLETELY disagrees on skipping Over Sea, Under Stone. Yes, it’s not quite as up there with the rest of the series, but Jane was my absolute favorite and Will tended to annoy me sometimes, so how could I possibly want to skip OSUS?
(In practice, I read Greenwitch like 3000 times and didn’t finish the series until grad school when Bran became my favorite, but y’know.)
I read Greenwitch first and had no idea it was part of a series, I was so overexcited when I found out.
along with what the others have said, Over Sea Under Stone sets up Merry as an avuncular, genial friend – which makes his eventual reveal and role in Dark is Rising that much more interesting, imo!
I liked Greenwitch the best, I think.
I am re-reading the Star Wars book Jedi Search, by Kevin J. Anderson, for a mean reason: I was writing some Star Wars fanfic and realized I didn’t want to finish or post it because I felt weirdly insecure about the quality of my writing and the depth of my fandom knowledge, so I sought out a published, successful Star Wars book that I knew was not very good to reassure myself.
I need to read The Dark Is Rising! I checked out Over Sea, Under Stone from the library as a kid but then never read it?? Regrets.
I just finished this indie “epic Slavic feminist fantasy,” which I enjoyed greatly. It’s a bit long and sometimes unpolished, as you might expect from a first novel, but it was a very fun read. I will always show up for endless forests, frozen tundra, and matriarchy. My only caveat to anyone interested in checking it out is that it has a LOT of complicated Russian names in it, which aren’t a problem if you speak Russian and understand how patronymics (or here, matronymics) work, but if you don’t I would definitely keep a list.
Can’t go wrong for 99p, have bought it!
Have you read Sarah Zettel’s Isavalta novels? (A Sorcerer’s Treason, The Usurper’s Crown, The Firebird’s Vengeance, Sword of the Deceiver) Fantasy Russia (and China and India), dastardly villains, tragic matriarchs, cool magical systems, and excellent heroines!
No but that sounds AMAZING, adding to Goodreads.
OMG I had totally forgotten about those but LIVED for them when they came out a billion years ago! The bread that made her tell the truth! The hair braids! The lighthouse keeping!
“Like teens don’t go on dates anymore?”
I am An Old Person now, but that was true even back in my day in the ’90s. (complains about rheumatism)
I feel like all of the descriptions are true? I was a teen in the early 2000s, and I both went on dates and hooked up with people. My fiance, who grew up in the same era but in a different region with a different group of friends, seriously dated and that was it – most of his friends also dated the same person pretty seriously.
But I suppose “People! They’ve always had various kinds of romantic relationships during young adulthood which vary dependent on their personal inclinations and surrounding culture!” makes a much less catchy hook for a story.
“Nothing is New, Reports Say!”
My 16 year old is a serious dater, as are many of his friends. My 20 year old has always had long-term girlfriends (months, year+) except for a couple of ‘date once or twice then move on’ moments. But sure, there are plenty of their peers who hook up and move on ASAP, and the same was true in the dark ages (1980s) when I was a teen.
Yeah, I was a teenager in the 2000s and dating was definitely not part of my experience (although that might be to do with my being in the UK and/or my having no social life).
I’ve been with my significant other for three years and I can count on one hand the number of phone conversations we’ve had? It’s all been text (and the OKCupid app before that.) The phone is awful.
Anyway, I’m going through one of my moods where I like the idea of a bunch of books, get them all at once, and then never commit to actually reading them. So, right now I have about nine in my immediate posession with two more coming and will probably just let them rot on my nightstand while I watch Flavor of Love: Charm School on youtube again.
These Vicious Masks, by Tarun Shanker. Only a few pages in, but thus far the narrator/main character is DELIGHTFULLY snarky, and so I am enjoying it.
I’m also reading Breakaway Gale (m/m romance novel about hockey players). I don’t normally go for sports-related romances, so this has been An Experience.
I know some teens who do not date because they do not want to be dating, they are too busy building robots and doing marching band and interning for NASA, but the teens I know who think dating is still a good use of their time still date, so I am dubious about this claim. 🙂
Cooper is WONDERFUL in many many ways. Although super-weird class stuff!
I love The Dark is Rising sequence more than almost any other books, since I was small enough that my mother read Over Sea, Under Stone to me out loud, and I found the rest of them at the library. They are Very Important.
Last weekend I re-read the Earth Girl trilogy, which I also love and wish I’d had as a teenager.
Anddd this week I checked out Memoirs of Hadrian, but I haven’t started it yet.
I’m in full-on Rooster TOB mode with my reading. Just finished the short and sweet Our Souls at Night. Now reading The Story of My Teeth.
I was crazy about Teeth. It & The Sellout & The Turner House are my favorites of the one’s I’ve read. But people in my Goodreads Rooster groups seem very split between “YES!” and “sooo not for me” about it.
I’ve been hibernating from reading while getting my own book through the last pre-pub stages (it’s out on Monday! Hurrah!) so now I get to turn back to all my TOB fun and read incessantly for a couple of weeks.
I’m liking Teeth so far. The Turner House was excellent. Did you read The Invaders? I.Just.Did.Not.Get.It
The Invaders was B O R I N G. Why do I care about your rebellious weirdness but still trying to fit in-ness and what kind of nonsense character is Teddy? What even was the point of his getting a narrative POV?
I’ve seen people say ‘but this is exactly what those communities are like!’ as if that’s reason enough to carry the book. There are a ton of ‘trying to swim in hostile waters’ books out there that have compelling story arcs at the same time, and characters with a couple of ounces of reliability.
There is not as much reading here as usual, due to writing letters and associated attempts at mail art, but we are finally reading The Magician’s Land and now that we are out of action sequences & back to deconstructing Narnia it is going on at a brisk pace. Also reading an intersectional feminist poetry anthology from the 1970s, which is both lovely and incredibly depressing as so many things are not actually all that different today. And we have just started a Diana Chang book from the early 1960s about rape and abortion which looks like it is going to lead to homicidal rages, since right now the woman who has been raped is having to explain to everyone that no, really, she really *was* raped, she didn’t have a secret lover, no really she is not pretending she was violently raped because she actually has a lover and doesn’t want her husband to know, etc etc.
Remember being a teen and wanting to go out (even with friends, not a date) and your parents would ask where you’re going and with whom and will BOYS be there and when will you be home? Or, worse, if you had to beg them for a ride? Teens must be so grateful to be able to skip that part.
I’m reading Cinnamon and Gunpowder which is extremely fun. A gourmet chef is kidnapped by a pirate queen and forced to cook for her on her ship! And of course a pirate ship has, to put it mildly, a limited pantry, but she insists on great meals or she’ll toss him overboard! And then they dine together and get to know each other, and…I haven’t gotten to the falling in love part yet, but it might happen.
Oh, I heard about Cinnamon & Gunpowder & forgot about it! Off to place a hold…
I just finished Disclaimer by Renee Knight. I liked it a lot at first, then it was kind of middling, and then it got good at the end again, so that was a nice surprise.
I couldn’t manage to finish Queen of the Night before it came due at the library, so now I’m back to Viper Wine. I’m ten pages from the end and it’s fantastic. Next, I’m reading The Moor’s Account.
When Sales wrote the Vanity Fair article about Tinder and the Dating Apocalypse, she was criticized for going in with pre-conceived notions and not really paying attention to data that didn’t fit her conclusions. http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/08/has-tinder-r…
I think this is probably correct. I mean, I just saw another study repeating that in recent years (was it OkCupid users?) people are less likely to have sex on the first date and that they have fewer sexual partners, not more. It’s just really easy to sell dramatic “everything has changed!” narratives and rely on the most attention-grabbing anecdotes.
The Dark is Rising is wonderful. So wonderful.
Though my personal recommendation is to start with book 2 (The Dark is Rising) and come back to Over Sea, Under Stone after you’re hooked.
I read the first edition as a boy, with the creepy illustrations. I was entranced.
Reading some very Toast selections currently- still working through the biography of Mina Loy, and started Queen of the Night when I was home sick. I’m about 1/3 through QotN and can’t get my feelings on it to coalesce yet– anyone else reading it?
Almost done with SPQR, by the awesome Mary Beard. Also now 1/2-way through Echoes from the Dead by Johan Theorin, part of a sampler of Scandinavian mystery authors I’m working through. I highly recommend both.
Though I don’t know because my brother (who is just just out of his teens) dated his now fiance with like real dates and stuff and they would text, but they also talked on the phone. And because he was around I knew other teens who were his friends and they talked on the phone to their bfs and gfs and went on dates?
I am here to totally refute the “teens only hook up” theory. Not my teens, not for lack of opportunity…They more roam as packs in self-defense around here. That’s a lot like what we did–partly the group activities happen because you have to drive to get anywhere out here, and kids without cars needs friends with them. And partly because it’s emotionally safer to hang out in a group with the person you’re dating and still have your friends to keep things in perspective. Also because pizza is cheaper when everybody pitches in.
The dark is rising is so good! and there is some lovely but too short fanfic on AO3
I just started Cerulean Sins, book 11 in the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series. The books are now hovering around an even 50/50 split between Supernatural Detective-Noir / Trashy Romance. I’m loving it.
Lots of awful non-fiction about legal stuff and tax stuff and permits and pay scale and unions and budgets and timetables and ughomgmakeitstop in hopes i won’t have to quit or get fired from the ill-advised decision to produce a documentary that I thought I was being brought on to write for.
I am longing for some useless fluffy questionable braincandy like the new Mercy Thompson werewolfy thing. I spent way too much of yesterday procrastinating by reading sporks of Laurell K. Hamilton. (Why do I like people being rabidly critical so much?? I am apparently a terrible person.)
Oooh, I just finished Thirteen Ways of Looking by Colum McCann, and have started Helen McDonald’s H is for Hawk. They are both *beautiful,* eerie books.
I am reading Period Piece by Gwen Raverat and really enjoying it (it made me laugh out loud on the Tube, which is always a good sign). Memoirs about late Victorian/Edwardian childhoods are my favourite. I also just got Karen Armstrong’s book about her time as a nun, Through the Narrow Gate, because books about nuns come a close second.
I love that book sooooo much! So many places where i literally laugh out loud, and then start laughing again ten minutes later just thinking about it. Like the part where her mother is terribly disappointed in her for not pursuing a career making comic drawings of undergraduates. Or the bit where Charles Darwin wanders into a family Anagrams game and mistakes the word “mother” for somebody trying to make “moth” into a verb. Moth-er? There’s no such word as moth-er!
But also I love how clear-eyed Raverat is about the sheer weirdness of the Victorian era, and how thoroughly she internalized all its weirdness, and then how much, and how quickly, things changed.
She is so clear-eyed, which is refreshing after reading so many memoirs full of the subtext Everything Was Better Then, You Modern Types Disgust Me (Deborah Devonshire, I am looking at you).
I laughed a lot at the bit about her aunt getting them to pretend they were people with whom she disagreed and then furiously attacking their views while they tried feebly to defend themselves.
I just blew through Unbecoming by Rebecca Scherm, which I think I bought because Roxane Gay tweeted about it, and then I read the free sample and was hooked. That book was made in a lab for me, a former Southern girl who studied art history and enjoys a good thriller. An art history mystery.
Now I’m reading Charlotte’s Inheritance by M.E. Braddon, whose sensation novels (free on Kindle) have gotten me through many a financial dry spell. It’s the sequel to Birds of Prey, which was a bit of a drag–too many epistles written by characters whose voices don’t hold my attention, rather than Braddon’s own sly prose–but Charlotte is turning out to be much more fun.
Oh good! I will try it, then. Have you read The Trail of the Serpent? I think that one’s my favorite.
Just finished Saga Vol. 3 and going to pace myself now that I know there are only 5 published so far. Love it, especially Alana, Izabel & Lying Cat!!!
I was inspired by the comfort reading thread in last week’s open thread and decided to check out Discworld. So far I’ve read Mort and am partway through Guards! Guards!.
Guards! Guards is one of my very favourites; I hope you like it! (The next books with the Watch characters, Men At Arms and Feet Of Clay are also great.)
Oh my gosh oh my gosh, I *just* read that with my tutoring student last week! …And she confirmed that this is pretty accurate.
I’m defending my dissertation on Monday!! I’ve been doing a lot more useless worrying than actual preparation, but I think I’ll be all right……
OMG OMG CONGRATS!!!!!!
You can do it!
I finally passed my road test after years of anxiety about driving (and two failed tests before I passed this one) and a few days before, I found an article that mentioned focusing on performance, not results, and the concept was really helpful. Actively thinking “I’m going to drive this car properly, and do exactly what the instructor asks, and be safe and observant,” and not letting any thoughts of success or failure and/or the ultimate outcome enter into my head seemed to make a difference.
Idk if that can be applied to defending your dissertation (I would imagine so, but I don’t want to assume) but I thought it was worth mentioning.
I think it definitely applies – and my next major life goal after this is to learn to drive (after years of anxiety, etc.), so…!
You can absolutely do both 😀
I also found some stress-reducing yoga poses (very simple, no crazy contortion involved) and would do them each night for several days before the test. I think taking an active, holistic approach to reducing my overall stress, not just the specific day-of-the-test stress, was very useful.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/sallytamarkin/no-stress#….
Congrats! Just remember that you’re a legitimate expert in your field even before the defense.
This! And you already know more about your own dissertation than anyone.
Good luck!!!
Congratulations! You will get through your defense with grace and aplomb, we Toasties have no doubt.
As someone who passed a needlessly brutal PhD defense last year…
(examining comittee chair had a grudge against my primary adviser & tried to sacrifice me as a pawn to punish her, yay academia)
… my battle-scarred advice is to make a 1 page doc or 3-4 slides with your research topic(s), your research question, your research focus/limits/qualifiers, your hypothesis/argument, and bullet points of your main results. All stated in one sentence each, as simply as you can manage within the jargon customs of your field. Memorise these. Use them as touchstones to help you answer questions about scope, about methodology choices, about outlying results, etc. etc.
If you start to get flummoxed, take a breath and think about how their challenging question relates to one of these core points that you’ve now written and memorised. It’s easier to frame an answer within the structure of what you’ve researched rather than to take a question as a formless challenge against the whole of your project and your life and your brains. (Even if it feels like that.)
You’re going to be all right. *internet hugs*
I love the idea of the 1 page summary! I’m going to try that.
That is a *brilliant* idea.
sending you tons of perfect presentation and poise! You will be fantastic!
Sending you all the serenity and eloquence in the world! You are going to be amazing!!!
Hello Toasties! I’m new ’round these parts, but this seems like the place to ask: how do you deal with impostor syndrome in higher ed? I’m taking classes with an eye towards a degree program, and I’m already feeling like I’m not at the level of my classmates, and that the obvious solution is just to leave before they all realize that I don’t belong (which I know is dumb). I’ve always sort of had that feeling, in school and at work, but it’s becoming overwhelming and I’m not quite sure how to deal.
Just remember they’re all pretending too. So long as you pretend enough to pass, it counts!
They are definitely all pretending too.
One of the most life-changing experiences I had a grad school is when a classmate told me, just in casual conversation, that she had been feeling very depressed but found our university’s (free) counselors very encouraging and helpful. My mind was blown. I realized in that moment that I needed help, too. Ever since then I’ve tried to allow myself to be vulnerable on topics like this–how discouraging and isolating grad school can be, how long it has taken me to find a job, etc.–because odds are very high that other folks are having the same problems. The usual response I hear is relief. If not–if I’m frank about my difficulties, and the colleague I’m speaking to gets haughty or guarded about it, that says more about them than me.
Omg, are you me? I was just wondering last night if I’ve made all the wrong mistakes by going into a PhD program (I’m in my first year). I feel like I’m not smart enough to do good research, but I also feel like I’m getting to the point where I’m going to be too old soon to do the whole marriage and kids thing?
Anyway, sorry for ranting on your post and I this this diagram helps me a lot when I’m struggling.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CCfUQh_UsAAXNKv.jpg
Nooo, you are more than welcome to rant on my post about this! I’m not in a PhD program but a professor I follow on Twitter said something way back that stuck with me because I thought I might need to remember this someday: there aren’t mistakes in admissions at the doctoral level. If you were accepted to a PhD program, you have a demonstrated track record of awesome that you can’t get by faking.
Thanks for that diagram! I’ll have to save that and whip it out whenever I’m feeling hopelessly out of place.
I’m going to start applying to PhD programs next year, and have similar fears about the whole kids thing. We can do both, lady! So many amazing, intelligent women have done so before us, and we are equally capable. *hug*
Welcome! And that is really hard, I am sorry you are going through that.
If there is a really an external gap, then of course you can address it externally — do extra reading, go to office hours, etc etc etc. A real ability gap is hard but it is a solid thing you can dig into and work to resolve.
Imposter syndrome, though, sounds like it is more a matter of your own anxiety and self-judgement, and so you might start looking at how you manage anxiety in general. Do you eat well, get enough sleep, get some kind of exercise? Do you have supportive friends or do they tear you down? What about your family? Do you do any kind of self-care? I realise that is a lot of questions, but for us at least, the only way to really address imposter syndrome is to figure out that there is nothing wrong with us, and the first step in doing that is making sure we are standing on solid ground.
Thank you! I don’t have the same background as the other students, but it doesn’t affect my ability to comprehend the course material at all. And everyone knows my background and where I’m coming from, and it isn’t a problem for anyone except… me. So I’m going to think about those questions and try to think about ways to deal. I really appreciate this, thank you!
You are very welcome. I am sorry you are having to deal with it, but if you can figure out where the undermining is coming from, hopefully you can start to resolve it — like if it is worse when you are tired or haven’t had protein in the mornings or whatever. (That might sound like an odd example but six-year-old is so dependent upon sleep and protein for her self-image and general ability to cope in the world that I am becoming increasingly curious about how many things in life I would have attributed to psychology which turn out to be much more baseline biological.)
So true. I fell asleep every time I took the SATs/ACTs, because those tests always went from 8 am to noon on Saturday. I was too lazy to get up early and eat breakfast, so my blood sugar would just be in the basement the whole time. I wonder how much better a college I could have gone to if I’d just eaten a damn Balance Bar!
Professor here – it hasn’t really gone away yet, but I am getting better. I think I try and pay it forward and always tell students and peers when I think they are doing awesome work. It took me several years of people I respect complimenting my work before it sunk in that a. maybe I was good at what I do and b. I deserved to do it.
I just think about all those studies showing that the more confident people are about their own abilities, the dumber and more incompetent they are in reality.
So if you feel doubtful, you’re probably actually very smart, conscientious, and good at your work!
I have and sometimes still continue to struggle with this in my grad program. For me, reminding myself of positive outcomes when I’ve felt like I didn’t measure up before is a big piece of overcoming the “run away now and hide” brain. You mention this is something you’ve dealt with in the past – can you think of a good example where you got some external perspective that totally contrasted with how you viewed yourself and your abilities?
Since part of imposter syndrome is thinking you are inferior and everyone else is better and smarter than you, changing my focus to other people’s positive opinions or standardized feedback is hugely useful. It loops into the respect I have for outside opinions over my own, if that makes sense.
I think imposter syndrome is almost inescapable in higher ed. Listening to the podcast Self-care with Drs Sarah helps me sometimes.
Thank you so much for posting this, as soon I started listening I was like “this was made for me” and emailed it to all of my friends in my program who are also struggling.
It’s really hard! A lot of people struggle with it! I am having a bit of a rough go with my research right now and the imposter syndrome is really hitting me, so I definitely sympathize.
One thing that I find helpful is occasionally thinking about how many people I would really have to fool if I were truly an unqualified imposter. Like I respect my PI immensely, I think he’s a super smart guy, and he keeps on taking my opinion seriously, giving me interesting collaboration opportunities, etc. My jerk brain is like “but you’re not qualified he’ll figure you out soon you’re a huge liar!!!!!” but my more rational brain can sometimes chime in with “am I smart enough as an imposter to fool this very smart person who I respect, or is it really just that I am in fact qualified”. Imposter syndrome often relies on really convoluted logic, especially the further up the ladder you get. Simplest explanation: you really are great!
I don’t know…the imposter syndrome stuff I read DRIVES. ME. CRAZY. It’s always like, “you have imposter syndrome if you think you’re a fake but you’ve done really well on such-and-such external tests…” but which external tests? which metrics do you have to pass to mean that you’re not an imposter? If you fail at a test, if you aren’t doing as well, if you do well in some things but not in others, if you DO have less background preparation, if you learn differently, if you’ve, like many women, switched disciplines/specialities and are behind….that means you ARE an imposter? I know the current conversation helps some people, and I’m glad for that, but it just seems like nothing to me. Like, you know you’re not an imposter if you’re doing really well on external metrics, which is exactly what leads to imposter syndrome in the first place?
I guess then it leads into the conversation about women’s confidence in academia/etc, which also drives me crazy…it’s always like “wow, women are less confident, why is that???” as if there’s not a system of thousands of macro- and micro- aggressions put in place specifically designed to remove women’s confidence.
Another professor who still encounters this. One thing I find oddly comforting (and might not be comforting to others) is the “fake it till you make it” concept. Even if I do feel like I’m a fraud and tricking people yet I still manage to get the stuff I need to get done and understand what I need to do it, I am actually doing it. This might sound tautological, but being able to do something means you can do it.
However, there are definitely a ton of barriers and gate-keeping in academia that have been set up that can keep people with different backgrounds than white-kid-straight-out-of-well-known-undergrad from feeling like they fit in, and that can really trigger impostor syndrome even more than the background level that I tended to encounter in my friends in grad school. Everyone else has given really good advice/ideas, so the only thing I would say is to try to make sure you have a really good system of academic and non-academic people to talk to about stuff (easier said than done, I know). There might be associations or groups of students or in your field who might have more similar backgrounds to you. I’m a fan of making my own old-boys’-club. My twitter feed is like 80% scientists who are women, so it’s like I’m living in my own bubble.
I’m in a top pharmacy school (brag brag brag) and lemme tell you, the impostor syndrome is fierce.
My main recommendation would be to start going to counseling early. I waited until I was in a sort of depressive spiral to go which was the point at which I realized a) having a medical professional tell me I’m having a rough go of it feels nice b) 99% of my class is already in therapy and c) there is no reward for stoicism. Like not even a small plaque. It’s bogus.
I promise there are like two whole people in your program this actually comes naturally too. Everyone else is feeling some level of “oh fuck what did I agree to do.”
I deal with it by reminding myself that men generally act more confident with less knowledge, and by sternly reminding myself that I am actually good at these things. Take it one assignment at a time, and try not to worry about how you feel-no feelings, just homework. Then when you’ve finished a bunch you can look back and be impressed with yourself 🙂
Ginger drinks update!
Q Ginger Beer. Such spice. Wow. This is not for drinking straight–I found I could not let it sit in my mouth for even a second because the ginger would go up my nose and make me cough. I ended up diluting it with an insipid ginger ale, and that worked well enough for my purposes.
Goya Ginger Beer. It does not come by its spiciness honestly–it contains capsicum. This might be your jam, but it’s not mine. For me, ginger burns briefly in the mouth, and more lingeringly in the esophagus. Which is, for some reason, the sensation I’m currently craving. The capsicum just stung my mouth.
Trader Joes’s Brewed Ginger Beer. Nice and spicy, without too much other stuff going on. My favorite, so far.
Reed’s Extra Ginger Brew. Pretty good! Spicy, thought I mainly feel it as it goes down. It has a bunch of other ingredients, which is not necessarily bad–it’s just not the ginger/citrus/sugar concoction I’m looking for.
one of the great things about ginger drinks is that you can make so many of them at home with just ingredients and an empty soda bottle [or rudimentary brewing equipment if you have it]. i think one of the first things i fermented at home was ginger ale and it blew my mind! you can probably experiment and make the drink you’re looking for.
I have done this, and I continue to do it as part of of my overall DIY-because-underemployed lifestyle these days, but I have to say it took me QUITE a few tries to find ratios of everything that worked for me. I was using this recipe which doesn’t call for special equipment, but my first two tries exploded spectacularly. I figured out that my kitchen gets really warm so I should only leave the bottle at room temperature for one day; then my next two batches were too yeasty and not gingery enough. Ultimately I realized that I wanted less than half a cup of sugar, an overflowing pint of chopped ginger, and barely 1/8 a teaspoon yeast. But I never would have gotten there if I could afford Fever Tree tbh.
For the super spicy ginger beer, have you tried mixing it with good limeade? Potent ginger beer with limeade is the best fancy non-alcoholic cold drink I know how to make.
What would good limeade be? I can’t remember seeing any limeade at the supermarket, but that may have been because I wasn’t looking.
i like the trader joe’s limeade!
I’ve used Trader Joe’s limeade and that Simply Lime stuff, or made it myself with lime juice and simple syrup and water to taste. So long as it makes my face pucker off, I’m good.
I’m a fan of Newman’s Own! Also Simply Limeade.
If you’re feeling crafty, you could make yourself a lime cordial following this recipe which my dad the lime cordial afficionado has now received from me for two consecutive Christmases after returning the empty bottles to me with effusive (for Dad) praise: http://tmagazine.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/05/02/cas…
Ginger beer and limeade, yum. Last month Spouse and I were at a fancy-schmancy resort where the ‘welcome’ drink when you check in is a spicy ginger beer-citrus ade, with a shot of white rum if one is so inclined. Add the rum.
Excellent for the report! I found that as I drank the Q more I got to where I could enjoy it, but I really like it most mixed with Kraken rum, which softens the bite and the spicy keeps the rum from being too sweet.
I have never tried the TJ’s ginger beer, I didn’t even know it existed! Very exciting news!
Have you had Fever Tree Ginger Beer? I adore it but it is potent as hell too! (But in addition to being a good mixer it is my #1 stomach settler. I swear it works like magic.)
I think I have tried something by Fever Tree, but I can’t remember whether it was called ginger ale or ginger beer. I’ll have to check the store next time I go.
Yeah, they sell both and the beer is the more potent of the two.
Seconded! Fever Tree is my favorite ginger beer, it’s a clean crisp burn. Expensive, though, at least around here, so it’s a special treat.
blenheim! blenheim! blenheim! they have varying levels of spicy and they are all the best. sadly i don’t know if this exists outside the south- but worth it if you can find it.
warning: the diet version tastes weird.
Here in Seattle, the entire city is under the thrall of Rachel’s Ginger Beer, which has become so successful that she now has TWO bar/retail locations in the most expensive parts of the city and I haven’t been to a single decent bar here that makes ginger drinks with anything else. I think you can order it online too if you are far from here. Highly recommended!
Omg, I have drunk the most perfect ginger beer in a way-too-expensive cocktailbar
I haven’t been around for the Open Thread in so long and I have missed you guys! How are you all??
It’s been an up-and-down sort of a week. On the one hand I met my friend’s new baby and got to see how well he and his girlfriend are adjusting to parenthood, but on the other I burst into tears today at the library by myself which was Not Fun. Toasties, how do you deal with job/internship applications? I’m still getting better after a breakdown that prevented me from working for a long time, and though I’ve held down a part-time job for more than half a year now, just looking at job listings sets of all those feelings of anxiety again, both physical and mental. Taking a step forward always seems to involve taking a couple back and even though I’ve actually progressed amazingly from where I was even 6 months ago, so often I feel like I’m right back at the beginning again.
Congratulations, Bartender!
I missed you! You’ll be OK. Remember, everyone feels anxious when job hunting. Everyone. You are fantastic and amazing. The right employer will be lucky to hire you. ::Toasthugs::
Thank you! It means a lot to have you cheering me on. I hope you are well and thriving.
I’m on the job-hunting bus, too, and every time I send out an application, I just remind myself that I already know what it’s like not to work there. So if they don’t hire me, it’s okay! Because I already don’t work there! I don’t know how your anxiety is manifesting, but looking at it that way definitely took some of its power away for me.
I hope you have job success soon and that we can both be rid of this job-hunt anxiety! Mine is mostly manifesting as a dread that the job itself will be horrible so that all my fears get telescoped and I stop focusing on the here and now where I *don’t* actually know what the job will be like because I’ve not even applied for it yet!
Hello again! I am sorry to hear about your tough week and all of the anxiety around the job things — I hope you are doing lots & lots of self-care between the bouts of hard work.
Right now I am in bed in a onesie and watching Netflix, so yup!
Hooray!
You don’t say whether this particular thing is a problem for you, but if it is, here’s my advice! During job-hunting periods, I am very much prone to accidentally starting to look at jobs, which would inevitably plunge me into a vortex of despair. At some point, I would look up, realize I had lost HOURS and accomplished nothing but diving into aforementioned despair vortex. I have found that is very useful to designate specific times for job-hunting, with a specific beginning and end time. That way, you can say, ok, I did this for x hours and I am DONE for the day. It is way more productive, and really helps the psyche.
That is pretty much what’s going on – that and this overwhelming feeling like I will be terrible at all jobs and end up trapped and miserable with no way out, but gonna hash that one out in therapy for the billionth time! – so I am definitely going to follow your advice. I’m closing my cover letter windows and endless browser tabs for the day and just allocating an hour to look at it all tomorrow. Thank you!!
I work with the long term unemployed, including people suffering from depression/anxiety/health problems, and one of the things I have found seems to help people is to make a list or a chart or just write out the things that have gone well for you since your starting point – I recommend you get a friend or someone you trust to help and do it when you are feeling neutral-to-positive. Then take it out when you are feeling overwhelmed and remind yourself “Hey, this is tough but I can deal with tough, I’ve done this before”.
Also, seconding the time limits for job search AND tell yourself a number of jobs you want to get to in that time. If you finish early, you’re done. If it takes longer than you thought, say “hey, these are a lot of work!” and finish at the time you said and start up again tomorrow.
Ugh, job applying is the worst! I had a second interview for a position that I was pretty excited about, but found out this Monday that I didn’t get it. Rejection just sucks, no matter what, but mine was complicated by the fact that I’m 4 months pregnant (cleverly hidden during the interviews… I think…) and would love to secure something full time before I have a baby. But then again maternity leave at that position was dismal, so perhaps not a total loss!
Welcome back and good luck! I find job hunting really scary as well. Just take it slowly, if you can, and break it down into manageable chunks if you can (something I find really hard – it’s all just an overwhelming amorphous mass of Stuff).
Toasts, I am a bit upset because it seems I’ve reached a point where it is very, very difficult for me to get a decent night’s sleep without medical aid. I don’t want to be dependent on sleeping pills.
Does anyone else have insomnia or other sleep problems? How do you deal?
Besides the list of Usual Things That Help People Sleep, getting a well-fitting nightguard so I didn’t grind my teeth into dust every night significantly improved my sleep.
Me three (nightguard), and also I have fewer headaches and no more stress dreams about my teeth falling out.
I have chronic insomnia. I take Trazodone. I can’t get by without meds. There’s no way,
Yeah, that’s what my doc prescribed me as a temporary thing. I don’t take it every night, but I usually sleep better when I do. (Notable exception: when Partner 2 is sleeping in bed with me. Then I sleep just fine. Same does not hold true for Partner 1, nor for when I’m sleeping alone. WTF I DON’T KNOW.)
wait… do you sleep better when you sleep alone? maybe you just need the bed to yourself?
ETA maybe I should read the whole thread before commenting.
My sleep issues are less insomnia, than they are “brain won’t shut up, ADD-esque, but what if I miss something, bed is so BORING, won’t enter it until I’m disablingly tired” issues. So I apologize if this is all junior-level “dealing with sleep trouble” stuff that you’ve already been through. 🙁
I always heartily recommend ASMR videos on youtube, to anyone looking for a way to relax. It’s a varied community, and even if you don’t get warm fuzzy tingles from listening to whispering in your headphones, it’s closely connected to the guided meditation/quiet-centering-meditation youtube community too.
that, along with the typical, exercise-early-in-the-day, put-an-orange-light-app-on-your-computer-so-it-dims-the-white-light (flux works good for me), and typical sleep hygiene stuff works okay for me. When it doesn’t, it’s usually because of an overarching stress I have no control over in my life, and when that is dealt with, it goes away.
Hoping you get rest soon though!! 🙁 wishing you all the soft and stress-free pillows.
It’s so weird because I can’t really point at any one thing that my brain is fixating on! It just kinda cycles through some songs (usually Carmina Burana because I’m rehearsing that in choir), then rehashes a few things I did in the day, and then it just takes in the sensory information around me… and eventually I’m like, “Welp. I seem to be still awake. I am tired as shit but for some reason I’m still awake. What is even happening.”
Weirdly enough, disruptions to my routine help me sleep better. Stay up late for a party? Out like a light! Traveling and sleeping in a strange bed? No problem! Alone in my own bed, with a humidifier and having not watched TV or stared at a screen for the last half hour? Eh, it’s a tossup.
As a kid and teenager, I used to have terrible insomnia. I had trouble getting to sleep, and would wake up in the night and stay awake for hours. Once I was 16 or so, I started sleeping through the night. That was about the same time that my parents wouldn’t pester me to go to bed before 10pm. So, by waiting for my brain and body to be actually tired, I would fall asleep faster and stay asleep.
This might not be your problem. But if you spend the evening thinking “I want a nice long sleep tonight, so I will make sure I am in bed by ____” it might be making it worse? You could try not getting into bed before you are actually tired.
But also, we are different people so you do you.
I usually go to bed around 11:30, and I’m definitely yawning/sleepy by then.
BUT. It has gotten to the point where I’m worried a lot about whether I’m going to sleep well, so I wouldn’t be surprised if anxiety about not being able to sleep is keeping me from being able to sleep. Not sure how to stop that cycle.
Know that you will survive and be ok on only a couple hours of sleep, and it doesn’t really matter how much you get that night. You will sleep some, and it will be fine!
^^^ That. Giving myself permission to just be awake and stop fighting it has been a real gift. If it gets to that point, I try to remember that it’s ok to just get up and go downstairs and do something else because I will survive on little sleep, plus it’ll be a lot nicer than laying in bed trying to force myself to sleep.
I have this kind of insomnia and I have started listening to podcasts on a sleep timer to help me focus on something else. I either relisten to something or pick something I won’t care if I miss parts of in case I fall asleep during. I’ve also started experimenting with meditation lately which is at least giving me some techniques for calming my mind down.
When my brain is doing the brain racing insomnia thing, getting up and sleeping somewhere else has done wonders lately. At this point I have a whole nest set up as an alternate sleeping location.
Also, my body is super fussy about temperature, which I always forget until it starts getting warmer and I start having trouble sleeping. Yay, spring.
Ugh YES to being super fussy about temperature! So annoying!
If I’m having persistent problems I usually go sleep on the couch instead, which usually allows me to sleep eventually.
Sometimes just swapping my pillow to the other end of the bed does it for me!
I listen to audiobooks to fall asleep. They block outside noise, keep my mind from circling through anxieties, and calm me. Not all books work, and I have a couple that usually do for when I get to exciting bits (save those for the commute!). I do have to rely on the traz a couple times a month, but not nightly like I used to.
the other thing I changed was to stop having caffeine after 10am. Turns out I’m really quite sensitive to it.
You know, I didn’t even realize I had anxiety issues until I finally started delving into therapy. I just wasn’t ever able to go to sleep, and I’d think about irrelevant stuff most of the time, but my brain wouldn’t turn off.
If that’s you, you might check out some therapy options, because sometimes it’s that there’s surface level stuff happening that keeps you up, but the deep down stuff is what needs addressing. Source vs. the symptom, that kind of thing.
Yeah, it’s 7am here and I’m still awake. I’m technically on vacation right now–not going anywhere, but also not working–and not having to get up is making things so much worse. There’s no motivation to sleep. And melatonin, which has always helped me before seems to cause me problems now. Like, I can take it and go to sleep okay, but if I take it, I wake up every hour or two. It’s awful. I have no solutions, but plenty of empathy. Hope it improves soon.
I have ADHD and find that my fave ASMR vids are just gently hypnotic. I’ve fallen asleep to one of them so many times it’s nearly Pavlovian. I’ve probably watched the first ten minutes three hundred times, and I still have no idea what happens past the twenty-minute mark or so.
I got pregnant and couldn’t take the hard stuff anymore. I still take the original unisom, which is just an antihistamine, but overall the change I’ve made is to imagine myself a victorian ghost that wanders the halls at night. I stopped trying to lie still and force myself to go back to sleep, and mostly just made peace with the fact that I sleep in weird shifts or will wake up on the couch or floor or wherever. That said, my insomnia is not so bad that I can’t function during the day.
Yeah… maybe I’m just gonna learn to live with less sleep? Not too fond of that idea but usually I’m still pretty good at going through the day.
I’ve had insomnia on and off my whole life and have a lot of thoughts about it, but my insomnia is related to OCD and anxiety so I’m not sure how much of my advice would be useful to other people. Meditation has helped a lot though and is something anyone can try pretty easily!
It certainly couldn’t hurt to try! Thank you.
Have you had a medical evaluation for sleeping disorders?
I’m a lifelong night owl and frequent insomniac, and the only thing that ever helped me stick to a more consistent schedule was having a physically demanding job where I got a ton of exercise. (Which I don’t do much of anymore because I have a desk job and I’m too lazy).
I have not; I’m leery to because a friend of mine went in for a sleep study recently, and he was left with a bill of literally thousands of dollars. I can’t afford that. 🙁
I hear you– I’ve been putting it off myself because I have a high deductible plan.
Though my primary care doctor just told me that they’re doing more sleep studies at home now (i.e., where you take the equipment home and sleep in your own bed). I don’t know if that’s significantly less expensive, but hopefully!
There are some free apps that can record you during your sleep. They won’t show your brain activity etc. like a real sleep study, but they will at least reveal if you’re tossing and turning, or snoring, etc. I have one I use occasionally when I’m having bad sleep. I usually set it on a delay for half an hour (so it’s not recording when I first get in bed) and somehow knowing that it’s going to start recording soon, I always fall asleep pretty quickly. (And then I don’t end up having the weird things like waking up screaming from a dream about eye injuries, so I still haven’t heard a recording of that.)
I’ve been having trouble sleeping too since I started zoloft in December. The only thing that helps is concentrating on a single object or series of objects in my mind’s eye. For me, what works is things that are white. Polar bears, vanilla ice cream, wedding dresses, eggs, snow, bedsheets…it’s weird but it usually works.
That’s so interesting! Thank you for sharing.
I do the same thing! I put my objects in alphabetical order (I think my brain needs to put in this small amount of effort so it doesn’t get distracted by anxious thoughts). So every night it’s like a game of Scattergories in my mind.
Me too with alphabeticality! I just started volunteering at a cat refuge, and I have been going through the cats’ names alphabetically. (I discovered they didn’t have a U, so I asked if we could name a new cat Umberto on the day Umberto Eco died. I’ll get to meet Umberto kitty tomorrow!)
So much healthier than imagining replies to obnoxious strangers in online comments, which is where my mind was wandering last night before I remembered that it’s a wasted effort.
Insomnia sucks. And then I can’t wake up in the morning. My body just wants to keep the status quo, stay awake or stay asleep.
Same here! I enjoy categories like “characters/places from book/tv series I love” because that also makes me remember the good storylines etc.
My trick was something my mom started doing with me when I was little. I pick an animal, a food, and an object and then I have to make up a story in my head that somehow incorporates all three. Usually I’m asleep before I manage to get the third thing worked into the story.
Hey, potentially silly question, but what time of day do you take your zoloft?
Because if you take it at night, you can try taking it in the morning instead.
I got help for my insomnia in college, after realizing that not everyone took at least 2 hours to fall asleep after going to bed- that was what I thought normal was, and then the nights where I barely slept at all were bad. Because it was such a long term thing they set me up with a counselor instead of meds, and it ended up working really well for me! So if that’s an option, I’d definitely recommend it.
My problem ended up being that I would tell myself, “Okay, Self, we need to go to sleep now.” and Self would say, “Fuck you, brain! You’re not the boss of me!” I had no problem sleeping for naps- it was ultimately that I was framing it as a command, and I don’t take commands well. Also, don’t sleep anywhere you can see the clock, because damn if the stress of watching your potential sleep-hours evaporate doesn’t make sleep any more impossible. Good luck!
Oh god no. I never look at the time when I wake up in the middle of the night.
Try listening to the Sleep With Me podcast! I absolutely adore it and never have made it to the end. It’s basically this guy who just rambles on telling amusing yet somehow also kind of boring stories and I find it extremely soothing.
I am absolutely delighted that this podcast exists.
Gilmore Guys the podcast does this for me. It has the same amusing yet boring vibe which is very soothing to me and the episodes are usually an hour plus so I can usually fall asleep within an episode and not get to bogged down worrying about the passage of time.
OOo I love this podcast! Bless good ol’ Scooter, that loveable bore.
Also once I made it through a whole podcast without falling asleep and it truly a very strange experience, it felt like being on Benadryl or something.
I’ve tried varoius medications (Benedryl, Benedryl + tequila (delightful), Lunesta, and maybe Ambien?) and they all help a bit, but make me foggy and give me serious rebound insomnia. I do find it helpful to take an Aleve before bed, so my back doesn’t wake me up, and use a loud white noise machine, so fire trucks don’t wake me up. Mostly though, I’m just tired. Also after the hell that is a newborn baby, six hours of semi-okay sleep seems luxurious…
1mg melatonin + Actifed tablet usually does it for me, sometimes with a couple of Nurofen Plus to add a kind of dreamy, twilight-sleep vibe, but I try and limit that cos of the whole potential codeine-addiction thing.
My issue has always been difficulty falling asleep. Especially in late high school and early college, I would lay awake for like 2 hours trying to fall asleep, and my brain would fixate on stressful, awful thoughts the whole time. It sucked. These days I’ve gotten better at falling asleep. I think regular exercise helps a bit.
Smoking a small bowl in the evenings is honestly a big help for me. I’ll be ready for bed at like 9:30/10 and then get a ridiculous amount of sleep. It’s lovely.
What worries me is now I’ve started waking up a few times during the night and being unable to fall back asleep, though it’s usually when my gentleman friend is sleeping over and not when I’m alone.
NGL I have considered getting my hands on some THC. I know it makes me sleepy and relaxed!
Do you live in a place with medical marijuana laws? Because insomnia is usually on the list of treatable conditions.
Well, to be honest, I take Klonopin every night, so…
But if I’m having additional trouble sleeping, I get up and drink chamomile tea (my favorite is Tazo Calm) and read, and usually it helps.
Melatonin helps me a lot, FWIW.
That worked for, like, three nights for me. Then it stopped having an effect. 🙁
I always had difficulty getting to sleep, which was exacerbated when I got married to someone who can fall asleep instantaneously, which made me feel like I was taking even longer to get to sleep. Discovering audiobooks was magic for me. I listen to something I know (so I don’t get too interested and get frustrated when I fall asleep and miss parts) and use a sleep timer so it shuts off automatically.
Hilariously, I discovered reading aloud works for me when my husband read aloud to me one night. This was not an effective long-term solution however as he can fall asleep so easily that he falls asleep WHILE READING OUT LOUD before I can. It is a talent.
I use weed, honestly. My trouble is mostly with falling asleep – a lot of times my brain just will not shut. the fuck. up. It’s not even anxiety, a lot of the time, just trains of thought or, like you mentioned elsewhere, songs that won’t stop playing. When I’m high, I have such a short attention span that I can’t focus on a train of thought long enough for it to keep me awake. (I also find it a lot less “addictive” than my antidepressants – if I forget to take those for a day or two, I can totally feel it, where if I’m, say, visiting my mom for a week & can’t smoke, the only consequence is that I sleep as badly as I usually do when I’m sober). Of course, YMMV, don’t do drugs, etc.
That was my suggestion upthread!
On some weeknights when I’m home alone just chilling, I’ll pack a bowl while I’m on the couch watching TV and eating dinner, then slowly migrate to my bed and Netflix on the laptop, then give myself permission to pass out at like 10 pm. Weed is really the best natural sleep aid.
Twins! And weed + Netflix is The Best.
If you hate weed (I do) I highly recommend getting a tincture. They make ones that specifically don’t include the chemical in Marijuana that gets you high and instead have high amounts of the chemical that relaxes you. (I do not remember the names, someone help me out.) For me, this helps a lot on nights where I’m having trouble.
I never get more than 6 hours of sleep on my best night. I just have to wander through life in a daze. To make things worse, now I have to sleep hosed up to a CPAP machine, which doesn’t completely solve my apnea problem.
You’re probably tried taking ZMA or Melatonin; I’ve been through a period of sleeplessness and taking those helped me fall asleep and stay asleep. Or maybe some GABA? There are a bunch of non-habit-forming “neurotransmitter support” supplements out there that might help.
I’m a super-light sleeper AND I have to day-sleep on the weekends because I work nights.
I have a Dohm white noise machine (BEST), a comfy-enough eye mask, if I’m alone in bed I put on an ASMR video, and I recently finally found earplugs that don’t hurt my tiny ears but block enough sound, hallelujah.
Worst case scenario: I have a small quantity of Phenergen pills left over from something else. I cut them into quarters and one of those is usually enough to knock me out, but I only take them if I can sleep in the next day.
So, who wants to give me new music suggestions that I can listen to at work? Preferably available on Youtube, the only listening platform I can reliably access, and I prefer full albums to hunting around every three minutes for a new song.
Recently I’ve mostly been listening to:
alt-J, Purity Ring, Grimes, Lana del Rey, Marina and the Diamonds, Death Cab For Cutie’s newest, The Wombats, and Courtney Barnett. And sometimes Hamilton. (But not often because Emotions.)
Anyway I like all these things but they’re getting pretty worn out and I am always up for new recommendations.
Indigo Girls.
People who like alt-j and The Wombats (cough cough me) often like Twenty-one Pilots and Panic! at the Disco, though you probably know about those.
I’ve been getting very into Sky Ferreira lately. Try “I Blame Myself” and “Lost In My Bedroom” to start.
Even if you’re not into classical, I recommend Ludovico Einaudi. He has such a beautiful style of soothing but still catchy music.
I definitely have genres that I head to more frequently than others, but I’ll listen to anything once!
Here’s a youtube mix that touches on a few of the things you like– maybe you’ll find something new on it? It’s not an album but at least with the mix it plays continuously. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1duPmn8XY…
Emmy the Great!
Basia Bulat!
I saw Basia Bulat at a tiny club years and years ago…I think it was when I lived in Boston maybe. But I never kept up with her stuff. I’ll check it out.
Bastille? My friend who likes the Wombats likes them too
Oooh Bastille’s good. I kind of forgot about them.
The Pierces, London Grammar, Sky Ferreira, Hope for Agoldensummer, Lykke Li, Regina Spektor, Basia Bulat
I’ve been playing this Flume & Chet Faker playlist at work lately: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKAbjLO1bUw&l…
I’ve liked what I’ve heard of Matthew and the Atlas so far, and I believe the whole of at least one album is on YT.
Santigold!
Tegan and Sara’s Heartthrob is one of my favorite albums and is basically perfect. (I know a lot of people prefer their earlier stuff, but I just love the sound of this record and would play “Love They Say” at any wedding.)
YT link: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLNQQ0sePKJ…
And also: The Decemberists, Emeli Sande, Florence + The Machine, Imogen Heap, Metric, Regina Spektor, Sia, TV on the Radio… if you want to switch from Hamilton, the In the Heights cast recording…
Decemberists is (are? Band grammar always trips me up) one of my perennial faves. Actually a lot of these bands are. But I’m not very familiar with Tegan and Sara or Sia, so I will definitely check them out. Thanks.
Allie X! I’ve seen her live a couple times now and she definitely has the same pop star mystique as Grimes/Lana/Marina. Plus she’s super catchy.
Lord Huron !
If you like Courtney Barnett, maybe try Chastity Belt. Time to Go Home was one of my favorites from last year.
And Alabama Shakes always.
My Discover Weekly just got me into M&O, perfect work music. Also! KING’s album We Are King is sooo good. Dreamy R&B stuff.
I’ve been listening to this French band Pirouettes a lot and some of your referenced bands are in the YouTube suggestions sometimes. They’re kind of electro-pop, a little 80s. Try googling Pirouettes 2016 (2016 is their new single) or their song Dernier Metro, which is dancier. Also Years and Years is in a similar vein.
I’m sure you have enough to last you a lifetime by now but I’ve been obsessively listening to Hiatus Kaiyote as I work. Sometimes I’ll just put “Molasses” on loop. I don’t know what it is but I’m much more productive while listening to them!
I can’t get enough of Hiatus Kaiyote either!
I’d try listening to KEXP’s radio online at kexp.org. They play stuff you’d like all day long, based on that list of suggestions. (Honestly I got pretty sick of all the Courtney Barnett but they calmed down about three months after her album came out.)
U.S. Girls’ Half Free and Battles’ La Di Da Di are two new favorites of mine. I like all the artists on your list, so perhaps you’ll enjoy these too!
Hmmm. I’ve been pretty into Gin Wigmore, Brandi Carlile and Ivy Levan lately. Personally at work I really like upbeat stuff, at least when I’m doing things that don’t require complete concentration. I’ve also been loving the Bird and the Bee.
Oh man, are you me? I’ve been listening to all of those artists on and off over the last few months. If you like involved synth-baroque-pop-ish arrangements I also recommend San Fermin, CHVRCHES, Stars. Angel Olsen is kinda like Courtney Barnett?
i went to portland last weekend and had a fabulous time. thank you for all your recommendations! this week, by comparison, has been mostly buttsville, but ah well. that’s to be expected.
i have been thinking of getting a new perfume. PERFUME, toasties. spring is (nearly) in the air. do you have a spring perfume? i’m trying out daphne by OLO, which is far more floral than what i usually wear.
Oh I so badly want a new floral perfume! I still wear Aerie because apparently i am still secretly 16, but I’ve been thinking I need something a bit more sophisticated. (Odd, because as an actual teenager I wore Shalimar and D&G Light Blue.) I’ve been fooling around with Oscar de La Renra Something Blue, which I do like but it’s verrrry floral and doesn’t have the undertones that I like.
I don’t really understand perfume too much, only that I have a strong visceral hatred of anything involving patchouli. Is there such a thing as a perfume website for normal people?
i don’t know about NORMAL, but when i am thinking about perfume, i usually tool around fragrantica or basenotes and try and search by certain notes i like. i personally haaate musky or vanilla scents, so it helps to go to the aforementioned sites and see if there’s any info. or you can just google, you know, “perfumes that smell like bergamot” or whatever.
i also wore weirdly sophisticated scents as a teen and then totally backslid into “this smells like ginger ale!”
“I have a strong visceral hatred of anything involving patchouli”
In that case, I highly recommend keeping your distance from the entire city of Ithaca, NY. A 30-mile radius should do it.
Hahahahahahahaha! See also: Woodstock, NY, Adams Morgan, DC, San Francisco, CA.
I’m the exact opposite: all my favorite scents contain patchouli!
Much to the relief of many people (including my mom), I can’t tolerate wearing perfume. No matter how much I love a scent, after about an hour I want it OFF.
I love the Gin Rosewater by Tokyo Milk.
ooh that name sounds appealing.
I don’t know if it’s spring-y, necessarily, but I am wearing Alien by Thierry Mugler and I love it so much.
My spring/summer perfume is A Scent by Issey Miyake, which I think is discontinued so you can get it real cheap on Amazon. It smells a bit citrusy, a bit bleachy, a lot like fresh rain and leaves. I broke it out during the couple warm days we had this last week and it was dreamy.
My mom singlehandedly converted me to Jo Malone perfumes, and now anything else smells way to Perfumey for me. Blackberry & Bay is my favorite!
Huge fan of her Lime Blossom! Her scents are so *real*.
I don’t really change my perfume with the seasons because a) lazy and b) the temperature doesn’t change that much here from season to season, BUT I do love Le Labo Bergamote 22 for warmer weather. It’s green and bright and citrusy without being sweet.
i wish bergamote 22 didn’t have that vanilla note because it makes the drydown smell terrible on me (although i’ve smelled it being lovely on other people and on swatches). otherwise, i looove it. the petitgrain! the hint of grapefruit!
Interesting – I’ve never noticed the vanilla, though usually that’s something that stands out to me (because I don’t generally love vanilla-heavy scents). The magic of perfume, though, eh? Always smells different to and on different folks!
it’s definitely not heavy. vanilla just seems to stick out on my skin. musk, too. it eventually just smells like…weird baby powder. skin chemistry is weird! but yes, that’s what makes a signature scent so special! aw man, i love perfume haha
Me toooooo. I love it too much. I discovered/fell in love with Le Labo last year and it could’ve been very dangerous (because that shit ain’t cheap) BUT their sample sizes are pretty generous and affordable so I’ve been able to try a lot.
IANA perfume expert, but my favorite scent is L’Eau de Chloe. According to the google search I just conducted, it has notes of rose, patchouli, cedar, and citrus. All I know is it makes me feel special and springy.
My most-of-the-time scent is Rose Jam from Lush. It’s rose but a sweet, lemony rose, not a powdery rose or a super-floral rose. They only sell it like once a year so I need to find something similar I can get on the reg because I don’t wear it as often because I don’t want to run out!
ooh, i’ve heard good things about this, and a friend just got pacifica persian rose, which is apparently very similar, and it just smells divine. like the rose soaps i remember my mom having when i was little, except not matronly at all. just like smelling a good david austen rose in spring.
Interesting, I’ll have to check it out!
Have you tried any of the Aerin ones? I really like the Waterlily one though I haven’t shelled out for it yet.
ohh me too!
I am in *love* with Seven Virtues Afghanistan Orange Blossom–it smells like summer twilight in California. I pair it with TokyoMilk’s Everything and Nothing (a dark and creamy citrus), and I smell sooo damn good. 🙂
I often buy sample imps (1oz. vials) from Perfumed Court–it’s a wonderful way to try out a bunch of new fragrances without breaking the bank. Also, Sephora gives out samples!
I have reached the tender age where my family is concerned about my single status. It’s been on my mind for some reason and to make myself feel better, I would love to hear stories of people trying to set you up. It can end in success or disaster.
Here’s mine: My mom is the type of person who can befriend anyone. While on the way back from Turkey (we’re a Turkish American family), my mom talked to a Turkish guy my age who lives a successful life as a programmer in the Bay Area. She encouraged me to contact him just to chat and have a new friend. She used my desire to improve my Turkish to strong arm into cold calling him. It went as awkward as you can imagine.
I tried to tell my parent he might get the wrong idea, but they insisted they weren’t trying to hook me up. I believed my dad because he knows better than to do that. Long story short, she tells invites this guy to Thanksgiving since he doesn’t have many friends in this country yet. He is a very polite, nice, friendly guy and he does have super interesting ambitions regarding developing AI and bioinformaitcs and all that. However, I did get the uncomfortable feeling that he probably wanted to explore dating and I wasn’t feeling it at all.
Long story short: got strong-armed into a date (by a friend of my mom’s this time), told him over and over that I was moving to the Northwest very soon, and tried to be friendly and aloof at the same time (none of it this was really his fault). I finally felt free when I dropped him off at the airport.
I think what really annoyed me with this episode, is how lazy everyone was about it. All the other guys people tried to set me up with are polite, nerdy shy guys because I am perceived as quiet and shy. Nothing against those types of men, I just have always been attracted to extroverts instead. Sometimes I can laugh about it now, and sometimes it really makes me afraid that I’ll get pushed into settling.
On New Year’s Eve many years ago, my friends and I went to our local bar and everybody ended up having a terrible time because of drama between two of the people in our group who had recently broken up. We eventually moved the party back to the house my sister and I lived in with several roommates, and because it was cold and I was wearing a sleeveless party dress I immediately put on a giant matronly robe. My sister got really annoyed and told me I needed to take it off and we started yelling at each other and I eventually learned that she was mad because she was trying to hook me up with our friend’s friend and I needed to look hot for him. She mistakenly though I was interested in him because earlier in the evening I had casually asked if he was dating our mutual friend because I honestly wasn’t sure. I was definitely not remotely interested, and it ended up being the cap on a really shitty night.
The same sister also repeatedly tried to get me to hook up with one of our perpetually-single friends who I was not attracted to at all. It came from a good place I guess because I was half-heartedly trying to lose my virginity at the time but she just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t interested in sleeping with somebody I wasn’t at all into (some of us have standards, sister; burn to your husband intended). But the story has a happy ending because several years later I ended up helping the dude in question get together with a friend of mine and they are a great couple and have been living together for a couple of years now.
I don’t let my mom have any kind of foothold into my life so my poor sister got all her anxiety over having 2 single daughters in their 30s. And at one point the threshold for what my mom considered an appropriate setup was very very low. It got so bad that my sister put her foot down and said no more setups. Pretty soon my mom found another guy she wanted my sister to have dinner with. Because they had so much in common and my mom thought they would be great friends. My sister made her swear it wasn’t a setup and that the guy knew it wasn’t a setup. It was a setup. Now my mom gets very little play in either of our lives.
You won’t get pushed into settling. Because that’s something that’s on your radar and you’re looking out for it so it can’t sneak up on you. And you have a group of awesome people (us!) who will back you up and validate your feelings.
Aww, thanks! To be fair to my mom, I know she’s just concern about me being lonely so I can’t be too mad at her.
Loving these stories!
Thankfully, no one ever tried to actively set me up with someone, but I have quite a few friends who, I assume, really wanted me to be with one of my platonic friends from another friend group. Every time I mentioned him, their eyes would light up and I had to change the topic immediately.
My mother (who has Aspergers) once tried to set me up on a date with a doctor she works with, but did it so badly I thought maybe THEY WERE DATING until she told me afterwards what she was actually up to. (The three of us went out for a meal together, and the two of them seemed to get along really well).
That was her only foray into matchmaking.
That’s a romantic comedy I would watch.
Fortunately my family is really chill about me being single (I’d like to get married some day, but am sort of at the point where I’m pretty much *shrug*)
But one time I ran into an old acquaintance that I hadn’t seen for like 3-5 years in a random office supply store and he tried to set me up with a friend of his and it was super awkward. Fortunately I could just be like, yeah I’m good, it was nice seeing you, and ran away.
Can I babble at you? Because your story delights me for entirely me-focused reasons.
On Monday, my latest novel releases, and it’s about a Turkish American guy & a Jewish gal & their parents who have decided they’re perfect for each other & won’t back off to leave them alone since neither wants to be in a relationship.
(Because mine is a romance, obviously it turns out that their parents were right, but hey, it’s fiction. Plus, he’s charming & writes her a lot of dirty limericks, so how could she resist?)
Anyway, I understand your fear about settling, and am hopeful that your family will back off some now that their plan went awry. You’ve got a good sense of self, it seems, which I think will stop you from just going along with a plan to get everyone to shut up. And if you can’t trust the word of a romance writer, who can you trust?
Link me to this novel!! I don’t see enough of people like me in US media (unless we’re being bad).
Also, I’m not mad at my parent anymore. I know their hearts were in the right place.
<a href="http://amzn.to/24rharp
http://amzn.to/24rharp<br />
I’m glad you’re happier with your parents now – I’m sure they always act out of love, but it’s hard when those impulses put you in a tough place.
My family are overall chill with me being single and I arguably haven’t reached an age that makes most people worry.
I’ve had people try to set me up before, often in shitty ways.
The funniest and least disastrous was when, years ago, a classmate tried to set me up with a mutual acquaintance. I had nothing in common with the mutual acquaintance and actually kind of disliked her, the classmate’s only reason for setting us up was that the mutual acquaintance was bi. When she dragged me to talk to the mutual acquaintance and very loudly expressed the reason why she thought we should date, I made an excuse and left.
I don’t think you’ll be pushed into settling because you’re aware this is happening, and in the off chance that you hit it off with someone, it won’t be because you were set up.
My mum has always been somehow confused by how perpetually single I am (I’m 20! Not that it would ever be a worrying sign to be single long-term, but it really isn’t anything to fret about now!!!) and in the last couple of months before I moved, she started telling me, wink wink nudge nudge style, about all her single, queer colleagues who are far older than i would comfortably go for and just… ugh.
Sorry that your mom’s trying to push you into dates with guys you have no interest in <3
There’s a coworker I’ve been close with for a while and who has a girlfriend. We have a great rapport in part because I have zero romantic interest in him and thought he had zero in me (we’d be an odd pair, plus see “has a serious girlfriend” above). A coworker dug it out from him that he’s attracted to me and immediately told me, assuming that my obvious affection for him meant that I would want to sleep with him. When I told her I was surprised that he thought of me that way, she tried to convince me of why I should be interested in him. Luckily, as far as I know, he doesn’t know that I know, but it still made for an awkward couple weeks while I tried to figure out if I needed to adjust how I acted with him. (Which was sad, because neither he nor I had behaved improperly!)
Fortunately, my mom (who is otherwise a great mom) seems to have exhausted all of her matchmaking impulses on my sister, who somehow magically found someone she loves without meeting any of the “polite, sweet” sons of my mother’s many acquaintances.
I was never set up, but my sister had a “good” one. Our Slovenian mother was talking with another Slovenian woman at church. This other woman had a single grandson and they decided to play matchmaker. Both of the victims were in their late 20s. My sister hadn’t been in a relationship or gotten laid in a long time, so she ignored all the red flags and said what the hell sure.
I don’t think the guy was too keen on the idea, because his reason for not being able to go on a date was that he had just got back from vacation and his place was a mess. Grandma reportedly said, “Don’t worry. I’m sure (my sister) would love to come over and clean your place for you.”
They did go out, and it was a disaster. My sister said that the guy really didn’t have any interests. He had his job, which was just a job and not something he was passionate about, and nothing else. After a couple hours, my sister, rather than ending the date, decided to visit my other sister and her husband. He wouldn’t leave, despite many gentle hints, and they had several more hours of awkward conversation.
In case anyone is still interested, the Toast Post sign up form is still open! Get actual mail from Toasties friends in your real life mailbox! There’s the option to be in a one-sided postal relationship, if you’re moving soon or otherwise can’t receive mail but can send it (or vice versa). I’ll be matching people in late March/early April, so you won’t hear about your matches for awhile! If you have any questions or otherwise want to be in touch, Toast Post also resides on twitter, @ToastiePost and ToastiePost@gmail!
(and congratulations Bartender!!!)
Ok, I finally did it! Thanks! (:
Hooray, thank you!
Yay, had so much fun last time, looking forward to it! (Thank you for all your organisation!!!)
I signed up as well! Then immediately developed performance anxiety!
I just got off my butt and signed up too, yay!
Guys I applied to library school and I’m waiting to hear back and can’t decide if going is a smart move for my career or a horrible mistake. I feel weird talking about this at my place of work (I’m a paraprofessional) because because a lot of colleagues know I am considering becoming a librarian and have been very supportive and I don’t want to look ungrateful or waffly. My library mentor moved to another state and I’m anxious about calling her to talk too. Aaaaah Toast Librarians, give me strength.
Good luck! I actually do think it’s a smart move if you’re already a paraprofessional. Make contacts, network like hell, and try to enjoy yourself as much as you can, and you’ll be fine. <3
Thank you <3. Sometimes it’s really helpful just to hear someone say “you’ll be fine”.
All my librarian love. It’s a big step. If you’re comfortable sharing, why do you feel as if it might be a horrible mistake? (PS Call your mentor, go ahead. Especially if you don’t feel okay talking to your co-workers.)
There is a lot going on to make me worried but I’ll try to offer some explanation while being appropriately vague. On the one hand, my institution doesn’t offer financial support or a path to a job for paraprofessionals pursuing an MLIS. So I am footing the bill for this entirely on my own (though I will be working on scholarship applications now that my school application is in) and without a job waiting on the other side, I feel like I’ve got little in the way of a safety net once I’m done. On another hand, I wrote my application about my interest in digital libraries but since I just started teaching myself to code in the last few months, I feel kind of imposter-y about it. On the third hand, I have had some trouble with being underpaid during my time as a paraprofessional. That doesn’t have anything to do with school (aside from making it harder for me to afford it), but it is making me worried about making this field my career. Whew.
I have several librarian friends and family members, and they are almost entirely underpaid (one friend of my dad is the head reference librarian or something at an ivy league school, and he seems to do ok. The rest of them are pretty much gliding right along the poverty line though.)
Also there are way more holders of ML(I)Ss than there are librarian jobs. (Probably varies some depending on your region though.) But there are plenty of other fields where knowing how to organize information is important!
I myself wouldn’t go to library school without some pretty strong notions about what was going to happen afterwards
Oh no, you misunderstand. The Librarian Shortage is coming along any year now.
I’m 4’11; the Librarian Shortage is here.
I’ll, um. I’ll show myself out.
I’m not a digital librarian but I hang out with them a lot (public library system, so grain of salt if needed). Most of them are making it up as they go along and learning on the job. It’s not so important to know coding, it’s more about flexibility, patience, and understanding how people actually use tech rather than how companies think they should.
If your system has a specific digital branch or department, chat with the head and see if what they do is really what you’re into. And if not, I knew soooooo many people who changed focus in library school or even after. One of my very fave people in our digital branch started out life as a children’s librarian and is now the social media guru for the system.
Unfortunately the $$$ thing kind of goes along with the profession. I was lucky and got a job right out of library school because I was willing to move out of state. I’m able to live reasonably well on what I make but I’m single with no sproglets. YMMV
As someone who is only a year and a half out of her MLIS and heard ALL of the horror stories when I applied, I completely understand your fears and hesitations.
I know that everyone has a different experience (obviously), but there are jobs available out there (even if there are a lot of people with degrees too). I was blessed in that I found a job within 4 months of graduation and started that job 3 months later. I was willing to move to get a job (which I did – and I know not everyone has this option), and that made it easier for me to apply to jobs I was really interested in, because I could go broader geographically instead of broader position-wise. Salaries vary wildly (even in the fairly narrow academic librarian field I was/am interested in) depending on location/cost of living/etc. Some positions I ruled out because I knew I wouldn’t be able to pay off my loans and actually be able to eat on the offered salary.
I guess in all this rambling-ness, my biggest advice to anyone going for their library degree is to be as open as possible when applying after you get it. If you can, be willing to move. If you can’t move, then be willing to consider a wider pool of job types – there are a ton of places librarians can work that might not be immediately obvious. And a lot of those options should come up during your course work – I know I was amazed at the huge variety of options available that I hadn’t considered.
If you want to do it though, I say go for it. I knew that librarianship was the career for me, so I was willing to take the chance despite all dire predictions.
*puts my head on your shoulder* Thank you, I wanted to say all that but I hadn’t the words. It probably didn’t help that I was trying to type up my reply at desk and was called away to mediate a bitter dispute between a patron and, apparently, the whole rest of existence for making NOISE. In a LIBRARY. This would NEVER happen at the Main library!!!
(Said noise, btw, consisted of low chat between a woman and her daughter about a PIN for a website, and my colleague and a dude he was helping set up an email address. The public, y’all.)
(when she said that about the MAIN library I almost fell at her feet laughing. I hear the stories. I know what goes on there.)
+10000 to lemonadefish’s words; you will invest more money in the degree than you will get out of it.
ALSO! If you are just learning to code, you should invest time (and small amounts of money) in that. You will have more job opportunities to work in the area you want as a paraprofessional with coding skills! Lots of the more technical jobs are freer with the “or equivalent experience,” and very few expect to get MLISes with coding expertise.
You should take a really good look at the required skills and consequent salaries of digital-library-related jobs. (If you don’t know about INALJ.com, that’s a good place to start.) As RebeccaTheLibrarian said, these things vary widely by region and by institution. Work on the skillsets to meet the job posts, not just the MLIS. Wait for that until you have a workplace that will sponsor you.
My therapist is retiring at the end of this month, so I guess I’m… done with therapy? Ugh. Therapists should *not* be allowed to retire in the winter.
Ugh. Can they recommend a new person to you? Mine did that when she moved and it’s worked out wonderfully.
She actually referred me to another therapist when she started to pare down her client list at this time last year; I had one session and it did not Go Well so she kindly took me back. I’ve been seeing her off and on for almost seven years. She’s irreplaceable.
Some women have done the opening number of Hamilton with Peeps.
ALEXANDER HAMILPEEP!!!
I saw that & immediately shared it with my mother, the REAL peep-diorama enthusiast in our family
The annual Washington Post Peep Diorama contest is the highlight of my Easter.
This gave me such joy when I saw it. SON OF A S’MORE.
“I’m the damn fool that microwaved him” LOL!
This…this is beautiful.
On a related note, this post from Millikin University is my all time favorite Peep related hilarity.
Toast: I ordered a dress WITH POCKETS this week. I repeat, IT HAS POCKETS. It’s this one: http://www.blutsgeschwister.de/de/p/ladies/tunika…. I also ordered the red one: http://www.blutsgeschwister.de/de/p/ladies/tunika…. And then I couldn’t decide which one to keep! So now I talked to my mother, and my parents are giving me the second one for my birthday (…in May).
I also ordered this cardigan in red and blue: http://www.blutsgeschwister.de/de/p/ladies/cardig… and you guessed it, I can’t decide. (Keeping both is out of the question here.)
Edited because I can’t get html to work, ugh.
Dresses with pockets go immediately to checkout do not pass go, do not collect $200. Why oh why do more dresses not have pockets? Are we not human? Do we not pick up change?
The thing is, I sometimes think this might actually be a retrogressive development? Because in the olden times, everyone carried a handkerchief, and where did they keep it? WHERE DID THEY KEEP IT, IF NOT IN POCKETS; WHY, THEN, ARE WE DENIED THIS PLEASURE
Good question!
My great-grandmother and her sisters (who grew up in the ’20s) always carried tissues stuffed up their sleeves.
I keep them in the top of my bra
My mother-in-law does this with hankies and it drives me bonkers. Let me just wipe my nose then STICK IT UP MY SLEEVE.
They used to make separate “pockets,” (basically little bags that were tied around the waist, I think) so maybe that’s why things don’t have them? I guess it was just assumed “pockets sold separately.”
All dresses should have pockets. I feel like this is a feminist issue in some way.
And dress pants. I just want some nice black dress pants (“slacks”) that also have pockets. Why is this so haaarrrdd?
Absolutely it is.
ESHAKTI. Nearly every dress has pockets. Also custom sizing!
That red dress is to die for
Pockets are one of the reasons I buy most of my dresses from Eshakti! (also being able to to custom fit things)
Ooh! I keep being curious about their stuff cause I see ads for them on my facebook. Are they as great as it appears they might be?
I love them! I get to pick the sleeves, and the hem, and they usually have pockets. I’m quite busty, so having a dress that fits over my boobs without being huge in the waist (and isn’t a knit wrap dress) is fantastic!
I love a lot of their stuff, but I only get the knit material, not the poplin, because it wrinkles so badly.
Yeah, I have one poplin dress from them and I love it, but dang does it wrinkle.
I find the cotton dresses with a bit of stretch wrinkle less, as do floaty type georgette dresses
Oh man, I bought an eShakti dress to wear for a wedding, and I bought it from overstock (so it wasn’t custom-made) and it STILL fit beautifully. and had pockets. Whenever anyone complimented me on the dress or on my dancing, I put my hands in the pockets and did a little dress-with-pockets dance because I am not in the least humble and wanted everyone to be in awe of my dress pockets.
Yes! I do this every time.
THE DRESS-WITH-POCKETS DANCE. always.
I just checked out eShakti and I wish I could order from it! The last time I ordered clothes from the US, the custom charges were astronomical.
Is there something like this but within the EU?
Yeees, I love that all their dresses have pockets (or at least all the ones I’ve looked at). Plus the two dresses I’ve bought fit me very nicely!
Haha, omg I just found my Blutgeschwister dress last week – it had been packed away in a box for 3 years. I love that shop
I am a huge fan of dresses and skirts with pockets. I am largely uninterested in fashion, but would put effort into becoming queen of fashion for a day if I could decree that dresses and skirts now all come with pockets. The world would just be better.
can I say how amusingly delightful it is to see clothes named after US cities, on a German language clothiers website?
I’m so used to the Anthropologie “Morroccan poncho”-this & “[random city in Japan] style jacket”-that BS, that seeing a cheery sweater labeled “Chattanooga Choo-Choo Cardy” for no discernible reason made me smile a LOT. (the idea that Chattanooga is exotic to someone is hilarious and wonderful to me.)
Hah, I didn’t even know Chattanooga was a city!
What’s also endearing is that my dress is called “memories of heidelberg” (German city) but the patterns are named after New York neighbourhoods.
I know I was like “oohhh if this is actually a map of Heidelberg, I might be more interested…” and then I saw, “nope, all American.” 😛
Yes! Chattanooga is a city in Tennessee. Near the Appalachian Mountains…very scenic, but just a city in the South, the kind of place other people would normally think is kinda backwards & not very exotic or current. The google images pictures are lovely though.
I keep meaning to thank you Toasties for introducing me to Victorian/Edwardian/Tudor Monastery Farm in that reality tv shows I’d like to watch thread. This is the greatest relaxing TV show of all time. It reminds me so much of my childhood, when I indeed when to historical reenactment summer camp, and fills me with the fondest memories of shearing sheep and churning butter and learning to write with a quill. So thank you.
OMG I must go look for those shows right away. Sign me up for anything Tudor!
They are all on YouTube! In full!
YESSSS
Historical. Reenactment. Summer camp. Hold on, I need to text my parents and ask them why they never sent me there.
Right?!
They’re the best, aren’t they?? The Wartime Farm series is also really good, and you’ll learn all kinds of interesting things about WWII rationing (and how to remove dye from black-market gasoline).
ooh, haven’t watched the wartime farm one yet. thanks for the heads up!
It was you whose nighttime twitter about Wartime Farm introduced me to this genre, so thank you!
I live to serve!
Same! I finished them all already and I miss them. Does anyone know how hardcore they were about immersing themselves in the time period? My googling has been unsuccessful. On the Victorian Farm one they mentioned at one point that they usually sleep at the manor house so I spent the rest of the shows wondering how much they actually brushed their teeth with soot or cooked over an open fire or laced themselves into a medieval jerkin or whatever, and how much they were just doing it that once for the camera.
Also I love how real olden-days Ruth looks. It really feels like you’re watching someone living in the past, as opposed to every other historical show where they’re like a perfectly clean and groomed and new dress-wearing version of people in the past (cough When Calls the Heart cough Murdoch Mysteris cough cough).
I’m a little convinced that they don’t actually live on the farms, but treat it like their job? Maybe they spend some nights, but like, also not? It might just be that I’m so used to American reality TV in which they would follow every waking minute. But these just seem to be show up/do the things to be done/go home to more hospitable nearby residence with running water and plumbing? I’m also IN LOVE with the fact that if you appear on camera, you need a costume. I just. I want my life to be Sir Acton from Victorian Farm who just INSISTS his entire village/estate cannot use technology past 1880. And that historian whose expertise is PARTIES. Why did it not occur to me to specialize in historical celebrations and ceremonies?! My life would be exuberant.
“And that historian whose expertise is PARTIES”.
That guy is SUCH a weirdo, and I love him <3
Another good series is “Coal House” from BBC Wales (where a bunch of families live in coal miners’ houses). It made me seriously grateful for the ability to run a bath.
Update on work crush should-I-or-shouldn’t-I:
So we are planning to do something next weekend for his bday which is a New Thing. BUT he got bad news this week that he has to have a pretty serious surgery thing soon so I am trying to just be a Good Friend and supportive and make sure he is not becoming morose. I would totally get it (and am assuming) that he doesn’t feel in the place to be starting any sexytimes with yours truly (or indeed anyone) right around now.
Still want to smooch his handsome face though, goshdarnit.
Sometime in the NEXT THREE DAYS (oh dear god) I will take a 14-hour drive and become a resident of Tacoma, WA. I’ll be ready for my surprise welcome ticker-tape parade, Washingtonians!
(Almost) Welcome to the PNW!
-a Canadian just a wee bit north of your new border
yes, welcome! (i’m far away on the east side, but still!)
Please listen to lots of Neko Case! I am in love with her and she sings about being from Tacoma kind of a lot.
YAY
I am a short bit north of Tacoma, by the airport (Viva Seatac!) but in Burien. Are you on the Facebook group?
Toasts, I am reading Who Fears Death and it is amazing and wonderful and I love it. Wow.
I might also be reading Jan Karon’s latest, because I don’t even know why. I can’t stop myself.
I have so far resisted picking up Jan Karon because I think it might end up being like that.
I’m going to meet my friend’s infant in an hour? I got the kiddo a book at babies r us and oh my gawd that store is a panic attack for my ambivalence about maybe eventually having a kid or not.
But I’m getting ready to submit my first ever abstract for a journal article with my interlocutor and am feeling pretty bouncy about it.
Oh, please don’t think Babies R Us or the children you encounter there are in any way representative of parenthood. That is an unpleasant store in any context, and the crying children are picking up on the vibes. Enjoy your friend and her baby.
Good luck on your article!
Good. To. Know. The baby was adorbs and my friend continues to be astonishing.
And thank you!
It is a horrible store. I still have PTSD and my youngest is nine.
Y’all.
My SortofAbusiveSortofEx who is inextricably linked with my current life (job, hobby), has been spending more and more time in the country where my partner lives (multi-hour flight from my home country), and today I saw their casual intention of moving there on facebook, and I’m really freaking out. My partner, SASE, and I are all involved in the same hobby, which isn’t a particularly big world, and I’m terrified of what SASE moving to Partner’s country would mean for my life. (Partner and I would probably like to live in the same country eventually, unclear which one, there are complications (money, other partners, etc.))
I have a lot of doubt and anxiety about SASE’s treatment of me (is severe emotional manipulation abuse? What if they didn’t do it on purpose? What if I’m being a drama queen? etc.), and I’m scared that SASE will ingratiate themself in this community in ways that will mean I won’t be believed when I say I’ve had bad experiences with them and don’t really want to share a space with them.
I see there are two things going on here: one is talking myself down from ATTENTION ALERT PANIC mode every time I think about this person (and also realizing that a lot of my ire towards them is misdirected anger at myself, etc.), and the other is figuring out how to navigate sharing a community where (unlike here) people know that SASE is a poisoned M&M, as it were. Do any of y’all have experience with these things?
thanks…
I’m intrigued by this “Sort-of-Ex” label. If they are “sort-of-abusive” or even if the two of you just have difficulty relating to each other in healthy ways, then I think this person needs to be your Ex, full stop.
I think you should also, though, live your life on your terms and not the terms of a stranger on the internet like me, so you should probably take my advice with a grain of salt.
Yes, I wasn’t quite sure whether “sort of ex” means they are not quite broken up, or they were only sort of in a relationship to begin with.
The latter – yeah, I wasn’t really clear about that.
And this was, like, 5 years ago? But I still work with them, when they’re not gallivanting in the other country.
from someone who has been there
A)it definitely sounds like that’s an abusive not good situation
B) have you considered therapy if that’s an option for you? That was the only thing that got me out of the panic mode. Also, if you’re current framing of the situation is working for you, that is super great, but also it sounds like it might not be. So to that end, it sounds like your feelings are valid and I think it’s totally okay for you too feel them without having to rationalize them as actually being towards yourself.
C) I left the country to get away from my awful person, but it sounds like your awful person has really ruined that one which just sucks so enormously much.
I’m seconding therapy. In my experience, if you’re at the point where you’re wondering if it’s sortofabuse it’s usually actualabuse. I think anything other than physical abuse (and even physical abuse sometimes) often gets explained or apologized away, having a mental health professional validate that can be really really good. They can also help you come up with a strategy for dealing with panic mode.
I’m in therapy, on meds, have major anxiety and moderate depression going on, and a bunch of life changes about to occur (need a new job, might lose housing). Also I just started birth control (the ring) to try to get PMS/cramps under control. Can’t tell whether my spike in depression is related or unrelated to that. Stupid lack of control in this experiment.
Normally I would do the finance thread but it’s going to have to skip a week. My paycheck hasn’t arrived and my client hasn’t paid her invoice so I’m terrified I won’t be able to prevent a bill from being sent to collections on Monday. Don’t want to think about finances right now.
Instead, Toasties, tell me something nice that happened to you this week. My boss loved my first proposal and complimented me on how much work I put into research and strategy. What about you?
I’ve come down with some bug this week, and my coworker gave me some amazing throat-soothing tea yesterday. It was very nice of her, and the tea worked so well I was convinced I was getting better (I was not, but that’s ok. It’s Friday.)
I met my friend’s baby and received a thank you card from them for the care package I sent just before the baby was born. Baby is adorable and surprisingly chilled out (she was a little bit sick on me, but I took it in stride) as are my friend and his girlfriend. It was great to hear them talk about the birth experience and hear my friend talk about how amazing his daughter is. He’s an artist by trade and at one point said “Everything I’ve made so far, everything that I’ve struggled over and which has taken me so much time, just pales in comparison to her.”
My heart swelled.
i was the only one in the office at my contract job and i had a pile of work to do, and the department threw me a few rush surprises, and i got everything done on time. i know contract jobs don’t last forever, but this one is open-ended, so i think saving the day while people are out will make it last as long as it can, and i’m fine with that, because: money.
I was sick this week and a new friend in the area asked me how I was feeling and asked me if I needed her to bring me anything. Given how isolated I’ve felt not really knowing anyone around here but my partner, this was huge.
Finalized leaving date at my shady internship. 4 weeks til freedom!
A nice thing that happened this week was starting my new part time job. (It’s in addition to my regular, full-time job that I really wish I could quit.) My new coworkers were ridiculously sweet and I instantly felt so comfortable and happy around them.
My partner cooked me surf’n’turf for dinner last night, and it was delicious.
I was extremely brave and asked a strange lady where she got her (VERY nice, perfect red) lipstick from in the park, and she told me, and did not tell me I was a weirdo for asking!
Also, I just made some delicious sausage pasta, and had the loveliest, most validating email from [professional person].
I used potential bad weather as an excuse to ‘work from home’ on Thursday, and it was so blessedly slow at the office that I was able to do laundry, dishes, and then play video games the rest of the day, and I didn’t even feel guilty for not coming in even though it didn’t snow that much after all.
Dearest toasties I am having issues.
1. Job: I am the archivist at a small college. I also have been doing something like: 4-5 hours of general library instruction, 5-6 hours of reference appointments, 8 hours of reference/tech help desk work per week. So, about half my job has NOTHING to do with my job title.
In addition to that, I am doing a records management survey, copyright education, archives reference/management, Dspace management, planning for a library redesign, weeding our not so special books out of special collections, student outreach, records system troubleshooting, Collection development for my departments and social media work.
2. I do collection development now for a department that, historically, has been badly treated by the library. My library director lost the form to get their new database, let the ball drop on making sure the department had journals in time for their 3 research classes during January term, and just now, almost 2 months after we said this would be all fixed, we got access to the journal titles we needed. I am frantically running defense for the library with this department. My boss claims that it wasn’t a crisis. Well, she’s not the one getting angry and frustrated calls from the professors.
3. I just turned muttermutter2mutter this week. My birthday gift to myself was a beer, a night off from exercise, and leaving work at 5:15 after getting here at 8 and skipping lunch.
4. My anxiety has gotten significantly worse since December. I left work one day for 45 minutes to get xanax, have a good brief cry, and take an agoraphobia break in my closet with my cat(I work a mile from home, so this wasn’t too bad).
5. I am paid about 3-4k less than my less experienced co-worker who is supposed to be doing all the outreach stuff for the library.
6. I can’t change jobs because even if I get the training needed to move, I will never get the practice doing any of it, because of point 1.
7. Also, can’t change jobs because I’ve been here less than 2 years, my last 2 jobs lasted 2 1/2 and 3 years respectively (Grant Funded and laid off).
8. The fuck off fund is not as robust as I would like it to be before going “Fuck all this” (I have less than 2 months rent).
TL;DR: My job is a jack of all trades hell, and I can’t get out. What can I do?
Just a small corner of this pile-up you’ve got, but why are you doing the work of someone else (who, to add insult to injury, is paid more than you)? I would start there. It’s one thing to say, as often happens, “you have to do this thing that isn’t your job because it has to be done and there’s no-one else to do it,” but it’s ridiculous for them to pay someone else for work you’re doing. Can you take this up directly with the person who isn’t doing the outreach?
not really? She’s also my work friend. I get landed with the stuff by another co-worker who doesn’t trust the outreachy person. So I took it up with her, and when my boss tries to get me to do outreach, unless she directly has a meeting and assigns me stuff, I don’t.
But I still come out doing a lot of outreach like stuff because of reference and department liaisoning things.
Oh dear–that is unfortunate. I still think that under the circs, trying to address one issue at a time is the best way to relieve the pressure, and also feel like you’re taking action rather than being acted upon, which is a mental shift that can help in and of itself.
Have you read much getbullish.com? There is a lot there about workplace micromanagement and workloads and interpersonal stuff. Lots of useful standby lines like “If you’d like me to take this on, I will have to drop another project; these are your three choices” and etc. I read it pretty religiously during library school to prepare myself for future workplaces (not even joking).
I can’t find the perfect ones to send to you, but these are okay: http://www.getbullish.com/2011/03/bullish-seven-s… http://www.getbullish.com/2010/09/bullish-how-to-… http://www.getbullish.com/2011/01/bullish-how-to-… http://www.getbullish.com/2011/01/bullish-how-to-…
Rargh I missed your birthday! Happy birthday, and if we ever meet up in person please let me buy you multiple beers.
Congrats, Bartender! Many happy thoughts for you and your new addition!
Toasties, does anyone have survival tips for being stuck at a borderline-toxic job?
Long story short, I’m at a badly managed nonprofit that values my input less than internships I’ve had. My supervisor is super defensive, which makes it hard to offer any opinion, even when it’s a part of my job. And I also don’t have the responsibility I need to actually do my job well. (Have I mentioned I’ve been here for several years?) I’m actively job-hunting, but I’ve been job hunting for 6 months now with no luck. I’m 100% planning to quit as soon as I can, but in the meantime, paychecks are important, and I’d like to end this run with a positive reference, so being cranky is not okay.
So. Any suggestions on how to make it through the day and not be cranky during the day and go home as a blob of misery? I’ve been trying to lower my expectations to zero, play good music on my headphones, and sometimes pretend I’m an alien observer of poor workplace practices (I think I stole that from AAM).
Any other suggestions would be much appreciated!
I want to know these things too, for a similar situation…
You have my sympathies. It sucks.
When I worked at a dysfunctional non-profit, we just went out for boozy lunch more often than one probably ought to. And also frozen yogurt. (These are not really helpful suggestions, sorry! But you have my sympathies, that is a terribly unpleasant work situation to be in.)
I am near ice cream and cupcakes and taking time to go outside and, like, eat something nice does wonders, so thank you! (We’re a tiny nonprofit with, like, just my boss and me and an intern, so no one to commiserate with unfortunately.)
I am thrilled to find out that these are apparently common dysfunctional non-profit coping strategies!
I eat too much chocolate, and sometimes go for walks at lunch. Not sure I would exactly recommend the first one, but the second is pretty solid…
I am a fan of both honestly. *Drinking hot chocolate now*
any kind of thing where you can separate yourself and realize that nothing about this situation has anything to do with you is sometimes helpful. just take yourself out of each situation, do what you have to, be agreeable, and see the whole shebang as “their problem.” it’s a fine line though, because it can also lead to seeing everything there as so unimportant that you don’t do your job properly, or say something you regret. and ultimately, it’s a cynical way to live, so it’s a short term coping strategy while you plan an exit.
some things you can try to do are start spinning your current work into the work you want to be doing, both in terms of doing more of what you’re aiming for in your next move, and framing what you have done in the context of your next job. at the very least, you want to get out of there with experience you can leverage. and another thing is to start saving money in as hardcore a way as you can.
i have usually decided at some point that i need to quit the job i’m stuck in and look for the new one full-time. i’ve done it 3 times, and it’s worked out that i got hired in less than 6 weeks. i can usually gauge that this will happen when it seems like the jobs are there, but i’m getting in touch with people a couple hours after they’re posted, which means they already have 200 resumes to read [in my field, they don’t usually go through HR search terms]. so, when i feel like the main thing holding me back is sitting at my current job’s desk, not being able to be first in the door, that’s when i quit. and the main thing that makes that possible is having some money set aside.
This is a lot of really good, practical advice. Thank you!
I will definitely try to do more of the mentally separating myself. I’ve found that when I care about what we’re doing, I get a lot more upset than if I just live in a constant state of ~Let It Go~.
Also a good point re: job searching and saving money. I’m stuck in my lease for now, but as soon as that’s up, I’m pretty much quitting and moving to another city no matter what. So if it comes to that, here’s hoping I find something quickly!
that’s the key, it’s counterintuitive to not care about work, when work is something you want to be good at and praised for, and all that. and you will get sucked in plenty of times, and you’ll get upset and angry anew, and these are the times when you back out and remind yourself that your time to care will come [at a new job in a better situation], but the opportunities here are basically over, and it’s just time to make nice and make do until you can move on. good luck!
During Toxic Job, I used to do my job hunting on my lunch break, like take my laptop to a coffee shop or Panera. That helped me channel my internal rage and frustration into something productive, and I would feel better when I got back to work usually too.
Otherwise…man, I don’t know. I did a lot of a yoga and drank a lot of wine.
Good luck!!!!!!!
Seconding yoga and wine. Walks at lunch. Maybe lining up a side gig, if possible, to add to savings and then really just quit if it’s taking too much of a toll on your health to be there waiting it out. Good luck – sending hugs
Wine sounds beautiful. I hadn’t thought about doing job searching during lunch, but may try that. Thank you!
I wouldn’t necessarily worry too much about good references. Most employers these days (if contacted) will only confirm the dates that you worked there, and nothing else due to fears of lawsuits.
Best of luck on the job hunt!! I know it sucks.
Good to know, thanks!
Like everyone else said, just remember that the job is not you. You are a worthwhile, intelligent person, and it’s good to take a step back emotionally and not let any of it get to you.
I was in a similar situation, working at a small company with extremely unethical practices and an unpredictable boss. I tried to fix what I could, but instead of being trained for management as promised all my suggestions were ignored, and the harder I worked the worse I was treated. I was frustrated and drinking a lot at the end of the day. Finally I snapped and quit with only a part time job as a safety net. And I don’t regret getting away from my bully of a boss, but god do I miss the money. I ended up changing careers and starting from the bottom, so I really really miss it.
If your health is not at stake, please wait! It’s so tough but money is the most important thing. So make like Calvin and lower your expectations to the point they’re already met.
When I can’t look forward to work itself I try to change things up. Like getting a variety pack of herbal teas and trying a different one each day. I always go outside on my break, or to someplace I don’t often go in the building.
You say you’re after a reference: are there other people there you like or things you can do to make them remember you fondly? The occasional box of doughnuts in the break room (that you take credit for, humbly and casually) can go a long way.
Vaya con dios. These days it takes a geologic age but you will find another job.
“When I can’t look forward to work itself I try to change things up. Like getting a variety pack of herbal teas and trying a different one each day. ”
This is really good advice I had not thought of. I will try this!
Re: references, unfortunately we’re super tiny (like, there are three of us in the office–me, my direct boss, and her boss who I barely interact with), so no other people. I’m just going to try being super kind and positive (through expectations lowered so low they do not exist), and the idea of bringing in baked goods is great! And in the meantime, here’s hoping for a quicker job hunt.
Thank you for all the kind words! <3
I have no good advice, only sympathy. I once had a workplace so toxic that my teeth would be literally on edge, like I’d leave work with a rictus grin and snap at all the people in my life that I love and who want to make me happy. It was miserable. Oddly, I guess I did end on good terms with my terrible workplace, which might be partly attributed to my Resting Pleasant Face, but I did do my best to balance honesty (this plan will not be effective because…) with insincere agreement just to make people go away. (you’re right! I’ll get right on that.)
Hang in there. Give yourself treats and rewards for doing a good job against the odds. Write down, if you like, everything that is going badly, and/or write down how things could be managed better. My terrible workplace actually asked me for advice when I left, so I wrote up several very satisfying workflow recommendations that miiiight have backhandedly insulted their terrible workplace culture, but more importantly helped me articulate what would work better for me.
Ugh, that workplace sounds miserable. I’m glad you were able to get out!
Writing things out is probably a good idea. Useful for me, if not for the workplace. Thanks!
I feel you on this one!!!
For me, learning not to engage was a big help. I used to come in so PASSIONATE and PRESENT and EMOTIONAL and was so INVESTED in the workplace — because I (I’m sure like you) CARE ABOUT THINGS — and in time, I learned I was causing myself more strife. So yes, tuning people out as much as possible (I’m so jealous you can wear headphones, I can’t anymore!) and reminding yourself to let go of that place and its energy when you leave. I literally leave work and make myself take 4-6 deep, long breaths and consciously focus on leaving that mess behind. And then really focusing on my happy place and my joys and soaking that up when I’m away from work!
Good luck to you and your job search. It’s a hard place to be in but you can do it!
I relate to this So. Much. I definitely need to do a better job removing myself mentally from work–during the day and after. Thank you! (And I hope things get better at your workplace as well!)
I am in a really similar situation so I’m so pleased you asked this question, although i may not have the best advice! Seconding the commentrs who have said that you are not your job – one thing I have done is to make a list of all the positive things I have achieved at my job – you’ll be surprised how many things you can think of.
Also get outside at lunchtime. And make sure you have a treat every day, be it food, or a cool podcast or whatever. Good luck!
Oh no, you have all my sympathies! I’m sending positive thoughts your way for a speedy job hunt (if that’s something you’re pursuing. Also, thank you for the advice! It’s much appreciated.
My big tip is: Learn a new software or get a certificate that will give you access to new job opportunities in your preferred field. If you are evil and clever you might talk job 1 into paying for it, or if you work someplace large enough you can befriend your IT people and see what licenses or backstage web editing access you can charm them into giving you.
If you do this right you’ll either have homework to do at work that takes your mind off it, or a thing that you are doing which shows your employers you managed to be a student and an employee at the same time, plus now you know HTML or Dreamweaver or that fundraising one…raisers edge? I don’t know, whatever that one is.
My sort of joke of a certification class and the paper I hastily wrote for it is a BIG part of what got me my next job. My taking over committees no one wanted to manage gave me titles and management experience. That kind of thing. There’s your work and what you HAVE to do for it, and then there’s things that are not necessarily your job but you can make them your own kingdoms, seek those out, and while seeking be kind to people in vastly different departments, you might find great stuff out on the edges.
(Shout out to every time going down to the GIS department to find out more map stuff saved me from throttling my horrible boss!)
Hamiltoasts! I was watching last week’s Scandal, and Olivia is trying to get Mellie to write a chapter in her book about why she stayed with Fitz.
Olivia: The public wants to know.
Mellie: THEY DON’T GET TO KNOW
Me: ….WHAT I SAID! I’M BURNING THE MEMORIES, BURNING THE LETTERS THAT MIGHT HAVE REDEEEEEMED YOOOOOUUU
I’m behind on Scandal and learning hat Mellie’s writing a book and Olivia’s somehow involved makes be ready to jump back in. They’re both suuuuuch superior characters to stupid Fitz, any chance he’s dead yet?
Not dead *yet*, but this half of the season is kind of killing it. I’m way more into it than I was last season, really digging how everyone is just OVER Fitz’s shit. For now, at least.
I spent that entire episode PRAYING for a Mellie/Olivia make out. P R A Y I N G
Hah! I felt like they were soooo close a few times… and the implication that their relationships with Fitz only worked when the other was involved…
I have firmly believed since Season 1 that both of them should dump Fitz on his pasty ass and join together in an unholy partnership and rule the world.
I am incapable of saying “what?” without saying it like Daveed Diggs: “Whaaaaat”
Edit: Also: every time I ask “what time is it?” my brain helpfully suggests: “Showtime!”
This week at work, A Man came right up behind me and started pulling my hair. Who does that? Why did I not tell him to fuck off? I am filled with regret and a mild dose of impotent rage.
What the shit.
be ready next time to punch him in the balls.
I feel like it has taken me years of self-confidence building to be able to say the things I want to say. It also helps that I’m in a position of relative power at my employer (at least currently, let’s hope I don’t screw it up). But if anyone did that to me I think I would be too shocked to say anything. But rather than saying fuck off I think the appropriate response is “what, exactly, made you think it was ok to do this?” In fact I want to use that line in a lot of situations.
That is a good response! I think a lot of us are concerned with being more restrained at work.
This.
Ugh, that’s awful, and that man is awful.
Also, not immediately reacting or telling him to fuck off is completely normal. For me at least, I feel like I’ve been told I have to be nice and placating so often that my default to these things is, like, an awkward smile? You reacted the best you could given the circumstances and that this guy is breaking some serious social norms right there. And I’m sorry you had to deal with both his creepiness and complicated feelings at your own reaction. I’ve been there. <3
I gave the most. awkward. smile. Uhghgghghh. Other people were there and we all laughed it off awkwardly. I just hate that he knew it would annoy me and thought that would be funny and that was reason enough to invade my personal space. We are not friends! He is a boss person and an adult! Ughghghghhthghrgh.
Same. My reaction to that kind of shit tends to be to freeze up (even when I know it’s about to happen, UGH) and I know it’s, like, a normal thing but that’s scant comfort and it still pisses me oooooooooff that I can’t manage to react in a way that’ll make them so fucking sorry they decided to lay hands on me.
I mean JESUS. Once I was shelving books and this shitheel came up and put his hand on my shoulder as opposed to saying “excuse me” LIKE A BASELINE DECENT HUMAN BEING and when I said “please don’t do that” he went into this stupid little spiel about how he used to be a teacher! and some of his students didn’t like it either! so he totally understands! Which I belatedly realized really meant he KNEW BETTER AND DECIDED TO DO IT ANYWAY.
Don’t treat my desire to not have strangers get handsy with me as some kind of adorable quirk you’re ~graciously accommodating~ and had NO POSSIBLE WAY of guessing at beforehand!
Several years ago I worked at a job where a man completely, utterly out of the blue, came up to me and PICKED UP MY ENTIRE PERSON into the air like I was a child, pinning my arms to my sides so I couldn’t even move. I was too stunned to smack him, it was just a fucking weird thing to do. I barely knew him. It never happened again, but I’m still. . . WTF???????????????
!!!!! UGH. WHY?
I think because he was in a good mood? But yeah, WHO DOES THAT? And gonna go out on a limb and say nobody does that to men.
He was also a general weirdo, and a TV news anchor so pretty big ego. Still.
Oh, shit, NO. That is NO. Why do men think they can do such a thing?
This happened to me once. Jedi hugs. 🙁
My boss did that to me too once, and I had the same reaction you had, because what can you do, really? I am still filled with regret and rage at not saying anything.
Men. Ugh.
Wait so we now have two toasties who had people SENIOR TO THEM AT WORK PULL THEIR HAIR.
(Insert “fuck this thing in particular” GIF)
A —–mailman—- comically snuck up (in view of others, not me) behind me to touch/pull my hair on my first day pf work. (I ragefully told him to not touch me and he didn’t speak to me for a whole year ty.)
The dickwad prime minister of New Zealand had to publicly apologise last year for repeatedly pulling the hair of the waitress at his local cafe. I guess this is just a thing powerful men think it would be fun to do???
That is ridiculous!
For next time: “I have lice.” Then afterwards when he’s horrified, you can add “Not really.” But I bet he’ll never do it again.
Who the eff does he think he is– Gilbert Blythe? (It wasn’t charming when Gilbert did it either, but he was neither an adult nor in a place of employment at the time.)
I’m sorry. That was NOT COOL of him.
2 weeks til the roadtrip with my teens! Still open to audiobook suggestions!
Also, Toasties of the Southwest US, my son asks for your iconic fast/quick food restaurant recommendations.
Sonic! They make their own sodas. Real ice cream in their shakes and sundaes. Sometimes I just gotta have a SuperSonic breakfast burrito. Breakfast all day.
In-N-Out Burger
I was SO sad when Sonic stopped offering bubblegum flavoring for their pops. Bubblegum Coke is SO MUCH BETTER than you are probably thinking.
Seconding Sonic – a panoply of soda, ice and milkshake options await you. You can have a slushy with NERDS. The end.
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
If you hit New Mexico, Blake’s Lotaburger is a well-loved chain and green chile cheeseburgers are the way to go. (You can even get them for breakfast. Highly recommend.) We also have mom and pop fast food Mexican joints all over the place out here–you can even get really amazing made-to-order burritos in some of the gas stations. Also, you can get green chile at pretty much all the regular fast food places down here as well because we put chile on EVERYTHING. I’m pretty sure it’s the law.
audiobooks with teens! I love this.
Rainbow Rowell – Eleanor & Park (my sons thought it would be ‘too romancey’ – they were happy to be wrong.)
Shannon Hale – Goose Girl (better for younger teens, maybe, but the audio is great & led to a lot of ‘we’ll go see the grand canyon as soon as this chapter is over’ type moments)
Emily St John Mandel – Station 11 (better for older ones? – mine were 14 & 18, but the 14 was totally able to follow & we were all super into the characters; excellent audio)
(All of these are excellent audio.)
All of Naomi Novik’s Temeraire books (starts with Her Majesty’s Dragon)- narrated by my audio-crush Simon Vance.
All of LA Meyer’s Bloody Jack books (starts with Bloody Jack) – narrated by another audio-crush Katherine Kellgren
(anything narrated by those two that appeals to your family will be excellent. I have loads of other narrators I love, but those two are esp great for family listening.)
I could (obviously) go on for ages – feel free to focus my babble by telling me what kinds of books y’all normally like & I’ll offer more. 🙂
I’ve been listening to Neil Gaiman read Trigger Warnings, and it’s wonderful. Definitely recommend.
Whenever I go on a trip with my parents, my mom reads whatever non-fiction book my dad is interested in aloud.
So if you would like your teens to spend their time as teen elfsmirk did, I can recommend some great books on Jefferson’s feud with Adams or the American Chestnut (it fed the South! There was a blight! TREE DRAMA!)
Cooking thread because yay food!
I had leftover apple crumble for breakfast this morning (topping is 1/2 cup brown sugar, 1 cup rolled oats, 1/2 cup plain flour, 100g melted butter plus your fave spices, at 180C for 35 minutes) and yesterday I made a beef ragu type thing.
Tonight I’m craving roast broccoli, and I might try making my own dried mushrooms this weekend… Also planning my favourite winters panzanella thing for next week (as always ask for recipes because I make them up)
I want to get back into regular breadmaking soon so bread chat is welcomed.
i need to make apple crumble right this second…
!!!
I haven’t had apple crumble in ages. Need to rectify this immediately!!!!!!!
Yay food! I bought a butternut squash and some crimini mushrooms yesterday because I was right near the organic store and I’m trying to decide if I should do something more complicated than roast the squash and fry the mushrooms with garlic or just run with the simple plan.
Roast squash is so good though… Simple is my favourite. Have you ever roasted mushrooms? They shrink into crunchy little shards that are excellent in risotto, or tacos…
I have not but that sounds amazing. Perhaps I shall just toss the mushrooms on the baking sheet with the squash instead of dirtying another pan….
I made a cafe de olla (coffee/cinnamon/anise/brown-sugar) bread pudding with red chile caramel sauce. Not bad, but I think I need to use coffee flavoring or maybe dump in some extra instant coffee because it didn’t come through as much as I wanted.
Also polenta: it’s easy, it’s delicious, who knew?
Not me? I need to get onto that!
I put italian seasoning, sage, salt, butter and garlic into the water, bring it to a boil add the corn meal. Stir, let it sit and thicken a bit then douse it in parmesan and broil it.
(italian seasoning, sage, salt, butter garlic parmesan and broiling factor into like 1/3 of my diet)
Cool tip: You can make polenta in a slow cooker and you don’t have to stir it. Use 3 cups water for 1 cup polenta, plus a teaspoon or so of salt. (I typically do 1.5 cups polenta / 6 cups water in a 2.5 qt crockpot.) Sitr, turn on high. Walk away. If you think of it, stir again in about an hour, add extra water if you want. It generally takes 1.5-2 hours. Turn off crockpot and stir in yummy seasonings when polenta is creamy and delicious. (Ricotta is AMAZING btw.)
This is magical to me because it means I can come home from work, put on polenta, take a nap, give it a stir, make a simple sauce (i.e., sausage and tomatoes and veg), and have dinner.
You can totally roast frozen broccoli, and this has changed my life. Just dump a whole bag still frozen on a baking sheet, toss with oil, salt, pepper, whatever, and roast until done, usually a half hour or so. I do it at 375 OR at whatever temperature I have the oven on at, it’s very flexible.
I have some broccolini roasting right now but I had no idea you could do it from frozen. My excellent grocer always has giant broc/cauli heads so I tend to buy the fresh stuff but that is super useful!
Gasp!! I didn’t realize this. I have a zillion bags of frozen broccoli…
Ooh, would love the panzanella recipe.
I have leftover pot roast and broth, so I’m going to make up a soup with it. I think it will involve kale and farro and mushrooms. Maybe wine?
I mean, I say panzanella… It’s kind of more assorted roast veggies?
it’s a green (wilted spinach, steamed kale, braised lettuce)
+ a roastable (pumpkin, tomato, brassica, eggplant, zucchini)
+ appropriate flavour enhancers (salt/pepper/chili etc)
+ a hard or delicate herb suitably incorporated (or use dried! I love zataar so that’s in everything I make right now)
+ crunchies (roast seeds or nuts)
+ optional melting stuff (parmesan or goats cheese are my picks).
And I tend to use smashed up crispbreads from the swedish deli instead of making croutons.
My favourite combination is roast squash/pumpkin and just-steamed cavolo nero, goats cheese, assorted seasonings.
This is not a recipe and I am a fraud but roast it, dress it, serve it warm! And tell me what you make!!
I made samosa pie last night and I’m looking forward to leftovers for dinner tonight. I also made black bean quinoa veggie burgers and an udon noodle stir fry for other dinners this week. I can be all proud when I talk to my nutritionist in a couple weeks (I will conveniently forget about the sweet potato fries I got for lunch yesterday).
Speaking of roast broccoli makes me think of this recipe which I believe everyone should know about because it is simple and way more delicious than it has any right to be.
I am using Hungry Harvest and every week it’s like getting a Chopped box! This week we are getting mustard greens, snow peas, rutabagas, and potatoes. I’m thinking a stirfry with the greens and snow peas. Any ideas for the rutabagas?
We are making chicken tinga too, topped with last weeks huge red cabbage with a spicy mango dressing. srsly cannot recommend Hungry Harvest enough!
I have made this for Thanksgiving several years in a row and it’s always been delicious. If Mr Thuja were more of a rutabaga fan, I’d probably make it more often.
Yum! That looks amazing, thank you!
Ooh how do you like it? I’ve been looking for a veg box and it looks great!
I LOVE IT! I really like that they employ the homeless and that they donate food. They deliver right to my door and they do have an organic option. I get the smallest box + mystery herbs (its just my boyfriend and I) and it’s more than enough.
For the last couple of days I have been seriously craving meatballs. I don’t have a fave recipe yet so I’m giving the smittenkitchen one a go. http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2016/02/everyday-m…
They may not be as good as Mrs. Robino’s in my hometown, but I will try anything right now. English people have no idea what constitutes a decent meatball.
Apple crumble!! Have you tried adding shredded coconut to the topping? It is (very mildly) life-changing.
Anyone else who works in a museum – do your visitors/colleagues get crazier by the day? We’ve got a bunch of trainee tour guides around at the moment and they are a nightmare. And they’re everywhere (and I’M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY), and someone else got angry with me about the demolition of part of the building that happened in the 20s… And one of our volunteers is SO rude.
Ooooh, can I ask you how you got into the museum world? I’m about to take a Museum Studies course and have been considering doing some volunteer work/internships with a view to maybe working in that sector in a publicity/content creator role. Might not be that viable, but I’m always interested to learn more!
I started volunteering at my current museum two years ago and just got promoted to sessional work, so now I have RESPONSIBILITIES and I get paid. I’ve also gone volunteer tour guiding elsewhere, plus a ton of short term art fair and festival stuff – it’s been four years since I started applying for museum stuff and my first paid job was last summer. I’m mainly a foh/guiding/interpretation girl but I think everyone I know working in arts/heritage started as a volunteer, doing anything, because you have to be able to show you care about museums. Plus I don’t know about where you live but it feels like there are endless publicity internships available in museums here! And volunteering is fun.
Thanks, that’s so encouraging to hear! I live in London so have no shortage of museums to explore volunteering at.
So do I!! You should sign up on http://www.artsjobs.org.uk and check the Leicester Uni museums job desk ( www2.le.ac.uk/departments/museumstudies/JobsDesk/JobsDesk ) if you haven’t already…
It might not be your thing but if you’re in the London Toasties Facebook group we are planning a museum trip soon too 🙂
Like you said, London has no shortage of museums (and hooray for that), but if you’re looking for a starting place, my fiancee interned at the Handel House during her study abroad semester in undergrad. From everything she’s said, it was both a fantastic experience and one of the things that really got her interested in museum work as a career.
UGH YES. When I worked with docents they were the craziest, most miserable buncha retirees ever. I’m finally in the basement (where I want to be, don’t worry) and nothing is better than not having to corral those weirdbeards. I sympathize and I am sending you calming thoughts.
ALLLLLLLL I WANT is to make my way to the basement… Thank you thank you
Not a museum but a library, but our primary volunteer gets loonier by the day. (Her latest project is to get herself included in the STAFF DISPLAYS. Lady, you are not staff, you are a pain in our collective neck.)
What?! That’s insane. I am so sorry.
I’m nowhere near senior enough to approach our problem, which is both a blessing and a curse because she’s not my responsibility, but I can’t intervene and it’s a countdown to the inevitable awful scene where she offends either the director or a visitor beyond remedy…
Yes! My museum is shut for major redevelopment but there was some major drama just before the closure where one of the staff accused a docent (via mass email) of thievery. Of a plant. One of the other docents replied with some truly scathing remarks (I sucked in air through my teeth whilst reading). And all was ignored at the farewell dinner.
Granted, my museum takes its plants seriously and the (paid) docents are highly skilled compared to other places, but still.
Hahaaaaa as soon as I read the words “mass email” I knew I was in for a ride… I spent most of today sucking my teeth and fortunately our only mass emails are automated since the unofficial museum motto is “we have no idea what we’re doing and good luck figuring it out”…
Ooh, no crazy volunteers lately but the visitors are nuts on a daily basis. Someone got pissed at us today because she was told (by someone else, not by one of our employees), that we close at 6:30 when we were in fact closing at 6. As though we were going to sweep in and say “oh yes ma’am, so sorry, we’ll all stay at work late because you can’t read a damn sign.”
Fortunately I work hidden away from the public, so I get to miss out on most of the craziness. But do you follow When You Work At A Museum? They’re on Facebook and on their own page.
whenyouworkatamuseum.com
You guys! We saw Neil de Grasse Tyson this week. It was so great!
Project thread! Who has an art or craft or talent they’re working on?
I’m still on my Gehyro graphic novel, althopugh the person uploading my images is sick and I have like 6 pages to be posted on the website, so I might just sit down and learn how to do it myself this weekend.
Also I’m still learning asl as per my New Year’s resolution, just me and a collection of youtube videos. I don’t know anyone deaf but I plan to be prepared when I do!
Ooh! Would you mind sharing how you got to working with an artist on your graphic novel? I have a story that I think will work better illustrated than written.
Right now, I’m trying to draw everyday, practice my guitar when I can, and to work on all my working projects in the scraps of free time I have.
I AM the artist! Hahaha!
Nah but I had a very lonely childhood so all I can do is make up imaginary friends, draw, and write. I have no idea how to get an artist… it seems so cool but so personal. I would basically have coffee dates with people because sharing something so personal with someone needs a good emotional connection!
That’s so cool! I figure I need to write some quality stuff first, and then I may go looking for an artist.
I’m working on a novel, and my goal by the beginning of April is to have all the act one scenes strung together in a way that more or less makes sense. I’ve been really bad about making goals though because I am also grad schooling which just fries my brain.
Accountability helps me… like a writing partner or putting stuff online every day. A tiny audience/partnership is the way to go.
I have a great accountability partner, actually. Our meetings are wonderful and really inspiring… unfortunately it’s no match for stress and deadlines.
If y’all aren’t part of the Toastie writing group, send me an email at mel @ melaniegreene.com & I’ll send you the Slack invite. (Sorry if you are – I need to get my head back over there & do a ton of reading & writing!)
I’m still painting, messing around with watercolors and acrylics while I figure out what it is I’m trying to do, and of course I’m at work and don’t have access to the pictures I scanned last week, but trust me, they’re gorgeous.
And I bought Drawing from the Right Side of the Brain a month ago and still haven’t started it; I’m gonna get into that next week, I hope. I’ve always wanted to be able to draw, and it’s only recently that I’ve realized that I am allowed to learn.
I’ve been making drawstring bags to hold my tarot decks! it’s been a lovely experience learning about different construction methods, lining bags, boxing corners, and more. Also working on a smallish scale with the sewing machine.
Because of this, I’ve experienced some unprecedented joy in ironing fabrics for this. It’s so soothing.
Mm, sewing. One of my bags is a patchwork bag, and I love it.
I kind of love ironing. It gives you such immediate feedback. First the fabric is all wrinkly, you swipe the iron back and forth, and suddenly it’s smooth!
I made some new polymer clay minis this week! Unfortunately I don’t have photos of any of them yet, but please imagine in this space:
– A whole cherry pie with a lattice top, in a “pie tin” (bottlecap)
– A buttermilk or chess pie, in a bottlecap pie tin, with one slice cut out of it
– A kind of crappy-looking plate for the slice of buttermilk pie to sit on
My next planned projects are a chicken pot pie and a pie server! (Edit: also, some less crappy-looking plates. It’s a work in progress. Plates are hard.)
PIE TIN BOTTLECAP!! Genius!! I love garbage!
They work really well! The one “problem” is that they’re not quite to any normal scale — they’re a little more than an inch across, so they’re too big for a dollhouse (usually 1/12 scale so these are like 14″ or 15″ pies), too small for Barbies (roughly 1/6 scale). But at this point in my mini-making I don’t care very much about scale, I’m still learning so much about technique with every project.
Drill a hole in the side and make them into necklaces/earrings?
tiny pie!!!
Your pies sound *so cute*.
Yay minis! I’m a dollhouse miniaturist too! You can always just buy existing little plates if you don’t want to make them. Is food your favorite thing to make? So fun! I made polymer clay cookies with my nieces, and we found that old coffee grounds made excellent chocolate chunks in the cookies!
Oh neat, that’s a good idea! I haven’t done anything with non-clay inclusions yet — I’ve made some chocolate chunk cookies (also some M&M cookies and a sugar cookie), but I made them bigger than dollhouse scale and just used clay all the way through. Food is for sure my favorite thing to make, although I’ve also made a couple of REALLY cute cartoony animals:
So far I haven’t wanted to buy any scene components (furniture, dishes, etc.), just because I’m not really doing anything with my minis — I’m not really building scenes, I’m just goofing around and learning How 2 Sculpey — and it feels wasteful to buy stuff just so I can take cuter pictures of them. But I do get a catalog from a dollhouse company occasionally and there is some VERY tempting stuff in there.
All I’ve wanted to do lately is quilt. Which is good because I have quilts to make for baby gifts and mumble mumble quilts I want to make for myself. Also thinking of pulling out my water colors and messing around. Maybe making tiny things to include in toast posts?
Ooh like… when people make very small Oriental rugs and hang them on the wall? Very small wall or desk quilt?
Nah, tiny watercolors! Tiny quilts sound like fun too but I’m not sure I want to mess around with shipping!
tiny tiny quilts pop right in an envelope! (check out #miniminiquiltswap on Instagram for inspiration)
HOW??? Those quilts are amazing and also miles outside of my comfort zone.
Eee, my goodness! I wouldn’t want to give them away!
People certainly do difficult things but actually it’s very easy just to make one! And no one expects them to be all that square, either. You should try it!
I took a sick day on Wednesday and, for once, did not work from home. Instead I drew the whole day, and it was great. It’s been literal years since I finished a full-color drawing (except for the couple art classes I took in college) and it felt great.
Nice work on your webcomic! I bookmarked it when you linked it several OTs ago and have been checking back since. It’s very compelling!
HELL yeah good for you. Do you share your art anywhere? What materials do you like?
Oh thank you! Hopefully I can take over the posting while my sweet friend is sick and it’ll be more regular! Because it’s just getting going!
I’ve been thinking about sharing my work, but I don’t currently! Maybe I’ll make an art/photography tumblr, just to encourage myself to do more…
I’ve been doing a lot of watercolor/colored pencil/ink stuff lately, or collage if I’m feeling tired. It’s pretty theraputic.
I JUST finished knitting a cowl for my sister. I found a blanket pattern I really want to start, but it doesn’t give any recommendation on how much yarn I’ll need (and it’s a pretty big blanket), so I’m hesitant to buy any. :\
Is the pattern on ravelry? Because then you can look at other people’s projects and a lot of time they put their yardage used in.
I’m working on writing and letting myself dream and use my imagination again. Right now, I’m taking a break from the story whose working title is “Miss Fisher, but with androids” to work on a new story that’s “what if Jane Eyre married St. John” + refugee community heavily influenced by 15th cent Ottoman empire + airships.
…when I write it out that way, it sounds so dumb…part of me letting myself use my imagination again is not thinking those judgemental thoughts, but it’s so HARD.
A summary of a plot is not indicative of the writing talent or emotional content of the story. That’s like saying “the Mona Lisa is a picture of a woman three quarters turned from the neck up”. Like yeah okay that’s what my grade school sketchbook looked like so…. Personally I think it sounds very interesting but I know i’ll have to read it to get the real gist of it 🙂
I, too, am hoping to write some Ottoman inspired fiction!
I don’t know how heavily you want to get into it, but The Ottoman History Podcast has been great in giving me ideas.
ooh! always here for more podcasts. I took a “women in the ottoman empire” class in college, but I need a major brushup on my knowledge.
Oh, I am so here to read Ottoman inspired fiction, if anyone wants a reader!
i need to sew a yoga bag, and i’m determined that it will be some asymmetrical thing that holds the mat on one side, and has room for a full change of clothes and hair stuff on the other. i guess i’m going to look at a few patterns, decide on a construction, and make it.
in the last 2 weeks, i added a lattice extension to a fence for pretty vines to grow, strung the one that we trained up the fence, and planted a couple more. then i made a big trellis so i can expand my garden vertically by training cucumbers, melons and small squash up and over the lower veggies. and i planted a bunch of seeds and i go outside every day to see if any babies have come up yet [not yet].
getting all this going has made me want to tackle the other wood working projects in the house, mainly building a wall of built-ins in my office and making an adjustable desk that can go from sit to stand easily. currently i’m in the thinking stage, because i need to wrap my head around it fully before i start.
but for now, today i’m going to drive down south and buy an avocado tree, and visit 2 kittens i adopted to a nice couple on the way.
I am working on a quilt that’s way too hard for me, plus I have one pregnant friend and one trying to be pregnant friend who will be needing baby quilts this year, plus I never finished one of the quilts for my own baby, plus I wish to have another baby and I have fabric pulled for her quilt too. Also I have purchased several lengths of fabric for dresses lately, but I haven’t actually worked up to thinking I might try to make one any time soon.
I’m in full-on project mode, working on a trivia competition/website that I’m going to be launching this summer. I’m seriously more excited about it than any previous side project I’ve done (and I’ve self-published a book and had like 4 different webcomics). I still have plenty of time to burn out on it, but also I feel like I’ve found My Thing?
Hooray project thread!
We are starting to make up for way too many years of fear/shame around anything arty-crafty and doing all kinds of little mail art things — making our own envelopes, decorating pre-made envelopes with washi tape, practising fancy lettering with gel pens, making postcards, drawing little doodles, colouring in adult colouring books, trying out coloured pencil techniques where you layer like 8 colours to get super-saturated effects, practising ‘fashion figure drawing’ from a book from the 1920s, etc etc etc. It is not in fact a project, because if it were a project we might feel like there needs to be producitivity and success and plans and stuff . It is just playing and it is lovely and marvelous, and because we have many penpals there are people to send things to, which seems to be a very important part of it all for us — we want to share the things we make, even if they are just first attempts.
Also someone is studying kanji, although just who is very mysterious, but they are working their way through the easiest 400 Japanese characters with good success via an ipad app.
I really enjoy this “we are legion” style of comment account
Well, I am glad you enjoy it! We are not legion, though, just more than the neurotypical one person per body most of the rest of the world seems to be stuck with — which honestly has always seemed like it must get very boring, although I can see how it would also be convenient in some ways. 🙂
Oh goodness, what a supremely graceful response. Thank you for gently educating me when you could have rightly given me a telling-off. I love your account name now even more.
I also, side not, appreciate the casting off of fear/shame around artsy/crafty stuff and am working to be rid of my kind of misogynist tendency towards similar shame.
You are very welcome. 🙂 Although I am honestly very curious how it was you understood it before — a sort of performance art?
As for the misogynistic aspects of the shame, oh goodness yes, there is a ton of that here, especially since we stay home with our kids and do the crafty stuff while they are in school — it is SO HARD not to dismiss the time we spend on this stuff as meaningless because misogyny says Women With Hobbies cannot be taken seriously or whatever.
No, I literally just did not take the minute it would have taken me to click on your name and read your past comments, and assumed that you were a number of neurotypical people in separate bodies who for whatever reason shared a comment account. I was wrong. I apologize.
And yes, my association with femininity-as-weakness is always deeper etched in than I think, and it rears its ugly head too often. Like re: hobbies that many women like.
Not *exactly* crafting, but I would like to report that I totally scoffed at the whole Adult Coloring fad thing right up to the point where my friend bought me the Game of Thrones coloring book. I’ve been happily doodling my way around the children of the forest page. It’s so weirdly relaxing.
Yes, I spent some time scoffing but now we have a huge pile of colouring books and it is the best.
I recently finished my cardigan! It has a delightfully oversized collar!
Now I’m working on a purple sweatervest. I’m also writing my novel. It’s at just over 8k words now. Slow and steady wins the race, is what I tell myself.
You look so cozy!
It is so cozy! It’s my new favorite sweater and I wear it as frequently as I can get away with.
OMG I WANT!! How amazing!!
I’m plugging along on cosplay sewing (39 days left, trying not to panic) and all the boning for my friend’s corset showed up yesterday, so hopefully I can have some good sewing sessions this weekend and be closer to done!
What con are you attending? (I assume the “39 days left” means a con!) I’m going to 221b con the first weekend in April and am in a flurry of getting my own cosplays finished, though I’m not sewing anything. I recently got a new wig from Arda and I love it, and shoes are on their way to me, and I need to take my skirt to the seamstress and my blouse to the dry-cleaners (I am not ironing a very thin blouse with puffy sleeves).
I am hoping to finish knitting a bolero for my cosplay.
I’m going to ECCC in Seattle. Good luck on your cosplay knitting! I managed to get a couple hours of sewing in over the weekend, so the end is somewhat in sight…
I’m getting back into my detective novel now that the romance is done. It’s always writing with me – I’ve been thinking I need to make space for quilting again in my life. Maybe I’ll start to plan a project.
Tonight my dance partner and I are performing a choreography of mine at a local bellydance showcase. We’ve been working on it for, like, six months and I’m both completely calm about the performing and completely wound up about the reaction to my choreography (when I perform solo I improvise; group choreography is usually someone else’s–this one is only my second). Already I’ve been back and forth with the organizer ask morning because the 4:38 minute music I sent her from my end keeps turning up as 9 minutes on her end …. ugh. Well, I have it on my phone and in a thumb drive, if worse comes to worst ….
I’m also stuck stuck stuck on a novel I’ve been writing for 3 years and I really want to get working on it again and things keep coming up to shove me away. I am the Queen of the Unfinished Novel Ms. and dammit, I want to finish one!
Hey! I’m finishing a cabled baby hat in cream and then I gotta get my ass going on a baby sweater (a pretty copper). PEOPLE NEED TO SPACE OUT THEIR BABIES!
A family member of mine learned this week that she has an ectopic pregnancy, and she’s having to undergo surgery as a result. I’ve never been pregnant or wanted to be pregnant, but I’m imagining how traumatic this is for her—she’s been wanting to get pregnant for a long time now, plus she has very strong feelings against abortion (which I can’t relate to and don’t agree with, but I’m afraid it might lead to some feelings of guilt about the surgery).
She and I don’t really talk about our feelings together, but I’d like to send her something self-care-y as a “thinking of you” gesture. I’m going to be in New York City soon for a few days, which is a city that I know she loves visiting. I’m wondering if anyone who lives in NYC or has visited has any favorite self-care-y items that they’ve come across in shops, bakeries, etc. in the city. (I’m thinking of both non-edible and edible items, but in general, something that could withstand being in the mail for 2-3 days.) Thanks for any recommendations you guys can give!
The ginger body scrub from Origins is a really nice treat. There’s a store in Grand Central, and branches all around the city (and in Macy’s).
City Bakery near Union Square has croissant pretzels that would make anybody’s day.
If you’re headed to Brooklyn, Baked (https://www.bakednyc.com/baked-goods/bars-brooksters/) carries something kind of like a Twix bar that is a memorable treat. Really, you can’t go wrong with anything there.
Good luck to your friend! Have a great trip.
You are very nice for doing this. (Don’t know anything about NY self-care items as when I’m there I indulge in radical self-abuse, but wanted to give you props for a very good idea.)
Go to Murray’s; they will have a delightful array of tasty foods.
I was going to suggest Kee’s chocolates, but they really don’t ship. Maison du Chocolat does, though.
Or, if it doesn’t really have to be NYC-related, Zingerman’s (http://www.zingermans.com/) is having its half-yearly sale. It’s entirely possible that EVERYTHING they sell is delicious. They will handle the shipping for you.
Ditto Zingerman’s! My grandmother broke her femur last year and I sent her a trio of coffee cakes, which my dad reported she absolutely loved. They freeze and thaw well, too, so she can keep one or two tucked away for a rainy day.
I’m usually not a fan of places with crazy long lines, but LeVain Bakery on the Upper West Side has very expensive, insanely delicious cookies that are worth the wait. And I’m pretty sure they ship.
There’s a store all about Brooklyn on Smith street in Brooklyn. here’s the webpage: http://shop.bybrooklyn.com it has charming little things and its on a street with a strip of cute stuff including food stores and clothing stores, so if you are visiting it might be a nice spot to grab a lunch and browse up and down.
Go to kiehl’s & pick up some amazing body-care something! I love their midnight recovery night oil & it’s so soothing – during such a physically & emotionally excruciating time for your friend, maybe a little body care would be lovely? Also seconding murray’s, & also Brooklyn roasting company for coffee if she’s a coffee fan. I can’t imagine how terrible your friend must be feeling. Lots of love for you as a good friend & her grief.
Congratulations, Bartender! Will you rub a brandy-soaked fingertip on your wee one’s gums to help with teething?
Is anyone else getting strange, spammy-looking IntenseDebate “followers” all of a sudden? What purpose can that serve? I has confuse.
I also has cold, but the day before it turned into an ear infection and got more serious I suspect I may have ordered that heated laundry drying rack online. Is there a special legal defense for #yolo shopping while completely out of it?
I’m sorry about your ear infection. Are you getting adequate medical care? ::Toasthugs::
Appreciated! And after years upon years of antibiotics, I’m good at riding out ear things now. Out of pain and waiting for things to clear up, no biggie.
Next week at this time I will be embarking on the first day of a five-day vacation in which I plan to make some dents in the tusndoku and the Netflix queue, take many relaxing baths, and eat large quantities of delicious takeout. I’ve already bought a new bathrobe and a pile of face masks and fancy nail polish; what else should I be stocking up on to Treat Myself? (Food and wine recommendations especially appreciated.)
I like Torrontes. It’s usually $10. Doesn’t taste like pinot grigio or chardonnay, it tastes like flowers. Chill it well and sip it while you’re taking your nice hot baths. Have fun!
Get a nice bottle of port and pour yourself a little glass after dessert at night you will feel decadent to be sure.
Sparkly light vinho verde, it’s cheap, light and delicious and pairs well with takeout from many lands. In reds, lambrusco.
I had a moment at work this week where everything was going wrong and I sincerely hoped that someone would fire me so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. This was not helped by the lowest SAD-induced mood I’ve had all winter. I’ve been surviving on “just get one thing accomplished”, but with so many things on my plate, I’m feeling guilty about doing Just One Thing and not All The Things.
Also we’re going on a mini-vacation with my FIL, and FIL’s girlfriend this weekend. While they’re lovely people, my current mood is not going to make this a relaxing getaway for me. Blargh.
Blerg. It’s that time of year, isn’t it?
Something I do with friends when I feel like this is, before an outing, let them know that I’ll be bringing along a book (or whatever). So, if I am feeling overwhelmed, I might find a place to be on my own and read. If I need that alone time, I’m not angry with anyone and I’m fine. I just am feeling the need to be alone because I don’t want my mood to ruin everyone else’s good time.
Having that “escape clause” usually de-stresses me, and I almost never need it once I’ve come up with that plan. But if I do, people generally understand that my need to be alone for a while isn’t a reflection on them.
That… is pretty brilliant, actually.
I have no advice, unfortunately, but I have been there and here are all the hugs. *hugs*
who has suggestions about where to buy caftans/house-robes? trying to up my home style/comfort game…
If you are willing to go spendy, Rachel Pally caftans — (check 6pm.com for good sales). If not, try the etsy shop silkandmore.
I am currently planning on sewing my own silken robe for the spring! I have some samples coming – thinking a nice cotton-silk voile- sheer and very perfect for spring/ summer brunch on the porch.
i’m wearing one right now! i went to the palm springs ace hotel and they give you these nice caftans in the rooms, and they also sell them. i kinda prefer the over-washed ones they have at the hotel, but i guess mine is only 300 washes away from that. ha.
The best robe I have ever worn in my entire life was one of these Silverado home robes. You can’t buy them online, you have to call them. I wore it at a hotel and it was the greatest thing ever. I haven’t found the courage to call them and buy one, because I suspect it’s very expensive, but I want one very, very badly.
I bought this beauty after seeing it on the Friday Bargain Bin a few weeks back and I LOVE IT. It’s comfy and pretty and the sizing is pretty great – it goes by both letter size (S, M, L, XL, XXL, etc) and by height so unlike every other caftan/muumuu I’ve ever bought it’s actually the right length for my short legs.
Other good sources are, no joke, J. Peterman and the Vermont Country Store. These are more for your “traditional” muumuus.
Anthro clearance rack or Nordstrom rack!
This is not directly helpful, but I heartily second the value of house caftans. I now live in India, and they are readily available here, and utterly delightful in all ways. I will never go back (even when I go back… to the U.S.).
I think they speak to my desire to be aggressively disembodied, in other words, a brain in a vat. Also comfortable in hot, humid summers.
Great thread! I have the hardest time finding comfy robes that aren’t too hot for Texas summer.
If you want an inexpensive option ~$25, World Market has some cute ones that are very lightweight (for hot NC summer!)
http://www.worldmarket.com/category/jewelry-cloth…
I bought my mom a Novice robe last year and she loaned it to me when I visited once and it had a very pleasing weight- felt both heavy and light at the same time? http://clothing.novica.com/womens/robes/batik/
Knitting weekend! Woo! http://netafiberforum.blogspot.com/
I’m going to sit in the lobby of a hotel, have a drink and knit my mind out.
Oh, that sounds lovely! What are you working on?
The lace weight yarn I’m using to knit a shawl somehow became tangled while still inside the center-wound ball? As in, it keeps pulling out in 5-yard knots instead of a single strand, and it’s a bear to untangle because it’s not particularly strong and it has a (lovely!) fluffy halo. So my relaxing knitting time has morphed into unhappy detangling time. I am not pleased.
Tangles are the worst.
I’m doing a tonal short row shawl. It’s just garter so I can work on it while distracted.
That sounds lovely!
My life has really kicked it up a notch in busyness since moving. I met and had a successful (wink wink) Tinder date on Sunday. Then on Tuesday at free sangria ladies night I met a friend of a friend who was super into me. We’re meeting for a quick drink soon. Then today I had a relationship talk on Skype with my non-boyfriend, because we’ve never really had one in a year and a half and I just wanted to confirm that a) we are still nonexclusive and b) even though we’re not in a serious relationship, I’m not playing second fiddle to someone I don’t know about. I didn’t think I was, but I’ve learned you should probably never assume things when it comes to relationships. So I feel much lighter now having talked about it.
And at 6:15 am tomorrow I’m off to Berlin to apply for my visa. Hopefully I can just sleep the whole way there.
I thought you were in Prague? Why do you have to go to Berlin for the visa?
I am. You have to apply for the visa at a Czech embassy, and there aren’t any Czech embassies in the Czech Republic because countries don’t need their own embassies inside the country. Sounds weird at first, but makes sense when you think about it.
Makes sense, yeah. I hope you could rest on the journey and everything goes well! And on the way back, if you don’t want to sleep, you can admire the Elbsandsteingebirge (I assume you’re going via Dresden).
Psst, hey, would you mind talking about how to have such a conversation about playing second fiddle? Is that about laying out expectations of time, or priorities, or something? I’d love to know more if you’re willing to talk about it.
I wish I could offer better advice, but I’m not sure how helpful I can be. We’re long distance, so time doesn’t really come into it. We’re also both not looking for anything serious (and he’s intentionally avoiding it) so the chances of him finding someone who I’d potentially come second to are pretty small. The only reason we ended up together(ish) for so long is that we both knew I was moving in a few months when we met and figured it would end then. Good luck with the talk if you have it though!
Ok, thank you!
Toasties, I’m going to a ball tonight!
I’m wearing a fancy dress that’s too tight, because I bought it in my first year at university when I actually LOST the fresher’s 15 due to stress and poor competence at adulting.
I spend a long time fiddling with my irritatingly mid-length hair, and I’m actually quite pleased with the result.
An… almost-friend? (There should be a word for someone you’re not friends with yet, but would like to be) is coming round to get ready with me. I have tidied up (I have covered all the piles of mess with blankets, and intend to pass them off as avant-garde furniture.)
I’m exciiiiiiiiiited!
Oooh! Another member of the Freshman Negative 15 club! No car (i.e. no fast food) + major emotional issues really worked some “wonders”. (I mean, the lack of fast food was healthy enough, but not eating for entire days NOT SO MUCH)
(I’m now 8 years out of college, 50some pounds heavier, and by all accounts much healthier. Woo!)
OOH, that reminds me, did we hear back from the other Toastie who attended a ball? Or was that you? Amazing! Be devastating!
Not me, but I am at the ball now. Just had dinner. I’m having a great time, I look great
(Guys, there’s so much free wine here)
Yayyy for having a great time and yay for free wine! What color is your dresssss? /nosy
mostly kind of a bluey green, but also with leopard print?? but in a classy way
sounds dishy! A+
Please indulge me in a work-related vent. (I’ll limit myself to just one complaint.)
I work for local government, so we’re still a bit ‘old-school’ in some ways, including our leave process, which involves filling out a paper slip any time you take leave. If you’re out unexpectedly, obviously you need to complete a slip when you return. I have two coworkers I need to HOUND for their slips every time. This morning I had to hand a blank slip to one and stand over him (of course they’re both men) while he filled it out so I could have it to complete payroll.
This is such a tiny thing but it enrages me because a) it makes me feel like a grade-school teacher making sure you don’t misbehave and b) I know that every time they’re hoping that I ‘forget’ and they get free leave.
Anyway, people are the worst, the winter blahs have hit me hard, and I’m drinking a lot of wine this weekend.
It’s always the tiny things. I have a similar task at work. I try to detach completely from those kinds of tasks because in the grand scheme of things they are completely meaningless. In my mind I replace the nouns and adjectives with nonsense words. “Hey Joe, I need you to squash out your hydrax form. Thanks.” I will expend no emotional capital on these silly tasks, but I’ll do them, because I’d be doing something regardless.
I have my first period post-IUD! details in the reply.
So it started about three days earlier than expected, and I’m not sure if that’s because of the IUD (Paragard, so non-hormonal) or just my body being dumb. It’s also been really heavy! But that was expected. However. However. I have had no cramps. ZERO. The first two days of my period have always been accompanied by uterine agony basically as long as I’ve been menstruating. So if a long and/or heavy period also means NO CRAMPS then I am 100% okay with it.
Oh wow, that’s really interesting! Normally I hear that Paragard makes cramps worse. It’s so cool how different bodies react to the same birth control.
That’s what I hear too! I’m really surprised by it, but definitely not complaining.
Hey guys, are you tired of your music? Wish listening to songs was part of an addictive game involving quests and reputation points that helps you get out of your comfort zone? Need some music playing in the background while you do stuff? Sign up for the sixtyone! There is, as always, a toast group.
join us
Could you explain what this is for the uninitiated? I am generally down for anything music related.
I’m not entirely sure! I think artists sign up to put their music on there, and there are a ton of different ways to randomly browse the music; by genre, a sort of “mood” tag, related songs to songs you like, other listener’s “radios” which are composed of songs they like, etc. You get assigned quests, like “listen for five minutes to songs in three different moods” or “listen to three peoples’ radios long enough for them to get a bump.” You don’t have to complete the quests, but doing so gets you more perks, like being able to gives songs you like “hearts.”
Honestly, I’ve haven’t worked it all out yet. The quests will help guide you through all the different bits of the site. Join and see if it’s something you like!
And I do as many of the quests as I can because I’m a completionist like that…
Any advice on being on the radio? I’m going to be on NPR to talk about the end of Downton Abbey, which is exciting but terrifying!
how exciting!! speak slowly and clearly is obvious advice, but I listen to NPR every morning in the car, and sometimes they get these people on who talk fast, use vocal fry, AND are speaking via phone so I can’t understand a damn thing they are saying.
Be conversational, don’t read aloud and don’t use monotone. Just talk to the host like you’d talk to anyone else, I think – like remember at the end of The King’s Speech where Mr. Speech Therapist says “just give your speech to me and nobody else”? That seems like good advice.
I loved that movie & will definitely hold onto this image
Sit up as straight as possible while talking. Not sure if it’s a mental or physical thing, but it helps your voice for sure.
Remember to breathe, and remember that the person you’re talking to is really, really good at listening (it’s their job!), so you can totally relax and tell them about the thing.
Breathe. And maybe channel Lauren Bacall a little? Not try to do a really deep voice but she spoke slowly and on purpose. It seems silly to say “try to talk a little sexy” but it seems most women instinctively slow down and breathe better when they do the “sexy voice.”
That is so cool! Drink a lot of water, because dry mouth noise is icky on air, like the sound of eating bananas with your mouth open. Also don’t eat a banana with your mouth open while you talk.
Omg, congrats Bartender!!! Rest well!!!!!
I just wanted to extend my thanks again to everyone who offered suggestions and advice for my sweet sick pibble, Lorelei. She’s on a food trial to test her for potential food allergies for her itchies, and we begin behavioral training this week for the other stuff. Mad love to Love-a-Bull, the advocacy org in my city that provides free resources and training to bully breeds. <3
Lorelei says thank you and she loves you, Toasties
A cute gif of my dog that I can’t figure out how to embed properly today
SUCH a cutie.
WHO lives in Vermont, Massachusettes, South Carolina, New Jersey, or Asheville and wants to sing its praises? Who is moving at all??
I’m planning a move because I am kind of over Knoxville and I just wanna hear about places adjacent to (less than 6 hours from) the sea that are good to live. The places I listed were places I visited and loved. Please share, I would love to hear from residents of wonderful towns and cities!
I don’t live in any of those places but I have a fantasy of moving to Asheville someday so I would also like somebody to validate my idea that it would be a wonderful place to live!
Have you ever been to Black Mountain, a small town adjacent to Asheville? It’s where I want to RETIRE. It’s surrounded in mountains and there are wild apple trees and some kind of rock that has shiny pearlescent chips that flake off in the dirt and hardly any chains and it is like. Wow. WOW.
I adore Black Mountain! And Montreat, it’s even tinier neighbor. I grew up going there every summer and it has a very special place in my heart.
I adore Ashville, Black Mountain, and Montreat! We used to visit them all when I was a child, I dream of living in that area.
I don’t live in Asheville but I visited a lot. It has great vegetarian and Southern food restaurants and a good music scene if you are into bluegrass/singer-songwriter stuff. The last time I was there was a few years ago, but I also recall small but thriving LGBT and hippie communities, encouragement of the arts, and at least once good bookstore and record store. It was kind of like a mini-Austin.
Where in Mass are you looking to go? May I interest you in New Hampshire as well?
Um YES. In Massachusettes I stayed at Deerfield and I was taken by the beauty and the mountains and the snow and the recycling and smell of the air. Interest me in anything please!
I don’t know much about Western Mass, but if you’re coming from Knoxville and looking into Asheville, then the Pioneer Valley might be pretty much perfect for you? Northampton, Amherst and the surrounding towns have the culture/attractions of the nearby colleges with the proximity to mountains/greenspace/beaches you’re looking for. I grew up in central MA, which is within commuting distance to Boston but still far enough away it feels like its own distinctive space.
I currently live in the Portsmouth area of NH and adore it, and Nashua and Concord are also pretty great. But New Hampshire is also very rural, so economic opportunities are limited once you get out of the Greater Boston sprawl.
I grew up in Jersey and love it dearly for a multitude of reasons, but I’ve lived in Boston for almost 6 years and HIGHLY recommend this area. If the sea is your main draw, the commuter rail goes through a bunch of coastal towns on the north shore, including Salem, or there are a couple of beaches off the T (which I can’t speak to as I’ve never been to them – I love Good Harbor in Gloucester that much).
I don’t know what your other criteria are for living environments, but feel free to ask me more specific questions about either NJ or Boston/MA!
So I’ve been watching Chris Fleming and I was inclined to believe that Boston was… awful… so thank you for saying otherwise!
I just need somewhere for a college grad to work and possibly have a yard and I’ll figure the rest out :3 Smell some non polluted air. Live in a blue state. Have outside cats. Farmer’s market? Recycling?
Boston is VERY NOT AWFUL. I mean there’s plenty to gripe about, obviously, but that’s true of all places.
There are farmers’ markets pretty much all over the place in Boston/Cambridge from about May through October, AND weekly recycling, so you can check those off your list. 😀 There are definitely places to rent in the Greater Boston Area that have yards (I have one!). I wouldn’t recommend outside cats, but I’m also not a pet owner, so you might need to ask someone else about that.
Sounds so good! Thank you!!
I live very near to Asheville right now and it is the best! So chill, so fun, so artsy. I can vouch for the good bookstore, a great chocolate shop, awesome beer, and plentiful food options. Plus I have a soft spot in my heart for bizarre conversations, and any place I can sit in a bar and find myself talking to somebody who begins a story with “So about 5 years ago when I was living in my car,” and go on to talk about volunteering for forestry orgs and his career transition from forestry to learning to heal using crystals, I’m sold.
I love Asheville, though I’ve only visited, not lived there. When the Portlandia tour came to NC, Fred and Carrie said Asheville was the most Portlandia place in the state, which is kind of adorable. (Or maybe it was on the whole east coast. Or the whole world, I forget.)
I live in VT (though I travel a lot for work and don’t seem to be there as often as I’d like…) and I love it there so much! It’s definitely a specific sort of place and there are things to make peace with – the cold, the whiteness, rural living, crystals, etc. – but it’s chockfull of space to build strange Witch Cabins in the Woods, which is apparently what I want out of life?
I’m also a big fan of the smaller towns that are slightly off the ‘coolness’ map, partly because as an incomer I like being places where locals are like “so great, you’re here! New people, yay!” and not like “ohhh, you should have been here 5 years ago before people like you made it suck”.
I’ve moved about a million times in my life and worked very hard to settle in VT. That’s not because it’s the best place I’ve been, but because I’m pretty sure it’s the best place for me. Being there feels like being with my oldest-friends-who-are-now-family. They’re not perfect, I’m not perfect, but my love for them is.
Take some time, travel around, and find some place that feels like home!
I live in Salem, MA at the moment, and have lived in Somerville, MA as well! They are both wonderful places! The North Shore of MA is particularly great because it’s got some quaint-as-hell towns, tons of history, cheaper rents, and a train that you can take into Boston for your commute. I like Salem a lot, but Somerville was THE BEST because it’s a young hip town (in the later stages of gentrification, which is decidedly NOT THE BEST) with all sorts of cool shops/restaurants/houses/dog parks/normal parks/events. The rent is pretty high there, though, since you’re right next to Cambridge. Let me know if you have any specific questions!
Not me! I went to undergrad in MA, and I liked a lot of things there. The winter is a bitch though.
Asheville is my pretend fantasy destination that my best friend and I are moving to in the alternate reality where we can both be that far from our families. I have never been but hearing how much she loves it convinces me.
Asheville is great but housing is getting very expensive very fast, because it is “very hot” apparently.
Asheville’s so hot right now, it’s actually affecting property prices elsewhere. Commercial property in my hometown (~70 miles away from Asheville in TN) started really picking up in price a few years ago because developers were betting on it being the next Asheville… after, presumably, being priced out of the actual city.
Not at all surprised to hear about housing prices, but a little sad. I’ve been eyeing Asheville for years as a place to move.
Vermont is the best place on earth: There are still drive-ins. Everyone swims constantly in the summer. The food is incredible (even if, like me, you’re vegan but probably especially if you’re not). The people are smart and thoughtful. Beer! So much of it. The snow – super pretty pretty.
Drawback: it is impossible to find a mate there – there are families and college kids but not a lot of people who aren’t settled down. Don’t even try it if you’re queer (which is awful because Vermonters are so chill with queer people, but because basically no one lives there, you’re going to know all five homos pretty quick).
Oooh – that’s largely true but I’m there and I’m queer and although there’s only 5 other queer ladies they’re pretty delightful and not all monogamous.
But YES it would be very difficult to find a One and Only in VT.
Whereabouts are you? I’m mostly in Brattleboro/Bellows Falls area.
You make it sound so good! So good so good. Maybe everyone gets married so quickly because they are at peace in their hearts living in such a great place. So swimming, not too cold up there?? Yay! where do you swim?
I’ll bring my slutty queer boyfriend and sex it up!
I have recently moved to Boston. It is pleasant and weird and hard to get around nothing is near the other thing you want to go to and super expensive. I do not know how this compares to Knoxville.
I like it. It takes some getting used to, though.
I’m in capitol city, SC, and would be happy to share my experience.
I love it here, but there are upsides and downsides. The worst things are that local politics are…very much what you might expect from the news. There are, however, tons of progressive people working on that, but we’re still in SC. My folks live near Knoxville, and so I imagine you’ve probably experienced similar.
Cola is a good college town on it’s way to being a great one. New arts groups popping up, slowly getting interesting restaurants, growing local music. And Atlanta, the beach, the mountains are all close by.
The Greenville/Spartanburg area is also growing quickly into a fun, quirky area.
I personally love to visit Charleston, but could not live there; there’s a lot of old wealth and class grossness that I experienced when I did, but that’s just an anecdote worth the paper I wrote it on. 😉
My husband came back from five weeks away a week and a bit ago and I was so excited to have him back!
Then he discovered he has to leave again on the 7th for six or seven weeks. I have to come up with something else to entertain myself, I kind of ran through all my plans in the past month. At least it might finally warm up so I can go for 3-hour hikes with audiobooks???
Come visit Toronto! If you can come on March 20, the local(ish) HFC is having a museum day and you should join us!
Congratulations to the bartender!! Hooray!
This wasn’t a good week, but my friends are having a hard-earned, long-awaited baby RIGHT. NOW. and I’m so excited for them. Please send goodwill out into the universe, if you can.
Also! Headed to New Orleans at the end of next week. Do you have any recommendations?
On NOLA: Eat some crawfish, it’s the season! Definitely see some music – Rebirth has a residency at the Maple Leaf Bar on Tuesdays – you can grab dinner at Boucherie nearby beforehand. I literally can go on and on and on.
What neighborhood are you staying in and what type of things do you like doing? I definitely recommend wandering around the Garden District/Magazine St for shopping and and cocktails, same with the French Quarter. The WW2 museum is incredible. City Park has a free sculpture garden that’s really neat next to NOMA (which is like 12 bucks now I think?) I can give you more specific restaurant recommendations if you tell me what you’re interested in!
I’ve heard good things about the Garden District! I’m there for a wedding and staying in the French Quarter. Any recommendations for lunch, drinks, museums, walking around would be tremendous. Thank you!
Thanks to every one who commiserated and wished me a happy birthday last week! It wasn’t so bad in the end, went for drinks and Deadpool with some London Toasts and then my housemate made a big deal on tuesday (there were balloons when I woke up. and surprise cake.), plus Ikea was great 😀
Fantastic. I’m so happy for you that it worked out to be a good combination of social and Ikea and cake.
any fitbit wearers want to do a group challenge? i just did one with some friends and it made me do a lot more stepping. i’m in the bit-o-toast group, but thought i’d introduce it here to see if anyone was up for something like a work week hustle or similar.
I think I’d be up for it. I haven’t done any of the challenges before.
it looks like the challenge creator can only invite friends. if you want to be friends, my username is heatherparlato.
Me too!
it looks like the challenge creator can only invite friends. if you want to be friends, my username is heatherparlato.
I had a really bad start to my week (depression!sleep for most of Sunday, and quietly weeping in my cubical at work most of Monday and Tuesday), but my partners were all the perfect supports. They did so well at telling me that I’m still a worthwhile person and that they loved me while not invalidating my feelings or telling me that I should just stop being sad. They also provided great snuggles and silly distractions when they were needed.
After struggling through a similar episode last summer pretty much alone save a couple of emergency therapist sessions, I’m amazed at how much of a difference reaching out to people this time helped.
GOOD JOB! Reaching out to people during depression is so scary and hard. Kudos to your partners for helping you through it. But also, big kudos to you for telling them you needed help and giving them the opportunity to help you through it.
You are so damn brave.
Thank you so very much for saying that. I teared up a bit reading it (in the best possible way!).
So glad you had good support and comfort <3 I hope you feel a little lighter very soon. (And a million dittos to the above comment.)
Thank you <3
Oh Toasties. In about 4 hours, I see my new trans-friendly primary care physician and I am flipping my wig a little. I worry that I’m Not Trans Enough somehow because I’m not binary and don’t feel like demanding testosterone NOW because of hair loss/voice changes/I am 6 feet tall with higher base T from PCOS and already pass for a man with clothes on. I just… Really need her help finding a gyn who won’t gender the crap out of me and I need her to be a PCP who won’t sexualize and gender my body and shame me for not shaving my body hair. I would like to stop having constant pain from probably-endometriosis and feel safe. 🙁
My husband is going with me, and after we’re getting delicious food and going to the Chinese grocer and ordering me a binder from GC2B to try out, because we are not beyond bribing my ass through doctor visits. But it’s so nervewracking.
I am crossing my fingers for you that the visit goes well! Toastie <3 to you.
Though I am a binary trans lady, I have seen GC2B binders in action and I would say they are the best. You are making a good choice!
I hope your doctor appointment goes well – good luck! *internet hugs*
I hope it went well, and that you have a new ally to help with healthcare stuff.
Congratulations to the Bartender!
We had a crazy week filled with stomach flu and our housemate’s mom (who is awesome) is showing up in just a few hours and there is a kid birthday party tomorrow which I have not yet bought any gifts for! And yet… it was a really great week, we wrote four penpal letters and practised figure drawing and listened to a ton of music and organised most of our stationery and art supplies. The instagram penpal community continues to receive much of our love but if any Toasties would like a postcard or to start exchanging letters, we & our twenty years of hoarded stationery are ready for you. 🙂
Liberal guilt thread?
I am one of those people who has said that if Trump or Cruz wins, I am leaving the USA. I mean this with sincerity. I’m an adult. I have the means. I don’t have any strong ties that wouldn’t be just as strong if I were in Canada or Europe or wherever.
But then I think about what it actually means to leave. What it means if lots of people like me leave. It means that people who don’t have the means to decamp will find themselves trapped in a country that is openly hostile to them, with fewer people around to vote to keep any kind of social safety net in place.
Basically, that if enough people like me leave, there will be no turning it around—the progressive voices will be in the minority.
And then I also think that probably I am giving too much importance to my household’s two liberal votes and probably not that many people would actually emigrate and I should just go if I want to go and stop being so dramatic about everything.
You can still vote if you emigrate! That’s my only silver lining. Although, thanks to the magic of technology, I think it’s also possible to be involved in other ways, I just haven’t explored all of them yet. Still, I get the guilt sometimes. I think it’s important for politicians to get that policies will create environments that attract or repel people, but it is a huge privilege to be able to choose our locations based on personal preference. How to balance it out? I dunno.
I spent a year teaching English aboard and was all set to do that again for the duration of a Trump/Cruz term (can still vote absentee, can come back at just about anytime, making money and have a visa!) but then I think about the trouble I’d have to go through to bring three cats (two who are seniors) with me and it just doesn’t seem all that feasible.
I’m still trying to find a job in the Toronto area though, which has a ton to do with the Toronto area having a lot of cool places I wouldn’t mind working regardless of who is president.
My philosophy is that I’m a college-educated white person, and as a result I can live pretty much anywhere and still enjoy a bearable quality of life. Stupid and harmful laws are very rarely directed at me, and I can afford to live in the “nice part” of most cities or states. So I feel like I have some civic responsibility to stick around and give a shit when things are going downhill. I live in DC right now where I don’t have much electoral power, but there’s part of me that wants to move to like, Lawrence Kansas and spend all my free time volunteering and hassling elected officials.
I wish I were brave enough (and thick-skinned enough) to become that kind of person.
Alas, I am fairly spineless, so disengagement is the the blunt tool of my dissent.
I do go back and forth about it. I used to live in a place where I felt this kind of responsibility but after a while I got fed up and when I found a job in a different state I didn’t feel any hesitation about leaving.
Fast forward a few years and any time I hear about… basically any news that comes out of Missouri, I have this intense pang of guilt and wonder if I should move back. (Admittedly this also stems from the fact that my rent would be VASTLY cheaper if I did).
I feel you here! I sometimes feel guilty for leaving my home state of SC for California.
I am working on engaging more with my conservative family members who still live there on political issues and on being more open about my opinions, most of which are different from theirs. I always hope this helps in a small way, but every time I visit home I get more discouraged at the state of the state in general.
When I moved back home to New York State a few years ago, I joked about keeping my apartment in Cleveland as a pied-à-terre so I could continue to vote in Ohio elections.
Kind of wish I had actually done that now…
Think of the cool communities and networks you could be part of in other parts of the world – maybe places where you could make change, recharge, and grow.
I’ve lived in a great, liberal European city for the last eight years. I’m still an American citizen and wouldn’t give it up for anything (despite the pain in the ass that is filing taxes from abroad, I can still vote). As the token American, I do get called on to represent the US in conversation. Even though I spend my online time on American sites, I don’t feel as well equipped to talk about it as I once did. I wonder if my idea of America is becoming more and more divorced from the reality. When I talk to other expats, I kinda get the same impression. I’m not trying to say anything too philosophical about all countries being ideas or something, just trying to capture what being an expat is like.
That said, despite your fears that we could descend into the twilight of the American Way, there won’t be a mass exodus if the Republicans win. People like to talk a big game (and I respect that, like you, some are willing to go through with it) but uprooting your entire life to move to another country is no small thing. It’s wonderful, but you will not see your family. You will miss funerals, birthdays, new babies, weddings. And the amount of money to pay and bureaucratic hoops to jump through to get that permanent visa is legit crazypants.
Remember, just because they’re loud and they’re assholes doesn’t mean they’re everywhere. And even if they did win, Americans are known for dedication in service of an idea, despite everything. We have so many examples of people who keep on keeping on. Progress does happen, despite evil empires. It’s never the end.
Of my American friends who live in other countries: two are in South Korea on a long-term worker’s visa (like, they’ve both been in Korea for six years at this point) and still vote in US elections. Another recently obtained a citizenship in Europe but kept her American citizenship as well and is (I think) likely to vote in US elections.
I guess what I’m saying is, depending on where you go, you can still vote with an absentee ballot.
Has anyone ever heard of an evil business and it had an evil business name and you’re just like…. if this was fictional, it would be heavy handed. I love these.
Ex: Round-Up (all the independent farmers and put them out of business)
Windows (literally peering into your home)
Cover Girl (cover her, do not let her be seen)
Blackwater (super shady and extremely deadly)
Nutrisystem (sounds…delicious?)
News Corp (has a certain 1984-esque quality)
NutriSYSTEM omg what is that? Is it a diet? DON’T!
News Corp sounds like a bunch of ham faced refrigerator shaped men showed up to start a business and not a single fucking one of them thought to make up a name beforehand.
Kindle (all the real books that are not controlled by amazon into a giant bonfire)
OMG good one.
And good for trees like the aftereffects of bonfire.
Nugenix.
WHAT IS THAT
A testosterone supplement that I always see advertised on sports chanels 🙁 🙁 🙁
I just thought about Nugenix again today I’m like what the fuuuuuck
Not a famous company, but coming home on the train each evening, I pass a store in a strip mall whose hand-written sign says simply “Doctor Medical LLC”. Nothing good happens in there, I’m sure.
Someone on Twitter was talking about a company called “The Final Solution”.
(I don’t remember what they actually did, but it was during a discussion of tone-deaf company names).
Augh! That’s like the couple of white girls whose fashion company was called “Strange Fruit”!
Edit: No, they were A PR FIRM!
Genentech! I’ve always felt it sounded like something out of a comic book.
Remember the big toxic chemical spill in West Virginia a while back? The company behind it was called Freedom Industries, which sounds like the name you would give an evil company in a dystopian comic book or something.
It’s not a global/nationwide company by any means, but the preschool I went to as a kid was called the Center for Childhood Creativity. Everyone just called it The Center, which didn’t really help it sound any less dystopian.
Also, it was run by psych students from the local university, so.
This one is sad because I don’t think they’re evil, just … don’t have a sufficient appreciation of irony and ambiguity: there’s a company that produces audio books that are mostly guided meditations, things about chakras, self-helpy material, and they’re called Sounds True–which to me sounds 100% like an admission that it’s all a pack of crap.
HAH!
Oh FACEBOOK, a book of faces, we store your faces and exercise our facial recognition technology to later trick your loved ones and kill you by shooting you in the face. Uhhh.
Enron.
That feeling when you have to go to sleep even though some one is wrong on the Internet and you wake up to find some one has come along and picked up your arguing for you (and done so correctly).
Hello wise commentariat. I’ve been pondering one of those issues that brings up the “am I an asshole if I do _” question and would like to get some outside perspective.
I bought a 3br house recently with the intention of renting out two rooms. The first one went to a friend pretty much immediately, but the second one I got kind of wishy washy about finding a roommate for because my brother was talking about moving back to town and I wanted him to move into it. He was taking too long to decide, so I upped my search to find a roommate about a month ago and a new roommate moved in last week who so far is just fine.
The day after he moved in, of course, my brother decided 100% he’s moving back. He loves this house as I do and we’ve discussed his maybe buying into as co-owner down the line. We’re close and have successfully been roommates many times before and his moving in would be great for me cause he has fix it skills I lack and co-owner=mortgage getting paid faster, would be great for him cause his best friend lives up the street and we’re in a city with housing prices quickly going up so he’d have to spend more for a comparable house if he saved up and bought different one in a year or so versus going in on mine. In any case, in the long term, this will almost certainly be his house and one of the currently filled rooms will be his.
He can live with his best friend for at least the next 6 months, at which point said friend will be getting married and he and his wife will start wanting the house to themselves. So…question is, is it douchey to ask new roommate to leave within 6 months of moving in?
The lease I had him sign was month to month, so legally it’s no issue, but morally I just feel like it’s kind of shitty – although the alternative is brother going out to sign a new lease somewhere while we’re both just patiently waiting for someone to leave one of the rooms in my house that will ultimately be his, purely for the sake of being polite, which seems kind of silly.
I don’t need to figure out anything now – 6 months is a ways off, but am still curious to hear what others think.
I did not realize that would end up being a novel when I started. I would not blame anyone for ceasing to read before coming to the end.
Do you know what the new roommate’s ultimate plans are? Maybe you’ll get lucky and he was planning on moving on in a few months.
You gotta talk to your new roommate, but yeah, I do think that would be kind of a crappy thing to do. I would generally assume, if I were renting a space, that I wouldn’t have to go through the ordeal of finding a new place six months later. I think you have to tell your brother he has to find a place for a year, and then let the new roommate know that there’s a deadline on the room. Your brother’s equivocating put you in this spot, so it’s fair for him to pay a bit more in rent. That’s the cost of waiting too long.
ETA: Augh, responded in the wrong place. Sorry, The Renleigh.
I know he’s got a stable job nearby, so definitely not planning to move out of town or anything.
I think it sounds OKAY because it is a month to month thing and presumably the new tenant might have chosen that type of rental on purpose. (I’m always inclined to be hideous to people who take too long to decide on something but it sounds like you forgive him.)
Weirdo foot peel check-in
HELLO, I promised someone an update on how the foot peel mask went, and it was: pretty good! I used the Shiny Foot one from TonyMoly, after reading the comments on that Refinery post about the Baby Foot one. Basically, people in the comments said this one worked just as well, and it was cheaper and available via Prime, so. I read all the Amazon Q&A and a few reviews as well, and there was a pretty thorough review from an esthetician whose advice I took. I soaked my feet in hot water for half an hour or so, and then did the mask. The kit comes with two little plastic booties with a fabric(esque) liner, and you put your feet in them and pour the mask liquid in, then tie up the booties and sit for 1-2 hours. I did it on a Tuesday evening and left it for 90 minutes, and my feet started peeling the following Sunday (last Sunday), and now it’s Friday and they seem about done.
Following that esthetician’s advice, I soaked my feet in warm water a few evenings in a row to sort of facilitate the peeling. For the first few days you will probably think you did it wrong (I did!) but then one night you will soak your feet, and then suddenly when you are walking out of the bathroom, you will be like, “Wait, gross, okay it’s all happening.” It was not as SATISFYINGLY DISGUSTING as I had hoped, but I think that is probably because my feet were not in such horrendous condition as they have been in winters past. The skin basically comes off like a sunburn, and last night I finally got tired of those little peeling bits you get with a sunburn, so I took my pedicure file/emery board thing and exfoliated the rest of that shit off after a bath.
My feet seem fine! The new skin is not tender or anything like that, just smoother and softer than the callouses that had built up over the winter. Maybe if I moisturize them appropriately and don’t always go barefoot at home (ha ha, this has never happened, I have never kept up with this kind of self-care), they will still look all nice when sandal weather comes.
I will say that I wish I hadn’t gotten the mask liquid on the tops of my feet, because that is not an area that required peeling. Also, dead skin around your toenails will peel some too, do not be alarmed.
I love love love the peeling. (I am gross.) It is so satisfying. I genuinely enjoyed the peeling around the toes. Ahhhhhh excellence!
I don’t know why I was so surprised, because every time I paint my toenails, I’m like, “Ugh, this dried skin all around my nail beds, oh well what can you do”
Oh, thanks for this! I was just about to post asking about the foot masks – I knew I’d read talk about them, I just couldn’t remember which thread.
Thanks for reporting in! I am also a weirdo who likes gross things, and I was wondering about this. Think I may try it out.
Your username is very apropos here.
Indeed!!
Thanks for this! I used the same peel on Monday and the skin-sloughing JUST started last night. I am weirdly excited for all of my extra skin to come off.
I *just* bought this off amazon a couple days ago and I am so excited.
I literally woke up this morning thinking “wasn’t somebody going to post about their foot peel?” Thanks for reporting back! I bought the same one and just started peeling last night, very satisfied.
Today, instead of working on my paper, or filing financial documents (snoooore) I’m spending a lot of time envisioning my future office/rodent room. A herd of wheeking guinea pigs on the floor, a super swanky multi-level rat cage, and a magical forcefield so that I can have my friends frolicking at my feet but without them chewing on any wires. Realistic, right?
A metal conduit (the kind you can flip open as needed) running around the baseboards to house all the wires?
I want a magical forcefield fishtank on the ceiling.
I got into Smith!!!! They sent me a letter a month early with a handwritten note which just makes Smith more enduring. I find out abut aid in a month. I also had an interview (my last of 12 I believe) for another school I like a lot that went very well.
On top of that I probably had my last snow day of high school yesterday. I walked 2 miles to the library in the snow and felt like Elizabeth Bennet. I spent the day rereading Howl’s Moving Castle and drinking hot chocolate so overall it has been a great week in a couple of months that have been filled with bad ones.
congrats!! do you know what area of campus you want to live on?? or what you’re interested in majoring in? (i’m a current engineering arts major living on green st. who likes it here a lot!)
I don’t know enough about campus to have figured out a house. I’m interested in Government,International Relations,Economics (and the Global Financial Institutions), Biology, and Philosophy (so everything really) with the goal of being a war correspondent or a diplomat or (as this seems to be the course my life is taking right now) getting a phd in philosophy specializing in metaethics.
i choose to understand campus as a gradient from Chance of Night Screams [quad] to Sleepy, but Night-Scream-Free [green street], with everywhere else somewhere in the middle. not the most nuanced approach but also not untrue.
that is basically everything! one of the reasons i chose smith was the absence of mandated general ed classes, and that freedom seems like it would be really useful for you.
I will probably live on Green Street if I go to Smith now as this is the only advice I have thus far received on the matter.
YO METAETHICS <3 and diplomacy
I’m a hs senior with basically the same interests (+ some techy things), so we’re pretty much twins? I think I also commented on another of your college-related posts long long ago
Anyway, congratulations!!!
I remember you! Metaethics is the best and we might be twins especially on the slim chance you do Ethics Bowl, the love of my life.
Congratulations! That’s a lovely way to spend a snow day, too!
ahh congrats!!!! I’m biased re: Smith, but getting into any school is always so exciting!
Congratulations!
Congratulations! I’m another Smith alumna here (Wilson house, art history major, medieval studies minor) and I am biased, but Smith is great.
congratulations!!! what a great feeling.
YASSS!!!
Toasties, I posted this in the LR, but the TrapCovers hashtag on Twitter this morning is wonderful, and it fills me with joy.
My dude and I watched those RAPTLY all morning.
toooooasts! My friends from high school are trying to plan a trip in September for our friendversary and we’re trying to pick a destination for Labor Day weekend, preferably a place we haven’t been before that isn’t on the ocean (since one of my friends has nightmarish sensitive skin that breaks out when exposed to both sand and salt water). Somebody brought up New Orleans, but now we’re a bit worried about labor day weekend, both because of hurricane season and heat/humidity (the term “swamp ass” was used many times).
So my question is: how hot IS IT in New Orleans in early September, and is it possible that a group of wimpy New England girls will be able to handle it? I know everywhere is air conditioned but is it bearable enough to be able to do a touristy long weekend that isn’t totally indoors? I’m also open to suggestions for fun weekend trip destinations that aren’t ocean-centric!
It is really fucking hot. Similar to top worst humid / hot days in DC / midatlantic. It would be ok if you’re night owls and willing to siesta during the hottest part of the day, but you’ll definitely need some downtime or pool access. That said, it is really really cheap that time of year!
Sadly since we would be trying to be tourists I don’t think we could get away with being totally night owls :/ oh well.
Early September in NOLA is very, very, very hot. And even more humid than that.
GOOD GRIEF. Perhaps some reconsidering is in order.
It’s really hot and humid. Also, Labor Day weekend is always Southern Decadence weekend, which is a huge festival for queer men which may either be a draw or a repellent. Basically, the Quarter will be overtaken and there will be a parade and a lot of the hotels will probably be full in the CBD/Quarter.
Oh my, thanks for your help! I’ll run it by the crew but I think at this point the weather is going to be a bigger detriment than any festival 🙂
I went in mid-October for a conference and it was still really warm and sticky, weather-wise. It’s a beautiful place and that ghastly Southern weather is kind of part of the experience if you ever want to visit. Everybody is gross and sweaty and so everyone kind of takes it in stride.
Otherwise, if you want something beautiful but mild/temperate, have you considered visiting the Great Lakes region? Chicago, and you can always drive the coast of Lake Michigan some?
Hmmm. I would also have pause re: swamp ass.
Have you been to SF? September is just about when it’s finally done with the summer-is-winter thing.
SHEIKH SALMAN DIDN’T WIN FIFA PRESIDENT
I mean, not like Gianni Infantino is going to be any different than Blatter or Platini, nothing will change, I’m sure he bought his votes, FIFA is still circling the drain and refusing to accept reality, etc, etc
But still, thank god it wasn’t the guy accused of literally torturing his country’s athletes! yeah FIFA!
So happy!!! Well, as happy as FIFA can make me without a complete overhaul, which of course will never happen. But it could have been so much worse!
I’ve been planning all week to be here on time for cocktail hour and now i’m still late.
Oh well, my question was for the Hamiltoasties- if you have seen the show where did you sit and would you recommend your seats?
I would highly recommend my seats – our seats were B1 and 3, right front Mezz. I would have liked to be center mezz, of course, but those tickets the same as my mortgage payment. We had a clear view of everything on the stage, including the catwalk.
It was amazing.
Upper mezz, right. I had a good view, though I am glad I brought small binoculars for getting facial expressions in some of the more intimate scenes.
Totally forget where my seats were, but they do say that in the Richard Rogers theatre there are no bad seats (thanks to the design, I guess?) so be comforted that you’ll probably be good wherever!
My mom and I sat in the left front Mezz, maybe 5 rows back? and the view was great!
Back orch, all the way house right, I really don’t think there is a bad seat in the house. It is not a large theater.
When I bought my tickets, I pretty much just grabbed the first even vaguely affordable available seats in a panic that if I didn’t act immediately, they would vanish and I’d never get to see Hamilton ever. We wound up with seats in the first row of the front mezz, a bit off to the left (A15 and A17) and I honestly don’t think I could’ve picked better seats–here’s our view of the stage (hopefully you can see the picture): https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CZLyJFcUkAA70v5.jpg
I saw it from the second row in orchestra center, right in the middle of the row, and yes, I do recommend that if you can get it. (I totally lucked out by buying it back in early October.)
From what I saw of the entire theatre, though, I couldn’t tell that there was a bad seat in the place.
Grocery shopping/meal planning? How’s everyone doing? I went over budget on groceries this week (only by $15), because Wegmans only had the giant 4lb bag of black beans (we now have SO MANY BEANS though), and because we had been hitting the coffee pretty hard, so I went ahead and got the giant Trader Joe’s canister of French Roast. It’s more expensive than a smaller bag or can, but it is also cheaper by the pound this way and will last us longer so we’re not always out of coffee.
I’m going away next weekend, so my grocery bill is also up so my spouse can have some convenience foods on hand since I won’t be home to cook and he’s working late a couple nights. Here’s what I have:
Pasta with creamy walnut sauce (using this recipe with regular dried pasta)
Burrito night (refried black beans, scrambled tofu, cilantro-lime rice, peppers and onions), freeze leftovers
Ethyl leaves for taking care of mom, spouse cooks up a batch of Cooks Illustrated Cuban Black Beans and Rice (this recipe makes a TON)
Black bean and rice wraps 2x
MaPo tofu (too spicy for Ethyl!)
Shopping list
Produce:
Garlic ($.75)
Cilantro ($1.99)
Limes ($0.65)
Three green peppers ($2.75)
Spring mix ($3.99)
Pantry
Silken tofu ($4.00)
Dairy
Giant “family pack” block of cheese (32 oz!) $4.89
Cream $1.99
Tortillas $1.99
Sundried tomato wraps $2.99
Spicy bean sauce $3.49
Chili powder $1.99
Old fashioned oats (42 oz) $2.99
Brown rice $0.99
Small can diced tomatoes $0.79
Bulk bins
Handful of walnuts $2.75ish
Frozen
Veggie burgers $3.99
Total on my Wegmans app says around $47, but I think I can do better than that getting some things at TJs and the Korean grocer. How are you doing? Any good cheap recipes to share? Meal plans?
I went over budget because I hadn’t been updating my budget spreadsheet (oops), but I also made a great big batch of curried red lentils last weekend, and they have been the most delightful thing this week. I don’t have a recipe so much as a general guideline –
Cook 2 cups red lentils (rinse, put in enough water to cover, simmer 15-20 minutes until soft)
Sautee an onion; when it’s nice and caramelized, add a clove of garlic, a couple tablespoons of curry powder, some more turmeric and cumin and cayenne pepper, a little salt, and some fresh ginger
When it smells delicious, dump all that in the lentils along with a can of crushed tomatoes
This is delicious on its own or over rice, has all kinds of protein, freezes well, and costs something like a dollar-fifty for six or so servings. It is pretty spicy, though, so I always have some chocolate for dessert; the milk fat helps cut the spiciness, and it’s an excuse to have chocolate.
I have red lentils I’ve been meaning to cook forever (I am not very practiced at cooking) because I love them and you’ve just inspired me to ACTUALLY DO IT soon.
“Giant ‘family pack’ block of cheese”
I am embarrassed to admit how many of these I (a single person) go through on a regular basis
But it’s so much cheaper per pound! And it lasts longer! It’s a good choice, is what I’m saying 🙂
Yes!! All of this! 🙂
(My particular *thing* is the Wegmans pepper jack cheese on Manischewitz egg and onion matzoh. A match made in heaven).
What’s a line you’d put in your uncensored biography? I was thinking about this recently when I realized that one of my claims to fame is that I was portrayed unflatteringly in a moderately successful alt-lit novel by a guy I dated briefly in college.
an ex got a dramatic tattoo in no small part because of our breakup… something that makes me cringe and i feel slightly flattered by?
I threw a half lemon at a notquite ex because he called me bitter. He fell off his chair in shock, I think some juice went in his eye? Nobody saw me throw it so it just kind of flew out of nowhere and then everyone turned around to see me, holding the fruit knife and calmly drinking a g&t (hence the lemon). I still enjoy some lingering notoriety from this very out of character outburst, and all his bro friends are scared of me.
That makes me think of the Kate Nash song Foundations: You said I must eat so many lemons ’cause I am so bitter / I said, “I’d rather be with your friends, mate, ’cause they are much fitter”
I believe that was the reference he was attempting by calling me bitter but since I couldn’t respond with the next line (he’s an asshole, but… still cuter than his friends) I threw the lemon.
There was a two minute delay while I tried to find an appropriate response, then decided full-on pitching was the only way to go…
I feel defensive now but it was SO justified and I have no regrets.
I was once accused of throwing a one-armed girl down a medieval well while on a class trip to France.
(she is fine, currently lives in Omaha, and has a lovely baby daughter, based on what I see on Facebook)
I can’t decide whether I want to hear every single detail or if it’s better just to leave that slightly perfect sentence as is…
I knew a moderately successful author in high school and we made out and he was just a terrible, awful, no good, very bad kisser.
When I was 17 I was asked to audition for a Disney Channel original movie. I went to college instead. Farewell, fame and fortune.
I made it to the open thread finally! I have missed it here so much, but since I moved to the UK in September, I’ve found it difficult to manage the time change to make it here!
Graduate school is incredibly difficult and time consuming, but its been so rewarding. My only big problem is, I have this TERRIBLE ROOMMATE. When I first met her I thought, she’s a bit strange but its probably benign, she’s probably not awful. But truly, she is awful. She is messy, she leaves dishes in the sink for weeks, never buys anything for the house, and, worst of all, she smokes in her room constantly! Since my room is right next to hers, the smell comes in directly and lingers for ages. I’ve asked her three times to stop, and to smoke in the garden, but she will not do it unless its sunny and warm out, which, its England. The last time I texted her to stop smoking inside last week, she responded telling me to stop being “condescending and judgmental”. She then stopped speaking to me, and continues to smoke in her room. Luckily our lease is up at the end of March and we’re all moving out, but I honestly don’t know how I can carry on living here until then. I dread coming home, I dread making dinner in the kitchen for fear of seeing her, I can’t even hang out peacefully in my room because it constantly smells of cigarettes and weed. It’s draining me of so much energy and making me feel depressed. Does anyone have any tips or tricks for coping with living in a toxic environment?
Oh shit, that’s horrible, and may your roommate come down with a plague of boils (not like fatal boils, but nasty karmic boils).
Get a big calendar, or some way to visualise the time remaining, and stick it somewhere you can cross off dates. Have a ‘support team’ i.e. people you can vent to, whether IRL or online.
Find space –
See if you can get a cheapo gym membership, get familiar with your local library (I mean you’re a Toastie so this is prob a moot point), look at community centres/gallery spaces, find out what common spaces your place of study has, AND also find out their mental health services – this is a legit reason (not that you need one) to talk to a counsellor. Find a cafe that calms you down.
Make the space you have (your room) as inviting as possible – candles, scent, scarf over the lamp, star stickers, whatever. Tell yourself every morning/night that it’s one more day until you’re out.
Peace & love. It’s a horrid sitch, but you’ll ride it out
Can you check the terms of your lease/housing agreement/whatever to see if she’s actually violating them? IDK about the UK, but in the States it’s very common to have a no-smoking indoors policy. You could maybe get her kicked out, or make her pay back your part of the security deposit that you’ll lose when they have to clean her room to get the smoke smell out.
In my experience in the UK, it’s very common for rented places to forbid smoking indoors. I would definitely check this.
That sucks! Definitely check your rental agreement. As well as what the others have said, maybe start looking now? Plenty of people look for flatmates at least a few weeks before rooms are free and it feels good to make steps towards leaving even if you cant do it yet.
Hello! My baby (22 months) pooped in the potty on Wednesday! Evidently it scared her though, and she has not wanted anything to do with said potty since. We were not training so much as getting to know the potty, but now I am afraid everything is ruined and she’ll take after her cousin who still won’t poop in the potty at age four. Tell me your tails of potties please.
I have no advice but I am 35 weeks pregnant with my first and this is striking terror into my heart. How have we not evolved to shit like bunnies in tidy little pellets?
Congratulations! Even a bunny pellet has to go somewhere though. Preferably not on the carpet. (Or on my lap! Someone, I won’t say who, peed on my lap this morning after saying she did not want to sit on the potty.)
I do hate to burst your bubble, but bunnies only poop little pellets the second time. They do indeed eat everything twice, and the first time it comes out it’s quite soft and squidgy. If nothing else, think of the horror of trying to train a toddler to do that! It helps me reduce my terror of hypothetical potty training just a bit.
MAKE IT EVEN MORE HORRIBLE BY REALIZE YOU HAVE TO TRAIN A TODDLER *NOT* TO DO THAT
It all depends on the toddler. 🙂
I don’t have any helpful advice, but I can commiserate! We had a hard time getting our son to go in the potty, and after trying everything we eventually made him clean up after himself if he made a mess, and shortly after he stopped making so many messes (he was 3).
Our daughter was a lot easier, we told her that if she wants to go to preschool she has use the potty, and she figured it out in like a week (she was 2).
So I guess my advice to you is to bribe your kid with preschool and friendships
I am all for bribery! She will be staying in the same school though, which I don’t think has any rules about when to potty train (I mean, probably eventually, but no time soon…) She does see other kids use the open-concept school potty all the time though, which I had hoped would be helpful. I also offered to let her watch Elmo this morning if she sat on the potty, but still she declined. Ah well.
No helpful advice, but I lived with my nephew during this time, and he hated pooping and pooping in the potty definitely freaked him out at first. He got over it and was a regular potty user within a few months, if I recall correctly!
We tried to make it a really positive experience (he could play on his kindle [spoiled baby] or read his potty book whenever he sat down, and for a while he got candy if he made a poop on the potty). Kids are a pain, but bribery works wonders.
Will have to break out the M&Ms I guess. We already keep the potty book by the potty, and not even Elmo convinced her to sit on it today…
Oh no! Poor thing was really scared. Maybe a day or two break before trying again, so they don’t feel forced and don’t start getting resistant just because?
I’m trying (very lazily) to potty train my son now. He will tell us he needs to poop if nothing else interesting is happening, but sees no reason to interrupt playtime to do it. Like, why stop playing racecars to poop? That’s why we have diapers, right? He likes it that he gets an M&M but he does not tell us when he wants to poop any more often since we started offering them.
He also does not see any reason why he should stop playing to eat. I think this is just the stage he is in. We continue to discuss it daily and I feel like one day he will just decide that it’s time.
One of my friends recently said it helped her to make a big deal about it every time ANYONE in the house pooped in the potty–like clapping and M&Ms for the pooper. IDK, maybe give her some time away personally but let her see that other people poop all the time and they are safe and even celebrated.
Man I do not get enough rewards for pooping in the potty!
In my experience, peer pressure is the magic ingredient that leads to successful toilet training (e.g., if the other kids at nursery school are doing it).
I have no great advice, but just know that eventually she will get it. One of my relatives said this to me, when I was worried about my daughter, “She’s not going to get to high school still using diapers; it will work out.”
Peer pressure helps but also they eventually reach a point where they want to stop wearing their diapers. Every kid hits that point at a different age; pay no attention to anyone bragging about how early their offspring did this.
Also is there anything that you can do to make the potty more comfortable? I look after a 25month old who’s potty training and she’s far more willing to go if she’s got a fluffy wrap thing (think like a toilet seat cover, but for her potty) on the rim of the potty. Also easing her out of nappies might help? This one doesn’t wear nappies inside the house except when she’s asleep, so she has to say she needs the potty if she wants to pee or poop ><
Gahhhh, so late to the thread already! And after tweeting about how ready I am for it, too.
Okay, Toasties. My novel is in front of a publisher and they are meeting about whether they want it and I have a secret spy feeding me information and I have no idea which way this is going to go. I am terrified and excited and feeling like this is NOT AT ALL my life. I have imposter syndrome super bad right now and all my friends are excited and the most I can muster is a kind of hopeful numbness. Does this hit anybody else? I feel like I should be so thrilled but it’s like watching a movie of this happening to somebody else that I just can’t connect to.
Crossing my fingers for you!! No personal experience with this in particular, but I am feeling similar about my degree since I don’t actually have the paper yet. People keep asking me if I’m excited and I think maybe I will be when I actually believe that I’m done? And also am not freaking out about moving across the country and trying to get my first non-school-related-non-restaurant job in eight years?
This hits us with almost all kinds of anticipation, until we know the outcome and then all the emotions come.
Fingers crossed for you!
This is so exciting, congrats!!!!! You must tell us when it is published!
That’s spectacular – way to go! I know publishers are suuuuuper picky these days (unless your novel is secretly a coloring book, perhaps) so being considered is thrilling.
I posted below, but my 5th book (4 self-pub, 1 with a small press) is out on Monday, and I’m finally just about over my imposter syndrome. It’s hard to conceive of a dream translating to reality, no matter how much work you’ve put into achieving it. But you deserve this – I hope the numbness dissipates so you can have fun with the process! And best wishes for the publisher making the right decision.
At some point I may want to pick your brains about self-pub at some point – I am starting to do freelance editing and I have a client who intends to self-pub and I’d love to know a bit more about the process. I really love his work and want him to really enjoy the experience, and I’d love to be able to give him some friendly advice/perspective but it’s not a path I’ve gone down, you know?
Also, man, I seriously wish I was artistic enough to jump on this colouring book bandwagon. (If only because then my colouring habit would be much cheaper!)
Anytime! I belong to a couple of self-pub groups, and just watching their conversations is instructive, on top of what I’ve learned from my own books.
Either of you can write me: mel @ melaniegreene.com (the same domain will show you the covers, and link to the books if you want to get a preview to see if I’m worthy of giving advice!) and I’ll do what I can to answer questions. There’s no sure-fire formula, but there are definitely things than can help – and things to avoid like the cyberplague.
(Back in 3rd grade I used to draw pictures for my friends to color in. Then in 5th grade I discovered writing and abandoned sketching. The more fool me, it seems! I still love to color, but can’t draw with any reliable skill.)
No experience with publishing, but imposter syndrome seems to be the worst for me around impending/recent achievements — which makes celebrating them difficult, which creates guilt bc goshdarnit, why can’t I just count my blessings? But if your novel’s being considered, you deserve it. It wouldn’t have made it to this stage if it wasn’t wonderful!
Co-habitation Update
Partner and Teenager and I have survived the first month of living together. There have been a few bumps, but overall I think everyone is happier in one house than we were separately!
Biggest surprise so far: the extent to which Partner is happily transforming the unfinished basement into “his” space.
This may be weirder than usual because I have a really really bad migraine.
So, the car that I’m driving may be transmission-fried, I’m in denial, it’s at my dad’s mechanic atm. I live 40 miles/45 minutes to an hour from my school. I’ve been driving in low gear a lot due to snow. Yesterday my round trip for school was 4 hours and 45 minutes. You read that correctly. There was a bad semi accident and they shut down the highway for 2 1/2 hours right in front of me because that’s how long it took to cut the driver out. On the way home lake effect snow hit, and I got to white-knuckle it again and while passing by another horrific accident got to see them throw a sheet over the victim. Today I drove to work (a 30 minute straight shot rural road) and on my way home, ANOTHER f’ing accident with 5 emergency vehicles. I may never leave my house again.
The high school boy is really loving getting so much college mail. He’s so excited, he has decided on the basis of one hysterical recruitment letter that his goal is Swarthmore. There was also a meeting at the HS for kids who want to spend high school time taking college courses for double HS/college credit. He really wants to do this. But, they are allowing even 6th graders to do this!? WHY? would a middle schooler do this? Anyway, so I have to work on getting him into an SAT test and filling out a fafsa for ALL THREE OF US–oooh boy, I haven’t even gathered my tax stuff yet.
Ex college boy will be stopping over at some point to pick up socsec card for his job. Yay, his job!
Girl and I are going to comic con. Neither costume is done, I’m slammed with homework, and the migraine is down to about 60% (I’m not actively nauseous, I can almost focus my eyes, but not while walking). This is less than desirable.
This Monday is my first LAX practice. I have not prepared anything yet.
I was really feeling like I was doing well at this college thing, but today not so much. Today I want to cry, and I also would like to reprogram my brain so that I stop misreading statistical equations and having to do my work 3 x to get it right.
Ugh I’m so sorry you’re hit with so much crap all at once. Migraines are the WORST — not only do they hurt, they have all these other weird symptoms that you have to contend with, including brain fog. Hang in there. You know, my BFF is a once and future lacrosse coach in the western PA area, I could see if he was ok with being put in touch with you if you think it might be helpful? No pressure, just a thought!
Sorry about the migraine!
I went to Swarthmore and loved it as much as I could for that time of my life (had just developed fibromyalgia). But for me it was kind of a nerd utopia, in that even if people didn’t share your nerdy thing, they respected the having of nerdy things. And of course the campus is gorgeous.
And they stay kind of funny–they sent my acceptance letter by itself with no forms or anything, so on the outside of the normal-sized envelope it said, “YES, this IS the BIG ONE.”
I’m also a Swat alum, and just loved my time there. The campus is amazing, the students are weird and quirky and so smart, and it was just a really wonderful place to BECOME A PERSON.
I hope it’s not too late to send out a history or otherwise academic toasts batsignal!
I finished my history M.A. program at the end of December and am currently delaying Real Life by working on a fellowship which ends in June.
I have NO IDEA what to do next because I don’t think that teaching is for me! I’ve got vague ideas about potentially trying entry-level editorial work but I feel like RIGHT NOW is when I should be casting a wide net. So if you have a history or history adjacent degree or degrees, what do you do for a living? How do you like it? How did you get there?
So I have a friend from college that I only talk to occasionally on facebook. Said friend has a pretty crappy life; every time I talk to him it just seems like things are worse. I can offer a little advice here and there, but I really can’t help him.
I wished him happy birthday the other day and asked how he was, and apparently through some government loophole (he lives in another country) he’s working for almost no money–a fraction of what a minimum wage worker would earn. He also has some mental health issues that are making the social aspects of work difficult.
There’s genuinely almost nothing I can say. I asked if he has other options and he said no. I feel really badly for him, but at the same time, every time I talk to him I just feel so depressed and sad about the world in general.
I know he doesn’t have a lot of people to talk to, which is why I keep in touch, but I find it harder and harder to hear about his situation.
Has anyone else been in a situation like this before, where you have a friend you just can’t help? I have a really hard time reconciling my feelings about all of this.
I’ve been that friend. Do keep in touch. But ration yourself. Put in in your calendar to check in once a month, if that seems OK for you. And do your check-in from a distance, if it helps you. Send him an email. Or snail mail a silly card. He needs to know you care.
And if he ever gives you an opening, be ready to urge him to get counseling. I am sooooo glad my friends said that to me.
Oh, the opening has come up, but he just can’t afford it (based on what he makes I don’t know how he’s even surviving), so I don’t want to keep suggesting therapy, knowing it’s not a viable option.
Since you’ve accounted for the therapy (non)option, you can let go of trying to help. Remember your focus: You want him to know you care. Do not fret over anything else. Just reach out regularly so he knows you care. That reminds him he is worthy of care. It is extremely valuable. You are a good friend.
Does he have any hobbies or shared interests? I know depression is hell on this stuff, but just in general, my best friendships involve talking about things like books and movies and articles we read on the internet. Would he be willing to start an online reading club where you send each other links or read dear prudence together or listen to a shared podcast or whatever? My brother and I bond by sending each other crazy advice column questions and debating if we think the advice person gave good advice or not.
I hit a snag in my Big Future Plans recently. I’m in the process of applying to two Master’s programs. My (recently revised) Plan was: find new job, leave job I hate, attend one of those programs part-time while continuing to work full time (this is all predicated on the assumption that I get accepted to either school, which like, yikes).
I don’t know how I got it in my head that both schools have a part-time option, but I realized I was incorrect – my first choice school; the one that’s easier to commute to and also more prestigious, only has a full-time option. I still think it’s probably financially irresponsible to not work full-time (I have v supportive parents who can’t contribute financially but would let me live with them rent-free while I went to school, but I don’t want to do that to them). But there are SO MANY factors up in the air right now and I can’t make a decision about anything until at least one thing falls into place.
1 – finding a new job; I’m so unhappy in my current position that the thought of bearing with it any longer than the start of the academic year makes me want to throw up.
2 – whether or not I get accepted to either school at all!
3 – how much financial aid I would get and how much debt I’d be accruing over the next 2-4 years.
There are so many possible combinations of outcomes. I hate it and I don’t know what to figure out first.
What is your major/area of study? Some departments have research or teaching assistantships/stipends, where tuition is paid AND you get a (small) paycheck. My geography department does. Have you checked with the department that has accepted you to see if they have those and what you might have to do to get one?
Figure out only what you can control right now, aka work on your resume and apply to jobs that sound good. Apply to your schools and see what happens, you won’t know until after if you are going to get financial aid or what else might be a consideration.
Basically, cast a wide net, and apply lots of places, because you don’t have to decide anything until you have some choices to decide about. Right now you have your bad job and that’s it. So all you have to do is come up with some options that give you an out from it. It’s good to have choice, not bad.
Overall, don’t project out too far and try to solve problems that have yet to exist. Just put yourself in a place where you will have choices.
So I’ve always said I didn’t want to have children but now I’m wondering if maybe I do? Less a compulsion than a lot less opposition than I thought I had. Any toasties with children who did not always think they’d be a parent, I would love to hear your decision making process stories!
I’m actually in a very similar place. I know, though, that I never want to experience pregnancy, but I waffle on whether or not I want the child-having experience, which feels like a betrayal of my old self in many ways.
I’m also in this place, mostly because the man I have been seeing for the past year is the first person I’ve ever dated who I would actually like to procreate with.
Ah this. My mom would tell me “you just haven’t found the right person” and I would roll my eyes… but she was right. I’m pretty sure she understands that some women won’t ever want kids, but she knows me enough to know that I am not one of them.
And you might find your right person and be able to envision yourself raising children with them and still decide that it’s not the path for you! I’d always been ambivalent at best at the thought of having kids, though lately I have been having some of those “what if” moments…sometimes I’m even a little bummed that Beardo and I are not going to take that path because I think we could be good at it, and it’d be interesting to see who our kids would turn out to be. But – parenthood is really not for us. I’ve given myself time here and there to think about it and even do a little mourning of the life I’m not choosing, and it’s been a great comfort and as helped me feel better about our choices. Like – no matter which way you go you may have a little regret that you didn’t do the other thing, and that’s totally normal.
Thank you for sharing this! We’ve been married for 8 years, I think we’d be pretty excellent at parenting, and now we’re at the point of trying to actually make a decision (that it turns out I did not really make 20+ years ago). We’ll be great either way, I know, but this wide-open decisionland is a strange country to inhabit in the meantime.
“do a little mourning of the life I’m not choosing, and it’s been a great comfort and as helped me feel better about our choices. Like – no matter which way you go you may have a little regret that you didn’t do the other thing, and that’s totally normal.”
Yes, this is so right and such a healthy attitude! No matter what you DO choose, you choose NOT TO DO something else. I think working through this is necessary in making big life decisions about relationships, kids, big career changes, etc. When you look back you can say, “I went into this with my eyes open and I am so grateful for all the good things this decision has brought me.” Also, thinking this way really helps you order your priorities.
I hate that she’s right!
Me too me tooooooo. Or at least, a neighboring question. I’ve wanted to a adopt for as long as I can remember but am now very aware that my biological baby window will be closing soon. But I’m single and it seems such a huge undertaking. But also a huge thing to miss? I sort of dread the idea of pregnancy and labor, but that wouldn’t last forever.
Basically, any internal wondering about it turns into this never-ending socratic dialogue of “ah, but what about…”
All through my childhood and up till my early twenties, I was adamant I didn’t want children, ever. (Which was actually kind of helpful, because in my late teens I was told I was almost certainly infertile, and this had no emotional impact on me because childbearing had never been part of my plans anyway.)
So then I forgot about the whole issue for some years, apart from the mid-twenties awkwardness of picking when to tell my boyfriend about my infertility (he said he was OK with having kids and also OK with not having them.)
Fast forward a few more years and I’d had some psychotherapy – not regarding this precise issue, but on the other hand not exactly irrelevant either, given that it largely related to my relationship with my own mother. Combine this with reading Oliver James’s book “They Fuck You Up”, all about how early-years parenting impacts on the later mental health of the child, and I found myself DESPERATE to have kids. Was it because it no longer seemed normal for mothers and children to be resentful, exploitative rivals? Was it because the whole childrearing thing seemed much more momentous and interesting? Did I just want to try to “do it right” as some kind of antithesis to my own childhood? Was I just getting older and more hormonal and already engaged to boyfriend anyway?
Whatever it was, I got married and had 2 kids (turns out the doctors were wrong, luckily for me: husband and I had already had the adoption vs surrogate argument, but it proved irrelevant). Not a future I ever imagined for myself.
Well, that’s how come I changed my mind – at least, those are the factors I’m consciously aware of. My husband and kids are the best things in my life and I can’t imagine life without them (platitudinous, but true). On the other hand, I’m acutely aware of the career-type things and life-type things I might have done by now if I hadn’t had kids. So… big decision. I wish I could be more help. In the end, for me, it was like all the other major choices in my life: less a conscious decision than a realisation that I’d already made the decision.
Your last sentence there is beautiful and feels like one of the truest statements ever written. Thank you for sharing!
I always hated the thought of having kids, but several years into marriage, my husband got hella broody (“Look! There’s a BABY over there! It has tiny hands!”) and I eventually decided, my career isn’t going how I’d hoped, we have some savings, what the hey. Might as well.
I did regret it at times. I was generally terrified for nine months, had forty-two hours in labor, and got postpartum depression. It’s been a ride. But all the crap they say about kids is true. They can be assholes but when your kid says “I love you, Mommy!” it’s… Well, it’s pretty excellent.
There’s a hideous amount of pressure to have more than one, though. And that decision is one I’m still not ready to make.
I still want to talk about Downton Abbey and how pissed I am at Mary. That is all.
How the fuck does she decide “first, marry Henry, THEN try to figure out how to fix it with Edith”? Like, I thought this would be her “Badly done, Emma” moment, where she actually goes and tries to be a better person. But that would probably require her to feel empathy, which I’m not sure she knows how to do.
Yeah my biggest question was actually more along the lines of “how can her parents celebrate her wedding knowing she has been continually ruining the life of their other daughter for the past however many years?!?”
I can sort of understand Robert and Cora acting all “yes, Mary’s marrying Henry Talbot, how wonderful!” in public (stiff upper lip and keeping up appearances and all that, don’t you know) but they don’t seem to have reacted at all in private beyond Robert being a bit sharpish. Even a comment like “Good she’s going on a honeymoon, I’m having a hard time eating breakfast alongside her” would’ve been better than what we got.
I haaaaaate Mary. I’ve hated her for ages, but after her behaviour in that last episode I am so glad the show is ending because I can’t take her anymore. (As my sister said, she is just a fictional character.)
OK, I’m still on season 3 and you’re probably talking about the current season but I HATE MARY SO MUCH. My darling Sybil dies in two episodes, so I’m all #TeamEdith now because I can’t stand Mary. “Matthew, you have morals, that means you are not on our side!”, “Sybil insists they can’t afford to come here” – THAT IS BECAUSE THEY REALLY CAN’T, HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO UNDERSTAND THAT
OH. MY. GARLAND. I was spitting mad. I really really wanted Edith to just get coolly up, walk around the table, and slap Mary and then leave the room, but her (and Tom’s) dressing down of Mary was almost</> but not really as satisfactory. And I’m really ticked that she ended up happy AGAIN after ruining Edith’s wedding AGAIN.
Can I say one thing in Mary’s defense? If not, just stop reading right now. Which is that Edith ALWAYS starts things. Edith was needling her. Mary obviously went wayyyyyy over the line, but was it necessary for Edith to tell everyone that mary was sad because her crush didn’t work out and then publicly say Mary can never be happy when Edith is happier? NO! No that is not necessary. Their dynamic has always been that Edith says something snarky and mildly envious or barbed and then Mary responds by crushing her like the sad charlie brown bug that edith has been made out to be.
ALSO lets not forget Edith tried to RUIN mary after the Pamuk thing and that would have ruined EVERYONE, so she is also a vindictive and spiteful little monster.
This is not to justify either of them, but I think Mary is like a sleepy black mamba- she has the most venom in her, but she doesn’t attack until attacked first and edith is a wee tiny shark who goes around biting everyone!
Meanwhile no one likes Blandy Talbot in our house. We want Charles blake back! Up Yours Downstairs had the best take on this which was, if a woman tells everyone she wants to break up with someone and to please not invite the guy over, that its really crossing her boundaries to keep inviting that guy over and yelling at her for not breaking up with him.
Many congratulations to the Bartender! February birthdays are great because it is otherwise such a bleak month. Having a February birthday means there’s something to look forward to! (But also no ice cream cake, at least if you grew up with little jwhittz’s mom planning your bday parties.)
Toasts! We are finally able to renovate the upstairs apartment! After something like six months of waiting for things to get cleaned out, wanting very much to be sensitive to what our landlord is dealing with (it was his mother’s apartment, first she was moved into an assisted living facility and then in November she passed), but also, you know, wanting something resembling a timeline so we could PLAN things, last Friday the landlord let my husband know we could get started on it. The whole place was covered in wallpaper. J had a few days off this week, so now only 40% is still covered in wallpaper. The plaster underneath is a mess. The bathroom, especially. We have a lot of work to do, but we will in all likelihood be moving in by the end of March!
I of course am seventeen steps ahead and mentally decorating the finished rooms. We ordered a coffee table from west elm (that is backordered for months, grr). The kitchen cabinets are a cute retro style with a over the sink shelf that has a sliding glass door. I’m so excited!
So tell me about your favorite parts of your homes! Or your own renovation/decor plans!
Yay! It must be so great to live one place and be able to renovate somewhere you aren’t living and have them so close!
I have a never ending list of things I want to do to my house. My kitchen/dining is by far my favorite room and it’s almost exactly how I want it except the previous owner put down stick-on vinyl tiles (poorly) and they’re a mess. So that’s probably my next big project. Except I can’t decide what I want to put down instead…
Yes, we’re really lucky in our current situation.
What flooring options are you considering?
Literally everything except hardwood! I like that the vinyl is softer and warmer than ceramic so possibly looking into nicer grouted vinyl tiles? Or cork? Or I might just end up with ceramic anyways. Maybe I’ll ask the toast hivebrain next open thread…
Check out linoleum! I know it sounds old-fashioned but it’s perfect for kitchens, non-toxic, way more eco-friendly than vinyl. It’s what we did in our kitchen, in a dark grey light grey diagonal checkerboard. And it’s great.
Interesting! My kitchen has all the original cabinets and fixtures from the 60s and is very retro so lino would fit right in! I’ll have to do some digging, do you remember where you got yours from?
We just got it from a local flooring store. Ours is Marmoleum by Forbo. Armstrong makes linoleum too.
We recently repainted our bathroom to a beautiful oceanic blue and now I absolutely adore it, even if it doesn’t have the enormous soaking tub of my dreams.
That sounds lovely!
I have a small rented bedroom I’ve been in for nearly 7 years, and over the last year I shifted around the furniture and put up big posters of Dolly Parton and Josephine Baker, plus got rid of a full-length mirror that had been in there for ages with no real use. Then someone gave me a desk so, I have an actual writing area for the first time! But my fave thing is the fireplace – all my favourite houses have had fireplaces.
My co-op unit has popcorn ceilings, and after much waffling, I decided to install Styrofoam “tin” ceiling tiles over it. I just ordered the tiles this week and I hope it turns out well because they will be impossible to remove without completely scraping the ceiling.
I live in a weirdly shaped 2nd floor walk up with 3 rooms off the kitchen area and they’re all teeny tiny. We are using the back room with no windows as our “living room” but given how little floor space it is, I have plans to run shelves across one whole wall for out books (above the couch), then put in a projector and screen so it can be a movie room, so the only thing on the floor is our sectional couch which rolls around and can be reconfigured. We also want to put up lots of different maps of our travels in this room. There’s also a closet we took the doors off in here and I want to make it separately lit nook that fits a reading corner with a chair on one side and storage for the vacuum and suitcases on the other.
In the main bedroom, because of the lack of floor space I want to put railings with hanging planters in a v shape away from the windows, so that we have this green curtain by the headboard that’s not directly over the bed.
ALso in the bedroom our closet is the worst. I have plans to do a better system of railings.
Lastly in our kitchen, we need so much shelving- I want to make a wee pantry by the fridge and shelves for bar supplies in our dining corner. We also need a table in that corner.
The end. Oh an you know, just paint the mirror and the vanity the same color of black so its not one espresso chipped veener fighting with a fake oak peeling mirror. Tiny little details.
We have the too little floor space/no storage issue in our current 1-bed apt. We did lots of shelves in the living room, which also doubles as J’s “office” when he’s working from home (about 50% of the time), and that’s really helped.
The hanging plant rail sounds awesome! I’m looking forward to having a few more plants in the new space, which gets much better light.
Beef cheek recipe recommendations? Anybody?
Splendid Table has one (am on my phone so it’s too hard to link), but basically you just treat them like better, more delicious short ribs. Sear and braise! I did them in tomatoes and broth and a little beer and a homemade toasted chili powder, and made delicious delicious tacos. Mmmmm.
Awesome, thanks! That sounds delightful.
I’m having an emotional/identity crisis over this primary election and it’s killing me. Please tell me other people are genuinely struggling with what’s happening in the GOP primaries right now.
I am having so much trouble with it I finally told my mom I just can’t talk about it again. It’s killing my soul and I’m so terribly afraid of the underlying disease this country has to make Trump into what he’s becoming. I’m so, so scared.
I had to stop watching the debates, which I normally love. It’s just such a struggle to understand why this is what we’ve come to. How did this happen? How is this what people believe? How are we of the same country? I’m just terribly, terribly sad and afraid.
I stopped watching the debates too! My dude is really into politics and I normally am as well but I just can’t take it anymore. We watched the first couple of debates together and then at some point I was like “no, I can’t do this, I’m getting legitimately distressed.”
I’m glad I’m not alone re: true emotional distress. I’ve moved beyond tearing up whenever I think too long about Trump and into some sort of numbness (occasionally interrupted by rage / despair)
I am getting accustomed to bouts of sudden rage that are 100% attributable to the primaries. It is terrible, and I really don’t know how I am going to make it to November, MUCH LESS for another four years, if things don’t turn out sane.
yes, i had to take a little fast from election news a couple weeks ago because i was so angry every damn second and i knew i would explode before november if i didn’t pace my rage.
I am genuinely struggling! Everything is awful. If I had to pick a worst part of all this, it’s that Trump’s (and Cruz’s) success is due to a very real and vocal group of people in MY country. All this hate-mongering and bigotry has won him so much support because it already exists all over the U.S. It’s terrifying to me and it makes me deeply ashamed.
The fact that this country can be so polarized as to embrace someone like Bernie Sanders on one end and Donald Trump on the other is astounding. But the contingent supporting the GOP frontrunners truly, truly scares me and makes me worry about the future.
This!!!!! It’s the fact that so many people are supporting them because of these hateful things that is killing me slowly and painfully
I hear you. I hate how omnipresent it is, too; it’s impossible to try to read news or just, like, jokes on twitter without being reminded. It’s also a very helpless feeling, like, yes I can vote, but wtf can I do about this huge cultural thing that got us here? And if voting doesn’t do it, then what? What got us through the GWB years? Wow, those feel quaint.
My dad, who has an occasionally sick sense of humor, has apparently taken to teasing my mom that if Hillary gets the nomination, he’s going to vote for Trump. It’s not true; he will very reluctantly vote for Hillary, but my mom can be very gullible at times, so I’m picturing her having mini heart-attacks when he says “well, I guess I’ll have a tough choice to make…” about the hypothetical Trump-Hillary match up.
Yes. Especially when you live a very conservative area (sigh). Things that cheered me this week: Overhearing a conversation between my boss and another co-worker in which co-worker (our only right-wing Fox News lover in the office) said if Trump were the nominee he wouldn’t vote and my boss reported that her husband (a Republican – she’s a self-described moderate/independent) has said he would vote Democrat. So that was encouraging.
Also every time I get anxious and worked up I remind myself that we can vote and campaign and work hard to try to keep it from happening. I promised myself about a month ago that if Trump was the nominee I would volunteer for the Democratic nominee’s campaign this summer. I try to take a deep breath and remind myself we can work hard to get the vote out.
I know, that still doesn’t help the mental image of all the people who are supporting the GOP candidates (and not just Trump) and who are actually motivated to support this horrible bullshit. It makes me so sad and scared, yes. But I’m trying (not great at it) to not let it steal all my hope and happiness.
This may sound ridiculous, but I honestly have a hard time envisioning a 2017 where this country can support 3 separate productions of Hamilton at the same time and yet Trump is president. (Is that absurd? Maybe!) And I also hope that these are the backlash pangs we perhaps have to go through to get to something better. (Maybe?) But I don’t know, at all.
The Republicans that I know personally all are horrified by Trump and not voting for him as well. And I know some pretty reactionary dyed-in-the-wool Republicans, including one (awful) lady who founded the Tea Party chapter in her area. But she’s also definitely not voting Trump. It’s almost a bit weird — who *are* the ones voting for Trump in that case?
This whole kerfuffle about Trump retweeting Mussolini quotes has almost cheered me up, just because it is so absurd and over the top. (He did, and then he was not at all abashed when it was pointed out to him).
We keep trying to laugh about it at work but enough of my coworkers are people of color and immigrants on work visas that it is actualfacts terrifying to imagine a country in which people genuinely want this level of racist bigotry from their presidential candidates. I can’t handle it. I haven’t watched a GOP debate since the first one, because I can’t get through them without way more alcohol than is smart to consume ever. I am truly scared.
I’m not even a citizen in your country and I’m stressed out about it. Sorry I don’t have a magic wand to fix it. 🙁
Friends, both my favorite Thai restaurant and my favorite Central American restaurant closed this month. I am distraught. But I also realized that I almost never cook anything at home that isn’t basically American/European. Even the food blogs and cookbooks I tend to use lean that way. I have a whole range of specialty grocery stores nearby and it’s time to use them! Does anyone have any favorite recipes, blogs or cookbooks they can suggest? I especially love Thai and Korean but I’d love any suggestions that can get me out of my cooking rut!
http://shesimmers.com/ ! I love her musings on “authenticity” in cooking as well.
The now-defunct Tigers and Strawberries is where I learned to cook Chinese and Indian food, and I still regularly use a lot of recipes I got from there. (Which reminds me, it’s been way too long since I’ve made Thai basil chicken. Gotta get on that.)
Yesss I love her recipes. I haven’t done many of the Chinese ones because I was veg at the time, but the Indian recipes are just wonderful.
Also seriouseats.com has a really wide range of recipes – a lot of them are pretty fussy but you can cut out some of the trickier processes/ ingredients and still have a really good meal and a greater understanding of how certain dishes work.
Toastie pear has a cooking blog with some Thai recipes. I’ve made a lot of tasty recipes from the cookbooks Asian Dumplings and Every Grain of Rice too.
I’m not sure if it’s still in print, but my mom has a much-loved copy of Keo’s Thai Cuisine cookbook that I’ve photocopied like half the pages from. It’s worth it for the Evil Jungle Prince recipe alone.
This book on Indian cooking is soo so good. It’s really beginner/weeknight friendly, and super healthy.
I really like Global Table Adventure for recipes, though I find her writing a bit….annoying.
I love The Woks of Life for Chinese recipes, and they often have recipes from other Asian countries.
I use What Hawaii Likes To Eat by Muriel Miura and Betty Shimabukuro constantly – there’s a mix of Asian and Hawaiian and American food in it – I’m using their adobo recipe today!
I also like Hawaii Cooks And Saves. I will say these recipes all have kind of a Hawaii spin on them, so I don’t think they’re like 100% authentic.
ETA: sorry my links didn’t work so I took them out, but both of these show up on Amazon
We just bought Maangchi’s Real Korean Cooking- her you tube channel is also amazing.
Should you want to go Mexican, Rick Bayless has some great books- we’ve cooked almost everything out of Mexican Everyday and it’s all been great.
660 Curries is my favorite Indian cookbook. Also for asian food in general (especially if you have good access to specialty stores) I highly recommend the works of Naomi Duguid.
I love 660 curries so much! I think my favorite is probably the “chunky potatoes with buttermilk”
Yes to 660 Curries! I absolutely love it even if I find his writing unnecessarily florid.
Andrea Nguyen’s cookbooks are great and her blog will get you started with some great recipes: http://www.vietworldkitchen.com/ I love her Vietnamese recipes but her book “Asian Tofu” is a gem and gathers recipes from other cuisines too.
Seconding 660 Curries for Indian and SheSimmers.com for Thai recipes–the author also has a cookbook out. I like “The Adobo Road Cookbook” for Filipino food and there’s a blog for that too: http://burntlumpiablog.com/
Ohhh, hey, my kind of food. For blogs featuring traditional Korean cooking run by people who know the ins and outs of traditional Korean cooking,
Maangchi of course but also http://koreanfoodgallery.com (aggregate site, amazing resource) http://www.koreanbapsang.com http://aeriskitchen.com http://aliensdayout.com (vegan Korean & lots of vegan sweets) http://www.shinshine.com/my-blog/ or http://www.banchanstory.com/#!blog/ewkrm http://cozybogie.com
Some of these sites aren’t updated regularly, or at all, anymore, but I’ll still refer to their back catalog when I need a basic guideline for Korean anything, and then slightly adapt the recipes to try and capture my family’s flavors.
Seductions of Rice is still one of my go-to cookbooks, 13 years after it came out. It covers various rice-based food cultures around the world. I’ve cooked pretty extensively from the Thai, Indian, and Chinese sections.
Edited to add: OMG, it was first published in 1998. Crap. I am old. Still a great cookbook.
http://www.importfood.com has a whole bunch of Thai recipes, many with video! It’s my favorite place to buy whichever ingredients I can’t find locally. Plus they’re nice people. Highly recommend!
Fuchsia Dunlop is the absolute best of Chinese cookbook writers writing in English. She’s put out a number of cookbooks, but one of them is directly focused on Chinese home cooking — it’s called Every Grain of Rice. It’s delicious!
I need to talk about my job for a bit to get out some anxiety from today so here goes:
I work for an organization that tutors kids who struggle with reading. I’ve just started doing my middle of year assessments and so far all the results I’ve gotten back the students scored lower now than they did at the beginning of the year. I know there are a lot of reasons why this might be the case and doesn’t necessarily reflect my work or the work of my tutors, and that a computer-based test can’t see all of the same improvement that I’m seeing, but I’m still really frustrated and upset about it. I’ve only done the MoY for a small number of students so far so I’m sure some of them will improve and get higher scores but I just feel so bad about it. I’m also going to have to talk to their teachers and explain why they did worse on this test even though they are improving otherwise and I’m so nervous about that. It’s just really frustrating to see in their work and hear from other people that work with them how much better they are doing, but then to not see that reflected in the assessment.
A quick question – are the test scores raw, or percentile-based? Like, if a kid scored in the 20th percentile at the beginning of third grade but in the 15th percentile in the middle of third grade, maybe it just means that while that kid is better at reading than they were at the beginning of the year, they’re not improving at the same rate as their peers?
Both, kind of. It gives a percentile rank like, they scored higher than _% of peers nationally. But it also gives grade level equivalent so for example a 3rd grade student might have started off the year scoring at 2.6 GE, meaning 6th month of second grade, but now is scoring a 2.1, so regressing back to first month of second grade.
Hmm. Are there any kids you could put in as controls for the test? Because I’m almost wondering if the test just isn’t working.
The Toast needs a commune in the woods or by a beautiful seashore where we can all go and enjoy each others’ companionable silence. Come be quiet with me.
I am with you. I feel a strong urge these days to be in Nature, preferably by the sea, but have no recourse to do so.
Yes.
Can we set aside an hour a day for running around playing tambourines while wearing flower crowns and flowing clothing? That’s one of those things your really need a decently-sized group for.
Also napping, aren’t we about the nap parties?
I am HERE for nap parties!
I’m so in.
This sounds peaceful and perfect. If only…
I vote for the woods; we could build a treehouse colony with bookshelves in the walls & speedy wifi routers & Toastly art
Toasties! My company is hiring an online editor for my department and we are in desperate need of finding somebody who can write, likes textiles and textile type things, and know your way around WordPress and SEO and all that, email me at cgarton at interweave dot com and I can give you the link to the posting, answer your questions, etc. It’s listed as Fort Collins, Colorado, but most of our online editors work remotely (it just depends on your state). It doesn’t say, but I’m a good 99% sure it’s full time with benefits.
Man, I wish I knew my way around WordPress and SEO a bit better!
Oh! I am interested in this. I haven’t done much Serious Professional Writing, but I am a good writer and I know lottttsss about textiles! I will send you an email.
Podcast recommendations anyone? I’ve got a commute with time to kill, listening to regular news makes me want to explode, and I’d be interested in adding some more to my mix. I listen to a bunch of hipster music ones, MaxFun (CIPYD, MBMBaM as I too am also an ex-pat WVian and it makes me happy, Oh No Ross and Carrie, etc.) as well as more nerdy ones, like the Allusionist, 99% Invisible, and the Hidden Brain, fiction stories like Welcome to Nightvale, Leviathan, Clarkesworld, and non-fiction stories like This American Life, the Moth. Now that I list them, it seems like a lot, but maybe I’m missing something really rad? What are you listening to?
My favorites that you haven’t mentioned are NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour and Gimlet’s Reply All (stories about the internet). I also enjoy All the Books (short summaries of new books that are out) and Criminal (short episodes about true crime).
Super!
I feel like there is something dysfunctional about me that I just can’t seem to get into true crime though everyone I love and respect is into it.
I was about to say Pop Culture Happy Hour if no one else did, the gang there definitely all feel like toastie-types.
I’m a big fan of Pop Culture Happy Hour. The panelists have varied enough tastes that their discussions are almost always really interesting, and their recurring “What’s Making Us Happy” sequence almost always brings something neat to my attention that I would otherwise miss.
The Mystery Show seems pretty fantastic (I’ve only listened to two episodes so far, but I like Starlee Kine a lot). Also, it’s a short one (8 episodes, maybe?) but I really enjoyed The Message.
JUST LISTENED TO THE MYSTERY SHOW TONIGHT AND I AM IN LOVE.
I love Strangers so so so much. Check it out.
Let’s see, we already have a lot of overlap, thanks to MaxFun, so I’ll throw out Never Not Funny (you’ll either love it or hate it) and Denzel Washington Is The Greatest Actor Of All Time Period.
No Such Thing as a Fish! It’s a trivia-based show, very smart and funny.
Stuff Mom Never Told You!
ANOTHER ROUND
CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND
will evangelize these two podcasts until the end of time.
THOSE WERE THE ONES I WAS GOING TO LIST.
Did you see the picture on twitter of Heben, Tracy, and LIN MANUEL MIRANDA? I am so excited for the next episode. So excited.
I am going to fucking die of happiness.
agreeeeed
please, you know i SHRIEKED with excitement and texted everyone i know.
I am listening to Dusted (about Buffy), We Used to be Friends (about Veronica Mars but pausing at the minute), Night Vale, Lore (about weird true stuff), Criminal (about crime), the Rex Factor (history) the British History Podcast (what it says on the tin), Sawbones (medical history) and the Lightbulb (pop culture in general).
Strongly seconding Lore, Criminal, and Sawbones (especially if you already listen to MBMBaM). Plus Still Buffering, which is one half of Sawbones and her sister!
Still Buffering is absolutely delightful, although I feel bad about how much better at humaning Rileigh seems to be than I am, at more than twice her age.
A Buffy podcast?! THANK YOU.
Second Lore and adding Limetown! (welcome to nightvale ish, slightly hokey but enjoyable fake serial-esque investigation)
I really like Lore and Naked Scientists.
I am obsessed with You Must Remember This right now – forgotten stories from Hollywood’s golden age. Currently listening to the 10 part series about Charles Manson.
Seconding this one! I started listening to YMRT after an episode was linked here on The Toast Dot Net, and I’ve been devouring them like crazy. So interesting!
Snap judgement fits with your moth/ tal combo. I find Only Human is a great compliment to hidden mind. The Sporkful just makes me happy in it’s sincere passion for small things.
Seconding snap judgement. Also The Memory Palace – history-focused stories told compellingly
Judge John Hodgman and Planet Money, and thirding Reply All.
I love BBC Radio 4 and World Service podcasts.
Some of my favorites are “The Food Programme” (for obvious reasons) and “World Have Your Say”, where ordinary people call in from all over the world to talk about whatever’s in the global news that day. It’s really interesting.
My favs that I don’t see mentioned yet: Crybabies, Limetown, Internet Explorer!
I just started PostBourgie and Another Round – I’ve only heard one or two of each, but I’m enjoying them as additions to my list and they bring the PoC perspective, which the podcast world could use more of.
Slate Culture Gabfest. Or if you can stand to listen to politics without screaming bloody murder, the Slate Political Gabfest. We’ve been listening to Up Yours Downstairs (Downton Abbey) at work and its a hoot, several people don’t even watch Downton and still eagerly await this podcast.
I’m weirdly into The Longest Shortest Time for someone who has no children, but it’s pretty fascinating.
Judge John Hodgeman
Call Your Girlfriend
The Thrilling Adventure Hour for those who like faux old timey radio
Ugh its noon here and I’m already so late to the thread!
I have a counseling question, Toast.
So, like many people, I get into extreme funks every couple months or so and it lasts for 1-2 weeks. I’m unhappy, I don’t have any energy or enthusiasm like normal and I’m so , so depressed. Its terrible. But, eventually, it passes as quickly as it came and I’m back to my energetic, fairly happy, responsible self.
Exercise helped a ton a year or two ago and I’m at the gym 3-4 times a week currently (except for when I have an ‘episode’) but I’m having these depressive periods more frequently now. When I’m having one, I look up counselors and psychiatrists and tell SO I’m definitely going to take medication because I can’t live like this anymore but calling and making an appointment is so, so, so hard. I don’t even want to call my EAP to do it for me. I don’t want to talk to my SO, who tolerates these periods but isn’t helpful. I don’t want to talk to anyone at all, I just want to sit in a dark room and cry. But then, I’m back to my baseline, and then it gets even harder to book any appointment because what do I tell them? I’m a totally different person then and its hard to describe where I was even 2 or 3 days ago.
I guess my question is, is it still worth it to book a psychiatrist session when I’m ok? Would it be like “hey, doc, I had a really bad fever like a month ago but I’m fine now, so tell me, is it the flu?” Are they going to be frustrated that all I can say is “sometimes I am sad” but I’m not at that moment?
They will not be frustrated. Please do book a session. Every mental health professional knows that these things come and go, and that nobody is depressed or manic or unfocused all the time.
I guess I didn’t realize that, the mentally ill people in my life like my mother are usually consistently, notably ill and mostly my friends have no idea when I’m down until I tell them.
It is definitely worth it! And it is so, so much easier to book a session when you’re relatively well. Let them know about the cycle, and try to make a record of your moods and anything you think is impacting them so you can bring it in and discuss it.
Mental health is very rarely stable, even when it’s bad. The psychiatrist will definitely not think you’re weird for wanting to get started working on it while you’re well.
I agree. It’s definitely worth it. From my experience, it’s even better for them to get an idea of what your general, not sad, most-of-the time mood and behavior are like, so that when you do have episodes, they can see the changes in you.
Thanks, this comment actually made me look at things way differently.
This is basically the same problem that I have, and I can say that yes it is good to book a session. You will probably have to shop around to find the right kind of therapist, but all of them know that depression is often chronic and intermittent — the good ones are going to help you with strategies around the episodes, and they’ll be ready for when they occur.
Thank you. The shopping around for a person is also kind of daunting in and of itself and I think that’s also making me hesitant. I don’t know who to look for or what do I measure a professional by?
yeah, I don’t have good advice on this, I think you’re supposed to figure it out by actually having sessions with them, but I can’t seem to find a good one
My last therapist recommended TherapyFinder before I moved, but I haven’t tried it myself yet. I’ve heard good things.
Worth it 100% and no one will laugh or think it’s not real if it’s not constant. I have had both short bursts and longer term bouts of depression and I think that if I’d dealt with the short bursts, or sought help, I would have had a much easier or shorter time in the long stretches. (I also totally relate on the support but not really helpful SO, so I’m here for that if you need to vent. They love you, but the response can be so far from what you need. That is, or at least for me, super hard. )
Book a session, definitely. Don’t worry about booking it in your better moments. Unless they’re unprofessional, they won’t be frustrated because they’ll understand. Booking an appointment in advance of one of your episodes can make it easier to go when you hit one of those.
If you have a hard time getting across how you feel when you’re depressed, write down how you feel during those episodes and make a note of dates and other significant factors. If it’s a struggle to write, you can just make some quick notes or a voice recording, or use one of those mood tracker apps.
You already know that you have these episodes regularly, so it’s more like getting flu-like symptoms that come and go. Even if you had just the one depressive episode, it would still be worth making an appointment.
This is me, and seeing a therapist helped me realize that it is something that should be taken seriously. Good luck!
I guess my question is, is it still worth it to book a psychiatrist session when I’m ok?
YES.
Try to not think of it like one, isolated episode, and then another, isolated episode, with everything fine and normal in between. It’s not. It’s a recurring thing, and that recurrence is your problem.
I don’t have a psychiatrist because I’m not interested in trying medication right now, but I 100% picked my therapist because you could email for an appointment and then she would call you. It just felt so much more manageable for me to do it that way.
At first I worried about if that narrowed the field too much/there might be someone better and I could find them if I could just use the fucking phone, but now I’m pretty sure that understanding the inability to just. make. the. call. and helping clients work around that was a good sign.
I just went through something very similar, and I did call my EAP after basically a crisis moment (we have ComPsych) and they were great- it was a short conversation and they found a woman for me specializing in what I described. I made an appointment with her after that, since it felt like I had some momentum. Plus, since it was through the EAP, the first six sessions are free- that made a huge difference in my willingness to go. I hope you’re able to see someone.
This week I got to be in my first ever biology lab! (Homeschooled kid, didn’t get to do many exciting experiments in high school.) I am not a Science Person, so I was nervous about doing gel electrophoresis but it was surprisingly fun and satisfying and our lab instructor said my group’s results turned out the best in the class, so that was great! Biology is so cool.
That is super exciting! Biology is SO cool but biology is often taught in a really boring way so it’s great when you can actually do interesting labs. Also there was some really intense gel running on the latest X Files so you’re basically the same level scientist as Dana Scully (<3 you Scully, it’s not your fault the writers don’t know how science works).
yeah I am a non-science librarian and even I was giving massive side-eye to that whole episode. HE NEEDS STEM CELLS??
Yeah as a biologist (who has actually worked with CRISPR and its ilk) it was Not Good.
I remember there was an episode where they were doing some of the old-school sequencing on gels and acted like the creature had a fifth type of base pair.
That also happened in this episode! The PCR took longer or something because there were extra base pairs? No the PCR would just not work. Also aliens.
Biology is SO cool!! Former homeschooler here who majored in bio for undergrad and loved it. Enjoy your labs!
Labs are so fun! Take all the labs! Physics lab where you can prove that all those equations you memorized actually work! And ecology labs where you get to play outside! And chemistry labs where you get be a mad scientist!
Add geology too! You get to be outside sometimes, and you get really good at reading maps and general spatial skills! No bias here obviously.
I took geology last semester and loved it so much too! I was raised Young Earth Creationist and only found out exactly HOW old the earth really is a year ago, so there’s this whole huge chunk of history I get to find out about and it is so exciting!
Toasties, I am running a teen lock-in at the library tonight from 6-10pm and I have NO IDEA how many teens are coming. Hoping it’s not 5 kids or 50 kids, but maybe a nice, workable 20 people. So many things still to do, freaking out a bit!
Good luck with it!
would be very interested in reading a live-tweet or live-blog of a teen lock-in from a librarian perspective. just sayin’.
If anyone wants to share I would love to hear stories about long-distance relationships with happy endings (whatever that might entail) or any outsider insight on the following:
I’m smitten with someone who lives thousands of miles away, we first met in the summer during a work thing, had a fling and parted ways. I was heartbroken afterwards but we kept in touch… and met up this winter on another continent and had a wonderful time. We’re planning on seeing each other again this summer. I’m thrilled to be so into another person but I also feel so vulnerable despite the fact that this person is thoughtful and considerate and knows how much I care. We haven’t taken up a relationship status but both agree that our thing is a very very good thing. What messes with me is that we only communicate by email and not very often, which is such a red-flag but what our correspondence lacks in volume is compensated by being so damn sweet and heartfelt. I’m focusing on nurturing my real-live relationships in the here and now but this is so important to me. It’s hard to put it on the back-burner and not worry obsessively that I’m setting myself up to getting torn to shreds (I’m already kinda worn out from my past romantic relationships which have not been nurturing).
My relationship has been periodically long-distance in our 4.5 years, and it’s working out pretty well so far. The LD parts sucked, tho. That’s just the unfortunate reality of distance. Do you want other forms of correspondence? Have you let the other person know? My SO despises texting, and I feel the same way about long phone calls, so we had to find a good balance when we were apart. My favorite piece of LDR advice was this comic by Erika Moen (Please note: that goes to Oh Joy Sex Toy, most def. not work safe, there is porn, rpt. there is porn). The ideas suggested therein:
– Daily communication
– Count down to the next time you’ll see each other
– Budget, because you’re going to be traveling and that costs $$$
– Get good at remote intimacy (this was the hardest part for us)
All very good ideas. Best of luck!
It’s good to hear you’re making it work! It’s becoming clear that my issue is that I need more frequent communication, and that I will have to ask for it, and that not an unreasonable request (asking for stuff always makes me feel needy I guess).
Happy ending:
Back in college, I started dating a guy senior year with the understanding that we would break up at graduation, because we were moving to different cities. Graduation came, we moved apart, we broke up. A week later, we realized that we were sill talking multiple times a day and maybe we hadn’t broken up after all. So, long distance.
About 6 months later, it got hard. We weren’t communicating often or well. We were establishing lives in our separate cities. We broke up again. But we stayed in touch, mostly through online games (scrabulous, which was a precursor to words with friends).
We started seeing other people, and for about 6 months everything was fine. Then I got word that he was coming to my city to visit a mutual friend, and my literal first reaction was to dump the guy I was dating at the time. It was like no time at all had passed, and we got back together, with promises to put more effort into communication. The online games helped, for something that kept us connected even when there wasn’t much to talk about. I’d often call him on my way home from work, since he would already be home (ah, different time zones). It was still hard, but the time apart had been so much harder that it seemed fine.
After almost a year of this, I picked up and moved to his city. That was six years ago, and now we’re married. I’m a firm believer that if it’s meant to be, it will be. And also online games. Because sitting on the phone and watching a movie together always seemed silly to me. Playing a game while chatting on IM is much more my speed (and his).
That’s a great story and the game idea is brilliant. With a 7h time difference, it’s kinda difficult to do in real-time but still even with delays it sounds like a nice way to casually keep in touch.
My partner & I were long distance for 3 years, have been living together for another 3 (oh god we’re old). We were opposite ends of the globe long-distanct (NZ/Europe), and during those 3 years saw each other for 2 month visits every 6 months or so (uni has great holidays).
My 2 cents for LDRs: Without absolute trust, it’s doomed. If you have any doubt that your person isn’t honest/faithful to you, it won’t work. Regular communication is important, and equal-ish effort from both parties. Oh, and there’s this received wisdom that your LDR will fail if you’re not sure going in that it is “IT”, or if you don’t have an end date. Bollocks. If that’s important to you, do it, but we did just find failing both of those requirements.
When we were first in our LDR, my mindset was that the relationship was fun, I enjoyed it, and there wasn’t anyone else I was interested in dating, so why not explore the LDR. You know yourself best, and your life best, if this person makes your heart flutter, and the thought of a LDR makes you nervous, rather than filling your bones with dread, then give it a shot. If you want to chat at all, my email is: the captain nancy (without spaces) at g-m-a-i-l.com
Thanks for sharing your experience and congrats on making it work! So much good advice in there. We’re actually both open to the other person having romantic pursuits on home ground (this wasn’t a compromise for anyone as neither of us is particularly inclined toward monogamy) but I think that honesty and communication is definitely key.
Husband and I met in college in Ireland, started going out in May before I 1) went back home to the US for the summer and then 2) spend the next school year in Strasburg, France, which is weirdly hard to get to. We had about a year in the same country after then I had to move back to the US for 3 years. This period of time sucked SO MUCH.
We moved in together in 2011 and have been married for the past 4ish years now, quite happily. We still have moments where we go “Hey you live in my house now! That’s so great!”
Oh man, 3+ years sounds long but I love the idea of being excited about just regular day-to-day stuff after not having that on the menu for so long.
The first time we had a fight about dishes I was so happy. Fighting about normal things that non-LDR couples fight about? Such a weird but awesome feeling
Aaargh, shit I didn’t mean to imply monogamy=the one and true right way, but that’s totally how it reads! Thanks for pulling me up on that, I must do better next time.
If I can rephrase, it’s just about trust, and whether you can trust that the other person is doing what they say they are. And from your comments here, it seems that you two are pretty good on the communication and trust account. I say go for it!
Another happy ending coming at you:
I’m from the suburbs of Chicago, he’s from New Zealand. We met in New Jersey in 2007, got together in early 2009, came to the conclusion getting married was the way to go while in Toronto for his brother’s wedding in 2010, and I imported him at the end of 2011. It was difficult going at times, no doubt about it. And, of course, now that the distance is no longer, uh, long, it’s easy to look back at those years and be breezy about it, but there were times where it sucked HUGE. It’s also the first/only romantic relationship I’ve had, so add that into the mix. I could bore the snot out of swaths of people with the whole story, so of course I’m essentially writing a fanfic of our story for future self-publishing/five friends (maybe) reading it.
Long story short: We started a conversation in August of 2007 and it’s continued for the last (almost) nine years. It’s do-able.
Ah these stories are so inspiring! A first relationship that survived that much distance for that long…that’s definitely book-worthy!
While on vacation ten years ago, I met a cute English guy. We had a long conversation but I was leaving the next day, so we exchanged email addresses. It was slow at first but we emailed more and more frequently until we were talking every day. We set up Skype “dates” where we watched the same movie at the same time, or ate together. We couldn’t afford a lot of flights, but we managed to meet in person enough times to know we could make it work. So, two years after meeting, I moved to England and married him. It’s been awesome. I’ve never regretted a thing.
My partner and I lived in the same city for the first 11 months or so of our relationship, as I was applying to PhD programs and preparing to move away. Long story short, I moved, we broke up, I started dating someone else, my then-ex made one last incredibly romantic play for me and I ditched the new guy and we got back together. So minus a 3-month break we’ve been together for 4.5 years. 3 of these were long distance (with summers and winter breaks together), and I moved halfway across the country to be with him this past summer.
One thing about the communication: everyone does it differently and no way is inherently better or worse. Neither my boyfriend nor I are particularly big phone talkers, so we primarily texted with 1-2 weekly phone calls. For other couples in LDRs this would be unfathomable — many of my friends in LDRs are constantly on Skype, always on the phone, etc. That just didn’t work for us, but texting did. I think, like many couples, our communication could have been better, but I’m not sure that talking on the phone more would have fixed that (given our particular quirks). Really we each had to learn to be honest about what we wanted.
I think it also worked well for us because we were both incredibly busy and career-focused, and because I was in my early 20s when we got together and I still needed to have the experience of living on my own.
How nice that you’ve found someone that you are so excited about and interested in! I think long-distance relationships can be challenging but they are also great to really determine if you want to be with someone and whether they want to be with you.
My husband and I have been together for 6 years now and 3 years of that was long-distance; and 2 years of that was an open-relationship. Being casual worked great at first, until it didn’t. There were times when it wasn’t easy, but like I said those were also the moments that made both of us see that it was definitely worth it.
Obsessing over communication or the lack-there-of happens to almost anyone I think. The best thing you can do is make yourself busy and not read into things. I hope it turns out great for you!
Unhappy LDR: he moved after we graduated to a country pretty much as far away as it could be, with no end date and no real plan. It sucked, and after I saved up all my money and time off from the entire first year I worked, he broke up with me right after I got back to the states. Ugh. I hate that I spent my first year in my new job and new city on hold for someone else to use me as emotional support until he got fully settled. I also did not like being told when he thought he would move back only to have it change the next week, then change back, etc.
Happy: A plan to have a fling turned into something with feelings. We talked from the very start about what it meant to go into it. When we started dating we set up the next time we’d see each other, we agreed that we’d talk about 5 months in about the plan and that the LDR part had a shelf life of a year tops. We even talked about what we saw in terms of our relationships in the next few years. It was blunt but not actually that hard to do, since it was really only worth it for us to go through the LDR with a sense of what the goal was.
I recommend thinking through your endgame and don’t be afraid to say it before you get the ball rolling. People get into trouble when they say they’re fine with something they’re really NOT fine with. You have to lay it all out there. It’s pretty intense, but if you are going to go to the expense and trouble of being with someone you have to fly to see, you gotta know why you both think it’s worth it, and know how or when or what milestone will start the transition to the same place.
LDR can be great for couples: it clarifies trust and your love is really about if you like their brain. The bad side is that you don’t get to know how you are day to day together and you still operate independently that when the time comes, it can be hard to decide to be a unit and sacrifice. Every visit is this magic sex vacation where no one gets mad about chores, there’s no daily grind, it’s easy to idealize how perfect your relationship during visits.
Also…it’s going to hurt. I say this kindly with a lot of love. I don’t know that you will be “torn to shreds” but you are taking a risk, as you do with all love, and it’s a lonely risk. It’s hard when you are waiting for someone to call you back and you think you know why you haven’t heard from them, but it’s still driving you nuts. It’s hard seeing things and wanting this other person to see and experience them with you. I think done right the hurt isn’t a bad thing exactly, but you do think “what did I get myself into?”
I do think you’ll need to have improved communication if you are really going to go for it. The only times I doubted us was when we went too long without talking. Sometimes we’d just FaceTime and watch a movie together on our separate devices or hang out eating and reading while video chatting. Sometimes we’d have long phone conversations or do quizzes from the internet or read each other short stories or other articles we liked. We said goodnight to each other every night too, even it was only an emoji. Or traded photos of our faces right in the moment.
It can work. I think avoiding something you really want because it might go badly is a bad bet. Things rarely are all good or all bad, all the right choice or all the wrong choice. My friend said, before the LDR that didn’t work out, would you rather be the kind of person who takes chances or the kind of person who doesn’t do stuff because it might not work? I still don’t regret being that kind of person even if I regret not breaking up with him sooner. I was the person who went all in and I’m still proud of that.
I am super late to this, but I am throwing a Leap Day Party a la 30 Rock on Monday. I found a blue dress covered in lemons (Wordplay!) that I’m really excited about. We’ve got tons of blue and yellow crepe paper and balloons. I was planning on making rhubarb simple syrup this weekend for drinks. So, any recommendations for rhubarb cocktails? Can I even find rhubarbs this time of year? Any ideas for other things I should add?
Oh, man, this is a genius idea and I wish my friends weren’t too busy to indulge me in this sort of thing. I love stuff like Galentine’s Day and celebrating Leap Day! Yay for you!
Oh man my graduate program is having a recruitment party this weekend that is leap day themed NOT ala 30 rock and my dude (who is not in my graduate program but is coming to the party) really wants to go dressed as Leap Day William.
He should totally do it! I actually have a friend named David Williams, so we will have an actual Leap Dave Williams in residence which I am unreasonably excited about.
It kind of sounds like this party was destined to be???
I hope so! I’ll let you know if anyone manages to grow gills. 🙂
That sounds so awesome! I wish you could bring your party to my work!
(I am going to dress in blue and yellow for work though. I even made jewelry especially for the occasion.)
It makes my heart so happy to know that someone is keeping the spirit of Leap Dave Williams alive.
To the city-wide ice maze!
It’s a bit early for fresh rhubarb in the states but if your Search comes up empty, your liquor store might carry Rhubarb Tea (a very strong spirit made locally to me!) and I know Fee Brothers makes a Rhubarb bitters, I usually find it in fancy grocery stores that carry a million kinds of bitters.
I can’t wait to hear about it! I dressed up today and no one else in the whole city did. I thought for sure it would have occurred to other people. I only know of one other Facebook long distance friend who dressed up (and also had a Leap Day miracle where she nearly forgot about an expiring gift card for chicken soup! Soul train. Chicken soup for the soul. Chicken soup. Soup kitchen!)
I just started listening to this musical, I think it’s called Hamiltons? Maybe some of you have heard it, it’s pretty good.
i know it came out a while ago and i’m late to the party but how could I have known this album is so great?? it’s not like i visit a website on a daily basis who’s co-creator and entire commenting section unendingly sing the praises of this play
anyway, I feel real dumb for waiting so long to listen to something that literally hundreds of people told me was great
tomorrow there’ll be more of us!
Welcome! It’s NEVER too late! 🙂
me too! I thought…oh, FINE I guess I’ll give it a listen… And then I burst into tears at work listening to ‘the hamiltons move uptown’. Ooops.
(I’m sad I’ll almost certainly never get to see it, since I live in the uk, but on the other hand, I have cursed child tickets so…swings and roundabouts?)
Hamilton will come to London in 2017, Cameron Mackintosh has decreed it will be so. And I may have also made offerings to various supernatural entities to ensure that it really does happen.
You are one of today’s lucky 10,000! Congratulations! 🙂
Hello Toasties!
I feel proud of myself for something I did this week and I want to share it with you guys.
So I work part time at my church office and the church got a letter from a group that is basically a crisis pregnancy centre (anti-abortion counselling, etc.) that is trying to get enough funding to open an office in my small northern Canadian town. My church is not anti-abortion and so probably won’t support them, but the letter made me mad. In a closer anger infused reading of it, I noticed one line that said ‘A source close to the local medical community says there are X number of abortions performed here weekly.’
To me, that sounds like someone is possibly sharing private information that they shouldn’t. So I sent an email to the health authority that oversees our hospital telling them about the letter and about my concern that there is someone on their staff that is sharing private patient information.
They haven’t gotten back to me yet, but I feel good about doing something about it. Maybe the group is just making up numbers, maybe not. Either way, I think I might send an email to our local cbc radio program to let them know about the group and also share with them some data on the kinds of horrible practices these clinics usually use to dissuade people from legal abortions. Maybe they’ll do a story on it and help inform people about what these places really do.
So that’s my feminist/reproductive rights work for this week!
Thank you! I work in an abortion clinic and we really need all the allies we can get 🙂
Thank you for doing the very important work that you do!
Excellent feminist-ing! I remember receiving rage inducing claptrap in church mail too.
A word of caution: your personnel committee might not love the congregation’s mail being used in a public political way. Maybe separate out your research and action from your job opening the mail.
Awesome work!
NYC toasts! If I remember correctly, there is a meetup tonight, no? RPM bar? Time? I’m excited to leave my winter hibernation!
This week I started a new medication (wooo depression) and now I can’t poop. (Well, I can, but I’m at once per 24 hours instead of 3 times a day as per my very regular normal.) It is miserable!!!!!!!! Why hasn’t Science figured out side-effect free drugs yet. How long do I need to put up with this before I tell my doctor I can’t deal? I know that anti depressant side effects can wear off but my god I don’t want to wait for this. It is uncomfortable. (I’m also so bloated I look minorly pregnant. Stomachs are weird.)
Tell your doctor sooner rather than later. I wish I’d been able to identify the side effects of my old med as side effects, but I didn’t, so lived in a terribly bloaty and cramped and virtually poop-free realm for a good year. TELL YOUR DOC.
…this quite literally brought tears to my eyes. I’m so frickin sorry you were dealing with that for so long. (also thank you for the validation.)
Been there. I’m so sorry. It’s miserable, isn’t it. It was my pharmacist who saved me. Excellent advice. No appointment, no copay. Just go ask for a private session with your pharmacist. At least, that’s how it works here in the US. Not sure where you are.
Would you mind telling me a bit more about that actually? My doctor is really good about emails/phone calls to answer quick questions, but I’m pretty sure her advice will be to either give it a few days and see if it goes away, or stop the meds now (not ideal because my special snowflake body has reacted badly to several antidepressants). I’ve never asked a pharmacist about this kind of thing, so I’m curious what they might say! (Also, you have replied to several of my posts about mental health/meds and I just want to say thank you, because you always have such good suggestions and kind words.)
My pharmacist gave me samples of multiple kinds of gentle laxatives, with advice for which ones to try first. Her strategy was to start with a strong one she knew would be effective, then for me to use the others in order from mildest to stronger. She also gave me instruction. How long to wait, how long not to wait, before taking a laxative. What time of day and how to take the laxatives. What bad laxative side effects to be alert for and what to do about each.
My favorite ended up being Senecot. It’s expensive, but I don’t need it often. About once a week. It’s gentle, so maybe not right for your current situation.
Take care not to overdo laxatives. They can kill you. I’m serious. I knew a woman whose death certificate reads “suicide” because she took an OTC laxative when in the hospital without telling her nurses. She didn’t know there was laxative in her IV already and she overdosed accidentally. It was not her only foolish act, but it was her last.
If I take Senecot I wait a full 24 hours before taking any more. Then another 24 hours and only a 1/2 dose. If still no relief after 3 doses (and 5 days without pooping), it’s an emergency and I call my doc.
And when on the meds that constipate me, I hydrate like a MOFO. I make my favorite tea in giant cappuccino cups and make sure I drink one every two hours. My daily routine, at all times, includes a tall glass of fruit juice, so that helps too.
I hope you get relief soon. Let me know if I’ve been unclear. I’m rooting for you. ::Toasthugs::
Thank you so much!! This is all stuff I wouldn’t have known (or wouldn’t have thought to try and find out, honestly).
Have you tried adding Colace or Milk of Magnesia? I went through a minor similar thing and it seemed to help at the time.
Do you take a probiotic? I recommend it all the time but it might get things a-moving and you can get them over the counter…
idk if it will help, but prunes and nuts and bananas are all foods that aid digestion (prunes are delicious, that they are not are lies foisted on us by media and also prune juice, and bananas are magic for “regulating” poops both ways). There are also pretty gentle yoga poses that you can do that will help with digestion (I like this one http://www.yogajournal.com/slideshow/8-poses-bett… and lying down twists, because generally i am not a fan of working while bloated and gassy). O, and of course, digestive cookies. If you’re gopnna be bunged up, may as well eay delicious things, no?
Damn, there is a yoga pose for everything!
Stool softeners work differently than laxatives and are gentler, IMHO, but I am not a doctor or pharmacist.
ladies! i will remember this week with the hashtag #babysfirstjoboffer, because i got offered a position at the company i interned with! this is unendingly exciting / now i will be able to finish my masters with a hefty dose of whimsy and senioritis.
and it in no small part makes up for the DRAMATIC SELF-PITY i experienced (and inflicted) throughout all of next week.
anyone else feeling like karma is finally swinging in their direction, for the big things or the small things?
Congratulations! That’s so exciting!
I feel like some of the big things are going my way too and it’s a pleasant surprise!
HA, last week, not next week… i hope that i shall not be inflicting my mess on people once again next week!
Congrats! That’s awesome! Getting a job is such a good feeling, and it’s refreshing when the “internship turns into job” thing actually goes the way it’s supposed to.
After having a monumentously shitty 2015, I feel like things are looking up again for my partner and I. We are going to Iceland next week, and after we get home we get to start looking into adopting a dog!! So exciting!
iceland! dogs! greatness!
but seriously, v jealous of iceland– i keep seeing all these gorgeous pictures and i don’t understand why i’m not there right. now.
This will be buried but I need to vent about our new hire at my office. This is going sound petty and dramatic. But I do not like this man. To start with he is the most generic White Male you can imagine, with the bonus of having tiny little eyes and a jawline like a shark. He reminds me of Mitt Romney, with a touch of young Dick Cheney. He is getting paid 3.5 times what I am getting paid, which I found out through overhearing the wrong (right?) conversation at the right (wrong?) time. I’m not fussed about that so much, but it feels like already gets more respect from our mutual boss than our team’s other employees, including me, which is annoying.
Clearly this is a subjective judgment because he’s been working with us for only a week and he’s not bad so far but Toast, I also just feel really, really weird about him.
I had a very intense, like, almost visceral bad feeling the moment I met him. If I met this guy in a social setting he is exactly the sort of man I would avoid out of fear he would like, slip me a Roofie or something. I felt this so intensely while I was talking to him that I had to really force myself to smile. I knew he would get hired though because he is a clone of some members of upper management (whom I am not fond of either but at least I don’t have to interact with them every day?)
So I don’t what to do about this. Well, there’s nothing I can do. I had the opportunity to interview him but I just told Boss I liked him because the interview is really only a formality for someone who will outrank me anyway, and “I have a bad feeling about him” is not a good case to make against someone with a background and skillset like his. If anybody has any tips on how to work with someone who both intimidates you and creeps you out that would be welcome at this time.
Read the book, “In Sheep’s Clothing-Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People,” by George Simon. You can read Ch 1 and 2, then skip to 10 for immediate help. You may be having a very good gut reaction to a covertly agressive person and you will need to get some “skills.”
Thanks Tarragoner, I will check out that book.
I was afraid this was what I was feeling. I’ve dealt with a manipulative/ scary person in my life before but he was not a married, clean-cut employee with an excellent resume… so there were other red flags to go on besides just a subjective feeling of “no get away.”
Good luck! Sorry, I never get notifications from Intense Debate and I have a hard time finding my posts on OT…
Another strategy is to be really really really boring.
This person sounds godawful and all I can say is, follow your instincts. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this!
I have a guy like this at my work and my advice is to approach him as you would a predatory animal. Look him in the eye and don’t back down. I am generally very neutral and will talk about the weather with him etc but when he says something awful I channel Regina George and give him a look that says ‘you are garbage and I don’t give a shit what you think of me’. He always appears to get the message.
Polite and distant. Tight smiles, be busy if he comes around to chat, give him no ammunition. If you start like this in the first few weeks, establishing firm, unspoken boundaries, it should take for the rest of his time there.
Do trust your gut, though.
I trust your judgment. Do you? I hope you do. Trust that bad feeling. Your body knows. This person is dangerous.
Thanks RoseCamelia. Bodies do know stuff like this. I started thinking about my abusive ex which is usually a red flag that someone new I’ve met is BAD NEWS. Not that all bad people are bad the way he was bad but you know. Thanks <3
You are (as always) full of great advice today.
So, Patrick Bateman?
Ohhh god. Probably? Hopefully not!
Trust your instincts, be professional towards him, and (if he has authority over your job tasks) keep a close eye on any new tasks or changes he might propose that seem “off.” I once had a similar feeling about a new boss that everyone else thought was just great – he was an internal transfer and people would tell me unsolicited how lucky I was to work for him.
Well… not one full year later, boss gets fired. Turns out he had been embezzling from his old position for YEARS, and was only caught because the person who succeeded him asked for an audit because she couldn’t figure out why the budget didn’t add up. In thinking back on it, there were a number of odd conversations we had where he was very probably testing to see if I would either help him falsify expense reports or be oblivious enough to let him get away with it. I am also fairly sure he scuttled my planned promotion to a position that would have given me direct oversight of our budget and blamed it on HR.
I hope that whatever weirdness you are picking up it’s something that won’t actually impact your work, but just keep an eye out.
I’m creeped out just from your description – I’m sure he’s trouble in the making. In addition to the other great advice, I would do whatever I could to avoid direct job-related things with him. Inasmuch as you can keep your work responsibilities from overlapping, even if it means creatively restructuring a thing or two, do it. Every point of contact with him is going to be a sharp burr you can – and should – live without.
Does anyone have advice on where I might get some sort of suit-type-thing that I could wear to a wedding? (It is going to be a very fancy and traditional wedding and I don’t like dresses.) Thank youuuuu!!
On an unrelated note, does anyone else have this thing where they post a comment and then it posts twice so they delete one and then it deletes both?
Are you thinking suit suit or jump suit? (Either way, awesome fashion choice.)
Thanks! 🙂 I’m thinking suit-suit.
Thanks! 🙂 I’m thinking suit-suit.
It might not be what you’re looking for, but I got a tux for a black tie wedding at (very creatively-named) hertuxedo.com , and was reasonably pleased with it! They have a better size range than other places I was looking (though still not great, only up to US 20).
Ooh that does look really cool though. Thanks!
Something of potential toast interest: I was finishing up Bomboozled: How the U.S. Government Misled Itself and Its People into Believing They Could Survive a Nuclear Attack this morning (interesting pictures, not really heavy on the analysis though and I didn’t see much about how the government misled itself).
This was BY FAR the most shiny of gems, however: a house in Vegas built completely underground (there is another smaller house on top of it but it’s not even clear if the owners lived in that house at all):
“The two-bedroom, three-bathroom underground home might be the most peculiar in Las Vegas. Built beneath a typical, suburban two-story house, the bunker home spans more than 5,000 square feet and is part of a 15,200-square-foot basement that also features a casita.
The subterranean refuge seems designed to stave off boredom and claustrophobia. It has a four-hole putting green, a swimming pool, two jacuzzis, a sauna, a dance floor with a small stage, a bar, a barbecue and huge murals of rural, tranquil settings.
The home, with unchanged “Brady Bunch” decor, also has a laundry room, a kitchen, a fireplace, a generator, fake trees, fake flowers, two elevators, fire alarm bells, smoke detectors, an intercom system and several large pantries.
Light switches labeled “Sunset,” “Day,” “Dusk” and “Night” mimic lighting conditions at those times by dimming or brightening lights and stars on the ceiling, which is painted sky blue with white clouds.”
The man who had it built in the 70s even specifically requested that the “views” be his favorite places: New Jersey where he grew up, New Zealand where he made some sheep money (IDK). There is a BBQ that is made to look like a rock except it looks like a fake Star Trek rock.
There is a full tour here.
Does this remind anyone else of “Blast From the Past” featuring dynamic duo Alicia Silverstone and Brendan Fraser?
I remember the house at the end of the movie being very much like this…
I was hoping the first comment on this would be about that movie. Toast, you do not disappoint.
I respect the efforts to mirror natural lighting, but I know for a FACT that I would still get claustrophobic in there without any windows. What a nightmare.
There’s part of me that’s thinks it’s horrifying and another part that’s weirdly drawn to it. It’s like a life-sized dollhouse!
There is something really heartbreakingly sad about the painted murals of bucolic nature and placidly grazing cows. Like, hey, make sure you remember all the nice stuff that we nuked to shit while you cower in your hole.
Even better, an apparently shadowy group bought it a couple years ago: spooooky
So based on some quick internet sleuthing, the 501(c)(3) contact is Mark Voelker and the place is listed as a museum, but Mark Voelker appears to live there?
Voelker is also a long time customer with Alcor Cryonics. Maybe he wants to freeze himself down there?
SOOOOOO creepy. I really like the built-in toaster, though!
I mean what are you going to do with your sheep money BESIDES use it to put trompe l’oeil views of vastly incongruent landscapes in your underground nuclear fallout bunker off the Vegas Strip?
It has been a while since I’ve been up early enough to comment. I have a job! Wooo!
It’s only part time (and I’m volunteering the other part time, which helped me get the damn thing), but I feel SO MUCH better already. Just being able to be in an office, and be treated as a colleague, and not to feel ashamed of my days any more, and not to feel like such a burden on my partner.
So yay for that. Anyone else in the same boat?
Good for you! I’m currently unemployed but have plans to start volunteering at an organization I love, and I’m really looking forward to having something to fill my time and make me feel useful until I can find a job. It’s also great to hear that volunteering resulted in a job for you, as I’m hoping that will happen for me!
Without the volunteering I don’t think I would have got the gig, it’s nice having something (anything, oh god anything) on your CV. And it’s so nice feeling somewhat useful again! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
Thanks! 🙂
Good going !
Thanks =)
Yay! I am in the same boat as well. Just started working part-time and it makes SUCH a difference in every part of my life.
Hope to eventually get to the point where I do not equate so much of my feelings of self-worth with my level of employment but for now I am just happy to feel like I am Contributing To Society again. Whatever that means.
Congratulations! And Yay! for volunteering and Yay! for supportive partners!
I have stopped falling in love. I cannot summon the energy. I think it’s “the change.” Which makes me wonder if the entire love thing is just an evolutionary thing run by hormones to get you to procreate. And now that my hormones have done their thing, show’s over. I just really really wish I had been like this in my 20s, I would have accomplished so much more.
It’s also possible that I finally have achieved a higher level of self-esteem, self-confidence, self-awareness and I no longer need anyone. So, I’d really have to want them. Have a great weekend!
Sounds like you’re about to start a really productive and interesting period of growth.
Have you read this piece by Laurie Penny? Your comment kinda reminded me of it, though she’s on a more socio-political side of the love equation, and how it can eff up your plans.
That was a very interesting read, thank you! I’m sort of idly curious about if/when I might finally give up the ghost in terms of trying to find an equal partnership. And some of that makes me sad (should it really be this hard in the 21st century to find someone with hobbies NOT sortofkindof looking for a maid and sex-on-tap) and a lot of it makes me very very tired.
Where I push back against what she’s saying is on the whole “friends and lovers” axis (and maybe this is a product of me in my 30s and not my 20s, IDK). I am totally down with the idea of having casual sex partners! In practice I’ve found that it’s basically as hard as finding good dates: someone who’s safe, someone who’s egalitarian in bed, someone who doesn’t think that you’re going to totally fall in love with them because their genitals are magic, someone without a sexual double standard. Heck, I’ve had problems with people assuming a sleeve of tattoos means that I’m down for whatever and have needed several forceful “nos” to get them to stop trying whatever it is that they’re hellbent on trying.
I saw more of my friends in my 20s as well. Now that basically all of them are married/in long term relationships and most of them have had at least one kid we just don’t hang out. And I totally understand that life changes = reshuffling priorities, I’ve just found the act of being single is not as rosy as it once was, so there are some issues of loneliness that I need to work through with that.
There are super spinsters out there, in a similar boat, that I guarantee want someone to hang with. (Also, totally agree re: friends/lovers bit)
Same. I kind of feel like romantic love is not in the cards for me anymore. I mean, no one can predict the future, but I’d be very surprised! And also I just don’t care. It’s very comfortable and freeing to not worry about it. And, likewise, I wish I enjoyed myself this much when I was in my 20s, but hey. Now is good.
So, I don’t know what I would say love is, and I don’t know that I’d go as far to say as it’s hormones alone because some people do find deeply satisfying love in their later life, but it’s cool if that’s not for me.
Same here. A man would have to be REALLY really really amazing to make me love him more than I love being alone. I also wish I had been like this in my 20s. I’m hoping to help my nieces have more self-confidence and self-happiness.
The spouse left sunday for A State Far Away to work A Good Job on a senate campaign for 8 months. I’m actually feeling pretty OK about it and planning all sorts of dorky outings for myself and bought a 10-class yoga pass and am cultivating some new-ish friendships (god, am I the type of person who says “cultivating friendships”? apparently I am). I have also realized that drinking tea and reading toast comment threads is my coping mechanism while bummed out at work this week. So thank you all.
This week, I finally landed an assignment at an awesome publication I love! I’m so excited!!
I don’t mean to yell but WHERE ARE THE TOAST TOTE BAGS????!!!!!!
SECONDING THE NOT-YELLING
MERCH!
So happy it’s pay day!
Anyway, I am fighting a losing battle with laziness – I just can’t get excited about cleaning the house, filling the bird feeders, sorting through all my bills and receipts, etc. What I really want to do is lie on the sofa and watch tv, daydream, or nap. I seriously have to force myself to do anything but work, eat, and sleep. This has been going on for a long time, and the bathroom is getting pretty gross.
I get ideas for projects or chores, and my immediate response is (Yes, I talk to myself) ‘We both know you’re not going to do that.’
And so it goes, on and on, and it’s a bit disheartening. I often think of all the things I could be accomplishing, that I am not.
Is this laziness or something closer to depression? Because it sounds a bit more like the latter. I mean, I don’t know anyone who wants to clean the bathroom, but if you really cannot get excited about *anything* in your life — if nothing is bringing you any kind of joy — that is something to be concerned about, dear toast friend.
I have fought depression my whole life. It could be, but if it is, it’s not as painful as it used to be, for which I am grateful.
I’m in a similar boat, though I started getting more help for the depression a couple months ago. I had bought my Christmas tree, brought it into the house and set it up, and then I didn’t even feel like decorating it, something I normally LOVE. That’s when I realized “OH, it’s depression again.” It was not a major depression, and I was already on meds, but I just hadn’t ever recovered after my soulmate cat died a few months earlier. (Now I’m on new meds and having little phone therapy appointments and it’s helping me feel more like myself.)
I’m in a very low-motivation phase, too. It might just be February-related, for me, but it IS disheartening. I’m trying to stay on top of my vitamins, especially D, to see if that helps.
May I recommend a(n app? I guess?) called IDoneThis? Really helps me get shit done. But also: energy waxes and wanes; you don’t have to be productive all the dang time. Maybe you need some time not doing things, it may be uncomfortable, but it might also be revealing.
I’m also in a productivity lull, and trying not to be hard on myself about it. I’m not even knitting in the evenings, just slumping on the couch looking at Tumblr. I have been taking a “do one thing” approach. Tuesday I took out the recycling! Last night I bought dog food! I just pick one thing that is most nagging and do that, and then give myself permission to hit the couch. Tuesday I felt so good about the recycling that I picked up my knitting while watching Agent Carter.
Yes, doing one thing is good! My sort-of-therapist has been reminding me to remember that good feeling once it’s done, and how good the reward feels afterwards (TV and hobbies). So I keep repeating that mantra to myself: “Remember that feeling!”
Honestly, it’s been years since I was really excited about something. Possibly stability is the best I can hope for.
What things have you previously been excited about?
I had to think about that, and it’s been so long, I don’t remember. Sad, really. Maybe my last tattoo? That was 2 years ago.
Could it be time to start planning for another tattoo?
This has just been solidly the worst week ever.
Rejections came in from 8/13 grad schools I applied to. I shouldn’t have sent in so many applications, except that all I have now is one yes from a school that’s very far away from home, one waitlist, and an acceptance into a master’s program I’d love to attend but no word on funding yet and I’d just have to reapply for my phD next year.
My boyfriend and I broke up after four years. We’ve been long distance almost all that time, and lately things have been really hard because we’ve both been going through some stuff, but I was really looking forward to us finally living together next year, and he doesn’t even want to give it a try. I really miss him.
Also, my thesis draft is due and I’ve just been too sad to finish it.
/whining
That sounds like a really rough place to be in. I had a similar trifecta of thesis deadlines, terrible breakup, and job applications toward the end of grad school, and it was probably the worst I’ve ever felt. But you can and will get through this; be gentle with yourself until then.
Internet hugs/support/solidarity/good vibes
So sorry for your hard times. Hope things pick up!
So many hugs for you. I know that feeling when you desperately want to try and find hope in a relationship with obstacles, but the other person has given up. It is shit. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.
I am so sorry–that is a big ol’ sack of shit. Can you give yourself a day or two off to sit with this new situation, and then get back to your thesis? That usually helps me when I’ve been smacked sideways by life.
*hug* I truly hope things improve soon.
Is anyone else a fan of the webcomic Check, Please! because OMG THE UPDATE TODAY!!!
YES YES YES OMG
literally counting down work hours til i can go home and reread the most recent updates & then roll around in fic
Thing I am in love with: Bitty’s choice of “I am heartbroken but I am WORKING THROUGH IT” Beyonce tunes.
I have died of happiness and the last panel is now my computer background
RIGHT? OMG FINALLY. FINALLY.
YES!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i can’t check it until I leave work but O M G now I am even more excited/nervous
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Ahhh I didn’t read carefully enough and posted the same question downthread.
My reaction: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Update: I keep on just rereading it. Also I love check please so much I legitimately might reread from the beginning this weekend to bask in this even more.
THERE’S ANOTHER ONE
WHAT DOES THE TEXT SAY
UGH! Car just broke down, stupid car.
My poor car got towed to the shop this morning. Turns over but won’t start. The big farm truck’s brake lights and turn signals are out. The little John Deere farm utility vehicle (gator) won’t start at all — I suspect rats chewed some crucial wiring. We are down to just the little truck. 75% of our vehicles are down! It must be bad vehicle luck week.
Started up, drove to Goodwill, dropped off some clothes, started up rough and half a mile later it sounded like maybe not enough fuel was getting to the engine or maybe it wasn’t igniting.
Still I was going to take it in soonish anyway to try and get the horrible oil leak taken care of, this just moves that up a bit.
My car breaks down whenever I have too much spare cash.
Forgive me if someone else has posted this already, but do Toasties know that the new book by Sofia Samatar (A Stranger in Olondria) will be available March 1st? It’s called Winged Histories, and I am very much excited!
Congrats Bartender! Also, Toasts, I brought this up in Link Roundup the other day when Nicole said what we were all thinking (birth and new parenthood is very, very hard), but I am still collecting links concerning postpartum mental health. (Thank you to those who have already shared! I have saved your suggestions.)
I think I am particularly looking for good narrative writing from the perspective of women/people who experienced a dramatic shift in mental health after giving birth, particularly regarding anxiety and manic episodes. My goals are to learn more but also possibly to share some links with a friend who is struggling with postpartum anxiety, hoping that will help her feel less alone. But I’m not very well-informed in pregnancy-related topics and would welcome any articles, poems, studies, personal narratives, or other resources you think are relevant.
There’s a UK charity called Tommy’s with a bunch of personal stories on it’s website. And I guess you know about Ann Enright’s Making Babies and, of course, Birth Story. The podcast The Longest Shortest Time, too.
I only have my own experience with postpartum depression, but I’ll keep an eye out for any good links. Whatever is going on with your friend, it’s great that you’re there for her.
Any Toasts watch the 100? Everywhere that usually talks about it is devoting their entire recaps/coverage to one particularly stupid character, and I’d love to talk about anything else- political situation in Polis, Octavia being awesome, Monty being conflicted, being so glad a certain character didn’t die in battle, the City of Light, Jaha being even crazier than we realized over the City of Light, etc.
yes i love that show! Octavia should be in charge of everything.
People should definitely listen to Octavia more. If Bellamy listened to Octavia more, he wouldn’t have helped Pike murder a bunch of people.
One thing I like about the total wreck at Arkadia is what it implies about Clarke’s leadership. So many shows would tell you a character is a good leader and then show no meaningful difference between their leadership and anyone else’s, but Arkadia falls the hell apart after Clarke takes off.
I am starting to get a little frustrated though that SO many problems could have been solved early by characters just sitting down and having an actual conversation. Like, oh, you found all the Farm Station people! Why wasn’t the first thing they did sit down with them and say “here is everything we’ve been through and this is what we think about the grounders. ok now your turn”
I knowwww it’s just a show and it’s supposed to be exciting but I am going to get real annoyed if they cut a lot of corners like that!
It would also be nice to know what’s up with the Farm Station people that makes them hate Grounders so much. I wonder if they’ll retroactively explain the lack of communication with something the FSers are hiding- definitely think people lied about Monty’s dad dying a hero, and we know Pike’s lying to everyone about the extent of his murders.
Yes, more talking and more backstory could solve so much. Last week’s Bellamy/Clarke conversation soothed over at least some of my anger as to what the fuck B thinks he’s doing. Not all, but him talking about feeling betrayed/abandoned by Clarke after their shared trauma made a lot more sense than him avenging the death of that girl whose name I don’t remember. I just wish the show had introduced some more motivation BEFORE he decided to murder a bunch of people.
Pike needs some backstory ASAP. Kane was awful in season one, so I’m pretty sure The 100 could make Pike less one-note and more sympathetic (or at least understandable), but they need to get on that shit like yesterday.
Hello! I am going to watch this week’s in less than 2 hours (!!!!!), so I can reply after that. I am fascinated by Polis/the Grounder political system, and am delighted by the City of Light story line since Raven is now involved, and will definitely have things to say about other plot developments once I know what they are.
Edit: Update – lol I have no self control and decided to watch it just after I posted this comment instead of accomplishing life tasks. Whatever.
Yay for watching! Holy shit at the fallen 13th station just being RIGHT THERE WITH TITUS WHO’S TORTURING MURPHY. They did a nice job leading back into 13th station stuff by layering mentions through the first few episodes, like when Clarke asked Abby if she wanted Skaikru to be the 13th clan or the 13th station.
Also glad Lexa called Clarke out on wanting to kill Emerson at first. I love how Lexa secretly wants less violence but has to balance it with her public perception as Earth’s biggest badass.
With all of the, “You’ll be in pain for the rest of your life,” stuff, I’m expecting Emerson to somehow get on the City of Light train, and I am looking forward to where that will go.
Jaha’s “Wells?” was devastating, even more so since that probably means that Raven wasn’t upset about Finn’s ashes because she’s forgotten about him.
And I love that Lexa can spear a bitch when it’s necessary (Ice Queen), but will still go for mercy when possible. She’s just a sane, competent leader (in the Clarke/Bellamy parallel storylines, so much better that Clarke is playing second fiddle to Lexa vs. Bellamy/Pike).
(SPOILERS FOR NEXT WEEK FOLLOW)
Next episode is called “Thirteen” and definitely has some flashbacks in it, and I will be so excited if it covers more of the 12 coming together and the 13th being lost. I agree that they’ve worked the 13th station stuff in subtly but well this season, which is giving me more faith in the writers. I am not even sure what to think about the Titus/Murphy/13th station *head kaboom*.
Ooh, I really like the Emerson-to-CoL theory. Makes perfect sense too.
I really hate the complaints that Lexa is just making decisions for Clarke. Yeah, they should both be asking for Pike’s head on a literal platter, but we’ve gotten hints since Lexa was introduced that she’s interested in mercy/peace. This iteration of “blood must not have blood” is a bigger jump than she’s used to making, but she didn’t wipe out Ice Nation for Costia or demand all of Skaikru die for Finn’s idiocy either. I loooove her and Clarke leading together (and Clarke drawing her made me squee).
(SPOILER RESPONSE)
I am so excited to see flashbacks! I hope the producers didn’t burn the Ark sets when they crashed it. RE: Titus, I wonder if Lexa knows he has Murphy, or if Lexa knows about the 13th station stuff.
I might be snowed in this weekend and I’m tempted to Netflix binge again…
Continuing to come here and rattle about my impending end-of-marriage, because this is the first place online where I was believed about any of it. This gets… abuse-and-transphobia-flavored unpleasant, I’m sorry.
So I got a call last week from hopefully-an-ex-soon’s attorney. They’re a produce clerk and laundromat attendant, I have no idea how they plan to PAY an attorney.
I’ve begun to refer to this whole situation as “the Unpleasantness”, just because that lets me be vague about it. And because it covers everything – the restraining order, the way my body seems to have turned against me after so long being so afraid, the moment that keeps replaying in my head where I could hear them pounding on the door and screaming my name and I was so, so sure that if I answered the door or stepped into the line of sight of the front porch they would shoot me.
A magistrate believed me. I have a temporary restraining order; the hearing to see if it goes into full effect is on Monday at 2 PM EST.
I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired. My testosterone levels are barely elevated for a woman, for a 26-year-old man they’re scary-low, and I finally got the IUD that had been causing constant bleeding and pain taken out just three days ago. Woke up on Wednesday and nearly cried because for the first time since December, I didn’t hurt and there wasn’t blood on my thighs. The endocrinologist who Heavily Suggested that I get it asked me if my gender identity had shifted any with the end of the relationship, since “eighteen to twenty-six is a long time”. I am and remain a sad nelly boy who was once a girl. (Don’t let me get on about the Acceptable Trans Narrative and how I feel like that pressured me to rewrite my entire childhood, we’ll be here ’til the next open thread and/or the return home of the proverbial cows….) I wasn’t able to stick up for myself when the office called back and suggested I have a Talk with her over the phone; I have no idea when she plans on calling but I know I’ll be either too sober or too drunk to explain how much and why that hurt like it did to a Nice Cis Lady whose career is built on telling trans people how to be. (She’s one of the docs in charge of the gender clinic at the local children’s hospital. If she’d say something like that to an adult, my gods, what is she telling the kids and teenagers she comes in contact with?)
I don’t know what advice I’m asking for. How to survive all this, I guess. And if anyone knows a decent transgender-competent endocrinologist within 2 hours’ drive of Cincinnati, OH, well… no, I’m not asking for a friend, I’m asking for me.
Oh Ace! I hurt for you. Wishing you extra strength and restful sleep. You deserve to have everything you want. You deserve the very best. Wishing you excellent health care. Wishing I could personally protect you from harm. ::toasthugs::
Thank you. There’s a lot of old hardwired “AAAAAAH NO I DON’T DESERVE THAT DON’T WORRY OVER ME” to bypass to even be able to say that, but… thank you so much.
I’m sorry. Bad shit does tend to pass and you’ll get back to a better part of life soon – especially with the abusive ex now largely in your past rather than your present.
Would you be comfortable telling the doctor, in the tone of friendly feedback, how uncomfortable their comment made you? It might help them avoid saying something so tone deaf to someone else (or you again).
i don’t have any useful advice. i’m not entirely sure what to say at all. but i’m here and i’ve heard you and you will be in my thoughts. i hope this all works out and that you’re safe & happy ASAP.
here’s a hug if you want it —– *HUG*
misandry story time: prospective grad student weekend is coming up at my academia hellhole of choice, and my lovely friend (who in charge of organizing people to keep our shared grad student space clean and tidy) very sensibly sent an email to the grad student listserv with a signup sheet for various tasks that need to get done so we don’t frighten away the prospies.
so i click the link for the signup sheet, and SURPRISE only women have signed up. so i sent a snarky reply to the whole listserv expressing my SHOCK that no men had volunteered, and was immediately answered by 1) some dude emailing back saying that he basically is the problem and no, he’s not going to sign up or do anything, and 2) a guy who is NOT the problem signing up to clean.
i don’t really know what i was expecting. how are we supposed to get to the people who ARE the problem? are they just going to be the problem until they die? (is there any way to hurry that along…?)
(what i’m even MORE annoyed about is the fact that i couldn’t let myself send that email without first signing up for a task myself.)
Maybe someone could propose that the people who don’t help clean for the prospie visit have to clean for everything else for X amount of time? I mean, they probably won’t do anything, but at least everyone else in the program will know who to blame for the mess.
so, an update! the emailer in question and i had a very polite conversation about the whole thing and apparently, he had no idea whatsoever that i was pointing out an issue of systematic sexism, rather than a simple issue about few people volunteering. he also mentioned that his email was a joke about his personal lack of involvement in department affairs.
i think i believe him about this. he seemed very sincere when listening to me explain why i wrote what i wrote and how his subsequent email seemed to me in light of that, and after our conversation, he wrote a very well composed email to the entire listserv apologizing for what he said. so all around, a pretty great resolution! we’ll see if he continues to overcome his obliviousness in the future, but this was a good start! 🙂
Wow. You are going above and beyond, educating the menz. On behalf of all womankind, thank you.
I am discontented with my life for a variety of reasons, most of which have to do with the fact that my friends have all moved into the next lifephase of being married/having babies/etc and don’t have much time for me anymore. And I saw my psych yesterday and we talked about how the anti-depressants are great for keeping me functioning, but they, you know, don’t solve the actual existential issues I have with how empty my life feels. I’m just bummed.
That is such a thing for me too – I am 55 and single, and all my friends are married with kids these days. The time when I could call up friends on a whim and just go out to do something has passed.
And my drugs keep me from being depressed, but they won’t make me happy.
I’m feeling pretty much in the same place. :hug:
You’re not alone, friend.
This is a longshot but: can anyone point in the direction of some German-Turkish writers/artists/activists? It’s okay if the source is in German or Turkish (I read both poorly, but enough to get an idea)
Feridun Zaimoglu (writer), Fatih Akin (director). These come to my mind immediately, if I think of someone else later, I’ll edit this post.
Emine Sevgi Özdamar, Hatice Akyün, and …Cartel?
Crap, I took an entire course on German-Turkish literature in my first semester of college, but that was 13 years ago (good lord) and I’ve forgotten everything. Someone has already mentioned Özdamar and that’s the only name I can recall.
Toastbrarians, I have a very important question for you. WHAT KIND OF WEIRDO STEALS MICROFILM REELS? Do they have a reader at home? How does this sort of thing even happen.
Holding a reel of microfilm has been known to set off an uncontrollable kleptomaniacal urge in people who like to imagine themselves in cold war era spy films. Every James Bond/George Smiley microfilm-as-plot-macguffin trope bubbles up in the mind when one is holding an actual reel of microfilm, even if it only contains the archives of the Des Moines Register for September 1975.
This is not wrong. Well, for me it’s imagining I’m holding developed film to the light like a noir detective, but it’s the same impulse.
One thing I’ve learned about libraries is that people will steal anything. Literally anything.
Oh noooo, I already feel terrible for the next person who wants to use that reel!
I have a weird love/hate with microfilm reels. On the one hand they are so much information in teeny-tiny pictures which is two of my favorite stuff in one. On the other hand they make horrible plastic noises. And I get sea sick watching them whirr by. But I still love them.
Hello this is terribly random but I am PLEASED AS PUNCH.
I have this deep teal sweater I bought for like $4 from a Talbots Outlet back in November that has little buttons on the shoulder and it’s got a cable design? anyway it’s super Talbotty and the color is so great I wear it with a white collar shirt and dark jeans and feel so very Martha Stewart Casual Day in it, and it will be great with white shorts and my rainbow plaid espadrilles in summer, I’ll feel like I’m Audrey Hepburn on the boat in Sabrina or shit like that.
Last week GouletPens.com put an ink from De Atramentis on close-out because D.A. are changing the formula or it’s just not a great seller who knows it’s $3 off and I was like heck yeah 25% discount on a bottle of ink why not and I had it freshly in a new pen yesterday while wearing my amazing sweater and wouldn’t you know: they’re the exact same color. Even the shading of the ink on different kinds of papers matched the way the light hit my sweater.
It’s the De Atramentis “Midnight Blue” if you also need an ink in this perfect shade of teal that matches my amazing $4 sweater. Apparently it’s one of my favorite colors, because I notice my Fossil bag is only a few shades darker.
(I’ve been stressed about potential promotion at work stuff, because everything is dragging and I’ve not been given any official details and the way things are going, AAM’s advice would be “start looking elsewhere” and so I am taking great joy in little things like my perfectly matching sweater-and-new-fountain-pen-ink which are a beautiful color.)
Such a great colour! My mom, my sister, and I are all constantly drawn to all apparel and accessories in that colour range.
YES
Sometimes I feel a bit weird about it because EVERYTHING was teal-and-leopard in the mid-90s and ugh the traumatic memories of my mother’s lingerie drawer, but that was a much brighter color, not this lovely rich one. Still, my wardrobe would be almost entirely kelly green-dark teal-navy blue with bits of coral or berry for a warmer tone.
My favorite thing about Talbots is their supply of teal and apricot things. They’re my best colors and I can never find them.
It’s been a bizarre week. I am officially a finalist for a post-doctoral fellowship that I really, really wanted but had given up on, and I’ll be flown in for an on-campus interview. I was also unofficially informed that I’m going to be interviewed for my department’s post-doc after one of the two candidates to whom fellowships were offered declined it. It’s been a bad couple months in terms of rejections and so suddenly I am kind of stunned and giddy and also I need to write like a motherfucker, in the words of Dear Sugar, to get this dissertation done.
DO IT!!!! That is incredible, and I am so damn excited for you!!!
My fifth book is out on Monday.
FIVE.
That’s a lot of published books, y’all. Since #4 was just a month ago, it’s kind of sudden, this transition in my mind from ‘someone who writes books’ to ‘an Author.’ I’ve been planning on being ‘an Author’ since I was in 5th grade.
(Promo, obviously: Eye of the Tiger – it’s a contemporary romance. There’s a reverse-Cinderella thing happening, where she learns to let go of the security blanket of her polished appearance, and also he writes her dirty limericks all the time. And there are puns about pigs and banter about second-wave feminism and really annoying relatives. I love it. You’ll love it.)
Go you! And go me in reflected glory. IknowDakimelIRL!!! IknowDakimelIRL!!! IknowDakimelIRL!!!
You’ve eaten at the Home Where Five Books Were Written (Seven if You Count Mr. Daki’s.) You are clearly glorious!
The House of Seven Books needs a wall plaque: RoseCamelia Dined Here
Enough about me. I am super happy for you, Dakimel. Are your boys suitably impressed?
I dedicated this one to them – in rhyme. They think I’m astounding.
Woohoo! Congratulations on #5!!!
Thank you!
Lots of winning last night: I saw The Thermals (The Body, The Blood, The Machine is one of my all time favorite albums)! My friend’s band opened! There’s been a weird thing irritating my left eye for the last couple days, but I think running around in the mosh pit shoving strangers actually sweat it out.
Additional music nerdery: will be seeing The Mountain Goats on Saturday at an impossibly tiny venue.
omg I love the body, the blood, the machine! Awesome to all of the above, except the eye
They promised a new album and tour in March.
I am seeing the Mountain Goats in April, twice, and I can’t wait! So envious of you right now.
I’m seeing the Mountain Goats sunday at the same venue! I’m so excited!
YES! High 5!
When I saw the Mountain Goats last year, it was also an absurdly tiny venue. Like, a dive bar with smaller square footage than my small house. So small that I got to hold the door for John Darnielle when they walked out into the alley since there is no backstage. I’m still in kind of awe.
I’ve been trying to work through all of my gym’s many yoga classes, which means I’ve done five in four days.
I’ve had the visibly-unsure-of-himself French teacher who pronounced ‘focus’ as ‘fuckers’ which was by far the highlight of the class. Then there was the self proclaimed ‘dodgy’ Kundalini teacher in all-white who took us through laughing, whistling, and frog jumps (she was a delight, though I don’t think I’ll ever be a regular there I might try to do her class every few months). But the most memorable was the dude straight out of an Adam Sandler movie’s idea of a yoga teacher – ponytail, smug, I would bet hard cash owns and uses a Neti pot; he delivered one of my least favourite cliches, the old “people are so out of touch with their bodies; we need to re-learn how move like children, with joy and freedom, the modern world is ruining us” saw.
Having said all that, I feel pretty great at the end of it. There’s something on the schedule called ‘Yoga Fusion’ – fingers crossed it’s fusion of with gin-drinking.
That sounds like fun! My last entertaining gym instructor was a gentleman who was kind and gentle and I believe was a drill instructor in the Israeli army very recently. Weird conflict between what I knew was his personality and his body language sometimes. He’d be saying “this is your workout you need to listen to your body” but his body was all “Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! We are DOING THIS!!!” I think it was bothering him too because the class then changed from Group Strength Training aka Injured Women Recovery Group* to bootcamp.
*Seriously over half the class had a story of ‘Well I used to be active but I got hit by a car/wrecked my back/finally realized I was just making my joints worse. Now I’m trying to get strong again.”
Those injury stories are legion, and I think it’s a real side effect of the fitness culture we have (which is Go! Go! Go!) I’ve begun to accept that I’m not ever going to run a marathon, because: joints.
But I’m sad you lost your group class to bloody bootcamp.
It made me so angry – but then I found a class at the same time Saturday that’s supposed to be Pilates/Gentle Yoga and Jasmine the instructor is gloriously chill but still directs a serious workout.
I have liked a lot of the yoga classes I’ve taken, and practiced semi-regularly in the last city I lived in, but the woo wears me down after a while. I’d like to try a yoga class led by an atheistic anatomy geek.
Have you considered Pilates? Because that’s basically it, in a nutshell (yoga sans woo, with more emphasis on the core muscles and protecting the back). In my experience, you really have to find a good teacher, and there are some body issues which could be aggravated by Pilates (though, a good teacher should adapt for you).
I am a Pilates nerd, though, and I know it’s not for everyone. And I know there are too many rubbish teachers out there. The first class I ever went to was like 30% planks.
I have loved this forever and it feels like you might too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtWcb0bcA-A
YOU ARE 100000% CORRECT!
That focus-fuckers thing is totally done by all French people I’ve ever heard use the word focus! It makes for some interesting conference calls
I am new to commenting on this warm, witty, whipsmart community, and I have a weird question. I am an American currently living in India, and I’d like to see a little more of Southeast Asia this coming March (specifically in the vicinity of Easter / Holi). Are there by chance any Toasties in Thailand or Cambodia I could come visit? I’d love to stay somewhere as a very chill and grateful house guest, as I sometimes get stressed about travelling in new countries alone.
Even if you don’t currently live there, any recommendations for places to stay in Thailand or Cambodia? I have a high-stress job in research, and so I’d appreciate a place with scenery and sidestreets. I envision myself also spending time on a beach with a bikini, a coconut-based cocktail with an umbrella in it in hand, not having to be outraged by sex tourism or drunken men. Any ideas?
Perhaps you can try Northern Thailand? South is very touristic and it definitely attracts the drunk bros. And Bangkok is Bangkok… But if you avoid Soi Cowboy, Nana, and Patpong you probably won’t see too much sex tourism.
Never been to Cambodia, so can’t comment on that. But if you want a relatively inexpensive beach vacation without the drunken tourists you can try Borneo (either Malaysian or Indonesian side). Hope this helps!
Northern Vietnam is also fabulous
Comics toasties, has anyone else been following Jake Wyatt’s Necropolis? There’s not much of it so far as it’s a passion project in between paying gigs, but it seems so so promising.
Really hoping to get to this lady soon, who Wyatt conceptualized as basically Clara from the Nutcracker only as a warrior ballerina:
Thanks for the recommendation! I read it all yesterday and I’m excited for future updates!
Late to the OT but just wanted to say Necropolis is amazing and I’m so excited to read more of it!
17 weeks pregnant, and we do our 18 gender ultrasound next week.
I AM SO NERVOUS!!! For no real reason — I know it will be fine, and even though I really want a girl, even if it IS a boy, I will adjust and I know I will love him just as much. I just really cannot fathom it NOT being a girl, and am having a hard time wrapping my brain around that concept, and yet also trying to prepare for it because it IS possible.
And I also don’t want other people to think that I’m a terrible person if I’m disappointed it’s a boy? I think a little let down or adjustment time is natural, but I don’t want anyone to think I’m already a bad mother for being disappointed that my child is what it is?
I’ve just always dreamed of having a girl. and I have this desire to raise an empowered, strong female who knows her self-worth and knows that what she has to say matters, and to build up and encourage other women instead of tear them down — and it’s just such a passionate dream of mine — especially since I’m not sure if I want a second child — that the idea it might not happen is sad to me.
Regardless, I think just KNOWING will help — I think I am anxious about having a strong emotional response either way, and keep going back and forth with scenarios in my mind, and it’s not so much fun as it is nerve-wracking and I just want Tuesday to get here so I can find out for sure and start wrapping my brain around it!!!!
Ohhhh, I wanted a girl. That dream was my dream! I went into the u/s positive it would reveal her to me. But when that babyscrotum appeared, I was amazed and delighted and so in love with the person himself, the reality of the heart beating and the limbs waving (he waved!) and the gorgeous perfect skull holding the brain of the person who was gestating in me.
You’ll be in love with all of that, and you might skitter-stumble on the not-a-girl if she isn’t a she, but I’ve had others say, too, that the reality of your own baby trumps the dreams of the child you imagined. It may not be instant, but as you say, it will happen.
And girls these days – so many of them are empowered and strong and demand respect, and I consider them as a group amazing. It would be exciting to raise one. But raising sons who celebrate their power is a skill, sometimes. My sons know they’ll get my material approval/pride points when they tell me about calling out their friends for sexist language or search out books about strong female characters or question the idealization of Lucy in A Tale of Two Cities (to name things that have happened this month.)
Regardless, whatever your emotional response is, is fine. You’re allowed to feel anything you want about the u/s, and you know that even being disappointed in the moment does not in any way affect your future bond with your child. Your feelings about the u/s are tied to your self-image; your feelings about your child are tied to that person’s self.
Enjoy Tuesday – it will be very special, and exciting.
You know why I love being single? Because when I find out that MALLORY IS IN AUSTRALIA NEXT WEEK AND SO IS SLEATER-KINNEY I can just be all ‘hey, sounds fun, I think I’ll drive up to Sydney for the weekend’ (this may be downplaying my excitement somewhat) and NOBODY CAN STOP ME.
Sooo, any Sydney toasters also heading to the All About Women festival?
Me! I am! Are you also seeing Sleater-Kinney at Golden Plains?
Toasties, I have never seen either Magic Mike movie. Tonight, this will all change. I’m seeing both as a double feature. And it’s all because of the Toast, honest to Jeebus.
Yay! I found the first one kind of a bummer, but the second one (XXL) is a joyous life affirming gift.
These things are both true.
The first one: Wooderson runs a strip club?
Yes! Hang in through the annoying first one (that PLOT ughhhh) because the second one is much better!
It didn’t get as bad as I’d feared. And I’m glad I saw it, because it gave context to the second one.
One of us! One of us! (I think the first one is one of the great feminist texts of our age, fwiw)
The first one? Really. I’m interested. Care to expand?
So the first one is about the economic disenfranchisement of the white working class male – think how The Kid was a football star who crapped out on his scholarship, didn’t like wearing a tie – the various safety nets of privilege that he could expect began to loosen under him; he finds work in non-unionised under-the-table house building, in a part of the country particularly hit by the real estate bubble/collapse. How does the film show us just how bad is it for The Kid (and his cohort)? He is reduced to making money working in a role traditionally associated with women, and the exploitation/degradation of them*, a job that’s a joke because of that association – and the double standard that’s inherent in that is something the movie is very aware of (see: the famous Pony scene, and how it’s a canny reversal of the Male Gaze. I doubt all that many directors would be familiar with the ramifications of Laura Mulvey’s concept and how it’s executed in cinema, but I’d bet my last titty-sweat-soaked dollar bill that Soderbergh is; and playing with gendered ‘gazes’ is a theme throughout his work – see sex lies & videotape)
When men are ‘reduced’ to the money they can generate from body’s erotic capital and nothing else – we have a word for that: objectification. And we’re so used to it happening to women that it’s just part of the noise. But when it happens to men – esp. white dudes – that’s a socio-economic indicator up there with defaulted mortgage rates.
Which is what’s so feminist about it: telling the same story about women wouldn’t work in the same way, because it’s not remarkable. It’s that it happens to the privileged group, the ones who aren’t used to being judged on how they look, that assume they won’t be written off as sexual playthings, who don’t usually have to worry about maintaining upkeep on their erotic capital as they age.
*Not that strippers are necessarily degraded, by the way, or that The Kid and Mike don’t have a huge amount of fun. But one is hustling, hustling, hustling his way to build something tangible, to get his share and be part of the structure of power he works in (which keeps slipping out of his grasp), and the other chooses oblivion.
Very interesting. Thank you for explaining.
I agree with everyone else about XXL. Enjoy!
In a few hours your life will be even better than it was before because you will have seen the full glory that is Magic Mike XXL. I am so excited for you!
I saw the first one for the first time just the other week! (Unfortunately, I was deeply disappointed in it.) I still haven’t seen the second one.
Toasties, I know this is small potatoes in the grand scheme of life, but my devil-phone just deleted about 3,000 photos of mine and I am gutted. Particularly because (I’m currently a dog walker) I lost almost all the pictures of my favorite pup, Bianca, who moved to Brooklyn a few months ago and who was genuinely my best friend. WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT ALL THE VIDEOS OF HER LICKING MY FACE AND SLEEPING ON MY LAP??
I hope you’re all having a wonderful week!
Aw, sorrow! I know it’s too late now, but an auto-backup system might help you in future?
Yes, I really must be better about that. Lesson firmly learned!
I’m not sure what category this falls under? Love feelings? Heart ache? Sexual pangs? I don’t even know. Most of the time I am working like a machine in solitary confinement, convinced that I am an indomitable brain in jar. It is not always easy! But mostly ok. Art exists, writing exists, you all exist – and my friends exist, though most of them live far away. And every now and then I escape to the wonderful places where my friends live and get wild. Just recently on one such adventure I finally collided with this lovely person after whom I’ve been hankering for a long time – and vice versa. It was sweet and nuts and excellent and also very brief. I’ve since returned to my own place, in another state, and feel pretty demolished. Like, just remembering what it felt like to be human, to be liked, to be touched did me in. I need to reset my solitudes or something. And it isn’t that I expected anything from said person – they’re there, I’m here. But I can’t help but feel a little crushed that there is no lingering flirtation. (There was a last kind exchange, and then that was it.) I guess that is how these things go? I don’t know what I’m asking for exactly. Some affirmation or support or commiseration? It has been so long since I’ve let myself feel this way, I am at a loss. Need to get back into my bower or something.
Aww, that makes sense that this encounter reawakened a need/want that had lain dormant for a while. Solidarity and sympathy! <33
but I don’t want it awake! does it have to be awake? I’d like to expunge it. at the moment I feel mad at person – who owes me nothing, of course. the wise thing to do is just reflect, I guess. which this is helping me do. (thank you.)
Hmm, well, I suppose it doesn’t have to be awake – but it is, and attempting to muscle your feelings back to that may not be very fruitful or healthy for you. I think you’re right to be reflecting and letting yourself feel all this icky painful stuff. Some deliberate self-care may be in order! Tea, journaling, meditation, exercise? Or how about setting up a time to skype one of your far-away friends? It sounds like you’ve been a bit isolated, which I can totally relate to, and that maybe connecting with friends would help. As for Person, I would just let yourself be mad. As long as you’re aware it’s irrational, no harm in it. 🙂
I have no advice to offer (and you weren’t really asking for advice anyway, it sounds like?), but oh, I know that feeling.
That sounds super tough, between having a fun weekend away with friends that you’ve been looking forward to, sex, and the long-term hankering coming to fruition that’s a lot to come down from. Please try to be kind with yourself!
Even non-sexual touch is so important. I know that my friends aren’t touchy feely so when I’m not getting touch from a partner I start to feel off. I usually try to treat myself to some non-sexual touch like a manicure or massage. Something like that might help take the edge off a little.
Oh my yes. I have a schedule… The first three weeks after are awful the first three months after are terrible but at least you don’t wake up in the middle of the night anymore, three months to nine months is where bad decisions happen and by 18 months I’m reset. I also have the same reaction to eating lobster, but on a shorter timescale of course.
Late to the party, but I have an AAM sort of question. I have a really hard time focusing at work, and consistently underperform. This has been ongoing for the entire two years I’ve been there, no matter how well I try to plan or how hard I try to stay on task and pay attention to details. So I looked at adult ADD symptoms on the Mayo Clinic website, and they line up…alarmingly well. I have an appointment with my doctor to discuss this on 3/21. I mentioned it to my boss, so now he knows that my consistent inconsistency might have a medical basis, and that I’m taking steps. I have an email drafted to our office manager, though, since she’s my direct supervisor, and normally the ones sending the emails that say “unreadaethel, I know you’re a smart, talented person, but your consistent mistakes and lack of focus are a problem.” This email tells her that I’m aware of my ongoing problems with focus and attention to detail, but that I have an appointment with my doctor to discuss the possibility of ADD. Should I send this email? We have employee evaluations coming up, and I want to make it clear that I’m taking active steps to address a possible source of my performance problems. I feel like this is a good idea, but I have limited Real Job experience, so I need some advice.
NB: we already have one employee with ADD and one with dyslexia, so this is not the sort of thing I’d be punished or judged for mentioning. They already know about and accept my depression.
I have no input on office things, since I’m a grad student, I know nothing about the real world, but I’m going through the exact same thing re:going through ADD diagnosis and that possibly accounting for/contributing to a large amount of work problems that I’ve had. Best of luck, I hope things work out.
Thanks. It’s just so frustrating, because I keep making progress for a few days, and really getting stuff done, but then I lose my momentum and everything goes all fuzzy again. I’ve been blaming my depression, but this seems different.
I’d say if you don’t want to slap a diagnosis on it before you have one, say that you are looking into the possibility of a medical cause for your focus issues, and have an appointment on 3/21 to go over it with a professional and will formulate an action plan based on the outcome of that appointment.
It seems to me like your instincts are right on this one. If you’re not going to face reprisals for it, being open and honest is really brave and helps contribute to making your workplace somewhere that folks feel able to be themselves in. Also, it might help you get covered by some legal protections or by some corporate or union policies where you work.
We have neither corporate nor union policies, but I’m hoping to demonstrate that I recognize and want to address the issues that are interfering with my work, and am actively pursuing a solution.
Also, she won’t get my email to her until Monday, and I won’t be back at the office until Wednesday, so I can avoid any actual in-person conversation, which is A+.
You are proud of yourself for pursuing medical help, yes? If not, get on that. You should be proud. It is responsible, hard work. You are brave.
I agree with tiny_bookbot. In your office it is safe to communicate via the email you described. It can only reflect well on you and perhaps provide some legal protection, though your office seems unlikely to require defensive strategies.
I do, in fact, feel good about this appointment. I also feel good about the possibility of not having so much trouble accomplishing tasks which I know I should be able to accomplish without much difficulty. It’s incredibly frustrating to just not be able to focus or manage my time well, and I’m hoping my doctor will be able to help me resolve some of that.
I have no experience with this exact situation, but I’d e-mail her. You don’t need to say that you’re looking into ADD if you don’t want to jump to conclusions. You can just say that there’s a strong possibility that your lack of focus is a symptom of something bigger. I’d include some hard facts about the steps you’re taking her, like having a doctor’s appointment next month, to show her that you’re interested in taking action.
Organizing! I forget what app or website someone mentioned that has a Toast Team for organizing time and tasks?
Fellow grad student Toasties… Speak to me in words of love about staying inspired in your last semester of course work, because I am feeling woefully limp right now.
Oh man, it sucks. It really does. But you can make it, and being on the other side of coursework is SO GREAT. (Though it comes with its own challenges, too.) It helps to really map out the the marks you need to hit in the back half of the semester, so that you have smaller things to motivate you forward.
Thank you for that. I’ve been trying to map out the big projects and due dates (thank you, sexy gold day planner from Target), but MAN is motivation rough this term.
My last semester of coursework just felt like a slog. I wasn’t at all excited about the courses themselves and it was tedious as all get-out to make it through. Just remind yourself what’s on the other side and reward yourself for regularly hitting those targets. You’re almost there!
Friends! I’m late to the game but last night my friend & I met with a gallery here in NYC & they offered us a two-woman show! I’ve been here for just a little over a year, & this is my first show in The Big City & I am really excited. The last year was pretty rough, & I was beginning to feel like I wouldn’t know how to restart my career here. Mr inkwashed says, why are you surprised? Your work is awesome! But I was still a little bit overwhelmed & I am so grateful to the universe for this first step.
When it gets close to the opening, I’ll post here so all NYC-area Toasties can come! Let me know if you’d like a sneak peek via my studio site or Instagram!
That is amazing! Congratulations! Please share all the links!
thank you! I will as soon as the details are set! <3
Toastrons, I come to you on a Saturday evening, just having finished Villette and WHY DIDN’T ANYONE MENTION THE ENDING. It’s been a while since I cried over a novel. Well played, Ms. Bronte.
My house is a disaster, I haven’t done dishes all week, I have homework to do, a paper to write, clothes to wash, and I’m not ready for my first team practice tomorrow. It’s February, however, and I needed a break. Please enjoy my bragging about the absolute fantastic time I had a wizard world yesterday! Here are two pics because I couldn’t wait to share them!
https://coryspix.shutterfly.com/6
Soo cool! You rock!
Also, solidarity on the rest of the mountain of shit to do. My house is a mess, we are in the panic time, home stretch on extra curricular projects for both kids and I wasn’t able to log into my only e master’s class at 6:30 this morning when I was all ready to get so.e work done. ACK!
(we will survive this. most likely)
Log in isues are the worst. I’m a bit worried about tonight’s productivity, as we have a high wind warning coming, which may break powet/internet lines. For power I can always go to my parents, but it will be hard to work on open street map without internet.
Good luck in your kid projects, those are so hard for me to let them handle at the last-minute crunch. My control freak really wants to take over!
autocorrect really garbled up my last post. Well, enough distraction, back to the grind.
Has anyone heard from achemicaldefect lately? Haven’t seen her in the comments lately. This internet stranger was wondering how she was holding up. Hope that’s not too weird, but I hope it is going as well as possible.
She was in last week’s open thread, and it sounded like things were going OK. <3
Late to the OT but just wanted to say Necropolis is amazing and I'm so excited to read more of it!