1,758 Comments

    1. ppyajunebug +22

      SAMESIES

      I may default to doing my easier work rather than the harder stuff this afternoon. I just can’t handle it right now.

      1. perianwen +42

        I almost started crying at work yesterday just from the overall stress + the contents of the stuff I was transcribing. Let us all commiserate and think about how nice it would be to just be having a Toastfolk meetup and drinking nice warm beverages.

        2. SarcasticFringehead +14

          Ugh, the firm I work at does some family law, and Wednesday I was working on some documents for a case with some Very Upsetting elements, and i was so glad to go home where burritos and tequila are.

      2. hawthorn_tree +4

        I heroically spent three hours scoring assignments for an assessment project and plan to accomplish absolutely nothing for the rest of the day. I can’t think anymore, time for a break.

      2. jwhittz +11

        Yep, I caved and bought the bagel with cream cheese. I do not give a fuck today.

      1. winterbymorning +25

        I woke up this morning and could not for the life of me remember what day it was. I had to ask my husband, and the answer didn’t help me feel any less confused.

    4. Rachel8489 +16

      YES. But I took a work-from-home day to accomplish Difficult, High-Concentration Tasks and that means I need actually *gulp* DO THOSE THINGS.

      1. sfbeee +17

        but, like, in whatever clothes or not-clothes you desire! while eating and drinking and staying in bed, maybe?

        1. Rachel8489 +12

          In sweatpants and no bra and eating and drinking whatever I want whenever I want, and with challah dough rising in the kitchen, yes! Not in bed, I would fall asleep.

      2. galeforcewind +13

        I’ve been putting off some Very Important, Time-Senstive Work, planning to do it today while my boss is working from home. Then I saw the Cocktail Hour thread, and i thought to myself, “I am so not going to get any work done today.”

        A+ for intention?

    5. dashitall +27

      I’m daydreaming about which comfy clothes I’ll change into and which blanket I’ll burrito-wrap myself in immediately after work. It’s just one of those days.

    6. femaelstrom +30

      I am so Over my job, and Over not getting called for interviews, and Over trying to figure out my grad school plans, and Over the way my office internet won’t load anything except gmail and tumblr (??).

      I’m seeing Deadpool again tonight and that helps a bit, though.

    7. Hadrosaur +14

      Internet fistbump. I have so much PMS, I can’t handle anyone looking at me or attempting to talk to me today.

      1. Armaniburger +4

        Feeling this too, unfortunately.

        DO NOT BREATHE LOUDLY IN MY GENERAL VICINITY, I WILL SEROUSLY HULK OUT

    9. sfbeee +17

      Y U P
      did i have an 8:30 meeting that i not only forgot about but SLEPT THROUGH? indeed.
      do i feel a very confusing mix of extreme guilt and extreme dgaf? of course.

    10. pretty_monster +35

      my PMS has had me alternately weepy and homicidal all week. The Man Whom I Have Spared and Allow To Be My Life Mate will be preparing me a rare t-bone steak for dinner after shoving a bottle of red wine in my direction. and if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll also hand over one of those little chocolate bundt cakes that i know he has I KNOW YOU HAVE IT, DUDE, GIVE IT TO ME.

      1. dashitall +9

        I’m sorry you are stuck on the rollercoaster of hormones and emotion, but I am so totally calling my boyfriend “The Man I Allow To Be My Life Mate” now.

    11. wakatopatopa +34

      SERIOUSLY. I have recently embarked on a very exciting personal adventure, opportunity of a lifetime, etc., etc. and my mother-in-law sent me a friendly text this morning saying “let’s have lunch!” which turned out to be an AMBUSH where she said I DON’T WANT YOU TO DO THIS THING BECAUSE IT WILL RUIN YOUR DAUGHTER.

      FUCK. EVERYTHING.

      The best part is she said after lunch “we should do this more often! I know you hate hugs, but I’m going to hug you!”

      NO. Let’s NEVER do this EVER AGAIN.

      1. aintnothingtoit +18

        Well, I for one, think whatever this very exciting adventure is will be BADASS and being a badass is an important thing to let your daughter see!

        Also, you’re not just a mom. You’re a human. Don’t let the guilting sesh with the MIL get ya down!

      2. caatness +15

        Yeah, no, fuck that. Whatever makes you happy, complete, and well as a person is what’s good for your daughter. Your MIL can go eat a bag of raw onions. Jerk. Also, NO FOR HUGS = NO FOR HUGS. There’s no negotiation to a stated moratorium of personal touching. It’s really that simple.

        I am excited for your exciting adventure! *cheers!*

  2. protocoach +52

    V. excited to be here for the beginning of the open thread, rather than 1000 comments in. (Somehow, despite checking it out multiple times, I had it in my head that these start at noon? Not smort.)

  3. longlostlullaby +122

    Two notable things that happened this week:
    -My bus from Berlin was supposed to arrive home at 10 pm. It snowed during the trip and the bus parked on the freeway. All night. We got in at 7 am. My 5 hour bus trip took 14 hours.

    -A 23 year old told me that I’m the best sex he’s ever had.

    2. CleverManka +111

      Those two things are related, yes? Please tell me yes. Please tell me you somehow managed to hook up with an appreciative 23-year-old while stuck on the side of a European highway in a blizzard.

      2. longlostlullaby +38

        That would make it a much better story, but sadly the two were unrelated.

        1. CleverManka +66

          Ugh, you could have lied to me, you know. It’s okay, though. It’s okay.

    4. dorianneemmerton +19

      He’s only 23 so he probably hasn’t had much sex to compare to, but that’s still awesome.

      Also, I went to Berlin once and it was my favourite.

      1. longlostlullaby +63

        Yeah, it’s not as impressive as an older man saying it. But I think he’s had a good amount already. Plus he’s bisexual, which means that I’m the best across all genders!

  4. Sanjay +81

    A week and a half ago (on George Washington’s birthday) I invited my friends over for a Hamilton singalong. We only made it through the first act, but it was really fun!

    I’ve wanted to have friends come over to sing musicals since I was a kid and I have only now, at 30, gathered the wherewithal to make it happen.

    Next step is to try and get through the whole show, but after that, who knows? Les Mis? RENT? I am so excited.

    I mainly wanted to brag about this and maybe encourage you to do the same, but if you are in the Delaware area and you want to come to a Hamilton singalong, let me know!

    1. awnutts +19

      I’m 30% considering moving to Delaware because this jut sounds like TOO MUCH FUN.

    2. emmysuhweeks +4

      Yay! Singalongs are so fun! We can’t hardly watch a musical without it turning into a performance and it’s really just more enjoyable that way. Rent is a good one, we do Sound of Music a lot too!

    3. literarysara +11

      That sounds so fun! I have done sort of accidental musical singalongs with friends and it is a BLAST, but somehow even though nearly all my friends are Hamilton trash we haven’t shared this experience together yet, except in occasional bursts while cooking.

    4. Theo_Winterwood +11

      My best friend and I had planned to do that for Hamilton’s birthday, but we missed being able to make that happen, so we’re aiming to do it for his deathdate in July with some costume/props thrown in. (We’re about four states apart with very different work schedules, so it takes some pre-planning.)

      I think she’s called Lafayette/Jefferson and might actually listen to my suggestion to play Jefferson as a dirtbag hipster bro who comes in with a red Solo cup in one hand for “What’d I Miss” . . .

      Somehow my fiancé and I are both lobbying for Burr, though I’m guessing I’ll end up with Mulligan/Madison.

      1. Sanjay +8

        That sounds really great. I love the idea of assigning parts, though I think the general consensus amongst my friends is we’d rather everyone just sing whatever they want, so that’s what we are going with.

        I really wanted to rig some complicated drafting system to assign parts, but nobody liked that idea.

        1. Theo_Winterwood +9

          I think our assigning of parts is going to be a sort of organically claiming of characters over the time between now and July until they’re all taken. (It doesn’t hurt that there will probably be only maybe four people total, so everyone’s gonna get to be at least one character they really like.)

          And if we have characters assigned, then we get to enjoy just sitting back sometimes and watching the other folks in the room ham it up (no pun intended).

      2. whollyword +15

        Went to one Hamilton listening / singalong party at which someone came in a King George costume. Obvs, people let him solo on KG’s songs.

        1. Theo_Winterwood +10

          OH MAN. HOW DID I ACTUALLY FORGET THAT GEORGE WAS A PART SOMEONE COULD CLAIM?

          (Probably because I subconsciously think of him as the guy who comes in from outside to crash the party and then leave again.)

    5. chiaroscuromom +16

      My daughter and her bestie sing along to the soundtrack in the car when I’m on carpool duty. I love it. (They’re 14.)

    6. permanentteal +7

      My friends and I started singing Hamilton while playing Mario Kart and it was excellent.

    7. annecara +9

      Um I’m in Philly but I would be willing to venture to Delaware to do a musical singalong.

      1. Sanjay +7

        That sounds great! I’m in Newark so it is a slightly inconvenient 30-50 min drive (though, for what it’s worth you wouldn’t be the only Philadelphian making it). We are shooting for Saturday the 19th, though that’s still slightly up in the air.

        I’m blanking on what the best way to get you my address and the Facebook invite without broadcasting our personal info all over. This is a little round about, but does it make sense for you to email me (my email address is on my website) and we can go from there?

        1. annecara +2

          Sure I’ll email you! Although I don’t know that the 19th will work for me 🙁

    8. kirpunz +7

      That is amazing, and I am envious! Most of my friends are waiting until they see it to listen. Which is really hard for me because then I have no one to gush with in person. That goodness for internet friends.

      1. Sanjay +6

        That’s so frustrating! I have a friend who lives in New York who adores musical theater and adores Les Miserables and adores rap and I can’t think of anyone who ought to like the musical more but she refuses to listen to the show until she sees it live.

        Which is going to take forever!

        1. kirpunz +5

          And she lives in NYC! We are in North Carolina! If we are lucky it will come through in the 2018-2019 season.

          1. Sanjay +10

            I’ve always primarily experienced musicals through cast recordings and community theater, so there’s a tiny part of me (which I know is ridiculous) which feels like insisting on seeing them at the professional-level first is elitist.

          2. annabel +4

            I also think this makes no sense. I ALWAYS enjoy a musical more when I am already familiar with/love the songs. I saw a touring production of Cabaret a few years ago, and while it was perfectly fine, since I only knew the basic outline of the story and only a couple of songs, it was not nearly as awesome as seeing Hair or Wicked, both of which I can sing in their entirety (not that I actually sang along in the theater of course.)

    9. Eris +6

      That is the perfect definition of “a good time”, as far as I’m concerned. Well done making your dreams come true!

    10. Toft +6

      Oh wow, that sounds awesome! I’m not in the Delaware area, but I wish I was.

      Also, this is unrelated, but I love your comic. Is this a weird place to say that? Sorry if it is.

      1. Sanjay +3

        Wow! No! Not weird for me, at least.

        Sometimes I can get into a bit of a negative headspace with my work, so I don’t think I can hear that enough, thank you!

    11. iosognodisonno +10

      The second act’s sad anyway. First act is definitely the most fun for a sing a long.

      1. Sanjay +16

        If you ignore all the foreshadowing, the first act stands on its own pretty well.

        Someone mentioned to Lin-Manuel Miranda just listening to act 1 because act 2 is too sad and he called it “the elementary school production of Into the Woods approach” and I found that extremely endearing.

    12. InsertCoolNameHere +12

      May I just say that I love all of you so much, and LOVE that there is so much intersection of Hamiltrash/Toast. I can’t get enough of either. This Hamilton sing along thread just brightened up a real sh*t afternoon at work. xx

    14. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

      My jealousy knows NO BOUNDS. I too have always wanted to have friends come over to sing musicals! If only I were in Delaware!

    15. alder_tree +2

      I recently went to a karaoke place near me (where you can rent private rooms, noraebang-style), and when I went to write “Hamilton” on the requests list, someone else had already done it just before me.

      Apparently musicals are available for karaoke within a year of the release of the cast recordings, on average. I am counting down the days.

  5. paisleyLo +15

    Friends and Countrypersons of The Toast! I have a work thing that I need to talk to you about! (In reply, for neatness sake)

    1. paisleyLo +17

      I work at a nonprofit in a VERY casual office where we’re all pretty close friends as well as coworkers. My boss is close to my age and we’ve hung out outside of work – she’s fun and is a very “work hard, play hard” kind of personality. She’s driven but is good at maintaining a sense of brevity when it comes to the insanity that we sometimes deal with.

      So my story is that I’m kind of a…big personality. I like to joke around and tell stories and such, (when appropriate – as in “at lunch” and not so much “in meetings”). However, I am no different from the other people in the office, including my boss, who is an equally extroverted individual. I guess I could say that I took my cues from my coworkers when I got here. So we have a consultant that comes in every so often to help with projects, and he used to work here ages ago but was fired. He is terrible. He’s a mansplainer, a misogynist, a bully and one of those longwinded people who repeats himself over and over until you walk away. We all have a running joke that we should boo him every time he talks. Everyone dislikes him but we keep bringing him back for projects because he’s the only one in this niche field locally. I should mention that I have never worked with him directly on anything, and I’m sure he’s never bothered to learn my name.

      So today Boss comes to me and says she would like to hand off a project to me (that would be good for my career here and that I would honestly really like to do) and then she said, “…but you would have to work with [Consultant] and I know you haaaate him. If you can promise me that you can temper that, then I’d be more comfortable handing that off to you.” I was taken aback, but I promised her that I could be An Adult When Necessary and I wouldn’t embarrass her.

      So now I’m completely thrown. It’s not that I was the only one complaining about his behavior and how difficult he is to work with. I think it’s because I’m more animated about it. 9 times out of 10 I’m exaggerating for comedic effect, and my coworkers know this, (I thought). My partner suggests that it’s because when I tell stories, I’m super emotive and sometimes intense. (Have I mentioned I have a theater background? I have a theater background.)

      So now my question is – how do I do damage control on this? I honestly had no idea that she was concerned about how I come off, and I’m a little pissed that she hasn’t mentioned this to me in the two years I’ve been here. I did apologize, but I’m not sure if I should reiterate to her that I am, in fact, not unhinged; or if I should just kick ass at this project and hopefully prove to her that I can be trusted. This has never happened to me before in any other context or job! I feel like I’m losing my mind and that everyone is secretly afraid/embarrassed of me.

      The irony is that when I do restrain myself, people ask me what’s wrong – like I’m sad or sick or something. As we say in the business, please advise.

      1. protocoach +26

        Maybe just a casual check-in with your boss? Like, “Hey, you realize I’m joking about that stuff, right?” I have been on both sides of this; there have been clients that I hated and I think I overexaggerated it and people thought I was angrier than I was, and there have been times when coworkers have been ranting about a client and I’m not sure how much is serious and how much is just them letting off steam. It can be hard to read.

        1. paisleyLo +6

          Yeah exactly – and I try to not be scary when I’m just being *theatrical* but you’re right, I need to be more aware of who gets it and who might not.

          1. protocoach +8

            Yeah, that’s always a tough line to walk. My friends know the difference between “stream of profanities to blow off steam” and “stream of profanities because I am actually enraged”, but that’s a distinction that people at work (usually) can’t make (and probably shouldn’t be asked to make).

      2. allanaaa +1

        Don’t reiterate, just kick ass. If anything comes up during it, talk to her/your coworkers *after*.

      3. emmysuhweeks +8

        Or maybe, since you said she’s similar in attitude to you, she was kind of exaggerating too? Allowing that she knows you dislike him and wanted to make sure you knew she knew that?

      4. citystillbreath +48

        It doesn’t sound entirely negative to me? Like, you said you’re friendly with your boss, maybe she was also checking in on you and making sure you wouldn’t be miserable during the project.

      5. logicbutton +42

        Well, you’ve already got the project, so clearly she trusts you enough to take you at your word. Acting like the adult you said you would should be plenty.

      6. GingerHawk +32

        My advice is to simply kick ass on the project, and show everyone just how Adult you can be. If you are really, really nervous about the whole thing, it might be useful to just talk to your boss (since it sounds like you get along really well), and say something along the lines of “hey, I wanted to speak to you about how I come across, I was a little surprised at your comment when you asked about the project, and I want to make sure I’m not appearing unprofessional.” That said, I feel like this could also maybe backfire and open up a door to a whole host of critiques about your personality that you don’t need.

        1. paisleyLo +12

          Yeah I’m worried about the backfire of “Now that I think about it…”; my first instinct was to just shut up and kick ass. Thank you for your advice!

      7. ingeborggeht +46

        Without the full context of her remark, of course, it sounds to me like your boss wasn’t saying “You, in particular, paisleyLo, haaaaaate him and you need to tone it down” but that “you, paisleyLo, haaaaaate him (as does everybody else), but you’re the one who would have to work with him so it’s you i’m checking in with about it”.

      8. beachlass +24

        I think that you’ve already got some great advice on handling this occasion; and so I’ll offer a bigger picture perspective.

        As I’ve advanced in my field (and accrued more responsibility and power) – I’ve had to change some of my parameters around humour and interpersonal comments and negativity. And frankly, now there are topics on which I try to express either no opinion, or find something positive to say (publicly). Because my role + my words mean what I say gets repeated. Or given weight and remembered.

        It doesn’t sound to me like you’ve crossed a line; but rather that you are excellently self aware – and have picked up a cue for something you might think about adapting.

        Boisterous and emotive and theatrical storytelling are amazing team and leadership skills. They will also add to the impact of (implied) opinion.

        Lastly – Go you!!! Your boss is entrusting a career building project to you; one that means working with someone she knows is difficult. So she obviously trusts both your ability to do the content and handle the personalities.

        1. paisleyLo +5

          Thank you! This makes me feel better. I’m glad that boisterous and emotive have additional worth beyond being Fun Lunch Gal.

      9. parlato1973 +23

        I don’t think she’s singling you out, I think it’s clear nobody is in love with this guy, and she probably feels bad that you have to work with him closely on anything at her assignment. I don’t think you have to do any specific damage control, but maybe when you report on progress, you can make sure to tell her everything is going well personality-wise.

      10. Grouch +9

        You should just leave it. Your boss checked in with you before assigning you a project that would require working closely with someone who is known to be awful in a number of ways. Your boss could think that you are totally hinged, and that would still be a very worthwhile exercise.

      11. suzynjackson +13

        How about becoming the other niche expert in your area!? Add that to your (lovely sounding) personality and it could be quite the career booster!

      12. sluts4ever +9

        Schedule a check-in, and ask for some feedback. Be open to what she has to say; even give her a day or two to think about it before sitting down for the actual meeting. You can say something like “Hey, boss. Thanks so much for giving me this awesome career opportunity–I’m so happy that you support my professional development and want me to grow in this role. What you said about my working with Consultant really threw me for a loop though; I don’t want anyone in the office or any of our consultants to feel uncomfortable around me. Would you mind giving me some feedback about how I can navigate those relationships to make it doesn’t happen again?”

        1. protocoach +1

          I really like this idea. Makes you look/sound very professional, plus it strengthens that relationship.

          1. sluts4ever +3

            i work in a feedback culture office, and while it was QUITE an adjustment when i started, it’s pretty dope. people aren’t looking to make you feel bad; they just want you to do a great job and want to help you along. also: asking for feedback makes you look like (and be) an awesome employee.

      13. Rocketship +2

        I agree with the excellent advice given here – kick ass, take names, you’ve got this. My only addendum is this:

        You’re probably going to need to vent about working with this dude. And you absolutely should, he sounds horrible. But maybe it would be best to find somewhere to vent that is not directly in your boss and/or coworkers’ line of sight. It may give her and them the impression that she’s stuck you on a shit assignment that you’re now powering through because you said you would. Or it may look to them like you’re not as psyched about this assignment as you actually are.

        Tl;dr: Find a face to offload that frustration you will surely feel, that is necessary and good! Someplace that is not in boss’ vicinity, though, that may be less than helpful.

        Also, developing firm boundaries around what you will & will not tolerate from this guy might go a long way as well. I foresee a lot of “Yep, got it, gonna go do work now!” and “Heard ya the first time, I’m on it!” in your future.

        Good luck!

  6. Pygmalion24 +88

    Advice for getting over someone?

    After over two months of seeing a guy I really liked, I decided I needed to define the relationship. But he wanted to keep things status quo and casual and I wanted a relationship, so I ended it. Though I’m proud of myself for saying all the things I needed to say and being honest about what I wanted for the first time with a guy, it’s so shitty to give up something that was really good and made me so happy. It’s hard not to dwell on the fact that if I hadn’t brought it up, we’d still be seeing each other almost every day and have a pseudo-relationship. I’m just sad and bitter about the lost potential, and about being disappointed for the umpteenth time by a guy who wants the best of all worlds without the commitment.

    1. logicbutton +22

      No advice, but eh, at least you ended it while he was still feeling positive about you.

      1. Pygmalion24 +70

        Yeah, I could’ve gone the route I went with the last dude, which was to sacrifice all dignity and self-respect in the quest to be a Cool Girl with no wants or needs of her own, but I figured I have to make new mistakes instead of the old ones, right?

    2. RudyRed +52

      You did the right thing. You recognized that he was not what you needed, and now you are free to find what you need.

    3. bower_bird +34

      Good for you! Walking away because you know yourself well enough to know you need something more is really fucking hard. Brava!

      The last time I had to do this, these were the things two things that helped most:

      Lady time. Like wearing fancy dresses to the museum and getting high tea with my best girls. I think it helps when you’re getting over a dude to have a completely different kind of bonding experience than hanging out with a straight guy usually offers.

      Making out with strangers for the fuck of it.

    4. SmrtCookie +26

      A+ to you for knowing what you want, saying what you want, and following through in a way that prioritizes your future happiness!

      This guy is everywhere it seems. I just broke up with him a few weeks ago, except I didn’t know what I wanted and then drug my heels saying what I wanted so we were together 9 months. Which is sort of mortifying but it was still so, so hard. I’ve been focusing on great it is that I was able to identify my needs and prioritize them over a guy who was great in every other way.

    5. hystericaldora +26

      I really admire that you asserted your own needs instead of making them smaller to try to fit yourself into the space available. But sorry that it feels shitty right now.

    6. awnutts +10

      It sounds like you know that you made the right decision, but it still feels lonely to miss all the fun you were having. I think my advice is to surround yourself with all the people in your life who make you feel great. Be intentional about seeing your friends, call your family members who make you laugh, whatever. When you just ended a relationship, it feels like you’re being rejected. It can feel lonely. So spend some time with people who choose you over and over again, so you can remember all those amazing qualities you have!

      (If you have a person you could casually make out with a little, to affirm how damn sexy you are, that might be nice, too.)

    7. mkmorrow +11

      It’s okay to be sad! Promising relationships that don’t work out are sad and sucky. Maybe have a day or weekend of fully embracing the sad. Listen to every heartbreaking song. Eat ice cream. Watch movies that make you cry. Read sad, lovelorn poetry.

      Then follow bower_bird’s excellent girl time advice. Be your fabulous self who knows what she wants.

    8. Chase +3

      I know this feeling so well! You stand up for yourself and then you regret letting your pride get in the way of sporadic fun/validation….
      but could it be that you’re mourning what you think could have been (or what could have developed) rather than what actually was? Because it sounds like he was disappointing you and frustrating you and that would have just gotten worse and worse. You’ll find someone better.
      Hand in there xx

    9. Räven +32

      Honestly my last relationship went on for YEARS before we talked and I grasped that he thought (he claims) we were just keeping it casual – and even though I felt happy all that time, would have been vastly better to have that ending after two months than after several Christmases together.

      1. Pygmalion24 +43

        It truly terrifies me that there are so many guys that pull that shit. Years being together and he thinks that’s “keeping it casual”? Like, what kind of pathological self-delusion are men capable of?

        1. femaelstrom +35

          HOO BOY I know another story like this isn’t really necessary, but in college I was in a very tumultuous relationship. We were open (by his choice, not mine) but he still said we were boyfriend and girlfriend, talked about moving in together, he gave me ~meaningful jewelry~ to ~represent his commitment~, etc.

          I left for a semester abroad and we started fighting a lot, and during one of those fights he said we had never been in a relationship. I guess calling me his girlfriend and talking about moving in together is just a thing he does with his friends!

          How do men do it??

          1. livingandcorporeal +3

            So as soon as things aren’t going well he wants to rewrite the past so it wasn’t a relationship at all, so he can–what, pretend you were being “clingy” or some shit by thinking it was what it obviously was? I mean, “boyfriend and girlfriend”, that could mean anything, right.

            What a jackass!

          2. alder_tree +2

            I have a female friend who does this! Or she used to. She’s lived with dudes multiple times and still refuses to call them her boyfriends. Okay.

    10. _bartleby +9

      I’m so sorry, but as others said, you saved yourself a world of hurt by bringing it up early. I advocate total cutoff. If you can reestablish a friendship later on, great, but I needed a solid year of no contact whatsoever before my heart began to mend.

    11. avocadoavocat +26

      Another heart-break-y Toastie recently shared this Ask Polly column with me, and it was so, so good. I think it’ll resonate with you as well: http://nymag.com/thecut/2014/11/ask-polly-how-do-…

      And this one seems like it might be relevant too: http://www.theawl.com/2014/02/ask-polly-should-i-…

      The number 1 thing that has helped me through all the break up heartache is starting a pottery class. I fucking LOVE pottery, and it’s something I did not do when I was with my ex or even KNOW it was something I could love, and it’s so great to have a small slice of life that he was never a part of and doesn’t know anything about.

      The things that have been less helpful include showing up at his apartment and spending the night and then crying together before I leave, so. Don’t do that, I guess.

      1. amardine +8

        Oooo, taking a pottery class is on my post-breakup, post-grad school (almost there!) list! As well as a glass blowing class (there is even a neon sign-making class near me, which I am v excited about)!

        I agree that filling your time with things that you enjoy, are maybe a little scary, and you wouldn’t have had time for in your relationship might be most important for getting over a breakup.

        Things that have been less helpful for me: online dating. (UGH) But, live and learn, right? I personally feel that I have learned a lot from my post-breakup missteps, even if they’ve also caused me pain.

        1. Pygmalion24 +11

          Yeah I’m gonna try going on dates and the only way I can think to acquire them is through an app, but as soon as I’m dissatisfied I’m getting off of it.

          I think I’d really like to take some kind of exercise self-defense class. Feels like it would be a good, empowering thing to do.

          1. amardine +12

            That is a GREAT idea, and I just added it to my ‘activities’ list. (yes, I keep an activities list in my phone, because grad school and simultaneously enjoying but being terrible at organization)

            Also, I didn’t say this above, but I am very impressed with how you evaluated what you wanted, asked for it, and then took action to get close to it, even if it was difficult. It cannot be overstated how hard that is to do, so you should be proud of yourself.

          2. Pygmalion24 +4

            Thank you so much for that. Yeah, I’ve acted the exact wrong way in these types of situations enough times that I really wanted to look out for myself for once.

          3. ChippedPolish +7

            Just wanted to second Amardine, here…I am SO impressed that you were able to state what you wanted and stick to it. It’s SO easy to try to squeeze yourself into the space that someone you’re really interested in has available, regardless of whether it’s a space that actually feels good to you and lines up with what you objectively know what you want.

            I just went through that myself, though I spent about two weeks trying to be the Cool Girl before I realized, you know what? Eff being a cool girl–better to just be myself and cut it off. It does sometimes feel like cold comfort, but I think/hope that ultimately this will lead somewhere better.

      2. sfbeee +5

        ha, just commented with the same ask polly!
        also, heather havrilesky was on longform podcast this week and it’s so good.

        1. avocadoavocat +5

          I love her so much. There are a few different letters that she’s written which, if combined, provide an INCREDIBLY COMPREHENSIVE run-down of all my greatest fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and basically how I exist as a human. Going to listen to the podcast yay!

      3. galeforcewind +7

        “The things that have been less helpful include showing up at his apartment and spending the night and then crying together before I leave, so. Don’t do that, I guess.”

        This. 1000x This. Don’t do this. It is THE actual WORST. … Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything. OK, OK, I might have done that like for a month after I told myself no more contact. But hey, it was only a month … righ?

    12. sumkindaintrvrt +8

      This blog has been helping me immensely: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

      Look under “The Blog” and you can search by theme (very helpful, as there are hundreds of posts). The author also has a podcast which has gotten me through the toughest days, when I still have to go to my job and otherwise prove to others I’m among the living instead of stay in my bed forever.

    13. avocadoavocat +18

      The thing that I am struggling with the MOST right now is letting go of the idea that he was the person I was going to build my life with. I’ve never had this feeling after a break-up where I have just ZERO desire to meet someone new and awesome. I remember when I broke up with my college boyfriend, I was doing the online dating thing, and was so hopeful/excited about meeting someone new who could be great. And I just don’t want that now.

      And that makes me feel like oh that MEANS something, the fact that you have no desire to meet someone new, even if he is great, means that the ex really is the one you’re going to be with and that we’ll get back together as soon as he sorts through the personal/mental health issues he is dealing with.

      Anyone else experience that, and can tell me that no, this doesn’t actually mean anything about my future romantic life?

      1. Pygmalion24 +6

        I’m so sorry you’re going through that, and it’s obviously many degrees more painful since you were more involved and invested. I’m not qualified in ANY way to give advice, but just because you feel uninterested in other people now doesn’t mean you will forever! It’s possible that blocking the thought of other suitors is just your heart’s method of self-preservation.

      2. femaelstrom +18

        That makes sense to me! You wouldn’t have been with him – and been happy with him – if you were thinking to yourself “oh, I bet there’s someone better out there.” It sounds like you broke up while you were still kind of in a honeymoon phase, rather than the relationship having run its course, so he still feels like The One to you.

        Give it time. There’s nothing that says you have to move on right away for any reason. Of course you need time to grieve before you’ll feel like being with anyone else.

        It’s not exactly comparable, but I once had a HUGE crush on a guy who seemed perfect for me. We were so ridiculously compatible in every way, it just seemed like there was no reason for us NOT to be together. We made out a few times and then he told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship. It felt so unfair (especially when he started dating my housemate a few months later); at the time it seemed like the universe had created The Perfect Guy For Me and dumped him into my lap.

        It took a long time to get over him, but eventually I saw that there were some pretty big differences between us that wouldn’t have made our relationship compatible. And more importantly, I realized that if he were the Perfect Guy For Me, he would want to be with me, if that makes sense.

      3. whollyword +6

        That’s pretty much where I am at the moment, avocadoavocat.

        Intellectually, I know it doesn’t mean we’ll feel this way forever. What I’m trying to do is to trust that my lack of desire to meet someone new and awesome means that it’s time for me to work on building a life that is new and awesome, whether I’m partnered again or not.

        Also– Just-Ended Relationship was the best one I’ve had, even considering the last couple of years of OW. Being unpartnered would be preferable to me than being in one that’s worse.

        1. avocadoavocat +2

          I think having hope is the hardest part. When me and ex parted, it was very much like, “I love you, but I have to work this stuff out, and who knows maybe one day…” And that’s so hard. That’s so hard. I know that if it were my friend, I would say, you can’t wait for him, you have to move on, etc. etc.

          And yet there’s this part of me that is still just holding on so tightly to the “maybe some day.” I wish I knew how to let go of that. I wish I even knew what it looks like. Does not waiting mean I’m on dating apps? Does it mean in my heart of hearts I don’t say “maybe…”? The first is easy enough, but the latter is so hard. I don’t know how to get there. Maybe it’s just waiting for myself to decide it’s time to stop waiting. I don’t know.

      4. SmrtCookie +3

        I’m sorry you’re struggling. It’s a huge change, and it’s going to take some time to get used to it, especially if when you thought about your future you thought about that person sharing your future. You’re right, your feelings mean things, but they mean things about your past and present, and about your hopes or fears for the future. Your feelings can’t predict the future, especially when there’s another person involved.

      5. Vega Excess +9

        It doesn’t mean anything about your future romantic life. Take whatever time you need, and start looking when you feel ready.

        After a 5-year relationship ended, I didn’t want to date anyone else for more than a year. The ex was great, I thought we were going to have a long future together, and then…I got dumped. So I moped and cried for a while, but then I started doing volunteer work and taking classes and making new friends (I lost custody of most of our friends after the breakup). When I wanted to start dating again, I had a really hot fling that was so much fun it didn’t matter that it was brief. And then I had a really zany year of dating before I met someone I wanted to focus on for a while.

        This is all to say, be patient with yourself. It is normal to mourn the end of a significant relationship. There is nothing wrong with you, and it’s not fate telling you that you need to wait for this man. It’s your heart reeling from a painful change. You’ll get your bearings and you will heal.

      6. eegghh +7

        It really doesn’t mean anything except that you are grieving and also maybe that your relationship didn’t last long enough to move past the part where they seem great with no flaws. It’s hard to no hold out hope, but it’s better if you can avoid doing that to yourself- putting someone who didn’t work out up on a pedestal is going to make moving on harder when you are ready.

        My way of thinking is “relationships don’t get less complicated and easier as time goes on” so you want to start out strong on both sides if you are looking for a life partner. The very fact that he didn’t start out strong is a sign he’s not “the one”- even if a lot of the other things line up. It’s ok to take a break too by the way! When I found myself getting cynical about love and dating I took breaks from hunting, giving myself time to not look and not try and see what happens. Maybe you need some time off? It can be so anxiety making to go out and try and pin down a life long love on a time clock of the appropriate time to settle down and make babies, and then I think you can undervalue yourself and overvalue anyone you date who seems halfway decent. At least for me, taking time to be on my own and see who I was without someone made me go, “oh right I’m awesome. My life with me is great, I’m looking for someone to enhance this, not complete something missing, and if I don’t find it, its ok.” It just helped take the edge off a LOT, after feeling like I had sunk so much time into a 4 year relationship and I was now “behind” in the race of marriage and kids.

      7. OliviaPJones +1

        Yes and yes and yes. I even lived with him for six months (we didn’t live together when we were dating, this was just a dumb-headed early-twenties sublet thing) and tried to pretend I was totally cool with us seeing other people and being super casual roommates. And I was pretty much the opposite of that! So I don’t have any helpful advice except that I realized what I wanted for myself was sex and companionship and didn’t have the emotional space to handle heartbreak anymore, so I sought out both from vastly different types of people (companionship from friends and lots and sex from people I could care less about). I um…what I did was probably not healthy at all. I just wanted you to not feel alone.

        But anyway, what if being heartbroken is like any other sickness and you just need to hurt for a while before you can get over it?

      8. cornpancake +2

        I think it absolutely means something: it means that this relationship actually meant something to you. I think ultimately that is a good thing even though it hurts so much now. You put yourself out there. You let yourself like or love someone who it didn’t work out with. THAT IS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT! Lots of people cannot do that and never do it, and the fact that you have means that you can do it again, when you’re ready. And I trust that if you want to do it again, then in due time, you will be ready.

      9. houblonchouffe +1

        Yeeeeah I totally totally get that. 100%. The guy I dated before I met MrChouffe.

        It was awesome and wonderful in 90% of ways except that he didn’t want a relationship OOPS and our friends were not supportive of it OOPS and when I got engaged he sent me a lovely email saying that if he had to do it over again it would have gone very differently OOPS.

        Boys, man, I tell you what

      1. Pygmalion24 +1

        It is such a good one! I read that when it was posted on Jaya’s piece and it felt ridiculously relevant.

    15. anthemyst +2

      Find some way to be ridiculously busy for the next few weeks. The last time I got over someone, it was because I was in a play and after months of moping Hell Week came along and I honestly was just too busy to even think about him. At the end of it, realizing I’d gone a whole week without being sad about it was stunning.

  7. aravisthequeen +204

    I am super excited to say that this week I FINALLY became a permanent resident in Canada!

    I have been living here for a decade, I have two degrees in Canadian history from Canadian schools, I am married to a Canadian soldier, I own a home here, I’ve worked here for years. I paid thousands of dollars for this, I waited years, I submitted incredibly invasive questionnaires, and it STILL took fucking forever.

    And you know what? The way I did it is the EASIEST POSSIBLE WAY to do it. And considering that I am an educated white woman immigrating from an English-speaking country, this was on Super Easy Mode. If immigration is baking a cake, this is using a box mix and canned frosting, and immigrating as a refugee is like, making one of those crazy European cakes with a zillion layers that you have to bake by turning it on a spit or something. I am so, so, so incredibly privileged that it was as “easy” as it was. Immigration is just a shitty, shitty, shitty process no matter how you slice it, and every time I hear someone say that it’s “simple” or “refugees can just waltz in” or any of the other dozens of idiotic things I hear, I have to grit my teeth so hard I nearly split my teeth. I’m incredibly glad that I’m done, but holy shit, immigration is a nightmare.

    Nothing else, I just wanted to share with you guys.

    1. bighairnoheart +18

      Congrats on getting everything done and I have nothing else pertinent to add so imma just say congrats again.

    2. perianwen +15

      Well, this many years in, I’d still like to say WELCOME TO YOU and we’re glad you’re here.

    5. secondursula +9

      YES a) congrats!!!! b) your conclusions about the process, 100% big flashing lights YEEEES.

    6. winterbymorning +34

      Congrats! I am also glad you’re here.

      Meanwhile, CIC has confirmed that they never received my husband’s citizenship application, which he sent in over 2 years ago. Husband has been in Canada, working for a Crown corporation, for the past 12 years.

    8. allanaaa +6

      Congrats! My partner just got the “Ontario will sponsor you” notification, and has three more months to put together all the *other* ridiculous requirements for the official application. It is crazy and awful.

    9. beachlass +6

      Congrats!!! Immigration is a nightmare, so glad you are through this part of it.

    11. thenotestaken +26

      I got mine earlier this year too! Also the “easiest” way possible for me (experience class), was still very very expensive and took forever (though I’m still willing to bet it was much easier than trying to get similar status in the US would be). And yes, I’ve definitely got a big kick in the butt about how relatively painless my experience was through working with newcomers with refugee status and hearing their stories.

      I recently re-entered the country and was SO excited to use my new PR card and of course the immigration guy was like “okay, next.” I wanted….cake?

      1. aravisthequeen +9

        I’m so excited to get my card! I have to travel back to the states in a couple weeks but it’s by private vehicle so it won’t be as much of a headache if I don’t have the card, but I’m still nervous.

    12. teabeey +17

      Congratulations and welcome! I hope you win something big from Roll up the Rim to celebrate!

      1. aravisthequeen +7

        I am having the WORST year for Roll Up! Usually I have a pretty good track record but this year I’ve been like one for fifteen.

        1. Strophoria +2

          Oh man, i’ll have to send you some of my Roll-Up mojo. I’m six deep into a free coffee daisy chain at the moment, its wild

      2. Crivens +4

        Lol! Tim Horton’s! We have them at least as far south as Ohio. Maple glazed, please. 💗

    15. CaptainNancy +3

      Congratulations! Immigration hurdles are the worst hurdles. (Well not actually the worst, but they suck balls). Hooray!

    16. daisicles +9

      Congratulations!

      I think a lot about how hard even relatively easy immigration processes are. Even my two student visas for the UK, which as an American are incredibly easy to get, still required hoop jumping and forms deciphering. I feel like if more people really and truly understood what’s involved in getting yourself to another country legally, especially if you’re from an ‘undesirable’ country, they might be a bit kinder to immigrants.

      That’s probably a pipe dream too, but I just want to scream at people who have no idea what’s involved.

      1. aravisthequeen +8

        Yeah, just the deciphering of all the forms and requirements is UNREAL and I have no idea how people do it who are undereducated or poor readers or doing this in their 3rd language or whatever. It’s incredibly difficult and like I said, I’m coming at it from Easy Mode. It’s just insanely difficult to do things “the right way” but nobody seems to pay attention to that part.

    17. silverandsnow +4

      Yay, congratulations! Canadian immigration is such a COMPLETE shitshow that it’s amazing anyone gets through it at all (I’ve had friends go through those hoops, and just…wow).

    19. rachelthistle +4

      PAPERWORK FISTBUMP FOR THE WIN! WELL DONE. Every time I successfully navigate an immigration pathway I always want a tiny party and so I AM THROWING ONE FOR YOU. There is confetti (environmentally safe, imaginary confetti) and non-metaphorical cake and a REALLY EXCELLENT soundtrack.

    21. LaxMom +2

      Congratulations! Some of my best friends/biggest personal heroes are transplants to Canada!

    22. alder_tree +1

      One of my former roommates married a Canadian dude. He was on disability, so there was no way she could move to Canada until it was legal for her to work there. It took, what, two years after they were married??? And thousands of dollars!

  8. beachlass +209

    I was just asked if I would mind leaving early today, because of meeting space reasons.

    I do not mind. I do not mind at all.

    1. Social +3

      (Trigger warning: self-harm, depression) Last year after dealing with some severe mental health issues on my own including lots of self-harm and a suicide attempt I finally hauled my ass to therapy and got on medication. My p-doc had me fill out forms for depression and anxiety and I checked off on both of them, so those are my only official diagnoses so far. I started on Lexapro and for a while life got much, much better.

      Unfortunately though, it’s starting to wear off. Things are no longer going well, like, possibly taking a nosedive. I’ve had a couple of what I would term “episodes” in the last couple of months brought on, probably, by stress at work and in my relationship, much of which has been chronicled here. Basically, I relapsed into self-harm. Along with crying more, and dealing with irritability.

      So now I’m contemplating going to a psychiatrist to possibly amend my medication/ diagnoses. My fiancee and I were discussing it and she told me she believes I might be bipolar.

      Toast, I am freaking out about this. I have so much experience with abusive people who also had mental illnesses and for myself I am really invested in following and mimicking and eventually living out, as closely as possible, narratives of “good” mentally ill people who don’t make waves or bother people and just kind of go cry quietly when they’re not feeling well. But everything I read about bipolar is like, “you’re a huge fucking problem for everyone in your life!!!” which feels terrible. I am questioning all my behavior and just now realizing how incredibly scary it must have been for my fiancee to go through this self-harm relapse with me.

      (To me self-harm is kind of nbd because it’s been a problem for me on and off since I was 13. My parents knew but saw it as something to punish me out of rather than to get me help for. I’m kind of at the point where I see it their way and it’s like, this embarrassing childish thing I do that I’m not proud of, kind of like watching too way much TV or paying bills late. I realize now this might not be a normal way to look at it! But I don’t think my body or health is so important that other people should get upset when they see my scars. It’s not worth getting upset over, to me. Let’s talk about something else, anything else.)

      And ugh, since this conversation I’ve started needing assurance that my fiancee still likes me and wants to be with me. But now I’m like, why would she choose this??? She was the one pushing for us to get engaged and I was the one who was unsure. But I feel needy all of a sudden. I hate neediness in other people and I hate being needy.

      I hate feeling like I can’t trust any of my perceptions too. I’m just very freaked that there’s this whole other mental disorder taking up space in my head for years and no one bothered to tell me about it. I’ve always felt like I was an awful person and my therapist tells me regularly that this isn’t true, those are just depressive thoughts and I was on the cusp of maybe believing her but now that’s gone and I feel terrible.

      I don’t know, I’m just not in a good place.

      1. blushingflower +23

        oh, honey.
        This sounds really hard and scary and frustrating. But I want to assure you that bipolar people are not problems. I have multiple friends with bipolar disorder, and they are productive members of society and wonderful friends. Yes, you might need to adjust your meds, yes, you might need to learn some new coping strategies, but that doesn’t make you a “bad” mentally ill person, or a bad person, or unworthy of taking up space in the world.

        Also, you’re allowed to be needy. People have needs. We’ve built up this narrative that we should all be self-contained and self-sufficient, but that’s not realistic. It’s okay to need and want reassurances from your partner, especially when you are questioning your own worth and value.

        1. Ethylbenzene +12

          I hate that narrative. There’s no prize for being the coolest most laid back least needy person except for heartache and sadness.

      2. Bryn (Plus Others) +16

        I am sorry, this sounds so hard and scary. Take some deep breaths, please.

        I have a very fine friend who is bipolar, and she is not a huge problem at all, she is a joy to my life. But the one thing I have taken away from knowing her is that you are very unlikely to be able to /reason/ yourself out of your brain chemistry — or be reassured out of it — so please, said with love and compassion, go ahead and make that pdoc appointment and look into what meds you might need so that there is room in your neurochemistry for the positives.

      3. RamekinRamekin +8

        Social, I am so, so sorry to hear that you are going through this! It sounds like a really rough, scary time. But having a mental illness – whether it’s bipolar or something else – does not make you a problem. It does not make you less deserving of love. It does not make you a bad partner, or a bad person.

        If I could suggest one thing for you right now, in this very moment, it would be to go stand in front of a mirror and say, our loud, “I am worthy of love. My partner loves me. I am a good person. I am deserving of care.”

        I mean, the fact that you’re dealing with all these issues – all this pain and anxiety and fear and confusion – and the thing that’s most worrying you is being a burden on others? That right there says something about your heart.

      4. pretty_monster +16

        diagnosed bipolar here *raises hand*

        not being proactive and taking care of yourself is exactly how to set yourself on the path of becoming the stereotypical “crazy basket case” that, unfortunately, is what most people think of when they envision BP. it can be scary and overwhelming but it’s totally manageable. talk to your doc, adjust your meds, take care of yourself.

        i mean, i’ve managed to turn my hott mess of a self into a productive member of society with passable social skills and fairly low propensity to self-harm. there’s hope for everyone! good luck with it all and i will def be keeping you in my thoughts.

        1. Social +7

          Thank you for commenting, this is pretty helpful! “A productive member of society with passable social skills and fairly low propensity to self-harm” is pretty much what I’m aiming for, so it’s good to hear it can be done with meds and self-monitoring.

      5. logicbutton +6

        This is a terribly hard place to be in, it’s true. Have you told your therapist everything you put in this comment? If not, I think you should. There’s a lot of valuable context here. Working out brain stuff is so complicated because there are so many variables, but if you can give yourself permission to talk about it (and maybe write it down) as much as feels right, you’ll have that much more data to work with. I think you should also give yourself permission to be needy with your fiancee right now. This is that “in sickness” part of the vows that people sign on for when they decide to marry someone.

      6. dorianneemmerton +12

        Hello. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar II after most of my life knowing something was wrong with me but desperate to avoid any diagnosis because then I would be legitimately crazy and no one would love/like/employ/etc me. But now it feels like a relief to have a name for it, because “I’m just moody” was starting to feel like a lie. In fact, I feel afraid that they will take it away from me – my doc said that if the mood stabilizers I just started don’t work they will have to reassess.

        But – my partner loves me. She’s great and supportive and I feel really secure in our relationship, and I’m not really sure why she thinks I’m great, but she does. I think we have to stop analyzing that and just believe it, the way some people believe in god. It doesn’t make any logical sense that people love us, but we have to believe it’s true.

        1. Social +5

          Hi! Thanks for sharing your story and your situation. I was hesitant to name the thing I could be diagnosed with because I don’t want to stigmatise others but for clarity’s sake felt I should just say it.

          I’m glad the diagnosis has been a relief to you though. Hope your meds work and you and your partner have good things in front of you.

      7. Ethylbenzene +4

        Oh Toastfriend, this sounds so incredibly hard. I want to add my voice to the chorus saying that one of my very best friends in the world is bipolar, and it hasn’t always been easy for her or for her partner or her friends. But she is amazing and in a better place now, and we are all here with her still. She’s a successful professional in her chosen field and has a wife and friends who love her. She had to do a ton of hard, scary stuff to get there, it’s true, but she seems to think it was worth it and now talks freely about her diagnosis to help dispel stigma. I think you can get there too, and I am sending you courage and good vibes, if you believe in that kind of thing.

      8. Immunogirl +8

        Speaking here as someone who grew up with a bipolar dad, here.

        Oof. So yes. I do not have a great relationship with my dad. It’s pretty bad, in fact. And I do think that his disorder plays a part in that. HOWEVER. The real reason that we do not have a good relationship is because he has consistently refused to get any help at all for this. He would not go to therapy, he would not take medication, he often completely refuses to admit that he has any problems at all. His bipolar disorder is not an insurmountable problem, it is his other personality traits that make it a terrible situation.

        You are already so far ahead of him. You know that there might be an issue, and there are so many ways that you can live with this, that it doesn’t define you. Already you have decided that your fiancee is important, already you have a therapist. This is actually a really good thing! Some treatments for depression can actually exacerbate bipolar disorder, so figuring out a better medication could really help you.

        Your fiancee loves you. You are not a bad person, the fact that you’re so worried about your effect on her speaks to that.

        1. aintnothingtoit +11

          This, all of this. The willingness to be treated is HUGE, so, Social, you’re already doing great.

        2. Social +5

          Thank you for your perspective, I was hoping someone with a relative/friend/SO with bipolar would chime in.

          My parents also had mental health issues, which were compounded by substance abuse issues, and yeah, my childhood would have looked different if they’d sought help instead of living in denial. So you’re right that it plays a big role. I’m sorry that you had to bear the burden of an illness while your father, the one who actually had it, did not.

          Thank you for sharing your experience.

          1. exitpursuedbyaclaire +8

            To add to the “relative with bipolar” voices, one of my sisters has bipolar disorder (diagnosed a few years ago), but the fact that she has bipolar is *extremely* low down on the list of things that describe who she is in my mind and in the mind of my family. She’s a wonderful sister, daughter, person, and generally an awesome human being. She is also very assertive, and she’s *much* better at sticking up for herself than I am, and much better at going for what she wants in life. This has worked out for her very well. I love her a lot. Lots of people love her a lot. And I’m sorry people have made you feel like bipolar, if you have it, makes you even a hair less worthy of love. Good luck with diagnosis and treatment! Lots of Internet hugs, if you want them.

      9. aintnothingtoit +3

        Oh, honey. This shit is so hard. Big hugs. If I could offer you a glimmer of hope though: my mom, who just turned 59, is bipolar and was diagnosed when she was 16. She has had her struggles, most of which were when she was younger and coming to terms with the diagnosis/not wanting to take her meds, but in all my 24 years of life with her she’s only had two episodes. Which is pretty badass, and I’m so proud of her. She’s healthy and happy – the routines and habits she spent a long time building really really do work. Please remember that this is just an aspect of you. It’s not the entirety of you.

        Also, please talk to your therapist soon! The difference between Bipolar I and Bipolar II can be pretty big, and sounds like it would be best for you to try to pin down what’s going on ASAP, as that will help the meds and hopefully help the panicking.

        Stay safe! <333

      10. androdameia +8

        Another person with bipolar disorder chiming in!

        I think it’s important to remember that a diagnosis doesn’t change who you are. A diagnosis is just a tool to make sure you’re getting the correct treatment. So if you are diagnosed with bipolar disorder, remember that nothing about you has changed. You were and still are a good person who is worthy of love and care (from your fiancee and from others). The only difference is now you have some useful information that’s going to help you get the most effective treatment possible.

        Also, people say a lot of shitty things about mentally ill people. You don’t have to believe them. It’s categorically not true that people with bipolar disorder are problems for everyone in their lives. Sure, there are people who say things like that, and those people are jerks who should be ignored. Don’t let the opinions of idiots affect the way you view yourself. Good luck and let us know how it all pans out. <3

      11. Rocketship +3

        Just adding another voice to the chorus here: my best friend has bipolar II. And thats, honestly, the least interesting thing about him. He is funny, and smart, and has an enormous heart. He cares deeply for his friends and I know I can count on him 100% if I need him.

        I was recently diagnosed with depression, and he was one of this first people I talked to about it. The way he and I are able to support each other has been really, really important to each of us and I wouldn’t give it up for anything.

        You are not your bipolar disorder. You are a person. You happen to have bipolar, the way some people happen to have asthma or a trick knee or allergies. Sure, it may require some management – and getting help can be hard and scary. But you are not defined by this, and you deserve the care you need to be as happy and healthy as possible.

        Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go take my own advice. :p

    2. Spewingllamas +4

      Oh, I’m so sorry you are going through this!
      I was diagnosed as Bipolar 18 years ago. I have been through some seriously rough depressive spirals, where self-care was a no-go and I wanted and planned to die. Through it all, though, I had a family who loved and supported me, a good psychologist, and personal faith.
      I have been married for 11 years to a supportive fellow, I am (hopefully) a decent parent, and I am loved by my family and friends, just as you are. It has taken me a long time, but I have finally realized that there is much more good than bad in my life. I just need to keep up with myself and accept that.
      You can get through this. You are worth more than you know.

  10. smallpistachio +30

    I am still feeling very sick and also emotionally blah, and the Chicago Hamilton thing did not work out so I feel like Fail, and my position at work is being eliminated in favor of a position for which I am horribly ill-suited.

    I just want to go home and watch Song of the Sea all weekend. But I have Responsibilities all weekend.

    may I be angry?

    1. unleavings +14

      You may always be angry, whenever you like. Embrace your rage. Let it flow out of you and into the souls of your enemies like the deadliest venom. Rage away. RAGE.

    2. fakegeekgrrrl +8

      Sending hugs to you!! It’s not your fault the Chicago thing didn’t work out, it sounded pretty complicated and a really big task to take on. <3 <3 I hope you feel better soon, despite Responsibilities.

    3. chiaroscuromom +9

      *Toasthugs*

      Song of the Sea sounds like a fantastic balm. I hope you get a small morsel of time available to watch it.

    4. lbolesta +4

      Be very angry, and then relieved that you won’t have to do the terrible job. I had a similar work situation that I am still Very Angry about, but doing the other job would have made me angrier for longer. I’m currently job hunting as the job after that job got axed as well, so… yeah. Angry away!

    5. alder_tree +1

      Where are you watching Song of the Sea?? I saw it in theaters twice (and bought the soundtrack immediately after getting home the first time) but I’m looking forward to it being on Netflix.

  11. danelleorange +50

    I just bought a bunch of on sale curvy kate stuff. THIS BRINGS ME JOY. BRAAAAAS IN MY SIZE. FOR UNDER 30 BUCKS.

    Unrelated to my bra and swimwear purchases, tell me your tales of business/academia savvy/badassery.

    1. unleavings +35

      Unrelated to either, I misread “sale curvy kate stuff” as “kale scurvy stuff.” Yay, not having scurvy?

      2. elsajeni +25

        I was also super confused about this. “Is curly kale expensive, normally? Is it… better… than regular kale somehow?”

      3. bookwormV +4

        I couldn’t work out what it was saying, but my brain kept insisting that “kale” was in there somewhere.

        1. Thujaplicata +6

          I guess I just need to bite the bullet and get on the bra stop website tonight. It sucks to have to wait for shipping across the ocean, but I haven’t found any place cheaper and the sizing is more useful than the ridiculous mess that is US bra sizing.

          1. alder_tree +1

            If you know a style/brand/size you like, I’ve had decent luck on amazon and ebay.

    3. lemonack +52

      I found out early Wednesday morning that I got into an MSt program at Oxford.

      I don’t think they’re going to offer me funding, and if they don’t cough up I simply don’t have the money to go (it’d be like 50k in USD and I’m leaving with undergrad debt). It was my super long shot why-the-fuck-not application. But on my low-confidence days I’m going to nurse “Oxford thought I was good enough to let in” inside me like a little flame of self-esteem.

      1. unleavings +8

        That’s fantastic! I still wish I had applied — I would never have been able to afford it, but it’s one of my big what ifs.

      2. bookwormV +7

        Congratulations! Overseas student fees are horrifying, so I am sorry if they do prove a barrier to going, but getting in is still an excellent achievement – go you! (I admit, I still look at my own Oxford acceptance when trying to convince myself I am not useless; it is a nice confidence-booster.)

    4. CleverManka +44

      FUCK YEAH GOOD BRAS FOR LESS THAN A HOUSE MORTGAGE PAYMENT!

      The Burgomaster managed a great feat of academic badassery this week. We have a new liberal arts dean and the Burgomaster wrote him an email asking why our teaching awards don’t allow for nominations of non-tenure faculty. Guess what went out the next day, announcing revised nomination policies and extending the deadline?

    5. RLovesRocks +34

      A tenured professor in my department today told me (baby, assistant professor) that he is really impressed by the labs I run for our students (all undergrads) in the courses I teach and how I get them involved in my research. Even though tenure might not actually mean anything in the future thing in my state, it’s great to feel like I’m an important and useful part of the department.

      1. tinypaperme +1

        Congratulations! (And I’m sorry to read that it looks like you live in the same state I do. Sigh.)

    6. sprinkles6 +9

      Where are these bras on sale?!?!?! Do you happen to have a recommendation on whether to go up/down in cup/band size as compared to a Freya Deco?

      1. lemonadefish +3

        Also curious about the where to buy aspect! I have no bras that I can even pretend fit right this moment…

        1. Thujaplicata +4

          The cheapest bras I have bought that actually fit well were from brastop.com – it’s a UK place, so the shipping takes quite a while, but last time I ordered I got 2 bras for under $60, with the shipping. They’re in UK sizing, so you have to convert that, but my one experience was quite good.

        2. Beakses +3

          Amazon a fair bit of the time, if you’re not fussy about color. Nordstrom Rack, if you’ve got one of those around.

      3. AliceIsHopeless +2

        I love Decos, and I find Curvy Kate to be consistent with sizes. But that depends on the style (I only really wear moulded bras, anything with a soft fabric cup always hits me in the wrong place). Have you tried Bravissimo’s online shop? SO many brands and they specialise in full cup/awkward sizes.

    7. iosognodisonno +11

      I saw someone tweet yesterday about their favorite bra starting to poke them it being SO depressing because a good bra costs $80 and I was like “this is pain that I know so well” so Yay on finding cheap bras in your size! Such a big deal!

  12. Beakses +23

    I am super excited about the Month of Blind Women series and have already recommended it to the visually impaired teen girl that just joined our dojo, but then I realized I do not know how accessible the Toast is to the visually impaired. I assume the Toast is on top of it, but would her access be better through the lighthouse site?

  13. ppyajunebug +9

    Oh Toasties, I have such mixed feelings about last night’s episode of The 100. Let’s talk about it here since I feel like this is a safe commentary space.

    1. ppyajunebug +2

      I’m torn between getting the plot reasons behind the death and being disappointed that the way they did it fed into the horrible “kill your gays” trope. And then I’m further conflicted by how fucking rad the world-building was and how psyched I am for furthering the Jaha/ALIE plot and how brutal the response was on social media last night. I completely 100% get the anger and disappointment and frustration and betrayal and those are fair emotions. But I adore the writer of this episode and it was his first one for the show, and he had to deal with death threats both to him and from fans saying they were now suicidal.

      Just…so many emotions

      1. atlasblue85 +4

        from what I understand the actress had to leave the show because of her role on fear the walking dead, so they knew from the beginning of the season that they would only have her through episode 7. certainly they could have written the character off another way but honestly I long ago gave up hope on this show not playing into tropes.

        1. ppyajunebug +6

          I just wish they had her die some other way??? Like, even just have her come in and see Titus shooting at Clarke and dive in front of her to save her? HOW HARD WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN

        2. SalmnChaseUtley +2

          Clarke was just leaving Polis though! They could’ve very easily structured the rest of the season so she was stuck in Arkadia dealing with Pike’s crazy and/or Lexa was off somewhere else dealing with the 12 clans’ crazy.

    2. rawrbook +10

      I am so fucking furious how that all played out that I am almost incoherent with ANGER. The writers/producer played into the laziest tropes after dropping hints in various interviews promising that no this time would be different, but no, queer ladies can have nice things in popular media without dying. And then to kill someone so badass in a way that really didn’t serve the character? Without all the larger sociocultural implications of the particular way this went down, that’s just some shitty writing. I just ugh…

      Thanks for letting me rant about this.

      1. ppyajunebug +6

        Always. Your anger is thoroughly justified and don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t.

        1. rawrbook +8

          Thanks again. Anyway, I just wish they hadn’t built the romantic aspect of the relationship so much just to tear it away in a cruel and kind of lame way? Like, the show runner was suggesting that Lexa’s death was so “imaginative” and “no one saw that coming” when in fact there is a TvTropes page about it.

          Lexa was such a great character that she should’ve died defending her people.

          1. ppyajunebug +8

            Defending her people or at the VERY least defending Clarke. How hard would it be to have her move in front of Clarke to stop a bullet? At least then she’d be dying more like the Heda she was.

            *siiiiigh*

      2. meredithcbrogden +9

        Yeah, I know a lot of fans who were left reeling after last night. And it’s not even just the death, but how they were all led to believe by the showrunner and writers that this would be different and they should hope, and then people DID, and to turn around and write something like this? It’s such a slap in the face. Because it was done on purpose, and that’s honestly just cruel.

    3. studybears +8

      DISCLAIMER first that I have not actually seen the episode, since I haven’t felt like catching up since the massacre of grounders (UGH) but obviously at this point I’ve heard what went down on the show last night. At this point, I’m not surprised, just disappointed. Sure, as with many deaths in tv shows, there are ways to try and justify it with the plot, the actress’s availability, etc; but I feel like that kind of thing can only excuse so much . This is coming from a show that already fridged a female character earlier this season (and like, textbook definition of fridged, too, really no excuse there) and made the leaders of its Trump/9/11/islamaphobia metaphor two men of color, not to mention its questionable treatment of POC characters in the other seasons. They haven’t really earned enough goodwill with their treatment of minorities to excuse this story choice (in my opinion).

      Anyway, I feel like I was always in the minority of viewers/critics anyway in that I never thought the show was really a quality show but enjoyed watching it nonetheless (ugh, sorry to sound like that “ACTUALLY the thing was always bad!!” guy). Unfortunately it seems like season three has been doubling down on all the things that kept me from really loving it in the first place. I’ll just be over here sighing forever into the wind about the show this mess could have been.

      1. rawrbook +5

        Yeah, I only started watching in the last two months-ish, mostly for Clarke/Lexa honestly. It was always just okay sci-fi with some big plot holes (like Mt. Weather literally could’ve radioed the Ark and asked for marrow donations and the two different peoples who saw themselves as “civilized” would’ve made a more easy alliance? Just to name one thing)

        And the wasted potential that the show had with making this a different/awesome show is what is most infuriating/exasperating. Like they had this great and fairly diverse cast, and they ultimately did the blandest most generic thing with them while (as you mentioned) having some questionable narrative choices for their doc characters. I shouldn’t be surprised that it went down, and I guess the most disappointing thing (for me) is that I am surprised when media history and culture tells me I shouldn’t be.

        (Also, I’m still upset about Gina, and Bellamy having a complete reversal of his character arc from the previous season.)

        1. studybears +2

          SO MANY PLOT HOLES. I once saw someone say on Twitter that they only really consider something a plot hole if it is distracting enough that you notice it while watching, rather than wondering afterwards, and that definition of a plot hole really expresses why The 100 is often so frustrating to me, because I spend like half the episodes going “but why…?.”

          And this show gets so much praise for its “bold” and “dramatic” storytelling (aka lots of people die), but like, most of death could have been EASILY prevented by people not making terrible decisions! All the time!! Is the land around Mt Weather literally the only livable land left on earth? If not, why do grounders live close enough to be kidnapped and/or killed by poisonous gas? The mountain men can only go so far, the whatever-they-called the drug-addicted grounders can presumably also only go so far before passing out from withdrawal, and the grounders didn’t seem to have any big plan to take on the mountain before the sky people showed up, so why wouldn’t you just move away?

          Also grounder culture just makes no sense.

          (I am ALSO very upset about Bellamy and Gina)

          (Sorry, I have a lot of feelings about plot holes in this show)

          1. rawrbook +2

            No, I love ranting about plot holes, this is great!

            Honestly, the part of the show that’s the most consistent/free of plot holes is the first few episodes where everything is all Lord of the Flies. It never made sense to me that Mt. Weather would’ve left the 100 to the grounders for so long, especially since they were desperate for genetic diversity and presumably saw the kids as more equal to them than the grounders.

            The grounder culture stuff seems kinda half assed imo, like there was no internal consistency. Also, it miffed me how easily Jaha gave up in the second season and was like ¯_(ツ)_/¯ Earth is literally all I’ve ever wanted but now its time to go wander around in a wasteland.

            I also kind of refuse to believe that the area around D.C. wouldn’t have been more irradiated? And shouldn’t nuclear winter still be happening? Like, if anything everyone should be further away from major cities and near Nebraska/Montana for the best escape from radiation.

            Also, also, I don’t know if you ever watched Battlestar Galactica, but I’m irritated about how much ALIE reminds me of Six, even down to the red dress.

          2. bluewindgirl +2

            Yeah there is no way in hell (a) earth would be habitable, or (b) entire new languages would develop in 97 years. Just go with it– up to this season, the character motivations were believable even if the worldbuilding wasn’t.

    4. coloredlights +13

      Here’s what I said about it in the Link Roundup earlier:

      I watched Buffy as it aired, and Willow and Tara were the first lesbian couple I’d ever seen. I watched Tara die two months after my 17th birthday.

      I just watched Lexa die in the exact same way two days before I turn 31. This has been going on for my entire adult life.

      And you know what? The 100 is so much less important to me than Buffy was, and in a lot of ways I am more equipped to deal with this storyline emotionally. But even though I am now out, married to a woman, and living a life I wasn’t sure could exist, watching this happen again doesn’t really hurt any less.

      (Adding this now: I can’t seem to stop hoping she’s not actually dead. Don’t ask me how that would be possible, considering the scene, but for some reason it’s still there in my mind.)

    5. silverandsnow +2

      I love this show for many reasons and also understand why they used Lexa’s death to advance the AI plot, because the actress was no longer available…but yeah, do not agree with when and how they killed her. No matter what justification is given it still plays into the dead lesbian trope and I really expected better from these writers.

    1. Linette +16

      Y’all, this has not been a good week. I’ve been sick with the flu and haven’t been tracking finances closely, so I have no idea what I have for money in, money out.

      What I do know is that I paid off a massive dental bill before it went to collections, and I am pleased about that.

      My total debt has gone down, to $31,866.07, and my credit card has gone up slightly because of interest charges, to $19,716.07.

      In general, I’ve been better about tracking my finances and I probably would have been unable to pay that bill at any other time because I would have been unprepared, so I’m feeling pretty good about my progress. How are you doing, Toasties?

      1. Ethylbenzene +11

        After our grocery overage last week we are back on track and now have a fairly comfortable $150 cushion! Tax returns are all going to the credit card and medical bills and startup business expenses (oh my god it’s actually happening), and Simple’s envelopes continue to keep me on track by hiding my money from myself hahaha!

      2. mkmorrow +15

        Yay for paying a big ass bill!

        I am having a sad financial week. The IRS took my tax refund for back taxes, which I was not expecting. I am divorced. The back taxes are from the last year my ex and I filed jointly. He has a payment plan set up because the unpaid taxes are HIS FAULT AND PROBLEM, so it honestly didn’t occur to me that the IRS wouldn’t give me my $612.

        I’m not desperate for the money (it will be a lean month without it, but still possible), but…bummer. That’s, like, 2 car payments. I will have to deal with the IRS and the ex if I want the money. Mostly I don’t want him to benefit from it, so I’m going to try to get it back. Sigh. I’m trying hard not to beat myself up over the series of bad decisions that led to this.

      3. chiaroscuromom +5

        Hey, thanks for the reminder! I need to set a budget for my roadtrip next weekend. Whee hee hoo!

      4. daystarre +9

        I just wanted to say that thhe pre-jump gif is amazing, and thank you so much for that.

    2. RudyRed +8

      I have not been doing great. I was able to pack lunches for a bit, but I fell back to just buying lunch. Graaaaaah. I’m also trying to rein in social spending. I think I’m doing okay…ish?

    3. lemonack +7

      I have not been great about tracking because “busy” and “tired” are convenient excuses, and I just needed to cough up for plane fare to a conference. I am working on building up a cushion before I have to start repaying student loans, and have saved up one month’s worth of expenses though, so that’s a victory!

    4. allanaaa +9

      I found a lease transfer for my apartment! That’s an extra $1000 bill off my plate every month, hallelujah. And I have it for another month so I still have time to Kon Mari my shit and consign most of my wardrobe, and put a bunch of stuff on Craigslist.
      I’m strongly contemplating a yard sale in the spring. I have so much too much stuff.

      Tax return came in as expected; sent out my invoices last week so those cheques’ll be rolling in soon. I’ve decided against a student-loan lump sum because I think an emergency fund is a priority right now.

    5. megalesias +9

      Spent $500 on car repairs on Monday, soooooooooo

      bleh. I have the budget to cover it but I’m still so aggressively UUGGGHHHHH this week because of that

    6. Period_eye +12

      So I got my federal tax refund yesterday and it was in my account for all of 8 seconds before I paid down my Amex (which had been used to buy 4 European plane tickets for summer holiday). So I am feeling good – have a plan for dealing with remaining credit card debt, and structured loan debt (house repairs) should be paid off in… November. Which is a bummer, but I keep telling myself the trip > the couple hundred bucks in interest saved if we paid off loan first, and like, re-tiled the bathroom.
      Experiences over material objects, right? RIGHT?

    7. jlper +7

      My finances are GARBAGE right now.

      1. Had to pay security deposit first months rent on a new place, plus cost of movers, because ex-landlord decided last month she’d rather have a STR than long-term tenants. In the end, new place is actually better and cheaper, but the time between paying the new security deposit and getting the old security deposit back is tough.
      2. I have my car insurance on a 6-month schedule, which again is cheaper on average than paying their monthly rate, but having $600 taken out all at once (while you’re moving!) is painful.
      3. Boyfriend was just let go yesterday. Boss says it’s a scheduling thing because he wants everyone to be full-time now, but given that BF was willing to be full-time, was the employee who’d been there longest, was never late and never called in sick or asked for time off, and ex-boss is kinda scummy it seems like it’s probably related to the fact that:
      4. We’re going on vacation in less than two weeks! We’ve been saving for a while, but we were kind of relying on BF’s last paycheck to help with expenses while there, especially because he doesn’t get paid vacation. (Yay, service industry!)

      So now we have significantly less than we thought we would a month ago, and unemployment benefits and security deposit won’t arrive until we’re back from the trip basically.

    8. lemonadefish +8

      Spent $200 at the dentist = blah
      He was able to save my rotten little baby molar = not spending $5k on an implant!! woo!
      Took the baby to the emergency room for a dislocated elbow, but she cured herself before she saw a doctor = free!
      Cannot stop buying fabric that I have no where to put and will not get around to using unless I live to be 347 years old = not great
      Going to do taxes this weekend. Hoping for some sort of refund, which will go straight into house repairs.

      1. lemonadefish +10

        oh yeah and I got an 8% raise on Wednesday! First raise in three years, but I’ll take it.

      2. nplteenstuff +2

        Urgh! Three times I took baby #2 to the ER/urgicare for that darned nursemaid’s elbow thing. Twice he “fixed it” himself. Third time the doctor reset it and Mr. Two-year-old wore a protective sling for all of 5 minutes.

        1. lemonadefish +1

          Yeah, I mean, I’d rather spend an hour and $0 than three hours and $250, but really, couldn’t we have just fixed it at home if that’s what was going to happen? Oh well. Now crossing fingers we didn’t pick up some exotic new virus in the waiting room.

      3. zzblock +3

        I have a slowly rotting baby molar too, and I am petrified of the possibility of having to pay for an implant someday … you give me hope.

        1. lemonadefish +1

          The sooner you get it seen to, the longer it will last! I think this is my fourth or fifth filling in this tooth. It probably can’t take another cavity, but no one thought it could take this one, either…

    9. ectocool +10

      I just bumped up my 401(k) contributions from 3% to 4%, after telling myself I would do that for six months now. My job matches up to 6 so I’ll increase it in another six months or so.

      My #1 financial goal is to have $10k in the bank (between checking&savings) at any one time. I’m at like 8.7k right now BUT I am going on vacation in three weeks plus I plan to move when my lease is up in June sooooo that’s probably going to be a long way off?

      On the bright side, I made my budget back when gas was almost $4 a gallon so I’m planning on saving the difference that way.

    10. robotneedslove +9

      Finances!

      On the “in the black” side: Last week I got a rather large bonus, which *may* enable us to buy a home in the summer after our lease is up. (Which, omg, entering the real estate market where I live is utterly terrifying. Also my beloved betrothed recently told me that he doesn’t think we can live in a one bedroom because our cats won’t like it, which is both true and ridiculous.)

      And this week I got quite a large raise – like more than 10% of my salary.

      Both I was hella expecting, because my performance last year was good to say the least. But they are still nice!

      On the “in the red” side: We are getting married in 3 weeks, and money has become basically meaningless. Spend it! Spend it all!

      1. fromafar2013 +1

        “Also my beloved betrothed recently told me that he doesn’t think we can live in a one bedroom because our cats won’t like it, which is both true and ridiculous.”

        SAME

        When my betrothed and I move in together we need a place with at least 3 bedrooms (or a finished basement, or something), one for us, one for the cats, and one for our computers and guitars (to keep them away from the cats). It basically rules out both our houses, and the cats are seriously a huge reason why we haven’t moved in together and gotten married yet. The cats. Cats. I love them, but hell.

    11. fromafar2013 +1

      I’m doing okay-ish. I’ve been an adult lately, ‘spending’ money on things that are good decisions, but I’m left with like $50 in checking right now, so I’m still having to be carefuler than I like to be and not saving as much as I want.

      I checked my credit report, and as I suspected it’s awful. I found out that when I consolidated and refinanced my student loans, I wasn’t fast enough and missed about $30,000 worth that are now in collections. Eeep. I have no way of dealing with those right now. It’s in my ignore pile for a bit.

      I also had a few smaller debts in collections from when I was unemployed, about $400, so I used all of my ‘spending’ money and some savings paying them off. I also dropped $200 on my last and only store credit card in an attempt to at least pay it down to the credit limit again.

      Then I had to take my car in for service. I was scheduled for the 55,000 mile maintenance, but I drive so freaking much that I also needed the 60,000 mile service too, so instead of $15 it ended up being $170. Not awful, but I wasn’t glad about it either.

      The gif reminds me that I also need to take my dog to the vet for boosters and such sometime before the end of the month. Blah.

      The good news is I’m in the green on all of my regular bills and utilities and have arranged things so they go out early or on time and evenly distributed between my pay days, so it feels really organized and I’m able to plan ahead for things easier. I also was able to negotiate a lower payment for my consolidated federal student loans by using an income based repayment plan, so that saves me about $80 a month. I still have $400 in saving (instead of $600) but I should be able to put at least $300 in savings this month regardless to replenish it and get back on track to building my emergency fund.

    12. Strophoria +3

      I am doing my taxes myself for the first time, and since I’m considered an independent contractor, I seem to have unlocked the bonus Hard Mode of taxes. Especially because groceries are a claimable expense, so I have a million tiny receipts to find. Hooray for being an adult.

      However, in going through all my pay receipts I found out that I made a *shockingly* small amount of money. Toasts, I made less that $10,000 Canadian dollars in an entire year – and spent $3000 on a new bike and a trip to Connecticut, and currently have $2000 in savings. Which means I’ve somehow managed to live on less than $400 a month for an entire year. I’m torn between feeling impressed and kind of alarmed, but at least I’ll get a nice big tax return to finance my next trip!

  15. daisymerolling +24

    Heya everyone! Quick College Update because I’m leaving for New York at 5:30 tomorrow morning and I’ve got a lot to do…
    Things are great, Scholar’s weekend was amazing, I got to hang out with a whole bunch of amazing incoming first years for next year. My interview to get onto the Orientation Council is at 2. I auditioned for another play, didnt get in, but it’s whatever. I get to costume instead. I am just so excited for new york and then after that to get home to my family.
    Also….I have a date??? with a boy??? After my break, and his, since he’s at Tech.
    One more thing! I made a tumblr post entitled “Hamilton Characters as The Toast Articles” http://pansexual-link-larkin.tumblr.com/post/1402…
    Talk to you guys later! I’m going to get some tacos and bread pudding.

    1. slowseptember +5

      I am going to luxuriate in your Tumblr post as a work break this afternoon.

    2. emmysuhweeks +1

      All of this sounds awesome! Congratulations to you and keep on kickin’ ass!

    3. Eris +5

      I’m super happy for you! Man, bread pudding sounds lovely right now.

      Also you NAILED it with the Hamilton list. I cracked up when I hit Lafayette and sort of never stopped.

    4. CleverManka +5

      Please feel free to come back with photos and detailed descriptions of the bread pudding.

  16. ingeborggeht +40

    Meaningless question to help get me through an afternoon of administrative tasks:
    What is your “mini-super power”? I mean something that you’re particularly good at that isn’t necessarily awe-inspiring but is amusing or useful. The two I can think of of mine are the ability to turn most ideas into limerick form and a high degree of skill in weekly meal-planning and grocery shopping. Nobody awards medals for those…
    So tell me yours!

    1. falcofield +29

      I have a “Hey, it’s that guy/lady!” facial recognition system for actors from the mid-to-late 90s. UNCANNY.

      I also have this incredible gift where I go through the hassle of finding a movie I want to watch, torrenting it, and then a week later, it appears on Netflix.

      1. ingeborggeht +10

        Oooh, can I give you a list of movies to torrent so that they appear on Netflix?! Your facial recognition powers would make me much less annoying to watch movies with.

    2. mkmorrow +47

      On-foot navigation. I can find my way back to a starting point even in bewilderingly tangled medieval cities, even drunk.

    3. Pygmalion24 +41

      I am Yenta the matchmaker. My gift is matching people up for professional, romantic, or friendship reasons. Usually the results are quite good, but unfortunately I cannot use my talents for myself.

      I’m also fantastic at doing literally no work on Fridays, apparently.

      2. Friesbeforeguys +8

        Um…please match me professionally with someone who will help me get the awesome job I need. Thanks in advance.

    4. Linette +21

      I am an excellent parallel parker. I am also very good at dealing with aggravating customer service lines. I wish I weren’t good at that last one, but I am.

    5. emmysuhweeks +7

      I can’t really think of mine right now (smiling? hugging?) but my husbands are The Super Sniffer Nose that can tell when food is done in the oven without setting a timer (whaaaat?! Also know as Actually Being Able to Cook) and also always being able to guess correctly which box of Chinese food is his and which one is mine without peeking. Ha!

    6. unleavings +29

      I am the baby whisperer. I can get almost any small child to grin for me within a minute of meeting them. It’s pretty awesome.

    7. hlmorris85 +16

      My weirdest superpower is that I always correctly guess the sex of my friends and families babies (so far anyway). We’ll see if my luck holds when my nephew or niece pops out in a few weeks…I’m betting nephew.

      1. bighairnoheart +10

        Oooo. That’s my mother’s super power too. She can tell with everyone but herself.

    8. jwhittz +17

      Getting the Final Jeopardy question right, even when I’m only guessing. Recently they revealed the category and I guessed The Count of Monte Cristo before they even went to commercial break and I was totally right. (My husband is mad I won’t take the test, but I would do VERY POORLY actually playing the game for real, guaranteed.)

      Also I am an excellent shopping companion for my friends who are indecisive shoppers. I am here to talk you into or out of whatever purchase you just can’t seem to commit to on your own.

      1. askelade +50

        My 5-year-old kid tries to do this. He loves to watch “Jeopardy!” but, being 5, doesn’t really GET “Jeopardy!”

        Every time Alex reveals the Final Jeopardy category, my kid will shout out “I guess [non sequitur]!” My favorite was when the category was “Natural Wonders,” and he said “Mama, I think it’s LEAVES!!!!”

    9. evieskye +20

      I have impeccable, lighting fast Canadian sci-fi character actor recognition and I have a psychic link to the library’s little printer so I always know when it needs paper before it runs out.

    11. bighairnoheart +16

      Song/artist recall.

      Also for the longest time I had my mother convinced I knew Old Church Slavonic or something just because I knew all the songs and responses. Nope. I’m just really good at saying things that sound vaguely like the foreign stuff that everyone around me is saying at the same time that they’re saying it. Also I’m a fairly good guess when it comes to what comes next musically with songs/chanting so it all works out pretty well.

      1. mydonkeyfeet +3

        Me too! Not with Slavonic, but I can remember songs really well and I can also mimic sounds of foreign words. Listening to opera is how I first learned Italian and French.

        And I can remember music super duper well, like theme songs to TV shows I didn’t even watch regularly in my childhood, or commercial jingles, or what music my high school band played (I wasn’t in band).

    12. foxinthe_snow +28

      Turns out I have a very very acute sense of smell. This is both a blessing and a curse. Though right now I can smell woodsmoke and that’s pretty nice, assuming it’s coming from something quite far away and not my house…

      1. mydonkeyfeet +4

        I have an acute sense of smell for bad smells. I’m not like one of those perfume super-smellers, but I can smell solvents or mold or dead animals in the woods or mildew on clothes. Blech.

        1. wondertwin2 +3

          YES. I am the first to find gas leaks and mold. It would be better if it were cookies and flowers.

          1. mydonkeyfeet +5

            And isn’t it frustrating when nobody else smells it, so they don’t believe you? We are the Cassandra smellers. But then it’s so affirming when half an hour later they say “Oh yeah, I do smell it now. Better get someone to check on that.”

          2. cheekypinky +4

            SAME!!! There was a time at an old job where I said the water from the cooler smelled and tasted funny, but no one agreed with me until a couple of months later, when we discovered that the entire inside of the cooler was COATED in mold. #vindication #grossgrossvindication

      2. tinypaperme +4

        I can smell even the tiniest of gas leaks. Fortunately this does not prove to be handy very often.

    13. Frumiosa +12

      I’m really good at playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Also editing other peoples’ writing while procrastinating on my own.

    14. CleverManka +45

      I have the worst low-level bad luck in the world. Nothing is ever a devastating tragedy, but the small things that can go wrong almost always do. I call it my low-hanging cloud.

      ETA: Oh! I forgot my actual superpower because I haven’t used it in so long, thanks to being in a monogamous relationship for over a decade. Any man I have sex with will marry the next woman he dates. This has been true since the first guy I had sex with in high school. We’re talking an uninterrupted series of a lot of guys.

      1. geekcrackteam +12

        I had that super power as a teen! Any guy I had any kind of relationship would claim he didn’t want a relationship, and then stay in their next relationship for at least 4 years.

        1. CleverManka +4

          People have told me that I should write a memoirs book but I have seen first hand how writing is exhausting (my partner and BFF are both published authors) and I am L-A-Z-Y lazy so it probably won’t ever happen. If I change my mind, though, Toasties will be the first to know, definitely.

      3. SmrtCookie +7

        Oh, I totes have that last super power. There was 1 dude who didn’t but he did have a long-term monogamous relationship almost immediately after we banged so I think we just didn’t have enough sex to make it stick.

      4. elisarebecca +4

        OH MY GOD I forgot this other super power: Giving no giggles to male humans who are full of shit (this coincides with turning off my social anxieties around humans who just do not notice stuff and are minimal communicators), not communicating with them on the full-of-shit level until they reveal their true personalities to me, and seducing them into actual friendship. !

        1. elisarebecca +1

          I totally replied to the wrong comment but it’s 2pm on Friday and my brain is foggy.

    15. RabbitIsland +19

      I can whistle nearly anything in perfect pitch. Very amusing to me but not at ALL useful to anyone!

    16. lrljhnsn +47

      my blood sugar is rock solid. when i get hungry, exactly nothing happens to me. i don’t get tired, cranky, weak, nothing. i could go days without eating if i didn’t love food so much.

      so when shit goes down and i need to survive in the wilderness, me and my fat stores will be just fine.

      1. mkmorrow +28

        OMG, I am jealous of this super power. My blood sugar is all over the place and I get jittery, angry, and panicky. I have fat stores! Why don’t they WORK?

        1. lrljhnsn +10

          i also have the superpower of being an insensitive jackass to miserable hungry people, so, it has drawbacks. 😛

      2. bookwormV +3

        I wish I had this. My body has loads of fat stores! Why is it not using them when I get hungry?

      3. alder_tree +5

        I am so fucking jealous.

        Like, y’know how when you go to yoga class they want you to have an empty stomach? That means I have to time a real meal (not a snack, a fucking meal) like exactly an hour and a half before class, because otherwise by the time I leave class I am shaky and upset.

        I have to eat not long after I wake up or I literally cry.

      1. PierrePoutine +8

        I have the same power with regard to the original Degrassi Junior High series. It’s an important social contribution.

    18. annecara +17

      I can put my makeup on in the dark and have it come out looking just fine. (Not, like, pitch-black dark, but early-morning, no lights on dark.)

    19. safi +27

      My 3 biggest tiny superpowers are:
      Ability to tell if things hung on wall are level or not (within millimeters of accuracy)
      Ability to tell exact ambient temperature
      Ability to tell if sync sound is off in video (one time my editor kept telling me it WAS in sync, then I made him go deeper and he realized it was HALF A FRAME off. My post-production sistren will know how unpossible/bizarre this is)

      (also eff you patriarchal spellcheck for telling me sistren is not a word, though brethren is)

      1. fromafar2013 +2

        “Ability to tell if sync sound is off in video”

        That’s a good one! I have a slightly less precise version of this, as evidenced by my experience in editing classes, especially with group projects. People would hand me shit that they swore was ‘just fine’ and it was always horribly off. I was always final pass editor for this reason.

    20. catcet +23

      I’m accidentally stealthy. People regularly think that they’ve lost track of me when I’m actually standing next to/behind/in front of and three feet away from them, but it only happens when I’m not trying to do it.

      1. permanentteal +6

        That exact same thing happens to me. I’m trying to learn how to be stealthy on purpose now.

      2. mydonkeyfeet +10

        That’s really cool! I suppose I’m accidentally stealthy in that I’m short, and tall people run into me or back into my face with their backpacks, ugh. So I’ve learned to compensate by calling attention to myself, because I hate having my personal space invaded. Sometimes just saying “There’s a person back here!” (Or one time “I have a knife!” when someone was backing into me in a crowded elevator. I did have a very tiny xacto knife for sharpening my drawing pencils, and my arms were full of art supplies, and I was afraid they would back right into the knife.)

        I guess I’m more just invisible than stealthy. Hmph.

      3. Strophoria +4

        I have the inverse of this – I loose track of people constantly, even when they’re just walking beside me.

    21. SmrtCookie +49

      I am an excellent test taker. I wish there were more tests for adults. I half-considered going into law because I though the bar exam would be both easy and fun.

      1. PaigePoo +21

        Similarly, I am an excellent note-taker. I loved school, and studying, and I loved a job that I had in grad school that consisted of taking minutes at transportation planning meetings.

        1. Pygmalion24 +6

          I love love love taking notes. It’s half the reason I miss college so much.

      2. lemonadefish +14

        I am also very good at tests! I have taken several professionally (eight of them) but now I’ve pretty much run out.

        1. SmrtCookie +30

          I think you’re underestimating my super power. I’m not a very good test taker, I’m an excellent test taker!

    22. Leebrarian +28

      I need 11 (or 27, or 31) sheets of paper – I grab 11 (or whatever) sheets of paper. Like, 90% of the time. Totally useless! I still have to count them to make sure! It doesn’t save any time! But there it is.

      1. alder_tree +2

        My first job out of high school was at a deli, and I was good at grabbing exact amounts of stuff before putting it on the scale. Like, Oh, you want a pound of that? *grabs meat, places on scale, it’s 0.98lbs*

    23. mittenstheboar +10

      I have really good eyesight. And this is more of a curse but nothing will stay in my ears–earbuds, those little foam earplugs you squish that supposedly mold to your ear shape, nothing. It all flops right out.

      2. m98widow +5

        Same! And it hurts while it’s in there. I’m stuck with over the ear headphones.

      4. alder_tree +1

        I had to buy smaller earplugs recently because regular ones were irritating my TMJ disorder. Ugh.

    24. OncoMouse +24

      I am very good at puns and exceptional at punny titles for academic articles.

      I can find my partner’s lost items in under five seconds.

      I can identity what song is playing in a crowded restaurant/bar, either in real life or on television, with a high degree of accuracy.

    25. firstmute +8

      Ooh ooh I have a high degree of skill in meal-planning and grocery shopping, too. (I actually plan monthly!).

      It’s less of a super power, though, and more of a skill grudgingly and painfully acquired over the past few years.

    26. bird_internet +41

      I am excellent at eyeballing measurements. Do you think this is a half cup? Will this shelf fit in the bathroom? Step aside, everyone, I got this.

      1. ayelltee +28

        I’m a subset of this: give me any leftover food in a pot, pan, mixing bowl, etc. and I’ll be able to pick out the perfect Tupperware container to fit it in. Never too big and therefore hogging refrigerator space; never too small so you have to scrape bits into a second container.

      2. geekcrackteam +15

        I’m quite good at that too, but I also know the measurements of all of my limbs so I can use them as a makeshift ruler; also i used to be able to walk distances perfectly in sets of 3ft/1m, but that’s a horse girl thing.

        1. alder_tree +1

          From my left fingertips to my right shoulder is very close to a yard. Very handy.

      3. Räven +4

        I also have this! I am also excellent at estimating seating capacity, crowd size etc. related: can identify larger slice of cake, even if difference is less than a gram.

      4. Strophoria +5

        I have a different version of this – I can estimate if furniture will fit in a car or through a door with ridiculous accuracy. I am also very good at angling awkwardly-shaped items to fit through tight spaces that would otherwise not work.

        Also I can guess what kind and size of screwdrivers will be required to disassemble most anything, although this is less a superpower than a skill I have deliberately cultivated.

        1. alder_tree +2

          I’m so jealous of y’all with good spatial reasoning! I am so shitty at it.

    27. Scared_Vagina +16

      I too have the limerick thing!
      Also, lining up where I stand on the train exactly with where the exit will be on the platform.

      1. ingeborggeht +4

        Yay, limericks! I am secretly relieved that no one has demanded proof–I would choke from performance anxiety!

        1. Scared_Vagina +19

          This is lame but it’s so late nobody will read it anyway:
          There once was a site called The Toast
          With ladies as readers and hosts
          The vibe was so cool
          And the content did rule
          We came to love it the most.

    28. ksek +17

      I am immune to brain freeze. This is only useful to me, but is amusing to others. I’ve chugged many icy cold beverages just to prove to friends that I will feel no pain.

    29. elisarebecca +15

      I am VERY good at summing up funny things with dorky sketches – so, passing notes with stick figures and voice bubbles. I’m kind of bummed that my non-school life has basically no appropriate note-passing times.

        1. elisarebecca +6

          Haha, I”m really only good when it’s ridiculously context specific. So I guess my actual skill is that I’m good at talking to my friends..

    30. geekcrackteam +17

      Packing. In particular packing vehicles and small spaces (as in my job used to involve packing lorries regularly, and I kicked ass.). I can also remember exactly where I put everything and if it isn’t there its becuase someone has been messing with my packing.

      And I can do my makeup in pretty much any moving vehicle you can think of

      1. spring chickens +3

        Oh yes, mine is packing too. Packing up houses, packing cars, or packing bags, and traveling extremely light. To the degree that people remark on it pretty often.

        I am so glad you mentioned this because I had forgotten and was starting to feel inexact, imprecise, and out-of-tune after reading the other superpowers here, ha!

    31. coloredlights +14

      I’m really good at untying knots.

      Also, I know most people in this day and age are quite good at Google, but based on reactions from coworkers/friends, I might be better (or at least faster) than average.

    32. gripyfish +17

      I do not get cold easily, which is both a superpower and sure to be my tragic downfall when I get hypothermia and die from sheer stubbornness/not wanting to wear a coat in the winter.

      I am also very good at remembering small facts and details regarding events I’ve only been told about after the fact. I may not have gone to that ‘clean out Jim’s dorm-room bar’ party my fiancee went to in undergrad, but I can certainly tell you all about it.

      1. meredithcbrogden +7

        I also don’t get cold easily! One morning I went for a run in short and a t-shirt and I didn’t realize how cold it was until I got back into my apartment and it felt like walking into a sauna. A lot of the time, I am aware it is cold and that my skin feels like ice, but I don’t FEEL like I’m cold.

        1. Strophoria +4

          Same here! I must have been a huskydog in a past life, because I worked outdoors for six hours yesterday in a flannel and a hoodie, and later learned that it was -21°c. As long as my hands and ears are warm, I’m happy.

          The downside is that I am always wayyyy too hot in the summer, and I’m prone to frostbite on my feet because I don’t notice until it’s too late.

      2. tinypaperme +4

        They’ll find my body alongside yours in the same ice floe, then, because I routinely go out in the winter with too few layers since I know I’ll heat up within minutes. I did a winter race once when it was -13º F and I had to stop a quarter mile in to take off a layer. (I also stopped to take off my socks about two miles from the end.)

      3. mydonkeyfeet +3

        I don’t get cold easily either! I went to Barrow Alaska in winter and finally admitted I was cold when I walked out on the frozen ocean without thermals under my work trousers.

    33. lemonadefish +14

      I am very good at gluing things together tidily and in a properly aligned fashion. Occasionally this is useful. Mostly it just makes me feel smug.

      1. mydonkeyfeet +2

        You should make dollhouse furniture (where neat and tidy tiny precise gluing is important) or become an art conservator for things like glass and ceramics!

    34. algebraic +10

      I can’t smell farts.

      I can hang pictures in a group perfectly level and evenly spaced by just eyeballing them.

        1. fromafar2013 +2

          Soooo, you guys want to come over to my house? I have two levels, and one laser level, and NOTHING looks level in my house. I hung some wall shelves, using the laser level, and when I set my pencil on the one I hung while I was working on the other, it rolled off so fast it ended up across the room.

          I make good tea. And there are chocolate chip cookies.

    35. actuallycabbage +6

      Finding a book title based on a loose description of the plot or a character.

    36. sfbeee +20

      very good at remembering when random things happened, by triangulating what i was wearing / what i was worrying about / what else was going on. this applies to things both weeks ago and a decade ago.

      “no no, pops, that was most CERTAINLY in 2006 because of x y and z”

      1. Summer +1

        Similarly! I can still recall all the dates a dozen or so of my friends lost their “virginities”, and various other meaningless dates like when X told me a childhood story or the date I moved house, even if I was, like, ten (not “like”: I was ten and six months and two days) (the last of which has turned out incredibly useful because I’ve moved a lot and across various countries and many forms wants to know the exact dates).

    37. illyria83 +14

      Silly parody lyrics. I am way too lazy to come up with an entire song, but random lyrics pop into my head all the time.

      Also, it turns out that I am very good at memorizing and delivering fast, complicated raps. (I’d explain, but you know already.) And it makes me feel just a little bit badass (and insanely happy) when I’m able to pull it off.

      Neither of these are useful at all except to entertain myself while driving or dancing around the kitchen.

      1. betsymore +19

        Me too in re: parody lyrics. I only discovered this recently, because it turns out that when you have a baby, you spend a lot of time singing silly songs. Recent versions include “Poop! There it is,” “All the Silly Babies,” and, over the holiday season, “Hark! The Screaming Infant Cries” and “O Little Girl of Belmont, Mass.”

    38. znfchick +4

      Mine is making the leftovers/perishables come out exactly even right before going for a trip. Also getting all the elements in a meal to be finished and hot at the same time (cold bacon and hot eggs are disappointing).

    39. Faintly_Macabre +10

      I’m a good mimic, though it backfires in that if I spend too much time with someone, I’ll unconsciously start adopting the way they speak.

      I have a ridiculous memory for song lyrics and can think of a song relevant to any given situation I’m in very quickly (great for gchats at work or texting friends!)

      To steal Jane Marie’s phrase from an old Hairpin post, I have Google-fu. This is definitely less innate than a consequence of me wasting too much time reading everything about any subject that catches my interest.

      1. alder_tree +2

        ” though it backfires in that if I spend too much time with someone, I’ll unconsciously start adopting the way they speak.”

        I do this completely unintentionally and I haaaaaate it. Especially when I’m worried that I’ll sound like I’m making fun of someone. Or when I used to have a good friend who said “dude” as every other word.

    40. bighairnoheart +5

      Oh. I forgot. My real super power is finding things. All sorts of things. Especially hidden or otherwise special ones.

    42. floridagal1 +6

      Mini super powers: a half-ass mind palace and knowing which cardinal direction I’m going at all times.

    43. liarbyrd +3

      I am very good at remembering short strings of letters and/or numbers, e.g. phone numbers or passwords. Don’t ask me to memorize, like, a whole poem or anything, because I’m /terrible/ at that.

      1. mydonkeyfeet +1

        That’s great! That’s exactly opposite of me. You’d be a good eyewitness for a crime involving cars and license plates.

    44. lynx137 +11

      I’m a really good personal shopper for my friends, especially at thrift/consignment stores. Top score is a gown for my friend: originally $1500, found for $15, fit her perfectly.

    45. mydonkeyfeet +4

      Making up new lyrics to songs, on the spot, with rhymes. Or transposing one set of lyrics to a different song. (The other day I was listening to an old folk song about some King Henry, and I didn’t know all the words so I starting singing Mary Had A Little Lamb to the same tune.)

      Also I can identify music that sounds like other music, which sometimes makes me good at identifying who the composer is, and sometimes allows me to combine totally unrelated pieces of music (like a nonsense medley of the hymn “All creatures of our God and King” with “Scotland the Brave.”) This has no actual useful purpose at all, but it helps me keep up with my more musical friends.

      1. tinypaperme +2

        I can do that second one too! I’ll be singing something in my head and then it will totally morph into a different song. Like, say, I’ll be humming the Indiana Jones theme and then it turns into the University of Oklahoma’s fight song. (No clue why I even know OU’s fight song, but okay.)

        1. mydonkeyfeet +1

          I just found it on Youtube, and wow, it does sound like a knock-off of Indiana Jones!

    46. anthemyst +7

      I have a really good memory for stand-up routines. Exact wording, intonation, etc. Also sometimes I feel like I have a supernaturally good sense of direction, but only around my husband.

      (That is, being around my husband makes me feel like my sense of direction is supernaturally good in comparison, not that my sense of direction gets worse when he’s not around)

    47. silverandsnow +5

      I don’t get lost! Walking or driving, I can find my destination. It’s pretty useful when on your second day in new city, the friend you’re following loses you at a light and you have to figure out – without map or gps – how to get back to their house (totally did).

    48. SilentTrystera +8

      Late to this, but I have a good one. I am quite talented at catching the food I drop before it hits the floor.

    50. spygrl1 +7

      My mini-superpower is finding pennies. I spot them all the time. On the sidewalk or the street, half-buried in mud, multiple feet away from me, whatever. I guess I am incrementally accumulating lots of good luck.

      1. bookwormV +3

        My sister has that with passport photos. She has loads of them that she’s just picked up off the ground.

    51. fromafar2013 +3

      I have an excellent sense of direction in open world 3D video games (like Skyrim, Fallout, Inquisition, etc) that only sort of translates into a better than average sense of direction in the real world.

      I can always tell the difference between a restless whiny dog that wants to eat and a restless whiny dog that wants to poo, even if it isn’t my dog.

      I can fold towels and bed sheets without setting them down, mostly to keep them from getting the cat hair I just washed off of them back on them.

    53. cheekypinky +5

      Ooo, limerick magic! I like it!

      My one super-power is reading an average of 900-1000 words per minute.
      It has saved my ass in grad school, yo.

    54. Feef +2

      Mine is finding the bathroom in any restaurant by instinct. It’s rare that I don’t get up and walk straight toward where it ends up being without stopping to think about it. I literally call this my superpower and it gives me an identity crisis when it occasionally fails on me.

      My second one is finding my parked car! I don’t even have to try to remember where I leave it, it’s like I unconsciously record the route I took from it …

    55. alder_tree +3

      I can remember landscapes even if I’ve only been there once. If I’ve visited a place and I see a photo of it later I can usually place it. I can also almost always tell when a photo was taken in Iceland, specifically, even if it’s a part of Iceland I haven’t been to.

      My accuracy with this is really freaky to me, considering that I am really shitty at remembering FACES.

  17. sausagedog +14

    Guyssss I have been sick for A WEEK with some kind of sinus-y thing. I am OVER IT, but not physically over it, and it is really getting on my nerves. I’m slowly recovering but gah I just want to be able to run and jump and breathe through my nose again. At least it’s Friday.

    What are your weekend fun projects, Toasties?

    If I’m up to it, I really want to try making brioche. I’ve been craving fresh brioche for a few months now. (tips welcome, I’ve never attempted this before)

      1. sausagedog +2

        +1 for the red wine cake! Reasons being: it does not use an entire bottle of red wine, which means you get to drink what’s not being used while it bakes, and that mascarpone topping sounds great.

    2. deleted7410012 +5

      i’m in your same boat, sinuswise.

      my weekend fun project is CLEANING THE HELL out of my apartment in the hopes that it will also make me feel like i am healthy again. that and eating lots of sushi.

    4. super_novice +4

      Baking a chocolate mint cake, building a table, and doing my taxes! Possibly overly ambitious.

    5. elsajeni +3

      I have been toying for a while with the idea of writing some book “reviews” on my Tumblr — really this is just an excuse for me to re-read some Star Wars books from my youth and yap about them with other people who remember them semi-fondly — and I think this weekend I might actually try posting one and see if it provokes any conversation. My headline will be Elsajeni Relives Her Childhood: Jedi Search, Kevin J. Anderson. (Spoiler: it is not very good.)

      1. sausagedog +2

        I think it’s a great idea to write up reviews! Goodreads also has a platform for that, if you wanted something more book-specific than tumblr.

    6. Heathered +4

      I’m hoping to get my own head-goop under control so I can go to drop-in knitting and crocheting at the library this weekend. Missed it last week, but I made some funny scrap yarn wrist warmers. Beyond that, waiting for this crap to clear up and hearing to come back to my right ear, blurgh.

    7. hawthorn_tree +2

      Do you have a mixer? I’ve made brioche by hand once or twice and it’s not a good time. And I like making most bread by hand! If you’re really good about flouring your hands when you’re working in the butter it probably goes better.

    8. Sisyphus_Cog +1

      I’m sick too and have lost my voice! My weekend plans involve sleeping until the cold magically goes away and my voice comes back.

  18. grumblyqueer +23

    I just saw the weirdest movie I think I ever have. And I STILL can’t make any sense of it.
    It’s allegedly about a Black Christian choir boy’s struggle with his sexuality, but also he has visions? Which are sometimes weird wet dreams and sometimes completely accurate? And his CHRISTIAN HIGH SCHOOL is putting on a gay Romeo and Juliet? And his deadbeat dad and traumatized mom are looking for his missing sister? And he decides to act in a film starring a gay rapist and falls in love with his costar, WHO TAKES HIM TO A CRUISING SPOT CALLED “BOOTY HILL?” And then he has sex with a straight girl and cries for like 5 minutes? And his straight crush gets a girl pregnant who dies from a miscarriage and then the straight crush maybe commits suicide? And the movie somehow tries to resolve all of these 27 storylines and fails miserably.
    It’s a wild ride, but I bet you’ns’ve seen weirder.

      1. grumblyqueer +13

        If I did that, you would be able to see it, and nobody should. It’s “Blackbird,” and it’s on Netflix if you want to spend a nice relaxing evening yelling “WHAT THE SHIT JUST HAPPENED” every 5 minutes.
        Did I also mention that Mo’nique is the traumatized mother, and I spent her entire screen time going “hey, that kind of looks like Mo’nique” and “no way she’d do a role this basic, that’s gotta be somebody else”?

        1. Theo_Winterwood +9

          I watched the first five-ten minutes of this on Netflix because the cover was kinda pretty and I live in perpetual hope of stumbling across a high-quality queer film on there.

          My hopes are often dashed.

    4. nopemobile +9

      I’ve seen some weirdly traumatic ~gay films~ but this one might take the cake!

      Important question: does the protagonist get to kiss any boys at all during the entire film, or is it 100% nonstop misery and visions?

      1. grumblyqueer +13

        There is an incredibly awkward making-out-in-the-car-IN-FROMT-OF-HIS-HOMOPHOBIC-MOM’S-HOUSE scene that turns into an INCREDIBLY TRAUMATIC conversion scene, a slow and outlandishly tender-caress-y First Time Scene with generic Soft Indie Guitara in the background, and then at the end he just. Like. Kisses his boyfriend? In front of his homophobic mom? Who told him he was an abomination for doing so two scenes ago? And is now fine with it???
        Nobody in this film behaves like an actual human being so the sex scenes aren’t even fun.

  19. OoTheHumanities +18

    Books thread! Thanks to your awesome recommendations I picked up Karen Russell’s Vampires in the Lemon Grove at B&N and I am one story in, it is great! I also got Diane Cook’s Man v Nature for next. <3

    1. slowseptember +6

      I am reading Jenny Lawson’s “Furiously Happy” and Amanda Foreman’s “The Duchess” right now while I wait for my holds on everything else Richard Wagamese ever wrote besides “Indian Horse” to come in at the library.
      (Did anyone else joyfully celebrate World Book Day yesterday??)

      1. deleted2997279 +3

        How are you liking The Duchess? I was so disappointed, I got majorly bored about halfway through and gave it up.

        1. slowseptember +1

          Oh, thank goodness, I thought it was just me. WHAT A SLOG. I think I’m going to give up.

      3. bottleredhead +1

        FINALLY finished Chernow’s “Hamilton,” read “All My Puny Sorrows” by Miriam Toews — super good but pretty difficult — and am just about through “The Lost Time Accidents” by John Wray, which I’ve enjoyed. It kind of reminds me A LOT of “A Reunion of Ghosts,” though. Catherynne Valente’s new “Fairyland” book is up next.

    2. atlasblue85 +6

      I got this book called Above Us Only Sky at a used book store on Monday and I’m only about 50 pages in but its really good so far. I’d never heard of it before I picked it up but short synopsis, its about a woman who was born with wings but had them amputated as a baby, then later learns her father’s side of the family, whom she didn’t know until she was nearly an adult, always gives birth to women with wings. The writing style is really interesting and beautiful and the characters are so dynamic, I’m really really loving it.

      1. Thujaplicata +3

        I keep meaning to read that, but was worried it wouldn’t be that great. I’ll have to move it up my TBR list a little bit.

        2. irishbreakfasttime +3

          It’s definitely not the Tragic Queer trope story the plot summary kinda suggests. I’m really impressed by how nuanced and un-dramatic the whole story was.

          1. Thujaplicata +2

            Yeah, the Tragic Queer trope was what I was worried about. I’m glad it doesn’t go that route.

    4. cait0716 +6

      I’m towards the end of Bands of Mourning, which I’m enjoying much more than Shadows of Self. I think it might finally be time to dive in to The Stormlight Archive, too, as I think I’m starting to pick up on hints about the wider Cosmere. But I’m gonna need a break from Sanderson after I finish this one.

      I also read Mr Penumbra’s 24 Hour Book Store earlier this week, which was both better and worse than I was expecting. Mostly it was great, but there was one thing I really could have done without.

      1. Pandora's Homeobox +1

        I’ve read Mr. Penumbra. Do you mind if I ask what aspect you didn’t like? I don’t remember anything particularly bothering me but I am not always sensitive to implications.

        1. cait0716 +3

          Neel’s whole career. The fact that he made millions writing a program to simulate breasts felt so gross and unnecessary and it kept coming up. It was a small thing, but without it I feel like the book would have been perfect

          1. Pandora's Homeobox +1

            Huh, I did not remember that. That is kind of gross. Thanks for responding!

      2. m98widow +1

        I love the Stormlight Archive books and the original Mistborn books. I just can’t seem to gel with the Wax and Wayne books, though. I’ve read them all, I just don’t… care that much about the characters. All the stuff I’m interested in, like the kandra and, er, God, are just enough to keep me coming back but I’m having a rough time with them.

    5. annecara +6

      I just finished a reread of Little Women and am about to begin The Restaurant Critic’s Wife, by Elizabeth LaBan, who is herself the wife of a restaurant critic. It should be fun.

    6. hlmorris85 +10

      I love Karen Russell!

      Right now I’m (finally) reading the last Glamourist Histories book by Mary Robinette Kowal. It’s a fairly fast read for an over-600 pager, but it’s taking me a while. But! There has so far been an excellent Princess Bride joke. And she always does Doctor Who cameos–they generally go over my head, but this time led to me excitedly pointing to my book and saying aloud to my empty apartment ‘Wait. It’s Martha Jones!’

    7. evieskye +5

      Reading Gloria Steinem’s memoir, American Eve (about Evelyn Nesbitt) and I just started The Oregon Sky by Rinker Buck

    8. Leebrarian +2

      Love Karen Russell! If you are in the mood for more short stories, Lauren Groff’s Delicate, Edible Birds is so good, in a devastating kind of way. Also, just extra fun for me – a lot of it is set in the Philadelphia area (she must have spent some time here) and every time a local place name comes up I get a little frisson. You just don’t run across many writers who glancingly mention the ridge between Manayunk and Roxborough (up which I trudged many a time in my wild youth).

    9. meredithcbrogden +6

      I just finished reading “Indexing: Reflections” by Seanan McGuire and thoroughly enjoyed it. If you like interesting takes on fairy tales, it’s worth checking out. Though I’d recommend starting with the first book, “Indexing.”

      Currently reading “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil” by John Berendt and it’s making me kind of nostalgic for my hometown but feel kind of icky at the same time. Books set in the South always make a little anxious because a lot of racefail happens and it’s always disappointing and frustrating.

      1. sagerenee +4

        Ooooh I’ll have to check that one out. I am impatiently waiting for the latest October Daye book after bingeing on the 8 previous installments in the course of 2 weeks. I love discovering an author and then realized she has a HUGE catalog of previous books to devour.

      2. leslieellenjones +5

        As a folklorist, I’m very picky about the use of folklore in fantasy fiction, and the Indexing series gets a major thumbs-up from me. Who thought anyone could have so much fun with the Tale Type Index?

    10. literarysara +7

      I love Vampires in the Lemon Grove! Usually short story collections are not my thing, but she’s so good at crafting interesting and complete worlds in such a short space.

      I talked about it last week but I’m still thinking about Unbecoming by Rebecca Scherm.

      I’m in a place where I cannot budget for new books for a little while. What other 19th century authors (whose books are probably available on Kindle or Project Gutenberg) do you love? I’ve pretty much read all the Bronte books (including Anne’s!), the Austens, the Eliots, and most of M.E. Braddon and Dickens.

      1. Joanne +5

        Wilkie Collins, especially The Woman in White
        Elizabeth von Arnim, especially Enchanted April if you are in a cold climate, but all of hers I’ve read are great
        Anthony Trollope. Reading the Barchester books and liking them a lot. He wrote a lot of others too.
        Elizabeth Gaskell
        A couple of early Agatha Christies are available
        Willa Cather, O Pioneers. My Antonia, all of her others
        EM Forster, a Room with a View, Howard’s End
        Edith Wharton

      2. chiaroscuromom +7

        Elizabeth Gaskell
        Christina Rossetti
        Sarah Orne Jewett
        Kate Chopin
        Willa Cather
        Edith Wharton

      3. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

        I cannot exactly *recommend* Ellen Wood, but she is like Braddon/Collins except more misogynistic in that 19th century way, so if shaking your head at the craziness of the past while threading your way through intense melodrama appeals to you, you might enjoy it. (I kind of did.)

        Also, did you know Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote a novel about an evil blonde? It is called Pink and White Tyranny and well it is a thing that is there!

        For actually good books, I second Gaskell and I am very, very fond of Trollope and he wrote like 50 books.

    11. kjschapira +7

      I am here to tell you that Cuckoo Song by Frances Hardinge will not disappoint you unless you hate complex sisterly relationships, magic with a price, true creepiness, or courage.

    12. MuseKray +4

      I’m going to pick up Midnight at the Pera Palace this weekend. History of the beginnings of the Republic of Turkey focusing on 1920’s Istanbul.
      I tried to read Flamethrowers by Rachel Kushner, but I had to take a break since most of the book focuses on the main character’s attraction to terrible men. I am just not in the mood to read about that right now.

    13. OncoMouse +5

      I recently read The Moor’s Account by Laila Lalami and I highly recommend it.

      1. irishbreakfasttime +1

        yes, that was so good! I recommend also having a total fluffy or happy read queued up for after.

    14. ilovemychumjum +4

      I’ve been reading Celeste Ng’s Everything I Never Told You and it is so well-written and heartbreaking. I’m simultaneously excited that this is her debut novel and annoyed that I can’t run to the library and check out a bunch of other books by her. Once I finish I plan on immediately reading Nikki’s interview with Celeste Ng, which I haven’t read yet!

    15. ayelltee +2

      Just finished Sue Klebold’s “A Mother’s Reckoning” and it was wrenching. I was telling my husband about it over dinner and he said, “I don’t know why you’d want to read something so depressing.” From the man who reads ALL the books on the financial crisis, hah.

      Need something lighter after that, so I’m eyeing Lianne Moriarty’s “Big Little Lies” from my library pile.

    16. EmElBee +2

      Hooray books! I LOVED LOVED LOVED Man v. Nature.

      I’m continuing my Rooster Reading (TM)–Just finished The New World. DOES ANYONE WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE NEW WORLD????

      And…I just started the Tsar of Love and Techno.

      1. rangiferina +1

        I’m reading The Tsar of Love and Techno right now – honestly I didn’t know what to expect going in, but I love it.

    17. gripyfish +7

      I’m almost done with Night Watch by Terry Pratchett, and I can’t believe I waited this long to read it; it’s so good!

      The last time I was at the library, I found and checked out a book about Mycroft Holmes, written by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (who is apparently a huge Holmesian, according to the jacket copy): https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/24458231-mycr…

      It looks delightful and ridiculous, and the very idea of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar being super into the Sherlock Holmes universe is equally wonderful to me, so I’ll probably start that sometime this weekend.

      1. permanentteal +4

        I’ve been reading the Watch books for the first time, and am halfway through the Fifth Elephant. Every book is better than the last, so I’m excited to get to Night Watch!

    18. iosognodisonno +3

      Infinite Jest with my book group – I’m about 150 pages in and my interest comes and goes in waves. Also The Dew Breaker by Edwidge Danticat which is fantastic (consistently).

    19. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

      Cassandra is reading a lot of poetry (Frances Chung’s posthumous collection Crazy Melon and Chinese Apple and a 70s collection called Ordinary Women) and we just read Linda Nagata’s The Red: First Light which was kind of military technothriller and not at all my thing but some people liked it.

      Next up: Alice Munro’s Dance of the Happy Shades which is her first short story collection!

    20. aintnothingtoit +3

      Just scarfed down Wild by Cheryl Strayed in more or less one sitting – I don’t know if anyone saw the movie, but it was okay and the book is BEAUTIMOUS. (Book > movie, shocker, right?) I highly recommend it!

      Reading Hemingway’s A Moveable Feast now because I’ve never read him, not sure what I think yet. Some very awesome parts, and a lot of parts I’m just sort of slogging through. Probably was sort of weird to start with his memoir instead of fiction…

    21. zzblock +3

      I am halfway through Kushiel’s Avatar, which I picked up on some lovely Toast’s recommendation in a long-past Open Thread, and now I don’t know whether to move on to the next Kushiel trilogy or something else entirely? Fantasy-loving Toasts, do you have favorite series-es to recommend?

      1. nplteenstuff +2

        I am not a huge fantasy fan, but I loved Sharon Shinn’s Twelve Houses books, starting with Mystic and Rider. Pay no mind to the hideous cover. There’s a nice romance thrown in, but it doesn’t overwhelm the magic and world-building.

        Also, Melina Marchetta’s YA fantasy trilogy (Finnikin of the Rock, Froi of the Exiles, and Quintana of Charyn) is absolutely excellent.

      2. Notreallydorine +4

        Have you read The Fifth Season yet? It is just the start of a fantasy series (the next one will be released in August), but it is a GREAT start. (Also, one of the author’s other series, The Inheritance Trilogy, starts out great with The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms. . . I liked that one so much that I have not been ready to start on the second due to the plot synopsis and the way it has to depart from the first one based on the story. That doesn’t make a lot of sense. . . but The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms is great.)

  20. threatqualitypress +61

    friends I got an audition on Monday for a theater group that I am pretty excited about, and this is going to be my first audition in years for someone who wasn’t directly related to me. I am kind of nervous about it! Also because I need to get a monologue ready and I don’t like monologues.

      2. winterbymorning +8

        I hereby respectfully request an update on the Life of Baby Braak. Can he read yet?

        1. threatqualitypress +16

          Oh man no, but he really likes eating books, which I think is potentially a good sign.  Also lately he has been a monster at night, waking up at midnight and then just complaining for three hours before he finally goes back to sleep.  My wife can do this thing where after she wakes up she just lies down and goes right back to sleep, but I cannot!  It takes me forty minutes to fall asleep!  I have been disintegrating this past week.  Ooof.

          1. winterbymorning +12

            A high-quality baby well on his way to learning how to fist-bump! Well done.

        3. threatqualitypress +30

          also here is a picture of the fox that now lives in our backyard, I assume because it has a spiritual connection to this baby

      1. threatqualitypress +10

        It is the Two Gentlemen of Verona, which is definitely not my favorite Shakespeare (I actually worked on an adaptation of this script for my mom a couple years ago where we rewrote huge chunks of it up to and including the ending, and I have to keep reminding myself that this production is not going to be that).

        But! It is fine enough, and it’s a good entry-point into doing some more classical work in Philadelphia, which I am really interested in doing, so I got some excitement about this!

        1. dorianneemmerton +4

          Oh wow, I have only ever seen this once (I went to theatre school, and I review theatre, so I’ve seen a looooot of Shakespeare) and in that version they changed the ending using sonnets because it’s just unacceptable to a modern audience, as you well know I take it. (For those who don’t – it’s the rapeyist, misogynist, ugh ugh ugh, worst.) So I’m surprised to hear some folks are doing it unadapted! However, break a leg, I hope you get the part!

          1. threatqualitypress +7

            Yeah, maybe they will change it, I don’t know; we definitely rewrote the ending for precisely that reason (no sonnets, though — I don’t think that I can mimic Shakespeare at his peak, but I think I can swing Shakespeare at his worst, and Two Gentlemen is pretty close to one of his worst).

            We actually managed to turn the whole thing into I think a pretty good play about the horrors of male entitlement AND ALSO I put in a bunch of swordfights because otherwise what is the point?

          2. dorianneemmerton +4

            In case it wasn’t clear, I mean they used lines from actual Shakesperean sonnets to create dialogue to replace the ending. So no one had to mimic the bard, and it was pretty seamless.

            Your version sounds pretty great though, turning the rape culture on it’s head! Also swordfights are A+ fun. Stage combat in general was everyone’s favourite class in theatre school.

  21. Ivans_Sister +35

    I love Claire in House of Cards so much. I mean, I will never look a damn thing like Robin Wright, but I love her hair, her wardrobe, everything.

    I’m driving from San Diego to Los Angeles tomorrow to attend a twelve hour fundraising-a-thon for a podcast I listen to. Some internet rando has an extra ticket he can’t use, and I am crossing my fingers that nothing happens in regards to that, otherwise I’ve driven up to LA and booked a room overnight for NOTHING.

    1. rkfire +14

      I too love Claire’s wardrobe and styling and may have made significant mental notes even though I look nothing like her.

      1. Ivans_Sister +7

        I wondered if there would be folks here who knew what that was! I totally use Jon Hamm as an example of why I’m driving up and doing this nutso thing. (Also Rich Sommer if I’m honest, because I luff him so much.)

        1. Katiezog +4

          I’m an old Pardcaster who hasn’t listened for a while. 🙁

          But I think now that they are on Earwolf I might start up again.

          1. Ivans_Sister +4

            The recent Steven Weber and Richard Kind episodes were really fun. They were both really good at grasping the show’s style.

  22. Nashirakins +84

    Omggggg I got my first binder last night and it is fantastic. I did GC2B’s full tank model and I have a flat chest now! I look like a legit dude in my mens shirts and eeeee. My husband loves how it looks too, and is a darling who helped me out when I got stuck last night. 😀

    I am choosing to focus on this, and the amazing feast of banchan we had for dinner this week, and racing through FreeCodeCamp, instead of crappy things like no longer speaking to my in-laws. I apparently can’t with people who seriously believe they’re persecuted as Christians because of people protesting religiously-fueled bigotry in the US, while talking about how untrustworthy all Muslims are.

      1. Nashirakins +7

        So long as you follow the sizing directions. XD I was on the cusp between L and XL, and did XL for my linebacker shoulders. It’s a good thing too, otherwise I’m not sure I could’ve gotten my arm through. Singular arm. XL fits great tho!

        1. RudyRed +5

          I was on the cusp between sizes as well, and I think I sized down… I got stuck the first time I tried to put it on, but when I tried again a while later it worked out.

    2. Theo_Winterwood +7

      That is awesome and I am so happy for you!! (About the binder and it being fantastic and everything. Not about the in-laws, because that sucks.)

      (I think I feel your pain–I feel like your in-laws and my folks could hang out.)

      1. Nashirakins +14

        I feel a little silly for how happy binding makes me feel, but ahhhh it’s wonderful. Like a constant perfect even pressure hug that also means I haven’t punched myself in the boobs even once today.

        (Oh Theo – I am so sorry to hear that. 🙁 )

        1. Theo_Winterwood +10

          Duuuude, that is not silly at all. That is a totally legit and non-silly reason for happiness. 😀

          (I have sometimes considered whether I would want to try a binder, but I realize that what I really want is to try one to find out what I actually feel about the idea because it’s hard to parse my feelings about it as an abstract concept, so . . . So I dunno.)

          (Oh Theo – I am so sorry to hear that. 🙁 )        

          As of right now, I’m consoling myself by know that the fact that my father’s donated to both Cruz and Rubio’s campaigns probably means that at least they aren’t hardcore Trump supporters? Anyway, when I spend time with them, I just think of it as going on an undercover mission to take mental field notes on what the opposition is thinking these days. (Or like I’m a naturalist of some kind observing a species in its native habitat, maybe.)

        2. Mrs_Peel +7

          “I haven’t punched myself in the boobs even once today”

          Huh, I may have to try one of these…

    3. angrypedestrian +9

      Congrats on the binder, that’s so great! gc2b is a goddamn REVELATION. So much better than Underworks (although much respect for Underworks, as I have used, and still use, their binders for many years at this point). But dear god, gc2b, so much less back pain, so much more breathable, so much more comfortable fabric!

      1. Nashirakins +6

        I feel spoiled that I got to start with GC2B but oh man. So comfortable and also smooshed. :DDDDD

        1. angrypedestrian +6

          I am so so glad that their are actual good options for people who want to bind now. I am forever grateful to Underworks, but man, if gc2b existed when I started binding, I would probably have significantly fewer back problems and overall less pain

    4. Strophoria +2

      I’ve never had one that properly fitted, so I never wear one & just freeboob. Are the G2cb binders loose/comfortable enough that you could ride a bike or go running in it? My Underworks always makes me feel like I just chain-smoked an entire carton, so I can only wear it on days that I’m not on my bike (never).

    5. politeyeti +1

      Jealous! I had a binder that never fit, so I never wore it, but a couple weeks ago my girlfriend bought a new one for me. It came and it’s too big (I, too, am right on the cusp between sizes). So now I don’t have a new binder, I just have the waiting for a new binder thing. Ughhhhhhh.

  23. Angelan_ +14

    What is the best airline for a transatlantic flight – I.e who has the nicest, shiniest planes? (I hate flying so much, how do I have the Least Awful experience is what I’m asking I guess!)

    2. Pygmalion24 +13

      Virgin Atlantic*! They treat you well even in coach! British Airlines is also pretty solid.

    3. Rachel8489 +5

      I haven’t taken them yet, but everyone says Virgin Atlantic. I flew Virgin America for the first time recently and it was definitely comfy and shiny and new, and you could order food and drink from the little screen in front of you and it would get delivered to you!

    4. winterbymorning +4

      I really like Swiss, but that’s only useful if you’re flying to/from Switzerland. I flew Lufthansa over Christmas and have no complaints, but I was also unconscious for most of it (thanks, Ativan!).

      1. hammocknap +2

        Agreed on Swiss Air! I’ve also flown them to Switzeland-adjacent countries so they’re not a completely limited option. I got a calzone as my meal and the seat screens had a ski game built into them.

    5. Ivans_Sister +7

      I agree with Virgin Atlantic. If you’re headed to Asia, we flew Korean Air to Japan, and they were great. The food service was AWESOME. Bibimbap!

    6. sourwatermelons +15

      I don’t know if the planes are nicest, but British Airways has some of the most amazing staff of any airline I’ve flown and they’ve always managed to make my transatlantic experience a Dream. Honestly though, the only time I’ve flown to Europe and been like “um what is this” was when I flew Air Canada. AVOID AIR CANADA.

      1. lizzythecat +5

        Co-signing on British Airways. I flew with them on Wednesday from London to Dulles and had a legitimately delightful flight. Excellent food, a free G&T AND I watch Magic Mike XXL and The Force Awakens. I was in a gigantic double decker Airbus and it was glorious.

        1. Angelan_ +4

          getting to go in the gigantic Airbus is Important To Me. I’m going to washington so hopefully I can get that flight!

    7. bighairnoheart +5

      I’ve always liked Lufthansa. Haven’t flown overseas in ten years though so…

      1. whollyword +10

        *nods* Granted this was back in 2001, and things have changed, but Lufthansa, when I called ahead to say, “I’d like to arrange a vegetarian meal,” responded by saying, “What kind of vegetarian meal would you like?” When I asked what my options were, they were legion, and they all sounded amazing.

      2. Period_eye +8

        Another thumbs up for Luthansa. They come around with after dinner drinks. Cognac or Baileys?
        YES PLEASE.

    8. poppy +3

      Try to get a seat on the upper floor of an Airbus 380. The seat-to-bathroom and the passenger-to-attendant ratios are better and the storage is next to you instead of overhead.

    9. Angelan_ +4

      thanks everyone – virgin atlantic it is! (OH GOD I HAVE TO GET ON A PLANE OH GOD WHYYYYY D: )

    10. iosognodisonno +13

      Not United. Stay far, far away from United. My best flying experience ever was Virgin Australia.

      1. tiny_bookbot +6

        I was gonna say the same thing. My least favorite transatlantic flight was on United.

        1. tinypaperme +2

          My second-best was on United, but I was literally on the inaugural flight of a newly established route. To commemorate the occasion, there were free h’ors d’oeuvres and a little pageant at the gate, then we were on the newest plane in United’s fleet and we had the most experienced flight crew anywhere in the airline’s staff (they’d been chosen as a reward for their exceptional service). The return trip a month later was on a regular old shabby plane with cranky crew. I guess the route was old hat by then.

    11. inkwashed +1

      I really like KLM and Etihad, for the following reasons: excellent staff, very clean airplanes and lavs, good food, plenty of tea, feel like a real person, excellent cocktails.

      I dislike British and Turkish airways, due to incidents such as (but not limited to): pouring scalding tea on my person and then refusing to assist with the burn (hello burn kit, oh hey scar he still has on his stomach), randomly cancelling/rebooking legs of our flights midway through and not giving us any notice, bad attitudes, lost luggage, dirtiness, general ugh.

      but! YMMV, as they say. My person hattteesssss to fly and KLM is his favorite. We haven’t flown all of the above-listed carriers, though. Bon voyage!

    12. helvetica547 +1

      Really depends where you’ll be flying to but anywhere Scandinavia and SAS is pretty swell, at least I had a nice experience with enough room, a decent media centre, and so much food (in coach).

  24. chiaroscuromom +24

    Reading thread!

    I am on the upward swing of the main force of dramatic tension in Who Fears Death, it seems. I love this book so much. It is so excellent and amazing and wonderful!

    I’m just gonna give another shout-out to Dahlia Lithwick and her wonderful Slate article about the wonderful women on the Supreme Court: http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/s…

    I’ve read Sotomayor’s memoir, My Beloved World, and I think this weekend I will read Notorious RBG and watch the Anita Hill video I borrowed from the library last week, and see if I can get my hands on Sisters In Law: How Sandra Day O’Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg Went to the Supreme Court and Changed the World. I would love to read about Elena Kagan too, but I didn’t see any biographies the last time I checked.

    What are you reading or have on your good intentions lists, Toasties?

    1. allanaaa +3

      I’m reading “Mythago Woods” by Robert Holdstock and I find it *super offensive* in its dealings of how the dude main character describes the mystical magical elf-lady who is clearly a reborn Elder in the body of a teenager. So gross.

    2. blueblazes11 +6

      True-crime recommendation!

      I am re-listening to Doc: the Rape of the Town of Lovell this week. Between it and this past week’s TAL episode, I am transformed into an actual FURY. Women not being believed when they are sexually assaulted is bad enough. Not being believed by their own mothers is *incoherant growling noises*. Not being believed by the police, or actively discouraged and/or threatened by the police is just… BURN IT ALL DOWN.

      This is not a book your read for pleasure. It is a book you read to stoke the fires of misandry.

    3. sausagedog +6

      I chugged through Queen of the Night on my sick day! I was sad that I did not love it, although I may still buy a copy for my opera singer friend, since she’d probably get a kick out of it. The history parts were great, the setting felt immersive, I just didn’t find it successful as a novel. But I also had such high hopes that I worry I’m being unfair. I mean, he’s clearly a very good writer!

      Still working through the biography of Mina Loy (update: still ridiculous, still utterly highlight-able) and looking for a new fiction thing to read.

    4. ppyajunebug +5

      I’m falling back on old favorites this week- I’m listening to the audiobook of Seraphina (which IF YOU HAVEN’T READ IT GO AND DO SO IMMEDIATELY HOLY CRAP) and re-reading The Unlikely Disciple, which is one of my absolute favorite non-fiction books.

      1. Thujaplicata +2

        I loved Seraphina SO MUCH! Have you read the sequel yet? I haven’t gotten a chance to get it from the library, but I hope that it’s as good.

        1. ppyajunebug +4

          I did read the sequel and I was actually rather disappointed. I think part of it was expecting that this was a trilogy rather than a duology, and partly that nothing in the first 2/3 of the book made me think otherwise. It all got wrapped up far too quickly. However, I’ve only read it once so it’s possible when I do a reread/relisten my feelings may shift

    5. Thujaplicata +3

      I just finished Scarlet and I have a hold on Cress. It took me a while to get into Cinder, but now I’m having fun with the series.
      I also finished Follow Her Home which was…fine? I don’t read a lot of noir, so I feel like I might have missed a lot of references that would have made it more enjoyable. Also, for the “read something published in the decade you were born” I just powered through A is for Alibi. I’m not sure how well it has aged. There was a lot of weird fat-shaming stuff in it and it’s definitely a product of the early 80s.

    6. beachlass +10

      I am re-reading Fifth Business, by Robertson Davies, which I haven’t read in ages

      1. waitressinlove +2

        I love that book so much, but the other two in the trilogy didn’t do it for me in comparison. Just me?

        1. beachlass +2

          It’s been a long time since I read them. I can’t remember exactly what goes in which book. I remember liking the art in Europe part?

        2. bookwormV +1

          They didn’t really do it for me either. I’ve been working my way through Robertson Davies, but have come to the sad conclusion that he is Not For Me.

      2. Mrs_Peel +3

        AHHHHHH, I love that book! I loved the whole trilogy (and pretty much all the rest of his books, too).

    7. RabbitIsland +3

      I’m right in the middle of The Clasp, and boy are some of those characters hitting a bit too close to home for me.
      On the plus side it is a brisk read

    8. rangiferina +5

      I’m reading The Tsar of Love and Techno by Anthony Marra – interlocking short stories set in 1930s–present day Russia. it’s SO GOOD. god damn. I finished one story last night and immediately reread the previous two to catch everything I missed the first time around.

      Next up will be Tell the Wolves I’m Home by Carol Rifka Brunt.

      1. irishbreakfasttime +5

        Tell The Wolves is so good! A little too good at reminding me of awkward teen times, but, so good.

    9. kayjayoh_ +8

      I am working my way through N.K. Jemisin’s The Fifth Season and it is so good!

      1. Notreallydorine +4

        I am singing her praises all over the Open Thread, but I absolutely agree — I can hardly wait for the next one.

    10. backupandround +6

      I am currently reading an incredibly dull book about the American Revolution. Normally I have no qualms about ditching a book I’m not enjoying, but I want to learn more about the period (being a Brit, I never studied it at school) and this was the only book I could find that covered the basics. So I’m sucking it up. But seriously, Daniel Marston, get it together. If you can’t make a revolution interesting to read about, then there’s no hope for you.

      1. atanner2695 +1

        You should read the biography of Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow. My husband is very into history, and you should not have to slog through a book. He knows a number of good books about the revolution — and he can’t stand slogging through one. Would you like me to get you some recos?

        1. backupandround +1

          Recs would be much appreciated, thank you! I am planning on reading Chernow, but it’s not available on Amazon in Italy (where I currently am), so that’s going to have to wait until I get back to the UK.

    11. safvn +7

      I just finished Gold Fame Citrus and LOVED it, I was just so completely and totally absorbed into the book and was very, very sad to see it end. But I am now reading Unbecoming by Rebecca Scherm, and that is also really, really good so far, in a very different way.

      I set myself a challenge to read 26 books this year, and I am well on my way! I know that’s a very small number compared to most of y’all, but my reading has really fallen off in recent years, and I’m trying to take baby steps to get it back up to its previous glory.

    12. erinkwed +3

      I just started Vicious by VE Schwab and am looking for a new audiobook. Radiance by Catherynne M Valente wasn’t working as audio — any suggestions for weird sci fi that isn’t super confusing to listen to?

      1. Notreallydorine +2

        This might be weird fantasy instead of weird sci fi, but The Library at Mount Char is absolutely the weirdest thing I have read in a while but wouldn’t be at all confusing to listen to, I don’t think.

      2. chiaroscuromom +1

        I’m not sure how we’re defining “weird sci fi” but you might want to try The Book of Strange New Things, which is surely weird and not difficult for me in audio.

    13. TheRenleigh +7

      I’m FINALLY reading Ancillary Justice after everyone in the entire world. It is so interesting so far! I’m also working my way through The Very Best of Fantasy & Science Fiction anthology so I’ve finally read some very famous short stories like Flowers for Algernon and All Summer in a Day.

    14. ToastiewithCheese +6

      I finally started Ancillary Justice and I can’t believe I waited so long. I’m only about 20% in but it’s fascinating. And there are two more books after this!

      I also finished How To Be Both. It was… interesting? I kind of feel like talking with people about it, because I didn’t quite know what to make of it (especially the half that takes place earlier, which was first up in my version)

      1. sigaloenta +1

        I also didn’t know what to make of How to Be Both (I had the halves in the other order), except that I really liked it! Somehow, I came out feeling really hopeful, in spite of all the fairly grim things in the background, and I loved the wordplay. (This is more or less the reaction I had to the other Ali Smith I’ve read, too.)

        1. ToastiewithCheese +1

          I think that order would maybe have worked better for me: the modern bit could have given some context to the older part, which I found a little confusing at time style-wise. It took me about twenty-thirty pages to get my bearings. Maybe I’ll try reading it in the reverse order in a few years!

    16. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

      My good intentions listen includes Bring Up the Bodies which I know I will love but it will probably also slay me and I am not ready to be slain right now, so it keeps moving down the stack…

    17. rolotomassi5 +6

      I have dove deep into Saga (just finished Vol. 4 last night) and I may or may not be crazy attracted to The Stalk. I spent about an hour on Instagram just looking up the hashtag #thestalk. She’s a badass and she scares me, but I think that goes a long way toward endearing her to me for some reason.

      Anyway, my damn library better come through or I’m heading out and buying Vol. 5 tomorrow. I try to savor it, but just end up reading the entire thing in one sitting. SUCH PERFECT CLIFFHANGERS!!!!!!!

    1. OoTheHumanities +4

      OMG that cake looks so heavenly I think I need to buy a whole new kitchen’s worth of stuff so I can actually make it.

    2. Rachel8489 +10

      If you like huevos rancheros you should try shakshuka, which is the Middle Eastern equivalent. Smitten Kitchen is a good starting point, but it’s a very forgiving dish. You can basically make anything work with it!

      I am mostly-vegetarian and also trying to cut back on pasta consumption. I’ve been eating lots of bean-veggie-salad-things, which have no recipe and just an improvised bunch of STUFF. Have you tried any homemade Indian food? All my links are Smitten Kitchen I swear I cook other recipes, but her chana masala is really easy and reheats beautifully.

      I also find it helps to re-think what “dinner” means. Like, a veggie-heavy gratin thing, and a side salad? Totally can be dinner, even if some people would consider the gratin a side.

    3. rkfire +9

      This Paleo Shepherd’s Pie is a *huge* favorite of mine, and I’ve tossed in mushrooms or roasted eggplant into the meat mixture in addition to the carrots to add even more vegetable-y goodness.

      I’m also a big fan of Sweet Potato hash, and prefer to toss in some kale or butternut squash or whatever other vegetables I have on hand to round it out. Sorry none of this is a complete recipe, but I have gotten into the habit of just adding MOAR VEGGIES into my cooking.

      1. Ethylbenzene +5

        Paneer is super super easy to make at home. You just need a gallon of milk and some lemon juice, vinegar, or buttermilk. I drain mine in a colander lined with one of those “flour sack” towels but I’ve used basic tea towels in the past. I’m on my phone now and away from my cookbook library but basically you heat the milk to just boiling and start adding acid until the milk coagulates into curds and greenish-yellow whey, then drain and press (I use a plate and a can of tomatoes).

      2. Nashirakins +5

        You can also substitute firm tofu cubes for paneer if you are into tofu. If you drain them first, they’ll soak up the sauce flavors nicely.

      3. alder_tree +1

        I’ve been basically making variations on that spinach and chickpeas recipe for years: beans, garlic, smoked paprika, olive oil, greens, tomatoes.

    10. parlato1973 +3

      i recently found this recipe for a workaround on pad thai, using trader joes broccoli slaw. i made mine with cooked shrimp, which means i kinda made it backwards, just heating up the liquid ingredients and then cooking the slaw for about 5 minutes, and then adding coconut milk & shrimp to heat through at the end. i think there are lots of ways to modify it any way you want, if you just consider that you don’t want to cook these too long.

      if you have a mandolin or spiralizer, you can make all kinds of veggie noodles. i got sweet potatoes and want to try this or something like it this week. i use my mandolin to thin-slice zucchini to put in place of lasagna, and then cook up a bunch of chard to put into the ricotta. otherwise, it’s like normal lasagna [vegetarian or not] and is delicious!

      i found this beef & veggie pie lined with sweet potato that is totally intriguing. i tried it, and i think it’s best to bake it covered and sprayed with a mist of water along with oil, to soften the potato more on top, but again, you can chop up a bunch of your favorite veggies, give them a nice sauté, maybe toss with parmesan and mushrooms and put in this sweet potato encasement and bake it up!

    11. jimmyjimjimjim +3

      It’s barely a recipe but Calabacitas:
      1 zucchini (or similarly sized summer squash) sliced/cubed
      1 yellow summer squash sliced/cubed
      1 medium/large onion sliced
      1 15oz can of corn
      4+ oz of chopped green chile
      several gloves of garlic minced (I use ~2 Tbs of the minced garlic in jars they have hanging around the produce section)

      saute everything together, grate some cheese (cheddar/oaxaca/jack) on top, salt pepper to taste.

      Makes a good side dish or entree by itself or as a burrito/sopapilla filling. Optionally add meat to make it Calabacitas con Carne.

    12. Ethylbenzene +8

      I cook vegetarian at home and have been enjoying the book 660 Curries as well as some of the meals on Budget Bytes. Indian food has so many varied and delicious vegetarian options, and there’s so many types of cuisine included under the banner “Indian” that it doesn’t get old quick.

      1. laurenipsum +3

        I want that book so bad. It’s going to be rolled into the general expenses for furnishing the new house if it ever gets built.

      1. Nashirakins +3

        I have this cookbook too and it’s a strong recommend. The mushroom bhaji is yummmmm and my husband loves Chettinad chicken almost as much as he loves Sichuan laziji. So, a lot a lot. I don’t think there’s a meh recipe in the entire volume.

        Her World Vegetarian book is also a wonderful, super dense book of veggie food from literally everywhere.

        1. leslieellenjones +3

          Seconding Madhur Jaffrey’s World Vegetarian Cookbook–I bought it when it first came out, around 1980, and there are things in there I still make to this day.

      1. cuminafterall +3

        Cosigning this recipe! I like replacing the sun-dried tomatoes with slow-roasted cherry tomatoes for a little more sweetness and juiciness.

    15. SmrtCookie +7

      My lazy vegetarian dinners are almost always mexican. I don’t work off a recipe but I use whatever combination of sweet potatoes, black beans, kale, and corn I have, cooked on the stove with an onion, cumin, and chili powder. The great thing is that mixture can be used for just about anything depending on what kind of ingredients and time I have. I’ll do tacos, enchiladas, burritos, or over spanish rice.

    16. Räven +7

      Yotam ottolenghi does veg recipes on the guardian website that are often amazing and don’t require quite as much specially shopping as his books.

    17. Nashirakins +6

      Oh man so this week, I hybridized a few Maangchi recipes for dubu-jorim (fried then sauced tofu) and my husband and I ate a pound of in one sitting.

      It’s something like:

      1 package of firm or extra firm tofu, sliced 1/4″ thick and drained on paper towels
      Several minced cloves of garlic
      Several finely sliced scallions
      A couple handfuls of shredded carrot
      2-3tbsp gochujang
      1 tbsp soy sauce
      1.5 tbsp shaoxing wine
      1.5 tbsp black vinegar

      Pan fry the tofu until it’s evenly browned on both sides, then set aside to drain. Stir fry the carrots until partially cooked, then add garlic and scallions til fragrant. Dump in a sauce made of the gochujang, wine, vinegar, and soy sauce, then add back in the tofu and coat. If necessary, add water. Simmer til the tofu soaks up the sauce.

      Then try “just a piece” while the rice finishes cooking and accidentally consume the entire plate. For best finger noms, make the tofu slices into little tacos with the carrots.

      2. alder_tree +1

        My fave sauce for pan-fried tofu is equal amounts (usually about a tbsp each for a regular block of tofu + however much spinach will fit in the pan before wilting):

        Sriracha garlic chili sauce (it’s chunky and comes in plastic jars, not the stuff in squeeze bottles)
        Nutritional yeast
        soy sauce or shoyu or tamari
        water

        SO GOOD OH MY GOD

    18. sfbeee +3

      i’ve been wanting to make the newest smitten recipe, all sweet potatoes and chickpeas and deliciousness.

      1. Ethylbenzene +3

        His cookbook is so good too. I really like his recipes because they are a little more varied than “vaguely Asian-inspired things” that so many veggie recipes seem to fall into.

    20. MilesofMountain +3

      I really love this pumpkin and tofu curry bowl. It looks complicated but it comes together pretty quickly and easily and makes fantastic leftovers.

      This lentil, mushroom, and sweet potato casserole is really good and freezes wonderfully. I split it into two small casserole dishes, baked one, and then put a layer of tin foil down in the second dish before adding the layers. The second dish went into the freezer, then when it was frozen I lifted it out of the dish. To defrost, unwrap it and put it back in the same casserole dish and it’ll fit perfectly.

      There is also this tomato braised lentils with broccoli that is creamy and delicious

    21. dorianneemmerton +5

      I need a chocolate cake recipe for my partner’s birthday, but it will be rife with toddlers, so this will not work. However, her exhortations that it is most definitely NOT for toddlers makes me really want to try it sometime when we are child-free! (so.. never. Sob.)

      I am vegetarian and here are some things I like:

      Squash it up
      couscous is a fun word, and also food
      Korma korma korma korma chamaleon
      this takes forever to make so I only pull it out on special occasions
      Soup
      Soup
      Soup

    23. AliceIsHopeless +5

      That red wine cake is my lifeeeeeeeee IT IS THE BEST

      I just ate my body weight in gnocchi (with spinach, kale, goats cheese, parmesan, chilli and a teeny bit of apple balsamic vinegar because I have no lemons?? I am ashamed)
      This week I bought about 3kg of apples for £2 so I have a freezer full of apple sauce too

      Roast broccoli and an egg is such a great protein and yumminess bundle – Smitten Kitchen, of course http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2015/04/crispy-bro…

    24. aintnothingtoit +4

      I’ve got no great veggie recipes to contribute but this thread is wonderful! Also, re: alcohol + chocolate deliciousness, have you ever had a chocolate stout cake? I’ve been making it a lot and it is absolutely heavenly warmed up and served with coffee ice cream!

    25. Strophoria +2

      Can’t get the link on my phone right now, but there’s a recipe for sriracha lentil stew on the Hairpin that’s DELICIOUS. I make it all the time, sometimes I add grated carrots or TVP to bulk it up a little bit. I think it works best with canned tomatoes, and red lentils.

      Also, try some chickpea stirfry! Fry some garlic, green onions and ginger in sesame oil, then add a generous amount of kale or other greens (not spinach), peppers and mushrooms. You could add carrots, but I think they take too long and I don’t like them crunchy. Then, when the greens gave have reduced, add two cans of rinsed chickpeas and put in whatever sauce youre using. I buy one from the Asian market called “vegetarian sauce” in a red bottle? It’s very tasty, soy based and kind of sweet. I also put a bit of peanut butter in sometimes, to make the sauce creamy. Stir it around and when the chickpeas have wamed up, you’re done! I eat it with rice and put it in pitas for cold lunches the next day.

    26. alder_tree +2

      I find that trying to reduce the amount of pasta that I eat is easiest when I just add lots of beans and lentils to everything. I have a pressure cooker now which is nice, but even on a stove cooking beans isn’t hard, just time-consuming. You don’t have to soak them!

      Tofu and tempeh and mushrooms all make meals more substantial. So does soy curls if you can get them. So do all the expensive but delicious fake meats out there now.

  26. kissmecate238 +8

    Can we have a “Love” thread (the Netflix show not like the concept…)? Spoilers after the jump!

    3. anthemyst +19

      YES. It makes me so mad! In so many different ways! I wish I’d stopped watching after the first episode, when I could tell I hated the main character, but I kept thinking maybe, just maybe, the show would call him out, but it never really did! Every instinct he had was self-destructive and obnoxious, and all these characters just kept TELLING me, the audience, that he was a Really Nice Guy and he NEVER WAS and it just felt like TOO much, like there was no way the show couldn’t be aware that he wasn’t really a Nice Guy, but I don’t think it was? I mean, obviously it knew that he shouldn’t have been a jerk in the writer’s room because he lost his job, but then a child got him his job BACK, I don’t even know what to think. It’s not like I liked the main girl character either, but the show was way more willing to call her behavior out as self-destructive and the double-standard really grated and just felt really outdated.

      Also the title is horrible. It’s like they had a placeholder name and they forgot to come up with the pun that would be the actual name. Here are the alternate names I angrily texted to my friend after I finished the show:

      PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED WITHIN 50 FEET OF EACHOTHER BY LAW

      TWO PEOPLE WHO BOTH HAVE DISTRESSINGLY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE TENDENCIES BUT WE’RE GOING TO PRETEND ONLY THE WOMAN HAS A PROBLEM

      YOU SAW GILLIAN JACOBS AND ASSUMED FOR SOME REASON THAT THIS WOULD BE THE NEXT COMMUNITY BUT BETTER BECAUSE IT’S NETFLIX BUT PSYCH, WE REPLACED DAN HARMON WITH JUDD APATOW

      JUDD APATOW HAS BEEN OUT OF THE DATING GAME FOR 15 YEARS AND THINSK ALL HIS JOKES ABOUT WOMEN NOT LIKING NICE GUYS ARE SOMEHOW RELEVANT

      THREE MODELS COMPETE FOR THE AFFECTION OF A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE NERD

      2. ofTrebond +5

        I thought that the point was that he pretends to be nice but really isn’t–his ex even points that out specifically. So that was self-aware. I still wasn’t a big fan. She was dysfunctional but I liked her, or at least was interested in what would happen to her; him, not so much. I was also annoyed by how his romantic prospects were all so much more physically attractive than him (Pilot Viruet wrote an article about this).

        1. anthemyst +8

          I’m still really on the fence about it. If Judd Apatow was like, “Yeah, the point of the show was he’s The Worst” I would accept that it was self-aware all along and just really bad at either communicating that or doing anything interesting with it. He does have a girlfriend call him out on it, and he does self-destruct and lose his job, but there’s also all these other moments where he is a jerk and it works out really well for him? Like taking it really personally that Bertie accidentally texted him that there wouldn’t be a second date, or telling that actress to be as unprofessional as possible. And the final moment, of a TV show called “LOVE”, is a woman telling him “I’m an addict and I need to be alone”, and him responding by kissing her, literally the WORST most DISRESPECTFUL response imaginable. So either the show is really tone-deaf or it’s REALLY cynical, I guess? I’m not sure I even care that much, I can only tolerate so much of fiction that revolves around awful human beings.

          1. ofTrebond +5

            Yeah, that’s definitely a good point. She did terrible things and they had really predictable bad consequences. He did terrible things and everything basically worked out for him. He had so many friends, and she had none (and then just Bertie). I really hope that last scene was meant to be horrifying and to point out how selfish he is, but I can’t say for sure it wasn’t meant to be romantic.

    4. kissmecate238 +1

      Ah! I never saw this get posted after review so now I look crazy.

      Anyhow this show infuriated me so much. I spent the entire show texting my boyfriend and complaining how sexist the casting is and how there would never be a show with a female lead of Paul Rust’s attractive level get as many attractive sex partners as he did.

      My boyfriend responded with “Um what about ‘She’s All That'” AND HE WAS SERIOUS!

    5. kissmecate238 +1

      Also I too just wanted to follow around that incredulous woman at Magic Castle because she was the best and everyone else there was the worst

    3. whollyword +6

      I don’t think I can eat a thing that resembles a person. A stylized gingerbread cookie, sure. But an actual recognizable person with features? Eeep.

    7. hummingrose +3

      When I said I wanted to eat BC’s face, that is… not what I meant.

      (I actually can’t imagine kissing him, but I would be very very happy to listen to his voice all day.)

    8. alder_tree +3

      I cringed when I saw them, because sure enough, I’ve had several well-meaning friends post the link to my facebook wall.

      That’s what I get for being open about my crush when it was at its strongest.

      But then, my last three-and-change years has been a lot of “Hey April, did you know–” “Yes, I saw it on tumblr. Two weeks ago.”

  28. winterbymorning +14

    I’m so behind on all my Toast Post correspondence! I haven’t forgotten anybody – but lately I’ve been too tired during the week to do anything after work, and then I have so much to catch up on during the weekend that letter-writing falls by the wayside. I’m sorry and I’ll try my best to get up to speed.

    Husband and I are going to the ballet tomorrow night so that will be fun!

    On Monday we are viewing an apartment that looks so good on paper (great neighbourhood! very big! way better kitchen appliances! laundry in unit, which is kind of a rarity! reasonably priced!) that I’m kind of scared to go look at it? Like we’ll discover that it’s actually next door to a meth lab or something, or it really is as nice as I think but someone will swoop in and rent it before we get the chance to. Which wouldn’t be the end of the world (we can pretty much move whenever) but it would make me Very Grumpy for a time.

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      I understand about the apartment; we found a house which is the same, but right at the top of the price range and it really /must/ be made of tinker toys or something because it is ridiculously gorgeous.

      Which ballet?

  29. allanaaa +12

    Oh cool, IntenseDebate isn’t logging me in. Whatevs.

    I am bingeing Gilmore Girls today while I tackle my to-do list! (Mostly emails.)
    I started in the second season because I am an unrepentant Jess fangirl.

    1. Linette +2

      I’ve been having this problem for a couple of months and I don’t know why. I emailed the Toast admin and never heard back. It’s only on one of my computers, so I can log in from work and on my tablet, but my personal computer won’t log me in either – for no reason that I can tell. It used to do it fine.

    2. lbolesta +10

      GG is my go-to nap tv. It’s catchy enough that I can just watch it, but I already know what happens so if I fall asleep halfway through, it’s nbd.

      I am not a fan of any of Rory’s innamorati. That scene where Luke pushes Jess into the lake is perhaps one of the greatest tv moments of all time (which I would probably still think even if I were pro-Jess).

      1. aintnothingtoit +10

        Yes, anything Luke and Jess brought me so much more joy than when he was with Rory! I liked Jess a lot as a character but abhor seeing women put up with shitty treatment from boyfriends. All of Rory’s boyfriends sucked in different ways, IMO.

        1. allanaaa +7

          Strongly agreed, both with everything you said and with the pushing-into-lake scene being the best thing on TV ever.

          1. aintnothingtoit +7

            PS if I had to pick one of her shitty boyfriends, I would 100% go for Jess. And when he came back when she was in college and had published his book and grown up a little, I found myself rooting for him.

  30. Sulagna Misra +25

    I saw Speed last night with friends! It was really good!? Like, in a way that I wish more movies were lately?? Maybe I’ll finally watch the Lake House now.

    The only weird thing was that the bus in it is one I take pretty regularly….

    Have y’all seen Speed? Do you recommend any gems from the 90’s? What movies have you seen recently that came out ages ago?

    1. sausagedog +16

      I have not seen Speed, but I love Keanu, so I should probably fix that?

      Technically both from 1989, but Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and Heathers both hold up– I saw them both for the first time in the late 2000s and loved both.

    2. SmrtCookie +19

      Clueless, always and forever. Even if you’ve seen it you should go watch it again.

      1. alder_tree +1

        I was so happy when I watched Clueless a few years ago and found that it was still an excellent movie.

    4. sagerenee +13

      Empire Records, adorably cheesetastic with the soundtrack of my college years.

    5. msjinxie +7

      As much fun as Speed is, the Lake House…isn’t. I watched it with a dude, intending to spend most of the movie making out with him – instead we both fell asleep. (Then again, the dude turned out to be a dud, so maybe I’m unfairly maligning the movie.)

    6. mrtafadhali +7

      I love speed. For a much wilder ride in the 90s action movie vein… I LOVE Face/Off, but I appreciate that others may not feel as I feel.

    7. ToastiewithCheese +6

      I must’ve seen Speed a dozen times. Very efficient action movie. I mean, it’s one of the few Die Hard-alikes (this one being “Die Hard on a bus”) that’s actually worth watching.

      As for The Lake House, I watched it mostly because there was a historic Filmspotting fight about it (loooong ago – it may even have still been called Cinecast back then). If you keep your expectations low, it’ll probably be fun!

    8. threatqualitypress +3

      oh dang you got to see both the Under Sieges but I think surprisingly Under Siege 2: Dark Territory is better than the first one, and kind of more like what you might have liked about Speed.

    9. aintnothingtoit +11

      If you can get past the premise being kinda unbelievable, While You Were Sleeping is pretty dang endearing in that innocent 90s rom-com way.

    10. annikkinstarkiller +12

      Everything about Speed is perfect.

      Other ’90s movies I wholeheartedly recommend: Practical Magic. Clueless. The Fifth Element. Groundhog Day. The Piano. Stargate. My Cousin Vinny. Hackers.

    11. bookwormV +1

      I saw Jurassic Park for the first time when it was on TV over Christmas! (I had seen bits of it when it had been on TV in the past, but had never watched it from beginning to end.)

    1. lbolesta +14

      Baby Foot is the brand previously discussed here. I tried it last week and it’s as disgusting and satisfying as everyone says.

    2. kalat1979 +5

      I think Baby Foot is the really popular one. I just used TONY MOLY Shiny Foot Super Peeling Liquid (based on recommends from other Toasties) and really liked it.

  32. Ethylbenzene +39

    Am visiting home and had just a tremendous discussion last night with my mom about how hard it was when she and my dad were engaged and he was in Vietnam. I’m so glad we can talk about this stuff now. I did have to evade a little bit (partner and I are finishing up couple’s counseling which she doesn’t know, for example), but overall we had a really nice talk about things. So yay moms I guess.

    1. socktantrum +6

      One of my favorite things about being a pretty full-grown adult is being able to talk to my mom about big life stuff. We’ve always been close, but I guess I never really the life experience to be interested in things like the struggles she and my dad had when they first got together, her experiences as a young mother, etc until recently. It’s been enlightening!

  33. RudyRed +26

    I’ve been procrastinating about calling up for a therapist. Guuuuuuuuuuuh there are so many excuses for not doing it and they are all bad excuses but I use them anyway.

    Help me get motivated, Toasties.

    1. awnutts +40

      Okay, do you have a nice cup of tea or ice water? First, get the beverage of your choice. And then, sit in the most comfortable place there is. Gather your calendar and insurance card in front of you.

      Now make the call. It’s just 10 numbers. Once you’ve dialed, it’ll be fine. It’s the dialing that is terrible. Count to ten as your dial the numbers. You made it to ten! You made it to ten!

      God, that 5 minute phone call, suuuuuucked, amirite? So hang up! You have an appointment! You did a really hard thing and it is going to help you so much! You have earned AT LEAST 30-60 minutes of uninterrupted relaxation: read the-toast or other online fun stuff. Play plants v. zombies. Rewatch your favorite episode of tv. Read a book. Take a nap. YOU FUCKING EARNED IT, YOU MAJESTIC GODDESS.

      2. kjschapira +11

        Also, tell us when you do it (in link roundup/open thread next week if you don’t manage it today) and I feel pretty confident that everyone reading this will be proud of you and glad for you and shower you with virtual confetti.

        1. awnutts +14

          Dude. Yes. I am not terribly positive in general, but I am A+ at telling awesome people they are awesome. And that sounds like a really fun job description. Just cover my rent and occasionally make me baked goods or a yummy curry or whatever food you are good at making.

        2. awnutts +1

          Dude. Yes. I am not terribly positive in general, but I am A+ at telling awesome people they are awesome. And that sounds like a really fun job description. Just cover my rent and occasionally make me baked goods or a yummy curry or whatever food you are good at making.

    2. dashitall +5

      You can do it! You will be surprised at how easy it is compared to how you may have built it up in your head. And you will feel so much better about taking a step towards doing this helpful healing thing for yourself!

    3. OoTheHumanities +7

      I have had mediocre therapists but I didn’t know as much at the time, until I got a whip-smart stellar one who told me on day one “I am here to work myself out of a job” — which is to say, to get me well on my way to reliable self-care. I have since moved and procrastinated too, because how could I get so lucky again? And then I came to realize that it wasn’t luck, it was experience, and now I am in the best position to know what I am looking for. Which is to say, Get to work, it’s worth it!

    4. secondursula +7

      I did it! You will too! And then we won’t have to do it in the future, as it will have been done in the past.

    6. sluts4ever +14

      have you used psychology today’s therapy finder? it is delightful. you can search by insurance, gender, location, concentratiions, etc. they even have little bios about themselves! it was hard for me to find time during the day to call (also: i called three people and NONE of them returned my call!), so i emailed 5 people i was interested in seeing, they responded, i emailed back to set up in person meetings, and now i’ve been seeing a lovely woman named carol for a few months who is such a delight and has increased my quality of life in a very short amount of time.

      anyway: just fucking do it already!!!!!!! it makes such a difference. i put it off for two years and i sorta feel like those two years were near wastes cause i was such a mess.

      1. sausagedog +5

        Oh man I’m not OP but thank you for posting this? It’s great to have a specific resource, and it’s great to hear that emailing does work– I’ve been going mad because therapists around here never pick up their phones, like ever, and do not call back. Email seems much more bearable. I had really given up on finding a therapist but this makes me feel like I an try again.

        1. sluts4ever +5

          yeah, I found that emailing actually worked a loootttttt better than calling. good luck finding someone! psychology today was awesome; i’m in a large city and felt overwhelmed by the options so it was really nice to narrow down by gender/location/insurance/specialty.

      2. RudyRed +3

        I have a therapist picked out already – saw her for couples therapy a bit, and she was great. I just need to see if I can schedule individual therapy too.

  34. effableobject +31

    If anyone wants to talk about the surreal, ceaseless horror of being pregnant, I’m 20 weeks into an objectively very easy pregnancy and Here For That.

      1. emmysuhweeks +2

        Second time I’ve mentioned Earth Mama Angel Baby products this thread but — they make a heartburn tea that is really gentle and loving and has helped me. I’ve not had it terrible but it did help on the occasions I did.

        Smaller, more frequent meals so belly doesn’t get too full? Lots of water? These are all things I’ve heard that are supposed to help. Good luck to her!

      2. lemonadefish +6

        Only thing that helped me was never ever being horizontal, at all. So, I’d alternate between torturing my back and torturing my esophagus. Fun times!

      3. Kimmie42 +6

        I’ve been dealing with the pregnancy heartburn for the past few months and I found that a combination of generic zantac 150 in the evening, plus a glass of almond milk when the burning starts, seems to keep it at bay. Regular milk can work in a pinch too but almond milk seems to last longer. But jeez it is rough.

        1. poppy +3

          Yes, I will second this. The almond milk is amazing. I am using zantac and TUMs too. I also find that keeping a little food in my stomach helps. Also, DO NOT believe those stupid websites with lists of heartburn friendly foods. It varies a lot from person to person and you have to believe your body. If it doesn’t want yogurt, then don’t give it yogurt, damnit, even though WebMD says yogurt is supposed to be soothing.

    2. cait0716 +13

      I’m 7 weeks and I’ve been sleeping 9 or 10 hours every night this week and I’m still exhausted.

      Also, I’ve discovered that my boss smokes every day at lunch, my cubical-neighbor takes sugar in his coffee, and they’ve already started mulching in the park by my office. Damn sensitive nose.

      1. emmysuhweeks +4

        Poor thing. That first trimester exhaustion is NO JOKE. Don’t feel bad about napping whenever wherever, and sleeping as much as you can! You really do need it.

      2. effableobject +12

        I am trying not to laugh because I feel your pain, I really do, but you can really smell the sugar in your coworker’s coffee? I’m hypersensitive to cigarettes, but that is some next-level superpowers, there.

        And yeah, I slept like 11 hours a night my entire first trimester and was still tired all the time. Good luck!

        1. cait0716 +7

          Maybe he put it in his coffee at the desk or something? My cube smelled strongly of sugar all morning long, and that was the only possible source.

      3. poppy +7

        I hate the sensitive nose. I still have it at 32 weeks. I can smell every pile of dog poop on the sidewalk and every nasty cheap perfume people wear on the bus. Perhaps worse is that I can smell myself more, so I am taking extra showers and changing clothes like twice a day. People reassure me that I smell fine, but it drives me crazy.

        1. cait0716 +6

          oh the cologne. This guy I hate wears the worst cologne and it’s making me hate him even more

    3. smeesmeesmee +15

      Hi. I’m 32 weeks in and I feel the same body horror as you (maybe, I’m guessing from your tone). I don’t like seeing my stomach move through my clothing as the baby moves. I don’t like it. I don’t like seeing her on the scans. I had one yesterday and the consultant was like, “and there are her eye sockets and her nostrils” and I looked and wish I hadn’t. Totally into the part where the baby is on the outside of my body, yes please. ALSO a thing happened that I had to google afterwards and now I know about angiokeratomas that happen to some women’s fanjo areas in the 3rd trimester and good god. GOOD GOD.

      2. hystericaldora +33

        Not pregnant/not sure I want kids, but it’s really nice to know that even some pregnant people would describe pregnancy using the term “body horror.”

      3. effableobject +11

        I don’t mind the scans, my body horror is more general and involves a constant sense of despair over the way it’s changing every week in ways that are totally out of my control. But yeah, super looking forward to the baby being OUT, eventually.

    4. emmysuhweeks +9

      Heya! I’m 18 weeks so not fair behind you. Mine’s been objectively very easy as well, but don’t you feel like you want to say, “Yeah, but I’m STILL PREGNANT? That still counts as a full-time activity that is exhausting?” I am SO grateful I never got sick and haven’t had any major complications — but I’m still exhausted and growing a person and trying not to eat EVERYTHING ever, which is different than Normal Life.

      1. effableobject +11

        After sleeping non-stop for three months, I’ve been trying to get back into, you know, exercising. At all. But it’s SO DIFFICULT. Like, after working all day AND growing a fetus at the same time, I can barely slog through a light workout on the elliptical, much less actually run for more than ten seconds. And of course if you google “trouble exercising while pregnant” you just get nine million articles about how of course you can still exercise when you’re pregnant, plus a dozen of those super fit mommy blogs talking about how they ran a marathon in their third trimester and so can you! No, super fit mommy bloggers. No, I really can’t. Also none of my sports bras fit and I can’t figure out which size I am this week, much less what size I’ll be by the time whatever I order actually arrives.

        1. emmysuhweeks +5

          YES. By the time I have gone to work, done errands, come home and tidied up, the laaaast thing I want to do is…well, anything that isn’t sitting on the couch or the birth ball until I pass out.

          I teach dance classes, so that helps because I HAVE to show up for that (and that has been a trial too, I totally recommend holding four year olds in handstands, it’s great) and I make myself go to ballet class for myself, so I have those two reliable work outs, but I always feel like I should be doing MORE. I try to walk on the treadmill a couple times a week, and I’m pretty good about stretches, and crunches, but I could definitely do MORE.

          BUT SPORTS BRAS THOUGH. I was not small chested to begin with, and now I’ve kind of just given up.

          1. effableobject +5

            I might see if Nordstrom can fit me for a sports bra (and then I will probably go look for it on ebay, because $$$$$$). But yeah, I was already in the FF/G range before the hormone explosion. Even for low-impact activities, the selection at Target just doesn’t work.

          2. guest +2

            Quick comment regarding crunches from a pilates teacher- it’s super not recommended for pregnant women or breastfeeding women to do abdominal work where the muscles are working against gravity for the exercise- basically, in a crunch position. The presence of the relaxin hormone causes the connective tissues to soften and many women experience diastasis recti, the separation of the rectus abdominus muscle along the middle vertical line. It’s super unpleasant.

            I promise I’m not concern trolling and if you know this already then feel free to ignore this comment! I just have seen a lot of folks whose doctors never mention this to them. And a couple ladies with some very interesting post-pregnancy crevasses in their abdominal wall that you can stick your fingers way into. Cool from an anatomical nerd standpoint, but not great for the ladies themselves.

            Sorry for the guest reply, intensedabate won’t log me in. 🙁

        2. Cath +4

          This is my problem too! (Getting back into it after being so tired.) 23 weeks here, also a very easy pregnancy (although there were some minor issues around weeks 7-9 that combined with the fatigue to put a stop to the gym visits/running for the first trimester).

          I used to like going to the gym for that feeling like I was achieving — putting in a hard workout, sweating hard, lifting more weight than the time before, the high intensity bits. And now it’s just boring and I can’t do much at all and even going hard enough to break a sweat makes me feel uncomfortable.

          I also have been using the term body horror a lot (although I don’t mind the scans, other than the fact that ultrasounds where you have to drink so much water before are very uncomfortable).

          1. effableobject +3

            Yes! My favorite workout was a boxing class, or a long run where I really pushed my average pace. Now I’m doing prenatal yoga, which admittedly does seem to be helping with pregnancy aches, but I’ve always found yoga so BORING.

          2. Beakses +8

            I really think we need to start prenatal boxing classes as a thing- no sparring, obviously, but I’m really going to need to hit something once they stop letting me throw people. Yoga is not the same.

          3. effableobject +3

            I am 9 million percent here for prenatal boxing classes! I haven’t even been able to use the punching bags at my gym, because there is always a class going on in the room with the punching bags when I’m there.

        3. cait0716 +12

          I have a stationary bike, and my biggest goal right now is to sit on it instead of the couch while i watch tv. And then maybe I’ll be motivated to slowly pedal. But the couch is so nice and lets me lay down

      2. jvthe +6

        I am also 18 weeks, as of yesterday! I have been gaining weight since the beginning (no morning sickness and lots of sugar cravings) but it has only been the last couple of days that I have felt fat, not in a cute-pregnant way, but in a big-ass way. I actually asked my husband to tell me that I’m pretty. This is a new low. Also, the constant tiredness had gone away for a couple weeks, but yesterday I got so tired at 11:30 am that I had no choice but to nap for 2 hours (oh, the joys of working from home).

    5. Frumiosa +27

      I’m 34 weeks tomorrow, with son #3 (a surprise!), and I vary constantly between being happy and grateful and wanting to shoot myself in the face. So tired, and starting to have anxiety about having postpartum anxiety, not to mention how to juggle the ever-expanding chaos of life. And back pain. I can’t stop marveling at how ridiculous this entire process is. If men could get pregnant we’d have Brave-New-Worlded this shit decades ago.

      1. effableobject +16

        We can’t be THAT far out from uterine replicators, scientifically, can we? Like, we can grow plants in space! And yet.

        1. Beakses +12

          I’m definitely considering a reread of the vorkorsigan saga just for the uterine replicator bits.

          1. effableobject +13

            I just finished the new book and every time they’re mentioned I was filled with overwhelming jealousy.

          2. cait0716 +5

            Me, too! I just loaned out the first few to my best friend, and now I’m chomping at the bit to get them back so I can re-read them. Especially Barrayar

      2. ofTrebond +25

        You could tell that book was written by a man because we were clearly supposed to be horrified by that part, and I was very much not.

    6. IronDoe +16

      38 weeks in with my second and I’m so done with this. I’m back to being tired all the time, probably because I can’t sleep for more than a couple of hours without either having to go to the bathroom or wake up fully to roll over very carefully. I’m pissed off that my hands got so swollen I had to take my rings off, but I think the thing I’m most angry about is that it’s 2016 and I might as well ask the Oracle at Delphi instead of a doctor for when this baby will LEAVE.

      1. effableobject +9

        That all sounds horrible, but now I’m really wondering what the Oracle of Delphi would say. I feel like there are probably better oracles out there. Non-Apollo oracles. Maybe a Ouija board? You could try a Magic 8 Ball!

    7. lemonadefish +4

      I did not enjoy it at all! Everything hurt and it was terrible. I didn’t mind the changing body part (frankly it was a relief not to feel like I had to suck in my belly all the time). But I couldn’t sleep or eat or walk more than a few feet or anything and I didn’t like it. 1/3 not at all sorry to have delivered at 33 weeks.

      Also I am growing suspicious that I am again pregnant. Not entirely unwelcome, but also horrifying. Baby #1 will be two next month, and has gotten into the Terrible business full-swing.

    8. Beakses +6

      I’m 9 weeks and have the version of nausea that lasts all day but can be held more or less at bay provided there is always, always something in my stomach. I’m so sick of snacking, and snacks, and I can’t eat the same thing too much because it turns into an aversion since I’m always vaguely nauseous when I’m eating. I just want to be able to eat three full meals! (I also cannot eat more than 50% of a pre-pregnancy meal without feeling awful).

      I could be barfing, so I’m counting my blessings- exercise also make the nausea go away which is the most amazing thing in the entire world and is the only thing that makes me still feel like a person, even if I am a tired person. So ready for the placenta to grow in already!

      1. cait0716 +3

        I’ve had a couple of days like this, but nothing awful so far. Munching on crackers helps, but I am not a snacker, and trying to remember to pack/buy a snack is so hard. I’m practically dead from a combination of hunger and nausea by the time dinner rolls around everyday, but eating something at 4 or 5 in the afternoon just feels so wrong. I can’t get over the idea that I’ll ruin my dinner, even though I very much won’t.

        1. Beakses +7

          The prepackaged snack count in our house has gone from zero to all the snacks- my mom mentioned before I got pregnant that snacks were critical to her first trimester, so I gave into the inevitable as soon as the symptoms hit and went down all this grocery aisles I never walk down. Highly recommend banana chips, absolutely amazing.

    9. Kimmie42 +8

      I’m 39 weeks (sooooo close and yet so far) and it’s been easy for me too, but because I basically get one symptom at a time, like a sampler box of different teas. As soon as I solve one ailment, a new one arises. For example, last week, I was having excruciating back pain because of the baby’s position and me probably overdoing it (i.e. a long public transportation commute). It’s better now that I’m working from home, but instead I’ve developed a massive rash all over my belly and limbs that will NOT STOP ITCHING no matter what I do and I am losing my mind. The doctor says, as he always does, “the only way to get rid of it is to have the baby” and that is less than helpful.

    10. Jules +8

      I find this thread really great. My husband has got the babies rabies bad, but I’m scared out of my mind. We are supposed to start trying soon, and have been working together on how to be best prepared for this whole process. I love kids and night nannied through college, but I also had a very severe eating disorder for 10 years and struggle with anxiety and depression. So pregnancy terrifies me, but I also don’t want fear to prevent me from living a life I know I will love.

      1. Beakses +4

        The Longest Shortest Time podcast was hugely helpful to me when we were at that stage- highly recommend listening to the whole thing, or at least going through the archives and listening to what jumps out to you.

  35. meredithcbrogden +31

    First time in an open thread so hi, everyone. 🙂

    I’ve been unassigned at work for weeks now and I’ve been using that time to study for the CPA. Got to governmental accounting today and I’m just trying to suffer through it because it can get weird.

    I am so excited for HOC because I adore Claire. Not as thrilled about a lot of the other stuff but CLAIRE.

    1. Ivans_Sister +2

      I took the CPA exam right after I graduated from college (20 years ago, jfc) and promptly never used it/got the hours experience my state required, so never actually became a CPA. ANYWAY, man do I remember how much work that is, so my hat is off to you.

    3. lbolesta +2

      My husband is a CPA and works for state government, so I feel you. I was so bored when he was off relentlessly studying that I got a dog for company. Hang in there! Even if you don’t need a CPA for a particular job (like working in state gov’t), having one will jump you to the top of the pile.

      1. meredithcbrogden +3

        Yeah, I’m in public accounting right now as an auditor (just started in January) so it’s kind of expected that I should be licensed within the first two years. And as horrible as the studying is, it will do great things for my future career. Just wish I could have FAR over and done with. It’s the worst.

        1. lbolesta +2

          Mr Knowsey is also an auditor, and it’s the best! No tax season hours! He took a meandering path to get to accounting and spent 3 or 4 years in smallish CPA firms before doing his exams. He also doesn’t have an accounting degree (BFA in sculpture…) so just took all the hours requirements as a grad student who had no intention of finishing an MS in accounting. It’s totally worth it! And also one of the hardest professional exams there is–so much data to cover. He did a lot better on the tests than he thought he would, and is not a great test-taker, so I’m sure you’ll do fine!

    4. kitwings +1

      As a CPA working for local government, I can definitely attest that government accounting is The Weirdest on pretty much every level. good luck. <3

  36. Immunogirl +7

    Music thread? I heard a song by Lianne La Havas this morning on my way into work and I really liked it. I’m going to look up more of her stuff. What are the toasties listening to?

    I always looking for 1) upbeat music for while I’m running experiments at work to keep my energy up. I personally have been trying to listen to more women, as radio in my town seems to mainly play dudes and I like female voices. Also 2) classical music or quieter music with words that are not English for when I am doing work that requires lots of focus. I can’t listen to anything with words I can understand if I’m trying to study or write.

    Any suggestions are welcome!

    1. eastcoastanne +2

      I sometimes listen to Steve Reich – Music for 18 Musicians when I need something in the background that is instrumental.

      Have you heard the new Santigold album? I put that on when I was running the other day, some good upbeat tracks on there.!

      1. Immunogirl +1

        Thanks! I had not heard the new Santigold, but a bunch of people seem to love it so it is on the list.

    2. lilyreads +3

      Regina Spektor is a lot of fun to listen to.

      Classical/quieter music: Vision by Hildegard Von Bingen is nice and in Latin. There are only a handful of albums I can listen to as I write, including the soundtrack to Cider House Rules, Blessing by John Rutter and Catrin Finch, Portrait by Ludivico Einudi, and Thomas Newman scores.

    3. m98widow +2

      Santigold released a new album, and I’m really digging the songs Before the Fire and Banshee from it.

      I love First Aid Kit too, particularly The Lion’s Roar and My Silver Lining. As for upbeat stuff, Spotify has a playlist called Feelin’ Good, which was on the Browse list today and it’s all upbeat Motown/soul hits so I have been grooving to that today.

    4. aiquale +3

      As for studying/writing music, I’ve always found Baroque and Classical era composers like Bach, Vivaldi, Mozart, Beethoven, Haydn, Handel, etc. to be the most helpful. Their musical compositions are very straight-forward, strictly tonal (later Beethoven works excepted), and have very comforting and familiar chord/key progressions that make it much easier to zone out.

      My personal favorites are:

      – Vivalidi’s “Four Seasons” (and his symphonic work in general)
      – Bach’s The Well-Tempered Clavier and all his cello music
      – Haydn and Handel’s symphonies
      – Beethovan’s piano music (his three movement sonatas Pathetique and Moonlight especially) and all 9 of his symphonies, but especially the 5th and 9th ones.
      – Mozart — anything really. Piano, solo instrumental, symphonic. . . you really can’t go wrong

      If you’re more into the Romantic or Impressionistic eras let me know and I can give you recs for those as well!

    5. bower_bird +2

      Have you tried POLIÇA? Female fronted, very upbeat but still plenty of edge. They just released a new album this morning, but their first one, Give You The Ghost, is by far the best.

    6. catweazlol +4

      If you want a lady singing upbeat songs you can try Emilie Simon’s album “The Big Machine” and some of her other songs like “Rose Hybride de The” and “Menteur.”

      If you want quieter music with non-English words I recommend these Emilie Simon songs: “Chanson de Toile,” “Lise,” “Il Pleut,” “Le Vieil Amant,” “Desert,” “Opium,” “Mon Chevalier,” “Sous Les Etoiles,” and “”Les Amoureux de minuit”

      Mainly I just want everybody to listen to Emilie Simon because she’s the best.

    7. Antonius_Block +1

      I’m in the same boat re: study/writing music. I really love Stephen Thompson’s (of NPR Music) Songs for Editing playlist. For upbeat(ish?) music from women, I’m always listening to The Jezabels (particularly their album The Brink) and Alex Winston.

    9. amardine +6

      FEELING you on female voices; I’ve realized that many genres of music I thought I disliked are actually fine – I just don’t like most male voices!

      I’ve been into a lot of female surf pop/punk lately, which is pretty upbeat. You should check out Habibi and Tacocat (The song Crimson Wave makes me want to burst out in spontaneous dance/laughter every time I hear it).

    10. deleted2997279 +3

      If you’re on Spotify, they have an “intense focus” playlist that is super effective for me when I’m trying to write – it’s all classical, I think?

      For upbeat women, I really like M.I.A., Santigold, Janelle Monae, Kimbra, Allie X….there’s a country duo Maddie & Tae who have a great song about asking a guy to shut up and fish instead of hitting on her (it’s called, dun dun dun, Shut Up and Fish). OOO I bet “The First Lady’s Day of the Girl” playlist on Spotify would have some good ones too (apparently The White House has a spotify account??).

    11. ilovemychumjum +2

      I loooove Lianne La Havas! Both of her albums are so great, and I had her latest on repeat for a few weeks.

      Lately I’ve been listening to Lucius and Tegan and Sara, which are both female-fronted and have a lot of upbeat songs!

    12. sausagedog +4

      “1) upbeat music for while I’m running experiments at work to keep my energy up”

      please do yourself a huge favor and stream Carly Rae Jepsen’s masterpiece, E*MO*TION. Seriously my top album of 2015, and I’m not the biggest pop music person.

      Bonus: some great, high-energy pop-punk by women: Chumped, The Worriers

    13. RudyRed +1

      Sleater-Kinney, the Dollyrots, and Tsunami Bomb are all upbeat woman-fronted bands, if you’re into alt/pop-punky kind of stuff.

    14. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

      I am in week 9 or so of obsessively exploring music on The SixtyOne, which is this gameified social music website I have lured some other toasties onto. If anyone wants to check it out, here is a link!: http://www.thesixtyone.com/?referred_by_username=…

      The site is a weird mix of indie bands and big name tracks and people who are recording music in their garage between cups of coffee or whatever. I have discovered Fleet Little Foxes (love, love, love) and a sort of bluegrass/folky booze-heavy group called Rhubarb Whiskey, and a ton of very pleasant soothing piano music by an Italian guy named Corrado Rossi. I have made playlists of the latter (along with other mostly instrumental/piano stuff) to listen to while writing letters and it is great for that.

    16. SarcasticFringehead +2

      For fun music, I love Elle King’s album “Love Stuff” – the overall message is basically “I love having sex and I don’t care about men’s feelings and I’m not sorry” and I love it.

    17. dorianneemmerton +3

      Gossip is excellent woman-voiced music with vigour. Marina & The Diamonds. Grimes.

      1. kitwings +1

        oh, thank you for reminding me about Grimes. it turns out I will see them live in May and had not heard of them so need to research. I love Marina.

    18. RandomCrouton +2

      Bach, esp. the Brandenberg Concertos: I always imagine the intricate melodies are like my neurons work work working to solve a problem, then during the grandiose overtures I envision myself rolling into class/work/some meeting with fantastic fanfare and just saying “look upon all I have accomplished!!!:

      other artists:
      TokiMonsta
      Odesza
      RATATAT
      Brian Eno (the really ambient stuff)
      x.y.r.

    19. Ray

      I’ve been searching for similar sorts of music and am super excited that you started this thread.

      I love Dessa ( the best lyrics and she us jyst a personal hero) and Halsey ( so catchy!) for strong upbeat (ish) ladies. They are more dreamy, but I really like Wild Ones for running.

      I listen to horse feathers for writing/ coding often.

    20. SmrtCookie +1

      I’ve been really liking classical guitar for focusing music. I find a lot of classical music is too dynamic and pulls my focus Classical guitar tends to work the same that songs in other languages work for me- lyrical but not in a way that pulls my focus.

      1. Xolandra +1

        I like it too! Liona Boyd is my go-to artist, everything she does is flawless. And also rumour has it she boffed Pierre Elliot Trudeau out at Meech Lake, and i like contemplating that, too.

    21. Xolandra +1

      I enjoy Stereototal a lot – they sing in French, German and English, and it is kind of all over the place – some will be good for working, some for running. For keeping pace, I like Bitter:Sweet and the Kinfe (brother sister duo, she sings more than he does) (electronic), the Dance Hall Crahsers (ska!) the Soviettes (LPIII is the only one worth it, but it is through the roof. Check for the song What Did I Do?) and sometimes Fiona Apple and the Go-Gos. O, and do you know Toronto musician Lights? She is super adorable (and was unfortunately managed by Jian Ghomeshi), and her early album is really peppy and great. Her second album was done in collaboration with Holy Fuck, which if you are into electronic ambiant, may also be For You. And maybe also you will enjoy A Tribe Called Red? They sample vocal tracks, so there will be dudes singing, but in Anishnaabe, which… does not sound like dudes singing in English. They are Very Good, tho, and definitely worth investigation at least).

      For instrumental music, if you like piano, Chopin. So good, and not always super flashy (RACHMANINOFF).

    22. alder_tree +1

      For number two: Sigur Ros works for me! They’re singing in Icelandic or a made-up language most of the time. Their stuff tends to be both atmospheric and busy enough to be excellent background music for things that require concentration.

      Also: I have a local classical station that streams: http://player.allclassical.org/ I find that most classical music and opera is fine for me.

  37. abeegoesbuzz +34

    Hey there, Hamiltoasties! I’m seeing Hamilton next Friday, which I’m wayyyyyyy too excited about. Question: What does a grown adult woman (me) wear to a Broadway musical? Do people dress all fancy? Please pardon my ignorance, for I am uncouth.

    Also, I came up with a great pun after the GOP debates last night, but I only have a handful of Twitter followers, and, god help me, I just really want to spread the word about the girther movement.

    1. aiquale +14

      Congrats on getting to see Hamilton, you luck duck!

      Technically you can wear anything to a Broadway show, but general theatre etiquette usually calls for wearing something slightly dressing — like what you’d wear to a cocktail party. You don’t have to wear a dress (obviously) but basically anything but sneaker and jeans is a go!

    2. Rachel8489 +18

      Officially, there’s no dress code. Unofficially, there are a lot of people (myself included, most of the time) who would argue that the theater is a special occasion and deserves not-jeans. I cringe during summer when there are people in like, basketball shorts. But I’m a snob who was raised by snobs!

      If you want to dress up, I highly encourage it. The theater is beautiful and it’s fun to get dressed up!

    3. jwhittz +11

      Wear something comfy as the seats are not. Other than that, wear what you like. Many people will be in jeans, some will have dressed up, others will be coming from work.
      There’s really, really, really no dress code for Broadway shows, and it will definitely run the gamut, so whatever you want to wear will be just fine.

      1. madgeylou +5

        If you have a big ass like me the seats are extra not-comfy so streamlined is better than floofy. I wore a tunic and a blazer and some slippery leggings and that was good.

  38. wallsdonotfall +41

    Friends! I am leaving my job! For a very exciting position, but I don’t know if I can talk about it yet! But I want to talk about it! Anyway: has anyone got tips on adjusting to life in a college town if you’ve only lived in pop. 3+ million cities with every kind of food you would ever want to eat?

    1. awnutts +24

      Give up on the dream of late-night deliveries. With the exception of pizza, they will not happen.

      On the bright side, you will be surrounded by people who will want to talk about big! ideas and love any kind of art and culture because they don’t get nearly enough. Start a book club or a film club or whatever and people will be all in, because it won’t be just another book club, you know? (This is based on my childhood of living in a college town in the middle of NOWHERE)

      1. wallsdonotfall +19

        Very excited to build a new social life based around dinner parties because guess what, friends, I’ve got a whole pantry full of spices and you have very few other options.

    2. PaigePoo +14

      I love college towns! Take advantage of all the cool/interesting/weird performances, presentations, lectures, etc. that will happen on campus.

      1. lbolesta +9

        Yes! My college town was pequeno but the college was very good about importing culture for us, and most everything was free for all. And when your only two options are going to the symphony for free or hanging out at Wal-Mart…

      1. wallsdonotfall +18

        The sick thing is that I am a librarian and my new place of work has over thirteen million volumes but yes, you are exactly correct and I shall.

        1. chickpeas +1

          Oh wow, based on that number, I wonder if you are moving to my former college town! Even if not, a good thing to do is to arrange to be out of town during freshman move-in. You don’t have to go far or do anything fancy, but just… be somewhere else. Literally anywhere.

          Also, say goodbye to getting irresponsibly drunk in public. You WILL see someone you know. Every time.

          1. tinypaperme +2

            Seconding the need to be Away during freshman move-in. Also plan to be Away the weekend following graduation and ~August 15, which are the big summer sublet switcheroo and when most leases expire, respectively. Garbage everywhere and streets clogged with moving vans. (But good pickin’ if you’re not above rescuing perfectly good furniture/clothing from the side of the road or dumpsters.)

        2. DeepBlueC +1

          Ok, like at least one other commenter, I am pretty sure I know where you are going! I lived there for 2 years with my fiancee (who now has her MSLIS and is working at another big library) and still miss some of the restaurants there more than a year later. Considering its size, there are some gems. In campus town there’s Zorba’s for gyros, Bangkok Thai for great $5 lunch specials, Jerusalem Deli…a little further out, but still public transit-accessible, there’s Seaboat for amazing fried fish if you’re into that. Jahrlings had cold fudge on frozen custard, and while they had a scare about closing, I think they are coming back! Also, even if you have a car, public transit is great and I’m pretty sure it’s free for staff! (And stupid cheap if it’s not. My yearly pass went UP to $72 for unlimited riding for the year the 2nd year I live there. It’s great for traveling between public libraries which are GREAT, and to save hassle parking for uni events. Don’t miss them even though you have 13 million books in the university library.) If I didn’t write this novel about the wrong town, feel free to ask me anything else. 🙂

    4. irishbreakfasttime +5

      aaaah, congrats! I bet you will have lots of food-centered weekend trips in your future and they will be so delicious!

      1. wallsdonotfall +4

        Thank you! It’s not SO far, right? That’s what I keep telling myself.

    6. ksek +14

      I moved to a college town a few years ago — although I had previously only lived in towns ranging from “too small to even have a community college” to “has a satellite campus of a state school, but it’s still pretty tiny” — so this town of 30,000 is the Big City to me.

      But some tips:
      –College kids don’t go out in large numbers until like 11pm. So if you’re like me and are in pajamas at 11pm, crowded bars are barely ever an issue.
      –College towns attract a lot of artsy little boutique shops, which is terrific. I also frequent the just-off-campus art supply store all the time, because they have great prices and are the nicest people.
      –Even if you are not working AT the college, have a general knowledge of the school’s schedule. (and, for example, avoid coffee shops during finals week. SO BUSY.)
      –In the summer, the town will be YOURS. Available parking everywhere. Zero wait time at any restaurant.

    7. SmrtCookie +9

      It depends on the college town! I’ve lived in one where the town was in pretty bad shape but I’ve also lived in one where the town is completely delightful (and has every kind of food you would ever ant to eat!) Even in the not great college town there was tons of interesting (and often free!) stuff going on around campus.

    8. telophase +9

      Fellow librarian here, who has lived and worked at schools in big cities and small cities.

      Restaurants may close down entirely between Christmas and the New Year.

      If you don’t follow sports, if it’s a school with sports teams, keep up with the schedules! You will want to avoid the school area and nearby restaurants during home games, and you won’t want to have any visitors over who might need hotel rooms those weekends because there won’t be any. On the bright side, home games are the perfect time to go grocery shopping if you don’t care to attend.

      Depending on your age, the social world may be a bit weird. I took a job in my late 20s in a college town and I ended up smack in the middle of a social gulf: my potential friends/partners were either college students/recent grads, or professors who were 35+. I didn’t date for five+ years, but I did end up hanging out with the science fiction club on campus, which had a few grad students and older students in it, and ended up meeting my (eventual) husband, although he was a 5th-year senior when we first met and we didn’t start dating until he was almost 30. And my current social group is still made of people I met during that time.

      Nthing the people who mention the arts and culture available, and if you are a subject librarian, see if any of the professors in your subject and your supervisor will let you sit in on lectures. You can acquaint yourself with the needs of the students and learn stuff at the same time! Also, check to see if your school offers extended education classes. I’ve taken languages and arts courses for half the price the regular public does, and it allows you to meet people and get out of the house.

      1. wallsdonotfall +4

        Late twenties, yes, but there’s a very large graduate school so I am determined to mine it for friends. I didn’t think of the restaurant thing, that’s frightening. Thank you!

      2. tinypaperme +1

        Home games are THE BEST for grocery shopping. YES.

        Also be aware of the home game schedule if you live anywhere near a main road. I lived on a main street into the campus area for 10 years and every night before a football game, I’d move my car from our lot to a side street on the other side of the main drag. Otherwise, I’d never have gotten out of my own driveway.

    9. grumblyqueer +4

      College towns normally do have food options! I mean, you don’t find everything from Albanian to Zanzibari, but most of them contain decently authentic Greek, Mexican that isn’t Taco Bell, and Asian food that’s actually from specific countries. Even in Nowhere, Corn Country and Pennsyltuckey.

  39. aiquale +30

    AUTISM/ASD THREAD

    Hi Toasties! I was recently diagnosed at 31 with high-functioning ASD. I’ve been wandering around the internet looking for a good support group and thought I’d look here in my favorite corner of cyber space! I posted a query about any pre-existing Toastie Autism groups in yesterday’s Link Roundup, but it looks like no one’s made one yet. Sooooooo. . . introducing the newest Toastie google group — Autoasties!

    Any Toastie with ASD or those who have family members or partners/spouses on the spectrum are welcome to join. Just shoot me an email at [email protected] to get an invitation.

    ***ETA: You can join if you have been officially diagnosed or self-diagnosed — all are welcome!

    1. politeyeti +2

      Is it a slack group? Facebook? I’m in, I just want to know what I’m signing up for.

      1. aiquale +1

        Oh, of course! I’ve set it up as a Google group because I thought that their organizational structure would be the most conducive for discussing different topics and the like.

  40. slowseptember +25

    I’m in the open thread!! I’m so excited!
    (Friday mornings are usually when I fall back into bed after taking Fellow to the train and sleep until waking, bewildered and smelly, at 1:45PM).

    My business may, may be taking off.
    I have decided to Disengage from fighting with my MIL.
    My darling friend whose commenter name on The Toast I can’t remember so I can’t tag her is coming to visit me for the weekend and we are going to pick out GLASSES and go to KARAOKE.

    Things were pretty rough for me, in January. I am feeling like perhaps things are getting better.

    2. deleted2997279 +11

      <3<3<3 highly endorse disengaging with MILs. I’m glad things are looking up overall.

    4. Heathered +2

      I hope that karaoke inaugurates your happy turnaround in style. May things keep getting better!

  41. bread_and_roses +49

    Waiting to find out if i’m pregnant is the longest wait. That is all.

    1. awnutts +26

      Whatever answer you are looking for, I wish it for you. And I wish many fun and silly distractions until that answer comes.
      So say we all.

    2. aravisthequeen +27

      It is the worst. Getting my period this week while simultaneously finding out that a disliked acquaintance is pregnant was double the worst.

      1. ingeborggeht +19

        This…and the slight and unjustifiable feeling of betrayal whenever anyone posts a pregnancy announcement on Facebook…

          1. ingeborggeht +23

            Nice to know it’s not just me…somehow telling myself that babies are not a zero sum game and they didn’t take MINE never helps.

          2. anthemyst +9

            Yeah, I mostly don’t get jealous but there’s a part of me that’s SO JEALOUS that my sister had such an easy time getting pregnant last year! “We’ve decided to not NOT try to get pregnant” then nine weeks later I find out she’s seven weeks along, basically. And I haven’t even been trying that long, so feeling frustrated and jealous seems entitled, but there it is.

      1. bread_and_roses +8

        <3 aw, thanks. I’m okay, the hypervigilance is just tedious, as you well know.

    4. emmysuhweeks +26

      It is, indeed. I feel like there needs to be an easier/sooner way to tell. Like can’t we glow blue like Frodo’s sword Sting when orcs are close? Just no wondering, no waiting, just — oops, she’s blue, she’s pregnant, right now.

      1. bread_and_roses +10

        Someone suggested see-through abdomens, which would be cool for all kinds of reasons.

        2. Summer +2

          Sorry, I don’t even know why I clicked on the pregnancy thread but this just reminded me of when I first got my period and kept glancing down at my abdomen and expecting to see the diagram from textbooks (not really, I guess, but I was somehow always surprised not to see SOMETHING whenever I glanced at my abdomen, for days).
          Best of luck with the pregnancy stuff!

    5. lemonadefish +9

      Me too! This is either the worst PMS I’ve had in ages and ages, or there’s a little blastocyst in there. Can test Tuesday or Wednesday next week. Have not yet mentioned possibility to Mr. LF. Would be both happy and unhappy either way, so…

    7. PallasPerilous +6

      Guh. I am a lady married to a lady, and last year we (I) started trying. Blowing almost $2000 for each attempt made those two week waits all the more hideous, and some serious medication eff-ups meant that I was hurtling into a slow motion psychiatric car crash that nobody caught until I was deeply, deeply, deeeeeply Not Okay.

      We took nearly half a year off, and I’m doing tons better and have really shored up my mental/emotional/psychiatric resources, but just the sight of a pregnancy test on a TV show still spikes my anxiety, and the dozen-plus pregnancy announcements I’ve been confronted with in the last few months have been emotionally tricky.

      Now we are prepping to go back in – new donor, new (more expensive but also much more attentive) clinic. I will do Clomid! I will do acupuncture! IDGAF anymore about how it happens, basically, as long as it gets us there in one reasonably sane piece.

      I am hopeful that all that personal care work in our time off will mean any future two week waits will feel less like a terrifying slide towards doom and more like “this may be super crappy, but I can’t control it, I know it’s temporary, and it’s going to work out the way it’s supposed to.” I hope you do okay, too.

      1. bread_and_roses +3

        Yeah. I’m also a lady married to a lady, and the costs involved are ridiculous. I’m sorry you’ve had such a shitty time of it, and it sounds like you’re in a much better place now.

        This is our first round back on the horse after I miscarried in December. I do feel less obsessive than before, but more than I would like to.

        1. PallasPerilous +4

          Oof, thank you. I feel you on the loss front – I had a VERY early miscarriage on my first cycle, and everything shitty that came after was related fallout from that. Turns out that if hormonal birth control gives you panic attacks, you proooobably shouldn’t be given progesterone supplements for four cycles in a row “just in case” that was the issue. 😐

          It’s SO fricking lonely, am I right? Start with a female partnership, add in going to a clinic that typically sees infertile straight couples, and it all gives you a sense of isolation and a scarcity mindset. Throw in a pregnancy loss and it’s easy to feel like “I am the world’s biggest dumb-dumb for thinking this could happen.”

          My fingers are crossed that you have as good and safe and unscary an experience as possible. If you need a random lesbian stranger to commiserate with, good grief, PLEASE send me a line. I’m quirkybird (at) gmail.com.

          1. bread_and_roses +2

            Thanks. Progesterone does fuck one up, for sure.

            Our RE practice actually sees a lot of lesbian couples (advantage to living in a big city full of queers) and expects us, but in the larger world, yes, it can get weird and lonely. I have many straight friends who have been through infertility hell, but they don’t deal with the rationing of sperm like we do.

            Thanks for your offer, I’ll definitely keep it in mind. Meanwhile, if you’re interested, there’s a Toastie google group for those of us TTC.

          2. PallasPerilous +1

            Oh man, a sane Google group would be excellent – if somebody can sling me the join link, I will be there in a heartbeat.

  42. protocoach +20

    Jorbs thread? Is anyone else job-hunting? Commiserate here! I kinda just started the process this week – reached out to some people, had a phone call with a recruiter at a place where a buddy works. I forgot how high stress this shit is, but I’ve gotten to the point where going into work is kind of a downer, and the projects we’re working on are boring, and I don’t really like or relate to most of my coworkers (huge age gaps are not rill fun). My dad is making this delightful situation even better by periodically sending me emails about how VC capital is drying up and will start killing the job market for programmers any day now, which…c’mon, man, that’s not helpful.

    1. FeliciaFancybottom +11

      Oh hiiiiii! I’m not posting under my normal account, as I am paranoid, but I have . . . 1 hour and 37 minutes until a phone interview for an awesome company I would very much like to work for, that would pay me over double my current salary. Auuughhhgghhhhhhh.

    2. eastcoastanne +5

      I don’t know where you live, but if Women Who Code has a chapter in your city, they seem to be a great network for jobs. The DC group has a slack with a jobs channel, decent amount of “I know the hiring manager let me know if you are interested”

      1. protocoach +1

        I’m in Chicago, and I know a bunch of our local WWC organizers, and they are awesome, but I am actually a dude who codes. I’ve put out feelers via other channels – I’m a bootcamp grad, and we have a slack channel with jobs postings, so I’m reaching out that way.

    3. hlmorris85 +6

      I’m dragging my feet on it and then hating myself for that. I’ve resolved to really, seriously start this weekend.

      1. protocoach +1

        I was right there with you for all of February. I’ve been proofing my resume over and over again, thinking about reaching out to people, then I just got fed up last week and was like, “I’m doing this.”

    4. bighairnoheart +8

      I am job hunting and I already want to gauge my eyes out. Graduation is looming and I literally cannot sleep anymore cause I’m too busy thinking about what I must be doing wrong.

      2. bighairnoheart +7

        Also. Dear prospective employers who might see this: I can properly spell gouge even if my phone can’t. Promise.

    5. kissmecate238 +3

      Ugh, yes me. I’m on my yearly “this job is hella toxic and I need to get out” job hunt. I told my job I was looking last year because they were dragging their feet hiring another admin, so I was trying to be nice and not leave them in a lurch. Clearly did not get a job last year and told them I was calling off the search. However last year my supervisor wrote me a glowing recommendation. What is everyone’s opinion on me photoshopping out her contact info and sending it with my resume? Bad idea?

      1. protocoach +1

        Would she not be willing to write you another one, or do you just not want them to know you’d like to leave?

        1. kissmecate238

          I do not want them to know I’m looking again because then I won’t get an annual raise, which is what happened last year. Also they’re just super all up in everyone’s business about everything. So I just want to keep it on the downlow still.

    6. perianwen +9

      We have always been job-hunting.
      🙁

      No seriously, I’ve been looking/applying for what has to be 2+ years now. And it depresses me constantly, because I don’t have enough education to move out of pink collar jobs, and I can’t go below a certain wage as I’m supporting myself. So it’s a very long slog. I applied for something in my neighbourhood (closing date was last Friday) and I’ve not had a call from them for any kind of interview, so I suspect I didn’t make *that* shortlist either.

      1. Nashirakins +5

        Re: skills… Are you at all interested in programming slash web development? If so, FreeCodeCamp is a pretty excellent *free* bootcamp that’s designed to spit you out with skills and a portfolio at the end, while assisting some pretty cool non-profits with applications development. There’s a community associated with it that’s full of pretty chill people who like to help each other out, too. It’s a pretty significant time component to complete, and I won’t act like tech is a field of sunshine and roses, but… It’s an avenue. They teach you how to program in general too, not just how to do cookie cutter stuff, so you can apply it to other programming languages later on.

        edit: n.b. I am also stuck in pink collar work and I’m trying to extricate myself.

        1. perianwen +5

          Is this an online thingy, she says, instead of going to google it herself.
          I could potentially do something like that (I have a certificate in web design from eons ago, so the ideas aren’t way-out-there concepts) although I would have to seriously light a fire under my lazy, lazy ass to do it.

          1. Nashirakins +6

            100% online and I have done most of my front end dev stuff on my *phone*. It’s super convenient since I can work on stuff on my lunch break or while I wait 30min every evening for my carpool: FreeCodeCamp.

            Just don’t tell anyone about the ridiculous victory dances I do when I’ve managed to get code to pass the tests and I’ve rewritten it to be more elegant. 😀 I just wish I’d stop getting mad at JavaScript for not treating strings like char arrays.

          2. persimmonfan +1

            Does it work for beginners? or is it more intermediate-moderate skill level?
            I’m really interested in learning to code instead of just trying to figure something out when things go wrong, but we only have a wordpress website at work and I am like, so, so, green.

      2. protocoach +4

        Agh, that sucks. If you are interested in switching careers to tech, I did that! (I was a teacher.) It was very hard, but better for me in the long run. I’d be happy to talk to you about it, if you’d like, either here or at my screenname at gmail. If not, I wish you luck in your job hunt. It is a crappy time.

    7. yellzee +4

      Ugh I am in the job hunting tango with you. It is very disheratening and stressful. I’ve been told to network more and so am ramping that up again, so here’s hoping?

      1. protocoach +7

        I hate networking so very, very much. I have friends, but I can’t go to places and just “network”. (And my GF can absolutely do this – she is your friend after ten minutes and knows your deepest secrets after twenty and is introducing you to this cool person she knows who’s hiring for your dream job in an hour – so she stares at me like I’ve grown a third eye when I explain for the thousandth time that, at networking events, I’m happiest standing quietly in a corner and people-watching.)

        1. perianwen +5

          Right there with you. I hate networking, and I hate being expected to “sell” myself. Either I have the skills you want (or can be trained to them), or I don’t. I shouldn’t have to pitch myself like some kind of entrepreneur’s project.

    8. foxinthe_snow +10

      Ugh it is miserable and horrible and I can only do it in 10 minute bursts because otherwise it sets me off in a depression spiral. I hate having to do this. Can someone just give me money to sit at home and watch videos of kittens? I have a lot of experience!

      1. protocoach +8

        I apologize in advance, but if I ever find that job, I won’t be able to tell you about it, because I will have literally dropped everything to take it immediately.

    9. mrtafadhali +5

      I am, and I’ve only been doing it for a month, and really mostly pretty casually, and it is so disheartening and soul-crushing still.

      I’ve been an awful person who has, like, applied to 1-2 jobs/internships/school programs at a time and usually gotten them in the past, so no one needs to feel sorry for me, but this has been a really awful month for other reasons so aggressive silence plus one rejection has not…helped with that.

      1. protocoach +2

        Aghhh! I hope it gets better. I did have to get really serious about it last time before I actually saw results.

    10. sluts4ever +3

      hello fellow Chicagoan! i am sort of looking for new jobs (in the process of applying for an internal position; won’t know what the outcome is for another two weeks but if i don’t get it i’m outta here!) so i feel you! i’m looking more in corporate responsibility than in tech, and i’m at the point in my career where i’m being picky about my next step, but i’ve had pretty good success in terms of getting interviews even when i’m halfheartedly looking. so pieces of advice even though you didn’t ask!

      1) if you haven’t already get a LinkedIn. fill it out in earnest. use specifics. this is is your e-cover letter and recruiters WILL message you. follow groups, organizations, etc that you are interested in. networking fucking blows, but e-networking sucks just a smidge less. LinkedIn’s job search function is also really awesome; put in your wants (company size, job level, etc), and they’ll recommend jobs that actually fit those parameters!

      2) if you know someone who works at a company that you think is cool, or does something that you think is cool, or even have a friend of a friend who you’re like ‘huh, that sounds interesting,’: ask them out to coffee. people fucking looooovvveeeee being taken out to coffee and talking about themselves. it makes you look good, you get to talk about cool stuff, and i’ve been sent quite a few job leads by making those connections. coffee is so much less intimidating that a room full of people wearing name tags and handing out business cards.

      3) tech places in chicago that i’ve heard good things about: braintree, context media, grubhub (hiring like WOAH), give forward. have you been on built in chicago? check them out if not.

      1. protocoach +1

        All great advice! I do have a LinkedIn, but I can’t update it without my bosses asking some questions that I’d rather they not ask. I’m reaching out to a few people right now, but I gotta get more aggressive. I actually did pop an email out to somebody at Context; I interviewed there last year, and I was impressed, but I got a better offer elsewhere. I haven’t checked out Built In Chicago lately. I’m going to swing through there and start doing the cold-calling/emailing thing (which is the worrrsssttt) if my contacts can’t land me anything.

        Also, I totally didn’t realize GrubHub was hiring. Gotta see if the DBC Borg know anybody over there.

        1. sluts4ever +3

          I’m going to push back about LinkedIn; it is such a great resource that headhunters use every day and will truly make a difference in your job search. Please update your LinkedIn. Make it the most baller profile in all the land. I know of a few programmers just off the top of my head who got scouted on there and are now making an insane amount of money that makes my non-profit heart cry.

          If your boss does ask questions, you can frame it in a positive manner by saying something like “It’s a great move for our company. When potential employees/clients look at our LinkedIn presence they’re able to see projects we’ve worked on successfully, and what it looks like to work here. It’s a free tool that we should all be using to expand our business!” Also: your boss can’t fire you for looking for other opportunities. Ask A Manager is an amazing resource; check that shit out. And yeah, cold calliing/applying sucks but it works sometimes!

          Dev Bootcamp! Fun! A good friend of mine works for them. Definitely reach out to their recruitment people; I’m sure they’re happy to help alums because it looks good for them if you get a great job at a well-known company.

          1. protocoach +2

            Hurm…you make a really good case, but I am still a little queasy about it. I don’t want to rock the boat too much here, in case nothing pans out. We have a big project wrapping soon; I’ll update it after that. It’s a natural time to do so, when something big just got added to the resume, right?

            And yeah, I’m working hand-in-hand with the career people there. They’re the best. Who do you know who works there? We might be friends-of-friends.

          2. sluts4ever +1

            Yeah, definitely update after a big project! You can also update with just job titles so you can use their job search function–they look at titles and keywords to tailor your suggested jobs. It made me a bit queasy too but I framed it in a “I’m looking for professional development opportunities outside of work (associate board, training, etc) and I need to give them my LinkedIn in order to be qualified…” which didn’t raise eyebrows.

            Emily! Not sure if there’s more than one Emily but her last name starts with an M.

    11. eegghh +4

      I was job hunting until about 3 weeks ago when I got an offer. They warned me that the on boarding process would be slow, but man, it. is. slow. So I’m hired and yet, waiting waiting waiting to start. I’m still very sympathetic towards anyone going through the process.

      1. protocoach +1

        Oh my god, that’s glacial. Take heart, though, it could be worse; I had a buddy get hired in November of 2014, but his apprentice cohort didn’t start until March of 2015.

    12. notebook-keeper +5

      I just lost one of my main freelance gigs this week because they consistently pay me late and when I called them on it said they couldn’t commit to a payment schedule. So, they’ve gotta go but they were about 30-40% of my income and now I have to find some new moneymaking things. Argh.

  43. PaigePoo +80

    Last night I saw Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie speak and she was lovely and wonderful and talked about Beyonce and natural hair YouTube vloggers and her dad. It was amazing and I cried, more than once, because I felt so happy and lucky.

    1. rhymeswitheight +7

      She is amazing. I saw her speak a few years ago, and she shut down all the dumb as shit non question questions during the Q and A period. Not in a mean way, she would just be like, “I don’t know what you’re asking me.” She was also very kind to a woman who got up to the mic and started crying. Annnnd on a last, superficial note – her outfit was so cool.

  44. jimmyjimjimjim +13

    I made more lemon poppy seed pancakes but (having run out of blueberry syrup) made a ~1/3cup of glaze with a large teaspoon of ground ginger.
    *waves hands* It was brilliant.

    That said is there a way to take some of the bite out of ginger? I’d love to be able to sort of double up on the non-bitey ginger flavor while only single upping on the bite.

    1. dashitall +4

      *waving hands with you* that sounds phenomenal. no recommendations for the ginger flavor, but i know what i’m making for breakfast tomorrow!

    2. wallsdonotfall +6

      When I make ginger ice cream with infused cream, it’s very gingery but not spicy. Maybe try steeping sliced ginger in your milk for a while before using in the pancakes?

    3. MilesofMountain +4

      Replace half the fresh ginger with dried or candied ginger? They’re much milder

  45. geekcrackteam +19

    I haven’t eaten a solid meal in about 4 days because of medication related nausea, but I seem to have my appetite back now! I just can think of anything I want to eat. I’m gonna play it safe and stick to apples and toast for a bit (smells are a big no-no RN*)

    *definitely definitely not pregnant and it’s the first thing everyone has said to me. I even convinced myself I might be (I’d have to have the most asymptomatic pregnancy every or I’d be the next virgin Mary.), but I managed to see sense after a few hours of panicking.

        1. CleverManka +1

          I didn’t eat for nearly a week after my December surgery and it was the worst. I hope you’re able to get some nutrition in you soon!

          1. geekcrackteam +4

            That sucks! The worst of the nausea is gone, thank God, but all week I’ve been confused between ‘am I hungry or about to puke?’

            I think I’m hungry now, but I have no desire to eat. Hopefully the munchies will solve this soon, and I bought the making avocado on toast (so, avocados and bread, plus eggs for a poached egg on top!) I just have to get around to cooking…

    2. bethany +4

      Do you have a rice cooker? I feel like this a lot because it’s a symptom of my anxiety, and minimally seasoned white rice is another thing I can usually talk myself into eating, and relatively high in nutrition for bland food.

  46. CleverManka +7

    NYC Toasties, I’m still planning to visit your fair city March 14-17! Just putting out a call in case anyone has time/interest in a Monday (the 14th) or Wednesday (the 16th) evening get-together. We’re staying in midtown Manhattan–I think at the Cambria–if that helps with planning. Ginkotree contacted me to let me know she’s interested, but I understand it’s weird to go somewhere to meet one person (well, two, the Burgomaster will probably be there). If you’re more comfortable working this out in email, I’m clevermanka68 at gmail. I would love to meet people, but mid-week stuff is a drag and it’s honestly fine if things don’t pan out.

    1. jwhittz +2

      I can do either day (though selfishly I want to meet up after Hamilton so we can gush, if you are so inclined.) I’ll drop you an email too (so you know I’m a real person? I dunno).

      1. CleverManka +2

        Excellent! Wednesday works fine for me since I’ll be coming off a pretty long day by Monday evening (we leave Kansas at some ridiculously early hour).

    2. coloredlights +2

      Me too, me too! I am free either day because I am still unemployed (hahahahasob). I will shoot you an email later tonight but I am llyfrgell at gmail.

    4. awnutts +4

      Bummer, I will be there the weekend before. I’m leaving on the 13th. I am sorry I will miss you, but now I know that you are following me, I will leave the city better than I found it, like a campsite. 🙂

      Also, just over 7 days to Hamilton! Wheeeeeee!

  47. kitten_mittens +10

    Happy Friday, Toasties! Does anyone have any delightful European adventures they would like to share? My best friend and I are in the very early stages of planning a 2-week 30th birthday romp about Europe and we’re crowdsourcing as many fabulous ideas as we can get!

    1. longlostlullaby +5

      Prague is beautiful and fantastic! And cheap if you’re coming in with US dollars.

      1. foxinthe_snow +3

        I was about to suggest Prague! My boyfriend and I recently went on a trip through a couple of Central European cities and Prague was far and away my favourite. The food was crazy cheap (coming from London that is) and so good! We were there for about 5 days which was enough time to do the city justice while also leaving stuff for next time, because I definitely want to go back.

        1. kitten_mittens +1

          Prague looks gorgeous! Was it easy to get around not speaking Czech? We speak Spanish and a bit of French between the two of us but Czech is very different from both of those!

          1. kathleenvguds +3

            You don’t need Czech but learning a couple phrases such as “Dobry den” (good day) and “Dekuje” (thank you) can go a long way. “One beer, please”, if you’re a beer drinker, is “Jedno pivo, prosim”. If you’re spending time in Prague I definitely recommend going to Cesky Krumlov which I think is 2 hours away…?- an overnight trip is enough time to see everything, including the castle, and enjoy a meal in a charming cellar restaurant with a fireplace (of which there is at least one).

            Edited to say that I am not a Czech speaker so there may be mistakes in those phrases, but they’re close!

          2. kitten_mittens +4

            “One beer, please” will be a staple phrase on this trip, I imagine 🙂 Thank you!

          3. tiny_bookbot +3

            Very easy to get around with English in Central/Eastern Europe, actually, if you’re in major cities. They get a lot of British and Aussie tourists, and it seems to be the preferred lingua franca in the area after years of people being forced to learn Russian.

          4. bookwormV +1

            I don’t speak Czech, and I was fine there, although I did take a phrasebook and learn a few basics.

    2. Pygmalion24 +5

      I have more ideas than you could possibly want but my ultimate piece of advice is: go to Spain! And see more than just Barcelona. Get a train pass and take the AVE around the Basque country or the South or wherever!

      1. SmrtCookie +2

        Yes! Wherever you get get out of the major tourist hub at least a little bit!

      2. whollyword +10

        Did this– went to San Sebastian / Donostia and stayed in a pension called Isabella B & B (not in a heavily touristed area, but in a residential neighborhood). The pension host was lovely, and we got to hear about the history of the area that we otherwise wouldn’t have.

        A thing I wish I’d known before going to Spain: The Monday after Pentecost (which is a movable feast) is a national holiday, and we found nothing open in Barcelona. This was a pity, as we were traveling light and had one foodstuff with us– a jar of cherries, with a label neither of us could read very well. Super-hungry, at about dinner time, we opened them. They were packed in booze. We ate them anyway, then lost half the next day to wicked hangovers.

        1. dameacademyalumna +5

          This is true of Catholic holidays in Spain in general! It’s always a good idea to check if a trip to Spain falls on any holidays and have some alternate plan for that day that doesn’t require things to be open.

      3. kitten_mittens +1

        You speak the truth, I studied abroad in Spain and absolutely love it there! I’m somewhat torn between wanting to see countries I’ve never been, and returning to a place I loved. Too many amazing places, never enough time!

    3. aeryn_sun +4

      I went to Portugal and Spain last year, and had a great time. I highly recommend Cabo de Gato in Southern Spain, which is full of gorgeous Mediterranean beaches (we also had fun in Nerja and Malaga, but they are much more touristy). I didn’t make it to the beaches in Portugal, but I had a great time in Lisbon and Evora. Plus, both Spain and Portugal are super cheap compared to much of the rest of western Europe.

      1. Pygmalion24 +4

        Yes, def Portugal. I went to Sintra, Lisbon, and Porto and would heartily recommend all of them. Going to Lisbon made me want to move to the country indefinitely.

      2. kitten_mittens +1

        Amazing, thank you! We are hoping to do a beach getaway for part of the trip. I’ll definitely check out Cabo de Gato. I’m familiar with Nerja and Malaga from when I studied in Spain, but Cabo de Gato is new to me!

    4. gclouts +16

      The best advice I can give is to rent a car. Rent a car and get lost. Rent a car and end up in tiny villages where no one speaks English but they have the best croissants that you have ever eaten in your life. Rent a car and blast the radio, phonetically learning the words to that one song that they play every five minutes, and then, years later, have the DJ play that song at your best friend’s wedding and you both still remember the chorus. Rent a car and pull over to just sit there, awe-struck by the beauty of nature. Rent a car and pray for your life while you climb the narrowest switch backs you could ever imagine in order to get to that one vineyard that your mom’s friend told you that you have to visit. Rent a car and see a sign for a Troll Museum, go to the museum, realize that it is basically just a shop, and leave.

    5. gclouts +12

      My second piece of advice is to go to Italy. The people, food, wine, museums, cities, landscape, etc. are all incredible.

      1. Hadrosaur +5

        Venice is so beautiful. I love that it looks completely different at night, and you end up finding random cool buildings and alleyways because it’s so difficult to navigate.

          1. kitten_mittens +5

            Swoon! Venice is one of those places that I can barely believe actually exists, and people actually live there. Like, it’s not just a movie set??

      2. backupandround +6

        Definitely go to Italy. Naples is delightful, especially if you’re into Greek/Roman history, but also generally. And try *all* the food. At least in the south, I’ve found that people are so lovely and willing to explain what things are or make recommendations, and everything is so good that it’s worth stepping outside your comfort zone a bit.

      3. Apfelmoose +2

        If you go to Italy, I recommend Bologna because you will pass through it on the train anyway if you travel through Italy. It is way better than Florence and rivals Venice for that feeling of wandering through a city where the entire city is the work of art. Except that no Italians actually live in Venice, whereas many Italians live in Bologna. It’s a big alternative student town so lots of stuff happens there.

        Ignore this if you are travelling from July to September though. Bologna closes for business then.

      4. Meimeimei +1

        I can’t have spent more than three weeks total in Italy but it barely takes any time at all to fall in love with the place – I can’t pick just one thing about it to say “this is fantastic” – plus, if you can do English and French, then you shouldn’t have much difficulty to at least read some Italian.

    6. geekcrackteam +7

      Depends what vibe you’re looking for, but Berlin is awesome and completely different from southern Europe.

      In the summer the weather is great without being too hot to explore the city on a bike (that you can rent from a million places for about €10 a day), and it’s all flat so even if you’re super unfit like me, you’ll enjoy cycling.

      1. sfbeee +4

        BERLIN BERLIN BERLIN! lived there for a couple months a few years ago, and i am daily nostalgic for it.

        1. Apfelmoose +4

          Yay – I live here and hope to never ever leave. If you visit in the summer and want to daytrip, there are also wonderful lakes nearby.

      2. kitten_mittens +5

        I have heard wonderful things about Berlin. How would you describe the vibe there? My impression is big, bustling city with lots of youthful energy. And a killer arts scene.

        1. geekcrackteam +5

          I think Berlin is very much what you make of it! If you’re into any alternative scenes you will find it in Berlin. The city breaths art, its everywhere and there’s a real attitude of art is for everyone (nobody waits for permisson, they just do it. Theres so much amazingl graffiti)

          It is a really young, ‘hip’ city, but it doesn’t really feel pretentious the way you get in London; and in the summer its full of amazing travellers and artists and every where you turn theres a huge park full of people hanging out (because no one has gardens, I realised eventually!)

          I was only there for a weekend, and I want to go back, and I just wanted a really chill time; so I didn’t do any partying or clubbing (but I’ve heard amazing things), I just rented a bike, got some weed and spent two days exploring in the sunshine, it was brilliant.

      3. dorianneemmerton +5

        I loved Berlin. Four hours after arriving we were at a lesbian kink play party. That’s my kinda town.

    7. Pandora's Homeobox +4

      Brussels! Nice place, nice people, beautiful architecture and you can live on chocolate and waffles (get a cup of hot chocolate at least once, even if the weather is warm. It’s worth it). There are some fun museums there, too.
      Also, I second the Italy recommendation, it’s lovely there.

      1. kitten_mittens +2

        Chocolate + waffles… my kind of diet! Belgium is supposed to be very bike-friendly too, which sounds delightful.

        1. Pandora's Homeobox +1

          I don’t cycle so I don’t know about that but Brussels is definitely pedestrian friendly.

    8. dameacademyalumna +4

      My advice is that it depends on what you want to do, the time of the year, your budget, and how much you get to come back!

      If you’re travelling during the summer, I’d stay away from big tourist spots. Countries that get less tourists or just places in touristy countries that aren’t as well-known are the best. It’s not just annoying to deal with crowds all the time, you’ll also have to book everything in advance, wait around a lot, and everything will be more expensive. If you have the money to spare or if you’re visiting cheaper places, and don’t get many chances to visit Europe, it’s worth it but I’d avoid it otherwise.

      My main piece of advice is to be considerate. I’m sure you know this! I especially recommend learning at least some basics words and phrases in the language(s) of the country you’re visiting, including how to ask if that person speaks English. It’s only polite!

      1. kitten_mittens +2

        You’re so right! There are so many options that you could plan 100 different trips with different budgets/activities and have a great time on all of them. Thank you for confirming my suspicion that summer is likely not the time to try to see the big touristy stuff, and for the reminder that considerate is the name of the game. It is beyond me how so many Americans travel abroad and expect everything to exactly meet their expectations and comfort zone, based on how things work in the US. Experiencing new languages and customs is a big part of the magic of traveling!

    9. kathleenvguds +7

      I know you’re looking for destination advice, but as you’re figuring out what’s feasible for a 2-week trip, I want to say…Don’t be afraid of the night trains! I’ve done a couple (most recently, from Paris to Bayonne, France) and it won’t be the most comfortable night you’ve ever spent but can be a good deal for getting across a big swath of land. I did one from northern Italy to Prague a few years ago, so if Italy and the Czech Republic are both on your list, that might be a good option. Whether you’re travelling in Germany or not, the Deutsche Bahn website has complete schedules for all of western Europe – they might not be able to give you prices for all train journeys but can at least give you an idea of the best route from, say, Paris to Berlin, or Milan to Madrid, and how long you can expect it to take). While low cost airlines (your Ryanair, Easyjet, etc) can be really cheap in terms of base fares, they charge you extra for everything possible (checked luggage, “premium” seats, food and drinks) and their airports may be located far enough from the cities you’re visiting that you’ll spend the whole day going to/from the airport anyway.

      1. kitten_mittens +1

        Logistical advice is always welcome! I don’t know that I would have considered an overnight train, so thank you for that encouragement. And more so than destinations per se, I love hearing about experiences within or between those cities that folks have truly enjoyed!

    10. seriousmoonlite +4

      I recommend Croatia. Dubrovnik is gorgeous and at the top of my list of European destinations to return to.

      1. alder_tree +2

        I had never even thought of Croatia until a couple of friends visited and posted photos. Now it is definitely on the list. I want to spend the whole time walking, eating, swimming, and being very lazy on a beach.

    11. sprinkles6 +10

      My favorite thing from every European adventure has been stairs. Wherever I went, I would find the oldest thing with the most stairs and climb it. Apparently my idea of fun is hundreds of steps, especially if parts of it were spiral staircases. The views are even more beautiful when you feel so accomplished for getting up!

      1. kitten_mittens +4

        Ha! I get that same feeling after a good hike- it’s so rewarding to enjoy a good view that you worked for!

    12. dorianneemmerton +12

      Edinburgh: Don’t wear heels, it’s very steep and full of cobblestones. when people assume you’re American and you’re really Canadian, you can go ahead and say “how about I just assume you’re English?” and then you’ll be friends.
      Brussels: Excellent architecture, excellent beer.
      London: Free museums, great food (even when you’re veg) and a whole new idea of what too many people feels like.
      Paris: meh
      Amsterdam: Tell them you want your joints Canadian style or they’ll put tobacco in them. watch British men make drunken fools of themselves in the red light area. Watch the water fowl in Vondelpark.
      Berlin: Everybody is a queer socialist feminist who makes art of some kind and has actually been a wandering journeyman (or maybe that’s just Kreuzberg.) There is no time when bars close, and you can take your beer to go from a restaurant. Görlitzer Park has amazing crumbling fountains, and is also where you can buy weed. the wall, obviously.

      (Note: this information is all 7-10 years old.)

      1. geekcrackteam +7

        -London: Free museums, great food (even when you’re veg) and a whole new idea of what too many people feels like.

        An amazingly perfect description!

      2. Angelan_ +7

        can confirm with recent update: edinburgh still very steep and full of cobblestones.

    13. jaeferous +5

      We did Copenhagen and Stockholm last year and loved both cities. Fun to bike around in, everyone was super laid back and friendly, and vikings! And the hostels we stayed in were cheap, clean, and quiet. Really great trip.

    14. tiny_bookbot +2

      I found Poland so much more beautiful and fascinating than I expected when I went there. I only made it to Krakow and Warsaw (and Auschwitz) but both cities are fantastic, and I wish I’d had time and money to see more of the country, like the coast of the Black Sea.

    15. Sam +1

      Two highest recommendations: Lille, in the north of France. Lovely, literary, small but urban and with great gardens and art museums and richer pastries than you’ll get in Paris.

      Namur, in Belgium. Ancient citadel built into a gigantic hill that overlooks a wonderful little city; it’s a very worthwhile walk up.

      Switzerland is very expensive, including just train tickets, and I don’t think any of the cities are outstanding, but the countryside is incredible.

    16. aintnothingtoit +3

      Super late to this, and I know people have talked about Italy and Venice up in the thread, but I wanted to add: if you do wind up in Venice, plllllease go on the ferry that takes you around to different islands, and time it so that you’ll be on the water just before the sun sets. It is a surreally beautiful experience. All pink and white and foamy and one of the islands is named Celestia and it just feels like you are in a dream.

      Also, for little towns in Tuscany I cannot recommend Cortona enough. You can get there by train, but then you have to take a taxi up to the town itself (it’s on a hill) OR if it’s beautiful out and your wallets are feeling light, walk! That’s what we did, and it was amazing. Cortona is really small and quaint, and the summit is beautiful (especially if you bring a bottle of wine). It has amazing food and a super cool shop called Galleria Il Pozzo that is built around a well, if memory serves me, and has an awesome medieval feel.

      I also loved the South of France, if I’m being honest I found Barcelona pretty skipable, and my #1 regret from my time abroad is that I didn’t go to Berlin. I’ve heard the best things.

      Wherever you wind up going, it will be wonderful. This is going to be such an epic adventure, and I’m excited for you!

    17. radiantsqui3d +3

      Yes to Prague, All-of-Italy, Southern France! If you drive, getting a car is a good idea, but in most parts of Europe, trains and busses go pretty much everywhere.
      If you do Italy and/or Prague, I’d definitely reccommend going to Austria. Vienna is beautiful, the people are charming, the Kaffeehäuser (“coffee houses”) are legendary, there is art and music and pretty old houses everywhere. Salzburg is a lot tinier and quite tourist-y, but also pretty. There’s a castle up on a cliff and the town is partly built into the rock…
      If you (or any Toastie) stop by in Munich, feel free send me a note. I’m a very enthousiastic tour guide and I love to show off my city. There are more spectacular places to visit on your first Europe trip (definitely go to Italy!), but we do have nice castles and decent beer…

    18. julezyme +1

      Budapest! Gellert Baths! Szechenyi Baths! All the cheap delicious food and wine! (Ignore the government.)

    19. julezyme +1

      London and visit the Southbank for fun and culture that actual Londoners partake in. Also there are many non-West End theatrical experiences (Gingerline, Punchdrunk) and all-night costume parties (Last Tuesday Society, Rumpus). Check out the YPlan app, too. London Fields Brewery. Brixton Village Market. John Soames House. There’s SO MUCH MORE than what’s on the tourist trail.

    20. bookwormV +2

      I went on a holiday to Prague, Vienna and Budapest with friends a few years ago, and it was excellent. Prague is beautiful and (when I was there, anyway) nice and cheap; the food was lovely. Vienna was also great, but expensive. Budapest was great fun – we went to the Széchenyi Medicinal Baths (I think), which felt very luxurious.

      Paris is also nice. Last time I went my boyfriend and I visited some museumsI hadn’t been before, both of which were great – the Museum of the Middle Ages, which has the Lady and the Unicorn tapestries and gives you the opportunity to lift a sword, and the Museum of Eroticism (mind-boggling).

  48. perianwen +19

    What’s up for your weekend? I think, unless something comes up in the meantime, that we’re doing an HP marathon (4 movies tomorrow, 4 on Sunday). Bring out the tissues.

    1. Rachel8489 +6

      My roommate is out of town so I get the apartment all to myself! I have a ticket to see a play at The Public on Sunday, by myself, which should be lovely. I’ll probably treat myself to solo brunch or dinner before or after the show.

      And Spy hits HBOGO tomorrow and I never saw it, so I’m going to watch it!

    2. SmrtCookie +3

      My parents were supposed to visit. They’re 6 hrs away so they were supposed to leave 30 mins ago. They’re not sure if they’re coming now. Great.

      1. perianwen +3

        …
        I hope you get a proper update/decision soon. If they decide not to, can you fritter away your weekend on Fun Stuff for You?

        1. SmrtCookie +1

          lalala, still no update. I will certainly have a weekend of fun stuff for me if they don’t come but dang, this is getting out of control!

    3. socktantrum +3

      I have a final-round interview for my dream job on Monday, so this weekend I plan to study like crazy, but also I’m so nervous even just looking at the materials that know I need to work in some calming stuff too. Tonight, I’m thinking rosé and House of Cards, but will finish up the weekend with lots of yoga.

      1. perianwen +3

        I don’t know what kind of job interview makes it necessary for you to have to study things in advance, but I am sending you all my good, relaxing wishes.

    4. RudyRed +7

      Tomorrow is my designated Do Fucking Nothing day, which I’m looking forward to greatly. I haven’t had a single night in to myself for two weeks straight – every evening I’ve been going out with one of my partners, or going to a party with friends, or going to choir rehearsal. Which sounds like fun but gooood I am burned out and just wanna do my laundry. Tomorrow I will have that opportunity.

      On Sunday I’m running a Legend of the Five Rings game. It’s like Dungeons & Dragons, except instead of being a fantasy medieval Europe it’s fantasy medieval Japan. Tons of fun!

      1. perianwen +4

        Ohhh, I’m so far out of gaming nowadays that I’ve never even heard of that one! I hope it’s great fun!

        1. RudyRed +3

          It’s been around a long time, I think! Like the 90s. But it has never been a very big/popular game – it’s tied to a collectible card game, which is the bigger moneymaker and thus gets more time/attention/advertising dollars. I was introduced to it by my partner in college and we’ve played it ever since.

    5. jwhittz +7

      Finish painting the new apartment! The last of the wallpaper came down yesterday, so Saturday will be about painting that room and the kitchen cabinets.
      This is the final push to get all the painting finished before going back to the landlord to finish up the work he promised.

      1. perianwen +3

        Oh, man. I love painting so much. I probably should have gone into reno work or something as a career.

        1. jwhittz +1

          I’ll be so glad to have it done! The cabs are metal so the paint is this stupid enamel stuff that does. not. come. off without taking a bit of skin with it (this reminds me I need to buy gloves), and it’s a fiddly with the doors and stuff.
          But yeah, rolling paint out onto a wide expanse of wall has a nice zen quality.

    6. bird_internet +7

      I’m going to the aquarium! It’s technically my boyfriend’s birthday present, but I am so excited about it that I want to run laps around the office yelling about all the cool jellyfish I’m going to see tomorrow.

      1. perianwen +4

        Is it wrong that I want you to do the running laps thing? Or to meander about pretending to actually be a jellyfish?

    7. CleverManka +9

      An HP marathon sounds fantastic.

      I see my PCP this afternoon to discuss her recommendations for my taking extended medical leave. Once that’s over, I plan to put on pajamas, wrap myself up in blankets, and spend the rest of my time until Sunday night bedtime absolutely baked.

      1. alder_tree +2

        True story: I kept forgetting that there’s no real reason for me to abstain from weed?? I had stopped smoking weed for ages because of job-hunting, but now, not only do I have a job, but weed is fucking LEGAL here.

        The tricky part is that we can’t do it in the house, and it’s still technically illegal to do it in public. We end up walking around the block with a pipe so it still feels clandestine, especially if someone walks by. (Not that it’s likely anyone in our neighborhood is gonna give a shit.)

        Seriously considering a vaporizer, if we can find one that uses actual weed (not juice or oil or whatever) and doesn’t cost two hundred dollars. But I don’t know much about them.

        I’m just…..like, we’re running out of some stuff a friend gave the boyfriend, and I pointed out that we can literally just walk into a store-front and buy more. That boggles my mind.

    8. Es_Petal +2

      Working tomorrow morning teaching people to ride, collapsing in a heap in the afternoon and evening, horsey nonsense Sunday morning, Mothers’ day lunch, more heap-collapsing in a food coma.

    9. awnutts +10

      While at work, I am downloading podcasts onto my phone in preparation for a GIANT CLEANING WEEKEND. Tonight, I am doing a quick errand run and then all the dishes, all the clothes laundry and generally tidying tonight. Tomorrow, oh, tomorrow! I am doing all the deep cleaning: not just mopping the floors, but scrubbing the floor boards. Dusting all the furniture I own. Cleaning the windows! Followed by, probably, half a bottle of wine when I’m done.

      I know this might sound like hell to some of you, but I have. the. time! I can do it, and I’m going to feel 100% better and like an amazon woman when it is done and then I can take my 3 day trip to NYC (including Hamilton!) next weekend totally guilt-free.

      This is what bliss is, my friends.

      1. CleverManka +1

        I assume that half a bottle of wine when you’re done is from the bottle you opened before you started cleaning?

        1. awnutts +2

          Nope, I’m thinking of picking it up when I get the other supplies I need from my small errand run and reward myself with 2-3 glass and a book/netflix tomorrow when I’m done. If I start drinking while cleaning, I will 100% take a nap.

    10. TheRenleigh +1

      I’m going to go see Zootopia and also watch a bunch of random movies I got from the library. I love movie marathon weekends.

    11. Nashirakins +4

      Going to the St. Louis Zoo to pet the goats and then eating Ethiopian food! I am EXCITE. I love the goats at the kids’ zoo. And goats in general.

      Oh and I’m applying for Western Governors University, and starting to cram for an A+ cert so they’ll admit me. Mmmm shiiiiny relevant-to-current-tech degree program, be still my little code monkey heart.

    12. MilesofMountain +3

      Snowmobiling with the boyfriend and maybe his parents. I’m excited because I feel like I’m finally getting the hang of turning the damn thing. True, about half the time I end up leaning it too far and falling off and rolling the snowmobile on its side and having to get help getting it upright, but I’m going to consider that a minor issue.

  49. hystericaldora +9

    Has anyone ever lived with in-laws/parents that were not there own? Why/what happened/how long were you there? Anything you wished you thought about ahead of time? Anything you were glad that you had already considered?

    1. citystillbreath +7

      Aaaahhhahahaha. Would not repeat. Lived with bf’s mom when we came back from travelling. She would yell for him from her bed every morning when she woke up. She was very generous with us, but just the general experience was not positive for my sense of personal space. Our relationship improved significantly when we got our own place.
      I would advise you to ask about cooking/eating schedules? Are you expected to cook together and eat the same food? My MIL preferred eating a big lunch while I prefer eating a big dinner. We didn’t have friction about it, it was just weird.

    2. emmysuhweeks +3

      We currently are caretakers for my husband’s parents’ house while they’re overseas. (Which means when they come home for month long visits, we cohabitate.) It’s definitely challenging in that it’s hard to feel like any space is your space. I think even in good times, you’re trying to be deferential and polite, and it can definitely get cramped. You can feel like you’re constantly trying not to bother someone, or else are bothering someone by doing what you want. I’ve struggled with it some — just because after a long day of work, I don’t want to come home and worry about if I’m being friendly enough or if my music is too loud or if playing the same song three times in a row is annoying, or if I’m being annoying asking for the TV to be turned down when I go to bed. I just want to RELAX and be at home.

      I guess it really depends on what kind of relationship you have with the not-your-parents before hand…?

    3. CleverManka +8

      I lived with a BF in his grandmother’s basement while we looked for a place after taking new jobs in a different city. My best recommendation is to have a definite timeline and hold yourself to it, no matter what. Even if you think you can’t bring yourself to look at one more place, suck it up and make it to the viewing appointment. Having a guaranteed end in sight is crucial for everyone’s mental well-being.

    4. aintnothingtoit +5

      I lived with my boyfriend and his mother for four months, and then when we moved to NYC we lived with my parents for about six. Great on the wallet, but definitely challenging. We both had a tendency to hide in our rooms when we were home without each other/with each other’s parents. My advice is to not do that! I wish I had just made myself hang out in the living room/common spaces more. Even just the simple act of leaving the door open if I was reading in my room would have minimized how trapped I felt/how awkward emerging was.

  50. sednarea51 +20

    I have a dilemma. Chris Evans and Hayley Atwell are going to be at a con within driving distance of me this June and it is within my means to pay for a photo op with them. But. /But/. I am trying to save money/pay off debt, and I already have a jillion other things and expenses planned for this summer (including, hopefully, starting grad school /literally the day after the con/), and this would be better for me to do some other time probably.
    …but a chance to meet and get a photo with my two favorite actor people, I /wanna do iiiittttt/

    1. Zelenka +5

      Do it. Save money other ways–skimp on things, wear your old clothes, eat cheaply. Spending a little on experiences should be part of your budget as long as you’re not actually destitute, just like a reasonable diet includes the occasional dessert.

    2. GingerHawk +12

      I think you should go for it, especially since it sounds like it is not a huge sacrifice to do so. Who can say how much longer they’ll be touring the con circut? Or that next time they appear you’ll be in such a position to go? Also please go so I can live vicariously through you!

    3. citystillbreath +26

      I’m going to be the agony aunt or whatever the term is here, and say, don’t do it. They’re actors? Like… I feel like you could use that money for much better things and you won’t really get anything out of this. I know some people love the idea of meeting famous people, and I just don’t get it! I’m sorry!
      Better advice would be to say, will you really truly regret missing this opportunity? Then do it (but really, don’t do it!)

      1. sednarea51 +8

        Hey, thanks for minimizing something I love and that brings me joy! I appreciate it!

        1. citystillbreath +21

          I didn’t mean to minimize it, really! If you had asked, should you get a fancy dinner at an Italian restaurant, I would have said just to make something at home, because you could spend the money on something better! You asked for advice 🙁

          1. sednarea51 +5

            I did ask for advice! But I would appreciate it if you did not assume that the things I want and find joy in are not worth money or time. And I am curious as to what you’d define as “something better”. What would get your approval as “something better” to do with my money?

          3. sednarea51 +4

            I agree that’s an important goal, and one I’m working hard and making many sacrifices towards. But should I do nothing at all that requires extra money every for the time it takes to pay it off? That’s a very strict and unhappy way to live, and I don’t think it’s sustainable long-term.
            Let me put it this way, if you had said “Will this be worth paying off your debt?” I would have happily accepted your excellent advice. But telling me how dumb and worthless the thing I want to do is isn’t the best way to start out.

          4. citystillbreath +26

            I never said it was dumb or worthless. Sounds like you have some sensitivity around this issue since you jumped to that conclusion.
            I also am trying to save and I have debts, and it is really hard to figure out a spending balance. I often do feel like society tells me to do nothing fun at all while I’m still carrying debt (no movies, no alcohol, no extras) and you’re right, it’s a very strict and unhappy way to live. My advice was coming from that mindset. I truly didn’t mean to offend you and I hope we can both find a happy medium of doing joyful things while also paying down this damn debt.

          5. awnutts +39

            I mean, you did say, “I am trying to save, but I want to do this thing that costs money. Is this thing worth it?” and someone replied, “Nope, don’t think it’s worth it.”

            Feel free to disagree, but it does feel like a trap to be angry that someone honestly answered with your question. If what you were looking for was affirmation that meeting Hayley Atwell and Chris Evans WOULD BE SO COOL but you’re nervous, perhaps you could have asked for support and courage to make this decision, instead of advice as to whether it is the correct decision.

            Like, are those two my bucket list actors? No. But if they are yours, then I give you all the encouragement to do it because life is short and it’s not like you’ll have to go further in debt.

          6. citystillbreath +36

            Thank you for this. I tried to soften my response by saying she should consider if she would truly regret not going, but I guess she was mostly looking for validation that she should go.

            OP: I checked out your twitter and some of the things you wrote about me were really strong. You don’t even know me and I get a “fuck you”? I’m sorry! Sometimes it’s helpful to get opinions that aren’t your own. I see now that’s not what you were looking for. If it’s really going to make you happy, go ahead and see Chris Evans. I’m buying overpriced ravioli tonight even though I should be saving too, and I could kindof use someone to tell me not to do that. That’s all I was going for in my reply. I didn’t mean to make you feel judged or that what gives you joy isn’t worthwhile. Please, do what makes you happy 🙁

          7. sednarea51 +5

            I’m not sorry for asking you /not/ to dismiss the things I like as not worthwhile out of hand. I wouldn’t do that to you. I will try to take the advice you gave me in the manner you intended.

    4. CleverManka +12

      I have always lived by the motto it’s better to do things you might regret than regret the things you didn’t do, and I’m not dead yet, soooo…..

    5. lemonadefish +11

      Do you have a category for “entertainment” in your budget? Is this going to be more fun than the other things that would be in that category?

    6. dameacademyalumna +7

      Can you go as a day trip (to save up on paying for a place to sleep) and find one or more friends to split the money of driving there?

      If not and if it’s really going to eat into your budget… maybe don’t do it. It sounds like you really care about them so I’m not going to tell you they’re “just” actors, but you describe this as a photo op. How likely you are to get another chance like this eventually? How upset are you going to be years from now? Decide based on this.

      EDIT: To be clear, I don’t mean this as a dismissive comment. I’m just sharing the questions I ask myself when I have to make a decision like this. If you feel so strongly that someone telling you not to go feels dismissive, I think you should go and try to cut costs some other way.

      1. sednarea51 +3

        Thank you for the thoughtful response! I did not find it dismissive at all and you bring up some good points. This would be a day trip only- the only cost would be the ticket, plus gas and parking, which is the only reason I’m considering it in the first place (I couldn’t justify the cost of an overnight stay). I have considered it further, and while I would really enjoy it and could make it fit into my budget, I’ve decided to pass this time- the timing is not ideal, and I am likely to be able to do this again. Instead I am going to make a future con trip part of my long term goals.

    7. notebook-keeper +5

      I’d say if you do it, have a realistic idea of what it will be like. A lot of celebrity meet and greets/photo opps are a lot of money for less than one minute with them — not time for more than a “Hi nice to meet you!” and a single very quick photo. This might not be like that, I don’t know! But it’s a possibility.

    9. alder_tree +1

      I did not pay to see Matt Smith and I am somewhat regretting it. I say go for it.

  51. m98widow +8

    I have been playing Yo Kai Watch on the 3DS and it is delightful and charming, and keeping my mind off existential despair over this election. Although I’m not sure about the Yokai I just picked up called “Cuttincheez” who is just a pair of buttcheeks with eyes. I sort of missed the boat on Pokemon (at least the mainline games, I have played a bit of White 2 but most of my exposure comes from things like Pokemon Picross and Pokemon Rumble), but I am enjoying the more wink-y tone Yo Kai Watch has. Like the main character acknowledging that yes it is totally weird that a spirit who eats bad dreams is pretending to be her in her bed so that she can sneak out at night.

    In other news, I tried the TonyMoly foot peel last night, so I am waiting for delightfully disgusting results on that. And I also got a China Glaze nail polish which I just… can’t seem to use correctly? It dries so fast that I can’t seem to even get my whole nail covered before it gets tacky and starts to drag around and leave gaps. And it’s weirdly matte without top coat? And immediately began to chip the next day.

    1. citystillbreath +2

      Yeah, I bought China Glaze on a groupon deal and I can’t really get into it. It’s really goopy and chips immediately.

    2. ballisticjaguar +1

      So you are liking Yokai? I’ve been thinking about getting it but it keeps getting pushed back by the other games I want (Fire Emblem, Monster Hunter, the new Star Fox game coming out). I do enjoy and have been playing Pokémon since Gold (although I did watch the show and collect the cards when it first came out) so that has been scratching my collectable monsters itch. However Pokémon does get same-ey after awhile so I’d get Yokai if I knew it was worth it.

      1. m98widow +2

        I have been really enjoying it! Not on the same level as like a Mass Effect or something like that, but it just puts me in a good mood to solve people’s problems by scaring off the spirit that’s bothering them (and then, inevitably, befriending the spirit who is really just lonely after all). There’s a demo in the 3DS store if you haven’t tried it already. The full game lets you play as a girl and introduces the different parts of combat one at a time so it’s not as overwhelming as in the demo.

        I like that, unlike Pokemon, all this stuff is weird to the people who inhabit the world. There’s a little more fourth wall breaking and some funny jokes that are aimed at adults even though it is definitely a kids game.

  52. emmysuhweeks +88

    Toasties! I think last week I posted that I was extremely nervous for my 18 week ultrasound, and finding out the gender of our baby. I spent a LOT of time over the weekend really just accepting any outcome and that everything would be lovely and perfect, just as it was.

    And then we went and — IT’S A GIRL!!! Which is what I have dreamed of having since — FOREVER? And I just feel SO AWESOME! Like I said, I was ready and prepared to be a Boy’s Mom, and embrace it — but I’ve just dreamed of getting to have my little girl for so long that I’m just OVER THE MOON, and my husband is OVER THE MOON.

    Also, she is measuring perfect and her heart rate is perfect and everything is perfect and SHE is perfect!!

    And my husband turned 30 this week, so it’s just been a big week all around! We’ll have dinner with friends this weekend and I’m taking him lakeside camping next weekend, and it’s sloooowly becoming spring and things are just happy right now!!

    3. InsertCoolNameHere +7

      So happy for you! I remember that feeling too with our first, of course you want a healthy baby (don’t you hate when people say that, like duh!) but getting what you are dreaming about is such.a.wonderful.feeling. Yay for girls! My daughter turned 12 yesterday, and I have to tell you it is a delight. Best wishes to you!!!!!!

  53. parlato1973 +15

    garden thread! though i realize this might be confined to warm climates, but if you have awesome houseplants to share, share them up.

    it’s planting time in LA! it’s our 2nd year in this house, and we weren’t really ready for the first one, so we planned ahead this year. after the sprawl of pumpkins and squash that got crowded and leaf mildew last season, i built a trellis, so i could give everything space.

    i also started some containers for leafy things, and added a lattice extension to our fence, so maybe we can have lovely vines up there. we also added a reed avocado tree, chosen for size, flavor & season length. i’m super excited about this guy, but it will be a year before the first fruit comes.

    as for seeds, i’m starting with persian & lemon cucumbers, kiro squash & french pumpkin, green & yellow summer squash, moon & stars watermelon and oggen muskmelon.

    here’s some pics at this tweet.

    anyone planting? what are you planting?

    1. RudyRed +7

      It’s not planting time just yet where I am, but my downstairs neighbor and I are planning to start a vegetable garden this year! He’s already built a raised garden bed behind our house, and we’ve discussed what veggies to plant. I’m thinking some carrots, green onions, and beans. But maybe we could go a bit more esoteric, like kohlrabi.

    2. beachlass +7

      Kale and spinach and tomatoes and salad greens and peas and maybe cauliflower and I would really like to grow carrots and beets this year too.

      If we move the falling over fence, I may have to relocate the herb garden AND one of the perennial flowers beds, so… might be a big transplant year.

      1. parlato1973 +1

        those are a lot of my staples too. i didn’t list out my leafy greens, but i planted kale, rainbow chard and romaine.

    3. SmrtCookie +6

      It’s still planning time in the great white north but this is the first year I can do more than a patio garden! My house has a long narrow raised bed next to the deck so there’s built-in trellis capability. I’m thinking peas and climbing beans and squash. Plus 2 or 3 kinds of tomatoes, carrots, radishes, maybe broccolini? I’d love to do salad greens but I’m sure the rabbits would demolish them. I need to figure somewhere to put an asparagus patch. And sunflowers! Because they’re pretty!

      1. truffleuffagus +1

        Yahoo asparagus! I’ve got to pick my spot too. Just ordered a bunch of crowns.

      2. mydonkeyfeet +2

        I’ve heard that fragrant herbs can repel some garden scavengers. Deer haven’t bothered my lettuces when they were planted next to the basil and yarrow. (They did eat my peas and roses, ugh. And I think they ate lettuce in a previous year when it wasn’t near herbs.)

        1. parlato1973 +3

          yes, interplanting is a good strategy. the scent of garlic often throws off typical pests, along with fragrant herbs.

      3. mydonkeyfeet +3

        Also! I heard recently that cucumbers will happily vine themselves up the stems of sunflowers, so you can grow them together! I’ve done that before with peas and wheat, but it also led to double snacks for the deer.

    4. gclouts +7

      Not planting at the moment, but I am living that houseplant life.
      This is my second year with my Bonsai tree. I love it. I am a little too emotionally attached to it.
      Last year I thought that it was dying/had died because overnight it lost a quarter of its leaves and then more leaves dried up and fell off over the course of a couple weeks. Then as if it were a miracle brought about by my sadness and anxiety, new life came.
      It happened again this year, exactly the same, so now I know that is just something my tree does each year. Obviously I will still be anxious about it each time, but it is nice to know that it will most likely come back just fine.
      I wouldn’t have been concerned if it happened in the Fall, like I am used to with trees. Instead, it happens in the Spring! Confused little tree…

    5. kjschapira +6

      All of that sounds so lovely (boy do I hear you on the leaf mildew/trellis situation, that’s a necessity this year). My mom made me a garden journal for my birthday and I’m using it to plan right now. I have a few varieties of peas (don’t have the labels on me) that usually do really well & last summer I had great luck with yellow-eye beans, cranberry beans & Jackson Wonder lima beans (all shell beans), green zebra tomatoes, and lacinato kale. (Still trying to figure out what the broccoli and tomatillos want from their life, giving up on the popcorn.) I want to try kabocha squash this summer because all other squashes are a waste of my time.

      We have a grape trellis off our house (it’s at least 70 years old) and I’ve pruned about 2/3 of it, hoping to do the rest this weekend.

      Also, I saw goya (bitter melon) growing on a trellis in NYC and if they can do it, I bet I can, so I saved some seeds from our last one. I LOVE bitter melon.

    6. Period_eye +5

      I am a very new gardener and live in the Deep South, where seasons make no sense. I grew tomatoes last year and got… ONE tomato. The plants survived the winter and look hale and hearty and have produced flowers already. So fingers crossed? Tips appreciated on tomato growing.
      Also have swiss chard, kale, leeks and raspberries. All appear to be doing well, though I don’t know if I should thin the leeks.
      Not working: beans. Second year in a row. Perhaps wrong seeds?
      I failed at growing zucchini last year, which everyone tells me is impossible. Any other suggestions for a newby? Or any other Southern Gardeners?

      1. SmrtCookie +2

        Tomatoes need SO much water. Also some varieties don’t like hot weather! If you got flowers but no tomatoes it’s probably because of the heat.

        1. Period_eye +2

          Thank you! The problem is it is SO HOT in the summer but also SO WET. So I think the flowers just get clean rained off?

          1. parlato1973 +2

            in LA, if june gloom hits right after tomatoes blossom, it can be too cold for them and the flowers drop. also, i had a side garden that didn’t get a full day of sun, and while i had very healthy plants and plenty of flowers, often only a couple fruit set. it was very frustrating.

      2. Hadrosaur +3

        If you get a super-early variety of tomato, you’re more likely to get lots of tomatoes before blight happens. Also, nasturtiums are pretty good for keeping aphids off (although you then get kind of a gross mass aphid graveyard on the nasturtiums). And marigolds attract bees.

      3. mydonkeyfeet +2

        NC gardener here! South but not deep south. Last summer was a bad summer for my garden, and I heard the same from other people, so maybe it was for you too.

        Are you pinching off the suckers of your tomato plants, the little sprigs that grow between branches?

        I wonder if the beans would work better if you soaked them overnight before planting? I’ve never done beans, so I don’t know.

        soaking beans discussion

          1. mydonkeyfeet +2

            Here you go! Apparently there are pros and cons. I’ve had times when I did and times when I didn’t pinch them off (because I didn’t know about it either until a gardening friend told me). I’ve heard it increases fruit if you pinch them off.

            all about suckers

            Soaking beans for sowing

            (oops edited to fix links)

          2. Hadrosaur +1

            I forgot to do that last year and all my plants fell over from their giant extra branches >_<

            You don’t normally need to pinch out side-shoots on bush types, as they’re such small plants. Just on vine types.

          3. mydonkeyfeet +2

            Huh, I don’t even know what kinds I’ve had. Mine are always falling over though, even the so called compact plants, so I use cages. Maybe that means they’re all the vine kind. The Ultomato cages are great because you can build them piece by piece and adjust as needed.

      4. truffleuffagus +2

        How much sun do you get? Tomatoes need at least 6 hours of sunlight a day to produce fruit. And maybe you don’t have enough pollinators buzzing around – maybe grow some flowers as well to encourage more bees to come over and visit. I always throw crushed up egg shells in the hole when I’m planting tomatoes because the calcium helps them out, and I throw in some kind of nitrogen fertilizer as well (last year I used alfalfa).
        Try new bean seeds – they should grow without much fuss. Know if they’re pole beans or bush beans. Pole beans need something to climb up.
        And funny about the zucchini… they’re usually pretty prolific beasts. What failed about it?

      5. bckcntry +3

        I’ve always been a fan of covering my tomatoes so they don’t get any water on the leaves (something my Grandma taught me). We just use a simple frame made out of 2x4s and put some clear plastic over top. It’s important to have air flow though, to prevent mildew and fungus. That’s why mydonkeyfeet’s suggestion of getting rid of suckers is important. An “indoor gardener” guru once drew me a triangle with “Water” “Nutrients” and “Airflow” on each angle, saying you need to address each of these equally. He was a very good “indoor gardener” (pot, he grew pot).

    7. ponies13 +7

      I’m the world’s biggest lurker but I will happily de-lurk for a PLANT THREAD. I’m in an apartment for (hopefully just one more) season so I have many dreams but no plans for a veggie garden. I do have a houseplant problem other toasties might be able to help with. I got a big fern/palm like plant from my dad that’s been in my childhood house for like over ten years. BUT my dad had it out in the garage for maybe a week before I rescued it, in like 20-30 degree weather. I’m trying to treat it right but I think it’s dying still. Any advice to save the poor plant?

        1. ponies13 +1

          It’s very dry/limp despite (what I judge as) adequate watering and plenty of sun AND some of that sweet sweet houseplant miraclegrow!

          1. mydonkeyfeet +1

            Hmm, I don’t know. My old standby is to cut the plant down to very close to the roots and see if new life comes out, but I don’t know if that works for ferns or palms. Can you figure out which one it is?

      2. parlato1973 +1

        i’m not sure either, but i’m guessing if it’s a fern/palm, it may not be hardy to below 30 degrees. ferns will like lots of water, but probably want a loamy draining soil so they’re not sitting in water. at best you can put it in a sunny window and water lightly & frequently. you might consider repotting, in which case i might go to a nursery with photos. worst case, this guy just couldn’t take the cold.

        1. ponies13 +2

          I think it is a palm, which also leads me to think the cold just kind of beat it. I guess I’m putting the poor plant on hospice 🙁

    8. truffleuffagus +5

      Hooray! Go you! Your yard looks like a lovely little space. An avocado tree is like my dream come true. Someday I hope to have an in-ground greenhouse that I can grow avocado and citrus and all sorts of good stuff year-round in my snowy northern home. All of your varieties sound great; that moon & stars watermelon looks divine! Even in a little greenhouse my watermelons ended up barely bigger than a softball last year. Just not quite a long enough or hot enough growing season. C’est la vie. 🙂

      I’m just about to start the first of my basil and tomatoes. Last year I grew 100 tomato plants. My garden is 100′ x 25′, so I’ve got a hilarious amount of room to grow food. Happy growing!

    9. geekcrackteam +4

      I’m going to try and be more gardeny this year! I have really crappy London clay beds and a weed riddwn patio; but I just ordered a load of wild meadow seed thats a clay specific mix and a bag of bee friendly mix, I just want to cover up all the bare soil (which will hopefully discouraged all the weeds from covering it instead) and it should look pretty!

      And then today I went shopping and ended up buying a load of flower seeds and a couple of cheap bush saplings and Posey’s! Plus I have a herb garden in a bucket idea I want to try! And I have a load of daffodils in pots that I need to do something with.

      I have a lot of plans, hopefully this weekend I’ll get started!

        1. geekcrackteam +1

          I haven’t a clue (I’m alright pasture grasses, but garden stuff is beyond me!), I just googled it and bought it from a website; if you’re in the UK I’ll find their name for you, apparently it’s good value, and they deliver the next day!

          1. mydonkeyfeet +1

            (I know nothing about grasses, except which ones are easier vs harder to weed out of my beds!) I’m not in the UK alas, but I could probably get similar seeds here. I’ve just googled “wildflower seeds for clay soils” and I’m seeing lots of results, so that’s encouraging! I never even thought about searching via soil type (except to avoid lavender and cilantro which both apparently hate my soil.)

          2. geekcrackteam +2

            I’ve learned from pasture management in the past the best thing is to use Mr Google with your area, soil type and drainage; some one far smarter will have done all the sciend and figured out the best seed and fertilizer for your area! When you’re really lucky you they’ll have a specific mix that you can buy (or, if you have enough land, just pay someone who’s local to work your fields/lawn for you like I used to do)

    10. lemonadefish +4

      My strawberries seem to have overwintered delightfully, and I think the blueberry is ok too. I scattered a bunch of flower seeds in the weird spot between my privacy fence and the alley – I hope many of them will germinate and beautify what is frankly a rather sad view (also the first view 99% of people coming to my house see, including me). I used to love growign sungold tomatoes, but I haven’t been able to eat tomatoes for a couple years, so the joy has faded… I’m not sure I’ll get to planting anything more, but berries sure do make me happy! Oh, maybe I’ll try to transplant some raspberries from my dad’s orchard!

      1. parlato1973 +1

        you’re reminding me that i want to get one of those multi-layer strawberry pots and get a little crop going!

    11. elsajeni +5

      I’ve never had any luck growing anything (I mean, technically last year I grew 3 whole sugar snap peas, but… that is not much of a crop), but tomorrow I’m going to a class at a local nursery called “Homegrown Vegetables for Small Spaces” that I hope will help turn that around!

      1. mydonkeyfeet +1

        That sounds so fun! Be sure to tell us all the secrets. I also have trouble with peas. I don’t think I’ve ever brought inside any peas. There are only ever enough to snack on them right there and then in the garden, like 2 pods.

    12. MilesofMountain +3

      It shouldn’t be anywhere near growing time for me, usually the practical last-frost date is May long weekend and the actual last frost date is June 15 (and I am jealous of your gorgeous little warm-weather garden). But it’s been unseasonably warm, the snow has been melting for weeks and I’m really tempted to get the tomatos and ami seedlings going this weekend. Can I? I don’t know! It’s probably a bad idea, I should at least wait until next weekend but I really want to go now!

      Last fall we dug up a massive new bed that is supposed to be perennials eventually, but this year is going to be a combo of perennials and prettier looking vegetables in addition to our two 4’x12′ vegetable beds. You guys, I bought so many seeds, I think I went overboard. I have all of the crazy kinds of lettuce, I have celtus, I’m going to try to grow salsify, and I’m going to put in some haskap bushes, which are cold-weather honeysuckle that is supposed to produce masses of edible berries that look at taste like blueberries on steroids. Other than that, I’m planning for broccoli, kale, pole beans, carrots, herbs, both kinds of currants, raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, and a bunch of pretty flowers.

      1. mydonkeyfeet +2

        Do winter sowing in milk jugs! You can do that even in snow.

        Wow your garden sounds fantastic! You may be jealous of our southern warm weather here, but I’m jealous of your raspberries and currants that need cooler weather. Especially currants, yum.

      2. truffleuffagus +1

        I put in two haskap bushes last year… I hope I get some this year! Yum.

        1. mydonkeyfeet +1

          I had to google hacksap because I didn’t know what they were. Are they a kind of blueberry? Or their very own thing? Maybe they’re a northern thing? (Also can y’all grow gooseberries, or does anyone? I had delicious gooseberries in England, but it’s too hot to grow them down here.)

      3. truffleuffagus +2

        Do your thing. I always like to get a few things going way early… makes me feel productive. 🙂 I’m zone 5b and I’m starting some basil and tomatoes today.

    13. walrathem +3

      I’m running so far behind- I’m going to get my cucamelon going this weekend. And I hope to pick up my redbud because they’re in bloom and I’m kind of picky about flower color.

      I am not good at waiting for spring so I bought a Pittosporum tobira a couple weeks back to be my newest houseplant- I’m hoping for fragrant flowers! It seems the cats aren’t interested in eating it which is good because I don’t have a lot of spots they can’t get to. And this is the second year both of my phalenopsis orchids have flower spikes- fingers crossed they make it to bloom in the next 10 weeks.

      Jealous of your lovely collection of melons and such- I have no sun in places where I could grow such things and it makes me sad.

    14. mydonkeyfeet +4

      I finally finished winter sowing all my seeds! (And it’s already early spring here, but oh well.)

        1. mydonkeyfeet +2

          It’s fun and easy! The jugs or containers act like a little cloche or miniature cold frame to give seeds a head start while the weather is still cold, even in snow. So as soon as the ground warms up enough, boom, you’re ready to transplant (instead of everyone else who is just starting to sow.) And it also lets you get gardening a little bit in winter if you’re impatient for spring.

          Here’s a good explanation.
          Winter Sowing Guide

          1. mydonkeyfeet +4

            And for a few that I thought might be tricky to transplant (because of crowding, or fragile roots, or whatever) I subdivided with halves of toilet paper rolls. I did that last year with my very first nasturtiums, because I’d read that their roots are fragile to transplant, but I also did some without, and they were fine both ways.

            (I leveled it up with more soil after planting the seeds.)

    15. mydonkeyfeet +2

      Also, Heather, your garden sounds and looks lovely! Yum, melons. Is a muskmelon like a honeydew?

      PS everyone in the USA, Burpee is giving away a free packet of flower seeds for pollinators with every online order! And there are lots and lots and lots of seeds.

      Free pollinator seed packet

      1. parlato1973 +2

        thanks! yes, muskmelon is most commonly honeydew and cantaloupe, but there are a bunch of varieties with orange, green or white flesh, and different flavors. i tried ogen melons at our farmer’s market and really loved it. it’s a cool stripey orange & green outside and green flesh like honeydew, but a much more fragrant flavor, almost kinda floral? so, i saved the seeds and last year they came up, but some critter ate the leaves one sad night when it was still a baby. i’m going to try again, and if these don’t come up, i also saw seeds for sale.

    16. bckcntry +3

      We kind of got ambitious a couple days ago and decided we’re going to build a sort of pergola from our front steps to the gate (about 15 ft?) and plant climbing roses on both sides. The idea being you’ll have to walk down a tunnel of roses to get to our house (in the summer, a tunnel of bare rose vines in winter, I guess.)

  54. bighairnoheart +63

    Dogs.

    Cloe was not allowed to assist as I made casserole.Weep for Cloe for she is mistreated and malnourished.At least her cat still loves her.

    1. Zelenka +14

      It’s kind of your cat to share the dog bed. My small cat takes over the dog bed and won’t let the dog have even a corner. The dog has to squeeze into a cat bed which is absurd, as he is a long, tall, leggy sort of dog.
      I bet your Cloe would be an excellent sous-chef if you’d only give her a chance.

      1. bighairnoheart +5

        Oh, he takes over it too. But sometimes he just wants to cuddle with his fake mom, not remove her from her territory entirely.

        1. Apfelmoose +13

          I am astounded by her ability to do Mournful Eyes in apparently any situation. Does she do them when she is chasing balls too?

          1. bighairnoheart +13

            Mournful eyes 24/7. They only stop if there’s a full dog dish or prey in the area.

      1. mkmorrow +5

        Happy dogs!!!! (We had no snow this winter, which is fine with me but sad for my dog.)

  55. braak

    Oh man no, but he really likes eating books, which I think is potentially a good sign.  Also lately he has been a monster at night, waking up at midnight and then just complaining for three hours before he finally goes back to sleep.  My wife can do this thing where after she wakes up she just lies down and goes right back to sleep, but I cannot!  It takes me forty minutes to fall asleep!  I have been disintegrating this past week.  Ooof.

  56. thebastardtitle

    My weirdest superpower is that I always correctly guess the sex of my friends and families babies (so far anyway). We'll see if my luck holds when my nephew or niece pops out in a few weeks…I'm betting nephew.

  57. cosetthetable +17

    I have a job interview next week, for a thing I really want and is a slight reach, and I am mostly okay at preparing, but I just keep being not sure if I should wear eyeliner. It’s a client facing position, I’m thinking the answer is yes. (my eyes are sarah-michelle gellar esque, and she wears eyelliner….)

    uggggggggghhhhhh patriarchy

      1. cosetthetable +2

        No. But mostly because i’m not yet great at it, so it takes a while, and I have a bad habit of touching my eyes, which I’m trying to train myself away from.

        1. annecara +20

          Then I wouldn’t, if I were you – at an interview there’s enough to stress over without also worrying if your eyeliner is smeared. 🙂

    2. cheekypinky +5

      Yay, job interview!!! You are going to be amazing!
      Re: eyeliner–Does it make you feel more confident? If so, apply away! If not, don’t worry about it. 🙂

  58. Bothari +17

    I would like to thank whichever Toastie it was who mentioned the Heathers musical recently in a Roundup or Open Thread. I had no idea such a thing existed, and now I am obsessed. It is playing in an endless loop in my car, and I’m making a copy to send to my brother. Bliss!

      1. Bothari +1

        If you like the movie, you should definitely check it out. Unless you’re one of the evil Heathers, and then there’s probably no hope for you.

  59. Spewingllamas +23

    Complaint Thread? Has anyone else had just a spectacular, Murphy’s Law kind of week? Trump is winning, my son has the actual influenza (as opposed to the fake one, right?) and the pharmacy is out of Tamiflu, and to top it off, my debit card got hacked. It has been A Week.

    1. socktantrum +6

      This was a week of fighting with insurance companies and my employer about insurance that was never activated, and also a pregnancy scare because apparently I’ve finally hit that point in having a Mirena where you get no periods, which is unsettling on the first go-round and led to a tense week and a frantic home pregnancy test. I also need to bring my car in for not-insignificant repairs. There are exciting things on the horizon, but this week was pretty solidly ugh.

    2. jlper +2

      YEP. Posted about it in finance thread but after three financial setbacks I’m pretty sure I’m due some good luck soon

    4. mkmorrow +7

      I already whined about this in the finances thread, but: The IRS kept my tax refund to apply to back taxes. The back taxes are caused by the last year my ex and I filed jointly. They are his problem and responsibility, and he has a payment plan set up, but the fucking IRS took my money anyway.

      I want my $612.

    5. mrtafadhali +4

      yuppppppppp

      But I also DID something really shitty, in addition to having really shitty things happen to me, so it all feels like terrible karma?

    6. floridagal1 +7

      On our drive to the new state, I went to sleep for 20 minutes during which Mr. Chemicaldefect got us so lost it added 2 HOURS to the trip, and we don’t get internet at the new house until MONDAY, and my idiotic body chose NOW to get my first post-miscarriage period, because I needed that three days before starting a new job? FML. Plus we don’t have any furniture or a bed of any sort right now, and are sleeping on the floor with camping mattresses and sleeping bags. At least there are still about 600 pages of unread fan fic on my ereader or I would not survive.

    7. diaryofamadeditor +5

      I did a lot of emotional labor this morning. My in laws are being…difficult in a difficult situation. I did a lot of work to support them in their time of crisis, went to hand over the torch for them to take over, and…they’re just not interested in picking it up because, in essence, it would be an inconvenience. Like, never mind the fact that I or Mr. Editor or total stranger doctors I contacted went above and beyond to help, none of them are going to do the work and are being pissy and entitled about it. Mr. Editor is very Upset, about this, about finances, about work stuff. And it’s work that he does for me, and I reciprocate back. But I am exhausted. I want my bed & to watch netflix alone & eat a tub of full fat cottage cheese. Oh, and Trump made reference to his penis, so add that to my list of reasons to die.

    8. depizan +5

      In a continuation of my body hates me and is totally an asshole, I got yet another major chronic health diagnosis this week. Started a medication for it, was up half the night with intestinal distress due to new medication and that set off a migraine today. I’m in my second to last semester of grad school, and I’ve done better than I thought I would so far–except for this semester, where grades took an unexpected plunge. Super frustrating since I feel like I’m still doing good work. A few weeks ago I finally told my whole family by email I was both asexual and leaving the church we were born and raised in. Family handled it surprisingly well and I got really encouraging responses from all but one sister, who hasn’t even acknowledged it, so I’m pretty hurt by that.

      1. cheekypinky +2

        …Do you feel comfortable talking to your professors about your health problems? They may be willing to give you do-overs on tests or extensions due to your medical issues.

        I’m so sorry, depizan–I hope your body chills the fuck out soon. 🙁

    9. LaxMom +4

      My car needed transmission work, I missed my son’s first post-antidepressant checkup, I almost missed a school concert, I’ve needed to call in big-brother-taxi backup to pick up the 12 year old twice this week (big brother lives at dad’s, not my house, and is college-aged). Ex is walking all over me now that he knows I’m at school 45 min away and can’t stop him. My dad had a friend die from heart disease and is having a heart procedure this tuesday, and I’m the in-town sibling. I’m still working on scheduling the lacrosse games that should have been finalized two months ago, but aren’t, and I have 3 lit reviews due in the next 2 weeks.
      Yep. A. Week. And some guy got ahold of my cell phone number from the coaches’ list and is calling and trying to sell me organizational software and game video services. My entire team is 13 people, I do not have money to even pay for tournaments! We will be 4k in the hole this season! The last time he tried to call while I was trying to get out the door, and had the nerve to ask “Don’t you at least have just ten minutes…” I’m surprised the entire geography dept. didn’t hear me go off on him.

  60. whollyword +67

    Breakup saga continues:

    Backstory: Ex decided nine years into our relationship that he was poly. I tried for 2.5 years to be okay, wasn’t, we broke up. I needed to move out because, as broke as I was, I couldn’t deal with living with someone I was trying to get over.

    Good news of the week:

    I have a place to move into! I will be couch-surfing no longer! I am moving my possessions– those that will fit anyway– and my self this weekend. The new place is a religiously oriented co-op and the rent is quite reasonable. The housemates, who invited me to dinner last month, are people I genuinely like and want to spend time with. We’ll have regular weekly house meetings, which makes my heart sing– I am no longer interested in living in a place where talking about how things are going is reserved for when things have gone badly awry.

    Also, THEY CHOSE ME. Out of all the applicants, they chose me, and they elected to take on more of the rent because they knew my income was low. These people are making me feel as if not everyone in the world thinks that I am horrible or impossible to live with. I can’t really describe how much I needed that. <3

    The only downside is that the place is reverting to being a vicarage in August, so I’ll be looking for another place soon. But I’ll have six months to try cooperative living, which I’ve found appealing for quite some time (but which Ex wasn’t interested in).

    2. Hadrosaur +9

      Congratulations! 🙂 Hope your new place is nice, and that the coop works out for you.

      I live in a housing coop at the moment, though not a very communal one. Not having to deal with difficult landlords has been good.

    3. leslieellenjones +16

      Hopefully, if the coop works out, you can find a new place in August with the people you’ve been living with?

      2. Ethylbenzene +8

        That was my thought. Plus I bet having a group of people will increase buying power if they go that route?

  61. Eris +5

    Hello, toasts. I have a question. For the sake of your scrollbars, I’ll thread it. (Bear with me, this is gonna be long and I’m on my phone.)

    1. Eris +8

      So, Wednesday evening I had sex with a person. I was crazy excited and had been heart-poundingly anticipating it for like a month, flirting via text, taking a bunch of initiative to make this happen, etc. They were super sweet and clearly loved my body and loved making me feel good, but the second we Started touching, it was just…confusing.

      I’ve sort of always known I have sensitive skin. I can’t wear certain fabrics and I tend to hate clingy clothing, and I’ve never been much of a cuddler. But every point of contact, however gentle, was too much. Too hot, to sharp, too firm, to slippery. Kissing felt gross, just because of how close we were. I had fun, but it was seriously dampened by how smothering it felt.

      Then at 2 in the morning I woke up feeling like I had a fever (I didn’t actually have one.) Now my whole body is sore and achy and hot, and I’m realizing this happens every time I do something like this- not just sex, this also happened when I got a back massage. This is just the first time I’ve been woken up by it.

      This was never going to be anything but casual sex, so I’m not worried about ruining any relationships. In fact, I’m not really upset about the prospect of never having sex again at all. I’m attracted to this person- or at least I was until we started touching. (This isn’t the first time *that* has happened, either.)

      So my question is, does this sound like about symptom of something I should be worried about? (Deep down my biggest fear isn’t that I won’t be able to be physically intimate in the future, but that I’ll appear broken/immature for not wanting to do so in the first place.)

      1. allanaaa +12

        I would maybe talk to a therapist just to ascertain whether anyone thinks this is psychosomatic.

        Being cool with being never touched again is great, but you shouldn’t have to go through your life managing something uncomfortable if it can be “fixed” another way. Touch is, unfortunately for many of us, a part of everyday life.

        There are also lots of readings on the internet if you are questioning whether your sexuality doesn’t have a physical component! Don’t quote me, because I’m not an expert, but maybe start here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gray_asexuality

        You can totally own it if you don’t want to be physically intimate with people ever again. The pain and discomfort, though, I would characterize as a separate issue and give it some attention.

      2. Ethylbenzene +11

        Maybe someone with fibromyalgia could weigh in? This sounds similar to some of the symptoms I’ve heard my friends describing.

      3. Immunogirl +5

        Hmmm… Do you have a doctor that you know and trust? Or have friends who have one?

        If you don’t want to ever have sex again, obviously that is totally okay and your choice. But if you want to have sex/touching, and this is stopping you, I would say to talk to someone about it.

      4. AliceIsHopeless +12

        My friend has severe allergies and eczema, to the point of being allergic to other people’s skin. I don’t know your medical history but the sensitivity, hotness and achiness sounded similar to her reactions – she manages it with antihistamines and forcing her lovers to shower before anything – and I know she’s super specific about fabrics and any kind of physical contact. Maybe get an allergy test? It can’t hurt?

      5. awnutts +7

        I definitely think speaking to your doctor in addition to a psychiatrist would be a good idea. (Do you have a gynecologist? I don’t even know if you a woman or AFAB, but that might be the right person to go to.) It could be nothing, a strange one-time experience. It could be psychological, or a physical symptom of something. But my biggest piece of advice is not to be scared to say out loud to your doctor: something happened during sex. These are the different ways I was touched, and how my body responded. These are the parts of my body that seemed to react the most. I have had similar experiences in the past. Could this be physical?

        If your doctor thinks this might be psychosomatic, ask for a referral to a psychiatrist or therapist with a background in sex therapy. Referring you to the best professional is part of your doctor’s job.

        If, through your own self-discovery, you come out to yourself as asexual, then that’s cool. You are not broken or immature, you are just a person who expresses their asexuality in the way that is best for you.

      6. mydonkeyfeet +5

        Could you be a Highly Sensitive Person? I’m not sure if that’s an accepted thing in medical fields, but it’s definitely a thing. I’m a HSP, but a mild one. Apparently having a Highly Sensitive Body can be an aspect too.

        Not that it actually helps you, but it could be a sort of explanation. Sorry you feel/felt bad.

        (Also, if someone thinks you’re broken/immature for not wanting to be physically intimate when you explain, then their opinion is irrelevant because they’re meanies.)

        Highly Sensitive Body
        Highly Sensitive Person Test

        1. Eris +6

          I’ve never even heard of this, but wow does it apply. Thank you so much for the links, this is really helpful.

          1. mydonkeyfeet +3

            Oh good, I’m glad they’re helpful. It helps me sometimes just being able to identify the problem, even if I can’t make it stop or go away.

            I’ve had a similar thing with hating backrubs and disliking some touching. (I also don’t like having my hair played with, and getting it washed at the salon is not a treat for me.) But your reaction sounds much more distressing!

            I have had good professional massages, but I tell them to go light on me. Occasionally the next day I’ll feel the sort of achiness that accompanies a fever, and Icy Hot type of muscle rub helps. I haven’t had actual hot feverish feelings though, just some soreness.

  62. iosognodisonno +11

    I didn’t watch Season 3 of House of Cards, mostly cause I feel kind of “meh” about most of the characters. But I love Claire. The episode in Season 2 where she turns the tables on the interviewer who tries to nail her with a question about her abortion was THE BEST and I was like “I am so here for this show” and then the rest of the season was a disappointment in comparison.

    Which leads to my question, is season 3 good enough re: Claire’s character that I should give the show another go?

    1. PaigePoo +7

      Claire is the only reason I finished Season 3! By the end, I really felt that the show was more about Claire than about Francis or anyone else. Best, best best.

    2. geekcrackteam +3

      Claire carries season 3. Her power plays on the men around her are amazing!

      1. iosognodisonno +3

        Thank you for input, I will now add it to my list of shows to watch (which is soooo long at the moment what with there being like 5 current shows I’m following on Hulu, and most recent seasons of Justified, The Americans, The Returned, and Mad Men all popping up on my streaming sites recently. Not a bad problem to have.)

  63. catmanscrothers +4

    Yoooo, any Denver toasties out there? My sister and I are going to be moving there, so any and all advice would be awesome!

    As far as apartment hunting, we’ve been told to look at Washington Park, Capitol Hill, LoDo, RiNo, Cheesman Park, and City Park. I think it would be cool to live near the Coor’s Field, but maybe that would actually be awful? We really just want somewhere where we can walk to most everything.

    1. thebellewitch +2

      Congrats and welcome! It sounds like you have good advice on the cool and walkable neighborhoods. I know a couple people who live in condos in LoDo near Coor’s Field and they’re happy there. It’s hard for me to say if it’d be awful, because it’s so not my personality at all to want to live right downtown, but I think it’s pretty nice, really.

      Watch out in RiNo, ’cause there’s still some stinky industry there, including a company that cooks pig ears for dog treats. Ask around about smells before you rent.

    2. raisedeyebrow +2

      Capitol Hill is probably my favorite neighborhood because it has the MOST AMAZING restaurants. Holy crap. Sushi Den (super expensive but soooo good) and Kaos Pizza (the best pizza I’ve ever eaten and also somehow cheap???). My husband and I eloped at the pavilion in Cheesman Park and went to Kaos for our post-elopement dinner, and the staff gave us a bottle of champagne FOR FREE. We left a 100% tip.

      We didn’t live in Cap Hill though, we lived in Aurora because it’s cheaper. But if I moved back to the Denver area I would definitely try for Cap Hill! I’ve also heard good things about Wash Park, LoDo, and Cheesman Park. Not sure about the other two.

      1. catmanscrothers

        mmmmm, glad to have these restaurant recs, even if we end up elsewhere. Thanks!

  64. Hey_Cinderella +7

    Book Question! Has anyone here read All the Light We Cannot See? My book club is reading it and it looks so long and depressing and I can do one or the other, but both makes it just that much more difficult to open the book. I’m going to read it no matter what, but if anyone can tell me how wonderful it is to give me a good nudge in the direction of not ignoring it in favor of reading some cheesy sci fi instead. (I mean, I’ll still read the sci fi, but not until I’m done with this book.)

    1. Pygmalion24 +8

      I LOVE THAT BOOK! Seriously, it was one of the top five books I’ve ever read. Every OT when someone asks for book suggestions that’s my pick. It is definitely sad at points but it’s heartbreakingly beautiful and worth it.

    2. aravisthequeen +9

      I fucking LOVED that book. It was like reading a beautiful puzzle. Plus gems. It is depressing, but it was strangely uplifting (to me) and just a beautiful book that I adored SO much.

    3. deleted2997279 +7

      Thirding – it’s long and sad at times but it’s so good and uplifting and beautiful. It took me a little bit to get into the structure of the book and I reallyyy do not have the patience for stuff like that, but it was so worth sticking it out.

    4. thisaustinlife +6

      I also really loved this book- it was my first “pleasure” read post-grad school and although it’s long, the intertwining narratives and vignette-chapter styles really make it easy to read. I think I read it in two days. Lush imagery and painterly writing- and I’m not that into WWII reads, but I loved this one. Go forth and enjoy!

    5. ayelltee +5

      Definitely wonderful. The writing is lyrical, most of the chapters are short, and although it’s sad in places, it doesn’t leave you feeling gloom and doom at the end.

    6. octopoda +5

      I liked it a lot, it definitely has sad parts but also it is kind of whimsical?

    7. chiaroscuromom +2

      I can’t get excited about this book, although clearly plenty of people are. When I get this way, I find listening to the audiobook as I commute or do housework is more palatable for me than physically reading the book.

      1. awnutts +2

        That is really good advice. I will try to remember that for when I want to read a book, but it’s just not clicking for me.

    8. PacificMidwest +1

      read it (because my Grandma told me to and we do what she says..) I couldn’t get into in for about the first 150 pages, and then after that just could NOT put it down. So, don’t give up if it doesn’t work for you right away.

    9. awnutts +4

      I thought it was sad, but not depressing. Mostly, I thought it built tension really well, because it’s not linear. So I was really obsessed with trying to figure out how and when everything would line up and will I see this character later or get their backstory?

      But, yeah, there are definitely sad parts. It’s just not a long drawn out meditation of the hopelessness and alienation of the human experience or something like that, so I didn’t feel like, “God, what is the point of getting out of bed?!” for three straight days while reading it.

  65. aeryn_sun +41

    Earlier this week someone stole about $1000 from my checking account – apparently they had a card skimmer at an ATM near my apartment, and a bunch of other people have had the same thing happen. It looks like it’s going to be okay in terms of the money because my bank is crediting me, but the interactions with police have been so upsetting and, frankly, humiliating, that I regret even reporting the crime. It’s been a harsh reminder about why people don’t report things to the police.

    1. Hadrosaur +16

      Sorry to hear that happened to you. That sounds so stressful! The police can be such arseholes :/ Glad the bank is crediting you though.

    3. lbolesta +14

      That’s balls. I am now imagining revenge scenarios in which the bastards are caught, and Sam Waterston says to you “We wouldn’t be able to prosecute these lowlifes except that you filed a report.” DUN-DUN

    4. Spewingllamas +3

      I’m so sorry! I feel you, on a petty cash level. I don’t know where the breach happened, so I can’t go to the police, just the bank.

  66. SmrtCookie +8

    This is weird, but does anyone have tips for dealing with terrible nightmares? I’ve always had them, they come and they go, so I’m used to them but they’re exhausting!

    1. PierrePoutine +1

      Have you tried listening to some kind of calming music right when you wake up from a nightmare? I find that it allows me to drift out of that headspace fairly quickly.

    2. hystericaldora +3

      Hello, I woke up three hours early this morning because I had a nightmare and could not go back to sleep. I have some anxiety surrounding sleeping enough/restfully*, so I try to be mindful that a spate of nightmares or bad sleeps does not mean I am doomed forever and will never sleep again. It is just a thing that is happening. My basic strategies are the typical listen to Harry Potter on audiotape kind of thing. Sometimes exercise helps, as does keeping an obnoxiously regular bedtime/wake time. If I wake up and can’t go back to sleep, I try to do something with that time, so at least I am a sleep-deprived person who cleaned her bathroom/did yoga/jogged that morning, rather than a sleep-deprived person who is just miserable.
      *it is both a trigger and a symptom of my depressive episodes, because life is cruel.

      If it gets really bad and I just can’t deal with it anymore, I sometimes take like .25g -1 g of this stuff before bed. It guarantees that my sleep is restful and nightmare-free. It’s pretty popular in Russia, I think – I heard about it from someone who spent time there. It can cause dependency, so never more than twice a week, and I’ll go months without using it in between episodes.If you’re open to that, it’s best to take it 2-3 hrs before bed, on as empty a stomach as you can manage.

    3. InsertCoolNameHere +1

      Hi there. Sorry to be heavy, but I used to be plagued with terrible night terrors/nightmares. For me, they were a consequence of trauma I had not dealt with from childhood. Not sure what your circumstances are, but mine stopped after I worked with a therapist. It was a slog and horrible at times but they have not happened again. I hope you find a good solution, it is not fun to be woken up like that.

    4. Bryn (Plus Others) +5

      I have NO IDEA if this is true, but our daughter has been having a lot of anxiety issues (including nightmares) and I just read a tip which is to immediately distract yourself, instead of just trying to go right back to sleep — start reading or doing something else calming — because the more time you spend going over the nightmare in your own head, the more the chemical stuff (adrenaline, whatever else) ramps up.

      1. SmrtCookie +3

        Interesting! I usually value sleep so much I try to poke holes in the nightmare and then get back to sleep asap. I definitely want to try losing a little bit of quantity to see if I can up my quality.

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

          Let us know how it goes! The site I got it from said they knew it was counter-intuitive and that most parents want to ask their kids to tell them about the nightmare and reassure them about it, but it really works better to soothe (hugs, cuddles, whatever) and then distract (water, bathroom trip, storytelling) and get them back to sleep.

    5. diaryofamadeditor +7

      I actually wrote my thesis on dreams in culture, so my sleep science is not expert but I’ve read more than than average layman. Something that really works for me was getting good at lucid dreaming. REM is really close to consciousness, so it’s possible to lift yourself gently out of REM without the severity of going from REM to awake in a panic. From there, it’s possible to make the night terror work in your favor. Like when it gets too scary or stressful, you can make something silly happen in the dream which relaxes you & is less startling than actually waking up from fear, & then you can go back down into a deeper sleep cycle gently. I don’t mean this to sound too Freudian or Jungian, but there’s some interesting research about how dreams are a way for our brains to project virtual realities based on past experiences to work out possibilities for the future, even if it defies logic. So if you’re having night terrors during particularly stressful times, it could be your brain trying to figure out a stressful situation. I hope you rest well tonight!

      1. SmrtCookie +5

        Oh man, my sleep got so much better when I figured out I could tell my sleep-self I was dreaming and I needed to wake up. I’m not at the point where I can make things happen in my dreams yet but it maybe someday!

      2. mydonkeyfeet +3

        Wow, that must have been such a fun thesis! Can you tell us more about what you wrote on, in general?

    6. lemonack +15

      I have PTSD nightmares a lot and my trick for it is to sit up, drink some water, stretch a little bit, and then flip my pillow over. Flipping the pillow has kind of become my signal to myself that I’m hitting the reset button, we are starting a New Game of sleep instead of Loading From Save File.

    7. Mrs_Peel +2

      I believe some medications can cause nightmares, so medication adjustments (if you take any) might be a possibility to look into?

    8. hummingrose +2

      A number of years ago I started having this issue, and I started writing down and attempting to sketch (I have only a bare minimum of artistic ability; these were not good sketches) the stories and images when I woke up. It turned the nightmares into this weird game – what interesting thing am I going to dream about next? – and they stopped being nearly as stressful.

  67. AliceIsHopeless +26

    I’m going to be in a crypt doing exhibition install all weekend! Please send me your toastie art vibes. It’s been crazy with uni and everything lately, and I’m not sure how reliable my colleagues are.

    1. mydonkeyfeet +2

      Cool! What kind of things are you installing? (I’m sending you art conservator vibes! But not vibration vibes, those are bad.) Is it a crypt under a church?

      1. AliceIsHopeless +1

        It’s an open call exhibition through uni, we ended up with mostly works on paper and some paintings but there are a few installations I am really looking forward to! Yes, it’s an actual crypt. I think all the bones are gone but it’s full of weird little tomb rooms and I still don’t like being down there alone…

  68. annecara +25

    Thanks to everyone who offered up medical advice the other day! I went home and told my husband, “Hey, so I was thinking about it, and the sinuses and the chest/abdomen aren’t actually connected at all, so it seems really weird that this would be happening. I really think you should tell your doctor.” And he agreed! Now I just need to ask every day if he’s called the doctor yet (he has not).

    1. Es_Petal +6

      I was thinking about this later on but then couldn’t find the thread – could it be shingles? That comes up along the nerve lines on your abdomen and you often get it when you’re immunechallenged from already being ill.

        1. bread_and_roses +4

          They aren’t always. I had a mild case and it was uncomfortable, but not the burning pain I’ve read about.

      2. LaxMom +1

        I had the same thought. This is what shingles were like for me–face and abdomen. The ones on the face didn’t hurt as much, but the ones on the abdomen felt like my skin was burning off even wearing light clothing. It’s VERY dangerous to be near your face, apparently you can go blind (mine got to w/in an inch of one eye, even with 2 rounds of antivirals). Another sign of shingles is that they are mostly one-side of the body oriented. Unless you are special like me and get both sides activated.

  69. sprinkles6 +48

    How do people feel about outfit-based compliments from lady strangers? I know that I am generally flattered by them and feel safe receiving them, unlike body-related comments from dude strangers which fill me with fear and rage. I’d like to consider if there are contexts where/reasons why other people wouldn’t be. People have such awesome style and I’d love to let people know their dresses/shoes/hats are fantastic, but only if I wouldn’t be making them feel unsafe/unsettled (and I certainly have no problems only complimenting people who I actually know). Also, does the interpretation change if I am a straight lady in a traditionally gay neighborhood?

    1. Rachel8489 +33

      I do it as often as I remember to and think it’s pretty much always okay, but I won’t, like, force someone into taking out their earbuds to hear my compliment.

    2. PaigePoo +52

      For me, it depends on how the compliment/comment is delivered. “Oh wow, I love that dress” or “what an awesome scarf” is perfect. Not perfect is “Wow look at your outfit! Do you have a hot date tonight?*”

      *Actual comment that the woman I supervise gave me today. Yes I’m wearing a dress (which is not unusual). Please don’t speculate on my dating life or WHY i might choose to wear a dress.

      Anyways I have some issues because the above interaction just happened. In general, I love when people compliment my outfits because I’m very self-conscious and often have low outfit esteem!

    3. allanaaa +15

      I always feel like “That’s a great outfit!” is not enough, like I usually tack on something like “Where did you get [article]?” so it’s kinda more pointed. Which is maybe a habit I should stop doing, and just let compliments be compliments.

      1. alder_tree +3

        Speaking as someone who occasionally dresses unusually: I sometimes can’t remember where I bought something or it would take too long to explain or would be useless info–like, do they really want to know that I bought it on a facebook group for secondhand sales of Japanese Lolita fashion? I mean, if people really do want to know and I’m not in a hurry I’m happy to tell them, but if you just want to compliment, just tell me you like the thing.

    4. Zelenka +26

      As a woman, outfit or accessory based compliments from other women (gay or straight) make me happy. I have never received an uncomfortable don’t-look-at-me reaction when I compliment someone else, although generally I only speak to women about my age and not to teens. Everyone’s different, though, so there are surely some who wouldn’t like it.

      1. girlinterupte +6

        Right! As a teen I was reading this thread in confusion because outfit compliments coming from non-close friends usually means the person hates you in my world.

          1. walrathem +2

            I’ve always assumed that sort of stuff started pretty much as soon as we started wearing clothes.

        2. mydonkeyfeet +4

          What! Well thanks, teen ambassador, for letting me know. I must remember not to compliment teens on their clothes. (Unless a compliment from an Old is ok because you know they’re weirdos anyway?)

          So if a classmate said “Ooh pretty scarf” or “I love those shoes” you’d assume they were being sarcastic?

          (Also the original question was about strangers, so the person probably wouldn’t hate you.)

      2. ToastiewithCheese +11

        Yeah, I would say that it’s probably safer for straight men to abstain. I mean, I know that when my partner says “nice dress” to me, it’s usually not the dress he’s actually complimenting.

    5. Es_Petal +36

      I think my personal line is outfit/accessories/hairdo (all things I have chosen) which are fine, vs body (something I was born with), which is not.

    6. RudyRed +18

      I like them! I give them sometimes too, but I share your concern about bothering people (despite personally enjoying them) so I don’t do it often. I find that complimenting a specific item or accessory is the best way to go. E.g. last night a gal said, “I love your scarf!” and I got to say, “Thanks! I made it!” Or then the person can say, “Thanks! I got it from XYZ!”

    7. ingeborggeht +22

      I always feel the impulse to start out with “I know that your appearance is not the most interesting or important thing about you, but your [X] is amazing!”, but if I said that the person would be 25 yards away by the time I got to the compliment, so.

    8. emmysuhweeks +8

      I usually think this is an awesome thing! I love hearing it on my end and I like lighting up someone else’s day with a compliment.

      I usually do it when we have already established some sort of polite chitchat for some normal reason — to the teller when checking out, after saying excuse me when passing someone, or if you’re sitting in waiting room together for a while. Just places where basic and noncommittal conversation is normal and a compliment is a nice and shining addition!

    9. whollyword +33

      Complimenting a particular item, especially one not highlighting a part of the body often considered erogenous = fine for me. Hearing someone say “Those socks are awesome!” is always going to make me feel pretty good.

      1. ToastiewithCheese +16

        I actually complimented a dude on his socks recently! He seemed chuffed.

    10. diaryofamadeditor +23

      I do it all the time, and like it when I receive them. I think it’s best to channel your inner 80 year old lady, and just say, “That dress is very becoming!” or even “You have a lovely sense of style!” When I think of all the times a stranger has complimented my style, it makes me happy. So it’s a pay it forward thing? Indeed, I would venture to say it’s just plain polite.

      On the body compliment thing: A while ago, I had a conversation with a group of lady friends about a now-former colleague of mine, who I think has a really beautiful figure–not in a Victoria’s secret model way, but in an hourglass, lovely shape that it’s glorified all over the place. As a straight woman to straight woman, I wondered if there was any way I could compliment her without being a creep. It was more of a fashion-proportion-shape compliment than a sexy-body-naked compliment. I genuinely did not mean it in a creepy way. One friend thought I could do so in an old lady in the restroom/open fitting room way (I don’t know if this is true elsewhere, but all the old New Yorker ladies I know compliment other women like this left and right). But I erred on not saying anything, because like, if it went south she worked in my office. But I think it’s a bummer, because if someone admired my figure with the intention I had, I would be very flattered & would use that compliment when I’m feeling insecure.

      1. Mrs_Peel +24

        “channel your inner 80 year old lady”

        Unfortunately, my inner 80 year old lady just wants to tell people off for their bad manners (and their ill-mannered children). Especially on the bus.

        Man, I can’t *wait* to get old…

      2. lbolesta +12

        I have told someone “that shirt is really flattering, it looks like it was made just for you” and had good results. I think focusing on how something fits can be non-creepy. I said this to a very full-figured woman, and the shirt really DID look like it was tailored exactly for her body shape, and she was very happy I had said so. I think it’s good to highlight those moments for everyone and I wish I had someone who could play Fashion Show with me and tell me what looks best on my body.

        1. Mrs_Peel +7

          I am a full-figured gal, and was very pleased when one of my co-workers once said “All your clothes fit you so well!” It’s not easy to find form-fitting things that are flattering on me, so I appreciated it a lot!

          1. lbolesta +7

            Please come shopping with me and slap the shapeless sack dresses out of my hand.

            It’s so easy to buy lumpy clothes and so hard to find (or have the stamina to find) things that fit well–that effort should get recognized!

          2. Mrs_Peel +1

            I learned it all from watching “What Not to Wear”! (No, seriously– I was completely useless, fashion-wise, before that).

        2. mydonkeyfeet +11

          On the other hand, I had a strange man comment on one of my Flickr photos where I was wearing a sundress, “That dress looks like it was made for your body.” Eww. Changed that picture to private and blocked him right away. But I’ve never felt creeped out that way by a woman. (Also a woman wouldn’t have said “your body.”)

      3. mydonkeyfeet +4

        Heehee, I told my best friend that she had the breasts of a Renaissance madonna. (She was fully clothed, just shaped so nicely.) But she and I know each other verrry well. I bet you could have said “You have a lovely figure!” without sounding creepy.

      4. alder_tree +1

        It’s so weird, because there are situations where it would be 100% Not Okay, but I’ve also been in situations where it’s been 100% Very Okay, Thank You, I Love my Tits Too!

        Now that I think about it the latter situation usually involves intoxication and either nudity or bathing suits in situations where I feel very safe–the hot tub the last night of a fan convention where it was 98% women, parties at a friends’ house where I knew everyone, etc.

    11. sarahgundle +13

      I like them! I mean, preferably they pertain to something I *chose* (a colour, a skirt, an incredible pair of shoes), but I enjoy a nice, “Hey, that scarf is awesome!” every now and then.

    12. catcet +26

      The way I see it, complimenting someone on their clothing isn’t commenting on their appearance so much as it’s acknowledging and encouraging their sense of taste and the way that they wish to present themselves to the world. They made a choice to wear that necklace/hat/blouse etc. and I think it’s nice to let them know their choice paid off, especially if it took them out of their comfort zone or they’re trying something new.

      Also, I just feel all warm and fuzzy when I get outfit-related compliments because they’re usually about my favorite clothes and it’s nice to know that other people like them too.

      1. lbolesta +10

        I use “has someone complimented you on this” as a criterion for weeding my closet. It’s great feedback!

    13. lrljhnsn +21

      outfit-based compliments start to get annoying when it’s a constant from the same person.

      like, i wear a lot of really bright colors, and the same people comment on it, every time. i’m running out of things to say back.

      1. mydonkeyfeet +2

        But those aren’t strangers, or are they? (I had a coworker who would always comment on my clothes, and while compliments were nice, I always felt a bit self-conscious because she was very into fashion and I was not, and I knew she was paying close attention to my clothes every day.)

    14. bower_bird +42

      Something happens to me when I’m walking down the street where I completely forget how to interact with other humans properly, so I always appreciate the compliments that don’t require a response, like a nice lady saying “those boots, girl!” while she’s walking past.

    15. CaptainNancy +22

      I also love giving outfit-compliments out to strangers. I’m at a bus stop and a woman has a great coat? I wait until she’s not busy, walk up, tell her her coat is amazing, and walk away again. I’ve only had good or slightly stunned with a smile (which I get, it’s not easy to react quickly when you’re not expecting it) reactions. The key for me is to compliment a piece of clothing/shoes/accessories I genuinely like, deliver the compliment and walk away.

    16. dameacademyalumna +8

      I think outfits are one of the more neutral things to compliment because it’s something that people chose! I’ve been told that body-related comments can feel unpleasant even in contexts of women-complimenting-women because sometimes that feature you think looks great is something that your acquaintance has issues with. Some people don’t deal well with compliments in general, too. I only feel annoyed when it feels like fake politeness.

      Also, does the interpretation change if I am a straight lady in a traditionally gay neighborhood?

      In my experience, straight women usually don’t mind receiving compliments from men they know are gay (because the sexual creepiness isn’t there). Personally, I’ve been around enough gay men who felt entitled to say really rude and judgemental things about other women’s bodies and looks in front of me, that it doesn’t feel safer by default just based on this one factor.

      Sorry, I just noticed I misread your question. You’re asking about giving compliments to gay guys? Gay men are only human so the guys around you might appreciate nice compliments or feel awkward about them. If your comment is coming from a place of treating gay men like “cute” girlfriends, you should reconsider it. Otherwise, just handle it like you handle complimenting strangers and semi-strangers as a whole.

      I usually don’t compliment anyone regardless of gender or sexual orientation if we’re just strangers on the street. I know literally nothing about them and don’t want to make them uncomfortable.

    17. tiny_bookbot +17

      I am usually fine with it, especially if, as others have said, it doesn’t veer into leering body commentary. Even straight dudes can sometimes manage this: once a contractor said to me very politely, “That is a beautiful skirt, my wife would love it.” A+ complimenting, dude, please educate your peers.

  70. alicia +77

    I watched one cat take over the prized sunning spot from the other cat in my house and took some notes that I thought may be useful in future armrest battles:

    Phase One: Accomodation
    1. Take measure of the available space, and find a spot near to your goal where you might be able to perch.
    2. Wait for him to begin to doze off or otherwise become inattentive.
    3. Very, very carefully and gradually lower yourself inch by inch into the perching space. Avoid touching him if possible at this stage, at most graze him slightly.
    Phase Two: Integration
    1. As you settle into your perch he will rouse and become aware of you due to the increased proximity. This is normal. Do not be alarmed or give any indication that you recognize that your presence is unwelcome.
    2. Gaze back at him benignly. Stay very still on your tiny perch, and allow him to become accustomed to you there. Wait for him to begin dozing off again under this new arrangement.
    Phase Three: Domination
    1. Gently ease your body around so that your face is pointing away from him. This serves two goals: it protects your eyes from his claws and your sympathies from his disappointments.
    2. Begin shifting uncomfortably in your seat, jostling him each time. Do this continuously until he leaves in a huff.
    3. Settle yourself into the now-vacated prime location. You are very comfortable now, aren’t you?
    4. Preen with delight.

    1. m98widow +17

      My cats have a different version, which only works in one direction. If the Siamese is somewhere my orange boy wants to be, he will start licking her. And then the licking gets more and more aggressive and sometimes he will do it the opposite way her fur runs until she gets fed up and tries to bite him. Then he bops her with one of his giant paws and she stomps off, leaving him to occupy her previous spot.

      1. alicia +5

        Yes, this happens sometimes too with mine! I’m still working out all the various things that licking means to the boy cat (approval, submission, dominance, a fake out).

      2. Es_Petal +5

        Mine both do this to each other when they want the Prized Spot! They also do it when they are having togetherness cuddles though, so I think it has multiple meanings.

    2. Es_Petal +10

      I have a hilarious series of photos of my cats doing this with their amazon box.

    3. Katiezog +27

      One of my pugs will just go and sit on the other one. Dogs are simple creatures.

      1. RoseCamelia +12

        Exactly. Your pugs are adorable.

        Just this week both of my dogs decided they wanted to sit next to me, stretched out against my leg. But not simultaneously. The bigger one (20 pounds) was in position. The smaller dog (12 pounds) jumped up onto my lap, then gradually backed onto the first dog. Second one ended up in an identical position to the first, but on top of him, perfectly aligned, head resting on head, elbows above elbows, etc. Their spines are exactly the same length, I realized.

        Neither dog moved. Both seemed content. I had a Dog Stack against my thigh until I needed to get up a few minutes later.

    5. leslieellenjones +15

      And then there’s the I Want To Sit On That Spot So If Someone Else Is In It I Will Just Sit On Them, Too system.

  71. madgeylou +6

    Hey there Toasties. Does anyone live in Boulder, Colorado, and want to be my friend?

    1. sfbeee +2

      ALAS i was living in boulder and in desperate need of friends last year! timing, yo.

      1. madgeylou +4

        Aww! I love it here but it’s full of super athletic wealthy hippies and that’s cool but aren’t there also some weirdos who like to drink and talk about Hamilton?

        There must be. I will find them.

        1. tinypaperme +1

          I have a brainy friend there who likes beer and fish fry! She’s also super athletic but neither wealthy nor a hippie. I don’t know if she’s a Toastie but she’d fit right in if she were. If you want I can put you in touch!

          1. madgeylou +1

            You are so nice! Thank you! I would love to get in touch with your friend! My email is madgeylou at gmail if that’s the best way. <3

  72. Katiezog +52

    OK Fellow Toasties, I need to talk about this with someone and I can’t tell real life folks yet. MY BOYFRIEND AND I ARE MOVING TO DENMARK IN 1 YEAR (technically 13 months)(I have lived in the US my entire life). We have set the date and we are going. We have been talking about it forever and we are officially agreed to do this. I am slightly terrified/excited about it all! He has lived in other countries and is a foreigner here in the US so he is not as excited as I am. I’m in my 30’s and if I don’t do something crazy like this now I never will. IT’S SUCH AN ADVENTURE!!!! Any advice/support would be welcome!

    1. eastcoastanne +18

      You (very likely) will get culture shock when you go, where you hit a point that you feel shitty and upset by everything. It seems silly, but there are so many subtle things about how things function in the US that will be just a liiittle bit different and it can be a wear mentally. But then it will get better!

      Sounds awesome. You’re awesome!! Have fun.

    2. Pygmalion24 +8

      AHH SO EXCITING! When I went to Copenhagen I never ever wanted to leave. Denmark is indeed the happiest place on earth. Wish someone would just hand me a visa so I could move there!

    3. _bartleby +11

      Duuuude, how exciting! Denmark is amazing. Definitely read lots of expat forums and blogs. Culture shock is real, homesickness is real, varying perceptions of Americans around the world are real. But the experience is going to be incredible. Expat Thanksgivings are the greatest. Ahhh how fun!

    4. sarahgundle +10

      DENMARK IS AWESOME! I lived in Copenhagen a few years ago and it rocked. Congrats!!!

      ETA: Also, on thing I totally didn’t realise would happen is I ate MUCH fresher food – partly because it was available and partly because I couldn’t read the baking directions on anything. So it was all fresh veggies and meats because I actually had no idea how to do anything else.

      ETA again: Do your best not to compare prices to the US. Don’t convert prices to USD. You will have heart attacks and it won’t be pleasant. Just accept it for what it is and compare prices to each other and not to things Stateside. It’s a lot easier to cope with how expensive everything is.

      1. Katiezog +3

        OK, the food thing is what I am most excited about. I am excited to eat less packaged food and stroll markets and whip things up in the kitchen.

    5. rhymeswitheight +8

      My friend moved to Denmark and she loves it for the most part. She said it’s kind of hard to make friends because people are a little more reserved and also have had the same friends since they started grade school basically, so it’s difficult to break in. BUT she does have lots of pals and she met a ton of other international folks through work/other people/just living life.

    6. ToastiewithCheese +9

      Remember that there are three phases to moving abroad (which your boyfriend probably can tell you more about, since he’s done this before):
      1. Everything is so awesome here!
      2. Man, this place isn’t so great after all. I might hate it here. Why did I ever think this was a good idea?
      3. A balanced outlook.

  74. angrypedestrian +20

    I got a reply e-mail from the editor of One Week One Band, and this summer I am going to get to spend a week writing about my favorite band, Murder By Death. I am really, really stoked, and have not been this stoked about something in a good long while.

    1. bower_bird +5

      MURDER BY DEATH IS SUCH A GOOD BAND.

      Why isn’t everyone listening to *Who Will Survive, and What Will Be Left of Them?* all day every day?

    2. meowmischen +4

      Congratulations! My favorite t-shirt was acquired at a Murder By Death concert, and then I lost it. I still don’t know how a person loses a t-shirt.

    1. RabbitIsland +16

      I am adopting a mom and kitten cat tomorrow morning! And hope to add my own cat pics to the mix next week 🙂

      P.S. D’awwww cute cats

    2. Es_Petal +25

      I cannot see them!

      Yes, I have the heater on to dry the laundry…

      Why yes. the heater is on to dry the laundry...

      And Saffron has stolen my yeti again.

      MY yeti.

      2. jwhittz +12

        Oh (not my) Saffron, that looks like a very comfy place to sit and contemplate murder indeed.

        1. Es_Petal +16

          She always looks like she is about to burn the world down but in reality she is the sweetest, chirpiest, purriest cuddle monster in the world. I aspire to her level of resting bitch face.

          1. jwhittz +4

            My Saffron is the same that way– super cuddly, often looks like murder! I always say she gets her RBF from me, though. This week’s photo does not feature it, however.

          2. Thujaplicata +4

            Asa also has a fairly epic RBF, but then she actually is contemplating burning the world down sometimes…

        1. catmanscrothers +3

          SO tempted. The only reason I didn’t was bc I didn’t want her tracking water around the apartment. I moved like I was going to, though, and that got her out of there quick enough!

      2. mydonkeyfeet +12

        Oh he’s so handsome! He looks like a cross between my best kittyboys.

        Also, it’s <_img src=_link_> without the underscores. I think. Let me test it out.

          1. catmanscrothers

            haha yeah, she’s confusing bc she was named for her personality when we couldn’t hold onto her long enough to determine her sex

    5. badcowpuns +51

      I adopted a cat recently and he is so, so funny. He’s not much of a cuddler but he HATES to be alone, so he follows me from room to room and occupies bizarre places just to hang out with me while i’m doing things. Favourites: the lip of the tub; the kitchen sink; under the sofa, from which only his little pink nose peeks out. A small sampler:

      4. jwhittz +7

        He is the best!
        Saffron acted similarly when we first brought her home from the rescue org. I would not be surprised if two years down the road you have a lapcat, too.

      5. lbolesta +5

        When I first got my cat he ALWAYS wanted to be on your lap, no matter what. Including when I was in the bathroom, the door of which would not latch. #awkward

    6. nopemobile +35

      I recently moved into a new apartment and my cat looooooooooooves the tub here. He will take any opportunity to roll around in it and purr like a motorboat.

      He also enjoys drinking from the sink.

      1. badcowpuns +8

        I’m so glad I’m not the only one whose cat sits in tubs and sinks. I have never had a cat do this before and I think it’s so hilarious and weird.

        1. nopemobile +4

          The most hilarious! The very weirdest! I ask him what is wrong with him on a regular basis; luckily he is a cat and does not understand human language.

        2. spring chickens +1

          haha! Many cats really prefer being near running water because it is fresher, though – it’s an instinct some of them have.

    7. Meenalives +4

      Nina went to the VET today for a runny eye. She was very unhappy and un-cooperative, but thankfully, unlike last time, she did not try to bite the tech. Turns out she has conjunctivitis, so I’m going to be giving her eye drops for a few weeks. Lucky me.

      1. bighairnoheart +2

        Gomez had that a few weeks ago. His eye was so swollen that it was shut entirely, but the day after the vet it was almost gone. Gross but thankfully temporary.

        1. Meenalives +2

          Surprisingly, it was a lot easier than giving her pills. The hardest part was getting her eye open. She didn’t even try to scratch me, just to run away.

  76. bleucrayon +14

    Claire’s wardrobe is life.

    I would willing trade my first and second born (should I have one) for it.

    1. Ivans_Sister +7

      It is. And I’m certain it is expensive enough to require a few children’s lives.

  77. RabbitIsland +15

    Steven Universe thread?

    I have been plowing through this show at Hulu, and shit is getting REAL.

    It started off pretty cutesy and light but now there’s a huge war happening?

    And [spoiler???] Garnet is a fusion?!

    I am pretty into it. Anyone else watch? Does it stay this good? Tell me all about it. No one else I know watches!

    1. kjschapira +11

      It GETS EVEN BETTER
      It gets less monster-of-the-week, more affirming, more modeling of good friend and family behavior, more lovely in every way. If you already like it you will NOT be disappointed.

    2. amanita +9

      Um we are watching it in my house and just watched the fusion episode. My dude cries like… every other episode at this point, I think? It’s so good! Garnet’s song! So I don’t know if it STAYS this good but it is so goddamn good now we made a pact not to watch it without one another.

      Also: Little Butler.

      1. TheRenleigh +5

        I’ve watched every episode so far and I am here to confirm it stays just as good, if not better.

      2. RabbitIsland +7

        Yes!

        I also watched that episode last night.
        I had put on the show going “Alright some soothing entertainment before bed” …4 episodes later my nose is plastered to the laptop screen haha

        Loooved Garnet’s song.
        Also a big Lapis fan

        1. alder_tree +2

          We just wanted to relax a little! Smoke some weed and watch an easy cartoon. One week, forty episodes, and some crying later, and I’m debating $30-something dollars for a cell-phone case with Amethyst’s star on it and trying to pick out wig colors.

    3. octopoda +6

      Oh man, it is such a good show. We binged all the episodes in a row. It just keeps building and getting more depth, so good! And I love the background art.

    4. catcet +8

      I LOVE IT

      It’s so funny and emotionally complex and an inherently kind, optimistic show in a cultural landscape where the standard is that good storytelling has to be grim and dour. I love the characters and the world building and the times when it lets itself slow down and linger on quiet moments.

    5. nopemobile +5

      Ahhhhhhhhh Steven Universe, I love it so much! A couple of queer friends got me hooked on it for the Big Happy Poly Family and the entire show promptly charmed me to bits. Definitely rec sticking with it, it only gets more interesting and rich as it goes along.

    6. surferemoji +5

      I have every steven universe feeling in my body. I don’t even want to talk about what happens just, OH MAN THOSE FEELINGS RIGHT?

    7. anthemyst +5

      It’s so so so so good it just gets better and better and better (and then you catch up on all the episodes and then the hiatus murders your soul)

        1. anthemyst +2

          The true terror only comes after you have re-watched every episode 5+ times and caught all the things there are to catch (Connie’s glow bracelet is in the freezer in the pilot!) and read all the internet theories on everything and rewatched again and there STILL AREN’T ANY NEW EPISODES

          1. alder_tree +1

            Tumblrs/blogs to follow???? I’m not having much luck on tumblr because the SU fandom there skews so young. (Which is fine! but I feel weird following people who are half my age or less.)

          2. anthemyst +2

            Mmmm I’m not sure I actually follow a ton of good general SU tumblrs, I mostly just look through the “su theories” tag periodically. And then there’s a ton of AU blogs I follow that mostly don’t update either :(.

            Oh oh but textsbetweengems is fantastic, as is keepbeachcityweird (I think this might be run by someone who actually works for the show?).

          3. anthemyst +1

            WAIT BUT SPOILER ALERT don’t look at blogs until you’ve seen all the episodes

          4. alder_tree +1

            AAAUGH. Yeah, this is part of my problem. Any time I look up anything I end up being hit in the face with spoilers. LA LA LA I didn’t see that.

            Yet another reason to finish watching it, though. (We finished the first season Sunday night. Cue more crying.)

    9. alder_tree +2

      I JUST STARTED WATCHING STEVEN UNIVERSE like a week ago?? We’re only up to episode 39 I think.

      I love this show SO FUCKING MUCH. I cannot believe I waited this long to watch it.

      At the end of Monster Buddies (the one where that green monster with the eyeball in his mouth who drools a lot dies) I made my boyfriend pause it because I was crying too hard. Same with the one where we see Rose Quartz the first time–though then we were both sniffly.

      This show is so happy and loving and then BAM you’re crying, in a good way, somehow. Everything about it just blows me away–the color schemes! the music! the animation! And the stories are all so wonderful and Good.

      Also: I’m in love with Amethyst??? Like, enough that I went on tumblr and asked if it was okay if I cosplayed her even though I’m thin (answer from my curvy fandom friends: yes, that’s fine), and now I’m researching wigs and body paint.

      I have no idea if this comment makes sense. I’m a little flail-y.

  78. tiny_bookbot +20

    Grad school Toasties, how is life? I suddenly might need to actually graduate this summer (for good reasons!) so I have six weeks to finish my dissertation. I am feeling a high level of anxiety right now. My dog is feeling a high level of “My human has gotten so boring.”

    1. OncoMouse +4

      I was in a similar situation when I finished my PhD. I had six weeks to get my dissertation to my committee. It’s tough, but you can do it!

      1. tiny_bookbot +2

        I’m hoping so. Right now just rounding up my committee is proving to be a beast! Getting academics together for something really is an exercise in cat-herding.

    2. socktantrum +8

      I am gently and secretly easing my way out of academia while finishing my diss, and I have a final interview with a full-time job on Monday. So there’s maybe a 25% chance that I will find myself in the position of finishing my Ph.D. while working full time, which is equal parts exciting and terrifying.

      As for finishing your dissertation in six weeks — you can do it! It will be shitty but the shittiness will be confined to a short-ish period of time! And then you’ll be done! Also your dog thinks you’re a brilliant perfect genius.

      1. tiny_bookbot +2

        Good luck! Crush that interview!

        It is so going to be shitty. My friends are wonderful, though, so if I survive it’s going to be thanks to them. My dog is unimpressed with me right now, but as long as I keep feeding her and letting her cuddle with me at night I think she’ll get over it.

    3. ellehmariat +5

      I am having the same anxiety. Six weeks! In some ways that can seem like such a long time but also such a short time. Some of us dissertating Toasties started a Slack group to talk about weekly goals and support each other. If you would like to be added email me at my toast username at gmail dot com!

    4. badcowpuns +4

      I’m trying to finish the first draft of my MA thesis in March while also working one full-time job and one part time job, and heading an administrative committee for a local volunteer organization helping nonstatus folks get access to national services without paying. I’m sure it’ll be fine. IT’S FINE. It’ll be fine. (Solidarity. You can do this, and so can I. 🙂

    5. rhymeswitheight +6

      I found out this week that I got into grad school, at one of my top 2 pick programs. Wooo!!! Now to figure out money…

      GOOD LUCK with dissertation finishing! You can do it!

    6. mmsees +4

      Ugh. I’m in the middle of a science phd and it’s so much of a slog right now. 100% in the nothing will ever work, why am I sciencing, why do I make such poor life choices slump.

      1. Immunogirl +2

        Things will work eventually! Don’t be afraid to switch projects.

        My mentor recently asked me if I wanted to go back to the first project that I started and I very politely talked her out of it but my head was going “nooooo I am not doing the thing in which nothing ever worked ever no thank you”

      2. tiny_bookbot +2

        Oh man, I am in a humanities program but have enough science friends that my heart goes out to you.

    7. theskyrbeast +2

      Oh man, I needed this thread. I’m in the middle of writing a dissertation chapter, and the pieces are coming together, and I get to also write about a part of the world that basically got me into history when I was but a wee undergrad, so while anxiety about finishing my chapter before my next deadline is occasionally waking me up in the middle of the night, I am still going strong and feeling excited. (The anxiety is also about taxes, an unwritten collaborative workshop paper, and an international research trip, all coming in April.)

      The downside? upside? complicated twist! is that my beloved in coming into town for a week starting in, oh about an hour, and right now all I want to do is write and think all the time, with short breaks for sanity-preserving exercise and the occasional Hamilton mini-dance party. And he’s thoughtful and understanding and supportive. . .aaaaaand I’m worried I have no idea how to articulate my “Hi, I love you, I need to go back to doing this now” needs.

      1. tiny_bookbot +3

        Oh man, so much to stress about. Good luck with it all!

        Re: visiting beloved, I had a good friend visit in the month I fondly referred to as Helltober, and I explained before she came that I had an unbelievable amount of work to get done so she could cuddle with my dog and go on walks and read to her heart’s content and at least once every day we would do a fun local thing. Fortunately she wanted a chill vacation and didn’t need me to entertain her 24/7, but I know setting up expectations in advance helped a lot.

    8. Bethany +2

      You can do it! Do remind yourself that it only has to be good enough to pass. This is not your magnum opus, this is the FIRST thing you are doing at this level.

      1. tiny_bookbot +3

        Right? The head of our university press informed us that our mantra should be “The best dissertation is a SIGNED dissertation.” I edited my third chapter this week before sending it off and there were a bunch of “Say more here!” notes to myself that I just deleted before sending it off. Eff it! this is what you get!

    9. radiantsqui3d +3

      I’m travelling to another continent for a conference in two weeks and my paper is not written. It’s only 5 pages, and I’m still really nervous. It’s not only my first real conference, but also the first time I leave Europe, and I’m scared and excited. This is huge.
      It also means I need to finally start writing…

    10. cheekypinky +2

      Still feeling all wheel-spinny over here, but trying to channel your excellent advice to focus on the long game.

      Sending you best wishes for inspiration, good editing, and a nice dissertation committee–you can do this!!!

      ps (Vitamin B12 is a *godsend* for concentration)

      1. tiny_bookbot +2

        Is it? OMG, I know what I’m stopping at the pharmacy for tomorrow morning.

        And re: the pps: if you really like 20th century Brit Lit, sure! (I mean once I’ve made all my committee’s revisions and submitted it to the grad school.) Tell me about your topic, too, what are you working on?

        1. cheekypinky +2

          Are you kidding?!? I love that area! (Daphne du Maurier, Woolf, and Wodehouse for LYFEEE)

          My thesis is going to center on the Gothic as a specifically female-drive genre, with a whole lotta Emily Dickinson. I think. I hope. That’s the plan? I’ll start writing my thesis in June, and ideally finish by December 2016, but I’m willing to go an extra semester if it means a better end product.

    11. cheekypinky +2

      pps (…May I read your dissertation when you’re done? I mean, if that’s not weird? I just really, really enjoy seeing what fellow humanitas students are up to and thinking about…)

  79. deleted2997279 +19

    Friends! Here is your last chance to sign up for our Toastie pen pal situation, Toast Post! If you’re interested in receiving mail from Toasties near and far (or just near), please fill out this form with your info and I’ll email you matches in a few weeks! If you have questions about Toastie Post you can find me @ToastiePost or ToastiePost at gmail!

    1. bellmaison +8

      I signed up a few weeks ago and I’m SO looking forward to getting matches to write to! 🙂

      1. parlato1973 +4

        takes me back to when i was a kid and we only had mail & phones. i’m into it!

    2. kaylaelisabethblog +3

      I’m so excited for this. I’ve bought postcards already in preparation. 🙂 Ya’ll are so delightful. I’m excited to have more of you in my life

    6. sigaloenta +2

      I just made a snap decision after several weeks of intermittent agonizing and signed up!

  80. PaigePoo +20

    This week has been Anxiety Hell, and I’ve been trying SO HARD to do my mindfulness/breathing exercises that help me get through every day. Today my goal is to do Just One Thing (but..I haven’t decided what that One Thing will be yet. Oops).

    What is the One Thing you need to accomplish today in order for it to be a success? TELL ME YOUR TALES OF ACCOMPLISHMENT!

    2. whollyword +9

      Move sheets to new place of residence. If I’m going to the effort of taking sheets over, I will take other things, too. But once the sheets are there, I can be, too.

    3. CleverManka +14

      My One Thing for today is convincing my doctor to recommend me for extended medical leave. It’ll only determine whether I can continue working at my long-time job or not (I’ve been here since 2001 and despite occasional griping I really like it). So yeah, just a little conversation that will possibly determine the employment for the rest of my life. No pressure.

      1. kjschapira +8

        Sending you equanimity and fortitude, sending your doctor and your employer the clarity and good judgment to do the right thing for you without kicking up a stink about it or gatekeeping in weird ways.

    4. VioletandIrises +7

      Mine will be getting off the subway 1 or 2 stops early (depending on my motivation) and getting a little exercise in since I haven’t been able to push myself to do more formal workouts lately (I signed up for a tennis league that starts soon so hopefully Spring will facilitate more activity). This has been my Just One Thing on most days recently.

    5. Ethylbenzene +4

      Help my dad with All The Laundry. (Mom just had a hip replacement, and she’s the only person I know who can fold a fitted sheet. Send help.)

      1. kjschapira +10

        So I’m gonna be real here for a second:

        If you are helping your dad with All The Laundry, and your mom has just had a hip replacement, do you know what you’re going to do?

        You’re going to fold the rest of the laundry, and you’re going to wad those fitted fuckers up the best you can and shove ’em in the closet (or wherever you keep such things).

        You’re being a good daughter and doing the right thing by being there and helping out. Life is too short to try to fold fitted sheets, or to sacrifice whatever small animals your mom had to put in the middle of a pentacle to gain that power. (Not actually saying your mom is a witch in any evil sense, I don’t know her, but the ability to fold a fitted sheet suggests some kind of contract with eldritch powers.)

        1. Ethylbenzene +7

          She’s not un-witchy by any means 😀

          I told her we kinda folded them and she’s like “eh as long as the sheets are clean that’s what matters,” so we are in good shape. Dad has been stepping up like a mofo, which on the one hand it takes your wife being immobile to learn to cook and do laundry, but on the other is it’s still pretty impressive for someone of his personality type and generation and he really seems to be enjoying cooking so ::shrug::

          1. kjschapira +4

            It sounds like everyone is working to make things actively better rather than actively worse, which is so great! Good luck to all of you in the days ahead. Maybe the cooking and laundering skills will stick even when she’s up and about?

          2. Ethylbenzene +5

            I think the cooking will at least but mom is a little bit uhhhhh “particular” about how she likes things done and I know it’s making her nuts to not be able to Do Thigs The Right Way. I say this with all the love and affection possible as someone who has had yelling fights about the Right Way to load the dishwasher 😀

      2. lbolesta +4

        My husband can fold a fitted sheet, and he is no end of smug about it. Do the best you can, and who the fuck cares if the sheets are wrinkled?

    6. Bryn (Plus Others) +5

      Get our kids home from school, fed, and into bed. Then I am going to blow the budget very slightly and order Chinese delivery for myself because it has been a rough, rough week.

      1. Ethylbenzene +2

        That sounds so good. Moo shu pork and dumplings make things feel a lot better.

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

          I am going to eat ALL the general tso’s chicken because lately I cannot get enough spicy food, although it has to be spicy-and-(sweet/sour/etc) so I can’t just drown things in hot sauce like our partner does.

    7. SarcasticFringehead +2

      I remembered to ask HR the tax question I needed to ask! (also the answer was “you’re fine, don’t worry about it,” which, while not an accomplishment, is still pretty great because it means I can get my taxes done and then be smug about it)

    8. lemonack +2

      I need to write 1000 words on my thesis to make it an unqualified success, but if I can force myself into the office, that’s Good Enough.

    9. actuallycabbage +3

      Got up at 5 am to go work out but also packed my work clothes and a birthday present to a friend ahead of time. Made it to 6 am workout, 8 am breakfast date and work all on time!

    10. lbolesta +4

      Touch-up paint on our white kitchen cabinets. No amount of scrubbing can remove the stains from the coffee Mr Knowsey habitually flings all over them.

    11. mydonkeyfeet +4

      Ugh, I feel you! My thing for today was go to the dentist, which wasn’t hard. I just had to show up.

      I just recently started using the free Timely app and website to track things I need to do, and it’s been helping me. It gives me a good feeling of satisfaction to finish a task, and it also lessens my stress to be able to move a task to another day where I see a free spot if I don’t get to it. But it’s still hard to do THINGS, ugh.

  81. bellmaison +4

    Note 1: I finally successfully reset my IntenseDebate password? It’s been locking me out and not letting me reset it for so long for no reason. But today I didn’t get an error message so I have my actual profile back!

    Anyway. Today is going to be very busy. It’s prospective student weekend, so I have prospies to herd all day, and a party to host for them tonight. They’re lovely, but it means time away from work. And I have so much work to do.

    I have to work on my IRB to be allowed to use human subjects. I have to finish and submit a grant to go to Argentina this summer. I have to present my current tomorrow for the prospies and a bunch of professors. I have to continue to revise the paper I want to submit. I have to somehow fit 20 hours of programming on language corpora into the next 5 days. AND I apparently have to have a first draft (a mini draft, really, but still) of my PROSPECTUS to my advisor in one week. Which is terrifying.

    And I have to remember to breathe through everything. I can do this. I can do this.

    1. Antonius_Block +2

      You can do this!

      I have a prospectus draft due on Monday, so I am also feeling that very particular terror, on top of the usual teaching + research + grants + conferences + etc. But the prospectus will be okay and IRB will be okay and grants will be okay and all manner of things will be okay.

    2. LaxMom +1

      Wow, that’s a lot. You seem to have a handle on parceling it out, though. My only helpful advice is to get something like m&m’s candy or something teeny that you can reward yourself with and keep it nearby. When I was writing my thesis I let myself have an m&m for every page I wrote, or every 3 maps I got formatted. That was a good carrot to keep me going in the slog times. You can do this!!!

  82. ksek +16

    Questions for Toasties who have been pregnant: What would be good items to put in a pregnancy care package? Things that are definitely for the mom (not baby gifts).

    My college roommate (who I haven’t remained SUPER close with, but we still interact on FB and have seen each other a handful of times since graduating 8 years ago) just announced that she’s pregnant with twins. This is certainly excellent news — I know that her and her husband definitely wanted multiple kids, and I’m very happy for them. But I’m a bit worried about the mom-to-be, as I know she had a PHOBIA of pregnancy while we were in college. Like not just that she mentioned that she wouldn’t want to be pregnant. She would visibly cringe if she saw a pregnant woman and talk about how much it freaked her out. That totally could have changed since then, and she may currently be getting plenty of support on that front, but I’d really like to send her a package of stuff that may help her feel more comfortable/relaxed/etc. in case she is feeling super freaked out (especially since she is DOUBLE pregnant!).

    1. onewhitetulip +6

      oh oh I did this for a friend who was in a car accident and had horrible morning sickness.

      – Preggie pops (the only thing that helped the morning sickness, apparently)
      – Belly butter
      – different herbal teas (peppermint, ginger)
      – Books that were fun to read but had nothing involving pregnancy.

    2. Period_eye +10

      Seconding those preggie pops. Literally the only thing I could stomache for months. Bio-oil is good. Depending on her nausea/personal taste, good snacks are a great option. My second child basically was grown on Fig Newtons and cheese and crackers, cause that’s all I wanted. Some good maternity leggings or shirts that look like something a regular person would wear (or gift certificate, cause that shit’s expensive). Or, best idea, just somethign you think SHE would like to receive even if you didn’t know she was pregnant? A great album or book? Sometimes it is nice not to feel like an incubator.

    3. emmysuhweeks +3

      I always recommend Earth Mama Angel Baby products, because they smell awesome and can help treat pregnancy symptoms, pre and post delivery. There’s a Little Something for Mama-to-Be that has some tea and lotions and soaps that are soothing and pampering.

    4. si1verdrake +7

      Not entirely sure what helps with making pregnancy more comfortable, but when a friend of mine was pregnant and asked for gifts for the baby, I also put in a set of DVDs for her to watch as a distraction from all-pregnancy-all-the-time. I think I went with Castle, since I figured something episodic and generally light/not-too-involved would be a good choice. A good book/TV show/game that’s unrelated to pregnancy and kids might be very welcome as a mental break.

    5. lemonadefish +7

      I found the taste of preggie pops to be way too strong. I suppose that puts me in the minority, but there it is… Also I have like 6 jars of various belly butters, and I never really got much into any of them… Also I was too busy trying to sleep to ever read anything.

      Hm, maybe what I’m saying is, I was a miserable pregnant person, and there was no comforting me? The only thing I enjoyed at all was fried chicken, and that just doesn’t ship well. I am no help. I’ll see myself out.

    6. annikkinstarkiller +2

      A lot of the herbal stuff can be chancy at different times of pregnancy, but peppermint tea saved me and I’d recommend it 100%. Bio-Oil works for stretch marks but I personally hated the smell. Cocoa butter works just as well.
      If she has a bathtub, one of the less glittery bath bombs might do nicely, or a cocoa butter bath oil. Hot water bottles or heat packs can also really help.
      And then something to make her feel special (because she can’t drink or eat sushi or the good cheese), like a tiny box of fancy chocolates or whatever treat she likes.

    4. InsertCoolNameHere +7

      YES!

      I am still glowing from being in the room where it happens. I saw it in January and it was just fantastic. It was the best show I have ever seen, and it is so magical seeing it in person. The cast recording is great, but gaaahhhhhh being there and seeing everyone, it is just wonderful.

      Bring tissues!!!!!

  85. _bartleby +5

    Financial thread below! I’ve gotten really into the early retirement / financial independence Internet recently and want to talk savings.

    1. _bartleby +7

      So yes, I would really love to build up enough savings to pay for my basic living expenses over the next 10-15 years. It’s possible if I save between 40-50% of my income, which I am doing now. I certainly want to keep working — can’t imagine not! — but the ability to take professional risks, take time off, focus on creative pursuits, etc., is tantalizing.

      I recently paid off my last student loan (2 years out of college, working in a high-paying corporate job), so with that accomplished I am turning my attention toward maxing my retirement account savings, then investing in low-cost ETFs after that. I can’t talk about any of this in daily life; my parents are in uncertain financial circumstances, friends are all in lower-paying jobs, and no one else I know is debt-free. So, to the Toast I go!

      1. parlato1973 +1

        very cool! we have moved most of our non-emergency money to mutual fund accounts, invested in similar portfolios to our retirement [somewhat aggressive but a big blend, performs well except in absolute crisis]. after the banks crashed, i went 100% credit union for everything except retirement/mutual funds, and my originally-high-interest checking account just finally made the switch to a total crap apy. i’m considering going to ally online bank for this liquid savings only, since they offer 1%.

        i don’t plan to take time off, but i do work for myself, so savings is key.

        1. _bartleby +2

          What made you select mutual funds over ETFs? The cost basis of MFs makes me cringe!

          1. parlato1973 +1

            honestly, probably because i didn’t know much about them when i started. i’m going to read up on the difference, since you brought it up.

          2. _bartleby +1

            Super! What it comes down to is that mutual funds are actively managed by people, whereas ETFs are managed by software and track things like the S&P, Large-Cap companies, international small-cap growth names, etc., so they charge much less in fees.

          3. parlato1973 +1

            ah, thanks for the run-down. i suppose i can switch over, since my firm offers both. i’m going to look into it. and thanks, i have learned things on open thread today!

          7. Beakses +2

            If you’re going through something like vanguard, I think the breakdown is mutual funds are slightly worse than etfs which are slightly worse than admiral shares of the mutual fund for the same passively managed portfolio. I believe there is such a thing as actively managed etfs, and there is definitely such a thing as passively managed mutual funds. So etfs good, mutual funds bad is a somewhat incomplete picture.

        2. Period_eye +1

          I am in awe of both you.. I need to bookmark/copy paste this post-haste. For when I have money.

      2. loren_smith +4

        Hello! We are, if our job situations don’t improve/get worse, nine years out from being able to support ourselves based on our savings, we aggressively want to stop working and be bums tho 🙂 It is a great feeling, and it is hard not to spread your excitement over it everywhere. Are you into frugalness, too?

        1. _bartleby +1

          That’s awesome! I am, but I live in New York City so a bigger portion of my take-home than I’d like goes to rent. Otherwise I’m very frugal, cooking my own meals, not buying much, hosting friends instead of going out, not taking cabs/cars, etc. I did take a couple international trips in my first year of full-time work, but they were necessary sanity-restorers! Now I am more motivated than ever to save and okay with traveling domestically and cheaply in the future.

      3. protocoach +1

        I find the early retirement stuff (like Mr. Money Mustache) really interesting, but I agree with you, I don’t really have any desire to actually “not work”, I just want to have a job like my mom. She’s got more than enough resources that she could retire, but she loves what she does and loves who she works with and has told me she’d be perfectly happy to work there until the day (hopefully still very far in the future) that she dies. I’m doing most of the same stuff you are, but I need to rededicate myself to it; my discipline has slipped a little this year. I’m hella impressed that you’re saving 40-50% in NYC.

        2. sprinkles6 +4

          I’ve been hesitant about reading MMM because I’ve heard they’re terrible about acknowledging privilege. I think it would be useful advice for me because of the kinds of jobs I’ll be able to get after grad school, but I get super uncomfortable reading financial websites that are heavy on criticizing people whose circumstances are much different than their own (which creeps into a lot of financial advice stuff). What has your experience been like reading MMM?

          1. protocoach +6

            I have not been reading it for all that long, but my take so far:

            A. Maybe the most important thing is that the whole site is a bit of a pose. MMM is deliberately over-the-top, and it’s got some performant masculinity overtones that I’m not crazy about, but the point is something like a hypermiler or ultramarathon runner: this is how far you could theoretically take it, but there’s tons of smaller things you can do if you don’t want to go to the full extreme.

            B. From what I have seen, he’s pretty good about acknowledging that his advice is mostly focused on people who have decent to good jobs and how they can spend less in ways that help them, the environment, and their community. I haven’t seen anything that’s shaming people who don’t have the option to save the way he does. The vitriol that there is is directed, as far as I can tell, entirely at people who have plenty and don’t steward it well. He describes his blog as “secretly an environmental activism blog. It’s about getting my fellow rich people to consume less, because we are the ones destroying the planet”. So I’m not going to say there’s no vitriol, but I haven’t seen it directed at the underprivileged, but rather at the overprivileged.

            C. Financial advice is like fitness advice (and, I guess, literally everything?) in that it’s a rich tapestry, different strokes, etc. For me, having somebody grump at me works. MMM for finance, Jim Wendler/Mark Rippetoe for weightlifting…it’s a rhetorical style that triggers something in my brain. For somebody else, that might not be the case. If MMM doesn’t work for you, there’s plenty of other good resources. But the articles and the forums have worked very well for me, in terms of setting my financial goals, and then crafting a plan to reach them.

            Metafilter had a thread about him recently when he was profiled in a magazine. I waded in. Things got a little heated, as they are wont to occasionally do there, but there’s a lot in there about his work and external links that might be helpful if you’re on the fence.

          2. Beakses +1

            The new Yorker had an profile of him recently which made him seem more like a person and less like a character- he is definitely unique, though.

          3. loren_smith +1

            Protocoach sums up my own feelings about MMM really well. I’ve read most of the blog – I find the earlier articles better than the ones from the last year or so. I’ve actually met the guy, and he seems like a pretty decent human being – gentle and articulate. Stay out of the comments, for the most part.

            MMM certainly criticizes people, but from what I remember, its focused on people of his own social and economic class. Since my husband got me into it a few years ago, we have really been able to articulate our own financial wants and figure out what works best, as a whole lifestyle, for us.

      4. RamekinRamekin +2

        Very cool! Greetings fellow saver. I’m also interested in early retirement if I can swing it.

        My husband and I are extremely fortunate. We live in the Bay Area but husband bought the house before the market got truly insane and we refinanced five years ago. The house will be paid off within ten years, though we might just pay it off before then to save on interest costs. We both pay into our 401ks (I max mine out every year) and I have a pension at my current job. I also try to save a good chunk after each paycheck; currently I have a bunch saved in Vanguard admiral shares.

        Recently I’ve actually been trying to move in the other direction, to feel more comfortable spending money on things that are important to us and will make us happy. We both like donating money to causes that are important to us. We are doing some home improvements. Also, a little over a year ago, my mother moved out to CA to be closer to me and I’ve been partially supporting her financially. It feels really good to be able to do that.

        Money is hard, yo. I still stress about it a lot and feel like I’ll never have enough. My husband says I have a depression era mentality. I had to stop reading Mr. Money Mustache and similar blogs because they were making me even more of a hoarder/anxious about money.

  86. theinvisiblecritic +86

    I went on an actual proper grown up date with a lady as a lady who loves other ladies, aged 21. We kissed (my first!) and I’m VERY pleased and can’t stop thinking about her. She really is rather wonderful, but I’m worried I’m beginning to bore my friends “She laughs at my jokes! She writes wonderful feminist plays! Her face is lovely!”.

    Is this what the rest of you were going through as loved up teenagers, whilst I patiently waited to start to find men remotely attractive? Lesbian/bi/pan/queer/human toasties, advice?

    1. _bartleby +19

      I am in your same boat, and had my first lady!dates last month. I’m more nervous than I ever was when dating men, which is sort of a regression to teenage bashfulness 😉

    2. sfbeee +11

      it’s been so long since i’ve been on a successful date / had something mutual that i feel SO CONFIDENT that i will be exactly like this in the [seemingly far-off] day when there is someone to be kissed.

      but yes, this queer toastie felt exactly that way the first time Things Happened and everything was sunny

    3. lemonack +11

      I didn’t even need my affection to be returned to get schmoopy like that. I just kind of celebrate that she exists. “Her poetry is clever! She has such slender wrists and pretty handwriting! She takes zero shit from any of the men she has to work with!”

    4. dorianneemmerton +14

      I am bi and mostly had a terrible teenagerhood around that. University too, actually – I had prodigious sex drive and was terrible at monogamy and I hated myself for being a bisexual stereotype and was pretty sure no one would ever love me.

      And now I’ve been partnered with a woman for eight years, and dating a man for almost that long, and all four of us (his partner too) are poly family and it’s so great.

  87. PonyAlong +28

    Dear Toastie Commentariat,

    I had a great big speech prepared but I overslept this morning so I’ll cut to the chase: my artwork is now available on RedBubble.com under the artist tag West50East. Please, please, please share this to your friends, co-workers, family, etc.

    All monies raised from this endeavour will go towards DeeDee’s continuing rehab and training and her new goal of becoming the “old grey mare that shows the world you can be worthy despite your age”.

    Also, kids, I need this…I’m an old grey mare that’s floundered since graduating from Emily Carr 20+ years ago (and I was good, scholarships and gallery offerings!) and I would love some honest validation from anyone, anywhere that my work is worthy and I that I have something to offer, too.

    Thanks Toasties for letting me get this out there; this is really, really important to me. Let’s help show the world there is a shining gold star for two, old grey mares!

    1. Es_Petal +3

      I have bookmarked you for when I have paid off my old grey mare’s enormous vet bill from last week!

      1. PonyAlong +2

        Oh no, enormous vet bills are the worst! Thanks for bookmarking me when you’re ready to indulge, I’m really appreciative!

      1. PonyAlong +2

        Thank you! It’s a really small mixed media collage using 50’s vintage advertising, gift wrap tissue paper, speciality paper and watercolour crayon. It was inspired by an older woman who is an exceptional horse person, an adventurer and a Slocan resident. She has an amazing Welsh accent and I love her to bits!

        1. allanaaa +1

          omg, do all your pieces have awesome stories? Does RedBubble have a space for you to write descriptions of the pieces? I can see the “Author’s Notes” link but it doesn’t open anything for me. Regardless, stories are good!

          1. PonyAlong +1

            BUMMER, I have heartfelt stories that go with every piece, aaaaaaargh. Maybe I’m not plugging them in correctly, I am a total techno dummy after all. Hmmmm…better get it fixed ASAP!

          2. EuterpesDelight +1

            I can see them, so I think it’s probably just a browser issue or something for allanaaa 🙂

    3. Thujaplicata +1

      Your stuff looks great! I especially love the two sheep. I’ve bookmarked your page for after payday!

    4. lbolesta +1

      I like the animal studies the best. They seem the most natural–the humans seem less specific, if that makes sense. Love those two cows. <recovering artist here>

      1. PonyAlong +1

        Me, too! I started the pen & ink drawings as “my style” but realized NOPE, my best work was always when I drew “loose” (does that make sense?). Thanks for the feedback, it’s super appreciated!

    5. RoseCamelia +2

      I just made my order. Toastfriend, you are amazing. I am proud to internet-know you. DeeDee is a lucky horse.

      1. PonyAlong +2

        Thank you so much! I’m crying right now, honest to God! I just saw DeeDee today and we whispered sweet nothings into each other’s ears while I replaced her bedding. OH, and I gave her a spa day yesterday: feet got cleaned out, she got a brush and a massage. She LOVES the attention, funny old thing!

    6. rosemarybush +1

      Late to the thread, but I love these! The animal portraits are my faves, with the boldness of color and angularity of strokes that make it vivid and visually striking without obscuring the softness and gentleness and realness of the animal. Plus, it’s hard not to look into a horse’s eyes and fall in love at least a little bit, isn’t it? Nothing on earth so worthy as a good horse.

      I’ll be bookmarking this and revisiting and sharing!!

      1. PonyAlong +1

        Thank you so much! I really, really appreciate your feedback and you’re so right about worthy horses! I added my very first horse’s portrait just today (he was so overdue for one) and although he’s now a pasture pet, he’s worth his weight in gold and will stay with me always.

  88. kayjayoh_ +28

    I like my current job at large, prestigious technical college. However, I know that at some point I will want to move into a step-up job at large, prestigious technical college. As such, I sometimes read job postings to get a handle on the skills I will need to polish for next level.

    Well, this week I read a posting for a job within my current school at large, prestigious technical college, and it is a job that they also have in my department. So I talked to the person who does the role in my department and she said, “This is one of the best jobs there it, you would love it, these don’t come up much, you should apply for this one.” So I’m going to give it a go. I wasn’t planning on actively looking for at least 6 months (I’ve only been here about a year and a half) but I’m going to go for it. It is one notch up the payscale and sounds like it would be more dynamic and interesting than my current basic administrative job.

    This means I get to spend the weekend updating my resume and writing a new cover letter. Yay?

    1. truffleuffagus +2

      Super yay! Good luck! At the very least you’ll have an updated resume. 🙂

    2. lbolesta +2

      YAY. It’s an awful process, but then you’ll also have it done in case any more awesome things come up.

  89. OctoChriek +14

    Tomorrow I’m going out with a group of family and friends of family. While I consider them conservative enough to be immoral, but they are also kindly and are actively helping and enriching the community. Life is a rich tapestry and all that.

    But there’s this guy in the group. He doesn’t care about anything really, there’s nothing he’s enthusiastic about and he supports nothing. As far as I can tell nothing in this world gives him pleasure, except making fun of other people for having enthusiasm or passion. He is a great void of apathetic unpleasantness.

    I will probably have to talk to him at some point tomorrow as he circulates to whatever conversation catches his non-interest, and has to put a pin in whatever conversation is going quite well. I can’t say anything too withering, as he’s an older member of the group and I’m not much more than a youth to them. Any advice on how to socialize with this great horror of man? I don’t want the evening to be a complete joyless affair like it was last time, and we’re already going out to see an avant-garde play, so you know, half the evening is wash anyway.

    1. awnutts +18

      Be UNAPOLOGETICALLY enthusiastic. If he mocks you for it, shrug and mention that whatever you like might seem trivial to some, but that it brings you happiness is enough for you.

      When he mocks another person’s enthusiasm, say something like, “Oh, but it is so lovely to see them throw themselves into life.”

      Basically, my advice is just counter-act the narrative that enthusiasm and joy are stupid. It won’t change anything, but it will affirm your point of view to not just think that, but to say it.

    2. Ethylbenzene +9

      I used to work with that guy and he was such a drag and a terrible employee to boot due to aforesaid lack of enthusiasm. Sorry to hear there’s more than one of this type of douche canoe.

    3. walrathem +15

      They might be tired of him too- that is a possibility. I’ve had some success with responding to comments like that with a bright “Well then.” and looking at the other people in the conversation with a slight smile (not smirk, never smirk, it must be as sincere as possible.) Any follow up comments are responded to with “hmm” and a slight raising of eyebrows as if to say “I’m trying to figure out what that added to the conversation and failing.”

      Someday I will work up the guts to say “Well, I figure it beats counting the days until I die.”

    4. lbolesta +6

      Is the group big enough for you to sit at the other end and not listen to him? If not, I suggest completely ignoring his awful comments and try to further the conversation in a positive way.
      You: I really liked the costumes.
      Him: I guess, if you want to dress up as something you clearly aren’t.
      You: [bland smile in his general direction] Especially that one character, it seemed to really blah blah blah.

  90. Es_Petal +46

    I have all the Neko Atsume cats. What life goals are there left to me? I finally got Sassy Fran this week.

      1. lemonadefish +14

        now that I have all the mementos, I half-heartedly try to lure them into filing up the screen – like, how many cats can I get at once? But most of the luster has gone out (of the game play, if not life in general).

        1. Thujaplicata +6

          I am feeling this as well. I need more new toys to see them playing with. Or more cats to lure.

          1. sagerenee +15

            Yes more cats, more more! Alternately I would happily play a Neko Atsume type game with small woodland creatures. Foxes! Hedgehogs! Small mouse families!

          2. Thujaplicata +6

            OH my goodness! Woodland creature collector? I would pay actual money for that game! (I mean, probably only a couple dollars, but still)

          3. onymatic +7

            I need woodland creature collector! So much I need it.

            I too have all the toys, all the mementoes from all the cats.

            Forlornly, I put Duolingo where Neko Atsume had been on my phone. But language learning does not fill the small cuteness void.

  91. katenepveu +28

    Delicious Toasties, 538 interviewed a guy who tried to eat like the Rock for a month, and here was their takeaway:

    “In the end, I felt terrible that our interview took time away from Webster that could otherwise have been spent preparing cod. Dwayne Johnson is incredible, and even the best of us can manage being him for only a month.”

  92. firstmute +8

    Babies and sleep thread! Or just me complaining thread. Ha.

    We were bed sharing with my almost-eight month old, but he recently developed the unfortunate habit of needing to be held/ rocked for, like, two hours every night before finally consenting to be put down (and then waking up another two or three times before I went to bed). Considering that we have (1) an older child who also needs attention, and (2) a marriage, we finally sleep trained him. It went really well!

    So now he’s going to sleep on his own, in a crib, in about three minutes total. It’s great. He sleeps from about 7 to 12 every night … and then wakes up every. two. hours. for the rest of the night. He usually falls back asleep right away if I get up and nurse for a minute, but that leaves me getting up every two hours. I know the Ferber/ Weissbluth answer is that he’s not really hungry and to either comfort him briefly in the crib or just leave him, but he still sleeps in our room and I think the consequence would just be that I’d be awake for longer listening to him cry. Argh. It’s better than it was last week at this time, but I’m tiiiiired.

    (Dear Toasties, I love you all, but I am not interested in hearing about cortisol or that we have just trained him to be resigned that no one will come for him. Thank you.)

    1. lemonadefish +7

      I finally finally sleep trained my baby around 18 months (I really wish I had done it sooner!) and she goes through stages wherein she is actually really hungry and / or thirsty in the night. For a while, we were sending her to bed with a peanut butter cracker in each hand. Do I love her rotting out her tiny little teeth with a mouthful of crackers? And filling her bed with crumbs? Not especially. But it seems like even if she doesn’t actually eat them, it soothes her to know that she *could* eat them. Also a sippy cup with water in it sometimes.

      Also sometimes it helps if her papa is the one who gets up and finds her blankie and tells her to go back to sleep (like, mama is too exciting / potentially full of milk, but papa is just boring enough).

      1. Period_eye +4

        I concur – keep the delicious mammaries away. This also applies later – my 2 year old will settle for her dad strolling in, telling her to be quiet and exiting. She immediately cries more, begs me to stroke her back, take her to my bed, etc. when I go in.
        ALSO
        It can just be a sucky phase – growth spurt, night terrors, whatevs. My eldest did 2 weeks of something similar every sort of 6 weeks… until she was 18 months or so. Then she just woke up for the day at 5 — for like a year.
        Sorry.

    2. msmith +3

      If it’s not teething, an ear infection or an overly wet diaper, he may actually be hungry? The twice nightly wake up is a thing. What helped for us (and many other people I’ve known) was the diaper check and quick feed before parent bedtime, a size up/more absorbent diaper. That meant the every two hour wake up started at 5, so only one wake up before actual morning.

      (Disclaimer: I think sleep-training is about as real as reiki massage so feel free to dismiss this.)

    3. Bryn (Plus Others) +6

      Hang in there! Our daughter couldn’t really sleep through the night until 14 months, but she *did* get there. I will cross my fingers your son figures it out ASAP. In the meantime, take really super excellent care of /you/ oh tired parent who needs extra kindness. That kind of exhaustion is the WORST.

      1. firstmute +1

        I’m laughing bitterly, because our older didn’t sleep through the night consistently until, um, 5. So I’ve been tired for a realllllly long time.

    4. thebellewitch +3

      YMMV may SUPER vary as with all baby sleep advice, but 8 months is about the time when we got my first out of our room, and it was a game-changer. If that’s an option for you, it might be worth a try. (She would still wake in her own room, but would fuss for like 15 seconds and conk back out rather than waking up for real because she knew we were right there.)

    5. Zelenka +1

      Maybe you can move his bedtime later so his first long sleep coincides with yours. You could get five hours straight! Anyway, whatever you decide, hang in there.

  93. Alexis +2

    All of the managers/senior people at my work are off at some all-day management planning session, and it’s a slow period for me at work as well but I *have* to be here. I’ve exhausted my RSS feed and am in need of ways to survive the work day.

  94. ContreQuiRose +4

    Might I ask those in the know what I ought to see / do / eat on my upcoming three days or so in Philly around Easter time?

    (The tips for NYC and DC from previous threads were so helpful!)

      1. ContreQuiRose +1

        Inexpensive (or worth the extra cash as a holiday treat) / none / most kinds of food 😉 and also coffee

        Thank you!

    2. Pygmalion24 +4

      Eat at El Vez and Morimoto (mexican and japanese, respectively, but both Stephen Starr restaurants with A+ decor and food). For sure go to the art museum.

    3. bread_and_roses +5

      Okay then.

      1. Reading Terminal Market. Lots of food vendors in an old train terminal. I recommend Beiler’s doughnuts, Termini’s bakery (get a cannoli), and Old City Coffee. Can be ridiculously crowded, though, so maybe go at a slghtly off-time if you can.

      Nearby, Banana Leaf (10th and Arch) is really fast, reasonably priced, and delicious Malaysian food. I almost always get the Mee Siam (made veg).

      El Vez is very tasty, but can be hard to get a table at. Not too far away is Nomad Roman, nice pizza and wine ($5 happy hour pizzas too).

      Splurges and far-ahead reservations (seriously, make them now): Zahav or Vedge.

      This is all barely scratching the surface (andjust in Center City). There is just so much good food here.

    4. annecara +2

      The Art Museum has a thing called “Art after Five” – on Fridays from 5pm-9pm, for the price of regular admission to the museum, you get live music, cocktails, and food! And even if you aren’t able to make it then, the museum is definitely worth a trip (admission is pay-what-you-want on Wednesdays!).

    5. bread_and_roses +1

      Art museum is great (pay what you want on first Sundays and I think Wednesday evenings), so is the Barnes (buy tickets ahead). I think the Constitution Center is a pretty cool museum, too.

      1. ContreQuiRose +1

        Going on the list! I love the Wellcome Collection in London, so this sounds exaclty my kind of thing 🙂

    7. molly_dev +2

      Seconding Reading Terminal and a Beiler’s donut (or a dozen).

      I LOVE Bud & Marilyns, it’s got a cute mid-century vibe and the Nashville hot buns are TO DIE FOR. The cocktail are on point too, if you’re into that. Dim Sum Garden in Chinatown is delicious and BYOB but cash-only. The Dandelion is cozy af and has a whole DOG THEMED BAR upstairs. If you want a cheesesteak, hit Pat’s on Passyunk, it’s been there since 1930.

      The Philly Museum of Art has an exhibit called “International Pop” going on, and you can get $5 off admission with the promo code IPOP! Philly also has so many murals, its fun to just walk around and look at them, although I think Mural Arts offers tours for like $20.

      You can visit the oldest residential street in America, Elfreth’s Alley in Old City. Def worth a visit.

    8. RoseCamelia +3

      Irish Potatoes! Only available at Eastertime. At candy shops. They’re not what you think; they’re candy. I love them and I miss them. Haven’t had any since I left Philadelphia 20 years ago.

      If you find any, think of me, please.

    9. leslieellenjones +1

      They have one of those double-decker bus tours that schleps you around the city pointing out spots of interest, and also gives you discount coupons for getting into museums, etc. It’s a good orientation.

  95. alula_auburn +4

    Ugh emergency issue at work is requiring me to spend hours on the phone with one of the worst customer support/sales teams I have ever encountered, and I have a horrible hard to talk and breathe cold and I’m getting yelled at for not being able to fix someone else’s mistakes. 🙁

    2. awnutts +3

      You have a cold? Doesn’t the world know that you just need a to build a blanket fort under your desk with a “do not disturb” sign? Colds are miserable, especially because no one will give you the sympathy you deserve.

      I am sorry. you are a warrior for being at work at all.

    3. awnutts +6

      Renee Elise Goldsberry singing a direct quote of Audre Lorde was the thing I needed in my life that I didn’t know I needed.

  97. coloredlights +13

    Toasts, this is buried and I am running out the door, but I have to complain for a minute:

    This week has SUCKED and I didn’t get a job I thought was a sure thing and then The 100 happened and my parents arrive today for their first visit in like three years and I AM NOT READY.

    And I’m turning 31 on Sunday and that doesn’t feel real at all. UGH.

    2. jwhittz +5

      I am so sorry this week has sucked!
      Having just joined the ranks of people who are 31, I can assure you it’s really no so bad.

    3. OliviaPJones +9

      I made it to 32! And I’m turning the dreaded 33 this year! The most exciting thing is people telling me I “don’t look” 32. Which is ridiculous because of course I do. Is it because my warty nose hasn’t arrived in the mail yet? I keep asking but they say it stalled out in Alaska.

  98. ellehmariat +11

    To all Toasties working on a dissertation – some of us have started a writing support group on Slack. The idea is to post our goals each week and then talk about whether we met them. If you would like to join, you can email me at my toast username at gmail dot com.

    1. ellehmariat +2

      Oh and maybe comment here too so this doesn’t get lost when people sort by last activity!

      1. protocoach +3

        We should set up a general toast slack, and then split these sub-groups into channels. Then we could have a little more cross-pollination. I’m already a member of four slack groups; they get kinda hard to keep track of. 🙁

        1. ellehmariat +1

          That sounds like a great idea although I’ll admit I am not very familiar with Slack and have only used it to join the Toast book club and to make this dissertation group. Is such a thing possible? Once you have channels, can you have subchannels within that?

          Also for now I downloaded Slack on my mac, and it keeps my two groups I am in as tabs along the side so I can click between them.

          1. protocoach +1

            You can’t do subchannels, but we could do channels/private groups for everybody who wants to chat within a bigger Toast team. I would be worried about cannibalizing from the Link Roundups/Open Threads, tho. I also don’t know how many people we actually have here who would be interested in Slack.

    2. Jules

      I would definitely recommend joining this! I did something similar when I was writing my dissertation for my doctorate in Physics, and it helped immensely. I also took a babysitting job that was just taking kids to school in the morning. It helped me get up and out of the house.

    3. Period_eye +5

      Would you welcome a non-grad student? Actual professor here and we still have to write stuff and still like support… Writing goal become perversely harder post-dissertation and it can be lonely too…

    4. LaxMom +1

      What is a slack? And will I be able to find it when I need it 8 months from now? And what if you’re in your first semester and don’t know how to narrow down your research goal to propose a thesis question yet? (I am sorry I am so demanding. This just sounds like such a good thing that I should do but I have no clue and I am a baby-just-starting PhD scholar).

      1. ellehmariat +1

        Hi! Slack is a free program to use for communication with a team. Once I send you an invite you can make an account and see all the channels. You can use it in a web browser and there is also a free app. Congrats on starting your PhD! If you want an invite send an email to my toast username at gmail dot com.

  99. sednarea51 +137

    This is late, but: I just got word that I got into graduate school.
    FUCK
    YEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

    2. awnutts +4

      YEAH YOU DID!

      Confetti and glitter! *`*~^**~~*~`*~~***`~`*^**^ Happiness abounds!

  100. Mudlark +26

    I’m wondering if any Toasties could suggest a therapist in the Baltimore area that could help a floundering woman find a new direction. I never found a real talent or passion and have already wasted 47 years. I admire the young brave Toasties who take chances and defend themselves. Thanks.

    1. sausagedog +13

      Hey, I don’t live in Baltimore, but I just wanted to send you some internet hugs. We’re happy to have you amongst us here– you are a wonderful and valuable person. Hope someone else can be of more help on the therapist front!

    2. badcowpuns +7

      I second sausagedog above — also no help on Baltimore specifics, but came here to say the same. I think knowing when it’s time to strart trying to find new direction takes such a brave heart. I wish you wonderful opportunities.

    3. Mudlark +3

      Thank you both for the kind words. Last night I fantasized about running away from home, but the day’s half gone and I’m still in my pajamas.

    4. AllPointsBulletin +2

      Try the Probono Counseling Project. It’s an amazing resource of counselors and therapists that provide probono services. Good luck!

    5. LaxMom +5

      You are you. Becoming you took all of your 47 years (and those first 10, who counts those, really?). That was not a waste!!!!

      I am 46. I have those nasty ageist thoughts in my head sometimes too. All you can do is tell them to shut the fuck up and try to distract yourself for a while until they go away. But I promise they do go away, at least long enough for you to make some progress until they pop up again. Don’t listen to them!

    6. plspassthePinot +2

      Hi! This is late so I hope you see this,but maybe try the app Talkspace? I know for me the worst part is trying to even FIND a therapist and then bonding with one,and then going through all your backstory etc. etc. And the app lets you “try out” new people with a free week + some other bonuses. Anyway! For people who struggle w apathy / additional chores (me!) its been FANTASTIC w/ the added bonus of you can talk with someone WHENEVER you are feeling blah,and don’t have to save it all for “in session”. Anyway,I think its a good resource worth checking out,even if just for now until you find someone you like in person.

  101. sarahgundle +19

    Toasties! I went on a date and it was pleasant! He is very easy to talk to and nice but I am not in that “OH WOW” phase I usually am after a first date. We talked a little bit yesterday afterwards (he took my suggestion on a work thing and let me know he tried it out), but nothing huge. If this is how actual dating goes when you’re trying to Be A Grown Up and not just up for boinking any half-decent guys around, I like it!

    1. awnutts +11

      Oh, dude, he took your advice and then responded with a follow-up? He sounds really cool and nice! Yay for new dating energy! I hope you enjoy date #2.

  102. yellzee +6

    So, House of Cards. Does it bother anyone else that Claire sexually assaults someone and it is never acknowledged? Because this definitely bugs me.

    1. awnutts +2

      Yes. I’m even more disturbed because I had forgotten about that til you mentioned it, which is disturbing. I mean, Frank and Doug are also sexually abusive and that’s not really acknowledged, but they are painted more as “bad guys” for doing so.

      Also, as the show has gone on, I think it would be really interesting to examine her use of her own sexual power. When it is her choice, when is it basically chosen for her by Frank? Is it ever okay to use sex as a bargaining tool? (Obviously, it’s not okay to assault someone in the hospital and then humiliate him.) How does her past trauma inform this trait of hers?

      I just think her character’s sexuality is potentially FASCINATING and is used in typical, less interesting ways.

    2. anthemyst +5

      I…still don’t remember that? I forget a lot of things from most shows. I do remember (or think I do?) that she was completely wretchedly awful to her employee for daring to get pregnant? And the woman wanted to file a wrongful termination suit or harassment or something, but then Claire threatened to fire her so she wouldn’t be able to afford her life saving or fetus saving medication she desperately needed?

      I can’t really fault other people for liking her character though, considering how big a fan I am of Regina on Once Upon A Time, who had done all the worst things imaginable before the showrunners realized Lana Parrilla was completely wasted as a one-dimensional psychopath and started making her sympathetic. Liking fictional characters is a weird minefield.

      1. yellzee +4

        O_O I forgot about that pregnancy discrimination thing. Jeez.

        Re: the sexual assault, I don’t want to go into detail in case it might be triggering for some folks, but it involves a male victim who explicitly says no–I think it was s1?

        I don’t blame anyone for still liking Claire, because honestly I don’t think it was intentional on the writers’ part and I don’t think they even realized they had her commit sexual assault. Same with Regina or Zelena on OUAT. TV writers (esp men) are awful at gender based violence.

  103. perianwen +4

    ARGH @WORK BEING TOO BUSY THIS MORNING
    1.5 hours in to Flight of the Conchords ticket sales and I am having grave difficulties getting ticketmaster to offer me anything. I’m only looking for 2 seats! *cries*

    1. girlinterupte +1

      I was you today I was trying to buy them in the middle of Calculus class before deciding it didn’t seem moral and waiting like I should have in the first place.

  104. TheRenleigh +4

    Please tell me about your favorite drugstore masks! Last weekend I tried a sample of the Glamglow Youthmud mask that I got as a Sephora sample or something and it made my face look great but wow is it expensive, so I’m off to the drugstore. I already have the famed Queen Helene mint julep mask but I’m in the mood to mix it up.

    1. sausagedog +2

      I really really love St. Ives oatmeal scrub/mask– I mainly use it as a mask, I’ll put it on while I’m brushing my teeth and then wash it off at the end of my shower. It just brightens and smooths everything up! (I have pretty tame skin, erring on the side of oily (vs dry) if that makes a difference)

    2. cuminafterall +1

      I love the Freeman avocado and oatmeal clay mask! I’ve also used their charcoal and black sugar mask, which is good but messy.

    3. walrathem +12

      I was about to say that I once found a harlequin mask at a post-Halloween sale but it was for a smaller person than I and I didn’t buy it. I do love the English language and it’s multitudes of opportunities to be wrong about things.

  105. breccia +10

    DREAMS THREAD BELOW CUT!

    I love sharing dreams. If that’s boring to you I am sorry but I’m gonna share mine anyway and read everyone elses because it’s FUN.

    1. breccia +5

      In the best one I’ve had recently, I was working at a vineyard located on a cliffside Italian-esque village overlooking the sea. It was always the golden hour. There was a large villa nearby that wasn’t necessarily a church institution, but was more or less a Fictional Vatican Stand-In. They had a significant presence in the village and the people who worked/studied there often wandered the village and had good relationships with the villagers, all the way down to the little fishing village on the coast.

      One of the Fictional Priest Stand Ins ended up wandering past the vineyard I was working at early on in my job. Luckily for me, it was Italian Fake-Priest Joseph Fiennes (more or less reprising his priest role from AHS but with no overt nazism.) Though there was a language barrier, we managed to hold a conversation. It was obvious we got along from the start and had immediate chemistry. He began coming back every day and we’d chat more or take quiet walks across the perpetually-golden village. Despite the obvious chemistry, we never spoke of it. Being a foreigner, I didn’t fully understand the role of the Vatican-type institution he was from. Could he marry? Was he celibate? It was all very innocent on the surface, despite the much deeper feelings, so I never inquired with anyone. We just brushed over all of that and took quiet walks full of silent subtext and stared longingly at each other when no one else was looking.

      Well, to make matters more dramatic, I wasn’t actually a humble vineyard worker. I had been hired by the owner as help, but her ultimate plan was to take down the Vatican-type institution. I was actually a very good theif and criminal. Though I was being myself with Hot Joseph Fiennes Priest, I was fundamentally lying about who I was and why I was there. Every day I would stumble through the language barrier and talk with Hot Joseph Finnes Priest and we’d fall a little bit more in love, despite his potential inability to be in a relationship and the fact that I was secretly plotting to destroy the institution he had pledged his life to.

      Before anything truly dramatic could happen, I woke up. I was SO MAD that I forced myself back into the dream so that I could make out with Hot Joseph Fiennes Priest. And I did. And it was great. Although he still didn’t know that I was going to destroy everything he had, if his dalliance with me didn’t already.

      I should note that I had no prior attraction to Joseph Fiennes but now i am ALL ABOUT HIM. Like I’m seriously considering watching his entire filmography this weekend.

      1. ballisticjaguar +2

        I can’t remember any of the dreams I’ve had lately but the one I always tell when this comes up is this:

        As a teenager I once dreamed that one of my classmates had died. I had to tell his parents he was dead and it was the worst thing ever. After I woke up, I only vaguely remembered this dream and went to school as usual. When I saw my classmate there I did a double-take thinking ‘how the hell is he here? He’s dead.’ Luckily I did not say anything out loud before remember that his death happened in a dream of mine.

    2. hlmorris85 +18

      The other day I had a dream where I gave birth to a bunch of slices of cake. Not an entire cake. A bunch of distinct, randomly assorted slices that I then “dressed” in little plastic packages.

      (I am not pregnant, or seeking to be. I do really like cake. Maybe the universe is telling me to become a baker.)

      2. alder_tree +1

        I once had a dream I gave birth to rabbits. Even in my dream I was really confused.

    3. kaylaelisabethblog +4

      I recently woke myself up laughing because I was dreaming I dyed my pubic hair hot pink. I feel like this is an embarrassing story- but you asked and I think it’s hilarious so I’m sharing. You’re welcome, Toast.

    4. Invisible_Kiwi +6

      Okay so I had a Toast dream last night
      in which we were all having a picnic in a big garden in summertime
      just sitting around on the grass and eating all these different types of food
      there were probably about fifty people there
      And some of my friends from school and uni were there as well, though to my knowledge they are not acquainted with this website
      I bumped into one of my best friends from high school, and I was like “what are you doing here?” and it turned out that she was working as a caterer
      (It was a fancy picnic I guess)
      and I induced her to abandon her work and come and sit with me and my friends
      and apparently that had no consequences for her.

      A++ dream, very relaxing

  106. Whine by the glass +6

    Someone i know has found out her mom is really sick. Does anyone have any advice on how to be a good friend to her?

    1. lemonadefish +9

      Keep in touch, even if you don’t know what to say! Many people ghost accidentally, because they are uncomfortable. Just send her silly photos of baby sloths or whatever – anything to say, hey, I’m thinking of you.

      Also if you are close enough, volunteer for something really really specific – like, “I would like to bring you dinner on Thursdays, is that ok? Do you have any requests, or shall I surprise you?” Many people say ‘let me know if I can help,’ but when you are overwhelmed, it is really hard to actually pick out things for people to help you with, and communicate about it.

    2. lemonack +2

      I find these cards really helpful to kind of initiate the I’m Here For You conversation and turn the talk towards figuring out in what specific ways to be helpful.

    3. lbolesta +3

      Second food and silly things. If you, she, and mom live in the same town, bringing her/the family some kind of dinner for everyone would be really nice. And just keeping in touch, asking if she wants to do random thing. She probably doesn’t know what she needs either, so just being around counts for a lot.

  107. shellygrrl +1

    Am I the only one who has occasionally been getting full page ads on here lately? Like, I just encountered one on the front page that covered up links to the first two articles or whatnot. That’s a bit annoying. (I’m on my tablet at the moment, using Chrome, if that helps.)

  108. sfbeee +4

    late to the game, alas– but anyone interested in talking about Friendship Woes?

    one of my dearest friends from high school has forever been bad at keeping in touch, but recently it has taken new depths and feels particularly rude / thoughtless. i’m realizing that i would never put up with this behavior from anyone else in my life, and that i actually am “allowed” to ask for things to be different or to step back. and i feel so weepy! i sent her an email outlining my current sadness/thoughts about the friendship and asking hers a week ago and haven’t heard back, which of course feels like a confirmation of all my fears.

    1. Ethylbenzene +4

      I ended a long term relationship over the summer, and my spouse followed suit this fall. His narcissist mom did her very best to get rid of me and well, she won I guess. He doesn’t get it and still thinks his mom was behaving in a normal way (haha telling lies about your children’s friends and trying to end their friendships is not ok ever, especially not when the children involved are 28). It’s so, so sad and I am not over it and it affected my relationship with my spouse while he tried to stay friends and the whole thing just sucked/still sucks. He was such a big part of my life and it turned out the whole time he was believing all these lies, in addition to not being able to be a reciprocal emotional support person. Ugh.

    2. eegghh +5

      I have some former friends who just…don’t reply to email and attempts to get in touch. It’s rotten but I kind of said, “ok that’s it, I’m done with them unless they call.” And if they do call and act like nothing happened I think I’d probably have to talk about it and say, “listen it’s nice that you called but I tried to get in touch with you many times and you blew me off, so is that how it’s going to be?”

      There was a very recent judge john hodgman episode (Phone of Contention) about a man who doesn’t get back to people and I found what John Hodgman had to say about it to be very moving and just….healing in terms of defending the need to stay in contact with people who want to talk to you. It might make you feel better if you listened to it, or at least not alone?

      I’m sorry your friend isn’t capable of being a good friend to you, for whatever reason- time, distance or obtuseness. Its certainly ok to walk.

    3. lbolesta +8

      Probably you need to slot this person into a new role–someone you have history with but who is not an active part of your life. It’s incredibly sad and hard to do, but if she isn’t able to provide you any support or be reciprocal in your relationship, you need to put her on the same level she’s putting you on. And that’s ok (kind of, not really). It’s awful to have to lower expectations about someone, but if you think of her as the same kind of friend she was in the past, it’ll only keep hurting you. Move on, and look to you current friend base to fill in this hole.

    4. wondertwin2 +2

      I think you need the African violet here: http://captainawkward.com/2011/01/18/reader-quest…

      The letter is on a very different issue, but the African violet is a technique we can all dream of using when appropriate. I have previously had a really difficult time letting go of old friendships; learning to step back and say, “Well, that was nice while it happened,” has been a project of mine. It’s okay to let go! It doesn’t mean that what you had wasn’t nice at the time! You don’t have to feel guilty about it! (These are all part of my inner monologue when needed.)

      (Caveat: If it turns out your friend was going through some sort of horrendous thing that you didn’t know about and she re-emerges with an explanation later, you can forgive and forget… if it’s a good explanation.)

  109. annikkinstarkiller +23

    I don’t think anyone will read this far, but how about a thread for sharing our comfort watches? I’d love to go into the weekend with some positivity.

    Moonstruck is that movie I’ll always love. I’ve seen it at least twenty times, and it never gets old. Cher sitting in front of the fire with her post-makeover shopping haul, listening to smooth jazz. Young and smoking hot Nic Cage in the snow, explaining about how we’re here to ruin ourselves and break our hearts and fall in love with the wrong people and die. The breakfast scene. Every single word out of Olympia Dukakis’ mouth. “Ma, I love him awful.”

    When I see a nice shiny full moon, I think, ‘Look! It’s Cosmo’s moon!’

      1. annikkinstarkiller +5

        Amelie is so great! I feel like it’s extra comforting, the way it gives you a snapshot of each character’s likes and dislikes. Even the cat, who likes hearing children’s stories.

    2. sausagedog +6

      What a great idea. I love comfort watches! My comfort movies are Spirited Away and Anastasia, the former when I’m alone and the latter with friends. I’ve been curious about Moonstruck, on paper it doesn’t sound like a movie I’d love but clips I’ve seen of it look pretty good, and people keep recommending it!

      Also comforting, but less in a “watch over and over again” way and more in a “simple, short and beautiful” way– Mushi Shi and Great British Bake Off, both on Netflix, thankfully.

        1. sausagedog +2

          Only the second season, strangely enough? But my brother owns the first season on DVD so I’d already seen it, and am quite content with the second– although I don’t think it needs to be watched in order at all.

          1. rangiferina +2

            huh! I watched both seasons on Crunchyroll but good to know it’s on a more mainstream site too. 🙂 it’s such a lovely little show.

      3. annikkinstarkiller +6

        Those are both excellent films! I haven’t seen Anastasia in years; I’m afraid it won’t hold up since I loved it so much when I was younger.

        Moonstruck is definitely not an instant like for everyone. It is a love story, but mostly it’s about this Italian-American family who live in a place in Brooklyn Heights. All the characters are really well drawn, the dialogue is very quotable, and now it’s a nostalgic look at New York in the ’80s. I can’t really do it justice but it kind of is about the magic of family. Messed up, deeply idiosyncratic, but happy family.

    3. protocoach +3

      It pains me to admit, but Accepted. I saw it for the first time right as I started applying for colleges, and it hit me, I guess. I watch it every couple of months. It used to be the movie I would put on when I came home drunk during undergrad.

        1. protocoach +3

          Yep! So silly, and very dumb. Justin Long is fun to watch as somebody trying to keep plates in the air, it had Blake Lively before she was quite so ridiculous, Lewis Black gets to be old and cantankerous, baby Jonah Hill – I dunno, it all worked for me.

    4. BobbieWickham +4

      Anything by Guillermo del Toro. Mostly Crimson Peak and Pacific Rim – they’re both so exactly everything I like, and they make me feel really content and happy.

      1. BobbieWickham +2

        But Moonstruck also and forever. One time my little sister was visiting me in NYC and we had a packed schedule of important things to do and see, and then the day she was supposed to leave she was stuck waiting at the airport for about eight hours before they told her her flight was canceled and she had to re-book with a really long layover in Kansas City the next day, making her miss a dinner with the boyfriend she was about to break up with…just one of those crying-on-the-floor-from-stress situations. So of course we watched Moonstruck and ordered takeout, which made everything better.

      2. annikkinstarkiller +1

        I’ve been wondering, is Crimson Peak a scary horror movie? It looks so pretty but I’m terrified of watching a movie and then not sleeping for the next 3 days.

        But yes and yes again to Pacific Rim. I have watched the sparring scene with Mako and Raleigh many, many times.

        1. BobbieWickham +4

          I thought Crimson Peak was scary, but I am also a Certified Weenie, so you might not find it scary. There are a couple of jump scares and some sPoOkY sKeLeToNs.

          1. annikkinstarkiller +1

            Oh no jump scares! I am also a Weenie but more afraid of the creeping psychological horror of a fictional monster standing right behind me and silently watching me. I’ll have to watch Crimson Peak in the daytime!

    5. sourwatermelons +8

      +1 million on Moonstruck, what a flawless movie.

      Also Billy Elliot, Almost Famous, The Sound of Music, and the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap.

      2. annikkinstarkiller +9

        Hypothetically, would it be weird for me to admit to a massive crush on Captain von Trapp? The songs are the best and the Baroness is stone cold awesome, but maybe I’d just like to do the Ländler in the Captain’s extremely correct embrace.

    6. sfbeee +8

      little women, forever and ever. unfortunately / fortunately, it also will always make me cry.

      3. mysterybeast +1

        Came downthread to say this. Currently in season five on my second complete re-watch in 2 months. (currently seeking comfort re: newborn — previous comfort watches incl. grad school, dumped on nye, unemployed, third trimester, etc.)

        This not counting non-comfort, fun watches! Thank dog for 30 Rock.

    8. Faintly_Macabre +11

      Dirty Dancing, obviously!

      Also, Populaire. It’s a French rom-com from a few years ago and it’s on Netflix. It’s about a young woman hired to be a secretary whose boss (a young WWI veteran) ends up training her to be a competitive typist. It’s one of those movies that doesn’t try to be more than what it is but has surprising depth and holds up to a lot of rewatching. (Also, when I was miserable and working as a typist, it was great escapism!)

      Back in high school, Big Fish was my favorite comfort movie. I should re-watch it soon…

      1. lolfunberry +3

        I watched Populaire recently because I’ve been taking French classes. It was very enjoyable!

    9. Theo_Winterwood +5

      In our apartment, we have our movies organized by category: Horror, Classics, and Other*. And on the top shelf, it’s just labeled Comfort Food.

      There are a lot of things on the shelf, but off the top of my head it features: When Harry Met Sally, Big Eden, Inside Llewyn Davis, Bull Durham (SO MUCH–This might be my ultimate comfort food movie), and Gettysburg because for some crazy reason we decided that a four-hour Civil War movie qualified for that.

      There are admittedly things on Classics shelf that qualify too–Casablanca, Rebecca, All About Eve . . .

      *Yes, those are our three only other categories. No, we don’t own a whole lot of movies.

    10. kjschapira +3

      Ponyo on the Cliffs (a double-bootlegged version with somewhat janky subtitles that we obtained through sinister means before it came out dubbed here–only this version will do).

      The Apartment with Jack Lemmon and Shirley Maclaine.

      Chungking Express with Faye Wong, Tony Leung Chiu-Wai, Takeshi Kaneshiro & Brigitte Lin–this is actually my husband’s comfort movie, but it delights me and I now also find it comforting because it comforts him and also features Tony Leung walking around in his underpants, which every movie should feature regardless of setting, period, plot, or target audience.

      1. annikkinstarkiller +3

        I agree about Tony Leung! In the Mood for Love is really really wonderful and I love him in it, but I’ve never seen Chungking Express. I’ll have to check it out!

    11. RudyRed +18

      Mad Max: Fury Road. My parents gave me the DVD for Christmas and I’ve watched it three or four times since then. It always makes me feel like I can take on the world.

      Also Star Trek: The Next Generation. My love for that show is bound up with pleasant memories from childhood, and I love the characters SO MUCH they are like a second family to me.

      1. lrljhnsn +8

        +1 for Fury Road! It’s my newest comfort watch. (The others are Eternal Sunshine and Deathproof.)

      2. annikkinstarkiller +7

        Yes! I love Fury Road so much I bought a shirt, and I am invincible on the days I wear it.

          1. annikkinstarkiller +2

            Unicorn Empire sells typographical fandom shirts on etsy. I have this one: https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/234800447/mad-max…

            She also has an ‘Oh! What a lovely day’ design. And they’re available as t-shirts too.

          2. alder_tree +1

            One of the artists who runs Unicorn Empire went to art school with my boyfriend, and I owned some of her art before I was even dating him. Small world!

    12. kathleenvguds +9

      Julie and Julia. (Or, in a pinch, my dad or brother imitating Julia Child’s voice.)
      Good-bye Lenin! is a really sweet movie too – I may need to hunt that one down again.
      Bake-Off! How can a competitive show be so comforting?
      Seasons 2 and 3 of The Office (American version).
      I also just binge-watched all of Parks and Rec in January (after following it while it was on the air, but losing track somewhere around season 6) and loved it even more that way.
      And…travel shows! Whether Anthony Bourdain or Rick Steves is more your style, sometimes it is really nice to be taken far away from your own existence…

      1. bighairnoheart +4

        Good-bye, Lenin! Yes.

        I adore that one so much it’s not even funny. One of my first dvd purchases ever.

    13. NopetopusUnited +17

      The Mummy Trilogy! Hearing Rachel Weiz declare proudly, loudly and with the triumph that only the very drunk can manage that she is “a Librarian!” never fails to make me smile.

      The kid in the second one is cute, but not sickeningly so. There is no third Mummy film.

      1. annikkinstarkiller +3

        Somehow I always forget about it until the next time it’s on TV, but yes to the Mummy! There are only two, and I love them both. The relationship gives me the warm fuzzies and the kid isn’t annoying. I also like the guy who plays the brother. He was in this hilarious spoof of police procedurals called ‘Touch of Cloth’.

    14. hlmorris85 +3

      Newsies always makes me feel wonderful. It is an objectively terrible movie and is also my favorite movie of all time.

    15. Period_eye +4

      While you were sleeping… or You’ve Got Mail.
      I am a woman of simple tastes.

    16. lemonack +4

      Heathers, Legally Blonde, Jupiter Ascending.

      If I don’t have movie time, I watch an ep or two of Brooklyn 99.

    17. awnutts +4

      Angels in America, Brigadoon, Meet Me in St. Louis, Parks and Recreation, Harry Potter, Stardust, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Oh, and About a Boy.

      I just rewatched Pride (the 2014 British film) when I needed a seriously comfort movie and it definitely did the trick.

      1. annikkinstarkiller +1

        I’m waiting for Pride to come on Netflix. I missed it when it was in the cinema, and it looked so good.

        1. bookwormV +1

          I cried on and off throughout and then just sobbed with tears pouring down my cheeks at the end.

    18. bighairnoheart +5

      A Matter of Life and Death.

      Every damn time.

      I don’t even need to watch the whole thing. Just any given bit of it is guaranteed to do the trick. It’s like a fresh cup of tea in movie form.

      2. annikkinstarkiller +2

        Ooooh A Matter of Life and Death! It has such a cool style. The giant escalator stairs! Heaven in black and white! The French dude with the rose! Getting lost in the fog! Lovvve ittttttt.

    19. parlato1973 +4

      moonstruck is a shameless favorite for me too. in some ways it’s so cheesy, but i love it.

      1. annikkinstarkiller +3

        When I show it to other people, how they react to the Nic Cage scene “They say bread is life. And I bake bread, bread, bread…” is usually a good yardstick for how they feel about Moonstruck. It can be cheesy as heck, but when you go big with the emotions that happens.

    20. exitpursuedbyaclaire +5

      All three Lord of the Rings movies and the first Pirates of the Caribbean. Plus plenty of others over the years, but those are perennial comforts.

    21. whollyword +4

      A League of Their Own.
      Bend it Like Beckham.
      All three of the Wallace and Gromit shorts.
      Eat Drink Man Woman.

      Harder to find, but super-soothing IMO:

      Pretty much any Les Blank documentary– he focused on old musicians.
      Light Keeps Me Company, which is about cinematographer Sven Nykvist.

    22. spring chickens +6

      Somebody here once recommended Rosemary and Thyme, and I have to admit, it is an amazing comfort watch. Two eccentric not particularly attractive but cheerful British ladies dust themselves off after being Done Wrong by men, form a gardening company together, and consistently stumble upon murders to solve while renovating historical gardens all across England (and occasionally abroad for bonkers English expatriates). They are absolutely terrified if anyone threatens them, and they snore a lot in various guest bedrooms and tents, and yet they scramble around and get it done anyway. Highly recommend!

    23. rolotomassi5 +3

      The Fifth Element. O Brother Where Art Thou. The History Of Future Folk*.

      For TV, Slings & Arrows.

      *Alternately, just looking up and watching their videos on YouTube, especially Space Worms or Moons Of Hondo.

  110. Mrs_Peel +72

    We’re having an “employee appreciation day” at work today, and our boss came around distributing treats including full-sized KitKats.

    I’m embarrassed to admit how cheaply my loyalty can be bought, but (falls upon it like a hungry jackal)

    1. eastcoastanne +19

      It is employee appreciation day here as well, the only thing I got was an email about a “low cost way you can celebrate!” that involved emailing co-workers kudos.

    2. lrljhnsn +17

      we’re having that too! we all got handwritten notes, but no treats.

      my loyalty remains unbought, but luckily i give complacency away for free.

      1. Mrs_Peel +10

        After previously working in financially-strapped non-profits/ government offices, YEAH, PERKS OF THE PRIVATE SECTOR!

    4. meowmischen +7

      Apparently it’s a semi-holiday in the US, sort of like Boss’s Day (barf). My company is celebrating by starting a program to share pictures of employees on corporate social media with “a message from you about your role at our company, and why you are passionate about what you do” (barf). I wish we had candy bars.

      1. Mrs_Peel +11

        Ah, okay! We just finished up our contract year at the end of February, so I assumed it was something to do with that.

        Bosses do not need a day. To quote Don Draper, THAT’S WHAT THE MONEY IS FOR.

  111. loren_smith +5

    Are there any other skiing toasties? How have your seasons been?! I called in sick to work Wednesday to hit our local hill with my dad, and while there was so much fresh snow, the viability was zero and it was terrifying and hilarious.

    1. Thujaplicata +3

      I do XC mostly and it’s sucked this year. At least any skiing that doesn’t involve lots of driving to get to. Mr. Thuja does downhill and he’s been having a great year though. I’m going up with him tomorrow, so hopefully it will be fun and not too icy/slushy. We shall see.

    2. Angelan_ +2

      scottish snow has been….variable this year. It was late coming, then it all melted, then the wind was too bad for the lifts to run (and I snowboard, so drag lifts are…ugh). Last weekend was perfection though!

    3. hammocknap +3

      I’m in Vermont and our winter has been pretty awful. I’m new to skiing, so I’m trying to view it all as a chance to practice technique on minimal snow or, at best, groomed out ice, but there’s only so much of that you can do. Here’s hoping next year’s better!

      1. bighairnoheart +3

        Ditto. This winter in Vermont has been the pits. My baby brother got his first job as a ski instructor last fall and was so excited for starting this winter and… nothing. I don’t know about other places, but in central VT it’s been terrible. So much money lost.

    4. parlato1973 +2

      i snowboard, and i wish i could get up to where the good snow is this season [i’m in southern california, and other than local mountains that are dependent on snow levels coming down to 5k ft, we go to mammoth / june lake]. what el niño didn’t bring to us in rain down here was definitely brought in snow to northern california. i’m getting dump alert emails every few weeks, and dying. maybe later this spring.

  112. tinpantithesis +11

    Toasts! I have waxing etiquette questions!

    First off, big ups to whoever started the waxing thread a few weeks ago — it answered a lot of my questions and was reassuring. Now I just have possibly-overthinking questions for actually getting an appointment.

    – I’ve been reading Yelp reviews of places in my area and know what to avoid (DC-area recs welcome!), but what are other green flags I should look for? Like, should people mention using hard vs. soft wax on their websites or…?
    – I tip in cash, yes? Twenty/twenty-five percent?
    – How much pre-grooming can/should I do for a first-time bikini wax? I’m …rather 70’s, let’s say, and I know I shouldn’t trim it too short, but for volume reasons should I try to tone it down at all? I know they’re used to seeing this sort of thing, etc, but would they ever be like “oh, we need to cut some of this weight out before we get started,” the way that a hairstylist might if you’re getting a very short haircut?
    – I know there’s a difference between a bikini and a Brazilian, but will my waxer, like, check to make sure an adequate area is being covered and upgrade/charge me if I realize I need more done?
    – Am I asking nitpicky questions to mask my nervousness? (Yes!)

    Thanks, toasts! Y’all are the best.

    1. aravisthequeen +6

      Hard vs soft wax is usually a salon preference thing. Some do both, some don’t. Best solution there is to call and ask. Different things work for different people.

      If your hair is too long, a decent place will trim you up beforehand but may charge for it.

      Tipping is good, 25% is very generous indeed.

      The amount taken off is totally up to you. If you have a bikini wax booked they’ll reiterate again before they start ripping, but if you change your mind halfway through and want them to take it all off in a Brazilian they may not be able to accommodate you because it takes more time. Usually they will have no problem charging you more for that. But really a bikini wax is pretty standard in terms of what’s coming off, so they probably won’t charge you more for lopping a little more off one side.

    2. RudyRed +3

      They’ll check in with you about how much you want taken off before they start, and they’ll check in with you partway through, too – just like with hairstylists who want to make sure they’re cutting your hair short enough. My waxer succeeded in upselling me on a Brazilian at the start of my bikini, but I’m assuming she wouldn’t have suggested it if she didn’t have the time in her schedule for it.

    3. Vega Excess +3

      Be really clear about what you want before there is wax on your body. i booked a bikini wax and when the waxer started putting wax everywhere, I quietly resigned myself to the brazilian (never again).

  113. CatfoodHairnets +109

    Surreal telemarketer call.
    ‘Hello, my name’s David and i’m calling you from the technical department at windows about updates to your computer.”
    (Wearily.) ‘No. No, you’re not’
    (Even more wearily.) “Ok, well fuck you then.”

    But guys, there was like such profound weary sadness and frustration in his voice. I kind of feel sorry for him.

    1. m98widow +39

      This is the real life version of when I get a popup on my computer that’s supposed to look like a Windows error message in order to trick me into cleaning my computer or whatever… but I have a Mac.

    2. rangiferina +24

      ha, poor David.

      my parently have been getting so many of those fake Windows calls lately! thankfully they both know it’s a scam, but geez.

    3. ballisticjaguar +17

      My cousin worked at a telemarketer call center once. He quit the same day he started.

    4. dameacademyalumna +16

      I’m not sure if this is a telemarketer as much as it is someone trying to scam you.

      1. CatfoodHairnets +38

        right. I know that. Bad choice of words.

        I feel like he wasn’t a gleeful scammer though, just a guy who had to do a shitty job. I think I may be OVER-empathizing with this scammer.

    5. RudyRed +48

      You know, David, maybe you’d feel better about your life if you weren’t participating in an illegal phone scam.

    6. Notreallydorine +26

      The last time David (or his coworker) called me to tell me about important updates for my computer, I said, “I’ll let you continue if you can tell me what kind of computer I even have.”

      His response: “How would I know that?” DUDE, at least try to pretend you’re legitimate.

    7. hapsatou +27

      My mom engages such “telemarketers” with discusses about their life choices and other career choices.

  114. aqueousmedium +42

    PSA for Toasties with aging parents, especially those who have joint accounts: if your relationship with them is such that you’re going to be the main go-to when – for example – one parent becomes physically disabled and the other suddenly becomes incompetent, please harangue them well before that into having up-to-date Powers of Attorney etc valid in the location they live in, especially if that’s nowhere near the location you live in.

    Reporting live from a big pile of Hoo Boy, aqueousmedium

      1. aqueousmedium +8

        Thank you! They do seem to be, with the help of a last-minute flight and then a whole lot of small-town willingness to help out, which I am super grateful for. But their lives are difficult enough with recent health issues that I wish they didn’t have to deal with the additional legal/financial problems.

    2. protocoach +6

      Yep yep yep. Please do this. Wills/PoA are really important (for everybody, really, but especially as you’re getting up there).

      1. aqueousmedium +4

        Or if you have children, or have lives you don’t want family involved in should you get hit by a bus…I’m currently getting my own house in order and have heard so many – not even horror stories, just situations in which well-meaning family members have opposing ideas of what should be done in the absence of clear instructions. Ooof, as Hiddles so beautifully sighs below, indeed.

        1. lbolesta +5

          Indeed–when my husband went in for routine-ish but possibly life-threatening surgery if everything went wrong, he put on the form “Do what my wife [not my mother] wants.” Because I know what he would want, and his mom would just want to keep her baby alive no matter what. Oof indeed.

    4. m98widow +5

      Agreed! And if they are willing, become a joint tenant on their accounts before it gets bad (assuming you don’t have to worry about liens or anything like that).

    6. parlato1973 +3

      ugh, yes, and medical directives, and all that. much strength to you and “the pile.”

    7. spring chickens +3

      oh no, I remember this situation! (Though mine weren’t aging so much as suddenly Very Very Sick). Sending you warm cheer and best vibes! Don’t forget to get a health proxy too! Salutations from a distance!

  115. RocksAndHouses +14

    Toasties! The past month has been a whirlwind of excitement: my boyfriend got a job, we found out what city we’ll be living in this summer (and made arrangements to sublet an apartment – our first place together!), and I got into grad school. Oh, and this is my last month of my undergraduate degree. Now I’m in the middle of a never-ending stream of summer job applications, and I would love to hear some success stories/tips!

    1. Immunogirl +2

      Okay. This might be totally invalid for money/other reasons, but. Have you considered not getting a job this summer, or doing something for only part? Grad school is super hard and you might not have the freedom to breath/do fun stuff/see friends and family for a long time. I was lucky enough to be able to take the summer off before grad school started and I’m glad I did.

      Of course, if you are not in a science-y grad school then you might have more built in breaks, so mileage may vary!

      1. RocksAndHouses +1

        I would definitely consider that if I was going into a science- or research-based Master’s, but I’m doing a two-year course-based Urban Planning program. I’ve honestly had a very relaxing semester (only three courses, extracurricular commitments winding down, and senioritis kicking in hard), so I think four months of not doing anything might drive me crazy! But I appreciate the suggestion!

  116. BornSecular +41

    Right, so somehow I missed that all the good parts of a formerly beloved, now-defunct website had moved over here, but I am super thrilled I “discovered” The Toast this week. I am equally pleased that it is not actually all articles about bread.

    So yyyyyeah, late to the party, as per usual, but excited to be here!

    2. OoTheHumanities +5

      Discovering the Toast is one of life’s great pleasures! There is so much great stuff here, take your time and drink it in!

    3. alicia +5

      Welcome! I recommend starting with the posts linked from the replies to the first comment here, where Toasties recommend their favorite posts to each other. It’s from a while back so might help you see what you missed when it first launched.

  118. badcowpuns +2

    I know I’m late to this in every possible respect, but I just joined twitter with a public account (I’ve had a private account for a long time) and I’d love a positive experience with communicating with people on the internet before I cleanse everything with fire and remove all traces of myself from the twittersphere. I remember there was a toasties twitter group? Who do I contact to see if they’d let me join? (I’m at badcowpun there. I have exactly one tweet and it is about possible misandrist Mary Poppins. I’ll get there.)

  120. theviciouscircle1 +15

    I’m leaving tomorrow to travel to Los Angeles (I’ve never been to California in my life) and look at the English PhD program at UCLA. Scary/exciting!

    1. mmsees +4

      Good luck! I had never been to California in my life before interviewing for grad school at multiple UCs, and now I live here and love it! Yay California! Yay UC system!

      1. theviciouscircle1 +5

        Yay thank you! Did you end up going to a UC school?

        I imagined myself as an east-coast girl but didn’t get into any of my top-choice programs. UCLA actually wants me to go there and it’s a great program and I’m basically just trying to get excited about this very frightening change.

        1. mmsees +3

          I did! I’m in a science PhD at UCSF.

          I grew up in NY and went to college in Boston, and I definitely still think of myself as an east coast girl in many ways (I’ve been here about 2.5 years). I thought grad school was a nice finite amount of time to try something new, and I’ve really enjoyed it. It is a big change! But it’s an exciting one!

    2. leslieellenjones +2

      I don’t suppose you’ll still be here next Thursday? If you are, stop by the Celtic Studies conference in Royce 314 (Humanities Conference Room) for some academic wackiness. (Most Celticists belong to the Monty Python school of medieval studies.) I’ll be talking at 5:30.

    3. cheekypinky +1

      Ooo! Best of luck to you! LA is a pretty nifty city, and UCLA is a *great* school.

  121. MolyGrease +24

    Toasties! I have accepted my very first job offer out of college! It’s with a large law firm (which I have no experience with) so there’s a lot I’m trying to figure out. They are still doing a reference and background check, which I know will come back fine but still am afraid of cursing myself. I am looking at all sorts of calculators for rent, take home salary, etc. and am trying to understand what my benefits in their 23 page breakdown include. I am so very excited and now will probably have at least a two year commitment to living/working in DC.

  122. Thujaplicata +25

    I am inordinately amused that one of my banner ads at the moment is a tourism ad. For the state that I currently live in. Sure, I’ll visit that state. You know, every hour of my normal day…

  123. Theo_Winterwood +13

    Okay, folks, I know I’m late to the party here, but I’m sitting at my desk feeling nostalgic for the spring that hasn’t started yet, and so I have to ask: Does anyone here care about baseball?

    Baseball now, baseball in the past, the majors, the minors, baseball in fiction, you name it.

    (Myself, I have a very strong soft spot for baseball in the 1910s-1930s range. I have feelings about Murderer’s Row and Walter Johnson and Cool Papa Bell and Christy Mathewson . . . I could read The Glory of Their Times and Baseball When the Grass Was Real annually, and I probably should.)

    (I also have a soft spot for minor league ball.)

    But what about y’all?

    1. kaylaelisabethblog +2

      yes- but I’m a Cincinnati Red’s fan and I’m preparing myself for a lackluster season… Will I still go to a ton of games? Sure. Nevertheless- I’m also excited for preseason.

    2. ellehmariat +3

      Yes! I love going to baseball games and also playing baseball or softball. I haven’t done the latter in years though, because it seems less popular where I live now than where I grew up.

    3. eastcoastanne +4

      Casual Orioles fan (my parents had season tickets when I was growing up, but I rarely have cable so never get to watch any games). Pumped about our new signing Hyun-soo Kim.

    4. lemonadefish +6

      I do not care about baseball, but it is one of the few or possibly the only team sports that I enjoy watching / attending games of! The pace is pleasingly relaxed, and I can understand what’s happening most all the time. Also the old minor league park used to have really great really cheap chicken sandwiches (not so much the new one, but whatever, I don’t go out anymore anyway).

      1. Theo_Winterwood +7

        I am not a sports person at all aside from baseball and admittedly have trouble watching televised ballgames, but I love going to them in person. I think it’s partly because of the pace of the game and the ambiance and the being outside—I’ve described it to people as “basically a picnic with a show.”

        Then again, I’ve also described baseball as “magical realism in uniform,” so I’m probably kind of biased.

        But so much of my love of the game for me is tied up in the feeling I get being out at the ballpark. (Which I think is why I have a particular weakness for minor league games; they’re everything I love about that distilled down in the best way.)

    5. annecara +4

      Yes I am HERE for all the baseball. I’m a Phillies fan, but my dad was a Brooklyn Dodgers fan growing up so I am super into 1940s-1950s baseball and also pre-integration baseball, and also Jackie Robinson.

      1. Theo_Winterwood +3

        Yesssss, I love old baseball. My fiancé once told me that given the years in which I’m most invested in baseball, he acknowledges the fact that I’m probably still mourning the fact that Dodgers left Brooklyn . . . almost twenty years before I was born.

          1. Theo_Winterwood +2

            Yes! I have seen that site and have spent a lot of time trying to decide whether I can justify buying something there–Partly because it’s kinda hard to commit to only wanting just one.

          2. protocoach +1

            I totally hear you. I could easily and happily spend $5k there if I didn’t control myself.

          3. Theo_Winterwood +2

            There are a whole lot in there that I would be happy to own.

            I also appreciate the fact that they have not one but several different House of David jerseys.

          5. protocoach +1

            I am so happy to bring this into your life! (slash sorry if it bankrupts you)

    6. protocoach +5

      Cubs fan (and I-Cubs fan, gotta show love for where I’m from) here. I’m really really excited for this season, and also very, very scared. Also, I have read the Bart Giamatti quote like seven times this week and I am very very ready for the game to start again. My cousin who has season tickets gave me five games of my choice as a Christmas present, one of which I am using to watch a Crosstown Classic game, because I’m dating a southsider (who has views about the Cubs and the Chads and Trixies who love them). There’s nothing in the world as fun as skipping out of work on a sunny summer Friday afternoon in Chicago to head over to the Friendly Confines.

      1. Theo_Winterwood +3

        There’s nothing in the world as fun as skipping out of work on a sunny summer Friday afternoon in Chicago to head over to the Friendly Confines.

        I have never been to Chicago and yet this sounds like the most beautiful thing in the world right now.

        Which Giamatti quote? The opening paragraph of “The Green Fields of the Mind?” (I tend to assume that’s the one, but he’s written enough about baseball that I could be wrong.) Anyway, confession: I would be lying if I said I had never considered getting a tattoo of the first two sentences of that. And this is coming from me who doesn’t already have any tattoos.

        1. protocoach +5

          “It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart.”

          Hits me every time. And if you ever get a chance, you should definitely try to make it to Wrigley. There’s nothing quite like it. Are you a fan of a major league team? Do you make it to many games? I keep kicking around the idea of trying to get to games at all the stadiums one year.

          1. Theo_Winterwood +10

            YEP, I assumed that was the one. 😀

            It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.

            Sometimes I feel like I might be odd to some people, being able to say, “I have a degree in English and have read a ton of beautiful and heartbreaking novels and poems over the years, but one of my favorite fragments of writing of all time is the first three sentences of an essay that’s essentially on the surface about a Yankees-Red Sox game.”

          2. protocoach +1

            Nothing at all odd about that, it’s beautiful and haunting and it captures the spirit of loving the game so well. (God, baseball turns me into George Will and I kinda don’t hate it.)

          3. Theo_Winterwood +3

            Oh, me too, man. Me too. Earlier this week, I pulled my copy of this book off the shelf and read/reread it in almost one sitting, while making my fiancé listen to passages out loud and getting into conversations about the beauty and the heartbreak and the nostalgia and the hope that comes with baseball.

            Sometimes, I look at everything else about myself and feel like it shouldn’t point to “has strong emotions about baseball” as an obvious trait, but there you go. I am large, I contain multitudes, I guess. (And I feel like Whitman would be okay with me quoting him to justify my liking of baseball. He was a fan too, after all.)

          4. Ivans_Sister +3

            If you hadn’t already said you were a Cubs fan, I probably might have guessed it based on your love of this quote. (And I swear I mean that in the friendliest way possible – as a Padres fan I have no room to trash talk.)

            I have several Cubs fan friends, and we go to a game each year at Petco. Two years ago I happened to be in Chicago and managed to see a game at Wrigley (versus the Astros, so whatever) and except for the fact that it was a million degrees that day, it was awesome.

    7. Ivans_Sister +2

      I love baseball! It’s the only sport I really follow. And minor league is fantastic – we have a team about an hour away, and it’s fun to contrast that with our local big league park. Such a different vibe!

      I grew up going to games at Dodger stadium with my dad, but fell out of following baseball in the nineties when I went off to college. I revisited it after, now that I live in San Diego. All I can say about my team is that they have a delightful (and mostly reasonably priced in comparison to other teams) ballpark.

      1. Theo_Winterwood +2

        It’s the only sport I really care about as well. I love minor league as well, for how different their parks feel from the majors. Off the top of my head, I think I’ve probably made it to maybe about half a dozen different minor league parks so far in my life, but I want to try to get to more sometime . . .

        My local minor league team is the Potomac Nationals (though they were the Potomac Cannons my whole childhood until DC got a team again) and their park is a little thing out on its own in a big field, all just bleacher seats, with nothing but a view of the forest over the outfield fence.

        My favorite, though, was the time I happened to catch the Christmas in July game at the Salem Red Sox in Salem, Virginia, because a) I appreciate the minor league dedication to their theme nights, and b) the ballpark looks out over a stunning view of the Blue Ridge Mountains.

        (Okay, that was a lie. My favorite was seeing the Durham Bulls play on the day they were celebrating the 25h anniversary of Bull Durham. Hands down the best minor league game I have ever been at.)

      2. catcet +1

        I actually have two distant cousins who are in the early days of promising careers in the minors. One of them, who was actually signed by a major league team and then sent to a farm team, played last season on a team about an hour from where I and a bunch of my relatives live, so it became sort of a regular thing over the summer to go and cheer him on. The minors are remarkably fun and it’s kind of mind boggling how young these kids are.

        1. Ivans_Sister +1

          My husband is related by marriage to someone who until last season was a relief pitcher in the majors. One year he was able to get us tickets when his team was visiting ours, and they actually brought him in to pitch for an inning! It was very exciting.

    8. OrchidMontnegro +5

      A Nationals fan who’s relatively new to baseball fandom (obvs since Nationals) but I love, love, love it. Nothing makes me happier than having a baseball game playing on a radio in the background while cleaning house, swinging in hammock, basically anything. Have some apprehension about the new season as the last ended in such an ugly manner for the Nats and I will boo Papelbon even if he’s taking the mound to secure a win for the Nats in the World Series.
      My great-aunt was always a big Pirates fan and I think I latched onto baseball at least partly in a conscious effort to honor her. Wish she were still around to watch a game with!

      1. protocoach +4

        Papelbon is the worst, but I love Bryce Harper. It’s just so much fun to watch him play, and even though he’s a total, total bro, it’s fun to watch someone that good do something that difficult at such a high level.

        1. OrchidMontnegro +1

          I love watching him too and really hope he stays in DC for a long time – but I do agree that if he was someone in my actual orbit I would never cease rolling my eyes at his super intense bro-ness.

      2. Theo_Winterwood +4

        I’m a Nationals fan too, having come in when we were still routinely referred to as “the worst team in baseball.” Having grown up in the area, the Orioles used to be my home team and my best friend is a former Baltimorean who loves the O’s very hard, so I guess I’m still a dual-hatted fan?

        But something about having loved them in their “worst team” days makes me perpetually surprised whenever we don’t lose in sad and embarrassing ways.

        The first Nats game I went to with my best friend several years back now, we got stuck on the Metro and came in at the top of the second and we were already losing 5-0. I said we could come back and she said, “Dude, it’s the Nationals. No, you can’t.” Spoiler: We didn’t.

        And, yeah, my fiancé and I were just expressing surprise the other day that Papelbon was still here instead of going, oh, pretty much anywhere else. (My fiancé has a very big soft spot for Bryce Harper, though. So.)

        1. OrchidMontnegro +1

          We started going too when tickets were plentiful and a sizable portion of the attendees were supporting the opposing team. It was a fun night out for us and the wee ones who were just happy eating hot dogs and Cracker Jacks. It’s a relief entering the season with lower expectations- all those magazine covers and WS predictions last year gave me a sinking feeling we were doomed to fail!

    9. sprinkles6 +2

      I love watching baseball games in person, especially since I keep living in cities that have rather cheap tickets (yeah, DC and San Diego!). I feel like I missed out on being a huge childhood fan because I boycotted watching baseball on TV because I thought it was unfair that I could never watch softball on TV. Once they actually started to televise softball on real channels at normal times of the day, I relented.

    10. awnutts +3

      I had a childhood obsession with baseball. Thanks to TBS, my team was Atlanta even though I grew up in Ohio. The past 5 years I have been so disheartened by their organization (the “throwback” racist laughing indian on their fb page, the building of the new stadium in the suburbs so white people don’t have to venture down to where the black people are, etc.) that the slow break up became an official break this winter.

      But my dad is a Royals man (he actually went to their very first opening day and still has his ticket stub!) through and through and so it had been a fun couple of years to experience his joy at a team he has always loved doing so well!

      Lastly, I live in St. Louis. I used to like the Cardinals fine (I mean, who doesn’t think that Ozzie Smith and Stan Musial are great?) but the fanbase! They are so outright mean. When I mention, “Oh, I’m not really a Cards fan,” they act insulted. When I say, “I didn’t grow up around here,” I have had numerous people say, “So?” And not in a cute teasing way that sports people talk to each other.

      I used to live in Chicago, and the drunk Cubs fans on the red line weren’t as bad. Because at least they were only rude in their way home from the game.

    11. annacardea +1

      Baseball! What an appropriate topic for a yucky, cold early March day. I grew up in New England, so I’m a Red Sox fan by definition. Talk about breaking your heart. I lived in Boston in 2004, when they won the World Series for the first time in 8 decades and it was amazing. Perfect strangers on public transportation would just look at each other and smile, or make a comment about how great it was. I went to the parade and it was just so great.

      I grew up close to a minor league ballpark and I really miss it. My closest minor league team now is on Coney Island, a good 1.5 hour subway ride from me. As folks have said above, there’s something special about minor league ball.

      If you’re in Boston during baseball season, get to a game at Fenway Park. Like Wrigley, it’s one of the only old school parks that hasn’t been torn down for a generic monstrosity. It’s really got its own character and is a gorgeous place. If the Yankees aren’t in town, it’s usually pretty easy to get face-value tickets on Craigslist

  124. kaylar_beastie +21

    I’ve basically spent the week in near panic trying to get the student government to restore funding to our historic literary journal at Wichita State. It’s a lot of work and I am really tired. However, a lovely Toastie stepped up to help and their English department from KU has been sending in letters of support. Anyway, I will find out next Wednesday if the budget stands or not. Without this journal a lot of bad things will happen, as it does put our MFA program at risk. I am very angry and upset and a projected 15 meetings with senators between now and Monday. I feel insane. Please offer your happy support.

  125. LaxMom +10

    I’m going to be rude and just post my update and promise to check in for a thorough read of the OT later tonight. I have to get off the internet and start working on my geostatistics exam while I have the time on campus.

    So–HS boy got his temporary driver’s license. Ex has decided he’ll just text me whenever he feels like it and take kid out driving. Um, hell the fuck no. He got away with it once this week because kid asked at 6 am and I said “ok” and then ex texted me to “ask” while he was sitting in my driveway and I was an hour away in the middle of class. I need to shut that shit down via email (for documentation), you don’t just get to make plans like that on my time and run it by the kid. UGH. (of course, now I’m the bad guy, for not letting HS boy drive all the time with dad).
    He seems to be gradually sleeping less but doesn’t notice anything else from the AD’s.

    Girl, girl, wow, going with her to the comic con was an amazing experience. She fangirled 1000% and waited with me over an hour in line to see Matt Smith, and went running off on her own to stand in line for a chance at the microphone. She was disappointed that they stopped the session with only 6 people in front of her, but spent the whole ride home saying “OMG that was SO WORTH IT”. I found out she has entire speeches memorized, and Matt Smith was a #1 class act all the way around, and really really nice to the kids who asked him questions. It’s opened up a whole new world for her (Mom, it’s like an entire conference of just geeks! This is amazing!) and watching that from the sidelines was so.cool. Also, I found out that my 12 year old knows what shipping is. Um. Well, ookay.
    Here is a pic (I also linked this same pic last week but that was Sunday already and I am still happy). https://www.shutterfly.com/lightbox/view.sfly?fid…

    I’ve started LAX practices, it’s great, we’ve got 4 girls and 9 boys, it’s a bit crazy and I’m not all the way ready for the one tonight but the parents and kids love it so far.
    I’m tired. I’m stressed. I have the aforementioned stats exam, related lit review, another lit review/powerpoint, and a stats assignment due in the next 3 days. I can only do most of the stats here on campus, but my key to the building doesn’t work. Argh.

    It occurs to me that two weeks ago I was worried about my ex suing me(I still need to do something about that), this week my transmission went (thank you dad for paying for yet another car repair), and next Tuesday my dad has a heart procedure that hopefully “won’t be too serious”. Well, a younger friend of his just woke up, said “I don’t feel right”, took his nitro, and dropped dead of a heart attack last week, so we could appreciate some good vibes for him.
    Yes, I have an extraordinarily busy life. But do I really need all this extra shit, too? Can I please catch a break?

    Also, they are trying to fire teachers in our school district (thanks Kasich), AND they decided it would be a good idea to farm out all the extra 6th,7th, and 8th grade electives to THE COMMUNITY COLLEGE. Because I want my 12 year old hanging out around community college kids. Assuming I have the leisure time to schlep her there back and forth throughout the day. Yeah, not so much. Apparently I’m the only one in the district who thinks sending 11 year olds to college is a not-so good idea.
    I could keep ranting but I just looked at the clock and OMG. So more tonight. I LOVE TOASTIES.

    1. citystillbreath +7

      Your life sounds so busy, I admire you so much!
      On the community college elective thing… what? They’re not even gonna have buses?

      2. LaxMom +2

        I try to get away from telling myself “I’m trying to do too much” and re-frame things as “If I accomplish even 90% of this I’ll be a rock star, and it’s totally doable”. I’m not sure it works, but I’m faking it pretty well. I had to really lean on that this week because I missed a dr. appt., had to call college boy for backup kid-transporting, and just spent 3 hours in a strangely empty dept. to find out that I hadn’t been put on the email list that would have told me that everybody else was downstairs at a mandatory colloquium nobody told me about. I am trying not to feel guilty about missing that, for pete’s sake, but it’s tough.

        Yes, the college thing. It’s supposed to be a program where highschool kids can take an ACT or whatever, take community college classes that count as HS credit as well, and then after 2 years of this substituting (while still trying to do high school mandatory classes and extracurriculars at the high school), can graduate with several basic college courses already credited and thus avoid a year or so of college tuition by starting freshman year with a lot of college credits. Eldest boy didn’t choose to do this because he didn’t want the hassle of driving back and forth and didn’t want to miss his physics teacher at school or band. Middle boy really wants to do this, and will just be driving age next August. It’s a pretty reasonable deal for a high schooler if they are self-motivated and can shift gears well in midday. The college tuition is paid for by public school funds.

        They have scared parents into thinking that doing this is they only way they can afford college, and thrown in a dash of “your advanced 11 year old is so smart she should be doing college work”, and the parents have bought into this hook, line and sinker. Yes, parents would be driving 11 year olds to take algebra 2 in college rather than in 8th grade, just so they get the credit for it. Why parents think a community college environment is OK for 13 year olds, or that 13 year olds won’t suffer from having their days splintered up like that, or all the other reasons it’s not developmentally appropriate, I don’t know. All I know is that I see a way the school system can avoid teaching art, languages, and higher maths, which will mean that class attendance will go down at the hs, which will cause the HS to fire teachers, which will force more kids into community college…and any body who is low income or whose parents work is screwed. Thanks, Kasich, for dismantling unions, women’s health, AND public school systems.
        Wow, that turned into a rant. Well, if it helps anybody not vote for Kasich…

  126. failsafeplot +9

    There’s this guy. He’s my first serious relationship (also first sexual relationship), he’s a good listener, funny, really great. But I’m just over it, for no particular reason, and I know I need to break up with him. But I just, like, can’t, somehow? We’ve been together for a year and I know he’s not expecting it at all.

    What’s the nicest possible way to break up with someone? And how do you force yourself to actually do it? And how do you not feel guilty!?!

    1. CleverManka +16

      Force yourself to do it by understanding that putting it off will only make it worse. There is no way to avoid feeling sad afterward, sorry. That’s the price you pay for being happier in the long run.

    2. SmrtCookie +8

      Do it as soon as you can kindly do it. I think what you said above is perfectly fine! To help make yourself do it think about how hurt you would be if you were the one being broken up with and you found out your partner knew they wanted to break up with you for day/weeks/whatever. And remember that just because you’re the breakup-er and not the breakup-ee you’re still probably going to feel sad on top of feeling guilty. That is totally normal, give yourself time to mourn.

      1. failsafeplot +1

        Yeah, I keep thinking– I’ll be sad after I do it, so doesn’t that mean I should just not do it?? But you’re right, thanks

    3. awnutts +6

      The helpful thing that I have learned is the person ending the relationship can not say anything to stop the sad feelings. He will feel sad, and you will want to make him feel less sad because you are kind. But you have to trust that his friends will help him feel better. There is only one thing you could say to make a dent in his sadness: “Oh, nevermind, I was wrong. I DO want to be with you.” but that would be a lie.

      So, don’t insult the guy, but remember that there is no perfect thing to say to make it not feel crummy.

      As for forcing yourself to do it, I think it’s a matter of sitting down and telling him that the two of you need to break up. Make a mental appointment that, you know, Monday (or whatever day) when you see him, you will end it. And don’t wait till you’ve been hanging out for 2 hours.

      BUT IT IS YOUR LIFE AND YOU DO YOU. As long as you don’t say something really insulting, you’re just telling him what you need and that is the nicest way to break up with someone.

      GOOD LUCK. It’s cliche, but ice cream really does help.

      1. failsafeplot +1

        Thank you! The idea of making an appointment somehow makes it seem more possible. I’ll make sure I’m prepared with ice cream…

    4. Grouch +4

      One way to think about this is that you have already broken up with the guy. From what you wrote, I don’t get the sense that you’re unsure about the relationship. You’ve made a decision that the relationship is over (or not what it once was, at any rate). What you need to do now is tell the guy. There’s an information gap here that only you can close, and the longer you wait, the more awkward that becomes.

    5. PallasPerilous +5

      The hardest I’ve ever been dumped was by a college relationship. He showed up on my porch, walked in, and basically said “We need to break up.” I asked why, and he bluntly answered “Because I’m just not in love with you.”

      It blew, I hated it, my reactions within the five minutes he stayed ran the gamut from “weepy objections and attempts to hug” to “upset and shouty”, I made him send a mutual friend over so I could cry on somebody, I woke up alone in my bed the next morning feeling 100% like crap, posted angry rants about it online, etc.

      But you know what? I wish he had dumped me MONTHS before that. It would’ve saved me a lot of confusion, frustration, isolation, and general weirdness.

      Will your boyfriend be pissed/shocked/crushed/etc? Yup. Will you feel like a total jerk? Yes. Will he eventually be relieved that you let him off the hook, and will you actually feel a sense of immediate relief despite the jerkitude? Yes and yes! Trrrrrust me, the guilt is about staying with him, not breaking up with him.

      So don’t waste his time or yours trying to come up with the perfect empathetic speech about how wonderful he is etc etc. Rip off that band-aid as cleanly, irrevocably, and conscientiously as you can manage in the moment, and then let his friends take care of him.

  127. laurenipsum +13

    I don’t remember who posted about the Check Please! update last Friday, asking if anyone else reads it. Well I DIDN’T but now I DO and I LOVE MY TINY GAY HOCKEY BABIES

    1. protocoach +4

      I tore through the whole thing in about two hours last week. Seconding the praise for whoever recommended it.

    2. Rachel8489 +4

      THAT WAS ME ISN’T IS WONDERFUL?

      And if you’re a fanfic person then you should know that this is a fandom that LOVES its fic. So much decent-to-good fanfic!

      1. laurenipsum +1

        Yesss I found that out and I am very pleased. Apparently I love mutual pining, so that’s good.

        Edit: and THANK YOU

      2. alder_tree +2

        I haven’t gotten into the fandom yet, but I’m tempted only because one of my fave fic authors (emmagrant01) is writing fic for it.

    4. megalesias +3

      It’s so gooood, ugh <3 I got a Samwell Hockey T-shirt during the Kickstarter and it is my favorite. Favorite.

      1. laurenipsum +1

        Is there more merch?? I want merch!

        Instafandom, apparently; I literally only read it for the first time a week ago and I’m already totally ready to have tshirts and stickers and shit.

        1. mmsees +2

          I don’t think there’s merch for sale at the moment, but there will/should be in the future! Up until this point there’s basically been waves of availability instead of a standing store.

          I got the book during the Kickstarter and after the most recent updates I went back and read all of year one in physical form (and then year two online) and was delighted about the whole thing all over.

  128. Jules +40

    Relatively new to The Toast, but am oh so grateful for this space. You all are smart and funny and funny and smart. I work at a smaller tech company in a technical role, and I’m the only woman in the office of 30 people. Lately the office atmosphere has been getting to me. Usually I’m game and can dish it back as quickly as it is served up to me. But I’ve been getting lonely, as I feel like I have to keep up my guard at all times and can’t participate in all the conversations concerning video games, sci-fi movies, and guns. I once referenced Jane Eyre in a conversation and was met with confused looks (“What is Jane Eyre?”) and odd amounts of anger (“Don’t bring up that Chick Lit! Its not like that book is like Dickens or anything!”)

    You all have, unknowingly, acted as my defacto female and respectful-towards-females coworkers. Thanks so much everyone!

    1. effableobject +22

      1) Welcome!

      2) They haven’t heard of Jane Eyre? Did they skip high school? And yeah, no, it’s better than Dickens. And I like Dickens, but. Come on.

    2. OliviaPJones +24

      I want to come and be your rent-a-coworker (pro-bono of course) just so I can wipe the floor with some fools who dare to call Jane Eyre “chick lit.”

  129. Jules +8

    Relatively new to The Toast, but am oh so grateful for this space. You all are smart and funny and funny and smart. I work at a smaller tech company in a technical role, and I’m the only woman in the office of 30 people. Lately the office atmosphere has been getting to me. Usually I’m game and can dish it back as quickly as it is served up to me. But I’ve been getting lonely, as I feel like I have to keep up my guard at all times and can’t participate in all the conversations concerning video games, sci-fi movies, and guns. I once referenced Jane Eyre in a conversation and was met with confused looks (“What is Jane Eyre?”) and odd amounts of anger (“Don’t bring up that Chick Lit! Its not like that book is like Dickens or anything!”)

  130. annecara +5

    This is buried, but: Does anyone have an idea what’s a reasonable rate to charge for 96pp of magazine layout proofreading? All my previous proofreading gigs have been flat fees (and also for books), so I don’t have a usual hourly or per page rate.

    1. Rillquiet +4

      Industry standard in my area is calculated based on word count–250 words per page, 10 such pages per hour, so 2,500 words per hour times your hourly rate. If you wanted to pad your estimate a little to cover layout QC items, I imagine that would be between you, your conscience, and the market (but don’t underbid yourself!).

      1. lbolesta +2

        For proofreading, I paid freelancers $3.50/page at the above page assumptions. That is not a great rate but it’s not terrible, so I would use that as your minimum.

  131. Jey +12

    ‘ey Toasts,

    Looking down the barrel of my psych ward stay to get me past my PTSD anniversary, I will be hanging out in a hospital room by this time next week if all goes according to plan. I still feel a bit funny about it, but although initially the decision to hospitalise gave me a good burst of energy thanks to the fear/pressure being off (which of course resulted in me questioning the legitimacy of my proposed stay, but no, it’s very legitimate), I am now getting tired and sad and heavy and I just want to be in there and getting past this. But I’ve still got to get through about half a week and a bunch of classes and other things it is important to try to hang onto in the face of this. There’s also the fear that something will go Wrong — the beds will be full! My upgraded insurance still won’t actually cover it! And then I will be out here on my own with no time left to deal with it. Waiting is hard.

    Also I’m secretly convinced I have a blood clot. (I don’t have a blood clot.)

    1. awnutts +6

      Oh, I’ve been thinking of you! I’m so glad you posted an update. I’m can’t imagine how hard the waiting is.

      I’m still so proud of you. You are feeling tired and heavy and you are still moving forward. Love to you, reach out if you need a friend/pep talk/a relatively anonymous person to send your feelings to.

    3. RamekinRamekin +3

      I’ve been thinking of you! I know the waiting must be hard, but you will get through this.

      Also, you probably don’t have a blood clot. I have a lot of anxiety issues and sometimes when there’s something big that I’m anxious about, my brain sort of wanders around looking for other anxiety-producing things to latch on to, so, maybe that’s happening to you too?

      Here’s a photo series I saw today where a guy photoshopped his dog into a giant, it made me laugh, I hope it makes you smile. 🙂 http://www.boredpanda.com/giant-dog-photoshop-adv…

      1. Jey +1

        I most definitely don’t have a blood clot, because well, the pain is completely gone now and I remain fine. It is definitely my anxiety trying to grab on to something, but it is a little disconcerting because although I deal with anxiety quite often, this is not something it normally does, so I’m a little thrown off.

        The giant dog hit the sweet spot, it is exactly what I need right now. Thank you.

    4. RoseCamelia +3

      I’m sorry you’re getting tired and sad and heavy. Yes, waiting is very hard. But no harder than others of your considerable accomplishments.

      You are amazing. Doing everything right. Getting help, recognizing your needs as legitimate. I foresee good things for you. ::Toasthugs::

  132. bananakarenina +11

    This will most certainly be buried, but: my job is blocking a whole slew of outside websites, and I can no longer access The Toast! I am despondent; life is a void (I am posting this from a colleague’s computer offsite.)

    Curiously, I can still access Facebook and Buzzfeed. Job, what are you even.

    2. alder_tree +1

      My job has blocked a fuck-ton of sites–twitter, tumblr, livejournal, any thing blog-like, a bunch of websites about bicycles, ravelry…..do they not know that I’m stuck at this desk with almost nothing to do two nights a week???

      I’m actually surprised they haven’t blocked The Toast. I’m glad they haven’t, though.

    1. bighairnoheart +3

      I would post a picture of my dog, but she doesn’t do happiness, only dejection.

    2. mmsees +5

      Thanks for linking that! I really like his writing and I’m looking forward to reading it.

      In return, here’s a happy pup:

      20160216_091947

  134. jaeferous +24

    I know it’s already old news, but the Oscars! Mad Max winning so many – including editing, which I was explaining to my film-degree-having-father-in-law was such an important and awesome moment for women in movies. Margaret Sixel is my queen! And of course Jenny Beavan slayed in her leather jacket.

    I was on the fence about seeing Mad Max in the first place, but Mallory’s piece here was what convinced me to give it a try. And now I’m (still) obsessed. So I blame/thank the Toast for all this.

  135. hezzybee +13

    Friends, I have just paid the TWO speeding tickets, and the back HOA fees (now that they’re threatening legal action) to the tune of $2,000 and now I have literally $150 to live on for the next 2 weeks. That includes all food for my family of 4, and gas (usually around $40/wk), and whatever else comes up that I’m not expecting. Not only am I wondering how I’ll do this, but also WTF is wrong with me to get into this situation.

    Commiseration, back pats, or other “you’re not a failure as a human being”s would be appreciated.

    1. protocoach +6

      Ugh. That sucks. You aren’t a failure, you’re just in a tough spot. I have been there. You are going to get through this!

    3. mydonkeyfeet +3

      Ugh, that’s horrible. It’s also not abnormal at all, so don’t blame yourself.

      I’ve been in a similar situation, and I got a little relief by opening up a new credit card with 0 apr for the first 18 months. Would that be an option for you?

    4. Spewingllamas +4

      That’s sucky. You are not terrible, or a failure. Everyone goes through rough financial times. The winter months are always the hardest. You will get through this.

  136. Unreadaethel +8

    Got home to see a police car parked in front of my neighbors’ house, which I assume means they’ve had another domestic, or that their 17-year old has gotten arrested for something. This sucks, you guys. I worry about the ideas the kids are getting about how families work.

    UPDATE: 3 minutes after posting this, the police car pulled away, with nobody in the back. This leads me to think that an officer was there to talk about the 17-year old and his hooliganism. Which also sucks, but it sucks less than a domestic violence situation. I’m going to give it 30 minutes, then go and see if everything’s ok.

    1. Unreadaethel +2

      SON OF UPDATE: It was, in fact, the teenager. He’s been staying out nights, and they finally had to file a missing juvenile report and start documenting his behavior. He broke a window in the front door (and boy, were his younger siblings confused about that when they got home from the friend’s house where they’d thankfully been spending the evening), and he spent a lot of this evening in his room smoking pot (with the tiny dog, who did not enjoy the experience). He’s got so much potential to be a sweet, wonderful kid, and nobody can figure out how to reach him.

        1. Unreadaethel +2

          His little sister used to idolize him, but both she (9) and the littlest sibling (6) are pulling away because Neighbor Teen’s been mean to them at worst, and distant and uncommunicative at best. It’s upsetting. I should spend more time with them.

          2. Unreadaethel +1

            Today’s Gospel reading was the story of the Prodigal Son, and the sermon was on that, and I straight-up cried.

  137. OiSunshine +3

    I’ve only seen a couple of episodes of the first season of House Of Cards, so I’m intrigued about how things reach such a point.

    1. Spewingllamas +2

      My Netflix just now informed me it was available. Way to be on top of it, platform that produces and distributes the show.

  138. RandomCrouton +4

    Skincare thread?

    I recently moved across the country and now my skin is freaking out big time, like really horrible cystic acne. I did a FebruDry and a vegan February, which has rolled over into keeping vegan and staying sober for Lent so I don’t think it’s an allergic reaction or food intolerance. But my skin is just horridly broken out and simultaneously dry! Any recommendations for cleansers, treatment, masks or paper bags to wear over my head (I’m not above doing a long term Unknown Comic impersonation…)

    1. Ethylbenzene +3

      What!’s your current skincare routine? How different are the climates between where you moved from and where you moved to?

    2. spring chickens +2

      It might help to start taking flax pills. Besides the health benefits, it’s really good for the skin. Sometimes dryness can actually cause acne. That and maybe some gentle exfoliation+moisturizer. Or a sauna afternoon to sweat out whatever is clogged (sorry for the image, but it does work), and then moisturizer.

      1. Erica +2

        I take a vitamin e pill everyday for my skin which has immensely helped the healing time for my skin. I also looooove my bha/salicylic acid exfoliator. I use one by Paula’s Choice and it helps keep away my cystic acne on my chin and blackheads and dry skin that builds up around my nose/chin.

    3. loren_smith +2

      Ugh, I am sorry you’re going through that! I’m just coming from a several month long battle with cystic acne. The only thing that helped me was going to a derm – I’m on prescription topical as well as a low dose of spirolactone, which has been a huge godsend. If you don’t want to go that route, I feel like cod liver oil made a bit of an improvement to me.

    4. cheekypinky +3

      Poor honey! Cystic acne is just pure misery, isn’t it? 🙁

      I’ve had really really good luck with calamine lotion to soothe and dry out the nasty zits, and I also use Target’s scar gel, which seriously shortens the healing time on the marks they leave. Make sure you’re moisturizing enough–I use Kiss My Face lotions, which are fairly weird-ingredient-free.

      (…This may be a completely random connection, but your skin could be reacting to an increase in soy consumption if your new vegan diet is soy-heavy. Try reducing or eliminating that for a week and see if it helps–I’ve had skin and GI reactions to soy. YMMV and all that.)

    5. wondertwin2 +1

      Did you move to SoCal? This happened to me when I lived there. I never solved it. The water’s just terrible.

  139. foreignlauren +5

    Sydney Toasties? I know you must be out there.

    Apologies if this has been discussed elsewhere, but MALLORY is here TOMORROW for the All About Women festival. Could there possibly be a better opportunity to discover the existence of fellow Toasties? Let me answer that: no! No, there could not! Who wants to, like, meet up or something?

    On a more general note, hello, magnificent people. I have been lurking forever and this is my happy place.

    ETA: Oh hey, apparently I managed to miss the post from a few days ago that is devoted entirely to all things Mallory and Australia. Found it now. Oopsie daisy.

  141. radiantsqui3d +8

    I’m a day late, this is waaaaaaaaay buried, but anyway. I was looking forward to the Open Thread the whole week, but missed it due to excessive escapism by means of Dragon Age 2. It’s been a horrible week.
    There was a death in my family, which was very sad, but not unexpected; it happened after long illness and a very long life. There was a somewhat generic service which included quite a bit of slightly illfitting mentions of sin and the notion that we all live our faith through the life of my late relative (the priest would not have said that if he’d actually known the not-particularly-religious deceased). He read from Revelations for some reason. I thought of The Toast a lot and had to suppress one or two smiles. Then, someone held a commemorative speech about parties, which was significantly more relevant. I was ambushed by a distant cousin who remembered me as a baby and got to dust off my Russian talking to the scandalous Ukrainian wife of my uncle’s wife’s brother.
    I’ve been staying with my family since, fighting off demons in Dragon Age 2 and Not Getting Dressed.
    I adore Varric. ChestHair!Dwarf 5eva. I’ll never understand why every family member you ever meet in a Bioware game has to be evil or dies right away? It’s so weird!
    That is all.

      1. radiantsqui3d +2

        Thank you so much! I am sad, but also okay, and it’s nice to spend some time with my family. The world has changed, and I will miss my relative, but it was good to see that they were important to a lot of people. Quite a few of my parents’ old friends came, and I was glad to see them. There was a lot of (at times rather inappropriately black) humor that was quite helpful.

    2. Ethylbenzene +4

      At my grandfather’s funeral, the cousins were all seated together, and the priest said at one point “[Grandpa Benzene] was a man of faith,” and the cousins all sat up all surprised and started giving each other these looks like “wtf how much did they have to pay off the priest to say THAT?!” It was actually kind of a hilarious moment and one I’m sure my grandfather would have participated in, having no use for church himself. I am sorry for your loss and hope you can find comfort in seeing relatives and remembering the real person instead of feeling upset and uncomfortable about the rather generic service.

      1. radiantsqui3d +1

        This is a perfect story! Thank you for sharing it. You know, I am not even particularly upset about the service having been rather generic. It was just so … odd. As if it would have been perfectly okay (if a bit bland) in a just slightly different situation. Like when you’re wearing a left boring shoe on your right foot. What certainly added to that weirdly dissociated feeling was definitely that it was a catholic service, I had never been to one before, and the focus on my relative being a sinner was apparently normal (?), but I thought it was not their place to say something like that about a person.
        Also, Revelations. What is it even?! There are actually pleasant passages in that book that would’ve been totally appropriate for a goodbye, but they went with the trippy apocalypse stuff?! Odd. Very odd.

    3. literarysara +4

      I’ll never understand why every family member you ever meet in a Bioware game has to be evil or dies right away? It’s so weird!

      Weird, but broadly true! I noticed that most Bioware characters definitely have issues with their parents, but I started counting non-evil non-dying relatives and there aren’t many. Oriana and Shepherd’s mom in ME. Bethany or Carver, Fergus Cousland, maaaaybe Dorian’s dad if you make certain choices in DA. On one hand it’s kind of cool that these characters have families and family issues, but on the other hand…. wow.

      Anyway, I’m always here to distraction and escapism by dissecting Bioware games and choices.

      1. radiantsqui3d +3

        I’ve been playing both Mass Effect (1&2) and Dragon Age (Origins, rather obsessively, and now DA2, which I’d avoided because of gameplay issues) for the past 6 months or so, and I’ve at least taken a glimpse at KotOR and DA Inquisition. I enjoy the shit out of playing these games, but after like four of them I’m starting to nitpick, I guess. The recurring themes and the generally similar underlying structures are bugging me a bit right now, and after meeting yet another treacherous sibling, I’m just bored by these narratives. FFS, let them be friends with their brothers for once, I’d be totally happy to help Varric in a prank war or sth. Also, what’s their deal with addiction plots? Why is everybody and their dog continuously addicted to / brainwashed by some evil substance? Huh.

        I am, in fact, not much of a gamer. I am easily bored by the fighting (though I do enjoy the levelling) and I need a very strong, character driven narrative to have fun, and the realisation that these games recycle quite a few plotlines over and over was a bit frustrating.
        I played the first season of Life is Strange to try to change things up a bit, but it’s such a somber game that I did not manage to actually have fun even though I enjoyed it in principle.

        If you have any reccommendations for story-driven, not-too-complicated rpgs or adventures, I’d be very grateful.

    4. j_bird +2

      Sounds like a totally reasonable time for some escapism. Have fun! I finally tried Fallen London and am alternately playing that and cleaning my kitchen.

  142. julezyme +9

    Toasties, I went to an all-women party the other night and it was amazing. Not a strictly gay party, but definitely geared towards ladies who enjoy the company of ladies, if not exclusively.
    Why did it take me so long to find this thing?! It was *so good*!!!
    I’m just kvelling. Cheers.

  143. literarysara +9

    I’ve been thinking that I need a haircut, but I keep staring at Claire’s perfection Her hair is a bit longer than mine… maybe if I just make a deeper part and sort of sweep it across my forehead? I bet she blows it dry after showering, which I can’t be bothered to do, but which I’m sure would help it lay nicely. I wonder what kind of product she uses?
    ::chinhands, Clairedreams::

  144. ghost +2

    parents had me admitted to a psych ward last week cause i told them i want to be a performing artist… atleast they have computers

  145. Alison

    The true terror only comes after you have re-watched every episode 5+ times and caught all the things there are to catch (Connie's glow bracelet is in the freezer in the pilot!) and read all the internet theories on everything and rewatched again and there STILL AREN'T ANY NEW EPISODES

  146. Alison

    Mmmm I'm not sure I actually follow a ton of good general SU tumblrs, I mostly just look through the "su theories" tag periodically. And then there's a ton of AU blogs I follow that mostly don't update either :(.

    Oh oh but textsbetweengems is fantastic, as is keepbeachcityweird (I think this might be run by someone who actually works for the show?).