High-Water Marks For Heterosexuality -The Toast

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In no particular order, and don’t get cocky. I’m just giving credit where credit is due.

  • The work of Nora Ephron, specifically the fact that she made Billy Crystal a plausibly fuckable male lead in When Harry Met Sally (it’s the scene where he says “I would not be good for anyone right now” in that faux-French/Eastern European voice, is where it starts)
  • Gomez and Morticia from The Addams Family, specifically as portrayed by Raúl Juliá and Anjelica Huston, more-specifically when she starts speaking French and he says, “Oh, Tish, that’s French
  • The scene in Magic Mike XXL where Channing Tatum sacrifices his entire physical body to make a woman laugh, then gently releases her back to her girlfriends without kissing her
  • After Jack reads Liz his sexual thank-you note from Avery and Liz exclaims, “Oh, no; she likes that?” and Jack says, “No, but she respects it when it’s done correctly”
  • Love & Basketball; more specifically all of it, most specifically, “I’ll play you for your heart
  • Fran Drescher; specifically Fran Drescher as The Nanny. Most women I can imagine being improved by at least a slight increase in queerness; The Nanny should stay exactly as heterosexual as she is for all time.
  • Fry and the Top Bureaucrat from “How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back” (it should go without saying this does not include Fry and Leela)


  • Zapp Brannigan and Leela, specifically from “Love’s Labours Lost in Space” (ONCE AGAIN THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE FRY AND LEELA)
  • Jessica Lovejoy
  • The redheaded girl from Archie Comics who was always busting in on Archie-Betty-Veronica and instituting sexual anarchy
  • Charles Durning’s love for Tootsie in Tootsie
  • Every scene where Maureen O’Hara mutters something disdainfully at a man, any movie
  • Rogelio and Xiomara but only when they’re performing on a cruise ship together, Jane the Virgin
  • The Mayor and that busty lady on The Powerpuff Girls; this is exactly the size straight men should be in comparison to straight women, some please resize humanity
  • Lana Del Ray mostly for confirming the existence of the heterosexual death drive?
  • Johnny Bravo but only when he’s being sexually rejected, end of list
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