This Classic Toast post originally ran on April 9, 2015.
You’re gonna see a lot of birds in your life, my mens- and my womensfolk, and you have got to be prepared at any minute to look at em. Do I wish it weren’t that way? Heck yes I do. It’s not fair that we have to be on the lookout 100% of our days for skymouths, feather nuggets, reverse dogs, angel centaurs, whatever you want to call them, “air skunks.” The sky needs to calm down of birds.
Anyhow, I put all the faces that owls have in order so you know which ones to avoid from now on. Memorize and keep it with you always, thanes, for the world is full of birds and brigands.
This is a good owl face, got eyes like two dead beetles pinned to its nose, like how an owl should look. A good owl is scary the same way a skeleton girlfriend from a Tim Burton movie or an animatronic bird from a Disneyland ride that warns you you’re about to go over a waterfall but you don’t have any way of getting outta that log flume is scary.
NO. YOU LOOK DIRECTLY LIKE WHAT WHEN I SLICE INTO A MUSHROOM CAP AND THE FRILLY PART COMES SCREAMING OUT AT ME FROM UNDERNEATH. I DON’T NEED A BIRD THAT’S GOT MUSHROOM FACE WITH EYES. AND WHAT IS YOUR FACE OUTLINED FOR? YOU LOOK LIKE A NUCLEAR GHOST.
good face, good skull, looks like it would be real puffy if I wanted to pet it, big yellow eyes, points off for a beak that looks like a talon but overall fine
I like you, you look like a bird whisper, you can stay
it’s ASLEEP, that’s disrespectful to this process? come back when I can look at the components of your face properly, why are your feet in the middle of your body instead of one on each side though
lil bird-owl, I LIKE you, you’ve got a bee on as a hat and that’s sassy, you look open and ready for new experiences
I don’t like any of this, the bottom half of this bird is a waterfall and the top half (face) is folding in on itself? no no no, unbend your head
this owl is a SCRAGGLY MESS. This is just a straight up REARRANGED CHICKEN. Do you have eyebrows? Do you have a PLAN for your face? This is not a bird, this is a reaction to a bird. Nope.
This bird looks like someone sliced down the front of an apple. That’s no way for a bird to look like. Jump away.
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Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.