- Her impudence will only encourage the others!
- Majesty, her continued existence is an affront to the high and noble bloodline of the Bloodriddle family, and to the high office with which your grandfrere entrusted me!
- Does not the Scroll of the Freemen Uncle-Elders command it?
- Not to do so, sirress, would be to invite the wrath of the Dread Mothers come next Quickentide!
- Lest her insolence reach the steps of the Great Hall and invite all smallfolk to turn on their masters and lead us all to bloodruin!
- To meet our annual flame quota, star-wanderer!
- Her flesh-smoke will perfume the heavens and gladden the nostrils of our sky-aunts!
- To prevent the violation of the law that says no Smoothflesh blood shall be spilled on consecrated ground!
- To end this vile insurrection once and for all!
- To prevent the people who serve you from ever learning a word of the truth of what transpired between these sacred walls, Majestement!
- To end this abominable practice of literacy, my liege-o-tron!
- To put to an end the last of the shape-shifters, and never again hear their footfalls outside our doors a’nights!
- Why, it would fulfill the terms of our infernal tithe, and keep the Nephilim and their strange-eyed sisters from our lands for another full year!
- To satisfy the hunger of the Moonborn!
- To stamp out talk of heresy among the Night-Shriven!
- To break the pride of this haughty, stiff-necked coven, which will not acknowledge our own Council as their rightful authority!
- To put an end at last to hunger of the Worm-Seethe!
How the f would that chucklehead know anything about what gladdens my nostrils?
You need but look at her, Your Gracility! Her complexion is more like feathers than a peach!
ACTUAL BELLY LAUGH
She’s too witches, obviously.
I feel like we need “too witches” buttons to pin on our Toast totebags. Or ourselves, assuming we can bear the touch of whatever metal pin-back buttons are made of.
Because of a unfortunate homonym confusion concerning whether she advocates for equal rights or equal rites
Oh, don’t worry about that, either one would be grounds for burning.
fair point
…and suddenly I understand the pun in that one Discworld novel title. Sigh.
This got me genuinely riled up.
These murder s’mores aren’t going to cook themselves!
Quickentide is my new name for the creeping existential dread that comes from knowing I’m going to have to deal with Intuit software at work today. I would probably set someone on fire too if it meant avoiding it.
Damn. I want to play Mad-Libs with Mallory.
Are the Freemen Uncle-Elders related to the Sky-Aunts? Siblings of the Dread Mothers, I guess?
And parents of the Gloom-Cousins.
I like the internal consistency of this world you/Mallory propose.
LIEGE-O-TRON
As this year’s representative of the strange-eyed sisters of the Nephilim, I’ll tell you right now that your export policies have resulted in an depreciation of your tithe offerings and we’ll need at least 1.5% increase in sacrifices.
#I definitely passed International Monetary Policy in graduate school even though I spent the entire class staring at a hot guy.
Oh geez, I dropped macroeconomics after I started dating the cute boy in class. I moved my seat closer and closer to him over 5 classes until we were next to each other. #TRUEFACTS
I saw that happen over the course of a semester in one of my classes a couple of years back. The students involved are married now.
Oh my god that is my life goal.
Recently, actually, I ran into the guy at a bar and he was definitely more intoxicated than I was but he did ask for my number and I may have kissed his face.
He then sent a text the next morning but never responded to my follow-up texts. Oh well.
“my liege-o-tron”
YESYESYESYES.
Yes. Good.
Why, it would fulfill the terms of our infernal tithe, and keep the Nephilim and their strange-eyed sisters from our lands for another full year!
This may be an actual quote from Diablo III.
Confirmed. (At least, I now will say it to myself whenever I log in. Which is basically canon for everyone if I stream it, right?)
honestly just before I read this I had just said in public to friends, and I quote, “Mallory Ortberg is our fell prophet in this wretched age” and wow, this just proves it
Actors who should explain why we must burn her at once:
Christopher Lee
John Carradine
Brad Dourif
Julian Beck
Jeremy Irons
Jack Palance
Brian Blessed
Donald Pleasence
Whoever voiced that super-oily vulture Muppet in The Dark Crystal
Dame Judi Dench.
“…that super-oily vulture Muppet in The Dark Crystal.”
Amazing. This is pure poetry. (Full disclosure: I’m still mostly terrified of said super-oily vulture Muppet. The skeksis have haunted me for over 25 years now.)
Chamberlain skekSil of the Skeksis. The internet tells me he was voiced by Barry Dennen, who also played Pontius Pilate in Jesus Christ Superstar.
Truly, we live in an age of wonder.
They showed it as the movie one night when I was in camp and I ran out of the theater so fast. They could barely get me in there to watch Ernest Goes To Camp the next night even though I loved EGTC.
Charles Dance?
If Charles Dance explained why, I think I would believe him.
Max von Sydow
Louise Fletcher
Christopher Lee can’t explain that to us anymore, which is a truly unfair move by the universe. :
God, it’s always fire, fire, fire in this kingdom. Incinerate this, torrefy that, consign the unbeliever to the Nest of the Salamanders—it gets old after awhile, and the price of briquettes is through the roof.
Maybe we should lay off the fire for now, you know? In the meantime, we can dust off some of the neglected elements and use those for the ministrations of our terrible justice. Water’s a classic for a reason, and I hear they’re doing great things with vacuum flasks in the Realms of the Maledict.
Maybe bring back that Vlad guy. You know, the one who likes to hoist people on the big sticks. What was he called again? Vlad the Stick Guy? No… Vlad the Impala? No…
Whatever. We should bring him back. I liked him.
No, you had it right! I’m pretty sure you’re thinking of Vlad the Impala.
<3
TORREFY
Sorry, y’all, I’m too witches to be burned.
*flies off into the night with a screeching guitar solo*
Nonsense. Witches are made of wood.
Sound the tambourines of despair!
Are they an effect or a cause?
You can ask the Nephilim if you dare, I dare not.
Why does she need to be burned? Because the Lord of Lights demands it. The night is dark and full of terrors.
“We invoke the lord of lights! O lord, grant us your flame, that we might cleanse the evil before us…”
*there is a sound like humming filaments and grinding lenses*
“Uh…”
“WHO INVOKES THE LORD OF LIGHTS? WHO DEMANDS MY MILLION-CANDELA ARC-LAMPS?”
“We were actually looking for a fire…”
“OH, YOU WANT THE LORD OF *LIGHT* I’M THE LORD OF LIGHT*S*. DON’T WORRY, EASY MISTAKE.”
When is this game going on pre-order?
I think it’s the plot of Witcher 4.
Hey… you guys want to start a stiff-necked coven?
I want to live inside Mallory’s head for just one blessed afternoon.
I am in fact Moonborn, and now that you mention it, I COULD use a snack. Does that come with fries?
I feel like this could have been screencapped directly from the Guardian comments section on Lindy West’s book excerpt this week.
This vile insurrection will never end. A good vile insurrection never ends.
Is sirress the feminine of sirrah? But I initially read it as the feminine of sire (but that would be SIRESS, wouldn’t it), and I guess the only thing I want now is a fantasy novel with both of these forms of address.
"We invoke the lord of lights! O lord, grant us your flame, that we might cleanse the evil before us…"
*there is a sound like humming filaments and grinding lenses*
"Uh…"
"WHO INVOKES THE LORD OF LIGHTS? WHO DEMANDS MY MILLION-CANDELA ARC-LAMPS?"
"We were actually looking for a fire…"
"OH, YOU WANT THE LORD OF *LIGHT* I'M THE LORD OF LIGHT*S*. DON'T WORRY, EASY MISTAKE."
I’m slightly terrified you guys are all so on-board with this whole people-burning thing, but now I’m slowly coming to understand that it’s the only way, and a noble way indeed. Light the pyres.
I just got the latest Dead Milkmen album (I’m two years late, but only just found out about its existence) and it has a song called Make It Witchy. In case we need a soundtrack for the vile insurrection.
<img src='https://2static3.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/Vlad+the+impala+_09ac4341707183375063223fa645e980.jpg'>
:dying:
Confirmed. (At least, I now will say it to myself whenever I log in. Which is basically canon for everyone if I stream it, right?)
Yes, siblings. Strange-eyed sisters, in fact…