Things I Have Compared Bucky Barnes’ Wig and Facial Expressions In Civil War To Since Seeing Civil War, To Bucky Barnes’ Detriment -The Toast

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N.B. 1: I mostly enjoyed this movie, except for the parts which made me furious, which I loved, because I really enjoy getting furious.

N.B. 2: This is unrelated but it felt pretty messed up that Captain America would kiss that blonde girl because the one thing I remember from his first movie was how bad he was in love with Peggy and I think it’s super weird to kiss the relative of someone you loved from the past, I hate Replacement Goldfishing and I don’t think that just because Peggy died from time happening too much on her it’s okay to kiss her niece. Also that kiss came out of nowhere and made no sense.

N.B. 3: Do not take my lack of enthusiasm for the kiss with the blonde eulogist for support for a Captain America/Bucky Barnes pairing. Their chemistry was none minus nothing times inert. THIS is the ship you guys invented the Internet for???

N.B. 3: No, I have not seen Winter Soldier, I cannot speak to how dreamy Bucky Barnes was or wasn’t in Winter Soldier, I refuse to agree that I should have seen Winter Soldier before seeing this movie, because it’s not a direct sequel and I’ve already seen, like, definitely SOME Avengers movies, past handsomeness does not excuse his current wig, guys. Also, I do not like sullen men. Men do not have the right to be sullen; they should be cheerful and low-key and eager-to-please.

N.B. 4: In fairness I was semi-distracted the time Nicole showed me Captain America: The First Avenger so I may have missed some good groundwork but I also find it weird and disrespectful that everyone refers to Chris Evans as Cap. I don’t like it. Don’t have a good reason why. Call him Steve or Captain America. I have spoken. Okay, time to criticize the wig they put on Bucky now, here is a partial list of the things I have compared his wigs and choice of facial expressions to:

  • The “rag and a bone and a hank of hair” from Rudyard Kipling’s 1897 poem The Vampire
  • A sullen teen who hasn’t washed his hair since he learned about urban alienation in the car with his mom who just threw her arm across him because they stopped suddenly
  • “Depressed Prince Valiant”
  • “A bundle of extensions that Scott Stapp sweated off his head back in 2003”
  • Store-brand Joan Jett
  • Resentful understudy for Joseph in a regional production of Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
  • “Okay but why is his face like that”
  • Gaius Baltar after three weeks without a shower
  • A box of apple juice with a dead raven’s wing taped onto it
  • “I just hacked into the mainframe”
  • The Saddest T.A. at MIT
  • “like he’s spent the last year using Colin Farrell-brand dry shampoo”
  • Rufus Wainwright with cocaine sweats
  • “sullen inability to articulate a worldview like Kylo Ren’s shittier older brother who dropped out of community college to sell weed but doesn’t even sell weed full-time”
  • “Listed on a My Chemical Romance webring”
  • Guy Who Draws Anarchy Symbols On The Back Of His Hand In AP Statistics Because He’s Too Smart For The Regular Blowoff Stats Class Again But Not Smart Or Disciplined Enough To Get Into Multivariable Calculus, He’s Going To A CSU Next Year
  • “You said it was only another three blocks, where is this place, I’m calling an Uber”
  • Background hobbit
  • like he’s trying to win a bet that he can’t get every single piece of hair on his head in his eyes for some reason
  • “Just, like, bangs around his entire head, somehow, like his whole head is ill-advised bangs”
  • “what do you mean we can’t get Slurpees
  • Awkward stage of growing out a Dorothy Hamill shag
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