NICOLE: I have removed “off the record” on gchat which I never had selected in the first place.
MALLORY: I know, I had it selected
I always do
NICOLE: I mean there is no reason not to, except for the purposes of blogging about Civil War.
The young woman who tried to comment a thousand times about Bucky’s hair leads me to open with “we have covered Bucky’s bad hair.”
The hair was bad.
I do also want to point out
that after I tweeted repeatedly about the hair’s badness and went to bed
you texted me
“you dumb fucking bitch you better call me as soon as you get up so I can explain Captain America to you”
NICOLE: I certainly did.
I did do that.
MALLORY: so explain it to me
what have I Missed
NICOLE: But I ALSO said you were right about the hair, for the record.
Here we go.
This is not a case of “a Marvel movie which doesn’t always make sense if you have not seen eleventy Marvel movies.”
This is a NAMED TRILOGY.
MALLORY: I DON’T LIKE CALLING HIM CAP
NICOLE: (You are also correct that Cap is a bad nickname.)
MALLORY: okay thank you
so this is not an Avengers movie
MALLORY: even though a lot of Avengers were in it
this was a specifically Captain America movie
NICOLE: It is a Captain America movie.
MALLORY: okay, that makes sense!
NICOLE: Which is why it was called “Captain America: Civil War” and not “The Avengers: Civil War.”
MALLORY: guess I should have seen Winter Soldier
MALLORY: I mean
that’s a lot of nomenclature to have to learn
NICOLE: Bc of the EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT of the character.
MALLORY: ok so apparently Lord Buckington and Steve had so much chemistry in the second movie that they ran out of it in this one
is that right?
NICOLE: Like as I said to you on the phone, this is like wandering into LOTR: Return of the King and saying “It seems weird that Sam would climb up this shitty mountain to help out this whiny sweaty guy bugging out about this ring.”
Yes. They had too much chemistry, and the studio decided to give them less chemistry.
MALLORY: hang on though
LOTR was specifically adapted as a trilogy
and was always intended to belong together
this is just a series of related comic book movies, it’s not a numbered trilogy
This is untrue.
MALLORY: WHERE’S THE NUMBER, NICOLE
THE NUMBER TELLS ME I HAVE TO WATCH TWO OTHER MOVIES
IN THE TITLE
NICOLE: These are DIRECTLY CONNECTED by IDENTICAL WORDS and then a colon.
MALLORY: no number, no obligation
you can keep fighting with me about this or finish explaining Winter Soldier
NICOLE: Okay, I will go with the latter.
So (we turn to sepia) many many many years ago, in Brooklyn, Steve Rogers was very scrawny and poor.
(This is the FIRST movie you did not see in preparation for this, but less important than Winter Soldier)
And he had only one friend.
(It was Bucky.)
And when Steve’s PARENTS died, he went to live with Bucky.
And when WWII happened, they went to the war together.
And then Bucky plunged off the side of a train into a rocky wintery gorge and Steve was like “oh no my best friend in the whole world” and was real sad.
That brings us to Winter Soldier.
MALLORY: hoo boy
NICOLE: So Steve is all unfrozen.
MALLORY: i saw the first movie!!!
NICOLE: Yes, at my house, but you were tweeting a lot at the time.
NICOLE: So, in Winter Soldier, which is about THE GLOBAL SURVEILLANCE STATE
And how the world’s governments are corrupt and watching everyone constantly, largely due to a computer Nazi (hang in with me here)
There is a scary dude in a mask and bad hair and a metal arm, trying to kill everyone on behalf of Hydra (the computer Nazi and also now human Nazis.)
Who gets his brain wiped constantly and then programmed to kill.
And he and Steve are fighting, and Steve rips his mask off, and is like
u r my best friend, Bucky
And Bucky says “who’s Bucky?” but then kind of remembers him?
MALLORY: so steve is immortal because of his captain america serum
MALLORY: why is Bucky immortal
NICOLE: He was frozen. They are both frozen.
But Steve was frozen for decades
MALLORY: did Bucky get frozen in the first movie?
NICOLE: And Bucky gets thawed to kill people
MALLORY: so Bucky and Steve will both presumably age and die at a normal rate?
NICOLE: The Nazis put him in cryo between kill missions
NICOLE: I KNOW
MALLORY: BOLD MOVE
And so Robert Redford, who is the villain of Winter Soldier
Is like “wipe his brain again I don’t want him knowing he’s Bucky” and it’s very invasive looking and unpleasant
And now Steve is very, very emo
Bc Bucky is, as in this movie, kind of a problem
So Bucky is sent to keep him from doing the hero thing he needs to do to stop the Nazis
And they fight, but Steve cannot bring himself to actually hurt him in any way
And keeps saying “I’m with you to the end of the line” which is shit they said to each other as kids.
MALLORY: why is Robert Redford a Nazi
THAT IS FROM DOUBLE INDEMNITY
NICOLE: He values safety over freedom.
MALLORY: THAT LINE IS FROM DOUBLE INDEMNITY HOW FUCKING DARE THEY
NICOLE: IT GETS ME EVERY TIME
MALLORY: WHAT FUCKING CHEEK
NICOLE: THE HANGMAN IS THE END OF THE LINE
MALLORY: GET A DIFFERENT QUOTE, MOVIE
NICOLE: No, 100%, firm agreeance
MALLORY: ok but I’m tracking
NICOLE: Anyway, the big Nazi floating air death ships start to fall out of the sky bc Steve did the thing to the machine he was supposed to
And like Steve is all YOU’RE MY BOY, BLUE to Bucky who is like “okay i feel like I do know you?” but they are plummetting to earth
And then Steve is drowning
and passes out
And Bucky pretty unceremoniously yanks him up onto the bank of the river so he doesn’t die
And is like “I have to figure some stuff out” and peaces.
And so at the end of Winter Soldier, people are like “what are you gonna do now, Steve?” and he’s all “shit, man, I need to find Bucky and help him.”
So that’s what brought us to Civil War.
MALLORY: okay, that is helpful, thank you!
SO: CIVIL WAR
NICOLE: And honestly it is not so much they have chemistry
It’s bc Steve has zero chemistry with anyone else
like just none
yeah what is it about Chris Evans?
NICOLE: like kissing your dead lady’s niece
MALLORY: he’s just a black hole of chemistry
NICOLE: I DUNNO, bc he looks AMAZING
MALLORY: I like him, he’s charming
NICOLE: just a hot, hot fella w a great body
MALLORY: but just…vibes bounce harmlessly off of him!
It just doesn’t take.
Okay, now you can talk about Civil War, which was not GREAT but I think was really pretty good.
MALLORY: so I saw a bunch of people on Twitter beforehand
being like “how could literally anyone side with Captain America in this movie”
and I was like, I bet i could, it would take an awful lot to get me to side with Robert Downey Jr
AND THEN THIS MOVIE MADE ME SIDE WITH ROBERT DOWNEY JR
THANKS A LOT, CAPTAIN AMERICA
NICOLE: I was initially feeling that a lil bit, tbh!
Like it went south real fast when it wasn’t actually Bucky it was that sad Sovokian dude
But for a BIT
I was like
MALLORY: Steve’s just like, I literally do not believe there should be any checks on our power
NICOLE: “maybe the UN might be of use here”
MALLORY: I mean, I’m not a big UN guy or anything
NICOLE: This is bc of SHIELD turning out to be half-Nazi though
is the thing
MALLORY: but it seems reasonable that they’re like, “maybe get permission before destroying Lagos”
NICOLE: Like SHIELD is that nice organization run by Nick Fury that has always organized up the Avengers and given them aircraft carriers and stuff
MALLORY: I remember that!
they had a TV show
NICOLE: But Nick’s boss turned out to be Robert Redford, a Nazi
and the whole time the Nazis were scheming to drone-murder everyone who has ever googled “maybe socialism good?”
So you can understand that Steve is JUST coming off that whole reveal
And is like “why would I not think the Nazis/bad people might have hooks in at the UN”
But, again, Tony did not seem SUPER wrong to me at first
And the Wakandan king was really persuasive
MALLORY: I was team Tony from start to finish
MALLORY: so okay
incredibly clumsily framed
by some guy who is like “yes, one blurry CCTV screenshot is definitely enough evidence to get an international manhunt going”
also: is it just me or have a LOT of superhero movies lately explored bystander victims?
to the point where
I feel like
NICOLE: oh a whole bunch
MALLORY: most of them start with
“IT’S ME, TIM”
NICOLE: lollll A HUMAN MAN LIKE YOU
MALLORY: “IN THE LAST MOVIE, MY WHOLE FAMILY DIED WHEN YOU BEAT UP AN ALIEN”
“I AM HERE FOR REVENGE”
NICOLE: like the WHOLE PLANET would have blown up in basically each movie
MALLORY: which I feel like must have seemed SUPER innovative the first time someone did that
but now is like
come on, guy
NICOLE: I’m sorry about your family!
MALLORY: like obviously it sucks
but I don’t believe anyone could Count of Monte Cristo someone who killed their family BY ACCIDENT
That guy was pretty messed up though.
MALLORY: he sure was
NICOLE: I also knew IMMEDIATELY that voicemail was from a dead person
NICOLE: Bc no one listens to voicemails
unless the person is dead
He would be like “oh my wife called”
“I’ll call her back”
NICOLE: nah, she’s dead. so’s the kid. you’ve got some pain.
MALLORY: so Peggy dies in this movie also
NICOLE: what was his weird banter with the hotel lady for?
right right peggy
that was SO WEIRD
MALLORY: he always gets bacon and coffee!
“This is a very humanizing detail,” some studio exec said
NICOLE: lots of people eat the same breakfast every day
MALLORY: “really makes you think”
NICOLE: perhaps MOST
MALLORY: ok but so Peggy
and he already had the sad reunion with her
NICOLE: So, there was a VERY SAD SCENE in winter soldier
very very sad
MALLORY: he’s at her bedside
NICOLE: And she’s talking all great and normal and encouraging him to live in this new world
And then she coughs
And then looks at him and says (basically actual quote)
“Oh, STEVE. You came back! IT’S BEEN SO LONG AND NOW I’M SO OLD”
MALLORY: very Peter Pan
NICOLE: and he said “I couldn’t leave my best girl behind”
NICOLE: bc he’s from the forties
it was real sad
MALLORY: damn I really should have seen that other movie
NICOLE: WHICH IS WHY
WHICH IS WHY
IT WAS FUUUUCKED UP
MALLORY: THE NIECE
WHY THE FUCK
NICOLE: that he KISSED her
MALLORY: WHY DID HE KISS HER
IN A PARKING GARAGE
NICOLE: also you are GRIEVING
MALLORY: IN THE MIDDLE OF A REGULARASS CONVERSATION
NICOLE: also you are being CHASED
also you have NO CHEMISTRY
MALLORY: LIKE ONE DAY AFTER YOUR GIRLFRIEND DIED
it wasn’t even like
NICOLE: one. day.
MALLORY: the kind of conversation
NICOLE: one day
MALLORY: where you think “Oh, a kiss is coming, ugh, they don’t have a good enough reason to but I can tell it’s coming”
it was like “here’s a car,” “we’re going to go do something now,” KISS FOR SOME REASON?
NICOLE: I did not see it coming
I made a really disgusted guttural noise
Steve shushed me
MALLORY: was that the only kiss in the movie?
it was terrible
NICOLE: It was, wasn’t it
And then weirdly the red witch girl had a sexual vibe with the robot guy, right?
(Nicole’s husband, who was born in 1968, read a draft of this Movie Yelling and yelled that in the comic books, Vision and Scarlet Witch did indeed have a romance and actually got married and then she had a baby, via “magic.”)
MALLORY: oh DEFINITELY
NICOLE: okay, good
MALLORY: the brain girl and Sad Paul Bettany had GREAT chemistry
NICOLE: That was off-putting
MALLORY: I SUPER wanted them to make out
I LOVE that his entire career is just, like
British Guy Who Knows Too Much To Be Happy
NICOLE: it was like when data said “I am fully functional”
MALLORY: oh my god
NICOLE: like “yeah i can do this”
I’M CRYING NOW
NICOLE: let’s make a synthethic humanoid baby, girl
I mean it’s Tony Stark’s house, you know there are cases of lube everywhere and poppers and stuff
MALLORY: why was Pepper not in this movie?
there was a moment that was like “oh no she’s gone”
NICOLE: I mean Tony is terrible and obviously cheats on her constantly
There is no chance that man is physically faithful to her
MALLORY: so she left him?
Bc he did unleash the death robot Ultron
MALLORY: I didn’t see that either sorry
NICOLE: which was why sokovia or whatever was destroyed BUT NOT THE PLANET
I am spelling slobovian differently each time bc it is the most half-assed “fake Eastern European nation” name imaginable
MALLORY: okay so Bucky spends the whole movie being like
“I’LL DIE BEFORE I GO TO PRISON”
NICOLE: Like, good, Tony, YOU should be registered by the state definitely
His prison experiences have involved a lot of torture
That would be very traumatic
MALLORY: which is weird because he seems fairly remorseless for a guy who’s supposed to be able to remember all the killing he did?
usually in movies like this the guy is like “No, let them take me, I deserve it” and the friend is like “NO YOU ARE WORTHY OF REDEMPTION”
NICOLE: like if I were tortured and brainwashed I prob would expect people to feel real bad for me but I would still say “sorry about your mom”
MALLORY: but Bucky is just like “yeah I will gladly accept your help in beating up the world to save me from consequences”
okay we gotta get to it
NICOLE: let’s do this
MALLORY: Bucky fucking MURDER-KILLED TONY’S PARENTS
I GET that he was brainwashed
but you STILL
SAY “I’M SO SORRY, I DIDN’T MEAN IT, I’M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS”
NICOLE: like he did have a chance, too, like not while tony was trying to kill him, but when cap had tony pinned down
he could have said it then
MALLORY: like Jessica Jones brainwashed-killed Luke Cage’s wife
and she apologizes!
NICOLE: it’s the right thing to do
MALLORY: and he understands but he can still barely forgive her!
and she feels terrible remorse EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS she didn’t mean to!
and this is the SAME SITUATION
and Bucky is just like “this doesn’t need to be said”
NICOLE: Tony was still overreacting, he knows about Hydra
and his issues with being a shitty whiny son are also running the show a bit here
he should have apologized
I am Canadian, so the idea of not apologizing is very strange to me
Like if someone stole my car and killed someone with it and I had to go identify the car and the dead person’s family was there, I would say “I’m so sorry my car killed your family”
even though there is no connection with me there
So having just watched A VIDEO of yourself choking out someone’s mom
and not apologizing
that’s not cool
by the way can we movie yell about neighbors 2, before the end
on all counts
Bucky was like
literally chilling at one point
letting Steve DRIVE HIS SHIELD INTO TONY’S ACTUAL HEART
NICOLE: he is a very broken soul
MALLORY: just continuing to not apologize for Tony’s dead mom
NICOLE: Tony does not have a heart
MALLORY: and then after ALL THIS
where he’s super fucking Helen of Troy
NICOLE: Tony is here on scientific sufferance
MALLORY: and just like, “Yes, destroy worlds on my behalf”
he PUTS HIMSELF BACK IN JAIL
ALL OF THIS WAS TO AVOID JAIL
AND NOW HE IS IN ICE JAIL
NICOLE: he puts himself in FROZEN now that people are like “okay let’s figure out how to fix you” instead of potential like Nazi torture w guys who know your old control words
Like that would do a real number on me
MALLORY: the UN was going to Nazi-torture him???
NICOLE: I mean he would not know differently bc the first guy who showed up to question him immediately tranced him out w his Nazi control words
I would be VERY CONCERNED about the UN at that point
like he doesn’t know the guy killed the real UN guy, you know?
he’s just like “oh damn”
MALLORY: I mean
Bucky just seems like a real pillow princess and I don’t appreciate that
moreover he was sullen and inert
NICOLE: Note that we are not yelling about Black Panther bc all of his scenes were great
MALLORY: and you know my feelings about sullen men
MALLORY: oh yeah he was great!
he had like, mini-Wolverine claws
NICOLE: full agreement on sullen and black panther
MALLORY: and a great moment where he’s like, oh no, if I kill the guy who killed my father, there is more killing! CRISIS OF CONSCIENCE
NICOLE: oh, BIG TIME
he had a lot of self-possession
and those ace claws
MALLORY: yeah, he was great, and I think his movie will be great
NICOLE: the cast looks incredible
and ryan coogler is great
MALLORY: the li’l baby spiderman stuff was….I can’t tell if I liked it?
like obviously it’s always fun to have a fan insert
NICOLE: I was MIXED
MALLORY: “Whoa, you’re [character name]!”
“Wow, I can’t believe I’m fighting with [character name]!”
NICOLE: the actor was fun, I just don’t really enjoy children in movies
MALLORY: why wasn’t it Andrew Garfield, by the way?
NICOLE: He’s out, this is the reboot kid
MALLORY: Andrew was Spiderman for like eight seconds!
I mean, okay
NICOLE: he was real beat up about Emma Stone dying
hard to go from there
MALLORY: it was weird to me, that big airport fight, because it seemed to me like it was set up to a CURB STOMP BATTLE
but for some reason EVERYONE was equally matched
NICOLE: and ANT MAN came and was not useless
that movie was really fun
MALLORY: Paul Rudd! I’ll ALWAYS welcome him
NICOLE: like it’s not a serious movie but i laughed a bunch
MALLORY: he was great, just great
MALLORY: I welcome the Ant Man
NICOLE: oh gosh when rhodes got paralyzed, that sucked a lot
Tony didn’t get all mad at Vision or Falcon about it though
MALLORY: should he have?
NICOLE: but obviously they were fighting and the whole point was fighting
MALLORY: I thought it was Steve and Bucky who paralyzed Don Cheadle
NICOLE: it would be weird if no one got hurt
vision shot at falcon and missed
and hit don
steve and bucky had bounced
he asked vision how it had happened and vision was like “I was distracted”
prob bc of sexy red witch
MALLORY: I honestly thought for like ten minutes that Paul Bettany was Dr Manhattan
“is this universe part of the Watchmen continuity? Cool”
because I did not know who Vision was
NICOLE: there’s a lot of similarities tbh
vision was created to fight ultron
vision is tony’s computer jarvis in a robot body
MALLORY: ahahhahah that’s rad
NICOLE: oh black widow was in this movie but I don’t like her that much and don’t care
MALLORY: she seemed fine!
NICOLE: she’s fine, she should get a movie
but she’s just good at fighting
MALLORY: Jeremy Renner did not need to be in this movie
NICOLE: she doesn’t have powers
SEE ALSO. EXHIBIT B.
MALLORY: I hope Tony never forgives anyone and rebuilds the entire world in his own image
I hope Tony goes full Randian
and just murders everybody for being unworthy of him
NICOLE: he’ll prob go the other way and start meditating and stuff
drinking green juice
lure pepper back in with empty promises
MALLORY: find your bliss, man
I’m 100% pro-Tony doing what works for him
all I want is happiness for Tony
NICOLE: I want nothing more than for him to be sad forever
for the rest of his life
he is awful and he builds disgusting looking buildings with gauche interiors and gaudy wet bars