If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, you would know who exactly had wronged him, and would help him enact the occasional petty revenge. “You’re…really good at this, honey,” he’d say, with mild alarm in his voice as you prepare the glitter trap. “Scorpio, darling,” you would reply, applying the glue with intense precision. “We can’t help it.”
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, you’d constantly be running your fingers through his hair — still as lovely and lush as when he was a goddamn teen — going “How? But how? HOW?”
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, you’d be able to suss out when he was in a bad mood that day because he’d just be like, “Jesus Christ, I’m in a bad mood today.”
If Jason Bateman were you boyfriend, the fourth season of Arrested Development would’ve matched the intelligence of the rest of the show, would’ve included Maggie Lizer, and would’ve been, against all odds, completely perfect.
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, he would randomly text you the weirdest Vines and comics and jokes, the kind that make you clutch your stomach laughing at their abject strangeness. They’d never come with any warning, and would often come when you’re somewhere you have to keep it together. You’d never be able to stop yourself from clicking on them, though.
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, your only big fight would be about how you preferred Teen Wolf to Teen Wolf Too. It’s not that you don’t like both, but it’s hard not to compare them. Yes, he’s your boyfriend, but Back to the Future buys a lot of loyalty. Even Justine is on your side on this.
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, sometimes he’d start off dirty talk with “There’s always money in the banana stand.“
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, he would be fully updated on all your petty gossip, all the time. “Ugh, this person on Twitter is GARBAGE and their Twitter is LITTER ON THE FACE OF THE INTERNET,” you’d tell him. The next time you mention them, he would be like, “Oh I remember: litter on the face of the internet, right? They always reply to your jokes and yet never fave them? God, what did they do this time?”
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, he’d be as fiercely protective of your friends as you are. He’d corner your guy friend and ask him why, exactly, he wasn’t at least talking about the future with his girlfriend, but he’d also tell another friend that he liked how happy she was being single. The one time he messed up, you’d go, “Stop pushing your heterosexual agenda on Anna.” “Wait — what?” “STOP PUSHING YOUR –” “No, honey, I heard you. Oh God, do you think I should take back the Zayn album I got for her birthday?” “You — what? Hell no! There’s the heterosexual agenda, and then there’s Zayn.”
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, he’d constantly note that you buy him jeans a size too small. “Honey, I know you love that Mumford and Sons music video, but I can’t sit down.” “Alright, I’m sorry,” you’d say, sadly, grabbing the shopping bag. “Oh, uh, you know what, you can leave the suspenders.” “Yeah?” “Yeah, I mean. If you want.”
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, he’d usually handle the social niceties when it came to meeting or handling terrible people, but he’d do it with so much grace and quiet shade you’d never feel like you were pandering to jerks.
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, he’d appreciate the fact that you saw Hancock in theaters and thought he was great in it. “It was a little ahead of its time, right, what with all the superheroes and all?” he’d say. “Oh my gosh, yes! I love that Hancock puts a HEART on the MOON for you!” you’d say, sighing. You’d look up to see him staring at you with a mixture of surprise and amusement as he said, “Well, I don’t know what I was expecting.”
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, you’d sometimes flop against him when you were tired. “No, it’s fine,” he’d explain to the other party guests as you snoozed against his shoulder. “She does this sometimes, don’t worry about it.”
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, you would actually be able to get through all those SRS DRAMZ shows that you normally wouldn’t have patience for, because you’d have each other in stitches making fun of small details. Sure, you can appreciate prestige shows — you just enjoy Jason Bateman’s deadpan analysis of Daredevil’s flawed “plans” and terrible new outfit more.
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, one day you’d scroll past the animated version of Robin Hood on Netflix and mention the fact that you had a crush on Robin Hood the fox when you were a kid. “Well, that explains a lot,” he’d say. “Alright, Jason.” “Just so you know, I’m not going to dye my hair or wear any ears. I do have a green shirt though–” “Oh my God! I just liked that when I was a kid. And actually,” you’d add, triumphantly, “The Toastariet agree with me. They even like your fox, too.”
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, later that same night he would whisper, “But which fox do you think the Toastariet like better?” “JASON.”
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend he wouldn’t say a word about all your hobby enthusiasms that go slightly wrong. Like the time you took up knitting and accidentally made a hat that was too big to fit on any human’s head, or the vegetable patch that sprang forth with carrots that had too many extra limbs and looked like Cthulhu. Even when you’re bursting with jokes to cover up the failure, he’d see through your bluster to the pain underneath. He’d talk past the caustic mask you think you need to wear, to that soft person inside.
YES THANK YOU.
I had such a crush on his Silver Spoons character, so this feels like wonderful closure.
Yes please. My sexual orientation: Michael Bluth’s rolled-up shirtsleeves.
Confession: I have always had a hard time telling Jason Bateman and Nathan Fillion apart. Maybe it’s the hair? The put-upon but loveable comedic style? Their tendency to be in TV shows with bad ratings and cult followings?
I can definitely see the similarity. They are cut from the same cloth. And I would kick neither out of bed for eating crackers.
Nathan Fillion once said he got out of a speeding ticket by pretending to be Jason Bateman!!!
If Jason Bateman were my boyfriend, he’d drive the stair car for real.
Hop-ons…. heh…
So much love.
Ohhh Toast, you break and buoy my heart daily all at once. Too witches for this world. Where else could I find such witch fulfillment?
(forgive me for that, but where will I pun? where will I ever pun in the post-Toast universe???)
Jason Bateman in Juno was my sexual orientation for all of 2008-9. I’m only somewhat sorry.
Whereas I’ve never seen Arrested Development (I know) so when I saw this I was like ‘ughhhh, why are we squeeing about that annoying manchild from Juno?’
NOT SORRY. I too felt exactly the same way and am only now mildly creeped out by it.
“Scorpio, darling,” you would reply, applying the glue with intense precision. “We can’t help it.”
I mean I regularly have this conversation with people I’m not dating, so it’s not a stretch…
Well! We can’t, it’s just a law of the universe.
said the girl as she slowly pushed the hall closet door closed, gradually concealing from view a 50-gallon drum marked “INDUSTRIAL GLITTER, COARSE GRADE” and another marked “Sugar-free gummy bears”
If we wanted to help it, we wouldn’t really be Scorpios, would we?
well, i’m a capricorn, but i’d be REALLY good at planning the detail work and checking the details after someone else did the heavy lifting.
“You know, some people… send flowers, or cards, or… give people hugs. I… make sure their paperwork’s all in order. “
*sigh* My hero!
Oh, Henry… *hearteyes*
How do these always seem to get to the essential truth of these people? HOW? It’s black magic! (Except the Ted Cruz one, which I can only assume happened because you were trying to make the pain of our parting easier by doing something horrifying.)
Hey, c’mon now, I think the Ted Cruz one got to his essential truth very well.
I don’t want to think about Ted Cruz’s essential truth!
Aww 🙂
Ok but Teen Wolf Too is (loosely) based on my dad (not him being a werewolf though, so don’t get excited, sorry). Therefore it is clearly better than the one based on my uncle, and also I can never be attracted to Jason Bateman, no matter how great a boyfriend he would be.
This is very fair but what I’m getting from this is your dad is not a werewolf but also he might be a werewolf??? How is Teen Wolf Too based on him? Very curious!
Yes, please expound!!
The guy who wrote the movies was high school friends with my dad and uncle. He took their names, the sports they played, songs they liked, that surfing on a van thing, stuff like that. No one in my family is a werewolf, alas.
That last sentence is exactly what a werewolf would say, though.
I did not really know Jason Bateman before AD, but I just love Michael Bluth so much. Any and all of the Bluths actually. I will always be interested in what everyone from that show is doing.
I recently realized almost every actor who was on AD is forever their character from AD to me, regardless of what they did before and after (exceptions apply for Julia Louis-Dreifus and Charlize Theron, but that’s it). I’m happy with that.
I didn’t realize until I read the following that Jason Bateman is my soul mate:
“Ugh, this person on Twitter is GARBAGE and their Twitter is LITTER ON THE FACE OF THE INTERNET,” you’d tell him. The next time you mention them, he would be like, “Oh I remember: litter on the face of the internet, right? They always reply to your jokes and yet never fave them? God, what did they do this time?”
This is not what I expected! But I’m good with it.
Mindy feel free to DM me about these people whenever you want
“He’d talk past the caustic mask you think you need to wear, to that soft person inside.”
Sigh.
Right?
And with that I was on the floor
(I’m pretty sure his hair is no longer his own hair if you know what I mean I’m so sorry I still think this is a great piece)
(heh, “piece”)
(I’m so so sorry)
“He’d talk past the caustic mask you think you need to wear, to that soft person inside.”
I am not a Jason Bateman fan, but this. This made me swoon.
“Oh I remember: litter on the face of the internet, right?”
and
“But which fox do you think the Toastariet like better?”
read it in perfect, precise, razor-sharp, exactly his tone. Fantastic job.
*squees and flails*
If Jason Bateman were my boyfriend, on the rare occasions he was sad or angry, I’d cheer him up by doing a chicken dance.
If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, it would get so the second he got a little frustrated, you could emit the quietest little ‘bawk’ and he would try not to, but his grin would spread over his face regardless.
NOT SORRY. I too felt exactly the same way and am only now mildly creeped out by it.
AUDIBLE GASP
That last sentence is exactly what a werewolf would say, though.
I’ve always known I’ve had a crush on Jason Bateman since the 80s, but I only now just realized I’m in love with him. Bless you.
If Jason Bateman were my boyfriend, I would casually drop a bag of Trader Joe’s Thai Curry-Lime cashews on our kitchen counter and say, “For you, babe.” He would then gently cradle my face in his hands, press his nose to mine and whisper “Never. Leave. Me.”