If Jason Bateman Were Your Boyfriend -The Toast

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If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, you would know who exactly had wronged him, and would help him enact the occasional petty revenge. “You’re…really good at this, honey,” he’d say, with mild alarm in his voice as you prepare the glitter trap. “Scorpio, darling,” you would reply, applying the glue with intense precision. “We can’t help it.”

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, you’d constantly be running your fingers through his hair — still as lovely and lush as when he was a goddamn teen — going “How? But how? HOW?”

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, you’d be able to suss out when he was in a bad mood that day because he’d just be like, “Jesus Christ, I’m in a bad mood today.”

If Jason Bateman were you boyfriend, the fourth season of Arrested Development would’ve matched the intelligence of the rest of the show, would’ve included Maggie Lizer, and would’ve been, against all odds, completely perfect.

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, he would randomly text you the weirdest Vines and comics and jokes, the kind that make you clutch your stomach laughing at their abject strangeness. They’d never come with any warning, and would often come when you’re somewhere you have to keep it together. You’d never be able to stop yourself from clicking on them, though.

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, your only big fight would be about how you preferred Teen Wolf to Teen Wolf Too. It’s not that you don’t like both, but it’s hard not to compare them. Yes, he’s your boyfriend, but Back to the Future buys a lot of loyalty. Even Justine is on your side on this.

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, sometimes he’d start off dirty talk with “There’s always money in the banana stand.

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, he would be fully updated on all your petty gossip, all the time. “Ugh, this person on Twitter is GARBAGE and their Twitter is LITTER ON THE FACE OF THE INTERNET,” you’d tell him. The next time you mention them, he would be like, “Oh I remember: litter on the face of the internet, right? They always reply to your jokes and yet never fave them? God, what did they do this time?”

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, he’d be as fiercely protective of your friends as you are. He’d corner your guy friend and ask him why, exactly, he wasn’t at least talking about the future with his girlfriend, but he’d also tell another friend that he liked how happy she was being single. The one time he messed up, you’d go, “Stop pushing your heterosexual agenda on Anna.” “Wait — what?” “STOP PUSHING YOUR –” “No, honey, I heard you. Oh God, do you think I should take back the Zayn album I got for her birthday?” “You — what? Hell no! There’s the heterosexual agenda, and then there’s Zayn.”

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, he’d constantly note that you buy him jeans a size too small. “Honey, I know you love that Mumford and Sons music video, but I can’t sit down.” “Alright, I’m sorry,” you’d say, sadly, grabbing the shopping bag. “Oh, uh, you know what, you can leave the suspenders.” “Yeah?” “Yeah, I mean. If you want.”

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, he’d usually handle the social niceties when it came to meeting or handling terrible people, but he’d do it with so much grace and quiet shade you’d never feel like you were pandering to jerks.

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If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, he’d appreciate the fact that you saw Hancock in theaters and thought he was great in it. “It was a little ahead of its time, right, what with all the superheroes and all?” he’d say. “Oh my gosh, yes! I love that Hancock puts a HEART on the MOON for you!” you’d say, sighing. You’d look up to see him staring at you with a mixture of surprise and amusement as he said, “Well, I don’t know what I was expecting.”

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, you’d sometimes flop against him when you were tired. “No, it’s fine,” he’d explain to the other party guests as you snoozed against his shoulder. “She does this sometimes, don’t worry about it.”

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, you would actually be able to get through all those SRS DRAMZ shows that you normally wouldn’t have patience for, because you’d have each other in stitches making fun of small details. Sure, you can appreciate prestige shows — you just enjoy Jason Bateman’s deadpan analysis of Daredevil’s flawed “plans” and terrible new outfit more.

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, one day you’d scroll past the animated version of Robin Hood on Netflix and mention the fact that you had a crush on Robin Hood the fox when you were a kid. “Well, that explains a lot,” he’d say. “Alright, Jason.” “Just so you know, I’m not going to dye my hair or wear any ears. I do have a green shirt though–” “Oh my God! I just liked that when I was a kid. And actually,” you’d add, triumphantly, “The Toastariet agree with me. They even like your fox, too.”

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend, later that same night he would whisper, “But which fox do you think the Toastariet like better?” “JASON.”

If Jason Bateman were your boyfriend he wouldn’t say a word about all your hobby enthusiasms that go slightly wrong. Like the time you took up knitting and accidentally made a hat that was too big to fit on any human’s head, or the vegetable patch that sprang forth with carrots that had too many extra limbs and looked like Cthulhu. Even when you’re bursting with jokes to cover up the failure, he’d see through your bluster to the pain underneath. He’d talk past the caustic mask you think you need to wear, to that soft person inside.

Sulagna Misra writes about the weird things that pop into her head when she's not paying attention. She's on Twitter so she can not pay attention more effectively.

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