This post brought to you by kidcandrive.com, where you can watch short films and fill, for a short time, the void left by The Toast’s impending absence.
Jaya: but also, and I know this is BOTHERSOME, but if a boy I liked just showed up in my room shirtless when I was 16 I would absolutely be DTF
Matt: I’m glad that media is finally recognizing how horny ALL teens are. 20 years ago
Jaya: We were all such horny little monsters!!!
And yet there is no sign of the underground sex trade that would have almost certainly sprung up by the time of the third dude’s arrival. You’re telling me that a society run by desperate, unsupervised teen males wouldn’t have, at the very least, a jerkoff hut? That no femme-y, enterprising young twink decided he’d get out of latrine duty by growing his hair long, staining his cheeks with some berry juice, and trading sex for chores and also possibly puka-shell necklaces? STUFF AND NONSENSE.
This puts me in the awkward position of insisting a movie about teen death to have more of a focus on the underground male sex economy, which is not to say I needed a scene of a bunch of unwashed teens Doing It instead of flinging themselves down Murder Corridors; I merely point out that if you lock a bunch of dudes in their late teens in a forest and come back three years later, the prettiest one will have his own special treehouse castle and never lift a finger.
Nicole: NOPE! Because this movie never disappoints! It knew what we wanted: incest siblings. Pale, wan incest siblings. Genes that needed airing out.
Now, let’s talk about Tom.
Mallory: I WANTED TO KICK HIS TEETH IN SO MUCH.
Nicole: I finally understand Tom Hiddleston as a Thing now, which I never had before! So spindly and greasy, so un-Thor.
You were SO MEAN about him.
Mallory: Remember how I kept hissing “KICK HIS TEETH IN” whenever he was on screen?
Nicole: You really did! And my lip was wobbling and I wanted to redeem him so badly.
Mallory: uuugh, his courtship of Edith was so FEEBLE
Nicole: He changed his mind about being terrible at LEAST 15 minutes before the end
Mallory: with his shitty Lyle Lanley business plan
“I’ve sold clay machines to Ogdenville, Brockway, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map!”
Nicole: I WAS THE ONE who pointed out the Monorail thing!
IT WAS ME
Mallory: he practically FAINTED every time someone disagreed with him
Nicole: You are a GRIFTER.
“I don’t know, man, there were some really great moments in the movie but they were punctuated by eight hours of just filming the back of some kid’s head and a lot of dialogue that felt like it was super impressed with itself. “Tither gone the mickle prayn’t, Motherling?” Like, yes, those words are VERY old, okay??”
Mallory: oh, I believed it
EVIL WARLORD GUY: if you are trying to control a populace through careful distribution of precious resources
then you ORGANIZE THE CITIZENRY INTO EASILY IDENTIFIABLE GROUPS who come get a carefully allotted amount of water at a specific time every day
you don’t just TURN ON A SKULL FAUCET and wait twenty seconds
Shrill: it basically would have been a movie about the Fremen
Mallory: most of that water was absorbed right back into the rock!
that was INEFFICACIOUS
Shrill: but it’s super effective if you’re more concerned with being ostentatious and flamboyant and putting on a display of your power
Mallory: this dude’s evil society was SUPER INEFFICIENT
which I think was my main problem
there was an ENORMOUS warrior caste
where are they getting the protein to bulk all these dudes up?
Shrill: here’s the thing, Mallory: who cares
Mallory: No, but I HAVE to care, not because I’m pedantic, but because they introduced the problem of food resources when they showed the most muscular character DRINKING HUMAN BREASTMILK FOR SUSTENANCE
that is such a poor use of resources!
you’d be better off just feeding him the calories directly, instead of feeding a bunch of women in that weird lactation chamber, and then feeding the subsequent breastmilk to him, there is a REASON women only nurse children for the first few months or years of their lives; you can’t nurse a platoon of grown men indefinitely! Even Rose of Sharon only nursed that one dying guy for like a MINUTE in Grapes of Wrath!
And then they sometimes use breast milk as an engine coolant! JUST PISS ON IT INSTEAD
Mallory: this movie had TWO SCENES WHERE CHANNING TATUM CRASHED A SPACESHIP TO KEEP MILA KUNIS FROM SIGNING A DOCUMENT
they went back to a VERY SPECIFIC WELL
Mallory: everything about this movie felt like watching a Scientology video
Shrill: every time a character opened their mouths it sounded like a speech about midichlorians
Mallory: I had to look up whether the Wachowskis were Scientologists like four times just to prove that they weren’t
Shrill: seriously, I feel like I can’t exactly be sure that I haven’t been brainwashed
it had all these non-sensical details that had nothing to do with the plot and only make sense to include if you’re trying to form a religion
“The premise of Dracula Untold is “What if Dracula was just a really good dad, you guys?” and that is more than enough premise for me. I am a very simple woman, and always have been, ever since I was a very simple child. I like movies set in vaguely medieval castle-towns. I like movies about guys who all they want to do is go back to their farms and wives a la Cincinnatus but dammit the world just won’t let them. I like movies about guys who impale a lot of people on pikes, and then there’s fog, and I like movies where enemies have to have a lot of meetings in each other’s war tents while drinking coffee and acting civilized, and Dracula Untold delivered. If you think that you are too good for a movie where a man turns into very many bats and then punches a lot of guys with his giant bat-fists, then I don’t know what you’re doing on this website or in my life. You’re not too good for it, I can assure you.”
MALLORY: They were never going to film the Thrawn trilogy. And I, you know, knew that, and I thought I had accepted it, mostly, when they got rid of the Expanded Universe canon – which was in many ways not a bad idea! They’d saddled themselves with a ton of Epileptic Trees! But it turns out, I had some more grieving to do.
MA’ALLORY: I would rather have watched Admiral Pellaeon’s noble surrender of the Imperial Remnant than an inexplicable Nazi rally on a third Death Star, yes. I won’t apologize for that.
These were the words of my dream:
“You’ve got to Pompeii to play, bitch.”
“Oh my God, who is that? I’d like to ride his Trojan horse, if you know what I mean.”
“That’s Quintus. He’s the best fighter in school. Stay away from him. He’s got a Roman nose…and roaming hands.”
“I just want to be a Spartacus of something special.”
“He’s a real Herculpaineum.”
“Why are they calling her fat? Did they just call her fat? That’s ridiculous. Is this supposed to be a joke? She’s rail-thin.”
“She’s gaunt. This doesn’t make any sense.”
On Anne Hathaway: “I like her, but there was no reason to give her that Oscar.” [My mother: “She was wonderful. She sang that song so expressively.”] “She ruined that song.”
“There’s no coffee in any of those coffee cups. Look, you can tell by the way she’s holding it. It’s just an empty cup.”
EXT. DAY. MARK and CHANNING are sprinting merrily through the woods, giggling and leaping over one another and talking about their feelings. There is a beautiful red fox in the distance with a puffy tail.
MARK RUFFALO: What are you going to do with your fox once you catch it?
CHANNING TATUM: I’m not sure. I mean, cuddle the shit out of the little dude, for sure, at least at first. But I dunno what I’ll do, like, forever with him, fox-wise. Lemme think about it. [CHANNING removes his shirt and shoes.]
MARK RUFFALO: What are you doing?
CHANNING TATUM: This helps me think. Someone told me that taking your shirt and shoes off helps you think better.
The titular academic vampires regularly attend vampire church. Vampire church. THEY GO TO VAMPIRE CHURCH ON SUNDAY NIGHTS. They are literally attending MIDNIGHT SABBATS, which is like the canonical, medieval definition of satanic but it’s supposed to be a good thing.
I — look, I don’t even have a particularly vested interest in vampire mythology, but I feel like we have to agree as a race that certain vampiric characteristics are immutable lest we devolve into total vampire relativism. It’s a slippery slope! Vampires that go to church and walk on holy ground? I don’t want to wake up in ten years and have to see a movie about werewolves who are for all intents and purposes Cylons, or whatever. You cannot be both a vampire and a regular churchgoer. I must draw the line, and I draw it here.
Also, their vampire priest stands in an Episcopalian-style pulpit while wearing Greek Orthodox vestments. Their Christ figure appears to be St. Vladimir, which is fine except for what is he a saint of? Is he a Catholic saint? Is this like, a post-Vatican II thing? What religion was he? Are they that religion too, or do they just worship Vladimir?
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.