The free weights were in back of the gym, which meant I had to walk a gauntlet of giant, muscular men all grunting and yelling and slamming weights to reach the empty squat racks. Thankfully they were all empty or I might’ve walked out, unwilling to wait, unwilling to loiter near the intimidating men. I struggled to move the 45-pound bar to a height that could work for me, panicking momentarily when it felt so heavy being hefted by my scrawny noodle arms, but after stepping into the rack you can’t leave without squatting; that would be ridiculous. I stepped under the bar, and the moment my hands gripped the knurling, the knurling gripped my traps — there was nothing but me and the iron. I took a deep breath and I squatted. I stood back up without falling over and I grinned.
I started lifting in May of 2013. I was 23, just starting a pre-med post-bac program that was going to lead to medical school. I had quit my job as a preschool teacher, where I’d spent the past seven months overeating out of anxiety and boredom because there’s not much else you can do when you’re watching two-year-olds all day. When none of my clothes fit comfortably I decided to change my body instead of buying new ones, because I loathe shopping for clothes.
Running-loathing millennial that I am, I started to Google. Somehow I found this Nerd Fitness post about a powerlifter named Staci. The idea you could change your body composition without running was news to me, and Staci was close enough to my height and weight that her progress seemed attainable. So I kept reading. I bought Starting Strength. I watched form videos until I realized all I was really doing was procrastinating.
Starting Strength is (on the internet) the Beginner’s Bible for powerlifting. I’ve since gotten different advice and cues from other programs and more importantly from my coach, but it was an excellent starting resource for someone with social anxiety who didn’t have anyone to ask at the time. The most important thing I took from it was the importance of checking your ego at the door. Start with “just the bar.” Add weight every week; keep progressing until you can’t.
That’s what kept me going back three times a week: “I want to see if I’m stronger!” Weight loss stopped being the goal almost immediately, but I kept lifting and started eating a ton of protein and dropped 15 pounds in 12 weeks. The lifting cleared my mind and helped me stay organized, both new experiences for me and my ADHD-affected mind.
I met a boy, and at the same time I was dumped by my best friend. Outside the gym my mind would race — I’d be full of anxiety, anger, betrayal — but in the gym, with the iron in my hands, there wasn’t space for that. I coped. I managed. I fell in love with the boy. The boy loved me, too. He understood me. I’ve mostly had the same friends since I was seven and never felt I needed new ones — I never felt comfortable or understood by new ones — yet both of us were immediately comfortable with each other. I was already happy when I met him, but sharing my joy with a partner was a new experience. It was easy. We liked easy. It seems silly to say that we fell in love immediately, but we did.
Then I was in a car crash and I couldn’t lift. The entire left side of my body hurt. My wrists hurt. My hip would hurt if I squatted past parallel. The doctor said I needed to take time off and heal, but it took eight months — eight months off can wreck your confidence and all your gains. Starting over is often more difficult than starting.
I did it, though, and when I achieved a 180-pound deadlift I decided I needed a coach because I was worried about injuring myself. I had found a coach who specialized in training women on Instagram and decided to meet her. She asked what my max squat was, and I told her: “135 pounds.” She said, “I think you’re stronger than that.”
I was. It surprised me. December 2014, when I met my coach, is when I tell people I became a powerlifter.
The early months of 2015 were hard. I started a new job, two people very dear to me died, the boy and I moved in together, and he was informed he’d be out of a job soon. My grief was overwhelming and my partner was ill-equipped to handle it in the midst of his own crisis.
At first I kept lifting, preparing for a meet in June. I would lift and I would cry and I would fail a lift and I would cry and I would hit a personal record and I would cry. When you have a coping mechanism that works well enough, sometimes it can stop you from getting the help you need. We needed help. Neither of us sought it; neither of us had enough clarity to see that the other desperately needed it.
My partner and I used to talk about the future. Six months earlier we had talked about getting married one day; talked about building a life together with excitement, not panic. The uncertainty with his job was causing him stress, and he took it out on me. He blamed me for keeping him from his friends. I retreated, hoping if we could just get through his job stress, we could figure out how to go on. We signed another lease anyway. I wasn’t lifting anymore.
I am loud. I am muscular. I am queer. I am passionate. I spent months trying to be less, trying to be enough for him while also not being “too much.” I cooked dinner for him, hoping that would remove a stressor from his life. I socialized with other people more often, and tried to encouraged him to do the same. He wouldn’t, and it was still my fault, somehow. Somehow my existence made him feel like he couldn’t do anything. I did my best to stay out of his way, hoping he would see how hard I was trying.
I wasn’t happy. So late in the year, in November, I started lifting again, in part because it kept me out of our house. I’d lost the gains I made before, and I was frustrated by having to start over again. But I was trying to love my body again, love its strength, even though my partner had rejected it time and time again. Lifting made me strong. Lifting made me care less.
By December I couldn’t do it anymore. He was giving me nothing. We broke up and I broke down. I was grieving — not the breakup, but the betrayal, the time lost, the manipulation. The promises never explicitly given, so no one could accuse him of breaking them. The feeling that despite trying to find someone unlike my father, I ended up with a partner with exactly the same fucking issues I’ve been battling my whole life.
Two days after we break up, I go to the gym, dragged there by a friend under pretense: “I want to learn to lift, come with me!” I pull 235 pounds, the most I’ve pulled in six months, and I cry. It’s the first time I feel like maybe I’m going to be okay.
Healing is not immediate. The physical and the emotional pain, they both heal a bit, and then something scrapes the scab off and you bleed again. Planning my next workout is my version of “one day at a time.” It keeps me from walking into traffic. I see my lifting progress and cling to that physical manifestation of my strength, because often I can’t find anything emotionally or mentally.
It never gets easier, you just get stronger.
When I lift, there’s no room for anything else. Midfoot under the bar, feet shoulder width apart, grab the bar, shoulder blades in back pockets, take the slack out, DEEP BREATH, pull back through the heels. Powerlifting is as mental as it is physical. There’s no space for wanting to die.
Soon I’m training for a meet again. My coach, Katie, is planning my lifts. She has all of us check our one-rep maximums a couple weeks before the meet, so I’m testing my deadlift. I’ve already squatted 225 pounds this week, which matched a lifetime personal record, so I’m feeling confident in the way that only moving heavy shit can make me feel.
I want a lifetime deadlift personal record, so I look at one of the other coaches and tell him I want to try 260. He counters with 255 and I accept, because that’s still 5 pounds more than I’ve ever lifted. I pull, I get stuck at my knees, but I pull through. Grinding through a lift is more rewarding than when they come easy. Not quitting when things get hard is new to me.
I just laugh at the top, and it’s pure joy.
Now it’s June. I’m still seeing a doctor for my anxiety and depression, but I don’t want to die anymore. I lift three to five times a week because it brings me joy, and because endorphins are one hell of a drug. I stepped on the powerlifting platform in April during a competition and a judge said, “I love how you come up smiling, just happy to lift.”
I do love lifting. I love it with a strength and dedication I didn’t know I was capable of. I love how much of what I learn in training is applicable to real life. The only deadlift advice I can ever remember is “it is always hard.” You add weight slowly, but progress in some way every session. Eventually you plateau and you need to do something different, more in line with your goals. This is growth. This is progress. This is not failure.
Oh, this is just wonderful.
I’m not even a month into my powerlifting practice, but I never imagined how rewarding it could be.
I was on my high school girls weight-lifting team. We did different lifts (bench and clean&jerk), but I cannot begin to tell you how becoming a technically skilled lifter, and just STRONG teen girl built my sense of personal power. There’s just nothing like it.
Same. I was only on the team my senior year and regretted not joining earlier. I’m getting back into strength training and it feels so good.
I love this post.
This is beautiful, touching, and motivating. You have come so far, physically and emotionally. I kind of want to go find a gym now too and see what happens.
I want you to do that, too! (although maybe go with a coach or SOMEONE who knows what they’re doing to help you not injure yourself)
This post will be shared with every lifter I coach, forever. It is so awesome! You are awesome, and strong.
PL nerd question time: what fed(s) do you lift in? What competitions do you have coming up? Have you seen all of the amazing lifts from IPF worlds this past week?!?
<3
I’ve only lifted in RPS because they’re pretty low-key (did a push-pull meet two weeks ago and pulled 275 which was VERY exciting) BUT I just registered for my first USAPL meet in September!
I haven’t seen the lifts but obviously now that you mention it I’m going to do that instead of anything else.
I’m sharing links w/ everybody. There were SO MANY good lifters and lifts. Here are a couple of my favorites:
Kim Walford winning the 74 Kg class
Isabella von Weissenberg setting the 74 Kg squat world record
Ray Williams being… amazing, crushing a 438 Kg (965 lbs) WR squat like it was an empty bar
Bonica Lough squatting a new 84+Kg WR of (I think) 612 lbs. (I can’t find the vid! I’ll update if I do)
David Ricks squatting an Open-class world record 693 lbs. as a 57-year old masters powerlifter
Re: feds, it’s all good, lifting with feds that are close by and friendly is the way to go. I mostly lift in the USAPL, but I lifted last weekend in the USPA, and I must say they were very friendly (plus 24 hour weigh ins!). 🙂
Also, wait: You pulled 275? You look like maybe a 57 or 63Kg lifter? So basically you are strong AF is what you are saying.
HAH yes I weighed in at 131.8 (RPS does a 132lb weight class) and pulled 275 PRETTY easy! (I can get 300 off the ground but can’t lock it out YET)
That is on its way to a national-lifter number, FYI. There were a lot of pulls in the low-to-mid 300s at USAPL Raw Nationals last year (that’s the 138-lb class); there were some sub-300 as well.
Hypothetically speaking, if you were to qualify for nats in that class, you’d be competing against Jennifer Thompson, which in itself would be amazing (since she is superhuman)!
I’m just sayin’… 🙂
UGHHHH I want it!!! Motivation to get to the gym tonight!!!
AMAZING
PS: I shared this article w/ Staci
Oh, this is great. Thank you, Alyssa.
I lifted consistently for about 3 years before a career change & interstate move drew me away from the iron. I’m inching closer to it again, but feeling apprehensive about my lost strength. This post makes me feel like I can rediscover it.
Don’t think of it as “dang, I lost my strength,” think of it as “Woot! I get to experience some novice gainz again!” 🙂
lol this is exactly what I think when I have to take a break! I’ve been lifting on and off for 14 years now. After my first pregnancy (didn’t lift for over a year) I was really bummed at having lost all that strength, but I actually made big gains when I got back to the gym and so quickly! Subsequent pregnancies and injuries I have been recontextualizing as “fun opportunities to make big gains when I can get back! Maybe I can break my bench plateau this time!”
I hope you do!! it’s hard to come back after a break. SO HARD. but so worth it.
“That’s what kept me going back three times a week: “I want to see if I’m stronger!” Weight loss stopped being the goal almost immediately…”
I wanted to highlight this part because it was true for me as well. After I started lifting, I began to feel myself care less and less about what others thought of my body as my attention was directed inward. How strong can I get? How powerful can I make myself feel? To the extent that I did still care about other people (for the most part; patriarchy is a hell of a drug), it was less “Am I acceptable?” and more “How impressed will these strangers be when I carry all these groceries out in one trip without a cart?” (Probably they didn’t care, but you know.)
yes! seconded!
also, I didn’t lose weight.
sometimes, once you stop caring about your weight and just focus on fitness, you end up losing weight anyway. but sometimes, all that happens is that you get more fit. it’s still pretty awesome.
the first time I bench pressed 100lbs, I felt like a total badass, and the fact that I weighed over 200lbs while I did it did not diminish that feeling in the least. 🙂
Oh, yeah, I didn’t either! If anything, I gained weight. Probably muscle mass, but who cares either way? Not me, when I can leg press 1000 pounds.
I’ve been vaaaguely following Stronglifts 5×5 since maybe December of last year, and years prior to that had read a ton of form stuff on Stumptuous. Gym/lifting is so, so, so much more about my mental health and physical strength than about weight loss — IF I lose weight, it’s a happy byproduct of doing things that push me, but it’s not the goal.
My current bench is 75#, after struggling for a long time to get comfortable with the empty bar. My overhead press has just recently graduated from 45 to 50 to 55 pounds, and I feel like a BEAST being able to press ANY bar over my head, given how hard THAT was a few months ago. When I get there, benching 100 pounds is gonna be AWESOME. I have shitty, grind-y knees and one of my hips started complaining about my 100# squats, so for a while I stopped squatting to rehab the hip, and I’m still skittish about building the weight back up. But the iron and the sweat are there for ME, for my lil’ baby gains and for my sanity, and it’s the best.
I live for stories like this, and Alyssa’s. You are a badass!
I actually gained 10 lbs. the first year I lifted – I had never done a strength sport so I was laying on muscle like nobody’s business! I continue to gain weight, and continue to gain strength, so who cares?!?
Raw and personal…amazing💪 You are a beautiful person thank you for sharing
I am so incredibly happy for you! You honestly have no idea. Tears, TEARS! at my desk right now. You are strong and amazing and I wish I could cheer for you in person at your next meet.
This piece is one of the many, many reasons I’m going to miss The Toast. Thank you for sharing it, Alyssa. Lifting without a doubt changed my life. I spent most of my life trying everything possible to be skinny. I managed to recover from the eating disorder, but I never felt at home in my body until I started powerlifting. I gained at least thirty pounds of muscle (and had a few relatively minor freakouts about my new pants size) and have never felt stronger, happier, more at peace with who I am and what my body can do. I enjoy taking up space now.
<3 learning not be ashamed of taking up space was an amazing part for me!! I’m so glad it resonated.
“I enjoy taking up space now.”
Me too! Among other things, I am way more comfortable in sleeveless shirts now – oh, does this look like flab to you? These are gunz that can bench press 125lbs.! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!
You’re so damn cool – I’m throughly impressed with your spirit and also, inspired. Hear that, world? I’m coming at you, strength!
I know of a gym in your new neighborhood. And Sus needs a training partner…
Damn, I was afraid you’d see this and then I’d feel actually accountable. 🙂
For real I will ask you about it when we’re back from vacation.
<3
This is why I’m going to miss The Toast 🙁
Among many reasons.
I know.
Hey, are you on Toastie Slack? Everyone should go there, it’s excellent.
I’m on there right now 🙂
I love thism
Reminds me of Nia Shanks’ philosophy (& my original inspo Stumptuous) about “don’t try to make yourself less, make yourself more! Be the most awesome you possible!”
This is wonderful. I’m so happy lifting helps you! You aren’t the only person sho has said this. Getting stronger helps me feel better too ever though I can’t power lift due to MS. But even a little progress feels like a lot. Writing like this is one more reason why I will miss the Toast.
So…is this a way to exercise that doesn’t involve moving very much (like running, jogging, all that crap)? Because I really hate moving, but I know I need to exercise 🙁
There’s a fair amount of moving, but mostly in short bursts, which I find helps. And there’s not much jiggling, if that’s part of your dislike of running (it is definitely part of mine). Basically, you will get sweaty and out of breath, but most of the time the longest you’ll have to keep doing stuff while sweaty and out of breath is “5 more reps” and then you can sit down and catch your breath and have some water.
Yes!! I hate the jiggling (boobs make it worse) and constant movement for long periods of time. But this sounds super fulfilling in a very visceral way and immediate way.
As Gimli says, “I’m wasted on cross-country! We dwarves are natural sprinters – very dangerous over short distances.”
Whoops I meant to reply to you and instead started a new comment because I’m not used to this heh
A-yup, way less bouncing around than running/jogging! I am pretty busty and chafe something fierce in the thigh region, and lifting is definitely more comfortable than running for those issues.
My lifting friends and I often joke that we do powerlifting because we’re lazy! It’s a bit of a joke because you still have to show up which is hard in itself but my programming is often only 3 or 5 reps for 3 or 5 sets and I’ll take long breaks in between. It’s been SUPER good for me because I hate running and jumping and all that (great for you supposedly) nonsense but love lifting.
My brother and father are both competitive powerlifters, and I’m pretty sure that a lot of this applies to them. Certainly there was a time where my brother’s workouts were the only thread that was keeping him connected to the rest of us.
My swimming (along with lexapro) keeps my anxiety in check. The pool lane is my own personal isolation chamber, and I do my best thinking underwater.
Like you, I don’t care how much I weigh. I care about my 100m time, and if I can get the wiggle out of my backstroke.
This is beautiful. I cried all the way through. I have been lifting on and off for 14 years and I love it so much and your experiences are part of why – the quiet space with the bar, the constant challenge, “it never gets easier, you just get stronger.” So moving.
Can I ask what may seem like a silly question? What do you do for spots on bench press? I fail on my last set…not a lot, but not infrequently, especially when I’m going up in weight. I don’t have a lifting partner anymore, so I don’t do bench much these days because I don’t relish the idea of asking a random meat-headed bro (my gym is crawling with them and not much else) to spot me. What’s a tiny girl to do?
I train alone most of the time, so I simply put a bench into the power rack and use the safety pins there to save me. 🙂
If you set the pins so that the bar rests on them when your back is flat, then the bar shouldn’t hit them when you bench with even a small arch in your back. But even if it does hit the pins, better that than getting stapled with no one to help. :/
I used to do the ask a random bro, but 1) I don’t trust them to spot me properly and 2) it always opened me up to unsolicited advice. Now I do what GruntledDave suggested: bench in a power rack. It has definitely helped me. No more relying on random people and no more fear of pushing the weight in case I get stuck.
This is a rude thing to do but it will keep you safe so whatevs. Leave the clip off one side of the bar. If you get stuck, tip the bar to the side and dump the weight. It makes a lot of noise and you might drop a weight on someone’s toe, but, you know, pay attention.
LOVE IT
Thanks for this, for your honesty and your willingness to share. I found powerlifting after many years of trying to find “my sport” and the mental and emotional shifts I have make because of it are equal to the physical ones. I dove into barbell sports following a very difficult life transition(breakup/move/loss of friends/career shift) and it helped me cultivate more boldness surrounding my life choices. I shifted from working all the time to pursuing my passions and creativity, I’ve built friendships with strong women instead of investing all my emotional energy in one guy, and I am better able to stand up for myself in the face of adversity. I still get a lot of grief from family, aquaintainces and coworkers about “getting too muscular”, looking “unladylike” and “hurting myself”, but I’m fortunate to be a part of a culture that encourages women to be strong, regardless of appearance, background and ability.
I just signed up for Nerd Fitness Academy because of you!! Thanks 😀
I’ve just had to put a pause on weight lifting because I tweaked my knee at the beginning of the month. I’d gotten up to 100 pounds squatting and 95 deadlifting using StrongLifts 5×5. I can’t wait to get better and back to the weight room! Swimming is not a good substitute!
“It never gets easier, you just get stronger.”
This just knocks me out. It is so, so good. I know I’ll be pulling it out again and again, telling it to myself when life is getting to be too much. Thank you for sharing this piece with us.
I love being your friend and now I’m ever more inspired by you after reading this than I already was from being your friend on the tweets and the MFP. <3 <3
I love this piece so much.
One of the first pieces I ever loved on The Toast was Hieu Truong’s “How I Learned to Love Pumping Iron” ( http://the-toast.net/2014/04/28/pumping-iron/ ), posted a little over two years ago. I’m so happy to see this topic visited in the last week of The Toast, and in such a moving and personal way. Thanks for sharing this. I think I might have to try power lifting.
This is a great story of the power of incremental perseverance, even when that means getting knocked off track and having to go back and cover the same ground again. You’re demonstrating the benefit of doing something you love, that yields “pure joy” as you put it. Turns out doing that is good for you, too. Heck yeah. “This is growth. This is progress. This is not failure.” Seems applicable to life in general.
I read this yesterday, and then I came back to reread it today, because it’s so good and I needed to read it again. Thanks for writing and sharing this.
Same thing happened to me too. It was so much inspirational that I had to come back and reread the whole post check weather I have missed something or not.
This may actually be the most important post to me on The Toast. (Which is funny, because the Toast is also what got me even thinking about barbell strength training at all.) I love this, and it resonates with me to a degree that I can’t properly express. Just…yes.
This may actually be the most important post to me on The Toast. (Which is funny, because the Toast is also what got me even thinking about barbell strength training at all.) I love this, and it resonates with me to a degree that I can't properly express. Just…yes.
Genuine question: does being a lifter require the paleo thing? I’m vegan with zero plans to change that, and it seems like every article I read where a woman starts lifting, she also goes paleo, and that’s just not going to happen.
Nahhh. To advance past a certain point, you’ll need to start adding muscle, which does require a high-protein diet, which of course can be hard for vegans. But even if you can’t get that much protein, or just don’t feel like rearranging your diet to focus on protein, the worst-case scenario is really just “you max out at a lower weight,” you can still have fun and get strong.
I mean, I do eat beans or tofu or whatnot in pretty heavy quantities, but I also love pasta!
Thanks for the response!
Nope. I use IIFYM. People have success with different diets and it’s all about your personal body and what it needs.
Ooh! Their website has a nifty calculator. Thanks!
I love and adore and respect you so much.
I put off reading this because I knew it would have me up in my feels, and it did. But I’m not sorry I read it.