Here is a series of pictures of my dad gleefully dismembering an eerily lifelike toy cat.
He had his reasons.
***
I love Britt Julius, and she’s writing for Rookie now, which makes me very happy. We don’t do a lot of music writing on the Toast, so if you’re looking for Toast-endorsed music writing, I suggest you start here.
“On the way home, I took in the lights and the frenetic movement of the expressway as we whirred through Chicago’s neighborhoods, air blowing through the small crack of the window I left down.
My parents were usually quiet on these rides, too tired from the evening’s events to develop new conversations. I could never sleep in the car, so the radio, tuned invariably to Chicago’s V103 (a traditional R&B station), was my only source of entertainment. Quiet-storm R&B, the soulful territory of artists like Anita Baker, Sade, and Marvin Gaye, was the soundtrack of that moment. This was my mother and father’s music—their source of peace after the craziness of the holidays. And without my even willing it so, it became my music, too.”
***
Bay to Breakers is coming this weekend. I refuse to believe that Transamerica Building costume is real. HOW.
***
Dave Grohl has a TV show now, but refuses to explain to me why he looks like Tim Curry. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, YOU TIM-CURRY-LOOKING-LIKE-MOTHERFUCKER.
***
Again, I apologize for all the unnecessary cursing on the link roundups this week; I hope your work hasn’t banned the Toast yet.
Do you read the site at work a lot? God, when I had a job — I still have a job, but you know what I mean, a different job — I read blogs at work all the time. I justified it by saying as long as I got my work done every day, whether I chose to take my breaks outside my cubicle or inside THE MAINFRAME was up to me. It mostly worked out, I guess.
***
Nicole is coming back now and I can just have one job instead of two and oh god I didn’t answer any emails this week, sorry if you emailed me even a little, where is Nicole, I am going to go see Belle this weekend and get back to writing jokes. I am so excited to see Belle. Have you seen Belle? Tell me everything.
***
Johannes Kepler got married using math. “But when are we going to use this in real li–” “SHE’S GOING TO BE YOUR NEW MOM IS HOW YOU’RE GOING TO USE IT.”
Tags: link roundup, the internet
1. Without giving up my own excellent dad, I want Mallory’s dad as well.
2. I spend a truly unfortunate amount of worktime on the Toast. (Unsurprisingly.)
3. I WANT TO SEE BELLE SO BADLY but it won’t be coming to my town in Canada for a while nooooooooooo.
4. NICOLE WE ARE EXCITED TO SEE YOU AND HOPE YOUR VACATION INVOLVED ABSOLUTELY ZERO WORK
The more we learn about the Ortberg clan, the more sense everything makes.
*steeples fingers* I really need resolution on this “dismembered fake cat” thing. I feel like it’s important, very important. I want to know what is going on in that dog’s head in those photos, you know?
I just, I have a lot of questions is all.
The dog is my favorite part.
The dog is both curious and approving
I pretty much only use the internet at work and am on here constantly. I justify it in that my job requires me to be online, so they should have expected this.
And oh god how have I never written a Dad Magazine PRANKS section???
These photographs lead me to wonder if dads (or even just a significant swath of dads) enjoy pranks that involve things getting their heads cut off? My brother and my father had a long-running prank war hiding my brother’s old My Buddy doll to scare each other. It culminated in my dad hiding My Buddy’s severed head in my brother’s backpack before school one morning.
Is this…normal? I feel like maybe not, but maybe all dads like decapitating things as a joke?
I don’t know if it’s normal but that sounds like the best prank war ever.
Also My Buddy was creepy.
Yeah. What’s wrong with you. GET ON IT.
(My dad’s favorite: calling up his kids’ friends to tell them they’re fired. I mean, if we discount “pretend to be a bear to scare the 2 year old grandkid who will now inexplicably be terrified of him forever” of course.)
when we were little-ish but old enough to start taking independent showers instead of little-kid baths, about once a month Dad would come into the bathroom and fling ice over the shower curtain, then run back out shouting gleefully
I think the next issue needs to honor Mr. Ortberg as some sort of super dad. A Dad of Dads, if you will. THE MOTHER OF ALL DADS.
My mom used to tell my dad he was having lobster for dinner!! every April Fool’s Day and then serve him the same rubber lobster on a plate she did every year and my dad would pretend to be surprised, like every year.
My dad has legitimately given his mother a stone bust of Frank Sinatra to put in her garden (“I still don’t get why she was so disappointed!”) so I don’t think he understands pranks 🙁
The dog looks pretty concerned, I must say.
Any rational dog would be concerned, He might be next!
The dog is thinking, I’m supposed to like this, being a dog and all, but reality is just a little too intense for me! It’s like the kid in Unforgiven who shoots the guy in the outhouse and then realizes he can never take it back.
The fake blood is…a nice touch.
… who said it was fake?
The dismembered cat head is sooo good. (The fake blood really makes it)
Hm. Yeah, I work at different sites for my job, and apparently I’m still signed into the The Toast after like two weeks not using this computer. So, yes, I can say with utter confidence that I read this site ~in my downtime, ahem~ at work.
my workplace blocks absolutely nothing on the internet, which some coworkers and i discovered when we googled the name of someone’s ex-boyfriend’s new flame-only to find out that she is an adult film star.
“Belle” is freaking amazing dude you are going to love it. I saw it in a lil bitty theater and there were like seven other women there and everybody was soooooo into it, gasping and cackling and yelling “man FUCK this dude” at all the right times.
Also I want Gugu Mbatha-Raw to be in every movie forever.
I sometimes work from work and sometimes work from home and pretty much spend the same amount of time here either way, but I feel guiltier about it when I’m working from home.
I loved the Rookie piece, but I had to laugh because Britt Julious got Marvin Gaye and Anita Baker from her parents, whereas I got Van Halen and Bon Jovi. I know every single lyric from “Slippery When Wet,” which I am hilariously reminded of when I inevitably hear one of the songs in the grocery store and I start singing along without realizing.
Growing up with hair metal parents was interesting.
From my mom I got singer-songwriters (Joni, Jim Croce, etc) and from Dad rock (The Who, Jethro Tull, Hendrix, etc).
My Dad was hardcore about teaching me about his music. Like he’d take a couple hours on a Saturday and be like “Come here and I will teach you everything you need to know about the Stones.” And I was the only 1st grader to try and draw the cover of the Their Satanic Majesties Request in art class.
I was in the car with my mom last weekend and “Barracuda” came on the radio, and we mumble-sung it together. It was a beautiful moment. She LOVED rock in the late 70’s/early 80’s, especially Sting & the Police, Genesis & David Bowie, but mostly stopped listening to that when she started having babies.
The main music I remember from childhood was the 80’s & 90’s station (now 80’s, 90’s & today, an abominable collapse of decades which I refuse to recognize).
My radio station does that too. Come on folks, there’s another decade in there, admit it.
From my parents, I got Rusted Root, Blues Traveler, Loreena McKennitt, the entire catalogue of The Police, and NPR.
I sometimes forget that for other people, Leonard Cohen’s early work is not a nice reminder of their childhood, and The Future is actually somewhat disturbing when you’re not 6 and dancing to it.
What folk repertoire I have, I got from my dad. The Beatles is the only music my mom can really get enthused about, so a hefty chunk of that. Everything else I pretty much took care of myself when I fell down the David Bowie rabbit hole at 14 and never looked back – but I owe my parents for that, too, since they took me to see the screening of the Ziggy Stardust movie that did it.
My husband was shocked that I don’t know much ’60s folk music, until I informed him that my parents were much more likely to be a part of the Kiss Army than any counter-cultural moment.
Also, Mallory, I know we’re not allowed to comment on the attractiveness of your family members, but is it okay if I obsess over how cute that dog is??
SUCH a cute and happy dog!
Thank you for bringing to my consciousness a race where people dress up as spawning salmon, among many other things. This is going to get me through the day.
I only read the Toast from work, weirdly enough (unless I’ve saved an article for later or if I feel vaguely uncomfortable about reading it where students can see me–either because laughter or subject matter). I don’t have an office but I do have my very own computer.
My work computer is 40% work, 40% the Toast (and other blogs, but mostly this one) 20% google image searching cute stuff like barkmitzvahs.
Barkwhatnow?
The history of the Bark Mitzvah: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bark_Mitzvah
A highly recommended image search if you like dogs in prayer shawls and yarmulkes.
Other good searches: tigers swimming, cats dressed as tacos, cats dressed as sushi, dogs dressed as lobsters
For me, the quiet-rock that plays between 11pm-5am on the radio is equated with driving with my parents, too. I wrote about it.
I see what you did there.
Oh wow, my now-husband told me all about the ‘marriage problem’ when we met our freshman year of college. Except whatever absurdly sexist management book he read about it in called it the “harem principle.”
Oh.
No.
“Do you read the site at work a lot?” Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaa.
yes.
Work just blocked The-Toast as of today! Stupid work. Thank goodness my phone is smart enough to read and comment here even if the formatting is a little off.
Also this appears to be an old intensedebate account as usually I’m on here as Spoboebot3000 and not flammablespam.
I reviewed “Belle” at Bitch Flicks. http://www.btchflcks.com/2014/04/belle-a-costume-… TL; DR: It’s not a perfect movie, but it’s worth seeing.
So I don’t *think* this falls under the “Don’t talk about the attractiveness of the writer’s family members” rule (unless you’re Leslie Knope). But Mallory’s dad totally looks like Joe Biden in that first photo. And then manages to look totally like David Byrne in the last photo of him? Anybody else seeing this?
Do I read the Toast at work? DO I EVER! (Which is to say work is basically the only time I ever actually DO read the Toast, because I don’t tend to spend my time on anything but Tumblr when I’m on my computer at home).
Mallory, your family continues to be perfect. I will not ask which magics you have performed to make this so.
I read the Toast all day at work while also fretting about how I’m definitely going to get fired for reading the Toast too much at work.
THE GRAPES OF MATH
Not only do I read the Toast all day at work, I also ONLY write comments when I’m at work and then proceed to check my IntenseDebate account religiously in case anyone replied to me.
I am the worst did I mention I just won an employee of the year award why does anyone pay me money I am garbage.
SAME minus the employee of the year award
Also same, minus the employee of the year award. But the last several years at my annual review, my boss has said “We have no complaints, nothing at all.” To which I am always sorely tempted to reply, “Really???”
I have to read The Toast at work because most of the articles are posted during my working hours, so if I want my comments to get lots of IntenseDebate Points (and increase that mystical green-highlighted number in my profile – I assume I get some sort of prize if it hits 200, like a pizza party or get to slaughter a fake cat with Mr. Ortberg) then I have to read and comment at work.
Exactly. This is my main source of positive human interaction; I’m not going to wait hours and hours to comment when no one will see me (or worse! Reply to a comment that was left hours ago and then people will be like, “jeez, who does that,” even though it’s not actually a faux pas at all because who cares).
I do not read The Toast at work as much as I could because I can’t control the periodic noises of hysteria I produce when things like that series of pictures show up.
I control my gigglefits pretty well except for when the monks explain something. Then all bets are off.
I’ve been trying to cut down on my worktime personal internet use, but it hasn’t been terribly effective. (Case in point: I’m here right now, aren’t I?)
I work at home so technically I’m reading from both work and home. But I look at the Toast on my personal computer and work on my work computer. Reading here is my coffee break. My job requires intense concentration , so when I take a mental health break I pop over here.
also – why is Father Of Mallory decapitating a fake cat? Your dog is concerned
Hahaha I was also just about to say that the dog looks scared.
Between Mallory’s expressed belief that’s she’s just waiting for her own cat to die and seeing her Dad gleefully decapitating a stuffed kitty, um…getting a little concerned for the Ortberg feline(s). But I think all pet owners have their moments of frustration with their furry companions, so no judging here, unless something’s getting hurt, then FLAMES.ON.SIDE.OF.FACE.
Raising a mug of coffee to Samantha Powell for such a generous and engaging body of work this week! As someone who writes in a conflicted shriek much of the time, I love how your measured tone and brevity put so much across. Also I woke up last night thinking of your poor hamster’s head. The horror…the…horror…
The best thing about working at a university is that everything on the internet is RESEARCH. I MIGHT USE IT FOR A CLASS. (No, seriously, I gave a student the link to the Civil War re-enacting cross-dressers and now she’s doing a project on it!)
The second-best thing is the art store where I can go buy fancy pens.
Also, I am as concerned as the dog about what Ortberg Père is doing, but mostly because he’s using an axe and NOT WEARING ANY SHOES. You need all your toes, people. Otherwise you’re going to tip over.
The Toast is now blocked at work under the category “shopping” and I’m one of like nine people in the U.S. under the age of 60 without a smartphone so I guess my future Toast time will be limited. 🙁 I can still comment and see certain articles by finagling with the Google cache (for now) because, damnit, I’m not gonna let the Man keep me down.
And apparently you can’t even shop for a smart phone at work to fix it. Sorry for your luck.
I do hope that dismembered fake cat head is getting mounted on a stake in the yard, to serve as a warning to all the other fake cats
DID ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THAT ERNEST IS DRIVING THAT SEMI
The Toast is the only thing that gets me through my work day.
Oh my god I’m going back to school in the fall when am I ever going to have time for The Toast oh no oh no what have I done
Do I read The Toast at work? Do I *ever*. It’s all on my phone and only when I’m on break/traveling to and from work sites so it’s all technically okay. But I still try to stifle the fits of laughter that are often inspired by this glorious place…just in case.
My immediate response was horror at the thought of the damage to the edge of the axe on concrete. Then I noticed the bloody fake cat head and the bare feet. Then I went back to worrying about the axe. Because cat heads and toes grow back. I think.