Season One
Mole Hunt: “Do you want ants? Because that’s how you get ants.” Malory
Training Day: “You know, I’ll bet there’s a lesson to be learned from all this, but — Oh, shit, my rug!” Archer
Diversity Hire: “Oh, this is just a detergent pen. I just put a little blue sticker on it.” Cheryl
Killing Utne: “Um. Sorry.” Lana
Honeypot: “Not that — Woodhouse! He’s all tied up somewhere, scared and alone. Probably dehydrated [laughter].” Archer
Skorpio: ”Womp-womp.” Cheryl
Skytanic: “Pretty sure that’s Wales.” Lana
The Rock: ”Right? How can you not see that?” Archer
Job Offer: “Oh, okay. Then I guess just pout.” Archer
Dial M For Mother: “Ass.” Malory
Leaderboard: Archer 4, Cheryl 2, Lana 2, Malory 2
Season Two
Swiss Miss: ”Now who’s ready for a shower? This gal.” Pam
A Going Concern: “What do I know about dry cleaning. I know I’m switching from perc to D5. Going green up in here.” Popeye
Blood Test: “Ants are gonna be the least of your worries, running around like that, smackhound. ‘Hello, hookworms, get in my feet,’ or whatever. Some kind of worms will go in your feet.” Archer
Pipeline Fever: “Now — okay, see, you ruined it. You ruined the moment.” Archer
The Double Deuce: “No, no, not that. The fact that the government let you two fruit bats adopt a baby!” Corporal Bishop
Tragical History: “Do you not?” Archer
Movie Star: “[muffled, into Lana’s lap] And?” Archer
Stage Two: “Ehh. What? Too soon?” Malory
Placebo Effect: “Wait, I got it! Casablumpkin.” Cheryl
El Secuestro: “Noooope.” Lana
Jeu Monégasque: “Aw, shit. Plus I gave ‘em all my stickers.” Pam
White Knights: “Super glad I didn’t wet my pants.” Archer
Double Trouble: “That was my van.” Krieger
Leaderboard: Archer 5, Pam 2, Lana 1, Cheryl 1, Krieger 1, Corporal Bishop 1, Popeye 1
Season Three
Heart of Archness, Part I: “I’m gonna be a pirate king.” Archer
Heart of Archness, Part II: ”Wooooo!” Archer
Heart of Archness, Part III: “Okay, then I guess just pout.” Archer
The Man From Jupiter: “Just tape ‘em up.” Cheryl
El Contador: “Oh, hey, speaking of excellence, did you hear we met a tiger?…But he got murdered.” Archer
The Limited: “Yes, all of it, you fox-eared asshole.” Archer
Drift Problem: “Thanks, Dodge, or whoever. Yes, my ass is everywhere. What are you looking at, sucker?” Mr. Ford
Lo Scandolo: “There is so much about this I never want to know the answer to. So how about a slice? God, what is it with me and Italian lately?” Archer
Bloody Ferlin: “Well, that’s just great. Everybody gets laid in the holler but me. Well, and you, I guess. Since I ate your husband. Dan…Lather.” Archer
Crossing Over: ”Well, I wouldn’t say amazing. What? Come on, you were pushing rope!” Pam
Skin Game: “[Total silence]” Barry and Katya
Space Race, Part I: “Welcome to the…Danger Zone.” Commander Drake
Space Race, Part II: “Hey, did I tell you guys I got a goat?” Archer
Leaderboard: Archer 8, Drake 1, Barry and Katya 1, Pam 1, Popeye 1, Cheryl 1
Season Four
Fugue and Riffs: “[Audible shivering]” Cheryl
The Wind Cries Mary: “Can we have the radio?” Archer
Legs: “Yeah…if you slid a pig under him.” Cheryl
Midnight Ron: “Woodhouse! I’m going to check that bowl! Ahh…good day.” Archer
Viscous Coupling: “If you do want, I can be bottom. No problem there.” Boris
Once Bitten: “He…was…ugh, no, it’s gone. Goddammit.” Archer
Live and Let Dine: “Yes, dear.” Barry
Coyote Lovely: “[Audible sigh] Anywhoo…” Malory
The Honeymooners: “Yeah, get in there, eat ‘em up. God knows you’ve earned it.” Krieger
Un Chien Tangerine: “[Audible farting],” Kazakh the dog
The Papal Chase: “HAHHHHHHHHHHH!” Pam
Sea Tunt, Part I: “Dicknuts!” Pam
Sea Tunt, Part II: “Boop!” Archer
Leaderboard: Archer 4, Cheryl 2, Pam 2, Malory 1, Krieger 1, Barry 1, Boris 1, Kazakh 1
Season Five: Archer Vice
White Elephant: “Nothing. Shut up.” Archer
A Kiss While Dying: ”It was still a stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid plan.” Charles
A Debt Of Honor: ”[Laughing] The phone!…It was Woodhouse’s!” Archer
House Call: “And I’m not a doctor, but — I mean, I’m definitely a doctor, so…no. I think we’re good. Yep yep yep!” Krieger
Leaderboard: Archer 2, Charles 1, Krieger 1
Final Score: Archer 23, Cheryl 6, Pam 5, Lana 3, Krieger 3, Malory 3, Popeye 1, Boris 1, Kazakh 1, Charles 1, Barry (and Katya) 2, Drake 1, Corporal Bishop 1, Admiral Drake 1, Mr. Ford 1
Tags: arbitrary scoreboards, archer, it’s xy-zed, of course cyril’s not on this list, things mallory does for no reason
BRB, renaming us Vanderley Industries.
And these illegal-ass window tints? This is just rolling probable cause.
So all ashore from the SS Date Rape!
Toot toot!
“Ants are gonna be the least of your worries, running around like that, smackhound. ‘Hello, hookworms, get in my feet,’ or whatever. Some kind of worms will go in your feet.”
He thinks he’s people.
Not that there aren’t a million reasons to love this show, but one of my favorite things about it is the way they set up almost every scene change such that the new dialogue can be understand as a continuation of the last conversation. CRAFTSMANSHIP
That’s not Popeye in Drift Problem. It’s Mr. Ford, a character from Reed’s previous show Frisky Dingo.
ohh nooo, now i have to go rewatch drift problem (only pretending to be upset)
ALSO FRISKY DINGO SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A THIRD SEASON
It definitely should have.
Damnit patriarchy!!!
Also why does Malory only have one L is this to avoid any unpleasant confrontations with Mallory which one is the right one is there a right one THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE
JUST TAPE ‘EM UP.
I LOVE this line, I love the way Cheryl says it like she’s so annoyed with Pam for not thinking of it BUT. I hate this line because, if you masturbate to the point that your fingers are bleeding, wouldn’t your genitals already be bleeding long before that? Because they’re more sensitive than your fingers? So upsetting.
I assume she has genitals of steel.
OTHER STRAY OBSERVATIONS AFTER WATCHING ALL OF ARCHER IN LIKE A WEEK:
I don’t think Malory has ever eaten on screen but when she talks about or orders food, it’s always a Cobb salad, which I love is the writing staff’s idea of rich lady food. Both she and Archer have a tendency to go all day without eating (“All I’ve had today is like, six gummi bears and some scotch”) until they’re “literally starving to death”/about to succumb to alcohol poisoning, which is fairly accurate for somebody at either of their stage of alcoholism. Archer mentions wanting to get chicken and waffles in at least four separate episodes; they are his bear claws.
GRILL ME A CHEESE.
What IS it with me and Italian lately?
Archer has been so disappointing to me so far this season. I mean, WHAT IS GOING ON?! 🙁
ARCHER VICE IS WHAT’S GOING ON
My take on it is that because this season is so serialized, each half-hour installment feels short, and viewers feel a bit shorted. I am very much enjoying this season, but I bet when it’s all done and I can watch everything basically straight through, it will be amazing.
I haven’t been feeling it either, but I was also surprised that the montage in the first episode was comprised of things actually about to happen. That seems weird somehow.
I’m loving it. Last season I thought things were getting pretty stale–Archer Vice is just what the show needed.
It is official, I have to watch this show.
There, added to Netflix.
The minute I saw the headline for this post, I thought, “Come on, you were pushing rope!”
I have watched this show enough times to know that Archer was gonna win this.
It’s okay, it was just cancer sex.
I urge you all to download the Archer soundboard app for your phones. My morning alarm goes like this: http://youtu.be/d3D7Y_ycSms
Well OBVIOUSLY I have to do that immediately
When I finally bought a smart phone, this was actually the very first app I downloaded. I love this show so damn much.
ahh, & it’s FREE. how did I not know about this?! you just made my day.
Babou is my favorite ocelot ever.
Babou!!!
I'VE NEVER SEEN AN OCELOT!
Wait…there’s a Season 5 now!?