Toasties. Bittersweet chocolate chunk bread stuffed with maple mascarpone, banana crème brûlée sauce, fresh bananas and shaved chocolate; with water, for health reasons, obviously. I wish you a weekend like That. Now tell me your joys.
Tags: cocktail hour, meta, open thread, the bartender
8 more days, you guys! 8 more days until I move out of this hellpit of a house. 8 days until I move out from the ever so shitty living situation that is living with an ex! I AM SO EXCITED! I even changed the fridge whiteboard to a countdown. And dude bro keeps bringing me little gifts, Magic cards, comic books, what have you. They’re things I want, but GDI, I don’t need more shit to pack! Also, I am accepting them as admission and penance of fucking up only, there is to be no reciprocation of any kind, nor forgiveness.
ALSO! A kind of amazing job offering kind of landed in my lap. It would mean taking kind of a huge paycut, because in this new job there would be no overtime as opposed to my average of 10 to 12 hour days at the current, would be 5 minutes by car from my new place, similar base pay, and less responsibility. I love my coworkers, if not the management and job, but honestly I need less on my plate right now, and I can make it work, even with the paycut. I’ll know for sure next week if I have it (extremely likely, but the position is being created in the company, and the guy who would be my boss is also trying to get clearance for the financials I need to get by), and then, I get to quit this godforsaken workplace!
8 MORE DAYS!
Yes!: “I am accepting them as admission and penance of fucking up only, there is to be no reciprocation of any kind, nor forgiveness.”
You have my congratulations and admiration.
Fingers crossed that the job works out (as in you get it AND it is a great fit for you AND you can still afford your life)!
Congrats!
Holy crap, BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE!
Fantastic all around!
I found out yesterday that although it’s still a couple years in the offing, I’m apparently being groomed for a rather senior position at my workplace. This is the first prospect of real, actual advancement in my career thus far!
Every afternoon, my kid comes home from school and makes himself a banana-peanut butter-nutella sandwich.* If he ever saw such a thing as that concoction pictured above, he would move heaven and earth to obtain it.
*my science-y friend tells me this is essentially what they feed rats in her research lab to give them diabetes so they can test new drugs. She clearly doesn’t have teen-boy rats as her test subjects; their metabolisms are so damn fast it’s freakish and disconcerting.
No need to move heaven and earth, he just needs to visit the bongo room in chicago. though, i guess if you don’t live in chicago, it may as well be moving heaven and earth. WORTH IT
Totally worth it.
I’m relatively new here and didn’t realize you lived in Chicago. The Bongo Room is only a couple of blocks from us and my wife and toddler went for breakfast this week with a friend, as a matter of fact.
I remember randomly seeing a (photography) blogger on the street a few years ago and it was sort of shocking to unexpectedly see him in person. I actually stopped walking and locked eyes, but then very quickly averted them and tried to walk non-fanboyishly by. We were headed in opposite directions and I don’t think I even realized he lived in Chicago at the time.
Sadly, I don’t live in Chicago. but you do and should go there every week and live for the rest of us!
Fingers crossed he gets that acceptance letter from Northwestern, then!
Growing up, I knew two boys who ate an entire package of hot dogs as an after-school “snack” every day. I’m not sure if that’s each or split between them, but still….
Sodium, glorious sodium!
I am so, so sorry to do this, but:
Oh my god. I..have no words.
Food porn.
Still healthier than one of my favorite childhood snacks: peanut butter on one slice of bread, nutella on the other, and in the middle, for texture – COUNT CHOCULA (this was back when it was an all-year-round cereal, back in the glory days).
When I wanted something savory, I’d make “nachos” by melting slices of american cheese over pretzels in the microwave.
As an after-school snack I used to have thawed-out frozen Lender’s bagels split in half and then have a layer of barbecue sauce and a slice of Kraft cheese. Melted in the microwave. I can’t explain this.
I used to do straight-up butter and sugar on white bread.
I mean, you gotta respect the classics, right?
Sometimes, sure, butter and strawberry jam, for when I was feeling healthy. Or marshmallow fluff and strawberry jam, for when I was feeling decadent.
my great-grandmother would make a special treat for children: an open-face sandwich of peanut butter with butter on top. it’s actually tasty, if absurdly rich/creamy!
Sprinkle some sugar on top and you’ve got heaven right there.
Some of my East/Southeast Asian coworkers and I grossed out the rest of our cohort today reminiscing about eating broken up, uncooked, instant ramen packets. Delicious crunchy bites of sodium.
Who has chronic pain!? I just got diagnosed with fibromyalgia and I want to talk about it!
I’m feeling super mixed about it — on the one hand it’s very relieving to have a diagnosis for “my body hurts all the time, especially these places,” but on the other hand I feel like there was a part of me that always thought somehow I’d turn a corner and just like, work hard enough and stop being lazy and get better and be a regular young person again. It’s always been hard to like, read stories from older folks who are like, “you young people, enjoy waking up without your back hurting and running around til all hours of the morning,” and feeling like, “wait, I can’t do that stuff now in my early 20s!” I feel like I’ve been robbed of having a young body, which makes me very sad when I think about it.
I’m also not sure what to do different now with this diagnosis. Once I’m not snowed in (minnesota! *fist shake*) I’m gonna go get some herbs my herbalist friend recommended, and I’m waiting on a call back from my physical therapist, but fibro doesn’t seem to call for any big dietary or lifestyle changes. What do?
also this post from Riese at Autostraddle was what helped me put a name to what I was feeling (minus the self-harm and her coming out process, which are talked about in that piece as well): http://www.autostraddle.com/i-have-fibromyalgia-1… so if you have chronic pain and don’t know what it is maybe that will help?
Don’t have fibromyalgia, but I am familiar with feeling like an old-bodied young person. I’ve had a number of problems (back, feet, wrist), all mostly minor, but they make me feel like I’m old before my time. It helps me to find something else to do with my body when I get in a funk. Like, oh I can’t do x, but I’m gonna go do y. (Y is usually baking or painting my nails) And then I don’t feel so pathetic and useless.
But I did find physical therapy to be pretty helpful. And I also tried acupuncture and massage and liked that. I’m just too poor to actually do all that stuff regularly.
Yeah, that’s great advice. I think I need to own that staying in bed is not great for my mental health (or honestly my physical health most of the time, as reassuring as it seems like it’s going to be.
Yes! Chronic pain! I have plantar fasciitis that no amount of treatment/surgery wants to cure, as well as osteoarthritis in my feet. Basically, my feet just decided they didn’t want to carry me around any more once I turned 23.
I really struggle with wanting to go out and be social but not wanting to go out and be in lots of pain… or to have to ask friends to change their plans so I can be comfortable.
Oh noooooo, I had plantar faciitis for like 3 months and it was horrendous, I’m so sorry yours won’t go away.
The having to ask friends to change thing is so hard. In my specific context (passive aggressive land aka the Midwest) it’s hard because people are super accommodating on the outside but I’m afraid it’s adding up on the inside and someday they’ll decide I’m too much trouble. #innerfearsfriday
I don’t have chronic pain, but I do have an autoimmune disease that makes me feel like crap a lot of the time. Lots of chronic problems don’t seem to call for dietary changes, but I think might be amazed what cutting out sugar and wheat could do for you. Something to consider, anyway. Going full-on Paleo-style eating literally saved my life. It’s not for everyone but it sure helped me.
Good luck!
Ooooiiiiiiiiii this is so hard. Hugs to you, but obviously not hard ones. Air hugs.
I have such conflicting feelings about the diagnosis of fibro…. having been given it myself by some doctors. It seems like such a wide-encompassing diagnosis for what for different people might have very different origins.
For me, I really believe a lot of what I have is actually muscular trigger point issues, and I know I feel a hell of a lot better when I make it a priority to have massages done every other week, or at least monthly to help ease the trigger points that make gentle touch screaming pain. Best of luck to you, herbs sound like a good idea, and maybe an anti-inflamatory diet?
Hmm, can you say more about what muscular trigger point issues are? I’ve never heard of that.
The doctor did seem kind of… lax in her diagnosis. Like, I went in all ready to be disbelieved or told it was in my head or whatever, but she just did some blood tests and then, when they came back regular, said it was fibromyalgia. Like, it could be something else, right? How can one know?
as far as I understand it, you can have fascia (fibrous tissue) build up on any of your muscles, and this causes your muscles to just be irritable all the time, causing a lot of pain that can radiate out along the muscles to also trigger pain in many other parts of the body. For example, I have a lot of fascia in my IT bands and if I press on specific areas with fascia I can also have pain pop up downstream around my knee, my calf, by my ankle. People who know a lot about trigger points know about these sorts of syndromes or patterns of pain. If you have enough trigger points, it can really feel like widespread tenderness, which is I think why it can be diagnosed as fibromyalgia. From the wikipedia page: “Referred pain from trigger points mimics the symptoms of a very long list of common maladies, but physicians, in weighing all the possible causes for a given condition, rarely consider a myofascial source” Because the pain can travel along nerve pathways, it can feel like nerve damage and I heard something terrifying once about people having surgery for carpal tunnel, but then sill having the pain, because it was myofascial, not nerve-based all along.
It’s one of those things where the massage therapists I know who have studied trigger points are convinced that lots of doctors misdiagnose people all the time because they don’t know anything about this phenomenon. Which is probably true in many cases (and I think has been for me) but probably isn’t for everyone. Can you have therapeutic massages, or are they too painful? Worth a shot, to see if it offers some relief!
Hmm, that’s super interesting. I find that poking places where I hurt just makes that spot hurt really bad (but like, REALLY bad), but rarely radiates out, so this might not be me? But also therapeutic massage, yes please.
You may have seen this already, but with a fibro diagnosis, generally you have 11 of 18 painful trigger points (chart here http://www.fmnetnews.com/fibro-basics/diagnosis). The pain doesn’t always radiate out–for me I have several of those trigger points which are local, and then other areas I can hardly touch they hurt so much if I even just brush them (like all along my shinbone or from my knee to hip on my outside thigh).
I’ve had fibro plus chronic fatigue syndrome and a few other chronic issues for going on 16 years now. I’ll second the regular massages recommendation. Stretching/gentle yoga also is really beneficial. As is hot showers or epsom salt baths, hot packs, and biofeedback/relaxation techniques. Basically anything that can help loosen your muscles. I haven’t found a lot of over-the-counter stuff that helps except for Backaid Max/Doan’s which does seem to help some with general body pain, and then something like Biofreeze or Icy Hot to rub into particularly bad spots. Some doctors have recommended an anti-inflammatory diet as being helpful for fibro (http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/anti-inflammatory-diet-road-to-good-health?page=2 although this article doesn’t talk about it, some will also say to avoid or limit nightshade vegetables). I can’t say it really seemed to help pain, but did help with any accompanying stomach issues.
If you have a desk job, it’s vital to make sure you are getting up regularly to walk around or stretch for a few minutes every hour if possible. Same with anything like long road trips, church/plays/concerts/movies where you are going to be sitting in the same position for a while. When I’m at one of the latter places, I try to get an end seat at the back where I can stand up unobtrusively if I need to when it’s running long. The view isn’t as good, but at least my body doesn’t hate me for days after. Above all, listen to your body when you’re reaching your limit–if you know going out is going to lay you up in bed for several days, don’t go. Better to disappoint friends, family or yourself than suffer major flare-ups.
Thanks so much for all this. I have seen that pain chart and definitely have a lot of those trigger points. The advice about getting up and walking around is crucial — I do have a computer job and I tend to “take breaks” on Facebook instead of by walking around, so I will make a point to get on that.
I’m 23 and have felt decades older for…a long time. Literally never occurred to me until right now to mention my constant joint/back/muscle pain and exhaustion to anyone. I have a pretty sedentary lifestyle, so have always blamed it on that…
But I’m starting to have this realization that, oh my god, I’m 23, pretty soon I’ll be at an age where these things are par for the course. So I’ve started doing some simple stretches, more activity (read: I get off the bus a stop earlier). Not…not a lot of a difference so far.
Basically I’m here to bookmark this thread, for ideas! 🙂
solidarity fist bump. It’s rough because, in addition to hurting all the time, I’m also pretty lazy. It’s hard to distinguish, is this me being lazy or is this me taking care of myself? Am I avoiding [shoveling, kneeling, dancing] because it’s hard, or because it hurts?
Can I venture that going to a doctor might help? It also might be terrible! But if what’s causing issues for you is something like a thyroid problem or a vitamin deficiency, there can be simple ways to clear it up. Or not! Who knows!
You can certainly venture, and I will even listen! I actually have an appointment next week, and will bring these aches and pains up, along with all my other things.
Good luck!
Also, I’m curious – what did your doctor say besides “welp, you have fibromyalgia!”
Because there are a lot of things that have proven useful for alleviating pain, ranging from aerobic exercise to CBT, but I feel like almost all my friends who have been diagnosed are given just the diagnosis and no help finding strategies for pain relief.
Yeah, she said all those things — I’m holding off on therapy until I get some insurance stuff sorted out and I don’t want to jump onto medication right away due to some bad experiences. She mentioned therapy, physical therapy, medication, and I brought up herbal remedies which she affirmed.
Podcast recommendations! I need them, please! I currently listen to three podcasts regularly: Pop Culture Happy Hour, The Big Planet Comics Podcast (from my local comics shop – they review a *ton* of comics) and I’m currently plowing through The Star Wars Minute, which… is 10-20 minute episodes, and each episode covers a single minute of Star Wars.
Anyway, I’m not big on the Nerdist (Chris Hardwick doesn’t do it for me, but I occasionally listen for interesting guests) or Kevin Smith’s stuff… most comedy podcasts aren’t really my bag.
Any recommendations? Please? Pretty please?
Also I may be slightly beginning to obsess about Guardians of the Galaxy…
Did you see this post? http://the-toast.net/2014/01/24/ten-great-podcast…
I did not!… I don’t know how I missed that. Thanks!
I really like How Stuff Works, it covers everything from mechanical stuff (How Aerosols Work!) to social and political issues (How Apartheid Worked).
I have an 8-10 hour round trip road trip coming up, so I’ll be checking back here to add stuff!
I’ll check it out!
Although they may not be your cup of tea, I really like The Bugle, Answer Me This, and the Friday Night Comedy podcast from BBC Radio 4.
Yeah, I tried to get into The Bugle and Answer Me This for a while on my wife’s recommendation, but they kind of never got going for me. Haven’t heard of the other, but i’m not opposed to giving things a listen or two to try them out. Thanks!
Extra Hot Great is a great TV-oriented pop culture podcast, and Wham Bam Pow is fun for movies. The Thrilling Adventure Hour is fun for more fictional story-type stuff, as is Tumblr’s favorite, Welcome to Nightvale. The Dead Authors Podcast is another one of my favorites, except that it doesn’t update often enough – Paul F. Tompkins is in character as HG Wells using his time machine to go back into the past and interview authors who are dead now (try the Walt Whitman episode to start). I’m not huge into comedy podcasts either, but International Waters is a fun one that’s structured enough (panel show style) that I can pay attention to it.
Nice, those are a lot I haven’t heard of. Thanks! Dead Authors sounds intersting, as does Extra Hot Great. I tried Wham Bam Pow, but I don’t go see enough movies for me to keep up with it.
If you don’t catch “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” on NPR every weekend, it’s my favorite NPR podcast. I also like “Stuff You Should Know,” and “Stuff You Missed in History Class.”
My tolerance for Wait Wait has gone down recently. I feel like it’s gotten less weird. Broader. Like it’s trying to be on NBC or something. I used to love it, but now I’m just ‘eh’.
I’ll have to check out the ‘Stuff’ podcasts though. Thanks!
I like How Did This Get Made – bad movies skewered by three hosts and a guest.
I have seen that referenced many a place, but never actually tried it. I’ll look into it. Thanks!
If you enjoy the “bad movies made fun of” genre, I recommend “We Hate Movies”, which is the same deal, but I like the hosts better.
Is there a particular type and subject of podcast you’re interested in? I’ll limit myself to one suggestion, but can expand on SFF podcasts if you like:
Emma Newman’s SFF interview podcast, Tea and Jeopardy. “There’s always time for a nice cup of tea and a spot of mild peril”. She hosts each interview in a different tea lair, asks interesting questions, and the guests often get into a spot of bother on the way out. I particularly enjoyed the Lauren Beukes interview, and the Goblin King’s castle was clearly the best lair.
I used to think my podcast tastes were wide, but I’m becoming more picky. Tea and Jeopardy sounds really cool, and I will have to check it out. Please feel free to expand!
With you on the becoming more picky! But I find it hard to admit to myself when I need to unsubscribe to things. If I have 22 unlistened to episodes, I’m probably never going to get to it…
Podcasts I listen to fairly frequently, in no particular order:
– The Archers – BBC farm community soap opera
– Dr Who: Verity – six smart women chat about Dr Who
– Friday Night Comedy – BBC shows The News Quiz and The Now Show
– In Our Time – BBC program with academics giving intro to random historical (mostly) subjects
– More or Less – BBC program looking at statistics in the news
– Galactic Suburbia – feminist SFF chat
– The Writer and the Critic – spoilery discussion of two books each episode, mostly SFF
– Splendid Chaps – live Dr Who shows, each focussing on one Dr and a theme. Done now, but you can still listen to them; they took a bit to get into their stride, so start at the 2nd Dr or later.
– Outer Alliance – queer SFF podcast, usually an interview or a con panel
– Skiffy and Fanty – SFF interviews, discussions, movie discussions. I’m a bit mixed on this one, as the main host is well meaning but says stupid stuff sometimes and talks a bit too much. But their Torture Cinema episodes are great.
– It’s Actually Happening – historical trivia panel show
– Shooting the Poo – discussion on a chosen topic, usually geeky, eg Alien films, Batman, Louis Theroux documentaries
– Coode Street – SFF discussion
– SF squeecast – each person brings on thing (book, comic, TV show, etc) to squee about. I think this year they’re changing the format to themed discussions.
I stop in and listen to The JV Club (with Janet Varney, who is the voice of Korra in The Legend of Korra) every once in a while. Even when I don’t know the guest, I like listening, because the whole point of the podcast is for Janet to talk to a lady about growing up and being a person, and it’s amazing to listen to two women talk about all kinds of issues.
I’ve been really enjoying “My Brother, my Brother, and Me,” which is purportedly an advice show but is really three brothers beings goofs for 45 minutes. I have literally cried laughing. One of the brothers also does a podcast with his wife, called “Sawbones,” which is about weird medical history. Highly recommended.
Nerdette! They are delightful and talk a lot about awesome lady nerds. I started listening to it after Nerdist made me rage.
I’m late to the party, but: I really like 99% Invisible, and I just discovered Dan Harmon’s Hardcore History. He has a really good multi-hour series on the fall of the Roman Republic.
I am really enjoying Oh No Ross and Carrie –They investigate pseudo-science stuff like speed-reading, dousing, acupuncture. They are really respectful but also really funny.
Also, everyone, and I mean everyone should be listening to Judge John Hodgman. Because he funny and thoughtful and could solve all the world’s problems if we just let him.
Happy Friday Toasties!
My boss told me yesterday that they are working on my six month review. Logically, I know I don’t have to be worried because I’m a good worker, but I’ve never been reviewed before! So I’m a little nervous. :/ What kinds of things
are usually covered in a review?
Also, thanks for telling us what you’re eating this week, Bartender.
It depends a lot on the company and its culture, but usually: areas for improvement, cushioned in praise, goals for the next six months, etc. If there’s a self-review portion, go really rigorous with it, bosses love that, and remember that a review is a good opportunitiy for you to ask about future paths with your company and things that would help you do your job better.
The only advice I have is, don’t be scared if a great deal of your marks come back as “satisfactory” rather than “above average” or “superb” or whatever. I’ve heard that the latest trend in management is a move away from “review inflation,” and that doing your job satisfactorily is being seen as a good thing. I just had my first review, and 90% of my review marks came back as “satisfactory,” and my boss ensured me that by no means should I interpret that as a bad thing; it meant that I was doing my job well, that they were satisfied with me.
That said, if you do get all “superb” marks, then you’re a badass!
Definitely this! My first review at my new company was this week, and everything was “satisfactory” and my boss had nothing but great things to say about me. They usually don’t want to start you off with “superb” because you’d have nothing to strive for. Same thing happened at my last job 5 years ago, and being a perfectionist, I viewed “satisfactory” as a negative, and it took me awhile to learn it wasn’t.
I don’t know what kind of job you have, but my reviews have so far consisted of: what have you been working on? What kind of feedback has your boss gotten about you from other people? What do you do really well? What could you work on? What are some concrete goals to do in the next year?
First reviews are great because a) you’re expected to be imperfect and b) anything negative is something you can work on before the next review, so you can come back and say look! I fixed [X]. Good luck.
Maybe be ready with some feedback; I always get asked in my reviews how things are in the office and what I would like to improve. I never have any answers apart from stabbing certain persons with office supplies, so I generally stay quiet in that part, but I feel like it makes you look good if you have some small concrete things you would like to see done better… Also I always get a raise at review time (except in 2009; then the raise was Congratulations! We don’t have to fire you!).
Why would they supply me with scissors if they expect me to tolerate shit from certain coworkers?
This is not really any help to you, but it is funny. My performance reviews, for the past 5 or 6 years, go like this:
Interviewer: Um, you aren’t leaving are you?
Me: No.
End of review.
You should say ‘well, I was thinking…” some time to see what they do.
Oh, I know what would happen. There would be the faces of much sadness, and sounds of lamentation would drift through the office.
It’s not likely that I will leave (barring acquiring runaway bestseller funds or finally winning the publisher’s clearinghouse millions). There’s been attempts to poach me away, because Document Control people are always in demand (at least around here), but the attempts have failed because they offer less money and a worse benefits package. I make as much or more than anyone is going to for doing similar work, support staff only makes so much.
Besides that, Document Control is mindnumbingly boring, and in my current job I really function as the utility infielder person, doing whatever needs to be done that someone else can’t (or won’t) do. Which is ok with me, because it means I get to do some interesting stuff. I’m also able to deal with both hard copy information and computerized information. Which, actually, is not that common. People my age and older (and sometimes younger!) can’t/won’t deal with the computer files; many younger people, especially the just out of college ones cannot deal with hard copy pages and the *ancient* machines that manipulate them–such as heavy duty staplers and the copier/fax/scanner (and let’s not mention the postage meter fiasco–)
Unfortunately for both groups, both types of info are likely to be around for many years to come, probably for the rest of *my* working life anyhow, at least in this particular field.
So my performance review is more or less a formal ritual that must be observed, but any real change in my job is discussed at other times, other places.
One thing that might help your anxiety is to note that good managers will not surprise-ambush you during your evals with a listicle of What You’re Doing Wrong. One of my bosses once said, “If you’re surprised by anything I tell you about your performance during an evaluation, then *I’m* not doing *my* job. We should be addressing problems as they come up, not letting them stew.”
This is very helpful to hear, thank you!
What’s your favorite bike commuting accessory, article of clothing, and/or purse? Besides a helmet and lights 😉
<3 my fenders. I’d say it definitely makes commuting in gross weather (or even the day after gross weather) 1000x more enjoyable. Goggles have also made my life much better this winter. If you’re looking for more fashion advice, I’m not the person to ask though. I tend to geek out over the techiness of bike gear rather than whether it looks good.
I don’t know about favorite, exactly, but the Novara Headwind pants from REI are really good. I live in Portland so they’re a good mix of warmth/rain/wind protection and they don’t look so awful that I absolutely have to change pants when I get to work.
Ahh bummer, I tried searching for those and they’re either not made anymore or out of season or something :/ That type of pant is exactly what I need!
The women’s daily rider pants from Outlier sound amazing, but I can’t yet convince myself to spend $200 on fucking pants.
Basket on the backet to fit bags/misc in. It makes a huge difference not to feel weighed down by a heavy backpack.
Yes yes basket I just stuff my purse in there and wear regular clothes and it’s like I never even biked at all! (My style preference is to be on my bike looking awesome, and then be off my bike and nobody know that I bike.) I have also put the following in my basket:
1) large canvasses for painting on, plus a bunch of paints and stuff;
2) small charcoal bbq, beer, and briquets (whole salmon in my backback) for beach bbq; and
3) everything.
Have bungees. They’re great.
ETA: my basket is on the back of my cx/roadbike, which allows me carry way more stuff and not be crazy front-heavy. It gets a bit top-heavy, but I just ride more carefully.
Driving home from work on Wed, I was behind a biker for awhile and he had two of those big U-shaped bike locks, one shoved down each side of the back of his pants (how that’s not excruciating in the winter or even allows a person to pedal is beyond me) and I thought how much I appreciated having a lock carrier/holder on my bike.
I’ve been thinking I should get one of those so I don’t have to always have my pannier! Do they all have to be attached to the bike? Cause I don’t have a lot of tools 🙁
You probably don’t have to buy a dedicated one. Mine came with the lock, or I probably wouldn’t have considered it. Even something like a bungee cord or adjustable nylon strap would do.
That… makes a lot of sense. There’s some bungee stuff that came with my bike (it came with fenders and a rack) but I’ve never thought of actually using it to secure anything to the bike. I should try it out this weekend when I do a long ride!
Wait, you don’t need either of these things! Put it around your seat post or dangle it on your handlebars.
Hmmm, I’m concerned that it might scratch up the bike or get in the way (it’s a really heavy U-lock).
I like this lock holster thing because I think it looks tough without requiring one to wear pants with enormous back pockets, and you really don’t notice the lock while you’re riding. You could probably make one if you can get your hands on a sewing machine that can handle heavy-duty fabric. http://fabrichorse.com/featured/holster.html
Definitely my front wicker basket! I love how quaint it looks in comparison to my badass road bike, plus it means I don’t have to take a backpack out every time I want to go somewhere.
I’m on the lookout for an affordable pannier that converts to a messenger bag (preferably) or backpack if anyone has any recs!
Apart from that, I really love my merino wool cycling jersey. I don’t get cold but I don’t feel overheated, if that makes sense? And it magically doesn’t ever smell despite all the sweating I do in it. This is the one I have but in a style that it looks like they don’t carry anymore, I got mine at this same clearance price though ($30 down from $80!) and it’s been well worth it!
Ooo I’m in the US but some of that stuff looks good, thanks! Depending on your budget, Po Campo has a bag that might work for you: http://shop.pocampo.com/products/loop ?
TAXES. Has anyone done their taxes themselves using the fill-out forms rather than software like Turbotax? I made something like $500 from sporadic freelancing this year but did not get a 1099. I want to report it because citizenship (and fear), but Turbotax won’t let me do that without shelling out $99 for the “Home & Business” edition and at that point it doesn’t seem worth it. But I don’t see a way to just do the Business Income schedule myself and integrate it with the rest of the return somehow. So: experiences doing everything the old-fashioned way?
I did my state taxes by hand last year and it was complicated because I lived in MD part of the year and MA part of the year. It took an evening (maybe three hours?) and it wasn’t really HARD, per se, and even though I got a bunch of stuff wrong, the states just wrote back and said, “You did this wrong, give us 286 more dollars” and I did and it was over. I should mention that I am NOT a very strong numbers person and it still went ok.
Bottom line: I consider it totally doable and even if you fuck it up a bit, someone will probably let you know (definitely will, if you owe more than you pay originally).
State taxes are a whole separate thing. I still have to file an amended state return for 2012 before I submit 2013’s but haven’t because ugh, it’s such a bear.
I’ve done it the old-fashioned way, and it can be a bit complicated because you need to fill out your own Schedule C (I think?), but really once you do it, it’s not too had. Definitely not worth shelling out $99 for an upgraded tax software. And there are a billion websites out there that will show you how to fill out a 1099 MISC with a Schedule C. Good luck!
You are/were a real freelancer, right? This was just a semi-regular editing favor for a family member who insisted on paying me. I’m *so annoyed* that apparently now I have to estimate future taxes, fill out forms, and worry about an audit. I think I would maybe rather not have the money.
You got paid under the $600 threshold; don’t report, don’t aggravate yourself. 🙂
I used to do them on paper, when I was young and had one single W-2 and no other forms of any kind. Your public library will have the forms on hand, and if you’re in a larger city, may have someone there who can help you with them somewhat.
I do it myself on paper every year! And then every year I screw it up and have to redo it. But it’s okay, you can redo your taxes to fix mistakes!
I had some miscellaneous income this year without a 1099 and also had trouble with TurboTax. I ended up switching to H&R Block’s online filing tool and they were able to accommodate it.
I have a small enough income that the federal return was free to do, but the state portion would have cost money to file online. I filled it out, looked at the final numbers and wrote them down, then deleted the state return so I didn’t have to pay for it, and now I’m filing that part using the fill-in forms and checking my work against the H&R numbers.
If you’re not taking any deductions for it and you’re under the filing threshold, I probably wouldn’t even bother—I think even for that small of an amount they’d require you to pay some self-employment taxes on it, which are WAY more than normal taxes since you have to cover what your “employer” didn’t.
One nice thing about Turbotax is that they will calculate your estimated taxes for the following year (and give you pre-printed forms to use for them), which you could obviously do yourself unless you are lazy like me.
I have done my taxes on paper before, and it can be a little confusing, but totally doable. I would not recommend not reporting it if you plan on filing, because as you mentioned, it’s the legal thing to do. There is a chance you don’t have to file at all if your income is very low (http://www.irs.gov/publications/p17/ch01.html#en_US_2013_publink1000170388 explains the requirements). But yeah, if you’re filing because you made other income as well, it’s illegal not to report it.
(I am not a lawyer, this is not legal advice)
Bartender, it is an offense against humanity that you are not drinking a giant glass of (cow/soy/rice/almond) milk with that dish. Such decadence requires milk! Water is a paltry substitute.
any additional food substance (milk included) would have killed the bartender. the bartender wants to LIVE.
Or, jeez, at least an espresso.
Toasties, I am getting my hair cut and dyed today (from my natural plain brown to a reddish brown auburn sort of thing) and although I am excited, I am very nervous!
Yay! That’s exciting! I demand pics later!
My natural color is an unholy mix of blond, dark brown, and red that just looks muddy, so I’ve been dying it since my mom would let me. Reddish brown auburn is always my go-to when I have to have natural hair colors, instead of my preferred crayon colored hair. I hope you love it!
Can’t wait to see!
Ooh, fun! A lot of brunettes look fantastic as redheads, so you’ll be in good company! Good luck and post pictures!
It’ll be great! I’m also a fake redhead.
Dude, me tooo! Only dark red highlights/lowlights vs. reddish brown. Never done anything like this before. Good luck, and I can’t wait to see how it turns out for both of us! *solidarity fistbump*
Toasties! How do healthy families handle communication in significant health troubles?
I just learned I have an Incredible Uterine Hulk and it needs to be removed. Only my partner, one old friend, and one cousin know about this. When would you counsel I tell others, and how would you suggest I do so?
I avoid giving my mother anything to worry over. She has lifelong, untreated generalized anxiety. She’s also quite sheltered. Go figure. I figure I can tell her after all is complete and nature of Hulk is known (cancer?).
But she was raised to perceive women as less-than, perpetual children. Everyone around her condescends to her. I believe she is actually a very strong person, but just doesn’t know it. Of course, at her age, nothing is likely to change. But am I part of the problem, sparing her the details?
Mine was an unhappy childhood and my mental health has required avoidance of reminders of it. So I’ve been out-of-touch with all family, or at arm’s length, or just infrequent contact for decades. So continued silence would not be surprising from me. But if one of my siblings for example had major surgery, I would feel bad to learn I had not been told. Not sure they care that much, though.
What say you, wise and kind Toasties?
I have no idea what to say but your mother sounds like my mother!
It is actually comforting to know that I’m not alone in the believes-she’s-helpless mother situation. Thanks very much. Sincerely.
Is your mother Southern? United-States-Southern, that is. Mine is. Do you think that explains them?
My mom is from Southern India as am I although I grew up in the United States mostly. I think culture might have had an impact but there is something else underlying. I mean, I know other people from the same area with similar upbringings, like my aunt, who don’t blame me for their anxiety about things.
I mean, also, I am going to advice you to do something that no one else is recommending which is to not tell your mom until something comes of it? I’ve done that with my mom and she still gets upset but it’s better for me to have the facts in hand before I talk to her. I usually just play it off as though it was not exciting or interesting or that the doctor had not made a big deal of it so I wasn’t making a big deal of it which made it reasonable to my mother that I hadn’t told her immediately.
That’s tough, since you’re not in regular contact…. I’d probably wait until you have a diagnosis / surgery scheduled or whatever, and then maybe do a quick phone call / e-mail / however you prefer to communicate…
But, if you think that telling them will unleash a load of shit you will have to deal with while recuperating, it is totally ok to just not tell them. You have to take care of yourself first! You can also pick and choose who you tell depending on how douchey they are likely to be.
Good luck with your Hulk; I hope it all goes well for you.
Yeah I think I’d do the same; wait until everything was confirmed, then a quick email or phone call – “This is happening, I’m taking care of it, surgery is this date, no I don’t need anything from you bye”
Good luck RoseCamelia
Obviously your mother will not like hearing her daughter has any sort of Uterine Hulk, but I do think you should tell her. My family is one of those that will not tell you something is wrong until it’s terminal/completely over, and it’s infuriating to be left out. It’s one thing if you didn’t know your second cousin got surgery, but I’ve had many times being the last to know about grandparents or even my own parents, or that my stepdad has “not wanted to worry” my mom with something about my stepsiblings and then she gets frustrated that she is the last to know.
I think it’s an instance of treating your family like you’d want to be treated. You say you’d want to know if they had major surgery, even if you aren’t that close with them. They may feel the same way, and it just takes you reaching out. You don’t have to go into every detail, and you can maybe wait until you know more, but I think a heads-up phone call would make everyone feel better.
Thanks, Jaya and lemonadefish. My partner has offered to make phone calls for me. But I am leaning toward waiting for a surgery date, then waiting until only a couple of days before it. Won’t have a diagnosis until post-surgery biopsy, so that’s a separate call, I guess.
I appreciate the reminder to take care of myself. I leave that too far down the list sometimes and I do anticipate some stress with any communication. Still not sure what I’ll do, but y’all have helped. Thanks very much.
Oh jeez, the “I don’t want you to worry” family. My mother’s family was TERRIBLE about doing that, my ma included. I think she’s finally growing out of it, though, as it was bad enough that one of her sisters told no one she had cancer until 2 weeks before she died but then another sister did the same thing a few years later. My folks were so hurt and upset by that, but it made them realize that you’re not doing anyone any favors by withholding information until it’s too late.
If you’re not close to your family, I think it would be understandable to wait until you know more (so after the surgery) until sharing it. It’s not just about sparing your mother’s anxiety, it’s about sparing yourself the stress of your family’s reactions until you’re ready to handle them. Do what will make you feel comfortable, and don’t worry about their possible hurt feelings or whether you’re playing into the “I’m a weak woman” ideas your mother has.
Best of luck!
Hugs to you. I know I have had to make some decisions based on a cost-benefit analysis of the Reality of My Family and how they deal with information vs. my own well-being. If I were to tell my own mother about something like this, she would be so overcome with anxiety that I would end up comforting HER, which is not what I, or someone in your situation needs. But the crazy thing about family is that sometimes they really surprise us! Maybe your mom will actually be really supportive? I think go with your gut – if you want to wait until you have more information to communicate, I will support that is Totally an OK thing to do. And if you do tell your family, it’s also okay to cut off their own anxiety and encourage them to find other people to listen. Maybe having your partner call, like they offered, would be a great way to distance yourself from the anxiety?
Best of luck, fingers crossed for a benign hulk.
All of you are so kind. Thanks so much for the virtual hugs. Someone is chopping onions near my desk, I think.
I think you have a lot on your plate! I think you should do what is best for *you* right now. Would telling your mom make you feel less alone? Or would it make things very stressful? This is a time to worry about yourself.
My dear lovely lady, you sound like one of those women who thinks of others all the time (another difficult thing about being socialized as female). Let this one be about you.
Casting for Middlemarch BBC miniseries remake? I’m thinking Richard Madden (Rob Stark) as Dr. Lydgate; Kit Harrington as sad bastard Will Ladislaw (won’t be too much of a stretch); Colin Firth as Rev. Farebrother. Very torn on who would play any of the female leads. Thoughts?
1993 Hugh Grant would make a great Fred Vinchy.
Romola Garai was so good in Emma that I think she might make a good Rosamond.
HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY. HOCKEY? HOCKEY.
(US-CANADA THREAD, BOTH GAMES)
YES! Why am I at work, hitting refresh on ESPN and not AT THE BAR. Gah.
Too much stone-cold sober hockey watching.
Although, if Canada wins today, they’re opening up the bars at 7:00 AM on Sunday morning for people to watch the men’s final.
Ooh did they officially decide on that? I knew it was going to be proposed, but I never heard any follow up! This is nice, as I live above a bar!
Oh man, 7 a.m. hockey watching (actually sounds pretty bomb?).
I’ve always wondered what it’s like to live above a bar. Like, pros/cons. I am terrible at cultivating a neighborhood drinking hole, so I feel like that would help?
It’s pretty nice! We get cheaper rent because of the noise, but the place is soundproofed as well, so we only really get noise on friday nights when they have live music.
Other than that, I never have to walk more than like, 20 steps to get beer and wings. Though our bar has a mediocre beer selection. But that’s okay because it keeps away the young rowdy crowds.
That sounds ideal! I imagine it as HIMYM-like, since they never seem to have any problems with noise. Also, WINGS.
Proximity to dog park/bar is my version of finding the right school district now.
I know! I would love to live right near to a bar — I have one I like two blocks away, but it still feels two blocks too far.
I’m right next to a dog park though, which makes up for it.
Yes! Here’s the official announcement: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/toronto/toron…
Early morning breakfast on Sunday morning for me.
4:00 AM here on the west coast. I’m not sure there’ll be a lot of takers, though. I know a bunch of people planning to watch it live, but I don’t think any of them are going to drag themselves to a (liquorless) bar to watch.
YESSSSS! I had a meeting that ran over but I totally just ate my lunch while watching hockey at my desk. I seriously considered going to a bar for 3 hours in the middle of the day.
Because I tend to mostly ignore the olympics, I didn’t start watching yesterday until the start of overtime. But it was great overtime! And I’m kind of sad to have missed the rest. And now I’ve spent the morning looking up CWHL game info.
I also missed pretty much all of the curling, but there do exist other widely-televised women’s curling championships, so I’m less sad about that.
(I’m cheering for Canada, in case my assertion that widely-televised curling championships exist didn’t give my Canadian-ness away.)
Tickets are $10 for CWHL games. Wow.
Right?
Unfortunately, none of them are in my city. But the closest team’s home games do have live streaming audio, so I guess I’ll start with that.
EDIT: Ooh, and there’s streaming video for “select regular season games”.
HOCKEY HOCKEY HOCKEY
I’m watching a British feed online since I don’t have other means available. Listening to them call the game is… interesting. They don’t really know the names and they are using British slang and footie terms to describe it. Beggars can’t be choosers, though.
Hahaha I did this for the last game and it was great/weird. I’m in Europe and getting the Canadian coverage from here though: http://www.stream2watch.me/olympic-winter-games-s…
HOCKEY? HOCKEY. HOCKEY! THIS GAME, I AM DYING. LIKE A MILLION HEART ATTACKS A MINUTE, FROM THE BEGINNING.
JONATHAN QUICK, YOU ARE AMAZEBALLS, KEEP IT UP. THAT’S ALL. *dives back into the game*
Heart Attack City over here too.
The US Women’s Hockey Team now holds the gold medal in breaking my heart. Half of my family (my mom’s side) is Canadian, and I’ve been licking my wounds re: the gold medal game, and they’ve only been polite and nice about it (“Well, there’s still the men’s game, so don’t worry! You guys could still win!”), further enraging me.
Aww, I’m so sorry! It’s been a rough couple of days for US Hockey.
Damn you, Canucks. Always rubbing sugar into the wound.
I am in a bad mood because OF COURSE this is the day that I have a project keeping me at my desk.
YES YES YES I AM A CANADA YES
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I AM SO UPSET (AND ALSO REALLY EXHAUSTED FROM BEING SO INTO THE GAME). Canada played really, really well and I am supportive of all their endeavors until it comes to playing the US in hockey, APPARENTLY, when my dormant patriotism makes an appearance. UGH JONATHAN QUICK, YOU WERE SO GOOD (as was Carey Price, FINE IT’S TRUE, AMAZING, UGH), AUGHH.
We’ve been streaming the games in the department seminar room all week, which has been great. Best use of the projector in a while!
Also YAY CANADA WOOOOO!
CANADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I actually just can not calm down and get the work done I need to get done. I’m so excited. I LOVE IT WHEN WE DOUBLE GOLD IN HOCKEY.
Hi where are you eating this?
Bongo room, Chicago (south loop)
I met my new boss on Wednesday. He seems nice, the people don’t seem horrible though I’ve hardly met them. I hope this new team is an improvement! *crosses fingers* I don’t start until the 3rd of March though, so it feels like a loooooooong way off.
Still working with evil coworker?
THE NEMESIS REMAINS >:[
I applied for a job in a Field I Actually Want To Work In, in a City I Actually Want To Live In!
I will celebrate by watching Fiery Roman Death In 3D tomorrow. It will be glorious.
Congratulations! These days, a lot of people have trouble getting one or the other, so getting both at the same time is a real coup.
Heh, well, the job is merely applied for, whether or not I actually GET is is another issue entirely. I’m just happy to be making positive efforts at this point.
Here’s hoping you have better luck than most of those Pompeiians!
I am in the midst of background check hell. I just want to start my new job but every day I get a call saying “fax us this thing! MOAR references! Print out this thing and fill it out and then scan it and email it! This will cost you $15 at the UPS store! SURPRISE!” It never ennnnnnds. I know I’m lucky to even have a (pending) job but this is driving me up a wall.
Also, bittersweet chocolate chunk bread sounds DIVINE gimme gimme.
Been there. My sympathies. It truly does suck. It helped me to remember I was getting a government security clearance out of it. That was more than 10 years ago. Haven’t needed that clearance in almost as many years, but it still helps me get jobs. It tells employers I have been thoroughly investigated (by the FBI) and been found thoroughly trustworthy. Wishing you magical refills of patience and, tonight, a really good beer.
I am actively looking forward to about 2 and a half years from now when I will have worked for the same company for 10 years, all of which is documented publicly due to my line of work, and I will never have to go scrounging for old paystubs or call defunct human resources departments again.
Guys! I’m going to see Maria Bamford in Ann Arbor on March 9th! http://www.aacomedy.com/zmar9.cfm
I am the luckiest boy in the world. Who’s coming?
I have been planning a weekend getaway there, so pass along any advice!
Arin! I’m sorry buddy. I have never stayed anywhere out there so I’m not sure? But it’s a great college town.
I’m working from home today because of the 8-12″ of new snow that just got dumped here. But “working” may be drifting into “watching Olympics and promising myself that I’ll catch up on Saturday and Sunday.”
I also want to brag a little bit that I’m using my tax refund to completely and totally pay off all my debt and I will be financially in the black for the first time in many years!!! Responsibility!!!
That is amazing and impressive and wonderful. You should be extremely proud!
CHAMPAGNE TIME FOR REAL.
I am impressed, and quite jealous. My student loans promise me many more years of debt.
That’s awesome! Congrats to you for being so responsible! I’m going to try to follow in your footsteps by using the 2013 bonus I just got today to pay off some credit card debt.
Are you … are you magic?
(I am eaten up with envy, Sallie Mae will be breathing down my neck for the rest of my natural life …)
I will totally have my student loans paid off when I am 55! Plenty of good years left after that…
So much time to save for retirement!
AWESOME.
YAY! Congrats!!! I recently paid off my credit cards and just got a statement for the first time in years that said “New balance: $0; Payment due: $0” SO WORTH IT
My mom came to visit me for a few days this week and we had such a good time. We walked a ton and ate so much good food and generally had a grand old time…and now my apartment feels so quiet and empty by comparison, it’s back to work, vacation is over, blah. So I’m trying to fill up the coming days with things to look forward to—pie breakfast with friends, fondue night with other friends, etc.
Also I bought a ticket to see Lorrie Moore speak about her new book in April, I’m so exciiiited.
Going to see Claire Zulkey at The Hideout tonight and I am fucking excited!
I am playing the new(ish) Tomb Raider game and I… really like it? It feels kind of Arkham/Metroid-y and the combat and movement are great. And I really like Lara! I did not expect that. Also I feel like she and Sam are dating but I am not done with the game yet so I don’t want to know if Sam bites it before the end.
I haven’t played much Bravely Default this week because I was finishing The Golem and the Jinni, starting Hild, and playing Threes on the train. Ugh, Threes. Why so addictive?
Also, I am back on the healthy eating/drinking lots of water train but I just don’t think my bladder can handle this. Anyone else with a really teeny bladder struggle with 8 cups of water a day? I am up from my desk every fifteen minutes and waking up every couple of hours at night. (There’s nothing wrong with me, official diagnosis is just hereditary teeny bladder.)
Maybe add a little more salt to your diet? If you don’t have enough salt, it’s hard to absorb the water, and it flows right out. Also sip slowly rather than chugging it down in bursts…
Oh, I am a salt fiend. If anything, I eat far, far too much salt but I prefer to just pretend that it’s not slowly pickling me from inside out.
I also have tiny bladder and I cope by reminding myself that it’s healthy to get up from your desk a lot.
It’s 8 cups of total fluid per day. That includes fluid from food. After your morning cereal-and-milk, afternoon tomoto-in-the-sandwich, apple, etc., you only need a couple glasses of water at most.
That’s the best news I’ve heard all day!
Actually, I think the writer (Rhianna Pratchett!) is on record as having originally wanted Lara to be gay and in a relationship with Sam. But, you know, the AAA games industry. I probably should get around to playing that at some point, but I’ve doomed myself with a giant backlog from Steam sales.
Also the Golem and the Jinni is amaaaaazing (and I think strangely enough I read Hild right after it too?).
I will take the subtext and run with it, then!
I loved the Golem and the Jinni and I’m enjoying Hild although I need to keep looking up the old dialect words that I haven’t already learned through fantasy books.
Yeah, I ultimately regretted buying that one in ebook form. There’s a glossary in the back, yes? My old Kindle doesn’t do the whole “flipping between bookmarks” thing well, so I was mostly going on memory once I learned a new word.
I am also on the drinking-lots-of-water train, because left to my own devices, I’d probably drink one cup and leave it at that. I am also peeing like crazy, but I try not to drink for at least an hour before bed, so I only get up once.
Slow sipping tends to be better than the huge-gulping-let’s-get-this-over-with as far as the peeing alllll the tiiiiime…but I hate sipping water, so I go for decaf tea when I’m at my desk at work, or low-sodium tomato juice, that kind of stuff?
I’ve been playing a bit of Bravely Default! I’m glad you encouraged me to get it, Ringabel is more tolerable than I expected from that one review.
Y’all. Not to be repetitive, but that gifset from the link roundup earlier? I just looked at it, and I have died an actual death. I am trying so hard to control my laughter at work, but it’s still seeping out in snorts and tears. Anyone who walks by my door right now will probably think I’m in tremendous physical and/or emotional agony. (Here, for those who missed it!)
Agreed, 100%.
I can’t even get past the Frodo gif without starting my silent-laughter-shaking.
Sponge Bob with his useless, bendy spatula hits a little too close to home.
THE WATERMELON OH GOD
The guy with the pocket
yes
I miss “The Week in Reading” posts! What are you reading this week, Toasties?
I just finished “The Buccaneers” by Edith Wharton. It was so happy, I was confused and expected the main character to drop dead on the last page.
I just finished “Americanah,” which is amaaaaaazing. Now I’m reading Katie Heaney’s new book, which is of course hilarious and great.
I stayed up late last night reading the last 200 pages of Americanah. What an incredible, captivating read! Now I’m diving into Chimamanda Adichie’s backlist (as well as Taiye Selasi’s “Ghana Must Go,” speaking of novels by kickass African women).
I will walk down the aisle with “Ghana Must Go” as soon as human-book marriages are legal. (We… may have anticipated our vows, that book and I. I couldn’t help it. It was soooo fucking divine.)
I spent the last two months or so reading everything Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie has written and it’s all amazingggggg.
I’m currently reading Equilateral, which is about an astronomer in the 19th century, who is, basically, attempting to have a gigantic equilateral triangle built in the desert of Egypt and then set on fire when it will most visible to the beings he / the 19th century believe inhabit Mars (you know, canals and all that).
It is as great as it sounds.
I want to note, here, though, because I think that this is the right place to note:
THIS YEAR ALONE, books I’ve read thanks to recommendations on the Toast include:
Katie Heaney’s book, Eleanor and Park, Gaudy Nights, and Americanah. And the instant I finish Equilateral (probably tonight), I am excited to start / finish Rachel Shukert’s two YA books…!
I just finished “Vicious” by V.E. Schwab. Loved it. Looking at maybe picking up Ioanna Bourazopoulou’s “What Lot’s Wife Saw” this weekend.
I too just finished Americanah and was so sad when I had to return it to the library because I wanted to read it 37482947 more times. I also just started Speedboat by Renata Adler for my book club and I’m not sure what to make of it yet.
I’m about 50 pages from the end of MaddAddam by Margaret Atwood (so good!) and have no idea what I’m going to read next. So… I think I’ll camp out in this thread for a while. 🙂
I FORGOT THAT CAME OUT brb gotta go put a hold on at my library immediately
I’m reading A Queer and Pleasant Danger: The true story of a nice Jewish boy who joins the Church of Scientology, and leaves twelve years later to become the lovely lady she is today, I think on recommendation from Toasties?? Anyway, it’s hilarious and I love it.
I just started The Islanders by Christopher Priest, but I feel like I should also say that last week I was reading The Female Man by Joanna Russ. Let’s all read this and quote it at each other.
Seriously: “She showed him all her teeth. He saw a smile.”
I just finished the fifth (and final, currently) book in the Game of Thrones series. I’ve been reading those books since June– it’s weird to not have them on my commute anymore! They certainly weren’t my favorite books of all time, but I did enjoy them.
Now I’ve picked up “Never Let Me Go” by Kazuo Ishiguro. I think I saw recommendations for it here, or maybe Hairpin? It’s ok so far– I’m not wild about the conversational tone, but I am intrigued about the mysterious things that are being alluded to.
I’ve never read “Never Let Me Go,” but I liked the movie! Even though it made me pretty angry on behalf of the characters.
I didn’t even know there was a movie! It’s kind of cool, though, because I purposely didn’t read anything about the book before starting–I heard it’s better that way– so I have no idea what’s going to happen. (I just started yesterday.) The vaguely sinister undertones are making me nervous, but I’m super curious.
It has Andrew Garfield, Carey Mulligan, and Keira Knightley! Not sure if these were good casting choices, but imagine them in your head as you read and see if they fit.
tears, in my eyes, just from your mentioning that book.
Never Let Me Go will slowly crush you. I still think The Remains of the Day is better, though, as far as Ishiguro novels about huge-personal-sacrifices-made-in-the-name-of-misguided-senses-of-duty go.
I agree that the movie is good! In the book the mysterious things have a slow-burn reveal from what I remember, and they are great. Well, depressing, but fascinating? Oof.
I really enjoyed “Never Let Me Go”, though I definitely know what you mean about the conversational tone (I can’t remember if I found it off-putting or not, but it Was Noticeable for sure).
also I second the yeah-elle on “The Remains of the Day” – that’s my favorite Ishiguro. Also, “A Pale View of Hills” was REALLY intriguing and disturbing (in a good way). I think I pushed that one on a loooot of people after finishing it just so I could talk about it with someone.
Just added “A Pale View of Hills” to my Goodreads– thanks!
“A Pale View of Hills” definitely gave me a nightmare, haha. It kind of reminded me of “The Turn of the Screw”? It was an intense book to read, but ultimately it was a lot less fulfilling than “The Remains of the Day” or “Never Let Me Go.”
The Chronicles of Prydain! They seem like they were written for a younger set than I remember, but they still keep me engrossed on the train.
I am reading Cold Magic, and have the rest of that series and Hild on-deck, because Toastie book recommendations are the best book recommendations
I’m trying to read all the as-yet-unread Lorrie Moore books I’ve missed before I see her speak in March, so I’m a few sections into Anagrams, and it’s pretty good! Nothing will beat Who Will Run the Frog Hospital?, though.
I’m reading Waterfall by Margaret Drabble and enjoying its cold sort of funniness.
I’m reading Villette, and I’ve finally gotten to the point in the book where I actually really love it and get why so many Toasties/’Pinners love it.
I finished Order of the Phoenix (Oh Capslock!Harry…never change) and started Half-Blood Prince!
Yoooo I re-read them this week also! Teen Angst Harry is sort of hilariously annoying but then I realize it’s like Catcher in the Rye and he’s not just an asshole he is also totally traumatized by death and I feel a little more lenient.
My favorite Harry. So angry. So stupid.
I’m currently reading Thank You For Your Service by David Finkel and it is killing me. I just finished reading Hungry Hearts by Anzia Yezierska, which I loved. I think it was mentioned in the reading all women post on here actually. And it was free on kindle! Everyone go read it and then curse in Yiddish!
I have Thank You For Your Service on my list and I can’t wait in a good/bad way.
Hungry Hearts is on my to-read list! Thank you for letting me know about the free for kindle thing!
Just finished re-reading the entire Harry Potter series (my emotions!!!) and am now about to start The Flamethrowers, which comes highly recommended by a coworker I trust so yaaaaay!
Not reading it yet, but my copy of “Hild” should be waiting at my doorstep when I get home from work today. 😀
I’m in the middle of 1000 books because of The Rooster Tournament of Books. Like, I had to put DOWN Americannah (augh! it’s so good! I want it back!) because it stupidly didn’t make the shortlist, so now I’m in the midst of:
Long Division by Kiese Laymon
The People in the Trees by Hanya Yanagihara
The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert
The Dinner by Herman Koch
This is very much too many books happening at the same time (though 2 are audio & 2 print, which helps my brain), so I’ll probably go read Courtney Milan’s latest tonight to clear my head, then go back and systematically finish some stuff.
I empathize. Thankfully I’d already read The Dinner and Eleanor & Park and managed to read 4 others since the short list came out, but I still have 6.5 left to get through of the ones I decided to read! I need an extra month
I was sure Americanah would make it on–I’m really bummed that it didn’t.
“Herland” by Charlotte Perkins Gilman. It’s a feminist utopian novel. Really good & interesting.
I’m reading “Run River” by Joan Didion. I’m not very far in but it’s very good so far; I loveee her but tend to like her essays/memoirs a lot more than her fiction (except for “Play It As It Lays,” which is great) but this may be the exception.
I read the Succubus series by Richelle Mead (thanks embryoconcepts for lending them to me!) and then started her Black Swan series. I’m also still working through Busman’s Honeymoon because I don’t want Wimsey/Vane to endddddddddd
“Fun Home,” which was sitting pointlessly in my Amazon wishlist for ages until The Toast reminded me I hadn’t gotten around to reading it. It’s great.
Before that, I re-read Lonesome Dove, because I always forget the endings of books I’ve already read. You all, that book is a DOWNER. I remembered enough so I knew there was going to be some sadness, but I had convinced myself that there was a somewhat hopeful ending. That was a coping mechanism apparently, because damn.
My husband drives around a lot for work, and listens to a lot of audiobooks, so I listen to lots of partial audiobooks. He did Lonesome Dove not too long ago, and then I told him there are a million more books about the characters, so he listened to those. And then we watched Lonesome Dove on Netflix. And now, we’re watching Comanche Moon (going off streaming March 1 in the US. Don’t sleep!). And Linda Cardellini from Freaks and Geeks plays young Clara, and Val Kilmer is redic. I am not fully cognizant of how my household became and all-McMurtry all the the time joint, but I guess that just happens sometimes.
Have you seen the miniseries for the Buccaneers? It’s quite good, but generated some controversy over how they decided to end it. Cast really well, though.
I’ve been reading “The Documents in the Case” by Dorothy Sayers. Winter makes me crave murder mysteries.
I have a copy of that from the library sitting on the shelf for when I’m done with Busman’s Honeymoon and a few other things.
Really? I heard it was not as good as the words “BBC miniseries” would lead you to believe. If not I better get on it! I haven’t even seen the Age of Innocence miniseries (with Daniel Day Lewis!) so I might start there first.
I started “The Goldfinch,” but February was a bad time to start a book where the entire first chunk of it is about loss and grieving. I ALREADY FEEL QUITE BAD ENOUGH, THANK YOU.
Is there a Toasties group on Goodreads? I don’t use it much but I forget what thread these recommendations were in/what they were and would love to just have them in one place. Maybe you have already worked this out?
I am still reading Blessed by Kate Bowler, which I was reading the last time we did this.
I am also reading an upcoming YA novel that is a retelling of The Great Gatsby.
I am anxiously awaiting having time to return to my Anastasia Krupnik re-reads.
I started reading sci fi recently and just finished The Left Hand of Darkness. I was kind of wary because I was bracing for gender essentialist nonsense but it wasn’t too bad. Also if anybody feels inclined to recommend sci fi books, that is a thing you should definitely do.
Sherri S. Tepper is good but – all of her books are kind of about the same thing? Always interesting though. Louis McMaster Bujold is a a delight, especially the Vorkosigan Saga. Nancy Kress and Kage Baker were some of my favorites when I was a teenager. I also read Octavia Butler’s Fledgling recently and really enjoyed it.
If you want to read some of the old white guy classics, I highly recommend going the short story route. There are some collections of Asimov’s early work (called “Early Asimov” or something) that are fun because they have forewords about how he sold each story/ what he was otherwise up to in life. And Ray Bradbury just depresses the bejesus out of me, so I prefer him in short story form.
I’m working my way through the Lemony Snicket books. They’re YA skewing young, I think, but I’m finding them delightful.
Can we have an official Complain About The Weather area, because today seems like the day for that. Walking to work is the new winter olympics.
Category 1: avoiding the giant lakes at every street corner.
Category 2: guessing which car will avoid the puddle, and which car won’t notice and therefore splash you with icy slush water (A more challenging sport on the same course as Cat 1)
Category 3: impromptu ice-skating where the massive piles of snow haven’t yet melted, only turned slick.
It warmed up here on the East Coast, finally! After two weeks of snow, there’s horrible grey grit snow everywhere. And now it is raining and all the roads are full of puddles. Which hide massive gaping potholes. The main road in my town is now like 90% water-filled potholes. I remain firm in my desire to never to leave the house again.
Yeah, pros and cons to the east coast starting to thaw. Is that an ice slick, or a slush puddle? ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
And it waaaaaaas….both!
Ooh, an icy patch disguised by a layer of extra slick slush! The real question is: Did she stick the landing when she fell?
One of my supervisors literally had to call out of work yesterday because she was pretty sure she’d broken her tailbone during a fall she sustained on the walk to work. NOT COOL, WEATHER.
Today it is 55 degrees and humid with a tornado and thunderstorm warning. The worst part is, after that interminable polar vortex, I’m like, “I’ll take it!”
Don’t worry, apparently the high is going to be 28F by next Thursday. *dies*
I will help you feel bad about your weather by telling you that it’s currently 55 and sunny here, and tomorrow the high is 70.
brb stealing a jet
All the sympathy from someone else who walks to work.
And because I live in a close-to-the-college-campus neighborhood, most of the home-owners are either academics who are Too Good To Shovel Their Damn Sidewalks or Slumlords Who Would Rather Pay The City Fine Than Shovel.
Ugh.
Haha, I think I walked through that same college campus last week. It’s all about the students who are living in their own little worlds and their not-giving-a-shit landlords. The whole neighborhood was one big luge track.
I HATE those assholes. All of them.
Oooh, “academics who are Too Good To Shovel Their Damn Sidewalks” explains so much.
Hi, I’m in Cambridge, Mass.
one of my coworkers slipped and fell on the walk into work yesterday, and I’ve heard of a bunch of other people slipping too! why can’t everything just melt already!!
I’ve been playing a lot of “ice or water!” and “can I feasibly walk on this?” for the past few weeks so I feel your pain.
We’re having so many temp and pressure changes here that my sinuses have given up on life. 25F and raining in the AM, 68 and sunny by afternoon. And dry. It is so very dry. Before bed, I go into my bathroom and blast the hot water in my shower and just stand next to it for 10 minutes. The goal is to be able to breathe just enough to get to sleep, so I can wake up with razor blade throat in the morning anyway.
I have no idea if LinkedIn is like a useful thing, but does anyone want to “connect”? trying to build my [misandrist] network because I am leaving my job in April aghhhH!
What’s your field, approximately? I’d be happy to be LinkedIn bros, but I work in (academic) publishing, so not sure how relevant that is to your life. I know we live in the same area, though, so maybe that counts for something? WHO KNOWS, LinkedIn is such a mystery.
Yeah, I dont get LinkedIn. I basically just want to fight the “old boys network.” I work at a literary agency for cookbooks and I do mostly marketing stuff. Does your publisher do any food-related books?
Add me, if you want:
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/corinne-fay/12/145/a15/
Oh wow that’s really cool! I WISH we did food stuff, but sadly we publish only the very driest economics/law/public policy/business & management books. If you’re looking to stay in publishing in the area, though, I know that there’s a new press being launched at one of the local colleges (the really really pretentious one) and that they’re going to be hiring as soon as they finalize their funding.
Do you like your current job? Not sure if my boss is going to hire someone after I leave, but if she does I can let you know! It seems like there could definitely be some good overlap if you want a new job.
There are some issues (salary, annoying out-of-country bosses, salary UGH), but overall I like it a lot. My co-workers are all the best people and the whole office gets along super great, which I know is a rarity. I also get to travel a lot and have just been given a whole bunch of new responsibilities, and my amazing boss is trying really hard to get me the promotion & raise that should come with that. So I’m good, for now at least. But thanks!
I’m currently looking for work and am useless at, but registered on LinkedIn as Heather Seggel. Can’t all the unemployed Toasties form some kind of Misandrist Virtual Assistant network?
just added you!
Art history majors not working in art history anymore unite! http://www.linkedin.com/in/burkhalterwhitney/
me too! just added you.
You guys, there is only sugar-free hot chocolate in the work kitchen right now. This is unacceptable. Sugar-free hot chocolate is an abomination. It is an affront to the very name of Beverage. I would order it burned, did I not know that the vile fumes would plunge us all into grasping, quivering nightmares from which there is no waking even unto the end of time. Were my greatest enemies brought low before me, groveling and pitiful, I would sooner pour melted gold down their throats than force such a brew upon them. When it comes time for us, as a species, as a civilization, to be judged, I pray that those who stand above us do not discover this affront to all that is good, for in the face of sugar-free hot chocolate, even our greatest works of art, our highest scientific achievements, will crumble into dust.
It’s gross, is what I’m saying.
Yo, I could listen to you hate on things all day.
We keep sugar-free hot chocolate mix in the house because my partner is diabetic. It’s the only way he can have any. And the strangest thing happened.
So one night we served hot chocolate as dessert for a winter dinner party. Everyone asked for seconds so I went back to the kitchen and discovered we had run out. However, we had plenty of sugar-free hot chocolate mix, so I served that. Guess what? Everyone said the second batch was better than the first.
We did taste tests with other friends after that, giving everyone half a mug of each kind of hot chocolate, both by Swiss Miss, one regular, the other sugar-free mix. Every taste test indicated better flavor for the sugar-free. We were shocked. We no longer buy the regular mix. We serve everyone the sugar-free, diabetic or not.
Thank you to all the lovely Toasties who gave me recommendations on stuff to do in San Francisco!! Sadly I was really only able to get to the rainforest dome, because my man’s parents and I have different ideas about what constitutes “fun” and we could at least agree on that. We also went to the Japanese tea garden, which was LOVELY. Sadly, the mother-in-law-if-we-were-married had a heart attack while we were there, so although none of you recommended going to the Kaiser hospital in Santa Clara, I did get to explore it quite thoroughly.
What? OMG! Oh, the poor lady – how is she now? I’m so sorry 🙁
She’s ok! Thankfully it wasn’t a “terrible” heart attack (putting that in quotes because I’m pretty sure that any heart attack by definition is terrible), so she’s just got a stent in and is taking some time off from work to recover. The bright spot of the hospital experience was that her cardiac surgeon popped into the room after his shift ended and he was carrying a bag of apples. Like, literally just walking around with a bunch of apples, trying his hardest to embody all of the cliches.
“I WANT TO GO HOME. TAKE THIS, AND I WILL BE KEPT AWAY. LET ME REST.”
How do you deal with a friendship that is dying?
My friend and I used to be extremely close and lived together before I went off to grad school, and it was super fun and awesome, etc. When I left to go to grad school two provinces away we sort of grew apart, and then I met my now-husband and we grew apart even more. Now we are relatively close in geography, a few hours away, but I find myself less and less inclined to hang out with her. She is very into having a “cool job” and going to trendy book readings and poetry slams in hipster neighbourhoods, and shopping at indie boutiques and going to concerts in underground bars. I got married to a guy in the army, moved around with him, plan on having kids in a couple of years, and put my energy into freelance writing and my family. We have been slowly drifting apart for a while, but after a visit a couple weeks I’m beginning to realize that we just don’t have that much in common anymore. She doesn’t really like my husband, and I get the impression that she really disapproves of my life choices.
(Also last year I went to visit her and it was a total bust–we went out with friends we both know and they spent the whole time talking about their future plans, inside jokes, and generally made me feel like a country bumpkin and super boring.)
What do you do with a dying friendship? Talk it out? Let it slowly wither away? Change your name and move to South America? Take to the sea?
I think if you arent enjoying time together, let it wither!
Just let it go float off into the air. There’s nothing to talk about it sounds like (not like you’ve had some terrible fight or something), so there’s no point talking it out. It is very very rare to have a friend that will last your whole life, and that’s ok – some friends, even if they were very close, were only meant to be for a while.
Just send a Christmas card, and call her if you ever need advice on poetry slams. Who knows, you might find yourselves close again in ten years or something!
I really like Captain Awkward’s posts on letting go of friendships that don’t work anymore – she tags these posts “the african violet of broken friendships.” http://captainawkward.com/tag/the-african-violet-…
My decisions to end certain friendships have been among the best decisions I have made.
I’m going through something similar – friend from high school that I kept all through college, but now we’re growing apart except she lives right down the street! I agree with everyone else – there’s no need to ever be outright rude, but it’s fine to just be quiet. Don’t make a huge effort to call/text, don’t make any huge elaborate plans, etc. I am hoping that my future-non-friend and I will pass some sort of threshold where we no longer feel obligated to hang out, and then we can relax and move on with our lives.
It sucks. I’d just sort of… grieve for the lost friendship, and see if you can relegate her in your mind to “sometimes friend” instead of trying to recapture the old closeness. (Although if it feels like she disapproves of you, then maybe just a slow fade is best.) But it’s okay to give yourself some time to be bummed about it.
I’m with everyone else about just letting it go, but wanted to say that my mom (and even myself, although I’m still kind of too young) has had people come in and out of her life in big ways. She had a friend who was just in a totally different place in her life and my mom couldn’t stand to be around her, so she let it sit for a little while and in the past year or so has started seeing her again. Who knows, maybe you’ll find each other again.
A couple of weeks ago I posted asking for advice about what to do about a pay discrepancy situation at work. Thank you, Toasties, for your encouragement to stand up and do something about it. Here’s what has happened so far:
I sent a strongly worded, very professional email to my two immediate bosses outlining why I deserved a raise in the first place (to align with my degree/responsibilities and to bring me up to what we had agreed on pre-budget cuts) and also outlining the pay discrepancy and why it is a problem (namely, that Penis and I have almost identical qualifications and will be doing almost identical work, so he shouldn’t be making 40% more money). This week I met with each boss separately to discuss the problem.
After our meeting, my male boss drafted a memo to “fix” my salary and sent it to me to look at before he sent it up the chain. It only addressed the raise and not the pay discrepancy, and I wrote back telling him as much. Basically, “Gee, thanks for agreeing to pay me what you should have been paying me all along, but there is still this huge discrepancy between my salary and that of my male colleague and I’m not going to just let it drop, you dick,” except, you know, professional. He said he will talk to some people in the department to see what he can do and get back to me.
My female boss is on my side (she called the department an “old white men’s club”) and we’ve discussed what can be done to address the discrepancy. We’ve agreed to let male boss sweat it out and try to come up with a solution before we start on a different track (technically, male boss is in charge of my work group and so it is his job to fix this).
Nothing is resolved yet, but at the very least I will be getting a raise to bring me up to the previously agreed upon salary (plus COLA) when the new projects start.
The best thing to come out of all of this is that it has been a huge confidence boost to stand up for myself in this way. Watch out, world! I am going to ask for what I deserve, and I’m not going to be fucking sorry about it.
YAY! this is heartwarming! SO PROUD.
This is awesome! Go you.
whoa
whoa
I am in awe of what a badass you are right now
whoa
Not only standing up for yourself, but letting the male manager sweat. Damn, I’m impressed!
This is excellent! (Also, not to take away from the general BAMFness of your post, but I absolutely cracked up when you called the guy Penis.)
Nicely done! I’m very proud of/impressed with you for standing up for yourself!
YES! Take what is rightfully yours! And major kudos for making old white men uncomfortable!
This is THE BEST story! GO YOU! GO GO!
And I’m so happy there’s an online community where ladies can support each others’ work-life progress instead of “Hey Ladies, why didn’t Taylor take me to TAPAS?!”/ “Maybe you should try reverse cowgirl”. All the hearts and stars <3 * <3 * <3 * <3 * <3 * <3
But tapas are industry standard.
I am not sure if it was supposed to be read this way but for a second I thought you were seriously suggesting reverse cowgirl as a way to get your friend to take you to tapas. Although I suppose there is someone out there for whom this would work.
Reverse Cowgirl is the tapas of sex. Everyone thinks they want it, but it’s only good in small doses, and you’re always left a little hungry when you’re done.
YES hahaha
reverse cowgirl , according to Kanye West’s new overly informative verse on the “Drunk in Love” remix, is the ONLY clear path to hetero-marraige, so I’m positive it can also get you tapas.
Last night my partner and I watched E1 of American Horror Story Asylum, and at that part where Jessica Lange does this (I can’t post a gif) http://25.media.tumblr.com/831c8fd2a5e31b5bbf5dbb…
he turned to me and was like, “So, is that how you feel?” Yes, yes it is.
BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO! BRAVISSIMA! SOMETHING ELSE CHEERFUL IN ITALIAN WHICH I DON’T KNOW!
This is great, and I’m so delighted at how it’s going and how you’re super and brave and right and strong and awesome.
Good on you! This is legit really impressive, and also inspiring.
*rubs hands with glee* Excellent, another one finds her power!
This is the BAMF way of handling work situations. Taking notes over here!
Hope it continues to work out!
“YEE-AAH” you rock! Your action took guts and courage, and I’m admiring from afar!
I got accidentally got blackout drunk earlier this week with my ex-girlfriend (she’s a pusher and holds her liquor much better than I) and while I remember getting home lots of the time at the bar is fuzzy. So I called ex-girlfriend worried that I had like made out with her or thrown myself at her or something. NOPE made out with this completely different girl who is super, super bad news and used to date my ex. Not awesome.
Further complicating this is my ex totally ratted me out to a mutual friend of ours and was all “wah wah I had to see two of my exes make out” Bitch. Please. You dumped both of us, I didn’t opt-in to being your ex. AND you made out with bad news girl in front of me at the bar two weeks after you dumped me!
Ugh. Drama. My life used to be boring. Anyone got perspectives on the pros/cons of cutting exes off completely vs making friendly acquaintanceship work? Complicated factors: many mutual friends, two mutual clubs, similar-ish fields of work.
What has worked for me: cut off exes almost completely until you can see them without being filled with feelings of any kind and then gently cultivate friendship.
I’m of the burn-the-village-and-salt-the-earth school of Ex Relationships, at least as pertains to any ex I’ve acquired as an adult. I’m friends with dudes I dated in college but those were different times…
ETA: Though I’m admittedly lucky in that none of my Adult Life exes ran in mutual circles, so it’s fairly easy to avoid them. (Granted, small city that I live in, I do have to avoid certain neighborhoods…)
This is what I should have done. It is now a few months later and though I’m still attracted to her I know there are Many Good Reasons not to be with her so it is a lot easier to run into her. Going out drinking with her is a thing I should never do again. At least I only did the 2nd most embarrassing thing (making out with bad news girl, instead of making out/throwing myself at the ex).
I do not have any general rules for exes, but this one sounds like bad news! Certainly don’t go drinking with her anymore…
Maybe you can just be “friends at mutual friends’ events” friends and not “make plans on our own” friends.
This is probably a wise direction. And I will resolve to NOT leave from those networking events with her to go to another bar.
Having made similar mistakes, I’ve removed the booze in situations like that, so if I fuck up again, I know that I was fully behind the decision, instead of Drunk Hugpunch being all, “THIS IS A GREAT IDEA AND ALSO WHERE ARE PIZZA”
This is my approach, cutting down on alcohol has definitely improved my decision-making.
I’m getting my first tattoo tomorrow. So excited, but a little scared.
Mostly because I’m Jewish and there’s still this stigma about tattoos. It’ll be a small sunburst on my ankle, and I have been planning it for six months, and I’m 28, not 18, and I got a referral to a shop/artist, and I’ve already met with him to consult, and I know I am doing this maturely. But I still feel like I’m going to walk in there and turn into a stupid kid making a bad decision! Someone, quick, slap me so I stop feeling like I’m doing something “wrong”!
Enjoy it! I was the first of my little friend group to get a tattoo, and now I have three! I love them all. I have one on the top of my foot, and I love to look at it all the time. You’ll enjoy yours that much too! Yay for self-expression!
Did the foot one hurt more? I’m dead set on the ankle but hoping the rumors about it hurting more are false.
When I got my first tattoo on my ankle (at 23 but back in the dark ages when “good girls” didn’t get tattoos because I am an Old), once the tattoo guy realized I was serious, he suggested moving it slightly upward from the actual ankle bone, to slightly reduce the potential pain. It probably worked, or the adrenalin kept me going, because it wasn’t that bad, really. Plus, the graphic I chose is small, so the pain was short in duration.
Enjoy it! Make sure the graphic is something you love and then be proud that you did it.
It’s your body! Honor it the way you choose!
You go for it. You enjoy it. You revel in it!
yay! go for it! it sounds like you’ve planned out everything pretty well!
ps i’m jewish too, and my mom definitely holds a stigma against tattoos…but even she came around eventually when she saw 1) how happy it made me 2) that i got something pretty, not a skull and crossbones.
Okay, all these replies were super encouraging, but this one made me feel SO MUCH better.
Also, I broke it to my grandfather and he said that he doesn’t like them, but whatever makes me happy makes him happy. So that’s a relief as well!
In my timezone it’s evening right now and I am still at the office, this will be yet another unnecessary +12-hour day caused by the collective incompetence of our management, my boss in particular. The good news: I quit my job two months ago and I’m leaving this dump next friday!
Short-term plans while living off benefits:
Reading the newspaper in the mornings, all of it. In pyjamas.
Spending time outside, remembering what daylight looks like
ALL the wine
ALSO did you know the new St. Vincent album is on NPR First Listen? I’m so glad I remembered this today.
I did not know this, and this is a most excellent fact to know! *Races over there!!*
THANK YOU
yessss i finally got to listen to it today and have been listening on repeat since. it’s so good. she’s so good. SO GOOD.
Holy crap yes. It’s really really good.
I just joined OkCupid for the first time a few days ago. So far I’m finding the process confusing and I don’t really know what I’m doing (like, I still can’t figure out Quickmatch and ratings or what have you…). But anyway, I’d be interested to read some advice, or better yet, some happy success stories, if anyone’s willing to share! All I ever seem to hear are online dating horror stories, but I seem to recall several of you all have met great people on there.
All my advice:
1. Meet in person immediately, if not sooner.
2. Don’t stress about it. OkCupid’s big strength is that it’s incredibly low-stakes, so there’s no reason not to do literally whatever you want (I mean, don’t be unprovokedly terrible, I guess? Campground rules still apply).
That’s it; that’s all I’ve got.
Thanks!!
Just curious, why do you all recommending meeting in person so soon? Is it in case all that long, drawn-out messaging becomes a waste of time when it turns out you have no physical chemistry?
Yes, exactly.
Yes? If you expand the definition of “physical chemistry” to include “all the things that might attract you to a person, in person”? I’ve gone on dates with people who were nice on paper, but who were poor conversationalists, or didn’t get my sense of humor, or inexplicably told me stories about strip clubs, or, sure, whose mouths I just didn’t want to put on my mouth.
I’m on OkCupid to meet someone to spend time with in my corporeal form; I just think it makes sense to move our interactions there as soon as possible.
Yes, that’s what I meant! I didn’t mean physical appearance.
I do enjoy writing e-mails and the like and conversing via the written word, but I get that things like sense of humor (MOST IMPORTANT!!) don’t always translate well that way. So I’ll try to avoid the trap of messaging too long. Anyway, thanks! 🙂
Online dating seems to activate the most utilitarian/mercenary parts of my personality, so while I exchange light banter with some dude online I’m secretly sitting behind my keyboard with my teeth clenched, thinking ARE WE GONNA DO IT OR WHAT.
But if you’re enjoying messaging/chatting–regardless of how it correlates to in-person compatibility–you should keep doing that! We are doing this “for fun.” Allegedly.
I had a lot of fun! I like dating, though. Didn’t meet my one true love or anything, but a few dudes worth keeping around for a few months. I also never bothered to figure out quickmatch or the ratings, but I did find the questions useful. There are a few that are pretty indicative of how a person thinks about various social issues, which matters a lot to me.
Me too! It felt nice to make mandatory certain answers barring homophobia, racism, sexism, etc. at least.
I met my boyfriend on OkCupid. We now live together and he is lovely. But before that, I had a grand old time fucking around and getting my heart broken, and all the boys were stupid, but looking back, it was good fun!
I say, don’t be afraid to be picky! And have fun with it! Also, I loved using the questions to get an idea of if I would get along with someone. I felt they were actually kind of a pretty good indicator.
And yea, meet in person as soon as possible!
“I had a grand old time fucking around and getting my heart broken, and all the boys were stupid, but looking back, it was good fun!”
Yessss, that’s exactly what I’m hoping for!!
“I say, don’t be afraid to be picky!”
I’ll try! I’m feeling the guilt-panged urge to just be nice to everyone, and I know that kind of defeats the purpose of finding someone I would gel with.
Success story: I met my husband (we got married a few months ago) on OK Cupid! Yes, online dating is like searching for a job, and it is mostly awful, but once you weed through the weirdos, you’ll be fine.
I’ll second what other people said: meet right away if you think there’s any interest. I had some decent dates, and some horrible ones, but then I met my guy, and it was great!
Yeah, I’m kind of dreading all the awful dates that will inevitably happen as part of the process, but here’s hoping something good will come of it all 🙂
My husband was the third person I met on OKC!* I also support meeting people in person right away. And, if it’s not stressful to you, having more than one thing going at a time, particularly if you have any tendencies to, say, imagine future grandkids with the guy you just went on a first date with. It helps take the edge off one thing not working out if you already have another one lined up.
Also, it can help to draw some hard lines about what is/ is not okay and stick with them. Mainly so you can sort out the terrible people in a guilt-free way. Put them in your profile as fair warning.
*results not typical
TIPS & TRICKS.
1. Do answer a lot of questions, because they can give you a really good & quick insight into whether the cutie in the pic is actually a raging somethingbadist. Once you get talking, go to ‘the two of us’ and then click on ‘unacceptable answers’ . All your uhm ‘points of friction’ will come up straight away, and then you can decide whether you can overlook them or he simply has to GO
2. Don’t write loooong stories on your profile, keep it short and sweet
3. Whatever you do, DO NOT keep adding to your profile with stuff like: don’t contact me if you’re x or y or z. It’ll look like a CV of your failed dates (which it often is).
4. Just use quickmatch as follows: clicketyclick away, skip the person, even if you like them, and then, underneath the next person, you’ll see on the right “you just skipped this person’ , rightclick on their picture to open in another tab, and voila, you can still see who they are with nickname etc.
5. As said above, there WILL be dipshits. Accept that, don’t let it deter you. Delete button and block button is your friend.
SUPER stressed lately. Blech. My husband’s job is ending in May so he’s applying to new jobs & to grad school, so I am pulling more chore duty at home (like 80% instead of 55%). Also my job sucks and I’m getting bad at it because I don’t care. And I need expensive oral surgery that will take months to complete ugggghhh.
Okay, now that I’ve complained a lot, here are some good things: Working out with my new gym group is amazing. My husband’s a sweetheart. Tomorrow I’m buying Girl Scout Cookies and the weather will be nice. We are financially secure enough for things like oral surgery + grad school. The Olympics are still on.
I’m sorry you’ve been stressed! Those are big stressors, so don’t worry about feeling them acutely. This is coming from me, who was so tired and PMS-y last night after working out that I started crying because I couldn’t find matching socks. So.
So was anyone else kind of excited by the Guardians of the Galaxy trailer this past week? I know nothing about the franchise besides some info from my Marvel-loving husband, but now I’m kind of excited? A huge portion of that excitement might come from Bert Macklin FBI and his surprising abs, however. Also, Raccoon Bradley Cooper and Tree Vin Diesel. It just looks so fun and weird.
Yeah, I can’t tell how much of a joke it is, but in a kind of awesome way.
I think it looks delightfully weird and it’s going to be a great outlier in the fairly rote (in the best way possible, I mean that–I love the Marvel cinematic universe as it stands!) Marvel slate. And YES, Chris Pratt. He’s maybe the most charming actor right now. Maybe.
I am so into this movie right now you don’t even know.
Star-Lord (Chris Pratt) is either a stranded astronaut or a guy who grew up thinking he was a normal human but is really half-alien. He’s a little bit the bastard son of Han Solo and Indiana Jones. That ship you see flying (the blue and yellow one) is his, and it’s alive. Gamora (Zoe Saldana) is basically the deadliest woman in the galaxy. Silent assassin type. Drax (Wrestler Dave Bautista) is your standard berserker/vengeance/muscle dude. Rocket Raccoon (Bradley Cooper) is NOT a raccoon, as he will tell you, but rather an alien species who just LOOKS a lot like a raccoon. He’s the result of genetic experimentation, and a brilliant tactician.
Groot is a living tree. He literally only says “I AM GROOT” so you’re gonna get Vin Diesel really working out those vocal skills.
And that Peter Serafinowicz line of “What a bunch of a-holes” was, apparently, completely ad-libbed, and James Gunn (director) loved it so much he just kept it.
…
…
Not that I’m completely psyched for this or anything…
EDIT: Also, I love that the poster for the movie has the tagline: “You’re Welcome”
Oh don’t mind me, I’m just further cranking up the EXCITEOMETER.
But seriously, the more I learn the more I approve.
That bald blue lady was Karen Gillan. She also plays a ridiculously dangerous assassin type lady.
Benicio del Toro with superpowers. James Gunn described his performance as “Outer-space Liberace”
Djimon Hounsou as Korath the Pursuer (middle name as a definite article? Definitely comics). Works for… well I don’t want to spoil things.
Also Glenn Close is in the movie. You didn’t see her, but she’s in it.
I love the casting of Serafinowicz in, uh, anything.
I was meh beforehand, but that trailer got me interested! AND BERT MACKLIN FBI.
I’m excited because “fun and weird” is exactly what I want out of my superhero movies.
(Also BERT MACKLIN, FBI: IN SPACE)
But why is a Pawnee man cooperating with raccoons?!?!
Let me just say, if you’ve seen that picture of Chris Pratt while he was filming Zero Dark Thirty, those abs are not surprising (but still just as delightful): http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/vulture/2013/02…
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang!
I literally had zero thoughts about this movie before I saw the first trailer and now I’m so pumped. This is going to be fucking amazing and I can’t wait.
My dance partner and I are competing for the first time tomorrow at a local college ballroom competition and I’m excited and nervous!
This totally makes me think of the competition scene in Silver Linings Playbook.
Luckily there are no lifts! My crotch will be nowhere near his face.
That is exciting! I’m sure it will be a very fun and also very exhausting experience. Our team used to fall asleep in our chairs between events.
I think one of the best parts is cheering on the other dancers during the events that you’re not in, and shouting “Yeah 43!” and “Go 61!” at the pairs you like.
I have had “The Daves I Know” stuck in my head since Monday.
Well, I’d avoided that fate until NOW so thanks.
[No, really, thanks! Earworm though it is, that is a damn fine song.]
Isn’t it, though?!? Normally I’d be irritated about having the same song floating around my brain for so long, but every time “The Daves I Know” pops back into my head, I just get a little cheerier and start tapping my toes!
Ack! I actually sang it at a Dave I know the other day ere I even knew it the words were slipping from my mouth!
ME TOO.
The most amazing week oh my god you guys. I got into a graduate school at my first-choice university… And then we found out that my entire tuition is covered by my husband’s Wisconsin GI bill. I’m getting a MS in Counseling Psychology for NO DEBT. Now we have to find my husband a job in Madison sometime before August!
That’s huge! Congrats! University of Wisconsin-Madison, I’m assuming?
Madison! I live here! It’s great! This town makes the stress of grad school almost worth it! That’s… really all the input I have to offer in this conversation. Congratulations on your acceptance and no debt!
How exciting! That’s awesome! Congrats!
I’m a single mum of one kid and have been wanting another kid for a few years now. As of an hour ago I have an appointment with a fertility clinic to get the ball rolling and this makes it real and what on earth am I thinking! But I am also pretty pumped.
shivery excitement! have fun!
Thanks! I think and hope it will be fun.
Yay, you! I’m pregnant with my second after dithering about it for years and while I’m still not certain I made the best decision, I’m confident I made an interesting one.
Interesting it will definitely be! Congratulations – I feel like once they’re here we’ll think they’re the best and everything will be grand. Tough but grand.
Still reeling from seeing a broadcast of The National Theatre’s Coriolanus. You guys it was SO GOOD.
After a month of feeling okay, my hormones are all wacky again. Does anyone else here have issues with thyroid, adrenal, or female hormone levels? How about a combination of any two or three? I’ve been working with my (fantastic) doctor for over a year now and we’re making progress but god, I just want to feel like I’m not falling apart ALL THE DAMN TIME.
Not looking for suggestions or advice, but commiseration is welcome. Comments about the absolute fineness that is Tom Hiddleston are welcome as well. Very welcome. Very VERY welcome.
Oooh I am so bummed the shows here sold out before I could get a ticket. I am really hoping they put it (and the NT Frankenstein) on DVD soon.
ME, TOO. I mean, why wouldn’t they? I keep asking myself that. Because surely they will. SURELY. Surely. Right?
SURELY.
God I hope so. I’ve seen both and would very happily watch again and again.
All the ladies in my family have thyroid weirdness, although apparently mine is worst. I was kind of hoping that my mom or grandma would get this stuff figured out before I needed to, but nope. My mom didn’t even think to tell me about the family history until after I was diagnosed, THANKS MOM. Love her, but that was so frustrating.
GEEZ MOM. What the hell. Sorry you’re suffering with it. BLAH.
1) TOM HIDDLESTON = ONE OF THE FINEST.
2) Can you tell me more about how your wacky hormones are affecting you? I just got the Nexplanon birth control implant a few months ago, and although it’s been mostly good, I feel like I’ve been moodier and I’ve been thinking about dying a lot (not suicide, just, like, what it’s going to be like to die). So I don’t know if that’s the kind of thing you’re talking about but if it is maybe I have it too? I don’t know!
1) TOM HIDDLESTON = *THE* FINEST
2) I’m off hormonal birth control now, thank goodness. I was lucky enough to find a doctor who tied my tubes when I was 34. But I was on the pill for, god…twelve years? And then on Depo-Provera for four years until my body couldn’t take it anymore. That’s when I got my tubes tied. HBC really messes with your adrenals, though, and nobody tells you this shit until you’re nearly bedridden with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and your hair is falling out (and by “you” I mean “me”).
So yeah, you might consider talking to a sympathetic and knowledgeable health care practitioner about non-hormonal birth control options. Especially if you’re experiencing such drastic symptoms just a few months into your new treatment. And if you have good insurance, definitely get your cortisol levels checked. Because once that shit gets out of control it is a LONG ROW TO HOE to get back to health.
Urg, I’m only 24! Too bad all these old white dudes want to tell me that I will one day wake up and want a bushel of children 🙁
Hormones are the woooorrrssst! And they’re so weird. Why can’t hormonal deficiencies give us the power of flight or something? I’m going to do some research into this ASAP; thanks for your help!
Yeah, it sucks. ‘Cos even through it might not be what we want, our bodies really did evolve with baby-making in mind and thwarting that can cause serious problems. So Annoying.
I hope you find a good and healthful solution!
Hormone issues for me have very similar symptoms to stress (fuzzy-headedness, indecisiveness, no motivation, no sex drive, etc.) plus if it gets bad enough also I tolerate bizarrely high outdoor temperatures (or fail to tolerate low ones). That was what prompted my doctor to test my thyroid originally, I was working in an uninsulated building on the top floor in midsummer where it gets to about 110F and felt comfortable without A/C on.
Holy crap.
“fuzzy-headedness, indecisiveness, no motivation, no sex drive”
Aren’t those awesome? Yeah, I really loved going through all that, too. GOOD TIMES.
Three years post-removal, still dealing with Mirena fallout. Anyone else out there have issues from an IUD? (note: I still think they are great for general population, I just get all the side-effects of everything)
I have a Mirena and don’t love it (super brittle hair! insane PMS! STILL HAVE MY PERIOD AND IT’S LONGER THAN IT EVER WAS AND UNPREDICTABLE!!) but it a) keeps me from getting pregnant and b) was too expensive to take out after only 14 months. I’m going to re-evaluate after the 2 year mark and see how I feel.
If you don’t mind me asking, what kinds of issues do you still have?
Pre-Mirena I had super light, short, regular periods, rare cramps. Now – completely unpredictable periods, some bad enough that I need transfusions, cramps that make me sick they are so severe, days of anxiety attacks when my hormones swing that way, more migraines, random boob and back pains. It’s…unpleasant. Since I can’t take any hormonal contraception, and I just want no blood and no babies, I’ll be going in for ablation and ligation at some point in the near future. I’m a bit of a surgical coward, unfortunately.
Oh god that’s awful. I haven’t put on weight but I do put on and off almost ten pounds of water weight each month….ugh the longer I think about it the more I really don’t like my Mirena :/
I want no blood but I do want babies, so unfortunately surgery’s out of the question for now. Maybe after my last kid I’ll say “Just take ‘er out IN the uterus” but for now, reliable contraception it is!
Oh, yeah. Mirena also put 40lbs on me in 2 years – I lost all of it and more because of complete lack of appetite/regular nausea. It feels weird when people make positive comments about the weight loss, because 1) my body is not your business, and 2) I gained and lost weight because of medicine fucking me up. It’s like hey! You’re starving to death, looks great!
I have eight hundred and fifty million things to do today and I hate all of them because SURPRISE SURPRISE HAVEN’T QUIT YET
quitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt do it
It’s Friday! Quit! Good time to do so!
Question: what books can you think of that contain paranoia about class issues (modern, that is)?
I’d like to read some!
I’m not done with The Goldfinch yet but it’s definitely touching on such issues.
Thank you! I have that one sitting in the other room, waiting to be read!
I don’t know about out-and-out paranoia, but a couple novels that revolve a lot around class are A Gate at the Stairs by Lorrie Moore and Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld.
Thank you! I’ve read Prep, so I should check out the Moore book.
I signed up to be a writer for one of those 24-hour play events. It is next weekend and I am absolutely terrified. I have never written a play before, to say nothing of writing a play in the hours between 9 p.m. and 5 a.m.
Any Toasticians ever done one of these? Tips? Advice? Help?
I have never done one but that sounds very exciting!! Break a leg!
I did one once! As far as what it should be about, it really depends on who else is on your writers’ team and what kind of stuff they’re good at writing and/or want to write about. Our team had one member who wanted hardboiled noir comedy, one member who wanted mad science, and one member (me) who didn’t really care what it was about but could write light verse. So it ended up being a detective / mad science rhyming comedy. We just kind of went with it.
I think the trick is to not spend more than 30 min to an hour deciding what it’s going to be about, and just start writing it and whatever happens happens. The audience knows what they’re in for. Also keep in mind there’s a director and actors, too, so there’s another layer of creativity that will be added to your play once you’ve done your part.
As far as remaining awake, I recommend protein and lots of water.
Excellent advice, thanks! Also, your avatar/screen name are the best, the end.
This is so cool where do I sign up?
HEY GUYS GUESS WHO GOT LIKE 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT?? Am I being a big meany stick-in-the-mud OR am I totally justified in my murderous rage, here? Roommates went out last night, came home drunk with a friend around 1:30am – which I know, because they woke me up, and then proceeded to LITERALLY stay up all night playing fucking video games and most definitely NOT using their inside voices. I know THIS because they were super loud so I kept waking up and then finally at 4am woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep. Around 4:45am they moved from the living room to one roomie’s bedroom (so, even closer to my room) to talk (REAL LOUD) and listen to music. They finally wrapped things up and went to bed around 5:30 riiiiight before I had to get up.
Important points to note: we are all three of us well-educated, professional, office-job-having women in our 30’s. Yes, obviously I could’ve gotten up and told them to shut it but I was tired and cranky and didn’t want to move and I knew there was a 3rd person there but I didn’t know who it was and I didn’t want to have to put pants on ALSO a 36-year old woman should not have to be told to use her goddamned inside voice at 3am, right? This is not the first time they’ve pulled this shit, but it’s definitely one of the worst times mostly because Jesus Archibald Christ it’s a weeknight.
So, murderous rage, I haz it.
You are totally justified. That is behavior people should rid themselves of in college or early adulthood.
That is sucky behavior. I would give her 24 hours to apologize because everyone fucks up. If no apology is forthcoming I would resist my temptation to write an email (because she will just forward it on to whoever she was partying with) and address it in person.
Hmm, well, I am 99% sure there is no apology forthcoming from either of them (I have two roommates and both were being butts) because unless they were awake enough at 6am to hear me passive-agressively slam shut the front door on my way out, they’re doubtless unaware they’ve done anything wrong. Luckily I do have a built-in cooling off period, since I won’t be home until 9 or 10 tonight (and am going straight to bed) and I’m leaving early tomorrow to go to a knitting convention thing with some friends and won’t be home until Sunday. I will admit I WAS thinking of saying something via email, since I have to email them anyway to remind them to give me money for the bills I paid ages ago but maybe you’re right that I should hold off…
It’s just all so frustrating – we’ve all lived together in that flat for 7 years now and it’s mostly been great but they’ve gotten less and less mature and responsible (this shit, bills, housekeeping, etc.) over time and I would be totally done with it/them/living with roommates in general but there’s no where in the area I could afford to move to on my own.
Seven years?! MORE inconsiderate?! I would still avoid writing things down if your roommates are given to passive aggression or talking behind your back (although, if they are also stupid about double checking reply-all then you might have a hilarious situation on your hands) because they will just pick it apart. But I’ve never lived with the same people for seven years so other dynamics may exist. Every time Mallory writes about living in glorious solitude I am jealous.
Inexcusable. You still should have told them to shut it though – the thing about drunk people is that they generally have no idea ho loud they are…
I would have just angrily texted them from my bed.
So late, no-one is gonna see this, but it is boring anyway.
SO.
I did this story for a writing forum story swap and it may have inspired a complex and ambitious novel project which, I mean, cool, but it means I can’t try and sell the story as is and I’m a bit frozen on starting.
Why can’t you sell the short story and then expand it into a novel? I thought that sort of thing happened all the time. At least it does in SF…
It does, I guess. So I can maybe still try? I’m completely rewriting it for the novel…
Huh.
Fuck it, I’ll send it here.
I would definitely do both. Were I a writer. I just live with one, luckily. Good luck!
The whole thing is a post-apocalyptic fairy-tale/folk heros thing, told as a series of connecting short stories, about two bisexual women who go on a long adventure togethere, and I feel it may be a little bit out of my comfort zone. I was thinking write each of the short stories, edit them and continue? But I don’t know, and I’ve been staring at a blank page for two days.
I’m a sucker for grown-up fairy stories and I would read the shit out of that. In fact, just yesterday I wrote an author friend of mine (not the one I live with–christ, seems like you know one author, you know a dozen) the Tumblr post of the overgrown 1984 Olympic stadium in Sarajevo and said “this is where we would live if we were Magical Woodland Sprites” and she wrote back that she’s got an adult fairy book in the making and I was all FUCK YES.
So that is a VERY long-winded way to say YOU GO WRITE THAT STORY, BB. It can be like a Canterbury Tales thing. Only with fairies and folktales and magical realism. In other words, INTERESTING.
That sounds great! And getting out of your comfort zone is the most frighteningly wonderful thing.
The nice thing is that if you keep trying to expand it, and it just gives you a ton of grief, you still have the original short story. Which I would read the heck out of.
You can always start with the middle or the end if starting at the beginning is too scary…
I always sort by “latest activity” and refresh throughout the day, so no worries! I’ll always see it.
Yay writing! I don’t have any good advice for writers block though. 🙁
Writing is the ONLY thing I think I’m any good at.
I had a very frustrating work incident this morning that I’ve been working through and I don’t want to go into boring details, so I was struggling with what I could post (besides OMG HOCKEY!). And then I realized, I’m going over to my in-laws tomorrow to make an Italian feast with lobster fra diavolo and homemade cannoli (my idea obvs). They bought cannoli molds just for tomorrow and I get to keep them! Also…I get to stuff my face with cannoli!!!
Tonight I’m meeting up for drinks with a guy from college who is in town. When he got in touch to say he’d be here he said we have “a lot of catching up to do.” I don’t know if he means like, life-wise or genital-wise (I hope it’s both?). I’M NERVOUS. But my outfit is on point today, so at least I can take comfort in that.
This is my last day of work before a lengthy vacation. So much to do, so few fucks to give.
Oh! Also! I realized last week that even after I pay taxes, I have enough money in my savings to survive (barely, but survive!) for 3 months if I ever become unemployed!
That is like… the DREAM. You’re living the dream.
OH, also, my friend doesn’t have health insurance and is currently trying to navigate Medicaid so she can get back on birth control. I recently decided to stop using mine, which happens to be the exact same method (Nuvaring). I’ve started just giving her my unopened rings. I know that’s probably irresponsible (?) but it’s free for me and she doesn’t have to wait weeks for her benefits to kick in & to get into a doctor. I’m like the Nuvaring fairy godmother. But if any of you can provide compelling reasons why I *shouldn’t* do this, please do tell.
The only downside that I know of is just if she had risk factors for taking hormonal BC, like smoking or a history of blood clots, that a doctor should know about. But if she’s getting a doctor soon and this is a temporary situation (and not something your insurance would notice and get pissy about) … eh, I think the Nuvaring fairy godmother is a good thing to be. Strike back against the ridiculous American healthcare bureaucracy!
Aiiiiiiiiii, reading through comments I realize we are many of us in the same boat. Super stressed at work, taking on way more managerial duties without any real training to do so. Today for some reason my normally awesome boss is really breathing down my neck about old projects that have been pushed to the back burner. I feel like crying, but that’s not really professional.
Tomorrow is my birthday! Tonight I’m having dinner with a bunch of friends at a restaurant, and I’m nervous because it’s the first time I’ve actually organized such a thing by myself, instead of just hanging out with two people who already know each other and watching tv. I feel like there’s some secret etiquette that I’ll mess up. I made a reservation, though! So, you know. That’s something.
Happy Birthday! And don’t worry about it too much. Fair warning: it may get clique-y with friends in separate social circles, BUT! this will not be your fault or problem, it’s just how most people are. Just make introductions between the groups, and enjoy your dinner!
I think the only secret is to switch places a couple times through the evening so you don’t just talk to the people next to you, and as Lyzz said to introduce people. Have fun!
I don’t know the secret etiquette either, so.
But it’s your birthday! So that ought to count for something. (P.S. Happy birthday tomorrow!)
Happy birthday! Yay, you, for arranging something fun! I also do not know any secret etiquette, except to echo those who say to spend some time circulating so people get to wish you a happy birthday. Just let yourself have fun! That’s what everyone will be there for.
UPDATE: it went well! Everyone seemed to have a good time; people were v friendly with people outside their circle, and also one friend might be able to help another with a work problem? and everyone liked the food. So I’m calling it a success!
TOASTIES!:
I know there are a lot of intellectual / academic-y types among you — do any of you to historiographical / history-of-the-discipline type work? Can you offer sympathies / support? I’m doing a history-of-the-discipline PhD, and I’m beginning to get pretty tired / bummed out by how bizarre / upsetting so many practitioners of that discipline seem to find it (note: I, too, am a practitioner of that discipline).
I know PhDs are supposed to be full of crippling self-doubt / sadness, but a brief respite would be nice…!
Are you in history of science?? I am not in the field, but have dabbled with my freelance work. I can offer sympathy, but it might come off cheap and tawdry as I myself have done little more than dip my big toe in its gloomy, brackish waters.
I’m a archaeologist who is doing work on the history of archaeology (it helps that I’m working in a super marginalized area even within history of archaeology — so marginalized that I will not reveal what it is, for fear of revealing my identity…! Perhaps I have already said too much!).
Anyway, cheap and tawdry sympathy is more than I get on most days…so, thanks for it!
First, a virtual hug and beer (or your choice of tipple) to you. While I do not work in your field, I can certainly commiserate, and hopefully offer some support. I’m at the tail end of the PhD process (filing the diss. in May), and, on a good day, I would chalk up the reactions of your colleagues/peers to their own ignorance and lack of social skills. On a bad day, I think everything is awful, and what am I doing, there are no jobs, how am I going to sell this, why didn’t somebody tell me, etc. My particular topic is also something that the majority of academe in my field are not enthused about, and, honestly, I have no idea why. It’s no more irrelevant than what they’re doing. It may not be exactly “on trend”, but there’s a point, and a good one. So, I get a lot of: “oh”, “that’s brave”, “good luck” and “I have tremendous respect with what you’re trying to do” (which I can only interpret in a sarcastic way, because, me.) Even my ADVISOR, after approving the topic, doesn’t seem fully on board.
I don’t have a lot to tell you, here. I have had so many ups and downs with this, and mostly downs at this point. The crippling self-doubt, lack of self esteem and sadness are no effing joke, and this does not go away once you’re on the market. Maybe once you get a job? But, if you enjoy what you’re doing, there will be moments of happiness (or at least contentment); and there are certainly rewarding parts. My strategy is to take the long view – whatever happens, I don’t regret any of it, because, hey, I’ve still got an education out of it. But, these people suck. That’s on them, though unfortunately you’ll have to deal with it. I cope by avoiding these situations as much as possible, but when I have to deal with them, I brood, complain to my SO, and probably drink. I should also add that I am starting to seek professional counseling, because these strategies are not good in the long term. (My god I hope that doesn’t scare you away).
it sucks now, but when your PhD is done and you’ve written all the words, you will feel so good. and you’ll find a few gems and realize not everyone was awful. and even if they were, you now exist and are not a fraud. the bartender has a phd. the bartender felt no respite from self-doubt/sadness before said phd was in hand. but don’t get bummed. all worth it. your work is important and necessary and will be useful for many others who come after. forza!
Listen to The Bartender, always.
I am doing a “history of” PhD. I am in the depths of uncertainty and self doubt as comps are imminent. No words of encouragement, but lots of commiseration and internet-stranger support.
First, a virtual hug, and second, lots of sympathy from another historian-of-stuff, and third, talk to historians of science! History of archaeology is a growing speciality in the field, and you could get some feedback from people who think what you study is not bizarre/upsetting but rather awesome.
Less than a week away from PURPLE STREAKS IN MY HAIR
omg hairs
so excite
I want this! Ever since that new Angel Haze video I have been dreaming about purple parts of my hair
I heartily approve of all crayon-colored hair! YAY!
Can we talk about pigeons for a moment? My apartment has a serious pigeon problem. So my building is sort of a square with one side missing, and inside that square there is a little garden grassy thing. There is a low gate but anything with wings (or humans that can climb) can easily get in and out through the open side. Which has resulted in there being a TON of pigeons flying around by the windows. And for some reason over the past 2 weeks or so they have decided to all pile up on my windowsill and make horrible disgusting pigeon noises loudly at me to keep me up all night. If I bang on the windows they’ll go away for a bit but what happens most is that they will settle underneath my AC where they feel safe, and the only way to make them leave is to get up out of bed, grab my swiffer, and hang out of the window to wave the stick end at them. And then do this every hour or so.
This obviously, has been seriously affecting my sleep and I was wondering if any toasties had this issue and resolved it? My super is…not present/doesn’t do anything so I am hoping to resolve this by myself. Would it be super unethical to poison them (I know the answer is yes but I want it to be no). Are there pigeon traps? These are gross city pigeons and I don’t think the owl decals will help much. Any ideas are welcome.
Can you get those evil-looking spiky things I see on windowsills and ledges around my city? I just googled “pigeon spikes” and about a trillion results came up from Lowes and Home Depot etc so try those! They do seem to work as far as I can see.
I can put them on one window, but the big issue for me is when they nestle under my AC. It’s technically pigeons balancing on the bar that holds up my AC, but the way the machine is built means their noises carry through the box and into my home. So spikes don’t fit there. I’ve heard of sticky glue but I’m worried I’ll trap them there and then they’ll just warble at me for hours until they die which sounds horrifying.
Could you glue little spikes there? If there is room for pigeon feet there should be room for sharp things.
I will look into it. Maybe cutting the pigeon spikes with a wire cutter will get them small enough to tie in there.
Can you grease up the bar they perch on with some Vaseline so when they try to roost they’ll fall off? (It’s fine. They’ll just fly away.)
This sounds like a perfect idea!! I will experiment tomorrow morning and see how it goes
Here is a huge piece about submitting to us that just went live: http://the-toast.net/2014/02/21/how-to-submit-wor…
So I shouldn’t send 1005 emails each hour asking if you’ve read my piece yet because I sent it a week ago and omg aren’t you sitting by your computer just waiting to read my amazing piece publishmelovemeloveme?!?!
Got it, thanks.
Seriously, though, I found the original submission guidelines very helpful and this post was as well. I appreciate that you guys take submissions from us regular ol’ folks and not just writers with agents or anything fancy.
Uggghhh, the ceo of my company is yelling at people again. She’s been doing this all week, and her office is right by my desk so I can hear everything, and sometimes she doesn’t even close her door and it’s so stressful I want to hide under my desk :{ :{
Legit surprised there wasn’t a Femslash Friday post for “Whip It” today!
I had a second interview for that job. I… think it went well? I have the worst time gauging these things. I’m also pretty sure I wildly embellished one story in my panic, soooooo. Mostly I just want to spend the rest of February lying in bed with a bucket of chocolate and the blankets pulled over my head.
Question for those with children (specifically female children): how do you approach makeup and the interest in makeup in children. My daughter is 2, and loves to hang out with me in the bathroom as I get ready in the mornings. She sees me put on makeup and then imitates me. I don’t wear a lot of makeup, generally just some concealer/powder and mascara. But I don’t want her to feel like she has to put on makeup or feel pressure that since she is a girl she has to wear makeup. I guess how do I raise a smart, feminist-minded child that does not put a huge value on appearance??
hm….. by trying not to care too much? Do you wear makeup on the weekends, or when you go to the grocery store or whatever? If you always wear it, she will think it always should be worn…It is hard to give your kids different values than you have! If you treat it more as a dress-up thing, she will probably see it as more optional. BUT on the other hand, in many circles (like professional workplaces), it is not really very optional.
I will say I spent a lot of 5th and 6th grade wearing outlandish makeup applied in the back of the school bus, because it was fun, but now hardly ever wear more than a little eyeshadow…
In summary, there is no good answer, but try not to treat appearance as all that important, and you’ll be off to a good start…
This is a really interesting/complicated thing. I know what helped me growing up was that when I expressed an interest in makeup (around 12, which was also the age I was allowed to wander around the mall by myself which is how I discovered the makeup section) it was always framed in terms of ‘this can be fun just like painting, but on your face’ rather than ‘this is done to be pretty because you can’t be pretty without it’. However, this was probably easier for me because my mom never wore makeup and I never saw any relatives or friends wearing makeup growing up (I think I was the first in my friend group to be interested in it).
I think for you, the bigger influence is going to be battling what outsiders will say to her. Since you’re on the toast you are most likely intelligent and thoughtful and will handle this well with her but not everyone she will encounter in her life will be like that. Since we live in a world that puts a huge value on (conventional) beauty and appearance, particularly for women/girls I think her interactions with strangers and the media will have a bigger impact than seeing you put on concealer in the morning. Which can be good or bad depending on how you look at it. But providing encouragement and always telling her that it doesn’t matter what she looks like will help, especially starting young.
Also, I think age 2 is hard for this but as she gets older you can have some really interesting discussions about these things.
I am NOT about guys who don’t respond to texts promptly anymore. (and I mean, like, w/in 12-24 hours is common decency right??)
Yep, I’ve kind of done the same with friends that can’t bother to reply. That being said – once the badge on my phone goes away, sometimes I forget, so I try to be a bit forgiving with others. Really wish there was a way to “mark unread” for text messages.
yes! 24 hours is pushing it.
HEY LADIES IS HAPPENING
Luckily all of us are Gracie? Sans the mean girl past?
The other week I was involved in my first all-women email chain about brunch. We did dim sum. Planning was delightfully straight forward.
THEN ONE OF THE WOMEN CONTACTED ME ABOUT STARTING A BOOK CLUB.
I AM SO EXCITED.
But also too busy because I feel like being a co-host of a book club is a lot of work?
It won’t be. Pick a book, give yourselves a month (or however long, with busy lives) and host it somewhere with snacks. Once the meeting starts to wrap up, if you haven’t decided on the next book, have everyone email in their suggestions. Someone can even make a weighted Surveymonkey poll for voting if there are too many choices. Once you’ve picked a book, see who’s willing to host and settle on a date. Repeat. Low pressure, and plus you’ll get fun emails instead of dull ones.
Party dudes, I am about 17 weeks pregnant, and I am so full of feelings, except I was lead to believe that I was going to be weeping at Hallmark commercials. ACTUALLY, I am just mad, all the time. I need to get gruntled. I just keep getting in hostile, brittle interactions with customers/clients.
I don’t want to work anymore. I want to be a stay at home lady, and I want my feet to stop hurting.
I hear and acknowledge your rage and damn it’s annoying, isn’t it? Maybe you’ll be lucky and it’ll lighten as you’re further into your second tri? My feet stopped hurting around 19 weeks (which is when my hips started hurting and keeping me up at night but never mind that). And congratulations!
Yea for you!!!!! I’ve found that being preggo has made me much less consciously sensitive to blood sugar issues, even though they persist. It has also made me very tired and with a desire to nap constantly. So, what I do is keep a jar of peanut butter, a package of prunes (YEP), and a 22oz glass water bottle in my desk and try to feed the beast every 3 or so hours, which at least keeps me a little more gruntled.
So sorry about the hurting feet. I’ve only recently begun to develop whatI can only describe as a hurting diaphragm (although it doesn’t seem related to breathing, it’s just in that spot?), and I’m SO sick of the “Just you wait!” responses. Yes. I know. Things are going to get worse and then different and then there will be an actual live human who literally sucks life out of me. Let’s not diminish my current experiences as a result, shall we?
Also, if you can channel the sweet / passive aggressive angle, at least that should provide a little CYA in the consumer relationships dept? But mostly, congrats!!!!!!!
This has been a WEEK. We got the foster dog, who is just as crazy energetic nutso as he was when we visited him at the shelter. In an effort to wear out some of his energy, he goes on approximately 5 walks a day, which are HORRIBLE because he likes to lunge and growl at strangers and pull on the leash, and he’s 55 pounds of pure muscle, so it’s kind of horrible. But, when we’re in our apartment he is sweet and loving and cuddly and will lay on the floor while we lay on the couch and watch the Olympics. I’m secretly glad that we’re fostering instead of adopting, because he is just too much to be our forever dog, but also kind of worried that he’ll never be adopted because of his behavior issues 🙁
Get an Easy Walk Harness immediately!
Mental exercise helps wear out high energy pups, too, so food in puzzle toys, getting him to do tricks (even if he has like one “trick” like “somewhat sit.”) and things of that nature help. And for my goofalo, 1,000 nylabones in a variety of shapes, because holy god does that insane dog like to chew, but maybe your new bud has other hobbies.
Have you ever seen the show It’s Me or the Dog? Great training tips for things like dogs who are bad on leash. Hopefully he we’ll get better and find a wonderful home!
So late on this, but…meeting the beau’s parents this weekend. Mine don’t even know I’m in a relationship.
It happens! It was over a year before I introduced my parents to my first serious beau.
It’s only been a couple of months, but I don’t have a lot of faith in one family members concept of “boundaries”. Last guy I dated, she ran an (illegal) background check on him, then reported her findings to the rest of the family, behind my back. It was supposedly done because she cares, but just came across and creepy and inappropriate.
Granted, he did have a record, but I was already aware of everything.
My daughter had a half day today so we went to see the pre-Inka art exhibit at the Blanton Museum. It was great, except the Moche pots were all rather tame. Not like this at all: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Fellatiomoche.j…
if anyone is still here, can we talk about therapy?
I just started going a few months ago after meaning to get around to it for years. now I think my therapist is maybe not the best fit for me, and I would like to shop around. if I try new therapists, do I go see them while I am still seeing my current one, and swallow the cost of those extra sessions? (my insurance already doubled my co-pay, so the cost is sort of a burden.) or do I stop seeing my current person as I shop around? what if I discover that all the other available people are even worse than her? she is not terrible, I just often feel like our sessions could go better. her style/personality unnerves me a little.
also, I am seeing her on a sliding scale because of my shitty insurance, so part of me thinks that there are already slim pickings for great sliding scale therapists and I should just make do with what I have. how do I even know if a person is a good fit for me? what are the types of things I could ask/say that might help?
I saw an awesome lady in my hometown who saw me a couple times for $10 a session, but I have no idea how to go about finding someone like that again.
basically how do I find a therapist who makes me feel awesome and supported and will let me pay them what I’m able? must it involve 1000 phone calls? (I am in New York, if that matters.)
I have nothing to add except to thank you for asking this because I am wondering some of the same things.
My college had a family counseling program where PhD and masters students doing family/couples counseling would see people for therapy… like regular humans not on campus. It’s very inexpensive! Maybe if there are any large universities near you, you could check that out? (If you don’t mind that they’re in training still. Our regular student counseling center had a similar deal and I saw a grad student there for a semester and he was great!)
I don’t have any other advice for you unfortunately. I hope you find someone who works for you real soon. And mad props for getting yourself to therapy at all. It can be a hard step to take!
thanks so much! this is helpful.
If I were you I would do my homework while still seeing the current therapist. That is, make calls, do research, until I had a list of therapists who are taking new patients and who take my insurance/charge on a sliding scale.
Once I had an appointment with the first new therapist on the list, I would stop making appointments with the current therapist. You don’t have to say anything to her. Just stop making appointments.
I’d keep up that routine, making appointments with new therapists until finding the right one. My experience is 2 sessions will tell me if we’re a good fit. Sometimes only 1 session can indicate a terrible fit.
You can always go back to the current therapist if you need to. Good luck.
It is SO worth it to shop around for the right therapist. It may take 1,000 phone calls, but each one is worth it. I mean, this is someone who you’re trusting with your deepest and most precious secrets. You’ll be more honest and get more out of your sessions if you trust them.
My therapist, as soon as I told her I could only afford to see her twice a month with my current copay, offered to reduce the copay so I could see her more often. Is that an option? Your insurance is still covering the bulk of the payment, right?
All of the things RoseCamelia said too.
thank you! my therapist won’t see me less than once a week, so when my copay went up, she offered to see me on a sliding scale, and my insurance is no longer involved at all. but it’s still more for me than I was paying before.
Have you tried talking to your current therapist about what isn’t working for you? She might be able to adjust, depending on what it is that bugs you. In terms of finding new therapists, ask them what type of therapy they offer, and then look that up. You might be working with someone who is psychodynamic and you’d prefer cognitive behavior therapy or vice versa. Common treatment types: CBT, DBT, psychodynamic, interpersonal. There’s a bunch of others as well, but googling those will give you some ideas.
no I haven’t, partly because I guess I have wondered if it’s “too late” to have that conversation. I know that’s probably not true though.
but I will do my research on those types and definitely keep it at the forefront of my mind in the future. thanks!
I made a Goodreads group for Toasties since you all insist on having such great taste in books: https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/127766-the-t…
THIS WEEK. Actually, this month. Or last three months.
I quit one of my jobs two weeks ago because my boss is often an abusive jerk and that + the hours were impacting my other job and health. I told them I’d stay till they found a replacement since I quit after only 2 months and they decided very quickly when they last hired for my job. Since then, my boss has mostly been a bit nicer, since he knows I’m only there out of the goodness of my heart.
Anyway, after weeks of telling me how stupid/slow I am and telling me earlier this week that I had no common sense, today he told me, “I think you’re too smart for this job. That’s your problem.”
Me: “Okay?”
Boss: “Yeah. Your logical capacities are such that you see all of the possible answers to every situation and then you get confused and can’t make the common sense decision. You’re too smart! What do you think?”
Me: “Well, it’s an interesting theory. I don’t know if it’s true, but I guess that wouldn’t be horrible?”
Weirdest backhanded compliment I’ve ever gotten. And then a few hours later, a candidate for my job called for his phone screening and kept getting rebuffed because my boss was so busy. (I generally answer the office phones.) After a few bounced calls, he asked me, “What’s [your boss] like? Like, is he a good guy? Do you like working for him?” I kind of wanted to warn my boss that the guy has even less common sense than I do so that he doesn’t hire him and make both their lives miserable, but I didn’t!
The most embarrassing thing in the world is entering your architecture class late and accidentally slamming your bag against the chalkboard and having your professor who knows you by name STARE at you until you sit down.
Tonight at my place of work (it’s a food court, I work in a food court) there is going to be some sort of yo-yo championship finals and people have been in here practicing all afternoon and it looks like for once it isn’t going to be a boring Friday night at work wooo!
Oh my god you guys, these yo-yo kids are INSANE.
HOW ARE THEY DOING THAT??
Anybody dealing with contagious clouds of toxic stress from their partner?
I bought my spouse symphony tickets as an anniversary present for us, which he normally loves, but for a 1:30pm Friday concert, because of a really good deal. It meant stopping his & my research in the middle of the day to go, and he has been feeling very stressed out at work lately. Even though he *said* at the time of purchase that this was fine, he seemed incredibly stressed out by going – to the point of gritting his teeth for much of our ride on the bus to Symphony Hall. Such a bummer. I not only had a hard time enjoying the concert myself and feel anxious, but it also hurt my feelings a little bit. He informed me afterwards that you can’t do such things “if you want to do real work,” as if I don’t know how to do real work (we are in the same field). And as if we hadn’t both planned to work Saturday to make up for the lost day.
The thing that he’s stressed about takes place in about a month, so I have a month more of this to live with. And it’s genuinely very stressful, don’t get me wrong, but it is also just another part of life. Trying to find a balance between apologizing for stuff that isn’t my fault and/or is actually a nice thing, in order to smooth troubled waters, because I guess spouses do that?? or not doing so and taking the resultant storms. Normally he’s a lovely person but he’s just gone into stress-monster mode. Ugh. Anybody else have experience with this phenomenon up close?
this happens! if there is any way you can not talk about it when you’re both stressed, but raise this in a month when the toxic thing is done, that might be good. otherwise just more stress. i would not apologize, but rather say that you think there needs to be a shift in balance for optimum happiness and that now is a bad time to deal, but perhaps later you can have an honest and good conversation about it? does that make sense? part of it is not having large discussions at a bad time, but also being clear that discussions and shiftings need to occur? good luck!
thanks for this! We do fall sometimes into a bad routine that has to stop where I apologize for things like traffic conditions, his stress levels, etc. that are clearly not my fault, as a way to defuse tension. So yes, shiftings, and a discussion post-facto. We end up feeling each other’s emotions to a weird degree, especially anxiety and stress, a sort of symbiosis, that can be kind of dangerous I think — coupledom is so weird! luckily he already made an effort on his own to apologize yesterday and thank me, and things they do improve.
Mine got super stressed out leading up to a talk he was giving. My not very sympathetic approach was to tell him that he wasn’t allowed to be an asshole to me just because he was stressed when he started showing signs of asshole behavior. Also reassuring him that the thing he was stressing about was probably going to be fine (neither lives nor livelihoods were on the line). This did not particularly help his stress levels, but it sure made me feel better. The phrase “once this is over you owe me big time for putting up with you” may have been uttered.
I tried to let him have his own stress reaction, which is mainly shutting down and not dealing with things. In my partner’s case, planning an activity, even if it was a “fun” activity, would only make him more stressed- he’s very much a deal with one thing at a time person. I tried to pick up some of the day to day stress stuff- groceries, cooking, cleaning, etc., but mostly it was a case of just waiting it out. And hoping that he never, ever has to do another one again, because he is a jerkface when he has a month’s worth of presentation anxiety.
So- not sure that any of this is helpful, but solidarity all the way.
ah ha ha. Thanks, I love your attitude! Our case is a little different in that livelihoods are definitely involved, but I don’t care, it’s an inherent part of our careers that things will periodically be like this, so we have to adapt and nobody should become a (well-loved) asshole. I think I will keep letting him have his stress reaction, doing little things that calm him down in this period (mostly punctuality-related – he is a little obsessive about being early) but also pushing back more too, especially with humor. Balancebalancebalance.
MOVING UPDATE! Dudebro just realized that I’m moving out 2 months early, and asked me to stay until the end of March. NOPE. I also don’t think he knows that I own all the lamps, and he will be walking around in the dark for 2 months. Or until he buys lamps. Hopefully the first. It would be a fitting metaphor.
Hahahaha, perfect.
Stumbling around at night by the light of his cell phone.
Which actually sounds like a delightful set-up for a horror movie.
I am excited! I just (like, an hour ago) ordered a graphics tablet so I can do digital art again. (long story short, I used to have one, and I never used it because Life). I haven’t bought myself a major electronic thing since I got my phone 2 years ago, but I’ve been thinking about this off and on for ages and I should have it within the week!
Lovely Toasties! I’ve had a rough couple of weeks, including a period which cast its hormonal death-pall over every other stressful event, and which I have dubbed the “Valentine’s Day Massacre in My Pants”. But things are looking up and today is my boyfriend’s birthday and I’m girding my loins to celebrate him haaaaaaard all weekend. Because I am throwing him and a dear friend a very large birthday party and it’s just no longer time to be feeling sorry for myself.
I love all of this. I think I'll be fine ignoring the creepo messages, and definitely like the idea of messages as a way to identify writerly people, so on to a bit of messaging I go. Thanks so much!