babe what is it
what’s wrong
nothing
are there not enough leopard skins
i mean
if you call just two enough
and here is your royal chair
no furs on it i see
just linens and gold
that’s fine, that’s fine
is that a problem?
well you clearly didnt think it was a problem
so i guess it’s not a problem
is it
why do i only have a stone lion for my LEFT HAND
what am i supposed to do with my right hand
besides BE DISAPPOINTED
okay now shut up and give me that leopard skin
if i had ENOUGH leopard skins right now then i would have TOLD YOU TO STOP BRINGING THEM
so unless you hear me say i have enough
keep fucking piling them on me
i don’t know
they died really fast
can you bring me someone who doesn’t die so fast when you put knives in them
or something with noodles
honestly i would fucking kill for something with noodles in it right now
no i’m fucking thrilled to be pouring your mead
i went to Bryn Mawr so this is a perfectly appropriate use of my skillset
i think all queens should moonlight as barmaids
the crown makes us so easy to spot in the feasting-hall
keep ‘em coming
yeah that’s
that’s nice i guess
do you have anything bigger or more diamond-y
like this, but a giant diamond?
darling
why is this man talking to me
he doesn’t have any jewels on
i like his furs but he doesn’t have any jewels on
so why is he talking at me
so this is your whole kingdom
yeah?
there’s not
more of it
that i missed seeing?
just statues of lions instead of regular lions, i see
no it’s good
it’s good
it’s good you only have that
I CAN STILL SEE PART OF MY FACE
WHAT PART OF “I WANT MY ENTIRE BODY COATED IN GOLD” WAS UNCLEAR TO YOU
fine, kill the harpist
we’ll still be bored after he’s dead and then there won’t be anyone left to play the harp
but go for it, maybe it’ll cheer us up
oh my goddd thank god you’re here
turns out the amount of actual time you can enjoy yourself on a “pleasure barge” is like
three days, max
also i think everyone else is dead now
let’s get out of here
i like dont want to be rude or anything
but me and this dog are kind of hanging out right now
so
I NEED MORE PELTS
I COULD BE WEARING SO MANY MORE PELTS
if someone doesnt move this crown on my lap to my head right now im going to fucking scream
i thought we were going to cover the whole harp in roses
but if these were all the roses you could find
i guess that doesn’t have to ruin everything
hey girls i have a fun idea
try playing something good
just for a change
just to see what it would be like
god
i fucking hate reading
this isn’t really doing it for me anymore
do you want me to tell them to dance faster
no
i want them to dance better
jesus
this is a nightmare
i didnt say stop
youre the only one i can trust
you and this leopard skin on the floor
the only ones i can trust
Tags: artwork, western art history, women looking dissatisfied
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i think all queens should moonlight as barmaids
the crown makes us so easy to spot in the feasting-hall
I really want to be friends with this queen. We can discuss the many ways in which people just fucking refuse to treat us properly, goddammit, and the number of daggers we require to rectify those situations.
However many daggers you have is not enough daggers.
I don’t do it myself because I don’t care to get blood on my hands but I have people do the stabbing for me. At a distance, where I can watch and laugh while I adorn myself with more jewels and bathe in scented oils.
Is this a Hild reference? This is a Hild reference, isn’t it.
ugh as long as there is someone to fetch the daggers after we throw them. i do NOT retrieve things.
This is so magnificently passive-aggressive that I winced a few times.
Headline:
Resting bitchface, explained at last! “It was insufficient leopard skins all along,” say experts.
This is literally perfect.
Can someone with more Art History Knowledge points than me tell me the painting names of stone-lion-for-my-left-hand and I-can-still-see-part-of-my-face??
You can do a Google image search! I-can-still-see-part-of-my-face is apparently Bussière’s “Yseult the Blonde.”
GET IT YSEULT
I’m 90% sure that I-can-still-see is Demi Moore.
Stone Lions is Cleopatra by John William Waterhouse
it’s a john waterhouse! cleopatra something
Stone Lion: Cleopatra by John William Waterhouse
Face: Gaston Bussière. I’ve never seen this before but allegedly this is Yseult la Blonde
I loooooove the stone-lion one.
yeah, this is kind of my “whatever” day anyway, so I guess this pearl earring is perfect. thanks.
just one is fine
it’s not like i have two ears or anything, so just the one.
so is it like a trial size one
like a sample to try to see if you want the real thing
The phrase “Oh. It’s fine, I guess” is bar none the most useful phrase for expressing your utter dissatisfaction in a place where you cannot, for whatever reason, express it openly. Deploy with side-eye for maximum efficiency.
At work? Someone presents you with something for your approval that Does Not Meet Your Standards, but you cannot ream them out for whatever reason? Curt “Oh.” [The period and pause is crucial.] “It’s fine, I guess.” Immediately avert your gaze to something more important. This expression will also come in handy in dealing with recalcitrant friends, salespeople who will not leave you alone, people who are showing you things you do not wish to see, etc.
Make everyone fear and respect you.
The spouse and I are currently in heavy negotiations about whether my use of “Oh no, it’s fine.” violates the Geneva Convention.
At work I prefer the high-pitched humming, followed, when asked, by a “No, no, it just sort of came out… So, is this a draft? No? You feel finished? Lovely…” while lightly marking the spelling mistakes (which is not what I’m really supposed to check) on the first page with a red biro.
The “entire body covered in gold” bit is just…just perfect.
I want to read fantasy epics starring these ladies, oh God I really do.
“i like dont want to be rude or anything
but me and this dog are kind of hanging out right now
so”
this is me and also possibly a thing I have actually said out loud while at a party…
how can you expect me to socialize if you’re going to let loose your adorable adorable dog????
When my dog is sitting in my lap and I am stroking his face and telling him into his eyes how much I love him and then my husband comes over and tries to get in on the dog-petting action… well, the dog and I just lose our shit at him.
Respect the sacred dog-bonding time, man.
My dog also requires many boneless, blissed-out petting sessions, but if he notices my spouse in the room, he’ll give vent to pointed, aggrieved sighs because “Sure, fine, my head is being stroked and this is great but no one is rubbing my belly and I’m also filled with tremendous sadness that there’s more than two inches of space between us all. Sadness that can be overcome with belly rubs”.
Yup, this one definitely rung the most true for me. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU, THIS IS ABOUT THE DOG. GTFO
I have had the exact conversation with Mr Ipo whilst absorbed in lavishing attention upon our (late beloved) greyhound. Like, no offense, but I don’t want you to touch me while I’m busy lying on the floor being delicately ignored by the dog while I pet her ass.
So, the stone-lion-hand lady is a dead ringer for my sister.
Therefore, what she should be doing with her right hand, at least according to my sister’s Facebook photos, is arm wrestling a line of dudes into submission.
PS. My sister is terrifying. And awesome! And terrifying.
keep ‘em coming
I am so happy.
I don’t know why but I love how pissed off the camel looks.
I would have remembered SO MUCH MORE ART HISTORY if it had been taught by Mallory
Also the Toast is having a… I dunno, just a REALLY GOOD DAY you guys.
No, I don’t have anything more coherent to offer. probably because not enough leopard skins.
But is it the size of the pelt or just the gesture that counts?
It is the size of the pelt.
Also the number of pelts.
It is never enough pelts.
pelt me with them
It is also acceptable to give live leopards.
to my enemies.
wait, give leopards to your enemies, or give your enemies to leopards?
both, maybe.
Give enemy-eating leopards to your enemies.
Then get the leopards back once they have eaten your enemies.
I like your style.
Yes, acceptable.
Also get any leopard pelts the enemies had.
I wish replying to all work emails with carefully selected excerpts from this article/series was a viable option.
Also, this only serves as a reminder that I’ll be seeing the Pre-Raphaelite exhibit at the Met in two weeks and I cannot wait.
Much like the leopard pelts in this post, the Pre-Raphaelite exhibit was…not sufficiently large or numerous. :/ The Charles James exhibit is excellent, though!
Oh no. 🙁
It’s okay, I have an abiding love of the Met in general, so that just means more time to languish in the other galleries and/or stand around in the Gubbio studiolo, which is my favorite thing in the Met anyway. Thanks for the tip on Charles James, as well!
I would do anything the lady in the third painting asked me to do. Anything.
Pretty sure that was how people who knew the real Cleopatra felt, too, much of the time.
Is that who that is? Because yes.
I want to be her when I grow up. I apsire to that level of resting bitch face.
The second picture = my gentleman friend when he realizes that I don’t have any chocolate in the house. Which I never, ever do. I’ve considered keeping a little stash of mini Dove bars just for him but then I wouldn’t get to enjoy his faux passive aggressive displeasure.
Poor harpist never saw it coming.
Is this Henry VIII. Does anybody know. Didn’t he behed a teenage harpist along with his second wife for supposedly shagging her. And wife’s brother too. Nice. Yeah I watch too many crap BBC docus. And don’t know history. But is this Henry VIII?
He did have a musician killed, but not in person and not in that sneaky way. Tortured (by someone hired to do this) and put on trial (not a very fair one). It would have given me a very different view of Harry 8 if he did all his killings personally and when least expected. Like a crocodile.
Edited: And the poor bugger was executed, of course. They didn’t let him off with a warning.
Edited again, because his name just popped into my head [NB I am not googling and I am v proud of this, so I hope I’m right]: Mark Smeaton.
You know, I don’t ask for much in life. I really don’t. Why is it so much to ask that I might be this funny someday? It isn’t. And yet. I am not. UNJUST UNIVERSE.
No one ever reads the labels in museums. I guarantee that if they were written like this ALL THE LABELS WOULD BE READ.
I read them! In fact, it bums me out when I go to read one and it’s just a long list of the names/entities that loaned the museum the piece. Or worse, it just has a little symbol of a dude with headphones indicating that knowledge is reserved for only those on the audio tour. I have an abiding hatred of museum audio tours because, as fascinating as the information in them is, I love roaming around an exhibit at my own pace, looking at things in my own order, etc. It makes me genuinely sad to see patrons just go from Painting 1 On the Audio Tour to Painting Two On the Audio Tour, etc., and ignore all the wonderful art that just doesn’t happen to be discussed over their headphones.
Although I will say, one of my absolute favorite memories of my grandmother is when we went to this big Impressionist exhibit together and she had the audio tour and I did not. At one point, she came up to me to talk about a particular paining, but she forgot she had headphones on, so she *yelled*, “REVENGEOFPOMPOM DID YOU SEE THAT ONE OVER THERE? IT’S WONDERFUL, I LOVE IT!” Everyone, obviously, turned and stared but seriously there should be more exuberant shouting about loving art in museums!
I wholeheartedly agree! There should absolutely be more exuberant shouting about loving art in museums. 🙂 Your grandmother sounds awesome.
I usually do, though I had try to ignore them at the last museum I visited, because they kept being all “this art means THIS” and conflicting with my own impressions of what the art was/meant.
They did have some that had talked about the artist’s own explanation on what it meant, which were better, and some that just gave some context for when it was painted and stuff, which were best. So I’m not anti-explanatory-art-placards, I’m apparently just picky about them.
I read every label! The people who accompany me to museums do not appreciate this, as it normally means I lag behind and am still only halfway through when they have finished and want to move on.
Super proud to share an alma mater with unsatisfied-barmaid/queen. She can lift that fucking huge goblet with one hand and a limp wrist, and refuses to “just smile” for the patriarchy! ( hey my wrist is limp as additional proof of my disdain )
Me too! Plus, it reminds me of a bunch of jobs I had after college.
Excellent! I’m sorry that you had a series of unsatisfying jobs, but if you were anything close to that painting, your life was a work of art. 😛
#bighairnoheart….always #bighairnoheart
So do you think the pre-raphaelites all clubbed together to buy one leopard skin to draw from, or did a bunch fall off the back of a wagon or???
they did re-use props. you often see the same dress, mirror etc in several diff PR paintings 🙂
Do you think the Pre-Raphaelites are like the less vulgar Dov Charney/American Apparel marketing people? Or vice versa of course. Like, “stick out your neck weirdly, your eyebrows and hair should be very big, ok good, now look compliant and/or bored. Perfect!”
Goiters.
By which I mean “no that is her actual neck, enjoy your iodized salt and also the pesticides that mean we don’t have to eat the cabbage variety that blocks iodine adsorption because cabbage-eating insects also need iodine also we eat a lot less cabbage, hurrah.”
I AM SINCERELY LACKING IN LEOPARD PELTS HERE. That must be why I am so miserable lately. #teamleopardpelt
Ever since starting to put together my Circe costume based on a previous one of these, I have become deeply disappointed in how few affordable imitation leopard pelts are available via two day shipping (and the results for tiger stripes are somehow worse).
Why must half a yard of faux fur run me over a hundred dollars? And why has no one simply bought this for me already? http://www.amazon.com/Suevas-Leopard-Sleeve-Boler…
“Oh, you haven’t bought me the faux leopard bolero. No, that’s OK.”
“It’s fine. I can make do.”
… The toast is going to have an open thread where we can share our misandrist Halloween costumes, right?
In all seriousness, I have had great luck finding faux fur in the coat section of Goodwill/Salvation Army. Not many use it for coats themselves anymore, but lots are lined with it.
http://distinctivefabric.com
Holy wow thank you for this site! I need a ridiculous amount of gabardine for a costume, and they have exactly what we’re looking for at a reasonable price.
😀
I discovered them while I needed some gabardine to add a gusset to a too-small coat, but was also quite poor.
My sister has a Witch of the Waste cosplay that she ended up using upholstery shag for because it was cheaper than regular faux fur.
AMAZON PRIME, GET YR SHIT TOGETHER. LEOPARD PELTS FOR EVERYONE.
Is it any wonder the leopard with the Egyptian women is looking so nervous?
yes I’m enjoying this walk
why do you ask
obviously I bought these high-heeled leather boots precisely for hiking
there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing
like reading
this book
that I brought along with me
no I am not planning to murder you in the woods
I’ll do it here. Honestly. It’s fine.
I’ve got this nice dress that you saw me put on when you neglected to say we’d be going into the woods.
I’ll jut hold up my petticoat and my book when I squat down.
I’m sure I won’t get pee on them.
I’ll just use one of these leaves afterwards.
It’s fine. Honestly. I haven’t got another fucking option, have I?
Please tell me,….Who is the artist??
Really into the chin/nose situations on the harpists and dance-better-not-faster ladies. Those chins are just dying to jut arrogantly.
The Pre-Raphaelites seem to really have been into excellent, prominent bone structure. That’s probably how the women could pick flowers so furiously.
“what am I supposed to do with LIFE besides be disappointed?”
I appreciate that woman’s sense of proportionate emotional response.
Just an aside- one of the handmaidens is cuddling with the monkey in the “So this is your whole kingdom?” painting and I wanted to say that’s me, I’m not the girl being imperious, not the one flirting with the guy with the nice muscles and the basket, I’m the one cuddling with the fuzzy monkey.
Finally, Bryn Mawr gets the recognition it deserves!
Upcoming in this series:
Unsatisfied Women in New Baby Photos on Facebook
Unsatisfied Women in Elaborate Surprise Proposals
Unsatisfied Women in Playboy
Unsatisfied Women in the Apple Store
i like dont want to be rude or anything but me and this dog are kind of hanging out right now so: A Memoir
I should like to tour an art museum with Mallory as my guide. Could this be a thing? Toast Trips.
i fucking hate reading. WIN.
Ok, but Saul’s wife is clearly an older, dirtbaggier Snow White.
My sister has a Witch of the Waste cosplay that she ended up using upholstery shag for because it was cheaper than regular faux fur.
AMAZON PRIME, GET YR SHIT TOGETHER. LEOPARD PELTS FOR EVERYONE.
Holy wow thank you for this site! I need a ridiculous amount of gabardine for a costume, and they have exactly what we're looking for at a reasonable price.
LOL! I am laughing as hard as this lady: http://www.wikigallery.org/wiki/painting_321715/%…
… nay, harder
You are totally right about his name!! I of course only know this because of Hilary Mantel.
Dear Mallory,
Please make about a zillion more posts like this. That is all.
jesus
this is a nightmare
i didnt say stop
–Literally me any time someone is dancing
Future potential :
I’m sprinting up a hill,aka, exercising. of course I’m dying to acknowledge you
The ‘noodles’ one looks weird to me.. that cat looks TINY. but it looks like a liger. Like it was shooped in.
I NEED MORE PELTS
I COULD BE WEARING SO MANY MORE PELTS
My fave!!! I want to be pelted with pelts…
Bluefooted would like to show you how many pelts is too many…
http://fif.blog.sbc.edu/files/2011/03/Cat_Skin_by…
WIKIPEDIA:
There once was a lord who had many fine estates and who wished to leave them to a son. When a daughter is born to him instead, he is very unhappy and will not even look at her.
When she is fifteen, her father is willing to marry her off to the first man who offers. When she hates the first man who offers, she goes to a hen-wife, who advises her to demand a coat of silver cloth before the wedding. When her father and suitor provide that, the hen-wife advises a coat of beaten gold, and then a coat made from feathers of all the birds, and then a little coat of catskin.
Catskin is Aarne-Thompson type 510B, unnatural love. Others of this type include Little Cat Skin, Cap O’ Rushes, Donkeyskin, Allerleirauh, The King who Wished to Marry His Daughter, The She-Bear, Mossycoat, Tattercoats, The Princess That Wore A Rabbit-Skin Dress, and The Bear.
Hmmm… I see a more diverse spread of expression in this collection of ladies than I do in any modern media news feed of women’s expressions today. Maybe the notion that women in the past had thoughts of their own, and not just a plastered smile in the attempt to look beautiful had more validity than we even realize? I’m glad these artists did not simply direct the ladies to hold perpetual smiles, but add some dimension to their thoughts.