The Toast’s previous coverage of trans* issues can be found here.
Actual Reasons People Have Told Me I Am Not A Real Man
1.) I enjoy musical theater. (Someone should probably call Hugh Jackman and inform him that he is female.)
2.) I want to kiss other men. (Wanting to kiss women and people of other genders as well is irrelevant. The only people who want to kiss men are women. Full stop.)
3.) I don’t hate women. (Quickest way to get kicked out of any male bonding exercise–refuse to respond positively to the phrase, “Women, amirite?”)
4.) I write fanfiction. (Shakespeare based many of his plays on pre-existing works of fiction. Therefore, Shakespeare was a woman.)
5.) I have a vagina. (Thanks for the reminder, asshole.)
***
Actual Reactions I Have Received In Response To Telling People I Am A Man
1.) “Maybe if you’d had more strong female role models growing up, this wouldn’t have happened.” (On behalf of every woman in my family, every girl I befriended growing up, Sailor Moon, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the Two Princesses of Bamarre, may I say: fuck you.)
2.) “You’re so funny!” – high school friend
3.) “[heavy sigh]” – another friend
4.) “[laughter, disproportionate both in volume and duration]” – roommate
5.) “No, you’re not.” – my mother, and countless others
***
Actual Things Said To Me By Other Trans Men
1.) “Are you binding? You look so flat!” – said in a clearly audible stage-whisper, in front of a large group of strangers I had not come out to and had no intention of ever coming out to.
2.) “How long have you been on T?” – said by a person who I had literally just been introduced to. For the record, I have never been on T.
3.) “Want to help fund my surgery?” – a person who was, at best, a vague acquaintance.
4.) “Are you trans? I could tell from your ears.” – referring to the closed-up piercing holes in my earlobes, after LGBT studies class, where I had stumbled in late, tripped over a desk, and had to explain to the professor in front of thirty other students, that while, yes, he should be marking [girl’s name] as present, I would like to be called Kenneth if at all possible, please.
5.) “Women, amirite?” – said by a person who was not, in fact, right.
ugh.
God, Kenneth, I am so sorry about all this shit.
(and may I say that as a person with healed ear piercing hold I am somewhat boggled to find out that makes me a trans man, when I am a cis woman. These things are so fucking bizarre)
My Dad once told me that only gay men wore pink shirts. When I repeated this information – being an eight-year-old that didn’t know any better – to my mother, she thankfully corrected me and advised me that “whatever your dad says the opposite is probably true.”
Pfffffffff.
People. Amirite?
🙁
some of these are straight up full-size aggressions, yo, maybe even bought in bulk at a Costco.
The economy makes bulk purchases so tempting, but there’s just not enough space in my tiny black heart to store them all.
Like, so full-sized that rich people hand them out at Halloween. Only not delicious and amazing – more like turds in candy bar wrappers. But not even wrapped! This metaphor has lost its way.
But seriously, Kenneth, great piece. This must be so hard to deal with, and I hope you have lots of people around you who are respectful and awesome.
The Two Princesses of Bamarre though! I didn’t know anyone else read that book!
I did!
Ditto, I squealed for five minutes when it was mentioned.
“Were you abused by a man? You could be identifying with your abuser.”
“I’m sorry you hate yourself so much.”
“It’s perfectly possible to live as a masculine woman.”
“Oh, every woman wants to be a man!”
“I can always tell.”
ARGH. I am so sorry that such things were said to you.
Yeah, crap like this is why 95% of conversations never get to the, “Actually I’m non-binary and this is what it means,” stage.
God it must be so tough to be forced to put up with such crap. I shall try to do my bit in educating other cis people so that you can get to that stage more often.
I don’t know what pronouns you prefer so I’m not sure whether you have to put up with this in addition to everything else but I think the thing that really makes me want to scream is when people say ‘But using “they” for one person is grammatically incorrect!’ as if their STUPID prescriptive elitist grammar puritanism is more important than not being a f***ing douchebag. I know that’s by no means the worst that trans* people have to put up with but it’s so unbelievably petty it really gets my goat.
As a “stupid prescriptive elistist grammar puritan”, let me tell you… using “they” in the singular is perfectly acceptable grammar.
So next time you get in an argument with someone about it, just tell them an internet commenter said it was fine!
Or alternatively, refer them to this article http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/tomchiversscien… or the many others like it that say it’s fine.
Bookmarking that singular “they” article for future use against pedantic bigots.
Ooh yeah, I hadn’t come across that article before but I have actually cited Jane Austen in the past when I got into this sort of argument. Great link for more authoritative source. But I think, like the whole split infinitives thing (that’s Latin! English isn’t Latin!), few people who pride themselves on their grammar seem to be convinced EVEN THOUGH WE’RE TOTALLY RIGHT. Ehem. I feel like what’s more important is that even if they were right, in what sort of ridiculous worldview is their idea of grammar more important than respecting another person’s self-identity? (And I speak as an editor and English Lit postgraduate.)
THESE TOO
“4.) I write fanfiction.”
Judging by this logic, Dante Alighieri was a woman who loved self-insert fic.
Quickest way to get kicked out of any male bonding exercise–refuse to respond positively to the phrase, “Women, amirite?”
So, so true. I hate it so much.
Another phrase that angers me: if the men in the group are married to women: “Wives, amirite?”
I would really like to this happen though. How does it go down? “Women, amirite?” “Yeah, they’re great!”
Edit: I read this as “respond positively,” not “refuse to respond positively.”
Thank you; I’ll be using this one.
Ha, please do, and please let me know what happens.
Oh shit dude, I’ve gotten a bunch of those too! Politeness goes out the window for many people when they’re talking to trans folks. Ugh.
5.) “No, you’re not.” – my mother, and countless others
OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE
What makes anyone think they’re better equipped to assess someone’s internal, personal experience than that very person? Simple logic: if you tell me who you are and how you identify, there is no reasonable response that does not include “Yes.”
Real actual quote from my douchebag father, when I explained the difference between outward body stuff and internally felt gender identification:
“Oh, so it’s just your (tone=”scornful”) opinion (/tone), then.”
What I find difficult to understand is why people who would ordinarily have pretty good manners suddenly seem to forget them all when talking to or about trans* people.
I mean, it’s one thing being ignorant of certain things, like not knowing that trans women are not to be referred to as ‘born male’ but ‘assigned male at birth’ if for some reason it has to come up in conversation, or even not knowing that ‘tranny’ is a slur (though far less excuse for that these days with trans* issues gaining more attention in the media). I can see how people without malicious intentions who don’t mean to hurt might say these things. I devoutly hope I never did use slurs and I would be horribly ashamed and sorry if I did through ignorance but I am sad to say that I certainly would have said ‘born male’ before I started educating myself on these issues.
BUT SERIOUSLY how does someone who isn’t an outright bigot ever think it’s okay to (a) assume that someone’s gender identity is a Terrible Thing to be Lamented and (b) ascribe that to a perceived fault in their childhood?! I mean surely they’d see that it would be incredibly rude to say something like, say, ‘I expect you didn’t go to university since you probably grew up in a divorced family’ ?
What I find SO WEIRD is that trans* people often get asked about their sexual organs. Why do these people not realise that asking someone intimate questions about their sexual organs IS STILL WEIRD AND REALLY RUDE if they’re talking to trans* people?! They would never do it to cis people so how does this manners gap happen? ARGH.
This is why I keep mentioning the topic of trans* rights to cis people because then I can try to make sure preemptively that they don’t lose their basic manners if they ever talk to or about trans* people.
Right, like, no one would ever ever ever say to a cis dude in casual conversation “So, is your penis curved or straight? Oh, you’re Jewish, how do you feel about being circumcised? Are your balls shaved?” It would be obvious to pretty much anyone that that is weird and rude and uncomfortable, and if anyone asked that in a room with other people, all the other people would ask them what the fuck was wrong with them. I don’t get how people routinely fail to extend that basic conversational decency to *everyone.*
Exactly! ‘Please stop asking me about my genitalia’ is not a sentence that should ever have to be uttered!
it’s cool that you’re not on T! it’s also cool when people are on T but it’s rare and cool to hear from other folks who identify as ftm not taking T *waves awkwardly*
*waves enthusiastically back*
Quickest way to get kicked out of any male bonding exercise–refuse to respond positively to the phrase, “Women, amirite?”
Hoooly shit, this one EVERY TIME. It says a lot about the state of our society that people who’ve assumed I’m a cis guy up to that point will start to second guess themselves as soon as I actually, y’know, don’t act like a sexist asshole.
How often does that happen? Are all cis-dudes horribly sexist in private?? Why are people awful?
The short answer is WAY MORE OFTEN THAN I WOULD LIKE, but the fact that I live in Utah may have something to do with it– I’ve spent a lot of my time accidentally infiltrating the inner circles of socially conservative, casually misogynistic cowboys like the world’s worst queer spy. (I’d like to believe cis dudes in other parts of the country are marginally better, but someone else would have to confirm/deny, and since Kenneth’s bio says he’s from Massachusetts I’m gonna have to assume they’re really not.)
AHAHAHAHA ‘world’s worst queer spy’. You’re great.
I was once invited to a dinner and the friend who invited me, knowing of my views, very cautiously treaded around what he really wanted to say, which was ‘Some of my friend’s friends may be quite conservative. Is this going to be a big problem?’ I responded with ‘Oh don’t worry, I’m like the Tory Whisperer.’ I have over the years become quite adept at sticking to my principles and disagreeing with and persuading people while avoiding a hostile confrontational argument, which is not always the fair thing to do in some social situations. From what you say, I expect you have had to cultivate something of this too?
Both ‘world’s worst queer spy’ and ‘tory whisperer’ are amazing. I am bad at remaining polite in the face of conservatism.
Also, this is all super-depressing to hear. In some paper, I forget which, a while back, there was a really great article on trans men in the upper-level sciences who said largely the same thing about stumbling into super misogynistic groups/conversations.
Re politeness – I rather over-sold myself there I think – there definitely have been quite a few times when I’ve not succeeded in keeping my cool! I think for me it depends on a few things like – are they coming from a good place, however offensively mistaken they are? Are the views not only offensive but also offensively expressed and intended?
Sometimes even if they are just horrendous people with no redeeming features, it does feel like one doesn’t have much of a choice in how to deal with them. Like the utter prick I met at my friend’s book launch. He deserved to be called a sexist racist dickhead but did I want to cause a fracas at my friend’s book launch and thus maybe spoil his big day? No. But I was so furious that I did deal a few swipes under a thin veneer of steely politeness.
Sorry bit verbose today…
They’re really not. I’ve had good results in training some cis men to be less terrible (or at least to act less terrible whenever I’m within earshot), but it’s slow going.
Well done on training them!
I’m sorry I really hope – as I said – that it didn’t seem as if I was trying to deny or undermine your experiences of discrimination in my comment above. I wanted to share some of the hope I felt through some of the people I knew but if you think it’s a bit too #Notallcismen then I’ll delete that bit. I’m not sure I’ve expressed myself well up there… I respect yours and clerval’s experience and I don’t want to undermine it.
Actually you know what I’ve deleted it as I decided even with all the disclaimers it is not the appropriate context.
I hate to say this but … it sounds like they really ARE. Seriously, when you have to train them like dogs to be decent human beings, I’m going to be throw myself on that grenade and say yes. Yes, they are that awful. There is simply no other way to put it. I truly wish it weren’t the case. It would be a lot nicer to be stuck on this planet with them if that were the case, but it’s not. *sigh*
Anyhow, there’s your dose of happy optimism for a Friday morning, I suppose.
i’m sorry dude.
screw transphobes for real.
solidarity, love + rage.
What the actual FUCK.
I am so, so sorry that some people are horrible and unkind.
Thanks for the reminder to just…be nice to others.
Aaaargghhh some people are just rotten bags of garbage wrapped in skinsuits.
Thank you for writing – it’s so important to share our experiences when so many people are dead-set on denying them.
How nice to know that when I woke up this morning with an irrational loathing of everyone, really I was just preparing myself for reading this.
I’m sorry that people are so atrociously trained in how to be Adult Humans that they think any of these things are okay to think, let alone say outloud!
ridiculously late, but when i was small i once had a friend inform me that i must be christian because
a-i was very nice
b-i knew of veggie tales
c- i didnt "look jewish;