Previously: Dirtbag Hamlet.
MILO: fuck everything
everything fucking sucks
“FOR MILO, WHO HAS PLENTY OF TIME”
MILO: the fuck is this
“ONE GENUINE TURNPIKE TOLLBOOTH”
“EASILY ASSEMBLED AT HOME, AND FOR USE BY THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER TRAVELED IN LANDS BEYOND”
MILO: more like a fuckin toolbooth
TOCK: I am a guard against wasted time!
We must leave the Doldrums at once!
MILO: oh im a guard too
you must go fuck yourself at once
KING AZAZ: You must rescue the Princesses of Rhyme and Reason
MILO: no i mustnt
KING AZAZ: Please, my dear boy!
Without these sisters, our kingdom will decay into chaos
MILO: sisters eh
nice
KING AZAZ: in this box are all the words i know
guard them well
MILO: oh for sure i will
thanks
(Milo throws the box out of the car window)
MILO: ‘guard this well’
guard it yourself
HUMBUG: BALDERDASH I SAY
ABSOLUTE POPPYCOCK MY DEAR BOY
NOW HERE’S WHAT YOU MUST DO
MILO: dont fucking touch me you creep
WHETHER MAN: I’m the Whether Man!
Not the Weather Man!
After all, it’s more important to know whether there will be weather
than what the weather will be!
MILO: hey ive got an idea
why dont you come with me
(MILO opens the passenger door)
(THE WHETHER MAN puts one foot on the running board)
(MILO drives away)
MILO: asshole
ALEC BING: In my family, we start up and grow down!
MILO: that right
(MILO steals ALEC’s shoes and leaps into the car)
ALEC BING: Wait a minute! Those are mine! Come back here!
MILO: grow after me if you want em back so bad
touch the ground much
MATHEMAGICIAN: Welcome to Digitopolis!
Can I interest you in subtraction soup?
Or perhaps some multiplication mackerels!
MILO: what can you tell me about those hot sisters
theyre in a cage somewhere or something
MATHEMAGICIAN: The Dodecahedron has twelve sides!
What wonderful things will you learn in the kingdom of math?
MILO: fuck you im not going to learn anything
and twelve sucks
THE SOUNDKEEPER: and this is where I store all of the sounds in the valley
so we can enjoy this wonderful silence
MILO: whats this button here for
THE SOUNDKEEPER: oh, that’s the ‘ESCAPE’ button, don’t press –
(MILO presses the button; an incomprehensible cacophony follows)
(THE SOUNDKEEPER sobs helplessly on the floor)
TOWNSPEOPLE: Milo you saved us
MILO (lights a cigarette): i didn’t do it for you
THE TERRIBLE TRIVIUM: hey
MILO: hey
THE TERRIBLE TRIVIUM: you know what fuckin sucks
MILO: what
THE TERRIBLE TRIVIUM: doin stuff
MILO: right on
right on
THIS IS THE BEST THING
I am wheezing with laughter at my desk. You have forever changed the way I read Phantom Tollbooth, which is one of the best books ever written.
nice
Real upset that a certain bird didn’t make an appearance here, though.
Nor did Aunt Faintly! Doesn’t family mean anything anymore?
Appalled, I am!
(I’m so glad to see you! Was hoping you’d show up here.)
Of course! Any activity involving words without speaking or leaving one’s room is satisfactory to me. (Actually, I’ve been sadly kept away from The Toast lately. But I’m on vacation right now, which obviously means Toast time!)
Ahahahaaha THE TERRIBLE TRIVIUM, of course. I laughed so hard at this that my dog is giving me concerned looks.
JUST LIKE TOCK WOULD.
Terrible Trivium: the eternal dirtbag.
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD
EDIT: OH MY GOD
right on
In my head, I read the teenage dirtbag part in the voice of one of my college friends, who is no longer a teenager but still kind of a dirtbag and it’s infinitely delightful!
In this thread: people whose lives were shaped irrevocably by The Phantom Tollbooth
*waves wildly*
Yep. Re-imagined fairy tales and The Phantom Tollbooth made me the person I am today. RAISE YOUR FANTASTICAL AND GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT FREAK FLAGS, MY FRIENDS.
Please note that today is National Grammar Day! SALUTE THE FREAK FLAG.
This is perfect and beautiful.
Thumbs up because TOM THAT’S WHY.
(Basically I am a sucker for that dude.)
You and me both, bb. You and me both.
Hellllooooooooo! And I have to keep re-buying it because all my copies of it (at least four in adulthood) keep going through their own tollbooth and vanishing. I am keeping a close and suspicious eye on the ebook version on my kindle.
They are going to others who need them more.
But let us know if the ebook version fucks off, though.
That’s what I figured, so I’ve waved them off knowing they are fulfilling their destiny. (Just checked, still there at the moment.)
*jumps up and down*
*accidentally ends up on the island of Conclusions*
Hands in the air like you just don’t…
I always wanted to be Chroma.
YUP. I wrote a college entry admissions essay about this book. I’ve also gifted it to all the 8-year-olds I know (which is admittedly, like, two people) in the hope it will help them as much as it helped me.
You’re doing good work. I am forever indebted to my aunt, who gave me my copy around that age.
My aunt gave me my copy! I think I was around 10. And I bought a fancy 50th anniversary edition and had it autographed by Norton Juster for my baby cousin. I’m very impatient for her to get old enough for me to give it to her for her birthday. If only she were like Alec…
AUTOGRAPHED BY JUSTER. She will grow to appreciate it.
I’d best dig out my paper copy (if it’s still here) and hand it over to my niece this evening when I go over there…
I didn’t read the book until later, but I watched the movie version (starring Eddie Munster as Milo!) at least 3 times every summer that I visited my grandma. She had taped it from TV onto a VHS, and my cousins and I watched it over and over. I can still sing the jingles to the commercials from the tape.
“I’m gymnast Barbie! Now I can move like you!”
Yep. On one wonderful cross-country road trip with my Mom, our car CD player broke, so we couldn’t listen to any of the audiobooks we had brought. Instead, we read my battered, coffee-stained copy of The Phantom Tollbooth out loud to each other. It was marvelous!
*Silently raises hand*
What wonderful things will you learn in the kingdom of math?
MILO: fuck you im not going to learn anything
and twelve sucks
Dude I am on board with this. Fuck twelve. Thirteen is WAY more metal.
Oh my god, Mallory, just LOL at the title. Okay, now off to read it!
The rest of the post was just as good as the title. You are a goddess, Mallory!
God, I love these Dirtbag posts:
“Sisters, eh? Nice.”
“Grow after me if you want em back so bad. Touch the ground much.”
HAHAHAHA!!!!!!
I imagined this whole thing in Jesse Pinkman’s voice, but particularly those two lines!
I’m pretty sure your teenage dirtbags would get along real well with Kate Beaton’s mystery-solving teens.
Some asshole starting reading this at the library but was snort-laughing so hard that I had to come home to finish it. I don’t know how people read The Toast at work and keep their jobs, but that’s the job I want.
Some asshole starting reading this at the library but was snort-laughing so hard that I had to come home to finish it. I don't know how people read The Toast at work and keep their jobs, but that's the job I want.
“Touch the ground much” ahahahaha
This is my very favorite book of all time and now that it’s been brought to my attention, there are a lot of dirtbags in it, aren’t there?
I try not to be greedy when it comes to divine muses.
I try not to be greedy when it comes to divine muses.