Xerxes: Faggy???? BUT TALL. don’t SAY faggy, obviously. Jewels, naked, autotune mouth. Think The Burning Man from Burning Man.
Saw a Day of the Dead thing the other day?? Incorporate that into costume/makeup somehow, seemed like a lot of fun
Sex scene: NOT ENOUGH CHOKING??? at least four cuts where there is absolutely NO CHOKING. unacceptable
– could be more choking here
– good choking in this scene
– if these two stay in the same position for more than 2 frames somebody’s getting fired
– no choking at end?? ?
need this character to talk about poetry, remind main character Greeks write poetry at least once
Artemesia: apparently SURVIVED battle of salamis IRL? fix
image: think PARAMORE CONCERT ATTENDEE (get them for soundtrack??)
IMPORTANT QUESTION: enough ear studs?
what’s that condition where sex and evil make women go crazy –Xenia from Goldeneye?? that
who is this I don’t know who this is
remember: CAPES yes, SHIRTS no, ARMOR definitely no
have bad guys invent suicide bombing but keep parallels SUBTLE
don’t think we can get away with this as an actual line but character note: when Themistocles returns from Artemesia’s barge and his men ask “what did you learn” the unspoken thought should be “dude he banged her”
Tags: classical antiquity, gladiator movies, ive been watching a lot of movies in 3d lately, not technically gladiators but come on they’ve got sandals and swords, rated pg13 for some othering but what are you gonna do, sparta, the 300, this movie has so much gender in it
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‘don’t forget to make it oddly homophobic for a film about a culture that did lots of gay sex, also all the main characters are shirtless and oiled’
“Can we make them shinier? Do that.”
From the historically accurate director’s cut of 300:
Leonidas: “Not like those boy-lover Athenians.”
Spartan # 293: “Sire, we’re Spartans. We actually have a much more developed system of pederasty than the Athenians.”
Leonidas: “Shut up and OIL ME DOWN, SPARTAN!”
I love this so much
“We sure to love freedom unlike those Persian tyrants.”
“Yeah! Now lets go ritualistically beat and murder the slaves that run our entire insane cult society!”
“Oh yeah, I mean there are SO MANY slaves you gotta keep them in line.”
“Totes. I hope we don’t become a backward sideshow attraction for Roman tourists eventually.”
“That would be soooooo embarrassing.”
Also weren’t Spartan women shaved bald? And more or less engaged in a non-stop drunken wrestling match?
Leonidas: “Men will know that 300 brave Spartans died here defending freedom”
Spartan #293, gurgling his own blood: “Actually, sire… the Persian Empire… outlawed slavery… whereas we Spartans… not only have legal slavery… but conduct regular terror purges of the slaves… to keep them docile…”
Leonidas: “Well. Shit.”
Spartan #293 sounds like the only guy in the kingdom who made sense. Clearly, he had to die.
What’s the shirtless equivalent of a redshirt?
Red cape.
But EVERYONE in 300 wears a red–oh
This thread is so much more enjoyable than the movie (I only saw the first one, but still)
Spartans did actually have shitloads of slaves. That’s part of the reason they were so militaristic, in case there was a slave uprising.
Was it here that we were talking about how the Spartans would declare war on the helots every year, just so that it was legal to kill them if, you know, a Spartan felt like it?
SHITLOADS of slaves.
Spartan women’s lives were one half naked gymnastics, since any old strenuous physical activity could be justified on the grounds that it built up the strength one might need to bear strong sons that you would later tell to go die in battle and stop bothering you, and the other half basically the ancient AU version of Diderot’s The Nun since all the men were conveniently off in the men’s barracks having intense bonding sessions and leaving the women to make their own fun. I dropped out of classics grad school so I am a reliable source on this.
As a person who once listened to an online course about ancient Greece, I officially confirm this.
I would very much like to see THAT in 3D, please.
“Remember, why we’re making this movie— pranking straight dudes into questioning their sexuality.”
“CAPES yes, SHIRTS no, ARMOR definitely no”
300 in a single thought, perfect.
edit: Also no to body hair, apparently.
You know who I think of when I think of hairless men? Men from the Mediterranean region, obviously.
lol irl. oh my.
*snort*
::High five through the Internet::
literally the best comment ever.
(I’ve started referring to my continual hair-removal as “conquering my Greek genes.” Yay summer. And that I mean ARGH.)
Mediterraneans have no body hair, what are you talking about. No body hair ever anywhere near Greece.
Artemesia and Themistocles DID WHAT?!??!!
It’s famous for what?!
The screencaps of Eva Greene alone are an entire art degree’s worth of poor girlfriend decisions, summarized for all to see. She is the avatar of all that we ever considered a _great_ idea at the time./
Of course, so are all the men.
Hahaha I was reading about the sex scene on Vulture last night, and was wondering if you were going to talk about it, Mallory.
I hope they do a PG version!
THIS IS CAKETOWN https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNqiSkd1M6k
Brush! Your! Teeeeeth!
(My work computer blocks youtube, but it can’t block me from repeating that video from memory. I also enjoyed the parody one with “Tonight we dine at Olive Garden!” at the time, but Caketown really has stood the test of time better.)
Then we shall hug in the shade!
SHITLOADS of slaves.
Yo, I know that the point is to make fun of studio execs… but the use of faggy here is really getting under my skin. The Toast has all kinds of cred with me–please don’t use that to sling around slurs. 🙁