Greetings From Utah; Say Hello To Jaya and Matt

by Mallory Ortberg · March 12, 2014

matt jayaHello, friends and well-wishers! I am safely in Utah, after driving through a handful of hailstorms in the dark and in the cold. I even managed to return an automotive favor to the universe by giving a jump to a stranded family outside of Tooele. Imagine that! Me, giving someone help with a car. Now I am where I belong: in Nicole’s guest bedroom, eating the tacos she makes for me and trying to keep up with her horrifying workouts with Aurora.

Next week I am going away; I am taking an entire week off from bringing you regularly scheduled content in order to drive with my grandma to the Grand Canyon. (It is no train trip, but we are going to have a great time.) While I’m gone, Nicole will be joined by our own Jaya Saxena and Matt Lubchansky, two longstanding friends of the Toast and personal allies. Welcome warmly the pair which has brought you:

How can such skill be contained in a single affianced couple? Friends, I must confess I do not know. But they will be yours for the week, if you will have them.

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56 Comments

  1. EPWordsnatcher +48

    How did I never make the connection that Jaya and Matt are affianced? Truly they are a magical pair of humans.

    1. dakimel +21

      I have no idea what their wedding plans are, but the flights of fancy I imagine for them are utterly beguiling and the most fun you’ve ever had watching people pledge their troth.

      2. mbculver +3

        I’m now enjoying pipe-dreams of awesome cartoons chronicling some aspect of the troth-pledging…

  2. NicoleCliffe +62

    We are ingeniously paying for Jaya and Matt’s work by shoving all of our reader-sponsored posts and free posts into next week so we could just cut them a check for our usual freelance budget! Problem, solved.

    1. mattielubchansky +79

      i forgot to bring this up during our extremely heated negotiation, but i also would have accepted Nick as payment

  4. NicoleCliffe +57

    Mallory didn’t even throw up after yesterday’s workout! She’s limping a bit today, but she’s filled with the pure joy that can only come from hard work.

    1. dakimel +63

      “the pure joy that can only come from hard work” = unmitigated rage at the person who forces you to workout too much.

  5. jhsaxena +68

    First order of business: everyone use the word “affianced” more.

    Also hi everyone! Come hang out with us next week! It’ll be just like hanging out with us in real life but with slightly fewer stories about giving our cat asthma medication.

    1. mattielubchansky +59

      it got a little spotty, but i think she’s going to pull through and live a full life as a fat sack of crap that i love more than anything in the dumb world

          1. EPWordsnatcher +11

            KITTIES. Hello. Jaya, you aren’t going to post a picture your cats on the internet without telling us their names, are you?

          4. Lu3

            Baybees! I’m partial to cranky-looking brown tabbies. xo
            T’other one is beautiful (too).

    3. Lu3 +8

      Does kitty have an inhaler?1!~~!@ 😀
      I got so excited that I couldn’t control my exclamation-point finger.

    1. robot_dinosaur +16

      I’m gonna do my best to break the internet but I am just a MAVERICK like that.

  8. dakimel +38

    Mallory, the Grand Canyon is a terrifying gaping maw eager to swallow up adorable grannies + their kind-hearted grandkids. You are being foolish and endangering your person, and the person of your grandmother.

    Plus the donkeys all have vendettas against the humans (not that I blame them), and WILL KILL YOU. And the chipmunks will feast on your rotting corpses.

    I mean, it’s pretty and all. But not worth it. (My fear of heights may be talking here some.) Stay at Nicole’s and eat burritos.

      1. highfivesforall +11

        Mallory: if you haven’t already figured out where you’re staying, I recommend Williams, AZ. You have to go to the south rim anyway because it is winter, and it’s about an hour south of the canyon. I went just a month ago and met the mayor at the restaurant he owns, Wild West Junction. They also have themed rooms you can rent, though we didn’t know that in enough time. It was delightful, John the Mayor was delightful, and somehow while there we managed to get free tickets to Bearizona, which meant I got to see 5 baby bears climb the same tree.

          1. highfivesforall +15

            Bearizona is extremely real, and I can’t say it out loud enough times. Also baby bears, baby bears playing, baby bears falling over and having to pick themselves back up, baby bearssssss

    2. ofTrebond +13

      Also they have giant ravens there. That want nothing more than to pluck out your eyes with their giant beaks.

      1. hawthorn_tree +6

        One more reason to keep wearing glasses. Good luck eating my eyes through those, ravens!

      1. NicoleCliffe +7

        ugh, nm, my mom has it. I only have Death in Yellowstone and Death in Yosemite.

        1. NicoleCliffe +15

          it is the best and longest book in the world, and a paradise for misandrists, bc only men are stupid enough to pee off the grand canyon while drunk

          SPOILER: YOU WILL FALL IN

          1. dakimel +2

            PEEING OFF THE GRAND CANYON!

            MEN ARE SO STUPID!

            (note to self: never again take sons to the Grand Canyon; further, ban them from road trips with all their stupid friends.)

  11. elsamac +24

    SUBSTITUTE MODERATORS i’m going to put my prank name on the roll call ahahahahahaha

  12. Bittersweet

    I'm now enjoying pipe-dreams of awesome cartoons chronicling some aspect of the troth-pledging…

  14. PonyAlong +2

    Hello Jaya and Matt! Come and join us at the best cafeteria table after class! (It’s the one by the window that overlooks a perfectly treed grassy verge).