Scenes From The Book of Revelation I Look Forward To Seeing on Sleepy Hollow

by Mallory Ortberg · November 21, 2013

sleepy hollow“There are a lot of characters that we are inspired by in The Bible. There are a lot of characters that play into coming in and out of the apocalypse — The Seven Signs, what’s our version of that and who can we adapt that that’s not so obvious? Even the population of Sleepy Hollow is 144,000 — that’s a number from the Bible. There are a lot of details from the Bible, but we’re not trying to do the Bible literally. But the Bible in a more general sense as a marker for American history; we’re being inspired by American history and the legends of our cultures.”

Revelation 8:1-3

“When the Lamb opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour, as Abbie attempted to explain the concept of Quizno’s to Ichabod, who shook his head and eventually said There are too many meats, it is a sin to choose from so many meats, so she gave up and just ordered for him.”

Revelation 11:3-4

“And I will appoint my two witnesses, and they will prophesy for 1260 or as many seasons as Fox sees fit to renew them for, hopefully at least three so there’s enough episodes to go into syndication, clothed in sackcloth, or knee-length greatcoats just swimming in buttons and a lot of really well-tailored button-downs, with just the right amount of eyeliner for a look that’s distinctive without being too done.”

Revelation 16:21-22

“And Ichabod awoke from a dream and said to Abbie I think there might be a treasure map on the back of the Declaration and she said What and he said Nothing, it’s nothing, I just had a weird dream, I think I was thinking of something else and she said Do you want any water and he said No it’s fine and then they both went back to sleep.”

Revelation 20:12-15

“And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books. And Abbie tried to explain the Pacific Garbage Patch to Ichabod until he begged her to stop, and she had to go buy him frozen yogurt until he felt better.”

Revelation 21:8 

“After narrowly avoiding kidnapping and torture by the Knights of Columbus, Ichabod is distracted by a very small dog in the town’s main park. ‘It’s a very small dog,’ he said unto Abbie, by way of explanation between giggles. ‘So comically small. Who ever would want such a small dog,’ and then he did giggle again, and pet the dog and call it ‘a wee thing’ until Abbie told him he was making people stare, and then he did ask if they could get frozen yogurt again, and Abbie did say yes, Amen.”

Revelation 24:5-6

“And the ghost of Amelia Earhart did take them to the Bermuda Triangle, where Ichabod quietly called Abbie by her real first name Grace, just once, and she acted like she did not hear him, and he did clench his hands into fists.”

Revelation 25:11-14

“And the gates of that city were as azure, and as lapis lazuli, and Ichabod revealed that he had been friends with Benjamin Franklin, whose name was not Benjamin Franklin at all, but Nostradamus, and that he had discovered a method for turning wheat into jam, which was not as useful an alchemy as he had originally hoped but you had to admit was kind of interesting.”

Revelation 28:28

“And I did see Andy standing there, and he did see Abbie and Ichabod enjoying their frozen yogurts together, and he did mutter to himself What does she see in that guy anyhow, and then his head fell off again.”

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59 Comments

  1. Karen Healey +24

    oh my god the beautiful story of a girl and her tree has made it to the Toast all is solemn joy.

  2. erindubitably +34

    “And Ichabod awoke from a dream and said to Abbie I think there might be a treasure map on the back of the Declaration and she said What and he said Nothing, it’s nothing, I just had a weird dream, I think I was thinking of something else and she said Do you want any water and he said DID YOU PAY FOR IT? and she rolled her eyes beleaguredly and then they both went back to sleep.”

  3. JocastaCarr +22

    This is hilarious and perfect (and Nicole Beharie is absolutely a vision of comeliness, tastefully done eyeliner or no tastefully done eyeliner). As much as I love this show’s batshit craziness, I would absolutely enjoy every moment of a version that was just Ichabod discovering/trying 21st century things and Abbie explaining and helping him through it. He would definitely be all about frozen yogurt.

    Also, literally snort/coughed/laughed at Benjamin Franklin as Nostradamus turning wheat into jam. My co-worker thought I was choking on my Greek yogurt…

      1. JocastaCarr +13

        It totally could be, that’s a good point. Gotta love a show where well-done eyeliner defies the gender binary!

  4. Interrobanged +22

    I’m finally caught up on Sleepy Hollow and I think I’m comfortable saying Nicole Beharie is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I want her to be practical and tough-minded yet compassionate at me while wearing a leather jacket.

  5. anninyn +24

    I am loving this ridiculous show and I have such a crush on pretty much the entire cast it is untrue.

      1. boothjacobs +13

        little known fact, a jawline chiseled from marble is actually a requirement to join the SHPD.

    2. embryoconcepts +5

      Oh, thank goodness. Glad I’m not alone in lusting for the main 4 (the sisters, Crane and Captain. Sorry, Andy…you’re soulless. And dead)

  7. boothjacobs +18

    THANK YOU MALLORY

    however you forgot the part about how the Witnesses’ sidekicks shall be determined by the expressiveness of their eyebrows.

      2. Abanthis +3

        Truly, their glory is like the glory of the coming of the lord. She should be announced by a chorus of trumpets every time she arches one.

  8. EPWordsnatcher +20

    PS: if everyone isn’t at least keeping an eye on the Sleepy Hollow writers’ twitter account you SHOULD BE.

    “We imagine that too RT @Hurp_durpa “Every time the Horseman shows up I imagine he’d shout “HORSEMAN MUTHAFUCKAS”if he had a head.””

      2. JocastaCarr +6

        God yes. I found out last night he’s an SPN fan/Destiel shipper and I had a paroxysm of delight. SuperSleepy (SleepyNatural?) fandom 4ever.

    2. embryoconcepts +12

      Did Mallory write their tagline? “The official twitter of the Sleepy Hollow Writers Room. Our fates are so entwined, you guys.”

      3. sandwichharlot +6

        *furiously biting my lips so as not to burst out into cackling laughter in the middle of the quiet study room*

  12. Connor Joel +9

    “…and Ichabod revealed that he had been friends with Benjamin Franklin, whose name was not Benjamin Franklin at all, but Nostradamus, and that he had discovered a method for turning wheat into jam, which was not as useful an alchemy as he had originally hoped but you had to admit was kind of interesting.”

    OK, you got me. Even this fictional premise of this fiction has made me NEED to watch more episodes of the show.

  13. anachronistique +8

    BEAUTIFUL. ALL OF IT. (Someone who can draw needs to draw me Ichabod confronted with a purse dog.)

  14. EnchiladaTaco +21

    I just really want Abbie to take Ichabod to an Outback Steakhouse, with the overfriendly servers and the large, neon colored drinks and the bloomin’ onions and “it’s a penal colony, why is that an appropriate theme for a dining establishment?”

    Mainly if I were in her shoes I would be doing everything in my power to keep that appalled/puzzled expression on his face because I think it is adorable and he gets so snarky, and this is the best show and everyone is so attractive.

    1. EPWordsnatcher +10

      I would adore this. Unfortunately I just looked it up and apparently the first fleet didn’t arrive with prisoners until 1788, which I believe is post-naptime for Mr. Crane.

      BUT HIS FACE WITH THE BLOOMIN ONION THOUGH.

      1. EnchiladaTaco +11

        Ugh, damn. Oh well, we will just have to be content with his BLOOMIN ONION FACE.

        Seriously, I would be spending all of my time coming up with new ways to appall and amaze him. Laser tag! Nascar! The mall! COSTCO.

  15. mkpatter +1

    Love this, but the show is only 12/13 episode seasons, and they have no plans to really expand that episode order as far as I’ve read, so 3 seasons would not be enough for syndication, because you need 100 episodes.

    1. lyetteann +1

      Didn’t they order a full 20 when they renewed it? I can’t imagine Fox isn’t looking to milk its popularity for all it’s worth.

      1. mkpatter +1

        “But Fox is looking to the cable model with their new show, as Sleepy Hollow’s first season will only run for 13 episodes, as opposed to getting the usual “back-nine” episode order that most shows get. It will return next fall for a similar run.”

        So, nope!

        1. msjinxie +6

          Boooo!
          Though I do think they’re smart to keep the seasons short – I think a lot of potentially great American TV suffers from having too many episodes per season, and too many seasons, period. (Supernatural, I still love you, but oooof.)

          1. EPWordsnatcher +3

            Yeah, ends up being a lot of “We’re going to take this interesting plotline and beat it to death over the course of 20+ episodes” which is not fair to anyone.

          2. mkpatter +4

            Yep, and I’ve read interviews with the creators where they’re like, “We want to keep it to shorter episodes so it doesn’t get killed with filler episodes.”

  16. sandwichharlot +5

    Everything about this is glorious and perfect and has made my so far off-kilter day endlessly better.

    Also this: “And the ghost of Amelia Earhart did take them to the Bermuda Triangle, where Ichabod quietly called Abbie by her real first name Grace, just once, and she acted like she did not hear him, and he did clench his hands into fists.”

    Aaaaaaauuugh. *sigh*

  17. Megano!

    Yep, and I've read interviews with the creators where they're like, "We want to keep it to shorter episodes so it doesn't get killed with filler episodes."