Women Rejecting Marriage Proposals In Western Art History

by Mallory Ortberg · November 6, 2014

This post is brought to you by Seth D. Michaels.

NCP021195130 01

oh wow
flowers
the kind you get from the dirt, for free
how thoughtful

proposal42

I SAID, I’ll think about it
look are we gonna finish this chess game or what

The Wooing of Daphnis exhibited 1881 by Arthur Lemon 1850-1912

mmm
idk
i kind of already have all the cows i need
so i don’t really see what i would get out of this

Too Late 1858 by William Lindsay Windus 1822-1907

well you’re too late, Richard
I’m a lesbian now
WE’RE ALL LESBIANS NOW
ARE YOU HAPPY
YOU LEFT AND NOW WE’RE ALL LESBIANS AND EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE

proposal32

hang on
lemme just finish this chapter

The Proposal (The Marquis and Griselda) circa 1850 by Frederic George Stephens 1828-1907

is he wearing red tights
is this man seriously wearing red tights while he proposes at me

Palemon and Lavinia circa 1792 by Henry Singleton 1766-1839

i dunno
i kind of have a lot on my mind right now
i have a lot of
wheat in my skirt
and that’s a whole thing
so i don’t think this is a very good idea

A Foregone Conclusion 1885 by Sir Lawrence Alma-Tadema 1836-1912

oh my god
oh my god Tess you did it
he actually bought a ring
shh
he’ll hear you
this is hilarious
if you can’t keep a straight face you’re going to ruin the whole thing
oh my god no i can do it i swear
ahahaha what a chump though
look at him staring at it

The Wedding of St George and Princess Sabra 1857 by Dante Gabriel Rossetti 1828-1882

i will marry you if only to get my arm back
can you give me my arm back now please
and also stop kissing me on the bridge of my nose
which is like how no one has ever kissed anyone ever

Aurora Leigh's Dismissal of Romney ('The Tryst') 1860 by Arthur Hughes 1832-1915

look
i’m just going to be honest with you
no

proposal9

hey thanks for all the kissing but you should know
you’re stepping on all the corn
and kind of ruining it
so im gonna have to ask you to leave
come on
forget the corn
run away with me
lets get married
ok that’s sweet but see
the difference between you and the corn
is that i’m still going to need this corn during the winter

proposal10

this ring is
not nearly big enough to make up for your face

proposal15

what
no
im totally listening
this is my listening guitar
im playing my listening song

proposal19

can you fucking believe this guy

Stages of Cruelty circa 1856 by Ford Madox Brown 1821-1893

what
no
babe i wasnt laughing at you
i was just thinking of something funny that happened to me earlier today
when this idiot asked me to marry him

Screen Shot 2014-11-06 at 1.01.13 PM

I SAID
BE WITH YOU
IN A MINUTE

proposal25

you had fucking better not be trying to propose to me with flowers 

proposal28

no
im good
you go ahead
i think ill just stay here
on this bridge
by myself

Screen Shot 2014-11-06 at 1.04.16 PM

babe i dont know what youre talking about
what guy
i dont even know who you mean
i always had this ring on
he’s nobody, baby

proposal30

sorry i look so sad
it’s just because
i’m so disappointed

proposal33

cant talk right now, weaving
cant marry anybody right now, weaving, sorry
just leave the flowers and jewelry on the floor

proposal37

no shes not here
idk where she is but its not here
its somewhere else
ok good luck bye!!
ill tell her you were looking for her good luck ok bye!!!
sorry this curtains really heavy so i have to close it now

proposal38

cheer up babes
i promise i’ll choose between you so soon
sooner if you stop scowling and put some smiles on those pretty faces of yours

The First Cloud 1887 by Sir William Quiller Orchardson 1832-1910

lol bye

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165 Comments

  1. gavinbyrnes +161

    “ahahaha what a chump though
    look at him staring at it”

    no matter what “it” is, this is basically how I imagine all women when they look at me or any other man.

  2. aravisthequeen +141

    THIS IS AMAZING.

    The woman in the second one is amazing. “Look I know you feel so strongly about this that you knocked the chess pieces all over the floor, but I see a maid coming in with sandwiches and tbqh that’s where my focus is right now.”

    How much of a doofus is that guy in the one with the two women on the sofa? They are clearly having an intimate discussion and he’s sitting there like a damn puppy. “Oh!! Me too!!! You guys are going to retire to the bedroom??? Me too, right??? Right??? Can I come with you on your walk later??? To the secluded gazebo? Huh?? Huh???”

  3. perianwen +35

    Brilliant as always, Mallory.

    But I will say I am in love with some of the clothing the gentlemen are sporting, quite specifically the man waiting at the end of the bridge.

  4. literarysara +53

    and also stop kissing me on the bridge of my nose
    which is like how no one has ever kissed anyone ever

    Okay I have already complained about In a World… a few open threads ago but I will say that the one scene that made literally lol is when that guy from The State kisses Lake Bell deeply on the nose. Like he has her whole nose in his mouth.
    Then he pulls back and looks all doe-eyed and leans in again and… does it again. Right on the nose. Amazing.

    I mean if you don’t think that’s romantic then I don’t know what.

    1. Harmony +8

      Nose Bridge Kisser also looks like his head has been impaled by a embellished (with BELLS, GET IT OMG) spear, so maybe his lack of etiquette is understandable.

    2. whizzdumb +14

      Will you sum up your complaints about that movie? I missed that thread. Over all, I liked it. I mean, it’s obviously portraying men in a more realistic light. The end though. Is it supposed to make the dad seem like an idiot to think that dedicating his dumb award to his daughters would make up for any of his horrible dadding? Yeah it’s a comedy but that wasn’t funny. My netflix/internet went out right at that part before he started the speech and I’d like to think that my modem was just angry at what unfunny crap was about to happen. oh and Ken Marino is the “I’m gonna dip my balls in it” State dude.

      1. literarysara +9

        Happily! It is not a movie that likes its female characters much, which took me utterly by surprise. One could argue that it doesn’t like any of its characters much, but all the women except Lake Bell and her sister are portrayed as dumb, shrill, and/or mean. And there is some seriously shifty, boundary-violating behavior that somehow brings characters closer together. It was so disappointing.

        1. whizzdumb +3

          In this case I would ague that every character is intentionally portrayed as dumb and mean, poking fun at the voice over industry. I understand your reaction, nonetheless.

      2. marzipanda +30

        I enjoyed the movie overall, but the part that I loved was when the dad is freaking out in the janitor closet after his daughter gets the voiceover. he completely couldn’t comprehend a world in which he doesn’t automatically get what he wants. When watching that scene I thought, “this is how I imagine the patriarchy as it recognizes that it is crumbling” and it brings a smile to my face

    1. Grushenka +11

      i needed when of those when i still taught grade 2.

      Yes, yes, i’m listening to you tell me exactly what happens in Frozen for the 16th time this week. i’m listening so much that i need my listening guitar to listen more.

  6. archivesjulia +176

    From now on, any time I see a friend post engagement pictures on Facebook I’m just going to paste this link into their post’s comments.

  8. tubatoothpaste +73

    I love the woman who’s hiding (3rd from the bottom). The look on her face is all “yesss it’s totally working!”

  9. logicbutton +178

    “Wow she’s totally having a great time talking to me! Good thing I read that guide to female body language yesterday! Might as well go ahead and propose.”

  10. kilks401 +64

    “is this man seriously wearing red tights while he proposes at me” ahahahaaha Though those red tights are pretty great and might be next year’s Halloween costume. The look on my gf’s face would be priceless, to match any of these women.

    2. queenofbithynia +54

      they match his sleeves and the other fellow’s hat! AND the floor! I could not reject the proposal of a man who planned his colors out so carefully and neither should anyone else

      1. leslieellenjones +16

        “I already had to steal your hat; am I going to have to confiscate the tights as well? Aren’t we supposed to wait until AFTER the wedding for that?”

      2. MilesofMountain +45

        And the chicken’s face! A man who dresses to match my decorating and my pets is a man who understands his worth as an occasionally useful decorative object and will be considered for marriage.

  11. StillT +13

    I think it’s mostly the ruffly shirt and body positioning, but I can’t stop seeing #5 as Joseph Ducreux (aka 1800s White Guy Meme).

    1. hussified +15

      I think in my case it was, “Jesus, will you just let me TAKE the PICTURE?”

      (We still laugh about how freaking annoyed – and thus, unprepared – I was.)

  13. zizzivivizz +30

    The pants of the men in the next to last picture come all the way up to the girl’s boobs, and now that’s all I can look at.

  14. Rillquiet +15

    “Can you fucking believe this guy”
    girl
    I called it girl
    I called it
    I had a pumpkin right at my feet
    waiting for him
    hahahahaha
    sucker

  15. hugpunch +201

    The men in so many of these paintings look like androgynous women and it’s making me feel pretty good about things.

    1. logicbutton +78

      “I’ll just scroll through the comments real quick,” I said. “I’ll get to the bottom and go right back to my nice productive afternoon,” I said.

          4. hussified +10

            I had to come back and edit my initial comment, because this really needs no words. I am in awe.

          6. DishKit +31

            this is Erika Linder, a Swedish model scientifically determined to be the most attractive person in the world.

        1. deleted1892326 +72

          Never have I wanted a commercial to be a full-length feature-film so badly in my life.

          1. shahea +25

            That is really effective, because I now want that to be a movie AND I want one of those watches.

    3. LeslieMonster +23

      this has been a pretty shitty last 30 minutes, but that gif fixed it about as much as anything could right now.

  16. queenofbithynia +115

    aaah god those terrible vast wide flat expanses of pant-fronts regency gentlemen had, I can’t look at them, it is like they are threatening you at all times with the possibility of their getting an erection and how embarrassed you would all become for one another. those two scowlers in the picture one from the end, how can they walk around like that with waists that high, gentlemen, for shame. nobody’s going to marry you in those pantaloons.

    1. aravisthequeen +40

      I always thought that the answer to that was that they just wore their pants truly obscenely tight. And that would…I don’t know…prevent any mishaps from coming up, if you will? Like, their pants were so strong they’d just beat it back down.

      I don’t know.

      1. queenofbithynia +31

        If I were sent back in time or even just sent back into an old-timey novel like in Lost in Austen I would spend so much of my time staring at men’s pantaloon-fronts and laughing that I might as well commit myself to an asylum instantly I arrived there and save them the trouble. I owe an apology to Men of history. although they owe me one for the pantaloons as well.

        found a blog one time that explains how such a gentleman unbuttons his pants (there’s a flap that fastens at the corner, he unflaps the flap) but they were too decorous to mention what went on underneath. heaven knows.

    2. redrobin5 +33

      Au contraire, I was just thinking ‘hmm I like those handsome Recency dandyboys’. But then I like guys who are 24 and look a bit like girls, so.

    3. EnchiladaTaco +34

      I read a terrifying amount of regency romances and the whole “god DAMN it these stupid coats don’t hid the embarassing stiffy I have and I’m STUCK here until it goes down” is a frequent problem.

      And apparently the ideal cut for men’s clothing was so tight, it took another person or two to get you into them. I guess you at least knew that the dude you were marrying had a cute ass or not.

      1. queenofbithynia +27

        yes I may have read a few of those as well but the ones I have read are more than happy to forsake historical accuracy when cocks are involved so I never know what to believe. I guess it is nice if I think of the fashion as a humane way to mitigate the enforced innocence of young girls of the time; you might go to your wedding night wholly inexperienced but at least you would not be ignorant of how a man is made. even if you wanted to be. gosh those pants.

        1. redrobin5 +21

          I am going to tell my boyfriend he has a historically inaccurate cock and see what he does. Thanks for the line!

  17. Girl Named Jack +15

    I got a “Women in Western Art History”-themed Toast Post this last week and it was WONDERFUL.

  18. AlisonB +65

    so so good.
    I laughed so raucously at the “omg Tess you did it” one that my mother said “what a funny laugh” and then leaned over and is now hooked too. Result!
    Also loved the woman hiding while her friend dealt with a ‘heavy curtain’…I feel like we’ve all been there, haven’t we?

  20. winterbymorning +186

    the difference between you and the corn
    is that i’m still going to need this corn during the winter

    DEVASTATING

  22. grandma_nancy +15

    the woman in “can you fucking believe this guy” looks just like the nice stepsister from “Ever After”

  23. fireblargg +172

    “while he proposes at me” is a wonderful construction. Amazing how changing the preposition injects so much disdain into the sentence. It’s the little things like that that make Mallory such an incredible writer and humorist.

  24. queenofbithynia +88

    that woman pickpocketing uglyface knows how to take a proposal, boy. just smile and nod “yes” while stealing his purse

    so simple but lots of us don’t have anyone to tell us that when we’re young so it’s good there’s didactic art in the world

    1. mighty slow loris +27

      YES I am glad other people noticed this, too
      SHE IS TOTES STEALING HIS GOLD and looking fairly pleased about it

      “Oh do continue, lol” *pockets everything* “WELP look at the time. You’re too kind. Ta!” *runs away, buys island fortress, laughs forever*

  25. knittingBAMF +26

    IT’S LIKE CHRISTMAS. THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE FOREVER*

    *Until Mallory outdoes herself, so next week.

  26. deleted9827545 +68

    “(NOW WE’RE ALL LESBIANS AND) EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE” – assuredly not, though, right?!?

    2. CaroWR +22

      I think it might only be terrible in this specific instance because the two grown women look consumptive as hell. Which probably would’ve have happened even if everyone wasn’t all lesbians now, but it’s not gonna end well.

    1. sorrycassandra +11

      I know what you mean, but I’ve gone and married a Richard, and he’s a thoughtful, funny, adorably geeky feminist ally who cooks like an angel and croons appreciatively at small furry pet animals

  28. ginthirty +40

    I was an art history major back in the undergrad days and I’m 100% 50/50 that I’ve learned more from this series than in four years of rambling lectures.

  29. katenepveu +74

    this ring is
    not nearly big enough to make up for your face

    –she’s PICKPOCKETING him. Amazing.

    (Can we maybe get numbers for them, next time?)

  30. scullymurphy +30

    I want the second to last one to be the cover of my upcoming Regency Romance about a puckish heroine who flirts with an earnest earl and a dashing dandy, but ultimately chooses the sexy rake.

    3. clew +3

      I’ve seen it as a Regency cover! One of the recent reprints of all the Heyers, I think.

      NO reason not to reuse it.

      1. Fio +6

        I’ve seen it on a Heyer, AND on a smaller press printing of a book where two dudes were in love, and one of them got married, and it turned into a threesome.

  31. Frumiosa +12

    For some reason all of the comments are appearing as italicized, which somehow makes this extra wonderful.

  32. KayTay +157

    “well you’re too late, Richard
    I’m a lesbian now”

    I can only read this in Emily Gilmore’s voice.

        1. elesmi +8

          That would have been AMAZING. Would it have been one of the D.A.R ladies? Or some dashing young thing she could banter with?

    6. Unreadaethel +44

      “Honestly Richard, you were away for ages. I don’t know what you expected to happen.”

  33. jennycieplak +46

    These were all hilarious but “I’m just going to be honest with you, no” is amazing.

    1. PomoFrannyGlass +11

      would literally give anything to go back in time and say that, instead of “of course!” while thinking “um, but….”

  34. ladyimogen +34

    I love the SALVE written on the floor in the heavy curtain one!
    “Oh no, sorry, sorry for the confusion but
    you’re standing on the part that says PUELLAE
    it’s SALVE PUELLAE
    so you’ll have to go now
    bye.”

  39. Hunter +11

    That was my first reaction too. Like I was unaware that one could “bury the lede” in a painting. I think it’s a message/warning: Like courtship leads to children and this is what those horrid things decide to do like always.

  40. whizzdumb +24

    Was already considering, but that settles it: I’m making our entire baseball team wear red baseball pants next year just to make us all look ridiculous and un-marriageable. Unengageable? that’s not a word.

  41. typewriterandgramophone +49

    I now want all dying 19th-century consumptive fictional women retconned into nonplussed lesbians.

    “Sorry, Alfredo, but Annina and Flora and I are starting our own collective in Provence.”

    (I am using the old-fashioned meaning of nonplussed, as in “perplexed that you’re still here, dude.”)

      1. typewriterandgramophone +7

        I recently learned that some people are using it to mean “unfazed.” I’m fond of unfazed lesbians as well, of course!

  42. eythink +13

    Totally makes sense that Gabe From The Office is getting rejected in not one, but two of these paintings.

  44. cleo +13

    I knew I’d seen the 2nd to last one before – it’s used on the cover of Phyllida and the Brotherhood of Philander, one of the crazier romances that I’ve read (and that’s saying something). Bi, poly Regency romance with more WTFry than I could possibly summarize here.
    http://www.amazon.com/Phyllida-Brotherhood-Philan…

  45. Scarlet_Flight +8

    I feel like the second one describes my Halloween experience perfectly. Um…I’m just here for the pumpkin ale, thx.

  46. LeastBittern +20

    In the twelfth one, she has a hand in his purse: you might think it’s to subtly indicated that she’s marrying him for his money, but a closer reading will reveal she’s weighting her hand to sucker punch that fucker.

  48. helvetica547 +28

    oh wow
    flowers
    the kind you get from the dirt, for free
    how thoughtful

    This is exactly how I feel about the concept of romantic wildflowers.

  49. K.D. +15

    I’m going to retcon Mr Green Pants with Ms Wheat into a lesbian living secretly as a man, because damn if she isn’t prettier than me

  50. Suecris +6

    I have only been reading this site for a few weeks, and I really love the art history posts. I feel like an enormous dork asking this, but would it be extremely difficult to add the artist, year and title to these? I would really like that. If there’s a way for me to find this info on my own (like searching for Google images) I’m to gormless to tackle it. Thank you.

  52. Spectacle +3

    The first one looks like the two women are thinking “It’s so romantic, It reminds me of when I was a young girl” and “Jesus Christ, he’s actually doing it, right in front of everyone, even after I told him. Can I tell him to get lost with everyone making a scene?

  54. msk +13

    This might be the best one yet, though how could one choose? I think I’m doing serious damage to my internal organs to keep from laughing uproariously at work.

    “the difference between you and the corn
    is that i’m still going to need this corn during the winter”

    Dying.

    1. malloryelis +10

      because it takes me a lot of extra time and all of the artists have been dead for at least 150 years; you can reverse google image search any image you like though and the artist/year will pop right up!

  60. m. core +4

    The seventh picture, the one with the wheat, looked like a lesbian couple to me at first glance. Probably not really, but I like super femme looking dudes in old timey art, so that’s cool too.

  62. annaisabe +6

    “look
    i’m just going to be honest with you
    no”

    Dude! I think that’s the picture from Aurora Leigh by Elizabeth Barrett Browning! And yeah, that’s totally just about what happened (and in true Victorian fashion, Aurora Leigh doesn’t marry him (her cousin — of course — Romney) until she’s awesomely successful and he’s blind and humbled at her feet.

    Also, lady at the end totally has the right idea and the best I GOT MINE face.

  64. caitrinm +2

    Mallory, how sweet and right and timeless of you to give voice to these canvassed babes of old.

  65. Kitfrombarbados +5

    I am so disappointed. Had you paid any proper attention to The Witch of Blackbird Pond, you would understand that the corn guy was NOT proposing. He was at a husking bee, had found a red ear, and was claiming his forfeit. Sheesh. Am I the only person who thought this site would display a deeper understanding of Puritan courtship rituals as depicted in classic young adult fiction?

  68. Sho +1

    Nonono, but the guy giving the girl the ring and her hand’s on his… how do you call that, a bag? xD! well, anyways, she’s totally stealing from him, lololol

  69. sflying +1

    YOU LEFT NOW WE’RE ALL LESBIANS AND EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE…. you mean everything is great, right??

  71. Extraordinary Girl

    My favorite is the "cant marry anybody right now, weaving, sorry", because I'm pretty sure that's Penelope from the Odyssey, in which case that is /exactly/ what's happening.