Feel free to ask Aunt Acid a variety of questions at [email protected] at any time. Previous installments can be found here.
Dear Aunt Acid,
Holidays are the worst and they’ve only just started. I’m a grown woman—in my 30s with a great job and my own apartment—but my parents refuse to treat me like an adult. They make plans and then expect me to fit myself into them. They don’t ask what would be good for me or make accommodations. When I set boundaries and say, for example, that if the aunt who makes me uncomfortable is going to be there, I’m not interested in coming for dinner, they get offended and upset. It’s a ginormous headache. My little sister, by the way, gets off a lot easier: they expect less of her and are consistently less disappointed, no matter what. That may be in part because she’s married and in part because she lives far away, but I feel like the dynamic has been like this forever. Basically I’m fighting them all time. It’s exhausting. Family is important to me and I don’t want to cut them off. How do I take care of my needs and also not go crazy before this season is over?
Sincerely,
Blood is Thicker Than …
Dear Bloody,
There is nothing you can do about your crazy family. There is nothing any of us can do about our crazy families. Isn’t that the worst?
Let’s keep getting the bad news out of the way. There is nothing you can do about your crazy family dynamics, either. If your parents are accustomed to seeing you and your sister as children, no amount of growing up, living alone, working responsibly, accumulating degrees, or paying taxes will make a difference. In treating you and your little sister as extensions of themselves, and particularly in expecting more from you while letting your sister off easy, they are acting out of a mix of emotion and habit. Together those form a surface as impermeable as cement. You may as well go pound at the wall, or scream at the sidewalk.
In fact, maybe try doing that for a while. It might be cathartic.
It sounds like you are pursuing the only course of action open to you: figuring out what boundaries you need to set and setting them in whatever materials are available. (Sounds like stone.) Sure, it upsets your parents. Boundaries upset people by definition: how do you think all this madness started in the Middle East? If you didn’t want them to be upset, you would accede to their demands and show up when they expect you to, Mean Aunt or no.
Instead you are saying “here is where you end and I begin,” and no parent actually wants to hear that, unless that parent has the grace of ten Buddhist monks blended with the insight and patience of Anna Deavere Smith. The point of the whole parenting endeavor is to raise children into self-aware, independent adults who don’t need us anymore but who hopefully still want to have brunch and ask us our opinions once in a while. Fuck if we ever really want to hit that finish line, though. I just met a mother whose four-month-old has already gotten so self-sustaining that she, the mom, is daydreaming about starting from scratch with #2. Granted, that’s an extreme case, but one hundred million years of evolution have acted as one hell of a meth lab, and the motherhood chemicals they have produced are intended to make us do crazy things.
So yeah, your parents cannot and will not change. They can, however, if offered the right incentive, adapt.
Here is the secret: Banish the word No from your vocabulary. Am I telling you to be a pushover? Heaven forbid. I am suggesting that you channel, instead, the sage advice of improv comedians everywhere and Say Yes. “Yes and!” “Yes but!” “Yes if!” All of those options are acceptable. Anything but No. People hate hearing the word No. It makes them growl and pout and vote Republican. No is how every fight begins. Short-circuit the fight; make the fight unnecessary.
For example:
THEM: “Child, we are planning a celebration of holiday at this time and this place. We would like you to attend.”
YOU: “Thank you! I would like to see you over the holidays. Since you know Uncle X and I have a hard time when we get together, when else could we make that happen? Could we try [this other thing that is more pleasant to me]?”
In your case, the more global problem is, perhaps, that your parents don’t know you very well as an adult. Maybe they don’t know how to get to know you as an adult. It might help to break this loop of squabbling and resentment and No if you offered them a way in.
On a less fraught occasion than the holidays, when the stakes are nice and low, extend them an invitation to do something with you on your terms. Ask if they want to go pumpkin picking, or volunteering at a dog shelter, or to see one of those Oscar-bait movies that are appropriate for Millennials and Boomers alike. Give them a chance to say yes to you. Give all of you the chance to say Yes. It’s been a long time that you’ve been trapped in this loop of No, and it’s a hard loop to break out of, but the pleasure of getting to say and hear Yes is worth the effort.
In short:
STRIVE TO forgive your parents for being flawed. I know, impossible, blah, I may as well advise you to take up alchemy. But life deals everyone some cardinal unfairnesses and maybe this is yours, that your parents are not the intuitive, empathetic, Carolyn Hax readers you would like them to be. Lots of people who feel disappointed in the parents meted out to them seek surrogates: mentors, other relatives, older friends. That can help to take the pressure off of these two imperfect individuals.
SETTLE FOR accepting that they are not going to change. Purely because of personality, you and they might always be more like Lorelei and Emily than like Lorelei and Rory. Still, you can figure out how to help all of you meet in the middle of the glorious field of Yes — even if temporarily and over something as seemingly insignificant as appreciation for Denzel Washington. Help your parents see that you are trying, that you are being positive and proactive and kind. Odds are it will make them more likely to try too.
Good luck.
Love,
Aunt Acid
Illustrator: Liana Finck’s work has appeared in The New Yorker, Lilith, Tablet, and The Forward. Her first graphic novel is called A Bintel Brief. Her webcomic, Diary of a Shadow, can be read on her website. She apologizes to Norman Rockwell for her fair-use parody of his charming family tableau.
I just realized the title of this column is supposed to be a pun because I pronounce Aunt the other way.
I just realized the title of this column is supposed to be a pun because I read your comment.
Huh. Here I was, assuming it was like “she gives good advice, in an older wise-but-cool used-to-be-a-hippie way, like probably she’s done acid.” Um. The pun makes more sense.
I thought it was referring to her acid temperament, or something, even though no such thing is in evidence.
ooooooOOOOOOOoooooh……..I get it. ::tilts head sideways, eyes widen, light dawns::
Yeah, I was reading it as Ahhhnt Acid. I was confusing it with Jezebel’s ask a bride on acid column too, so I was confused at the sanity in the advice.
I just realized that this was a pun because of both of you, even though I say Aunt like “ant”. And weirdly, that the primary reason I missed the pun is that I was reading it as “Aunty Acid”, which is not a pun. Weirder, because I don’t actually call anyone “Aunty” and never had. I need to lie down.
Yeah I think we’re all just about done for the day.
You wish we were done.
In my family’s part of the Deep South, uncles are married to aunts, pronounced like the insect ant. However, when capitalized and followed by a first name, such as Aunt Anne, it’s pronounced like the informal contraction ain’t. So, I have many [ants] and uncles, but I wish I looked more like [Ain’t] Anne.
So the title, in my addled head, is Ain’t Acid. Not gonna hurt nobody, though battery acid might.
Not done yet! I have always grown up pronouncing “aunt” as “aaaaaant” with one of those broad Midwest US vowels, followed by a first name or not, except in one instance: my mother’s Aunt Ernestine* (notoriously cranky, prissy, and difficult to please) was always ONT Ernestine, impeccably enunciated.
*Name changed to protect the guilty, viz. Aunt E.
In my family, it’s (sort of) the reverse – aunts in the general sense are “awnts,” but I have an Ant Kathy and an Ant Lisa. (My family’s from Michigan and we’re all Dutch-English.) (Except me, I’m adopted, I’m a mutt :))
This is extremely good advice about boundaries generally, not just at the holidays. Fizzy all the way down.
This is a straight maybe inappropriate brag, but:
The best time I ever established boundaries was when no-one checked what country I was in before planning something [horrible] on my birthday, invited me the day before, and I was able to decline by saying “I am so sorry, but I’ll be in Paris. Have fun!”
Where possible, plane tickets and previous engagements.
My parents live a decent plane journey away. They steadfastly refuse to come visit me, because it’s cold here, and flying is such a hassle. This means that I get to bundle myself on a plane for their convenience ,my inconvenience.
Luckily? We only do Christmas as a unit,as they prefer to spend turkey day and New Years on cruises. MAybe if they could come here on a catered boat,I could make a yes.
I love this advice. Add-on question for the socially-savvy commenters here: What if the consequence of “No” is not pouting and anger, but a sort of insistent doubling-down on niceness so that you are inevitably the jerk who is turning down a very generous, reasonable favor from someone who only wants to help. (This is not true, they actually want to spend time alone with their granddaughter without her pesky parents around, like, ever… umm oops got a little specific there.)
Just keep smiling and saying no, and refusing to engage in the behind the scenes manipulation. It’s ok if you have to be the jerk!
Also, try to remember in the moment that you are probably not the only person they use this tactic on, so pretty soon they will have moved on to a new “jerk” and you’ll be old news.
Definitely okay to be a “jerk” (which you totally are not, btw!). They are being jerks for continuing to push after someone has asserted a boundary.
“Yes, as I said, it’s very kind of you to make such an offer. It *is* such a shame that it just won’t work out. Did you say you’d be able to make it to my [counter-offer]?”
Repeat
Repeat
Really it’s about your own feelings. Are you confident that you are doing the right thing for yourself and your household? When you are confident, out-of-bounds responses from others will bother you less.
This is very true. I feel quite confident in setting the boundaries, but end up absolutely exhausted after even a 3-day visit because I am constantly fending off “nice” offers. I am not exaggerating in saying this person offers to babysit while I get out of the house at least a dozen times in an hour. If I do say yes (which I want to occasionally do – not trying to drive a wedge in the grandparental relationship here), the offers start up again almost instantly when I return home.
Sooo I guess the answer here is: Drink heavily and possibly move to New Zealand.
When the “nice” offers become pushy or otherwise obnoxious, it’s time to answer with questions.
“What did I say the first time you asked me that?”
“Why would you offer that when I made my plans clear?”
“What is your purpose with that offer?”
“Please stop. You’re making me uncomfortable.”
Still exhausting, I know. But it might feel better to put more of the burden on the perpetrators.
And yes, moving to New Zealand does sound like a good plan. May I visit?
I think that RoseCamelia’s is probably the better option, since you might actually get a slight nudge in behavior out of it.
But it’s also something that might be addressable with aggressive scheduling: “Thanks for your offer to look after BabyWitch. It’d actually be really helpful for you to do that tomorrow, while the partner and I do (x). But not right now, since we are doing (y).” Then, make sure you have something else firmly lined up for right after (x).
In other words, if this is clearly grandparent’s favorite part of the visit, make it clear before the visit both when they get this time, and for how long. Maaaaybe you’ll get less pestering on Saturday afternoon if they have Sunday morning to look forward to?
Can you out-nice them? When they want you out of the house so they can spend time with their granddaughter I’d be tempted to pull some variation of “Thank you for the offer but luckily I don’t have any errands to run at the moment so I can enjoy spending more time with you and daughter together as a family.”
Aw, man, the Smile/Nice Smackdown Tournament. My maternal line is filled with masters of that game.
“Oh my goodness _thank you_ I couldn’t possibly take advantage of you that way.”
“Why how NICE I surely do wish that would work out for me.”
“You can’t know how much that means to me, if only, if only.”
All of this advice is great. Also, when possible, PREEMPT your parents. You know they’re going to invite you home for the holidays. Tell them the vacation days you have already requested for that purpose. Plan a Thanksgiving with friends and tell your parents that BEFORE they invite you to Thanksgiving dinner with your aunt.
If you reeeeaaalllllly want to preempt your parents plan something at your place and then invite them. Bonus points if you get your siblings on board first. “Hey parents, I’d really like to host this year for a change of pace. Siblings are on board. Dinner will be on this date at this time, hope to see you there.”
I love preempting. “I’ll be in town from x to y, and I was thinking we could have dinner on a or b night. Excited to see you guys!” (subtext: no, I’m not staying with you; no, I’m not structuring my plans around yours; no, you burned those bridges, not me)
That’s what I did when I was in my hometown for Best Friend’s baby shower – I informed my mother which night I would be staying with her and which nights I would be staying with my best friend. She tried pushing back, but holding firm was so, so satisfying on a moral level, plus getting to do what I want (as a 28-year-old) is always super great too.
The above is very good advice. I would not necessarily recommend the following course of action, but I will say that it worked for me, in that my relations are much more respectful of my (100% non-negotiable) boundaries now: say no to everything, and do it for a long time (a year or more, depending on how frequently you see your family.)
But I would try the above, first. That sort of thing didn’t really work with my family (boundaries? what are those?) but all families are unhappy in their own way, etc.
Also, on a practical note: if it’s at all financially possible for you, stay in a hotel. Do not stay in your family’s home, and do not rely on them for transportation.
This is really good advice too. I went through this with my mom about 8 years ago and deployed the same methods as you. It was painful and there was a rocky year in there with lots of blow-ups and drama, but it worked. After that year she started relating to me as an adult with my own life and priorities rather than a child who would form my life/schedule/plans around hers.
I think in my situation, as in yours, anything less than drawing a hard & bright line would have failed and dragged the situation on far longer.
If you need a backup strategy for family members who still won’t respect your boundaries, there’s nothing better than having your own place to stay and way of getting there. Whether it’s a hotel room and a rental car or a friend’s house with good public transit, there is no feeling more glorious than knowing you can easily GTFO whenever you want, without asking anyone for a ride.
Your parents might balk at first because it seems less like ~family together time~ but in my experience it makes me much more willing and able to go to certain family events and not fight with anyone, so it’s really a win-win. But mostly you win.
I have to jump in and third the idea of getting a hotel room and rental car. I struggle with this as the family member that comes in from out of town, but my brothers don’t spend the night at my parents’ house, so why should I? (My brothers live in the same town as my parents, which means they have their own space to retreat to.) It’s a bit of an added expense, and that kind of sucks, but it’s been worth my peace of mind to know I can leave at any time if I need to (or even want to!).
Love this! Though, I’d say the same advice can be applied to the use of “no,” which I think should still be a part of your vocabulary. If “Yes and!” doesn’t work try “No but!” Also, maybe try talking to them about fitting you into planning, instead of making plans without you and then expecting you to fit in. Pointing out that you would have been able to do something if they had contacted you earlier or asked you about your plans might help.
My mother used to be terrible about making plans and just assuming I’d show up. Barring the obvious times (like on an actual holiday where I can have assumed there would be family things), I started politely declining when she did this and I had other plans/it was inconvenient for me to attend, and would explain that if she wants me to be somewhere she needs to ask me beforehand about what date(s) I’m available. After a few times where I missed family outings, she learned, and now checks with me beforehand.
Hi Aunt / Toasties! #RealTalkAdviceRequest:
I received an unsolicited gift that was extraordinarily expensive and I really really really just want practical things for my new home. NOTABLY the practical things I specifically said I wanted in lieu of extraordinarily expensive unsolicited gift. I have broached exchanging the item for something I truly need, and [family member] has stopped speaking to me. Since feelings are already hurt, should I just exchange it anyway? Or keep this big expensive thing I may never use in my home as a “im sorry?” Im 75% just go ahead and do what you want the emotional wrath has already been summoned.
Thoughts?
Oh dear. This has happened to me with my mother-in-law, although I’ve never broached returning the item. Do you know what the motivations of giving you this thing were? I find that, because my MIL just wants to show off, I simply consign the items and make little white lies if she asks where they went: “Oh the beautiful X? My girlfriend threw a shower and is using it”. If this thing you got was given out of genuine love and respect for you as the person you are, is there a chance you can appreciate it for what it is and find a use for it? Can you ask another family member about why they gave this to you?
Gosh, I hate things! Why are we, as a whole, so obsessed with stuff and objects and why to we invest so much meaning in them?!
You are reminding me of the time that a very senior (male) exec of the company I work for bought another very senior (female) exec an absurdly expensive Christmas present. He’s very wealthy and the execs commonly bought show-off gifts for each other at the holidays so that wasn’t the odd part. It was that the gift he chose was a seal fur throw, and she is an animal rights activist and member of PETA (which he didn’t seem aware of).
She returned it and used the proceeds to donate to PETA, and then thanked him profusely for giving her the opportunity to make such a symbolic and impactful gift. You could take a similar approach, I think the effusive praise is key.
This is the sort of thing that makes me grateful for my family. My family always emphasized that X was a gift for me and thus I should be pleased with it. If not, I could return it and get something that would please me.
My in-laws are the opposite of my family. What I actually would like doesn’t enter into the equation it is what they would like to give me. And since it is a gift I would be violating somehow all the thought gone into said gift by returning it. There was a really uncomfortable incident with a gold necklace that my mother in law bought me despite being told on repeated occasions by my husband and myself that I do not wear gold, I wear silver. A year after I received it and she noticed I never wore it, she offered to take it back. Really unpleasant.
All that said, go ahead and exchange it. Damage is done. Maybe she’ll eventually realize that what you exchange it for is more useful for you. Since she knows you might exchange when you see her next you might offer an apology/thank you about how you were so sorry the X didn’t work out and you hope she doesn’t mind that you exchanged it for Y which you use every day and think of her affectionately when you do. Might help her to feel you weren’t ungrateful for the gift just that you wanted to make sure the gifts you receive won’t just collect dust.
exactly! It will either gather dust in the sad cave-closet or be magically transformed into beautiful stemware that will be lovingly used. I think the part that really got me was that when asked I specifically requested the more practical (and worlds cheaper!!) items! And it was a NO here’s this thing; your preferences are invalid.
Echoing what everyone has pretty much already said – just exchange it for what you really need. In a couple months, once the initial hurt has (hopefully) worn off, you could send her a very nice email inviting her over to your new home so you can cook her a lovely meal with the Le Creuset and stemware that is now a beloved part of your everyday life. Or the drapes that you got in a color that reminds you of the dress she wore to your bat mitzvah. Or whatever.
YMMV, but this sort of maneuver generally works with my family.
As the third child and the third to get married and have children I would like to give a shout out thanks to my brother and sister for breaking in my parents to the idea that we are adults and might have our own plans. My brother had a hard few years trying to figure out which holidays were spent with our family and which were spent with his wife’s family. It is all settled now, luckily.
Maybe to get at the core tension the letter writer describes, she could consider laying aside the issue of current communication dynamics with her parents, and start by having an honest reckoning with her own conceptualizations about who she is, who she thinks her parents actually are (not who they tell her they are) and what her beliefs are w/r/t authority, loyalty, obedience, honesty, fidelity to self, etc.
Spending some time honestly reflecting what you know about yourself and what you’re afraid to know about yourself that might conflict with what the family believes about itself will help get you to a place of supporting yourself and your truth from within. At that point what to communicate with others becomes crystal clear and doesn’t create the inner tension between the supporting the self’s needs at the “expense” of the family’s needs.
You guys, I just want to brag for a sec about how one of my mom’s greatest fears is turning into her dad, who still treats her like a kid even though she has adult kids of her own, so she treats both me and my brother like grownups and it’s so great. (my dad & stepmom are a whole ‘nother story, in which I use the preemption strategy to great effect).
Samesies! My Grandma is such a traditional Nagging Jewish Mom that my parents have worked so hard my whole life to be The Opposite Of That. They’re extremely accommodating of our schedules and make a big show of thanking us when we make family time. Thanks, nagging Grandma!
Oh my mum is the same! She’s so respectful of my autonomy, and it ends up working great for her, because now my brother and I both live a few blocks from her and are always visiting and helping her in the garden and inviting her to yoga and to play tennis. Respect works! Who knew?
It’s almost as if treating each other as autonomous human beings allows us to spend time together without the stress that comes from constantly navigating an emotional minefield! WHO KNEW.
emotional minefield may be just what i call my family from now on
It took months of group therapy, but by god my parents and I got to this place and it is a constant relief.
Oh, god, I just dealt with my mother having an adult hissy fit over this nonsense. Wanting me to make plans for my birthday 6 weeks in advance, for her convenience. When, two weeks out, I still hadn’t finished coordinating social events with 4 different groups of people (family, friends, the beau, the beau’s family), she guit-trip texted that I should just keep her dresser (it was a loan I’d planned to take back in the next month) and sell it. Maybe I could get myself something nice, since I couldn’t be bothered to spend time with her. I chose not to respond. A week later I got an ‘apology’ email that was the same guilt-trip, differently worded. I chose not to respond. She texted me happy bday yesterday. I thanked her. Sometimes, not responding to inappropriate behavior is the best recourse.
I’m already dreading the holidays. While I’d rather just spend the time with the beau, she only has my brother and myself, so I feel bad excluding her for the holidays. Then again, she did seriously screw up.
Cosigning the cold shoulder in response to bad behavior. This year my mom chose to send me a passive-aggressive text message about my wedding pictures, which she did not pay for, at 8 AM, with no “good morning” or anything before it–on my birthday. I ignored her until she sent me a birthday greeting.
That being said, I’m reading all the above advice and comments wondering if my family is particularly awful or if it’s just me, because I am all about the NO. Mom finally decided to get her act together and schedule that horrible holiday dinner with her family? I have plans. I’m not coming. Sorry not sorry, since there wouldn’t have anything I can eat there anyway. I know I would have loved to experience a repeat of the “Of course there’s nothing you’re allergic to in that, oh wait there’s cheese in it, why are you being so melodramatic with the vomiting, why are you always so difficult” dinners or the Ruining My Engagement fiascos of the past. Are holidays really important? What if I just…didn’t go and spent my one and precious life with people who appreciate me?
Mine’s generally ok, but I do have to have firm boundaries that I’m willing to enforce. And adult conversations about those boundaries are on me to initiate and keep on track. It’s exhausting. On the other end of the spectrum, we spent time with the beau’s family to celebrate his dad’s bday (day after mine), and his parents and 4 aunts – that had never met me – all brought me presents. This stoic girl had a hard time not crying.
Omg, my in-laws are the sweeeeeetest people in the world, and I will always adopt them as my own family and appreciate their non-awfulness forever. But I may cry though.
OMG, I’m so embarrassed — I would have said I am good at this, have the appropriate adult relationship with my mother, etc., except just last weekend she invited people to my house and I was super annoyed, but took it! Man, that was dumb. I should have just said no. (Although, honestly, an excuse to give the place a good cleaning is possibly worthwhile.)
I think if said relative is already not speaking to you, return it. Then, depending on how negotiations reopen, you can start with either praise (“thanks so much for your generosity I got X, Y, and Z from the return and I really love them and think of you with affection every time I use them!”) or the (less morally justifiable) Tender Regret route (“after you got so angry, I just couldn’t look at it anymore without feeling sad. I’m just glad I was able to mitigate that a little by exchanging it for [useful objects]. To know that I was putting your generous gift to good use made me feel less sad.”)
My mother and I had a long conversation a couple years back about which holidays are "family" holidays (try your damndest to get home) and which are "friend" holidays (I'll be at friends' parents' house and I'll give ya a call!) … Thanksgiving is firmly in the friend-holiday column for me, whether she likes it or not.
Also helping: driving through the night during this past year's Valentine's Day blizzard, just to get home for her wedding. This has earned me all the brownie points I will probably ever need.
My family sounds a little like your in-laws, although in a sort of comic, half-hearted way. Case in point: my 19th birthday, still living at home, still paying parents back for my first car. I asked for an iPod, or for some money towards one. What I got was a car cover, because the car was an investment and it was parked in the sun all day. I literally never used it (because have you tried? I would have had to leave for work 15 minutes earlier than normal just to get it undone and folded away!) and it sat in the boot of my car for about two years before I got the casual-aside question: “Since you’re not using it, would you mind if [brother] used it instead?”
Guess who used that damn thing every day? And guess who had to wait another year for an iPod?
My family NEVER confronts things like this, so I have no good advice, except that it sounds like the family member in question is being (and was being to begin with) fairly unreasonable.
[This is a reply to latenac, of course, thanks IntenseDebate)
No advice to offer, since all attempts to manage my mother-in-law will somehow fail, because Something Is Our Fault. Gift exchanging is a minefield.
Actually – I do have advice. Turn your problem family member into a drinking game. Use water if necessary (personally, I’d be under the table otherwise). Whatever their verbal tics are, take a drink, make it a game. Doesn’t change any of the patterns, but it takes the edge off.
Fine