531 Comments

    1. tragicallyludicrous +11

      Now it’s two Thanksgivings I don’t get! And I have to go back to “paying attention to work,” bah.

  2. turanga_leela +20

    Happy Thanksgiving to all the Canadians!

    This weekend I read the fan fic “The Case of the Red Walls” and it is wonderfully fun. It is a Redwall story with an otter Sherlock and a John hedgehog. It is so good and everyone should go read it. You can find it here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/598381

    Anyone else have any good fan fic to share?

      1. turanga_leela +2

        I will check out the Frozen one. I have seen the movie enough times with the spawn. Thanks!

      1. turanga_leela +1

        Man, I have not listened to the Welcome to Nightvale shows but that sounds great. I love His Dark Materials!

  3. safvn +13

    Happy Thanksgiving, Canadians! What kinds of foods do y’all have at your Thanksgiving table?

    I baked two huge loaves of challah last night, so that’s the food that’s on my mind.

      1. safvn +7

        It is actually really easy to make if you have enough time! It takes a solid 2.5-3 hours so not really something I can ever do on a weeknight, but we had a nice rainy day yesterday that was perfect.

        1. samaraweiss +5

          3 hours and all the flour you have in your house, plus possibly more, if you make it the way my mother does, at least.

    2. aqueousmedium +5

      I made the apple caramel pie using the recipe that MilesofMountain so kindly provided, and no shit, hosts of angels burst into song as we ate it. Thanks, MilesofMountain!

    3. super_novice +9

      I am baking spaghetti squash with asiago and sharp cheddar and tomatoes and garlic to bring to my friendsgiving!

      But I think we mostly eat the same things as Americans on Thanksgiving. Turkey, brussels sprouts, squash, mashed potatoes. Lots of wine. One exception is that we do not eat green bean casseroles, which sound sort of disturbing to me.

      1. elsamac +6

        One exception is that we do not eat green bean casseroles, which sound sort of disturbing to me.

        I don’t thiiiiiink green bean casseroles are actually as widespread in U.S. Thanksgiving dinners as their reputation suggests. Other Toast readers, am I wrong about that?

        I’ve lived in Texas, several New England towns and cities, and Chicago, and only ever seen (or tasted) a Thanksgiving green bean casserole once, when my then-sister-in-law made it. (It was tasty. It did not taste like green beans. It tasted like 1950s Miracle Convenience Food, which is not a criticism.)

        1. rhymeswitheight +4

          I’ve never had green bean casserole at Thanksgiving either. (My Thanksgivings are made up of Marylanders, New Yorkers, Virginians, and West Virginians.)

        2. notebook-keeper +4

          I’ve never seen it in Boston/New York, where i’ve lived the past few years, but my family in the Midwest make it a lot (Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota).

        3. blueblazes11 +2

          I have lived and Thanksgivinged almost exclusively west of the Mighty Mississip’ for the past 30-odd years. And we always, ALWAYS have the green bean casserole. It is our token non-starch veggie.

        4. thequirkydiva +1

          Yep. My husband (the Canadian in the family) had never had green bean casserole before we met. Needless to say, I don’t make it for Canadian Thanksgiving. Other than that, everything is pretty much the same. We are also having lemon merengue pie because my daughter insisted on it, unseasonal though it is.

        5. safvn +2

          I have always had the green bean casserole. I don’t know how other people make it, but it’s never seemed that weird to me – like, if you hadn’t heard the word casserole, it would just be green beans and onions cooked together with some crunchy bits mixed on top. Maybe it’s the very healthy person who usually makes ours, but it usually just tastes like green beans except better.

          1. elsamac +6

            I should clarify: when my SIL made it, she followed Dorcas Reilly’s original 1955 recipe (called Green Bean Bake), using canned green beans, Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup, soy sauce, and canned fried onions. The recipe has been widely updated, even on Campbell’s website, but this press release (for just one example) describes the original canned-bean recipe Reilly designed to use products many customers would already have kicking around their cupboard: canned soup and canned beans.

            I think that’s responsible for the distinctively ’50s Science And Convenience! flavor profile, which (I again want to emphasize) was pretty tasty, if a little unfamiliar to me. My SIL was adamant that it required canned beans; fresh-cooked or frozen would not be the same. I have pretty strong nostalgic desires for Thanksgiving dishes myself, so I’m completely sympathetic with her determination. And this Chowhound thread, which asks if it would be okay to use fresh beans, shows that plenty of interested and accomplished cooks still question whether it’s desirable to sub in fresh for canned.

            Since I don’t have any nostalgic association with the dish, I’m sure I’d prefer a dish of freshly cooked beans with freshly fried onions, and its flavor profile would be very much like my normal cooking habits. But for some people, the canned-bean, canned-soup flavor is exactly what they remember and exactly what they want.

        6. Beakses +1

          Green bean casserole was not a fixture of my childhood thanksgivings, but I made the Smitten Kitchen version last year and it may now be a requirement at future thanksgivings, so apparently this is how traditions happen.

    4. grlgoddess +4

      Usual turkey stuff! Plus perogies and cabbage rolls. Though that’s mostly just my sister insisting, and me taking advantage of every perogy opportunity.

    5. Val +3

      I was invited out and had roasted turkey, grilled moose, mashed potatoes, red cabbage salad, stuffing, gravy and baby b. sprouts sautéed/steamed with Prosciutto and slivered almonds (my contribution). There were blueberry tarts for dessert, prosecco and red wine all during and a giant pallet fire and sparklers afterwards. Perfect…

    6. ballisticjaguar +4

      I am all by myself (things worked out better for me to visit my family a couple weeks ago rather than now) so I am attempting to make a thanksgiving-for-one! So far I have made: green beans with vinaigrette; sweet potato garlic mash; and sweet potato praline pie (I love me some sweet potatoes). I also bought myself a couple-a buns, and obviously made all these things except the pie in small proportions. I am currently roasting a cornish hen with lemon, rosemary, and garlic.

      It looks like I shall have some leftovers, but not an outrageous amount, and that hen is smelling delicious right now!

  4. ramina +18

    Happy Thanksgiving to all of our Canadian friends!

    I was at NYCC this weekend and had a really great time! My cosplay pictures, let me share them with you!

    <img src=”http://cdn1 ” target=”_blank”>-www.superherohype.com/assets/uploads/gallery/new-york-comic-con-2014-gallery-3/nycc2014day3photos0104.jpg”>
    Saturday! (left) C.A. Cupid from Monster High! My best friend and cosplay partner on the right is the Serenity. The ship from Firefly. Her whole butt lit up and there were electronics everywhere. It took her an hour to get in and out of the costume.


    Sunday! Dialga from Pokémon, gijinka style!

    I’m bummed I didn’t get to meet Bill Nye but I did get to meet Jonathan Frakes and he was lovely, so there’s always that.

        1. ramina +3

          We couldn’t go more than five paces without someone stopping her for a picture, and it was well deserved – but man was it hard to move around!

      1. ramina +3

        Thank you!! I would love to incorporate it into my day-to-day look but I don’t think my office is quite progressive enough for that 🙁

  5. wallofillusion +38

    *Two* whole pieces making fun of Columbus? How decadent! It makes up for having to be at work while the students have the day off.

    1. banjolene +50

      Some 4th graders told me on Friday that Columbus was a jerk and were pretty psyched when I explained that Seattle and Minneapolis were celebrating Indigenous People’s Day instead. They’re writing letters encouraging Atlanta to join the trend next year 🙂

  6. ToastiewithCheese +11

    Hello toasties!

    I have just come back from a lovely weekend in London visiting a friend. It was all tea and scones and trips to bookstores. The drawback is that I’m now sitting at work counting the minutes until I get to go home and read.

    One of the new books I already finished: Alison Bechdel’s Fun Home. And I loved loved loved it. Is the follow-up about her mother just as good? Because even if it’s, say, only 70% as good, I’m still going to buy that as soon as possible.

    2. ctrlaultdelete +4

      I think ARE YOU MY MOTHER? is good in a different way – I found it a lot more interesting to think about (because apparently I’m into feminist psychoanalysis) but less emotionally satisfying.

    3. jlal90 +4

      I liked it better, but I also read it before Fun Home so I’m probably biased. I have a theory that the first book you read by any author will inevitably be remembered more fondly because…it’s the FIRST! And it was good enough to make you want to read MORE! (Side note: This logic does not apply to exes.)

      Also, I just learned that an account I had to make for a class automatically logs in here, so I guess I will be commenting instead of lurking now. Woo.

    4. notebook-keeper +1

      I liked Fun Home way better – I think because Are You My Mother? is so psychoanalytic.

  7. wallofillusion +1

    Weird question: did you tweet the Dialga costume at Pokemon using their Halloween tag? I feel like I saw something similar among their Twitter gallery!

    Both costumes are fantastic!

    1. ramina +1

      I think I did! It wasn’t complete at the time, but I didn’t know they’d actually acknowledged it! Cool!!

  9. CaptainNancy +10

    Fallen London!

    I now have Toastie Acquaintances! So exciting! I have gone out to coffee a few times, I lost a chess match, and won a chess match, and sparred, and have loitered suspiciously.

    I am catching cats to increase my Shadowy so I can find out more about the Brazen Urchin’s parents. I love this game.

    1. dearrosencrantz +4

      Rosencrantz here, reporting for the Fallen London weekly thread.

      I’m currently stuck on part of an Ambition I finally undertook, because a: it’s difficult to get to Wolfstack Docks and b: I need to increase my Shadowy before I go back to the docks because I failed on this step several times already, arg.

      I am always looking for people to help with my Scandal and Suspicion because I am a scandalous and suspicious sort, I suppose. *flirts with devils*

      1. coloredlights +2

        Ugh I am stuck at the same part of the same Ambition. I haven’t even gotten to the docks at all, though. I’ve been trying to increase Shadowy but it takes forever via cat-catching, etc.

        I can usually help with Scandal and Suspicion! My problem is Nightmares. I’m Mezza Neun if you need to send inquiries!

    2. hotforchocolate +2

      I just started playing a few days ago and have somehow gotten myself stuck in some kind of nightmare state?

      I didn’t think it was the kind of game you could lose but I seem to have found a way!

      1. CaptainNancy +1

        Hmmm, I didn’t think it was the kind of game you could lose either. Is there some way you can earn enough of something else to get yourself out of that state? Or have you tried talking to an acquaintance to reduce your nightmares?

    4. BourneApprox +4

      Shit, I really need to join this game. I tend to avoid games with a social element (because I am a total introvert when it comes to games), but everything you folks mention here sounds so terribly intriguing.

      1. hawthorn_tree +5

        It’s really great! And the social parts seem to be optional – there’s lots of stuff you can do on your own. I do like inviting Toasties to loiter suspiciously and brawl, though. (I’m Cynthia Hawthorn there.)

        2. BourneApprox +2

          Right, you’ve convinced me. This might be a perfect way to pass the time during horribly boring work travel next week!

    5. anninyn +3

      I’m teaching a clay man ettiquette.

      I took a new career to get my shadowy up a bit. I’m now a pickpocket.

    6. elsajeni +4

      I have just re-started the game under the name Elsajenish! Currently I’m writing a poem about mushrooms. It’s not going well.

      1. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

        Well, really, how much is there to say about mushrooms? 🙂

        I am Bryn (Plus Others) and I welcome invitations to do whatever!

      2. highfivesforall +2

        It took me a lot of tries to get that poem right! But now I’ve been contracted by several countesses to write odes to themselves. Also I seduced an artist’s model, befriended a sculptress, and picked up dead rats from the docks to trade in for money. And I won a bunch of arm wrestling matches! This game is great.

        I am Vyctorye Buttress if anyone wants to brawl or get coffee.

    7. Meenalives +2

      I just joined last week, and I’m looking for acquaintances. I’m Renata Mangiafuoco, a minor poet. I’m trying to collect Confident Smiles for the Heart’s Desire ambition, and that requires having social contacts.

    8. EdgarAllanPoBoy +8

      I’m glad so many of us are getting on board! A growing group of Toasties could easily overtake this world. (Sylvia Lane, here) I’m still just doing random button clicking on what seems interesting, but I got a terrier that is addicted to absinthe that I named Whisky. So far that’s my biggest accomplishment.

    9. extrayarn +1

      Playing as Artura and happy to accept all Calling Cards and other requests. If I can’t use them right away rest assured I will get to you as soon as I’ve lowered my Menaces enough.

      I’m especially looking for Eyeless Skulls, if you happen to have one.

    10. Bunburying +4

      A while back I accepted a calling card from a non-Toast rando. This weekend he stabbed me twice and then sent me a bag of dead rats.

      …I’m so confused.

    11. Angelan_ +3

      I…I died this week! I mean, it’s ok – I won about 10000 chess matches against a boatman and I’m alive again, buuuuuut I knew I would come to a sticky end eventually!

      (I am Angelan over there too)

    12. craftalchemy +3

      I’m Mnemosyne Lane on FL! I am happy to accept Calling Cards and basically all social actions from Toasties, but sadly cannot take new Protégés as I have three of you already.

      This week I am trying to coach a houseplant to stop eating people.

    13. ebbieann +3

      I signed up for Fallen London this weekend after seeing so many comments about it on here; I’m now thoroughly addicted. Hooray for Toasties!

      (Everly Crumpence in the Neath)

    14. practical cat +2

      Because of Friday’s thread, I joined and am obsessed. I’m practicalcat/Annabeth Snowe over there and will try to figure out how to acquaint myself with you all.

    15. ladyimogen +1

      I’m Fayezer, and also Elodia, and I will gladly share coffee, bouts, chess matches, and opportunities to loiter suspiciously! I’m also happy to come to dinner 🙂

    16. onehundredthjen +1

      I too joined this weekend and am totally obsessed. I just went straight for the murdering, possibly influenced by mainlining all of the (terrible) Borgias over the last week. Name is Grover Boniface, and I’m up for brawling, lurking suspiciously, chess, discussing nightmares, etc. I love this game.

    17. RuncibleSpoon +1

      If you’d like to become Aquainted, I’m Arabella Twist. I just started this weekend and I’m having a lovely time so far. I haven’t yet encountered the Brazen Urchin storyline – is that one of the companions you can purchase?

    18. jihanchao +1

      I took a break from Fallen London for a couple of weeks but I’m back in action with a new career as an Enquirer. I’m onelittlefish over there too; send me a request for social actions if you want! (And if I missed a request, feel free to send another one.)

    19. aqueousmedium +1

      Super late replying here but if any fellow Toasties are willing to overlook my tardiness and presumptuousness, I’m Theoretta Rizing, a new player and a watchful and shadowy lady.

  10. Es_Petal +51

    I went to visit a friend at the weekend deliverying her new pony, and we went for a ride and passed this place.

    Goodness.

      1. Hththe1st +38

        WHICH SHE VISITED ON HER PONY. Am I eight? I feel like if I were eight, this is what I would expect the internet to be filled by.

    3. dearrosencrantz +27

      “delivering her new pony”

      Let’s not skip over this important detail. YOU DELIVER PONIES?

      1. Es_Petal +14

        Well, not for a living or anything! But he is one we bred at the stud I ride for, and his new mum is a good friend who also used to ride for us before she moved away, so we made a weekend of it, took him up and stayed overnight to settle him in and visit.

    4. nicole_44 +61

      There was a pink house in the neighborhood where I grew up. When they moved, we found out that the husband was colorblind and COULDN’T TELL HIS HOUSE WAS PINK. Decorative misandry ftw.

  12. ejbaker13 +40

    Uhhhh good morning Toasties. I’m at work. And uh, it’s been a weird Monday morning thus far (woke up with more bed company than I, a single lady, am accustomed to). Anybody else vaguely questioning their life choices on this most auspicious of bullshit holidays?

      1. ejbaker13 +62

        Remember that dirtbaggy ancient magic scholar from like a month ago? Choices were made, ambivalence was felt, awkward morning commutes were taken.

        1. dakimel +41

          I feel like you kind of *had* to sleep with the dirtbaggy ancient magic scholar, you know, for us. To help us all recognize that there is a point in our lives when we all sort of accidentally sleep with dirtbag ancient magic scholars, and that’s okay, it’s not going to work, and we have all now reaffirmed that as soon as he explains about the magic and the ancient and has that look, we understand that what that means in terms of his sense of self and what that means in terms of our imaginations of his sense of self are two different things.

          So now you’ve done that, and can move on, and may the next morning-after commute be something you could get accustomed to. Sail on, like Columbus, to new worlds.

          (I mean, they’re not new worlds, they’re just not worlds your typical ancient magic scholar has explored yet, but that ALSO means: worlds free of dirtbag ancient magic scholars!)

        2. LeastBittern +5

          Make sure he’s not recruiting you to fight against Cthulhu; sure you save the world, but there’s like a 70% dead/mad/tentacle arm likelihood.

      1. ejbaker13 +24

        Oooooffff you do win :/ Let’s all call it a day and retreat to our wine and blanket forts.

  13. ppyajunebug +26

    I spent the weekend watching “Reign” for Reasons and now my head is awhirl with crazysauce historical “plots” and the utterly bizarre sartorial choices. I’m still laughing over Mary, Queen of Scots in a STRAPLESS TARTAN DRESS. Because Oscar De La Renta was obvs the most popular Tudor designer.

    2. literarysara +5

      I was thinking about starting this! Would you recommend it for a person whose tolerance for period drama is equal to one season of The Borgias and two of The Tudors?

      1. ppyajunebug +7

        Depends on why you stopped watching. Was it because of the lack of historical accuracy? If so, then this is probably not the show for you, what with it being INCREDIBLY inaccurate within one minute of starting. Was it because they got kind of boring? This is the show for you, what with the sexxing people out of windows and faux fur shrugs and everyone switching partners every other episode.

        For reference, I saw all of The Tudors, but gave up after one episode of The Borgias.

    3. onehundredthjen +4

      I was staycating with a friend this week and we watched all three seasons of The Borgias. My head is also awhirl.

    4. Megano! +4

      This show gives me joy, though its historical inaccuracy makes my head hurt. I mean, the only things that are accurate are some of the character’s names, and…that’s about it.

  14. icebergmama +29

    Y’all let’s promote ourselves today. Bring me your Etsys, your eBays, even your DeviantArts.

    Here’s my shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/MicDropDesign – I just put up a few new things including my favorites, these Toastie-inspired* Sexy Librarian Specs Earrings: https://www.etsy.com/listing/206958758/sexy-libra…

    *Rattie Paws!!!

    1. helvetica547 +2

      I curse my current financial status because that Cat&Mouse circle necklace is absolutely spectacular!
      And those earrings are fantastic.

    2. ramina +4

      If anyone would want to look at stupid pictures of costumes I am working on, please make your way over to Pepper Pants Cosplay! We may make ourselves open for commissions if you know anyone that is interested in costumes or costuming!

    4. Hththe1st +6

      I am not good at the promotional thing, but uh… buy my book or whatever! http://www.amazon.com/Fortunate-Son-Red-Thread-Bo…

      1. icebergmama +1

        wow this looks awesome! would the file format work on Kobo or on iBooks? (I don’t have a Kindle)

    5. mmcoulston +13

      Hello! Hi! Yes to promoting ourselves because we are all awesome!

      My friend and I have started a blog, willfully disregarding the fact that this world probably doesn’t need another blog. It’s called Hooch & Home and we’re pairing cocktails with home projects. We’ll be doing some other feature-y kinds of things, too. I’m having far too much fun, so do check it out.

    6. angryporcupine +10

      Oh my god you’re telling me I can now wear THREE pairs of glasses at once?? This is the best day ever. /librarian

      1. elsamac +8

        Yeeeah, I am pretty captivated by the tassle-glasses, and not just because I like the sounds of “tassleglasses” run together.

      1. Joyous_ness +3

        Toast-Mix Swap Buddy here. I play your album that you sent in my car all the time so my friends can hear it! I I’m like a one woman Bay Area promoter of the Skipperdees!

        1. bluebluebaby +2

          ! Your mix is a godsend on days when I have to drive everywhere in horrible retiree traffic 🙂

    9. figwiggin +8

      I have a new-ish Etsy shop as well that most of my Twitter friends are probably already sick of looking at:
      https://www.etsy.com/shop/FreehandFigJewelry

      But I’m going to add some new items this week! Pretty hand-dyed lace jewelry for everyone who likes such things!

      2. Linette +1

        Figgie no shit this is the most perfect gift I have ever seen for a certain jewelry-lovin’ friend of mine, and I am saving up RIGHT NOW to get this for her for Christmas.

    11. elsamac +4

      ALL RIGHT THEN I WILL.

      You don’t want to miss my live-tweet of The Haunting on Saturday, Oct. 25th and a follow-up live-tweet of May on Monday, Oct. 27th, in anticipation of my Halloween-week article discussing both films right here on The Toast!

      This time, Nicole and I thought readers might enjoy hearing the films announced and discussed in advance, so you have a chance to watch them before the article posts. Turner Classic Movies will be showing The Haunting on the 25th starting at 8 p.m. Eastern, and other viewing options are included at the Facebook links, and I’m tweeting updates periodically throughout the month.

      You don’t have to join Facebook to see the events or to participate in the live-tweet; just follow me at @emilyorelse by the 25th. I hope you’ll join the live-tweet!

    12. CleverManka +3

      Oh, man, I’m so late to this party, but here’s mine! Shorty bloomers for all your shorty bloomer needs!

    14. ladyimogen +2

      Late in the day, as always, but a lovely friend and I have been writing an epistolary regency romance improv-style and blogging it. It has a lady banker, lots of marzipan, marriages of convenience, and an eccentric aunt. No secret babies thus far! This story is about to wrap up, and for NaNoWriMo we’ll be doing another story, this time with time travel, and will be encouraging people to throw tropes at us in the comments. http://epistolarians.wordpress.com/about/

  15. deleted1892326 +57

    Just here to say I’m proud to live in Minneapolis, which now refers to today as Indigenous Peoples Day. Not as good as actually improving the quality of life for many people still living on reservations in MN, but at least a start.

  16. blushingflower +15

    Happy Thanksgiving, Canada, and kudos on celebrating a harvest festival at a time of year that is reasonably close to harvest time!

  17. dearrosencrantz +11

    I don’t have a shop or anything, but I will happily tell people that I write interactive fiction and my most recent piece is about rescuing someone from the oh-so-dangerous fairy woods (danger may be exaggerated): The Fairy Woods (and other stories, including archived twitter stories from icebergmama’s hashtag theme days.)

    Also, bergie, I should ask: Can I semi-custom order something from you? Like, tell you things I like and let you surprise me?

  18. combledore +63

    Is it possible to be both against a holiday celebrating Columbus and irritated that I’m a government employee who doesn’t get the day off?

      1. logicbutton +8

        The business unit I work for in my company follows the stock exchange schedules, so we get Good Friday off. Which would be fine if we also got the day after Thanksgiving off like their thousands of other US employees, but nooooo.

    4. catoclock +11

      I work in the American office of a British company that doesn’t believe in most American holidays but DOES believe in giving themselves (but not us! NEVER US) several days off for things like the royal wedding and the Queen’s Jubilee, so I feel this pretty hard.

    5. SmrtCookie +5

      I’m one of the 10 people working in my federal building today. None of the hallway lights are even on. I’m trying not to curl up under my desk for a nap even though no one world notice.

  19. lemonadefish +16

    I knew there was a reason I wanted to stay in bed and eat pie. I just forgot what it was. I wonder if anyone would notice if I just turned around and left the office…

  20. SmrtCookie +22

    I got the greatest ToastCard last weekend! It contained feminist/kill men magnets that now hang on my fridge next to my Bad Feminist magnet. Thank you, French Toastie, whoever you are!

        1. Miss B

          I feel like I should apologize in advance to everyone I will (soon, I swear it will be very soon) sending things to, because…they are going to get a really bizarre assortment of things. Apologies-in-advance for the eventual inexplicable mail, peoples!

  21. Frumiosa +17

    Halloween, you guys! What are your plans?? We’re joining our friends in a glorious adult-kids combo of Adventure Time characters. Yours truly is Marceline, a role I was born to play.

    1. ramina +6

      I’m surprisingly not wearing one of my existing costumes, but I found a pair of wearable ram’s horns at Target and I am going to do something with them. I don’t know what yet, I’m running out of tiiiiiime

    2. houblonchouffe +4

      Possibly, possibly, the Green Arrow and Black Canary. I don’t know. Last year we were Sherlock and The Woman (Irene Adler). There’s a theme here, isn’t there.

    3. tragicallyludicrous +2

      I thought moving abroad meant I didn’t have to deal with the pressure of Halloween but it followed me here

      if I have to do a thing, I was considering going in full Arsenal kit, which I have, but I’d like to wear my Bergkamp shirt and it’s vintage so its crest won’t match the shorts (which will be the wrong season for whatever I wear, whatever) and that would suck. So I have no idea and maybe I’ll just hide.

    4. thecaitd +6

      I just dyed my hair platinum blonde, so if anyone wants to lend me a full-length black leather coat and/or accompany me dressed as another Buffy character, I could easily be Spike for Halloween. Now if I only had plans for that night…

    5. vmartinipie +7

      I don’t have a costume planned yet (shame) but I am going to a cabin in the woods with a bunch of friends. Yes, I know, it’s the perfect slasher film setup….but I anticipate good food, spooky tarot card readings, and hikes to the lake nearby. I’m pretty over standard Halloween parties and the inevitable awfulness of the late-night bus home.

    6. jenavira +4

      Iiiii don’t know if I’m going to resurrect my Sandman!Death costume this Hallowe’en or what (my go-to the past few years has been Janet from ‘Tam Lin’ but I’m getting tired of explaining it) but I am psyched. 😀 😀 😀

      1. queenofbithynia +3

        oh my god if I knew you I would insist upon dressing up as Melinda Wolfe as I am too old to be Molly and have too much self-respect to be Tina. that would involve I guess combing my hair and dressing fashionably so maybe a bit of a stretch. anyhow I could go around advising you and then everybody would get it. Would they? Of course they would.

    7. coloredlights +3

      I need to make Halloween decisions! It’s my favorite holiday and I take it very seriously and this is the first year I just really haven’t had any costume ideas. Anyone have suggestions for male or female characters with short (pixie) hair? My one criteria is I refuse to wear a wig. Hair chalk, temporary dye, all fine – just anti-wig.

      I considered going as Marshall Lee, but then I had the much better idea of convincing my wife to go as Marceline. It seems a little weird for us to be two alter-egos of the same character. (Also I sort of dress like Marshall Lee anyway, so not much of a costume.)

    9. catoclock +4

      I’m soooooo excited for Halloween! My trivia team is gunning for a group costume award this year and are planning to go as Disney princesses. Teammates include a girl with real-life Ariel hair and two dudes who are well over 6′ tall, so it should be good times.

      For real Halloween, my boyfriend and I are probably doing Princess Bride. It won’t be as good as last year, when my bff and I went as Baberaham Lincoln and Titty Roosevelt, but it’ll do.

        1. catoclock +1

          Don’t worry, trivia is on Thursdays so I’m gonna princess-spam the HECK out of Halloween Open Thread

    11. CleverManka +5

      Because I’ve put on about ten pounds this year, I think I can finally fill out a Varla ensemble.

    13. jackalopeia +4

      My dream is to go with my husband as David Bowie and Mick Jagger in the Dancing in the Street video, but I just don’t know where I’m going to find him an insane wallpaper-patterned jumpsuit in time.

    14. RuncibleSpoon +1

      I’m going to attempt to be a jellyfish, through the use of a cheap plastic umbrella and streamers and hope.

      1. meowmischen +1

        You can do it! I did it a few years ago and it was super fun. I recommend cutting spirals out of bubble wrap if you can get a big sheet – it makes curly tentacles which are more texturally interesting than streamers by themselves. And then you can open and close your umbrella to “swim”! I wish I was invited to a Halloween party where no one had ever seen this costume so I could do it again…

  22. tragicallyludicrous +6

    ALSO SPEAKING OF EUROPE today was the first day I was up before sunrise. It’s not even like I was up early! Sunrise was at 8 AM! Stupid northern Europe. Last winter was my first having to deal with this (before I was a proper student and never woke up early) and it sucks.

    1. ToastiewithCheese +11

      Yeah… I saw a list earlier today with tips about dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder, and number 1 was “get up at dawn”, with the implication that most people would otherwise get up later. But in winter in the Netherlands, waking up at dawn means sleeping in and not getting to work on time.

      1. tragicallyludicrous +4

        I explained to my Dutch colleague that in the US, waking up at dawn means you’re up *really early*, even in the winter. She thought that was weird. It’s just one of those things, along with the weather, that Europeans think is the same and it really isn’t.

        1. maldemal +4

          …partly because it’s quite common with people from North America who can’t wait to tell you that your winters here [ie Scandinavia] are nothing like what they have at home in [northern part of US]. The snow! The darkness! And the bears! My god, the bears! etc.

          1. tragicallyludicrous +2

            Mostly it’s been in describing summers on the East Coast to Dutch (and English) people. The Dutch don’t realize that NYC can easily be 35 and humid most of the summer, they think the weather there is like weather here or at least in Germany where it’s more inland. It is not. It is so much worse.

          2. maldemal +3

            You seldom get to claim that inland Germany is a bit like NYC in the summer. Anyone would be tempted to tell a lie.

          3. tragicallyludicrous +2

            I meant more that they (my Dutch friends) thought the weather would be more similar to Germany, because they think of the Dutch coastal weather as somewhat unique but the inland weather of Germany or France or wherever to be somewhat “normal.” None of these places are like NYC in the summer. The closest I’ve come is Lisbon in June.

          5. tragicallyludicrous +2

            Yeah, don’t go to most of the US in the summer. The Pacific Northwest is OK. And you might get lucky other times- the week in August this year I was in NYC was nice, but that was a surprise.

          6. celery +1

            I ran into that with travel guides, even, when I went to Venice… travel guides written by and for U.S. people cautioned that summers in Venice were unusually hot and humid. I’m from the south and spent whole summers at an outdoor camp. Venice felt perfectly normal to me.

          7. tragicallyludicrous +4

            Yep. You can handle all of Europe if you’re from the South, don’t let them confuse you.

        2. blushingflower +4

          I think people forget how much further north most of Europe is relative to most of the US.
          I spent the fall semester in Berlin and I remember being at the library and thinking “oh, man, I won’t have time to get to the grocery store before it closes” because it was getting dark out and the store closed at 8:00, and then realizing that it was only 3:30.

          1. tragicallyludicrous +4

            I really had no idea until I moved here! Seattle was pretty far north, but the Netherlands are five degrees more north! New York is at the same level as Portugal, which was totally bizarre to me. It has way more winter than Portugal, though (not to mention the rest of the East Coast).

            i’ve explained the US obsession with fall to Dutch people by explaining the whole weather thing- instead of fall being “that time when it starts to get dark early and rains all the time,” it’s “the time when it’s finally OK to go outside during the day.”

    2. BourneApprox +14

      Living in England for four years made me appreciate US New England winters. December: sunrise at 8:30 am, sunset at 3:30 pm. I think I became completely and totally unmoored from human time and lived forever in the realm of dreams and nightmares for a while.

  23. sednarea51 +13

    Happy Thanksgiving Day, Canada! I hope you all have a lovely day filled with delicious food and fellowship. I am a US worker who does not have Columbus Day off, and I am fine with that, mostly because I don’t think we should be celebrating it anyway (for all the obvious reasons).
    Thank you all for giving me scarf-tying advice in the FOT; the baptism went well and I looked more like a cloaked queen than a wolf dressed like Grandma, so success!

  24. autumnlorayne +3

    I still don’t know how to paste links here (I know, I know), but my mother makes journals out of old, beautiful books, and sells them on Etsy. Her store name is Second Chance Journals. https://www.etsy.com/shop/SecondChanceJournals

    Supposed to be a reply to icebergmama…looks like the link worked at least!

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

      Those are gorgeous but I want to read all of those ancient cookbooks before they get recycled!

  25. literarysara +11

    I spent the last three days in an enchanted slumber, waking up only to watch Netflix and drink more tea. I watched Silver Linings Playbook and In a World. I’m not sure I would have finished either if I hadn’t been so emphatically horizontal. I really thought In a World was going to be awesome! But it’s… kind of mean-spirited? Like Silver Linings, one of the romantic plots is happily resolved through some profoundly unethical shenanigans? And up-talking, like I’m doing now? is used as shorthand for feminine incompetence?
    Anyone else see these movies? Can we talk?

    1. smeesmeesmee +10

      I am with you In a World – I really found the last scene to be quite offensive! Where she ‘teaches’ all the ‘girly’ ladies to be less baby-voiced. Let people talk how they want? Including up-talking?

      I fell asleep during Silver Linings so cannot comment on that but from what I saw, it wasn’t my bag.

    2. normal_catlady +5

      Yup, completely agree with you on In a World. I stopped watching SLP halfway through…

    3. samburgers +7

      I watched half of In a World this weekend before I couldn’t do it anymore. The trailer grossly misrepresented the emphasis: I was expecting a movie about this woman’s career, but I got a movie that was 90% about her love life, 10% about her career.

      And yeah, definitely mean-spirited. The opening lines gleefully use the word “retarded.” Shoulda known to stop there.

    4. GruntledDave +2

      I hadn’t heard of “In a World,” and was hoping it was a documentary about movie-trailer-voiceover artists. Bummed now.

      1. ballisticjaguar +2

        BUT…have you seen ‘I know that voice’?! It is a documentary about voice actors, some of whom do movie trailers, and it is on Netflix!

  26. autumnlorayne +11

    Toast Poast!

    I got my first postcard on Saturday, it was from Edinburgh, which is my favorite city in the world and which made me so happy!

    Thanks, Angelan!

  27. mmejoy +3

    So, since we’re talking about Canada (Happy Thanksgiving, Canada!), this is probably a good place to ask –

    I am going to be in Toronto for the first time this coming weekend (attending/presenting in the Gender and Sexuality in Information Studies Colloquium at the University of Toronto). I will have one glorious day to myself – Sunday – and I want to eat good (vegetarian) food and see some interesting Toronto things. I’m staying at a Holiday Inn on Bloor Street. Tell me what to do, Toasties.

    2. DunaVelo +2

      Veggie restaurants: The Beet, Hogtown Vegan, Hibiscus Cafe. If you want something a little bit fancy, Woodlot (they have two parallel full menus, one for meat eaters and one for veggies) is supposed to be amazing.

      As for things to do, it depends! Do you like to wander around new cities? Go to museums? Do outdoorsy things?

      1. mmejoy +1

        Woodlot looks amazing. That might be our one fancy dinner thing.

        I am a wander around/museum kind of person in a new city. I am already eyeing up the Kensington Market and have figured out how long it would take to walk to the CN Tower from my hotel, with the intention of eating/wandering along the way.

        1. allanaaa +2

          About 20-25 minutes for a straight walk. The CN Tower is pretty boring, though. Go to the AGO after Kensington.

          (…. or there could be a Toronto Toasties meetup? I am not sure but I seem to be the only one so far.)

          1. mmejoy +2

            Noted. Scratch the CN Tower – there’s a Michelangelo exhibit at the AGO starting next weekend. Neat!

          2. Rianne +1

            AGO is lovely, they have an astoundingly wonderful collection of Group of Seven art.
            If you’re doing museums there is also of course the ROM.

            I hear really great things about the aquarium that’s down near the CN Tower.

          3. raqueue +1

            And, um, a huge selection of Cornelius Kreighoff.

            I love the AGO but their Canadian section gets a little monotonous.

          5. raqueue +1

            Why do they need to display seemingly their entire collection of Kreighoff?

            It especially doesn’t blend with how breathtaking and carefully curated the rest of their permanent collection is.

            from Rubens’ “Massacre of the Innocents” to … Krieghoff.

            Sent from my iPad

          6. raqueue +1

            There are a bunch of Toronto toasties! We have a Facebook group that meets up every few months… I don’t have the link because I’m on my phone, but join us!

            (I will try to find the link later)

        2. Steph +3

          Kensignton Market is great for wandering and eating! Lots of gems squirrelled away there. Skip the CN tower, it’s boring and super expensive.

    3. Steph +2

      I have a deep and abiding love for the ROM, which is also on Bloor St. (corner of Bloor and Queen’s Park, and just down the street from the Bata Museum someone else suggested). If the weather’s nice the Distillery District is charming. If you go there, get gelato at the place down the alley from the LOVE fence with padlocks on it — I know this is super vague but I can’t remember the name of the place. They sell chocolates and stuff too, but the gelato is incredible — you will not be disappointed.

      Good vegetarian food: Salad King has lots, Big Sushi (also on Bloor) is a sentimental favourite that has excellent yam tempura, and there’s probably tons more that people who’ve actually lived in Toronto proper know about.

    4. GlowCloud +1

      We went to Toronto in the spring and basically spent the entire 5 days we were there just wandering around Kensington, eating and buying vintage clothes. OTOH we were staying with friends who live in the neighbourhood, and neither my partner or I are super touristy people, so this was the path of least (but most delicious) resistance. The AGO was cool but it was also like, peak Canadian art and got a little overwhelming after a while.

      Also, I’m an LIS student and that colloquium looks fucking COOL.

      1. allanaaa +1

        Yes, also, I forgot to say that that colloquium looks pretty good, and for $25 I could think of worse ways to spend my Saturday.

        Especially since one of the presenters insinuated I was unsympathetic to gender issues in our profession a few weeks ago.
        (edited for being pointlessly inflammatory, ugh, it sucks having to defend your reputation)

    6. mmejoy +2

      Thank you so much, everyone, for all of these responses! My day to be a tourist in Toronto while decompressing from nine straight hours of doing feminism to libraryland just got 100% more awesome.

  28. dearrosencrantz +11

    You should be able to work your way out of the nightmare place! I had to go there on purpose and got out just fine. Just keep poking around!

    1. dearrosencrantz +8

      Well this was in reply to a Fallen London discussion upthread, but out of context it’s just… hm.

  29. Hththe1st +33

    I already went to my one and only Halloween party this weekend. It was Supernatural-themed. I employed a roll of gauze, some medical tape, and a liberal amount of fake blood and went as every female character on Supernatural. It was a hit.

    The high point, though, was when I told my host-friend that partner and I were getting ready to leave, and she said, “WHAT? But you were so well-developed and potentially interesting, and now you’re just going to be *gone?* This always happens!” Well-played, host-friend. Well played. I forgive you for making me go to a Supernatural-themed party.

    (edit: Was supposed to attach to Halloween thread above. What’s with that lately?)

  30. BourneApprox +10

    So Dragon Age: Origins is totally free on PC now until tomorrow, apparently. Do you like character-focused fantasy? Game of Thrones style political wrangling? Tactical fantasy combat with mages n stuff? Whedon-style dialogue? Designing your own fantasy hero of either gender and elf/dwarf/human race? Making said character flirt with and kiss cute boys and girls? It’s an awesome game and you should totally go grab it right now because it’s FREE. And then you can come back and commiserate over the fact that Alistair broke your heart.

    Stupid sexy Alistair.

    In other news, it’s still over a month until Dragon Age: Inquisition and the series is officially all I can think about right now, so SORRY.

      1. BourneApprox +2

        Spoilers be here, if you care about spoilers in a five-year-old game!
        Oh noes! Did he sacrifice himself, then? I’ve got one godbaby warden and one no-godbaby warden (where Loghain took the fatal blow, absolving himself of his crimes). My elf mage was a bit of a self-serving coward, so she kept Alistair for herself as a warden and let Anora take the throne (matriaaarchyyyyy!), and had Alistair do the ritual. I hope there’s at least some reference to the ritual in the new game.
        I really miss Jennifer Culp’s Girl Talk pieces! We will see if any of the cute new folks in Inquisition will be worthy of the Videogame Boyfriend Canon. (Blackwall? Cullen? Iron Bull?? Or one of the ladies???)

        1. literarysara +2

          Cullen is already Boyfriend Canon if my Tumblr dash is to be believed. 🙂
          I actually played my Cousland ending twice–once I left my sweet Alistair at home and sacrificed myself, but I wanted to go on and play Awakening, so I replayed the ending with Alistair in my team and let him take care of it. Heartbreaking. So I guess Anora was released from whatever posh tower we were keeping her in and became queen after all. Point being: always say yes to godbaby. Self-sacrifice messes up all your political decisions.

          I’ve been on the edge of my seat, especially since it became clear that Morrigan is prominent in Inquisition, wondering how they were going to resolve that plot line in a way that makes sense both ways. Giving birth to an Old God versus not: that’s kind of a bigger deal than which Fereldan ruler makes a brief royal cameo and which one ends up drunk at the Hanged Man!

          1. BourneApprox +2

            I do wonder how much impact the Ritual will have, given the amount of work it takes to make separate parts of a game. They have said that Inquisition will feature sections that not every player will see, based on choices, however, so maybe they’ll finally have it matter?? I really want to do a third playthrough with a a snobbish goateed asshole Human Male Noble who marries Anora and knocks up Morrigan however. Evil king with bastard demon lovechild for the win!

            Cullen *is* rather dreamy… I’m dead set on playing a Female Qunari for my first Inquisitor, however, so I fear he’ll have to wait (he only digs elf and human chicks, apparently). As a personal choice, I’m finding it really hard to argue with Iron Bull, given that he’s seven-foot tall pansexual Qunari Freddie Prinze Jr with an eyepatch and a lust for life.

          2. BourneApprox +2

            P.S. Probably don’t have to tell you, but beware spoilers in tumblr right now for Inquisition! The art book leaked, and there’s been some big stuff out there, from what I’ve been told. (Don’t know what they are myself, since I ran away from tumblr to avoid this. That, and to reduce the amount of time I spend on the internet, hehe.)

        2. Megano! +3

          Iron Bull has had a hashtag pretty much since they confirmed he is romanceable. #RideTheBull

          1. BourneApprox +2

            Yussssss. I love how excited Freddie Prinze Jr. is about the character, too. He was on twitter the other day offering to do a Let’s Play of Inquisition entirely in-character.

          2. Megano! +3

            Oh my god. A Let’s Play where he romances himself, I hope.

            I think my favourite dev story is how long it took them to get the proportions right in the Iron Bull love scene, because he’s so big.

          3. BourneApprox +1

            Let us celebrate John Epler and the amount of work he did to make dwarf/Bull happen.

            Also, I really need to repost the fanart which he’s currently using as his background on twitter, because it might just be my favorite thing ever:

        3. Angelan_ +3

          My love of Ultimate Tragedy endings lead to me making a sad, sad Cousland who romanced Alistair, but couldn’t kill Loghain because it seemed more dutiful to let him try and join the wardens, so Alistair ran off hating her, which I think might be sadder than him dying for her.

    2. Amelia +2

      So excited for Inquisition! And I just got into the beta for the Keep, so I’m going to be spending most of my free time playing around with all the choices I couldn’t bring myself to make in-game.

      1. BourneApprox +1

        Aaah same! They just streamed some PC footage earlier today, and everyone looked so attractive. To say nothing of the environments. Holy shit, Cassandra has the most amazing eyebrows.

        Can’t wait to finally get to use the Keep beta! After signing the NDA, we should apparently have Keep access tomorrow? I really want to see all of my old decisions (and other ones) narrated by Varric.

          1. BourneApprox +2

            Given that one of my friends just got in last week and has been cooing over it ever since, much sympathy here! Open beta / actual release soon, at least! I’ll try to help folks here out if the family sharing code thing is still working! 🙂

    3. coloredlights +3

      HI ALISTAIR. I just finished DA: Origins on Saturday! And started DAII that evening, in hopes of getting through it before Inquisition comes out.

      My in-game romance was Leliana, though. Still annoyed that they made Morrigan super-straight, though she never liked me enough to hit romance level anyway.

      1. BourneApprox +1

        Say what you will about DA2, but making all four romance characters bisexual definitely got rid of a lot of frustration. Inquisition has different orientations again, but it gets its revenge on straight folks a bit by making two of its most attractive characters gay/lesbian-only.

        This is the standard warning, btw, that DA2 is very different from Origins in some ways. I love the game, but many found the changes and obviously short development time to be disappointing (esp. the repeated environments; you will see the same cave like 10 times). I love the characters and the non-traditional plot, though.

    5. Bunburying +4

      FUCK YOU ALISTAIR

      *I* WAS GOING TO SACRIFICE MYSELF

      Fuck Alistair even though he definitely DID NOT make me cry for like an entire day t(-_-t)

      1. BourneApprox +5

        What Origins taught me: it’s TOTALLY WORTH IT to make deals with demons and old gods, if it lets you hang on to that sweet, sweet ex-Templar booty.

    6. orz +1

      I am replaying in the lead-up to Inquisition, and decided to have my lady elf rogue woo Leliana as she’s the only one I hadn’t romanced already – but I think my favourite DA1 romance is still Zevran. *sigh*

  31. wallofillusion +11

    All menace areas can be escaped by reducing the menace in question down to zero! In the meantime, enjoy your discussions with lizards who have feasted with kings. And feasted on kings. Do not attempt to set the place on fire, it will achieve nothing.

      1. BourneApprox +12

        I’m almost willing to put up with the Intense Debate bugs if they continue to produce these AMAZING out-of-context FL messages.

        1. dearrosencrantz +11

          Good general life advice, weirdly. “Do not attempt to set the place on fire, it will achieve nothing.”

    1. ramina +3

      Confession time: I have never seen The Princess Bride. (ducks, hides) Is it one of those movies that relies heavily on nostalgia, or would it be worthwhile for me to watch now as an adult?

      1. houblonchouffe +5

        Worthwhile, I think. The dialogue and performances are really, really strong. I actually picked up so many more jokes in it as an adult than as a kid.

      2. aberkoff +5

        obviously the love/obsession for it comes a lot out of nostalgia, but if you can go into it with the expectation that it’ll be a pretty funny, somewhat cheesy, enjoyable film, not “OMG the best movie ever!!!” you won’t be disappointed.

      3. daisicles +4

        I think it’s worthwhile. I actually watched it with my mother for the first time as a teenager knowing absolutely nothing about it other than ‘I think I’ve heard that it’s good’ and she and I both adored it.

        It’s still pretty cheesy, but in a fun way, I think. No need for nostalgia.

  33. autumnlorayne +5

    Re: Sara Davis
    I haven’t seen In a World, only Silver Linings, which I really wanted to like. I kind of did in the moment but then the more I thought about it the less I liked it.

  34. rien à dire +3

    Happy Thanksgiving, y’all! I’m sitting at the auto mechanic’s office right now. Some jag came through my neighborhood last night and slashed everyone’s tires! Today I am thankful for car insurance and for not having to be at work. Oh, and for wifi to keep myself entertained.

      1. rien à dire +4

        Right? Like, do you honestly have nothing better to do with your life than be a jerk? I mean, at least it’s an entertaining story, but….

    2. elsamac +4

      AW JEEZ

      Those random acts of destruction and nastiness make me feel far too much sympathy with the Wicked Witch of the West, as if some day I’ll just crumple and hiss and melt away, muttering “What a world, what a world.” I’m so sorry someone would do that, and that you have to spend your day getting it fixed.

      1. rien à dire +3

        Aw, thanks! Fun update, the slasher left crap all over the neighborhood–cigarette pack, a screwdriver still IN the tire of one of the cars, a Justin Timberlake CD!! So at least he’s a bumbling idiot and not remotely a pro at this. I found that kind of reassuring for some odd reason.

  35. rallisaurus +43

    Oh goodie! An open thread I can actually participate in (my Fridays have been really busy recently)! I wanted to tell The Toastariat this story and I thought I’d forget about it before the next open thread I could actually participate it.

    I was riding a very crowded train this weekend and a lady complimented me on my cursive word necklace. She said, “oh that’s so pretty, what does it say, is it your name?” And I said “thanks, it’s misandry.” And she said, “oh that’s really different.” And I thought to myself…yeah, but…oh she’s thinks Misandry is my name. But now I want to name my first born Misandry! Or at the very least my next cat! I mean, Ms Andry would be pretty cute, no?

    1. ramina +12

      I think that would be a really great name for like, roller derby or burlesque or something where it is expected to take on a stage name.

      1. betsymore +17

        If there’s not already a Miss Andry on some roller derby team, I will be quite surprised.

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +6

          Okay if we get our act together and join a roller derby team as I am hoping to do, I am really tempted to use that name!

    2. dakimel +7

      love it. Of course, in my mind your saying this on a crowded train created an instant anti-man forcefield that pushed back the crowds and allowed you & the admiring lady & other ladies in the vicinity to sprawl out all legs everywhere nodding like yeah while the miserable men huddled in corners.

      But your way is good, too.

  36. thebellewitch +8

    I saw the movie Rebecca for the first time in what was otherwise kind of a dopey weekend. It’s probably wrong to leave that movie thinking that Mrs. Danvers is the best character, right? Lady got things DONE.

    So I’ve been meaning to read the book for awhile, but it’s never checked in at the library – worth reading? Different than the movie? Shall we discuss the infinite creepiness of Mr. de Winters?

    1. KatPruska +9

      Gosh, I wish I could watch that for the first time over and over again. I’m jealous! What about Mrs. Danvers and Rebecca’s cousin Jack? I would watch the hell out of a spin-off show of those two running scams on people and getting drunk and making cutting, filthy remarks whilst wearing fabulous hats.

      Not even Laurence Olivier could make Maxim anything but a creepy, controlling weirdo. Oh, you were going to play tennis? Nah, baby, come for a ride with me! But don’t ask any questions about my life or I’ll get pissed. Put up with my cryptic comments and emotional neglect and distance, and be sure to walk on eggshells around me at all times. Also, never ever change or grow as a person or I’ll throw a baby-man-tantrum. Oh, I also maybe-probably-definitely murdered my first wife (who totes tricked me into marrying her and then went totally crazy for no reason!), but my privilege will insulate me from any real consequences. Climb aboard my crazy train!

      1. elsamac +7

        And Maxim’s closest thing to an endearment for his painfully shy young bride is “You little fool!” Yeeeah, that’s a dreamy marriage proposal right there.

    2. ppyajunebug +6

      God, I loved that book SO MUCH in high school that I have a hard time not loving it still. Like, yes Maxim is a FULL ON CREEPER, but I just gobbled up all the gothic melodrama and I’m only a little ashamed of it.

    4. RoseCamelia +4

      I could not get past my nearly visceral reaction to Mrs. Danvers. Were I the new Mrs. de Winter, I would have fired Mrs. Danvers the day I met her. No way should she get away with that shit. She works for me, dammit. She focuses on my comfort or she’s thumbing a ride away from Manderley within the hour.

      1. thebellewitch +8

        My husband and I did spend a large portion of the movie pointing out to each other that 99 percent of everyone’s problems could have been solved preemptively with a few layoffs.

      2. gripyfish +5

        I read the book in middle school (all I knew at the time was that there were Scary Rhododendrons in it, because my mother told me Rebecca was the reason she loathed rhododendrons), so I’m way overdue for a reread. Definitely pick it up when you get the chance!

        Also, Maxim is the ultimate creep. Always. DOWN WITH MAXIM

    5. extrayarn +3

      The only thing I know about this book is from the Thursday Next books. It has been on my reading list FOREVER but I never seem to get to it. Maybe after the hell that is October. It sounds like a good November book.

    6. Cricket +2

      Definitely read it, it was one of my favorite books as a teenager and I still love it for nostalgia reasons. Mr. de Winter is infinitely creepier in the book. It’s a great October read. I was planning to have another go at Jamaica Inn next for my creepy Halloween book, but I may have to make it a Daphne du Maurier double feature and also revisit Rebecca.

  37. anninyn +38

    Late

    so late

    no one will see this

    I dyed my hair again

    Why not join me in various imaginary animal breeding sims?

    You can breed pretty sparkledogs in Wajas

    (My ID is 291138 message me if you join) http://www.wajas.com

    And I just joined flight rising because their registration is open for today only.

    Breeding imaginary animals is really super relaxing, toasties, super relaxing, and really satisfying for a certain type of personality.

    4. RuncibleSpoon +1

      that is a magical blend of colors! I really like the idea of ombre in a family of purples…

  38. PaigePoo +3

    Hooray Monday open thread! I don’t want to do any work today, and this seems like an extremely apt place to ask this question: where should I buy a bookcase?

    My husband and I were just gifted some money, and we want to spend it on a fairly nice bookcase/shelf for our apartment. However, I’m only familiar with looking on Craigslist and Ikea for furniture. Do any book toasties have suggestions of good bookcase retailers? Thanks!!

    1. isabellebleu +1

      Depending on your tastes/preferences – my favourite bookcase of all time comes from one of those stores that specializes in knotty pine furniture. It was from a one-off store but I have seen others that are similar. The store looked hopelessly dorky from the outside but they made the sturdiest bookshelf I’ve ever owned – no wobble on this model! (to see what I mean by knotty pine, at the link – this actually looks a lot like my bookcase: http://home.comcast.net/~ronzu2/Woodworking/Furni…

    2. chickpeas

      If you are looking for maximum storage for minimum dollars, your best bet (short of like, two by fours and cinder blocks) is the Ikea Billy line. They are reasonably sturdy, if plain. They fit a TON of books.

      If you are looking for something more stylish, West Elm and CB2 have some nice options.

      (in case it goes astray, this comment was for PaigePoo re: bookshelves.)

    3. depizan +2

      I’ve gotten all my bookcases from Staples or Office Depot. They have real oak or cherry bookcases that are super sturdy and nice looking, and if you can get on sale (usually around a holiday), pretty reasonably priced. One caveat with a self-assemble bookcase is make sure to get a model where the back piece nails in place on all sides, and not a model where the back portion slides in on grooves; the model I got that has the slide in back, the cardboard wasn’t cut properly so will pop out of place any time it’s moved.

    4. Beakses +1

      We bought ours at an Amish furniture retailers in our city (I guess they contract out and ship, since we are nowhere near Amish country). I really wanted bookshelves with cabinets on the bottom and this was the only place I found that used good cabinet hardware and finished things well. (And built things with flush panels and square edges and actual quality). Plus they’re built with an extra piece of wood on the fronts of the shelves, so I expect them to last approximately forever without sagging. They’re the most beautiful piece of furniture I’ve ever owned.

      The cost was pretty similar to wood book cases at west elm or crate and barrel, but the quality is probably about twice as good. Plus, they built to order, so we got to pick our wood species and stain color. Some day I will buy a house, and then I will buy the perfect Amish made shaker-style dresser and spend all day petting it and enjoying perfect drawer hardware.

  39. Goomaly +4

    Oh good, an open thread. Any lady web developers about? I have a small job for you and it pays in real life cash dollars! Please email dangerflakes at hotmail dot com

  40. meetapossum +4

    Yesss! I’m excited about this since I missed Friday’s Open Thread.

    In bad news, I didn’t get the job I had an interview for two weeks ago. I feel like I am going to be stuck at my company forever and it’s really depressing.

    In better news, my friend from Colorado was visiting from Wednesday to Saturday. We went to the Cloisters and Teddy Roosevelt’s Birthplace and did the Staten Island Shuffle. Then we took the train up the Hudson to Sleepy Hollow and wandered around the cemetery. Then he missed his early morning flight (oops!) so I bought him brunch. Now I sort of miss him, womp womp.

    1. IHaveBangsNow +4

      @meetapossum I am so sorry about the job, something will come just say that three times click your shoes and hopefully the universe will get the message.

      In re: better news, WOW that honesly sounds like an amazing way to while away the time with a friend, brava on your fun making skills. I love all of those things so much. Sounds like a completely rad weekend.

    2. thecaitd +4

      I took the Hudson line train for the first time this weekend and it was SO BEAUTIFUL. I am kind of a dad in that I pln all vacations around what type of enjoyable and relaxing transportation methods I can take, and this did not disappoint.

      1. meetapossum +1

        This past week/end was perfect for it, too. Cloudy and chilly, but not rainy. Perfect fall weather.

  41. betsymore +5

    Happy Thanksgiving, Canadians! Eat lots of pie.

    *whinge* I am trying to write a postdoc application right now and I don’t waaaannnnnaaaaa. I get so tired of trying to sell myself as a bright shiny exciting scholar over and over, to very little effect. */whinge*

    In unrelated news I have a first round interview for a job in university admin tomorrow. It is with HR, rather than the person/department I’d be working for. Is that normal? It seems strange, and very different from the process for hiring faculty, the only other hiring process I’m familiar with.

    1. RoseCamelia +2

      First interview with HR is normal. Especially for university admin. Clever Manka should have more to say on the subject. I believe she is currently in university admin. My experience was a decade ago.

      But this is good. You want HR to know you well. If the department you’re aiming for chooses a different candidate, you still have a chance for other jobs at the uni. Put your HR contact in you tickler and check in with them once a month or so, to ask if there are other openings you can help them fill.

      I hear you on hating the application process. Selling oneself over and over is demoralizing. It suuuuuucks. I am so sorry.

      1. betsymore +2

        Thank you thank you!! This is great to know, and also I appreciate the commiseration. 🙂 There are sooo many of us in this boat, and many more who remember it all too well, so I know I am not alone.

    2. literarysara +4

      I had that happen once when I applied for a job at a corporate publisher, and I liked it a lot. For one, HR officers are likely better interviewers than your future department manager. (I sometimes find that in-department interviewers feel stressed and disorganized about their vacant position, and may not even really sure what to ask or tell me about the position.) I also got called in to interview for another position when I wasn’t selected for the first. It’s good to be on a well-run HR department’s radar.

    3. Meenalives +3

      Commiseration on the postdoc application. I’m doing the exact same thing, but the one I’m working on now wants a proposal for an entirely new research project, rather than “this is my dissertation and this is how I’m going to turn it into a book.” I’ve been stuck in my dissertation topic for so long, I barely remember how to think outside it.

      1. betsymore +3

        Oh god I hate that part. I resent it so much, because everyone knows it’s a fiction; you’re going to use that postdoc to revise the goddamn diss for publication. And yet you have to show that you have fresh new shiny ideas! That you’ve spent approximately a day or two thinking about so you could write the bloody application! Yeah. Not that I know how that feels or anything. Solidarity!

  43. elsajeni +50

    OkCupid just enthusiastically notified me that someone who is apparently a headless, shirtless torso likes me. GREAT. JUST WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR.

  44. logicbutton +39

    I just want to be someone’s first choice for something. Not one of their top choices, not a random choice. Their first choice. For literally anything.

    2. RoseCamelia +15

      I know this is not exactly what you want. But it’s the unvarnished truth: Toastfolk like you are my first choice in people of all kinds, everywhere, every time.

    3. SmrtCookie +10

      I’m both extremely sad and extremely comforted to know that there are multiple other toasties dealing with this. Oof y’all.

      1. logicbutton +3

        Yeah, I didn’t really expect any replies; I just wanted to say it. But now I’m feeling a lot less alone.

  45. isabellebleu +5

    Happy Thanksgiving Monday! I *do* have to work tonight, but at least my day job is closed for the day, so I get a luxurious half-day holiday, like a scullery maid in a turn-of-the-century novel.
    I intend to spend the day in bed reading. I’ve already ploughed this weekend through Caitlin Moran’s “How To Build A Girl”, which I can’t recommend highly enough; I blasted through it in a single sitting, it was such an engrossing, entertaining, excellent novel. I also have “Bad Feminist” up next on the docket, which I will get to as soon as my coffee brews. I must admit, I tried Lena Dunham’s new book, and only got through about four chapters before I got bored and deemed it a re-gift. Any Toasties read any of these? Is there a chapter in the Dunham book that I should be skipping ahead to?

  46. wallofillusion +5

    Procrastination beaters:
    WrittenKitten (http://writtenkitten.net/) which provides a picture of for every certain number of words.

    Or, if you prefer negative reinforcement: WriteOrDie. http://writeordie.com/ It will make awful noises at you if you stop writing. Or it will start deleting your words. I find it pretty effective!

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      Thank you thank you! I remembered there was some kitten-picture-thingy out there but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out which keywords to search on to find it again.

      Cassandra wrote like 2000 words last week after a long long drought so hopefully as soon as I am done with the open thread we will see if written kitten works for us!

    2. Cricket +3

      No joke, I wrote my thesis and a few painful research papers with the aid of WrittenKitten. It’s a godsend.

  47. allanaaa +7

    I am mainlining Daria all day.

    I didn’t go home for Thanksgiving, and I bailed on a friend’s dinner last night (sort of) and now I could not be more lonely.

    Also my relationship is basically at an end.

    Also I still have the flu, going on its fourth week.

    1. thecaitd +4

      Tis the season for ending relationships, it seems. I broke up mine a couple of weeks ago. Solidarity, my sister.

    2. laurenipsum +4

      That sounds like a big pile of suck. Except the Daria part. I’m sorry. 🙁 I hope everything gets better soon.

    3. dakimel +4

      Have you gotten drugs for this flu? 4 weeks sounds like an unbearable amount of time!

      I’m sorry you’re lonely right now. Internet hugs and virtual pie and warm soup for you!

    4. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      Ugh, ugh, ugh, I am really sorry. I hope Daria is a good thing to be mainlining and that you can have some nice hot tea or something else comforting.

    5. allanaaa +3

      Thanks, team. I’mma just lurk this thread and shop on OKCupid all day.
      (Just discovered the liquor stores are all closed, so this is Plan B.)

      The nice lady at the walk-in (at the two-week point) said I’d probably keep coughing for up to a month. I said “Antibiotics?” and she said “Meh.”

  48. gripyfish +15

    Hooray, open thread! I am (sadly) back at work after a lovely week’s vacation to the Pacific NW (which did its level best all week to remind me why I never should’ve left it). At least I had two ToastPost correspondences waiting for me when I got back home, including one with a bevy of origami boats, so I may Take to the Sea in style!

    Ooh, as an update on a question I posed in an open thread ages and ages ago, I saw my family during this vacation, and they were surprisingly great about not haranguing me about my weight, outside of my dad mentioning how he’s gotten super into pedometers and I should get one. My sister asked me to be maid of honor at her wedding (which was a complete surprise), and while as predicted, the other bridesmaids are all slim and sylphlike, we’re all given leave to find dresses that flatter us in one of her wedding colors (I claimed Plum, as I am a fiend for purple). I’m feeling really good about the whole thing, which is nice.

    Relatedly, Toasties with maid-of-honoring experience, share your wisdom! This is only the second wedding I’ve been in, and the first as maid of honor, so advice is welcome!

    1. dakimel +5

      Oh I’m glad the boats sailed safely to you!

      Hearing that you get to pick your own dress in a superb color has made my morning! See, maybe everyone’s learning kindness (Dad’s slow on the learning curve) and clearly your sister values your standing at her side as she brings some guy to your side.

      My sis (I was matron of honor) wasn’t into any “Hey, Ladies!” kind of things as bride, but did want me on her dress-shopping excursion & we talked details about the wedding a ton. (As did Mom and I. Separate conversations. Had to become a bit of a vault, as each did their venting about each other to me. They still do that, I notice. Hmmm, I wonder if they ever talk about me?)

      We lived in different cities so I didn’t have to do any shower stuff. Sis had a neutral-city location for the wedding (New Orleans) so our bachelorette was based on a few emails back and forth between all the bridesmaids of “fortune telling!” “cemetery!” “Pat O’s!” etc then just mapping out a long afternoon/evening based on everything, including meeting the mom/aunt contingent at the oyster house before heading off for the nightlife stuff. Except I used my baby back at the hotel as an excuse to bail at that point and let the sylphs go bar-hopping without me, secure in the knowledge that herding the moms/aunts back the hotel was still a duty I was performing.

      And then it was reassuring her that her hair looked great and she was gorgeous, and holding her dress out of the way so she could pee, and ensuring that the kids all got cake, and making a speech that basically made fun of her for marrying anyone besides Sting or Harrison Ford (we grew up in the 70s & 80s), but with much affection, and that was it, job done.

      1. gripyfish +3

        They are the best boats; thank you so much!

        And, this is all good advice! I’m on the opposite side of the country from where the wedding/my sister is, so it’s probably going to be a lot of emails/skype chats/etc with the other bridesmaids to plan stuff, which is fine by me (though I’m a little sad to be missing out on helping her pick a dress, at least in person–she’s promised photos, though!). I’m already excited for/dreading possibly giving a speech, mainly because I’ll cry my way through the whole thing.

  49. kilks401 +4

    this is being downloaded to my computer as we speak! Cause clearly what I need is another game when I just played and finished all 3 Mass Effects in an embarrassingly short amount of time.

    Catching up on all those games I didn’t play for the last 5 years.

    edit: (response to pointing out Dragon Age is free for PC)

    1. literarysara +1

      I feel you, girl. Unfortunately Xbox Live just had a sale on ME2 and 3 expansion packs so this is pretty much what I do, all the time.

    2. BourneApprox +1

      Hooraaaaaaaay! Oo, also, does the free Origin copy come the Stone Prisoner DLC? (It should be free with new copies, so it might be included in a code that they email to you, I think?) Because Shale is a completely and totally awesome companion character – hilarious, and with some really interesting gender stuff going on.

  50. lemonadefish +27

    aaaand I’ve just realized that my shirt is entirely see-through. At least my bra is large and boring. Would anyone notice if I never came back from lunch?

    1. alicia +8

      I’ve had this same realization at work after lunch. I’ve also shown up for a morning meeting after a particular bad night of insomnia with a bra and jacket and no shirt.

      1. lemonadefish +7

        Goodness, that is scandalous! I have not yet forgotten an entire category of clothing. I hope it was the sort of jacket you can keep buttoned and look daringly fashionable.

        1. alicia +5

          Fortunately I have lightweight scarves stashed in my office so I was able to drape one over myself to cover the cleavage, but I did have to pretend I was colder than I really was all day.

      2. bookwormV +10

        I once sneezed in one-on-one tutorial at university and my dress split down the front. That was bad.

  51. queenofbithynia +31

    hey did you know that if you are super clever and combine two eggs and some cream and grated gruyere and a little nutmeg and pepper and salt and then put it in a little foil miniature pie tin and freeze it overnight so that you have a handmade frozen crustless quiche to eat for breakfast, you can put it in your bag and it will stay frozen for the hour or two between when you leave your house and go to the gym, leaving the frozen quiche tilted sideways in your bag inside a locker, until you arrive at work and put it in the work toaster oven to cook?

    ha ha, I am kidding, it does not stay frozen nearly that long. nothing works, everything is terrible, leather bags are ruined. and no breakfast.

    eta: how appropriate for Columbus Day, festival of pointless destruction

      1. queenofbithynia +9

        I thought that an object once frozen would tend to remain frozen, because that sounds like a science law. or that it would take as many hours to melt as it took to freeze, because that sounds like logic. but eggs keep their own counsel and do as they please I guess.

  52. lemonadefish +13

    I am having a party for babies! It is going to be utter and complete chaos I think. Only two or three of the babies invited can walk or crawl yet, so at least it will be fairly immobile chaos… Costume-wise, I have no idea. Something soft I guess, so no babies are impaled on it.

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      This sounds like a wonderful party! I would even bring my baby except now he is definitely a toddler, what with the walking around and saying ‘Noooooooooo’ to almost everything. (But he says it very cutely, sounding like he is singing.)

  53. paddlepickle +3

    Has anyone successfully conquered sleep problems? Specifically, the problem of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall back asleep for hours? I’ve been making sure the curtains are fully pulled, and covering up the lights from my modem and computer, and not drinking coffee after noon, and. . .trying not to look at screens before bed but sometimes I just need to watch more Gilmore Girls, yknow? Melatonin makes me dopey. Is it really just the screens thing is non-negotiable?

    1. houblonchouffe +5

      It is for me. Anything lit-up within 15-20 minutes of lights-out will screw with my sleep.

      Try breaking a melatonin in half (my doctor suggested this to me this spring and it’s surprisingly effective at staying asleep/no dopiness). If you really, really don’t want to take it, that’s understandable.

      Do you read in bed at all? Do you share a bed? I’ve found that the I-give-up method often works better than anything else for me. If I absolutely can’t fall back asleep after 15 minutes or so, I’ll go out to the living room and read until I get sleepy again and it almost always works.

      In any event: good luck. Sleep problems are Worst.

      1. kay_hay +4

        It’s screens, but…
        Nature documentaries with David Attenborough narrating
        Lord of the Rings with director commentary. Peter Jackson’s mellow NZ accent puts me to sleep.

    2. madprofessor789 +4

      yes! screens are indeed bad.

      it’s not great to lie awake in bed — it breeds bad sleeping habits. i read if i wake up in the middle of the night, or even get up and eat something (which often pushes me over the edge), or do a little mind-exercise of progressively trying to release tension in all parts of my body, starting with letting the eyebrows slide down the two sides of my face, and then on down. There are also meditation sound files online you can download for this — it is bizarrely effective.

    3. Fluffernutter +6

      Gilmore Girls has totally been screwing with my sleep schedule. I’ve been waking up earlier so I can watch an episode before I get ready for work. Why didn’t anyone warn me it is so addictive???

    4. chickpeas +1

      Try something with Valerian root — it doesn’t necessarily work for everyone, but it worked for me, and it capital-W WORKED. Kablammo, lights out, goodnight. It’s also fairly inexpensive, so if it doesn’t work for you, no big deal. I like this stuff: http://www.republicoftea.com/get-some-zzz%27s-her… but there are other, similar products around as well.

      It has a bit of a funky taste… not bad, just kind of “earthy” I guess.

      (in case it goes astray, this comment was in response to paddlepickle’s question about insomnia.)

      1. paddlepickle +13

        I’ve taken Valerian a few times but this one time I took it and it made me TRIP BALLS. Like, it didn’t fully put me to sleep so I was just lying there, definitely not asleep but also definitely interacting with a cartoon dog.

        Not to talk down your suggestion I just wanted to tell everyone about the cartoon dog.

    5. dakimel +5

      At least put f.lux or something on your screen, it’s weird and orange but it helps.

      For middle-of-the-night insomnia I generally try to keep still & dark & do some concentrated breathing, relax my muscles from toes up to head, and then pick some movie to tell myself in my head, something I know fairly well but I slow it down and think about as many details as I can from the opening onward (also works with Gilmore Girls episodes) and it forces my brain to stop with whatever other words it wants to sic on me if instead I am thinking, “and then at Luke’s they sat at the table in the window, and Rory put her backpack on the floor, and he came over and he was wearing his blue cap of course and took their menus away and….” – eventually my subconscious stops bugging me and the lengthy descriptions of the show turn into just images and then I’m asleep again.

      Of course, then there are the nights when I’ve run through three movies and am still awake, so I give up and read on my phone a while. Or I listen to podcasts, which is fantastic for getting me to sleep in the first place – Ira Glass and those people at Selected Shorts have no idea how helpful they are – but isn’t as reliable for getting me to fall back asleep in the middle of the night.

      1. girlofsandwich +5

        I love falling asleep to podcasts, the only difficult part is that I have only heard the first half of many TAL eps…I find Ira’s voice very soothing and it means that I get to lay in the dark with my eyes closed (good for sleep!) but still have a story to distract me from my brain chatter.

    6. Bryn (Plus Others) +5

      I am also having lots of trouble staying asleep at night; we were waking up to worry about our daughter’s birthday party but it happened (and went great! no tears!) and yet this morning I woke up at 4.30 to worry about … well there wasn’t anything so my brain latched on to worrying that I would not be able to find her school folder. Which was ridiculous on so many levels, since I knew right where it was! And even if I hadn’t, NOBODY WOULD CARE.

      I am blaming screens in my case, I watched 3 episodes of Sailor Moon and then a lot of gymnastics right before bed. 🙁

      1. Miss B +1

        I know everyone (“They”) all blame screen-time too close to bed-time for sleep issues, but…if I’m having trouble sleeping (or even if I’m not) I seriously never fall asleep better than if something innocuous (preferably something funny or something I’ve seen before) is playing in the background. I don’t have an actual television anymore, but years ago when I did, I would unfailingly fall asleep while watching it (and this true when I’m travelling and in a room with a tv). Is this just me? (I have weird sleep issues, so I’m quite prepared to believe it is just me, but if it isn’t, it would be nice to know.)

    7. AliasGrace +5

      I have the same problem and have discovered that listening to podcasts or the radio really helps. It needs to be at a volume that is just low enough so I have to concentrate a little bit to follow. 20 minutes and I am out cold.

    8. depizan +6

      I used to have major insomnia with lots of waking up at night and taking hours to fall asleep initially. The thing that helped the most was keeping a very rigid sleep schedule. Going to bed and getting up at the same time every night. I worked with a sleep doctor on keeping a sleep diary (this is the one I used http://yoursleep.aasmnet.org/pdf/sleepdiary.pdf) of middle of night wakings and how long it was taking to fall asleep–and then figuring out my average hours asleep to see how much time in bed I actually needed. For me, I was averaging 7 hrs 45 min asleep, so when I would try to go to bed at 10 and wake up at 7 or whatever, that was too long in bed, leading to all those awakenings. Because it was making the insomnia worse when I would stay in bed longer to try to make up that time I had lost with all those awakenings. So we did a concentrated sleep schedule, only staying in bed for exactly 7 hrs and 45 mins (no matter how I actually slept during that time), to force my body to get used to actually sleeping while it was in bed.
      Also, the book The Insomnia Answer by Paul Glovinsky was pretty helpful.

    9. samburgers +5

      Second the recommendation for f.lux if you’re going to use screens

      I also recently discovered that I’m SUPER sensitive to alcohol when it comes to my sleep patterns. Even like, 3 drinks a week (on different nights!) will vastly increase the odds that I wake up in the middle of the night. It’s the saddest discovery I’ve ever made, but I thought I’d share in case you’re similarly cursed.

    10. HotDoom +4

      Ugh that sucks so much dude, but I’ve been right there with ya. This week, I’ve had an amazingly good run of staying asleep, or if I wake up, falling right back to sleep. I also have more insomnia if any alcohol has been imbibed in the evening, but even if I haven’t I still wake up. Lately (as in, the past week), I’ve been wearing my sleep mask extra snug- like just short of uncomfortable snug. It seems like the extra dark+very slight pressure of the mask keeping my eyes closed just works really well. I’ve had some luck with melatonin, but it also makes me groggy if I have less than 8 hours of sleep (which is rare). Finally, and this is something I’ve trying to get better at, I’ve found that resignation that I will be sleep deprived the next day keeps the anxiety about that at bay. I think of the same image when I get to that point of “oh fuck. I am going to be fucked tomorrow morning” and that resignation+familiar image just helps me drift off. Finally, having a cool bedroom keeps me cozy. I feel like I’m hibernating that way, and combined with my eye mask, I just fuck right off to sleep.

    11. Es_Petal +1

      I wouldn’t say I’ve conquered it, but it’s a lot better than it used to be. I think it mainly depends on why you’re waking up – with me it’s stress, and always has been since I was little, and then when I split up with my ex a few years back I fell apart and wasn’t sleeping well at all, and then even when the stress faded it was a habit. I find having something on quietly in the background helps, so I have an ipod dock with audiobooks murmuring away, and sleepphones for when I’m not at home or sleeping in company, and I wear an eye mask so it’s dark as well. I still wake up in the night most nights, but it’s more often now turn over and go back to sleep, or if I wake up enough to realise I need a wee then I’m normally back to sleep within an hour these days.

  54. super_novice +25

    toasties. I came out to my parents, and it’s been shitty. While I think my dad has been waiting for one of his kids to come out his whole life so he could be a #cooldad about it, my mom is shocked and hurt and has been lashing out at me in pretty malicious ways.

    We live in different cities, so I’m just trying not to engage when she texts me things like “so are you going to cut all your hair off now?” and “exactly when did this start?”

    It’s been like three weeks and I’m already exhausted of having to prove it. My mom is convinced I’m dating a girl because it’s trendy (when realllllly I’m dating a girl because she’s the cutest thing i have ever seen.)

    Anyways! just a rant.

    1. Site_for_Soris +8

      ugh nooooooo. I’m so sorry. I wish your mom could have a safe bubble to say all these horrid things aloud for her own processing BUT NOT TO YOU. Is there anyone else in your family (maybe even #cooldad?) who you could ask to intervene and firmly tell her that such behavior is Not Cool and, in fact, hurtful?? Hugs to you!

      1. super_novice +26

        I think #cooldad is helping! For instance, my mom wanted to tell all of my relatives at Thanksgiving last night (I wasn’t there) to avoid “misrepresenting things” but #cooldad shut that shit right down. My siblings have been really great as well, so that’s been really helpful.

    2. betsymore +11

      Ugh ugh ugh ugh fuck that shit, I am so sorry.

      But YAY for dating a cute girl! I hope she is here for you as you deal with parental nonsense.

    3. laurenipsum +4

      Oh no, I’m so sorry that she’s being so mean. 🙁 I hope your dad can help temper her reaction.

    4. betsymore +24

      p.s. Please feel free to ignore this unasked for advice, but…from my experience, my dad (the one I typically have issues with) tends to believe things less the more I try to prove them to him. I’ve finally learned that (for him and for me, YMMV, of course), the only sanity-preserving course of action is to stop trying to prove it. Just live your life. Eventually it will become clear that you are not going through a “phase.” And in the meantime, “If you don’t want to take me at my word about who I am, I can’t make you. But I won’t keep debating it. So, how ’bout them Sportsing Team?” Repeat as necessary.

      1. super_novice +6

        I was actually going to edit my comment to include a request for advice, but was on my phone and didn’t bother, so your advice is welcome! I actually hadn’t thought of this, so thank you!

        1. betsymore +3

          You’re so welcome! Hope it helps. It took me a decade+ to figure this out; hopefully you will be able to train* your mom in less time. 🙂

          *RoseCamelia’s advice also being quite sound, IME.

    5. Hththe1st +7

      I think it’s awesome that you’ve already correctly identified at least part of what’s going on with your mom as shock. It sucks, but from the description you’ve given here, I think your chances are really good of this going away over time! She’s surrounded by family that is giving her good advice/modeling better behavior, and it seems like her annoying comments are just (really annoyingly framed) attempts to better understand what’s happening right now. She seems like the kind of person who is going to figure things out and be embarrassed at how ignorant she sounded and how hurtful she was to you. No guarantees, obviously, but from my experience, this seems a lot like that!

      Take care of yourself in the meantime!

    6. RoseCamelia +21

      I have been successful in training my parents with the same methods I use to train my dogs. I mean no offense to your parents. This is about mine.

      I refuse to respond to any undesirable behavior. Silence for parental inappropriate comments, turning my back and ignoring canine inappropriate behaviors. This works because I am liberal with interactions and encouragement when parents and dogs are behaving well. It’s the absence of my affection that is most effective in shutting down negative sounds (parental criticism, canine barking).

      1. ramina +8

        I do this to my ex-boyfriend. I respond to things that are okay, I do not acknowledge the things that are not.

    7. donkeywork +10

      When I came out to my mom, she instantaneously passed the bar exam and said, So you’re considered gay now? It was so weird and negating that I backed right into the same closet and we really never discussed it again (she died a few years later, probably just to avoid the conversation). Sounds to me like you’re doing a really good job of protecting yourself, and I agree with comments that your mom sounds like she’s just processing this in real time in a really inelegant manner. If you can hold your space, redirect anything that fails to embrace you as you are, and be present and affirming with all good input I’ll bet you get a pretty good family back in your corner before too long. In the meantime: Cute girlfriend! Nothing to sneeze at.

    8. drladybusiness +14

      I’m really sorry that your mom is being shitty, but I really want to congratulate you on coming out. Straight people do not know how much energy it takes even when everyone is nominally “supportive.” Double congratulations on your cute-ass girlfriend!

    9. EdgarAllanPoBoy +4

      I’m sorry (((hugs if you want them))) (((otherwise, here is a pat on the shoulder)))

    10. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

      Ugh I am so sorry. I hope your mom comes around. In the meantime, please try to remember you do not HAVE to prove it. It is okay to say ‘This is not a topic of conversation’ or whatever is the right words for you and change the subject or hang up the phone or whatever. Because it is not okay for your mom to be treating you like that!

    11. coloredlights +5

      One of the things that eventually helped my mom was seeing that I was actually still the same person (I waited 10 years to cut all my hair off, by which time she’d gotten over it), so the more you can act like your same usual self, the more your mom will realize that nothing has changed. My mom was scared of “alternative lifestyles” and convinced I would have a difficult, unhappy life, but behaving like my regular self (after a year or so of being an unhelpful rebellious 19-year-old) helped her realize there was nothing to be scared of, and my life is neither difficult nor unhappy.

      I think not engaging with her questions is probably a good way to go, though short, genuine answers could also be helpful. I was actually encouraged when my mom started asking questions after a long period of avoidance – I’d much rather she ask me than assume things.

    12. GruntledDave +3

      Oh man, I am so very sorry. I’m glad at least one of your folks is being #cool about it, though. Maybe your dad will sit your mom down at some point and talk to her about being an ally?

  55. grumblyqueer +5

    Mainsplaining Story of the Week: my friend’s little sister is buried in a sea of college apps, and her dad keeps helpfully suggesting more and more colleges for her to look into- this liberal arts school in a freezing hellscape, and this safety where a friend of his works, and what about Stanford, surely everyone wants to go to Stanford, right? I’m told he bulldozes through “I’ll look into it” and tries to convince her out of refusals with a personally wounded attitude. Any advice I can give her?

    1. RoseCamelia +10

      “You are such a good dad.” Variations on that message is what he needs to hear. That message may not change his behavior, though. She needs goddess-level patience and I feel for her. But there are worse problems than excessive parental love.

    2. dakimel +13

      How about if she gives him specific parameters and asks him to help her research those places he suggests? It’s entirely possible that he just doesn’t have a clue how college research is done now. I graduated high school in 1988 & it was all word-of-mouth / the big state schools / flipping through a tiny-print guidebook in my school counselor’s office, then writing away for prospectuses and application materials, etc. When my son was applying to colleges last year and it was a matter of common app / Naviance / college board and barely a piece of paper in sight, it was a notable difference. And most parents of high-school seniors are my age or older (or way older; I was 25 when I had that kid) and they don’t always get how different the process is now.

      Maybe if she makes a spreadsheet that lists a few places she IS applying to, with columns like “accepts common app” and “avg SAT score” and “acceptance rate” and “application cost” and “tuition” plus whatever her particular parameters are – “marine science program” and “mid-sized town” and “below the Mason-Dixon line” – which will show Dad that she has a PLAN and isn’t just throwing darts at the internet, that she has a safety or two all lined up, and a reach school. Then when Dad has ideas, make him go to that college’s site and find out if it is a good match based on her parameters. If he can prove that his buddy’s safety school also has a kickass marine science program, and wants to shell out the $60 to send her common app there, then let him have that one.

    3. LeastBittern +5

      Poor woman! I remember this phase in my life. Here are the scripts I used to stonewall the parental figures

      “Dad, college applications take time, and I need time to get the grades to go to college and also to be a person. We need to filter these down!”
      “Dad, you can’t propose a school without doing a little research first! Can I afford to go there? What kind of student debt can I expect? Does it have a good reputation in the program’s I’m interested in?”
      “I don’t want to go there and the application fee is $120. Do you want me to spend $120 on applying to a place I have no interest in attending?”

  56. Catandrist +7

    Dropping in to say I received my first Toast Postcard (Toastcard? Toastcard!) yesterday and it has spooky CATS on it so thank you Toastcard pal because cats are pretty much my #1 thing in life so you were right on point! Also, I found some sweet old postcards at a flea market in Woodstock NY this weekend so my Toastcards will be in the mail post haste!

    1. donkeywork +2

      Wow, someone I know through FB lives there and finds the most *incredible* things at flea markets. I want to go to there.

  57. paddlepickle +1

    Oooh I’ll try half a melatonin, thanks! And I should probably be more strict on the screens thing. I try to have some light stuff to read in bed, like comic books or a novel that’s not too serious, because when I’m reading a serious novel I don’t want to read about death and violence and mental illness right before I fall asleep (so few serious novels that aren’t onslaughts of death and violence and mental illness!) But right now I’m out of light reading material so it’s all Gilmore Girls. Do you find it’s leaving bed specifically that helps you get sleepy again?

    1. houblonchouffe +1

      Kind of, yes. Stress is a big part of my sleep trouble (ie, not being able to quiet my brain down). When I’m just… awake, in bed, staring at the ceiling? That is SO stressful for me, just a constant stream of thoughts and worry about not getting enough sleep and it keeps me awake. If I just say, well, fuck it, I’ll get whatever sleep I get and to hell with the consequences–and then go read (I’d do it in bed, but PartnerChouffe probably wouldn’t appreciate that), I’m asleep MUCH faster.

  58. madprofessor789 +8

    hello from my anonymous burner account!

    would anyone have advice or encouragement for me? this is not a usual thing for me to complain about, usually i love teaching, but i am about at the end of my tether with a freshman-only seminar that i’m teaching.

    it’s about half filled with the usual great, smart, lively freshmen, but i have 3-4 other students who are wildly terrible. They mean well (or they did at the start of the semester anyway), but they really Do Not Get the point of just about anything i’ve been teaching. They clearly have had very little exposure to literature, ever, and it is clearly a useless thing to them, except for conveying information like plot points. Close-reading makes no sense to them at all, and they have dragged down the level of the class to the point that I feel like I might be losing nearly everyone there. My syllabus is appropriate for a standard class at this university, but not these students, who are not at the usual level — and I have no desire to teach remedial lit, certainly not with this set of course materials. (it’s also not fair to the other good students who signed up for a high-power seminar). our discussions are dreadful. they form a little block in the class — they are all varsity athletes and know each other.

    My 3-4 guys try to understand a poem by Shelley by drawing on lessons from Tuesdays with Morrie, in a totally unironic way — which would be fine, if it took them to somewhere where they think critically about both — but instead their response is ” shelley is saying exactly what Morrie says, sleep is a kind of death, literally, period.” so it just kills any conversation. They also do things like ask my advice on how to choose an appropriate topic for a paper, then they write back to me to say they’ve thought better of what I’ve said and are not going to take my advice — with NO awareness of the issues or why I just advised the reverse. That’s what kills me — not even the disrespectful part, but the part where they don’t have the skills/awareness to see the existence of what they don’t understand!! As far as I can tell, for them, what they don’t understand must not even exist. It’s the whole Dunning-Kruger effect, except that they don’t just see their own ineptitude as normal/good/high-skilled, they also seem to see me as crazy/unreliable for trying (unsuccessfully) to show them this whole other world out there that could be theirs if they want it to be.

    This is supposed to be a seminar for freshmen, but high-powered freshmen, not a remedial class. I feel like if I cater to either end, I lose half the class — and freshmen are hypersensitive to the opinions of their peers, so losing some of them is probably losing all of them. I am tempted to just give up on them now and just focus on my research and forget it, which is obviously bad — but they now take up so much extra time of mine with nonsense — and I am starting to actively dislike them for doing things like yawning in class. They don’t even meet me halfway. Any teachery people with advice? My only plan right now is to dream up tons and tons and tons of in-class writing assignments, but obviously I can’t do that forever. And normally teaching is my favorite part of my job — I feel really bad about just DISLIKING this class.

      1. allanaaa +16

        FLUNK THEM. Academia should be unforgiving.

        Have you tried structuring the in-class discussions to the point where they can’t dominate the conversation? Like going around the circle, or something? Splitting everyone into groups so that each of those boys can’t be reinforced by the other ones? (Please don’t segregate them in one group for the sake of letting everyone else have a break from them. I think that’s bad form.)

        1. madprofessor789 +5

          This would cause my student evaluations to tank, and I’m not willing to risk that — they are too important to my future.

          (see, so many problems with student evaluations! I wish we could get back the days of senior professors observing other people’s classes instead of student evaluations. It’s usually fairer and you get more thoughtful feedback).

          1. freshwaterpearl +6

            I wish we could get back the days of senior professors observing other people’s classes

            Is that how they used to do it? That sounds so much more useful than student evals alone.

    2. ru_ri +8

      Oh, this sounds really tough. I’m sorry you are having to deal with these jerks.
      Not sure what your situation is, but my response would be to make it very clear to everyone that the Inepts are not adequate to the task of being in your seminar. It may sound mean, but put them in a situation that makes it very clear that they’re inept. Then leave them in the dust. Give their input as little attention is possible, and focus on the better elements of the class. Can you make a good connection with the brighter students and let them shine? Be as positive as possible, have fun engaging them, and let the Inepts founder. It sounds like they are not interested in what you are teaching, so you should have no problem failing them or giving them a low grade. If they yawn in class, tell them they’re welcome to leave if they need a nap! It sounds like a small seminar but I would definitely cater to the promising students. Try to find the enjoyment you usually experience in teaching with them, and let the others go.
      That’s just my two cents–the people and situations where I teach are probably different, but I simply won’t put effort into students who don’t reciprocate.
      Anyway, remember you are a badass who knows her stuff, and who can open wonderful doors to those who are willing to go through them. Good luck!

    3. literarysara +5

      I feel a bit cagey about giving advice without knowing more about the class and your learning goals, but just to throw this out there: I’m a huge fan of group work that allows the students to model good reading and interpreting practices to each other. I know group work is not always popular but I think it’s nice to take critical thinking out of the teacher-student dynamic, which can sometimes feel like “I think and you judge whether I’m thinking hard enough.” Maybe if your reticent students get a close-up look at other students doing the kind of work you expect, they will take it more to heart?

      For example, let’s say you have 5 groups of 4 students, and they each work on interpreting a different chunk of text for the first half of class. In the second half, the groups are reorganized into 4 groups of 5, and they have to explain to each other what they covered in the first half, and then build on their collective responses to interpret the whole. You float around and answer questions and make sure everyone’s more or less pulling their weight.
      Also, Fishbowl: assigning a few students to give a presentation on a text, a few students to a panel of critical response to the presentation, and then open to the discussion to the class. The students can consider their classmates’ responses when revising their presentations into papers.

      1. madprofessor789 +10

        Thanks all for advice. I had been having them do some group work but I might do more. It’s only a 12-person class (because it is supposed to be high-powered, exciting, high-level!) so each person has a big effect on the overall dynamic.

        I am pretty sure some of certain students’ unthinkingly dismissive responses to things I’ve said or put out there is very gendered. Dismissive because I’m a blonde woman, and also wanting mothering/”niceness” (sometimes they are weirdly direct about this — I once had a giant muscular young man say in office hours that a grade I gave was hurting his self-esteem and that he “needed to be nurtured”!).

        Normally I am good at a kind of “benevolent detachment” in teaching, but this class has been driving me nuts — nuts — nuts. Thanks for the encouragement. Will create a more structured class for them for next week, and carry on.

        1. betsymore +5

          Until you wrote this description of yourself, I thought you were a friend of mine who is going through something similar, ha. But she’s def not blonde.

          In general, since these dudebros are in the minority, I would not adjust the class discussion down to their level. The other students will resent that. And if you have to be resented by some portion of the class, better it’s the smaller, less serious portion than the larger, dedicated portion. Make clear that you are happy to talk to them during office hours if they want to understand how they can improve, but don’t cater to their ignorance.

          I guess sometimes, when you have an instance where they draw some kind of inane comparison like the Shelley/Morrie (oh god that hurts to even write, I’m sorry) one tactic might be to ruthlessly bring them back to the text at hand. “Where in the poem do you see that? What words/images/etc equate sleep with death?” and then turn it back to the whole class, “Ok, what else is going on with this metaphor? Why is this the choice that someone like Shelley, writing in this time and place, might make? What does [scholar whose work you’re reading that day] have to say about this poem?” That way you engage the comments, but don’t let them take over the conversation.

          But…sometimes the class dynamic just sucks. There are things you can do to help, and it sounds like you’re doing them. But some of it is just in the particular group dynamic. If it’s any consolation, in my experience, the other students know where the problem lies, and will place the judgment appropriately. So don’t be too hard on yourself – to a certain extent, it’s not in your control. And we ALL have those classes every once in awhile, no matter how dedicated we are to teaching.

          Finally, BARF to the “nurturing” comment. What did you say to that?! I would have been speechless. I’ve definitely gotten a lot of “this grade makes me feel so worthless!” crying in my office, but never an explicit demand that I mother them. I usually handle the former by pointing out (as I’m sure you do) that a grade is not a reflection on one’s fundamental worth, merely on the quality of the work turned in on that particular assignment. In top programs, in particular, I find that students find it hard to separate those two things, since their whole lives they’ve had their high grades equated with “intelligence” and their general status as human beings. (Not that those of us who got PhDs would know anything about that…)

    4. ramina +7

      I adopted a very “survival of the fittest” attitude when I was adjuncting, as much as I tried to help and be helpful for the students that belligerently didn’t get it or even want to be there. It’s unfair to the rest of the students, you said it yourself. As awful as it sounds, you can only teach for the students that care about what you are doing. If they don’t give any varieties of shits, there’s no saving them.

      I taught the so-called “rocks for jocks” class and yeah, sorry, I don’t care if you’re on the football squad (/homestarrunner), if you don’t do the work at a reasonable level, you are not going to get a good grade in my part of class.

      1. madprofessor789 +1

        oh, I agree. Mine aren’t belligerent yet, so much as… totally clueless. But if they were belligerent, I would be right with you.

        I have adopted perhaps a stupid attitude, but am trying to take advantage of their being first semester freshmen from really uneven backgrounds, and have written back individually to each one in re: their response papers, to see if I can directly intervene to get something to shift in their brains about what is going on in the class. And/or guilt them into more effort through my effort. The paradigm shift needs to happen! It feels sort of like using forceps with a blindfold on. If they’ll just get the concept that we are indeed arguing about actual claims with evidence, and not just using fancy language pointlessly to say nothing of substance! (yes, sadly, that is the level to which we have dropped). And if not, more structure and a lot less caring… but I am still holding out just a little bit more, I guess, I realized, talking this out.

        1. ramina +2

          I hope that they can make the best with what is left in the semester. I’d say that the overwhelming majority of my students (probably 85%) were either really into what I was trying to show, or at least didn’t make a big stink – but there was always an asshat or two in the back that would just…ugh. I went out of my way to make myself accessible and approachable as a professor, especially in a freshman class! but there’d always be someone that just did. not. want. to. be. there. and got railroaded into filling the science requirement with my class, and like…yeah, I took classes I hated too, but I always gave my professors the respect they deserved because lord knows they were trying their best to teach us.

          Good luck. <3

    5. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      I have never taught at a university or anything like that, so of course take all of this with a grain of salt, but do you have TAs? Or a study resource centre? Student tutors? Or any other resources that you can gently point these children to (or put on top of them) and say ‘Here, this is your thing, you do this while I work with the rest of the class?’ In a nice polite respectful way, of course.

      And … can you talk to them about not being at the level that the class is designed for? Obviously you do not want to make them feel crappy if you can help it, but … if they showed up for an elite gymnastics class and couldn’t do a cartwheel, it would not be the job of the teacher to dial the class down for them.

    6. LeastBittern +11

      It is so weird how three-four people who don’t like the class and are also in a clique can just TANK a class and make everything ten times more difficult.

      My experience is that insisting everyone dissect a squid at the beginning of a class gives you a couple solid hours after they flounce off in disgust to teach things and do cool demonstrations.

      That… might be Biology specific.

      1. RoseCamelia +3

        The best college teachers I know begin each semester with one or two truly challenging assignments. They remain flexible on how they grade them, but use them to scare away the students who do not belong. For one prof, “Weeding” is the title for the first lesson plan every semester.

        1. safvn +4

          My professor for a freshmen southern literature class had us start with reading Absolom, Absolom. We didn’t have to read it quickly – I think we had either a week and a half or two weeks and had to read a third or a quarter of the book for each class – and the “paper” in response to it was just a two-page reflection. But still. Man, did a lot of people high-tail it outta there.

        2. madprofessor789 +4

          Sadly we don’t have the numbers for that anymore… and I need the numbers, for my own sake.

          Humanities are getting starved from all sides. You can’t give people excuses to starve you more. Otherwise that strategy would be delightful.

      2. betsymore +2

        I am totally doing this the next time I teach the history of women and work in the United States since 1800.

  59. paperbgprincess +13

    So I’ve finished the first season of Gilmore Girls and I don’t understand why it’s not the Emily Gilmore Show, because she is great and Lorelai is kind of the worst. Am I supposed to feel this way?

    1. ppyajunebug +7

      I’ve found that’s pretty common when people didn’t watch the show as it aired. I mean, Emily Gilmore remains the most fabulous character on the show (what I wouldn’t give for her and Lucille Bluth to have a show together), but Lorelai is very tough to like if you don’t have a history with her. Hopefully you’ll like her more, because the greatest Emily zingers have yet to appear.

      1. paperbgprincess +5

        I can definitely see how I’d probably identify with Lorelai more if I’d watched this show when I was younger. But I am almost the age she is supposed to be in the show, and I just want to say COME ON!!!!!! and shake her by the shoulders sometimes.

        1. lilsebastian01 +13

          Someone in a past Toast thread on Gilmore Girls pointed out that Lorelai is basically what children want to believe adulthood will be like, so it makes sense that she’s not fun to watch if you see her for the first time as an adult.

    2. bluebluebaby +11

      Yes, yes you are. (In my dream world, Emily and Paris would have a spinoff and there would be NO BOYS ALLOWED)

        1. bluebluebaby +9

          RIP BUNHEADS, gone before Melanie had the chance to become the queer lady she was meant to be :,(

        2. EdgarAllanPoBoy +3

          The very last scene of Bunheads (not the credits dance number) broke my heart! Although it was unjustly cancelled, I think that was a nice bittersweet moment to end on.

    3. Fluffernutter +2

      Wait till Season 2! There is a moment involving Emily, a fashion show, and some very unexpected facial expressions/ dance moves that very nearly made me laugh myself to death last night!

    4. eegghh +6

      Hahaha. I find your sympathies towards particular Gilmores change a lot as you grow up. I’m now on team Trix, the OG Lorelai.

      The thing about Rory and Lorelai is that they don’t actually contribute good to the world that much. Everyone makes out what an angel Rory is, but the few times you see her volunteer she’s usually whining. Lorelai does some nice things once in a while, but she’s also pretty bratty to all her town buddies, and she never misses a chance to get a dig in at Emily. When you are 16 the Gilmores seem PERFECT, but as adult they’re way less likable.

      I think Lorelai ends up having good moments, and I am definitely more fond of her overall. But yes, if you watch as an adult it’s team Emily.

    5. Linette +12

      I may be pretty biased here because I have an emotionally abusive mother, but while Lorelei is giddy and annoying, Emily is often a Grade A bitch and if you try to imagine those cutting comments being the soundtrack of literally your entire life growing up, you can start to realize why Lorelei is so very hurt by them coming up again and again and again as an adult.

      When you have someone correcting you every thirty seconds, you never get a chance to breathe. Emily’s pretty charming in short snippets but she would be horrible to live with. Here’s a quick scene from one of the first seasons:

      Lorelei needs a loan. Emily wants to pay for the loan. Lorelei refuses, knowing there will be strings attached because there always are. Emily insists, and insists, and makes an appointment against Lorelei’s wishes, and then tells Lorelei that she will be a terrible, rude, ungrateful person if she doesn’t take the appointment she specifically said she did not want. Emily appears at this meeting, and Lorelei is eventually forced to ask her to cosign the loan.

      Then Emily is hurt by the suggestion that there would be strings attached and Lorelei is guilt-tripped into apologizing for making that assumption. AFTER WHICH Emily tells her that she will be having her DAR meetings at Lorelei’s inn. Once again, without asking.

      Lorelei is told over and over again that she is not allowed to have any boundaries whatsoever. Is it really so hard to understand why she hardlines those boundaries so aggressively up front? When this is what happens when she doesn’t defend her boundaries well enough? When she’s not allowed to solve any problems the way she wants to, when her entire experience of her relationship with Emily is gaslighted and then proven true again and again?

      Emily is a well-written character. She can be very charming and she has a lot of the best lines. But she is a terrible, horrible mother and I would have run away from her too.

      1. Linette +8

        (Not defending Lorelei’s annoyingness as a character, because she can be very annoying indeed. But it’s kind of understandable that she would hold so aggressively onto doing the frivolous, fun things she wanted to do her entire life and only now has the freedom to do. If Emily hadn’t been such a controlling manipulative bitch all the time, maybe she’d have gotten all the frivolity out of her system by the time she reached adulthood. But she didn’t, and she is stuck in trying to relive her own childhood properly WHILE being a mother herself, and is as a result very annoying as an adult character.

        Meanwhile, her daughter is constantly telling her that she doesn’t try hard enough to be nice to parents who very rarely make any attempt to be nice to her, and in fact far more often actively try to violate her boundaries, manipulate her, and insult her. So she’s getting the gaslighting from both sides – no, Lorelei, having your parents run your life the way they want to is totally reasonable, why can’t you just be NICER about letting them do whatever they want to you?)

  60. RoseCamelia +6

    Toastfolk, I solicit your wisdom. I have opportunity to accompany my Beloved on a business trip to Philadelphia in December. If I let my current fatigue decide, I go nowhere. But I find fatigue makes poor choices. What say you? If I go, what should I do there?

    1. BreezyK +4

      I live in Philadelphia right now and I love it! In December there is the Christmas Village in LOVE park – which is great even if you are not that into Christmas because of the main tent that has all these amazing wooden crafts that are crazy expensive, but awesome to look at. There are also a lot of other Christmas/holiday shopping extravaganzas, some more craft oriented then others. Also, the food scene in Philly is really one of the best going, especially because many of the best restaurants are BYOB. I am moving from Philly at the end of December for work reasons, and I am really really going to miss it!

      I also just really like sleeping in hotels (especially because I have a 16 month old!) so the idea of being able to sleep in, read a book in bed and perhaps get some breakfast delivered to me sounds like heaven right now!

    2. SmrtCookie +6

      If you are the kind of person who gets super busy and stressed during the December time of year I would say don’t go. If not maybe you can talk your current fatigued self into it. If your future self is just as fatigued you can hole up in the hotel room, read some books, eat some food and totally skip touristy stuff. Which sounds great. If you’re less fatigue-y you can adjust accordingly.

      1. RoseCamelia +3

        Oh, this is so wise. Thank you. I do not participate in retail events masquerading as holidays, so December holds no particular distractions. But I see your point about going anyway and using the time for rest if that’s what I need.

    3. literarysara +8

      What’s your bag? We have a lot of excellent museums of various sorts: a few for art and old things, a sciency one with a heart you can crawl through if there are no kids around, a mediciny one with medical oddities, and–a little further out of the city–all manner of shrines to architecture, history, and junk (literal junk).
      We have food. So much food, very excellent food.
      If your fatigue lifts or is somewhat assuaged by leisurely strolls, we have lots of things that are worth seeing and somewhat accessible from Center City hotels: murals everywhere, cobblestone streets and old buildings, a “magic garden” constructed of bottles and plates and bike wheels.
      Oh, and performance art. Sometimes inexpensive.

      1. RoseCamelia +2

        I apologize for leaving out that I am familiar with Philadelphia. I lived there for five years in the 90s. I’m looking for recommendations on anything new (since the 90s) or events taking place in December. But thanks for reminding me I need to see the Center City murals again. And where is the magic garden, please?

        1. projectbeks +1

          The Magic Garden is on South Street, around 11th, I think? My museum is contemporary arty stuff, and we are having a very weird exhibition opening up on the 12th. So if you like that sort of thing, I can give you more info. It involves performance, and video, and primordial ideas of self (like I said, weird), but it looks like it’s going to be very cool.
          I also second whoever said staying in the hotel and reading/sleeping was a good way to use the trip to relax. Excellent idea, and you can potentially decamp to the hotel lobby/bar/lounge/whatever for munchies/beverages.

    4. gripyfish +1

      Do you enjoy science history? If you haven’t been to the Chemical Heritage Foundation, you should go–their permanent exhibit is pretty great, and I know they have an exhibit on alchemical manuscripts starting in December: http://www.chemheritage.org/visit/museum/exhibits…. (full disclosure: my girlfriend works at CHF, so I am biased).

      If you don’t mind being outdoors, or will have a car, there’s always going to look at the lights on Boathouse Row one evening. I thiiink the Constitution Center will have their Bill of Rights exhibit up around that time (if not already), so that’s also a museum-y option, as well.

      1. RoseCamelia +2

        ooo! How did you know? My Beloved is attending some science conference and he is a biochemist. As his favorite (cheapest) editor, I would enjoy the Chemical Heritage Foundation. How did I never know about this when I lived in Philadelphia? Oh, that’s right, I left soon after I met the Beloved and had no connection to chemistry before that.

    5. extrayarn +2

      The Zoo has made significant improvements since the 90s. You can go and see tigers OVER YOUR HEAD, it’s really cool. And if you get a nice December day there won’t be anybody there, so you can look at everything as long as you want.

      I know a lot of people think Stephen Starr is overrated but I love Alma de Cuba and El Vez. And had the best bread EVER at Dandelion. Barbuzzo is a great restaurant that’s not Stephen Starr, and also Federal Donuts. (Yeah, I spend a lot of my downtown time eating.)

      Have you been to the Rosenbach Museum? The Sendak exhibit will be gone soon but they also have a cool exhibit of children’s literature going until January. There’s also the new Barnes Museum, finally.

      1. RoseCamelia +3

        I am so excited to know the Barnes is back! I am actually vibrating. That decides it. I am going and I am prioritizing a visit to the Barnes. I would love to see what has become of the zoo, too. I love being outdoors when it’s cold. And you had me at “bread”. The Dandelion will go on the list.

        Not so tired anymore. You have rejuvenated me. Thank you.

        1. extrayarn +2

          Perfect. The bread is technically in the Welsh Rarebit but it is amazing. Like, I think I had an entree too but I don’t remember what it was, it was that good. Sticky Toffee Pudding also pretty good. Hope you have a great trip!

  61. lemonadefish +9

    @paddlepickle: You can also download f.lux to turn your screens yellower as the night gets later, which will help if you are always cheating at the no screens business. The normally blue light of computers reads like daylight, and so is very wakening. But mostly you shouldn’t screen, and also you’re not supposed to read in bed, though I don’t know what you are supposed to do if you don’t. Perhaps the missing sleep hygiene tip from all those lists is to masturbate to sleep, any and every time you wake.

  64. dakimel +8

    Today is the best day ever.

    Because on Wednesday morning we woke up with a dead opossum on our patio. (Yes, we checked he wasn’t just playing. Waited 4 hours while he baked hotter & hotter – it’s still hot here – in the sun, just to be sure.)

    So I scooped him into a box and then a bag and then another bag and put him in the bin. Where he has been decomposing for 5 days, with the stench and the flies and all, by the back door.

    But today the nice people are coming with their loud trucks to take him to the landfill. My dog will miss him, I’m sure, but his mama (I think) and siblings are still around, so she has plenty to bark at come 2 am.

  67. elsajeni +42

    So I still occasionally look at DogeWeather, to see what the doge has to say, and I think this is the first time I’ve looked at it during a storm:

    Poor li’l scaredy doge.

    2. houblonchouffe +6

      DogeWeather is open literally all the time on my iPad. Sometimes he has a nightcap on, sometimes he has a flashlight (when it’s foggy), and when it’s super cold he has on a tiny parka. Best weather site ever.

    3. dakimel +3

      A) never seen that, but is a very close approximation to my house right now, in this thunderstorm
      B) a fellow Houston Toastie?? I’m not the only one in this city of millions? Huzzah!

      1. elsajeni +3

        Yes! Hi! I recognize your name, aren’t you the one whose son’s band uniform has insufficient epaulettes?

        (My cat is almost certainly under a couch right now, too. We moved her here from Portland, where it makes the local news if someone sees lightning, and she doesn’t approve of this newfangled “thunder” business at all.)

        1. dakimel +3

          That’s me! Mother of the insufficiently epauletted.

          Boy can your cat ever be glad there were no hurricanes this year. (Well, I guess: not yet.) Not that we haven’t seen some storms. Another month and those should pass, and we’ll just have quiet rain.

  68. Hththe1st +9

    Honestly, as a lazy/frequently fatigued person, I’d say that someone else’s business trip is the world’s best way to travel. You are not on the hook for entertaining anyone for the whole trip! If you want to spend a ton of it watching tv in your hotel room, you can! (But probably you won’t want to. Probably you’ll find something fun to do for at least part of it, that you feel up to!)

    1. RoseCamelia +4

      You may be on to something. A few days without dogs to care for sounds good right now. Thanks.

  69. paddlepickle +12

    Sooo. . .I’m guessing that since I’m watching it for the first time as an adult (in the middle of season 1 now) but it’s still kind of what I hope adulthood is going to be like, I may be suffering from some issues?

    With the exception that if adulthood were like that for me I’d have made out with that Bruce-Springsteen-look-a-like from the coffeeshop AGES ago.

  70. emlorark +15

    Same-sex marriage is legal in Alaska (at least for a time)! http://www.adn.com/article/20141012/state-vows-ap…

    I am particularly excited, because I perform weddings at the courthouse as part of my job, so I may get to perform some same-sex weddings! We already have one couple signed up for next week (you have to wait 3 days after applying for your license to gt married in AK, so no historic Monday morning weddings, unfortunately). I just love doing weddings so much, and this just adds a whole new level of joy.

    Plus, AK doesn’t celebrate Columbus day, which is good for moral reasons, but does celebrate Alaska Day on Friday, so I still get a day off this week. So, in conclusion, everyone should move to AK.

  71. DeepBlueC +2

    Ooof, that’s seriously annoying. Any chance her school has a reasonable college counselor she could make an appointment with to bring her dad to? Maaaybe if he heard from a professional that no, applying to 20 schools is totally unnecessary, and no, Friend’s Little Sister is interested in studying tropical climates and Freezing Hellscape College does not have a strong program for that, he’d back off a little. ETA: in response to grumblyqueer’s mansplaining dilemma.

  72. Unreadaethel +1

    I have today off from work (not for Columbus Day, I just don’t work on Mondays), which means I’m in my second day where absolutely nobody needs anything from me! Last week at work was hellacious and miserable, so I’m very excited about this chance to do my hausfrau thing (and build plant racks for when I need to bring all of my plants inside). My poor, neglected garden is finally getting some love.

    Oh, and I’m getting two commissions at work! Which is, I suppose, an advantage of my boss leaving me alone in the store ALL DAY Friday, so that I had to talk to customers, rather than getting my own work done.

  73. SmrtCookie +1

    Since it’s Thanksgiving and all, how does everyone parse out who goes where and when for holidays? I talked to my parents this weekend and they assumed that I’d be bringing the boyf to their place? Because he wouldn’t want to spend it with his family? Or I wouldn’t want to stay home rather than fight the masses? Or we might not offer to host? I’m now expecting to battle with them and really not looking forward to it. Grrr, holidays.

    1. GlowCloud +2

      My fiance and I mostly just take turns. For whatever reason his family tends to have holidays a few days earlier than my folks, so it’s worked out. This year may also be a battleground.

      Also, whatever you do, take a day for yourself somewhere in the mix. We always reserve Christmas Eve for Die Hard and Chinese takeout.

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      Mmmmn, when this was an issue for us & our partner we just decided what we would do and announced it and then shut them down if they complained. Which was a lot of work but much much better than trying to navigate the sticky fields of people thinking they are entitled to our time.

      (How it actually worked out was we never travelled for Thanksgiving, and we did 1 Christmas @ home, 1 w/our parents, 1 w/his parents, repeat. Why no we did not like our families very much why do you ask?)

      1. Beakses +3

        We are fairly fond of our families, but we still don’t travel for Thanksgiving because when people live entire plane rides (or multiple plane rides) away there’s no civilized way to do so without taking basically an entire week off of work. Plus when we have thanksgiving at our place the leftovers are in our fridge, where they belong 😛

  74. AliasGrace +8

    Online dating adventures update thread! I went on a date with a seemingly nice person last night who turned out to be truly, staggeringly bad at kissing. SADFEELS

    1. eegghh +20

      Eesh. I once fell madly in love with a “sophisticated” older man that I pined for for months and months and then hooked up with pretty rapidly post end of my relationship, and he kissed like….he just held his mouth open. I compare it best to trying to make out with the rim of a coffee mug. What a let down. I thought he was going to transport me into this sophisticated older man lovemaking, and instead…mug mouth.

        2. AliasGrace +1

          Indeed. If I ever meet a mug mouth kisser I will start giggling madly and won’t be able to tell them why.

    2. ramina +3

      I have a fourth date tonight and I am just not feeling it right now but I don’t really know how to say “hey I’m not digging it as much as I was in the beginning sorry bro”

      I mean it’ll probably end up being just like that but I need to figure out when/how to say that most appropriately because I think I’ve already breached the threshold?

      1. robotneedslove +2

        ASAP! That’s all I have for you. You’re allowed to feel that way, it’s totally fine, and the nicest thing you can do is let him down quickly. Like, give him a call and tell him that.

    3. AmazingSandwich +5

      I’m pretty sure I’ve never kissed anyone who was good at kissing, so I am also probably likewise terrible.

      1. AliasGrace +3

        Well, if you’re not actively trying to choke the other person to death with your tongue, you’re probably doing alright..

  75. donkeywork +4

    Thankgsgiving! Still waiting for my damn editing test to come! Waiting on mail that will not come today because its some kind of federal bullshit day here in the US, Smallpox Blanket Appreciation or something. So today I will: recoil at the memory of reading The Godfather this weekend (it was in the house and my other book didn’t come in the mail!), not engage in intimate grooming, eat a croissant for lunch with a nice cup of coffee, and beatbox the fuck out of the rest of the afternoon in hopes of earning an honorary maple leaf.

  76. kttbe +7

    I just want to know where I can get that sweater that Nicole used to illustrate the post!

    Toasties, I went to a comedy show the other night and one of the comics was wearing this GREAT green wool sweater with a pretty detailed ram’s head on the back and now I need all the cozy sweaters with animals on them.

  77. paddlepickle +10

    Haha oh man, that is totally the worst part. Your brain is just like “Why hello! Time to wake up and fixate on all your worst anxieties, and in the event there aren’t any big ones right now we’ll make some up! Now, all of your friends are definitely going to couple up and leave you the only single person, if you don’t die in a hurricane first”

  78. J... +1

    Ooh, I love the rainbow floral version of those spectacle earrings.

    I would like to shamelessly promote my music blog. It’s still a baby, and it lives here: http://rosetonedpdx.co/
    (Also, any Portland Toasties that want to write a thing for a music blog, hit me up! I will buy you a drink!)

  79. paddlepickle +5

    Did you reallllly like him aside from that? Cause, a good friend of mine gave a bad-kisser some time to figure things out and he’s gotten much better and now they’re all in love and shit! I think he was just really, really inexperienced.

    1. AliasGrace +3

      Nah… I mean he was ok and I miiiight have gone for a second date otherwise but I definitely did not like him enough to put up with that nonsense.

  80. paddlepickle +7

    Curse you Gilmore Girls! I think it’s particularly addictive for binge-watching because there’s soooo much of it that you don’t have any motivation to slow down and savor it. I’ve been watching it so much and I’m still in Season 1 and there’s like eighty billion hours left.

  81. teresamackadoo +2

    Toast Folk, can I crowd source some fashion advice? I’m buying this dress in green for a wedding: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/bb-dakota-renley-lace…

    And I have no idea what shoes to wear. Suggestions?

    1. madprofessor789 +2

      Very pretty!

      With a dress like that, I think your only options are heels or men’s oxfords (for a counter-to-expectations flash) if you’re not a heels person. Not flats. (With a hemline that high, flats can be dowdy).

      As for colors, red would be cool, or metallic. Possibly an orange, depending on the shade. The conservative choice would be high-heels in the same color as the color of your skin. Sometimes it’s good to go for the conservative choice at weddings, but if you’re not part of the bridal party, I say just have fun.

    2. Cricket +3

      oooh I love it! Have you decided what jewelry you’re wearing? I tend to plan jewelry first, then shoes second. But if you’re not sure yet, you can’t go wrong with some kind of silver pumps/strappy heels. I am a big fan of the green/silver combo. If you’re planning to wear gold jewelry, navy heels might be fun. Also: suede or velvet (a fashion thing I have surprisingly embraced wholeheartedly) heels are great sometimes, maybe something like these: http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/thing?id=114070854

      1. teresamackadoo +3

        Oh, those are gorgeous! I haven’t decided on jewelry yet, but was leaning toward gold and navy suede is looking so good to me right now.

  82. kay_hay +3

    What do I do about an awkward work friend? We don’t directly work together but pass each other in the office 2-3 times a week, so while we’ve known each other for about 3 years and I went to his housewarming party last month, we don’t know each other particularly well.
    Last week he texts me to invite me to a Sunday afternoon Chili party/come whenever hangout at his place. He does NOT invite the husband (who is totally cool about me having male friends. We joke about Sedgwick and Rubin and how my chili and I are invited to make Work Friend attractive as a provider of food and women to his dude friends). I show up with a steaming slow cooker of ChickenTomatillo White Bean…and I’m the only one there for the next three hours. I try to make conversation (how are you liking your new apartment? What’s the story on your cat’s name? Did you mention you used to play in a band?) and he answers, but doesn’t really reciprocate. He asks about work a little, but it’s Sunday. Fuck work. We listen to Ten and The White Album. Periodically he dives for his phone. When his girlfriend shows up, his intro is just names, not “this is Kay, my friend from work”, and “meet Aay, my girlfriend.” Thankfully she’s a conversationalist and so are the other friends who eventually show up, and he suddenly discovers talking to people skills, but that was a looooong three hours.
    I’d like to be friends because when conversations actually HAVE happened (with other people around), he’s pretty brilliant and funny. Also, he’s one of the few people who’s worked at this company as long as I have, which is important when I need an ally in the face of horrid policy or office politics. But if outside of work socialization is going to be this awkward, I’m ok just chatting in passing.
    Thoughts?

  83. sausagedog +21

    Do not doubt yourself here!! That is incredibly serious. Messing with birth control is a huge flashing red light– you were smart to get out of that relationship. (I would go on a huge rant about exactly every single reason what he did was terrible but I am at work. But it is important that you know you did the right thing.)

  84. elsamac +17

    Soooo if someone could reassure me that this is a legit thing to be upset about

    D:

    0:

    (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

    PRETTY LEGIT YUP

    I am furious on your behalf; that is indeed a serious consent/trust/safety issue that he violated. I’m sorry he did that, and glad you’re done with him.

  85. GlowCloud +3

    Friendsgiving last night and Thanksgiving with my parents today, and I also just finished all of the data collection for the project I’m a research assistant on this year. This last is the best thing, because it means I don’t have to print screen any more pages from terrible library websites (spoiler: this is all library websites.) Happy days!

  86. katrinamhall +3

    I’m not celebrating Thanksgiving or Columbus Day today, I’m at work re-working all of the code I wrote last week, BUT I met some awesome toasties over the weekend at the Pittsburgh meetup and I can’t wait to hang out these awesome ladies in the future!

  87. JocastaCarr +21

    EDIT – supposed to be a reply to notebook keeper above:

    100% serious, 100% legit. That is not the action of a person who genuinely cares about you and your wellbeing. He literally put you at risk for an STD and/or pregnancy to make things momentarily more pleasurable for himself. That is the action of a profoundly selfish, self-absorbed individual, and you did the absolute right thing for yourself in cutting that person out of your life. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Not to mention that anyone who dismisses your feelings by telling you to “grow up” is an asshole, period.

  88. lemonadefish +16

    @ notebook keeper — He is a terrible terrible person and you are right to banish him forever and possibly light him on fire, or at least brand his forehead with UNCONSCIONABLE ASSHOLE as a warning to others.

  89. elsajeni +7

    A TINY PARKA? I’ve seen him with the nightcap, the flashlight, and the umbrella hat (when it’s only slightly rainy) — I’ve never seen him under the table before, though. And I live in Houston, so my chances of seeing the tiny parka are probably pretty slim.

  91. Bryn (Plus Others) +6

    Yay Monday open thread!

    Our daughter turned 5, went to the ocean and gathered shells, told us about how Cinderella should not ever marry the prince and how Elsa and Anna are each other’s true loves, and then this past weekend had a lovely birthday party @ a paint-a-ceramic studio that went just about as perfectly as a party with tons of 4 & 5 year olds could go. The parents were great, there was a cake with a rainbow on it, and I go pick up the pottery Tuesday.

    Now I can start getting excited about our system trip to Chicago to see OUR GIRLFRIEND YAY for the first time in-person in 13 months!

  92. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

    Ohhhh also GYMNASTICS is anyone else watching Worlds? Did you SEE Larisa Iordache? Wow.

  93. Beckie +1

    Weightlifting Toasties, help! I just started at a new gym and have had 2 of my 3 cheap intro training sessions. I followed Nicole’s instructions on how to ask for a training plan that I can do on my own and make harder, and I specifically said I wanted to lift heavy stuff and do squats. But, she has me doing a lot of planking and 7 lb dumbbells and sit-to-standing. Is this just how I have to start before I can work my way up to real stuff? Or, should I be demanding more? I’m jealous of Mallory’s personal best tweets! What do I say before my last session on Wednesday?

    Of course, my husband’s douchebro trainer had him doing deadlifts and squats with a bar in the first session and he’s still semi-crippled with back pain. Sexism hurts everyone.

  94. lemonadefish +3

    @SmrtCookie – In theory, we do christmas with one family and Thanksgiving with the other, and then flip on alternate years. But his family has a nasty habit of cancelling things at the last minute (I think they don’t really care about celebrations much, I don’t know). And then sometimes we host Thanksgiving for both families, and that gets confusing. And my family has lots of parties throughout the year that we often attend, whereas his family has maybe never thrown a single party. Now that we have a baby, we are officially not traveling more than once a month (my family is 4 hours away; his is 5 in the opposite direction) so we will be more strict with not doing make-up christmases. Except since we are doing christmas with his family, my family is all coming to us the week before. It’s all very complicated. Generally, we like to spend time with my family, except he doesn’t like to spend too many days in a row. But his family is high drama and also not very fun, so we would mostly avoid them. But he’s just realized they are mortal (lost a favorite uncle recently) and so he wants to visit them more.

    tl;dr – we are lucky to be able to drive and visit our families whenever we like, but this means we spend a lot of time in the car.

    Also when you are an adult, you can just declare your holiday plans. No need to battle. Just repeat calmly, “We are going to Vegas for Thanksgiving this year. We’ll see you for Festivus. Love you, bye.”

  95. craneyourneck +15

    Lesson from the weekend: if you’re ever in a situation where someone you love is hospitalized in another city, but you don’t know where, look up the local crisis hotline. The person working it can help you figure out which hospitals specialize in certain areas, and where you have to go if one is overcrowded. (Things that you would know intuitively if you lived close by.)

    If you’re worried that person is alone, you can also call the local police force for a “non-emergency” check, and they will go to your loved one’s apartment. Didn’t mean to get all serious on the open thread, but maybe someone else will need this info eventually.

  96. CleverManka +12

    I spent the weekend visiting my parents and just now, less than thirty minutes left in my workday, discovered this Surprise!Open Thread. I *hate* all the catch-up necessary to recover from a day or two out of the office. Why don’t people understand that my ability to check The Toast for stuff like this is SO MUCH MORE important than their petty little needs?

  97. DeepBlueC +4

    @ kay_hay and her awkward work friend problem: Gah, I just deleted a comment that didn’t thread properly, and failed to c & p correctly. If it’s not in your email, the TLDR: I’d have bailed after an hour with your amazing chili! If you’re still interested in trying to be outside of work friends, engineer a non-awkward situation yourself (which shouldn’t be hard, if he’s only awkward in one-on-one situations): invite him to lunch with another coworker you like, or do something casual with your husband, and invite him along with his girlfriend. If that’s too much effort, I’m sure he’ll still be an ally as long as you’re friendly in the office. Good luck!

  98. betsymurgatroyd +2

    Thanksgiving is the best holiday. I think it is likely better in Canada than here in the US because of all the commercialization that has ruined ours. I would like a Monday Thanksgiving and I want it earlier in November.

    I’m going to make Apple juice, sauce and pie filling tonight, assuming I haven’t died from digging more effing post holes in the yard. I am not thrilled about this latest development. But last night I made plum ice cream and it was wonderful, so I have that to look forward to eating later tonight.

    1. isabellebleu +2

      I love both iterations, and live right on the US/Canada border with family on both sides, so as an amateur glutton I get to enjoy both immensely! One thing that I will say in favour of the Canadian version, though, is that I enjoy the absence of NFL football from its celebrations.
      Also, plum ice cream sounds delicious and incredible!

  99. lemonadefish +3

    @ Bryn (Plus Others) I spent hours Saturday night worrying about an ex from like 15 years ago, who I am not actually worried about at all. What a waste! I hadn’t even watched anything, either.

  100. ellehmariat +8

    I really like your points here. I have definitely noticed that there are many times when Emily is just straight-up mean to Lorelei and makes really awful comments. Other times when she actually has good intentions, she is still really passive-aggressive about them and it leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. For example, the time when Rory is supposed to get a huge trust fund from Trix, but Emily is terrified that it means she will never see Lorelei again because she won’t be obligated to come to the friday dinners. Instead of admitting this to Lorelei and having an honest conversation about trying to forge a new relationship with her, she instead thwarts the trust fund so Rory doesn’t get it after all.

    1. Linette +6

      I had almost this exact same scene with MY mother over last Christmas. I told her I wanted to spend it here with my guy instead of going to my parents’ house (which, at 30 years old, is a pretty reasonable thing to do). She then spent the next half hour trying to convince me that my father would be heartbroken if I didn’t come home (not true, I’d already asked him) because she was convinced I would never do it just because she wanted me to.

      Which is true. I wouldn’t do it just because she wanted me to. It is not reasonable for me to make all my life decisions based on what my mother wants instead of what I want. But since making my own choices if they’re different from her desires is unacceptable to her, she has to resort to manipulation and shame.

      If Emily wanted Lorelei to want to come to dinner, maybe she could stop being such a first-class cunt every time she interacts with her daughter. Maybe if she wasn’t constantly trying to control her, Lorelei would actually want to spend time with her. But no, the idea that Emily’s behavior is the problem has never once crossed Emily’s WASPy little mind, despite EXPERIENCING EXACTLY THE SAME THING HERSELF WITH TRIX. Emily has every reason to sympathize with Lorelei and doesn’t, and she can deal with the fact that her life choices have consequences.

  101. BreezyK

    Ooooh, so I agree with all of extrayarn’s recommendations above, and just wanted to note that the Barnes is now in Center City so you don’t have to have a car to get there, if that is relevant.

    Since I think one of Philly’s selling points is how many really great restaurants are BYOB – Iwill try to only mention BYOBs in this comment:
    -My favorite is Bibou, an AMAZING teeny french restaurant that is probably one of the best in the city – reserve now and get the tasting menu. That would be for a special night out.
    -The Farm and the Fisherman is really lovely and cozy and perfect for a winter’s night. As you might be able to tell by the name, it is farm to table focused.
    -Will BYOB is more experimental in nature with foams and jellies etc, but still very good AND they personalized a menu for us for my husband’s birthday which I thought was a lovely touch.
    -Chloe is another teeny BYOB and it’s in Old City and also great for comfort food – my husband always gets the ribs when we go there.
    – We recently had a wonderful dinner at Laurel which is the last winner of Top Chef’s (Nick Elmi) new restaurant. They ONLY do a tasting menu on the weekends but I think you can order a la carte during the week.

    Finally, I really like both Eater Philly and Foobooz for food specific stuff about Philly and UWISHUNU for general visitor stuff. I hope you have a great time!

  103. pjwren

    The Magic Garden is on South Street, around 11th, I think? My museum is contemporary arty stuff, and we are having a very weird exhibition opening up on the 12th. So if you like that sort of thing, I can give you more info. It involves performance, and video, and primordial ideas of self (like I said, weird), but it looks like it's going to be very cool.
    I also second whoever said staying in the hotel and reading/sleeping was a good way to use the trip to relax. Excellent idea, and you can potentially decamp to the hotel lobby/bar/lounge/whatever for munchies/beverages.

  104. Elyse

    I hope that they can make the best with what is left in the semester. I'd say that the overwhelming majority of my students (probably 85%) were either really into what I was trying to show, or at least didn't make a big stink – but there was always an asshat or two in the back that would just…ugh. I went out of my way to make myself accessible and approachable as a professor, especially in a freshman class! but there'd always be someone that just did. not. want. to. be. there. and got railroaded into filling the science requirement with my class, and like…yeah, I took classes I hated too, but I always gave my professors the respect they deserved because lord knows they were trying their best to teach us.

    Good luck. <3