I read about all of the Jezebel readership’s most awkward sexual experiences in a leisurely fashion and, you know what? Yeah. There is some serious awkward in there.
*
If I ever start a religion, you can bet it’s going to allow for extraterrestrial life. That’s just called covering your bases, guys.
*
While re-reading On the Farm, which is about horrible Canadian serial killer Robert “Willie” Pickton, I was getting really rage-y about the UTTER and CRIMINAL DISINTEREST in the well-being and survival of sex workers displayed by the Vancouver Police Department, and then I found THIS.
*
*
I’m getting tired of being shown up by the blind:
The 45-year-old pro adventurer is best known as the only blind person to climb Mount Everest, in 2001, a feat that landed him on the cover of Time at age 32 and made him an international symbol of courage. Weihenmayer also solo skydives and paraglides. He skis double-black slopes and backcountry. He and a small team raced a dozen others across the deserts of Morocco. He has climbed each of mountaineering’s vaunted Seven Summits and scaled the 3,000-foot rock face of Yosemite’s El Capitan, along with the 2,000-foot, technically tougher frozen Himalayan waterfall Losar.
Read more: http://www.mensjournal.com/magazine/blind-ambition-20140725#ixzz38p0o8VQo
Follow us: @mensjournal on Twitter | MensJournal on Facebook
*
On the only game that matters:
I am a pop culture writer in America and a renowned Kardashiologist and the lucky beneficiary of an economic system that does not require me to do hard physical work to feed and clothe my family, so on a Tuesday afternoon I began playing Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.
I held off on doing this for weeks, even as the game became a $200 million runaway hit and the inescapable subject of a thousand whimsical think pieces like the one I am now writing. My tolerance for Kardashian-related bullshit is pretty much limitless. David Foster Wallace said he subscribed to Cosmopolitan because reading the same sex quiz every month was soothing to his nervous system; I feel the same way about watching the Ks wander in and out of each other’s houses, having fake conversations and eating salads.
*
wat:
Q. Marriage News: My brother-in-law recently remarried. He has yet to tell his 12-year-old daughter. My mother-in-law knows as do a few other family members. We’re all about to attend a family wedding and my mother-in-law told the mother of the bride and others. My husband has spoken to his brother and pressed him to tell his daughter, but still no. The reasons for withholding this information from her are unclear. I’m afraid she’ll find out on Facebook. Should I do anything further in this situation?
*
The New Face of Richard Norris
*
Back in the heady days I spent working for a quantitative hedge fund, we once had Jimmy Carter come talk to us, with the idea being that if he agreed to do so they would then put him in a little room with the guys who made the most money at the hedge fund so he could shake them down for money for his campaign to eradicate guinea worm. But he also talked to the rest of us about guinea worm for about forty minutes in great detail, and it was unbelievably disgusting (I will never forget his pleasant Georgian voice saying “and then the wooorm bursts when they soak they-a feet in the waater” and also something about eyeballs) and very persuasive (I am pretty sure we all hastily gave him all the money currently on our persons), so I was pleased to read that, well, THEY’VE BASICALLY ERADICATED GUINEA WORM. Solid work to all involved!
*
We lost our sitter to a full-time nursing job, which we knew would happen, and Utah is stuffed to the gills with charming young women who fear the Lord and have eighteen younger siblings, and it’ll be okay, but she was GREAT and I can never love again.
*
We were obviously going to link to the New Yorker piece about radfems, we’re not made of STONE, we like giving you big messy things to discuss like any other site.
*
Tags: feminism, link roundup, the internet
Science has discovered the original Woman Laughing Alone With Salad, and she’s every bit as delightful, subversive, and linked to Julia Child as you’d hope. Also she was a spy.
“I had an engineer friend make me a disabled grenade,” said Doris Bohrer, who during World War II was stationed in Italy as an agent for the OSS, the U.S. spy service that later morphed into the CIA. “When I reached for the handle, the boys went out the windows. They just disappeared. And I sat there and ate my salad.”
Julia was in the OSS too! (unless that’s what you mean by linked to Julia? Julia was in Sri Lanka, I think, though).
That is a great story.
Oh yes, I knew Julia was one of the original secret agent BAMFs. But to hear it confirmed that such an early Laugher Alone With Salad had a verifiable personal connection to Our Lady of Culinary Joy and Not Giving a Damn made me happy.
“I’m sure she’ll be extra, extra, extra capable, because they always have to be better than the male for the job,” said Bohrer.
Oh my god that kitten, cats are so fucking stupid
It is hard to believe that the ol’ poofy tailed sideways hop has ever intimidated another living creature.
Well if a cat did it to me I’d just start laughing, so I guess the cat would have successfully made me no threat
Commander gets scared of herself in mirrors every now and then. Her tail just PUFFS and she STARES and WORRIES. The poor thing.
Oh my god that kitten, cats are so fucking stupid
That Dear Prudence column was bananas. “My sister is stealing alcohol, marijuana, and expensive money from me. What should I do?”
Also, I read On The Farm a few years back and it was DROP DEAD HORRIFYING. The whole thing was just so terrifyingly poorly handled and depressing and oh god, Vancouver, oh god.
Expensive money?
Oh god. I meant “expensive makeup.”
I don’t know what expensive money is, maybe money that’s been encrusted with diamonds or something. I don’t know what rich people do with their money!
bitcoins
Canadian currency, if the letter-writer is an American.
Or vice-versa.
Ugh, that piece in the New Yorker was one of the most well-balanced, in-depth discussions of the radfem issue I’ve seen in a major media site but it also completely missed out on the horrible trolling/harassment/abuse of trans* people radfems have engaged in, making them look a lot more sympathetic than I feel like they are. So really not that well-balanced at all, I guess.
She also only sort of nodded to the violence trans* people, particularly trans* WOC face, and how that violence is connected to the dehumanizing and ridiculous beliefs radfems espouse.
Hmm, I actually did not feel that the piece was particularly well-balanced. There is actually a lot of variety in the radical feminist community wrt how transgenderism fits into the gender hierarchy, and she naturally only talked to the most controversial end of the spectrum. Also, I think she painted other aspects of the radical feminist movement (sex industry abolition in particular) in a laughably simplistic light that made it seem outdated rather than built on years of theory and ongoing conversation.
Then, “on the other side,” (scare quotes because I don’t think the trans community and radical feminism have to be in opposition) she barely paid lip service to the discrimination and violence the trans community faces (as mentioned by you and kilks401).
I’m totally up for talking about this more in depth with anyone who’s interested – I am a radical feminist and I think the trans community deserves rights and respect and dignity. I think some people use radical feminism as a shield for their hatred of trans people, and the majority of us do not think that’s okay. Let’s talk, Toasties!
I am interested in hearing a version of radical feminism that doesn’t involve…how should I put this? Being horrible to trans* folk, but I gotta tell you, references to how trans* folk “fit” into a “gender hierarchy” do not fill me with optimism
.
ETA: I should probably clarify that what strikes me as dangerous about this is the denial of an Individual’s agency in support of ideology and theory. That has…never gone well, as far as I’m aware, probably because it’s pretty dehumanizing.
I phrased that poorly. What I meant was, radical feminists see gender as a hierarchy (with men on the top and women on the bottom) rather than a spectrum. This hierarchy benefits men in that it is used as a tool to oppress women. Gender is not innate – it is socially conditioned. Since gender is a tool used by men to oppress women, it must be abolished in order to eliminate sex-based oppression.
There are some radical feminists who will use this as a jumping off point to exercise their thinly veiled transphobia. The rest of us understand that while gender is not innate it is heavily ingrained in our society.
In a world where we have not abolished the gender hierarchy, I don’t think it’s fair to say to trans people, “Too bad! You’ll just have to deal, because the system isn’t fair anyway!” If transitioning is how someone can survive within this awful system, they should do so!
I think gender is a system that needs to be abolished, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to hate anyone who doesn’t fit perfectly within the system.
I am in the strange position of both thinking that gender is the weirdest thing that we have collectively hallucinated ever, and also being trans. I don’t think Judith Butler is considered a radical feminist (?), but the only worthwhile part of my literary theory class was getting to read all her discussions of the performativity of gender. And yet: switching to the performance of maleness requires constant contact with my two least-favourite things, doctors and paperwork, so if I haven’t been ‘really male’ all along, why did I do it?
Ok, well, the occasional male privilege is pretty damn sweet (I won’t deny it), but I had to trade my class privilege for it, and (since I’m genuinely surprised that I sometimes pass for cis now) it was never the actual reason, just an eventual bonus side-effect. “Luscious thigh hair, and also, bodily autonomy” are my answers so far. I keep trying to write a trans narrative for the toast about it, but it’s haaard.
“Luscious thigh hair, and also, bodily autonomy”
If that’s not a damn good reason to do something, I don’t know what is.
Also, I know this is WAY easier said than done, but please do pitch & write that piece! I would love to read it!
I’m having trouble putting this into words but I feel like, yeah, radfem people picking on transgender people is ridiculous and cruel but also the vast, vast majority of harassment and abuse of trans folks is coming from misogynists, not a tiny group of women. And it’s not that we shouldn’t address it and call out the cruelty and exclusionary behavior of some feminists but we need to not get caught up in in-fighting and let the MRAs and the rest win in the process.
Remember who the real enemy is, is what I’m saying.
Given that there’s at least one TERF who specialises in harassing and ‘outing’ underage trans* people I’d say that it’s not in-fighting to highlight and shame that behaviour, and I don’t see how that is letting the real enemy win. Anybody endangering, harassing, or abusing trans* people is the enemy here, and while their motivation can stem from different sources it’s all deplorable behaviour and needs to be stopped.
No, shame away. Call it out wherever it is to shut it down.
But there’s a lot of attention paid to a very small group of individuals and it’s meant to shut down feminists entirely. And we shouldn’t forget that, is what I’m trying to say.
As if trans women aren’t feminists? When a certain brand of feminism makes it a priority to harass, silence, embarrass, destabilize and dehumanize an already at-risk population of women, I really can’t support their “work.”
And yes, I understand that, within the framework of general misogyny and danger to trans women and men, TERFs are a drop in the bucket. But they are smart, mobilized, and targeted.
Maybe I’m just not expressing myself well. I am not condoning ANY harassment or abuse of transgender people. I’m not supporting anyone who does that.
I think I get what you’re trying to say. Every movement for change runs the risk of imploding if there is too much in-fighting and questing for ideological ‘purity’. But there is a flipside to that coin, which is the risk of minimizing actual harm suffered by actual women in the pursuit of the “real” problems.
I think we’ve all encountered this dude: “why are feminists all complaining about scantily-clad video game characters and whether a guy opens the door for him when there’s REAL harm being done to women in the middle east n’stuff?” Which is, of course, a great big logical fallacy (as well as derailing, as well as a bit racist, as well as just dumb).
I don’t think you were saying that TERFs aren’t a “real” problem. (And of course, a breath spent on pointing out that their efforts are anathema to modern feminism is a breath well-spent.) But it’s important to avoid implying anything along the lines of “why are we complaining about TERFs when the REAL enemy is men?”
Thanks, though it’s more that I’m deeply suspicious of news media that wants me to believe the biggest threat to transgender people is a small group of radical feminists and not systemic repression, abuse, exclusion and violence. And these articles offer tacit support to the psychotic fringe by the “teaching the controversy” type of approach that give TERFs more attention and power.
But harassing and outing trans people is not actually a tenet of radical feminism. And TERF does not equal radical feminism. There’s conflation of a lot of separate issues here that seems to make it impossible to discuss this issue in any but the most simplistic terms.
I think it’s important to remember that TERF activism has led to medical exclusions on trans medical care in insurance polices and Medicare and Medicaid and is still working to exclude trans people from human rights legislation. And that’s not counting what individual people (like Catherine Brennan, who I believe is who erindubitably was referring to wrt outing trans minors). I think it’s easy to dismiss them as a fringe group when they have more influence than one might think.
I haven’t finished the article yet, but given that my only experiences with self-identified radical feminists have been a) online, and b) all about bigotry and hatred wrapped up in feminism, it so far feels kind of like AstroTurffing.
I’ve only been able to read a few paragraphs at a time because there are just so many…I don’t know if they’re casual asides? They’re like word-grenades, just strewn about, uncontested, chilling in the middle of a paragraph without the author being like, “this might be a grenade.”
I get to something like “because they have a choice”, see that it goes initially unremarked upon as though it is a perfectly reasonable position that reasonable adults can all reasonably agree upon, and just reflexively close out of the tab. Goddammit. What unbelievable bullshit.
I’m having the same problem w/r/t reading the entire article; I’m not sure how anyone would consider the article “balanced” given the number of irrelevant asides and parentheticals that make her biases (or maybe her ignorance?) pretty blatant.
I am enjoying what Websense has decided to block access to sites as at work.
The article about the Kim Kardashian game is blocked as SPORTS. I am hereby decreeing Kim Kardashian’s Hollywood as a sport, and you can now get varsity jackets in it. Because.
Let’s all talk about how long it took us to realize the cat’s mistake. For me, it was 0:14. I’m not proud, but it is still morning, so give me a break.
Our oldest cat used to do this exact same thing to a little teddy we had. The Handsome Sidekick and I have just watched this video and had such nostalgia for 12 years ago 😀
It took me about ten seconds, but in my defense, I didn’t have my glasses on. Ten seconds. Ten seconds of wondering what that still, big-eyed kitty was staring at.
So my husband and I have had The Talk about what to do if one of us dies suddenly. We’ve both told the other to go on living, find someone new and love again, etc.
BUT that someone new has to be a great fit with/good step-parent to our kid or NO DEAL. I told my husband that if his second wife is not A-plus, sterling stepmom material, my spook will haunt them forever.
All this to say, 20,000 WTFs to the guy who remarried but has yet to tell his 12-year-old daughter. She should not only be the first to know, she should have a fucking say in the matter.
I have followed my mothers lead on this. If he dies, I will love again, after much time. If I die he has to live in arrested emotional agony for the rest of his life and if he ever replaces me he will regret it because I will haunt the shit out of him. We don’t have children yet.
But yes, why has his daughter not being told? That won’t backfire horribly at all when she eventually finds out.
My mom told me that she would never remarry if Dad died first, but that he HAD to get remarried if she died first because he is absolutely awful at being alone and if he didn’t have a wife he would harass us kids until we put him in a home out of pure spite.
She ended up dying first and OH MY GOODNESS was she correct. Luckily, Dad has found a nice lady who has no desires beyond taking care of him and making him happy and she is wonderful because of it.
I think my parents would be OK on their own (apart from obviously the expected shocking grief and loneliness, I mean from a practical perspective), but I do wonder how the Handsome Sidekick would fare. Our children would be like, ‘DAD. WE NEED CLEAN CLOTHES’ and the washing machine would simply flummox him. I totally need to stay alive at least until they leave home.
You staying alive is the best thing, obviously, but I’m sure the kids would figure out the washing machine if they had to.
Hmm, I dunno. The oldest is seven. But you’d thing between four children and one parent, they’d work it out eventually.
I’m now trying to decide if perhaps I should rethink what gives me meaning in my life. If I’m not just here to provide the clean clothes, WHAT IS MY PURPOSE.
Kidding, obviously. I’m also here for food preparation 😉
I think your handsome sidekick is also capable of figuring out the washing machine. Has he never done laundry?! Learned helplessness is no excuse.
No doubt they’d get there eventually. In his defence, it is a rather complex washing machine. He has done laundry, but just not with this machine. I had to actually read the instructions when we first got it.
I’ve been teaching my oldest (son) how to use it. So I guess in a year or two I won’t be needed! Considering all the ‘mummy-mummy-mummy’ I get round the clock, that prospect sounds rather lovely.
I have had this conversation with my parents. Like, exactly word for word. Fortunately the women in my mom’s family live to about 100, generally, so I think I’m ok.
Eh, I don’t know if a child should have a say in the matter of remarriage, though heaven knows she should certainly be in the know about things well before the wedding. My parents split when I was 13 and got fully divorced when I was 16. If I’d had my way, they would never have dated or remarried at all. My reaction to their announcement was to say, “I have this really great idea: celibacy!” My mom did remarry, though, to a wonderful man who treats her very well, and I am actually really grateful for this, as I wouldn’t have had a model for a good marriage in my life.
My dad did remarry at one point without telling us. He then invited my siblings and me to his wife’s house without telling us she was his wife. (I did not go, but my brother and sister did.) The marriage was really brief and quickly annulled, and the only reason we found out about it was that my sister found a suspiciously wedding-looking photograph, and then, when he denied it, she googled and found the marriage certificate online. We were all adults at this point in time, but it was still really bizarre and infuriating. He’s remarried again, and he did tell us this time.
When my father got remarried he came to pick us up for summer break and she was in the car. He was like and this is my wife, isn’t that great?” I was 5, my sister was 7. We were confused and upset. Mom sent us back into the house to “check on something” while words were had.
My sister just got remarried and none of us know if her kids know or not. They know she’s engaged. They like her “fiance” and his kids…but I don’t think they know they got married.
I was just going to say that in the case of divorce, maybe it’s not as important that the child have a say in the non-custodial parent’s remarriage? But now I’m reading all these crazy stories about people’s parents remarrying without telling them, and I’m swerving back toward “give them a say, dammit.”
This seems especially true with kids who are underage and thus under the care of their parents/step-parents. I mean, if I died, I totally want my husband to find love again, but not with some nightmare lady who will make my (11-year-old) kid’s life miserable.
When the kids grow up, all bets are off. I mean, my dad didn’t give me a say in his second marriage (when I was 36).
When I was about 15 my mother married a guy A. without telling us first and B. that we had never met. :- |
Can confirm, is moderately traumatizing to get a surprise stepparent as a teen.
Also I am RUNNING, not walking to add that Pickton book to my Amazon wishlist. I was so obsessed/grossed out by that entire case while it was ongoing. But that Gilbert Jordan thing is the most NOOOPE thing that’s ever NOOOPE’D!
There really are no words for that, are there? How utterly bizarre. Was she afraid you would object?
Hahahah no, that’d imply that she considered our feelings or comfort levels in the stuff that she did, which would just be ridiculous!
Sigh. 🙁 I’m so sorry about that.
To be fair, she’s mentally ill. She is also a horrible person, but no doubt the mental issues contributed to some of her more impetuous decisions! We used to joke that she had marriage-itus or nuptial-abetes (she’s been married many, many times).
Nuptial-abetes sounds pretty serious! Heh. I’m glad you could joke about it, at least.
My coworker’s sister got married a few weeks ago in a total clusterfuck. Her daughter is 16, but when she was young she straight-up told her daughter she didn’t want her, and gave her to the grandparents to raise. Now that the daughter is 16 and old enough to not need care every day, mom wants to be all buddy-buddy friends with her. Daughter met the new fiance twice before the wedding, mom told her what an awesome guy he was, etc., daughter just haaaad to be her maid of honour because they loved her so much, etc. Only to find out (as my coworker relayed to us with saucer eyes) AT THE WEDDING, that this fiance had three kids of his own–one who was eighteen and the guy only FOUND OUT about him a month or two ago. For real. The other two kids had been shunted off to relatives to raise, until the wedding came around and suddenly they were beloved family members.
I mean, luckily for the 16-year-old girl in this case, she has a very stable life with her grandparents and some very supportive family, but still. Poor girl. Poor family. Poor kids.
Oh my god that poor child. I can’t even imagine. ALL those poor children in this story!!
20,000 more WTFs for these people. Kids aren’t just accessories that you give to others to deal with, then trot them out when it suits you…but I guess for this couple, they are. Sorry, kids.
My mom got engaged to my now-stepdad after dating him long-distance (MA to MD) for about five months (though they had briefly dated in college, so it wasn’t like they had only just met. Well, it was only KIND OF like that).
She alleges that she told me that they were dating, but my memory is that the first I heard about the guy was one month before they got engaged, when she was like, “Ok, we gotta go to the Verizon store to add [Stepdad] to our phone plan!” and I was like, “Who’s [Stepdad]?” To be fair, though, I was in my senior year of college and I wasn’t paying attention to ANYTHING that wasn’t hanging out with my roommates and my boyfriend.
There is an amazing 1984 documentary about prostitution in Vancouver, Hookers on Davie. It’s on YouTube in its entirety.
Cannot view the Slate article about how their commenting section is changing because it is considered “bonus content.” Worse, this pops up in front of it:
“Right now you’re thinking, Is this a paywall? It’s not a paywall… For just $5 a month or $50 a year…”
What do they think a paywall is???
THAT MAKES ME INSANE. “This isn’t a paywall.” Well, you are asking me for money to see content, so….yes….it is….
Like, it’s the DEFINITION of a paywall! Which is fine, whatever, but to specifically say, “I know what you’re thinking hahaha.” What a bunch of douche canoes.
“It’s not a paywall, it’s a SPENDBARRIER! You’re welcome!”
Reminds me of the guy from AT&T who came to the house during dinner the other night and, when my husband pointed out that we have a “NO Soliciting” sign by the door, proceeded to tell him he wasn’t solicited, merely offering us a great deal on a new internet plan.
Oh hell no! I think slapping that dude with a piping hot pork chop would have been legal under some “stand your ground” laws.
Waste of a pork chop, though.
‘…access to Slatesters’.
I don’t know what that is, but it’s pretty much put me off the whole thing. Not that I’m really interested in paying money to be able to leave comments on Slate, anyway. (Not when there is The Toast, for FREE!)
Except just substitute “paywall” for “pipe” because my photoshop skills are not.
I already feel guilty every time I read Slate, for supporting their click-bait contrarianism and occasional arguments for horrible things. I definitely don’t want to give them money, or ever read their comments section.
ETA: feel guilty, but can’t stay away from Dear Prudence.
Can we start a support group?
I need people to talk about Dear Prudie with!
I have this recurring problem where I can never keep it straight in my head: which one is Slate and which is Salon, which one is risible clickbait and which one often has thoughtful, well-written personal essays that I enjoy and share.
… I think that just got easier to remember.
I honestly thought the point to that link was laughing at the paywall.
I had a hair stylist in LA who swore she would only ever hire Mormon nannies. Seems to have worked for her.
There was an episode of Law and Order SVU where a wealthy couple hired Mormon nannies because they had big families, didn’t drink or smoke, and spoke English. Unfortunately, that backfired on them because it turns out their nanny was using their computer to meet guys on “Faceunion.com” and sleep with them in the parents’ bed, and then she was eventually killed by one of them? I think?
FACEUNION
Have you ever seen that Youtube video of Law & Order’s fakest websites?
oof tasty sugar dot com
LOLITAVILLE
I once read an article about how networks actually buy up all of those fake URLs and found it fascinating. Anyone else who’s interested can read here: http://gizmodo.com/the-saga-of-nicebooby-net-and-…
ANONYMOUS QUICKEY DOT COM!
Presumably anonymousquickie.com was already taken?
My daycare favors Jehovah’s Witnesses. They are delightful young women and though they babysit for us on occasion, and come armed with religious reading material, none of them have tried to convert us, not even when we come home tipsy.
Poor little cat! S/he just wants someone to play with and a fake cat is better than nothing–
oh nooooooo
What is this “Slate +” thing that they’re spamming me with over there!? You can get Prudie before everyone else gets Prudie? I can wait for Prudie, thanks.
Considering half the joy of Prudie is the comments, it’s really better to wait for Prudie so you have a few hundred batshit opinions to scroll through along with the batshit questions and advice.
I actually JUST realized, reading this New Yorker piece, that the term “transgender” has only been around since the 90s. Which is bananas, because the term used before it, “transsexual”, sounds wrong and offensive to me and it’s only been out of fashion for twenty years. PROGRESS, GUYS
‘Transvestite’ is even worse :/
But a transvestite is a cross-dresser is not necessarily a transgender person, right?
I don’t know (I mean, really, I don’t know). I thought that cross dressing wasn’t necessarily associated with being transgender but that transvestite could imply transgender also? Either way, the only time I ever hear the word transvestite recently is from Frank N Furter…
Eddie Izzard (self-described executive/action transvestite who fancies girls) covers the transvestite side of the coin nicely in his stand-up. Varies by individual, basically!
You know, I saw part of an interview with him recently, where he discusses this. It was very cool, because he is basically very matter-of-fact about it and ‘this is how I am, why should you have a problem with it?’
I guess when I’ve heard the word transvestite used, it’s been in a more… derogatory sense? But perhaps that’s just because it’s a way of mainstream pointing at something and screaming ‘WEIRD! WEIRD!’ and let’s face it, any word or person can get that kind of treatment, depending on culture/time/place. I guess I felt it had reached its use-by, but I like the idea of owning it as a means of empowerment rather than it having negative connotations.
He is so matter-of-fact about so many things, I am very glad he’s running for office. (He did a Q&A after his performance when I saw him earlier this summer, and he’s basically great. Also was wearing A+ excellent boots. Would go again.)
Yeah, my understanding is that the word has been used derogatorily and also been lumped in with being trans (through ignorance, like how some people think drag queens “fall under the trans umbrella”–ugh). BUT. Literally just means “cross-dresser,” and I mean literally in the most literal sense, its roots are Latin for “across” + “wearer.” So I don’t think it has to be derogatory, and I’ve seen it used in neutral ways–so I think it depends on the company.
You could maybe make an argument that it’s binarist (since it implies there is one firm line between two categories across which one crosses)? But I have literally never seen anyone say that, and I’m cis with the mildest sprinkling of genderqueerness (which I don’t feel able to explore due to body image crap), so I really don’t think it’s for me to argue it.
Some of the confusion may come from both terms being (usually derogatorily) abbreviated as “tranny.” I’m pretty sure transvestite always means cross-dresser and transsexual always means transgender, but both have been called “tranny” for short regularly by people who were trying to be hurtful.
My wife calls herself a transvestite specifically to signify that she’s a) cis, b) only interested in wearing men’s clothing, but c) not exactly what one would call “butch” in the traditional sense. But she only uses it in company where it’s unlikely to be misunderstood.
Yeah, I can understand that.
There is the DSM version of transvestite – transvestic disorder – which can include ‘with autogynephilia’ and ‘with fetishism’. This is in the DSM-5, which was published in 2013.
2013. And we are still keeping that language around? *sigh*
WAT
My roommate was watching some BBC crime drama and I’d watched the first part of the episode with her until I got bored. Later on I came back and asked if they’d found the killer. Yes they had, she explained, and the killer was the woman the murdered man had had pictures of. I asked why the characters kept referring to the killer with male pronouns, then. She said the woman was a transvestite (which was already weird–Rocky Horror Picture show is the only thing I associate that word with). I said they should still be using female pronouns for her. She said they were using “transvestite” to mean crossdresser.
I can’t even. I know the show is based off of Swedish crime novels that were published in the 90s, but that is no excuse.
I know EXACTLY the episode you are talking about and yep, super inappropriate. (Also super boring. MY GOD, KEN BRANAGH, WE KNOW YOU ARE SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT, YOU CAN STOP NOW.)
HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE GOOD NAME OF WALLANDER.
Ok, got that out, carry on. (Also, I believe in the episode in question it’s not totally clear whether the murderer is actually a cross-dresser (for which transvestite is a fully appropriate synonym) or trans. So I’m not sure that it was really terrible to be using male pronouns.)
It’s actually been around longer (its original form, “transgenderist,” is attributed to a couple different folks in the 1970s, including Virginia Price), but was originally intended as an alternative to transvestite/cross-dressers as a label. There’s actually a really interesting history of how trans terminology has changed and evolved in the last twenty years or so.
– A History Nerd
For the record, transsexual as a term is still used by some trans* people to describe themselves. In my experience, those who use it generally define it as describing those who have underwent SRS/GCS* surgery(s).
*SRS = Sex Reassignment Surgery; GCS = Gender Confirmation Surgery
GLAAD says: “Transsexual is an older term, popularized through medical use and sensational media coverage during the 1950s-60s. Many transgender people prefer the term “transgender” to transsexual, while some transsexual people prefer to use the term to describe themselves. Unlike transgender, transsexual is not an umbrella term, as many transgender people do not identify as transsexual.”
I fucking love Jimmy Carter.
Me too! Come to Atlanta and visit the Carter Center! Then move here and register to vote, so you can join me in electing his charming grandson Jason as our next governor.
He’s just the best.
My fiance is weirdly addicted to that Kim Kardashian game, to the point that when we were about to leave the house the other day he was like, “Wait, I just need to check on my Kardashians”. I’m glad someone else has admitted that it’s addictive, because I was starting to worry about him.
oh man I don’t know why, but “I just need to check on my Kardashians” made me laugh and laugh
Not having played the game, I’m picturing a tamagotchi with aggressive contouring and fake eyelashes, and that is hilarious.
Not just one, but a whole keychain full of them!
My boyfriend wouldn’t go to bed the other night because “I have to wait 3 minutes and then I can mingle!” I don’t know what that means but I guess it was important? So yeah, I feel you.
this all reminds me of me and my neopets circa 6th grade
“Mingling” is the usual term in Homeric Greek for “sexytimes,” FWIW.
/uselessdegree
I am going to silently scream in my head all day due to guinea worms. I looked up pictures! WHY DID I LOOK UP PICTURES
I read that article and looked at the infographic and have firmly decided never ever to look up pictures ever. Instead, I will simply be thankful that those who are working on it have made such great progress in wiping it out. AND THAT’S ALL. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT THE WORMS EMERGING FROM THE FOO- dammit.
Listen, if Jimmy Carter runs for president again, I’m voting for him. He is the only candidate that I am aware of who is close to stopping an impending alien invasion. I read a lot of Animorphs as a kid, so I know what alien invasions look like.
This should be the next hot campaign ad. Remember the 2008 ads about who do you want getting the call at three in the morning? Like that, but instead of ~terrorism~ it’s alien invasion.
NEVER LOOK AT THE PICTURES is my new internet motto. It’s working really well so far.
I met a dude with Guinea Worm once and he had to wear a sock all the time so people wouldn’t run away from him. And it was very hot to be wearing socks. 🙁
Well let’s not forget the deaths were of Native women, so that’s like negative interest in the police doing anything. (And it’s not just limited to Vancouver either.)
To pile on the Pickton disgust, Robert would take his homemade “sausage” to the bars he frequented and give it away to patrons like some demented Robin Hood character. This was told to me by someone who witnessed it on one occasion. I had no reason to doubt her story.
He was a sick, depraved fuck. Period.
Oh no this is the lowest of low brow comments on this thread but the angry bee sex story in the Jezebel article just killed me! 😀 😀
I was DYING at that one. Can we start our own awkward sex thread?
i have so many stories
so many
Ok I’ll be brave and go first! My worst was Punchy, my sophomore year of college. We had hung out a few times, and he had a green mohawk, which was absolutely what I was going for at the time. Anyway, we were hanging out and flirting at a party one night, seemingly heading toward hooking up, when he disappeared. He was the only person I knew at the party, so I went in search for him, when I find him in a bedroom doing coke with a bunch of other people. Not my scene, so I went back downstairs, but eventually he found me and we started making out and got kicked out of the party because we made out on the coked-out host’s bed and he was all angry.
ANYWAY, we get back to my room, where he immediately…goes on the computer to check his email. Then he comes to bed and we’re making out, but then he stands up and says “I have something to ask you. Normally I wouldn’t do this on the first night, but you seem pretty cool. I want you to punch me.” Now, I am not here to kink-shame anyone, just saying that maaaaaybe he was right to not bring this up drunk on the first night. But of course, because I’m “cool,” I go for it and punch him in the face.
He is SO EXCITED and pounces on me, and I proceed to get this weird drunk lesson in BDSM stuff, but he’s really judgmental. All like “no that was too hard, that was too soft, no you need to hit higher, no lower, no not that spot,” and I’m just like dude, I’m wasted and we’re rolling around and I’ve never done this and you need to cut me some slack. Eventually I am so exhausted that I fake getting the wind knocked out me so we can go to bed.
The next morning he refused to leave until I’d make out with him again, so I obliged, at which point he said “You’re a really good kisser. Obviously I’ve had better but you’re way above average.”
Punch him in the FACE!!
“way above average”
aaaaaaahhhh
Some added fun facts:
1. He said he thought I was cool because when my internet didn’t work, I suggested…I can’t even remember, but something really basic that anyone would do if the internet isn’t working. Like, turning off and on the router.
2. A few weeks before we had this whole conversation about how annoying people are who overstay their welcome, and he made a big point of saying he’d rather just be told “you gotta go” and he’d go. Obviously this did not work.
3. His excuse for not leaving was that his dorm, 2 blocks away, was too far for him to walk in his hungover state.
WAY ABOVE AVERAGE
I will go for an almost-hookup story, because that’s more awkward than any full on sexual encounter that I have ever had.
Sophomore year of college (what is it about sophomore year??), I had just split with my abusive boyfriend. Most of our friendbase were mutual friends that sided with me, thankfully, but there was still a great deal of overlap. This overlap would include Mr. Pretentious, who was probably the first ‘hipster’ I ever met. Really into movies and music that ‘nobody had ever heard of,’ journalist/film major, blahblah. ANYWAY
So we met at a hall party one day and hit it off pretty well. Traded AIM names and chatted occasionally, somewhat flirtily, and one weekend I was in the dorm and he asked if he could come over and watch a movie with me. Something I was sure to like, I’d probably never heard of it, you know.
It was Clerks. (Not a bad movie choice, I love Kevin Smith, but…’something I’d never heard of??’)
So we’re watching it sitting on my dorm bed and he asks me if he could give me a foot massage. I am so naïve and innocent at this point in my life that I say yeah, sure, what could go wrong? Again – not trying to kink shame or anything, but this guy was a MAJOR foot fetishist.
The awkward part would continue one night a little later in the semester. My best friend was up visiting from home and we were watching cartoons or something. He stopped by to hang out with us and things were going smoothly until my ex started IMing the crap out of me, asking where the fuck I was, typical bullshit and I told myself that I was just going to ignore it. I proceeded to until twenty minutes later when he started BANGING at my door, DEMANDING that I come outside. I locked the door and apologized to my guests (quietly) until I believe campus security dragged him away.
BFF has passed out at this point – it’s like four in the morning – and I’m watching History Channel with Mr. Pretentious. He was on the floor in a sleeping bag and he asks if he can come up and share my bed with me. I agree, because I know how shitty a dorm floor can be (and I am very much ‘whatever’ at this point, sorry BFF). He proceeds to play footsie with me…and promptly passes out until sometime after noon, long after BFF has gone home, and then I don’t hear from him ever again.
Turns out that ex bf got all bro code on him and it scared him away. So much fucked up stuff happened that year but this was what got my ex permabanned from my floor.
UGH DUDES
Ugggghh, the dudes who are the bossiest, brattiest bottoms are the worst. Like, “do you really need to bring extra quantities of dude privilege to this encounter? We can negotiate on the fly without you having to be an asshole about it.”
In related news, I need more strategies for dealing with a (not-as-“cute”-as-he-thinks-he’s-being) bratty bottom.
Ugh. You need to tell him it’s not cute. If you are nicer than I am you don’t have to use those words. Try some version of “I’m not really into the whole brat thing. If you have concerns about how I top, or specific things you want me to do/not do, please talk to me about it out of scene, but during I like to have my competence [/authority/whatever is right for you] respected. When you [insert specific behavior] it doesn’t make me want to punish you, it just makes me annoyed and makes me not want to play anymore.”
It might be that being bratty is important to him, and maybe you are ok with him doing it sometimes when you agree. In any case, how he reacts to that conversation and whether he sticks to whatever you agree to will tell you a lot about whether he is worth your time.
the-toast.net: come to make fun of Prudie, stay for well-reasoned and insightful kink advice.
Well put, and especially the last bit (“makes me not want to play anymore”) I have filed away for later use. I’ve only ever encountered this once in pick-up play, and that scene was saved when a longer-term partner of his/friend of mine wandered into the room, asserted ownership over him, and I proceeded to only ask her for feedback on intensity.
I’ve also realized that I just want more mind games in my arsenal. I’ve definitely known a few dudes who loved the “oh, that feels nice, when does the hurting actually start” line of brattiness, who would then crumble and die if you, say, ordered them to sing a song for the whole room. Clearly the solution is to find more ways to tap into childhood insecurities.
I think I have told this story before, either here or on the Hairpin, but it remains my greatest awkward/horrible sex story, over 10 years later.
I was dating a guy who had previously dated one of the girls I shared an apartment with. We were friends, though not super-close. He was my first boyfriend, and the first guy I had sex with. So, there we are, mid-coitus, my first ever PIV sex, and he says, “you are so much better than [ex-girlfriend]”. While he was inside me.
Gahhhhhhh
Oh god. Once I had… a thing… round my house. It involved several people. Anyway, some chemistry student started getting angry because he wasn’t getting anything, and I was all… dude, no. And he was kicked out.
BUT he was only kicked out because I’d learned my lesson from a previous event, which remains the only time I have given a guy a blowjob out of sheer britishness. I mean, he was there, and no-one was, and it felt rude not too. The worst thing is I knew him personally, and he’s the sort of guy who makes up for a lack of personality by getting more poorly-cared-for piercings.
Anyway, another hot girl did the same, and now she and I are…. VERY close, so not all bad.
Also, once I bled all over my partner with the heaviest unexpected period ever.
I once initiated a threesome because the friend whose dorm room we were in was totally ok with watching the other two of us have sex, but I felt really awkward about her being left out. It just felt rude not to include her, ok? And then a threesome happened.
For at least three weeks my high school boyfriend’s nose kept bleeding spontaneously during sex
three weeks of spontaneous non-contact-induced nosebleeds
while fucking
Was he an anime character?
Dude I was hooking up with’s best friend ambushes us (hint: I was the only one who was ambushed, FWB definitely knew this was going to happen) mid-coitus and the two of them start trying to talk me into a threesome. I want to emphasize this: they try to get me to do this while I am already engaged in sex. There is no lead-in, no calm and neutral approach, just, “hey, lemme get in on this?,” and this is their CLEARLY PLANNED STRATEGY, which consists of the friend “accidentally” walking in on us and acting all ~shocked and surprised~ before trying to smoove his way into the situation. Luckily FWB and I were pretty much clothed (let’s hear it for skirts!) so, I mean, the ambush itself could have been more horrible…but it means I had to have this ridiculous conversation while sitting on top of the dude (since disengaging while the friend watched would have made it worse), who eventually lit up a cigarette. I lit one too out of principle.
I got them to drop it, and then FWB brought it up AGAIN mid-second-attempt-at-coitus. I had already said that if they didn’t drop it I was leaving, and I actually did get up and start putting my clothes on until he backpedaled. The fact that I didn’t just go home at that point is due to a) being a bit drunk and b) the fact that walking around in that city alone late at night was just really not the best idea. (In fact, just going home in the early morning I was followed by some guy to the point where I was literally running, so…yeah, glad I didn’t make that play in the dark.)
I woke up the next morning to find FWB’s friend sleeping in the bedroom with us. Luckily, this was the last night I was ever ever going to see either of them (hurray for various people leaving the country), so that was the end of that.
WHAT ARE MEN
what are men indeed
While I was figuring out my particular flavor of queerness I went home with this couple one night. Turns out that they were in couples counseling because the dude’s ex-wife left him for a woman (OH THAT EXPLAINS THIS WEIRD VIBE THEN) and that their couples counselor was someone I worked with on a hotline.
So. Mostly it was awkward after that. For me.
Speaking of religions and extraterrestrial life: the Heaven’s Gate website is still up and functional. Who is still paying their webhosting fees, when all but one of them committed suicide 17 years ago? The question is keeping me up at night.
Maybe they got a good deal and prepaid for 50 years.
Maybe Marshall Applewhite had a bank account set to autopay and it’ll just die when the money runs out, like that New Yorker article about Pia Farrenkopf.
“Well, the comet is coming in what? Two years? BUT IT IS SUCH A DEAL.”
I imagine they also went overboard at Costco.
Real good wireless on that comet
They actually have a small network of supporters! I know this because I wrote a paper on them a couple of years ago and sent an e-mail to the webmaster to see what would happen, and what happened was a very nice person sent me a very nice e-mail offering to sell me some materials at actually very reasonable cost. (The school I was attending at the time actually had all of the materials in their archives, so I declined.) But yeah, Heaven’s Gate is actually still a thing. I’m sure you could join them if you wanted. You’d probably have to believe that Marshall Applewhite is living in space somewhere, but that seems benign enough.
This is an appealing proposition, but it really depends on whether they have any more mass suicides scheduled.
This is such excellent data! Thank you for sharing!
Aliens.
I just went to check my library catalog to see if we own On the Farm (we do not; life is full of sadness) and the first result was On the Farm: Fun Farm Songs! I am picturing the weirdest musical right now. What the hell, Sweeney Todd needs some company.
That’s some pretty dark humour there, although I don’t think any of the victim’s families would find it funny.
Sorry, but I have a soft spot for sex-trade workers.
You are very right. My sense of humor is frequently so dark as to become entirely insensitive. I apologize.
Thank you for the straight up apology; that takes courage!
Sent from my iPad
I JUST CAN’T watch videos like this, even though the kitten is adorable and hilarious, because I want to rush in there and soothe it and take away the thing that is causing so much confusion.
This is also why I can’t watch Disney movies. Particularly The Lion King, I feel too bad for Scar at the end.
*waves* HI, ZOE! I am glad you’re a Toastie too.
My link contribution: New OKCupid Blog Post! Hooray! OKTrends is definitely the Number One Best Thing about that site, I still go back and reread all the posts.
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/we-experiment-o…
What I love about their posts is how unapologetically they confirm that websites like theirs pander to our worst impulses. There’s a sentence in this one that sums it up: “Basically, people are exactly as shallow as their technology allows them to be. “
Yes. It’s so reassuring when you’re wading through the crazy of that world. After another exhausting half-hour of reading messages and debating whether to compose replies and composing those replies and then remembering how bleh the last ‘date’ was…. I could always just go read about how predictable we humans all are.
Feeling cynical about online dating? So are the website’s founders!
“He was the first Canadian to use alcohol as a murder weapon.”
This opens the door for so many questions! Who was the first non-Canadian to use alcohol as a weapon? Have there been MORE Canadians who have used alcohol as a murder weapon?
It is our accidentally-on-purpose friend.
When my father married his second wife, I found out about 1 hour before they went to the courthouse, but at least I was invited (I was 14). When he married his third wife, he finally let me know after a few days via email (we live in separate countries so there was no invite). My father is a lovely man but he has kept me at arm’s length w/r/t his personal life in a way my mom never has.
That girl and I will share a lot of the same father issues, I think.
That face transplant article is EXTREMELY REAL. So many questions and issues all swirling around and creating a mucky weird pool of medical science and emotions and sadness and joy. Really excellent writing, too.
I really enjoyed that article as well; I was left with the impression Richard’s mother is an unhealthy influence, to say the least. And I would have loved reading the ex-girlfriend’s perspective on pre-transplant Richard.
Excellent writing, for sure.
I want to read it but (this is terrible of me) I am sort of terrified of seeing the “before” photos. Like, I am at work and will probably make some involuntary noise of horror, especially given that the opening paragraph describes his face as “too hideous to show.” Can someone who is braver than me let me know if there are pre-transplant pics?
Yes, there are two, and one taken shortly after surgery, as well as an illustration of the surgery itself.
His pre-surgery face, while not ‘normal’ was not ‘hideous’. Yeah, you’d stare at his face on first meeting, but it was not as horrible as it was described. Or at least it did not seem that way to me.
Like most pictures that are “too hideous to show,” it’s not as bad as you’d think from that description. Most of the difficulty, for me, came from imagining how hard life would be if you were, essentially, missing the majority of your face (everything from the eyes down). His eyes are completely fine, and those are the injury sites that usually freak me out the most.
I have yet to play the Kardashian game, but I’ve been enjoying the second-hand male moral outrage about its popularity in the gaming community quite a bit. Collecting sniper rifles or driving fast, expensive cars is a totally normal human desire, but make a game about celebrity and fame and the dudes are all “SUCH MATERIALISM!!!” and “DOWNFALL OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION!!!”
Of course! Materialism is only bad when women do it, obviously.
You guys D: one of my employees hasn’t shown up today. It’s almost noon and she starts at 8. She didn’t call or email me or anyone else to say she’d be late or not coming, and she didn’t mention anything yesterday. I called her home phone and cellphone and there was no answer. This isn’t like her and I’m really worried.
Does she have another emergency contact available–roommate, spouse, Mom or Dad, etc? I’d definitely be trying them by now.
Agree. This sounds like exactly what the emergency contact is for.
Update: she just came in. It turns out that she had left me and my boss a voicemail, but for some reason neither of our phones are displaying any notification that there are messages waiting. Which led to us discovering that we have a bunch of unheard voicemails dating as far back as March. Whatevs, I’m just glad she’s okay!
Phew!
…I will say, as a person who lives alone, I have been heartened that my job generally started worrying about me in just a few hours. (I’ve had a couple of similar kinds of mix-ups with communications.)
We have a guy at our job that will literally call you if you’re over an hour late and told no one because he’s a worrier. He’s ruined my sneaking-in-at-10:05 so many times, but I love him for caring.
Do you have an emergency contact for her? Call that person. If not, call the police and ask them to do a wellness check. I wouldn’t worry about overreacting.
Gah, I’m so glad there was a reasonable explanation and that everything was ok. This happened to us a few months ago at work and unfortunately it was the worst news. I always get panicky when people aren’t where they say they are!
Okay, question re: alcohol as murder weapon. He poured the booze down their throats as they were unconcious? In my experience, passed-out drunks aren’t known for their top-notch swallowing skills. Shouldn’t they have drowned?
I mean, this is HORRIBLE, but I have science questions.
You’re asking all the questions I was thinking! I can’t imagine a passed out person swallowing booze that is being poured down their throat! Choking/ coughing/ sputtering, yes, but not swallowing. I is confused. :-\
I would imagine that you lose the gag reflex while unconscious?
Did any other Texan on here read the Cut’s story about Stop Patriarchy? I’m not going to link to it because I found it to be super-frustrating, nonjournalism. Even though I know that there are women who support Stop Patriarchy, the whole thing feels like mansplaining. Like us idiot Texans don’t know how to fight for our rights, so they’re going to do us the favor of showing us how it’s done. I feel like I know so many amazing people who work tirelessly to support reproductive rights in this state, and it’s just so offensive that all of our efforts are elided in favor of focusing on wacktavists with coathangers.
I did. Jessica Luther (@scATX) wrote a series of tweets about it, as well. Feels kind of like a regionalist version of mansplaining. It sort of seemed like their stance was, “Oh, those Texans don’t know how to protest. Lets go down there and show them how, but not co-ordinate with any local groups when we do it, so that there is maximum ill will.”
I consume true crime books like popcorn (bloody, bloody popcorn) but I think On The Farm would defeat even me. I live in Canada; it’s just too close.
For those of you who know the story of the Pickton murders in Vancouver – – you might be interested to know about the Survivors Totem, an art/public works project that’s fundraising right now :http://survivorstotempole.wordpress.com/
Hmm, I dunno. The oldest is seven. But you'd thing between four children and one parent, they'd work it out eventually.
I'm now trying to decide if perhaps I should rethink what gives me meaning in my life. If I'm not just here to provide the clean clothes, WHAT IS MY PURPOSE.
Kidding, obviously. I'm also here for food preparation 😉
No doubt they'd get there eventually. In his defence, it is a rather complex washing machine. He has done laundry, but just not with this machine. I had to actually read the instructions when we first got it.
I've been teaching my oldest (son) how to use it. So I guess in a year or two I won't be needed! Considering all the 'mummy-mummy-mummy' I get round the clock, that prospect sounds rather lovely.
Yeah, I can understand that.
I am in the strange position of both thinking that gender is the weirdest thing that we have collectively hallucinated ever, and also being trans. I don't think Judith Butler is considered a radical feminist (?), but the only worthwhile part of my literary theory class was getting to read all her discussions of the performativity of gender. And yet: switching to the performance of maleness requires constant contact with my two least-favourite things, doctors and paperwork, so if I haven't been 'really male' all along, why did I do it?
Ok, well, the occasional male privilege is pretty damn sweet (I won't deny it), but I had to trade my class privilege for it, and (since I'm genuinely surprised that I sometimes pass for cis now) it was never the actual reason, just an eventual bonus side-effect. "Luscious thigh hair, and also, bodily autonomy" are my answers so far. I keep trying to write a trans narrative for the toast about it, but it's haaard.
My link isn’t highbrow or anything, but: Inflatable Toast Mattress.
http://mcphee.com/shop/inflatable-toast-mattress….
Features include:
– 6′ x 7′
– Looks Like Giant Toast
It is the beautiful golden orange of Mallory’s true aura.
My link isn't highbrow or anything, but: Inflatable Toast Mattress.
http://mcphee.com/shop/inflatable-toast-mattress….
Features include:
– 6' x 7'
– Looks Like Giant Toast
It is the beautiful golden orange of Mallory's true aura.
I was just going to say that in the case of divorce, maybe it's not as important that the child have a say in the non-custodial parent's remarriage? But now I'm reading all these crazy stories about people's parents remarrying without telling them, and I'm swerving back toward "give them a say, dammit."
This seems especially true with kids who are underage and thus under the care of their parents/step-parents. I mean, if I died, I totally want my husband to find love again, but not with some nightmare lady who will make my (11-year-old) kid's life miserable.
When the kids grow up, all bets are off. I mean, my dad didn't give me a say in his second marriage (when I was 36).