Yeah, we got our auras photographed and analyzed. Wanna fight about it? We had our Toast Retreat in Sedona. You have to get your aura photographed in Sedona. You go to Philadelphia, you eat a cheesesteak; you go to the Vortex Capital of Arizona, you pay a friendly, long-haired lady in a white lace shawl to take a picture of your aura. Shut up. We each got a 23-page report about our auras and chakras and stress levels and heart openness, and you’re lying if you say you wouldn’t do the same thing.
Oh, but couldn’t you have spent that money more productively, like donated it to a thing or investing or a nice hat? Yes, probably. Are auras and chakras even part of the same spiritual tradition? I dunno, man. Isn’t this just another example of wealthy Americans appropriating various authentic rituals from various cultures, then garbling them into useless spiritual tchotchkes? Honestly, you’re being really combative about this, and I don’t think taking a picture of your aura is authentic to anything.
We had the option of buying a four-page report. Who on earth would pay for a meager four-page report about themselves? You’ve already decided to have your aura photographed and listen to a stranger talk about how you hold all your emotions in your throat; you’re not interested in just getting the basics. You’re deep in the desert of the feels.
One of our reports was more accurate than the other. Here is Nicole, with her MASSIVE, CRYSTAL-CLEAR BLUE-GREEN AURA:
“Deep green people are quick-minded, goal-oriented, social, material, communicative organizers.”
And here is Mallory, with her BULLSHIT MUDDY “INDIGO’ AURA THAT HAS A STUPID GREEN HAT ON IT INSTEAD OF THE SOUL OF ORANGE AND RED FLAME THAT SO OBVIOUSLY BURNS WITHIN ME:
“Clarity, calm, deep inner feelings, loving, loyal, introverted, inner values, artistic.” LIKE HELL.
Yes, of course, I look beautiful and beatific beyond the lot of mortal women, but this is cold comfort.
Aura Size
NICOLE: “A strong and powerful radiance. Other people can feel your strong aura. Use your charisma and aura power to achieve your goals and dreams.” ACCURATE
MALLORY: “You have an average aura, with radiant energy. You can achieve your goals by increasing your aura even more and focusing on your goals.” WHAT
Chakra Intensity
MALLORY: “You have a balanced, harmonious heart chakra, signifying openness and deep inner feeling.” WHAT
NICOLE: “You have a large, overactive, high-energy throat chakra.” ACCURATE
MALLORY: “Low creativity, intellectual and analytical thinking or playful qualities. Have more fun and joy in your life, increase your creativity.” WHAT
MALLORY: “You have a slightly unbalanced, underactive throat chakra; you may have limited emotional and verbal expression and difficulty communicating your emotions.” WHAT
Stress Levels
NICOLE: “The relaxation graph shows your physical relaxation or stress level and is mainly based on your body temperature. You have a high relaxation level, very balanced and high energy.” ACCURATE
Emotiometer
MALLORY: “Centered, stable, unemotional, passive, does not express emotions easily, keeps emotions inside.” HOW MUCH MORE EXPRESSING DO YOU WANT ME TO DO
NICOLE: “Very emotional and sensitive, expresses emotions freely.” FUCK YOU NICOLE
Unbalanced emotions
MALLORY: “Your right male active body side has a higher energy level than your left female passive side.” HOW VERY DARE YOU
NICOLE: “Your female, left side of your body seems to be more active than your right active masculine side.” NICOLE IS THE DIVINE MOTHER
MALLORY: “Are you more concerned about others than yourself? You may find it difficult to set your boundaries and to say NO.” I AM IN A COMMITTED SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH BOUNDARIES
MALLORY: “Clear deep blue shows your desire to be of service. You may be introverted, feeling misunderstood, not wanting to deal with the world. You may need to escape through dreams and fantasies.” WHAT
NICOLE: “Clear, bright and rich greens indicate that you are an outgoing and social person. You make a great friend.” KING NICOLE, EVERYBODY LOVES HER
MALLORY: “Indigos have no need to understand mental concepts…Their honesty and friendly attitude can lead to many opportunities creatively and in business. Their bodies may be delicate.” BULLSHIT
NICOLE: “Greens usually accept the authority of others without offering any resistance.” AT LAST
Tags: aura photography, auras, religion, religious miscellany, sedona, self-absorption, spiritual tchotchkes, the desert of the feels
I just want to point out, like the jackass I am, that I was _entirely right_ about the purple thing. Back to streaming Frances McDormand now.
(smiles serenely and accurately and everyone loves her)
fuck off troll
I’m coming over to french braid your hair, Mall. That should help.
hahahahahhahahahaaha
I just wish I could see your incredible biceps in your aura pic. One day?
I have never wanted to go to Sedona, or anywhere, and get my Aura Report more than I want to do at this very moment.
omg it is such a great place, it is GORGEOUS and avoiding the hippie woo-woo nonsense there isn’t that hard, and it’s such a dry heat, i love dry heat
It sounds like you have loads more fun NOT avoiding the hippie woo-woo nonsense…
“Low creativity, intellectual and analytical thinking or playful qualities. Have more fun and joy in your life, increase your creativity.”
I’m glad someone said it. Better step it up, Mallory.
“NICOLE: “Very emotional and sensitive, expresses emotions freely.” FUCK YOU NICOLE”
laughing so much
I can’t help but think a lot of the aura reading was giving you grief for being queer, Mallory.
THIS AURA READING WAS HOMOPHOBIC
“she’s clearly gay, because her right male side is more active”
i’ve seen your hats… there’s no way the right male side is anything but defeated and mocked.
hey hey hey
i’m bi and i ROUND UP
Rounding Up to Lesbian is a memoir I want to read.
I have never read a more accurate summary of my sexuality until now
“You may need to escape through dreams and fantasies.” – Ronbledore is *not* a fantasy, ok
“Indigos have no need to understand mental concepts”
Indigos are all about the non-mental concepts, y’all. (what)
TWO PAGES LATER IT SAID “INDIGOS ARE INTELLECTUAL”
Indigos can proof-read
I think it means mental concept as in, like, the concept of taking a cheesy mall photo of your soul in order to divine your own true personality is pretty mental. And, clearly, Mallory doesn’t see any need to understand it.
You have to go back and put on a crystal necklace and see what happens. Or bring one if those triangle wire hats. For science!
we’re going back next year and I’m going to get my aura photographed at every place that offers it until I get the ORANGE-RED READING I SO RICHLY DESERVE
What kind of aura photography are we talking about? This article about an aura photgraphing setup with hand plates says that it’s based on skin resistance at (between?) accupuncture points, and that higher frequencies correspond to warmer colours. Details are a bit fuzzy because it seems to be saying that current and resistance are the same thing, so I’m not sure if you need more resistance or more current/less resistance. I’m also not sure how to change your skin’s resistance at specific frequencies, but applying hand lotion right before you go in to the aura photography place would probably be a good thing to try first.
Also, though, the photos in that article are totally different than the ones here, so I guess it’s probably a different setup.
I just want to say that I really, un-ironically appreciate that you’re trying to get to the bottom of how to scientifically game the aura photographs.
But am I really trying to figure out how to game them, or am I only trying to improve their accuracy so that they can show the orange-red aura that Mallory so clearly has?
Wait, nevermind, I’m totally trying to figure out how to game them.
https://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorisyourauraqui…
Oh, Sedona! Can you imagine actually living there? I suppose some people do?
“Vortex Capital of Arizona” – Do other states have vortex capitals, I wonder? I would visit them all!
Sedona is BEAUTIFUL, it is surrounded by RED ROCKS and WINERIES.
It is SO gorgeous. Probably the biggest thing I miss about living in Colorado is being able to jump in the car and drive for less than a day and be surrounded by the prettiest rocks in the entire world.
My brain parsed that sentence as RED ROCKS and WIENERS and dammit, I don’t even know what to do with that, brain. I blame a clearly indigo aura! Mental concepts, who?
Viennese people everywhere. . . .
ME TOO
ME THREE
In all fairness, some of those rocks do look super phallic.
Oregon has at least one vortex, if not enough to make a Vortex Capital: http://www.oregonvortex.com/
I AM IN A COMMITTED SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH BOUNDARIES
amazing
TO CLARIFY — because my friend Maddie read this and freaked out (“YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME?”) my relationship is with boundaries, not a human.
Oh, yes, I thought that was clear.
The actual best
Seriously this is my favorite thing that has been said by anybody all week.
I met Mallory at the Toast party; her aura looks like the eye of Sauron, but prettier. That is the worst aura report ever.
Those photos remind me a little bit of graduation photos, or school photos. Wouldn’t it be awesome if ID photos and grad and school photos all came with aura readings as well? That way when the cop pulls you over, he can just say “Oh, what a lovely blue aura you’ve got there! Blues are known for their common sense and responsibility–no ticket for you!” or whatever.
Growing up, a lot of the other kids in school had this funky pink and blue laser aura:
I always had to settle for a milky pea-green cloud aura, so I feel Mallory’s pain.
I remember you, pink and blue lasers! PEW PEW PEEEWWWW
I never got those as a kid, so I did it as an adult.
https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak…
HOW I AM JEALOUS JUST LIKE IN SECOND GRADE
A friend/amateur photographer did it for me!
Nicole is pregnant, clearly she is aura’ing for two.
left female passive side
how did you not pull the eyeballs out of the head of the person who issued you this report
i tried but i just collapsed languidly on the nearest couch
I AM IN A COMMITTED SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH BOUNDARIES
Same, though. Same.
HOW MUCH MORE EXPRESSING DO YOU WANT ME TO DO
All of it, forever, without ceasing or sabatical. That’s all we ask for.
Are you both wearing vests in these pictures? If so – CONGRATULATIONS ON DOING SEDONA RIGHT! (I can only dream that your feet were beBirkenstocked.)
lol no it was 112 degrees, we were in FLIMSY DRESSES
Sedona is vests? I must move there immediately.
This post is reminding me of how much I eternally regret not getting my aura read by two awesome lesbian metalworking artists who raised emus when I was in rural Nova Scotia
I think we’ve located the Vortex Captial of Nova Scotia. It’s an emu farm.
I was so excited to learn that tons of people in Nova Scotia raise emus! It is truly a magical land.
what what whaaaaat
I almost fainted while reading that. Quick, get me to the lesbian metalworkers for healing!
New goal: Start yelling I AM IN A COMMITTED SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH BOUNDARIES at dudes hitting on me in bars.
I grew up in Phoenix, so I’ve been to Sedona a buttload of times. Never got my aura picture taken though. I’m always more interested in the ice cream/fudge shop on the main road.
Did you see any of the fire damage in nearby Oak Creek? My parents and I are going up there in two weeks and I’m excited to see the extent of the damage (I took a fire ecol class last semester ok don’t judge me).
We stayed in Oak Creek, and were forbidden from having fires!
WHAT IS A THROAT CHAKRA AND HOW DO I GET ONE
Carpe… jugulum?
“Mallory Ortberg has limited facility with Thinking and no interest in mental concepts. You can find her working emotionlessly with her abucus, keeping her simple opinions to herself. She is delicate-bodied and an Editor of The toast.”
rewrote your bio for you according to your aura YOU’RE WELCOME
I am reusing my tweet reply to Mallory because it’s a free country. Hers has the cowl of misandry.
I’m from southern California, and the majority of my childhood vacations involved hopping into a station wagon and riding around the Southwest with occasional stops at places where I was told I was having fun. We went to Sedona multiple times and I did indeed have fun there, but for some reason my parents never took us to get our auras read. Very disappointing. I think I missed out on some essential Sedona-ness.
I had a psychic reading once when I was in high school and VERY ANGRY, and I made a point of glowering and not reacting to anything that was said to me. I am supposed to be SUPER RICH right now, I guess because glowering and not reacting means you are destined to be a sociopath who is very good at money. The psychic did not tell any other person in our group that they would get all the money. They apparently did not glower enough.
I was told by a library patron that I had a strong, substantial aura, which I used to beat him up.
That’s amazing and I can’t believe you have to deal with that kind of person all day. Your aura beat up his aura, like a fight between daemons while the humans stand idly by, or you loomed around him so that your aura engulfed his physical presence and upset him? His aura might have been really scrappy and started the kerfuffle.
Possibly this means your aura hated the aura-reading lady so much it ACTIVELY RESISTED giving her an accurate reading so it could laugh at her unfathomable wrongness later.
How VERY dare they!
I think I would be too scared of being told I have no aura to get mine read.
I’ve never thought to be afraid of having no aura before, but it’s pressing on me now. Like the fear that automatic doors won’t open for me, because I’m secretly a ghost.
So…thanks for that.
Hey, some of us have been told by (supposed) friends that they “just don’t see anything”, and delicately ignored by other aura-seers in their rounds about the room, and we’re JUST FINE. We’re FINE. There’s NOTHING WRONG WITH US.
NOTHING.
My Mum claims to be able to read auras – I’m an indigo child apparently. Still waiting for my promised psychic powers to manifest, but surely it will begin soon.
My favorite substitute in high school had a head injury and could see auras. We frequently got him to stop teaching and read them, because it was way more fun than learning. I was all stupid and blue, doomed to be introverted and love deeply and crap like that.
lost it at “HOW VERY DARE YOU”.
So you guys get to totally write this off, right?
monthly aura reports are definitely a legitimate business expense
Mallory I think you pissed off that aura lady what did you say to her!?
Or maybe your real aura is TOO perfect and beautiful?
Mallory I think you pissed off that aura lady what did you say to her!?
Or maybe your real aura is TOO perfect and beautiful?
they could have saved time and ink by making Mallory a report that said “Fuck You” on the first 20 pages, then a blank page, 22nd page “ps.” 23rd page “FUCK YOU”
Seriously this is my favorite thing that has been said by anybody all week.
Hey, some of us have been told by (supposed) friends that they "just don't see anything", and delicately ignored by other aura-seers in their rounds about the room, and we're JUST FINE. We're FINE. There's NOTHING WRONG WITH US.
NOTHING.
They basically called you a Hufflepuff
My dream is to go and get a picture of my aura taken, and the aura photographer screams for about a minute straight, throws the picture in the fire without showing me, and tells me I can never return.
In all seriousness, we are all the Divine Mother, though.
“MALLORY: “You have a slightly unbalanced, underactive throat chakra; you may have limited emotional and verbal expression and difficulty communicating your emotions.” WHAT”
This may be the funniest thing I have read since the Lesbian Separatist Entwives