Before we get started, I just want to share how much fun I have been having not-approving late-breaking guest account comments on the Yellow Ranger piece! Just the ones that are, like: “Psssh, this isn’t racist. As a white man, people I run into when visiting Gstaad frequently ask me what kind of white man I am. –LolJustSaying.”
Hahahaha, it’s our site, we can do whatever we want. (Merrily hits mark-as-spam button.)
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Aww, the article about fancy toast y’all have been sending gets pretty real, huh?
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Sarah Marshall pointed me towards the Wiki entry for “soap operas,” and, in particular, this sub-page:
Domestic interiors are often furnished with stained wood wall panels and furniture, and items of brown leather furniture. This is to give a sumptuous and luxurious look suggesting the wealth of the characters. Daytime serials often foreground other sumptuous elements of set decoration; presenting a “mid-shot of characters viewed through a frame of lavish floral displays, glittering crystal decanters or gleaming antique furniture”.
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Gary Grimshaw has died. You may not know the name, but you’ve probably seen his groovy posters.
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“Well yes, there was a reason Typhoid Mary was put on an island, and forced to stop making fruit cups for everyone.”
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Here is the Hatchet Job of the Year shortlist.
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The long New York Magazine piece on the “cannibal cop” is a must-read.
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PANIC, bitch.
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Roxane Gay on everything she read last year. Soon, you can read her new book! I have an advance copy, but youuuuu can’t borrow it until I’m done.
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Tags: feminism, link roundup, the internet
I love that you’re marking all the latecomer jerk folks as spam. Amazing.
I just finished the Cannibal Cop story… good god. I don’t blame his wife for taking the kid and leaving, if I’d found that kind of stuff I’d be terrified. I can see the argument that it was all based on thoughts and fantasies and it’s dangerous to start taking people’s fetishes and immediately assuming criminal behavior would come out of them, but the guy was googling real people’s details and home addresses. I think that goes a little beyond “it’s just a fetish,” honestly, and I’d see it as the first step toward an eventual real-life incident. I think anyone would agree that you’d rather catch someone before they kill someone than after if you have the opportunity, right? And if someone’s starting to google people’s addresses and features, that looks like premeditation to me.
We’ve basically never deleted a comment, but if I have to APPROVE your comment and it’s more than three days late and whines about reverse racism, it ain’t gonna happen. Go start your own blog and cry about it there.
The Yellow Ranger piece got Metafiltered*, where (not suprisingly) the conversation included some of what you so succinctly described: “Psssh, this isn’t racist. As a white man, people I run into when visiting Gstaad frequently ask me what kind of white man I am,” so I knew it was only a matter of time before some of the run-off reached The Toast.
*Dear MeFi, I like you and also I am increasingly tired of having the same 101 conversations with you. I wasn’t this forbearing with my cranky old uncle; why would I be with you?
Yeah, there are certainly a lot of interesting legal implications to that story. Funny to see it linked here this morning, because I was just listening to an older episode of Radiolab about Blame that ties in really well. (The story featured at the top is particularly horrifying/legally problematic).
Most of what I can summon with regard to the cannibal cop story, though, is D: D: D: D: D: D:
ALSO, I am uncomfortable with the inclusion of the full names of the women Valle wrote about killing/cooking/eating in the article. It doesn’t seem at all necessary and I can only imagine how horrifying it was for them to find out about this stuff in the first place.
Yes. How is that relevant? Especially given that he never shared their full names or addresses with the people he was chatting with. None of the physical equipment he claimed to have in his emails/chats actually existed. It’s super scary, and there should definitely be consequences for misuse of the police database, but he didn’t take any actual steps toward hurting anyone. And is facing life in prison. Which is terrifying.
I’m with you. The Googling of addresses (and use of police databases to get information) … I see the thought crime arguments, but I don’t think the jury was on a witch hunt.
Also, I don’t know, but all the “he was the nicest guy” stuff … well, his wife, the person he was closest too, apparently felt her life was at risk. I might trust her judgment over a psychiatrist who saw him only briefly.
That ‘Don’t Panic’ article hit way too close home.
I loved being 30 and single. I was newly single at the time, so it did start off as a bit of a hideous ‘I’ve lost everything I’ve based my life on for the last 10 years so nothing matters any more’ but I started getting tattoos, had an affair with an 18 year old, took up skiing, started learning to learn to ride a motorbike (but stopped the first time I flipped it over on top of myself) bought the horse equivalent of a fancy sports car, and found out I was having so much fun in my midlife crisis that I have carried on ever since, without the crisis.
I wonder if the difference is that I have always assumed as a default that I would be single, and tend to be quite taken aback when I’m not. When I was with my long-term BF (he left me two weeks before our 10th anniversary) I assumed it was going to last, but once I was over the immediate grief of that not happening I was perfectly happy with the prospect of being a confirmed spinster. I do have a BF now, but it’s a long-distance thing and I do have to remind myself I’m actually not single on occasion. Nobody who actually knows me at all has ever said anything to me in the way of ‘you’ll find a man’ – they all know I don’t particularly want one!
Yo, that crisis sounds FUN. Well-done. I would like one of those.
I thoroughly recommend it. These last 6 years have been a blast. I’m having a second teenagerhood but with the added bonuses of a disposable income and my own place.
“Horse equivalent of a sports car.” Good god, I can’t wait until I’m rich and glamorous enough to buy one o’ those. Have fun!
She actually cost me very little – I’d been competing her for her owner all her life, and when I mentioned I’d like to do something positive with some of the money from the ex buying me out of the house, she said ‘do you want Petal’ and charged me the amount she’d have been worth before I started working with her 14 years previously. She’s the light of my life, I’ve got her name (her registered name, not Petal) tattooed on my ribcage.
But please, carry on thinking I am either rich or glamorous!
That is like a beautiful fairytale dream come true! I’m so happy for you! Perhaps you were/are competing in hunter/jumper, which is my old scene. I got out of that years ago, but I would NOT hesitate to spend a huge amount of money on the perfect Irish Warmblood because perfect horses are perfect.
We did New Forest breed classes and dressage – I’m in the UK so we don’t have hunter/jumper but I kind of know what it involves thanks to horsey people on the interweb. She had an accident when she was 5 so doesn’t jump as she damaged her shoulder badly and is lucky enough to be alive and sound that we didn’t want to risk jumping her. These days we just charge round the countryside while I rejoice that I don’t have to keep her clean any more (she is grey), and I compete her various offspring and nieces and nephews for the lady I got her from.
Perfect horses are indeed perfect and she is.
Yeah, I got divorced after 8.5 years when I was nearly 29, and by the time I hit 30 I was having SO MUCH FUN. I’m still rolling with that. (I too, learned to ride a motorcycle and bedded much younger men!)
Oh god, the 30 article. It hits the gays too. I just had my girlfriend break up with me on the grounds that she isn’t ready for a decade-long twenties-busting relationship and that, because I am thirty, I must want to be married already and not just vaguely worried that many of my friends are.
It was crushing, because I just _actually liked her_ and wanted to have fun for a while, 31 or not.
If anyone needs me, I have taken to the sea.
I’m sorry. 🙁 Take care.
Re: Hatchet jobs: the Lucy Ellmann review of Worst. Person. Ever. is my FAVE. It’s unsubtle, furious, attacking prose at its best – no snide, elegant undermining for her. She just HATED the book, and said so. I salute you, Lucy Ellmann.
As a passionate toast aficionado (says so right there on my business cards), I was beyond excited to read about hipster toast, but then I had to stop when it said Giulietta Carrelli has freckles tattooed on her cheeks and also “lived mainly on coconuts and grapefruit juice for three years, ‘unless someone took me out to dinner.'”
YOU GUYS D: D: D:
I had some serious D: at that point too, but keep reading. Trust, it turns into a good article about a woman who actually turns out to be pretty rad.
Totally agree that it ends up being a super compelling story, but what a spectacular way to bury the lede!
I agree with SSVerity! It is much less affected than that sounds.
Can I just say how happy I am to have The Toast/this general community? I’ll tell you why. Yesterday, a friend of mine/employee at my childhood comic shop posted something on Facebook that began “Sorry, ladies. You can post the “If male super heroes dressed like female super heroes” picture all you want, but really… no one in comics has EVER worn less than Sub-Mariner.” and ended with arguing that women objectify male comic characters all the time.
I was the only woman to comment on this thread that wound up being 84 comments long, and while my fiance managed to convince another guy that “hey maybe when people are saying they’re being marginalized you should listen to them,” nobody responded to me. Another guy later pointed out he thought it was funny that not one woman commented on the thread, and when the original poster pointed out that I commented, he followed it up by saying “however, there was one women who disagreed, and five who liked my original post.”
I just, I forgot what it was like to feel so ignored. And to have everyone around you telling you what women like/arguing “well I don’t see a problem” and you yelling “hey I’m a woman and I don’t wanna speak for everyone but I know this is an issue!” and no one even recognizing that you’re there.
tl;dr can I just live in a bubble here forever?
P.S. This thread included such gems as “Ok fine let’s pretend “privilege” is real or…something” and “If you want to bring up privilege and being told about self worth, men have it JUST as bad as women.” The guy who said the latter then used “feminine” as an insult, so, I…ugh.
PLEASE TELL ME THEY’RE ALL MEN’S RIGHTS ACTIVISTS OR SOMETHING THAT IS ABSOLUTELY MADDENING UGH
/ post a link to the misandrist nursery rhymes and see how they react.
The original poster definitely has some Nice Guy tendencies, but it was just insane! I mean really, so many that were just like “well I don’t really notice the women’s costumes being that bad and whatever, I like boobs” and I wanted to scream.
“let’s pretend privilege is real or something”
let’s pretend fire doesn’t burn or something *flamethrower*
When I was at my mother’s house for the holidays, she was listening to her favorite conservative talk radio station (Rush Limbaugh or someone equally terrible I’m sure) and he just started off on a 10-minute rant about how white privilege is just a liberal construct… I almost threw the radio out the window.
“Ok fine let’s pretend “privilege” is real or…something”
ARGH. I had a jerk tell me on a thread about objectification of women and beauty standards “You can find examples to disprove me but it won’t change the facts” when I was posting Actual. Scientific. Studies proving my point. I hate hate hate arguing with those guys, they are The Worst.
Oh! Oh! Another guy said something about not understanding why we worry about revealing costumes and sexualized female bodies in comics because “girls can see Victoria’s Secret or Sports Illustrated or lots of other places and see girls in their underwear.” WHICH IS ALSO AN ISSUE. Oh my god.
Heaven forbid your escapist media actually allow you to escape from the patriarchal bullshit of the real world!
OH MY GOD.
It’s so frustrating, isn’t it? I love The Toast because I, and my writing, are taken seriously here. If I say something wrong I’m called out, which is as it should be, and I am never just… ignored. I am not silenced and degraded and patted on the head.
It’s lovely.
Strongly seconded. The tiny amount of work I’ve placed here was treated so kindly, and reading the threads has possibly quintupled my capacity for empathy. Among my “friends and family” on social media? A 180 degree reversal. It’s better here. It just is. Even for an ancient grain who needs glasses to see 30 behind her.
Ugh, I’m sorry that happened! I know what that feels like, and it always feels so hugely absurd to have something you said pointedly ignored (especially if someone says “well no one spoke up against it!” when you’re sitting there knowing that you did, on that same damn page, just scroll up for fuck’s sake!). I feel like this happens all too often to pretty much everyone I know. I’ve got a good friend who is hugely active in skeptic circles and science blogging and she’s in constant battle mode just to be heard. I can’t imagine dealing with that on a day by day basis, it’s got to be wearing.
Anyway, I will join you in this Toasty bubble.
UUUUUUUUUUGH COMICS DUDES ARE THE WOOOORST
Fixed that for you:
UUUUUUUUUUGH COMICS DUDES ARE THE WOOOORST
KILL ALL MEN.
Uuuugh! I got into a ‘why Steven Moffat is a sexist ass’ argument with some dude on facebook ( and was wonderfully backed up by several other ladies), then a few days later was describing it to a guy in real life who I thought would agree but just tried to tell me that I misunderstood the intent of some of the things in Doctor Who. During this ‘explanation’ he was getting character and writer names wrong.
I know my takeaway from the Cannibal Cop thing is supposed to be about rights and legal definitions of crime and whatnot but instead it is NEVER DATING AGAIN.
And they met on OK Cupid! AHHHHH.
As a recently single 31 year old, I am suddenly very aware and very annoyed by this hulaballo about single thirtysomething women. In the last week alone, I saw two references to women over 30 being dismissed as too old on TV. Like, as a joke. “Ha ha, we want chicks but ewww none of these dried up 30 year olds!” Barf.
The worst part is, it gets to me and then I feel uncomfortable talking about it because I don’t want to perpetuate that bullshit and put more of it out into the universe.
So very agreed. With the semi-recently single and 31 parts too. Thankfully, my family is amazing and wonderful and have placed absolutely no pressure on me (my mother and her sister are confirmed spinsters, so it’d be hypocritical), it’s people my own age judging my singleness, which seems weird to me, and then also saying that once you hit your 30s, no bueno, and dating women in their early 20’s.
I know, it is so bizarre. I never feel old until the rest of the world tries to remind me that I’m supposed to feel old. And I don’t get it: I would much rather date 32-year-old me than 20-something me. I’m better at relationships now. I’m better at being a person now. Hell, I’m better at sex now. And that is no slight on 20-somethings, I was an alright 20-something, just now I’ve lived longer and had more experience and 10 years from now I’ll be even better at relationships and sex and being a person and be even more awesome to know/befriend/date.
From about my mid-twenties on, I’ve been looking forward to my thirties since I’ve assumed that the current trend of me getting happier, more competent, more capable, and more self-assured as I age would continue. The problem is that I keep getting blindsided by people bringing it up by telling me it’s “not that bad” and trying to console me or women in their thirties being half-jokingly gleeful that I’ll be “old” like them soon. I’m not even single right now, so I can’t imagine how many more annoying , unsolicited comments I’d get then.
Tangentially related to the Cannibal Cop story is this New Yorker post from today about the NSA & the CBS show Person of Interest… specifically internet/metadata surveillance and the possibility of using it to prevent crime. Taken together, there are some potentially very scary conclusions! http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/culture/201…
It’s tough, isn’t it? I mean, some people are clearly dangerous, but you don’t have to go too far down the road before you get to the Soviet approach of declaring dissidents mentally ill (otherwise why would they complain so much about the government when no one else is complaining?) and medicating them senseless.
I’m comfortable labelling that article a spectacular display of formalist concern-trolling over THOUGHT CRIMES on top of well-written but nevertheless sensationalist linkbait about the internet being full of scary people.
The cannibal cop thing is so doubly disturbing!! disturbing that this man was fantasizing and planning that stuff and using police databases for that kind of research – AND disturbing that he was actually found guilty of essentially thought crime! ah!
The most worrisome/notable part of the “omg I’m 30” piece:
“Checking my ID last weekend, a liquor-store clerk handed me a shot-sized bottle of Jameson on the house and said “you’ll be fine!” with a wan smile.”
1. wait, what
2. who does that
3. how can I make them do that for me
oh man I missed the part where she got a free bottle of Jameson and was ready to clock that guy!!!
Seriously. I’m gonna be 30 in three days, how can I make this work for me?
Yeah really, was she dressed in a way that made her look sad or something?
“I’M OLD AND SAD give me whiskey”
I’m so trying that! Sweat pants and streaky mascara: too much or just right??
I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE THIS WORK FOR ME.
I was buying wine at CVS yesterday and the guy behind the counter looked at my ID and said “oh, wow, you really don’t look your age”, which is generally accurate and I was fine with the comment but THEN he said “I mean, geeze, you’re FIVE YEARS older than me!” like that’s this huge gap and I am ancient. (I’m 28!!)
He could have at least given me some free whiskey, is what I’m saying.
Oh god Ive just met a brace of youngsters (20 – 26) who seem to think 29 is sooooo old. I’d get annoyed but I just cackle and strum my age ravaged fingers together and think “just you wait oh ‘young’ one …”
I once had one of my employees mistakenly say something to me about my being old. I’m 34. I was 33 at the time. I smiled at her and said, “Oh honey, when you turn 32 I want you to remember this moment, because from me now to you then: YOUR TURN.”
I spent a while watching American soaps on Dutch TV and I referred to them mostly as “room-talking,” because that’s what people did in them. Nice rooms, though.
FYI: The kindle version of Wolf Hall is $2.99 on Amazon.
Also, I’m turning 30 this year, am newly single, and NOT sharing any of the Teuscher chocolate I buy myself for valentine’s day this year with stupid slate.com.
I love Wolf Hall! That is such a bargain that I’m almost tempted to buy it again! But that would be dumb, so maybe I’ll just re-read it. My #readwomen2014 is basically going to be: “I re-read Middlemarch, then I re-read Persuasion, then I re-read all of the Hilary Mantel. . . .”
P.S. I’m not bothering to click on the 30-something piece because I have already made up my mind about what it is to be 30-something. I have some good stories from my 20s, but I actually have a good life in my thirties. And that life includes throwing a party every Valentines Day, which has has always been one of my favorite fake holidays whether I’m single or not. : )
My roomie and I are throwing a Valentine’s Day party too! This is mostly an excuse to make a vat of sangria and festoon our apartment in pink and hearts and glitter.
(I’m turning 30 in August, I’m single, I’m stoked. My 20s were a shitshow and I look forward to my 30s being awesome.)
Yes, exactly! I love pink and red and hearts and glitter and chocolate, so. . . what’s not to like? And if you throw Mardi Gras into the mix–which I usually do–you’ve got yourself a great party.
Rock on, soon-to-be-30something party lady.
Not enough misandry in that list of hatchet jobs. Are people really that terrified of the Dave Eggers of the literary world? Please direct me to any literary hatchet jobs that revel in male tears!
(PS, just to brag, I explained to my boyfriend the difference between actual human emotion and male fee fees, and he totally got it!)
HOW HAD I NEVER HEARD OF THIS CANNIBAL COP BEFORE, WHAT THE FUCK.
I am really regretting reading that right before lunch.
My cousins just experienced a very germy Christmas. It was awful – 11 people in the house, 10 got sick with stomach bugs. Worst Christmas ever for them (from what I hear); not only due to illness, but some deep emotional tension because of how people were reacting.
They think it can be traced to a party that one of their families went to the day before they were going to travel. The hostess had cooked all the food, and was laughing about how she had been vomiting the day before. WHO DOES THAT? IF YOU ARE SICK OR HAD BEEN SICK VERY RECENTLY – CANCEL.
A few years back, C.’s family’s Christmas was canceled for the same reason. The Grinch should’ve been taking notes, that’s how you cancel Christmas!
The Christmas before last, I stayed at my cousin’s house for a night before heading to the 4-day family reunion where all 40-50 aunts/uncles/cousins stay in one huge lodge (8 million times more fun than it sounds, I promise!) … in the car on the way to his house from the airport, he turns to me and says “oh by the way, both of my kids had really bad stomach bugs last night.” The kids, of course, being 2 and 4 and unspeakably adorable, climbed all over me, stuck their hands in my mouth, etc. You can guess what happened next.
The family called me Typhoid Alli all year, despite the fact that it was NOT MY FAULT.
“I want to be thirty, flirty and thriving”
Just thought Id add some pro 30 sentiment here to balance out that Slate thing.
+1 for 13 Going on 30
I’ve said this before, but my thirties are much, much better than my twenties (so far, at least). I’m figuring a lot of shit out and making plans for where to go from here and just feeling better about myself in general. And I have looked all over my body and there is no stamp stating that I must be wedded prior to “X” age or I will go bad, so…?
Yeah my twenties sucked, really. I see no use in sugarcoating. And I would someday like to contact my long term ex from that decade and be like, yo, I’m sorry the me you got was the buggy beta release. I’ve been single since then and am reconsidering the monogamous romantic-sexual relationship format in general.
I love the phrase “buggy beta release”. Yeah, that’s about right for me too.
[N]one of us had to seek out advice or indicate any level of concern for people to tell us not to be concerned. Aunts and uncles: I wasn’t worried until you told me not to worry!
Make no mistake: this is no accident. Anyone who tells you this is actively trying to make you feel insecure, because your failure to adhere to whatever they imagine is the status quo makes them uncomfortable, and they are trying to pass that on to you. I cannot stress this enough.
Agreed. This also applies to people who say things like, “Wow, that was fast, good for you!” after you tell them that you’ve started seeing someone seriously about 9 months after your now-ex-husband moved out. “Wow, that was fast, good for you” is code for “You didn’t wear sackcloth and ashes for an appropriate amount of time after your divorce.”
Heavens help you if you start dating someone before the Divorce NISI turns into Divorce Absolute, too.
Sorry, I obviously still have Feelings about my divorce.
Aww that artisan toast story was lovely! Still not paying four bucks for a slice of toast tho.
But mostly when I go to a coffee house, I’m faced with a choice between an overpriced bagel-and-schmear, a sad Danish/cinnamon roll, or a lavish, gussied-up, dessert-y piece of cake. If I could instead pay too much for a lovely thick piece of cinnamon toast? Yeeeeah, I’ll have the toast, please.
I’m turning 30ish in a few weeks and I want to make a cake that just says “PANIC, bitch!” I’ll have a good laugh and I don’t think anyone else will get it. I’ve actually lost track of my age, if anyone asks I just say, ‘grad school.’
I might make one tomorrow, just for the hell of it. It’s been at least a week since I made myself a cake.
Smitten Kitchen has a bunch of recipes categorized as “everyday cakes.” I’ve been meaning to make her chocolate buckwheat cake for months.
Actual thing my husband (the usual cake-baker ’round these parts) said to me two days ago: “How did you make cake?” I, um, well, with ingredients. What?
I’m turning 31 this weekend, and now I want a “SURPRISE, BITCH” gif that also says “I’M NOT PANICKING.”
I don’t recall anyone telling me not to panic at 30, and I don’t know whether that was unusual sensitivity on their parts or unusual insensitivity on mine. My best friend/first partner died in our late 20s. For me, reaching 30 felt like a mile marker to a marathon runner and I was not hearing anything else.
Actual thing my husband (the usual cake-baker 'round these parts) said to me two days ago: "How did you make cake?" I, um, well, with ingredients. What?
The fancy toast article really took a turn there at the end! I’m very pro Trouble coffee shop and fascinated by that woman’s journey. Her life incorporates an almost mystical relationship with a calming stranger who turns out to be a survivor of WWII Germany? *I MEAN* Today’s Toast articles have really had me by the EMOTIONS.
But mostly when I go to a coffee house, I'm faced with a choice between an overpriced bagel-and-schmear, a sad Danish/cinnamon roll, or a lavish, gussied-up, dessert-y piece of cake. If I could instead pay too much for a lovely thick piece of cinnamon toast? Yeeeeah, I'll have the toast, please.
Uuuugh! I got into a 'why Steven Moffat is a sexist ass' argument with some dude on facebook ( and was wonderfully backed up by several other ladies), then a few days later was describing it to a guy in real life who I thought would agree but just tried to tell me that I misunderstood the intent of some of the things in Doctor Who. During this 'explanation' he was getting character and writer names wrong.
The Yellow Ranger piece got Metafiltered*, where (not suprisingly) the conversation included some of what you so succinctly described: “Psssh, this isn’t racist. As a white man, people I run into when visiting Gstaad frequently ask me what kind of white man I am," so I knew it was only a matter of time before some of the run-off reached The Toast.
*Dear MeFi, I like you and also I am increasingly tired of having the same 101 conversations with you. I wasn't this forbearing with my cranky old uncle; why would I be with you?
Strongly seconded. The tiny amount of work I've placed here was treated so kindly, and reading the threads has possibly quintupled my capacity for empathy. Among my "friends and family" on social media? A 180 degree reversal. It's better here. It just is. Even for an ancient grain who needs glasses to see 30 behind her.