I caught a cold on the plane and didn’t get to go visit my aunt’s house, which was full of little foster kittens, so my joy has turned to ashes in my mouth. Not just one little foster kitten, you realize. Like, SEVEN little foster kittens, climbing all over each other and frolicking, not yet calcified into surly adult cats.
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Important update to Blind Items of Rural Southern Ontario: the smug septuagenarian who won’t give up the recipe for her maple fudge? A certain visiting priest took one bite, asked who made it, and formally told her that “her way to heaven was clear.” Humph.
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This piece on being a Collections Editor at Medium was really interesting, and also resonates, I think, for anyone trying to figure out how and what to pay writers:
How were we to know how much compensation to offer writers if we didn’t know how much traffic their articles were getting? The pillar of the LadyBits brand is quality, and if I wanted quality writing, I knew I would have to offer competitive pay. The best method I came up with, that would compensate writers and protect LadyBitsLLC from going into debt, was to offer to pay writers 50% of the income their posts generated from Medium (2.5 cents per view), and put the other 50% into the LLC to pay editors, the increasingly necessary staff to manage workflow and financials, and myself. I tried a variety of other techniques to estimate flat rates but as the pitches poured in and the workload grew, asking us to predict traffic performance across a month’s worth of content and base a budget off of it became a job in and of itself.
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I cannot handle the stress of watching spelling bees, but thankfully others feel differently:
In the eighth round, the youngest finalist, Tejas Muthusamy, from Virginia, was eliminated when he misspelled “hallenkirche.” As soon as he heard the dreaded bell indicating his mistake, he sighed into the mic, “Obviously.” His cheeks were as red as the countdown screen behind him. “Aw well, he has three more years of eligibility,” said one announcer. “A star is born, we’re going to see him a lot in this competition,” said the other. Kate Miller, who got out on “exochorion,” took leave of the stage with a practiced parade-princess wave. Upon hearing the correct spelling of the word, she said “That was my first instinct!” and then she left the stage to meet her parents, where she went fully supine on the cry couch.
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Jaya and Matt got married this weekend. Shower them with love.
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You seem like the sort of people who have already read the piece about the suburban exorcists, but JUST IN CASE:
“What is your function?” Larry asks.
“I have no function except to torment,” the voice answers. The eyes are fixed in a way that is glaring yet vacant.
“Do you have a right to her? Yes or no?” Larry asks.
“Yes, I have,” the voice says, in a clipped, mocking tone.
“What is your right?”
“Her sexuality,” the voice groans, drawing out the consonants with a hiss. “I take all of their reproductive organs. Everyone gives to me.”
“How long have you tormented her?” Larry asks.
“Foreverrrr,” the voice says, breaking into a growl. “As long as I want to.”
“That ain’t the answer,” Larry interjects. “Do you want me to punish you?”
“No,” the voice says, growling again. “Noooooo.”
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So, I really did not enjoy this old Sports Illustrated piece that popped up on Longform, I found it to be intensely sympathetic to the young man who committed the sexual assault, while patting itself on the back for being even-handed. Which is not to say that we should throw people into volcanos, just that the smug better-than-you-ness radiating off it was quite off-putting. But the STYLISTIC thing that had me throwing stuff, honestly, was the repeated use of the phrase “15 minutes in a stairwell” to refer to the sexual assault that jacked up the young man’s life, like the fact it only took 15 minutes of his day is something we should pay attention to. How long does it take to commit a murder? Four seconds? You never hear anyone be like: “those four seconds in the car cost Son of Sam his freedom.” But, here we are:
1. “virtually everywhere Richie would turn to rid himself of the baggage of those 15 minutes…”
2. “failed to turn up a single thread that would indicate that those 15 minutes in the stairwell were part of a larger pattern.”
3. “For 15 minutes of rotten judgment” (this is not the author talking, it’s a woman he interviews)
4. “Now, wait a minute—no one is going to be foolish enough to blame Richie Parker’s 15 minutes in the stairwell or the administration of Mesa Community College or even the media for the death of a coach’s father, but every event in life is chained to the next, and how do you ever separate the links?”
Like, don’t tell me that this phrase is not meant to diminish what happened. C’mon, now. Do better.
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My daughter loves these books, but this woman is right on.
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Fuck this bitch in the EAR and say “NO”:
Q. Stingy Socialite: There is a group of mothers at my children’s school who get together socially every now and then. We usually go to a restaurant for a meal. One mother always sits next to me and when it comes to paying (we all pay for our own meals) she pointedly looks at me and says she forgot her purse. It’s not like we dine out at luxury establishments, so the first couple of times I didn’t think much and paid for her. Each time she thanks me politely and says she’ll pay for me next time, yet she never does. I started sitting further away from her and avoided eye contact, but now she makes a point of asking me directly. I feel stingy saying no in front of everyone else when it’s not a great deal of money. But Prudie, this lady drives a new Audi and her husband is a prominent real estate agent in our area who sells multi-million-dollar mansions. I’m having a hard time imagining why she needs me to pay for her each time. How do I say no in a nice way?
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DO NOT WANT NOPE:
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The last of the Mann Gulch smokejumpers has died. Perhaps you should read Young Men and Fire again. RIP.
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Tags: feminism, link roundup, the internet
JAYA AND MATTTTTT. May your love be as eternally delightful and beautiful as Jaya’s writing and Matt’s cartoons.
Also what the FUCK, lunch lady, I cannot even comprehend the thought of being that rude.
Yes, oh my god I would DIE if it really happened to me once, much less PRETEND multiple times.
And why target just the one woman? I am mortified here and this didn’t even happen to me!
it kind of seems like adult bullying at this pt, no? My response when put out like that, is to reverse the dynamic and make the rude person feel the shame. So just “No, Karen, I’ve actually been spotting you for the past month of lunches! Where does your wallet always run off to? haha!” Or you can always go nuclear passive-aggressive and send her a text BEFORE lunch like “Don’t forget your wallet! Its Moms Lunch Day! ;)”
YES, it definitely feels like bullying. To actively target one woman even when she’s not sitting next to you? That’s some planned bullshit right there.
Your responses are much nicer than mine would be (“Jesus CHRIST Karen, I am not paying for your goddamn lunch one more time. Oh you forgot your wallet? Again? Guess you’re going to have to go work it off in the kitchen.”)
“Oh no, I forgot MY wallet too. I guess you’ll have to sell the Audi, Karen.”
As long as you include the winky face, it’s fine!
I would totally send the text beforehand, and if she asks in front of everyone to have the questioner pay say something like “hm, I only have cash and just enough for myself! Anyone else want to step in and pay for [Cheapskate]?”
This is incredibly, intolerably kind towards a serial offender specifically targeting you for a shakedown when you could just brightly suggest that maybe the restaurant will let her do the dishes to pay it off. Maybe if she scrubs well enough she’ll even get a job!
Alternately, spot her one more time but demand as your price the first thing to greet her as she walks through her front door.
Yeah that’s a definite WHAT THE FUCK! Super duper rude!
Jaya & Matt – you two look AMAZING! CONGRATULATIONS to the immensely talented couple!
Don’t they look spiffy? They are the spiffiest.
I had to quit reading the exorcism piece because they seem to imply that everyone’s chockfull of demons, and that skeeves me out a bit.
ha/ahhh! @ “chock full of demons”
All Is Full Of Demons
If you don’t mind the damnation they make a decent cup of coffee.
Was that ever in question, really
“Chock Full of Demons” is what I’d like my tombstone to read.
Well, mine is going to say “She Thought of the Phrase ‘Chock Full of Demons'” now, so that seems fair.
Also, JAYA AND MATT AWWW
When I first saw that photo I didn’t recognize them, despite having seen photos before, and I thought “What a good looking and happy couple!”. OF COURSE IT WOULD BE JAYA AND MATT. Congratulations you crazy kids!!!!!!
I recognized Jaya from author pics and stuff, but was confused by Matt not being a cartoon.
Congratulations!!
Congratulations, Jaya and Matt!
NICOLE YOU ARE THE SWEETEST! Thank you and Mallory and Nick for all your love.
Jaya and Matt! <3 enjoy married life, it is just like living in sin but with better towels. I predict much success and happiness to you both.
#Saxchansky
GOD do I have to get MARRIED before I get better towels? I SO MUCH want better towels.
(No, you don’t really have to get married to get better towels, just wait for a sale at The Company Store.)
If you don’t mind having non-matching nice towels, you could go my route, which is to buy a new one every time I’m at TJ Maxx or Home Goods. I get stuff in the same general color family and that seems to work okay.
someone recently gave me the same advice for le creuset! I need to up my Home Goods game dramatically.
Or drop heavy hints around your birthday? 😉
Yeah, I got some towels for Christmas once, and it was nice, but not as nice as ALL NEW EVERYTHING, which is what I imagine the aftermath of getting married to be…
M. DrLadyBiz & I (not married) remembered like a year ago that we can just UP AND BUY new towels. It changed everything.
Yay, Jaya and Matt! You both look so lovely and happy!
BEST WISHES Jaya & Matt! You both look so happy! And make a beautiful couple!
re: The Spelling Bee — any activity that designates a “crying couch” FOR CHILDREN is the devil. As a former National Black History Super Quiz Competitor (think Jeopardy, with Af-Am history; still not a cool a activity) with a TIGER MOM just reading that snippet was TRIGGERING for inordinate amounts of anxiety.
i do not want to add to your emotional burden but if you ever feel like writing about being a national black history super quiz competitor, i know a ladies’ website that would run the SHIT out of that piece.
…that may actually happen
That’s a definite WOULD-READ.
Ooo when I was in 8th grade my team of three won my state’s Black Saga competition. If only I remembered more than “Who was the first black woman lawyer?” I had at one point memorized the answer to 300 trivia questions.
You’re just going to leave us hanging here? WHO WAS THE FIRST BLACK WOMAN LAWYER, this is the chance for you to share your trivia skillz!
Charlotte E. Ray!!
Congratulations Jaya and Matt! You look so happy and bright in that picture!!
Congratulations, Jaya and Matt! You both look radiant. Wishing you every happiness in your marriage.
Unrelated, is it odd to feel a balcony is required when looking for apts for the sole purpose of anticipating the need to spray paint DIY Home Decor projects from excessive Pintrest-ing? This… might be irrational, no? You can’t spray paint inside… can you?
You cannot spray paint inside and get away with it–between the mess and the fumes, you’re pretty much boned. Go for the balcony!
My terrible workplace spray-paints indoors and it’s horrifyingly awful. The paint gets everywhere no matter how much you put down stuff, and the fumes render the place uninhabitable for several hours. It’s just horrific.
I spray-painted inside once and got hella high on the fumes. Not the fun kind of high where I could finally comprehend the mysterious workings of the universe – I was just dizzy and unable to focus on anything and the rest of the day was a loss.
(I also messed up the thing I was spray-painting and had to throw it out.)
So what I’m hearing is, “Does it have a balcony? Yes, but we NEED a balcony” is a completely valid argument. Thanks ladies!
It’s probably considerably more reasonable than insisting on a place with a backyard so you don’t light the whole world on fire when the oxyacetylene torch comes out.
I had to read that three times before I got “balcony” and not “baloney.” I was very confused about what a sandwich meat had to do with spray painting, pinteresting and apartment hunting.
I think it may be time to graduate to 3 cups of coffee on Monday mornings.
BRB, pinning “Who needs spray paint? Cover your furniture with overlapping slices of bologna for a fresh look!!!” to my home decor board.
You cannot spray paint inside, no, although I have done it with fun (high) results!
But you can always do it on the lawn or in the parking lot (or even the sidewalk) with a drop cloth, and spray paint dries really fast.
Congratulations Jaya and Matt!
Congratulations and best wishes, Jaya and Matt! All the happiness in the world to you.
Hooray, Jaya and Matt!
I read that NYT obit about the Mann Gulch smokejumper and thought of Nicole! I DO need to read Young Men and Fire again, thanks. Except I started An Untamed State this weekend and it is WRECKING me EMOTIONALLY and I may never read again.
Side note, the rest of those Dear Prudie letters were also SUPER fucked up.
YUP.
These can’t possibly be real. They just can’t.
HOLY
SERIOUSLY WTF
It’s clearly time to become a shut-in.
Well that’s a spread there. Dinner social faux pas PEEPING TOM wedding invitations BANGING DAD
New game: pretend that all letters to Dear Prudie in any given week come from the same family.
The Jerry Springer of formal etiquette
PRU-DIE! PRU-DIE! PRU-DIE!
Why did Prudie advise that one lady to send a gift to a bride who didn’t invite her to the wedding? I don’t get it.
Because Prudie is a crackpot, that’s why.
I just started reading them and WHAT THE EVERLOVING.
I get PTSD from my own childhood spelling bee days watching the National Spelling Bee, yet I can’t look away. I was runner-up in the district bee after getting out on the word “sediment” because I thought the moderator said settlement. I am still dying every day because of it.
Nooooooooooooo! So unfair; spelling bee judges can be surprisingly dumb and/or mushmouthed, but the contestants are the ones who carry the blame.
I came in second in our school district for missing penicillin. 2nd place got nothing. 1st place got a trip to Sacramento to compete statewide. I’m still upset, even though that was 7th grade. Spelling bees are cruel.
I was eliminated in the district bee for spelling “pungent” incorrectly. I think I said “pungeant.” I was eight, so could you really blame me? But you can bet I never forgot how to spell that goddamn word again.
Yes hello; I still cringe every time I think of how I misspelled ‘buoyant’ in my district bee. I remember thinking “self, remember, it’s ‘u’ before ‘o’ ” — and yet, as I said it out loud, my mouth betrayed my brain. I definitely could have used a crying couch, if one had been available at the time.
I have never stuttered in my life…except in the finale of the school spelling bee that was going to be my ticket to national spelling bee glory, and so thanks to a slip of the tongue, I put an extra “t” in “etiquette.” The rules were that you couldn’t go back once you started, couldn’t ask for a redo–I was done for and that little 6th grade twerp Martin went on to win and OH THE SHAME.
Afterwards, I wrote the word spelled correctly a couple hundred times in small print on a piece of notebook paper and left it where my teacher would find it so he would know that I was preparing to wear sackcloth and ashes for the rest of my natural life, flagellating myself copiously for my lost honor.
Another adult living with PTSBD. Everyone on our team supported the spelling as “gamle” when I knew from the sentence it was “gambol” and I had to speak for all of them. Majority ruled, we all lost, and I have no faith in democracy as a result. Actually I just think I’m a spineless dishrag, which is even worse.
Congratulations, Matt & Jaya! What a lovely and stylish couple you are! I hope your wedding was fun and relatively stress-free.
Nicole, thank you so much for linking to that Llama book review–it was hilarious, and that writer is awesome. Yay for a new website to check out.
I was literally just explaining to BFF/wifey this weekend why escalators will be my downfall forever and I feel so glad to know I am vindicated. Escalators are HORRIFYING.
However I then go to hear the Mitch Hedberg broken escalators = stairs, so worth it.
Congratulations, Jaya and Matt! I hope your wedding was lovely and that you found time to have some fun on what I’m sure was a very busy day.
Congrats to Jaya and Matt! That picture is so great.
Congratulations and mazel tov, Jaya and Matt! WOOOOO
Hurrah Jaya and Matt! Congratulations!
Also, how much do I love that the Medium article has the GIF of a budgie running away from an exploding fireball in slo mo as its header photo (so much).
I love the Llama book. That Llama mother is a hero.
Congratulations Jaya and Matt!
Jaya and Matt, you look so happy together! Congratulations and best wishes 🙂
Jaya & Matt, you look so, so happy — as happy as we all are for you!
Another adult living with PTSBD. Everyone on our team supported the spelling as "gamle" when I knew from the sentence it was "gambol" and I had to speak for all of them. Majority ruled, we all lost, and I have no faith in democracy as a result. Actually I just think I'm a spineless dishrag, which is even worse.
Jaya and Matt, you are the sparkly embodiment of love in that photo. Congratulations! I’m an embittered old weirdo and I totally just said “Awww!” out loud.
Jaya and Matt, you are the sparkly embodiment of love in that photo. Congratulations! I'm an embittered old weirdo and I totally just said "Awww!" out loud.
Aww jeez guys I just came back and you all are the greatest. I feel so love and I’m gonna cry.
(Also shut that wallet-forgetting lady DOWN)
Aww jeez guys I just came back and you all are the greatest. I feel so love and I'm gonna cry.
(Also shut that wallet-forgetting lady DOWN)
I never even thought of taking the Suburban to an exorcist. Do they charge more than regular old mechanics?
You don't even have to wait, their Company Cotton towels are on sale now! I just bought six and feel very grown up for just upgrading my house stuff myself and not waiting for people to buy me things.
(I was hoping someone would buy me new towels as a wedding gift but when you elope you don't have much control over what you get. #tradeoffs)
My team got to the final of our version the Spelling Bee in Ireland (the Spellathon, in case you were wondering) but I couldn’t go because I had food poisoning from eating some old Toblerone from my teacher’s desk that day in school (I have diabetes and had a low blood sugar and no juice in my bag), and they ended up missing out by one word which I would have known if I was there (“otharcharr”, Irish for ambulance). It was a really dramatic day.
Congratulations Jaya and Matt! You both look divine!
Congratulations to Jaya and Matt! You both look so happy!
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“Sorry, I only brought cash.” And then I’d purposefully and deliberately drag out just enough for myself and a tip. Shut that down, right now.
I’m a little on the dramatic side.
Congratulations to Jaya and Matt! You both look so happy!
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"Sorry, I only brought cash." And then I'd purposefully and deliberately drag out just enough for myself and a tip. Shut that down, right now.
I'm a little on the dramatic side.
"Oh no, I forgot MY wallet too. I guess you'll have to sell the Audi, Karen."