It’s over! The chuppah, mandappam or gazebo is a wreck; the ring dog did his best; your sequined white jumpsuit or fur sari was the best. The presents were microloans, the crystal bowl of eggless cake batter killed, and the honeymoon was a voluntour in Chad. Girl, you had that day your way. But the work isn’t done! Have you talked about how he’s going to change his name now that you’re hot-glued together for life?
RESISTANCE AND PERSUASION
Asking a heterosexual man to change his entire name–first, middle, and last–after marriage can feel risky. He may cling to the name his parents carefully selected for him at birth. Maybe he’s named for Grandpa Blazegrits or Uncle Orhan; maybe he’s even a II or a III. These days he may expect no change, a hyphenation, a portmanteau, or–in some cases–to change his last name to yours.
All this shows incomplete commitment to the covenant of marriage. His trading in given names for a name bestowed by you shows not only acknowledgment of this incredible transition in a man’s life, but willingness to personally redress history’s erasure of women. He may protest that you are not changing any of your names. The answer is easy: enough women have. To restore balance on both a quantitative and spiritual level, all of his have to go.
Still, it may chafe, or bring up mother-son issues. Get into it with him slowly. Start by asking questions about other names his parents considered for him, nicknames he had as a child, or names he “feels” suit him better. Does he feel more like a Graham or a Geert than a Glenn? A Patrice-Laurent than a Pierre? A Jagadhalaprathapan than a Janardhan? Don’t give too much latitude; just suggest that identity may be more malleable and fluid than he thinks.
CHOOSING THE NEW NAME
Your man’s new name may come to you in a dream; some women dream of it from childhood on, waiting decades to match the name to the face. But if you’re playing catchup, baby books may help, as well as names of celebrities, TV characters, or public figures. You may choose a name that complements yours; if you’re a Guinevere, Radha, Francesca, Yoko, or Iztaccíhuatl, you know what to do! But be mindful of the results you want, too.
Rather than base yourselves on a known couple, you could also choose names that represent what you’d like him to demonstrate in the marriage. Some women choose The Triad: celebrity name(s), a thing you want from him, and a career you’d enjoy seeing him pursue. Deppgosling Multiorgasmo Backenddeveloper might be such a choice. Gael-Rafael Choresharer Blogprofiter is a robust option, as is Shah Rukh-Brad Quipmassage Mastersommelier. The Triad makes clear what you expect from him sexually, emotionally, and financially. More traditional women may choose last names such as Gutterfixer; sentimental types are known for picking Dadwhostays. Up to you, but maybe avoid references to Don Draper.
If he resists, be firm. Show him that you’re more attached to his new name than he is to his old one. If he has no middle name, he does now.
THE CEREMONY
Find a body of water. Nearby, build a fire using documents from his old life. Don’t forget old video store membership cards, birthday cards, and school papers. Add hairs from the heads of his parents (if unobtainable, photographs will do). Ignite with a lighter belonging to one of his male siblings or friends. Write the new name on burdock leaves using the point of a compass (don’t tear the leaf). Grind with a mortar and pestle and steep into a tea. Put your husband in the water and give him the tea to drink, saying “Here ya go, [new name].” Then make love on the banks while calling out his new name. Hold a mirror up to his face as he hears it.
LEGAL CHANGES
Legal change of his entire name should occur only after the immersion ceremony. After this, there may be an adjustment period for everyone. Turning the new name into a nickname, and creating positive associations with it, should help. Programming the new name into a phone or setting up a new email account together can bring you closer. So can replacing some of his thoughts, opinions, or friends with yours.
OTHER GENDERS
If two men or two women or two agender or genderqueer people marry each other, no remediation is needed, and either party may keep or relinquish their given name.
NAMING CHILDREN
Who did the work? Unless it’s a surrogate or an adoption, this is all you.
PETS AND HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS
With your permission, he may name pets, automobiles, and household objects.
IF YOU LIKE YOUR NAME ENOUGH
Replace his entire name with yours.
IF YOU LIKE HIS NAME THE WAY IT IS
Hold your generosity over his head for the rest of his life.
DIVORCE
Won’t happen if you do this right. I promise.
politically personal humor for Reductress, Political Subversities, and Brown Town. Her short comic films have screened in the L.A. Comedy Festival and won the Audience Award at the Iron Mule Short Comedy Film Series.
We’ve both agreed that his name is boring, so he will take my last name and change his first name to Albert so we can be Victoria & Albert. And I plan on pulling the ol’ Lorelai Gilmore on any and all forthcoming children. I’m naming everything and no one can stop me.
We’ve both agreed that his name is boring, so he will take my last name
You are magnanimous. It is nice to indulge them sometimes, though.
I never call him by his/any name IRL, if that’ll pump up the misandry. Even when he becomes Albert I will probably only refer to him when it’s as an extension of me
MATRIARCHY!!!!!
Oh man, so I was planning to write a humorous piece about the reactions we got to my husband taking my last name, but then his parents threw an actual shitfit of biblical proportions a week before the wedding, and I no longer find it quite so amusing. As always, the Toast seems to be phoning from inside the house!
I am sorry you are no longer amused, but I definitely would be interested in hearing this story…
Short version: He told his mom months before the wedding that he was changing his name. She wasn’t thrilled, but seemed resigned to it with a “Well, I guess I’ll drop that bomb on your father later.” Apparently, she never did. The week before the wedding, we send out a draft of the ceremony text, including the phrase “Mr. and Mrs. Dances,” and everybody loses their goddamn minds. Mid-workday calls from his mom and texts from his dad, all along the lines of “this is an insult to us and the whole family and after all the support we’ve given you this is how you repay us,” etc. Vague threats about not being “comfortable” coming to the wedding, and withdrawing their offer of financial help in buying a house, the whole works.
Husband tries to call them the next day to discuss (they live across the country), and they won’t answer or return the call. We hear nothing from them until they arrive in town 4 days before the wedding. Nothing more is said on the subject, at all, everyone pretends like everything is totally fine, and that’s been the end of it (so far, at least). So… more or less a happy ending? We’ll see how it goes as he actually moves through the legal name change process, but, uh, yeah.
That is BANANAS. How does no one involved see the irony here???
I don’t want to give the wrong impression, because I am generally very fond of my in-laws, who are I think basically good people with some pretty large blind spots (this obviously being one of them). I was actually very surprised by how quickly they took things to DEFCON 1, because that’s not consistent with my previous interactions with them. I guess credit where credit is due for them showing up and shutting up for the actual event, but I am fully prepared for this one to circle back around the next time we make a life choice they disapprove of, sadly.
I hope that if your groom has a sister, and that if that sister marries a man and chooses to change her name to his, that they throw an equal fit. (Obviously I’m sure they wouldn’t, but that would at least make them consistent in their silliness!)
Oh wow. That is very sucky and I am sorry that you have had to deal with that. I’m glad that they didn’t end up boycotting your wedding or making a scene there, at least.
People are so weird about stuff like that. A friend of mine got married this past summer and didn’t take her husband’s last name (which he was perfectly fine with), but apparently his father was all bent out of shape thinking that any children they had would not have the husband’s last name. Which, they would have his last name if my friend was planning on having children. But she is not. So… That I guess will be another thing for her in-laws to deal with eventually.
Just wondering what were his and your reasons for him taking your name as opposed to just keeping it or both of you double barrelling? I’m really intrigued to know.
I took my wife’s last name in large part because there’s no reason it’s the woman that should. I don’t consider tradition alone a good reason. We considered not changing either of our names but that seemed like a cop-out (we felt it should change something).
As a friend put it – be the change you want to see in the world. So I did.
Oh God, I am right there with you…
[warning, long read: tl;dr – not only did they throw a shitfit, they wouldn’t let us mention our new name at the wedding and have since asked us to change our name ‘back’ to theirs]
We decided to merge our names into a new one. We asked his mum to make some ‘House’ family banners (as in GoT style) for my family, his family and our new family name. I spent my hen party (which MiL&SiL were at) talking about our name change and the reasons why. Still, when my now-husband brought it up with them about a month before the wedding, when we had to set things in motion so he could renew his passport in time for the honeymoon, they were shocked.
Both his parents got angry, completely out of character with anything I’d ever experienced from them before. They insisted that we were deliberately hurting them, were rejecting their family and wouldn’t belong any more, that it was disrespectful to his grandparents.
They said we were hurting them but didn’t care at all about whether they were hurting their son by saying any of these things.
The week before the wedding, they weren’t backing down but begrudgingly said they’d come to the wedding and we’d talk about it later, despite the fact that we’d told them we were signing the deed poll on the day. The day before/of the wedding, his mother went against everything we asked her to do, to the point that some things just didn’t get done because we couldn’t rely on them.
We couldn’t mention our new name on our wedding day or in the stationery because they threatened walking out if we did. To this day, not everyone knows we have officially changed our name or how to pronounce it and we don’t know what to do about our thank you cards.
You’d think they would eventually would get used to it. But no, three weeks later, they asked us to change ‘back’ to their name. They ‘tried to get used to it’ but ‘woke up every day feeling hurt that their son didn’t have the same name as them and didn’t belong to their family any more’. Completely nonplussed when I pointed out that a) they didn’t apply that to his sister who got married and changed her name and b) they didn’t give a shit about whether *I* was rejecting my family if I changed my name to theirs. Apparently ‘it’s just different for women’ and ‘women retain a connection with their mothers through the shared experience of childbirth that no man will ever know so that’s why they have to be connected to their parents by surname’. That we wanted to honour both families was lost on them who instead said we were rejecting both of them and forging our new way on our own (with the implication that they therefore wouldn’t help us out in future). ‘of course’ my family would be ok with it (as they are) because ‘they get their way’, even though I’m not keeping their name either.
I honestly didn’t expect his mum not to be a feminist…
They’d ‘still love us either way’ and didn’t want us to change our names because they were the big bad in-laws who asked us to, but only if we wanted to [or rather wanted them to not be upset at us]. But they would never change their minds on this, and never not be upset by it. So apparently we should change our names which we use every day, to make them happy, even though they never need to even acknowledge our last name, rather than them working on their own feelings and preconceptions. They reluctantly conceded that it would be better if we hyphenated (or rather, if *I* hyphenated, and he went back to his old name), but it was clear they still wouldn’t be happy even with that. After about 4 hours of talking and crying, they at least acknowledged that they didn’t know we had reasons – as if they previously thought we’d decided it as a drunken bet with no thought for their feelings.
We took them on their word, and haven’t changed our mind. Partially because we know if we give into them on this, they’ll think they have a say on any of our other life choices.
We haven’t told them yet though, because the only time we’ve seen them since was for a special event we didn’t want to ruin (even though it hung over all our heads the entire time) – but at the same time, we have no desire to go and see them, and they won’t talk about it on the phone.
Sorry it’s so long, but it’s been such a crappy time and it feels slightly better to talk about it! I still wouldn’t change our decision for the world though. It was really important for us to both have the same name but for the change to be equal. It takes some getting used to having a new name (or rather two new letters on the front of my old name) but at least it’s one that I chose and feel is part of my identity rather than just taking someone else’s name that wouldn’t even feel like me any more.
For the record, *everyone* else has thought it was an awesome idea. His work, who he was worried about telling because it was unusual for a man to do (understandable), got their graphic designer to make us a new family logo! His sister is siding with her parents and is mad that we upset them, (and also thinks the name is silly and not a real name), and according to his parents, other people (presumably family members) were talking behind our backs at the wedding saying they didn’t like it, but no one else has talked about it to us (because even if they don’t like it, presumably they realise that it’s none of their goddamn business).
I also gave this a thumbs up but in like… a supportive way? That is a terrible situation but it sounds like you’ve made the right decision for yourselves, and that’s all that matters.
I feel slightly weird pressing the thumb-up button, because it might look like I’m all “cool story!” when I’m actually quietly horrified. Please consider it an expression of emotional support. Sorry about your in-laws.
Yes; are we the same people? The wedding was less than 2 weeks ago, and we haven’t heard anything from them since, but I would expect his father (who is an accountant, and therefore our accountant) may have some additional things to say when he’s dealing with our official documents around tax time.
We also scrapped any mention of the name situation from the wedding, despite it being our single best chance to let everyone know what we were doing, which makes me sad! And ditto a thousand times over on giving in = a lifetime of them thinking they get input on all our major decisions. My sympathies to you and your husband!
sympathies to you too! hope your in-laws have the good sense to know that it’s done now and they just have to put up with it 🙂 and good for you to have the courage to stand up to them – my little sister didn’t want to change her name but her inlaws kicked up a stink so she gave in and now kinda regrets it
I’m so so sorry you’re getting such crap over this, it sounds like you were doing it in a way that ought to make everyone happy, or at least they could accept. People get so caught up in tradition like it’s a life raft in a sea of change and to let go would be to drown.
Sorry for the analogy, it sounds a little – well I don’t like it but I think it gets my point across.
I just don’t get why the name is more important than the relationship itself, especially when it’s normal for fifty percent of the population to change theirs and no-one even considers it.
My mother hates my father to the point she refused to come to the wedding if he was there (for some people it’s all about them, isn’t it?). Sadly he chose not to come for her sake.
So she not only still has his name but was really weird about me taking my wife’s name. My father was totally cool about it though, he wasn’t sure why it might even be an issue.
I hope your family issues turn out okay!
I can’t wait to read the deleted comments on this
My thoughts exactly!
I was just about to post this exact comment. They are going to be golden.
How do you read the deleted comments and why do they get deleted?
Deleted comments get deleted (as far as I can tell) because this ain’t a democracy and they’re either offensive or colossally stupid. Nicole occasionally posts hilarious deleted comments in the link round-ups.
brb, changing spouse’s surname to Mastersommelier.
but before I go, here is some fawning over that illustration: so misty! so sharp! she is so magnanimous and he is so beholden!
I like this. Changing my spouse’s name to Darling Masterchef.
Author here: watching that illustration take shape was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. Every time Katy sent a draft I was like: “…!!!!!!!!!…”
Also, very lengthy conversations were had over the amount of butt crack he should be showing.
Perfect amount of butt crack & tummy pooch.
One of her dedicated tasks as an illustrator is to draw people in all their lumpy human glory. More accurate bodies of hers are at http://www.retreatcomic.com (she’s too modest to parade it about but I shall 🙂
Mr. And Mrs. Jenna Maroney.
My last name is so awesome, potential future spouse will have to have a MORE awesome last name before I consider changing it.
In the event of a tie in which we both want the other’s last name, we shall play mario kart for naming rights. Best 2 out of 3.
Basically, I’ll never change my last name, but he can do whatever he wants. I will however strongly stress the story of my uncle who changed his name to my Aunt’s so he could be a Honey too. Role models are so important in a man’s life.
I recently told a coworker that it would have to be an awesome name for me to even consider changing mine. She said, “How about Schwarzenegger?”
I conceded that would do, but only just.
Even then I think the most I would do is not object to people choosing to use it socially. Getting new IDs done is so boring and I am so lazy.
I managed to get “@lastname” for virtually all of my social media accounts– the benefit of being an early adopter with an unusual last name. Dude’s name would need to be something like SpaceEmperor for me to even think about giving that up. (Boyfriend’s last name is profoundly boring, so in the still-distant possibility of marriage I would generously offer him the opportunity to take on a cool name like mine.)
Same here! I’m still waiting for the owners of lastname.com to give it up, though, sadly. It’s been the same static page with two links to college marching band pages for like TEN YEARS now.
after getting married/merging our names, I’ve now got a completely unique name (as far as I can see on Google), which is kinda cool, but also makes me slightly self-conscious that everything I do now can be connected directly back to me! no more ‘oh that must be a different Ms X’ or hiding on page 3 of the Google rankings 😉
A (male) friend of mine married a woman with the last name Ironwing and though neither of them changed any names, pretty much everyone wanted him to take her name. I’m not planning on changing my last name if I get married, but I’d definitely at least consider it for something like an Ironwing.
my last name is pretty awesome too, I could never have imagined giving it up. His name is boring and very common. The only reason I changed it was to a merge of our names which is even more awesome 😀
I made the same decision in fourth grade (super awesome last name = high bar for changing it) and I just got married, no name change, and it’s the best [for me].
My boyfriend is a V. As in, he is the fifth of his name.
You can respect that tradition by working in a five and/or a V. Like, Rockfabio Fivecheeseburger Venturecapitalist.
Wow, that is a real “I am X of the Clan McX” historical line there.
This is so amazing that I think I will change my man’s name to Janani Thetoast Sreenivasan.
Or perhaps… Sreenivasan MoreArticles Toaster?
Dear commenters: you made my day. There is more Janani writing in the links (Reductress is a place to get lost for HOURS), but more importantly, check out Katy’s comic, which updates weekly! I’ve been watching it take shape for months and it is GLORIOUS.
My only request: please don’t change your name to mine. You will experience a lifetime of “Jonadine,” “Genevieve,” “Genonen,” and “…[long pause]…”
xo
JS
brb, saving “you owe me b/c I loved you enough to take your last name!” to List of Future Retorts
This is funny, but also feels like part of a piece with the Children’s Stories Made Horrible series.
I suspect that there is Quiverfull marriage advice that sounds a lot like this.
This is beautiful and perfect, and now I wish to acquire a man upon whom to impose my naming will.
to skip the step of “huh? who is that?” when he is talking to me about his fantasy football league, my boyfriend has started referring to aaron rodgers as “mr. olivia munn”
i think this means he is behind this movement at least a little and also i hope we are not jinxing their relationship by doing this.
Surely if two men get married, they would both have to change their entire names. Help The Menz pay off that pesky debt for patriarchy that much quicker!
Would that have to find a female friend to choose new names?
Same-sex couples and genderqueer couples may approach naming however they desire.
I’ll ask my gf tonight what my name would be, but Gubler Petlover Librariannovelist is a decent attempt.
I don’t think she has strong opinions on my career as long as I am doing something, so at least my last name would be my own pick.
I could get used to calling you Gubler pretty easily, I think.
Lawrmitage P.* Feministicon does have a certain quiet dignity.
Is there a point at which you’ve been married too long to attempt the transition?
Never! The only difference is that now the name change is made at/near your anniversary!
I know this couple who, when they got married, were not comfortable having the husband’s last name because it was not a great relationship with his step-father, but they both wanted to have a new last name together, so they both took his mom’s maiden name. I’m still not sure where I stand on the marriage front myself but my mom hyphenated her name so I always figured I’d do that if it came down to it.
I have had real conversations (arguments??) about how fervently I believe in that child naming rule. The most I am willing to offer a prospective partner is veto power.
I’ll let them have a say in middle names, but only if they aren’t family names. My whole generation in my family have traditional passed down middle names and none of them have done any of us a bit of good.
“My vagina, my choice.”
My boyfriend has Ideas about naming children, which I find ridiculous since he will not be the one carrying them. He is deeply opposed to me giving a daughter my own name as a middle name, which makes me very grouchy. My name is great! Why would I not want to bestow it unto my firstborn girlchild?
My brother and I have our parents’ first names (by respective gender) as middle names. It is really nbd. I kind of like it. Your male is being irrational (as is all too often the case!).
my name is so great I feel kinda sad that my daughter won’t have as good a name as me… but at the same time I also absolutely hate anyone else having the same name as me, so she’s just gonna have to be stuck with second best.
Dang it! I only took her last name, skipped the ceremony completely and ran straight to the notary. Can I do anything to save our marriage, or should I just bow out gracefully now and let her find someone who knows what they’re doing?
You skipped your own wedding ceremony to run off with a notary? You monster.
“No, I want you to act as registrar, and marry me!”
Well, things turned out alright in the end.
Richardarmitage Dishdoer Stayathomedad has a nice ring to it.
It’s pronounced “Staya-tho-medad”. Possibly Nordic?
Have just emailed spouse to inform him that I’m thinking about calling him Kili* EntireMorninginBed GentlemanofLeisure from here on out. I think I’m particularly magnanimous for letting him weigh in before the ceremony–a lot of wives I know wouldn’t.
*I don’t know what the dude who plays him is named and I don’t care enough to look him up but damn he made a fine dwarf.
(Aidan Turner, if that helps at all)
i was amusing myself answering okcupid’s stupid questions and got to have this interaction:
DESTROYER OF WORLDS
that dude never answered me again 🙁
RUDE!
While it is a much more relaxed version of this, I have always been very fond of the inclusion in Anne of Green Gables of Mrs Rachel Lynde and “Rachel Lynde’s husband”.
CACKLING!!!
My Grandma told me about how my Grandpa wanted to take her last name, since it was a better name than his, but it was the 1940s and people didn’t do that.
Too bad, if anyone had freaked out they could have pretended that she was from a very good family and that’s why he had done it, to keep the name alive. “What, you’ve never heard of them? Well…I suppose some people don’t get out much.”
This explains why there are people in my hometown area with unfortunate last names like Butts.
my grandma and grandpa had the same last name before they were married (they were unrelated but both had a super common last name) (okay it’s Smith). My grandma would always joke that she was one of those “modern women who keep their own last names.” <3
Good enough for Eleanor Roosevelt, no?
My mother took my father’s last name, which is objectively worse than her maiden name, and she still complains about how much she hates it. Which is weird to me, because I know women her age who kept their last names.
For the record, I plan to keep my awful awful last name and wear it like a badge of HONOR, goddammit.
Just here to say that I would like to marry this post (and wouldn’t even change its name.)
Also I sent it to the boyfriend with “your new name is now JesseWilliams Customlibrary CaptainAmerica”. We’ll see how befuddled he is when he gets home tonight.
Put your husband in the water and give him the tea to drink, saying “Here ya go, [new name].” Then make love on the banks while calling out his new name. Hold a mirror up to his face as he hears it.
This… kind of turned me on.
So many useful posts on the Toast today.
what i like is how it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re making love to *him*
This is amazing.
The name-change and identity-loss and domination of one spouse over things like naming kids is a real (and depressing) thing that happens to some non-Muslims who marry into Muslim families. Not even kidding. I feel bad for some of the people who’ve married my relatives. My family’s will and desires about things for the couple and their children almost always wins.
BRB renaming my bf. Trudeau Hellagoodcuddler Richbutnotdoucheylawyerordoctor sounds nice.
This one is perfect.
Taking on a new name of a chosen name, a personal attribute and a role in life sounds like the sort of tradition you’d invent while doing worldbuilding for a series of huge fantasy novels.
Brilliant. I’m already softening up Valdemar Hapsburg-Esterhazy for his eventual rechristening.
Printing this out for my daughter just in case she’s straight.
This is excellent. There has already been agreement between my partner and I that they would add my middle name to theirs should we get married… because my middle name is, literally and legally, Rocketship.
Inspired by section e) of the following post: http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/05/name-chang…
Good thing I waited until recently to start dating again… now I’m sure not to fuck this up!
Idris-Janelle Companionatemarriage Engineer totally suits him, too.
sympathies to you too! hope your in-laws have the good sense to know that it's done now and they just have to put up with it 🙂 and good for you to have the courage to stand up to them – my little sister didn't want to change her name but her inlaws kicked up a stink so she gave in and now kinda regrets it
This is the best kind of satire. As a man, it made me strangely uncomfortable, but I still totally saw the humor and the point.
Thank you for admitting feeling uncomfortable! My goal was to convey exactly how uncomfortable ladies have been made to feel across time (the comments and stories below surprised even me!). My goal is to pass the discomfort gently along to others, like a damp newborn chick wrapped in tulle, that we may all feel others’ traumas as our own.
I took my husband’s last name because it’s Wise. Now people call us the Wisdom. I don’t mind at all.