Dear employers,
I will have to take the day off today because:
☐ It’s December and the streets are papier-mached with wet bronze leaves and it’s so dark outside that the cars have their headlights on at 3pm
☐ I have recently been through a breakup, or I have been through a breakup at any time in my life really, and I woke up today with the absolute conviction that I will never be loved again
☐ A dog looked at me
☐ I got a text from someone for whom I feel a mix of concern and frustration and recognition and longing that is both more and less than romance
☐ Someone made a joke about dead pets meeting you in heaven
☐ Daylight savings time
☐ I passed a knot of flowers that were so bright they glowed through the dim grey water of the day and when was anything in my life last that luminous?
☐ Girls are too pretty
☐ For the first time I genuinely comprehend that there is not enough time to have all the lives I wanted
☐ I accidentally listened to Leonard Cohen
I am submitting the following documentation:
☐ A scrap of an old lover’s favorite flannel shirt
☐ Trembling cupped hands full of rainwater
☐ Light angling over the face of a brownstone at 4 on a winter afternoon
☐ A blunt-edged ticket stub from a movie of which I remember nothing except how soft her hands were
☐ A crumbling copy of my favorite novel from childhood
☐ The universe
☐ The peachy glow of a sodium lamp far ahead down an icy pitch-dark path
I think I just need to:
☐ Stare at a cup of tea held in nerveless fingers and slowly leaching heat
☐ Watch the sun glow ruby through the dogwood leaves until I regain some capacity to be comforted by beauty
☐ Read old emails from someone who loved me because he knew nothing
☐ Move to Omaha without telling anyone and find work as a sympathetic bartender named Roxy
☐ Learn to live alongside the fundamental meaningless of existence, not just mine but everyone’s
☐ Get a drastic haircut
☐ Listen to Tegan and Sara’s “Heartthrob” on repeat for 24 hours
☐ Scream into a pillow until my throat feels like it’s going to split
I will be back to work once:
☐ I can get out of this empty bathtub
☐ It is spring
☐ Someone gorgeous has brought me warm milk
☐ The consequences of being terribly drunk start to seem more grim than the consequences of not being terribly drunk
☐ I have watched every episode of Key & Peele
Sincerely,
________
Tags: jess zimmerman, sick days, work
Right in the gut. Ouch.
Hi I know I’ve told you this a thousand times but I “accidentally” listened to your Leonard Cohen Spotify playlist and haven’t worked since, where’s my beautiful prose poem
This is it
best one i’ve read all the year.
I would like to request a PDF version, for easy printing and emailing.
I work from home and I still want to go home after reading this.
Dammit, just when I had myself convinced that I was admirably acquitting myself in the face of the Winter Sadness, this comes along and the gut punch of recognition shows me what a flimsy farce of a belief that was. I’m gonna be taking so many ‘sick’ days come January.
☐ Read old emails from someone who loved me because he knew nothing
Not just me, then. Good.
I can’t remember the log in to that email address anymore.
How about everything at the same time?
You guys I’m almost all the way through Key and Peele what do I dooooo
Mitchell and Webb?
☐ Learn to live alongside the fundamental meaningless of existence, not just mine but everyone’s
Mama says: After you scale that mountain, reward yourself with this fudge recipe:
http://www.browneyedbaker.com/2010/12/07/fudge-re…
Do yourself a favor and buy the best chocolate you can. I use Taza Chocolate made right here in Somerville, MA – there are other great brands.
Can…can I have the fudge anyway?
☐ A dog DIDN’T look at me and I am desolated
I have this problem. “Why won’t this dog on the street look at me? I am looking at you, dog! Return the favor! I thought we were friends!”
and if I were another dog I could bark at you and then you’d pay attention to me and maybe bark back, we could have a whole conversation about smells or something but instead I’m looking at you while you think about squirrels or food — omg how am I in unrequited love with a dog what is my life
Are you me?
…Dammit.
This sent me in panicked search of Richard Wilbur’s “Winter Spring” and some Vaughan Williams. The sun comes back, right? The sun comes back?
WINTER SPRING AHHHHHH
One of the all-time great endings in all of literature. Sometimes I just chant it to myself during February in Chicago, to the pace of my footsteps.
Aaah! You like Vaughn Williams too?! I’ve only ever met one other person of my generation who does, and he’s a juicebox.
Also, the sun DOES come back.
☐ The consequences of being terribly drunk start to seem more grim than the consequences of not being terribly drunk
This has been my reasoning since I started grad school.
ow
ow
ow
ow
ow
This is perfect and all 15 of your feelings on the Hairpin are perfect, write more things please Jess ZImmerman.
☐ A dog looked at me
Related: My dog gave me the saddest look as I headed out the door and I felt too guilty to leave.
One morning I woke up to my cat sleeping on top of me, and he looked so warm and cozy that I couldn’t bring myself to disturb him. So I called out sick.
I read this and felt kind of sad and then for some reason decided it was a good idea to finally start reading Anders Nilsen’s “The End” which I bought months ago but have continually put off reading because I knew I probably couldn’t handle it and, jeez, did I mention I am actually AT WORK right now? Oof, stupid dumb feelings.
I just got Nilsen’s “Rage of Poseidon”, which I’m looking forward to, but I’m not sure if I want to read “The End”. “Please Don’t Go” was upsetting not only because of the subject matter but because it felt so intrusive, even though I knew that the author (obviously) had OKed it for public consumption. I don’t think I want to read a continuation of that.
I AM home from work today, which has given me chance to re-read this three times; every time I get to “Someone made a joke about dead pets meeting you in heaven”, the waterworks turn on again
This completely and exactly sums up my everything.
☐ I looked out the window just before dawn as the sky started to gray around the corners with morning fog, and now I have to know how it ends.
OHBOY. I thought this was the same author as eating your feelings I was RIGHT. HUZZAH. These are my favorite.
☐ Listen to Tegan and Sara’s “Heartthrob” on repeat for 24 hours
Oh hi, I just discovered this and I’m not going to stop listening for at least 24 hours.
This is the best thing ever.
DESPAIRING.
is there a word for the endless void that replaces upon realizing there are no new episodes of Key & Peele left
*replaces your soul dammit (hard to type with no soul left)
love a good simultaneous laugh & cry. and the wording of this whole thing is so good! <3
Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
May I ask for this in a .pdf format please?
I have not listened to Leonard Cohen once during my entire grad school career, because I knew it would leave me non-functional and unable to complete my degree. Listening to Leonard Cohen is a dangerous pastime, indeed.
I usually prefer my ruby glow of sun through maples instead of dogwoods.
yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhh