Previously: Dirtbag Aphrodite.
AEGEUS: ah my son
tales of your bravery have reached me long before you arrived
you have slain Procrustes — Sinis — Sciron — the Pallantides — and cleared this land of robbers and evildoers
tell me, how did you —
THESEUS: its pretty simple
i just kill everyone i meet til i get where i’m going
AEGEUS: ah
THESEUS: its simpler that way
i dont have to keep track
AEGEUS: Brave Theseus
you must help us defeat the Minotaur
promise me only that upon your return you will replace the black sails of death with the white sails of triumph
that I know you are alive and I am not bereft in my old age
for if you do not return — if i see the black sails again — i shall throw myself into the sea and end my sorrows
THESEUS: black sails, death, got it
AEGEUS: you mean the white sails
THESEUS: kill the sails, find my father the Minotaur, got it
AEGEUS: No, I — perhaps I should write this down, it’s very important that you remember —
THESEUS: I SAID I GOT IT
THESEUS: WHERE IS THE MINNOWMAN
LEMME AT HIM
ARIADNE: He is the Minotaur
THESEUS: what
ARIADNE: We call him the Minotaur
THESEUS: okay whatever you call him
let me at this fishfucker
i’ll have him out of the water in two seconds
we’ll eat that son of a bitch for dinner
ARIADNE: he’s not — he’s not a fish
THESEUS: why is there a minnow in his name then
ARIADNE: I — there’s not — he’s half-man, half-bull
THESEUS: oh
ARIADNE: so it’s a little trickier
than picking up a fish
THESEUS: well what am i supposed to do then
ARIADNE: listen there’s a secret to getting in and out of the labyrinth
and i’ll help you if you promise me one thing
take me with you when you leave this place
THESEUS: ooh
i’m not really
a “take people with me” kind of guy
ARIADNE: the Labyrinth is impenetrable
the alternative is death
THESEUS: but there’s something different about you
something i’d definitely like to have with me all the time, so yes, i’ll take you with me definitely yes for sure
THESEUS: I have slain the Minuteman
let us make haste
PIRITHOUS: aren’t you forgetting something, lord
THESEUS: nah I brought its head with me
PIRITHOUS: what of the maid
THESEUS: we have a maid at home
PIRITHOUS: no, I — the maiden who aided thee
THESEUS: who?
PIRITHOUS: Ariadne
the daughter of the king
she gave you the magic thread that led you out of the labyrinth?
the magic thread you used to slay the Minotaur?
THESEUS: OH
Stringy
the, the helping girl
no I
I had a vision from the gods
they told me to leave her here
for god reasons
PIRITHOUS: really?
THESEUS: yes
my hands are really tied here
I’d love to bring her back with us
because of all her helping
but I just respect the gods too much
[alone, on the beach]
ARIADNE: Theseus?
THESEUS: these black sails are great
i feel like we’re sailing twice as fast
im never going back to white sails again
Tags: demigods, dirtbags, greek mythology, religion, theseus
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This is hilarious. Thanks for posting!
stringy the helping girl
i am dead, mallory has slain me minnowman-style
I read that line several times in amazed satisfaction. Stringy. STRINGY. So helping.
so helping
very string
wow
HERACLES: Theseus greatest of Athenians, I have come to the underworld to rescue you
THESEUS: cool thanks
THESEUS: let’s boogie
HERACLES: But we have not yet rescued Pirathous, your own and only sworn best friend
THESEUS: who
HERACLES: Your Pirathous, who helped you to carry off Helen for your bride
THESEUS: oh
THESEUS: the guy that goes everywhere with me and does everything with me and helps me kidnap semi divine chicks
THESEUS: he’s just some dude
THESEUS: So…you gonna carry me or what?
HERACLES: You are a brave and powerful fighter, surely you jest!
THESEUS: Nah, man, I sat on this bench that I can’t get up from, so you’re probably going to have to carry that up too. Thanks man.
THESEUSSSSS *BOOOOOO, HISSSSSS*
PIRITHOUS: what of the maid
THESEUS: we have a maid at home
PIRITHOUS: no, I — the maiden who aided thee
THESEUS: who?
PIRITHOUS: Ariadne
the daughter of the king
she gave you the magic thread that led you out of the labyrinth?
the magic thread you used to slay the Minotaur?
THESEUS: OH
Stringy
the, the helping girl
no, I
I had a vision from the gods
they told me to leave her here
for god reasons
SICK THE FURIES ON HIM
Also it’s really hard not to hear Theseus’ lines in Archer Sterling’s voice, which seems pretty canon.
Oh my God. Re-reading now.
Yep, Archer is now my inner dirtbag voice.
“stringy the helping girl”
This is 110% correct
“Dirtbag X in Archer Sterling’s voice” makes me think I kind of really a Dirtbag Bob Belcher.
I did the same thing!
When you spelled Theseus with extra esses I read it as THE SEUSS and now really want someone to write some weird crossover Greek myth fanfic where Dr. Seuss kills a Minotaur.
Do you like the bull-in-man?
I do not like him, Cretan fan!
Dirtbag “Phedre”! Do Dirtbag “Phedre”!
Phedre: I wish I was dead. I have a crush on my stepson, which is just totes inappropes.
Oenone: What would be wrong with just seducing him?
Phedre: …
Oenone: I mean, just get it out of your system. You’ve already stolen your sister’s boyfriend. Your mom shagged a bull. It’s not like you come from a well-adjusted family.
for god reasons
aka the founding philosophy of all Western religions
it’s okay, ariadne, you can do better than theseus!
srsly, Ariadne looks so much happier on that bench with those leopards and no men.
WHO WOULDN’T BE
beach with leopards, next step: witch cave!
dream life
Dionysus is definitely a step up.
All these dirtbag Greek myths are very smoothly supplanting my 8th grade memories of Greek myths. Pretty soon I won’t be able to recall a version of any of them where Theseus doesn’t bellow WHERE IS THE MINNOWMAN or Apollo isn’t making dick jokes all over the place.
Weirdly, that might actually be more true to the ancient stories than whatever you learned in 8th grade…
Absolutely canon, every word. There’s even Ye Olde Fix-It Fic in which Ariadne does WAY better than that loser Theseus and hooks up with the god Dionysus.
I just read an historical romance that’s part of a series that uses myth retellings as a framing device, and in this one, Ariadne talks to the minotaur, discovers he’s a cool dude, tells Theseus to fuck off, then she and the Minotaur (who magically turns into a human again, true love, blah blah blah) leave Theseus behind in the labyrinth and live happily ever after.
Much better.
But… but the Minotaur is Ariadne’s half-brother.
Look, if the bull thing didn’t stop them…
I know incest never bothered the ancient Greeks, but you’d think it would give a modern romance novelist pause…
Oh, Ariadne got recast as the female maze sacrifice. So, no incest issues here. But the string and stuff was the same.
I admit my first thought was, “what’s a little incest between quasi-deity family members?” #dirtbagdeities
Hey, if someone can write incest fanfic about the Folgers ad bro and sis, this whole “Minotaur is my half-brother” thing doesn’t seem quite so shocking.
I ship the Folgers siblings #noshame
Ok thank you for posting this, because it made me google the commercial and rewatch and HOLY SHITBAGS that is a slashy commercial.
Reading the fic now.
I like to think Ariadne was “seduced by Dionysus” in the same way that Helen was “forced by Persuasion” to run away with Paris, i.e. she is like this middle-aged woman I saw once in a winery in Santa Barbara, running the big sunny deserted place all by herself with a big big red nose and a big smile that was pretty clearly more about her 2:00 p.m. drunk than about greeting her visitors. I forget if Mallory included Drunk Spinster in the Spinster Classification Index but that is what Ariadne is.
omg
seriously
this place has my number A LITTLE TOO WELL
STRINGY
I thought on first glance that this was a post about dirtbag thesises.
Thesii
Theezus’
I’m just having fun here.
Thesipodes.
ME TOO. My thesis is a total dirtbag.
Totally using “I’m not really a ‘take people with me’ kind of guy” the next time I’m trying to get out of lunch with colleagues.
I’ve been getting a lot of general agita from my family about how I’m taking a vacation by myself this summer. “I’m not a really a ‘take people with me’ kind of guy” is my new answer.
Totally my favorite and I will also use it in the future.
At least Dionysos was a definite trade-up for Ariadne.
THESEUS: OH
Stringy
the, the helping girl
I totally heard this in the voice of Peter Capaldi as the Twelfth Doctor on Doctor Who. (“Thingy! The…the not-me one! The asking-questions one!”)
URGH JASON
I still do not quite see how Medea is a tragedy, apart from all the, y'know, gruesome deaths of innocents. Medea gets a ton of soliloquies in which she proves herself to be right-thinking, she WINS and gets away scot-free in a DRAGON CHARIOT and that asshole, that douchecanoe, that knobwaffle Jason, who is so like so many men we know and despise, is ruined. HA.
ARIADNE: he left me
the fucker left me
what the hell am i going to do now
DIONYSUS: hey girl
laughing so hard about “stringy, the helping girl”
such a dick move to name people after their usefulness to you.
Do you like the bull-in-man?
I do not like him, Cretan fan!
Ok thank you for posting this, because it made me google the commercial and rewatch and HOLY SHITBAGS that is a slashy commercial.
Reading the fic now.
PLEASE do a Dirtbag Diana/Artemis one….
NYMPH: hey have you seen Actaeon around
ARTEMIS: ha yeah no
hes dead
he spied on me bathing so i killed him
NYMPH: he spied on you bathing?!
ARTEMIS: yeah or he like saw me by accident or whatever
i was bathing in the woods
all totally naked in the middle of his fathers woods where he goes hunting
he was like walking along and he saw me
so
NYMPH: so you killed him
ARTEMIS: yeah
or i turned him into a stag with a human brain and let his faithful dogs tear him to pieces while he was still alive
y’know
like it’s not cool to spy on me
Hippolytus: Hi dad!
Theseus: oh my god I hope you get killed by a bull that comes out of the sea
H:…what?
T: Nothing