935 Comments

  1. CleverManka +55

    Friday could not come fast enough for me this week. Was it a long week for everyone else, too?

    So hey, this painting came up on my dash again today, and you guys, it looks so much like me I can’t even tell you. Face, hair, skin tone–even my body shape. I also feel it captures my soul (what bitter, charred bits of it remain) and it just makes me so happy. If there was ever anything that could make me believe in reincarnation, this painting would be it.

    1. Eris +6

      Oh wow, that is the best painting I have ever seen. That’s amazing!

      Yeah, it’s been a doozy of a week, and I’m not sorry to see it end. Happy Friday, everyone!

      1. CleverManka +30

        I’m waiting to see if someone buys it for me for xmas and if not, I’m getting it for myself. I mean, fuck yeah I’ll hang a naked painting of myself being a scourge to mankind in my bedroom. WHO WOULDN’T?

        1. deleted7410012 +19

          if i had a doppelganger painting that cool, i would have it framed above my bed, haha. no shame!

    3. fenixdawn +20

      Unsolicited art historical factoid = That artist kept a pet monkey that was wont to escape and wreak havoc in his Parisian neighborhood.

      Also, that painting is a truly excellent art historical doppelgänger.

    4. actualmeg +17

      I have a similar body shape to the subjects of a lot of Western European art (idk what period to call it specifically, I never learned art history), and when I am feeling down on myself appearance-wise I comfort myself with the knowledge that had I been born in a different century, painters would have been ALL ABOUT having me sit for them.

      1. fenixdawn +12

        Me and the Venus of Urbino have small breasts, wide hips, and a belly. Art historical body types FTW.

    6. Ethylbenzene +8

      SUCH a long week. Scary doctor appt for spouse that turned into happy doctor appt when she said everything is fine but which led to massive exhaustion afterwards, new stove drama of ridiculous proportions, cell phone contract issues of ridiculous proportions, plus where the hell did fall go and why is it 87 today?!?!

        1. Ethylbenzene +4

          Ahahahahaha annnnnd my period came early and also I realized at like 8 pm that my underpants were on inside out. I may channel Truth in that painting tomorrow and just get out of bed in full-on rage mode, yelling at the world to fix its shit already.

    7. deleted7541601 +10

      Darn fine painting. Truth looks like she’s just hit her last nerve. Possibly because of the GOP ‘debate’.

      2. LezzyBeaverman +3

        YES YES YES. I would particularly like to buy a print of the stop hitting yourself one, because I have a lot of siblings. Just sayin’, if you decide you would like my moneys 🙂

    2. Eris +6

      I want that on a shirt. And a tote bag. I just want as many things with that on it as possible. These have made my whole day.

      1. octopoda +12

        Thanks! I was debating putting them up on Society6 if there was interest. Would donate the money to one of Nicole’s link roundup causes.

    4. octopoda +7

      Ok! I set up a shop here:
      https://society6.com/octopoda

      If anyone has recommendation for other / better print shops please let me know. I set the profit margin to $2, and I’ll donate that money to something recommended here. Right now it’s just prints, I’ll figure out how to activate more items too.

      Edit: Also, I’ve never used this shop or any other online shop to sell stuff before, so if something goes wrong please let me know and I’ll try to fix it!

  3. deleted7410012 +17

    happy friday, toasties!

    the first time i saw the “continental breakfast” sketch, i straight-up choked on my laughter when he bit into the banana. it was too much for me to handle. it’s perfect.

    1. tragicallyludicrous +4

      Apparently Peele had a stint at one of the comedy troupes in Amsterdam! It has surprisingly good alumni, maybe I should actually see a show there sometime.

  4. houblonchouffe +14

    Toasts! We are likely purchasing a vehicle for MrChouffe this weekend, which is very exciting, and it is all selected and all the financing is lovely, and it has gotten me to thinking about cars in general. I know not everyone drives, by choice or circumstance or other factors, but I have loved driving ever since I could do it.

    So let’s talk about cars! What was your first car? Do you have a favorite car, either that you’ve owned or driven or admired from afar? Do you name your cars? TELL ME EVERYTHING.

    1. ppyajunebug +9

      I name my cars, although we only ever used the name on my first. She was a gold 1992 Honda Accord with maroon interior and her name was Lafawnduh (I let my sister name her and she was really, really into Napoleon Dynamite at the time). Current car is named Inigo because why not.

    2. catoclock +6

      My first car was a crappy little ten-year-old Nissan Sentra that I drove through the end of high school. It died like a week after my younger sister got her license and was due to inherit it.

      1. jimmyjimjimjim +1

        I’ve never owned one but the I do think the C30 is a gorgeous little car. I was very close to picking one up back in ’13 but I knew I was moving eventually and Clarice was too cheap to pass up.

    4. Thujaplicata +7

      My first car was a 1986 Subaru station wagon that I bought with money from a summer job after my junior year of college. I named him Hermes. I actually just sold him about a year ago and it was really hard. I never drove him, but I was so attached, he’d gotten me through about 10 years of my life and many moves and road trips. *sniffle*

    5. cait0716 +8

      Cars! I’m super excited about this right now, because I also just bought a new car. A 2016 Hyundai Elantra GT, which is lovely and exactly what we needed. And although I do name my cars, I have not yet named this one. But how else are you going to sing happy birthday to them?

      But my favorite car was my first car. A ’95 Subaru Outback that my dad got me for my 16th birthday. I drove that car everywhere. From LA to DC, down to El Paso and up to Yellowstone. It was blue and I named it LaVelle, and I filled it with all of my belongings at both the beginning and the end of college and when I moved from Boulder to DC. It was faithful and loyal and then it started doing this thing where I would be idling at a red light and the engine would just turn off. I had it for almost 10 years, and I’m still sad that I didn’t quite make that mark.

      After it died I bought a used Camry from a very Christian dealership. When I arrived home I discovered a bible in the backseat. Apparently it was a free bible with every car kind of place. They still send me Christmas cards, too. I named that car Simon.

      And now we have the brand new car, which is fun and exciting. I still miss my Subaru, though. Maybe one day I can justify getting one again.

      1. houblonchouffe +5

        TEAM SUBARU 4EVA. I have a 2015 Impreza and it is my favorite. 10/10 would purchase again.

        also it is beyond lovely that you sing your cars happy birthday <3

        1. cait0716 +9

          We went on a lot of road trips when I was a kid, and this was one of my dad’s “tricks” for keeping us happy. Whenever the car rolled over 1000 miles we sang happy birthday and stopped for ice cream at the next place we saw.

        2. Thujaplicata +3

          I’m also team Subaru (as you might guess from my first car story). The current Thuja household Subaru is a 2003 Legacy. His name is Salvia (why yes he is sage green, how did you guess?!)

      2. fenixdawn +4

        I must name EVERYTHING. So my first (and only, which is saying something because I am in the mid 30s) car was a Chevy Cavalier named Grantaire. Why I named my car after a despairing alcoholic I will never know. He finally died, and when he did, I donated him to a good cause, as I feel his namesake would have appreciated in some hazy way.

        My husband drives the most nondescript Honda Accord in the world. It is so nondescript that I learned the license plate when we were first dating out of fear that I would accidentally get in the wrong man’s black Accord. The car is now named Jelly Bean (after the Chicago sculpture, not the candy) and his girlfriend is a plastic Hello Kitty doll that lives in his glove box.

      3. flying_ghoti +1

        I had a ’96 Outback named Makara. It was a good car, but it was my first car, and I was still so anxious about driving that I think I projected it onto the Subaru and never really was able to fall in love properly as a result.

    6. Eris +5

      My first car was a toothpaste green Ford Taurus that once belonged to my grandmother. We named it Trixie. It had an idle speed of 15 mph. If it hadn’t gotten blindsided, I’d probably still be driving it.

      My current car is a teeny little dark grey Prius C that I love to the moon and back, because it’s tiny and turns on a dime and gets 400 miles out of a 9 gallon gas tank. I’ll be the first to admit, though, that once Tesla comes out with the model 3 I may seriously consider saying goodbye to it.

    7. slowseptember +6

      My first car was a silver 1992 Toyota Tercel named Clive! I got him in 2006 and LOVED to drive him although I had to replace the suspension almost immediately. I crashed him in 2007 and was so, so sad.

      My favourite car is Zephyr, the one we have now. It’s a 2013 Hyundai Elantra hatchback, light gray-green, which I bought new as a present to myself for getting a grown-up job, and it has never given us a speck of trouble. In fact, I highly recommend it.

      I also have had a 1988 Chrysler 5th Avenue (Marie-Antoinette) with blue velour interior and a marginally reliable 2004 Chevy Optra. (Phanty, for the Phantom of the Optra).

    8. daisymerolling +14

      I dont drive, I was supposed to get my license before college but my social anxiety was like NOPE and I had a breakdown in the car with the poor poor tester trying to console me.
      My 15 year old brother got a 1999 Honda Accord this summer and the color on the registration was “raisin”. So it’s called The Raisin. He’s apparently going to get “Raisin’ Hell” airbrushed on the hood. He’s already bought a California Raisin bumper sticker and one that reads “26.3” that he finds hilariously ironic for some reason.
      Keep in mind he won’t be able to drive this car until January.

        1. daisymerolling +9

          he’s the funniest person I know. He did the ice bucket challenge with pictures of Vanilla Ice and Ice Cube instead of actual ice, then taped the pictures everywhere: the blades of our ceiling fan, over our framed family pictures, in the ice tray of our freezer.
          I came home from school one day to discover Vanilla Ice taped on the ceiling above my bed, and Ice Cube taped above my sister’s. We never got around to taking them off so when I moved into my dorm room, Vanilla Ice was the first thing to go up.

          2. daisymerolling +2

            That’s one of my many stories about my brother’s shenanigans. My favorite though is how he was the Sebastian to my Viola in my senior production of Viola. His dancing when Olivia sang “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”…perfection. Ugh I need to call home and talk to him now.

    9. jimmyjimjimjim +5

      92 dodge shadow, eventually named Lester.
      96 saturn SL1 named Annabelle (she’s dead now but she was my soul mate and I miss her terribly).
      88 mazda b2200 named Clarice.

      Clarice isn’t the greatest driving car, she leaks oil so she’s frequently quite noisy. no stereo, heat/ac don’t really work and the seat is missing quite a bit of foam but I used to take Annabelle out and just drive around for hours. New Mexico has some excellent scenery.

    10. CleverManka +5

      CARS YES CARS

      My first car was one of those horrible 80s Dodge Chargers which are just…anathema to the legend of the Charger but fuck it I loved that thing and it really was surprisingly zippy for what it was. Mine was red, too, and looked pretty much just like that picture at the link.

      Now I drive a Chrysler Crossfire and I fucking love it. So cute, also surprisingly fast, and handles like a champ.

      In the garage right now is my 68 Chevelle which the Burgomaster and I have been working on for more than three years (sadness). I have no idea when she’ll be on the road, but when she is, I’m making an Epic Road Trip I tell you what. I’ve never named any of my cars, but her name is Beast and I love her so much even though she’s all in pieces right now.

      A 68 Chevelle is my dream car and the only things that could possible compete would be a 2009 Maserati Granturismo or the 2013 Ferarri F12 Berlinetta.

      1. houblonchouffe +5

        We so, so need to hang out.

        I worked in classic-car insurance for a couple of years, then moved away and made friends with a pile of automotive journalists that didn’t own cars, they just tested demo models, which meant that for two years I was riding around in some spectacular vehicles.

        1. CleverManka +3

          Whereabouts are you? If you’re not on the west coast, I am totally putting you on my dance card for the Epic Road Trip.

          1. houblonchouffe +4

            I’m on Michigan’s pinky finger, which is not on the way to anywhere or from anywhere, but is breathtakingly beautiful and worth a visit. 🙂

          2. CleverManka +2

            I plan to visit someone in Maine, so really, pinky finger of Michigan isn’t that out of the way.

    11. wallpaperori +20

      My first car was an ex-police car, a blue, unmarked Crown Victoria that could go 210 mph and still had the spotlight. My dad got it for me, and it was an excellent car for a 17-year-old, because I never got tickets, and everyone around me stayed at 45 mph. Excellent car, much missed.

    12. viviennestreet +6

      My first car was a 94 Honda Civic. My current car is a 98 Civic. It doesn’t look like much, but I really like how the manual transmissions from the 90s handle. I don’t know why, but every stick shift from 2001 up that I’ve tried have been infuriating to drive.

      1. houblonchouffe +3

        It’s because that’s about when manufacturers starting making clutches super, super loose. I barely had to press the clutch on my 2004 Civic to shift.

      2. geekcrackteam +3

        Yes yes yes!!! Super loose clutched and stupid hard breaks! II much prefer 90s cars! It feels more mechanical when you drive!

    13. geekcrackteam +6

      I miss cars. I love driving but living in a big city means having a car would be stupid.

      My first car was also my favorite. It was a black Seat Arosa (European brand, knock-off of a VW), it had a 0.9lt engine and it was a square box with little teeny tiny wheels. I inherited it from my brother and used it for the weekly commute home from where I worked/lived on site.

      I know you Americans are laughing at that tiny engine, but let me tell you that thing could go. And skid. It skidded a lot on the gravel snake-run drive we had. And it was so fuel efficent; the car its a rip-off of (The VW Lupo) was banned in the States for being TOO fuel efficent, 99mpg bitches.

      Literally two weeks after I got my full licence, another Learner driver hit me and totaled the car 🙁 Saddest day ever.

      1. CleverManka +3

        I am honestly worried about possible assault charges should someone ever damage either my Crossfire or shudder the Chevelle once it’s on the road. Seriously. It’s a concern.

        1. geekcrackteam +2

          To make it worse, after the crash my brother insisted it was still his car (even though mother bought it for him, and then gave it to me after he got his license taken away)) so he wanted the money from the write off, so I couldn’t even get a decent replacement!

          I’ve never been so annoyed at someone. I barely drove on my own as a learner (you’re not supposed to, but lots of people do) and after it took 3tries to get my full license, some other leaner who didn’t know how to drive, on her own in the car and driving in ugg boots (her foot ‘slipped’ on the pedals and she came straight at me) hits me and ruins my lovley little car! And the police didn’t even do anything (they’re supposed to fine you for driving on your own on a learner licence!)

          Still pissed and its like 6 years later.

          1. CleverManka +5

            my brother insisted it was still his car (even though mother bought it for him, and then gave it to me after he got his license taken away)) so he wanted the money from the write off, so I couldn’t even get a decent replacement

          2. geekcrackteam +2

            I KNOW RIGHT!

            In fairness he did help me get an alright car after for not much money, but still bro.

      2. saffiedarling +3

        My current car only has a 0.9lt engine! It’s a 2010 Suzuki Alto and it is TINY and I love it so freaking much. It is ridiculously cheap to run, a dream to reverse parallel park thanks to the aforementioned tinyness, and is surprisingly zippy. You do have to give it some encouragement if you hit a steep hill without any run up, but it handles a cross country trip like a champ.

        It’s name is Mr Shuffles.

    14. Either_Ada +11

      My first (and only) car was a 1995 Dodge Neon in a vague shade of purple. It was 2003. The a/c didn’t work (and I lived in Satan’s armpit) and the front passenger-side door didn’t open. It broke down all the time and I hated it passionately, but it really came in handy once…

      I was teaching as a grad student at the local university and all the grad students were unionizing. I had to tell my students one day that there was a chance I’d be walking out and they were all, “Why? You’re not poor.” I tried my best to explain about my less-than-minimum wages and massive debt I was taking on for my Master’s, but they were unconvinced. A lot of them were poor, too, or grew up poor, and being a teacher seemed solidly middle class to them. My claim that I was being paid next to nothing seemed illogical… for some reason…

      But then in the next day or two, a group of them saw me waiting to exit the parking lot. They ran up and exclaimed, “Miss Either_Ada, you ARE poor!!!” They also told me they wouldn’t be seen dead in my car.

      A lot of students came by for high-fives and other offerings of moral support when we were picketing.

    15. megalesias +7

      I shared my mom’s Ford Focus station wagon for seven years of hs + college. It was not a bad car, actually, but it tended to overheat a lot, aka any time it was in stop-and-go traffic.

      Now I have my first car of my own, and I looooove it, a 2010 Toyota Yaris, bright BRIGHT red, named Marisol.

    16. BestLaidPlans +5

      I am 400 miles away from 200,000 on my Honda. I’m waffling between shopping for a newer model or just driving this sucker for as long as possible.

      1. CleverManka +5

        DRIVE IT FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. I sold my ’86 Honda CRX several years ago and the woman who bought it still uses it for her commuter car. Those old Hondas are sturdy. I mean, as long as you’re not paying the equivalent of a car payment in repairs every month, why not drive it into the ground?

        1. BestLaidPlans +3

          The only reason I would think about giving it up is because I have an almost 16-year-old in the house. If she’s interested in taking it, I might let her take it and get a new one for myself. The only reason she wouldn’t take it is because of the standard transmission, which I love but she’s lukewarm on.

          1. CleverManka +3

            I understand that. I was terrified of manual transmissions until I learned to drive one (it was, in fact, that CRX) and then I was all HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO WRONG. Now I insist on my cars being standard with the same ferocity I demand a gas stove in my living space.

            Maybe she could get her feet wet with someone’s automatic and once she’s somewhat comfortable, give the manual a spin?

          2. Thujaplicata +7

            I learned to drive on a manual transmission and now you can only drag manual transmission from my cold dead claws. I love the feeling of control it gives me.

          3. BestLaidPlans +3

            I think she’d do great on the manual. She wants to get the basics of driving under control before she starts adding the challenge of shifting gears. I totally get that and I wouldn’t do all the horrible things my dad did to me when he taught me how to drive manual, like parking on a huge hill and making me get it moving from a dead stop.

          5. regularmegan +3

            Oh god, my dad did that to me as well. In an 88 Ford truck. It was the only time I ever told him I hated him.

          6. houblonchouffe +7

            How HoublonChouffe Learned to Drive a Manual Transmission:

            “Isn’t your senior prom in a few days, sweetie?”
            “Yes, Mom, it is!”
            “Were you planning on taking your car or your boyfriend’s?”*
            “Uh… apparently?”
            “How about you don’t, because I rented you a New Beetle for prom!”**
            “OHMYGOD”
            “One catch.”
            “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD wait what’s the catch?”
            “It’s a manual transmission. If you want to drive it to prom, you’ve got five days to learn.”
            “…oh. Shit. Okay, then.”

            Reader, it worked.

            *I drove a 1979 Olds Delta 88; boyfriend drove a Cavalier wagon; neither were ideal suburban-school senior prom vehicles

            **it was 1999 and they were brand new and we owned a 1968 convertible Beetle at the time, so this was kind of a Big Deal

          7. CleverManka +5

            Ahhh! What a brilliant story! I learned to drive stick when a friend went on vacation and left her CRX (the one I eventually bought and…sold) in front of my house with the statement “You can learn to drive it or not. Have fun!” Reader, I did.

            I drove a 1979 Olds Delta 88; boyfriend drove a Cavalier wagon; neither were ideal suburban-school senior prom vehicles

            I’m remembering my HS BF’s 70s-era Delta 88 and I think we might have had very different prom night experiences, you and I.

          9. jimmyjimjimjim +6

            I was vaguely taught about 3 times over the course of 10 years, like total manual driving experience less than 5 miles.

            Several year after the last attempt at learning I sat down in Clarice and drove her home (including interstate driving). I just told myself “I understand how to drive a manual in theory” and because I have a degree in physics that’s sufficient to convince myself that it would be fine.

            The down side is that I basically ended up teaching myself to drive a manual and without some one to point out my bad habits before they became habits I’ve never gotten all that good at it.

          10. Daniel_Loo +5

            My first job was as a hospital valet, so I ended up learning manual transmission by driving patient and ER visitors’ cars. Pretty good way to learn, if you ever get the chance!

    17. Alli525 +8

      I learned to drive in my mom’s Honda Odyssey, and hot damn that minivan had some get-up-and-go for what it was. Once I raced it against my friend’s ’92 Camaro down a major highway (I was 17, hwaetever).

      The first car that I OWNED is also my last, so far (I live in NYC and as a result cannot even afford car insurance, let alone car payments/parking/maintenance/etc.) … it was a mid-00s Suzuki Forenza, in a cherry red. I named her Fiamatta – “littlest flame” in Italian – and called her Fia for short. She was wonderful to me in both her life and in her “death,” when I sold her for NYC rent money the day before I left North Carolina.

      The best part about Fia is how I got her. I like to start the story with “that time my mom punched me in Scotland and then bought me a car,” and it is one of my all-time favorite stories. It’s not that involved of a story: 3-week family vacation to Europe as a graduation present for me (college) and my brother (high school). 2 weeks in, we are all a little punchy and irritated, and my mother, usually clinically depressed, was oddly having a manic episode one morning. She got in my face, then when I told her to cut it out, pretended to have no idea what I was referring to and asked me in a mock-hurt tone to show her what she was doing wrong. I got up, started fluttering around in her personal space, and part of the t-shirt I was holding in my hand accidentally swiped the corner of her eye. Next thing I know my face is burning and I am on the other side of the hotel room trying to get as far away from her as possible. I didn’t speak to her – not one word – for the remaining week of the trip, and for a few weeks afterward. My dad then brokered a sort of agreement/peace treaty – she was so desperate to be forgiven that she would even give me her own car (the Odyssey)… which didn’t really make sense, but he convinced me to look at it another way – she’d have to replace her car if she gave it to me, and she was apparently willing to spend up to $X on this whole thing, and if I made it clear that the car wasn’t buying my forgiveness but that the car was a symbol of her commitment to go back on her meds and go back to counseling, it might actually wind up helping things.

      It was a sad-yet-bizarrely-funny story back in ’08 when it happened, and it’s much funnier now. To me and my friends, anyway, not so much her. But my mom punched me in the face, bought me a car, and I sold the car a couple years later to fund my move to NYC, so it worked out (for me) in the end anyway.

    18. jenavira +5

      The only car I have ever really enjoyed driving was the teeny little two-door (cripes, I cannot remember the make and model, only that it was German and hideously expensive to have repaired, but old and crappy enough that it was not actually an expensive car) that my mom bought for herself and then gave to me when I went to college because, it turned out, she could not drive stick. Ever since then I have longed for a car with a manual transmission, but my dad keeps giving me cars. Which is not a thing to complain about, I am not ungrateful, but as my mom can’t drive stick, they are all automatics, and I cannot justify buying a car when there’s one being offered to me for the cost of registration. So. *sad*

    19. SmrtCookie +7

      Related! Somehow, despite driving for half my life, my lights only burn out right when I’m supposed to get my oil change so I’ve always just had them change the bulb while I’m there. This week a bulb burned out and I changed it myself. Which logically I know is a silly thing but I felt LIKE A BOSS.

    20. flying_ghoti +5

      Alas, today I am mourning my beloved Trismegistus (better known as Trixie) who was declared totalled today after an accident on Wednesday. She was a 2010 Honda Insight, and she was the best car anyone could ever hope for. Six years, 60,000 miles, never a single mechanical problem, and enormously fun to drive up to the last day I owned her. And she didn’t depreciate badly, either, even by the insurance company’s definition of her “value”.

      They stopped making the Insight this year, because nobody was buying them, which is a damnable shame. They’re amazing, wonderous cars. 40+ miles per gallon without putting you to sleep! I’m hoping that by the middle of next week I will be the owner of another one, but it will never have my heart like Trixie did. I will name the new one, probably after a different syncretic deity (suggestions welcome!) but it won’t be the same.

    21. AmyEntropy +2

      First car: a Toyota Tercel named Eddie. Owned for 14 years.
      Second a Honda Fit named Eugene. Owned for 7 years and counting.
      I wanted a hybrid but where I lived when I bought the second car there wasn’t adequate servicing available. When I moved I asked my brother, who works with cars professionally, if I should sell the Fit and buy a hybrid. He told me that environmentally it’s better to keep the car I have than to put another one on the road, since I don’t drive it to work it’s mostly highway driving.

    22. femaelstrom +5

      I had such severe anxiety about driving that I didn’t get my license til last year, when I was 24. (Fortunately I grew up in places where it wasn’t *super* necessary to have a car.) Now that I’ve gotten that anxiety under control, I kind of love driving except in the middle of the city or the crazy highways around it. I learned to drive on my parents’ stick shift (which is still what I drive because I cannot afford a car of my own) and I love having that skill. They had a silver Mazda 3 hatchback, but I got T-boned at an intersection last December and it was totaled. Now we have…the exact same car, but a newer model and BLUE.

      For some reason, my parents’ car dealer is an Israeli man named Eddie who is missing several fingers and several teeth. He’s based out of Camden (aka one of the most dangerous cities in the U.S). Somehow they see nothing sketchy about this, and I will say he hasn’t failed us yet, but like….still.

      1. daisymerolling +1

        Oh my goodness Im so glad it wasnt just me that has severe anxiety when it comes to driving!!!

    23. notebook-keeper +4

      My first car was a 1996 Saturn SC. I named it Jack Car-ouac because I’m awful.

      It was not technically my car, but the car my parents bought to be “the car the kids are allowed to drive because we don’t trust them not to wreck the nice one” and I was the oldest & first to get my license so it was just mine for a few years. My youngest brothers are still driving it. My dad is an automotive engineer and my whole family is VERY INTO CARS and I am not, but I am glad that I had the experience of him teaching me how to drive stick and how to change a tire. I now live in a city and haven’t driven in years.

    24. sarah_jay +2

      I still have my first car! I got a year old Corolla at the end of my 1st year of college, and I’m still driving it 12 years later! The only problems I’ve had with it are other people hitting it when it’s parked, which has happened 3 times, twice when I was still in it. Apart from that, no issues.

    25. regularmegan +2

      My first car was a 84 Honda Accord which I inherited from my grandmother when she moved to “town” and couldn’t drive anymore. I totaled it while moving to university (a whole 70 kilometers away, on a drive I’d done hundreds of times).
      I have a 07 Jeep Compass now that I love and hate. So many problems and occasionally looks like a minivan, but after shopping around for a new car this summer, I realized that I want to keep it. It’s taken me across North America a few times.

      I love driving and feel constantly guilty over my love of driving! Especially commuting when I could probably take a bus. Ah life.

  5. Bunburying +13

    hello toast friends. this is a post about depression and isolation.

    I have been on anti-depressants for years and generally they work quite well to keep me level and functional and with a tolerably small number of side effects, and I count myself quite lucky for this. But every so often I forget a pill or the universe sneezes and I have a truly black day where I am crying in the shower and feeling like I’ve been stabbed in the heart with an icicle, like yesterday. My life is currently such that I am very socially isolated and have no friends living nearby. I was able to contact one friend over the internet to help me, but if they hadn’t been there, I don’t know what I would have done. (I would not have harmed myself; I just mean I was desperately suffering.) I do have a therapist that I can in theory contact outside of our scheduled appointments, but I have never done it, because interrupting her while she’s trying to have her own life would make me feel so guilty, and also cost me money that frankly I do not have. Yesterday is the closest I’ve come to actually doing it.

    I’m not sure exactly what I’m asking. I guess I want to know what you are supposed to do when you need the reassurance of other human beings that you care about and there simply aren’t any. My parents are, for various reasons, not an option here. I am just incredibly lonely and isolated and I feel like I can never fall because there is nobody to catch me. I need my friends, but they aren’t here, and there’s so damn few of them now. I don’t know what to do.

    1. laurenipsum +9

      Oh Bunburying, you should know that I was thinking of you this week, because I watched the Colin Firth/Rupert Everett The Importance of Being Earnest and suddenly understood your username! I know I am just an invisible internet person, but maybe it helps to know there *are* people out in the world thinking of you.

      You can always reach me at lauren at my username dot com if you want to chat. <3

      1. Bunburying +14

        Actually, as silly as it is, that does help a bit.

        To lose one friend may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose all of them looks like carelessness. lolsob

    2. geekcrackteam +4

      Relating to this so hard! I don’t know your story at all, but apparently this is a bit normal? (I know right, I’m super skeptical.). Like the being young and alone with no one to catch you, is a normal part of growing up?

      If it is, well fuck I was not prepared for being an adult (which is kind of the point I guess? Lack of emotional upbringing/support as a child). I don’t know if I’m depressed, but I’m definitely having a lot of bad days recently, and slipping back into a darker place that I’ve avoided for a long time. Also, I seem to have developed an anxiety disorder, so lots of fun.

      I’m no help, but yeah, just know that you’re not alone, there’s other people struggling with being completely alone in the world.

    3. perianwen +3

      Is there a crisis line you could call at those heavier moments? So you have someone you *know* will be listening to you?

      Would any of your friends be willing to gchat or PM on Facebook or something at a time when you felt isolated?

      (sorry if this is helpy; just trying to brainstorm a little. and thirding the above, if you feel like you want to reach out to Toasties I’m tindomiel at gmail)

      1. omggg +1

        The national suicide hotline can point you in the direction of your local crisis center! Just ask them for resources/ a crisis line in your area.

        Bunburying, I went through a very similar time this summer and relate to your post SO HARD. Most places have a 24-hour center for mental health emergencies. You can go there any time and it’s free. I went to my local one a few times and they were so compassionate and helpful. They will point you toward other resources for a longer-term solution, like pro-bono counseling. But you can also go back any time you have an emergency.

        I’ve also seen support groups for depression on meetup.com. There are a lot of people out there who feel the same way- not just online, but probably in your area.

    4. AddieJoy +15

      I am in a very similar situation with medication. So first, you aren’t alone, and second, those of us who are in the same boat are pulling for you.

      One of the things that helps me through the bad days is a letter a friend wrote me. He’s a very busy grad student currently living in another country, so he can’t always pick up the phone to talk me down. I asked him to write me an email telling me the things he would like to say when I am in a black pit. He did, I starred it in my gmail inbox, and now I go back and read it on my phone as a reminder that I am loved even if he isn’t here with me.

      If your friends who are far away have a reasonable timezone overlap, something that helps me is to just watch TV shows with people. We’ll get on a video chat client and start a Netflix episode of something at the same time. If we both wear headphones, then there’s no echo, and we can watch each other react and provide commentaty back and forth. It’s a good way to feel connected to people without having to necessarily talk about feelings and stuff.

      And finally, there is Toastie tumblr and twitter if you’re into those things–for Internet hugs and cat gifs and things.

      Speaking of, *hugs*

      1. ladyimogen +7

        If either of you (or any toastie) would like a physical letter in the mail from an internet friend who loves you, let me know- my email is faye . c . willard at gmail.com, without the spaces.

    5. testingwithfire +11

      Bunburying, you’re not alone. I often think and feel as you do. I’m pretty isolated too, at least the way most of the Western world sees it. And my thinking can really get me down.

      I don’t see my own social life changing any time soon, either. Your path may be different.

      Not all of us have the kind of social lives or connections with others that we’re conditioned to expect adults to have. It’s our evaluation that we SHOULD have said social lives, and the feeling that we’re losers if we don’t, that causes most of the pain in my experience, rather than the isolation itself. And oh, the experts will tell us that We Are Going To Die Young if we don’t have lives that look like theirs. Horse hockey.

      If my thinking isn’t strafing me like the Luftwaffe, I’m fine being alone. I work remote so that increases my alone time.

      I cope as follows:

      * Support group a few times a week where I chat with acquaintances
      * Therapist
      * One close confidante whom I don’t really socialize with but who gets me at a deep level
      * Zen Buddhist retreats and talks with a teacher there. I just went on a weekend retreat and it may well have been life-changing for the better. And I’ve never used the phrase “life-changing” before, just so you know 🙂
      * Daily Zen Buddhist practice (I follow the Korean Kwan Um school so I chant for a while, then sit zazen for 1/2 hour)
      * Mantra. Mine is in Korean and it essentially means “compassion.” Compassion for myself and for all beings. It really helps.
      * Online forums like the Toast, Metafilter, WFMU comment boards. Yep, those relationships are real even if you’ve never met the people in person.
      * Music, jams with acquaintances, and musical instrument practice. I have a teacher too.
      * Videoconferencing/hangouts with coworkers. This is pretty sporadic stuff for me but it does help.

      Keep posting here if you feel like it — I think this is a pretty great group of people.

      I’ll be thinking of you.

    6. jenavira +2

      I know that feeling so, so much and I wish I had better advice to offer. I do find that tumblr and twitter help, even if I can’t bring myself to reach out to anyone, just knowing people are out there sharing things with me can help. So does talking to my friends when I’m feeling better and letting them know I feel like this sometimes and finding out who I can text/dm/ask in the middle of the night to reassure me that I’m not a useless waste of space. (Sometimes it’s nice to do this through email, so that I have a written record that yes, it is okay to reach out when I need it, and they care even if they are not actually at their computer when I try.)

    7. KatPruska +3

      I wish I could say something helpful, apart from I hear you and I understand. I always feel like my normal needs are going to bother people, so I don’t reach out when I really need to, and then it just gets worse and snowballs. Hugs if you want them.

    8. Alli525 +5

      I am so sorry for how you’re feeling. I am fortunate to not struggle with mental illness, but I have experienced tremendous pain in my life, and they were the most isolating experiences of my life. In my city, I have many people that I call friends, but very few of them qualify as “close” friends that I would feel comfortable sharing what I call “deep heart” issues with, and my two best friends live 600 and 900 miles away. It took me a long time to realize that that’s just not enough, and I need to work as hard as I can at cultivating friendships with people in my city, so that I CAN get a hug/wine night/whatever when I need it. I’m fortunate that one of my oldest friends moved back recently, and even though we grew apart over distance and the years, we are growing back together now and it is incredible. I’ve also had to work on new friendships too, which is a different kind of work and a different kind of incredible.

      Your line about feeling guilty about reaching out to your therapist outside of your appointments really struck me. I totally get why you feel guilty! But a lot of therapists offer this, and I think most of them truly do mean it and want to help you if you need it.
      –Also on this note: I get the I-don’t-have-money-but-I-still-need-help thing. I was there with you for a long time, and my brother is still there. But I’m of the opinion that money can be paid back. If there’s a way to put it on a credit card with a low limit or take out a small loan for emergency funds… or maybe even working out a payment plan with your therapist!… do whatever it takes to get healthy, and worry about the money later. That’s what people with physical health issues do, and it shouldn’t be any different for mental health issues.

      The Toast is here for you… you’ve gotten so many wonderful words of love and support already, and many more I’m sure that don’t know exactly what to say but want you to be well. If there’s a local Toast-on-FB group where you live, and if it’s anything like mine, join! The love and warmth I feel from my NYC Toasties is miraculous, and I am so grateful for them.

      1. Bunburying +2

        You’re probably right about contacting my therapist–I have been seeing her for years and I know she would allow me to pay her on whatever schedule I needed, but there is something supremely disheartening about thinking “not only am I a mess, I am a mess that will cost $xhundred to clean up.” But it’s not what I would be thinking if I broke my leg. Or, I would still think it, but I would know that it simply had to be done somehow.

        But my next scheduled appointment is monday, so I am hoping I can just make it through the weekend and talk to her about it then. I think I can do it.

        1. gorebooth +1

          (Your username is wonderful.)
          You can also ask your therapist about the range of possibilities; some might not cost anything. Sometimes my therapist asks me to reach out by text or phone in a given week, and she doesn’t charge extra for that; it’s just a check-in, really.

        2. pretty_monster +3

          i would totes call a help line ASAP. just having someone to talk to and get all of my FEELINGSBARF out to really helps me process my doom and gloom. might as well spend 10 or 15 minutes on a phone with a compassionate human and see if it helps. you can still see your therapist on monday but no sense holding it together all alone until then if you don’t have to.

          *FEROCIOUS INTERNET HUGZZZZZZZZ*

    9. deleted7541601 +8

      I have relied on paid counselors in the past, because I felt like I didn’t want to overburden my friends when I had a bad episode. That has helped immensely. Don’t feel bad about calling your therapist if you’re having a terrible day! During my darkest moments I have sat in phone booths weeping and calling mine for support. Goodness knows I paid him/her enough.

      Just live through this day. Things will improve.

    10. Goomaly +3

      I don’t know if I can help, I’m just another stranger on the internet, but my email is dangerflakes at hotmail and I’m happy to share my phone number / skype with you as well.

      for distractions, I can sing, read tarot, and also maybe we can play go fish over skype? 😀

    11. AmyEntropy +1

      I’ve been there. You can call a crisis line, or your therapist – if you need him/her than you do. Are there support groups nearby for people with depression? If you want company you can message me. We’re here for you.

    12. mkmorrow +4

      I’m also a medicated depressed person. I tend to socially isolate myself when I’m having tough bouts with mental health (because I don’t want to dump my crap on my friends), and then I feel more sad and lonely, and then I get more isolated…..

      Things I try do when I’m feeling lonely and sad:
      -Post stupid cute stuff on Tumblr or Facebook, because even the little interaction of someone liking my dog picture or my knitting makes me feel a little less lonely
      -Remember to be nice to myself and do things I enjoy.
      -Make things (food, crafts, whatever)

      I don’t know you, but I am happy to be a person you can reach out to (happy OR sad or whatever). I am excellent at sending funny animals videos and thoughtful poems. I’m my user name at yahoo dot com.
      -Melinda

    13. RoseCamelia +4

      I’m with you. Lifelong recurring clinical depression, sometimes medicated. Parents and extended family too fucked up to be anything but harmful. Interstate moves every few years. Partner with communication handicaps who refuses the least communication effort. But he does love me. As long as it requires no effort.

      Goddamn, I know that icy stab in the heart and days long crying jags. And no one to reach out to. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. If you email me, I will give you my phone number: rmcd 1974 [at] hot mail [dot] com.

      Successful strategies for me (YMMV):
      1. Get direct sunlight on my retinas daily. Little dogs guarantee this.
      2. Exercise, even if it’s just a walk around the block or around the air conditioned mall.
      3. Protein intake twice a day, even if just a spoon of peanut butter or yogurt.
      4. A weekly meetup of some kind that I can make a habit. I found a group of progressive folk who play table games on Sunday mornings. I went often enough that it’s now easier to follow my Sunday morning habit than to deviate and skip the meetup. I get my ass out of bed by promising myself I can leave after 5 minutes at the venue.

      1. AmyEntropy +2

        Absolutely, get outside and go for a walk when you can. Exercise, sunshine and fresh air do so much good, at least for me.

    15. Heathered +1

      My browser kept crashing, so I’m late to join the scrum here and offer you an email ear or, as someone else did, a letter (to anyone who would like one). I’m hlsegg at hotmail, just put Toast something in the subject line. Thinking of you and hoping it gets better soon.

  6. darthcacti +19

    Has anybody else gone through a terrible, horrible, no good breakup this week? My gf of five years moved to Boston. I was gonna follow–I’d given notice at my job and apartment and joined the lovely Boston toastie group–only to learn Monday that she didn’t want me to follow her.

    As I will soon have no job and no house, anybody have suggestions on where to go? London? DC? Should I stay in LA? I’m trying to view this as an opportunity, which is working about as well as you’d think it would. :C

    1. houblonchouffe +26

      Oh my god. What a gut-punchingly awful thing. I’m so, so sorry to hear this.

      What took you to LA to begin with? I think that’s a decent enough place to start. If the things that brought you there are still part of your life and enjoyable and relevant, staying there is definitely an option! If there are places that offer many of the same things you sought in LA, but are a change of vibe/scenery/haunts/people/etc, now would be a great time to investigate those.

      But in all honesty, I think you should give yourself some time to sort out the “get outta town” feels from the “awful breakup” feels and see how much of those things overlap, too.

      1. eegghh +2

        I agree. Give yourself at least a month to handle this before you leave your friends, because it doesn’t matter where you are, you are going to need to grieve. A weekend sleep over or short trip up the coast (have you been to Lotus Land?) might be a good call next week.

    2. longlostlullaby +14

      That sucks super hard. I’m sorry.

      But if you can get your brain to think of it as an opportunity, you’ve got so many places you could go! If you’d already mentally made the break with LA, why not go for it and start over somewhere new? I don’t necessarily have any recommendations on places to move because it’ll all depend so much on your personal preferences, but no job, no house, and no partner sounds like as good a time as any to make a big move. Is therer anywhere you’ve ever daydreamed about living? Any good friends in cool cities that you’d be happy to be closer to? Anywhere you think your particular job skillset would be valued?

    4. iosognodisonno +5

      I’m sorry! Is there somewhere you like where you already have friends (or a good friend)? It always takes me a while to find my community somewhere, so if there’s an option that sounds good that includes having a close, supportive friend around from day one, I’d say give that priority.

    5. parlato1973 +13

      I’m sorry to hear this, and sorry your girlfriend kinda let you give notice at your job and home before she told you not to follow her.

      I’m an native Angeleno, so I usually say stay here. The reason in your case is, you might not want to uproot yourself just because of this breakup, though I can understand the temptation with nothing holding you here. The thing is though, you can talk to your job and your landlord and reverse the process, because making a big move to an unknown destination might take a lot more time than the one you had planned, maybe? I’d have the same questions as houblonchouffe, what brought you here and what are you looking for in a place to live?

      1. darthcacti +7

        I’m torn between leaving (too many memories, I don’t want to be in LA forever, I have already dismantled my life) and staying (excellent friends, my job might try to hire me back–there are nonprofit/funding stream problems) but I told people I would decide by Monday…

        Thanks for the internet hugs; I’m such a mess right now

    6. Social +13

      Wow. WOW. That is a downright dirty thing to do to someone! Letting you give notice at your job? And give up your apartment? Shame on her! I can’t believe she just let you tear up your life like that while she walks away scot-free. Not saying you should go all Gone Girl on her but I think a sharply-worded phone call or email letting her know that was a scumbag move is in order.

      If they haven’t filled your old position yet I’d ring up your former employer and explain the situation and try to get your job back. Same thing with the apartment. Call up your landlord and see if s/he’ll give you your place back. Since this all happened in a short period of time I would try to salvage as much as you can of your old life, which will give you time to process the breakup feels.

      (Of course, you may not want to stay in LA after everything that’s happened… I wouldn’t want to stay either. But this is just what I would do in your shoes. My main advice to you is you take care of yourself and do whatever feels best to you.)

      Strength to you.

    7. ladyimogen +7

      Oh, so brutal. If you decide not to stay in LA, is there a place you’ve always sort of dreamed of living, in a wish-upon-a-star type of way, that could be a possibility for you now? Is there a trip you’ve always wanted to take? Something you can do that has always been on your wishlist, that would be thrilling and empowering and encompassing to go do? Anything that you could now do freely, without having to consider anyone else’s feelings on the matter.
      I am a big constant cheerleader for solo travel, if that is an option for you. I am also a big constant cheerleader for financially irresponsible decisions, so grain of salt, etc.

    8. RoseCamelia +16

      I can provide temporary housing if you need it. I’m in Small Town, Texas, so not a contender for Where To Live Next. But please don’t live on the street. I’ll find a way to get you here and take care of you for a couple weeks. rmcd 1974 [at] hot mail [dot] com

    9. RuncibleSpoon +2

      Echoing a lot of other advice here, you may be best served sitting still for a minute to sort feelings. this doesn’t mean not making plans or starting to research alternates, but take the time to see if what you want to leave is LA or this situation.

      which is a rotten situation, sorry to hear it. as a near native Angeleno (19 years!), los angeles is a vibrant and interesting place but it is very much it’s own place. it is not Boston or London or DC. if you feel drawn to places that are a very different kind of city, it may be worth thinking next steps. breakups are rotten, but maybe in the right light can be freeing?

      internet hugs to you, and good luck

  7. ppyajunebug +24

    Continental Breakfast is the greatest sketch they have ever done. There are other than have made me laugh more, but none so perfectly constructed.

    It’s been a hell of a week Toasties, so I’m going to stick to posting Key and Peele gifs in this gif party. Unless any of you have ideas for writing HP headcanon fic, because I haven’t updated my fic blog in MONTHS.

        1. CleverManka +7

          I already used this one in a different comment thread, but it’s too perfect not to repeat again, here:

    3. rolotomassi5 +15

      I really wanted to find the one where they’re waddling around like The Penguin, but this one of the valets will have to do.

    1. winterbymorning +1

      I am, of course, down for this, especially since Mayfair + gelato was my suggestion 😀

      The Mayfair doesn’t usually schedule their movies more than a week or so in advance, but if there’s nothing good on we can always go to the Lansdowne cineplex and enjoy some ~mainstream~ Hollywood movies.

        1. winterbymorning +1

          There’s also a nice Vietnamese place down the street from the theatre, if we want to expand to dinner.

    2. bucklemeswash +1

      Yes please! I would love to! The thought of meeting strangers is making me want to hide under my desk, but I’ll just get that over with now.

      1. winterbymorning +1

        If it makes you feel better, the movie part at least would involve no talking or eye contact!

        1. bucklemeswash +1

          I actually do like both talking and eye contact, once I can bring myself to do them! I’ll be fine, don’t worry! I will talk and make eye contact, unless you would prefer otherwise.

        1. bucklemeswash +1

          Oh no! I can’t make it after all, unless it’s in the daytime rather than evening. I’m seeing The Barber of Seville at the NAC that night. Any other Toasties at the NAC that night? Maybe we could get a drink or something?

    3. britta_unfiltered

      I’d love to join but am camping that weekend, would anyone be interested in something else later in the fall?

  9. fenixdawn +15

    Aravisthequeen are you here?!!? I have read Taking Charge of Your Fertility and I AM HERE TO DISCUSS.

      1. fenixdawn +8

        WHERE DO I START!??!?!

        ok! First off. I LOVE the idea of possessing knowledge of our own bodies. And that to do so, we don’t necessarily have to be all… Rah Rah woman moon cycle, let’s embrace the life giving blood pouring out of us (though, if that works for people, swell). But rather, it is a right and privilege to just pay attention to what is happening IN OUR OWN BODIES and possess that knowledge. That. Is. Awesome.

        Related–being able to talk about/normalize/demystify the cycle? YES.

        I loved one of her first examples about how she went to the doctor, concerned that she had an infection, and finally, eventually realized it was normal. THAT ABSOLUTELY HAPPENED TO ME IN MY EARLY 20S. I had no idea that cervical fluid (YES, PLEASE LET’S CALL IT FLUID, NOT MUCUS) was a normal thing that would come out of my body, so I thought I had an infection, and went to the doctor convinced something was wrong. I’m almost embarrassed in hindsight for myself, but how the hell was I supposed to know something like that???

        I have more to say, but I will post this to get some thoughts out there, then post again!

        1. tenyaluna +2

          Like 50% of my gyn practice was saying “it is normal to have some fluid. It is super super normal. It would be majorly uncomfortable down there if there was no fluid. There is no infection. Please don’t try to use anything to make yourself completely dry there, it will not go pleasantly.” You are most definitely not alone!

      2. bucklemeswash +3

        Replying so I can get alerts on this thread because I have also read this book and have THOUGHTS.

      3. fenixdawn +12

        So growing up, I (along with so many women) was pretty much constantly terrified about getting pregnant, as I assumed that I could basically get pregnant ANYTIME if so much as a drop of sperm came anywhere near me. Now, while that is ” technically * true (in the sense that if you aren’t tracking your cycle, you won’t know when you are fertile or not and God knows that my young self would have had nothing like the responsibility/follow-through to accurately track my young irregular periods) it is an enormous disservice to teach young women this totally erroneous belief that we are big old fertility sacks all the time. Because then, basically, I learnt to fear my body’s apparent ability to always be able to get pregnant (which at that time was of course terrifying).

        I really liked how she talked about women’s fertility of a combination of male + female fertility, in that women are only fertile for a brief window, and the larger fertility window is due to the life of men’s sperm. So the end result is a that larger conception window. I’m sure that we (waves hand at amorphous society) are terrified of putting real knowledge in the hands of teenage girls, for fear that they will be like…oh, its cool, probably not fertile today, let me go have a pile of sex! But how wonderful to have had this information at my disposal all my life, so I could make educated decisions about the right birth control for me, at various stages in my life, based on the real functions of my body rather than the fear mongering of YOU CAN GET PREGNANT ANYTIME, WATCH OUT FOR SPERM.

        1. fenixdawn +14

          So perhaps one of my biggest takeaways from the book then, was the reframing of one’s relationship with one’s female body as something that can be known and understood, rather than something shrouded in fear and mystery.

          1. GreenGrasses +10

            Dude I ain’t even tryin’ to get pregnant but your discussion makes me want to READ THE HELL OUTTA THIS BOOK.

          3. fenixdawn +4

            Yes! It is really just a great general reference book to understand basic female body stuff, regardless of whether you are trying to get pregnant, not trying to get pregnant, or resides in a body that changes cyclically.

          4. Lady_Honoria +1

            I am loving this discussion!

            My life got radically better when I realised that I have wicked hormones when I ovulate, I feel super anxious and needy (basically I feel a diluted version of how I felt through puberty and it is TERRIBLE). But everyone goes on about hormones at menstruation, like that’s the only time hormones are doing things. Frankly, I have a pretty non-intrusive period but my ovulation is AWFUL and I wish I’d realised that sooner. I wish I’d been equipped with the knowledge and permission to learn about my own body.

          5. Lady_Honoria +1

            AND I SHOULD NOTE that my mother used the Billings method, apparently with complete success because she tells me it’s the only birth control she’s ever used and she only had two, planned, pregnancies. But I was totally unaware of any of this as a kid, despite growing up in a hippie house where we talked about the biology of things.

        2. aravisthequeen +9

          I absolutely love and agree with all of this. For such a long time I was aware of discharge in the sense that I read books as a teenager that said “you may notice discharge and this is normal” and I had a vague idea that it was somehow connected to my cycle? But to learn that it is an actual trackable thing makes it so much more normal and less “ew” because it’s reliable and normal. Learning that there are specifics about your cycle that were never even hinted at in ANY other book I’ve read makes it feel like I’m part of a secret club where we Know Shit.

          I get that teenagers might not have the reliability to track and note, but I would love to see classes that at least broach the topic that “your body goes through a specific cycle with trackable changes” rather than a blanket idea that DANGER DANGER ALWAYS FERTILITY DANGER.

          On top of that it’s very frustrating as a person who is trying to get pregnant to try to unlearn 12+ years of fearful teaching that you could get pregnant by touching The Dreaded Sperms and I wish for better sex ed all around.

          1. fenixdawn +14

            YES. And why the hell do we have to call it discharge??? and MUCUS. I think somewhere she mentioned how weird it would seem if we called liquid that came out of a penis by those sorts of words? Imagine Penis Discharge or Penis Mucus (although totally metal band names). We need some new damn words for the stuff that naturally comes out of our body every month.

            That is exactly it! Yeah, sure, there are a million reasons that tracking changes wouldn’t work for teens, but to not give them that information is just downright dishonest. And doesn’t serve anybody well in the long run.

            Full disclosure–am also trying to get pregnant, and has not been working for awhile. So I definitely get that. It is like pulling back some curtain, and after years of fear and horror of sperm monsters, SURPRISE, you find out that now that you need them to work, it is so much harder than you have ever been led to believe.

            Also, have you seen this Onion bit? It is PERFECT. http://www.theonion.com/article/woman-transitions…

          2. aravisthequeen +2

            Oh god, yes. It’s incredibly frustrating and I also work with two women with young infants AND one of whom just got pregnant on the drop of a hat and they keep needling me all “Oh, you’re next!” and telling me “When is [aravisthequeen’s husband] going to knock you up?” and “You’ll understand when you have your own!” and I swear to you the next time they say ONE THING like that I’m going to knock somebody into next week.

            But that aside, my point remains that I get that this method wouldn’t work for everyone (teenagers, people who work odd/irregular shifts, people who travel A LOT, people who just plain don’t want to invest the time, etc.) but the fact that these changes are normal and trackable is never even presented to teens is AWFUL. In my tenth-grade health class we got the diagram of “the hormonal cycle” but we were taught that women ovulate on the 14th day of their cycle, there are hormones involved, forget immediately. And what’s worse, there is no place for women to PICK UP this knowledge after health class. It’s not like sex where you figure it out through trial and error and good sex and bad sex, but the women’s cycle is presented as this totally arcane mystery. EVEN ON INFERTILITY SITES, which is totally baffling to me, you see women fretting because they believe–and no one has ever told them differently–that all women ovulate on the 14th day of a 28-day cycle, EVEN WHEN THAT IS NOT TRUE IN THEIR OWN SPECIFIC CASE. I don’t get it. I want to fund a campaign to teach this shit to EVERYONE. Men and women alike. See, dudes, women’s bodies are not The Unknowable Universe–they have logic and rules to them YES THEY DO.

          3. Lady_Honoria +1

            Oh my god this is blowing my mind because I have clearly worked out that I ovulate (or at least have the hormones etc I associate with that) about 6 days after my period is done, and I was feeling weird about it – because I’m trying to switch to Clue to track my period but what I really want is an ovulation tracker because I need a ‘heads up, you’re about to get super anxious’ and it’s like a week out.

            Also, I want to shake those people for you. HONESTLY. I get so mad at those things where people comment on stuff just to make noise and this is why – it feels innocuous except to the people it’s inadvertently hurting.

            I hope you both get everything you want soon, both baby wise and otherwise. <3

    2. longlostlullaby +5

      I was reading that too! But I only got maybe a third of the way through before the digital gods recalled it to the library, because I was on vacation and more interested in Agatha Christie than my fertility.

      1. fenixdawn +2

        Totally fair (as it happens, I have an epic Agatha Christie collection that I am inordinately fond of. A whole bookcase full!). I did find that the first third has most of the good stuff, particularly because as it gets more into the nitty gritty of keeping records, I was like…Yeahhhh, I’ve got an app for that. So with the first third, you definitely get the gist.

      2. Thujaplicata +9

        I checked it out from the library last weekend, but haven’t quite gotten to reading it yet (a book about the Icelandic volcano Laki and a cookbook called “Will it Waffle?” kind of took over my reading time).

          1. Thujaplicata +6

            It’s a really fun book. I’ve tried two of the recipes so far (waffled quesadilla and waffled chicken parmesan) and they both turned out quite well. I’m really looking forward to trying waffled chocolate chip cookies though, that just sounds like tons of fun.

          2. Bothari +5

            Just FYI, brownie mix does NOT waffle. Well, I guess it depends on what sort of texture you like, brownie-wise. It turns them into crispy little brownie chips. Good on ice cream, but not what I wanted out of a brownie!

    3. IHaveBangsNow +3

      I read this about 12 yrs ago and can echo what everyone is saying, it is just amazing to actually learn about what is happening. Everything felt much less baffling. Annnnnd, I got pregnant with my now 11 yr old very quickly once I understood what was happening! Yay for knowledge!

  10. winterbymorning +61

    Overheard at work in the past couple of weeks:

    – “There’s clothes coming off, there’s diapers coming off, it doesn’t matter.”

    – “I’m more scared of eggs than of spiders.”

    – Coworker telling the story of Theseus and the Minotaur: “As soon as he makes it out of the labyrinth, he meets up with his dad, who’s like this crazy engineer, and he flies too close to the sun and he dies. It’s because it’s a Greek tragic.” (Other coworker, impressed: “You know so many old stories! You’re really smart.”)

    – Same coworker as above, on the Ancient Greek statues at the Museum of History: “They’re so unrealistic. No man could really have muscles like that.”

    – “If you just do oral sex on guys, that’s not as bad.”

    – Angrily: “Are you joking?! I don’t stick anything up my nose except my fingers.”

    – “Would you prefer to have an extra arm or an extra leg?” (As far as I know, no consensus was reached on this topic.)

      1. rubeseatsinfo +15

        yeah the only situation an extra leg is good for is setting yourself up like a tripod and that probably burns like wall sits eventually

      2. winterbymorning +25

        I would also go for the extra arm. The only benefit of an extra leg I can think of is that you would have more stability in a fight – you could stand on two legs and kick people with the third instead of having to balance precariously on a single leg. But an extra arm would also be handy (hehe) in a fight, plus in many other aspects of life.

        1. Lady_Honoria +2

          OK but where is the arm and is it useable or not?

          Like, I don’t really want an arm that comes out of my butt like a tail. Or….. DO I? Wait maybe now I do…

      3. Steph +7

        Obviously! What use is an extra leg? I have no need to run a three-legged race on my own, but there’s tons of times when having an extra hand would be useful.

    2. Eris +33

      Yesterday one of my coworkers got half-seriously upset because she walked by a group of about 3 people while walking like a monkey, and nobody noticed. Everyone decided they would’ve noticed if she’d also made monkey noises.

      1. winterbymorning +22

        I misread that as walking WITH a monkey and I was wondering where you work that a monkey would arouse no comment.

      2. jimmyjimjimjim +5

        It only counts as sex to God if it’s p in v. Hence saddlebacking. Therefore no matter how much anal or oral sex you have you’re fine (although for some reason I suspect this would be a hard sell when it comes to extramarital sex)

    4. beachlass +33

      Seen while biking to work on the trails this week:

      – a man skateboarding while carrying a hamster ball with resident hamster
      – a car driving off the road, across the grass and down the bike trail
      – a segway scooter
      – deer

      1. Unreadaethel +30

        I saw a woman riding a unicycle. The unicycle had handlebars. The woman was in full bike getup, and clearly took the whole thing very seriously. Which was weird, because I’ve only ever seen unicycles ridden by dudes in skinny jeans.

        1. beachlass +25

          I am bewildered by the prospect of riding a unicycle seriously. I guess my unicycle prejudice is showing.

        2. MoniqueAC +8

          Several times now I have seen an older (maybe late 50s) man who is learning to ride a unicycle. He rides it on a path that is a bit out of the way (I run along it for that reason). He wears elbow pads and such (which is probably a good idea).

      2. winterbymorning +44

        I saw some Dirtbag Teens (TM) skateboarding off the railing of the front steps of the Supreme Court! One of them wiped out spectacularly. Justice truly triumphed that day.

      4. lemontx +45

        I once watched a man being pulled on a skateboard by a VERY ENERGETIC AND FAST fox terrier. He passed me 3x as I walked to work, eventually shrugging at me like “welp, this is the only way I can tire him out”. Made my day.

        1. Lady_Honoria +2

          There is a guy near where I live who regularly takes his Boston Terrier for a walk and lets it pull him on his skateboard along the esplanade. It’s the best.

      5. theowlofderision +5

        I cycle to work and regularly pass a dude in full lycra/hi-vis cycle gear atop a unicycle.

        Other things I have passed while cycling include: a Cinderella-style glass-pumpkin coach and horses; fashionable anti-Semite John Galliano walking his dog (twice); a full seance conducted outside Amy Winehouse’s house (I live in London).

    6. Merripat +26

      Please tell me the person who “knows so many old stories” is also the person with the SPQR tattoo.

      (I do love your work stories.)

      1. winterbymorning +14

        Yes! He’s actually leaving us for a whole year for a secondment. I will miss him and the amusement he brought me.

      2. Currer_Belle +9

        Oh God I dated someone with an SPQR tattoo. Uggggggggh what an insufferable man. But if I had dated someone who didn’t know the difference between Theseus and Icarus, I think I would have been more upset.

    7. Girl Named Jack +58

      Thescarus is, like, my favorite Greek tragic. It, like, speaks to me on all these levels, you know?

    8. viviennestreet +48

      I have a coworker who says crazy things. From this week:

      Him: i ate a bunch [of mushrooms] at a party a few weeks before i joined the marines
      Him: thank god they don’t drug test for those
      Him: anyways
      Him: i wound up at the Perkins pankake house at like 130 on a saturday afternoon in may
      Him: and like seven hours later i received a bill for like $230
      Him: i just kept ordering pankakes and they kept serving me!
      Me: what
      Him: yeah
      Him: i was there eating pankakes on the saturday of memorial day weekend for like 8 hrs
      Him: that’s what drugs do to you
      Him: they impair your judgment

      2. ofTrebond +11

        But, like, did he eat all of those pancakes? Or did he just keep ordering more? How many pancakes were left on the table at the end?

        I can’t decide if it’s more amazing if he actually consumed $230 worth of pancakes, or if he just sat there with partially eaten plates of pancakes piled around him ordering more and more.

        1. viviennestreet +11

          I don’t know! Everything this guy says needs to be taken with an entire shaker of salt. One time he tried to fake peer pressure me into reading Churchill’s A History of the English-Speaking Peoples.

          2. viviennestreet +10

            More convoluted. The fake peer pressure thing was his third try.

            First day
            Him: Read this book, it’s about linguistics, you like linguistics
            Me: It’s about the people who speak the language, not language itself. No.

            Second day
            Him: Read this book, it’s about history, you like history
            Me: Uhh no I don’t read history books and if I did I’d pick something other than English history

            Third day
            Him: Hey Eric* wants to read this book after I’m done with it
            Me: Good for Eric
            Him: But he says you can read it first
            Me: No, just give it to Eric
            Him: Eric really wants you to read it first

            I texted Eric and asked him is he actually wanted to read this guy’s stupid book, at which point I found out he had no idea what I was talking about.

            *Eric is one of my actual work friends. We’ve played D&D together.

    10. Räven +10

      I am also kind of terrified of eggs, honestly. The only spiders scarier than eggs are spiders who live in far more exotic climates than my own, climates whose spider lairs I’m unlikely to visit.

  11. slowseptember +15

    Bostonians! If you would care to meet the Fellow and myself, Canadians of some Twitter nonsense, please meet us at Cambridge’s Beat Brasserie at 7:00 on Tuesday!

    Also, I believe there will be brunch on Saturday, but please speak to robot_dinosaur about this.

    Also, we are going to various museums and such; if you would like to know our itinerary/meet up with us in an evening, etc. please let me know on twitter! @slowseptember

    1. beachlass +6

      The 4 Stages of Living in Ontario

      1. Excitement!
      2. Google
      3. You don’t mean ____________, Ontario (in this case, Cambridge)
      4. Sadface

  12. Eris +29

    GUYS I GOT FLOOR SEATS TO SEE FLORENCE + THE MACHINE IN OCTOBER I CANNOT HANDLE IT.

    And I’m seeing Marina and the Diamonds the actual day before FATM, so Sunday I’m gonna sleep all frickin day but I am SO EXCITED.

    So, my fellow toasts, share with me your enthusiasm and anticipation! Going to see a show? A movie? Sit in your pajamas and do nothing because that’s *exactly* what you want to do? What are you guys looking forward to?

    1. Thujaplicata +3

      Mr. Thuja comes back from Florida today (he’s been gone all week) so there will be cuddles and smooches and someone else to help clean the damn house this weekend! So happy!

    3. CleverManka +9

      I paid an inordinate amount of money for floor seats at the Joan Jett concert in December and the Burgomaster and I just got our tix for the November Puscifer show.

    4. hawthorn_tree +6

      I’m going to a Delta Rae show in October! The perfect time of year for songs about being a vengeful ghost! (There’s no BAD time for songs about being a vengeful ghost.)

    5. jenavira +5

      AWESOME.

      I am going to see Madison Ballet’s steampunk Dracula for the second time this October, and I am stoked. Not least because it’s also the same weekend that Crimson Peak premieres, so it’ll be a full-on Halloween-themed weekend for me and all my friends. We may splurge and also go to the corn maze, just because.

    6. testingwithfire +5

      In two weeks, I should be moving up the Massachusetts coast to a beautiful loft apartment. It’s in a converted coat factory (!) – thick walls, super high ceilings, really decent kitchen, 2 bed/bathrooms, 2nd floor (elevator). I have not lived in a building with an elevator in nearly 30 years: I tend to take the stairs but I’ll be really psyched to have that elevator if I have heavy stuff to carry.

    7. houblonchouffe +7

      I am looking forward to Sept 28 because on Sept 28 I will wake up in a nifty loft apartment with my HUSBAND and we will get some breakfast and meander back home and sleep and enjoy being MARRIED TO EACH OTHER OMG

    8. VaguelyDownward +2

      I am going to see Frank Turner in a couple of weeks and I’m SO EXCITED. I’m even kind of glad that none of my friends wanted to go because then I can be as embarrassingly enthusiastic as I damn well please.

  13. winterbymorning +23

    I am excited because this weekend I get to see my Tiny Nephew! My parents are flying in from Zurich tomorrow and staying with my brother and SIL, and we’re driving down on Sunday for a mini family reunion. obviously I am also excited to see my parents, but… tiny nephew! He’s 7 months old and still hasn’t quite figured out what all his limbs are for, but he is very pudgy and sweet. I predict my mom and I will spend most of Sunday arguing over who gets to hold him.

    2. Ethylbenzene +6

      I am childfree-by-choice and generally have a difficult time interacting with children, but OH MY GOD I LOVE BABIES SO MUCH. SMELL HIS HEAD FOR ME OK?

    3. RoseCamelia +4

      I’m having fun picturing you with your nephew 17 years from now. You’ll still refer to him affectionately as Tiny Nephew. He will tolerate it with returned affection as he looks down at the top of your head, one long arm around you, his big hand easily covering your entire shoulder. Tiny Nephew. I like it.

  15. daisymerolling +29

    hey toasties
    It’s been a fun week for Daisy between the horrible menses and the losing contact with all males.
    I’m doing better, Im going swing dancing tonight in my new Lindy Bop dress that Im in love with. Yesterday two of my friends kidnapped me and tied my wrists together with paperclips because of the “homosexual agenda” or some nonsense, so that was fun. My roomie and I went to their room and it was a scene straight out of a 40s paperback set at a women’s college: we played truth or dare, braided each other’s hair, and compared our bosoms. I feel like I can graduate now.
    Intro to Queer Studies is still making me rethink everything I knew about sexuality. The readings are doing a number on me though. In my expert opinion, Foucault needs to Fouc off.
    A HUGE GIANT THANK YOU to everyone who helped me out on Wednesday. The dude is out of my life and I don’t miss him that much. I do miss boys though. mm. boys.

    1. Thujaplicata +6

      I feel that it is completely true that comparing bosoms with roommates or friends is a definite prerequisite for graduating. Although I’m still slightly scarred by my roommate commenting that I had a peasant bosom…

      1. daisymerolling +8

        Im scarred by my friends blowing up condoms like balloons.
        TRUE FACT: first time Ive ever seen a condom.

    3. Either_Ada +7

      Michel Foucault is very willing to Fouc off. Too willing.

      I’m so glad to hear you’re doing better!

      1. daisymerolling +7

        I googled “Foucault memes” and I highly recommend it to anyone sad who likes disciplines and stuff.

  16. longlostlullaby +22

    Hello Toast! Two weeks ago it was my birthday and I wore a pink puffy ballerina skirt and ate chocolate cake, homemade by me. Last week I went to Florence (with an overnight trip to Cinque Terre) and I ate all of the cheese my friend could ask for in her elementary Italian. This week I went back to work, and Monday I have to go to the embassy to get more pages added to my passport for my new visa even though the visa’s only for three months and I’ll have to renew the passport soon anyway. But I don’t have time to renew it before the current visa expires, so new pages for $82 it is. Needless to say, this week is not as exciting as the last two.

    What’s everyone reading right now, if someone hasn’t already asked by the time this posts? I’m reading Voracious by Cara Nicoletti. I don’t know if I’ll actually make any of the recipes, but I’m enjoying the stories.

    1. aqueousmedium +4

      I’m reading the new Max Gladstone, Last First Snow. I love the way he intermingles theology, financial systems, and urban planning; Elayne Kevarian is a main character in this one and Caleb Temoc from Two Serpents Rise is featured as a tiny card-playing boy. This book is first in the Craft Sequence, chronologically speaking, and I think I need to do a re-read now.

    2. ppyajunebug +9

      I’m re-reading the Chrestomanci books and UGGGGH I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Charmed Life changed my life and it still holds up and god do I miss DWJ.

      1. actualmeg +2

        I didn’t read the Chrestomanci books until I was an adult, and then I was like “HOW DID I MISS THESE FOR SO LONG??”

      2. pairofbuttons +4

        I worked at a bookstore 100 years ago in another life and I used to press these on people with a wild gleam in my eye all the time. This was mid Harry Potter so it worked pretty well. And I hoped it would lead to readers discovering her other books! I was very selfless in my youth I guess.

    3. celery +5

      I’ve just started Parable of the Sower, thanks to whichever Toastie recommended that as a good place to start with Octavia Butler (I read the first Lilith’s Brood book years ago and have always been meaning to read more of her work).

      So envious of the trip to Florence and Cinque Terre! What were your favorite things?

      1. longlostlullaby +1

        I live in Russia right now, so my favorite things were basically all food (Russia does not have good cheese/Italian food). We ate gelato every day except one, but we ate it twice in a day two other times, so we made up for it. I really liked the Mercato Centrale (more food). In Cinque Terre, my favorite parts were watching the sun set in Manarola and going to the beach.

        1. celery

          That sounds like the best trip (making sure that I had gelato at least once a day was my #1 priority when I went)

    4. jenavira +2

      I’m still working through my Tiffany Aching reread, but this week I read an awful lot of books by dead white men: The Stranger, The Prince, a collection of Richard Matheson stories. (I was largely underwhelmed.) Next up is a collection of Irish poetry and a bunch of Doctor Who novels.

    5. femaelstrom +2

      In typical fashion, I’m in the middle of like three books and may never finish any of them. Right now it’s:

      The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression
      Snow Crash
      Lolita

    6. ayelltee +2

      Just finished Ta-Nehisi Coates’ “Between the World and Me” and am still angry, sad and aching about that book. I’m a big library user and only buy what I want to re-read and/or loan out to others, and I’m buying this one.

      For a change of pace, I’m halfway through Doris Lessing’s “The Good Terrorist”.

    8. actualmeg +2

      I am halfway through “Between the World and Me,” am re-reading “I Capture the Castle” as a de-stress comfort read. At any given moment, I am midway through two or three nonfiction criminal-justice-related books–in this case it’s “Queer (In)justice: The Criminalization of LGBT People in the United States” and Radley Balko’s “Rise of the Warrior Cop.”

    9. Thujaplicata +1

      I’m reading Island on Fire about the 1783 eruption of Laki in Iceland and how it affected Iceland and the rest of the world. It’s pretty fascinating.

  17. jaeferous +13

    Toasty librarians! I have an interview next week with a panel of librarians at my dream library. I could use some advice – like, best questions to ask? Questions to be prepared for? Anything else I should know/do/say? – as well as good vibes because I am so, so nervous, and maybe good stories or horror stories about working in a public library. Anything you got, really!

    1. jenavira +4

      Ask about their relationship with the city/board/governing body. If there’s crazy shenanigans going on you’ll be forewarned, plus it makes you look savvy. Be prepared with a story about how you handled a difficult patron.

      I wrote this post about working in a library a few weeks ago, which is by far the most popular thing I have ever done on tumblr, but it is everything you need to know about public library work for sure.

    2. saraallain +4

      I like to ask about how they see your position meeting their strategic goals. A standard question is also about professional development opportunities.

    3. larocquen +2

      Hooray for job interviews!

      Here are some that I have asked at every job interview I’ve gone to and am always shocked that they give me a sort of “wow. No one has ever asked us that before”- type look.

      The makeup of the city/neighborhood the library serves. I’ve worked in several fairly white/middle-upper class public libraries and asking something along the lines of “what other ethnic groups are represented in this area? For example, is there a large Polish festival in town or is there an active Serbian community?” sometimes gives managers/directors pause. Doing good work for your patrons really hinges on knowing your community (and if they have any sort of local history collection, this is HUGE).

      Related to this, ask about their outreach. If you can make it plain that representing the library OUTSIDE the confines of the physical building is important, they will usually smile upon that because thruth.

      That’s really all I’ve got unless you’ve got a specialty that’s connected with this (i.e. YA librarian, technology librarian whathaveyou).

      Also, tooting my own horn here but.. .http://the-toast.net/2015/09/18/questions-your-local-librarian-will-not-be-answering-for-you/

  18. queenofbithynia +67

    DOES EVERYBODY KNOW ABOUT PLAYING WHALE SONGS FOR YOUR CAT

    here’s how you do it: go to a page with a bunch of whale songs. play them for your cat. the blue whale songs sound like purring and the humpback whales sound like giant sea cats. your cat will never be the same. never be satisfied with its life again. it is like when your cat hears a strange free cat roaming outside and all of its nerves are stimulated at once, but much more so. it will be your cat’s first encounter with the numinous. unless you have played it whale songs before.

    not only that but I averaged four to five hours of sleep a night for the last three weeks and it was just the push I needed to send an incoherent pitch to a certain website. you can’t feel nervous about things like that when you have the sleepy delerium, it’s a time for bold and stupid actions of all types

    2. SwitchingGenres +9

      I need to try this. Along with filling a balloon with water, freezing it, un-rubbering it, and putting it in a large water bowl for the cats.

      1. Es_Petal +3

        I did that but made the ice cube in an ice cream tub. Saffron licked it for a bit, Captain poked it with his foot once and said it was too cold.

    3. queenofbithynia +8

      and also you probably know about this already, everybody probably does, even I knew about it before but I had forgotten because my mind rejects certain types of sad information after 24 hours because if it retains them I I will drown in an infinitely deep well of whale sadness. but if you feel unbalanced in the other way and need more sadness electrolytes to keep from fainting, please go look up the loneliest whale in the world, the 52-hertz whale. I will only remember about the lonely whale for another 10 hours or so and then it will be ejected from my consciousness for my own safety, so I have to tell everyone now.

      2. 1sic1 +17

        Hey, maybe that whale enjoys solitude.
        And it’s singing
        “It’s No Pants Friday!
        Tomorrow’s No Pants Saturday!
        ‘Cause I get to live allll alone
        In the deep blue sea!”

        I mean, that’s what I’d do.

        1. Lady_Honoria +1

          What sadist told that whale about pants in the first place???

          I found out on the weekend that whale songs have been getting progressively lower in frequency since they started being recorded in the 60s. The theory is that basically all the other frequencies are full of junk from our tech, so they’re trying to find a clear channel. So maybe this whale is just a traditionalist?

          EDIT: This article debunks me (there’s more noise at low frequency, not less) and maybe makes the whale less sad? http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20150415-the-lonel…

    4. Thujaplicata +5

      I need to experiment with playing whale songs for my two cats as soon as I get home from work today.

    5. robotneedslove +8

      whaaat.

      I play lynxes talking to each for my cat, which agitates him a lot. Trying whale songs next for sure.

      1. catoclock +15

        I have a bird identification app that lets you listen to samples of bird calls, which my cat haaaaaates (this is also how I learned that cat paws can operate touch screens).

    7. BestLaidPlans +14

      I will be doing this tomorrow morning.

      However, I have played them internet videos of birds and squirrels and other woodland creatures and our black cat bats at the screen, then runs around to the back of the tablet to see if he can catch them. Poor kitty.

      2. breakfast +5

        My cat and I watch ravens solving puzzles together. Ravens are smart enough to put steps together to solve a problem and my cat is not smart enough to know the difference between a moving image and a living bird.

      3. saffiedarling +7

        When one of my kitties was a baby kitty he used to try to catch the soccer players on our TV. I’f the player he was batting at ran off the screen, baby kitty would run around to the back of the TV looking for him.

    9. Alli525 +11

      So, back when I had a roommate who had a cat … I was sitting on my bed, dicking around on Pottermore one night when my roommate was out, and discovered that the Platform 9-3/4 page early on in the storyline has an image of a cat that makes EXTREMELY convincing cat noises when you mouse (haha) over it. I played it ONCE and all of a sudden Cal comes streaking into my room and investigating under my bed, where he was 100% convinced that I was hiding his new best friend. This went on for at least half an hour, and he never figured it out. The next day I showed my roommate, and he fell for it again. Every time. So great.

      1. Es_Petal +3

        Saffron looked at me as if wondering why I had summoned her to the laptop, then squeaked a bit, asked for a cuddle and rubbed her face on the laptop corner. Which she does all the time.

  19. geekcrackteam +2

    Toast Video Producers, how did you end up in your job?

    I’m starting to think I want to be a video producer in a production company (not a film company), you know doing ads and corporate videos and stuff. We work with them a fair bit so I already have an idea of the job, but I have no idea how to get started! All the job listings I see ask for editing/self shooting experience, which I don’t have, even for Assistant producer positions.

    I can’t go down the internship or freelance route, so I’m looking to go into an AP position. I already have project management experience, and I don’t think I’d find it that hard to pick up all the other stuff (I’ve managed to pick up photoshop and web related stuff pretty easy). I want to be the one organizing the shoots and going out on location and finding the stupid things that one needs for film shoots. I’m also thinking that I might as well do the stupid hours, travelling etc while I’m still young/unattached, since in a few years I won’t want to work like that and will want a sit-behind-the-same-desk-every-day job (which I have at the moment and its killing me!)

    So how do I convince a production company to give me a full time AP job?

    1. robindavisdesign +1

      If you’ve worked with production companies before, is there anyone at any of those companies who you could contact and get career advice and possibly work from? This has worked for friends of mine trying to break into graphic design and looking to pick up freelance work, but I’m not sure if it’s the same in your field.

      1. geekcrackteam +1

        There’s one person that I worked with recently who I got on with well, I did mention that I want to be a producer to her, and she seemed to think it’s a good idea (she didn’t laugh at least). I didn’t have a chance to really talk about it then, but I’m trying to organize coffee or something and work up some courage to ask for a jobhelp.

        The problem with picking up freelance stuff is that I already work full time, and film shoots tend to be pretty intensive, so I don’t think I’d be able for that as well (I can only do one job at a time!). I am taking advantage of it being quiet at work to learn more about editing and graphic design and things, but I struggle to come up with things to do. And I know I’d be able to pick up the skills of I just had to do it for work!

        Thanks anyway, at least I know I’m not mad for reaching out to people!

        1. robindavisdesign +1

          Ah, yeah, that’s what I figured re:freelance. The one time I was involved with a film shoot I was so sore from being on my feet all day running around (I’m a distance hiker so I don’t say that lightly) and I can’t even imagine doing that all the time, let alone scheduling it around another job. Yeek.

          Definitely meet up with her! At the very least, everyone loves to talk shop about their job to someone who wants to listen, so even if she doesn’t have any current opportunities for you, she probably has great advice about who to talk to or what to learn.

  20. threatqualitypress +14

    Friends, tomorrow in Philadelphia is the Mid-Autumn Festival, also called the Moon Festival!* There will be festivities, and also mooncake. I am bound by obligation to participate, so if you see someone doing Lion Dance and maybe also bungling a kung fu saber form that he shamefully hasn’t practiced in weeks, that is probably me! Hi!

    *IN FACT, the actual Mid-Autumn Festival is NEXT weekend, but in Philadelphia we had to move it up to accommodate the impending Pope-pocalypse. So far as I know, none of the ethnic Chinese or Vietnamese people who live in Philadelphia have formally complained about this, though I got to wonder if our local Catholic population would be as sanguine if we moved Easter to accommodate a visit from the Dalai Lama.**

    **I am aware that the Dalai Lama is Tibetan; I’m just using him as an example of a non-Western religious figure with a major global following, and I got to admit that I don’t know of any from China or Vietnam.

      1. threatqualitypress +2

        Well, there is going to be a parade with a dragon, usually there’s a stage set up on 10th and Arch with, like, local custom stuff happening — kung fu demonstrations and people sing and &c.  A lot of people sell moon cakes.  If memory serves, last year they’d set up some kind of carnival business where you could play games?  I wouldn’t count on that one, though.

    2. fangstina +3

      I love the mid-autumn festival!! It’s one of few celebrations my (chinese) family celebrates, and it’s my favorite in terms of what it’s commemorating. all the imagery is so prettyyyyy. also mooncake = (✿ ♥‿♥). Have fun!!

  21. Household_Opera +9

    Self-care thread? I’ve had a hard week (a whole lot of worrying about some stuff that I think will probably be OK in the end, but that doesn’t stop my brain’s always-hyperactive Worst Case Scenario Generator from running in high gear, constantly), but: I’m taking a vacation day today, I made myself an omelet-and-avocado-toast brunch this morning, and this weekend I’m getting a massage and going to watch the new Doctor Who episode in a pub with a friend. And probably going for a walk in my nearest park, too, if the weather’s good enough. (Watching Key & Peele sketches sounds like a good addition to the list, too, now that I think of it!)

    What are you doing to take care of your lovely selves?

    1. houblonchouffe +8

      I have three and a half more days of work before a week off and WEDDING. This weekend I’m going to henna my hair and do a scrubby face mask, next Friday I have an hour-long massage and a honey-chamomile facial scheduled, there will be bubble baths involved.

      Lots of sleep is becoming A Thing That Needs To Happen, so I am also making sure to get to bed by 10:30 every night if I possibly can. It’s helping immensely.

      1. Ethylbenzene +2

        I am hoping to do a nice spa day for myself tomorrow with all the free samples in my Sephora order. The tub isn’t clean enough for a bath and with these cramps I am not gonna do that, let’s be real.

        The one thing I wish I could get right in my self-pampering is a good hair mask for curly thick hair. I’ve tried a bunch (banana, avocado, banana AND avocado, egg, egg and yogurt, molasses, honey, egg molasses AND yogurt with vitamin E and lavender, coconut oil), and the ones that give me good shine also leave me slightly oily (I’m no-poo), and the others just haven’t done much. I would prefer something DIY because OTC hair masks are SO expensive. Sigh sigh sigh.

    2. Thujaplicata +4

      I had things going on in the evening every day this week, so last night I decided to skip the history lecture I was planning on attending (still a little sad about that because it sounded fascinating) and instead stayed home, made real food for dinner, watched several episodes of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, and read a couple issues of Ouran High School Host Club that a friend loaned me earlier in the week. It was lovely and restful.

    3. SmrtCookie +7

      I canceled just about all my weekend plans. It. Feels. So. Good. I’m not going to let myself do any major projects this weekend, I need a weekend to chill and putter around the kitchen and do some light cleaning.

    5. daisymerolling +6

      swing dancing tonight and then Netflix. Dr who saturday night, Bake Off Sunday night. Gloriousness.
      I might treat myself to a bath but I dont know if I trust college dorm baths.

        1. daisymerolling +2

          Throwback to week one when the fabulous gay guy made a silver bear named Paul Hollywood.
          He’s like a sliver fox British Alec Baldwin, with the same eyes of a siberian husky.

    8. DappledThings +7

      I just signed up for two adult-beginner dance classes! I spent most of my childhood trying to teach myself to dance since my parents couldn’t afford to send me to lessons, took a few classes in high school and college but always felt like I had started too late to keep up with my classmates… and this summer something just clicked in my brain that said, oh wait, I’m an adult now, I can choose to do this, and do it just for myself. I started this week and it feels amazing!

    9. jenavira +7

      I am giving myself permission to not do anything. At first I thought I was okay, and then I realized that expecting to recover from two weeks of hideous stress in five days was perhaps a little silly, so I am continuing to do nothing this weekend.

      (And of course the instant I made this decision I sat down and powered through two craft projects, so.)

    10. fenixdawn +5

      I work all weekend but have today off (retail schedule!) so today I have acquired some hippie hot water bottle thingies (a “Fomentek” ?) for my killer menstrual cramps. I’ve got one on my back, one on my stomach, and it is awesome.

    11. Alli525 +2

      The weather is supposed to be gorgeous, so I’m going to try to clean my apartment TONIGHT (there is just so much to do – my kitchen is a total wreck) and then spend the next two days bouncing between my hammock in the park and watching Key & Peele, Doctor Who, and probably a lot of HGTV. And hitting the gym, but that’s necessary, not fun.

    3. saraallain +3

      I LOVE IT. I just made an appointment with my dream artist for my next one – I’ll post it in October when it’s done!

    5. deleted7410012 +20

      that is BEAUTIFUL! i am here for delicate black line tattoos. here’s my favorite of my own collection:

      1. SwitchingGenres +1

        Those are great! The next time I can get an appointment with my preferred artist I’d love to get a Tenniel illustration from Alice in Wonderland in that style.

    6. slowseptember +1

      I have no idea how to post a picture! But I have just put a pic of my eensy semicolon on my twitter @slowseptember if you want to see!

    8. coloredlights +1

      Wow, that is super pretty!

      I also just got a new tattoo (my 4th) on the inside of my upper arm and would like to register my amazement that you were able to tolerate such a complicated piece in that area. OUCH.

    10. Es_Petal +8

      That’s gorgeous! I have this lot on my back
      Well, that's my back finished.

      this on one side of my ribcage (it says Silver Shadows, which is my horse’s name, in Farsi)
      New tattoo

      and this on the other side of my ribcage. It says When God created the horse, he said to the magnificent creature: I have made thee as no other. All the treasures of the earth shall lie between thy eyes. Thou shalt cast thy enemies between thy hooves, but thou shalt carry my friends upon they back. Thy saddle shall be the seat of prayers to me. And thou fly without any wings, and conquer without any sword.”
      Number six!

      1. pairofbuttons +2

        The tattoos are cool, I mostly wanted to internet-high-five a fellow Arabian owner! (I’m assuming anyway)

          1. pairofbuttons +1

            Oh, I’m sorry! I’ve only ever seen that quote in some way related to Arabian horses, derp. I should have asked and not assumed…it’s really stunning though! Are New Forest ponies a British breed? I would love to see them if you have photos online!

          2. Es_Petal +3

            Yes, they’re one of the UK’s native breeds, they originate from where I live on the south coast.

            These are my beasts, I lost Copper (on the right) in June aged 32, I’d had him for 27 years and it still makes me sniffle to say I have two.
            Petal (Sabinas Silver Shadows) is the grey one, and Dexter (Petal’s nephew, Green Cottage Prince Charming) is the tall chap in the middle who has some very big hooves to fill! I used to compete Petal for her previous owner who runs the stud I ride for, and I bought her after she retired from competing. Dexter is one of our homebreds, I ride his dad as well and I’ve had him since he was 3 weeks old.

            All my ponies

          3. pairofbuttons +1

            AAAGH they’re so cute and gorgeous I am dead

            Ok, I’m back. Copper must have been amazing…he looks absolutely lovely. I lost the mare I’d had when I was a teenager after 15 years (flea-bitten gray, funnily enough) and I thought that was hard…I can’t even fathom 27 years.

            Thank you so much for sharing! They have a new fan for sure 😀

    2. Thujaplicata +20

      Oliver was very much in favor of me sitting in the chair reading manga for several hours last night

      Asa claimed this spot as her own earlier in the week.

      1. octopoda +6

        The kitten gets along better with the dogs than the other cats. Now he is acting like them, he begs for table scraps just like they do.

    4. robindavisdesign +32

      I like the second one where the cat is like “PLEASE I WANT TO BE IN THIS PICTURE TOO OKAY”

      Nessie the new kitten has discovered that her big brother is large and makes for a good pillow.

    5. houblonchouffe +25

      Diesel decided that he wanted to read his dad’s magazine. It is Starlog, Number Five, dated May 1977.

      Then we settled in to watch X-Files. Diesel isn’t scared of the black oil.

    6. MilesofMountain +38

      Moxie continued making new friends this week

      Friends who nibbled on my kale, my raspberries, my strawberries, my apple tree, my cherries, and my rose bush all in one night. I don’t think I approve of Moxie’s new friends.

      1. KatPruska +19

        Does Moxie approach, or simply wait for the creatures to appear like s/he’s Snow White??

        There was a delightful ginger cat who lived down the street at my last apartment and he would come running to the sidewalk when I was walking my dog, march right up to her and start rubbing her muzzle with his face before dropping to the ground in front of her and rolling dramatically as she would play-bow and gently paw at him. It was the oddest and cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Cats!

        1. MilesofMountain +10

          It’s usually sort of a little dance. Moxie desperately whines to be put outside while they’re around, but once he’s out there he just kind of follows them from a short distance. Usually once the deer see him they get curious and approach. Once they get close Moxie gets a bit nervous and hunkers down. He still follows them if they move away, though, and when I eventually chased this one off (he started in on my rose bush when I have a pile of wild roses RIGHT THERE for him to eat and I was getting a little nervous about the buck getting aggressive) Moxie ran full speed to try and follow him.

          It’s entertaining to watch, although not maybe quite as adorable and a dog and cat playing.

      2. elsajeni +23

        He is giving the deer a message, which it will pass along to other deers through secret deer ways of communication* until it reaches his moose beloved.

        * Facebook, mostly

    7. mmsees +24

      Here’s Dolly being sleepy this morning and really encouraging me to procrastinate getting to lab.

      20150918_084104

      Plus shelter pups!

      20150915_090043

      20150915_093750

      20150915_103422

      20150915_101337

      20150915_104523

      1. mkmorrow +5

        I am very in love with the ears on pups 1 and 2. (Especially 1. The Dog of My Heart was white with big pointy ears, and I have a weakness.)

        1. laurenipsum +6

          “Dog of My Heart,” that’s the perfect term for it. (I was just thinking about your Chloe the other day!)

    8. PotterPotterson +25

      It feels like the Kittens have been little shits this week, but they haven’t peed on anything or broken anything, just woken me up at 5 am and whined a lot for their food and stared at my while I ate cheese at the counter. So pretty standard stuff, I guess. lol. CATS. I yell that at them a lot. CAAAATS.

      This is the most perfect picture of Janie ever. I can’t even with it.

      Pye was down with cuddles and chest pets this week.

    9. onehundredthjen +12

      It’s been a terrible week but this picture of Atticus with his head stuck in a tiny paper bag has brought me some joy.

      1. newglasses +6

        Did you tell us Gomez’ story and I just missed it? I am always interested in a happy ending stray/re-homed cat story.

        1. bighairnoheart +10

          I sent out a call for names earlier in the week, but Gomez stuck not long afterwards. He’s an older, gentlemanly shelter cat that I took in on Saturday. His background is a complete mystery, but thus far he has managed to react to everything his new situation has thrown at him with typical Addams dignity and aplomb.

    11. rangiferina +23

      I’m catsitting oldsampeabody’s Juniper this week! needless to say, she is an adorable yelling bleposaurus.

  24. Atalanta_Is +10

    I’ve started drawing again! I’m trying to get better at not being quite such a perfectionist, and also I want to draw a bunch of dumb video game fanart.

    Do any of you own a Huion or Monoprice tablet? I have a super old, super tiny refurbished Wacom tablet; I kind of want something less cramped to work on, but I don’t want to shell out $300, you know?

    1. octopoda +1

      I’m learning to draw too! I got the $200 Wacom Intuos and it works well. I’m not sure about the other brands. It’s so hard when there is such a dominant company for products like that.

      I have a Google doc somewhere of online drawing resources I made for a Toastie (was it you?) If you’d like me to send.

    2. robindavisdesign +2

      Yay for drawing again! I’ve heard alternating good things and very bad things about Huion. I know a couple of people who swear by them and others who swear at them. Haven’t owned one myself though. I use a Wacom from 2008, oops.

  25. saraallain +13

    Craft thread! I want to see your handiwork, Toasties!

    My sister and I recently set up an instagram for our collaborative embroidery/cross-stitching. Please check it out and if you enjoy what we do, give us a follow! We’re getting ourselves organized to start selling on Etsy.

    1. SwitchingGenres +16

      I make jewelry, blank books, and boxes (from cardboard and paper, not wood). Here’s a photo album and box I made as gifts.

    3. Merripat +3

      Your Instagram looks awesome! I don’t have an account myself, so I can’t follow you, but I definitely want to pick up cross-stitching again now. (The Mario piece!)

      1. saraallain +3

        Thank you! That one was really easy, because Mario already exists in 8-bit ^.^ No need to actually make or obtain a pattern!

    4. Thujaplicata +17

      I just this morning cast off the first in a nice pair of self striping socks. I’m pretty happy with the colors.

    5. MilesofMountain +4

      Your satin stitch is so nice! Satin stitch and French knots are the two stitches that just do not work well for me

      1. saraallain +1

        Satin stitch takes a lot of practice and patience – you want even coverage without too many overlapping stitches since too much overlap makes it look bumpy. I’m still working on being better at them!

        It took me ages to learn to french knot properly, but the tutorial that got me on the right track was this one from Sublime Stitching (there are a lot of other great tutorials there, too). For me, the key is to place my hoop on a table or between my knees so that I have both hands free to make knots.

      2. katenepveu +2

        I hate satin stitch, and was delighted when a cross-stitch pattern instructed me to use single-strand pearl cotton instead of embroidery floss, because it was the best way to do satin stitches EVER (link to post. Unfortunately that probably doesn’t work in embroidery.

    6. katenepveu +9

      Aww, I forgot to post this finish here before.

      The color-correction is lousy, unfortunately; mentally adjust the fabric to a uniform white, please.

      This little red squirrel was just put on the wall of The Pip’s bedroom (almost-4); I made him two polar bears from the same designer but then he noticed that his big sister had THREE framed cross-stitches made by me in HER room. And, truly, it was only fair that I make him another.

      (pattern; I slightly modified it to stitch it over-two.)

      Current WIP: Christmas present for relative–first attempt at stitching on a darker color fabric, and between that, the unevenness of the linen, and the fact that the pattern calls for single-ply silk, I broke the Q-snaps out again rather than try to keep stitching in the hand. Still, it’s going to be cute.

        1. katenepveu +1

          Thanks! It was fun to stitch, too, so all in all a success. (The Pip likes it, too, though possibly not as much as his glow-in-the-dark Super Friends poster, which is just fine.)

    7. katenepveu +1

      I particularly like the flowers for the Dabrowskis embroidery, by the way. The color and balance of the overall design look really nice.

      1. saraallain +1

        Thank you! I’ve been experimenting with florals recently when I’m not working on things designed by my sister, it’s nice and calming.

    8. sarah_jay +4

      I’m trying to design a quilt for my 30ish brother for Christmas (want to give myself plenty of time to finish it in time! Still don’t know if I need to ship it)
      I’m working with these fabrics, so I’ll only need to buy a backing, probably a minky blanket from Target.

      I’ve adapted a pattern I released last year, same blocks, just different placement/colors, and I like it.

      but I also like this new one that started as the same pattern, just changed the lines completely.

      Either way, I need to do a lot of math, and wait for new cartridges for my printer so I can print the piecing pages.

    9. goonerkate +7

      I love your Mario and Zelda cross stitches! Those are fantastic.

      This is the cross stitch I’m currently working on. I’ve still got to finish about half of it, but I like how it’s turning out so far. And since I just broke my foot this week, I’ll have plenty of time to finish it. I am excited to have a Nightmare Before Christmas piece, I can decorate for both Halloween and Christmas!

      1. saraallain +3

        Yes! Pop that baby up after on October 20th and take it down on January 1st, that’s efficient decorating my friend.

      2. katenepveu +2

        Very cute! I’m also stitching on blue at the moment, this kit as a present. It took a little getting used to, but I think I’ll be in time.

    10. parlato1973 +3

      i’m super excited to be taking a sashiko mending class next month, followed by boro textiles. it’s like the cross between mending and embroidery, and then making patchwork fabrics with the pieces.

      i’m also thinking of making a 2nd cat tree for my foster kittens. i made a nice cat tree before, since i am anti-carpet, i stained wood and wrapped with sisal, and this would be similar. i have all the supplies but hadn’t identified the day, maybe it’s today or tomorrow!

      1. saraallain +1

        Whoa! I had to look up both boro and sashiko mending because I’ve never heard of them before but they both sound really fun! Good luck to you ^.^

        1. parlato1973 +2

          I had never heard of them by name either, but I realized that I’ve seen sashiko before. I thought why not, right? another fun thing to do!

    11. ophelias_ghost +6

      I finished my first cross-stich in quite a while last night (pattern copied from a shop on Etsy I can’t find again) and I picked some fun patterns to make as Chanukah/Christmas/winter solstice gifts for some friends

      Untitled

      Related: does anyone have tips for reducing creasing in your fabric when you take it out of the embroidery hoop? I only keep it in the hoop when I’m actively working but I often still end up with an indented circle

      1. saraallain +2

        I don’t worry about creasing too much – I almost always iron pieces before they get properly framed and sent out.

      2. katenepveu +2

        I like it! Script is hard in cross-stitch but this is a nice clear pattern and the colors are very pleasing.

        I don’t use hoops these days, but I do roll my fabric around a tube I’ve made of cardstock for storage so I don’t have to fold it (I’m sure a paper towel tube or suchlike would also work). But yeah, as long as I’m not working with metallics, if I can’t avoid creases I just iron it (towel on ironing surface, stitches face-down, so they don’t get flattened unduly).

    13. regularmegan +2

      Followed! I’m taking an embroidery class in November and I honestly have no idea what to expect.

      I’m finally finished knitting a bunch of baby gifts, so I’m back to knitting too many sweaters for myself. I’m going to Knit City in two weeks and really want to finish knitting my Rowe cardigan before then, but that might be too ambitious. So many cables.

      1. saraallain +1

        I’m rubbish at knitting – I’ve tried to learn several times, but to no avail. I feel like if you can knit, you can totally embroider! It takes way less concentration ^.^

  26. megalesias +7

    I’ve spent the morning thinking about Black Mass, the Whitey Bulger movie, which is out today. I probably won’t bother seeing it, but I can’t stop thinking about this article- http://bigbadblog.weei.com/sports/boston/hockey/b… which really surprised me, even though I knew Jimmy Hayes is from Dorchester. But at the same time it’s not that surprising at all, because in some ways we’re a small town, and because the entire city is still dealing with what Bulger was and did.

    I don’t always like Ty Burr’s movie reviews, but I think he did a good job with this one- here – and frankly, reviews from Boston people are the only reviews I want to read about this movie. Esp. the conclusion-

    “More problematically, the movie gives short shrift to the social canvas that’s specific to this town, that can create a Jimmy Bulger (and a Billy Bulger) in hermetically sealed enclaves of class and clan and poverty and potential.

    What made Whitey? “Black Mass” has no interest in explaining him, other than brief scenes in which the criminal chats up a little old lady or plays a game of Gin with his old cheat of a mother (Mary Klug). We’re reminded that Whitey took loads of LSD as part of a prison experiment, but we never learn what, if any, effect it had.

    He’s just this movie’s bogeyman. At least Depp’s good at the job.

    “A lot of people in Southie loved Jimmy,” Plemons’s Weeks says on the soundtrack, and the movie lets the statement go unchallenged because the myth sells better than the complicated reality. “Black Mass” cements the cartoon version of Whitey Bulger as Boston’s bête noire for the rest of the country and the perpetuity of popular culture, but it doesn’t tell us anything we don’t know and it leaves out a lot we do. The movie’s good enough that you should see it if you want to. But you don’t have to, and, in these parts, that matters.”

    1. testingwithfire +2

      Hmmm. I was thinking about seeing Black Mass this weekend, but now I’m not so sure. If the movie doesn’t get in depth about the time, place, and people that created Whitey et al., it’s probably not going to be very interesting to me. I could go on and on about the increasing lack of local specificity in movies these days, but I’ll stop here.

      “Grandma” with Lily Tomlin opens next weekend up here north of Beantown, maybe I’ll just hold on till then.

      1. megalesias +3

        yeah, I get that the FBI corruption and the myth-making are probably bigger draws for the general non-Boston public, but…. there’s just so much else that goes into it. And why put Billy Bulger into the movie at all if you’re not going to go there?

    2. m98widow +7

      It seems like most of the reviews I’ve read have come to the conclusion that, if you want to see Black Mass, you’re better off watching The Departed again.

      1. megalesias +4

        I just really want movies that are Boston without being about organized crime. Which is probably why I’m still hanging onto Good Will Hunting…

    3. PRockette +1

      I read this yesterday and decided I need to read the book the movie is based on. I think it has the detail you’re looking for. It sounds like the public really bought into Whitey Southie’s Robin Hood. And then these journalists discovered how complicit the FBI was and how much they aided him. http://www.vice.com/read/talking-to-the-journalis…

      1. megalesias +3

        I do need to read the book, probably. I haven’t because we’ve been on Whitey-overload for, what, four years now? with the capture and the trial and the movie, no one in Boston can stop hearing about him. Which is another reason I’m not seeing the movie, haha.

        Honestly I think I’m really looking for the story about Whitey + Billy that he talks about in the beginning of that interview- the one that got sidelined in favor of the FBI stuff, which is absolutely important journalism, but not that interesting to me personally.

  27. SmrtCookie +8

    What are your favorite snacks?? I’ve discovered I’m much more likely to be a productive adult after work if I eat something easy and small right when I get home but I’m not sure what to stock up on. It can’t be super delicious or I’ll want to eat more of it and not eat a proper dinner…

    1. Eris +3

      I usually go for pretzel sticks because they’re salty enough to not be boring, but boring enough to not lead to me ruining my appetite. Also, if you have fruit with them, it’s delightful.

    3. daisymerolling +5

      Over my three weeks of college experience, Ive realized Im a big believer in small oatmeal squares or peanutty pretzel bars. Also cookie butter.
      But since you have actual access to a kitchen…
      I love bread+pear+bleu cheese+ honey
      it’s rich so you dont need a lot and its so delicious but not TOO delicious.

    4. Absotively +5

      High-protein granola bars. They taste kind of like protein powder, which is unfortunate, but they’re more satisfying than regular granola bars. And they’re quantized. I find it much easier to stop after one granola bar than after one handful of trail mix.

      1. Beakses +2

        How high protein? I’ve found the kashi chewy bars are usually about 6 grams, without the protein bar markup. Also delicious.

        1. Absotively +5

          10 g, apparently. They’re the Nature Valley ones. They have a bunch of chocolate, which helps a lot with the flavour.

    5. robotneedslove +5

      I mean, my favourite snacks are cheese and crackers and chips and such.

      But I like to TRY to eat loads of veggies after work because my snacking has no limits.

    6. lemontx +10

      I might just be speaking for myself, but I find carrots and hummus to be a good healthy snack that is difficult to overdose on (unlike, say, chips or cookies). The hummus provides protein and a cup and a half of baby carrots is usually all I can handle in one sitting… but it’s still good for you and totally delicious. (and I hate vegetables. HAAAATE. But I look forward to my carrots every day!) *Especially if i buy carrots in bulk and pre-package them (and the hummus) into servings once a week. It takes all of the thought out of dishing stuff up and keeps me snacking within reason.

      3. Alli525 +2

        I LOVE carrots and hummus. My true weakness is celery with ranch dressing, but I’ve been trying to substitute dips made with Greek yogurt instead, because health. It’s not as satisfying but still yummy.

    7. actualmeg +5

      I make a lot of homemade quick pickles–there are a lot of jars in my fridge right now and they usually satisfy my craving for “EAT A THING” without being too filling.

      Other than that:

      Veggies & your dip of choice
      Sardines on crackers with a dab of hot sauce
      Handful of nuts/trail mix
      Dried fruit or berries

    8. fenixdawn +5

      Some cold roasted vegetables are nice to have around. They are colorful, good for you, and you’re not going to overdose on them (and if you do….they’re vegetables, so…..). And if you arrange them on a little cutting board in a beautiful way, maybe with a drizzle of something on them, it feels like a lovely antipasto.

    9. DappledThings +9

      Apple, sliced and dipped in peanut butter. Not too heavy, not too light, and size of snack is automatically delimited by the size of the apple.

    11. jenavira +4

      Fresh-popped popcorn. I got an air popper to be healthier, but frankly it tastes better when you pop it in oil on the stove, and then you don’t have to put butter on it. Just salt in the oil, and maybe a little parmesan cheese on top.

    12. iosognodisonno +4

      Peanuts and cashews. I also just bought a dehydrator and the dried tomatoes, peppers, strawberries, and peaches I made with it were delightful and all likely be become snacking mainstays.

    13. keristars +2

      Cantaloupe chunks are my morning work snack aka breakfast. It’s fruit so heavy on the sugar, but it also has a bunch of good vitamins. Watermelon is another good option, but I don’t care for it if it isn’t super flavorful.

      I also have been known to stick a few stalks of asparagus into the microwave when I get home for a quick steam-cook, then munch them like french fries while I’m prepping real dinner or watching movies or something.

      Both of these options can get pricey (but I’m willing to pay a little more to get the good nutrition, if it means I’m not eating potato chips or chocolate, because I’m such a delicate eater)

    14. britomartian +10

      cheddar + apple. it’s not quite “I’ll have what I’m having” but it’s pretty damn good

    15. ophelias_ghost +2

      After class I like to make a fried egg and eat it on rye bread toast with some cheddar cheese. I also keep pretzel sticks and baby carrots around to eat with hummus.

    16. viviennestreet +3

      I like to eat Greek yogurt (Fage <3) right when I get home. It’s pretty filling, and requires zero preparation.

    18. Goomaly +2

      make a smoothie (with at least some juice and frozen fruit in it) and then make popsicles out of it!! its a really good snack and quite healthy and basically a dessert.

  28. Absotively +2

    Netrunner thread? Or perhaps a general card/board games thread?

    I have signed up for a Netrunner tournament next month, so I am kind of speeding through my attempts to play with every faction so that I can pick my factions for the tournament and spend a couple weeks getting used to them and tweaking my decks. Played Weyland for the first time Wednesday, put together an Anarch deck yesterday, and should have time to put together a Jinteki deck before the next time I play, so that will conclude my rushed self-guided faction tour.

    Pretty sure I’m going to pick Criminal & Haas-Bioroid, and then maybe I will buy Creation & Control, because my Corp game needs more help than my Runner game.

    Also no one ever runs my traps, ever, so I’ve concluded that I must need to work on my poker face. This became super obvious to me this week thanks to a guy running Valencia + Blackmail. I don’t want to choose my next data pack based solely on getting some way to remove bad publicity or rez ice outside runs, and so far as I can tell the only option that leaves is better bluffing.

    What have other folks been playing lately?

    1. Goomaly +4

      I just joined a board game group, despite the fact that I can’t play anything except Chutes and Ladders, but I’ve been learning. My fav so far is a game with a Japanese name where a panda eats bamboo. I had no idea this world even existed.

    2. meta_muse +2

      I’ve just been exposed to the current board gaming scene recently, but even just in reading about it I’m amazed at how many cool games there are and the diversity in types of games. If any want to learn more about board gaming, I would highly recommend checking out Shut Up & Sit Down for witty and intelligent board game reviews.

      I’ve been continuing to play Netrunner , and have started trying out a couple general board gaming meetups too.

      Netrunner –

      I played in a couple of casual tournaments at my local store last month – the decks I picked were Noise and Personal Evolution. Good luck on finding decks that work for you!

      Unfortunately, Creation & Control is out of print right now. If you want to strengthen your corp deck, have you considered adding proxies of Jackson Howard?

      1. Absotively +1

        The board game cafe that hosts the local weekly Netrunner night had at least one copy. And if it’s gone by Wednesday and they don’t have more in the back, I’ll try the game store where I picked up Future Proof a couple weeks ago, or the store that hosts occasional Netrunner events and that had Opening Moves the last time I was there.

        Apparently my city has enough Netrunner players to get lots of stores to order the expansions, but not quite enough for all the out of print ones to actually sell out. It’s kind of wonderful.

        And yeah, I should probably pick up Opening Moves for Howard if I can still find it, but it’s another case where I’d be picking up the entire box basically for one card at this point. I do expect I’ll get most or all of the expansions eventually, but I feel like there are packs that probably deserve a higher spot on my list.

        1. Absotively +1

          Also I just looked at the FFG upcoming page, and C&C’s status is “Shipping Now,” so it should be back in stores very very soon regardless.

        2. meta_muse +1

          That’s why I’d suggested proxying . I don’t have Opening Moves either, I just printed out a copy as a stand-in – I have my decks in opaque sleeves, so it doesn’t look any different from the real cards when I shuffle. It’s a fairly common practice in casual play, and right now a lot of tournaments will allow you to use proxies for an important out-of-print card like Jackson Howard.

          1. Absotively +1

            I should probably ask the tournament organizers about proxies for out-of-print cards. I’m not hopeful, though, because the tournament is part of a big gaming event with more focus on Magic & Pokemon & some other games. I’m not sure they actually have a great understanding of Netrunner.

            Also Netrunner has disappeared from the latest version of their schedule, but they still have a page where you can pay to register for it, so hopefully they’ll work that out soon.

        3. Turtlefriend +1

          Actually you should not feel like you are buying the whole pack for Howard. It has a lot of cards that have a lot of utility even if you aren’t using then now. Hostage is the only connection search, Gorman drip is good trickle economy options, celebrity gift is really good for any jinteki deck, next bronze are pretty good on their own, and they are critical if you want to make a next deck. It will give you a lot of options for deck building.

          1. Absotively +1

            Hmm, maybe I should reconsider it.

            Actually, I should probably do a little more reading before I buy anything. It looks like there aren’t actually many C&C HB cards in popular netrunnerdb decks, so I probably shouldn’t just assume that it’s the right thing to buy.

            Unfortunately the store that had Opening Moves last time I was there didn’t have it any more yesterday. There’s a number of places in the city I could check, so I might still be able to find it, but I’ll have to do more work. I should probably check if the organizers of the tournament I’m going to will allow proxies for out-of-print cards.

    3. Turtlefriend +1

      I have recently been playing two board games, House at Haunted Hill and Space Alert. Betrayal at House on Haunted Hill is an exploration based scenario based pseudo team game where one of the players turns traitor halfway though, and you don’t know who it’s going to be. Basically you are mapping out a haunted house with random tiles and at some point the game determines which of 52 scenarios you play and the second half of the game begins. There are hidden traitors, no traitors, recruiting traitors, every time is new and interesting.

      Space Alert is actually my favorite board game right now. It is an exercise in communication. Basically you have a “hand” of actions and a limited time to put down the actions. The game actions don’t execute until you finish putting them all down so usually your team fails hilariously because someone was doing a critical action at the wrong moment. It has random enemies your spaceship must fight off that start towards your ship at preset times, It is really well designed and requires really good teamwork and communication.

      Netrunner: I have been playing a lot of criminal as well, but I am thinking of picking up Edward Kim instead. I am currently playing Weylon pretty regularly but I actually want to give Jinteki a whirl since I actually am also bad at traps and would like to work on it. The best advice I have been given is to put down traps when you think the runner is just barely unable to get into the server. This means that they think you are putting it down because it’s an agenda and will burn an event or economy card they might be saving for just such an occasion. Usually I will put down a new piece of ice and then put down a trap and double advance. I was also told to make sure my traps match my ice, for example if you are using a never advance deck(basically you triple advance on one turn to score it) you need edge of world or snare! Conversely if you have 5 advance agendas you want to use advancable traps like junebug and cerebral overwriter. Traps are just something you need to get a feel for, Good luck in working out an HB deck!

      1. Absotively +1

        Thank you for the trap advice, that makes sense! Probably spending some time with Jinteki would be good for me, but there’s only a couple of weeks before the tournament, so I think I’ll jump straight into trying to refine decks for it, and then I’ll go back to playing with interesting things after that.

  29. beachlass +6

    Happiness Project Food Thread

    Evening prep is hard when I end up working in the evening! Or my parents come over! Or (insert excuse here)!

    But I am finding that having the goals of evening prep for the next day and staying on top of my groceries is making a big difference in reducing morning stress and making suppers easier.

    Recipe: Easiest Crockpot Chicken (made when my parents were up)

    Put chicken pieces in the crockpot (I used leg quarters)
    Pour salsa over (I used a bottle of salsa verde)
    Remember to check that crockpot is plugged in and turned to low
    Go to work

    Serve with salad (I picked greens from the garden, mom made an oil and vinegar dressing)

    1. Ethylbenzene +4

      Go you!!! Planning my meals for the week and buying the ingredients for said meals has really made my life so much better. I don’t have to make decisions at the end of the day when I’m tired, hungry, and cranky, which also leads to a little more downtime in the evenings.

      1. beachlass +3

        Oh, agreed! I’m amazed by how helpful it is to know what the meal plan is… And it helps me use my slow cooker; which means the meal is actually all done!

    2. fenixdawn +3

      Fudge Babies! (from http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2009/10/13/make-…

      1 cup walnuts
      1 and 1/3 cup dates (220 g or, as it happens, a package of dates from aldi)
      1 tsp vanilla extract
      3-4 tb cocoa
      a tiny bit of salt

      Soak dates, drain dates, throw all in food processor and pulverize. Shape gooey mixture in balls. Eat surprisingly delicious fudgey goodness.

    4. Thujaplicata +3

      I checked out “Will it Waffle?” from the library last weekend and so far I have made two recipes out of it! I made waffled quesadillas which were very tasty and quite fun and last night I made waffled chicken parmesan. It was very tasty and much less messy to clean up than a frying pan.

      I’m thinking I might have to try making waffled chocolate chip cookies this weekend.

      I also picked all the ripe cherry tomatoes on my two tomato plants and slow roasted them in the oven last night recipe here. I’m really looking forward to using them in sauces and on pasta and such.

    5. saraallain +2

      Yay food! Yesterday I got corn in my farm bag (yep, I get vegetables delivered, I’m that person) so I made corn chowder. It was magical ♥ ♥ ♥

      1. Oil (or butter), 1 large chopped onion in a big pot, 3-5 mins; add as much garlic as you like (I love garlic so I added ~ 2 tbsp) as well as a few roughly-chopped carrots and potatoes.
      2. Add 3 cups fresh corn, sliced off the cob, and a healthy pinch of red pepper flakes. Let it cook away for a couple of minutes.
      3. Add 3 cups of vegetable or chicken broth, toss in the corn cobs, and let that simmer for a good 15-20 minutes.
      4. In a measuring cup, dissolve 1tbsp of corn starch in 1 cup of vegetable/chicken broth. Add to the soup and simmer for a few minutes until the liquid starts getting a bit thicker.
      5. BLEND. I reserved about 1 1/2 cups of corn kernels, but made sure that the carrots and potatoes were completely blended using my immersion blender.
      6. Add the corn kernels back in, and maybe a little more water or broth if you find that it’s too thick for your liking.
      7. THE MAGIC STEP: Add 3/4 cup of cream – or, if you are feeling fancy and/or vegan, coconut milk.

      Salt and pepper to taste and then EAT IT ALL.

  30. loren_smith +13

    Toasties, I just found out my best friend is moving halfway across the country, next week, to follow her stupid husband as he tries to save his failing MLM “job”. I can’t stop crying at my desk :(:(:(

  31. Ethylbenzene +42

    So I’ve been feeling a LOT better about the lengthy friend breakup of doom this week. To recap: the week before Labor Day, said friend contacted spouse asking to hang out over the long weekend while he was in town. Spouse, as per what we are trying to do to fix the distance in our relationship brought on by this whole mess, told him no. Friend subsequently blew the fuck up, I sent a long email (I KNOW I KNOW) detailing my reality and reasoning as to why this happened, since he was still coming at this from all the lies he’s been told about me by his toxic narcissistic mom, and there’s been nothing since.

    What I realized though, was that a lot of the issues in my relationship with spouse were stemming from his trying to maintain his friendship with this person who had hurt me so badly, and that what I really wanted was for him to stick up for me, to have my back. Once he did that, it felt like the big lump of ugliness and distance and anger in between us started to melt. Between that and feeling like I’ve finally said everything I needed to say to get my reality on the record, things have been so so so much better. Thanks to everyone for commiseration and advice and hugs and gifs.

    2. amanita +4

      I’m so glad to hear this! I’ve thought of you often. It’s so good to be partnered with someone who supports you, and so devastating when it feels like they don’t.

  32. Merripat +14

    I feel like we have been truly blessed in the past weeks here at The Toast. I haven’t been able to read everything, but I certainly will after I finish my thesis this weekend.

    That is all I have to say right now. Have a good weekend, Toasties!

  33. RudyRed +3

    ETA: This was supposed to be in reply to houblonchouffe’s car thread.

    Until recently I had a 2010 Toyota Yaris two-door hatchback, and I really liked that little car. It was surprisingly spacious, fun to drive, and the gas mileage was great. And it looked like a giant jellybean, which was a bonus. I had to get rid of it because cars in Chicago are too damn expensive to keep. 🙁

    My favorite car I’ve ever owned was a 91 Ford Mustang convertible, which I had for a year or two in college. My uncle sold it to me when I was living in Arizona for an internship; he wasn’t using it anymore, so I just paid the cost of repairing it. Goddamn that was a fun car to drive. BROOM BROOM! My dad and I road-tripped from AZ to MN in it, and that was brilliant. Going through the mountains in it with the top down was a beautiful experience. I sold it because it’s not a great car to have for Minnesota winters, and the mileage wasn’t the greatest (although, at 21 MPG, not terrible either).

    1. CleverManka +3

      A lot of people mock those late 80s/early 90s Mustangs because the design was (admittedly) terrible and the 6-cylinder was way underpowered. But yeah, I dated a guy who had one (the GT version) and damn that thing was amazing. It was the perfect combo of feeling like you were in complete control while the car seemed to just drive itself. Excellent handling. Just great.

    2. octopoda +3

      I had a white Yaris too! Great little cars. It was named Eve by my wife after the Wall-E character, as she has a silver one in Miami named Wall-E.

      We sold it to get a little bigger and nice car, and now have a Subaru Impreza Wagon named Thor.

      1. houblonchouffe +4

        My Impreza is called Zelda. Living, as I do, in northern Michigan, Home of the 22-Feet-of-Snow-Winter-of-2013-14,

  34. RuncibleSpoon +12

    i went to Portland, and it was pretty dang awesome! thank you to everyone who made suggestions. now i am near ecstatic for my not travel weekend starting tonight. i will stay in and read my new books from Powell’s multiple locations and go nowhere!

    have a lovely weekend everyone!

        1. April

          I forgive you for wanting to move here, because I agree that Portland is awesome, but have mixed feelings about you actually doing it, which are totally not your fault, and mostly the fault of the rent being Too Damn High. Portland is becoming a victim of its own awesomeness.

          The most stereotypical example: the first big food cart pod has almost been turned into condos more than once. The landowner wants to build condos there because the neighborhood is popular. A big part of why the neighborhood is popular is…the food cart pod!!

  35. fakegeekgrrrl +28

    I have an obsession with classic hollywood gifs lately! Here is one of my current personal favorites (okay this is from TV but whatever):

    cool candle

    Share your faves with me if you got ’em?

    2. rolotomassi5 +8

      “I don’t mind your doing card tricks, Hopsy, it’s just that you wouldn’t want your ideal doing card tricks.”

    4. keristars +3

      PreCode.com usually sticks a couple fun gifs into his reviews, if you feel like reading about films from 1930-July 1934 (I can’t remember any particularly good ones off the top of my head, but he JUST posted a Gold Diggers of 1933 review with a couple!)

    5. bighairnoheart +8

      Late, but these are my absolute favorite and, as of now, still unused gifs. Jungle red, motherfuckers.

      One day. One day soon. Life goals.

  36. autumnlorayne +26

    Toast friends! About a year ago (!) I posted in Open Thread about wanting misandrist TV shows to watch, and y’all came through with some great suggestions. I thought I’d share the list again here, and encourage people to add new recommendations, or give their opinion on the ones listed.

    Misandry and Friends:

    – Top of the Lake
    – The Fall
    – The Good Wife
    – Call the Midwife
    – Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries
    – Orphan Black
    – Kill La Kill (anime)
    – Princess Jellyfish (anime)
    – Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood (anime)
    – Attack on Titans (anime)
    – Orange is the New Black
    – My Mad Fat Diary
    – Rizzoli & Isles
    – Bletchley Circle
    – Vikings

      1. catoclock +5

        Top of the Lake is SO GOOD. I would not, however, recommend binge-watching the entire thing in one weekend, unless you enjoy really terrifying nightmares.

        Damages for sure belongs on this list!

        1. deleted7410012 +6

          oh god, the first time i saw it, i watched the whole thing in three days and it wrecked me. it’s just so emotionally intense? and the atmosphere gets under your skin, for sure.

    3. longlostlullaby +4

      If oldies are allowed, then my suggestion is Roseanne, which may or may not currently be available on Youtube depending on if they’ve been removed it again.

    4. MilesofMountain +7

      Orphan Black is fantastic, BUT the most recent season addressed how the patriarchy hurts men as part of the plot, making it less misandrist, sadly. I mostly don’t mind but I know that definitely pissed off some viewers.

      1. keristars +5

        Oh, that’s good to know! I stopped watching after the 3rd or 4th episode because all the Man Stuff was bumming me out (I felt like the cast/story was getting too big, and hated what it was doing with Helena), but if it was for a Good Reason and showing another aspect of Feminism like that, I think I’ll pick it up again.

        1. MilesofMountain +4

          At least, my take was that the Man Stuff story line was about how society dehumanizes and weaponizes men. I don’t feel like they quite hit it out of the park the way they did for the women stuff story lines and I was also annoyed by the Helena storyline but I still found it worth watching.

          1. keristars +3

            At the very least, I need to finish watching the season because my brother’s fiancée was bummed that we couldn’t talk about it the last time we got together, and thinking of it as Patriarchy Hurts Men, Too will making it easier to move up my list! Thanks!

        2. j_bird +3

          I enjoyed S3 of Orphan Black overall, but I did have the sneaking feeling that the whole Man storyline was added because someone was like, we just can’t have a TV show that’s all about women.

    6. katenepveu +2

      I love _FMA:B_ with the passion of a million suns, and it is full of female characters who are awesome in different ways, but I’m not sure I’d call it _misandrist_ because it also has many male characters who awesome in different ways and, hmmm, spoilers spoilers spoilers I can sort of see a point there but spoilers. Anyway, good show, skip the first episode, treat the next several kindly because they were struggling with having done those storylines in the first anime (NOT recommended), but enjoy.

      1. autumnlorayne +4

        Yeah the ‘misandry’ specification was a little hyperbolic, more like, shows that have multiple, dynamic, complex, flawed female characters, and that emphasize or explore relationships between these female characters, in major (or even minor) plot arcs.

        1. katenepveu +2

          Cool. _FMA:B_ definitely has many female characters who are plot-critical, though IIRC it’s less good about their relationships with each other.

    7. longlostlullaby +2

      Women-centric, sometimes misandrist:
      -Another Period
      -Jane the Virgin
      -Some Girls (British and on Hulu)

      1. autumnlorayne +3

        I really want to watch Jane the Virgin! The actress who stars in it seems like an awesome person from the bits of interviews etc. that I’ve seen.

      2. daisymerolling +2

        SOME GIRLS.
        Recommend it to any and all teenage girls in your life. It got me through so much high school crap.

    8. longlostlullaby +2

      Shows Netflix has recommended to me under “Featuring a Strong Female Lead”, if anyone would like to comment and let me know if they’re actually any good (Melissa & Joey is also listed under this heading, so I can’t trust Netflix):
      -The Buccaneers
      -Rosemary & Thyme
      -Strange Empire: No Man’s Land
      -Hjordis
      -The Vicar of Dibley

      1. autumnlorayne +2

        I just finished the first season of Strange Empire and I can’t decide how I feel about it. Lots of racial diversity, which is fantastic. I would caution that there is a LOT of violence against women, including but not limited to sexual assault. Also pedophilia. Also a great deal of prostitution and over-use of the word “whore” both as a verb and a noun. It feels like they were going for historical accuracy but kept slipping into sensationalization or exploitation, like, ooh, won’t this be titillating, a show with all these pretty prostitutes!

    10. mmsees +6

      I just watched all of Bletchley Circle and it’s SO good and interesting. I really like Call the Midwife as well and I feel like they’re both super interesting in the way their surface level plots really allow a very interesting view into the changing lives of women and how “strong” women fit into the confines of the gender roles of the time.

    11. ladyimogen +10

      Season 3 of Miss Fisher just hit Netflix in the US! I AM SO EXCITED FOR SWANKY SEXY MURDER SOLVING!

    12. viviennestreet +4

      I’d like to put Madoka Magica up for consideration! I wouldn’t say it’s misandrist, so much as all the main characters are middle school girls and there’s a big emphasis on female friendship and love.

      Fair warning, though: it’s a deconstruction of the magical girl genre, and is creepy as hell. So good. So unsettling.

  37. jenavira +21

    Toasts, this is unfair. It is mid-September and it is still 80 degrees outside. I am wearing my new purple combat boots in protest, but the weather continues to defy me. It is time for all right-thinking people to rise up and demand fall.

    1. deleted7410012 +9

      ugh, yes. earlier this week we had a two-day preview of fall and it was wonderful and glorious and foggy and cool, but this buttface heat is back to plague us through the weekend.

    2. tragicallyludicrous +4

      It’s chilly and rainy here, but summer is actually really pleasant here so I’ve greeted the arrival of fall with “ugh, honestly?”

    3. SwitchingGenres +5

      It is 80 where I am too, and I wore my Frye boots in protest. I very much admire/am coveting your purple combat boots.

    4. m98widow +4

      I just want to sleep with the windows open! I don’t even care if it’s still warm during the day!

    5. femaelstrom +7

      I feel overwhelming anger when I see Starbucks serving their fall/winter seasonal stuff. I’ll drink my pumpkin spice when I can spill it all over a sweater and tights rather than my bare sweaty skin. Pumpkin spice before it’s properly fall is an Abomination and the weather needs to catch up with Starbucks.

    6. tomatoskirt +2

      I am determined to make fall happen through sheer force of will and have stubbornly been wearing all my best fall clothing for the last week.

  38. rolotomassi5 +5

    Podcast thread!!

    Crazy week in terms of how many shows I subscribe to put out new eps, I’m just going to do Claudia O’Doherty week in terms of the ones that stuck out to me.

    CBB – Claudia co-hosts and Peaches is the musical guest and a very funny third guest who is a classic rock expert who knows one album. As always, Claudia is absolutely hilarious and her amazing Kim Katrall impression fits in quite nicely with Peaches.

    The X-Files Files – Dropped Wednesday also w/ Claudia as the guest. I love the tangents she gets Kumail to go into when she’s on. They spend a lot of time talking about Freddy Kruger and Claudia won’t stop going on about Age Of Adeline, much to Kumail’s consternation.

    Basically I could listen to her read the phone book, her accent kills me.

    What have you guys listened to this week?

    1. urspostrophe +4

      Favorites, Never Miss Them: Another Round, I Seem Fun, Pop Culture Happy Hour!
      Pretty Cool If I Know and Like The Guest: Here’s the Thing, WTF w/ Marc Maron
      Could Not Get Into: Nerdist (I was misled by the title, everything they talk about is mainstream.)

    3. FreeRangeMenses +2

      It’s a big-name podcast, but this week’s This American Life (the bit about the family with 12 kids and the boat in the backyard) made me extremely happy and maybe a little damp in the eye area.

    4. SwitchingGenres +4

      I’m loving Lore right now. I also just discovered I Don’t Even Own a Television, which I heard about from a commenter on The Toast.

    5. Eris +3

      I’m gonna go ahead and plug I Don’t Even Own A Television, again. It’s a podcast about bad books, but unlike a lot of other “mock stupid things” podcasts I’ve listened to, they take issues of race, gender representation, and possibly triggering content seriously. It’s super refreshing to hear them actually put a warning in the episode description/beginning of the audio when they cover, say, a book by Piers Anthony.

      Also, I started listening to Damn Interesting after the Zero-Armed Bandit was in a link roundup, and I am HOOKED. It’s exactly what it says in the title.

      On a completely different note, if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to listen to a podcast produced by a giant squid, I invite you to check out The Cephalopodcast. I’m offering no further context.

    6. saraallain +2

      I have been binging on Rachel & Miles X-Plain the X-Men, which is a real deep-dive into the history of the X-Men. It’s… insanely complicated! Recommended for anyone who likes comics and/or pop culture and/or listening to people be crazy-enthusiastic about something they love.

    7. actualmeg +3

      I have binge-listened to ALL of the existing episodes of Another Round in the past few weeks. That is pretty much it.

    8. PRockette +9

      I’ve been enjoying Criminal. It’s a true crime podcast, but it covers different aspects of crime (so not just the crimes themselves, but people who work in the field or people who were affected by crime). It also covers really weird crimes (Venus flytrap poaching). My favourite episode profiles a woman who is a coroner and her mother was a coroner and her husband is a coroner and her dad is an investigator. All in Montana. Basically, this should be a Netflix series.

    9. beakbreath +7

      Can I Pet Your Dog is the most important podcast currently airing. “Dogs we met this week” is the ideal podcast segment, and I am jealous I did not think of it.

    10. fangstina +6

      Throwing Shade is my favorite! It’s a comedy podcast that covers current women’s and LGBT issues. Funny and informative :).

    11. Beakses +4

      I am beyond obsessed with Longest Shortest Time right now. It is really helping with the whole “so, pregnancy is a thing I’m going to do, then” feels.

      1. truffleuffagus +2

        I second this recommendation. It tackles really challenging issues with a very tender touch. The episode “When are you gonna be normal again?” about the woman struggling with anxiety hit me hard in the feels.

    12. mmsees +3

      I’ve really liked Us & Them so far. It seems to be doing a pretty solid job of interviewing people with various viewpoints non-judgmentally. I definitely live in a very liberal bubble where I either don’t hear other people’s views or if I do they’re often presented with some derision. It’s been interesting to hear people I strongly disagree with presented in a compassionate light (the producers/host are pretty clearly very liberal, but the podcast is more about seeing what other people think and how big the gaps are rather than trying to convince anyone to change their sides).

    13. AmyEntropy +2

      I’m going to have to check out the Lore podcast! I never miss Science For The People and Women At Warp. The former is interviews with scientists about their topic of expertise, usually ones who have just published a book, and covers anthropology, science history, biology, medicine, physics, you name it. The latter is about women in Star Trek.

      1. Thujaplicata +2

        Do you listen to the Naked Scientists podcast? I really like that one, although I’m very behind on it as well.

        1. saraallain +2

          Yay for science podcasts! I really like The Infinite Monkey Cage, which is a BBC radio show about physics and astronomy.

        2. AmyEntropy +2

          No but I’ll check it out, thanks! Though I usually listen at work (only if doing something that doesn’t require all my concentration, of course) and don’t know if I want my employeer’s spyware seeing me googling “naked scientist” 😉

    14. ophelias_ghost +2

      I recently discovered Doug Loves Movies – a bunch of comedians get together (sometimes high) and play movie trivia games. The panels are pretty male-heavy but it’s very funny, Adam Scott and Ken Jennings have been guests!

      My standby podcasts are Hamish&Andy (Australian radio comedy show) and Throwing Shade. Rex Factor is also great – 2 historians go through all the kings & queens of England and rank them

    15. ppyajunebug +4

      so many podcasts you guys

      This week I’ve been listening to a lot of Rex Factor (discussing and ranking the kings/queens of England and Scotland), which I first heard about on The Toast a while ago, and desperately wishing there was one for US Presidents because YES PLEASE. Also, there’s a new episode of Whistlestop (podcast about presidential campaigns) about the Ross Perot campaign and how it may/may not speak to Trump and it’s GREAT.

      Also, HELL YES to Lore and The Allusionist. Others you may enjoy in that vein: Gravy, which is about Southern food and food culture and it’s amazing and talks a lot about race and food and gender and class structure. LOVE IT. Also, Reply All and Internet Explorer because I’m a sucker for podcasts about the Internet.

  39. lemontx +13

    Hello toasties, I’m new to commenting on stuff and while I’m incredibly stupid busy, I’d like to get a little more involved in the comments on here. I’m a grad student in education (essentially) and I just had the most AMAAAZING meeting with a woman who works with students and does a bunch of work that is 100% my dream job and I might have the opportunity to work with her this semester and I CANNOT WAIT. I’m so excited, even though it will be unpaid (woe, the life of a grad student) I’m more than willing to volunteer my time to get this experience and work with students in this capacity again. UGH i’m so excited I could scream!!

    What are you excited about?

    1. CleverManka +5

      I’m excited about possibly getting some sewing done this weekend and maybe squeezing out a couple more warm-weather garments before I switch over to All Sweaters All The Time.

      1. lemontx +3

        edit:

        Oh coool! Do you make a lot of clothes then? I sort-of-miss wearing long sleeves, but I also hate being cold and moved to a temperate climate on purpose because humidity is amaaaazing.

        1. CleverManka +3

          I used to make all my clothes (well, except jeans, underwear, etc.). I’m currently experimenting with re-fashioning thrift store stuff. I have a Pinterest for my re-fashioning inspiration if you want to see the kind of thing I’m aiming for.

          My hair likes humidity, too. My general constitution, not so much.

          1. lemontx +1

            Ooh that stuff is cool!! Such a definitive and neat style! I have no idea how to use a sewing machine. I hope to someday!

          2. CleverManka +2

            Thanks! I was lucky to grow up in a family where it was the norm for Moms to sew. I’m a fourth-generation sewist. I hope you get to experiment with sewing eventually, too!

    2. GreenGrasses +4

      omg this is so weird and dumb but I ordered a really nice clothes hamper that I get to go and pick up on Tuesday? So I am pretty psyched for that!

      1. lemontx +4

        Noooo that is amazing and I totally feel you! I am in a weird stage of adulthood where I get excited about buying organizational bins and rugs and all sorts of boring grownup ephemera. It is in fact, THE BEST. Is your clothes hamper super fancy? Does it have a separate bin for socks?

    3. ophelias_ghost +4

      Yay for you, I also got very excited&motivated about my career this week; I’m an undergrad bio major and I went to a meeting of the Wildlife Society at my college where I found out what I need to do to get an associate certification as a wildlife biologist and I feel really good about it

      1. lemontx +3

        Getting motivated is the best. And wow, being a wildlife biologist sounds really badass! Do you have opportunities to be out in the field with this organization? that is so cooool

        1. ophelias_ghost +3

          I’m hoping so! They bring in a lot of lecturers from the field and organize group events like a behind-the-scenes zoo trip and a visit to a wolf rescue center. Also, being on the email list means getting access to information about opportunities for internships and field research which I’m hoping will yield something cool for me to do this summer 🙂

    4. Invisible_Kiwi +2

      I’m excited about starting my third year at university on Monday.
      I didn’t have a great time towards the end of last year. I had to resit some exams over the summer because I freaked out and didn’t hand in the coursework which was like 40% of the mark. The experience of re-sitting the exams was awful, but also kind of cathartic. I was also able to change my degree to better reflect the stuff I like and am good at.
      So yeah…bring on third year!

  41. SmrtCookie +6

    Has anyone fostered pets for their local shelter? I was super into the idea until I talked to someone who had fostered for another shelter and her experience was overwhelmingly negative. I’m guessing experiences vary from shelter to shelter so I’d love to hear about more people’s experiences.

    1. PierrePoutine +3

      I will chime in because I have some experience here. Do you have other pets? I fostered kittens on several occasions and they always had the rhino respiratory virus, which is contagious and would most likely infect any other cats in your home. You’ll want to be crystal clear with them on the division of responsibilities; are you splitting food costs? What about medical costs? Be really clear on what your boundaries are. Most shelters/charities do actually want to establish a decent relationship so you’ll foster for them again in the future. I would totally do it again, especially because I know how and what to negotiate with them. Do you know anyone else who has fostered for that particular shelter?

      1. SmrtCookie +3

        I don’t have pets now, but I’ve had them in the past which is why I was thinking it would be a good time to foster. The shelter seems to be very well-run, their website has clear guidelines for foster homes and they provide most things- food, litterbox and litter or crate, medical care, etc. But I don’t know anyone who’s fostered for them in the past so they could be not as together as they seem. Also slightly worried I’ll want to keep the animals…

        1. PierrePoutine +4

          That sounds promising. Guidelines offer something you can point to if they ask more of you than you are willing to give.

          It’s also good to have a strategy for avoiding guilt trips. I have oodles of respect for people who run shelters/animal charities but they are usually overwhelmed and *sometimes* use guilt to coax people into adopting or caring for pets, at least in my experience.

        2. parlato1973 +5

          one thing i tell myself repeatedly about fostering is: i am helping more cats than i could ever keep, so they have to go. it doesn’t stop the attachment, because you’re care-taking and that creates a bond. you will stress-cry at the parting with each one, but it’s still worth it.

          i think having no pets is a great time to foster. there is a lot of learning that goes into it, so if you go ahead with it and want to talk, i’m happy to anytime. the org i work with, kitten rescue, is a network of volunteers and they are very supportive about different situations. they also have an extensive questionnaire that has helped weed out less-than-desirable adopters, and given us lots of topic openers so we can find good homes. if i were in your situation, working directly with shelters has far fewer rules for adoption, so you might look at the questionnaire and pick a handful of questions for each adopter. i have been lucky with people i adopt to staying in touch and sending pics and follow-ups, that feels really good.

    2. parlato1973 +4

      I haven’t fostered for a shelter, but I’m working with a group that scoops adoptable pets from shelters and fosters for adoption. In this case, fosters host pets in their homes and work with med holders and vet coordinators to get medical care, some of which is reimbursable, to a limit. Personally, I haven’t taken any shelter pets, since I’m still working on cleaning up my neighborhood stray litters, but I think it depends on the group, and while the stresses of new pets in the house is unavoidable, the organization has been a positive experience for me.

      Mainly, be prepared to pay out of pocket for supplies, like food and litter and toys, but I am working with kittens and it’s so so so fun to have a bunch of kittens and get them homes.

    3. newglasses +1

      Fostering can be very rewarding, but it can be very hard, too. It does very much depend on the shelter you work with and your expectations of what it will be like. I don’t foster anymore, for various reasons, but it is definitely a worthwhile thing to do.

      If you are worried about wanting to keep all your fosters, well, you will, ha!, but the shelter should have a policy in place for such a contingency. Many, most? shelters will not allow you to foster for a period of months, sometimes a year or more, if you adopt any foster animal. This is to try to weed out anyone with pet hoarding tendencies. Also, though, think about what you want out of a pet, and how many pets you realistically can handle. (I currently have an extra cat, and though I have space and money to care for her, no fosters and definitely no other pets of *any* kind until I am back down to the cat family I plan on having.)

      Make sure it’s very clear about what is to be done in medical emergencies or illness. This *will* happen, and better to know that you call XYZ than to wonder whether to call the shelter or take them to the emergency vet (which the shelter probably won’t reimburse you for). That’s not to be negative, but animals do get sick, even in the best situations. I personally am more willing to ‘donate’ food, litter, toys, etc. for fosters, but emergency vet bills are more than I want/can afford to pay for a foster(s), and most shelters have some kind of arrangement with a local vet, if they don’t have a vet on staff.

      Like I said, fostering is very rewarding, but it’s not a casual thing to do, either. 🙂

    4. deleted8734219 +1

      I have not, but I have cared for my friend’s foster cats while she’s been out of town, and she has had an overwhelmingly positive experience with her specialty cat rescue org. She’s cared for and adopted out three kittens, a middle-aged cat, and then another kitten, and has (by choice) been fostering an unadoptable end-of-life special needs cat for over a year. She has been very supported in resources and availability, which I think has been aided by the fact that the shelter is within walking distance, which means she’s able to go in at least once a week to volunteer and check on the adoption & resource situation. I think if you’re super involved, the more likely they are to be involved, so there may be a deterrent there if you don’t have a ton of time, but apart from a bit of weirdness in the adoption process (the org gives out her home address to strangers, and though this is with her express consent every time, she still is unsupported when people come to view the cats, which feels a bit unsafe to her), she has only ever recommended fostering to others.

  42. annecara +5

    Toasties, I’m meeting with my OB/GYN next week to discuss getting an IUD. What are some good questions I should ask her? What are some things you wish you’d known/asked?

    1. thesarahgirl +14

      Ask if they’ll give you any painkillers/cervix softeners!! Mine didn’t and when I learned it was an option later, I got very angry. Also, see if they recommend a particular time to come in and have it inserted – mine recommended a day or two into your period because the cervix is already slightly open and lower (easier to access), but their policies may vary.

      Also, and it is VERY unlikely you’ll need this information, but I would ask what their course of action would be if you became pregnant while the IUD was in. Unfortunately, I did several years ago, and it was very scary on multiple levels, but partly because I had no clue how dangerous (or not) it was, if they’d have to remove it, that I would need a transvaginal ultrasound, etc. I just heard “99.1% effective, it’s a great option!” and that was it.

    2. loren_smith +4

      I have a mirena (man I can’t spell) and I wish I had know how it would affect my acne. I’ve never had good skin, and I ended up struggling with some nasty cystic acne months 6-12. I’m on month 12 now, and with trial and error of topicals I seem to have it under control, but I would have appreciated a heads up. My doctor says she has removed a few because the women can’t stand what it did to their skin.

      1. catoclock +6

        Oh, this is interesting. My skin has been a little wacky ever since I had my mirena put in a couple years ago. I always assumed it was the result of going off the pill rather than the IUD itself.

    3. SmrtCookie +8

      Ask her to walk through exactly what the steps of the procedure will be and which ones might hurt, either this visit or at the beginning of the insertion visit. Also, when I went to my ob/gyn to discuss getting an IUD we both agreed it was a good fit and she offered to do it right then and there. Yours may not, but I was definitely not prepared for that!

      1. bird_internet +5

        Yeah, definitely ask about scheduling right off the bat. In my case the three separate appointments I had to make were a FAR bigger pain than the insertion itself.

      2. gentlehangovers +4

        Yes, agree with walk-through of the procedure! The first step with mine was some kind of uterus measuring and it hurt like crazy – more than the actual insertion.

        Also agree with taking the day off if you can. I actually felt fine after, but it was nice to just spend the afternoon on the couch. I had a little psychological weirdness, like , “there’s a THING in my uterus!” but it didn’t last long.

        I’ve lost track of where this reply is, but I love my IUD. It’s my favorite possession.

        1. tomatoskirt +2

          I got all the way through to the measuring step and had the IUD and everything but then it turned out my uterus was too small! All that uncomfortable cervix-opening for nothing!

        2. SmrtCookie +2

          That was exactly what I was thinking of. My doctor didn’t really tell me the steps. My uterus measuring was so painful that I had a mini panic attack when the doctor said “OK, now we can try to put it in.” I wish I would have known ahead of time the uterus measuring was excruciating but placement only took 45 seconds and was way less painful.

    4. FreeRangeMenses +7

      “May I please draw a smiley face on it before insertion so that I know my uterus is always happy?”
      JK, I’ve never had one put in, I have no wisdom.

    5. cuminafterall +5

      Make sure you’re a good candidate for one. Especially if you haven’t been pregnant before. IUDs come in a certain size, and it turns out that some women’s uteri are too small for them. I found out the hard way 🙁

    6. loren_smith +4

      Follow up advice! I asked for Ativan, an anti anxiety drug, and was chill to the point of blase-ness about the whole thing, which was amazing. I also worked out to the point of exhaustion in the days leading up to it, and then just reeeeeellllaxed for the next two days.

    7. jwhittz +5

      Everyone’s already posted the big ones: painkillers, follow-up, getting it while on your period.

      I want to add mine used a cervical block, which I really appreciated because it was pretty painless, but for the first hour or so afterwards I was shaking like a leaf from the drugs. Would still recommend it, my gyn said that before she started using it, her patients were in a lot of pain during insertion.

    8. fangstina +6

      Lots of great advice here!! Just wanted to say that I am loving my Mirena so far (I got it put in on Monday). I read so many horror stories about pain, bleeding, dislodging, etc. and I almost backed out before my appointment! But it’s honestly been great, and so I’m putting my positive experience out there :). I know I am very very lucky, and I hope it works for you too if you decide to get one!

    9. actualmeg +6

      I would maybe ask to go over the full range of options w/r/t long-term birth control. For example, if you do decide to get an IUD, copper vs. hormonal and the benefits and drawbacks of each.

      Also, I am kind of an evangelist about this, but I have an implant instead of an IUD and I really love it. The pain during and after insertion was really minimal, if that’s a concern of yours. (Plus, I like being able to feel exactly where it is under the skin, because I am the kind of paranoid person who, if I got an IUD, would be like “omg what if something weird is going on down there and I don’t realize it?”)

      1. Bothari +2

        Ah! That’s on my list of things to do. Was there any weirdness during the transitional period (no pun intended)? Every time I’ve switch birth controls, my body has gone wonky for a little while. I’m hoping this will finally be the right one and then I won’t have to worry about it for ages and ages.

        1. actualmeg +2

          No emotional issues or mood weirdness that I can think of. The main side effect is that my period got super irregular–I’ll have stretches of several months where I won’t get it at all, and then it’ll pick back up again on a semi-regular basis. (When it does happen, though, it’s pretty light and non-crampy, and I say that as someone who had ridiculously painful periods all through adolescence.) At first it made me a little uncomfortable, like “how do I know it’s working?” so I took a few pregnancy tests just to reassure myself. Statistically, though, it’s over 99% effective, so I’ve stopped worrying about that by now.

          1. Bothari +1

            Thank you! That sounds pretty close to what’s happening now. I got my next Depo shot just this morning, and I’ve been hoping that when the next one is due, I can do the implant instead.

    10. RudyRed +6

      Ask about the different kinds of IUDs. There are a few, more than just the Paraguard and the Mirena. For one, there’s the Skyla, which is like the Mirena but designed for smaller uteruses. If you aren’t suitable for the Mirena, the Skyla might work instead.

    11. Marizane +4

      Are you good at asking questions? maybe have just one/a couple that are most important to you to get answered? I know that I’m bad about asking questions of anyone and especially confident types, like doctors, who do tend to brush off concerns.

      My concerns were mostly about pain/discomfort and if-things-go-wrong type scenarios, but they can only help so much with the “WHAT IF I AM IMPREGNANTED WITH AN ALIEN IN MY ABDOMEN” scenarios, really. I would ask about cervix softeners and painkillers separately, what she usually prescribes. I ended up going to one doctor, and scheduling the procedure with another just to get it done, and having a nurse call and tell me to take misoprostol. I would look into misoprostol and ask the doctor why she recommends that – I did some reading and didn’t end up taking it for mine because all of the studies I read said misoprostol didn’t help with pain, complications, or ease of insertion and in some cases was actually worse but never better, and most doctors who prescribed it did it because of word-of-mouth, not because they read the literature. So I’m a cynic there! But if you can get some painkillers, might go for it. I think they usually just recommend taking an advil or something beforehand.

      Also my understanding is that pretty much all of the really bad effects (the IUD tearing something, or it migrating or something) would happen during insertion so if you’re worried maybe ask about the follow up procedure? Ask maybe what to do if you think you are pregnant on it or how you would know – I know the mirena has reduced my period to pretty-close to non-existent (success!) but if you are an anxious type, it does occur to wonder what the tip-off would be for an unexpected pregnancy. Or if going for the paraguard and worried about the cramping/pain/increased bleeding ask about what level they kind of expect vs. what would be unsually bad and how you can go about getting them to take it out (my friend still wasn’t comfortable with hers after a year of it so she took it out herself D: face forever)

    12. msjinxie +3

      ALSO! This is a thing nobody seems to talk about but thankfully a nice Toast Twitter person mentioned it as something that happened to her after her IUD insertion because it then happened to ME and I knew I wasn’t just imagining it: CONSTIPATION. I am normally Swiss clock regular but I was hella constipated for the first 3 or so weeks after I got mine in. It was Not Fun. I drank Get Regular tea at carefully-planned intervals, took my probiotics, tried and failed to eat prunes, and eventually things got normal again but it took time. When I mentioned it to my NP at my follow up she said, yeah it’s a thing that can happen – considering the hormones involved – no big, nothing to worry about. If I hadn’t known at least one person who had the same thing happen after their insertion I would have pretty panicked.

      1. thesarahgirl +4

        I had this as well, but I think it was mostly because I was scared of straining too much and pushing the IUD out… 😡

        1. msjinxie +2

          It may have been partly this for me – once I got my strings trimmed, I wasn’t as “aware” the IUD was in there so I could probably relax a little – but there was definitely something more going on. Nothing. Was. Moving. I will never take my regularity for granted again.

  43. thelaureno +2

    Toasties, I asked y’all on OT a while ago about kickstarter– I’m still plugging away at my research on doing a good one for my next album & thought I’d ask again.

    I’m especially interested in the experience of the backer– Have you ever backed a kickstarter? Did you have a good experience? If so why, and if not, what are some things to avoid?

    (and if you’ve run one yourself, have any advice?)

    1. octopoda +4

      I’ve backed a few, and have a few I’m backing now. I’ve been satisfied with my experience, they are / were all pretty popular ones that delivered well on their promises. I’m also pretty laid back about backing, so it doesn’t really bother me if there are delays or unexpected problems.

    2. Eris +1

      I’ve backed something like six kickstarters, and I’ve had a good experience each time. The main point of advice I’d give is to communicate with your backers – good news and bad news. As long as you’re upfront and transparent about what’s going on, being willing to share information about delays/unexpected snags/what have you is the key to making sure your backers are happy.

      I actually just finished listening to an episode of a podcast called Dirty Old Ladies (so called because they draw sometimes-nsfw comics) where three comic professionals talk about their experiences running their kickstarters, how to run it, and what to avoid. It’s the podcast’s 2nd episode, and even though you’re not kickstarting a book, it’s super comprehensive and very good information.

  44. perianwen +9

    Toastfolk! I think I am finally going to be able to move this year. AT LONG LAST. Ex’s job situation is more stable, and I think that’s my exit cue.

    Also, I dyed my hair in what were supposed to be autumn colours last night, but the orange at the bottom didn’t take. So I may post a picture in the replies so you can sort of see my attempt, but it’s not what I meant it to look like (and boy is it hard to dye your own hair multiple colours when it’s this short).

    1. keristars +3

      tbh it’s hard to dye my hair ANY color when it’s short. it’s really hard to get the mirrors right when you only have two hands and one arm keeps blocking the view >.< i don’t know why i find it easier with long hair, but i do get the dye more evenly distributed with no missed spots (maybe because it’s long, it hides the mistakes better?)

      also, yay for job and moving situations improving and looking up!

    2. CleverManka +13

      You can’t just say things like “dyed my hair and it didn’t go as expected” without posting pics. COME ON.

          1. perianwen +1

            It was meant to be the dark brown on the top, the red in the middle, and then orange at the bottom. But the orange just did not cooperate AT ALL, I don’t think it mixed properly because it didn’t really change colour in the bottle until much later. So I might have to retry that part in a week or so. We’ll see.

            This was so much easier with longer hair.

  45. ramina +5

    Toastfriends I have been absent the past few weeks due to loads and loads of fieldwork, and I may come back to the thread later today after I am out of work to talk about some issues going on there that make me want to cry a lot, BUT.

    If any NYC/North Jersey area Toasties are into video games and conventions and meeting other Toasties, my sisters and I will be holding down the fort at the Iron Bunny booth at A Video Game Convention in Parsippany tomorrow! There’s a ton of vendors, open tournaments, and free play arcade machines and it is run by a buddy of mine from college and should be an A+ good time.

  46. iosognodisonno +17

    After four unsuccessful offers (for homes I really liked), I’m finally under contract for a home! I’m so ready to be past the stress of house hunting and settled into a my cute new home (assuming all goes well during the next month before we close).

    It’s nice to have some good news after a rough few months. I hope many others of you have good news (or will soon if you’re currently stuck in the rough-few-months stage of things).

    2. truffleuffagus +1

      Congratulations! I hope the next month is as stress free as possible and everything goes smoothly. Then you’ll own a really awesome important thing and you can do whatever you want to it. Hooray!

  47. KatPruska +11

    Ups and downs this week. Run smack into institutional boundaries (health insurance company and their completely illogical rules) trying to get back on the medication that means I can live my life like an actual human person instead of distracted magpie (btw, anyone who’s ever taken Adderall recreationally? Fuck you for making my life harder! I hope next time you have a really horrible headache that it lasts for a week and there’s nary a single painkiller to be found), and wound-up dropping $70 on what should be a $10 script because my doctor wasn’t in the office and was unavailable to give these assholes whatever further information they need about me to decide whether or not they approve of my treatment.

    But, I have my pills now, so that’s good. AND, I ran into someone who I thought was ghosting me since last October, and it turns out our phones are being jerks to each other and we’ve both been texting into the ether and feeling rejected. This is huge, since my Brooklyn friends refuse to visit me in New Jersey, and local social contact is so vital to my mental health. Plus, it’s in time to make her adorable five year old another Halloween costume! She was a mermaid last year, and this year she wants to be a “princess mermaid,” but I’m pretty sure mermaid got tossed in there because she connected me with the costume from last year, so maybe I get to make a frothy little dress instead.

    Also had my first of two appointments for a deep gum cleaning. Yikes. The four times she stuck me with that needle full of anesthetic hurt more than the gum digging, which I know because my upper jaw didn’t get numb at all. Is the anesthetic really necessary for this procedure? Has anyone skipped it? She either went too deep or just hit a sensitive spot with that needle, because my jaw feels bruised as hell while my gums are fine.

    My Dad made me a blanket chest out of cherry wood from his own property that he had milled and dried in his barn, and processed all himself (apart from the sawmill part, obviously), and I am so so excited that he’s bringing it to me next week. He is very into hand woodworking techniques (he of the homemade wood & string lathe) and I’m going to take a photo of him with it and submit it to DAD Magazine; hopefully he’ll be wearing a Hawaiian shirt, khaki cargo shorts, black socks, and Tevas. We are also going to the Red Bulls vs Orlando City-FC game next Friday. It’s going to be an awesome parental visit!

    1. jennycieplak +4

      It sounds like on the whole there are more ups and downs! You and your dad sound like awesome creators of cool stuff! And the pain from your gums will go away. I’m sorry about the pills. But people sometimes prescribe them like crazy and that makes it worse! A psych once tried to prescribe me Ritalin for a time when I was super tired all the time, and I was like, no, I do not think this is what I need…

      1. KatPruska +5

        Oh, man, the fallibility of mental health professionals. “Well, it’s a stimulant I guess…” Cocaine would wake you up too! 😉 And I had to argue hard with my new psych doc about the affect the amphetamines have on me, which is exactly the opposite of revving me up and keeping me awake. It calms my brain right down and I can see the world clearly. It’s not the people who have legit prescriptions, even if over-prescribed. It’s dumbass high school and college kids selling their pills for $5 a pop and the ensuing ever-restrictive rules about these meds that mess it up for the rest of us.

        I hope you found out why you were so tired and that you feel better now!

        1. saffiedarling +2

          UGHHHHHHH

          My city is full of law students and three local psychs have been struck off for over-prescribing in the last year or two. Now I have to go interstate to the nearest big city because the only local psych willing to deal with adult ADHD patients has a 6 month waiting list.

          Ritalin makes me feel so much more in control of my life and able to make the connection between things like ‘my dishes are dirty’ and ‘do them’ without the paralysing detours through every other thing in my house that ends with me overwhelmed and playing candy crush for three hours instead. Sadly, it (and dex) also gives me a hella annoying eye twitch so we’re experimenting with non-stimulant medication and boooooo.

          1. KatPruska +1

            God that is so much bullshit, I am so so sorry. Counting my blessings that at least I can stay local. My heart rate can sometimes get a little bit elevated, but the Strattera was a bust for me and at the moment I’m okay with the physical side affects.

            This new doctor was nice enough, but it’s like he couldn’t grasp the idea that my depression and anxiety (diagnosed at 7, 20 years later, hey, this is actually because you have unmanaged ADHD) lift when I’m on the stimulant med because yes, LIFE CONTROL instead of swirling around in my cloudy-ass head, getting bits and pieces of my to-do list done but never seeing a project through to completion from start to finish, the massive underachievement that is the hallmark of my once suuuuper promising (at least academically) life. I’m finally past feeling like I’m a huge disappointment to everyone, but my self-esteem is still not awesome. He said I felt less depressed because it’s a stimulant and basically makes me high. :-/

            I’m not sure I want to stick with this guy long term, since he doesn’t seem to have the firmest grasp of what this is all about. If I had any confidence anymore I’d go back to college for psychology, because I would be a hell of an empathetic ADD therapist. Most therapists are nuts too, right? (I just did a count and he’s the tenth mental health professional I’ve dealt with; I genuinely thought there were more than that; my whole entire life feels like one long therapy session wherein I’ve never fully been understood).

          2. RuncibleSpoon +2

            honestly, you might be an amazing psychologist because you’ve got solid experience on the other side of the desk. my mom went back for a mft degree while i was in college, and her experience advocating for me and my brother (nld for me, you sound a lot like him) in schools, etc, was really solid preparation for being a really great ally and advocate for the kids she sees now.

          3. neuromanticism +2

            If I had any confidence anymore I’d go back to college for psychology, because I would be a hell of an empathetic ADD therapist

            this is literally exactly what I’m doing and I’ve survived almost half the degree so far

            Also, in my experience, most psychologists aren’t nuts ENOUGH. Psychology is prestigious, so psychologists tend to be like other people in prestigious professions. Most of them are privileged and safe and happy and don’t know what it’s like to have someone else judge whether you “need” the meds that let you not be disabled. They are very sympathetic, but they still believe that the world runs on common sense, that the truth is in the middle and stuff like that. Many have to hit the textbooks just to learn what it’s like to be UNsafe and UNhappy, and they think of people like you and me as “populations”.

            Psychology is dehumanising, unless you actively choose to use your imagination. As a numbers nerd, I love quantification and I love how statistics heavy this science is, but at least I can picture somewhat what it’s like to be the human beings behind the numbers, and there are so many psychologists (including experienced ones) who just… can’t. They can predict how the person might behave, but not what it feels like to be driven to behave like that. They can’t taste the fear or the fury or the grief. If you can, we need you.

            The good part is that you don’t need confidence to pass the classes, you just need to be where they tell you to be, read what they tell you to read and then write it on the exam. You don’t have to BELIEVE that you can do it, you just have to do it. No one sees what’s inside your head, they can’t test your faith. “Believing in yourself” is a lie. Choosing what to do is much easier than changing what to feel, and you don’t need the right feeling to be able to do stuff, that’s a cultural myth (don’t believe me? This is the science behind CBT).

            In short: come be crazy with me, let’s become psychologists. Hit me up in the open threads if you want. We probably don’t live in the same country, but I support everybody’s efforts to learn psychology, especially my siblings-in-arms like you. (Really, I think everyone has a Right to know about the brain, in the same way that we as feminists want women to know about their reproduction – people have a right to know themselves!)

      1. KatPruska +4

        Thank you. And mine to the Burgomaster! My new doctor was almost veering into, “Adults don’t have ADHD” territory and I nearly burst into tears. I had to accept an anti-depressant script as well, since he didn’t believe me that my anxiety and depression lift when I’m on my meds and feeling in control of my life, but c’est la vie and at least I got my pills.

  48. catoclock +17

    Running Toasts! It is thisclose to being fall in New England and every time I go out lately I feel like I could run for a MILLION MILES. I am a truly mediocre runner but this time of year makes me feel like an Olympian/superhero.

    2. mmsees +2

      I miss fall running, it’s the best!

      Does anyone have any advice/ideas for getting out of a running rut? I ran a half this summer and then went on vacation and then got busy with lab and just haven’t been running at all. I’ve been doing some other exercise, but not enough, and it seems like it’s all just caught up with me and I’m feeling very gross. The few times I have gone running though I feel just so heavy and out of shape and discouraged by short distances being so challenging. I feel like the answer is almost certainly “just go and run and deal with the hard part” but any other advice for actually dealing with said hard part?

      1. catoclock +3

        Yeah, I tend to get into a good running groove from like April through November and then completely fall off during the winter (because New England). Then I’m always super frustrated when I pick it back up again because I WAS in shape before I stopped running for like four months, why is it HARD now????? I get through it mostly by 1. obsessively maintaining the world’s best running playlist and 2. refusing to allow myself to have any expectations whatsoever re: distance and speed. Running can be a giant mind game for me, so the less I let myself think about it the better.

      2. EggplantGrl +1

        I started using the Nike Training Club app and you can add running. I think the 2x weekly workouts (they come with the program and they’re comparable to what I experienced with a trainer, soreness wise) really helped get me get my stride back more quickly than usual.
        It had me start with 3 miles 2x a week, and over 4 weeks I’ll gradually move up to 5 miles. They also have little “youre doing great!” shout-outs during the run, which are cheesy by make me happy.

      3. cuminafterall +4

        When I’m feeling discouraged with my running outcomes (distance/pace/speed), I refocus on the things I like about the process. I like that I get to be alone and listen to podcasts and see the “regulars” on my usual running path (the identical twin joggers, the guy who runs in full West African robes).

        I also make consistency my main goal. Like, I WILL run for 30 minutes, 3 times a week. But seriously, you don’t have to run if you’re not feeling it right now. Maybe you feel more like yoga, or lifting weights or cycling. You could just make your goal consistency with movement in general, and say “I will do some kind of exercise for X minutes, X days a week.”

      4. intrplanetjanet +2

        Seconding what others have recommended. I am a total flake when it comes to exercise, so I have lots of experience with falling out of good exercise/running habits and scrambling to get back into them. Just try to be kind to yourself when you do manage to get out or on a treadmill: don’t kick yourself for not hitting your usual pace or going as far as you were a month or two ago. That will come back within a few runs, so just take comfort in that and enjoy the run, however you usually do when you aren’t thinking about how far or fast you’re going. When I’m trying to get back into running, it also helps for me to think of it as multitasking: I’m not running to hit a pace or mileage target. I am using this stretch of free time to get some fresh air/listen to this podcast/reacquaint myself with this band I love/space out and dream plan my next vacation, and I’m being efficient and virtuous and good to my body by trotting around the neighborhood while I do that.

    3. femaelstrom +3

      YESSS I went for a run on Monday when it was actually almost cool outside and felt AMAZING. I’ve never been able to stick with fitness routines, but I feel like it’s becoming more of a habit, which is so great. I can feel my stamina improving and I don’t feel hopelessly out of shape anymore – a very new feeling for me. I really hope I can stick to it as the weather gets colder.

      I use Zombies, Run! because I find running hopelessly boring unless zombies are chasing me and Australians are yelling at me. Anyone else?

      1. laurenipsum +1

        Zombies yes! I turned off the zombie chases actually because the first time I used the app and the zombies came on, I was in a walking portion of Couch to 5k, but the zombies stressed me out so much that I had to sprint. So no more chases, for now. But I love the app! I’m only on season 2 still.

    4. cuminafterall +2

      Yes! I logged my 4th-fastest-ever time for 3-5 miles this morning, and it was entirely because it’s finally under 70 degrees at 7 AM.

      I got more into running last October, right as the weather was cooling down, and was running like the wind by March. In May/June I got SUPER discouraged as my pace started inching back up. I made myself stay with it because I knew that heat acclimatization was a thing, and I’d get fast again (maybe even faster) in the fall if I got accustomed to running in the summer. But the best part of learning to run in the heat was discovering how much I loved to run in the cold.

  49. m98widow +5

    Video Game Thread! What are you playing?

    I am playing The Taken King update for Destiny. We started off on a bad foot, because my plan was to skip the House of Wolves expansion entirely and buy the $40 TTK update, but you can’t do that. If you don’t buy House of Wolves, you have to get the $60 version.

    BUT. It is so much better than vanilla Destiny! The very first mission had so much personality! I actually laughed at dialogue – dialogue that was meant to be funny. I’m glad Bungie finally realized that the best way to make Destiny engaging is MORE NATHAN FILLION.

    1. octopoda +4

      Man I haven’t played anything lately despite having a lot sitting on Steam, but that will all change when Fallout 4 drops.

    2. BourneApprox +5

      Thanks to Trespasser, I have fallen off the Dragon Age wagon (or maybe it’s the “No Dragon Age” wagon?), and I’m starting Origins for a third go-round (last time was two years ago). This time I am modding the SHIT out of it, adding tons of hair and clothing mods, plus gameplay tweaks and such. This time I will not be stopping myself from romancing Alistair again. Chriiiiiist this is unhealthy for me. Eeeeeeh….whatever. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

      1. literarysara +1

        Report back! I just replayed from Origins and its EPs and DA2 in preparation for gifting myself Inquisition for Christmas. It was fun, but also kind of unsatisfying? This may be the outcome of my character decisions–I was playing a watch-the-world-burn type, but the payoff for my completionist tendencies isn’t great–or it may simply be hard to go back to a less self-aware and inclusive time in Dragon Ages past.

    3. RudyRed +6

      I think I might return to Skyrim for a little while. I tend to do that when the weather starts getting colder. I’ve also been replaying Mirror’s Edge. The gameplay is fun, but oh my god I forgot how terrible the plot is. But whatever – I get to pretend I can hardcore parkour.

      1. Bunburying +4

        I started a new Skyrim game this week, for similar reasons. I like to play it in the fall/winter with my window open a crack and the chill seeping in a little while my character crunches through the snow on the Throat of the World. 🙂

        Sadly, it is still 85 degrees here, so that didn’t work out precisely as planned…

      2. sausagedog +3

        Haha, Skyrim weather. Like sweater weather, but slightly nerdier! Ah, Skyrim and hot mulled cider sound like a great weekend plan.

        I need to restart my Skyrim game. I got a decent way in using my boyfriend’s copy, but I bought it recently (along with every single other TES game) and finally have a laptop that will play it. And I actually beat Morrowind & am halfway through Oblivion in the meantime, so I have a slightly better idea of my own play style than I did when I started that character.

    5. sausagedog +1

      I just kinda got into Hearthstone? There’s an iPad app and I just find it very fun and relaxing. Games are short, and it’s pretty simple to pick up, and they don’t let people talk to you except with polite, canned phrases, so it’s not like other online gaming.

      My roommate is super into it so he’s been helping me build decks, which is also nice.

  50. Ethylbenzene +8

    Hey, does anyone want to rap about vegetarian cooking? One of my favorite things is adapting meaty recipes without relying on faux meats, and today I’m making some “corned tempeh” so as to enjoy reubens for dinner. What are you up to?

    1. octopoda +4

      I’m not vegetarian but often cook veg for friends who are (and also we are trying to reduce our meat intake to once or twice a week). Our latest most successful one was a yakisoba stir fry with ramen noodles, carrots, onion, broccoli, napa cabbage, and green onion, plus yakisoba sauce (I just got a bottle). Quick and really tasty.

      1. Ethylbenzene +4

        The Wegmans by my house just started carrying a ton of new Asian noodles, so I’m excited to give them a try! What’s in yakisoba sauce? Is it something I could make myself?

        1. octopoda +2

          Vegetables and fruits (it is a fairly sweet sauce). Sometimes it has oyster sauce in it too so watch for that if getting it in the bottle, I found one without.

          I haven’t tried making the sauce, looks like that might be a little trick: http://www.seriouseats.com/2010/08/condiments-in-…

          This is the recipe I used for the Yakisoba (added broccoli):
          http://norecipes.com/recipe/yakisoba-recipe/

          They call for chuno sauce, but in my grocery it was just called yakisoba sauce.

    2. mmsees +2

      I have been in a bit of a food rut lately, so I’d love to hear what other people are up to. Do you guys have food blogs you like? Cookbooks you find really inspiring?

      Because of the aforementioned rut I haven’t made much that’s very interesting, but I did manage to make some pretty tasty tofu this week (baked and then briefly stir fried, very crispy and delicious).

      1. Ethylbenzene +1

        I have this guy’s cookbook and really like it — pretty unique stuff, which I’m a huge fan of.

        ETA – I especially like that he does more with the concept of “global” than just “here’s some vaguely Asian-inspired tofu and noodle things.”

      3. fenixdawn +1

        I’ve also been really into checking cookbooks out from the library recently. I’ll get a huge pile, thumb through them until I find something inspiring, and just pick out some random stuff to make. It is fun, and going through the library means I haven’t financially committed to cookbooks that end up unused on the bookshelf because they turn out to be duds.

      4. fangstina +2

        I like going to the supermarket and picking out an unfamiliar vegetable. that’s how I started cooking lotus root, and now it’s one of my favorite things to prepare!

    3. lemontx +8

      I read your first sentence and I was reeeally hoping this would be a discussion about cooking tofu set to a sick beat.

        1. RuncibleSpoon +6

          yo, i’m MC Braggs, and i’m here to state
          i’ll add some new amino acids to the top of your plate

          ….i’m so sorry

    4. themegnapkin +5

      Does everyone know about aquafaba? The water in cans of beans that you would normally throw away, but if you do things with it it acts like egg white? A friend and I made this recipe last weekend: http://www.morselsandmoonshine.com/blog/2015/6/3/…

      And I made mayonnaise with it, and it also tastes good as a substitute for egg whites in cocktails.

      ETA: it’s magic–I don’t even like cooking that much and I’m super excited about this.

      1. amanita +1

        REALLY. I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out if this was an internet joke, but I love chickpeas so I’m all in now.

      2. jimmyjimjimjim +2

        Very interesting. I invented a chocolate bean pie recipe a few years back but I have no idea what the eggs in the recipe actually do so I’ve never bothered figuring out how to make it vegan. I might try that.

      3. Ethylbenzene +1

        I am cooking a bunch of chickpeas this week so I plan to play with it, especially since I can no longer digest eggs, apparently.

    5. poppy

      I got this great cook book called “Afro-Vegan” by Bryant Terry. He adapted recipes from the African diaspora, and they are delicious. I’m an omnivore but I love just love recipes that make veggies shine. And I cannot stand vegetarian restaurants that make a meat dish but just replace meat with tofu. Meat brings umami and fat and protein and texture and flavor. Without meat, you have to CHANGE THE RECIPE to supply all those elements from veggies. I also recommend a quick read of the cookbook “Dirt Candy” by Amanda Cohen (I love her suggestion of using dehydrated powdered veggies to amp up the flavor of a whole roasted veggie), and a purchase of the classic “Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone” by Deborah Madison. Yeah, I’m kind a cookbook addict…

  51. mkmorrow +29

    Season 3 of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries now available on Netflix!

    (This is a public service announcement.)

      1. Ethylbenzene +7

        Yasssss. Also, Hugh, get it together for fuck’s sake! You will never find anyone as amazing as Dot so get over yourself!

      2. Thujaplicata +6

        Dot is my hero! I’m 5 episodes in and I do kind of want to slap Hugh though. Jack seems to feel the same way, so I’m sure things will get sorted shortly.

      1. KatPruska +8

        Unnnnnf, that dude. Every episode I’m just screaming at the screen: JUST DO IT ALREADY OH MY GOD!!

          5. KatPruska +6

            His voice!

            The actor also used to be a pro-cyclist, and whichever episode he wears a bathing suit…dude’s got mighty thighs, is all I’m sayin’.

    4. Thujaplicata +3

      Netflix emailed me at 9pm on Tuesday night to tell me this. I was up until almost midnight watching the first 2 episodes. I have no regrets.

  52. testingwithfire +10

    Musician thread?

    My banjo teacher and I are about to embark on adapting one of Erik Satie’s “Trois Morceaux En Forme de Poivre.” Yep, Satie on a five-string banjo. I was inspired a few weeks ago when “Badlands” was on TCM; there’s a wonderful xylophone adaptation of “En Plus (Calme)” near the end of the movie. Sadly, the “Badlands” soundtrack isn’t available outside of watching the movie, but the movie is worth it.

    I’ve been working on a French lullaby (played and sung) for a while now. I’m probably going to run it by a friend and if I get brave enough I might bring it to an open mic.

  53. constancecg +101

    Toasties, I wrote a book and this week I signed with a literary agent! I am holding off posting anything on social media until I actually have the signed papers in my hand, for I am superstitious, but I wanted to tell people somewhere. *flings confetti* I’m a lady authoress!!!

  54. Frumiosa +119

    YOU GUYS I’M PREGNANT. I have PCOS and am supposed to be completely unable to conceive without intervention – the only way I’ve done it before to have my two sons. MY BODY DOES NOT OVULATE UNLESS DRUGS TELL IT TO. I THOUGHT. I was feeling constantly nauseous and then my boobs starting hurting and I was like naaaah but I’ll pee on a stick to rule it out — and guess what. 10 WEEKS WHAAAAAAAAT.
    I’m happy but I’m still not over the shock. Send good vibes (and maybe girl vibes? a daughter would be nice). Thank God my family is in a good place to be able to figure this out.

    2. KatPruska +13

      OMG OMG OMG congratulations and OMG!!! So many happy thoughts to you and your family and your wee little hitch-hiker!

      (My father referred to me in utero as Cletus the Fetus, if you’re looking for a ridiculous nickname)

  55. Carrie +13

    I was super excited Jolie Kerr’s Ask A Clean Person is back for season 2! I loved her on the Hairpin and then always forget to check for her on Deadspin, so I am very happy to have her sensible tips back in my life.

  56. stirringsofconsciousness +2

    Toasties, any advice for house-hunting? We’re in the very earliest stages of it now — we don’t need to move until May, but we’re about to start looking at houses and I’m not sure what to look for.

    1. KatPruska +3

      Are you buying? Besides checking out your own credit scores and stuff before applying for financing, I’d say don’t skimp on the inspections. Get the general home inspection, but also anything more specialty – we also had a chimney guy come out, and I should have trusted my instincts and had the big trees in the yard looked at, and maybe a mold specialist if you have any reason to suspect issues like that. It can get a little expensive, but it’s probably cheaper than fixing some large-scale and undisclosed problem. And always always always be prepared to walk away.

      We were really dumb and fell in love with our weird little house from the photos, and even the cat pee stench didn’t put us off, but next time we buy we’re going to be much more thorough. A little bit of dry rot behind the deck turned into a $15k job because the dry rot extended the entire length of the house and into the wall studs, to the point of having to cut 8 inches off the bottoms of the studs and reinforcing the wall before rebuilding the deck. We would have gone in much lower than asking price if we’d known it would be that extensive.

    2. fenixdawn +3

      Make a list of what you’d like in a house, and then think long and hard about your priorities. Then decide which are your must-haves and what are the deal breakers. Depending on the competitiveness of your market, it may or may not be hard to find houses that fit your requirements, but it is a good idea to have a clear idea of the things you definitely do and do not want.

      1. iosognodisonno +1

        Yes, this. If you plan to be in this house long-term, think in terms of which things you can change to make the house more yours (e.g. the type of flooring) vs the things you’re stuck with (e.g. size/space issues).

    3. SmrtCookie +3

      Get pre-approved for a mortgage before you even start looking at houses. Once you get pre-approved take a hard look at the estimated monthly payment and see if that’s actually do-able with your budget. Also get a buyer’s agent!

      1. parlato1973 +1

        this! you can’t make a single move to buy until you’re preapproved, so find out what you qualify to borrow. use an amortization calculator [lots of sites have forms that do this] and calculate your payment on the highest limit of what you are approved to borrow. figure out what’s affordable and keep that number in mind, shop a bit below it because you’ll be spending lots of unexpected money, i promise.

        think about the type of house and area you want, and then ask friends who have bought about their agents. we happened to have a fantastic friend who knew all about the area we wanted and about different strategies for buying fixer homes [since the loans tend to be different, as fixers don’t qualify for conventional out of the gate]. a lot of your success will depend on your agent, how experienced they are with transactions and how much they serve what you want vs. trying to close a sale.

        and mainly, if you’re in a competitive area [are you?] get ready for an emotional rollercoaster. it’s very stressful. hopefully you’re in a nice normal place where you can conceivably offer a fair price and expect to get accepted, but if you’re in a hot market, you’ll be so glad when it’s over!

        ETA: to get preapproved, you’ll work with a mortgage broker, but i wouldn’t just go find one on your own. real estate agents usually have favorite people they like, and ours had one who specialized in this wacky fixer loan we needed, so I’d say do the research on your agent first, then get their reccs for a mortgage broker, and get preapproved.

        1. SmrtCookie +2

          Also! When you’re figuring out your monthly payment it’s not just your mortgage, it will be property taxes, homeowners insurance, and possibly HOA fees and private mortgage insurance. So be careful when using an internet calculator, some of them don’t take all that into account and you’ll be sad later.

          1. parlato1973 +2

            it’s true! you’ll want to look up what the property insurance taxes are in your state [in ours it’s 1.2%] and look into general property insurance. if you’re not going straight conventional, you’ll have mortgage insurance which is also based on a percentage of what you’re borrowing. in my expensive state, this can result in hundreds per month, which you either elect for an impound account where they collect it with your mortgage payment monthly and pay for you, or you save for yourself and deal with as it comes up. but absolutely, there will always be something else to spend money on.

    4. iosognodisonno +1

      See if there’s a down payment assistance plan in your city. A friend recommended it and it turned out I didn’t qualify, but if you do it could help a lot.

      Based purely on my own experience, I wish I’d been more aggressive in the offers I made on the first few houses I saw and loved. But then I’m in an extremely competitive market and didn’t know how much I was going up against investors until a couple of houses. If you love a house (and your market is anything like the one in Austin), have a serious conversation with your real estate agent about how fast houses go in the area and how competitive this one might be and be willing to go higher than market value if it comes to it. That may be terrible advice wherever you live though.

    5. jimmyjimjimjim +1

      Toasties: how do you get a house inspected and how much does it cost? I’m at a point where I keep looking at Redfin and thinking “I could actually afford that” but I have no idea how much I should expect to have to spend in the actual hunt.

      1. SmrtCookie +2

        Inspection costs will vary based on where you are, how big the house is, and what all inspections you get done. My general inspection was about $350. It turned up possible foundation issues so that was another hundo. And the house was in an area known for having terrible plumbing so that was another $200 I think. I didn’t do radon or lead-based paint but those are more cash. But cash well spent! In my town it’s also normal for the buyer to pay for the appraisal and closing costs, which will vary wildly!

      2. leslieellenjones +1

        Usually the agents–the one representing you and the one representing the owner–come up with the inspector. How much it costs depends on where you are. Your agent should be able to tell you. This is why the first thing you need to do is find a good agent who you can trust.

        1. jimmyjimjimjim +1

          > find a good agent who you can trust

          … well shit I don’t think I’m emotionally capable of that.

          renting it is then.

        2. SmrtCookie +1

          Seconding this. Get a good agent if this is your first time buying. Redfin is probably good for experienced people but maybe not so great for n00bs.

    6. Thujaplicata +1

      Once you start looking at houses, take pictures of the ridiculous things you see in some of the houses (and you will see ridiculous things). Having those pictures to look at when you’re burned out and feeling like you’ll never find the right house will help you keep going. At least that’s how it worked for me!

    7. eegghh +1

      Something no one does but I’d recommend, check in with your local planning/building and safety departments- it’s worth learning what the zoning is and if there are any open violations. I’ve definitely talked to people who buy a house only to find out the zone isn’t residential or they need to tear down an improvement a previous tenant made. Worth checking ahead of time if there’s any unresolved issues that your realtor might not even know.

  58. bird_internet +5

    Uggh, so I recently moved into a new apartment, and the landlord seems like an okay guy but kind of lax about things in general. Our lease was kind of vague but I had a clear verbal agreement with him that I could have cats in the apartment. Anyway, this week I feel totally in love with these two rescue kittens that had to be adopted as a pair. I went to my landlord seeking a written confirmation that my apartment is pet-friendly and now he’s insisting that I can only have one cat. I mean, I’m guess I’m lucky that he was willing to sign a pet clause at all, because I was kind of winging it with the whole verbal agreement thing. But COME ON DUDE. I am way more upset about this than I expected– I really wanted those kittens!

    1. parlato1973 +3

      the the low-down from your adoption people, they have a whole speil about how 1 kitten is way more destructive than 2, and maybe offer your landlord a bit more of a deposit. honestly i don’t know what the difference is between 1 or 2 cats, but maybe it’s worth a shot.

      1. bird_internet +2

        Yeah, I don’t want a cat that’s going to be lonely and restless all day, and I don’t know what the hell kind of damage the landlord thinks that two cats are going to do that one cat won’t.

        In the end, I think it’s my fault for even looking at adoptable pets before I had all my ducks in a row. Too easily to get emotionally invested in something that might not work out.

        1. parlato1973 +2

          well, there is the option of adopting one cat who is around 2 years old. once they get their kitten experiences behind them, their personalities and habits stabilize, and you will know exactly what you’re getting. plus, adult cats have a much lower adoption potential than kittens, so you’ll be doing a lot of good.

          another option, at least with the org i foster with, is fostering a special need cat. with our org, they have a sanctuary for cats that have slim chances of adoption, but if you foster them in your home, they pay for vet care, and it opens up a space at the sanctuary. sometimes special needs can be daunting, but sometimes it’s just an FIV cat that people are scared of. and with vet care covered it can take some of the stress out of it. just a thought.

          1. bird_internet +1

            Yeah I’ve been looking at cats in that age range today. And it is pretty important to me to know the temperament of my cat before I adopt– especially if it’s going to be a solo cat– so maybe this is all for the best.

  59. Vicki +3

    [Dating thread maybe?]
    Any advice for women looking for other women online? Even in my EXTREMELY queer city, it seems like everyone is too shy to message first, or people’s profiles seem total incompatible to me, regardless of % mashups (although there’s a high chance I am being too picky). Anybody else have similar problems? Solutions? It’s gotten to a point where I was actually relieved to have had a bad date, just because I managed the mammoth task of getting a girl to show up.

    1. Passing_Strange +8

      Good luck finding like-minded ladies! I do not have much advice, I’ve met people on okcupid, but it is mostly a wasteland with a few good experiences that are few and far between.

      My news: A few weeks ago the woman I’ve been dating and I decided to start referring to each other as girlfriend and since then I’ve had to refrain from pulling a Kirk from Gilmore Girls and working it into every conversation, because I am pleased. I have actually never had a girlfriend, I realized later (I’ve had boyfriends and a woman that I dated for over a year but never referred to as my girlfriend and other relationships that were not quite girlfriend relationships).

  60. janekathy1 +37

    Relevant to the Toast’s interests.

    Thanks to octopoda for the headsup above that this site (Society9) exists.

  61. keristars +37

    A first grade class was visiting the museum today, and a little boy got in trouble for stepping out line to whisper to me “you’re really pretty” (a lot of our little visitors admire my pink hair and like to tell me so)

    I’m torn between
    1) really cute for a 6-year-old to do
    2) haha gotta learn early that Nice Guys deserve scorn, kiddo!

    1. Alli525 +9

      You can!! I believe you can. I am also in this boat, having gone against my better judgment and weighed myself last weekend after a long time away from the scales (and LBH a long time away from the gym too)… So now I am eating mostly-vegetarian at home, which for me means those some-assembly-required salad kits from the grocery store, and doing better at packing a lunch instead of buying cream-heavy soups or carb-heavy sandwiches. And I’m starting small at the gym… even if I only jog/walk a mile on the treadmill, stretch, do 3 reps on two leg machines, and 5 minutes on the rowing machine, that is still 45 minutes longer than I was spending at the gym two weeks ago.

      Oh and I am eating LESS ice cream and smoking less weed (or smoking the same amount of weed, but outside where I have no access to my fridge).

      My boss, who hasn’t seen me in a week or so, told me (when I told him I was trying to work out more) that I already looked a little skinnier, so that made me feel great.

  63. mekline2015 +5

    (new-ish lurker here) I didn’t want to hijack a sad thread above – there’s a Boston toasties group? Where do I find it?

  64. lizzythecat +3

    Are there DC-area Toasties? I moved here a few months ago and would love to meet some misandrist Toasties!

    2. Theo_Winterwood +1

      I think someone asked this a few weeks ago and I seconded the question* and someone else said there was a Google group/email address at [email protected] but couldn’t vouch for how active it was.

      (I then copied that down and saved it. And totally forgot to email it and see what happens and didn’t think of it again until just now.)

      So that information may not be helpful, but maybe it is!

      *For I am also in the DC/NoVA area and despite having lived here for roughly a million years, don’t know where the cool people are

      1. Theo_Winterwood +1

        Well, I just tried emailing that address and it came back as “Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently,” so I suppose at least I can let y’all know it’s no longer active and save anyone else who might have tried the time and trouble of doing the same thing. 🙂

        1. TLO +1

          The Google group exists! To email everyone in it, you’d send it to @googlegroups.com rather than @gmail.com, but I’m not sure how that works if you’re not a member. @JocastaCarr set it up, so if she is around, she can hopefully add you!

          1. VaguelyDownward +1

            I was the one who asked about DC toast groups a few open threads ago! I also had no luck connecting with the Google group, so if someone figures that out, do keep us updated here! I did join the DC hairpinners Facebook group, which is lovely, but it would be great to have something Toast-specific.

            And I am definitely up for any DC-area meet ups!

      2. Theo_Winterwood +2

        Is it terrible that I’ve lived in Alexandria for over a year and a half and I still get it confused with Arlington waaaaay more than anyone should? (Especially since I grew up in Fairfax County.)

        (I also like coffee and probably have some kind of redeeming quality to make up for how terrible I am with my own local geography.)

        1. omggg +1

          Not at all! I’ve lived here for a lot of my life, and they’re both basically a giant starbucks parking lot.

    4. ophelias_ghost +1

      I’m an absentee DC-area person. Currently attending college somewhere else but I’m from Fairfax County originally

  65. Goomaly +12

    People who are parents (or, hell– people who were children!) : how do you teach kids about feelings? I don’t think I ever learned. I mean Mister Rodgers taught me some, but my family didn’t talk about feelings and I didn’t learn how to have emotions at all. I’m curious about how other people learned, maybe it’ll help me catch up.

    1. fakegeekgrrrl +6

      Hiiiii I don’t have kids, but I just read a book I really like (that had nothing to do with kids) which highly recommends this book on that very subject!
      http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Emotionally-Intelli…

    2. Herberta +6

      The Smart Girl’s Guide to Feelings. It’s aimed at late elementary school kids, but it lays out your emotions and how to cope with them in a very straightforward and helpful way. (My kid gets aggravated by my tendency to deal with issues by buying her a book on the subject. Take that as you will.)

    4. CleverManka +11

      I was in my 30s and navigating a very rocky relationship when I (finally) acquired a language for my emotions. I don’t think I experience emotions like most people, though. I’ve been told more than once I’m a Vulcan. My family didn’t talk about feelings. We experienced them, but there was never discussion about “why are we angry/scared/sad.” I learned to just…get over those feelings because (logically) I didn’t enjoy feeling those feels. Not to say I don’t still get angry/scared/sad, but not much makes those sensations linger for me. I experience Righteous Anger about social issues, but it’s different than personal anger, if that makes sense to you. And the only thing in my life that still makes me sad is the death of my cat (who was the only person in the world I have ever unconditionally loved and maybe that says something else about my emotional life that I don’t care to examine too deeply).

      I hope this gets lots of responses because I find this sort of thing…well, fascinating.

      1. Goomaly +9

        I’m a vulcan too!!

        Especially when I don’t really have an opinion either way, I say “whatever, that sounds fine” and my sweetie makes a face and I correct myself: “THAT WOULD BE SUFFICIENTLY ENJOYABLE” ^_^

        But seriously, yes, I’m starting to learn when I’m feeling angry or sad. Then of course that same sweetie will say “why are you so upset?” “or “don’t get mad…” And unfortunately, usually he says that when I wasn’t upset to begin with!

        LISTEN DICKFACE I ACTUALLY WASN’T MAD UNTIL YOU TOLD ME NOT TO BE
        FUCK YOU I WILL BE MAD IF I WANT

        Soooo probably I should just live alone? haha

        1. CleverManka +4

          usually he says that when I wasn’t upset to begin with!

          Hooo boy, the Burgomaster and I go round and round with that one all the time, too. It’s like Buddy, it takes a lot to make me angry, and trust me, when you make me angry? YOU WON’T HAVE TO ASK.

          Also, Big Vulcan Hugs all around! Being Vulcan doesn’t mean we don’t care!

    5. thesarahgirl +14

      My parents always emphasized that whatever I was feeling was real and valid – they never said things like “oh, it’s not that bad, why are you so upset?” They also shared (to a certain extent) what they were feeling – if we had something cool going on the next day, they’d tell me that they were really excited, or when our dog died I remember them both sharing how sad they were. That helps to normalize feelings, in a way – not only kids feel sad or scared, it’s just a part of being human.

      And, on the slightly more literal side, one of my brothers is on the autism spectrum and had a ton of trouble with empathy/reading other people’s emotions, so my mom had flash cards of facial expressions she’d go through with him – this face means someone is upset, this means they’re happy, this means they’re thinking hard, etc. It helped him a LOT.

      1. Goomaly +9

        that’s really fucking awesome that your parents did that. During my childhood I learned that showing negative feelings was going to get pushback, from my siblings, peers, parents, other growups, basically everyone. So of course I learned to have a calm face and deaden my senses so I couldn’t actually feel what I was feeling. I remember being told to calm down a lot (either because I was too excited or too upset). Reading was my only safe outlet because nobody could see what I was feeling or thinking and then give me their stupid opinions about whether i was doing it right or not.

        (I am actually learning a lot as I am reading and typing, thanks for your response!!)

        basically I feel like my whole life has been a minefield of other people’s reactions to me, I don’t really know what to do with myself or with other people. I believe I have understanding and compassion but the connection feels weak, or something, I don’t know what I’m saying. I’M SAYING I HAVE FEELINGS.

        Maybe I could practice by watching emotional movies or something? that’s always made me very uncomfortable. Hmm.

        1. CleverManka +4

          Ya know, bb, it’s not wrong to experience emotions in your own way. I mean, tamping down your own feelings is obviously not healthy. But forcing yourself to experience things that make you uncomfortable might not be the best way to go about exploring your potential emotional landscape. Maybe you could talk to your sweetie about feelings in the context of stories. Things like “Tell me about a time you were exceptionally angry/happy/nervous. What were the circumstances? How did you react, and why? Would you respond the same way now?” If your Vulcan tendencies are similar to mine, putting these experiences into actual words is helpful to understand them on a deeper level.

          1. Goomaly +2

            I’d rather practice feelings when I’m by myself– it does say something about me that I don’t feel like I am safe to feel my feelings with my sweeties 🙁

            Like, if I can handle my feelings when I’m alone, it won’t be so overwhelming and blinding when I’m interacting with people, you know?

          2. CleverManka +2

            That makes complete sense. Yeah, if you get overwhelmed then definitely explore those sensations where you feel safe. Maybe try writing those stories out for just yourself? The watching movies thing just makes my own self nervous. When I’m presented with an external emotionally stressful experience, it can be pretty rough. For example, the entire part of Wall-E where Eve is dormant? I had to leave the room. Couldn’t deal. I can talk about my kitty’s death even though I usually start to cry after a while. But that’s my own, internal feelings. Watching Wall-E haul around a comatose beloved?

    6. autumnlorayne +11

      This may not be what you’re looking for but… the Pixar movie Inside Out did a nice (of course somewhat limited and simplified) job of providing some vocabulary and metaphors for understanding feelings. I was especially impressed that they showed how you can feel two things at the same time that maybe feel conflicting (being both happy and sad, for instance), and how being sad is ok and even a good thing – that sometimes we need to go through our feeling of sadness in order to come out the other side and do or feel something else.

  66. Elizabeth +1

    Agreed! My only other advice would be to go and see a lot of places — especially if you don’ have enough $$$ to buy a place that’ll have everything you’d like. So that way you can a) get a general sense of what’s out there in your price range, b)figure out what’s really important to you (in terms of must-haves), and c) have the confidence to jump in right away if you find a place that checks all the boxes (really important if you live in a hot housing market where things are sold in a day or two).

    1. leslieellenjones +1

      Ditto on this. But also, don’t be afraid to go with your gut (while being prepared to be disillusioned by the inspection report). If you buy a place, you’re going to be there a long while. It has to feel good. If it doesn’t feel good, even if it checks all your boxes, you’re not going to like living there and you’ll resent everything you have to put into it.

  67. alphabiddycity +1

    Hi Toasties, do any of you live in Denver? I am moving there from NYC in a WEEK (!?!?!?!) and love the local NYC old-Hairpin Facebook group, and want to continue to know awesome women when I move. Help!?

    1. Alli525 +1

      Jamie is that you?? The NYC Pinners/Toasters will miss you back!

      (If you are not Jamie, there is a girl named Jamie also moving to Denver soon, so… maybe that could be a connection? Not helpful, I know.)

    2. raisedeyebrow +1

      I live in Denver!!! Not sure for how long because I’m trying to find a job in my home state, but I am here at least until the end of October!

  68. radiantsqui3d +8

    I just sent off a job application for a job I really want and kind of need. It would be The Perfect Job ™, and I’m glad to have at least tried. I’m currently feeling like a totally stupid, profoundly unemployable weirdo, who doesn’t know anything. I’m also seriously doubting my ability to write a single English sentence, which is, of course, totally irrational.
    I need to write another one, thankfully in German (which is my first and usual writing language), tomorrow.
    Do you guys have any wisdom and/or magic for making cover letters sound less awkward?

    2. jenavira +2

      Does it help if you think of it as a marketing document rather than a letter? Because I think all cover letters sound awkward, even the ones people hold up as great examples, but it’s not really a letter per se, it’s a thing that’s supposed to make someone think, “Yes, I want to talk to this person about this job.”

    3. j_bird +1

      I don’t know, they’re really uncomfortable for me to write, even in English, my native language. The only way I’ve been able to do it is to momentarily dissociate from the part of myself that dislikes self-promoting or asking for people’s attention.

  69. bighairnoheart +43

    Jerkass ethics professor tidbit of the week.

    Did you know the only reason people are bad is because they have no religion? Psychology says so.

    Did you know you can disprove the theory of evolution with altruistic turkeys? Science says so.

    Did you know Eskimos practice infanticide? And communally share their wives? They are up there right now tossing extra babies off ice floes.

          2. bighairnoheart +16

            I am going to if it kills me. I am THIS close to putting this shit and his name out there and letting the world go to town.

    2. actualmeg +13

      can we devote this thread to figuring out ways to get this dude fired or at least sternly reprimanded

        1. deleted9457019 +23

          I wouldn’t’ve thought finding an unemployed philosopher would be so hard that you’d have to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

          1. bighairnoheart +10

            I guess he presents himself well, at least on paper. I’m not seeing it in person because he’s been wearing the same pair of black skinny jeans for the past two weeks now and the muffin top poking over the straining waistband makes it really difficult to take him seriously.

      1. bighairnoheart +6

        Already took it to the liberal arts dean and got a token ‘you’re being to sensitive’ reply from her in response.

        If anything I’m even more angry now.

        1. actualmeg +8

          Document everything. Take it to a higher-up. Talk to other students and see if they’re as pissed off as you are–if it’s a united front presented by a group of dissatisfied/offended people, that might carry more weight than a single complaint.

  70. femaelstrom +12

    I now have weekly meetings on Fridays at 12:15 and will never be properly on time for an Open Thread again :ccc

    I posted last week about feeling super frustrated with Krav Maga and said that I was thinking about quitting. I got a lot of really excellent and compassionate advice, because you’re all amazing. I’m still struggling with the idea that I don’t have to devote my life to one passion to be a worthwhile and interesting person. I went to a tiny liberal arts college and it feels like all my friends are insanely devoted to/good at a few very specialized things…which I guess leaves me feeling like the kid in the corner eating paste because I haven’t found my Thing.

    Krav may not be my Thing. I may not have a Thing. But I eventually came to the conclusion that I would feel even worse if I quit before I could say “I gave it my best shot.” So I’ve decided to try doing it for three hours a week instead of one – at least for a month or so – to see if that helps me enjoy it more and improve faster. This was my first week giving that a try, and I did have a pretty decent time both nights that i went. I still feel like no one wants to work with me and like I’m super slow to pick stuff up, but I realize part of that could be my bordering-on-paranoia low self-esteem.

    On a happier note: MAD MAX. I got it on blu-ray last week and watched it twice in 3 days, then went to see it in 3D Imax last Friday. Holy WOW. It was so much. I love this movie so much. I’m just so emotional about it.

    1. FreeRangeMenses +13

      In my experience, there is incredible joy to be found in being a dilettante. I enjoy passionate people and I love their energy and dedication, but by God, I reserve the right to flit from one thing to the next.

    2. radiantsqui3d +3

      I feel you, OP!
      I don’t have a thing either (except for the dissertation, which doesn’t count), no notable self-esteem, generally high ambitions, and no motor skills whatsoever, so I usually suck at things. Especially sport-y or craft-y things. I’m in the process of getting used to sucking-at-things-and-not-caring, but it’s tough, and usually doesn’t work for very long. Gah.

      1. Beakses +5

        I was actually having a conversation with some of the people I do judo with about how judo has helped me get much better at being okay at being bad at things (mostly judo, but other things too). Oddly enough, sucking-at-things-and-not-caring is also a skill!

    3. beachlass +8

      In my mid 40s, I’m working on coming to terms with the idea that sometimes I have a Thing; and it doesn’t last forever. Like, not even if I devoted a university degree studying it. Or three years of evening classes. Or bought equipment* and loved it and did it for years.

      Sometimes I move onto a new thing.

      *this message brought to you by the disused pottery wheel in my basement and my music degree

    4. RoseCamelia +4

      I admire you. I like you exactly as you are. I believe you will, one day soon, like yourself as much as I like you.

    5. LaxMom +9

      I take Okinawan karate and the woman who runs our gym trained when there were very few women in karate and women who DID advance were not allowed to get “official” black belts, they had to get special “ladies” versions that didn’t count. She often talks to the kids about how her brothers both quit but she kept going, and nobody ever wanted to partner with her. The man who is head of our organization and her sensei now took her aside years ago and told her “just pick one of THEM. Don’t give them a choice, choose who you think you need to work with, get in front of them and say, ok, you’re my partner today”. She did (and now she’s a 9th degree black belt).
      When I’m training regularly I remind myself that no matter how run down and mom oriented and discouraged I am, part of training for self defense is self assertiveness. It’s as hard for me to get into that aggressive mode and self-defense mode of thinking as it is to actually learn the forms and the fighting techniques. Rather than think “oh, that means I’m not meant to do this, I’m just not programmed that way”, I tell myself that the mental challenge IS part of the training, and is valuable, and that its just as important to learn self-awareness and self-protection as it is to learn physical techniques, and i’m there to learn both. It doesn’t always work, but it helps get me out the door and into my gi.

      1. Beakses +3

        The assertiveness is probably the best thing I’ve gotten out of judo. That, and no longer noticing when dudes at my construction meetings get all postured up in aggressive gorilla mode because I spend so much time with my (lovely, kind, very safe, generally wonderful people) gorilla postured judo dudes.

    6. OliviaPJones +5

      I know a guy who just decides he wants to do a thing, does a lot of research, does the thing, and then he’s done with it. Like one time he wanted to reupholster a chair. So he did it.

      I think that’s a perfectly valid thing to be, and it’s not necessary to be like, “This thing is MY THING.”

  71. deleted9457019 +7

    Gonna see Best Coast with my sister tonight! 😀

    Last time I saw Best Coast, I ended up standing next to a 14-year-old in a Best Coast t-shirt and her bearish dad in Harley Davidson of Joliet shirt and it was kind of the cutest thing ever.

  72. bighairnoheart +47

    Sound the alarum bells! Sound the bells! Jerkass ethics professor just gave a shout out to the PC Police. Mark off another one on your Oppressed White Male bingo card if you’re playing along at home, people.

    2. KatPruska +14

      I’m glad your hair is big, so that it can cushion your head as you bang it repeatedly and with increasing speed on your desk.

      Kill him with fire.

  73. jimmyjimjimjim +11

    Also fully on board the Carly Rae Jepsen Bandwagon now. Emotion is an amazing album to wander around poorly lit sidewalks at 3am to.

    1. PierrePoutine +2

      YES. I have listened to Carly Rae every morning this week and my mood is all the better for it.

  74. Pamplemousse +2

    Hi Toasties! Do you have any advice for dealing with a partner who is struggling with depression? Especially if you also struggle with it?

    I am finding it really tough to manage because I tend to internalize his general negativity and lack of enthusiasm as a commentary on his feelings about me. We have been in therapy together but he is resistant to individual therapy because he’s done a lot of it before and “knows what the problem is, so doesn’t want to invest a lot of time or money in finding someone who may not even be able to help.” Which I find frustrating because he was the one who urged ME to go to individual therapy – and I did because I felt like I owed it to him (and myself, obviously) to do whatever I could to feel better. It upsets me that he doesn’t seem to feel the same way about me. But then again, that’s what depression does, right? Sucks your energy and tells you things are hopeless? I don’t know how to approach this without feeling like a nag – but I am also becoming increasingly unhappy myself. Any thoughts?

    1. RoseCamelia +5

      “Sweetums, it would help *me* for you to get individual therapy. I need the boost it will give me, for you to go. Please? For me?”

    2. Bunburying +6

      If they won’t do it for themselves, sometimes telling them how their refusal to get therapy is hurting *you* can be the kick in the pants that’s needed. This is how I got my mom to go.

    1. PRockette +2

      It’s so long! I really don’t know how American voters can manager through their multi-year election. Our has 32 days to go and I’m so ready to vote right now.

      1. AmyEntropy +1

        Longest campaign in, I don’t remember but a very long time, maybe ever. There’s speculation he did it on purpose to bankrupt the other parties.

    2. MilesofMountain +6

      I am terrified Harper will get in again. I live in a place with a lot of Con voters and I’m really having a struggle this time to remain empathetic to people who still support them. I try not to fall into the trap of dismissing large portions of the population as stupid/greedy/bad because of their political beliefs but I’m having trouble because WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE VOTE FOR HIM HE IS THE WORST??

      1. AmyEntropy +2

        I live in a Conservative stronghold to and also think Harper is the ABSOLUTE WORST. I’m actually wearing a “Stop Harper” button everywhere I go, and I’m not someone who likes to wear attention-drawing stuff. I think most of the country wants him gone but don’t want to vote for Tom Mulcair or Justin Trudeau. To me the sad part is that we DO choose our vote based on these men (and they are always men), not our own representatives and only secondarily for the party.

        1. MilesofMountain +2

          Yeah. I’m lucky that my riding always ultimately goes NDP and I really like our MP and prefer the NDP to the Liberals. It would be tough to have to balance or consider voting strategically.

      2. tomatoskirt +4

        I am remaining hopeful that my neighbours will vote for another party now that John Baird is no longer an option! And I have been working with Elections Canada on making it as easy as possible for students living in residence to vote by setting up info and voter registration days in advance, printing a letter for each student to use as supporting documentation so they can prove they’re eligible to vote in this riding, and making arrangements for a polling station to be set up on campus in October.

        Fingers crossed!

    3. deleted8734219 +2

      I’m not a Trudeau fan but I thought he did surprisingly well in the debate last night. A lot better with specifics and actually addressing the questions asked to him. But the debate on the economy makes zero (0) sense in isolation from other issues, and depending that immigration is only interesting insofar as it’s an economic issue is bananaaaaas. (eta: I am very left wing fwiw and I’m bloody well not voting for him. Just surprised he appears to have substance once coached properly.)

      1. AmyEntropy +1

        I heard comments that when they were asked about immigration they responded by talking about everything OTHER than immigration…

    4. Absotively +2

      It feels sort of odd because my current riding has an NDP MP who is running for re-election, and I’m closer to the NDP than the Liberals or the Tories politically, so something seriously weird would have to happen before I would actually have to think much about how to vote. But yet there’s all this electioning going on. And it is taking so very long!

      I didn’t bother watching yesterday’s debate, though I might eventually look up whether there was anything interesting besides Harper’s “old stock” comment. I’m more interested in the French language debates, because so far as I recall those have more often gotten into interesting territory, or at least territory that’s less explored in the English language parts of a campaign. I will be watching with subtitles, though, my French is not that good.

      1. AmyEntropy +1

        Is the Bloc Quebecois participating in the French language debates? I haven’t seen them, or Gilles Duceppe, mentioned in the media at all, which is strange.

        1. Absotively +1

          Wikipedia says yes. I think it’s usual to see them in the French language debates but not the English ones.

    5. kayloulee +2

      I am so, so, so late, but: I’m a Canadian born overseas and currently living overseas (Australia!) and I just got my postal vote ballot so I can vote like a motherfucker! Unfortunately my riding is super conservative (Eglinton-Lawrence, in northern Toronto) so I’m not sure that it’ll make much difference but I’m gonna do it anyway. I just need to figure out who the candidates are.

    1. ladyimogen +1

      Someone I care about just got a $500 bill for an initial 1 hour meeting with a psychiatrist. Is that normal?!?

      1. bunnybunny +2

        Unfortunately it can be if the visit is paid out-of-pocket. My old psychiatrist did not accept insurance and the 30 minute visits were $350. The initial evaluation was close to $700.

      3. Bunburying +2

        Where in the country does she practice, and did she discuss the cost with your friend before the meeting?

        1. ladyimogen +2

          The cost was definitely not discussed in advance. I’m assuming there will be an option for some kind of payment plan, but it still seems really out of line- $250 would make more sense.

          1. Bunburying +5

            That seems rather sketchy to me. Costs may depend on geographical location; a shrink in private practice in Manhattan is going to operate on a different set of assumptions than one in Hometown, Missouri, but for no one to bring up a $500/hour fee in advance seems questionable at best no matter where they are.

  77. bibliophibian +11

    I’m watching livestreams of the protests in Japan, where as many of you know, they’re trying to prevent their pacifist constitution from being altered to permit wars, and where it is currently the middle of the night, and the protesters are still going strong. So many feels. I love them so much.
    http://iwj.co.jp/channels/main/channel.php?CN=4

      1. bibliophibian +7

        Oh yes! The legislature CAME TO BLOWS yesterday, and the Japanese legislature Doesn’t Do That!

  78. maggiegrift +7

    GYM & FITNESS THREAD (I don’t think there’s one yet?)

    How has everybody’s training been going?

    I PR-ed my front squat by 7 kg, so that it is now once again higher than my clean (I just power clean since I can’t stand heavy things up). Hopefully this means I can PR my clean now!

    I also did a workout that has lots of wall balls in it, and usually I breakdown and do sets of 5. Not this time! I kept with sets of 10 or more through the whole half hour workout. It feels good to make small goals (“do not put that ball down until you hit 10 reps”) and hit them!

    1. RudyRed +3

      I was getting a little bored of my old routine, so I decided to try a new bodyweight training program from darebee.com, which is more or less a fitness site for nerds, called Age of Pandora.

      It’s basically a choose-your-own-adventure post-apocalyptic sci-fi story, except with different exercises for each event that happens in the plot. For example, every time you travel to a new location you have to run X number of meters, depending on how far you’re traveling. I like it so far – it’s fun, and it’s challenging too. I’ve also used it as an excuse to dust off my long-neglected blog and start writing short fictions based on what I did in Age of Pandora that day. Maybe I’ll link to that later; I’m still a bit shy about promoting them right now.

    2. tragicallyludicrous +3

      It’s been a full month now since I started with the trainer, and I’m feeling pretty good about things? She finds it funny that I was a natural at deadlifts, but find bicep curls (with a small barbell) really difficult. I just have no arm strength is all! But apparently my movement and technique is good.

      She also thinks that I should actually go to a doctor and get an inhaler, which I’m sure isn’t like, a great thing but it’s kind of validating in a way? Like, I had an inhaler for exercise-induced asthma when I was young, but I kind of got the impression that my breathing issues were more that I was lazy and out of shape, and as I didn’t take any gym or do anything athletic after 7th grade, I didn’t encounter them regularly and could excuse any out of breath issues by, well, being lazy and out of shape. But she seems to think that’s not the case, and it’s nice to think that my previous avoidance of exercise has kind of a good reason.

  79. robindavisdesign +2

    NYC Toasts! Where are you? I emailed the email address a while ago and tried to find the Facebook group and I have heard only crickets. (Or whatever the internet comment equivalent of crickets is.) I am more or less convinced that there are no NYC Toasties and this group is an elaborate prank and/or is buried in the Toastie X-Files cabinet somewhere. I promise I’m not horrible!

      1. robindavisdesign +2

        Thank you! I emailed a while ago so I’m just going to request to join the FB group, hope that’s okay.

  80. deleted8734219 +3

    I have a question about cats! I finally have a few extra dollars (I am a lower income student) and would like to adopt a wee friend, hopefully soon to help me through the long bleak winter. I like loner cats so I don’t mind adopting only one. We have a third-floor suite with a back balcony that leads directly to a wonderful grassy backyard via spiral staircase. My boyfriend thinks all cats should be able to roam free, and while I agree with him, I also think outside cats die sooner and cost a hell of a lot more money. My questions!

    1. Do you know of cats who have access to outside but who kindly do not pursue opportunities to bolt out the door when we, for example, leave by the back door to go to work? (In other words, am I crazy to think I’ll even be able to keep a cat inside?)

    2. Am I reasonable in my beliefs about indoor vs outdoor cats or do they cost about the same?

    3. I’ve been lucky enough to be steadily employed for a number of years, but I also haven’t had a job that wasn’t a four-month contract in actual years. Should I just chill on adopting until my cat friend can be supported by more stable work?

    1. mmsees +1

      The cat I currently live with (my roommate’s) is an indoor cat and she doesn’t seem at all interested in getting out. Leaving doors wide open would be a bad idea, but she’s definitely not bolting out anywhere. That said, the cat I grew up with definitely has no respect for barriers at all, but she’s a largely outdoor cat. Frankly I just don’t think my current cat fully realizes that going outside is an option.

      I really don’t know anything about outdoor vs indoor cats head to head, but the cat I’ve had growing up is an outdoor cat and she’s always been incredibly healthy. Obviously there’s more opportunity to get into scraps and trouble and such, but I feel like she’s more fit than the cat I have currently, who is confined to the house, and also probably leads a somewhat more interesting life. She’s probably around 16 now and still going strong.

    2. bighairnoheart +2

      One of my cats likes trying to bolt, but only into the hall outside the apartment and only because he’s a little obsessed with stairs. His interest in the great outdoors is zip. But I’ve had him since he was a kitten so he’s never really been outside.

      New cat may be too new to judge, but he shows no inclination towards trying to get out at all. The food and belly rubs are inside and so is he.

    3. RudyRed +6

      Indoor cats do generally live longer than outdoor cats, mostly because they’re infinitely less likely to get hit by a car, or to get attacked by a larger predator. Also: indoor cats are way less likely to get fleas and other pests!

      Be aware, though, that if you’re adopting a cat who is used to being able to go out, then they might get anxious and upset if they’re no longer allowed to do so. Basically, cats are fine staying inside if they don’t know any better. Once they get a taste for the outside, you can’t really go back.

      1. Ethylbenzene +7

        And truly, unless you’ve had a flea infestation in your living space, it’s hard to imagine how psychologically difficult it is as well as unpleasant and difficult to eradicate. ::shudders at memories::

        1. RudyRed +3

          TELL ME ABOUT IT. What made it all the worse when I had to deal with fleas was that every square foot of my apartment, save the (tiny) kitchen and (tiny) bathroom, was carpeted. Guuuh.

    4. celery +1

      I think it helps if you have a cat who’s always been raised indoors. My parents’ current cat seems to have very little interest in going outside, and he’s never been an outdoor cat.

      When I was growing up, my family had two outdoor cats, but one of our outdoor cats got FIV (cat HIV) from a fight with another cat, so we had to make him an indoor cat. He was, for the rest of his life, DETERMINED to get outside. My whole family developed excellent cat-blocking skills going in and out of doors. He lived to be about 13, and our fully outdoor cat lived to be about 15. I don’t have a good sense of how much we had to pay for them because of their outdoor-ness, financially (obviously the FIV was a direct result of him being an outdoor cat).

    5. newglasses +15

      I am very anti-cats outside, let’s just be upfront about that. For the cats’ sake, for your sake, for the rest of the neighborhood’s sake.

      Cat’s sake: You may be lucky and your outside cat will never get hit by a car or hurt in a fight with another cat or deliberately hurt by another human or pick up parasites, etc. But on the whole, yes, outside cats cost more to take care of, in general. Interestingly enough, I’ve found that nearly all of the stray/feral cats that I’ve brought inside have little to no interest in ever going back outside, ha! They still love looking out windows, but when the door is open, they are all ‘nope, nope, been there done that’.

      For your sake: yes, the money issue, but also you will never spend sleepless nights wondering where Cat is, why didn’t Cat come home tonight/morning? And the crazy morning when Cat comes home injured or sick and you run around trying to get a vet and to work on time. And the heartbreaking one when Cat never comes back and you don’t know what happened to them.

      For the neighborhood’s sake: cats are predators; predators that we subsidize. There’s some debate about how much of an effect that domestic cats have on wild bird populations, but there’s no question that domestic cats have contributed to wild bird population decline. Cats are also hell on amphibians, rodents, and other small animals. This is good inside–any mice that come inside my house are fair game, but outside, again, cats affect the wildlife population, often to the detriment of non-subsidized predators, contributing to the decline of the ecosystem overall. Sounds kind of high falutin’, but it is true.

      As far as supporting a cat–none of us have an iron-clad guarantee for our jobs. The key is to have a plan of what happens to Cat if you lose your job/place to live/whatever. If you adopt from a shelter or rescue, they will nearly always take Cat back, and, really, the shelters and rescues I’ve worked with, they would be happy to do so. Well, not happy, it’s always traumatic for Cat, but better to take them back and try to re-home them than to find out they got put out on the street when things got bad (and yeah, it happens.) If you have friends or relatives that you trust, you can sometimes get them to take care of Cat while you get things sorted out (and I’ve done that, it’s stressful in its own way, but my Cats all had a place to stay while I worked things out.)

      Indoor cats are as happy as you let them be–as well as food, water, and comfy pillows, they need playtime and scratching posts and the freedom to do cat things (yeah, cat races can be annoying, but cats need them sometimes). You didn’t mention it, but indoor or outdoor, Cat should be spayed or neutered. There are too many unwanted pets in the world, no reason at all to have a pet that can produce more–

      Other than barn cats (which are not really pets and are still bad for wildlife, but better than poison and glue traps), I’ve never had an outdoor or indoor/outdoor cat since I was a kid. Most of my cats have lived to be 18 to 20, a couple lived into their 20s. You are taking on another roommate, in a way, ha! Cats have Opinions about how things should be, and you will have to work with Cat to teach them how things go in your space. But you have to learn to see things their way sometimes–and that cuts down on most, if not all, behavior issues that can cause problems.

      Good luck in your quest for your Cat!

    6. jenavira +3

      My friend has a cat who was a stray (the shelter thinks she survived a Wisconsin winter outdoors as a kitten) and she has zero interest in the outdoors. (Friend swears the kitty gloats at bad weather.)

    7. KateAldasse +2

      It’s possible to have a semi-outdoor cat. I have a cat who I adopted from under a bush, and about two months later moved with him to live in a third-floor apartment. He does still miss the outdoors, so I try to take him on walks on a leash. Since I have not trained him to walk down the sidewalk like a dog, it consists of me standing around playing sudoku on my phone while he slowly sniffs every tree, bush, and fencepost. He loves it, and will ask to go outside. He rarely tries to escape otherwise, but that depends mostly on the cat.

      Also, if you can block off the stairs on your balcony (maybe a baby gate?), see about getting a cat door so he can go in and out by himself. I got the sliding glass door insert kind for about $125 (you can also get them off craigslist). It saved me from getting up to let him in and out every thirty seconds, and allowed me to keep the litterbox outside. Letting a cat onto the balcony will give him an opportunity to stare at birds and squirrels with almost no chance of him catching any, or any other creatures catching him. Make sure your cat knows how to get back if he does escape — mine once escaped off the balcony, made his way around the building, and scratched at the front door hours later.

      Having the cat mostly or entirely indoors does save some money. Ask your vet what shots are needed in your area. I was able to skip some of them once my cat was mostly indoors. Also check out local laws about pet licences — my county requires rabies shots and licences for cats as well as dogs, and while they say it’s technically not required if your pet is indoor only, it is much more difficult and expensive to pick them up from the pound if they escape and are found without tags. Get your cat chipped too if he turns out to be the houdini type.

    8. saffiedarling +5

      My two furmonsters are both indoor cats that have been indoor cats their entire lives. They have had the occasional outdoor adventure if a door has been left open for long enough, but they don’t bolt for it or anything, and once they are outside, they’re normally too overwhelmed to go very far. They both like looking out the window and chattering at the birds/floating leaves/other moving things that may or may not exist, but they’re pretty happy with their couch and their toys and their cat tree.

      My family has had four previous outdoor cats. [name of questionable taste redacted] lived to 12, but was forever getting in fights and often had scrapes that got infected if we didn’t find them soon enough. Harry (so named because of the slash of white on his otherwise black face) wasn’t as much as a wanderer as [redacted] but he got hit by a car at age 5. It took mum nearly a week to find out what had happened to him. Leo died young of a stomach tumour. And stretching all the way back to childhood – Wilbur just disappeared when he was about 2 years old and we never found out what happened to him. They all brought birds and small furry creatures into the house in various states.

      My cats would probably be happier if they could go outside, but I would be happier if I could wear my pjs to work. That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Overall, I find it so much less stressful knowing where they are every night and not worrying about whether they’re okay, or if they’ll make it home. I also like knowing that they aren’t hunting our native birds or wildlife.

    9. Ethylbenzene +8

      The life expectancy alone should tell you what you need to know — everything I’ve read puts outdoor cats at around 1-5 years with indoor cats at 10-20 years barring any health complications. Aside from that, cats are essentially an invasive species in the local ecology, and have serious effects on prey populations, as discussed.

      There’s another thing, which I don’t want to upset anyone with, but I know a shocking number of people with outdoor cats whose cats have been abused by other humans — kicked, shot with BB guns, and worse. People who are cruel and want to hurt something for fun won’t see a cat wandering around and think “someone’s beloved pet,” they’ll think “disposable stray cat nobody cares about,” apparently.

      1. newglasses +3

        yeah, I was trying not to give too much detail about human danger, but often a tame, beloved pet is even more of a target, because they will go up to people, expecting pettings, not cruelty. One of my current cats has some health issues because some dirtbag teens thought the friendly cat was fun to torment (over several weeks worth of time, I suspect) and his then owners were of the opinion that ‘outdoors is the natural state of a cat’. They weren’t so fond of the cat that they would pay the vet bills, though, after I took him to the vet and got his injuries treated, so I wound up with another cat. Who lives inside now and seems happy enough.

    10. theowlofderision +5

      My cat is indoor only, which is unusual here, but as she’s missing a leg and a tail* I think it best that she stay indoors, as I doubt she could cope with a cat fight or get over high walls. She does bolt for the front door of our flat, which just leads onto the communal staircase, but we don’t allow her out of the building front door. The thing you must remember is that an indoor cat needs much, much more playtime and interaction than an outdoor cat. Your furball is 100% dependent upon you for stimulation, whether not only means leaving toys out when you are at work, but making the effort to throw the ball/wave the ribbon/point the red dot or whatever you cat likes to play with. If you can arrange a sort of ‘cat TV’ by a window, with a nearby shelf or table which kitty can sit on to watch birds by, that’s good too.

      *when my boyfriend and I adopted her, the shelter staff said she had been in a car accident. Given her status as a small, fluffy, devious asshole, we suspect that she was the one driving.

  81. betsymore +35

    You guys, I was all set to come here and complain about how at 36 weeks pregnant I am suddenly exhausted all. the. time. and why do I still have to go to work it’s not FAIR.

    But. then. I just had lunch with three of my besties who informed me that they are collectively giving me doula services for my birth. I am almost in tears at how generous and amazing a gift that is. And now all I can think about is how lucky I am.

    (Also feeling TOTALLY UNWORTHY of that generosity but I’m trying to beat back that feeling with a stick, since it’s definitely not what they’d want!)

    1. Runbug Jones +2

      Hahaha. When I was pregnant with my daughter, my employer kicked out women two weeks prior to their due date. And then the stubborn little girl came almost two weeks late. I ended up spending the first month of my maternity leave, twiddling my thumbs at home (in January!), waiting for her to make an appearance.

  82. LaxMom +9

    hmm. Not the comment I thought this would be. Things have been going really well between me and high school boy this week. Even though he has had two bad-sleep-in-a-row allnighters for an AP history test. So I just went to pick him up from his first robot club meeting, was asking questions about where, the challenge, do adults supervise (in case I could help code) and where does the money to pay for parts come from, is there a fund raiser? He starts pulling his “I’m going to stop mom talking to me by being a really gigantic asshole” routine (this kid has been really good at pushing my buttons for years, mostly we’re over it, we do counseling, so I know the coping behavior when I see it.) I’m usually pretty lax in my “swearing at your mom when tired” standards—we are a very crabby when tired family, and times 10000 as teenagers.
    Well, I drove him most of the way home. He decided to just start spouting f words at me and tell me to piss off and shut up (when I asked about a fundraiser). I stopped the van. He jumped out. He’s about 1/2 mile away (we’re pretty suburban, so that’s two streets over in the development). I was congratulating myself for handling a VERY bad week (work sucks and money sucks, as usual, but there have been no new jobs to apply for and I had to ask my mom for money), and now this. He’ll either calm down before he gets in the door or he’ll ramp it up all weekend and storm into counseling on Monday to complain about me.
    I think also he broke up with girlfriend (the week before homecoming), and is taking that out on me, too.
    We’ve been through worse, he and I, but he’s my volatile one. And his dad will misconstrue the “mom threw me out of the car” texts I’m sure the kid is sending him right now. I really, really don’t need shit with my ex right now. Or with the social worker.

    (he started swearing. I parked the car on the street and said calmly “You do not get to talk to me like that, there is no reason for it, walk home.” and kid jumped and ran, taking the time to flip me off while I drove past).
    ugh.

    edited to add: Yup. Walked *away* from home to our neighbor’s, used their phone, plead for sympathy from dad, got a ride to dad’s house. This is annoying, because I thought after two years of counseling he was over this “throw a temper tantrum and get mom mad by exaggerating everything for sympathy” behavior. Then I realized that he threw a very similar fit, only much, much, much worse (like 2 a.m. emergency counseling worse) last year on the EXACT same week (football friday before homecoming). Huh. At least ex was reasonable, despite not calling me and just whisking kid away.(reasonable is relative)

  83. saraallain +15

    Relegated to the second page BUT I recently bought Leanne Brown’s Good & Cheap Cookbook and, Toasties, it is a delight. I swear I don’t represent her at all but I really, really like this cookbook and I have a list of reasons why you should get it:

    1. It is intended to be a resource for people who have very little money to spend on food (i.e. those who rely on food stamps) but it doesn’t compromise on taste. The book also doesn’t preach about healthiness, which is refreshing – sometimes you just want some dang desserts! It’s also got lots of practical tips if you are new to cooking.

    2. There’s a focus on buying and cooking in bulk and making use out of every scrap. Like, did you know that instead of throwing away the leftover bits of onions and carrots, you should be saving them in your freezer to make vegetable broth? I didn’t! I’ve been buying bouillon for years like a rube.

    3. I waste way less food now that I’m thinking about point #2.

    4. The recipes are actually so delicious. I made chorizo and white bean ragu the other week and, reader, I married it.

    Two ways to buy:
    1. You can obtain a PDF of the cookbook for free from Leanne’s website, no questions asked! You can even print it out and bind it and put it on your bookshelf.
    2. You can buy a copy, in which case a second copy is donated to a community organization in the US or Canada.

    1. Bunburying +4

      Yes, seconding, I read this cookbook online and it is practical and good. It also focuses on meat-free cooking for practical ($) reasons, which is nice for vegetarians and people with little money and people who are both.

    2. shevralay +4

      I love that cookbook! I saw her speak at the book festival over labor day weekend and it was great.

  84. chnellociraptor +5

    Toastrons! I have been away from you for SO LONG. My job situation got really weird for a while, where I was working odd hours for several weeks, then I was on vacation for two weeks, then I returned to find out I was on leave! It was pretty shitty! But now I’m back at work with an office and regular hours and everything and I’m JUST SO HAPPY THAT WE’RE REUNITED.

    Last night I went to a speed dating event with a friend and I was disappointed with how boring it was? Like I was really expecting some good stories out of this! Give me clowns and serial killers! The best I’ve got was that one guy was a firefighter, and everyone was boring, including the firefighter.

    I’m going to a Blue Jays game tomorrow! But my boyfriend Russell Martin isn’t playing! But it’s okay because I love the Blue Jays anyway! I have only recently decided that I enjoy watching pro baseball and it has been a RIDE let me tell you.

    1. LacaunaKale +2

      Right. So.
      I have had bouts of depression (plus the constant anxiety and the super fun ptsd) since all the time. And these past 2 weeks have been HARD. Besides my natural lacck of serotonin, I’m newly unemployed and feeling socially isolated. Obviously the answer to solving those is to get a job,and meet new people. But please refer to the anxiety statement (I’m working on the job, because I needs money to live. Going out and meeting people? How does that work?) And the Ahmed stuff this week bore a startling resemblance to a middle school incident of mine.

      Therapist has said that I need to keep doing my CBT charts, and failing those working just accept my fee-fees as valid and fine. Again, makes sense, but for my catholic guilt loving lizard brain.

      I don’t even know what my point was anymore. I guess how do you keep soldiering on when everything makes you want to cry? And improving your life when it all seems terrible and unending, how the fuckityfuck does that work?

      1. jenavira +7

        I have been exactly where you are. Take a deep breath. Look at a picture of a kitten. You will get through this.

        Job hunting is the actual worst; if you tried to design a system to make competent people doubt themselves and despair of life, I don’t think you could come up with a better one. I did not know about Ask a Manager last time I was job hunting, but I wish I did, because she gives great, practical advice (and the occasional wacky story). Send out a resume every day and tell yourself they’d be idiots not to hire you. It’s true.

        Meeting people is also the actual worst, especially if you already have anxiety. I have less helpful advice on this one, if only because I’m bad at this myself, but – I find that online interaction is less stressful than in-person interaction and almost as rewarding. Follow a bunch of toasties everywhere you can. Try going out and sitting in a Starbucks or a library or some other place where there are lots of people who you don’t have to talk to but you could. Try taking a class or going to a free seminar where you can sit quietly in the back if you want to and talk to your neighbor if you feel so inclined.

        Take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, and if you can’t get enough sleep, make sure you spend some time comfy in the dark and some time comfy in the sunlight (or as close as you can get this time of year). Eat well, and if you can’t eat well, eat enough, and whatever comfort food you can get. Drink plenty of water (crying is dehydrating) and try not to let caffeine fuck up your sleep schedule. Take a walk if you can.

        One of my go-to reassurances is Stephen Fry’s letter to a fan about depression as brain weather, and how weather always changes. When that’s not enough, I think of the depression as a thirteen-year-old asshole who happens to live in my brain, and I refuse to let him win. You can do this. It will suck for a while, but you can do this.

      2. RoseCamelia +6

        One thing at a time. Think for a minute. Decide one tiny thing you will do the next time you stand up. Something positive, but small.

        Example 1: I’m going to brush my teeth as soon as I stand. Then work on gathering the gumption to stand.

        Example 2: The next time I stand, I’m going to open the door and stay outside in the sunlight for at least 60 seconds.

        Example 3: When I stand up, I will first go to the cabinet and take a vitamin D supplement.

        I feel for you. ::Jedi hugs::

      3. mkmorrow +3

        I have been there with the guilt about not doing MOAR to help myself or be a productive normal person. One thing that really really helped me at a super bad time was sitting down at least once a day and listing (in real writing, with a pen, in a pretty book) things I had accomplished that day. Some days the list was, like: walked dog, ate breakfast, wore clean clothes, didn’t cry in public. But writing them down helped me see and remember that those things were real accomplishments. I was doing my best.

        Internet hugs. I’m sorry it’s all so hard.

  86. systemed7 +6

    TOASTFRIENDS CHICAGO! The FB page for the Chicago group is being taken down this weekend, in favor of a new closed group. If you would like to be added to the new closed FB group (and yes yes yes of course we want you there!), please go to “Chicago Toasties” on FB, and send a message with your request to be added to the new group, and then (AND THIS IS IMPORTANT) look in your “Other” inbox for a message. You will need to “friend” the moderator of the old FB page (me!) in order to be added to the new closed group. You can “defriend” me immediately afterwards, of course — but why would you want to?

  87. Runbug Jones +14

    Pregnant and hating it thread!

    Oh. Just me. Cool. Cool.

    Guys, I can’t with this pregnancy. I was in the ER last weekend after not being able to keep anything down for 48 hours and waking up SO HUNGRY and DEHYDRATED that a bag of saline was the only way out. The saline helped me feel somewhat human again, but I’m still losing a portion of every meal, and I’m down three pounds from two weeks ago.

    Monday night, I could not sleep for hunger. The midwife recommended I go on a liquid diet and try to consume more than 2 tablespoons of liquid/broth every 15 minutes. Do you know how long it takes to sufficiently curb hunger when trying to eat that way? Yeah, it was a long night.

    My HG is medication-proof. Nothing is making a dent. Not Zofran, not Reglan, not Diclegis.

    I miss food. I want a lobster roll. I want paella. I want a sloppy burger with a fried egg and loads of mustard and pickles on it. I want sauerkraut and pirogies and enchiladas and huge bowls of pasta with garlic bread and tomatoes and cheese. I was a strawberry milkshake and whatever kind of cake you have. I want a beer and maybe a daiquiri. I want to be alone in my body again where I don’t smell like piss because I wet myself a little every time I puke.

    I am so miserable that I called my parents crying because I needed reassurance that I am not the most horrible person in the world for terminating. Because I think that’s what’s going to happen here.

    4. LaPremiereFemme +4

      I wanted to die, like “please God take me now” I was so sick. My Dr. suggested half a Unisom and B6 vitamin…start with1x/day and go up to 2x/day if needed…and it really helped me. Make sure you get the Unisom that states “Doxylamine Succinate” on the front of the box.
      Also try those seasick bands you put on pressure points on wrists, those help some people too.

      1. Runbug Jones +3

        That’s roughly what Diclegis is: unisom and B6. I was on three pills a day and it wasn’t making a difference.

        The seasickness bands don’t do anything for me, either 🙁

    5. betsymore +14

      Oh god, I am so sorry. That is the stuff of nightmares, except you’re living it. You are Not Wrong to feel exhausted and despairing, and you are not a horrible person if you decide to terminate. Herbeta put it perfectly: “It is not horrible to prioritize your health and safety.”

  88. happysadcat +11

    Toasts, why are the men so weird about women’s hair? My hair is useless and makes me sad, so I have started wrapping it, a la Wrapunzel. I have worn a different scarf every day this week and it makes me feel queenly and a little dignified. My coworker-men are down with it, but other men in my huge workplace and on my commute seem to need to comment on my hidden hair. “Your hair is so pretty! (no it’s not)” “Why you got that on your head? (because shut the hell up)”
    I feel the need to Take To The Sea sometime soon.

    1. RoseCamelia +13

      “Why do I have this on my head? Because it harms no one and it makes me happy.”

      Rock on, happysadcat.

    3. spring chickens +5

      I would think strangers would be afraid to say that crap to you — what if you had just been doing chemotherapy? There are SO many reasons to cover your hair, including fashion. (I channel ladies from the 1930s in cars!) Go you, doing whatever you like with your hair.

    4. systemed7 +13

      I HATE MAN-OPINIONS ABOUT MY SELF-PRESENTATION SO MUCH.

      If I were you, I would practice saying things in front of the mirror, so they’re right on the tip of my tongue upon leaving the house.

      “Because alopecia. Look it up, Einstein.”
      “Because cancer. Thanks for the reminder, Grim Reaper.”
      “Because ringworm. It’s contagious, Snugglebunny.”
      “Because my hair is too beautiful for you to see. Now be quiet, peasant.”

  89. eegghh +4

    Is there any way you can also get involved in any kind of volunteering? I think that sometimes it’s just good to be around people, and have a purpose. It doesn’t necessary solve the isolation of when you need someone to talk to on a Friday night, but you never know? In particular I’m thinking community groups that work in the area like neighborhood associations or people who volunteer with pet shelters or reading at a nursing home.You might meet some really great people outside your demographic and just knowing that there’s a reason to go out into the world every week can help. I think teenagers can be pretty cool, but in particular I’m thinking active seniors might really cheer you up. There’s all kinds of studies showing that having a sense of purpose is what people need- we don’t actually mind being unhappy sometimes as long as it feels like there’s a reason (i.e. having kids is stressful but they give you an outside motivation. Working on a campaign is tiring, but if you see it through it will feel worth it.)

    It’s really important that you aren’t afraid to ask for help. It sounds like you don’t want to be an imposition on anyone, but people do like to help if you ask them. When you let people in for the dark times, some of them disappoint, but some of them just show up and hang on for dear life. As long as you are ready to turn around and help other people back, it’s going to lead to a lot of richness in your life. Let one of your few friends know that you are having a tough time and you miss them and see what happens. Maybe you can plan up for a trip to visit later on, maybe you can bookclub online, lots of things like that are tiny but help.

  90. becauseiloveyou +2

    Hello Toast! Longtime reader, first time commenter here. Moderation in anything is not my strong suit, so I’m just going to jump right in with some ISSUES and FEELINGS:

    I did a really shitty thing last weekend and it is having really shitty consequences. My husband and I were on vacation with two of our friends, also a married couple. The husband of this couple has been very flirty with me and with other women in the past. I had told my husband some of what had happened before (things like hand-holding, lap-sitting, shoulder rubbing) and he assumed it was fairly innocent and I did nothing to dissuade him from that assumption. (Shitty! I know!) Unsurprisingly, while we were on vacation, this friend kissed me. In a very not-innocent way. And I kissed him back.

    A few hours after the kissing happened, he approached my husband and said something to the effect of “[Wife] and I sometimes like to…be affectionate with our friends. is this something that you and your wife are up for?” My husband was fairly taken aback and not quite sure what the question meant, and eventually replied, “Not today.” The friend and I didn’t touch each other for the rest of the trip except when we all hugged goodbye.

    That was on Saturday night. I told my husband about the kiss on Tuesday. I would describe him as devastated.

    I’m not looking for sympathy here because I know it was a terrible, wrong thing to do. Worse, it isn’t the first time I’ve done something like this. Partly I wanted to see if any of you might be willing to share experiences of dealing with a similar situation. Partly I just wanted to get this off my chest–I have been feeling awful, which has been compounded by the fact that I can’t ask my husband for support for obvious reasons, and I know he feels at least as awful as I do and I can’t support him either.

    I made an appointment with a counselor for Monday but that feels pretty far away.

    1. newglasses +1

      hey, I’m probably not the person to help, as I have given up on intimate SO type relationships, but since you are on page 2 and sounds like you need at least some acknowledgement, I’ll give it a shot.

      I’ve never been in exactly your situation, but I’ve certainly been around monogamous relationships running headlong into what we called open relationships, but I guess are now called poly. 🙂 From what you describe, that’s what it sounds like to me. As many people much more qualified than I am have said, it never works well if one partner wants a monogamous relationship and the other wants an open relationship (of whatever kind). If you want a more open relationship and your husband doesn’t, that’s going to be hard, maybe impossible, to negotiate.

      Or if you don’t want an open relationship, you should explore with the counselor why you went ahead with the flirtation. That will also be a rough journey, because you will probably have to unpack some old issues that you may or may not have thought were resolved.

      My own personal experience is strictly of the ‘he cheated because he wanted something new, we broke up, he cheated on new girl, etc.’ variety or the ‘I *need* my space and six months after breaking up he married someone who kept him on a tight leash, metaphorically’ variety. Any open relationships I’ve personally been involved in were that way from the start, all cards on the table.

      No matter what, yeah, this will be a difficult time for you and your husband. If you want to stay with him, couples counseling is probably a good idea too (or if your appointment is as a couple, individual counseling is a good idea). Some of these issues you will need to talk about as a couple, but some it might be better to explore in individual counseling, then bring those insights into the couples.

      Like I said, I don’t have anything that isn’t recommended in most difficult relationship advice, but it’s a start. I guess, if nothing else, and you just need to vent feelings, you could email me: danielzgc (appropriate symbol) yahoo.com I’ve often been a shoulder for people, and you can use a burner email, I don’t need to know who you are. Also, daniel is a cat, as that email is a semi-burner email for me, ha!

      1. Ethylbenzene +4

        My poly relationship started closed, just as a data point — BUT, before we actually did anything with anyone else, we spent *literally* years discussing it, what we were comfortable with, what we weren’t, philosophies, etc. One person bullying the other into an open relationship, especially by cheating first then saying “hey let’s do this open thing,” is UGH yuck yuck yuck.

        1. newglasses

          yeah, but I don’t get the sense that @because is trying to bully their husband into a poly situation; it seems to me that they are more uncertain about what was/is going on? Which would mean that counseling and figuring out why they were receptive to the flirtation and the kiss would be very helpful. And that they have taken flirtation a bit too far at other times?

          And if @because is interested in exploring poly relationships and their husband is not, well, that’s going to be difficult to impossible to work out. I’ve never seen that work well, and as someone who tended more towards monogamous relationships, I know that I would not want to be the monogamous partner of someone exploring poly relationships. I’m not closed to the possibility of a poly relationship, but it would have to be very specific circumstances, and if someone sprang it on me in a similar fashion, I would take it badly. It’s not the kiss itself (that could be just one of those things, we work it out and move on), but that there had been prior semi-innocent flirtations and now they took it up a notch. That would be very hard for me to hear, if it was my relationship, but I wouldn’t be putting the whole relationship immediately in the dumpster because of it.

          No matter what, though, both of them are both going to have some difficult conversations, and figure out what they both want from themselves, each other, and the relationship.

    2. Ethylbenzene +7

      Oof, yuck. I’m a poly lady, and what the friend did (kiss first, ask later) is NOT the way you get what you want out of any sort of arrangement. This sounds like something your husband really wasn’t expecting and he is reacting very strongly to right now, but that may not be the way it is forever. Give him some space, go to counseling, and hopefully help him see that when you put your marriage in one scale and one single kiss with a flirty shady dude in the other scale, they’re nowhere near equal.

      I think there’s a big narrative about/within monogamy that “cheating is the worst thing ever and if any cheating whatsoever happens it is cause for immediate dissolution of the relationship,” and I think that’s really damaging. Hopefully a good, solid relationship can weather something like this. Having dealt with cheating, been poly, and dealt with other serious life-altering events (illness, death, poverty, etc.) with my spouse over nearly 20 years, I’d rather my spouse cheat on me a thousand times than sit with him watching his mother slowly suffocate from cancer.

      Having said that, if you think that the kiss has more to do with some deep problems in your relationship with your spouse, you owe it to both of you to be honest about it, as hard as that might be for everyone. If the kiss was your way of giving yourself an “out,” or if this other (SO SHADY) dude is giving you something you feel is lacking with your spouse, for example, then deal with the root causes.

  91. eegghh +6

    It’s not going to feel like an opportunity right now, but there’s an important thing to point out here: You are the kind of person who is brave enough to leap for love, and even right now, when it doesn’t feel like that was worth it, it is absolutely worth being the kind of person who takes those risks. Being wrong a lot is better than never trying hands down. Your ex is the kind of person who was cowardly enough to let you make a huge leap and then only at the last minute bail on you, leaving you in a totally shitty position.

    I’d rather be and be with someone who is a fool for love than someone who is a coward. 5 years! 5 YEARS. Thats enough fucking time to figure her shit out. She let you make plans and waited till they were made. THATS MESSED UP. You get to be as sad as you want for now, but I’m telling you, you deserve better and I suspect it’s out there waiting for you to go find it.

    Right now of course you’ll feel like nothing new is out there. It’s ok. I had something like this happen to me a year ago and it hurt like crazy, but then it got better quicker than I expected and I credit the book Getting Past Your Breakup, it’s pretty simple but it really does the trick. I have my fingers crossed for you.