Amy Collier’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
E.T. doesn’t give in to Scientology.
The teens of Clueless were alive the whole time.
The New Yorkers of Do the Right Thing do not surrender to Mussolini’s tyranny.
None of the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park get into college.
Sophie chooses not to run for office. She’s got enough going on.
In Waiting to Exhale, Savannah finally exhales and thus cheats death once again.
Mary Poppins didn’t murder anyone.
Jaws never finds out what happened to Amelia Earhart.
The motorcycle diaries weren’t magic to begin with. The magic was in Che’s heart all along.
The main guy in Ghost is dead.
Thelma and Louise may not find the treasure of the Sierra Madre, but they do discover a lot about themselves on their journey.
None of the youths in Rent are ruled to be witches by the townsfolk.
The kids in Battle Royale can’t overthrow President Snow.
The asteroid headed for earth narrowly misses killing everyone in The Lion King.
The film adaptation of Alice Walker’s classic novel The Color Purple features no scenes in which Celie flies a zeppelin.
Valerie Solanas shoots Andy Warhol in I Shot Andy Warhol.
The Last Unicorn won’t be set up by some hotshot young cop who’s playing both sides.
No one’s attempt to assassinate the president in Bring It On fails.
Turns out Old Boy wasn’t an alien at all.
Selena’s tour bus will not be held back by a bomb set to explode if the bus drops below 50 miles per hour so that it hurtles through Los Angeles on a crazy speed rush until a hero arises who is brave enough to disarm it and keep the bus and everyone on it from blowing up in a climax for the ages.
The bicycle thief in The Bicycle Thief steals a bike.
Illustrator: Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.
I’m sad for the poor amibtion-thwarted dinosaurs.
People will say it’s their own fault that they couldn’t meet the admission requirements, but the fact is that when you’re not given access to any guidance counseling whatsoever or even adequate college prep coursework, and when none of your role models know how to help you because they came of age millions of years before college was even invented, it’s not that you’ve failed – it’s that the system has failed you.
Thumbs would probably have helped too.
The kids in Battle Royale can’t overthrow President Snow
I see what you did there.
That said, I would watch Celie captain a zeppelin in a steampunk version of The Color Purple anytime.
I’m pretty sure the only reason Celie never flew a zeppelin is because Sofia would have wrestled the controls from her and aggressively solved the world’s problems.
…excuse me, I have some fanfiction to consider
I will read this fanfiction if you write it.
please post a link when you’re done
Mary Poppins didn’t murder anyone.
I’m not so sure about that.
I came here to say this exact thing. I don’t believe for one minute she didn’t.
Yeah, that bag holds a LOT.
Oh god, just picturing the police with yellow tape set up around the carpet bag, pulling out body after body… It never stops.
“We’ve got another one in here, sir.” a voice echoes from the distant caverns. “Oh god, this one’s been in here a while.”
And thus, after all these years, Richard III is absolved of all suspicion.
Book Mary Poppins sure did, tho.
Mary Poppins is like Willy Wonka except even MORE dangerously eccentric in the way that’s like “I didn’t murder them, interdimensional time travel just doesn’t agree with everyone.” 😛
Someone didn’t read the last volume of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, obviously.
Does this look like a murderer to you? http://images.starpulse.com/Photos/Previews/Mary-…
what about this though http://a.dilcdn.com/bl/wp-content/uploads/sites/2…
Mary Poppins murdered everyone.
It seems unlikely that not one of those prospective nannies blown down the street by hurricane force winds didn’t land poorly on their neck.
Mary Poppins didn’t murder anyone.
THAT WE KNOW OF.
The priest in Thirst was an alien, though.
Mary Poppins murdered many, many people, she just knew to be subtle and fly out of town before anyone caught wise. Did anyone hear from Uncle Albert or the Bird Woman ever again? I rest my case.
What were the birds being fed?
Man those poor dinosaurs. I know how they feel. Looking at you, CornellWellesleyWilliam&MaryDukeVassar.
I thought for sure the velociraptor would have gotten in. She’s such a clever girl.
“I am an efficient killing machine” is not the kind of personal statement most admissions offices are looking for.
Charles Foster Kane is dead.
Dead as a door-nail. Now I want a “Citizen Kane”/”Christmas Carol” mashup.
I would definitely watch a film in which Jaws goes on a quest to discover what did happen to Amelia Earhart.
Oh, I think Jaws knows.
Mary Poppins WAS the long-lost mother of the Banks children, come back to take her revenge.
The Wizard did give Jules a heart, although he couldn’t do anything about Vincent’s heroin addiction.
Wait, does that mean that I am Valerie Solanas?
I guess that would explain my urge to cut up men.
“No one’s attempt to assassinate the president in Bring It On fails.”
Meaning they all succeeded.
We never learn whether the President was a Clover or a Toro.
right, i am imagining a madcap romp, ala ’70s, where multiple small groupings with separate plans pull off their respective assassination attempts simultaneously.
i see this a comedy? with maybe some yakety-sax thrown in?
It seems unlikely that not one of those prospective nannies blown down the street by hurricane force winds didn't land poorly on their neck.
Darth Vader’s mask was not Luke’s father; there was a bald guy living behind it the whole time.
Mary Poppins didn’t murder anyone.
THAT WE KNOW OF.