596 Comments

  1. aravisthequeen +15

    Happy early Fourth, American Toast!

    I am having a friend down for the weekend and trying to distract myself from anxiously awaiting my dad’s CAT scan results on Monday. Also I will be reviewing some truly awful books at my blog next week and the week after, which brings me much perverse joy.

    1. Bothari +1

      Sending good vibes for your dad! And hooray for reviews of terrible books! Those are such fun to write.

    2. EllaAstor +6

      I hope the scan shows that your dad’s chemo is working … Sending thoughts and prayers your dad’s way, with additional prayers and hugs for you.

    4. Ethylbenzene +1

      I hope you have a good time this weekend and get some distraction, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for good news on Monday.

  2. ToastiewithCheese +9

    We totally have to have a BBHMM thread, right? I enjoyed the exploitationy vibe and Rihanna’s ‘tude, and I had no real problem with the violence because it felt so cartoony, but Helen Lewis does sort of have a point that the video perpetuates the get-to-a-guy-by-violating-his-woman trope. http://www.newstatesman.com/culture/2015/07/lets-…

    Thoughts?

    1. isabelmosqueira +5

      I saw it and didn’t knew what to think!! please, internet give think pieces to translate these feelings into words!! (that sounds snarky and sarcastic, but I’m saying it seriously. I’m a sheeeeep).
      Anyways, this is how I felt (rudimentarily written):
      Violence against women (specially the part of sexual humiliation) makes me uncomfortable, no matter what context. Like, do we need to see another time a naked woman hanging from the ceiling?. But I do think is different (worse) when men do it (eg. the dehumanization of the female body in Kanye’s monster video). Also, given that is woman on woman violence (for most of the video), I appreciate that the reason for the aggression is pure business, not envy or rivalry between them (coff, coff, bad blood), so that’s good. Moreover, I really liked that Rihanna’s gang didn’t looked like a runway or were her famous friends (coff, coff, bad blood). Finally, I do suspect there’s something rebellious in the power dynamics in the video and overall Rihanna’s attitude. A big F YOU to white, old money-ish rich people.
      Conclusion: Even with the problems, BBHMM > the snooze best that is bad blood (or any other pop recent pop video for that matter).

      1. ToastiewithCheese +7

        I agree: give me all the thinkpieces!

        I think an important difference with Bad Blood is that Taylor (who I love!) is clearly just playing at being a killer badass, while Rihanna exudes badassness pretty much non-stop. She’s also not afraid to make thing ugly, while everything in Bad Blood was sanitized (I do love the Blank Space video, however. The playfully bitchy vibe of that suits Taylor much better).

      2. grumblyqueer +6

        I honestly don’t care about anything except the “woman’s corpse stuffed in a trunk” shot that turned out to be a “murderess Rihanna getting stoned on a trunk full of cash” shot. It was all about getting that ransom, they weren’t sexually assaulting her, and in some scenes the wife was wearing just as much as Rihanna’s crew.

    2. Frumiosa +7

      Yeah I found it way disturbing, especially that we don’t know what happens to the hostage in the end. I don’t think Rihanna gets a free pass on violence/exploitation. I mean, why didn’t she just go after the “bitch” in the first place, instead of kidnapping and torturing his wife? I get that she wanted to be edgy or whatever but it left a really bad taste in my mouth.

      1. Roman +1

        Agreed — I realize it was supposed to be in the grindhouse style, but it still felt like lowbrow torture-porn to me. Some people above have been pointing out that there are mitigating factors to the sexual assault but I don’t think any of those factors would have been materially changed if the woman had been wearing clothes the entire time. It’s like a variation on the sexy lamp theory. Does the Grand Meaning of your story change if the woman is wearing sensible clothing? If not, and it usually doesn’t, give her something else to wear.

        I think because Rihanna has generally a progressive reputation in that she owns her sexuality, she doesn’t take shit from anyone, etc, people want to ignore the disturbing aspects of this video. She’s not perfect and I think we, in general, need to get more comfortable accepting that people we like and celebrate will be on the money (so to speak) in some way and wayyy off the mark in others.

  3. Bothari +7

    Hi all! I had an interview on Monday and I’ve been so good all week at not freaking out, but aaaaiiiiiiirrrrrgh! It went well but not so well that I’m not consumed with doubts. I was the first person interviewed, and they had SIX more after me. I had 100% of the experience for one half of the job, and about 75% for the other half. If one of those other six people had 100% of both, I have no chance. And I think that’s probably really likely, and I’d almost rather she send the “thanks but no thanks” email NOW so I can quit quietly freaking, but it’s very likely that she’s still going to be doing interviews into next week, so I’m obviously doomed. Lots of ice cream this weekend!

    1. LaxMom +3

      I am in the same boat! I am awkward at phone interviews, and I’ve gone from thinking I did really well to analyzing every statistical/scientific answer that I gave as being wrong! I’m giving it until next Tuesday (two weeks and one holiday since the interview) and then pretending it won’t happen, if only for my sanity. I have a 50% chance of being called back, but since it’s been 10 days, hope is fading fast. OTOH, so is anxiety, except for the times I”m alone in the car and hyperventilate. Good luck! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!

    2. iosognodisonno +3

      Sometimes being a good fit is as important as experience, so if your personalities seemed compatible and the company is one where you’d fit in with the community, that could make that 25% lack unimportant. There’s no way to know until they decide though. Send a thank you note (in the mail). That made a big difference with the CEO at one company I worked with and helped one of my former co-workers get her job there. Good luck!

    3. Angry Panda +1

      I’m in the same situation, although I am beginning to think I didn’t make the cut, because they were supposed to make a decision in a couple of days. I was so happy I made it to the second round, too. Waiting is the worst! Good luck!

      1. Bothari +1

        Oooh, second round is a good sign. Don’t give up hope yet! Good luck to all of us!

  4. psinistra +8

    Hello Toasters.

    I am coming (from Brighton, UK) to San Francisco on my honeymoon in September. I would really love some suggestions of non-tourist things to do (we’re around for 2 weeks), especially small,bad/ too-small-a-concept museums. Also I read something about when people all have the pugs in the park? Is this a real thing? If so I will be packing a picnic and enjoying dogs vicariously. Thank you and Happy Fourth of July!

    1. Kai_Ko +5

      My husband and I spent four days in SF during our own honeymoon last fall, and while we definitely erred on the more touristy side of things, 826 Valencia in the Mission district (and its attendant Pirate-themed gift/support store) is very charming and a bit unusual. Plus, there’s an ice cream parlour across the street which is tres delicious.

    2. AlmondTort +4

      Totally not your question, but HI BRIGHTON TOASTIE, I did not realise we were legion.

      2. HotDoom +3

        Hello other Brighton toasties! (well, former Brightonian current Oxfordian, hopefully Brightonian again quite soon).

        @Floraaldridge, This might veer into touristy, but the Tonga Room is sort of legendary and I’m recommending it anyway for it’s high kitsch factor. It’s an überPolynesian/tiki bar that is partly made of a ship’s deck and has a lagoon that gets rained on in a faux monsoon at regular intervals. It’s a trip and totally cheesy but that’s why it’s fun!

          1. bookwormV +2

            Ha, I am from very near Brighton, went to Oxford, came back and worked in Brighton for a bit, and am now in London.

        2. psinistra +2

          Tourist kitsch + booze : I’m in. Thanks for the tip!

          And I am delighted by all this Brighton Toasting!

    3. deleted2570704 +5

      I’m not from SF but I did visit there in February and here were my favourite things:
      (1) a Sexitude Dance class (I went to the one at Mission Dance Brigade)
      (2) renting a bike and cruising around Golden Gate park + the Sutro Baths at Land’s End Park.
      (3) Dolores Park in the Mission, lot’s of picnicing though I didn’t do a pug count
      (4) and something that is probably up your alley but sadly no longer there – the Museum of Broken Relationshipsat a gallery called Root Division. The mothership of the museum is in Croatia and they do traveling exhibits, so keep an eye out – it was really great.

      1. psinistra +1

        Great tips, thanks!

        Those baths though!! Straight up brilliant. Thanks, they’re going straight on the list! The more I hear about the more I feel like I’m not going to want to leave SF.. but I do love Brighton, so.

        And the museum of Broken Relationships! Aargh I forgot how much I want to see that. Ages ago I remember poring through the online gallery which was tantalisingly limited.. I will definitely keep my eye out for that elsewhere.

        1. deleted2570704 +3

          Do keep an eye out, it was so moving! Here’s the one that gutted me:


          Have a most glorious time in SF with your love, I have no doubt you will!

    4. bookwormV +2

      Have fun! I mentally assume SF is basically the Brighton of America (hills, seaside, LGBTQ stuff), so hopefully that should be pleasant.

      1. psinistra +3

        ……that is pretty much why we’re going.

        We were going to go to Cuba because it seemed like the right time and then we were like “eh… it might be quite a difficult trip and also they’re not mad for the lesbians.. hey lets go to SF, it’s like home but different.”

        2. anotherkate_sf +2

          If you end up going to Oakland, there’s a lesbian bar called the White Horse. Sadly, the Lexington, which was the last lesbian bar in SF, closed recently. This Queer Girl Guide to SF is a couple years old, but it’s worth looking at http://www.autostraddle.com/queer-girl-city-guide…
          As for museums, the Musee Mecanique is a lot of fun (coin op everything), you’ll need to bring cash but they have change machines there so don’t worry about quarters. Also Chenery House, Museum of Craft & Design, Contemporary Jewish Museum, Cable Car Museum. Lots of others, check Yelp.
          A couple of websites I like for events are dealtrackersf.com and sf.funcheap.com
          Also there are a lot of beautiful murals and street art to be seen, check out streetartsf.com
          Good bars for hipster watching are Zeitgeist and Beretta.
          Oh and try to get to a farmers market, you will be tempted to buy all the produce, but at least try some pluots, peaches, cherries, figs and of course avocados.
          I live in SF so if you want any other suggestions I’d be happy to help.

          1. psinistra +1

            Thanks for the queer girl city guide tip! That’s brilliant. We will definitely check out the White Horse… standard part of any holiday is “find the local gay bar and prepare to get stared at…”

            Also love the sound of the Musee Mecanique!

    5. BakesAndRuns +2

      Congratulations on your honeymoon! If you have time, I highly recommend taking BART across the bay to Uptown Oakland (I live in Oakland, I’m extremely biased towards my side of the Bay, etc). There are some great bars around 19th st and 12th st BART stations (Dogwood, Woods Brewery, The Trappist, and Cafe Van Kleef are especially fun). The Oakland Museum of California is pretty cool, too – they recently revamped their natural history section, and often have cool events during the summer. I went to a cheese-making class there, and a friend went to a sheep-shearing. Have fun!!

      1. psinistra +1

        Aw, thanks! Yeah, Oakland has been recommended already so I think we’ll do that.. I can’t imagine anything more fun than a cheese making class or sheep shearing, so we’ll check out what’s available when we’re there..

        I love how the Toast knows how to recommend the right things. You are all brilliant.

    6. kate

      There are a great many weird and wonderful things in SF, and just meandering around the city will surface fun niches!
      I do feel compelled to call out the tourist-y things that are actually worth it:
      1. Conservatory of Flowers (GG Park): Gorgeous, and especially nice on a foggy day (as it’s all warm inside)
      2. Ferry Building: Just don’t go at noon. I love going ~2pm for a late lunch.
      3. Land’s End trail + Presidio
      4. Tartine: Go for morning buns! Especially great mid-morning on a weekday, as it gets packed on the weekend. Good bet to get a decent cup of tea, too. 😉

      Also, if no one’s given you a heads up about the weather, September should be lovely but I always recommend traveling with light layers. The weather can change in an instant (or between neighborhoods) and the fresh-off-the-ocean fog is quite icy.

      1. psinistra +1

        Oh yeah the light layers! Literally everything I’ve read says “layers. take layers. Oh and don’t forget… layers.” I’m using this advice as legit reasoning to buy expensive fine-knit jumpers so if there’s no fog now I’ll have some explaining to do…!

        Also thanks I had completely forgotten that tea is different when you’re outside the UK – will definitely check out Tartine for tea and buns. Thank you!

    7. permanentmarker +1

      I’m several days late responding, but I second the recommendations for the Musee de Mechanique. And, if you’re going to make the trip to Fisherman’s Wharf anyway, you might as well hit up the mirror maze at the Ripleys Believe It Or Not museum. The rest of the museum is totally NOT worth going to, but the mirror maze is kitschy and fun and you can pay for it without buying museum admission (there are also a lot of social media coupons for it if you keep your eyes open). For both the best time to go is early in the day midweek if you can swing it.

      The other place we used to take visitors when we lived in SF is the Bay Model Museum — it’s a small concept, but huge facility & really cool if either of you is the least big science or geography geeky. Also never crowded, which is a plus. http://www.oursausalito.com/bay-model.html

      1. psinistra +1

        MODEL MUSEUM! Yes, I am so up for this. Thank you! Loving that website too. “When it’s raining the Bay Model is a sprawling place to visit that’s both dry and fascinating for kids. It’s not a place where kids get a chance to run, but they’ll do a lot of walking”. Dry AND fascinating?! I’m in…

  5. Kai_Ko +9

    Oh, good morning! Happy weekend! I know some Toasties are writers, and also voracious readers, of speculative fiction, science fiction, post-apocalyptic fiction, and other genres along this bent. If I was to, say, make a goal of submitting more of my own writing that falls along these lines, what should I read? Where I should I submit? What do you enjoy?

    1. jenavira +3

      Man, the_other_Kate pretty much summed it up, but I would add: it has been said that the science fiction community can be defined as people who read Locus, people who used to read Locus, and people who refuse to read Locus. (I do not read Locus, but only because it’s an expensive subscription and I’m terrible at magazines.) At the very least you should check out Locus’s awards lists, because hoo boy do they get at the good stuff, especially in years like this when the Hugos have been shat upon. They also organize the amazing Index to Science Fiction Awards, which will let you zero in on publications for specific subtypes of speculative fiction. (Of interest to Toasties, most likely: Lambda awards for queer fiction; Tiptree awards for gender-bending fiction.)

      Do check out Aqueduct Press and Small Beer Press if you’re in the awkward too long for short story/too short for novel range; they do a lot of chapbooks and small books.

    2. ppyajunebug +3

      Another place you might like: The Book Smugglers recently started publishing short stories. They’re in the middle of publishing their second round (around the theme “First Contact”) and will hopefully be accepting submissions for a third round soon. Might be a good place to check out, especially if you like writing to a prompt (I tend to work better that way).

    4. autumnlorayne +1

      to read: Kage Baker. Time travel, cyborgs, but somehow reads more like fantasy… hard to pin down. Really good though.

  6. kjschapira +8

    What do you all read when you want to cry? You know, the thing you read when you’re having too many feelings about too many things, and you just need to have simple, powerful sentiments? I KNOW Toasties will have an answer to this question.

    It’s been different things for me at different times, but right now Seanan MacGuire’s Birthday Unending series on her tumblr is serving me well in this regard. Also sticking in my head, a passage from Kirstin Cashore’s Bitterblue: “It’s not the child’s job to protect the mother. When you allowed your mother to protect you, you gave her a gift.”

    1. ToastiewithCheese +6

      I tend to turn to television when I want to cry (Call the Midwife always does the trick), but here are some books that have made me cry:
      – Sans Famille, which wikipedia tells me is called Nobody’s Boy in English (by Hector Malot)
      – The Time Traveler’s Wife
      – Jane Eyre

      1. Either_Ada +6

        Seconded on Call the Midwife. Ugly snot weeping by the end of many episodes. And I don’t often cry at books/TV/movies.

    2. PierrePoutine +2

      Speaking of the fourth of July, the Sufjan Stevens song by that name is a certified tear-jerker.

      1. ToastiewithCheese +3

        Oh man, that whole album. And I don’t remember which in which song is happens (it may actually be fourth of July), but at one point you can hear him inhale as if he’s going to cry and it gets me every time.

    4. grumblyqueer +3

      I don’t cry for anything less than a passel of dead dogs or the AIDS epidemic, so this right here is heavy-duty stuff. It’s a movie called It’s My Party, about a dude with AIDS who gets incurable brain lesions and decides to end his own life, and invites his family & friends over for one last hurrah. You basically go through the cycle of grief with the people around him and cry through the whole thing. It’s good for when you have dying family members about whom you have conflicted feelings- horrible, but cathartic.

    6. owlegg +2

      I listen to OK Computer by Radiohead. It’s juuuust bleak enough. I sit in my bed in the dark and really lean into my sad feels and cry.

    7. iosognodisonno +3

      This video always tends to make me cry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJG0lqukJTQ

      It’s just so lovely and touching and Margo Martindale is reliably amazing and just the little details (like she has to keep her trip short because of her dogs and she works so hard to learn French to have people respond to her in English). It hits the spot for me.

    8. fakely_mctest +1

      Vera Chapman’s “The Three Damosels” trilogy for sure, although mostly The King’s Damosel, which always makes me ugly cry. Toasties who are fans of Lynette from the Arthur legends and also…uh, potentially crying? may enjoy it as well.

    9. Brooks +1

      My wife chops onions. (Seriously. Physiology starts the tears going, and then she can let the feelings out into them.)

    1. houblonchouffe +18

      Moa has become a very effective loaf. Probably with a savory chicken filling. Perhaps vol-au-vent?

        1. houblonchouffe +4

          Oooh maybe? Though he’d be a very thick cloud. London pea-soup fog?

          2. houblonchouffe +5

            He is currently a solid cumulonimbus with eyes and chicken filling that is hiding from the noisy aeroplanes practicing stunts over the house, poor baby.

          4. houblonchouffe +2

            At least it isn’t the Blue Fucking Angels this year.

            In 2004-ish I was working in a call center downtown when they were practicing directly overhead. Our windows shook through the whole building and the people I was on the phone with thought we were actually getting bombed.

          5. ru_ri +1

            The unquestioning enthusiasm for the Blue Angels really pisses me off. Huge waste of fuel, terrorizes pets, raises blood pressure in most humans, just bloody noisy and dumb. Where’s the appeal? I’d rather have circus performers or something. A tractor pull! Pro wrestling!

            Well, I’m too much of a curmudgeon to even go to the Cherry Festival, so I probably should be more charitable. Still. Poor loaf-kitty, I hope he’s not too freaked out.

          6. houblonchouffe +1

            And the TRASH. Oh my god, last year’s trash was UNBELIEVABLE. And apparently the pilots are uniformly douchenozzles. And PTSD vets? Ugh. The vintage planes from a couple years ago were super cool; I wish they’d do that again.

            I am also more curmudgeonly than your average Cherry-Fest-goer, but am making an exception for Joan Jett on Thursday. Otherwise, my preferred Fests are polka-themed and possible involving movies; though I have to remind myself that Film Fest crowds are (if possible) WORSE than Cherry crowds because while Cherry Fest is mostly people having a nice time going on the carousel and watching the dog long jump and parades, Film Fest people have a much MUCH higher level of snob.

      1. anninyn +4

        Put the photo somewhere like facebook or photobucket, then rightclick on it and click ‘copy image location’. Then paste the address you get in between this code (without the spaces after the “<” and before the “>”) < img src= “put link here” / >

      2. Es_Petal +3

        They need to be online somewhere, and then you need the direct link in ‘img’ tags – so

        [img src=”https://c2.staticflickr.com/4/3794/19322128771_bd4746c147.jpg] but with < > instead of [ ]

        if you use photobucket or flickr there are direct ‘html’ links on the photo page that will do it for you.

      3. Momthra +20

        One of my three foster kittens! They’re four weeks old and I have them for a month.

      4. Momthra +17

        And this little guy falls asleep in my bed every night! He is the tiniest thing and he snuggles in my armpit and puts his head on my shoulder and snoozes away.

        They all still need names, if anyone is feeling inspired!

    6. octopoda +22

      This was the scene when I came to bed last night. Creepy Minna sitting and staring at my wife sleeping:

  8. smeesmeesmee +12

    Happy long weekend to Americans! I am not, but am super excited about my weekend nonetheless. Here are some things I am doing:
    1. Tonight am going to see Magic Mike XXL in a SE London rowdy cinema with 5 lady friends
    2. Post-cinema we are going to a local 90s rnb night also in SE London (bonus: a 10 minute walk back home)
    3. Karaoke tomorrow night for a friend’s birthday (we plan on recreating the karaoke scene from ep 4 of Sense8. I will be Wolfie, she will be Kala)
    4. Brutalist architecture exhibition
    5. Making achat (Malaysian spicy vegetable pickle dish)
    6. Eating achat on Sunday eve for dinner, whilst rewatching Sense8

    I’m so excited.

    1. loren_smith +2

      Ohhh I love brutalist architecture! It is under appreciated, truly. I briefly attended Simon Fraser University, and was always sad to hear other students make fun of the buildings. Have a great weekend!

    2. goonerkate +2

      The Sense8 karaoke plan is fantastic! That scene absolutely made me fall in love with the show. Wolfie and Kala are amazing.

    3. geekcrackteam +2

      1- SE London rowdy cinema is in Peckham I presume?
      2- Where is this 90s rnb night? #notastalker

      1. smeesmeesmee +1

        Haha! I wish it were the peckhamplex as that is rowdy cinema number one of my heart, but they are showing it at odd times today so we’re going Surrey Quays Odeon.

        90s rnb is at Jam Circus in Crofton Park – during the day it’s a cafe bar type place but the first Friday of the month is a totally amazing dance night. We generally go each month so let me know if you ever want to! It’s really friendly too – have had lots of hilarious chats with people every time I’ve gone.

        1. geekcrackteam +1

          How random! I live in Croton Park and have totally been to Jam Circus! I’ve definitely been to some DJ night there, its was awesome fun! So much dancing and I can walk home, which is always a bonus in London. Have to ever gone to the Rivioli Ballroom? that one is on my bucket list

          The Jam Circus also has the cutest barman working there, I may have made up reasons to go there with friends purely to stare at him

          1. smeesmeesmee +1

            Shit! That is random and I live in Ladywell. We should go for a daytime Jam Circus. I’m @dearoldsmee on twitter if you want to communicate not on the open thread. Which cute barman? We are in the car driving from the cinema – Magic Mike XXL was a religious experience. And I can’t tell you how much I NEED to dance after seeing that.

  9. cosetthetable +50

    I promised you pictures of my wings for my shoes!!!

    (these were purchased so I could go to The Weepies concert in “bright red boots if they had wings” (lyric from song). The Weepies saw my pic! And favorited it!)

    1. Xolandra +5

      There is nothing better in this whole wide world than attention from your famous favourites. Gratz!

  10. Trish +1

    Toasties, do you have any advice on how to deal with headaches during your period? Sometimes I get the feeling it’s getting worse each month. I usually take a paracetamol, but at the moment, that’s not helping much.

      1. Trish +1

        Sadly, caffeine’s not doing it for me anymore, probably because I’m already drinking too much coffee 🙁

    2. ToastiewithCheese +5

      Wine? That’s what I do. No idea if it actually helps, but it definitely makes me feel better in some way.

    3. fenixdawn +4

      Have you ever tried acupuncture or just pressure points? I’ve used acupuncture for various ills and it usually helps.

        1. fenixdawn +3

          This isn’t for headaches but menstrual cramps, but there is a spot on the shin that by pressing firmly helps alleviate cramps. It feels like strange magic but it totally works. It’s hard to describe where the point is (like a few inches down from the knee, on the front inside of the shin bone) but check online or ask an acupuncturist to show you!

    4. LaxMom +2

      I’m starting perimenopause, and I’ve determined that ovulation and right-before-period progesterone drops are my downfall. I’ve started using an over the counter progesterone cream
      (it’s this one :http://www.vitacost.com/source-naturals-progesterone-cream-4-oz-1?csrc=GPF-PA-Vitamins%20%26%20Supplements-021078071624&ci_gpa=pla_with_promotion&ci_kw=&ci_src=17588969&ci_sku=021078071624&gclid=CNPHicWgv8YCFZKBaQodysUH1A
      )
      I use it once every day and twice the week before and wek of my period. If you’re in your 20’s you should only have to supplement progesterone after day 10 until your period is over. It makes a huge difference in and almost eliminates my migraines completely.

      1. Trish +1

        I might try this, thanks. Did you talk to your gynaecologist first or did you just try it out on your own?

    5. SallyRides100Tampons +2

      Really strong cups of mint tea sometimes help me. I also find when I’m headachey I can’t do a lot of rapid “switching” with my vision, ie, I can’t play on my phone while watching TV, but I have crap eyesight so it’s probably just me.

    6. aravisthequeen +4

      I had terrible headaches that lasted the duration of my period. Doctor told me it was likely to be low iron. I started taking a vitamin with iron–headaches gone!

    7. whollyword +2

      I use a combination of

      1) massage (with a massage therapist who gets– both as in understands, and as in experiences– migraines). My neck muscles are always wrecked in the days prior to my period starting, and then also the first two days or so once it starts, and that seems to be where my headaches originate.

      2) increased amounts of water or herbal tea. Mint, lavender, and/or catnip all seem to help me with headaches, and ginger helps if the headache is combined with nausea.

      3) increased amounts of sleep, preferably in a dark room with a cool compress on my forehead and eyes.

      4) Mygrastick (essential oil in a roller-ball applicator, which I apply to pressure points during headaches.

    8. rachael talcott +1

      I get migraines (menstrual and otherwise). Taking a magnesium supplement daily helps with the frequency. And if the headache comes anyway, the only fix for me is getting in a hot bath while holding a cold compress on my head.

  11. houblonchouffe +12

    Hello, my lovelies. Let’s talk about breaking points at work.

    …as I sit in my office on Independence Day (Observed), one of my contractual paid holidays, having just been told I can’t take Monday off to swap for it

        1. RuncibleSpoon +4

          it seems like at least that these hours should get turned into a general vacation day, since they were actually contractually meant to give it to you.

          edit: in the future, i mean. i thinknif you work contractual holidays they still need to offer the vacation time to you for use.

          1. houblonchouffe +4

            I should get eight “free” hours that don’t count against my accrued vacation or personal time, but that I have to use within a couple of weeks. Was supposed to take it Monday, am still unsure about that.

    2. winterbymorning +10

      I feel like I am inching inexorably close to my breaking point because my coworkers are SO LOUD. I am continually baffled by the fact that the worst offenders have their own offices, except instead of having conversations inside their offices with the door shut, they come out in the little open area in the middle of the cubicle farm and just stand there TALKING REALLY LOUDLY ABOUT INANE BULLSHIT.

      One coworker in particular makes me wonder if she was starved for attention as a child and is trying to compensate for it now, because she seems unable to get through half an hour’s worth of work without having to get up and talk to someone. It’s like she thinks the other people in the office exist solely to satisfy her need for social interaction.The other day I overheard the following exchange between her and another colleague:

      Chatty Cathy: Hey, do you have a minute?
      Unwilling Victim: Actually, I’m pretty busy right now.
      Chatty Cathy: Oh, this will just take a minute and it’s important!
      Unwilling Victim: Okay, what is it?
      Chatty Cathy: I want to show you this picture of me and my kids!
      Unwilling Victim: ….
      Chatty Cathy: They just insisted on taking this picture last weekend and it really meant a lot to me because we don’t have a lot of pictures of the three of us together and it’s really hard on me not having primary custody (continues talking about her kids while at least 2 people wonder if they could get away with locking her in a broom closet for the rest of the day).

      Like, how on earth do you think it’s appropriate to interrupt a coworker who has made it very clear that she is busy so you can show her a picture of your children? I just. I can’t.

      1. RuncibleSpoon +14

        ugh. i am so sorry for you. i am currently free of THAT coworker, but i have been there and there isnt really a way to resolve it.

        currently i sit near a guy who whisper-talks to himself all the time, and it is the worst. somehow because i cant hear what he’s saying it makes it harder to tune him out, and the whisper-whisper-whisper effect feels eldritch and wrong, like evil magic wrong. it is very distracting.

        2. bookwormV +1

          I used to work near someone who kept up a constant running commentary of what she was doing and thinking. It waas really hard to tell if I was supposed to respond to it or just ignore it, and it was infuriating.

    3. fenixdawn +7

      Ah! I just wrote a long winded post deliberating over whether to quit my adjuncting side job! Possible breaking point …. Adjuncts can no longer teach the survey classes (that I have prepped and developed for years) and now would have to teach something I have almost no knowledge in! Oh, and then, when I asked for an open class in an area I know, was told “no, because I can probably fill that class easier than the one you are assigned in that time slot.” Breaking point?? Maybe!!!!!

      1. SallyRides100Tampons +14

        Burn it down.

        I’m being pushed out of teaching my online classes and back into the classroom but my health is making that challenging. I really don’t want to disclose my disability because our administration is unreliable at best. I really don’t want to disclose in order to keep a job that ends up paying me $5 an hour in a good week.

        So yeah, I hear ya.

    4. slowseptember +12

      I recently a) hit my breaking point and b) quit the hell out of my job.

      I am here to recommend it and offer suggestions.

    5. sarah_jay +4

      My boss has been complaining to me about how much the new house he is building is going to cost and I’m worried how I’m going to pay August rent. He also complained that the resort he wanted to go to didn’t have the right week available for his family and I just had to cancel my vacation to visit my sister in Hawaii because I can’t come up with the other half the money for the plane ticket.

      I’ve been putting out feelers and sending out resumes, but only get calls back from recruiters with temp-to-hire positions, which means an extra month without benefits and no information what they are before I leave my current situation/stop looking at other options. I did get today off, but had to work yesterday although everyone else was out. I answered 3 emails, made a half dozen reminder phone calls, and took 3 messages for my boss. I also watched Catastrophe on Amazon, which was fab, totally recommend it, but I could have done that at home.

  12. winterbymorning +9

    Can we talk about last night’s Hannibal because I really need to talk about last night’s Hannibal.

    (Not saying anything in this comment in case anyone is avoiding spoilers.)

    1. aqueousmedium +6

      JAAAAAACK ballet of mayhem

      Has Bedelia been trying to rat Hannibal out with that repeated purchase of Montrachet and truffles? Didn’t she say last season, “They’re beginning to see your patterns”?

      1. winterbymorning +7

        I see it as partly an attempt to establish a pattern that would raise a red flag for anyone who knows Hannibal and his tastes (which worked, as we saw last night with Alana’s impressive detective work*) and an attempt to make herself more visible, just like how she dressed up in that amazing cobalt-blue outfit just to sit under the security camera at the train station for who knows how long – she’s hoping that if Hannibal harms her, that store owner will eventually realize, “Hey, that gorgeous woman who came in every week to buy French wine and truffles hasn’t been by in a while” and maybe call the police.

        * how did she get the receipts from the Florentine store though? I missed that part. Good old-fashioned bribery?

        1. aqueousmedium +3

          Yes exactly, she knows she’s only alive as long as she amuses Hannibal (and props to Gillian Anderson for conveying constant hidden terror so intense she’s practically nauseated – hanging with Hannibal must be like walking a tightrope that could become a noose at any second).

          Oh wait, Alana! I assumed she got into Hannibal’s house and lifted the receipts along with the dinner place settings – that he’s had a history of buying things from that shop (and then shipping to Baltimore, I guess?)

      2. winterbymorning +10

        Also, the last few minutes with Jack were absolutely amazing. I was so torn because on the one hand, Hannibal totally had it coming, he is the absolute WORST, and if anyone deserves to hit him repeatedly it’s Jack. But on the other hand, I love Hannibal and I never want this wild ride to stop and I don’t want that beautiful face roughed up too much.

        Also also, the preview for next week’s ep was “Trust us, it gets crazy” which… oh, NOW it gets crazy? The totem pole of corpses and the beehives inside people’s skulls and the guy slicing off his own face were just a warm-up?

        1. ppyajunebug +7

          GOD BLESS THIS SHOW FOR CONSTSNTLY UPPING THE CRAZY QUOTIENT.

          That fight was the best of both worlds- we got to see Hannibal’s ass handed to him, but he got away in the end so we can have our glorious Hannibal/Will confrontation still.

      3. Unreadaethel +6

        The musical background to the ballet of rage was AMAZING. It was Bella slapping the plaid off him, times a million, set to classical music.

        1. aqueousmedium +4

          “Slapping the plaid off him,” hee.

          The fact that Jack learned his lesson from getting stabbed in the neck was awesome. Don’t try and sneak up on the serial killer with insanely sharp senses! Turn up the music and take your shoes off!

          1. Unreadaethel +4

            I can’t take credit for that line; it’s a Cleolinda original.

            I enjoyed the parallel between Jack taking his shoes off to attack Hannibal and Hannibal taking his shoes off to attack Miriam. Hannibal’s turning everybody into himself.

    2. rolotomassi5 +8

      Can we get a spinoff web show of Mason being awful to everyone? “Spitters are quitters” made me laugh and then think, “Wait, did that just happen on NBC?” The guy they got to replace Pitt is excellent. Fuller is really upping the ante this year after not being able to even make any explicit references to Margot’s orientation last year.

      I am going to miss Pazzi. Loved the dude and his amazing accent. His sacrifice was worth it for the fully deserved ass-handing from Jack.

      1. sarah_jay +8

        Every week I end up saying “this is on NETWORK television?!?!?!?!?!”

        Also starting to worry about myself because I gagged at the snails but not the innards becoming outtards

        1. Unreadaethel +5

          I’m also worried that I was remarkably unfazed by the hanging/disemboweling. TBF, we all knew it was coming, from the movie. But still.

          Actually, my favorite part of that was Jack on the pavement below, just looking up all “goddamnit, Hannibal.”

  13. rallisaurus +9

    I went to Crumbs and Whiskers the new DC Cat Cafe last weekend and it was amazing! So many soft cat bellies! And not as much hissing as you’d think.

    Also, it’s been a while since I did this, but I think we should have another Toastie Instagram follow fest. I’m rallisaurus and I post mostly cat (shocker) and history pics. Follow me!

    1. Es_Petal +4

      I keep thinking I ought to do instragram but I don’t really get it? Can anyone explain it to me please? I am possibly hampered by the fact that I don’t really do internet on my phone, and it doesn’t seem to have an upload from the laptop thing, when I’ve looked at it?

      1. rallisaurus +4

        Yeah, if your phone can’t get the internet it’s really not workable. You can’t post from the web application, only the mobile app. But I used to use it on my ipod touch.

        But I basically use it show off random things I like taking pictures of. Since my account is on private I don’t really use hashtags much, but I know lots of people who do theme accounts rather than personal things. Like they take only pictures of city scenes or food or cats or bunnies.

    2. eskenosen +8

      !! Tell me everything. How many cats. Do you sit down and then they are friendly and sit on your lap. Do they cuddle with each other. Is there one of those giant cat-path-and-shelf constructions so they can climb the walls and ceilings are there cats in the ceiling. How does anyone get anything done. Is it like visiting your one weird aunt where you can’t keep track of all the cats while you eat stale carrot cake. I want to go to there.

      1. rallisaurus +8

        I think there were about 15 cats? And like 30 people. So it was super crowded. You have to reserve ahead of time for an hour of cat-time. Although I’m assuming that early weekday mornings you could probably just walk in? But basically it’s two rooms (on two floors) full of cats and cat furniture and a few chairs and cushions for humans. There’s no way you could sit and bring your laptop or something, though I suppose you could bring a book and just camp out next to a cat for an hour? If you were super flush you could reserve the whole day.

        When I went most of the cats were sound asleep. Like so asleep that touching their paws didn’t even wake them! And their bellies were all covered in catnip, so I think the earlier crowd was a bit rowdy and tired them out or something. But then you just have a bunch of docile furry creatures to pet for an hour. So it was nice!

      1. laurenipsum +1

        I only have an account for the farm, but it’s mostly cute critters. We had piglets last weekend so they feature prominently right now. dropstonefarms

          3. Unreadaethel +1

            Aw, man. I’d been trying to find a way to ask over on there if she was the same person as you, but I didn’t want to alert the Cracked hordes to the Toast’s existence, because then our fearless editrices would have so much more work to do deleting bullshit comments.

          4. laurenipsum +1

            Hm, perhaps I shall have to go look up this worthy holder of the name. No, I’m laurenipsum in a lot of useless places — it’s my go-to username at random crap I sign up for, but very little of significance, except, you know, the domain name.

    4. anotherkate_sf +2

      Yes! I am anotherkate_sf and I like to post pics of the graffiti and street art here in San Francisco.

    5. sarah_jay +1

      I’m sarah_jwh on instagram. I mostly post quilty/crafty things, food I make and my Tiny Dog.

    6. socktantrum +1

      I’m @olliegrace on instagram, currently ‘gramming my cross-country move/road trip.

  14. winterbymorning +5

    FALLEN LONDON THREAD! What is everyone up to?

    I am engaged in a scheme to open up my own salon, but it is totally burning through my Connections, especially Connected: Society which went from 103 to 57… I’m banished from Court, which makes grinding on Society (hee hee) trickier than it absolutely has to be. I’m still confused as to why inviting the Music-Hall Singer to my salon set me back in my scheme, but it hella boosted my Making Waves so I guess I’m okay with it. I’m also working on increasing my Notability so I can upgrade my lodgings, but I want either a Sanctum in the Brass Embassy or whatever the next-tier lodging is at the Bazaar, and you need some pretty pricy items for that (M—–‘s B—d!) so it will take quite a while.

    1. ToastiewithCheese +2

      I’m currently a bit unsure of what to do. I want to progress with Jack’s case, but I need a Whirring Contraption for that and I stupidly spent all my Phosphorescent Scarabs to get the necessary memories of light, forgetting that I also needed those.

      I’m also trying to become an Editor. And I’ve got my Notability at 2, should be able to increase that in a week or two.

      1. spring chickens +4

        You could go to Watchmaker’s Hill and get enough wax (from the lady who needs help killing frost moths) to turn the wax into scarabs! Or if you are a POI, you can solicit a present from people for just how cool you are in Ladybones, and it will be lots of wax (“Unfinished Business”).

        1. ToastiewithCheese +3

          Oooh, thanks for the tip! I am a POI, so off to Ladybones Road I go.

      2. aqueousmedium +1

        Re: Whirring Contraptions, you can also obtain them directly by raising Dramatic Tension in the Wilmot’s End carousel, assuming you have that access. It’s a bit grindy, but faster than side converting.

    2. elsajeni +3

      I am still fooling around at Mahogany Hall and I love it! I taught a devil manners and I fell off a trapeze three times!

    3. aqueousmedium +3

      Having a terrible time in the Neathy job market this week. Theoretta Rizing is failing all her goddamned checks for upgrading to Correspondant and Insufficiency Jones is waiting for a nice murdery job opportunity like Enforcer or Rat-Catcher, but cannot catch a break with cards.

      Still, Theoretta’s opened up the way to Flute Street and am looking forward to that!

    4. katenepveu +3

      This month’s Exceptional Friend story is pretty great; you can read my echoes starting from here.

      Then I noticed I had some of the things from Port Carnelian and set off to Zee only to realize I must’ve been kicked out, rather than left on my own, because I didn’t have an option to go there. So I’m looping the Iron Republic (because there’s no opportunity cards, so I don’t have to fret that I’m losing out if I don’t clear them out regularly over the weekend) and then I’ll go refresh my memory about the places I haven’t been recently, and then come back to London.

      1. winterbymorning +3

        I sold July’s location to February and feel guilty about it now. Vipsania Beauregard is less steadfast and more opportunistic than I would like sometimes.

        1. katenepveu +1

          I really appreciate that people in the forums have started being thorough about echoing different options, so I can see all the end results’ text without having to make OOC choices.

          I wish the Revoluntionaries weren’t so awful! I was all, “yeah, screw the Masters,” until I found out what they wanted instead. =<

    5. spring chickens +1

      I’m also getting my salon off the ground, and it is somewhat slow going. No tips here. And I have a long-term project for acquiring M—–‘s B—-d, even though I don’t necessarily know what you do with it — Mr. Wines and his lackadaisical parties have annoyed me enough over time to make revenge worth it — not to mention those sketchy plans to destroy or sell off the city to various parties. Also I have a failed but entertaining ongoing career as a repeat-Governor of the Carnelian Coast (I can’t help sympathizing with the tigers more than my fellow Fallen Londoners).

      I’m enjoying being an Author with my own Appreciation Society and receiving a new cellar of wine every week, but attempting to become a Correspondent. Does anyone know how to raise their Scholar of the Correspondence quality above 10? Ocelots and bifurcating owls stop working at that point. Maybe the key is just to become more Watchful.

      1. katenepveu +1

        I believe you have to go to the University and feed Correspondence Plaques into a machine, but you do need very high Watchful; I only made it to 21, the cap, by an Ubergoat and a mood card.

      3. aqueousmedium +1

        You only need SotC 10 to advance to Correspondent – I did it with the Ocelot and the Correspondence Plaques route katenepveu mentioned (a fortuitous A Little Omen card came in handy for the high Watchful requirement).

        Good luck! I just failed the check AGAIN, TWICE.

    6. octopoda +1

      Now that I have my zubmarine I’m putting together a screaming map to open now routes. I also accidentally got embroiled in capturing Jack-of-Smiles? So that too.

    7. Bunburying +2

      Heyo! Just FYI, inviting someone to your salon like that is intended to do just what it did: it exchanges the Scheme that you’ve built up for a huge lump of Making Waves precisely so that you can “store up” Making Waves and then use them when you need to advance your Notability. In other words: you’re doing it right!

      As for myself, I finished up the Exceptional Story for June this week and decided to sell out those silly cats for massive lucre of mysterious provenance. Disregard Felines, Acquire Currency, that’s my motto

      1. winterbymorning +1

        That makes sense! I thought of it as more of a linear storyline, where you gain progress and don’t lose it again unless you did something Terribly Wrong.

  15. BobbieWickham +7

    What is the fanciest hostess gift you can think of?
    My very fancy and rich boss is letting me and three friends stay in her very fancy house in Maine a few weekends from now. She usually AirBnB’s it, but she’s waiving the fee for us.
    Did I mention she’s fancy? And she has exquisite taste, which makes me feel like my go-to hostess gifts of flowers or a candle aren’t going to cut it.

    2. loren_smith +8

      Ohhh nice! Can you stalk the AirBnB listing to get a sense of her style? In my (limited) experience with rich and fancy people, it seems like sometimes they aren’t familiar with local, hipster-y (I can’t think of a way to describe this better) shops and artists. Maybe you could look for some cool and designy things to put together as a gift and include a pretty and thoughtfully written letterpress card?

    3. psinistra +15

      This is not a fancy thing at all. But. We let some friends stay in our flat whilst we were away and they drew us a picture of all the things they loved about our house. Like, the view from our garden and a neighbour’s cat and the way our record collection was organised and our collection of spices. It was mainly doodles and for the humour, but it was so lovely to see when we came back and much more personal than flowers/candles… we framed it, and it still makes me smile.

    4. Xolandra +9

      Ditto loren_smith; take something small, local, and irreplicable. Foodstuffs is always a good go-to, since they won’t have to worry about storage or object not being to their taste.

      Bonus points if you make it yourself; I have taken to making DIRT easy cosmetics (like this one http://wellnessmama.com/4770/lotion-bars/) and giving those as host/ess gifts.

    5. RuncibleSpoon +4

      if theres some kind of gorgeous nature nearby, and you know a good photo taker/editor, a nice sized print can be a nice gift for said cabin.

      Mr.Spoon is a very good photographer and likes to dick around with lightroom and illustrator, etc, so when we went up with my family for a trip at parents’ friend’s naturey cabin place, he stitched together a big panoramic shot of the local mountain. places like shutterfly can have good deals.

    6. spring chickens +9

      If you do still want to go with your standby hostess gift, the candle to get for a wealthy fancy person is Diptyque Paris. They are basically the best in terms of craft & quality that money can buy (though very expensive) and you can’t go wrong. However, scents are pretty personal, so the other advice here about local/thoughtful sounds excellent to me too. (Also, if I were your boss, I would feel slightly uncomfortable if you got me something expensive as an employee — dunno if she is like that or not?)

    7. fenixdawn +5

      I used to work for someone very posh and fabulous, and expensive champagne was her host gift of choice.

    8. RoseCamelia +12

      Determine host’s taste and/or preferences, then go to a high end shop that serves their hobby. At the wine shop, stationery store, or florist, ask for a manger. Tell that very experienced person your dilemma. They will solve your problem expertly.

      Have a lovely weekend and tell Maine hello for me. I miss New England.

  16. ppyajunebug +4

    Are any Toasties going to SDCC next week?

    If so, anyone interested in a meet-up? I’m probably only going to the actual con on Saturday and Sunday, but I live in the area so a meet-up is doable on any of the days!

      1. ppyajunebug +1

        So, I already have a meet-up for Saturday evening, but maybe we can meet for a dinner on Sunday after the con ends? There are some good restaurants that are farther away from the convention center but still walkable

        1. nicoledieker +1

          I’ll be on a plane Sunday evening. I am busy Thursday and Friday evenings too. It could be a Saturday afternoon thing, maybe?

          1. ppyajunebug +1

            Nooooo I’ll be basically stuck in Ballroom 20 all day on Saturday because Hannibal. But if you’re not doing Hall H, maybe we can do a line-meet up? I’m planning to get there literally in the middle of the night so I can get good seats in the Ballroom

          2. nicoledieker +1

            Ha ha ha I don’t actually have SDCC passes, I’m just going down to do a show with Marian Call and Friends on Friday at 7 at 99Bottles and hang out. Also going to the w00tstock.

            Hmmm.

          3. sofie_fatale +1

            I think I just followed you on Twitter! I’ll probably be tweeting my whereabouts all weekend, so should be pretty easy to stalk if our paths/schedules align!

          4. sofie_fatale +1

            I’ll be there!! I’m also planning to be at the #PANNIBAL ’cause it’s the one day of year I can acceptably wear my flower crown as an adult woman

          5. ppyajunebug +2

            YAAAAS

            I will be dressed as a sassy scientist with a purple flower crown. I am SO FREAKING EXCITED

          6. sofie_fatale +2

            ~*~*~*~HOORAY MY FLOWER CROWN IS ALSO PURPLE~*~*~*~

            Do you have a Twitter and/or other easy way of contact/”hey where u at”-ing?

          7. ppyajunebug +1

            Yup! I’m ppyajunebug on Twitter and I’m pretty active, especially during SDCC

      1. bookwormV +1

        I went to a Buffy singlong at Nine Worlds last year and it was amazing. I have basically been practicing for it for more than half my life (the person on the door asked if I needed a booklet of the lyrics and I wanted to laugh scornfully), and it was everything I have ever wanted.

  17. literarysara +50

    High points of seeing Magic Mike XXL in theaters:
    the older lady who yelled GOOD MORNING AMERICA when Twitch first showed up
    the two ladies directly behind me who were talking at regular volume during all the dialogue-heavy scenes and at first I was kind of annoyed and then I realized, i see your point nm
    the white man in a white collared shirt who was pretty quiet for the whole movie and then yelled LORD JESUS GIVE ME STRENGTH during the surprise mood swing (get it?) in BDR’s final dance
    lots of collective hooting and cheering
    lots of collective laughing
    seriously, a man yelled at me for laughing during Jurassic World (also a high point) but I laughed during MMXXL until my face hurt and no one cared because so were they.

    I have to tell you, Roxane’s recap made me feel pretty hot under the collar, but watching this movie on the big screen with a lot of noisy people was not terribly erotic. It was, however, extremely enjoyable!

  18. blizzard +24

    I know Tosties are librarians, are there teachers out there also? Or parents. Parents work.
    Frustrating kids things thread?
    Yesterday small people were being crazy so I started telling my teaching assistant the following thing:

    OH the Places You’ll sit / Oh the things you can’t do

    Today’s not your day
    for you hit people’s faces
    You’re off and away, to time out
    not good places

    Are there brains in your head?
    Put your feet in your shoes.
    Steer yourself to that chair.
    Do not hit when you lose.

    That’s as far as I got.

    1. owlegg +3

      This makes me grateful that I’m no longer a camp counselor.

      I send you all my sympathy and wish you much wine.

      1. blizzard +3

        I am a glorified camp counselor but for Legos* (Legos and Legos forever camp) see also: These are my Legos and they are my heart in a million tiny plastic pieces be nice to them.
        I need wine.

        *I know that the plural of Lego is Lego, but that sounds dumb, so I say what I want.

    3. anotherkate_sf +2

      I am a nanny and I feel your pain. For example, “No you cannot poke your sister in the eye. No she won’t like it, she’ll start screaming because it hurts. No you can’t punch your sister because it’s time to put the ipad away. No she won’t think it’s funny.” and so on. Plus he has SPD so frequently hits himself in the head when he’s not getting enough stimulation 🙁

      1. blizzard +4

        Yesterday I said:
        You may not throw rocks.
        You may not throw that either.
        You may not throw physical objects.
        You may not throw insults.
        I cannot think of any other non-physical objects which you may not throw.
        This is your loophole and if you can take advantage of it I will not stop you.

  19. ElainaJay +5

    Oh you guys, I’m kinda not super excited about the fourth, which is weird for me. My parents and younger siblings moved across the pond two years ago but I still spent last 4th of July with them.
    We watched Despicible Me and drank sparkling juices (my parents and I also drank sparkling wine) and then went out into the gorgeously huge backyard and set off pretty little explosions, declaring to all around that we were Americans and would be celebrating how non-British we were for this one day (whereas the rest of the year my family has to at least sort of pretend they’re adapting to British cultural differences).
    Anyway, this will be the first year I’m not celebrating with the majority of my family and it’s a bit more disheartening because it’s also my birthday in a week. I know, I’m a whiny little child but I don’t whine to everyone! Just to you, my darling Toasties. And I’m still technically a teenager so I’m allowed to be occasionally whiny, right?
    Anyway, I’m all conflicted because I also feel guilty for feeling bad. However, I will be driving to my hometown and spending time with my older brother and my sister in law and my nephew, all of whom I love. I will be inviting a couple of friends over to join the game night my SIL is hosting and I love them too so I will be happy! It’s just different. How have y’all adjusted to family moving far away? Or moving away from them?

    1. iosognodisonno +4

      Being sad about missing your family around the holidays doesn’t make you a whiny little child, it just makes you someone who likes your family (one of the lucky ones!). I realized when I was young that I can’t handle living very far from mine, the years I did were just too hard. See if they’ll Skype with you over the weekend, that might help?

  20. Margaret Hale +18

    Beloved Toasties, I stayed up late finishing Elizabeth Gaskell’s North and South and now I have so many THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS that I want to discuss with you (and to hear yours). I think it’s my new favorite book! Spoilers to follow below.

    1. Margaret Hale +8

      For starters, I was really nervous at the beginning that there was some proto-Ayn Randian BS going on with Margaret being taught the joys of capitalism by sexy Mr. Thornton. But I was completely wrong! And I was so strangely satisfied by the way she didn’t provide some deus ex machina to clear Frederick’s name, but instead let his story be an example of how you can speak truth to power and be punished for the rest of your life. And Mr. Bell’s character, even though introduced late in the book, just broke my heart. I think Gaskell is just so smart about melancholy, and dissatisfaction, and the way that an individual life doesn’t tidily line up with the arc of a novel. Oh man, I loved this book!

      One question I do have though, is whether Gaskell would have any awareness of how linked up the mills in England were with slavery in the US? (At least, I’m pretty sure they were working American cotton, and not only Egyptian.) It seems like something that she, as a progressive Unitarian reformer, would have been keenly aware of, but I didn’t catch any references in the novel.

      1. Ganymede +3

        Probably Indian cotton – this is what Ghandi was reacting against with his hand-spinning and insistence on wearing home-spun cloth. I agree there is not so much in Gaskell about this.

        Also agree with everything else you say – I LOVE THIS NOVEL, the romance is intense and the class and union politics bring it up to another level. The complexity of the human relationships and characterisation is marvellous.

        … and as for the “delicious silence” at the end… *fans self repeatedly*

    2. literarysara +11

      I’m ready for this.
      It’s been awhile since I read North and South but it sent me on a full-fledged Gaskell spree. Cranford–charming! Wives and Daughters–odd, unfinished, but compelling nonetheless! But nothing beats North and South, it’s just a really tight story with class commentary and a terribly sexy love interest and a very satisfying ending.

      1. Margaret Hale +12

        Yes! That last line really did it for me–“That woman!” And I love how Gaskell is very open about the fact that Margaret and Thornton’s happiness comes at the cost of Henry Lennox’s, and she doesn’t present the latter as someone terrible or undeserving, just someone who doesn’t get what he wants.
        I’ve also read Wives and Daughters, which I loved as well, and am ready for Cranford next.

        1. literarysara +12

          Although, in the BBC adaptation, Henry always kind of looks like he smelled something bad and you’re not at all sorry to see him go.
          Have you watched it? I think you’re going to love it. It’s well cast and well played, and I will sometimes rewatch the last episode just so I can watch Richard Armitage purr and smile like he’s never been so lucky in his entire life but he knows he deserves to be.

          1. Margaret Hale +3

            I haven’t watched it, but I’m looking forward to it! It’s hard for me sometimes to watch adaptations of things that I’ve already vividly pictured to myself, but I’ve heard such good things about this one that I can’t resist.

          2. ninathegreat +5

            Aaaaah I was just rewatching this last night! I could watch that last bit over and over and over again. I actually saw the BBC adaptation before I read the book, and was so pleasantly surprised when I read the book that it was both a faithful AND enjoyable adaptation.

    3. ToastiewithCheese +10

      Haven’t read the book, but I just thought I’d bring to your attention that there is a miniseries starring none other than Richard Armitage (aka dwarf!Aragorn from the Hobbit movies) as Thornton.

      1. jenavira +9

        (and that Thornton looks at Margaret the same way Thorin looks at Bilbo LOOK I’M JUST SAYING)

    4. owlegg +16

      NORTH AND SOUUUUUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      My favourite thing to do is convince people to read it by describing it as “Pride and Prejudice but with union politics” (I actually like it better than P&P?)

  21. ectocool +11

    Any USAians sticking it out at work today? I’m so bored I’m reading the inside of Dove chocolate wrappers.

    1. houblonchouffe +6

      See above re: working on contractually obligated holiday
      But I’m super super busy actually

      AND have the interns to deal with on my own today

      ugh

      1. ectocool +2

        Blehhhh. May your hours go by quickly and a delicious treat/book/show/bubble bath await you when you get home!

      2. ElainaJay +8

        I AM one of the lowly interns. We are hourly so I’ve gotta be here if I want money but my supervisor is gone, her supervisor is gone, everyone I might want to meet with is gone. So I’m certifying bug fixes by my lonesome. I’m sure your interns appreciate the fact that somebody is there with them. Do your best, I wish you much luck!

    2. ArguablyMagalis +5

      I’m right there with ya! I just entered all of the random Starbucks Cards I have floating around my purse into my Starbucks rewards account as a way to kill time.

    3. kilks401 +4

      The library is not as dead as I expected… but that’s not making me want to be here any more.

      1. ectocool +4

        I’m at a library too- the only one in a 20-mile radius that’s open today. It’s been a supremely shitty week here for all sorts of reasons, and this is just insult to injury.

    5. sofie_fatale +3

      I’m here! I’m a “”””””contractor”””””””

      I got really annoyed at the lack of traffic and completely empty parking lot (which normally would be good things), because I knew it meant that NOBODY ELSE HAD TO COME IN TODAY

    6. deleted2997279 +2

      Yuppp I am here. It’s basically me and the communications team, who work all the time, but I get a floating holiday for today that I could REALLY use in the fall, so in all honesty I’m not that upset.

    7. slowseptember +2

      Parade Day should be a holiday, and indeed, most Calgarians were like ‘eh’ after Canada Day on Wednesday and took yesterday and today off.

      Not our office, though.

    8. Unreadaethel +2

      I’m at work both today and tomorrow. On the plus side, we have two pellet smokers and a gas grill ready to go outside, so I’m going to bring something nice tomorrow and get paid to smoke meat on a fancy smoker.

      Also, I have a shit-ton of work to do, so there’s that.

  22. ArguablyMagalis +7

    My phone interview on Tuesday went really well, thank you to everyone who chimed in last week with interview tips! Now I’m playing the waiting game again, and thinking about what happens if I end up getting this job and how I’m going to orchestrate a cross-country move if that’s the case.

    I am also stuck at work both today and tomorrow (small museum in DC + big America-themed holiday that draws in lots of tourists = all hands on deck for the holiday weekend). We don’t open until the afternoon today though, so I’m sitting around the office trying to not do any work. I also forgot that pretty much everyone else in the city is out today, so I got to work super early due to the lack of traffic. I do, however, get Sunday-Tuesday off to make up for it. So I have that to look forward to.

    1. VaguelyDownward +4

      I am also stuck at work all weekend at a museum in DC! Museum holiday weekend solidarity fist bump. May your crowds be manageable and your tourists both pleasant and patient.

  23. RuncibleSpoon +4

    Toasties!

    i am home with some kind of horrible stomach bug and it is not fun times!

    i also feel this dumb low-grade guilt in the background of things, because even though i actually am sick, this is definitely a tempting day to call out of work. coworkers have been grumbly this week that today wasn’t on the 2014-15 holiday list, and i agree, but i am a “good kid”(tm) and do not ditch.

    on the plus side(?) this is my first time home sick since getting a cat and i think he can tell and is burying me in rumbly cuddles. so, overall win?

    1. winterbymorning +6

      I felt that way last week when I was out with the flu. On Tuesday my boss left for her vacation, and Wednesday was a provincial holiday, so I was paranoid that everyone thought I was faking to get more time off.

      I’ve read that one function of a cat’s purr is to speed up the healing process when they’re ill, so maybe your cat is trying to heal you with his love!

  24. bighairnoheart +19

    No puns today from the wonderful world of research, but now there is drama on the high seas. The captain has gone nuts.

    Didn’t I always say that Capt Ringgold was crazy, well if I didn’t I thought it and have been expecting it for months and it has come at last. Poor man he has been as mad as a March hare for eight days. He came back to the ship perfectly crazy though the doctors didn’t know it and set to work doing the most crazy things among others painting white all the nice polished walnut and mahogany chronometer stand and blinds in his cabin ordered a number of the most ridiculous things done with the ship, which however being only a few shades more ridiculous than what he has been ordering during the last four months they didn’t decide upon his madness until it became so apparent in his eye and conversation that no one could mistake it.

    And later.

    His aberration leads him beyond the bounds of decency.

    Sometimes I REALLY wish Victorians could be a bit more specific. I mean, beyond the bounds of decency leaves A Lot open to interpretation.

    There’s rain forecasted for tomorrow, but hopefully it holds off til after the fireworks. Either way, the Kimball is showing one of my favorite movies so it’ll be a good day. Nothing like 1776 on the big screen. The real struggle will be whether or not I sing and recite along with it. When it comes to the Lees of Old Virginia song I may be a goner.

      1. bighairnoheart +10

        Apparently part of his madness includes constant singing and ordering the crew to set off fireworks every fifteen minutes. With that plus the crazed redecorating urges he sounds like someone I’d definitely hang out with. (Just not at my place.)

    2. RoseCamelia +4

      If he’s painting over very fine and lovely wood grain, I give him only a side-eye. It’s not like he’s painting over brick. There’s a special place in hell for anyone putting paint to good quality brick.

  25. firstmute +8

    Pregnancy thread! 39 weeks tomorrow and my body’s definitely starting to be like, “Okay, let’s think about getting this baby out”–but in a “next week or so” kind of way, not a “today or tomorrow” way. (I think.) My parents come in about six days to take care of #1, so any time after that is cool with me.

    I’ve also caught a goddamn cold, which just seems cruel at this point.

    How’s everyone else doing?

    1. fishesinthetwee +12

      My wife and I just let the cat pick our sperm donor – well, we were torn between two, so we put their pictures down on the floor and went with the one she sat on. Like flipping a coin, but fluffier!

      My cousin’s daughter (2.5yo) firmly stated that the best part of getting a new sib was when her grandparents came to watch her. They made pancakes! She never wanted them to leave! Good luck with your cold, and the wait, and hopefully #1 has fun. 🙂

      1. firstmute +5

        My sister remembers getting a chocolate milkshake when I was born and has told #1 to make sure that she gets one, too.

        I like your method of picking a donor, although given cats, I might have picked the one she DIDN’T sit on. Ha.

    2. pamplemoussi +3

      Oh yay, I haven’t made it on here in so long!

      So I’m 36 weeks and I’m shocked – SHOCKED! – at the number of people on the forums around 37-38 weeks who nonchalantly say things like, “Well I’m pretty uncomfortable so my doctor is going to induce me tomorrow”. WHAT? I am kind of a hippie, but sometimes I don’t feel hippie enough for my midwife and doula (thanks for that info about encapsulating my placenta but uh, no I’m not doing that). But this is one area where I’m like, you want to be induced because you’re UNCOMFORTABLE? It’s July! You’re pregnant! Go lay in a baby pool filled with ice cubes for the rest of your pregnancy, but don’t evict your baby early for no reason!

      1. firstmute +2

        Ikr? Yes, the last three to four weeks of pregnancy suck. They really, really do. But geez, the baby’s going to come out eventually, and that comes with its own level of fantastic discomfort. 

        I picked my doula solely–solely!–based on the fact that she seemed the least crunchy of any in my admittedly crunchy town. So far no one has mentioned the placenta, and I’d like to keep it that way. 

        Oh, but this article (http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/06/09/science-fails-to-see-benefits-of-eating-placenta/) about how you’re consuming lots of heavy metals with your placenta brought me a lot of joy.  

        36 weeks, you’re almost there too!

        1. pamplemoussi +2

          Oh that article is brilliant. Even if there were some concrete, scientific studies that showed it did something, I don’t know that I would do it. I’ve been a vegetarian forever, and the idea of eating an organ, even an organ that my body created, grosses me out.

          Yesss being almost done. Are you also fantastically uncomfortable? I just miss the days where laying down was my refuge from being sore, now it just makes my hips ache. Also I’m sorry you have a cold, I had one a few weeks ago and was very grumpy about not being allowed to take most of my favourite cold drugs. But my midwife did let me take benedryl when I was really stuffy, so that might help!

      2. owlegg +4

        Completely anecdotal, but my mom had three kids and two of us were induced and she said recently that her easiest birth was my two-months-premature little brother because she got to go into labour naturally, so.

        (Her OB/GYN only delivered babies on Thursdays, thus the two inductions)

          1. owlegg +2

            Apparently it was more common in the 80s/early 90s and happens way less now, but it does seem completely ridiculous.

  26. bookwormV +7

    Fanfic thread? What are people enjoying right now?

    I discovered this Fury Road fic a few days ago and have just been reading it over and over. Post-film, Nux/Capable, but with all of the main characters and lots of worldbuilding. It’s all about learning how to trust after being abused, and boundaries are respected all over the place, and it’s really hot and sweet and wonderful.

    There are a few Community fics that I found a few months ago and love; all of them are some combination of Troy, Abed and Annie, and the characters are really well-written and the sex is great.
    Tangled
    Momentum
    Special Problems in Erotic Roleplay

      3. bookwormV +1

        I had seen that around and thought, “hm, I’m not really into coffee shop AUs”, and now I have read it (and half of the sequel) and it is amazing. Thank you!

        (Reading all of this Furiosa fic is desperately making me want to shave my head and ride a motorbike and be the sort of person people are afraid of. I don’t think I could pull any of it off, though. This makes me really sad.)

        1. laurenipsum +1

          It’s so much more than a coffee shop AU, isn’t it? feels! fanning of self! more feels! (… more fanning!)

    2. anotherkate_sf +1

      Can’t read the Fury Road yet since I still need to see the movie. However I just finished season 1 of True Detective so any recs for that would be great. And, as always, I would love for recs for Hannibal, Teen Wolf, Iron Man/Avengers/Marvel. Fluff, smut, crack, AU’s, whatever as long as it’s well written.
      My current favorite Hannibal fic is Consenting to Dream by emungere. Honestly all her stuff it good, such a talented writer.

        1. anotherkate_sf +1

          I knoooooow! I am so bad about seeing movies in the theater, I think I might just go ahead and pay he extra three dollars to buy it on Amazon video. But I’d love to do a double feature of Mad Max and Jurassic World, and I actually have the weekend off for the first time in months, so maybe I can actually make it happen.

          1. laurenipsum +3

            You really ought to see Fury Road in the theater if you can at all make it happen. It’s starting to leave theaters so you should do it soon.

          2. jaeferous +1

            Seconding! I live in a major city, and it’s only in a handful of theaters now. The Toast compels you to see this movie!

      2. bookwormV +2

        See it! I only saw it about a week and a half ago, but I am completely overwhelmed and feeling a bit obsessive already. I’m so glad the internet exists and so many people are writing about it.

    3. laurenipsum +2

      Holy crap I’m only on chapter 2 of that Fury Road fic and I don’t think I’m going to get anything else done for the rest of the day/weekend. I love Nux/Capable and am FIRMLY CONVINCED that Nux lives.

      1. bookwormV +2

        Right? I read it and then just reread it uncontrollably. (It is slightly concerning how many feelings I now have about this film I saw a week and a half ago.)

    4. floridagal1 +3

      Fanfic thread: I’m currently working on one? Not sure if its’ going well or not. I have trouble finding time to write.

  27. Xolandra +18

    Toastians! Gentleman X’s band is breaking up, and i am caught in drama. Which is entertaining to me, but also is difficult, because I have already been accused of “Yoko-ing” the band when they were trying to come up with a band name because I maintained (with Gentleman X) that Coffin Tops was a stupid name (because it is). Now arguably one of the two most important members has left, and I am trying desperately not to encourage my gentleman friend to just drop it, and reform without the one toxic dude (he is a homophobe and a general Eeyore), which he feels is a low-blow, because toxic dude is the one who introduced him to the other two competent musicians and general stand-up dudes in a city in which he had no contacts.

    Opinions? Is ditching the douche a band-etiquette faux-pas? Am i taking the correct course in offering no opinion at all (I have made it clear that I will listen, and I will offer insights, but that I have NO OPNION on this subject)? And seriously, it is 2015, can we PLEASE stop it with the “Yoko ruined the best thing ever” stuff?

    1. Momthra +11

      Ugh, dudes and their bands!

      I’m gonna suggest that you don’t have any opinion at all other than “I’m sure you’ll make the right choice, I know you care a lot about this.” Not only because others might try to pin it on you, but also because if it somehow goes south (and it always does in some way), he might also rewrite history to make the bad (but good at the time) idea YOUR idea.

      1. Xolandra +7

        Yesyes, it is important to distance oneself from important decisions in which one is not involved. TY.

        For the record, tho, I am 100% behind the band (or rather, him being in a band, because it makes him happy), especially since “Women Listening To Men Play Music At Them In Western Art History” has given me really handy code for getting Gentleman X to understand that there is a line between playing his guitar while I am in the room, and playing his guitar AT me 😉

    2. ru_ri +18

      All (ok, nearly all) the good musicians I know are totally mercenary. They work the contacts until they end up in a situation where they want to be; that’s just the nature of the game. Most of them are amateurs, not professionals, but still…it’s a serious hobby for them. In my view your friend need feel no obligation to stick with Eeyore unless they enjoy playing together (and if that’s the case, definitely let it go). BUT I also think you offering no opinion is a much safer course for all concerned.

      Also, yes Coffin Tops is a dumb name, and I am sick to death of Yoko-scapegoating too. The Beatles broke up cause they needed to, get over it, everyone!

      1. Xolandra +1

        RIGHT? Which is why I am confused that they won’t just dump the Eeyore instead of letting the good member quit.

        THANK YOU. Have you googled coffin tops? Turns out it is a thing that is in no way as macabre as it sounds (which is not very).

    3. lazy +4

      I wouldn’t worry about the situation at all. Technically, it’s not your problem (though I see where it intrudes in your life). Coffin Tops is a stupid name, but you have to let them sort this out on their own. They’ve got to figure out their own relationship problems like grown-ups. Unless they tell you directly you are Yokoing the band, then seriously shut that shit down, because fuck you dudes. You can’t blame your disfunction on a lady with an opinion/presence/existence.

      1. Xolandra +8

        The Eeyore has already called me Yoko – when I was slagging the name he came up with (full discolsure: I didn’t know who came up with the name and would have slagged it regardless, because DUMB). To which I widened my eyes and said “Yes, i AM rather like one of the great geniuses of (post)modern art (I don’t know squat about art history, i am sorry if I got the period wrong), thank you!” and got more gin.

        The worst part is that the other three are all TOTALLY FINE AND NORMAL ADULTS about the whole thing. It’s just that one man-child who is all butt-hurt about it, like the other guys owe him something and are being Bad Men for leaving him. It takes all of my self control to not sing-song “It’s not them, it’s YOU” at him.

    4. RoseCamelia +5

      The Beatles broke up because it was time. But even if it had been instigated by an individual, that person would properly be JOHN. He chose Yoko as a partner. He chose how much influence he allowed her in his activities. All. On. Him. But the breakup was inevitable, not due to one or two personalities.

      Good for you, being a sounding board and refusing to be drawn in. I am sure you are correct: Any input from you will come back to bite you.

  28. lhbrbggcs +2

    My favorite is just to walk around and discover all the little neighborhoods (I love Cow Hollow). I also recommend Smuggler’s Cove bar if you enjoy rum and over-the-top thematic decor. The owner is also opening a new gin bar that will be themed like an abandoned Tube station, but I’m not sure if it will be open when you arrive. I also recommend the Alcatraz tour. Touristy, yes, but also very interesting (do the audio tour for sure). Book in advance if going on a specific day/time is important to you. Oh, and if you enjoy maybe taking your life into your own hands and also being gawked at, rent a GoCar and give yourself a tour.

    1. Räven +2

      Seeing this outside its thread (thanks IntenseDebate) I figured it was maybe a Fallen London or other gaming post, til I saw Alcatraz and renting a car. “Cow Hollow” and “Smugglers Cove”, forsooth!

  29. isabelmosqueira +3

    Hello Toasties!! Happy Holidays!!!! (if apply)
    I’m thinking in going to LA in November for 5 days, I know that’s seems like a million years from now, but (if I’m going) I’m buying the tickets next week. Would you recommend it? I’ve never visited LA before (but I’ve been in New York, Washington DC, Miami, Baltimore and…Annapolis), so I’m curious to see one of the largest city in the west coast. Is it a bad idea? should I go to San Francisco or maybe even (hopefully not) Las Vegas instead? I know this sounds vague but I’m interested in chill, sightsee, party and eat.

    1. loren_smith +3

      Ohhh I’m sort of planning an LA trip, too! I went a few years ago – we stayed in Venice Beach and really liked that area. Our trip was really short, and we mainly just walked around and ate tacos and drank Tecates. If we go again the only change we would make is a day trip to Yorba Linda to see the Nixon presidential library.

    2. sofie_fatale +4

      I am biased but I’d say LA is great for all of that!

      CHILL: many beautiful beaches, parks, shopping, coffee shops with aspiring screenwriters hard at work
      SIGHTSEE: hand/footprints at Grauman’s (goofy and overrun with tourists, but classic), your favorite Old Hollywood celeb’s grave
      PARTY: classic rockers at Sunset Strip, scene-y clubs in Hollywood, hipster bars in Silver Lake/Echo Park
      EAT: taco trucks and great Mexican food as far as the eye can see, fresh seafood, great Korean/Thai, everything fusion

      SF would also cover many of your points, though I don’t know it well enough to give any recommendations! Vegas is good for the partying/eating half, but the last time I went it was disappointingly unchill—it can be done but I think it takes a little more work 🙂

      1. isabelmosqueira +1

        I’d said toasties are the best for giving on point recommendations but you guys already knew that.

    3. SallyRides100Tampons +3

      I’m biased because I live here. November is a nice time of year to visit, though it could be either super hot, super mild or super rainy. They’re predicting an El Nino this fall, so super rainy is possible (please please please.) However, how do you feel about driving?

      1. isabelmosqueira +1

        generally I’m ok with driving but these are my holidays with means lots of drinks; so maybe it isn’t a good idea. Could I manage without driving? Also, I’m hoping El Niño swings by south america too, it has been expected since May but in Santiago hasn’t rain a single day. We are rolling in our own filthy filthy air.

        1. SallyRides100Tampons +2

          If you’re open to Uber or Lyft, you’ll get around fine.

          For a five day trip, I’d recommend:

          – Chilling at the beach for a day (I like Manhattan Beach/Hermosa Beach. Good food, easy parking, lots to walk around and enjoy)
          – A day around Griffith Park (hit the observatory) and an evening in Eagle Rock/Silver Lake (good bars, great food)
          – A “downtown day” that starts with Little Tokyo/Olvera Street for food and shopping, then a night of bar hoping downtown (end at The Standard’s rooftop bar)
          – A full day at The Getty
          – A day in Pasadena (because I love Pasadena. Good food, nice bars, Gamble House, Norton Simon, Huntington Gardens.)

          Most of these can be accessed with light rail and involve a lot of walking. The Getty would require an Uber.

          But I’m a little older than the average Toastie (mid thirties), so my finger might not be on the pulse.

    4. laurensherm +6

      LA is the greatest, I adore it. You will have a pretty different experience if you stay on the westside (beachier, suburb-ier, more stereotypically “LA”) or the eastside (more city-like, more hipsters, grungier but also cooler). Both are great in their own way, and if you can spend time in both I recommend it. My favorite things to do are (get ready this is super long because I am procrastinating and also love it here):

      -Eat ramen (on Sawtelle Blvd on the westside or Little Tokyo on the eastside)
      -Go to either of the Getty art museums (the Getty Villa is a drive up the coast to Malibu, which is definitely worth it. It’s built to look like an actual Roman villa and has great art and gardens)
      -Hike– I’m partially to Will Rogers state park, which is also home to the hilarious ranch home of old-timey movie star Will Rogers. The hike to the Griffith Observatory is good if you want an easy and semi-touristy hike
      – Go to a Bootie LA mashup dance party (they are every Saturday night at the Echoplex or the Regent). Seriously can’t recommend these enough, they might be my favorite thing to do right now in LA
      -have a drink and maybe take a swim at a hotel rooftop bar. The Ace Hotel downtown is good and pretty chill, especially on weekdays, and you don’t need to be staying there to visit and swim. Although tbh swimming in November might be dicey, but sometimes you get random hot days
      -go to one of the Houston Brother’s bars. They are all themed speakeasy bars. My favorites are Breakroom 86 and No Vacancy. Make sure you look up how to find the hidden entrance on yelp first, though!
      -Eat the office burger at Father’s Office, then eat the umami burger at Umami Burger, and tell me which one you like best
      -if you like dive bars and burlesque, go to Jumbo’s Clown Room. Yes, it’s a “strip club,” but it transcends that label for sure. Bring dollar bills to tip the incredibly talented dancers and try not to fall in love with them!
      – Visit the southern beach cities for a chiller beach experience, or go to Venice or Santa Monica for a more tourist-y but more iconic experience
      -If you decide to do a theme park, I recommend Universal. You can see it all in one day if you go on a weekday, and I think it’s totally worth it. But maybe come back in the summer when there is a Harry Potter world
      -THAT SAID, if you want your Harry Potter fix now, definitely check this out: http://www.yelp.com/biz/whimsic-alley-los-angeles Go see it on the day you do LACMA, The Grove, or the Petersen Automobile Museum
      – Museum of Jurassic Technology is a fun weird “museum” that is basically the art gallery of a mad scientist/historian/artist. If you love it, go visit The Gold Bug in Pasadena

      I can’t recommend this city more. Haven’t been to San Francisco, but LA is my favorite city I’ve ever spent any time in. Vegas is fun, but that’s a three-day trip.

      2. blizzard +1

        This list is great I live in LA (okay, well fine, Pasadena) and I am saving your list because I sit inside with the internet and do nothing.

        I am not a shopping person and I like to make fun of The Grove for being a mall that wishes it was a European street, but I really like the Farmer’s Market. It has weird random things that make me like it, like a little store devoted entirely to selling stickers, and another little store selling only hot sauce. I like that it looks a little run down, and the ceilings are low and its crowded with people shouting at each other in different languages. I worked nearby and I would just go watch everybody be there.
        Also please witness this wonderful cartoon by Vanessa Davis about The Grove: http://www.spanielrage.com/journal/2013/9/24/them…

      3. isabelmosqueira +1

        THAAAANK YOU!! yeah, I definitely going and saving all of your recommendations. Also, I forgot to mention, there’s a slim chance I’d be going alone, so if there’s a particular warning or additional stuff I should know please let me know. And thanks again!

  30. bookwormV +6

    I am currently finishing my MA, with just the dissertation to go; it’s due on the first of September. One of the libraries where I work in the evenings has told me that an assistant position is coming up, and would like to know if I want it. It would be a good job, even though it’s not a qualified librarian position (although there are few of those around, and I know lots of MA graduates are doing Library Assistant jobs), and I like the library and the people. And it would mean not having to apply for loads of jobs, which I hate. But I would probably have to start in August, and I am so bad at working hard and managing my time that the thought of finishing my dissertation while working full-time is scary. Any advice?

    1. fenixdawn +1

      That sounds so tempting! How long would you have to do both the diss and the job?

    2. Xolandra +1

      Can you take the job and then use your hols immediately? Or negotiate accepting the position, and then a later start date? It won’t hurt to ask at least.

      1. bookwormV +1

        I’m not sure; part of it is that the person currently in the post is leaving, and they’d quite like a handover period where we overlap (although they’ve said that’s not vital), so I don’t know if taking leave immediately would be a good idea. I think they’re likely to be flexible, though.

        1. fenixdawn +3

          Yeah only a month doesn’t sound so bad. Especially if they can have some flexibility. What about working a four day week or something like that? So then you’d have a 3 day block of time every week for diss work?

          1. bookwormV +1

            I am definitely going to ask if I can start part-time – they might say no, but hopefully it’s worth a try.

    3. smeesmeesmee +4

      I did exactly that when I was finishing my film archive masters! I got a job in an AV archive two months before the dissertation was due and finished my dissertation in the evenings/nights, and in the week before it was due I got no sleep (I got a night bus to a 24hr printer the day before it was due, at 3am…). I figured it was worth doing both because I was doing the MA partly to be able to get a job in an archive, and there I was with a job offer! It did totally mean my dissertation was not as great as it should have been and I didn’t get the best mark for it, so not proud of that. But 8 years later the significance of the mark has lessened, and I’m still in film archives, so it’s all good really.

      1. fenixdawn +2

        My favorite dissertation advice is that there ate only two types of dissertations: done and not done. It really helped me when I was fretting about quality, while also working various jobs.

        1. bookwormV +1

          That is comforting. Getting something done is the main thing, although I would like it to be good (and to enjoy the process – I haven’t done a big piece of research like this before, and I’m tentatively looking forward to getting stuck in).

      2. bookwormV +1

        That is a good point that the aim of the MA is to get a job (although as a library assistant position, rather than librarian, I technically could have done it without the degree, though the field’s crowded enough that an MA helps). Well done on succeddings with yours! I just worry that I am fundamentally too lazy to manage the (admittedly short) period of really hard work.

    4. fenixdawn +11

      Another thing to ponder…..Would working a job actually be less awful than the stress and time of applying for jobs?

      1. allanaaa +2

        One million times this.

        My masters thesis went way better knowing that I could just concentrate on writing and not simultaneous job-hunting and budgeting. (I wrote it all in the three weeks before the job started, and polished it off / sent it in after four days on the job.)

      2. bookwormV +1

        That is an excellent point. I hate and fear job-hunting so much (which is why I’ve been putting it off) and having to do it would get in the way of dissertation stuff. It wouldn’t be 9-5 Monday-Friday in the same way as a job, though.

    5. RoseCamelia +3

      I also struggle with time management. However, I find I get *more* done when I am busiest, when my time must be carefully budgeted and tightly scheduled. Fewer uninterrupted hours equals less opportunity to spin my wheels, for me. YMMV.

      1. bookwormV +1

        Unfortunately, I have a tendency to get overwhelmed with panic and anxiety and end up doing nothing, which obviously makes everything worse. (I do get things done, but this year has involved lots of all-nighters due to putting off coursework.)

  31. threatqualitypress +67

    Feeling in a pretty good mood today, as I remain a person who has finished his novel, just going to go through and give a thumbs-up to every comment.

    INFINITE THUMBS UP FOREVER

      1. threatqualitypress +19

        Who’s got two thumbs and is pretty happy for whatever good you’ve got going on right now?

        THIS GUY

    3. winterbymorning +9

      So this is going to sound stupid, but when you posted about this yesterday I thought you were super happy that you had finished reading a book. Which is great and all, but writing one is a completely different matter. Congratulations!

  32. fenixdawn +6

    I am heading to Ann Arbor this very moment! Any Toasties with recommendations on what to do, and perhaps more importantly what to eat?

    1. houblonchouffe +5

      OH MY GOSH YES

      Everyone will tell you to eat at Zingerman’s, which is A+ true, and if you go to the deli you will want a #5 (Rodger’s Big Picnic), nosher, on a paesano roll, sub halloumi for cheddar, with a new pickle, BUT it will set you back about $15 and there are cheaper ways of Zingerman’s-ing if you’re willing to do some investigating and travel. Pro tip: Zingerman’s Bakehouse always has sandwiches and soups for a grab-and-go lunch and they’re much less expensive. Same at the Roadshow, which is attached to the Roadhouse.

      1. fenixdawn +1

        I have serious overwhelming menu decision disorder, so I am totally going to order that exact thing! That sounds amazingggggg

        1. somesolanaceae +1

          ha! I am totally stealing the phrase “overwhelming menu decision disorder”.
          That describes every meal I’ve ever had at a new restaurant!

    2. eskenosen +4

      Literati is my absolute most favorite bookstore ever, and it has a very nice coffee place upstairs. Their poetry section is one of their bestselling sections!! Ravens or The Last Word for cocktails, yessss precioussss, and the Arb is lovely this time of year.

      1. fenixdawn +1

        I love all these suggestions!! A weekend of cocktails, books, coffee, and trees? Yep.

    3. SmrtCookie +4

      YES. If you’re a beer person, Jolly Pumpkin or Ashley’s or Bill’s Beer Garden. If you’re a cocktail person Raven’s Club or the Last Word as eskenosen said. Food favorites are Frita Batidos (cuban-ish), Lena (central american), and Aventura (spanish tapas). Zingerman’s roadhouse if you want to spend more $$. Outdoors-y stuff the arboretum, botanical gardens, or rent a canoe on the Huron. Favorite shops Treasuremart is like a curated thrift store with very little clothing, Literati for books, Rock Paper Scissors for cards, gifts, and Ann Arbor/Great Lakes paraphernalia.

    4. SmrtCookie +2

      ALSO Top of the Park for free live music. They also have food and drinks available and A+ people watching.

    5. sorrycassandra +1

      I would commit acts of desperate bravery right now for some of Jerusalem Garden’s falafel. Please, please eat some, and think of those of us who are in cold dim lands where nobody sells anything that deserves to be called falafel.

  33. houblonchouffe +15

    OH. In completely unrelated-to-work-BS news, MrChouffe and I bought (picked out/have had sized/are making payments on) our wedding rings a couple of weekends ago!

      1. houblonchouffe +5

        This one is mine. I have been eyeing it for a year and a half and we finally did something about it.

        And I didn’t get a picture of MrChouffe’s, but it is brass/copper/silver braided together and it is v v lovely.

  34. her_again +3

    Oh good, the Open Thread! This will probably get buried but in case anyone wants to provide advice, I need some.

    A few weeks ago I posted here about relationship troubles. Since then, things have gone from bad to worse to worstest to kind of OK again. Essentially, since we couldn’t stop fighting over Skype and couldn’t seem to move on from this one disagreement, my boyfriend decided we should ‘press pause’ on the relationship until I get back home from traveling (about six weeks away). I initially felt angry, rejected, determined to ‘get back’ at him, etc. During this time I meet a guy while traveling, let’s call him Jack. The thing is, I’m almost sure my (ex?)boyfriend is not going to remain celibate while I’m away, so I think I may as well see where it goes with Jack. He seems nice enough. We exchange numbers and start messaging back and forth, just chatting, but he’s clearly into me..

    Then with a bit of space and time from the relationship, I start seeing things much more clearly. Specifically, that I really love my boyfriend and don’t want to break up. Also that a lot of our recent problems were my fault; that my pride made me act like a massive jerk. (I’m not being unfairly self-deprecating here – I can really be an ass when I get defensive about something, which was absolutely the case here.) So I send my boyfriend a long, heartfelt email explaining it all, apologizing, telling him that I love him. I get an equally long, heartfelt email back, thanking me profusely, telling me how hopeful he is our relationship once I get back, that he loves me, wants to plan a future with me, etc.

    So far, so good, right? Only Jack is still in the picture and I now want him out. Even though we’re still ‘on a break’, I feel emotionally much closer to my boyfriend, and realize that I really don’t want to hook up with anyone else. Every time Jack messages me I want to set fire to my phone. So I guess the point of this long story is that I need some diplomatic way of telling him to go away. I’m talking actual scripting. I have barely any experience in the ‘casual dating’ world; so if this seems impossibly naive, that’s because it is!

    Thanks in advance, Toasties.

    1. nicoledieker +12

      I think the casual dating response is “It’s been really fun talking with you, but [I’ve started seeing someone else] OR [my boyfriend and I are getting back together] OR [whatever you want to say] so I’m not interested in pursuing this further. You seem like a really great person, so I’m glad I got to know you for a bit.”

      If the two of you met on OKC or something, tag an optional “Best of luck on OKCupid” to the end, so it is very clear: GO BACK THERE AND KEEP LOOKING.

    2. spring chickens +5

      You can just tell Jack that you are very sorry, but you don’t think you two are a good match in the longer term and you just want to end things now, but you thank him for the good times that you have shared. It actually hurts less to hear if you explain less, I find — so resist any urges to explain! — and tell him kindly in person if it is possible. Then leave, so you don’t accidentally begin to explain in detail, or make it look like you are open to negotiating this, or otherwise draw the break-up out painfully for Jack.

      As long as you make a clean break and don’t try to keep both relationships going (even as “friends”) it will not be hard. If you want to do something in-between, that is what would be harder and productive of drama, I expect, and could doom both relationships (though understandable if you wanted to try anyway).

    3. geekcrackteam +4

      ‘Hey its been great, but I’m really into someone else, sorry, have a nice life’

      AKA kthanxbi

    4. sayevet +6

      The last time I was in this situation I said, “I’m glad we connected, but I’m not interested in pursuing anything.” It’s awesome that you want to be considerate, but if you boil it down to how it affects Jack it really is just you not being interested. Don’t get distracted by explaining your personal thought process; it’s a decision you’ve made that’s not open for discussion.

    5. SallyRides100Tampons +1

      You’ve gotten some great advice re. Jack, I just wanted to plug a relationship book that I’ve gotten a ton of help from: Wired for Love. It’s all about how to form healthy attachments within a relationship so you feel better and fight less. It’s helped me a ton.

  35. fenixdawn +4

    So here’s the deal. My primary job, albeit a low paying one, is managing a super great local shop with a wonderful boss and staff. Because I have a PhD, I’ve been adjuncting on the side for years. My retail job pays poorly so having the extra money is nice. But this year they are changing the classes the adjuncts teach and I am woefully unprepared to teach any of the topics so I would have to develop all new classes. It would be a lot of time and work when I am rather over teaching in many ways anyway. This is all to say …. Is now the time to quit adjuncting?? I’m married and we live mostly on my husbands income so we don’t HAVE to have my adjuncting income though it would be nice since my mom has been sick and we just bought a house that could use work. But I’m pretty sure I’d hate adjuncting and I would work all the time for relatively low pay. WHAT TO DO. Related question: how does one deal as a feminist with being the partner who makes far less money and thus basically depends on the partner’s income to live? I have many complicated feelings about it.

    1. spring chickens +5

      can you just tell them you are accepting fewer classes this year? or do one semester on, one off?

      if you decide enough is enough, no problem there, and you can always get back in later if you want — no need to feel like you’re giving up part of your identity as a phd (which is unspoken context I was hearing). Also my firm motto is “from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs” — marriage socialism! I am 100% sure you are the major contributor in certain other reams of the partnership even if he is the main contributor of income now.

      One last thought: you may want to redesign savings/IRA contributions to reflect the fact that you will not be putting in social security contributions to the same degree since you are taking on more societally-unvalued household work and less societally-valued external work as part of the partnership. Several of my friends have done that and the conversation and discussion around it have helped them feel better about what the income situation means to both of them as a couple, and normalized the whole thing, in addition to putting them in a safer place financially.

      1. fenixdawn +5

        There’s definitely some identity stuff in there, but much of it is a more sunken cost issue. I like my retail manager self more than my academic self, but damn is it hard to get rid of the feeling that I * should * be using ye olde PhD in some way.

        Thinking about the marriage stuff in that way is really useful. My husband continuously points out that my value in our relationship does not come from my income, but from other non monetary things. Which is of course true, and if I put a bunch of my time in these classes, I lose the ability to contribute in those non monetary ways.

        That is also really helpful advice about the savings stuff! I’ve not thought of it in that way before and hearing it that way is super useful. Thank you!! 🙂

        1. sorrycassandra +5

          I tell myself, whenever the spectre of SHOULD USE PHD arises, that I *am* using it, that I developed Useful Skills in graduate school that I am now taking into an area where there are (I hope) jobs. That I learned a lot about myself in those 7 years, that I met people who mean more to me than anything, that I expanded the way I think about the world, that I made it impossible for me to go anywhere without my analytical skills engaged.

          I use the damn thing every day, and I haven’t worked an academic job in two years.

          (and when I first dropped out of academe, I was making zero income and my now-husband-then-shack-up-mate was gainfully employed in the field of higher education, so I feel you; keep in mind–Fortunae rota volvitur, the wheel of Fortune turns and a year later I was making twice as much as he was)

    2. houblonchouffe +3

      OOF this was us until January so I know very much how you feel.

      I guess… just trust that it will balance out. MrChouffe made double (or more) what I did for the first 3.5 years of our relationship, and now I make a bit more than he does, and we both do what we can. We’ve always kind of paid for things in proportion to what we make (so he’d pay 2/3 of mortgage and I’d pay 1/3 when he was making double my salary, he’d pay for two nights of meals and I’d get the third, that kind of thing). I won’t lie that it is a HUGE adjustment when the roles change, but as long as you’ve discussed it thoroughly and have your expectations in line with one another it’s okay.

    3. allanaaa +10

      Everybody else’s advice is sound; I’m just going to add a suggestion:

      There are lots of part-time and freelance jobs you can do that will make you feel like you’re using your PhD — I think adjuncting is maybe the worst / most-exploitative of the bunch. Do you write, edit, research? Can you get grants or other funding? Can you do any sort of consulting? That last one is usually daunting to lots of people but if you have retail management experience I bet you would do really well at dealing with the financial and self-marketing sides.

      1. fenixdawn +6

        Thay is a truly excellent point. Particularly because being complicit to the adjuncting system definitely leaves me with an icky taste in my mouth. I haven’t much considered other options like that, but I really probably should.

        And it helps me remember my very own advice to my students considering graduate school, which is “there are more and (better) ways to do art history than actually be an art historian.”

    4. LaxMom +2

      One of my mentors is finally in a tenure track job after adjuncting at the same school for years. She says that when you are looking for academic positions, you get credit for any new subject classes that have never been taught at that school before, that you design the coursework for. It’s an extra feather in your career cap to have “designed” a new course and laid out the syllabus, etc. So if any of those new classes are a brand new class, then I would try to take one, because it will be a credit to you and a boost to your resume to have set up the class for the first time.
      That’s all I’ve got, but I hadn’t heard that before, so I”m passing it along.

  36. spring chickens +7

    Dear Hivemind,
    will anything untoward/conflagrationary happen if I roast an ear of corn directly over the gas burner of my stove?
    because that is the direction things seem to be headed today. +lime +salt.

    1. secondursula +2

      I think it would be fine? I’d maybe soak it extra or wrap it in foil, which I don’t usually do on the grill. But that sounds pretty perfect as a plan, so I say go for it.

      1. spring chickens +14

        success! I just speared my corncob on a fork and held it over the open flame of the gas burner, no foil no mess. A little crackling.

        + lime + chili powder + salt =>> the taste of summer!!

    3. Ethylbenzene +1

      I wrap mine in foil and roast them on the pizza stone in a hot oven for some of that similar charred deliciousness you get on a grill. I never thought of doing it over my gas burner but that could work. I roast peppers over my gas burner all the time, also papadams.

  37. Nikki +23

    DID SOMEONE START A USWNT THREAD YET

    Last night as she was getting ready for bed, 7yo said, “I can’t wait for Sunday.” I wasn’t really thinking, and asked how come. She grinned and told me: “Because we’re going to beat Japan!”

    It has taken weeks of World Cup watching at my side but I think she is finally beginning to understand priorities.

    1. kilks401 +5

      As excited as I am for the game on Sunday, I’m still stuck on the ending of the England-Japan game. The thing that gets me the most is that Bassett made the correct play! Or at least a defensible one! I’m no soccer expert, but it seemed the Japanese striker might have scored if she hadn’t gotten to the ball.

      Anyways, glad your 7 yr old is understanding the importance of the game. I am really interested to see if Wambach starts, since against a Japanese team that is not imposing in the air, she might be dangerous.

      1. Nikki +7

        The end of that game was SO SAD and SO BANANAS. I was so glad everyone rallied around Bassett, not that I expected they wouldn’t support their teammate, but oh my god.

        1. maggiegrift +3

          Yes, the way they all immediately went to her and stayed with her (I happened to be at the game) was very beautiful. No blame at all.

          The losing team in the elimination rounds usually stays out longer to thank the crowd and take a final walk around the field before their world cup is over. England had a big sign thanking Canada for being so welcoming (which is nice, since they eliminated us last round) but #6 couldn’t do it, and just ran off the field with her jersey over her face. Poor thing.

  38. BourneApprox +17

    GAMING THREAD. What all you are playing this US Holiday weekend?

    Conversation at the BourneApprox house this week:
    Me: Sweetie! Look at the new cats I picked up in Neko Atsume! I think I missed the Prince of Cats last night tho?
    Mr. BourneApprox: Please don’t do this to me.
    Me: Fine, so now we’re going to talk about the love triangle I got into in Dragon Age: Inquisition.
    Mr. BA: Why are you playing that again. You already played that.
    Me: I…fell off the wagon.
    Mr. BA: You were never on the wagon.

    So yeah, combo of Neko Atsume on the cellphone, and Dragon Age on the desktop. I’m going human lady archer this time, pro-Templar, and had gone in planning to romance Cullen. But then I found myself hitting on Bull pretty hard. But then Cullen looked at me soulfully and told me he was happy I made it out of Haven alive, and I think I’m back on the Cullen Train. WHAT TO DO. Answer: collect more cats.

      1. Helen_Damnation +1

        Trine 2 is is lovely, great for playing with friends. I keep meaning to check and find out if the thief in it also voices Isabella in Dragon Age, she sounds a lot like her.

        1. secondursula +1

          Trine 2 looks beautiful, but unfortunately, I’m rubbish at platform games so I tend to only play them when I am alone, so as not to subject anyone else to my incompetence.

    2. ToastiewithCheese +5

      I still have the same thing as last week: Neko Atsume on the phone (I expanded my garden last weekend, and have since had visits from baseball cat – rhaegar – and train conductor cat – stannis, obvs – so things are going well) and Sunless Sea on the pc (I still had my first captain last week… but I’m now on number four. I thought I’d found a good fuel conserving trick by putting out my light, but turns out that sends your terror through the roof)

      Oh! I also got all achievements in Regency Solitaire. Which made me feel oddly proud.

      1. fenixdawn +7

        Comments on Neko Atsume last week have led me to pick it up. And I have named all my cats as how I would imagine a 6 year old to name them and I find it strangely satisfying. Cats include Cutesy, Stripey, Smokeh, and Eleanor.

        1. beachlass +5

          Naming the cats? Like, actually in the game, or in your head? HOW DO I NAME THE KITTIES?

          I just starting playing Neko Atsume; and am growing horribly fond of the “Oh God NO” face my partner makes when I show off the cats.

          Also, immediately got my daughter addicted too. #goodtimes #bestparenting

        2. foxinthe_snow +3

          I love naming my Neko Atsume cats so much. I have Kittles, Bottom (all I ever see of that cat is its bottom), Toastie, Stripes, and Socks among mine.

          1. m98widow +4

            Most of mine are food related – I have PBCup, PBFluff, Oreo, Snickers, PBSundae, Pecan, Ginger, Fudge, MilkyWay, Peaches and KitKat.

    3. literarysara +5

      Still in Skyrim! Went to Bleak Falls and killed the dragon at the Western Watch Tower, and told myself I’d get go see the Greybeards soon, but suddenly I’m level 40 and leading three guilds/colleges and haven’t made it up the mountain. I find that at this stage of the main quest, Skyrim is only lightly dragoned. Like, just dragoned enough to spice up a long journey and to incite me to climb up mountains looking for treasure, but there aren’t so many dragons that townsfolk have started to freak out. They are way more worried about politics. Solstheim in particular is nice to explore before all of its quest-related enemies have been activated; it’s a really beautiful island and pleasantly nostalgic for Morrowind, which I loved.
      I feel like I’m probably going to keep going this way until one day I do all the main quest in one lump.

      1. literarysara +5

        One sort of sad thing–I”m a Khajit with a high speech skill, so I married Ysolda to be in character. At first we lived in her house, and she continued her routine of walking around with a basket of flowers and making chat with all the stall vendors. As soon as I became Thane I moved her into Breezehome and adopted Lucia, figuring we’d still be close to the market. I thought that I might even lure Hulda out into the dangerous wilderness so that Ysolda could take over the Bannered Mare like she always talked about.
        But once we moved to Breezehome, Ysolda stopped going outside. She does run some kind of sketchy “store” out of the house, and she always says she loves the home and that Lucia is doing well, but she never leaves. It’s depressing.
        I think as soon as Heljarchen Hall is finished I’m going to move the family (and our pet snow fox) up there. At least they’ll have a private bard.

        1. BourneApprox +5

          Oh no! Accidental depressed Tamrielian housewife! I think they get a lot happier when they move into the big Hearthfire houses? At least they have a garden and stuff.

    4. ballisticjaguar +4

      I’ve been feeling the Fire Emblem itch lately, so I think I’m going to start my fourth playthrough of that game (the itch came because the next one is now out in Japan and people are talking about it and I can’t have it until 2016 so.).

      I may also continue with Sunless Sea this weekend as well. We shall see!

    5. slowseptember +6

      The Fellow bought me Roller Coaster Tycoon. He is too much.

      So besides Roller Coaster Tycoon, I’ll be playing Civ V, near-compulsively. (Anyone else want to play? I only play on Warlord because I’m not very good, but my Steam name is slowseptember!)

    6. perianwen +2

      Who is the cat in the relax-y chair on the left side? I haven’t seen that one!

      1. BourneApprox +6

        Neither have I! I just grabbed it from google images. I think it’s Anna Wintour cat?

    7. Household_Opera +5

      I’m playing Neko Atsume too! I’m naming all my regular cats after characters on Doctor Who. The special cats are getting more descriptive names, like “Mr. Noms” for the greedy cat who eats all the food, and “Iron Chef” for the chef kitty who makes sundaes.

    8. HotDoom +4

      I bought my final house remodel today in Nekoatsume! Now I just need to collect all muh kitty frans and their treasures. I love the bits of crap they bring you! There are a few cats that have eluded me which perturbs me greatly, as there was a short period where new cats and their treasures were coming fast and furious.

    9. octopoda +2

      I started Her Story on smeesmeesmee’s advice and it is very interesting. Also my mom loves it :). Still need to play more of Invisible, Inc as well.

    10. Räven +4

      I love Nekoatsume, mostly because it doesn’t really take any time to play. Well, any of MY time; I mean, it’s been a few weeks. Every time I look, something’s different, I might snap a photo, and we’re done in half a minute, tops. I have all the house remodels and all the toys I like the looks of, so I’m just feeding these strays sashimi plates til I get my last couple of treasures. No time pressure, no peril, no chatting, cuteness at all times: MY PERFECT GAME.

    11. Angelan_ +4

      I’m getting slightly less bad at Dishonoured! I never seem to be able to figure out what the game ‘wants’ me to do, so I die fifty times in every mission (people say the game takes 5 hours HA HA HA I’M SO DUMB), but I’m getting there! I feel very accomplished!

    12. Xolandra +2

      I have been not downloading this for months because I am obsessed with my previous App game, Hotel Story. It is perfectly designed to keep me interested literally FOREVER. Is anyone else playing? Am I the only one on whom this game’s weird magic works?

    13. MaladyDee +4

      I picked up Banished 2 weeks back on steam sale and it’s completely sucked me in. You have 20 people and you need to start a settlement and grow it into a successful town. Unlike most city building games, there’s no war or armies, which I find very relaxing. It’s all about resource management, citizen management, and expanding without outgrowing your food supply so far. I’ve started 4 towns so far and I think I’ve finally got the hang of it!

    14. ChloeKEvil +3

      I’m also playing Dragon Age, despite having purchased Mass Effect and Mass Effect 3 last week. Right now I’m playing a Knight-Enchanter Trevelyan who cannot make up his mind about who to romance. Cassandra and Dorian and Bull all have their appeal!

      1. BourneApprox +1

        Difficult! Bull is amazing, from what I’ve heard, but his availability to all races and genders makes him easy to delay to future playthroughs. Dorian’s so charming and touching and has the best butt, but Cass is the badassest and is a perfect tank. Soooo flirt with all of them and see who has the best chemistry with your Knight Enchanter or who gets there first?

  39. anninyn +7

    OH GOD I’M SO LATE I’M SORRY

    cat thread, if no-one else has already?

    It is so hot here lately and Anne has dealt with it in the way of all cats.

    Sleep and sleep and sleep and drink some water and sleep.

  40. iosognodisonno +9

    So…if someone you’re involved with responds to all your attempts to communicate about a big relationship transition by acting annoyed you want a conversation and calling you things like “irrational” and “dramatic,” that counts as gaslighting, yes? I already dumped the guy, but wondered after the fact if in accusing him I was doing that thing people do where they overapply a term in situations where it’s not called for, thus taking some of the power from the term. Curious what others think.

    1. PierrePoutine +11

      I’m leery of over applying clinical terms (perhaps to a fault) but I’d argue that to say ‘that’s gaslighting’ isn’t the same as ‘you have BPD’. Gaslighting isn’t in the DSM, and more importantly, it’s a behaviour, not a pathology applied to a person. Refusing to communicate or dismissing a partner’s stated wishes as ‘irrational’ or ‘dramatic’ reads as an attempt to make you think you’re crazy for not doing what he wants. Trust your gut; you deserve better than that kind of behaviour.

    2. tenyaluna +4

      Eh, possibly? Depending on the circumstance? Like if one is being called irrational over their attachment to, I don’t know, their 6 month dating anniversary and that it isn’t being recognized, that would strike me as a difference in opinion rather than gas lighting (still being asshole-ish, note). But if it fits the intent (i.e., to make you question reality) like, “hey, we’re been together awhile, maybe let’s talk about taking this to the next step like moving in or announcing that we’re in a serious relationship or what do you want?”
      “ugh, we’re not THAT serious, why are you even bringing this up?”
      “we spend all our time together, that is pretty hurtful you don’t think we’re that serious.”
      “Now you’re just being dramatic”
      Then probably? Like the intent is to make you question your perception of reality, to make you feel ridiculous in feeling there is something serious in order to get some kind of upper hand out of the situation, like not moving in together or not be exclusive or whatever suits them.
      Not sure if that is adequately explaining it or not, but I wouldn’t automatically say that using phrases like that makes it gas lighting, more so the context.

      1. iosognodisonno +2

        Um…it was in response to me wanting to have a conversation about him moving in with his other girlfriend (that got angrily shut down by him when we were all there in person) and then trying to talk to him about how I wasn’t ok with the convo being angrily shut down by him a couple of days later. The last convo was the one where I ended it. We were three years in, for the record, and the other girl moving in was sprung on me suddenly by her.

        1. Hadrosaur +2

          That sounds fairly gaslighty to me. It’s certainly a manipulative thing for him to have said in that context.

        2. literarysara +6

          If you like, you can call it “minimizing your feelings,” which is also a toxic relationship behavior. Your ex sounds a bit like an ex of mine who would avoid addressing issues I was having with his behavior by saying that the problem didn’t exist, or that it existed but it was a small problem and I was petty to want to talk about it, or it was my problem not his to deal with, or it was his problem and none of my business. Unfortunately I internalized all of this by assuming that I had these big, crazy, outsize emotions, and I actually started seeing a counselor at my university to get help dealing with them.
          Her response was to look very visibly shocked as I described the situation but to say very gently that she didn’t think my emotions were unreasonable at all, and it was natural to feel upset because he was minimizing my feelings.

          That phrase became a lifeline for me and ultimately led me out of the relationship. Of course, persistently undermining the validity of your partner’s feelings is also gaslighting, but I didn’t know the term at the time. You’re the best judge of whether it applies to you.

          1. iosognodisonno +2

            It can be so meaningful to see others shocked by shit we’ve been convinced to treat as normal. I remember having a similar moment with a friend of mine – she was describing something between her and her boyfriend that she “obviously overreacted to” when hanging out with me my friends she’d just met and seeing my friend’s boyfriend (e.g. total unbiased stranger) respond in a way that made clear that the thing she thought it was unreasonable to be upset about was SO far outside of the normal/ok way to treat someone you love was somehow more powerful than hearing it from friends (who are biased cause they love you and want you to be happy).

    3. SallyRides100Tampons +1

      I think if you already ended the relationship, it’s fair for him not to want any more conversations. Of course, I don’t know if there are other details that warrant exploration but the benefit of breaking up is not having to be around each other anymore, right?

      1. iosognodisonno +2

        I ended the relationship because of the refusal to talk – so it wasn’t a matter of pushing for conversations afterward. I just brought it up because I wondered after the fact if the accusation I made was fair. I don’t doubt that it was wrong to end things, but have been wondering since if I should be more careful in the language I use.

        1. LaxMom +1

          Um, if he cheated on you an moved in with someone else? You’re totally justified in using any language you want!!! (even if he didn’t cheat, springing moving in with another girl as a surprise? that’s a total asshole move).

  41. LaxMom +5

    I should be cleaning the the inside of my house, fencing my garden, cleaning up my yard, and everything else, like hanging curtains, organizing the garage…all of this is possible in a 3 day weekend, right? In addition to a 40th birthday party, 2 cookouts, and watching my kid march in the parade.

    Girl’s arm has healed. High schooler spontaneously went to a friend’s house yesterday! Socialization in a 14 year old boy–success!!

    I am in denial about the job, I haven’t heard anything.
    My job is definitely holding me back in terms of professional development. Grr..

    Have a great 4th! I’m going to take this cleaning bug and go with it. Look what two days with actual sunshine can do!

    1. RoseCamelia +1

      Forget “should.” Prioritize what must be done, then do what you feel like doing. And BTW, I see nothing in your comment that qualifies as “must”. Do what feels right, or do what you know will feel good once it’s finished, or do what you know will feel bad if you neglect it. And try to relax. You’re an excellent parent. And your value as an employee will be recognized by an employer worthy of you.

      1. LaxMom +1

        I scrubbed the pool deck, and before that had dinner at my parents’ house.

        Totally forgot to add: Wed night the girl got all “There’s something I have to tell you, but, I don’t want to tell you”, and squirmy, and kept trying to say it and then going, “no, I can’t”….after 20 minutes of almost coming out with it, she says, “I am getting a little uncomfortable with my ‘bumps’ showing under my t-shirts. I think we need to go look for bras”. Well! That was a lot better than what I feared she would say!

        We’ve done two “bra shopping” trips. So far the best ones are basically lightweight seamless synthetic cropped undershirts.
        She also tried on a bathing suit. When she finally came out of the dressing room, I looked at her, and said, “That is the universal unhappy face that every woman has after trying on bras and bathing suits!!!”

        Also, I’ve been collecting the female Thor comic books, and we’ve been sitting down and reading them together at night this week. I’m going to have to get caught up soon, I think I”m missing the last 3 issues. It’s been a blast. I remember why I love comic books.
        And I bought fake wonderwoman underoos for MYSELF at target yesterday.

  42. anninyn +42

    Sooooooooo did I mention I was chosen to be a panellist at nineworlds geek convention

    not a big deal, i’m not a constant bubbling vat of joy at all

    1. smeesmeesmee +2

      Awesome! What panel? It’s always on my birthday weekend and I’m away this year so I cannot go but wish I were!

      1. anninyn +4

        Two panels. Disability in the Post-apocalypse and Nineworlds Survives the Apocalypse.

        1. smeesmeesmee +2

          They sound brilliant! Next year I hope to go as a birthday present to myself.

        2. bookwormV +1

          Those sound really interesting! Congratulations and good luck. (I am not going this year, sadly, but hope to again at some point.)

    2. RoseCamelia +2

      Constant bubbling vat of joy? I like thinking of you that way. Congratulations!

    3. Helen_Damnation +1

      Nine Worlds! I shall see you there 🙂 I am not a panelist, though. Go you!

  43. deleted7410012 +7

    happy long weekend, american toasties, or to those experiencing a long weekend in general!

    i’m going to burger boogaloo in oakland and it should be a good time.

    also good good good news: i had my yearly review and was nervous about negotiating but it went about 500% better than i expected and they offered me a promotion and a great raise without me even asking for it!

    not so good news: i have a stomach ache that just won’t seem to go away and i know i ought to go to the doctor about it but i don’t want to. i just want it to go away! i’m being a giant whiny baby about it, i know.

    1. RoseCamelia +1

      I’m sorry about your stomach ache. Whining is OK after you’ve done what’s necessary and responsible. Give it the weekend to potentially resolve itself. Promise yourself you will call your doc on Monday, absent significant improvement. And congratulations on your promotion and raise!

  44. nicoledieker +43

    So I ended a nascent dating thing (not long enough to be considered a relationship) for two big and weird reasons:

    1. I read the guy’s book (he published a book) and all the characters were white men. And part of me was all “eh, he published this a few years ago, maybe that is not a big deal, maybe in a few months we’ll be in bed together and I can subtly whisper that it would be nice to have other characters in the sequel,” and the rest of me was EEEWW NOPE.

    2. He didn’t read the short story I sent him in response. It was all “you should read my book,” and I was “yay, I love books,” and then I responded with “I read your book, here are the parts I think are great, here is a story of mine you might enjoy.”

    And he didn’t read it, and didn’t even say “I’m going to read it.” And so I was like “okay, now I know what this relationship might be like in the future” and bailed.

    Also he said my body type was the body type he liked most, which just made me feel grody.

    Anyway, I’m sharing this because when I was thinking “is this worth not dating someone over,” I thought about The Toast and I was pretty sure if y’all ever post a joke list of reasons to dump people on the spot, “his book only has white male characters” would be on it.

    1. fenixdawn +15

      I am imagining the “you’re my favorite body type” conversation and it feels ….. Like a nope. Good call on that one.

      1. allanaaa +17

        I read something last night that was like “He told me I wasn’t the body type he usually goes for, and it made me so proud.” I feel equally gross about all conversations that pitch someone in relation to a pointless ideal.

        1. sorrycassandra +16

          Ewwwww. That is such a revolting thing to say. “I am willing to spend naked time with you, even though it means an aesthetic compromise! Please give me cookies!” NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

          I know that there are certain physical attributes my husband is attracted to and I have them, but it’s not gross when he says it because he frames it as “you’re beautiful and I love your ________” rather than “you meet my criteria for sexing, congratulations!”

    2. anninyn +27

      good call.

      You avoided a relationship that would likely be full of mansplaining and subtle denigration of your creative achievements.

    4. fishesinthetwee +13

      Only white male characters, eh? Only published the one, several years ago? Not impressed. Consider that alone well worth you rethinking this nascent dating thing.

      AND THEN he didn’t read your story, and with no response why? Plus feeling grody about his body comments? Nope! Peace out! Good job taking an early warning sign and doing a smart thing about it!

    5. spring chickens +12

      #2 did it even more than #1 for me (though none of it good). It’s the beginning stage of a relationship when he should be all excited about you, and he didn’t even read your story? Or explain why he didn’t? Nope.

    6. grumblyqueer +20

      I’d say that’s the clearest red flag I ever did see. Not just that his books are full of white dudes, but that his mass of literary genius is so important to share with you and one story of yours isn’t worth noting. There’s a pretty clear power dynamic there.

    7. maggiegrift +5

      Re #1, I have an easy time forgiving people when they show that they are willing to change (certainly everything I wrote in junior high was full of white girls playing soccer… yes 13 years old is more forgivable than late 20s or 30s, I’m guessing. But still, I think if he was embarrassed by his choices of a few years ago, I could forgive somebody. But it sounds like he’s not even aware of his missteps!)

      Re: #2, Yeah girl, good call, get out!

    8. Räven +8

      TBH I’d rather read a white guy’s book full of only white guys, than his book where he invents a black friend and maybe a south asian one. Or writes dialogue for women when he doesn’t know how to. Especially in a first novel, people tend to write what they know. The rest all sound like terrible alarm bells though. Good for you for seeing the future and bailing.

      1. aberkoff +6

        I mean, it’s tricky.

        if you’re a white dude who hasn’t leveled up enough to figure out that “white dude” is not the default setting of human beings, don’t try to write poc and/or women who are just going to be one-dimensional foils for your more fully human white dude characters.

        but also, if you haven’t pulled your head out of your ass enough to figure out how to get into the minds of people who don’t look like you, you are not a good writer and I do not want to read your book.

        1. Räven +4

          Oh sure. I can’t remember the last time I heard about a first novel by a white guy and thought ‘yes, I’d like to give six hours of my life to that’. So we are completely in accord there. (I’m not interested in Philip Roth or Knausgaard either, so it’s not just the young’uns.)

          On the other hand I think you tell the story you have. Most Americans’ close friend circles and families are not diverse, and a lot of novelists basically draw from their own lives. I don’t want Jhumpa Lahiri or Junot Diaz or Toni Morrison to master characters who don’t look like them, and I think they are good writers. So if what a dude knows is bro culture in Sioux City, or disaffected neo-readers of the beatniks, or a young man finding himself in the modern metropolis, then god help him, that’s who should be in his (never-to-be-read-by-me) novel.

  45. deleted2997279 +3

    This time last year I was drinking a lot and arguing with my SO about stupid shit that was not his fault and generally being a terrible person and I decided to take a summer drinking hiatus – it last through most of July and I started easing back into drinking in early August and since then I’ve felt pretty okay with handling my drinking + feelings.

    However! I have decided taking another hiatus sounds like a good idea? I’m wondering if I’m about to make dry-ly (“ly” like “lie” in “July”) a thing in my life? This time I’m mostly just interested in saving money & losing a few pounds that have been hanging on for dear life, but my drinking does generally increase in the summer and maybe this will help me stay productive at work and in life and etc etc.

    Anyway! Any summertime health plans, Toasties?

    1. slowseptember +1

      I like Dry-ly; I will perhaps do an August version.

      Otherwise, my health plans include: finding out what’s up with my shoulder, drinking more water, trying to hit 10 000 steps at least once a week.

    2. ToastiewithCheese +4

      I often do this in January. How exactly varies (I’ve done the whole month, two weeks, no drinking except on Saturday, etc.).

      It’s not because of the same reason (I’m a pretty happy drunk, but sometimes I tend to use booze as a crutch for relaxation), but what I like about it is that it confirms that I’m not dependent on alcohol: I can set myself a goal and it’s not difficult to stick to. And then when my self-imposed sobriety period ends, I can get back to happily drinking without qualms 🙂

      As for summertime health plans: I might do a no-drinking period after I come back from holiday (I’m visiting my parents at their summer house and that’s always exceedingly boozy), and I want to exercise more but the past few days it’s just been too damn hot.

    3. fenixdawn +11

      I just joined HabitRPG to keep track of my health stuff!! So far it is fun!!!

      And ….I’m walking to Mordor!! My goal is to cover the distance to Mordor (1779 miles) by the end of the year. Yesterday I got to Moria 🙂 I count walking, biking, rowing, etc towards my mileage.

    4. owlegg +5

      I started running three weeks ago and am signed up for a short race (6k, I think?) in August. I was basically starting from zero fitness-wise and yesterday I managed to run 5k without any walk breaks! It was basically flat and I ran really slowly but I still feel incredibly accomplished.

      I’ve been thinking about cutting down on drinking but I’m really hesitant to do it because I enjoy drinking socially and I feel like a lot of social events involve drinking in some capacity and I’m already pretty socially anxious, so I feel like it would make things hard. I’m going to keep thinking about it and maybe do a dry August?

      1. deleted2997279 +2

        Are you worried about not having alcohol as a social lubricant, or not having something to do/hold in your hand? I still go out to a lot of social events but I just get a seltzer or something similar and (almost) no one bats an eye. Plus it’s a good barometer to see how people react to “oh I’m not drinking right now,” you learn a lot about a person when they try to respond to someone going against any kind of social norm.

        1. owlegg +2

          I find it a lot easier to be social (especially with people I don’t know as well) when I’m drinking, but I also just hate being around drunk people when I’m sober, so I’m mostly hesitant for social reasons?

    5. houblonchouffe +1

      MrChouffe and I cut back on our drinking a LOT in June. I feel so, so, so much better. We didn’t stop entirely, but probably cut intake by 75-85% and it has made a HUGE difference. I think he’s lost 10lbs and I’m definitely narrower than I was, and our bank accounts are infinitely happier as well. Go for it if you think it’s working for you! Let us know how it goes!

    6. Xolandra +2

      I desire a shoulder stand. I have been working up to having the core strength to do this for YEARS. This summer, I will do one. And then? I WILL FOLD MYSELF INTO PLOW.

  46. allanaaa +4

    Fashion thread! Because I’m home sick and avoiding furiously scrubbing every last inch of my new apartment.

    Today it’s a denim-on-denim kind of day for me. Otherwise I was kind of looking into a bubblegum-pastel-colours-in-a-50s-housewife-style summer style. What’s your summer style, guys? Tell me what you’re weaaaaaaaaaaariiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

    1. allanaaa +3

      Semi-on-topic:
      Has anyone ever consigned things? Or, better, etsy’d or Craigslist’d or ebay’d things? I have a bunch of wicked-cool vintage articles that need to go to good homes. I’m not sure I want to set up a whole shop for it — and there are some secondhand shops in Toronto that will give me a decent amount of store credit for consigning my stuff there. Stories, please! <3

      1. owlegg +4

        My roommate does a lot of online shopping and has sold some of her stuff to Kind Exchange. They didn’t give her a ton of money but it was pretty easy and they usually took a fair amount of her items.

        1. allanaaa +1

          Yeah, Kind Exchange was first on my mind. They are the only place where store credit would be worth more than just taking the lesser amount in cash.

      2. her_again +4

        I have never not felt ripped off by consignment stores (and I find the whole process of taking my clothes in to be a very special kind of humiliation) although if you know in advance how much store credit you’re looking at, that’s good. However, I’ve had the most success (like, about $200 worth of success) with local buy/sell/swap facebook groups. I would advise trying to find one that’s a) fairly active and b) specifically designed for your demographic. I’ve bought a few things off there too and always had good experiences. Good luck!

    2. slowseptember +4

      Today I am ‘Dressed Western’, as it’s Stampede Parade day. I haul this crap out of my closet ONCE A YEAR, Y’ALL. I have on a orange, teal, grey and navy plaid blouse with a navy camisole, skinny jeans and black suede high-heeled boots and my hair in a braid.

      Yahoo.

    4. maggiegrift +2

      I am wearing my Saltwater Sandals in red. I bought them last year and kind of forgot about them until I saw another woman wearing hers. Now I’ve worn them every day this week!

  47. grace_adieu +3

    Nah, that sounds like a pretty appropriate usage to me. It doesn’t have to be on the level of denying that actual events occurred to count as gaslighting. There are different levels of shitty behavior, but they are all still shitty.

  48. Momthra +80

    I don’t know why I didn’t share this when it happened but I have to tell you all that I think my boyfriend and I broke up maybe in part because of this blog? Not the blog itself, but his projection of all of the parts of feminism that made his liberal hipster penis sad and that, my friends, was truly a gift. He wanted to go see Birdman (this was back in January) and i mentioned very casually that I had read somewhere that some people thought it was boring (I did NOT say that I too find the existential crisis of the aging white male narrative dull as dirt). The venom in his response was shocking! “WHERE did you read that? On that BLOG!?” I said I didn’t remember exactly (I did, it was a tweet from Mallory). He then went off the edge, “you read that blog and it’s all man-hating and mean and it’s like it’s a joke but really there’s a lot of anger there.” So I asked which article specifically he felt was representative of this and told him that I didn’t realize he was reading The Toast. He then sputtered and told me that he only ever looked at the articles I sent him (seriously, maybe one or two of the art jokes and I don’t believe that he ever even read those ones) but that doesn’t matter because he knows that we’re all just looking at the world through this “lens” that he doesn’t identify with (I think he meant the lens of my female body from which I live) and he then stormed out.

    We broke up the next week and this is one of those glorious memories that I hold on to to remind me of just how little I lost.

    1. loren_smith +30

      That’s amazing. I would like to buy you a glass of wine and hear this story over and over again.

    2. geekcrackteam +85

      ‘Why did you break up’

      ‘He didn’t like The Toast’

      ‘Fair play.’

      1. fenixdawn +18

        Thankfully my husband passed. The other day I read aloud Mallory’s Ayn Rand reviews children books post and he actually laughed so hard he cried.

        1. her_again +12

          I don’t think I’ve ever seen my boyfriend laugh so hard as when reading The Wikipedia Entry for Guam, Retold as a YA Novel.

          We also both agreed that Birdman was boring as shit, so.

        2. houblonchouffe +11

          Half the time, MrChouffe and I send each other the same articles at the same time. He is A Good One ™.

      2. foxinthe_snow +14

        I’ve been easing my boyfriend in with Two Monks and Ayn Rand Writes Harry Potter, but the real tests are coming. Can we agree on a peak Toast article with which to test potential partners? Obviously they will all have to read the comments as well and understand that Toasties are in possession of wit and genius unparalleled.

        3. neuromanticism +8

          How about the White Male Novelist posts. I think they can get at almost anyone male, no matter their whiteness or love of reading, because they really go for the tendency to think of men as inherently interesting and dignified. Should be kryptonite for white intellectuals.

          If he gets through the more misandrist Art History posts (like the ones with men playing music at women or trying to talk to women in public) without pulsating forehead veins, I think he might be ready for the Novelists.

        4. Helen_Damnation +11

          I’d Like To Help My Wife, But I’m Trapped Under Something Heavy, or whatever it was called.

      1. SmrtCookie +31

        “What would The-Toast commentors say?” is a legit thing I’ve asked myself when open thread is too far away and/or I don’t feel like spilling my guts.

    5. iosognodisonno +46

      Him getting mad at you for reading a blog cause “there’s a lot of anger there” is a pretty nice example of hypocrisy. You could have been like “maybe I should peace out on this convo, cause there’s a lot of anger here.”

      I think the thing that most personifies male privilege for me is how often me and my friends really talk over our feelings and question if we’re being “fair” and just generally mull over relationship decisions while trying to keep other people’s perspectives in mind. Meanwhile many of the men in our lives just do what they want and find ways to justify doing so to themselves without ever getting out of their heads and thinking about the people around them.

    6. Daniel_Loo +32

      A sad, liberal hipster penis is one of those things I’ll be picturing all weekend while quietly laughing to myself

          4. pole2pole +5

            Very good. That could be seen as either a soul patch or an annoying Tintin quiff, depending on the orientation of the penis.

    7. Xolandra +11

      THIS IS AMAZING. I want in on the eternal wine/cheese/story-time too please!

      It literally did not even occur to me until right now that anyone could get anything out of this site except for gloriousness and love.

    9. Helen_Damnation +8

      I told a colleague I liked Lily Allen and he called her a man-hater. Lily Allen! If I ever showed him the Toast he would faint dead away.

    10. saffiedarling +9

      Late, but this is one of the (many) reasons I recently split with my partner of 11 years. He started to have a real problem with my feminist views and wrote the entire movement off as man-haters that enjoyed being angry and outraged. If I was upset about something I read or saw, it was my fault for caring in the first place. At one point I had a t-shirt with that said ‘dear boys, I hate you all. love, me’. He went ballistic about it, claiming that it made him feel sick and offended and how could I. He referenced #killallmen. The only reason I was ever sad was apparently because of the internet – not him telling me I was too crazy to have kids, or that I’d destroyed his dreams, or spending thousands of our money without telling me. He started telling me my friends weren’t actually people that made me feel loved and energised, but poisionous toxic man-haters that made me miserable. He spent 20 minutes in the middle of an argument trawling facebook to see whether I had ‘liked’ a social justice meme that he disagreed with.

      The separation process is still awful and I hate it and I’ve been feeling grief and guilt and sadness but I have never been so sure in my life that I made the right decision.

  49. ppyajunebug +16

    Also, I want to thank everyone who commented last week about my grandma and lack-of-grief. I’m home with my family now and it seems like the whole thing has lifted a weight of the family shoulders. My mom is closer with my aunt than she’s been in years and it looks like we’re going to be a much happier family now (awful as that may sound)

    Tl;dr grief is still complicated but y’all are awesome

    1. laurenipsum +1

      I was thinking of you this week as my grandma gets closer to the end. I still feel weird about the lack of grief (my own, not yours) but am glad that there are folks here we can reach out to.

      1. ppyajunebug +1

        *hugs* I was feeling so weird about it too, but talking to people about it here helped so much. I’m always here to talk about it, if you need to.

  50. slowseptember +20

    TOASTIES I AM SO GLAD TO BE IN THE OPEN THREAD TODAY!
    Happy Fourth, Americans!

    Since I was last here a thousand years ago:

    -I quit my job
    -I decided to start a business
    -I found out what the Mystery Ailment was and am on the mend

    Today I am listening to the Calgary Stampede parade go by outside my office and am also watching the livestream because I’m ‘working’ (my last day is the 10th!!!!!) What are you up to? I’m off to catch up obsessively on all your posts today.

    1. AmyEntropy +1

      I sort of am too! Not watching livestream, which I’ve done before, but catching up on tweets about it (and on the Toast) on my lunch hour.
      I’m not downtown so I can’t see it. Wednesday was Canada Day and I volunteered at our community breakfast. I had to run home during it to get a sweater because I was cold. How Canadian is that?

    2. RoseCamelia +1

      So happy for you! What is your new business? Can Toastfriends support it?

      1. slowseptember +2

        I hope so, eventually! It’s really nice of you to ask!
        I am doing social media/online communications/creative consultation/blogging contracts, with a focus on independent health care providers (like massage therapists and optometrists) who want to build their online presence. 

        I’m also hoping to spend some serious time with my own writing 🙂

  51. solrius +4

    Happy holiday weekend to those Toasters who are celebrating! It’s horribly hot here, so I’ve been hiding indoors and finally getting back to reading some novels, now that term’s over. So, what’s everyone reading (apologies if I’ve missed a thread of similar nature…)?

    I’ve also been watching this video of a talk between Zadie Smith and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, and having never read any of Chimamanda’s books before I now want to read all of them…

    1. ToastiewithCheese +2

      Americanah is fantastic. (Her other books probably are too, but I haven’t gotten around to those yet)

      1. slowseptember +1

        I’ve read Americanah and Half of a Yellow Sun (plus the text of her TED talk), and highly recommend both.

        Half of a Yellow Sun was so enlightening as to Biafran-Nigerian history, too.

        1. solrius +2

          Thank you both! We’ve got Half of a Yellow Sun in the bookcase, so I think I’ll read that after I finish the Terry Pratchett.

          She read a few pages of Americanah at the start of the video, at it sounded amazing.

  52. missellabell +2

    (TW: illness, physical and mental)

    I never post on here really, but I could do with some help. I’ve talked about this (at hideous, boring length) on Twitter, but I think maybe the Toast might have some advice:

    I am struggling with intrusive, obsessive, calamitous thoughts. Namely, mostly, that my boyfriend has cancer, and will die. I think this because of a handful of symptoms, most of which could be nothing, and all of which could be symptoms for other things too. He does not feel sick at all. He feels fine, and thinks I’m being unsettling, and it makes him feel weird. Obviously.

    But I can’t stop thinking it. I can’t stop at all. And it’s ruining my life a bit: I just want to cry all the time. It’s been a really tumultuous few months (my best friend was tested for cancer, although she’s fine now; and my grandfather died of it a week after I found out he was sick; plus a lot of non-cancer horrible, unexpected, out-of-my-control things too) and I cannot stop worrying- even when I’m happy, content, coping with everything else. Background: I have an anxiety disorder which I am quite good at dealing with; I had a therapist through college until three months ago and now need to find a new one. And I just cannot stop thinking about it, obsessively, like it’s forcing its way into my head and bursting through all the happy good thoughts and things that are there.

    So, Toasties. I’m pouring my heart out here because I think maybe, some of you might have felt like this at some point, or have techniques for dealing with it, or have recommendations for the kind of therapist I ought to seek out. Maybe? Or maybe nobody will see this comment, I don’t know how the Open Thread works now. But I need advice, because it’s ruining everything.

    1. slowseptember +10

      Oh, ellabell, I am so sorry that this is happening.

      Honestly, my #1 advice is to find a therapist sooner rather than later, or even to call a distress line if there is one available to you. I think talking to someone who Knows Their Shit as close to immediately as possible will do a great deal to soothe your mind until you can get into regular care.

      I’m so sorry.

    2. fenixdawn +4

      I’m not sure I have any advice exactly but I can report that both me and members of my family have had very similar experiences. I can say that therapy helps, and talking to supportive people helps, and most of all, knowing that you’re not alone helps. Hugs to you. Find a therapist and as much as you can, find ways to sort of get out of your brain a little bit. Engaging activities, hanging out with friends, etc. It sounds like a way for your brain to cope with lots of traumatic awful stuff, so be gentle and forgiving with yourself as your brain tries to heal and sort things out.

    3. spring chickens +2

      It sounds like you might be displacing grief and fear from the other situations in your life onto him, at least a little bit. But even if he *did* have cancer and *were* dying (which he probably doesn’t/isn’t), you wouldn’t want to spend the time you have together thinking like this, I think.

      For me after some big deaths what really helped was reading Thich Nhat Han’s No death, no fear, which is for grieving people and people thinking about their own mortality. It’s buddhist/agnostic/atheist-friendly, and it helps you change how you think about death, instead of denying it. I also liked Jon Rabat-Zinn’s Catastrophic Living.

      I haven’t tried it, but people also say good things about Mood Gym, which is free on-line cognitive therapy to change the way you are thinking day-to-day, esp. if it is producing excessive anxiety, depression, anger, worry.

      1. missellabell +2

        I have bought this book for Kindle, thank you. And I know you’re right: that’s what makes it so stupid. I want to enjoy where we are and what we have while we have it, not cry because it might end, and because we might be hurt. I feel myself pulling away from hugs, even, because I can’t stop thinking “what if I never got another hug?”. It’s mad.

        1. spring chickens +1

          oh, this sounds very hard on you. I definitely hope you find a therapist you like soon — good luck and warm wishes!

    4. fenixdawn +4

      Also, I can promise you, it doesn’t last. I know because I’ve been there, and it’s hard to remember when you are in a weird brain place. This philosopher Stanleh Cavell has some quote about how “our moods don’t know each other” (I am probably totally misremembering that but whatevs). At any rate, I find that really helpful to remember. When you are consumed with worry and anxiety, try to remember that it will pass and just because you can’t remember what it’s like to not have the anxiety, it is out there and you WILL find it again.

    5. LaxMom +2

      All i xan say is, if you are not on medication, keep your mind open to it as a short term solution. I never could have gotten throgh my divorce without an ssri. It was just a bonus that when i took it for the depression, it shut down all tge negative internal voices and allowed me to stop reacting to them long eniugh to find out where the thoughts were coming from. Anxiety sucks, and i hope you get some relief soon. Cancer is horrible in so many ways.

      1. Brooks

        This, yes. So much yes. Or even as a long-term solution. In my case, I was in a state where I had plenty of things to be anxious about, and when I was reminded of one the anxiety-chemicals would flood my brain and (in the way that memory is tied to emotion) I’d be reminded of all the other things I had to be anxious about. Which made me rather a mess at dealing with them, especially the ones that were related to a relationship that had gone awkward. The combination of antidepressant and anti-anxiety med slowed down the flood, so that thinking about one anxious thing just brought about a proportionate level of anxiety and suddenly all of the coping mechanisms that I’d been learning through years of therapy _actually worked_ to deal with it.

  53. geekcrackteam +4

    TOAST! I haven’t been on in what feel like weeks and I have so much catching up to do!

    I was on holiday back home and all I could think was ‘I am missing so many link roundups. Where will I get my news!’

  54. Household_Opera +7

    Happy 4th of July, USA Toasts! Last week I missed the open thread because I was on a plane to San Francisco, where I went to a library conference and then got to march with a bunch of fellow librarians in the Pride parade, waving signs with LGBTQ book covers on them and escorted by two San Francisco Public Library bookmobiles. It was awesome. (And it was a pretty historically great weekend for it, too. Yay, SCOTUS!)

    Tomorrow I’m going for a picnic in Central Park with some friends and then trying frantically to cram in a bunch of errands, apartment-hunting, and miscellaneous work stuff before heading off to another conference. It’s possible I overscheduled the hell out of this summer. But at least I’ve got a picnic to look forward to.

    1. Heathered +3

      The only 2 photos I saw from SF Pride were 1) David Levithan hanging out with a few friends at the parade, then a little later in my FB feed 2) David Levithan’s photo of the bookmobiles and someone holding up a sign with the cover of his novel TWO BOYS KISSING on it. I’m delighted to know a Toastie was part of that scene.

    2. laurenipsum +3

      I was so glad ALA was in SF at the time that it was. I didn’t go as I’m not really a librarian, but my facebook was full of delighted friend librarians with rainbows and whatnot.

  55. literarysara +4

    I enjoyed “The Politics of Ugly Food” so much that I re-read this early essay by Barthes that I love. It’s called Ornamental Cookery and I enjoyed re-reading it in the context of that post, but I didn’t want to hijack the thread with my feels, so here is a blog post I wrote about it.

  56. missellabell +7

    I’m really glad I’m not alone. Thank you. I DO feel better when I’m doing stuff, that is true. And yes, maybe my brain is trying heal. I hope so. I really really hope so.

  57. SmrtCookie +23

    I’M UNDER CONTRACT! I’M BUYING A HOUSE! (as long as everything goes okay, toast witches send me all the good thoughts, okay?)

  58. EllaAstor +2

    I guess this might be a Mental Health Thread, but really, have you guys ever had a first bad meeting with a psychiatrist that turned out to be okay?

    So, trigger warning, suicide: so I’ll bury this comment.

    1. EllaAstor +2

      Since February, I’ve been dealing with ultra-rapid bipolar cycling, which disintegrated into suicidal ideations. Two weeks ago, I finally met with a new psychiatrist (pdoc) and I’m not sure how I feel about him.

      These are the bullet points of the visit, which, I could fully give context, but I’m not sure context would explain anything anyway.

      (1) The receptionist yelled at me, told me to go sit down after she told me that the pdoc wasn’t in that day. I’d just spent $20 on a cab ride over, so I was understandably upset. Like, don’t you guys call people to tell them that the pdoc is out? She yells at me to sit down, but doesn’t tell me whether the pdoc is in or out. I finally get her to tell me that the pdoc is in, but she’s pretty pissed at me. Red flag #1.

      (2) The pdoc’s nurse tells me with resignation or maybe exhaustion that the pdoc likes to joke around and likes to be funny. I notice the look on her face and ask her “well, you’re not smiling, so are you telling me that he tries to be funny but can come off as offensive?” and she stays silent but doesn’t disagree with what I said. Red flag #2.

      (3) I finally get in to see the pdoc. He walks like an athlete, so I think, football player. And as a football player, I find out, he can make instant conclusions about people and this is important.

      (4) Pdoc is reading, on his laptop, the information I gave to an intake person. I see it’s an HP laptop, and somehow we get to talking about computers just in general. I tell him that I’ve worked in IT for many years, and he starts explaining to me that Microsoft is superior to Apple Mac. I try to interject, that yep, you’re either a Mac person or a Microsoft person … and he cuts me off, and I realize that he is actually mansplaining to a computer scientist about her subject … he goes on like this for, I timed it, 5 minutes. Red flag #3.

      (5) He tells me not to mock Big Bird.
      (6) He tells me I don’t understand anything about football, after I tell him that with my traumatic brain injury, I can either watch a football game or listen to a football game, but I can’t do both. So, it’s not the TBI, it’s just general ignorance on my part? Oh. Okay. My bad. Because I also have a problem following TV shows or movies, I have to rewind a lot … and I also have trouble following conversations in real life, but um. Okay. He decides that my TBI is not actually a problem. He stops listening again, so I shut up. Red flag #4.

      (7) He decides that I have suicidal ideations all the time, so my current struggles with rapid cycling and suicide are not anomalous. They’re normal. I try to explain but … :

      1. EllaAstor +1

        (8) He then decides that I don’t have manias. I try to explain that I usually have one mania a month, and so I’m more accustomed to them than other bipolars might be. Like, after all these years, I’ve gotten used to rapid thoughts, or feeling like I should buy everything, or feeling like I am a god, or other things … so these things don’t *scare* me, but I do have to deal with them. Anger, though, I have problems with and can’t seem to get used to … He was done listening though which by now I should know, right?

        (9) So I try to bring the conversation back around to my current struggles and he tells me that he can’t change my medication until he gets to know me better. In the meantime, just keep going to the ER if I think I’m out-of-control. Or something. Because, you know … #7 and #8. Red flag # ?? Uh.

        (10) He sends me out to the receptionist, who yells at me again to sit down, she’ll call me when she is ready to deal with me. Is there a sign that says that anywhere? No. But I’m supposed to know that.

        (11) At this point, I’m mentally exhausted, and I’ve just done the switchover from mania to depression, as I’ve been doing nearly every day since February and I want to go home to bed and shut out the world … but I have to pick up prescriptions from Target. I go to Target, and surprisingly, all the clerks and customer service people are nice to me, and by now I don’t know why, because … I’ve been feeling like a crazy person … for ignorantly thinking I was having problems with my bipolar disorder and that I can’t follow rules I don’t know about.
        No, I mean, I don’t feel like I have a safety net, I don’t feel like the pdoc was listening and I don’t know if another visit or two with him will tell me whether he was joking or not or making decisions about me without listening to me … but uh, I don’t feel like I’m good at making decisions right now either. Will things get better, or … And how the f*** did Big Bird come into the conversation at all, if I can ask?

        There’s a shortage of pdocs in my state, so if I would go with another pdoc, the openings will be in October. So I have to tell this pdoc that I feel like he isn’t listening? Because I’m thinking that he’s a mansplaining tour-de-force. He also asked how I felt teaching kids about computers, could I do that, and I Iaughed. Right now I’m just < facepalm > because there’s not much I can do to alleviate the situation in the short term.

        I think this is one of the worst psychiatrists visit I’ve ever had. Anyone out there got bad doctor or bad psychiatrist visit experiences? I would love to hear them!

        1. laurenipsum +3

          Oh man. I don’t know what you should do but I want to say you are doing a great job of listening to your gut about all these (TOTALLY LEGIT) red flags. I know it is hard to keep advocating for yourself, especially when you’re already sick, but I think you have your head on straight re: this asshole.

          How DID Big Bird come into it?? wtf?

          Oh, here’s a thing — if you have to wait until October for a new doc, BUT this jerk is just going to tell you to go to the ER rather than working with you, maybe you should just bail on him, continue to go to ER (which is what he would have you do anyway), and try to hold tight until the next doctor is available?

          I don’t know though, I might be wrong about that, and I don’t want you to be at risk!

        2. anotherkate_sf +4

          My opinion is that you should dump him as a pdoc asap. That’s a hell of a lot of red flags. Do you live near enough to a border with another state that you could travel elsewhere? I suppose that would depend on if you can pay out of pocket or not. It may be worth calling a crisis hotline, they should have a list of resources for you, and at the very least can listen to you vent and help give out an outside perspective.
          Waiting until October sounds horrible, but it’s actually only a few months away. If you know you’re unlikely to go from ideation to actually taking steps, I think it might be worth sticking it out. Having a figure of authority screw with your diagnosis or meds will probably have a much longer negative effect, since your next doctor would have to undo all the mistakes of the dumbass football doc. Still, I am just a stranger on the internet. I really think it would be worth talking to a hotline, your GP, or a friend/relative who you trust to be objective.

        3. LaxMom +5

          Ive had a doc like that, and it was worse than nothing. You are really struggling through ths with so much strength and grace. I agree with the others that you deserve help, not abuse. Having receptionists that attack you is awful, i had one yell at me over the phone when i was in a similar place and it was very harmful and upsetting. It is hard enough to admit our vulnerabilties to a stranger and it is violating to be attacked for doing so.

          1. laurenipsum +3

            I kept thinking about this thread today, and I think you’re right, Ccoryy — the wrong doctor can be worse than nothing. Do be safe, EllaAstor, and reach out here if you need it. We’re thinking of you.

        4. Unreadaethel +3

          My advice would be to dump him (with the caveat that I don’t know your life, etc). Your gut is telling you he’s bad news (as is your entirely rational thinking brain, for that matter), and he sounds like he’s actually quite likely to be actively harmful to your mental health, rather than just not being helpful. Do you have a trusted friend or family member you can talk to/visit/stay with when you’re experiencing suicidal ideation? Because it really sounds as if risk minimization might be the best option until you can see somebody else, who will hopefully not be terrible, in October. I’ve done that before, in situations where I couldn’t find a doctor I trusted, and I think that worked out ok. I find not being able to trust my doctor to be worse than not having one at all, mental health-wise.

          Also, you sound like you’re handling this really well. It’s hard, having to protect ourselves from the people who are supposed to be experts in helping us, but you’re paying attention to all these red flags, and checking in with your own thoughts and feelings. I just wanted to tell you you’re amazing.

        5. Helen_Damnation +1

          Ugh. What a cockweasel. I’m sorry that you had to deal with him. I’m sorry he exists. That guy’s not a safety net, he’s a spike-trap.

          October’s not as long away as it feels. For now, the Emergency Room is your safety net, but you’ll have a better one soon.

    2. RoseCamelia +8

      What a dickwad! You deserve so much better than that doc. And that receptionist should lose her job. I feel powerless to help you, but feel strongly that you need and deserve help. Maybe the silver lining will be that any medical professional you see next will be a vast improvement solely because they are not Doctor Dickwad. I am angry on your behalf. Wishing you better health and better treatment.

      1. EllaAstor +5

        Oh, god I’m gonna have to find a new psychiatrist, aren’t I? Thank you for being the voice of reason again, RoseCamelia. A pdoc shouldn’t get angry at me, as he did, for trying to explain things. *sigh* This rapid cycling thing has to stop so I can make decent decisions, but there you are, I have to deal with it somehow. Thank you.

  59. paddlepickle +2

    OMG I’m on the Open Thread! I have not been able to read ANY Toast for the past few weeks and it’s been tragic.

    So, I am loving the shit out of my job for the first time in years, but I’m also wigging out a bit. My boss (the Executive Director) just adopted an amazing squishy baby and will be gone for the next two months. And the person I manage in my department is leaving at the end of July, so I have only a few weeks to hire someone new. And I have five giant reports due this month as well. On some level it’s exciting being thrust into this leadership role where I have to draw on skills and stamina that have been dormant for my past few years of mild depression, but also: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Also, both my best friends/roommates are having kind of a rough time right now and it’s adding some extra stress and feelings.

    So, any advice on how to instantly transform into a confident leader who can take care of EVERYTHING?

    Also, how is everyone else who just moved cross country doin?

  60. maggiegrift +2

    GYM THREAD!

    I didn’t get any PRs this week but I did all my weightlifting programming. I’m working on rising from my squats more quickly and aggressively, and that’s been feeling really good. The plates make a little rattle at the top (due to my speed) and it makes me happy.

    Otherwise, I have decided to work on my mile. I did this a few summers ago and got down to 7:13. I think I can go sub-7? That’s my summer goal! I ran a mile on the treadmill just to get a small run in before starting to tack on real volume, and it was 8:31. Sweaty and panting but not all-out effort. So I guess that’s my starting number. Time to cut 91+ seconds!

    1. PRockette +3

      I’ve been lifting moderately heavy things for the last few weeks and they’re getting moderately heavier every time!

      In September, I sprained my ankle very badly and was basically unable to do anything until recently. Finally, I found a good physiotherapist and we’ve been working hard the last few months. This week, I found out that I’m cleared for: 1) full contact roller derby 2) running! And I’m continuing to do my grueling physio because I never want to be out for 10 months again.

      At this point, everything I do ends up being my PR (I’m not comparing myself to pre-injury me, it’s pointless).

      1. GruntledDave +2

        IMO you are thinking about your post-injury PRs the right way! Staying positive is so hard, but crucial if you want to avoid the rabbit hole of “but I *was* lifting X!” Congratulations on your recovery!

    2. GruntledDave +1

      GYM THREAD!!

      I’m glad you started this thread today!

      I have a meet coming up for me and for 3 other members of the Houston Heights Ladies Lifting club. It will be the first meet for two of them and everyone is going to do very well. Er, except for me, as I’m still battling my way back from injury. Ugh. Also, I’m pretty far out from my weight class limit (231 lbs), and so my cut this week is going to be… horrid. But hey, that’s on me for eating like a jerk for too long. Onward!

    3. GruntledDave +2

      There’s a famous old-school bodybuilder named Tom Platz who said in an interview once that the chiming of the plates was what put him in his happy place (I’m paraphrasing a bit) when squatting. 🙂

  61. octopoda +22

    Dog thread! Arya gives some good side eye, especially when she hears other dogs barking:

  62. extrayarn +8

    Tour de France starts tomorrow! Anybody else excited or am I the last person in America still watching since Armstrong is over with?

    I will admit I don’t follow like I used to and have no idea who’s riding for what team, mostly I watch for the pretty castles and to have something to talk about with my dad. But still! Men with Thighs on bikes!

  63. inkwashed +2

    OK, my brilliant hive mind: here are some things that have been issues in my life lately.

    Note: I have a very good therapist, but sometimes you need a little bit of “hey lady, I got you on this & here’s how I coped.” My therapist is more of a “sit with this and let’s see where it leads us” type and less of a “here is a bulleted list of possible ways to change behavior” type, which is generally good but I’m feeling overwhelmed today.

    So. Defense mechanisms. Mr Inkwashed is a lovely, sensitive, compassionate person who is fiercely (fiercely!) incapable of dealing with hypocrisy/fluff. I am down with this; we’ve been together a long time, things are generally very good between us. Except: sometimes, particularly when issues of my family (gaslighty/passive-aggressive plausible-deniability pros, ultra no-bueno) come up. Then I vacillate widely from “DAMN THEM” to “well, maybe they’re not so bad” to “AHA I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE” to massive grief and tears and while it’s getting better, albeit slowly (thanks to the aforementioned therapist) – sometimes I get so defensive.

    Same thing when old friends make questionable decisions (buying a house in a city they hate? doing generally foolish things? acting in ways that demonstrate lack of deeper thinking?) and I think this is related to feeling on the outside so long that I kind of shut down and refuse to judge/refuse to be objective – even when it’s about things that are 0% consequential. Why does it matter where my college friend and her SO are living? Why can’t I say, “yep, talked to mom today and yep, still being nosy and not actually caring about us” without feeling like I’m not allowed to be judgmental? It makes our conversations really negative and leaves him feeling like I don’t trust him enough to see his (definitely broader) point of view and me wanting to shout that I do see it but just can’t let myself be objective. I feel so guilty – not about disagreeing; sometimes I genuinely disagree and sometimes I don’t – but about not being able to extract my conflicting emotional reactions from my objective thoughts and observations enough to not seem like either (a) someone who is completely delusional/has no independent thinking of her own, or (b) someone who is paralyzed by fear of being judged so much that she cannot judge anyone herself.

    This may not make sense. Does anyone have a glass of bourbon and some xanax?

    1. RoseCamelia +5

      Please, very good bourbon -or- Xanax. Not both. And not cheap bourbon. I have no bulleted lists for you. What I can offer is my strong belief that you are a good person and valuable just as you are. The only changes you need to make are changes that will remove your own unhappiness. Again, you are great as you are right now. I like you as-is. Wishing you better solutions to inner peace. You deserve it.

      1. inkwashed +3

        Ah, RoseCamelia, you are right. Very good bourbon – or perhaps a glass of wine. We’ll skip the xanax for now.

        In all seriousness: you are right; the only changes ever worth making are the ones that will remove unhappiness. I wrote a “letter to my child-self” today promising that it was safe to let go, and that I wouldn’t be alone, and it felt so good and yet so achingly sad. I will find my way. Thank you.

    2. SallyRides100Tampons +4

      I think part of coping with family that are Very Different From You is letting go of the hope that they will change and become who you need them to be. I’ve been dealing with that a LOT lately and it’s really freeing to be say to yourself, “Welp, so-and-so made yet another mean joke that everyone laughed and it made me feel like shit. That’s what so-and-so does.” I also say to myself, “It’s not about me, and it’s not mine to fix.” The judgemental feeling when it comes to family has a lot to do with feeling hurt, at least in my case.

      1. secondursula +7

        I feel like this is exactly where the “not my circus, not my monkeys” phrase comes in handy. source

        1. inkwashed +3

          SallyRides1000Tampons & secondursula:

          It takes time to get there, I think, and it is freeing to say “well, yep yep.” It’s harder not to take it so fucking personally. It’s also hard to stop judging myself long enough to hear valid criticism – or even just comments – and not start to crumple into an icy little ball. I’m working on it! “Not my circus, not my monkeys” is brilliant.

          <3 to you both.

          1. SallyRides100Tampons +2

            Oh yeah, it takes Work. My beloved is out of work and it’s so hard to be around our Boomer-aged crazy Republican family members who can see he is working his ass off to find new work but can’t stop talking about how we need to Bootstrap and how about we Start A Business and In My Day… it’s hard but it’s so much better to say “they’re a mess” and moving on. It also makes it easier to keep loving them.

    3. autumnlorayne +7

      I would just like to say that how you feel is ok, no matter what. Your emotions are not under your direct control, and you are allowed to feel however you feel. If you are feeling irrational, that’s ok! That doesn’t make you a fundamentally irrational person. That doesn’t mean you will act on those feelings, necessarily. If you just need to emote, maybe you can preface things with, “I just need to talk. I don’t need you to fix this, and I know I will calm down, but right now I just need to express how I’m feeling.” I think we all need to have safe people who we can be completely honest with, without fear that they are going to judge, censor, admonish, or shame us.

  64. beachlass +18

    I dropped a rollerball of perfume in the bathroom sink this morning, and am now literally a Flower Bomb.

  65. Jessica +7

    Okay, in the last Economist they did an obituary for Tama the stationmaster goddess cat and claimed along the way that tortoiseshell cats are the same thing as a calico cat – that the names are just a UK/America thing. This is certainly not true, right? I mean a calico cat can have tortoiseseshelly bits where two colours are all rippley in that tortoiseshell way, but you need patches of three colours to be a calico and only need two colours rippling into each other to be a tortoiseshell. Right?
    http://www.economist.com/news/obituary/21656623-t…

    2. elsajeni +2

      Hmm. I would have said that a tortie was a subtype of calico — the torties I know do generally have a small patch of white/cream on them somewhere, they’re just mostly that mixed-black-and-orange color. (And Tama wasn’t one anyway — she had discrete patches.)

    3. systemed7 +4

      The Economist is not quite right, but they’re on the right track.
      What we call “calico” here in the US and Canada (white background with splotches of two other colors, often orange and black), is often called “tortoiseshell and white” in the UK.
      And what we call “tortoiseshell” or “tortie” here in the US and Canada (two colors, usually black and orange, often in a stippled pattern), is also called “tortoiseshell” in the UK.

      But both calico and tortoiseshell coloration are linked to the X chromosome.

      1. SuiteFranglaise +1

        Thank you, this is what I needed to know, although I do wish I could find out why there is a geographic split and why UK English has dropped the ball here. Because this is a total ball-drop.

  66. Jessica

    Okay, in the last Economist they did an obituary for Tama the stationmaster goddess cat and claimed along the way that tortoiseshell cats are the same thing as a calico cat – that the names are just a UK/America thing. This is certainly not true, right? I mean a calico cat can have tortoiseseshelly bits where two colours are all rippley in that tortoiseshell way, but you need patches of three colours to be a calico and only need two colours rippling into each other to be a tortoiseshell. Right?

  67. Bunburying +6

    Toast friends. I need ROMANCE NOVEL recommendations.

    For years I despaired of finding any erotic novels that weren’t full of garbage and rape, or written like they belong in a middle schooler’s diary. But that was before THE TOAST. If anyone knows where to find what I’m looking for, it’s you!

    Here are my guidelines.

    No:

    –NO RAPE. none. no “dubcon” plz.
    –no ALPHA BILLIONAIRES, zzzz
    –I am not personally into the “older man” thing
    –no eroticized racism

    Yes:

    –a protagonist who has a brain in her head
    –writing that meets or exceeds “genre fiction” standards. well-written for what they are, basically. it ain’t gotta be Nightwood, but no E. L. James either!
    –I would prefer contemporary to historical but stellar historical novels will be duly accepted
    –I am a straight lady but I will read m/m stories too

    I have no particular fetishes to satisfy here, I just want to read about some sexy sex! I am basically brand new to this world so I’m sure I haven’t read whatever you have to recommend. I trust you to guide me, Toasters!

    1. Xolandra +2

      I recently read Black Silk, which is a collection of short erotica for a book club that I am in. I don’t remember any terrible rape-y stories (it is published with a female audience in mind), so my apologies if there are any. O, and if you like graphic novels, seek out the Smut Peddlar collections, they are EXCELLENT and filled with variety. FILLED WITH IT. Long erotic fiction tends to be difficult, in my experience, because how do you keep that pace up?

      Don’t read Anais Nin’s erotica. She has at least rape and eroticized racism, and possibly also alpha stuff too? And pedophilia. The times. They have changed.

      1. Bunburying +1

        Ahh, thanks for the warning, I have actually had Anais Nin recommended to me! Also I DO love graphic novels and the Smut Peddler collection looks perfect!

        1. Xolandra +2

          Anais Nin ruined me for all other erotica because it is so beautifully written. And i read it so young, that a LOT of those things didn’t come up until I was re-reading it for book club and one woman was like “I could not get past story one because triggering”. I then re-read Delta of Venus with trigger eyes on, and o my sweet baby jesus, SO MANY PROBLEMS. I wanna plug Black Silk again, because there is one story in which two women of colour have a conversation about the fact that they would like to have their skin tones described without using food words, at which point I thought “hunh, yeah, that IS weird”.

          Also, can I just say, _excellent_ thread? I will be returning here and taking notes.

          And if you want to stalk my book club, which regularly reads erotica (and other queer/feminist non/fiction) it is “The Naughty Bits Book Club” on Facebook. It is thru a store (Venus Envy), and so public 😀

      1. laurenipsum +4

        She has written a few! They are fun. I also liked one called “Trade Me” by Courtney Milan. (The roommate is a trans woman and will be the featured character in the next novel!)

        And, people always recommend Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey, which I haven’t read. And of course Outlander, which I also haven’t read.

        1. Xolandra +3

          A friend loaned me Kushiel’s Dart. I found it boring? Too much political intrigue, not enough sexxxy timez.

        3. Helen_Damnation +1

          Outlander does have rapey bits in it. They are generally not the same as the sexy bits, but they are there. That is, the Diana Gabaldon books, yes? If it’s something else with the same name, ignore me.

    3. theyoungcynic +2

      The first three authors that come to my mind are Victoria Dahl, Cara McKenna and Alisha Rai and I’ve muchly enjoyed everything I’ve read by them.

      As for historicals, the books of Courtney Milan, Tessa Dare, and Sherry Thomas are AMAZING and have been described to me as “basically feminist fairy tales”, but are lower on the sexiness scale.

      1. MilesofMountain +2

        Warning with the Courtney Milan stuff, there’s some rape in the backstories of some of them, and child abuse/other trauma in a bunch of the others. Not “forced seduction”, when Courtney has rape it’s portrayed sensitively and as a horrible thing, but it’s still there and potentially triggering. Off the top of my head (spoilers, I guess?), the heroines of The Governess Affair, A Kiss For Midwinter, The Countess Conspiracy, and Unclaimed are rape victims. She’s definitely my favourite romance author, though, so if “no rape” just means not wanting the horrible rape-y alpha male vibe, Courtney is an excellent choice.

    4. anotherkate_sf +2

      For m/m there is Eleanor Kos on amazon, only a few short stories so far, but if you look up her fanfic pen name emungere there is lots of good stuff (provided you don’t mind fanfic). Seconding Courtney Milan. And check out Jude Morgan (NOT Jude Devereaux) and also the Elizabeth Aston books (that tell the stories of the daughters of Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy) are also good, although I can’t remember how much sex they have, if any.

    5. Beakses +6

      It’s also worth checking out the Smart Bitches, Trashy Books blog for recommendations (and sales!)- they have reviews and round-ups and a podcast (and pretty hilarious rants). It’s pretty much where I go to find my romance recommendations.

      My contemporary preferences run toward romantic and soothing rather than super sexy, but I like Susan Mallery’s Fool’s Gold series (but NOT her other series, which are just not at all the same for me).

      I read a lot of paranormal- Shelly Laurenston is my favorite- she writes books that are pretty silly, but where the women kick butt and the men let them, and everybody is into each other in an enthusiastic consent kind of way. The graphic violence level is a lot higher than average for romance, but it’s also comically overblown- almost Wile E Coyote/ Roadrunner style.

      And I second/ third/ fourth/ whatever Courtney Milan, she’s great.

    6. mileromie +3

      I love Jennifer Crusie’s books a ton. Definitely more romance novel than erotic novel (as in sex definitely happens quite a bit, but is not the primary focus I think), very funny characters, and I think meets all your criteria!

      1. bookwormV +2

        Yes, I was going to mention Crusie. Bet Me and Faking It are both excellent.

  68. bighairnoheart +4

    In other news, I am feeling such a Strange &Norrell gap in my life now that the show has been seen in its entirety. I’m rereading the book. Again.

    Never in my life have I wanted a sequel so badly. Clarke’s is a fictional world I would gladly live in. (And I wouldn’t even need lasik. I mean, magic can fix bad eyesight, right?)

    1. literarysara +1

      Can we talk about this? (have you talked about it elsewhere in the thread?) Because I really, really enjoyed the series, and I didn’t dislike the finale, but there were several choices that I wish had been handled differently.
      Namely, Stephen. Oh, Stephen! Locked in a cell! Given no narrative closure after helpfully murdering the Gentleman! What even happened to him in there? Does he get to be king of Lost Hope or is it a pile of rubble?

      1. bighairnoheart +1

        I have not talked about it anywhere for a while. Too many Feelings. (Mostly involving the lack of a sequel and why aren’t there more books like that and I was not expecting to have any sort of sympathy for Strange &/or Norrell.)

        But yes. I need to rewatch from the beginning and see if the fairy idea of succession being just a matter of killing previous king was explained or not. Either way. Showing Lost Hope all renewed and explaining that Stephen is the new king would have been a nice way to end it on a more hopeful note. But I can understand why they might nix it due to budget.

        Still would have liked to see it though.

        1. literarysara +1

          Well, the Gentleman is pretty sure that Stephen can be king of England if he just kills the existing king, so it’s consistent enough. Just… I’m okay with the fact that Strange & Norrell don’t get a happy ending, and that Lady Pole is never quite the same, but I sure wanted a happier ending for Stephen.

          I for sure need to rewatch. I viewed most of the series with a friend, and we happily squealed and debriefed after each episode. But I saw the finale with a group of other people, and although my friend and I had our debrief on the walk home, there were a lot of raised eyebrows and pleading eyes during the viewing and I can’t remember why since I didn’t verbalize it at the time.

          1. bighairnoheart +2

            Yeah. I kept hoping they’d actually show him as the new king. Ah well. I am still happy overall.

            If I’d told me ten years ago (dear lord, it’s been a decade already) that the book would have a show, let alone a good one, I’d have thought I was nuts.

      2. AmyEntropy +1

        WHAT??? I’ve been eagerly looking forward to watching this – I still don’t know when it will air here – but am so disappointed to learn they changed Stephen Black’s ending! Why would they do such a thing???

      3. Helen_Damnation +1

        THIS. This comment right here.

        Also really relieved they didn’t have Lady Pole forgive her husband for the shit he put her through. It looked a lot like they were going to. All in all the show finale was much gentler on its white men than the book, and rather crueler to Stephen.

    2. Es_Petal +2

      I need to read the book again as well. And I think I need to watch the finale again too – I watched all the rest of it a second time with the gentleman caller (he asked me what I was watching when I went to visit him and I said ‘this thing about Georgian yorkshire wizards’ and then we spent the next 5 hours in front of iplayer) and so much more went into my head than the first time!

      1. bighairnoheart +2

        I’m already up to the Lady Pole bit in the book and it’s really driving home one of my favorite things about the series. It was so tight. Like, there wasn’t an ounce of fat on it. Everything and everyone was necessary and useful in some way as the plot made its way to the endgame.

        I may start rewatching as I reread. I’m not willing to give it up yet.

  69. roisindubh211 +6

    I’ve been semi-binge-watching Grace and Frankie, and it is a thing of joy and beauty and makes me really want an “If Lily Tomlin were your Girlfriend” to read (Or Jane Fonda, that would be AWESOME).

    Martin Sheen and Sam Waterston as a gay couple brings me joy and breaks my heart every time they are on screen.

    Anyone else watching this?

    1. autumnlorayne +1

      I watched this! Over the course of about two days, I think. I really liked it. I couldn’t help myself.

      1. roisindubh211 +1

        I’ve been portioning it out carefully, and tonight I’ve gotten through about four episodes already since work.

  70. rolotomassi5 +3

    Podcast thread!!

    The Mark Twain Dead Authors Podcast was amazing.

    New ep out today of With Special Guest Lauren Lapkus is one of the best. Ho-Ho (blech!) the naughty elf + Santa Claus = two comedy greats having a blast and laughing their heads off in the process.

    What have you listened to lately?

  71. Unreadaethel +3

    So, I received my scooter and got it out of its metal cage. I also received a title, which has the correct VIN, but lists the engine as being 150cc, which it is not. I specifically got a 50cc so that I didn’t have to get a motorcycle license. Since VA has changed its moped laws in the last few years, I’m legally required to register it, which I’m pretty sure I can’t do with a title that claims I need a motorcycle license.

    There were also two hoses hanging down when I got it. I got the fuel line hooked up to the carburetor (thanks to a friend who helped me decipher the engine schematics) without either taking the scooter apart or fucking up my rainbow manicure, which is awesome. The other hose, though, is I think something to do with air, and I also think I’m going to have to take everything apart so I can hook it up to the fuel tank. It ran just well enough for me to take each of the neighbor kids for a small and careful ride, but it can’t handle inclines. Because of the…vacuum tube, maybe. Or something.

    And they didn’t send me the helmet I ordered, either. I’ve ordered one off Amazon, because it’s good to have a backup in any case, but I want my goddamn wood grain helmet. I’ve now sent multiple emails to customer service, as well as leaving a voicemail, and nobody’s gotten back to me. So I have a lovely blue scooter sitting useless in my driveway, and now I have to take it apart to try and make it work.

    RARRRRRRRRRRRR

    1. Bunburying +2

      Yuck, that all sounds very irritating. But a little blue scooter sounds awesome enough to persevere for. Be sure to post a photo when you get it sorted out!

      1. Unreadaethel +1


        This is it, only it doesn’t say “Roketa” on the side of the seat, and it has a luggage rack on the back, to which I will eventually attach the trunk.

        I’ve decided to hold off on taking the scooter apart, to see if I can get the company (if they ever return my goddamn messages) to pay for an actual mechanic to do that, because they should in fact pay for an actual mechanic to do that. I can’t legally drive it w/o the correct title anyway, so I might as well wait.

  72. renjender +7

    Boston Toast Folk:
    If you are in town on Sunday, the Women’s World Cup final will be on a big screen at Government Center–absolutely free. I saw the match versus Columbia and it was wonderful: little girls were playing soccer during the breaks and everyone (even straight guys!) cheered for (out queer) stars Abby Wambach and Megan Rapinoe. https://www.facebook.com/events/1610945455861173/

  73. lyricalikons +2

    Passage by Connie Willis. It’s about scientists researching near-death experiences, so there’s lots of hospitals and dying, with a side helping of Alzheimers, children with life-threatening illness, and sweetly unrequited love. Pretty much All The Crying.

  74. anotherkate_sf +4

    Is there a FB group for San Francisco Toasties (Toasters? Toastans?) like there is for the SF Hairpinners? I feel like there should be more meetups happening, but then I realized I’m probably just out of the loop.

    1. socktantrum +1

      I’m about to move to this area so I am commenting to keep in the know (though I’ll be in Sunnyvale… will travel to make friends).

  75. deyne +1

    Ughhhh craigslist bike shopping is the worst. I’ve been searching high and low for a specific model and I’ve *almost* bought greyhound tickets to go buy jt 5 times now, and the person texts me back like “sorry, someone offered me $50 more, hope you didn’t reserve a hotel!” I’m so tired of this game!

  76. somesolanaceae +5

    Toasties! I am late to this thread, but I need all the help I can get:
    It is over 100 degrees Fahrenheit/38 C where I live, and air conditioning is basically illegal in this country. I am planning to eat my weight in watermelon today, but I’m not sure that will be enough. What are your hot weather survival strategies?

    1. Jessica +2

      Do lots of things in the morning, nothing in the afternoon.

      Blinds drawn. Wake up at five to throw the windows open for all the cool air, close them at eight, leaving them open just a crack for air to circulate.

      Spray yourself with water in front of a fan

      Constant half fruit juice half carbonated water spritzers

      Are you in Germany too?

      1. AmyEntropy +2

        I do the blinds thing and it works very well for me, although it would depend on climate. I leave the windows open and blinds up at night (except in my bedroom) because there’s a big light right outside) and close them during the day.

    2. ArguablyMagalis +2

      Cold wash cloths are your best friend! Put some in the fridge and switch them out, put them on the back of your neck. I also highly recommend any type of electric fan or way of getting the air moving, it will make a big difference. If you have an electric fan, you can also put a bowl of ice cubes in front of it and it will act somewhat as a substitute for an AC. Also wear loose and light clothes, and try to stay as hydrated as you can, being hot isn’t fun but being hot and dehydrated is even worse!

    3. Celean +3

      I´m in a similar situation. These are the things that might help:
      – Splash your wrists with cold water/hold your wrists under cold running water.
      – Fill a bucket with cold water and put your feet in it. (Maybe this is obvious, but to be safe: The water should be cold enough to be refreshing but not so cold that it´s uncomfortable to stay in that position for some time.)
      – If you have someone in your life who wouldn´t consider this too weird: Put on a bikini top. Have a friend/lover/whatever slide ice cubes down your back and neck until they melt. Take turns. (I swear that this is not a misplaced sex tip.) Don´t hold the ice cubes in your bare hands, use a piece of cloth or tissue instead to avoid numb or hurting fingertips.
      – If you have the opportunity to go swimming, do it!
      – If it´s safe to do so, open all your windows at night. Beware of bugs.
      – Go to sleep. Do not get up until it´s colder. Winter is coming!

      Sorry for any grammatical errors. English is obviously not my native tongue and the sun has fried my brain. 😉

      Have a nice summer!

  77. fuzzox +2

    When I say “I’m painting” my family and friends hear “la la lala I’m so bored please distract me.” I think I need to bolt lock my door, turn off my phone and completely invert my sleep schedule.

  78. eegghh +5

    I don’t know if anyone is reading today, but last night my boyfriend was like, “we need to talk”. And I just about died.

    He was really upset. We’re long distance and we’ve been talking about picking which city we live in the fall, and he essentially said that he was really sorry but he just couldn’t pick my city, he’s been thinking about it a lot and just can’t do it. And that the long distance thing was terrible and making him feel terrible. And I was like, “so are you saying you are just done or that you want me to move to you?” And he said he wanted me to move but he was scared that if it didn’t work out I’d blame him. There was a lot more talking than that, overall, but:

    I’m moving to his city in 3 months.

    I feel…all kinds of feelings right now. Terrified. Happy. Overwhelmed with the details. I need to uproot things and decide what to do with all this stuff, and figure out what kind of moving service we need. Also I don’t want to just tell EVERYONE right now, because once this kind of thing is out there, people go crazy and have so many opinions and I know a big one is that they know I was hoping we’d pick my city, and I’m really ok that we’re not but it’s hard to explain why I can do it and he can’t and how that’s ok and fair with me all of a sudden, but. It just is. I really did feel like it was 50/50 for each place.

    But on the other hand, I need to process with people. I’m like 80% sure I’m doing the right thing. It’s the risky thing, so that’s the 20%, but also it’s kind of the only choice, it feels like the only choice. I love him. He loves me. I want to be together and that’s been clear writing on the wall from day one- that if we can’t figure out how to be together by this fall then it’s not going to happen.

    I want to change my life. I’ve been sort of half heartedly attempting to leave my job for a while but I haven’t had the push. Being unemployed in a new city is a good push.

    And now I have to figure out what to do today. On the 4th of July when I haven’t got plans.

    1. freshfish +1

      I was in a similar situation recently and decided to leave my city too, although in my case that meant also leaving the guy. I realized that I was hooked on and sedated by comfort and stability. Don’t abstain from doing something exciting based on a sliver of uncertainty. Uncertainty is excitement. Doing things that make you nervous is what keeps you alive! You will meet new people and try new things. And not to mention be with your boyfriend. I think that despite their opinions and skepticism everyone else will sense that you’re excited and happy and realize this is what you need to do.

    2. allanaaa +1

      Good luck! This sounds so exciting. You didn’t mention distance or family or emergencies or anything, so it could definitely be a lot worse, I think? The job situation is great – I hope you can tap into a network and get something awesome and fresh lined up ASAP.

  79. gentlehangovers +2

    Happy 4th to my fellow Americans, and happy weekend to everyone else! I am celebrating by re-reading my favorite Toast comments section of all time, “Books We Hate.” Which was posted exactly one year ago.

  80. azumi +4

    Dear Toasties:

    I was at a nice fourth of july party with my boyfriend, and I love him, I do, but I was listening to him natter on about academic thought and then to three other male graduate students talk about affect theory- which ALL of them admitted that they had not read and did not understand, but would try to ‘explain’ anyways while all of their significant others were interesting women with interesting jobs and CAREERS sat quietly.
    I know that being a graduate student is a job, don’t get me wrong, it is a job and I was a graduate student once but my god it is not that interesting and also all of these male academic/grad students are all loudly and very shouty -feminists-.
    Ugh. Anyone have any experience with this sort of thing?

    1. laurenipsum +3

      Oh man. I suggest you bring this back next Friday, early in the day, if you can, or on an “I know it’s not the open thread, but …” thread on any day’s link roundup. Because I am sure that folks will have stuff to add, but I don’t. 🙁

  81. AmyEntropy +2

    The oxi (No) side of the Greek referendum is leading at 60% of the vote. I don’t understand what’s going on there, having no head for economics, but I’m fascinated. The public has only had a week to prepare for this referendum, nobody is sure what it means, and yet either way it’s going to permanently alter their future.

  83. floraaldridge

    MODEL MUSEUM! Yes, I am so up for this. Thank you! Loving that website too. "When it's raining the Bay Model is a sprawling place to visit that's both dry and fascinating for kids. It's not a place where kids get a chance to run, but they'll do a lot of walking". Dry AND fascinating?! I'm in…

  84. Smediterranea

    My boyfriend LOVED Samurai Sushi (and so did I, but he was especially impressed by the magic of The Toast). Thanks for the suggestion! It was definitely my favorite meal we ate 🙂