Transcendently Sublime Lines From Joe Manganiello’s Book About Fitness

by Mallory Ortberg · July 16, 2015

The Book arrived today. It is, as you might imagine, chockablock with moments of the sublime.

“I remember being in high school, sitting on the couch with my girlfriend watching MTV, and the video for “Under The Bridge” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers came on. The video ends with a shirtless Anthony Kiedis running in slow motion, long hair swinging, pecs bouncing, and the room got silent – loud silent. I looked over at my girlfriend and realized that she was practically drooling over this guy. Here I was, a fifteen-year-old with short, preppy hair and a sunken chest that wouldn’t grow. I felt the anger come over me. I hated this guy, and for years I couldn’t stand the Chilis. Anytime anyone brought them up, I got angry. What was causing my jealousy? Simple: my unmet potential.

As an adult, I can look back and laugh. I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers.”

IMG_0892

Here is a list of people. Just a list. In case you had forgotten. Thirteen of the most famous people in the world. What have they overcome? Setbacks and failures. How did they do it? Walt Disney. Thomas edison. the Beatles. That’s how. Memorize the list.

“After the internal work, I then turned to developing the physical. Alcide is a man who shares DNA with wolves, so I watched and read everything I could get my hands on pertaining to wolves. I even found a way to spend time with and observe real wolves. On top of that, I got a tan, because my character is used to working and being outside.”

joe1

i don’t know what exercise this is but i will perform it every day for the rest of my life

“While you might not be training to become a werewolf, the point I’m making has to do with approach.”

“I’ve stolen fire from the gods and I’m giving it to you. What you do with it is up to you.”

prometheus

I drew you a Prometheus joke, because he stole fire from the gods, so you can see on  his left leg there is the eagle that eats his liver out, and also I have drawn for you an approximation of his liver, which I think is greenish. 

“Whenever I was hungry, I’d pull out the bag and eat some chicken.”

When you are hungry, eat chicken from your bag. Who among us is so proud he cannot follow this advice?

IMG_0895

clap sadly for fitness

“I always bring a few pieces of equipment to insure that my muscles stay full of blood.”

“‘But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change. Say it is thus with what you show me!’ – Ebenezer Scrooge to the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, 1843…like a ghost of fitness yet to come.”

“As for the haters, they’ll be there to let you know that you’re doing something right. Forget them. They’ll either join the movement and change or go down with their own sinking ship, the SS Self-Loathing.”

mmmflfjdkf

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92 Comments

  1. ppyajunebug +138

    “Whenever I was hungry, I’d pull out the bag and eat some chicken.”

    I’d like to stage a debate between Joe and the Rock over the relative merits of chicken v. cod for fitness purposes.

    1. Fare +100

      Having a bag of meat around at all times is the kind of advice I like to hear. My favorite thing about after Christmas is that my mom cuts up all of the leftover ham and puts it in a big huge plastic bag, and then we have a ham sack in the fridge that I can go to whenever I want.

      Ham sack? Chicken sack? Cod sack? Do what feels right.

  4. catweazlol +93

    I am so curious about the chicken bag thing. Does he carry a bag of chicken around with him at all times? What kind of chicken? Breast? Thigh? Wing? A mix? Is it fried? Sauteed? Cooked in a crockpot with cream of mushroom soup? If the last, does he have a separate bag of wet wipes on hand? If he sees a homeless person does he offer him a dip into the chicken bag? Does he still eat the chicken after it gets cold or does he have a chicken provider to replenish it as needed? How many chickens does he eat in a day and does he do it the same way Gaston eats eggs? Is the chicken bag the reason he’s roughly the size of a barge?

      4. Unreadaethel +26

        I think even confirmed oyster pirates might let him have a dip in their chicken bag.

  5. halloweenjack64 +26

    Look, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to inspire people to do better and to be better, I think we can all agree on that. And Mangianello obviously does have a very impressive physique. But WRT his writing… maybe it’s the longish dark hair or the Italian last name, but I’m reminded of Dennis Madalone. He’s a stuntman and stunt coordinator with a ton of credits (most of the Star Trek series and Pulp Fiction), and well-respected by his colleagues and co-workers.

    And then he did this.

      1. halloweenjack64 +7

        There’s an interview with him floating around somewhere and he is apparently 100% balls-to-the-wall sincere about it.

    2. StillT +13

      OH MY GOD

      I know it’s pointless to single out any one moment, but the dramatic reveal of that baby at 1:45 is just… wow.

    5. janekathy1 +3

      Jaw dropped. Still has not closed. Delighted forever.

      Even to the pronunciation… “a-MER-RUH-ca”… Just. Oh, universe. Amazing.

      I mean. WORDS DONE. CANNOT.

      2. janekathy1 +3

        And rubbing the little black boy on the head as he walks by and looks down with this affectionate, paternalistic *look*… I was like, yes, perfect! This video is just perfect.

        I had a black boyfriend who was a kid in Mississippi in the 50s. One day I playfully rubbed his big ol’ wonderful bald head, and found out that was seriously triggering. Because white adults had done that to him growing up. (Also, I’m white.)

  6. littlehuntingcreek +83

    “Simple: my unmet potential.”

    Joe is the most self-aware human on the planet

  9. GreenGrasses +42

    That crouching-in-a-warehouse pic is making me think that Duncan McLeod is about to show up and cut off his head with a sword.

  10. thebellewitch +115

    Legit spent too much time Googling to figure out what setbacks Harrison Ford has overcome. Wikipedia suggests: Once offending producer Jerry Tokovsky; not having a middle name; mistakenly not starring in Syriana; a 6-week recovery from a back injury; an ankle injury while filming the new Star Wars; and, of course, crashing his plane, though Joe Manganiello’s book predates the latter two incidents.

    He’s had a spider and an ant named after him, though, so I think it all evens out.

    1. halloweenjack64 +14

      Well, it did take a while for his acting career to take off, although some of his day jobs were kind of awesome (building a sun deck for Sally Kellerman, being a roadie for The Doors). George Lucas originally hired him to read lines during auditions of other actors, and a bunch of other people (including Kurt Russell, who still seemed closer to the kid in those Disney movies than Snake Plissken or Jack Burton, and famously Christopher Walken) read for Han Solo before Lucas figured out that he already had the right guy for the part.

      1. thebellewitch +31

        Yeah, I mean, I guess “Did Not Achieve Instant Success” coooould be a setback. I certainly do not mean to impugn the stick-with-itness of a young Harrison Ford, who I can thank for my prepubescent sexual awakening. It’s just an odd choice next to even Oprah Winfrey, who had a childhood from hell, you know?

  11. threatqualitypress +40

    Does the book come with a werewolf-based exercise section, or is it only awkward bromides?

    Would definitely consider buying a werewolf exercise book.

  12. beachlass +11

    My experience with Mr Lass is that smiling, nodding and graciously accepting the protein* on offer is the best course of action when engaged In Fitness Talk.

    *usually shakes or chicken. Sometimes I throw fish in for some variety and as homage to the Rock.

  13. LacaunaKale +72

    “On top of that, I got a tan, because my character is used to working and being outside.”
    And so the Method method reached a new zenith. A suspiciously well waxed mountaintop of pecs and drama.

  14. ladyimogen +30

    AHHHHHHH no JOE it is ENSURE and you are not meeting your potential with that line. (also I just looked that up to ensure that I was right (because such is the power of Mr. Manganiello’s confidence) and apparently some prominent New York publications use the two words interchangeably but they are absolutely wrong wrong wrong).

    1. GreenGrasses +30

      I also thought that while reading! Then I thought to myself, “self, you have to trust that Joe knows what he is doing.”

  15. threatqualitypress +38

    Also, can we get clarification on the “fire” that Joe Mangianello stole from the gods? Is it just “overcome obstacles”?

    1. thebeagee +57

      Pecs. The fire is pecs. Or maybe bags of chicken? Something something werewolves.

      1. threatqualitypress +16

        I think the fire has to be what you use to get the pecs, right? In this analogy, the pecs are the civilization built from what was stolen from the gods.

        1. thebeagee +19

          Okay, okay. Pecs = civilization, bags of chicken = fire. But what is the eagle gnawing on his liver?

          3. threatqualitypress +116

            Held back by the twin chains of Self-Loathing and Unmet Potential, Joemetheus roared with agony while two eagles named Haters and Jealousy pecked out his liver, until he was finally able to break free, stealing the secrets of the Gods’ bag of chicken and bringing it to the people, that they could all share in the power of magnificent pecs.

          5. HyacinthGirl +15

            Who among us will email this to Joe’s people? He must see how we have embraced his message.

      2. caatness +8

        I feel pretty strongly that “something something werewolves” is basically the answer to everything.

  16. mabissam +88

    Somewhere, Anthony Kiedis is stroking his long hair and nodding in approval, reading this book on his SS Chili Pepper. “Well, welcome aboard, Joey.”

  17. worseforless +75

    As someone who spends a stupid amount of time among aerial dancers, Bag of Chicken is a thing. It is exactly that – a bag of cold cut-up, cooked, boneless, skinless chicken breast you pull out of your little cooler bag (so you can also keep your Muscle Milks cold! And most “serious” tiny gyms have a cooler for your Chicken and Muscle Milk Cooler Bag because they know). Getting fit makes you totally insane, btw.

    2. TLO +40

      “cold cut-up, cooked, boneless, skinless chicken breast”

      Unsurprising but still disappointing. This kind of makes me want to store a bag full of buffalo wings at the gym instead.

    3. faith_based_pun +11

      I’m a vegetarian and training as a circus artist and I eat packages of cold baked tofu. Are you a fellow circus toastie?

      1. worseforless +25

        ::drops dramatically out of a silk upside down to give a high-five:: yes, hi!

    4. Erica_Stratton +8

      Why no spices??? Why no anything? Do you just… not taste it anymore? Do you lose all ability to differentiate between foods? 😛

      1. worseforless +6

        Nah, you flavor them. The idea that I’ve seen other gym rats do and I think what Big Dick Ritchie here is talking about is cooking up a ton of boneless, skinless chicken breasts with whatever spices etc. you want and then a bunch of vegetables at the beginning of the week, put them all in freezer bags and then eat whenever you want but only until your satisfied. You’re at the gym doing crazy stuff for an hour, you take a pull from your chicken bag instead of a bar or a shake with a shit ton of sugar in it, you’re ready to get back to it. I’ve done this when I had to get in super shape for a show or whatever. It’s boring as hell and definitely not for everybody (and definitely not for me longer than a few weeks).

    5. OtherRoooToo +3

      Okay … you seem to know an awful lot about this.

      (And hands off my Muscle Milk. Do we have to label them with our names, now, the way we did in k-garten? ‘Cause I will do it.)

  18. nohaybanda +56

    “As an adult, I can look back and laugh. I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers.”
    Oh, the italics…

  19. sausagedog +96

    Joe, I am very worried for you if you need equipment to make sure there’s blood in your muscles. I mean, I am a person who has overcome setbacks and failures, so maybe I’m just great at blood distribution and need to be more sensitive.

  20. britomartian +38

    I hated this guy, and for years I couldn’t stand the Chilis. Anytime anyone brought them up, I got angry. What was causing my jealousy? Simple: my unmet potential.

    As an adult, I can look back and laugh. I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

    Would this be an inappropriate time to use YAS QUEEN, because I want to yas queen the hell out of Joe Manganiello right now.

  21. Frumiosa +90

    My friend saw him as Stanley in “A Streetcar Named Desire” at Yale Repertory Theatre last year and said she had never been so turned on in the presence of such bad acting.

    1. vmartinipie +23

      that was also my response to his character in Magic Mike but strangely Alcide did nothing for me at all. Joe is a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in pecs.

  23. plspassthePinot +58

    GUYS. Guys. guys. —->>>>> “In 2011, Joe Manganiello was voted “Favorite Pop-Culture Werewolf of All Time” by the readers of Entertainment Weekly”

    1. msjinxie +28

      I love that there are enough Pop Culture Werewolves for this to be a category.

      1. OtherRoooToo +3

        I know, right? I was just going to say “Tell them the tears are ‘just allergies’.”

    1. OtherRoooToo +3

      Right? The captions are the best part. “I don’t know what this exercise is … ” even beats out the chicken sack, imo.

  27. HyacinthGirl +41

    Jesus fucking Christ, I am the captain of the SS Self-Loathing. HOW DID HE KNOW.

  28. Rory Calhoun +7

    I put off reading this for several hours cause I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I was more right than I could have imagined.

  29. notagem +10

    I’m going to need that first picture in a life-size print to hang on my living room wall as a test for potential suitors. And also for my own enjoyment, obviously.

  30. Ham Sack +31

    So many thing have happened in this post. It has changed me. I am no longer the woman I once was. I am now Ham Sack. I like to believe that if Bag of Chicken is Joe’s pecs, then I am become his glorious glutes. Made of Ham.