If Gwyneth Paltrow Were Your Girlfriend

by Mikaella Clements · July 8, 2015

sliding_doors_15746_medium-1Previously in this series: If Prince Harry Were Your Boyfriend

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, doors would open for you a little quicker, you’d always have enough room on public transport, and black cats would jump out of your way. Dogs would howl when they saw you, but you never really liked dogs that much anyway.

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, you’d ask her, giggly and a little embarrassed, what it was like to work with Robert Downey, Jr. She would stare at you, half-smiling, like it was a joke she didn’t get. “Who?” she’d say. You’d clarify. She’d shake her head. “I don’t think I know a Robert,” she’d say, confused.

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, she’d bring you expensive heels that made you look amazing. “These must have cost so much!” you’d say, but she would wave her hand dismissively. They would be a smooth, creamy white, and a texture you found familiar but couldn’t put a name to. “I love them,” you’d say, “what are they made out of?” and Gwyneth Paltrow would shake her head and tell you how beautiful you looked.

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, you would eat so well. She would bring you chia seeds soaked in water and under her firm, unwavering gaze you would eat them and like them. You would have smoothies made from kale and basil and cucumber and raw almonds and charcoal; somehow they would be a deep, warm crimson, but they would always taste delicious.

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, she wouldn’t mind when you slipped up and ate some gluten. “It’s okay, honey!” she’d say. “Even I want a doughnut, sometimes.” She would kiss your cheek and leave you to it. Later, you would walk in on her calmly sweeping up shattered glass in the kitchen. “You’ve cut your hand!” you’d say, worried, and she’d smile brightly and tell you she was just about to make you the best salad you’d ever had.

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, she’d wrap her arms around you and press her face against your neck, kissing your skin, when you were staring downcast at the mirror and having a bad skin day. “I think you look beautiful,” she’d say, and you’d smile mournfully and tell her that that was all very well but it was hard, sometimes, dating someone as beautiful as her. Gwyneth would look mildly surprised, and gesture at her face. “What, this? I can get you one of these, if you really want.”

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, she would never mind when you – or your mum, or your dad – spelled her name wrong, she’d just laugh and gently correct you. You’d love her name, the way it sounded when you said it in bed, or when you came home and called for her, or when she left you voicemails that started, “Hi, sweetheart, it’s Gwyneth.” You would only very rarely get caught staring at it and watching the letters twitch and twist like a snake.

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, she would talk to Chris Martin on the phone about their kids every day, but you wouldn’t mind. You wouldn’t mind about anything.

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, she wouldn’t expect you to hang out with Chris Martin when she had to see him. “It’s okay that I don’t want to meet him, right?” you’d say. “I’m sure Chris is a perfectly nice guy.” She would stare at you with that polite, vaguely concerned smile. “Who’s that, again?”

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, she would bring you fresh jars of honey from the beehives out the back of your shared house every morning for your chia seed puddings. She would smooth the honey on your face, teaching you to use it as a cleanser. She would use it for any physical ailment. She would get you to eat a spoonful of it every day in winter to ward off colds. Your skin would be clearer, your scars would disappear, you wouldn’t have even a hint of a sniffle. You would never go out and visit the hives yourself, and there would be no beekeeping equipment in the house, and you would never once see a single bee.

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, she would laugh at all your gleeful misandrist jokes. “Men are ridiculous,” you’d say, and she would say, “Who, again?”

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, you would go out for brunch with her and Beyonce and Cameron Diaz, and Beyonce and Cameron would nod approvingly at you. “You’re good for her,” Cameron would say. “You tame her,” Beyonce would say, and you’d laugh and rest your hand on Gwyneth’s shoulder, and Gwyneth would smile, and outside a hundred ravens would take off in a cloud of black.

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, she’d take you on the red carpet with her. You’d always look good on her arm; so good that your mum would call and tell you she couldn’t spot you.

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, you’d get to share her wardrobe – multiple wardrobes, actually, three different walk-in closets in one house. There would be another closet that was always locked and that you’d never seen into; a closet that you occasionally heard scratching noises from, or the soft scuffling of thousands of tiny legs, but you wouldn’t think about it that much. 

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, you would go to yoga together. You would actually do yoga! You would be good at it! You would feel your body getting stronger and more flexible, and you would several times a day drop your torso down to touch your toes, just because you can. Obviously you wouldn’t be as good at yoga as Gwyneth Paltrow, but that’s impossible and wouldn’t make you feel bad: Gwyneth is just so good! She would fold herself smaller and smaller and smaller into a tiny blonde pentagram on the carpet. Then you’d both laugh, happily and healthily.

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, you’d love how nerdy she was, and sit with her outside on sunny days while she peered at insects. You would read your book while she sat cross-legged and lightly stroked a beetle’s exoskeleton and murmured, “Hello, friend.”

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, her kids would love you in a way that you found flattering and fun, because you got to play an irresponsible cool aunt role. You would have a box of dress-up clothes for them, and you’d make cookies, and you’d end up being the best person to soothe their nightmares. When they woke up in the night, you would perch on the side of their bed and cuddle them, stroking their hair. Gwyneth would stand leaning against the doorway and smile at you. “You’re so good with them,” she’d say, her shadow long, maybe too long.

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, she’d be blandly but fiercely supportive of whatever it was you’d want to do. “I love how much faith you have in me,” you would tell her, laughing, “I bet you think I can rule the world.” She’d smooth back your hair and say, “You can do that. If that’s what you want. I can make that work.” You would know, suddenly, uncomfortably, that she was telling the truth. Then you would forget.

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86 Comments

  1. hurdyburdy +179

    I am CACKLING. (But not like Gwyneth Paltrow would cackle, if I were her girlfriend. She would have a musical laugh that would echo just a little longer than any laugh should.)

  2. BobOfSeals +148

    AAAAhhhhHHhHHHHhhhhhhhhHHhhhhhh oh my god.

    “You’ve cut your hand!” you’d say, worried, and she’d smile brightly and tell you she was just about to make you the best salad you’d ever had.”

    Ohhhhh my god.

  3. johnwthompson +63

    I was 100% expecting an extended clown on GOOP, because that’s the world we live in. But. Nothing wrong with honest dreams of intimacy.

    3. halloweenjack64 +12

      Loving the Alien: a very, very, very special edition of GOOP. (Not recommended for children or xenophobes. No, not that kind.)

  5. ppyajunebug +55

    Gwyneth is central to the longest running fight in our family: my mother is staunchly pro-Gwynnie and GOOP, and my sister is staunchly anti. I sit in the middle in that I find her more than a little ridiculous, but I do love her as Pepper Potts. This fight inevitably then leads into the Beyonce fight, where my mom is not a fan and my sister worships her. I just try and find somewhere to hide once we get to that part.

  6. ashurredly +75

    If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, you would quietly try to leave her by starting a kale farm, but she would always be there casting her long, long shadow.

    1. maccrocodile +100

      If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, she would always turn up whenever you’re talking about her. “Oh, Gwyneth, there you are. I thought you were in London this week,” you’d say. “No,” she’d say, scrunching her face a little the way she does, “I was just making you a smoothie. Here. It has fresh honey in it.” Somewhere in the distance, you’d hear a faint buzzing sound, but you know it is not bees.

    7. 1sic1 +58

      They were grown on the body of a placid human host. Like that mouse with a human ear growing out of its back.

      The host was consenting.

    8. neuromanticism +95

      I jumped to the conclusion that they were made of Robert Downey Jr…

  8. cosetthetable +77

    This is lovely. Have you ever heard of Welcome to…. what was I saying, Gwyneth? I’m sure it wasn’t important. I’ll go eat my lunch of one, single, unpeeled carrot now.

    (perhaps the reason that Mallory keeps having people ask if she’s familiar with WtNV is that Gwyneth Paltrow makes everyone forget that there are things that are creepyhorrorsurrealism other than WtNV?)

    1. Unreadaethel +8

      There’s an awful lot of fanfic in which Cecil is actually a tentacled eldritch creature. How creepy this becomes depends very much on the writer.

    2. HarliQ +2

      I did not see your comment before I commented myself……
      Same wavelength, friend.

  9. hussified +91

    Oh my god, the creepy crawlies. Is she a veela? Are you a vampire? What is going ON?

      1. ladonnapietra +15

        HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT ALL THIS TIME.

        ALSO ROSAMUND PIKE IS A VEELA, DEFINITELY.

  10. UnquenchableThirst +175

    Did anyone else hear a high-pitched keening sound and realize they were screaming?

  11. ronipedia +59

    Well, this one is my favourite IACWYGF yet. Starting with “oh god, are the heels made from human bones?” and then just spiraling into darkness from there.

  12. sagerenee +117

    This one, this one is my new favorite. In fact I can’t remember any of the others, what were they again?

    2. ashurredly +75

      This question could be a whole new focus for a revised edition of Epistemology of the Closet. Theory: Gwyneth Paltrow is actually an enormous swarm of bees who manage to take on human form.

    3. damanoid +97

      YOU. You are in the third closet. You have never been anywhere but in the third closet, safely stored away. You continue to scratch at the door sometimes, without really remembering why.

        1. damanoid +69

          Don’t be silly, you’re not ready yet. Besides, it’s really quite comfortable in here, isn’t it? The wax enclosing you is so smooth and cool. The perfect temperature for pupating. Here, have some more honey. NOT the royal jelly, that is ONLY for Gwyneth. You have no idea how happy she is that you’re doing this for her, you know. Have some more honey. Just think how much lighter you’ll feel without those awful bones weighing you down. Soon you’ll be perfect for her. You’ll love it, we promise. Have some more honey. We’ll take care of you until then. We’ll take care of everything.

          1. pretty_monster +26

            it is really quite comfortable in here. cool and tight and dark. that droning sound is very soothing. the honey makes me sleepy. mmmhhhmmmhmhmhhhmmmm… i’ll have a little nap while i wait for Gwyneth.

  14. sausagedog +23

    This is the best one yet. I had a crush on Gwyneth that I felt kind of bad about having. Now I don’t feel bad.

  16. SwitchingGenres +18

    This is so wonderful. These “if ____ was your girlfriend” posts just get better and better.

  19. miafarradaily +209

    What I got from this was that Gwyneth is basically the closest thing we have to “all would love me and despair” dark Galadriel?

  20. bethcorriveau +60

    I deeply appreciate the turn this series has suddenly taken. More please.

  21. citizenchristy +21

    This is probably my favorite “If ____ Were…” so far. It sounds like she has a babadook locked in a closet.

  25. halloweenjack64 +58

    “You’re so good with them,” she’d say, her shadow long, maybe too long.

    I didn’t know where else the “If [Celebrity] Were Your [Gender]Friend” posts could go. But I found out. By all that’s holy and much that is not, I found out.

  26. builtahouse +74

    AAAAHHHHHH but now my headcanon is that Gwyneth is an eldritch creature who is simply looking for love (sort of, MAYBE?) and you are the unfortunate (most fortunate?) mortal, and THIS, this my friends is what it means to be the mate of an immortal. A thing between worlds, and worshipped for centuries.

    ok, back to screaming internally (whether from fear or delight or pity for the Gwyneth-creature I can’t tell anymore.)

  28. actualmeg +74

    I gave this a hard side-eye after seeing the title, but upon actually reading it, found it to be perfect. And terrifying.

  29. Owlmouse +149

    Do you even remember meeting Gwyneth? At what point did she slip into your life? Your home? Has she always been there, and you simply never realized it?

  30. damanoid +186

    PAL, n. A close friend
    TROW, n. A mischievous sprite or fairy, a supernatural being common in Scandinavian mythology

  31. Squishalicious +49

    I think I like Gwyneth Paltrow more now. I mean, I always liked her acting, but this explains her disconnect with us mortals.

  33. aitch_ess +43

    My heart is so full from all the toastie speculations on which (alleged) mythical creature Gwyneth Paltrow really is.

  34. Currer_Belle +72

    I like to think that I’m fairly good at picking up on nuance, but this – this just really snuck up on me.

    I knew something wasn’t right, but my first reaction was “It feels like these are starting to transgress people’s humanity. We’re making these imaginary relationships serve us, the reader, in a way that denies the feelings and emotions of another autonomous human being to the point that she is truly injured here, and we’re more interested in the salad she’d make us.”

    Oh, how wrong I was, how innocent, how unprepared.

  35. rolotomassi5 +9

    You would share a running joke about the idiocy of the morons in Shakespeare In Love for not noticing her totally obvious womanhood.

  36. damanoid +26

    Q. How many members of the Beyonce/Cameron Diaz/Gwyneth Paltrow coven does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. WGat haaaapen noo stop ples just t a jokk wy am i a sqkwerl noww don t wnt wto be a sqwurril

  37. writingortyping +2

    GWYNETH PALTROW IS THE OOGIE BOOGIE MAN.

    Suddenly everything makes sense.

  38. Munchlette_Belle +16

    I literally just emailed this to my friend and called it “deliciously creepy” then came back to read comments and found yours describing it exactly the same way. …Gwyneth works in mysterious ways.

  39. HarliQ +6

    If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, she would take you to her high school reunion in some little town called Nightvale. Or she wouldn’t. You don’t actually remember what happened when you took her hand and blinked your eyes.

  40. Alina +14

    Gwyneth would stand leaning against the doorway and smile at you. “You’re so good with them,” she’d say, her shadow long, maybe too long.

    Gwyneth is clearly the Other Mother.

  41. Halloween Jack

    Loving the Alien: a very, very, very special edition of GOOP. (Not recommended for children or xenophobes. No, not that kind.)

  44. mattiest +7

    Well, this took a delightful turn for the Welcome to Night Vale-ian.

    Fun fact, Gwyneth Paltrow’s middle name is Eldritch.

  45. godsimplex +2

    The honey bit reminds me of Roald Dahl’s story ‘Royal Jelly’, which is one of the creepiest things I think I’ve ever read.