1. Bring the absolute smallest cat you can find in a carrier. No, smaller than that.
2. Draw attention to the fact that you brought the cat carrier into the store because you “didn’t want to leave him in the car,” so they know you are not the kind of person who leaves baby kittens in cars, not even for a second, you would carry a thousand baby kittens across a river before you even even tried to feed a sandwich to your own self because you don’t even care about yourself, just the kittens.
3. Bring up Sailor Moon. Wait until she points out that the tiny cat you’re carrying around with you looks like he’s wearing a suit, and then mention Tuxedo Mask while maintaining deliberate yet casual eye contact. Say it in a way that implies you would like to be her Tuxedo Mask.
4. Buy everything that she suggests, even though you’re only looking after him for a day before he goes to your friend Liz’ house for good. It’s too soon to start fighting.
5. Casually mention that you rescued the little kitten not on your own behalf, but for a friend. Drop your voice at least half an octave while you say this.
6. See if you can work Sailor Moon back into the conversation, to remind her of the good times, from before, when you two were talking about Sailor Moon.
7. Pretend not to know the difference between the different type of water bowls. Let her explain them to you. See? You’re already learning from each other.
8. Pay for your purchases, but meaningfully. You know how I mean.
9. Go home and take care of the kitten. They’ll come. Sooner or later, they will come.
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This was our Milo when he was a tiny babycat – actually this was after we had him for a bit. He weighed ONE POUND when he was found in a parking lot and delivered into our care.
One.
Pound.
Wee Milo! So tiny and orange!
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH <3 <3 <3
LOOK AT THE WAY HE IS ACCEPTING AND BASKING IN YOUR LOVE WITH HIS WEE LIL PAWS
He still routinely falls asleep in my lap. He is darling.
omg yes yes this is what I call rollercoastering when my boy does it. He hasn’t done it in my arms since I met him at the shelter, of course.
oh my GOD
OMG KITTENS REALLY DO THAT?
My cats don’t. 🙁
He would also ride my arm while I knitted.
!!!
I have a full-grown cat who does… and another who only likes to stand up on all four paws while being petted. Cats, they are all unique.
It just kills me when I see cats laying/moving in poses I usually associate with humans. bawww
Our orangie is Milo, too! It truly is a great cat name.
I also have an orange Milo! He’s a big fat marshmallow of a cat and I love him so much.
Tiny kitten time! Harry was 1.2 pounds when he found me outside my office. Now he has a little belly he’s working on getting rid of. Ah, they grow so fast.
All the kitteh bebehs,
All the kitteh bebehs,
All the kitteh bebehs,
All the kitteh bebehs,
Everybody put your paws UP!
Jazz paws!
Optional: When she remarks, “Actually, I’m just here to pick up a new toy for my pet turtle, Grandissimus,” unlock your mutant genetic potential to spontaneously manifest spider-powers and retreat backward straight up the wall.
The Toast is not your personal missed connections MALLORY although isn’t that a shame you should change that immediately
THE TOAST IS WHATEVER I WANT IT TO BE, I’LL TEAR IT DOWN AND TURN IT INTO THE BIGGEST LANE BRYANT IN MIDTOWN
YOU’LL NEVER GET ANOTHER ZONING PERMIT IN THIS TOWN ORTBERG
“Well, you know, I already had a feather wand at home, just in case a kitten happened to come by. But I suppose getting some other toys would be a good idea.” [BUYS ALL THE TOYS]
And wink when you say “feather wand” so the whole toy situation is delightfully ambiguous.
I routinely do this but with baristas. You’d be amazed how many questions one can ask about peppermint tea.
I needed this last Friday when I was at that good-looking author’s reading. The best comment I could think of by myself was, “What an interesting looking tattoo you’ve got!” (I didn’t actually say that.)
Go home and take care of the kitten. They’ll come. Sooner or later, they will come.
10. Make a post on your popular feminist humor site asking the best way to lure butch pet store workers into your house so that you may bathe and care for them.
I’m just going to leave this here…
These are my tiny lover kittens. One is eight ounces. The other is ten. BARELY A POUND. MOSTLY FLUFF.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 !!!!!!!!!
They look like models for the lesbian haiku posts. I can almost hear T.A.t.u. yodeling in the background.
Put a bowl of quinoa on your porch when you see the butch sniffing around your yard. Don’t startle her, for a good-looking butch can be skittish.
If you see her hiding in your window box herb garden, that’s a good sign. Butches love functional yet decorative landscaping options.
Leave your door open. Potentially have a different friendly butch sit in the yard to show you are trustworthy with butches. Hopefully your decoy butch will lead the new butch inside without much work from you.
If you find the good-looking butch hiding in your bathroom amongst your robes, lure her out by complimenting her hair and tattoos, showing you appreciate her aesthetic and have paid it mind.
Et voila! You cotched it!
Once again, Ortberg, you prove that you are the woman I hope to be one day.
Then, head over to the local animal shelter and meet far cooler butches. The kind with freckles.
Would 1000 % watch this romcom.
Can Ellen Page play the butch?
Yes please
Can…can Kristen have a role?
Kristen can play Mallory.
It can be meta, wherein Mallory plays Mallory and Kristen plays a good-looking butch and behind the scenes Mallory and Kristen cotch and adopt a wee kitten together.
All these kitten postings lately have made me duper sad I have bad cat allergies. Somehow I don’t think that butches at the pet shop would believe that I rescued my beta fish from a sad life on the streets…
Oh girl, do I have the solution for you: DOGS.
Haha, I wish! Also allergic to those too, just slightly less so.
Rats? I rescued my 4 bubs from being eaten by snakes and/or put down by the moms of irresponsible pre-teens. They are all lazy fat squishes
I actually don’t know about that one, although I’m not allergic to pet hamsters/gerbils, so that’s promising. Lazy fat squishy pets sounds so adorable, thank you for that visual 😀
Ferrets are a great pet as well – smart, affectionate, adorable on little leashes.
Bunnies! I have a good friend who is allergic to cats and dogs, but a rabbit was just the ticket for her family. And THINK OF THE TINY BUNNY CUUUUUUUUTE
My local pet supply store is all out of butches (instead there are charming young men who fanboy over my game t-shirts), but that’s ok because this is wonderful (and they are charming).
11. Namedrop The Toast. DONE.
Shouldn’t paying by debit or credit do that job for you? I mean, if it’s a good looking butch of quality.
Relevant to this thread: a hoodie with a cat-sized pouch for them to snuggle in.
That’s either a cat slanket or a slankitty. Either way, I’m not sure who I’m more jealous of.
Alternately, space enough for a large bag of crisps. I doubt the cat would mind alternating too much.
I love how the hoodie also has cat ears and cat paw sleeves. Do you want to hold a cat? Do you want to huddle under a blanket with a cat? Do you want a cat to be your cat blanket? Do you want to be a cat? Do you want to be a cat blanket for a cat who is being your blanket? You don’t have to choose!
I need this!
this is pteppic snuggling against errol. pteppic weighs nothing and he is too small even to miaow, he can only peep. my mum’s work has a startling amount of reckless animal owners working there, so one of them basically brought this one into work at 7 weeks old and said “who wants him?” very bad and reckless >:( she is also expecting another tiny peep in a few weeks from yet another colleague who can’t or won’t take advantage of our very readily available and heavily subsidized neutering and spaying services in this country.
TINIEST BIG SPOON
My friend’s kitten learnt that peeping got more positive attention than mewing properly, and so now as an adult cat will only peep unless she’s really pissed off or talking to another cat. The adorable manipulative little fucker.
Wait wait wait, I have a cat that looks precisely like your orange fellow up there, also named Errol. I’ve got chills, a bit. If I can figure out how to post photos on here I will do so, it is pretty incredible.
Oh man, a former housemate of mine came home with a tiny kitten because her coworker brought the poor wee thing in a shoebox and housemate didn’t trust any of her coworkers with a kitten. She ended up naming the kitten Nike, for the shoebox.
Where was this list when I was single?
Pretty sure this works on all attractive women, not just butches.
But how do I find a teeny cat in an apartment block? MALLORY PLEASE HELP I NEED A KITTEN SUPPLY
Alternatively where do I find the lesbian art historians I know they’re out there somewhere but they’re elusive as kittens
I found them for you.
I guess that’s grad school sorted then
“Bring up Sailor Moon” is a good rule of thumb for all situations, everywhere. Always bring up Sailor Moon. Job interview? Bring up Sailor Moon. Funeral? Bring up Sailor Moon. Minor foot surgery? Bring up Sailor Moon.
I already found the title way too relatable but I’m glad that my innate love of Sailor Moon would help in such a hypothetical situation
This is so relevant to my life. There’s a pet store down the street of me and it’s constantly swamped with butches. Like, I’ve never seen so many butches in one place, outside of a drag show. One day a cute girl came in with a baby kitten and, long story short, I’m sure she left with a ton of numbers that day. Now I know how to up my game and stay competitive. Thanks, Mallory.
I just stared at this comment thinking, "Wait, The Toast issues credit cards now?" But no, that's a tip that will only work for Mallory.
Where was this list when I was single and when the cute butch vet technician was working at my vet's office? She showed me how to clean my dog's ears and I STILL couldn't close the deal!
I WISH the toast issued credit cards. On the other hand, I only very recently received my NASA Federal Credit Union debit card, which is pretty badass.
HAHAHAHA YES NEXT TIME I’LL BE PREPARED!
but really the last time something like this happened I just got really flustered and walked away without my stuff or paying and I had to go back for it all and i died a little.
It can be meta, wherein Mallory plays Mallory and Kristen plays a good-looking butch and behind the scenes Mallory and Kristen cotch and adopt a wee kitten together.
Oh man, a former housemate of mine came home with a tiny kitten because her coworker brought the poor wee thing in a shoebox and housemate didn't trust any of her coworkers with a kitten. She ended up naming the kitten Nike, for the shoebox.