1,127 Comments

    1. ToTheIsLand +3

      I just did. YAAAAAY.
      I’m so glad that my half day this week coincided with being able to buy tickets (I missed buying Sleater Kinney tickets a month or two ago because of work and I am still bitter about it)

    3. CNM +2

      I wish they were coming to my city or, really, anywhere in my state. I got a WTNV tank top as a conciliation prize.

    4. fishesinthetwee +4

      Me, me! We saw them the last time they toured and it was just SO FUN. Really looking forward to it. ๐Ÿ˜€

      1. logicbutton +3

        Me toooooo. And this year is already an improvement over last year because a) the show I’m going to is on a Friday instead of a Tuesday; b) the show I’m going to is not on the same day as and two blocks away from the MLB All-Star Game; c) the tickets aren’t going on sale while I’m out of town; and d) the problems my car started having on the way to the theater last time have been fixed.

        1. fishesinthetwee +5

          omggggg did you make an enemy at Strexcorp or something??

          Living in a city that’s big on SportsBall, and having had many episodes of car trouble, I just – ugh, what a night! And yet, the show is so fun! I’m glad you’ve got a second chance to enjoy it trouble-free.

        1. robot_dinosaur +3

          SHE HAS THE SADDEST FEELINGS WHY WOULD YOU LAUGH AT HER

          (because she looks like an IDIOT)

    6. Rachel8489 +3

      They aren’t doing a New York City show on this tour! I mean, we’re spoiled and get more shows than most people anyway, but I haven’t gone to the last two and would’ve probably bought one this time.

    8. octopoda +3

      Ooh! I thought they were only gonna be in the southeast (I guess that is just Dessa, wish I could see her live again). I’m so getting these.

    9. wallofillusion +3

      My friend bought the tickets and got us front row, dead center. I am so excited I could squeal.

      1. logicbutton +2

        OH DANG, NICE. My seat is not nearly that good, although it is on the aisle on the main level. Ticketmaster kept giving me an error message that apparently could mean either that the seat I was trying to reserve was no longer available OR the site was having problems OR I was doing something catastrophically stupid and didn’t even deserve to be operating the internet, so I’m just impressed with myself for having the presence of mind to get something decent once it did go through.

        1. robot_dinosaur +3

          I had a really hard time getting two seats! I ended up just telling it pick the best available because it kept dropping one of the two tickets I wanted to buy. VERY UPSETTING.

    10. allanaaa +4

      No ticket required. They’re keynoting a conference here next week, which I am going to for free because volunteering. (I love you Ontario.)

        1. allanaaa +2

          Toronto librarian toastie meetup yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss join us yesssssssssssssssssssssss

    12. menspraetrepidans +3

      me me me! i bought four for my group of friends and i’m not even worried about how long it’ll take to be paid back, i’m too excited!

  2. aravisthequeen +70

    TOAST. I would like to have some cheerleading because I’m going to try to start a blog thia weekend where I read and recap and review historical fiction for kids and YA from the 90s and 80s. Tell me this is not a stupid idea.

    Also this is because I need some kind of outlet for how horrible my job is because the stress of hating it so much is starting to wear me down physically and mentally. And if one more person suggests “Why don’t you look for a new job?” I swear to God my husband will be bailing me out of jail.

    2. gallimaufry_ +14

      That is an AWESOME blog idea and I hope you will share the name of the blog with us once it’s up and running.

    3. themegnapkin +7

      I’m going to try to start my sewing/knitting blog this weekend . . . I’m keeping my ambitions small, I just want to document my progress so I can join the sewing blogosphere.

    7. winterbymorning +12

      I really like reading the things you write so you should definitely write more things for me to read.

    11. Bryn (Plus Others) +5

      I think it’s a great idea and I’m looking forward to reading it! Do Mary Stolz _The Cat in the Mirror_ please! (1977 is like the 80s, right?)

    12. raqueue +4

      That sounds like an amazing idea! Please post the link once you start it!

      What are some of the books you’re thinking about doing your first posts on?

      (I hear you on the “why don’t you look for a new job?” front — it’s not that *easy*)

    13. literarysara +6

      I would like to read such a blog! I loved me some Elizabeth George Speare, and alo would pick up just about anything in the YA shelves that was about medieval witches (Wise Child? Quest for a Maid?) so I am pretty excited to see if you review any of those and also to see what others you read!

    16. sofie_fatale +5

      Do it!!!! I set up my classic film blog as an outlet from my kind of stalled “real life” career, after I’d been half-heartedly applying to other jobs for a year with no luck. It’s really fun and I’ve got to go to all sorts of events for it and interact with cool people who have similar interests. Knowing I get to go home and do something productive and creative just for ME is really encouraging and totally lets me take my mind off my workday.

    17. PotterPotterson +4

      You should totally rock it out! I started a tarot blog when I was unemployed and job searching. Having that build up my internal sense of purpose was wonderful.

      And yes, the topic sounds amazing!

    18. Linette +2

      Dude, I have been in the blogging world for a long-ass time and not only is this a GREAT idea, it’s a monetizable idea if you want to go that route! You should TOTALLY do it. If you need any help/resources/advices, I am here for you!

    20. mustacheddragon +1

      I love this, and would totally read it! Can I advance request She Was Nice to Mice, a novel about talking mice and Queen Elizabeth written by Ally Sheedy? Eight-year-old me recalls it being actually very good.

  3. LacaunaKale +28

    My landlady just knocked on my door to express her surprise that when catsitting for me over a week, said cat barfed once. And why gee golly she’s never heard of cats doing such a thing. I just barely refrained from asking her if she’s ever met a feline.

    Also, I’m so bored. Talk of me of fun winter stuff that works for the balance challenged.

    1. houblonchouffe +12

      If there’s a snow tubing place near you, THAT. It requires no balance skills and is ridiculously, stupidly entertaining.

    2. elenapalmer +18

      Wait. She was surprised that it barfed ONCE? Good lord, I’d be surprised it didn’t barf more. Possibly I’ve just known overly vengeful cats????

        1. elenapalmer +4

          Oh, that sucks. ๐Ÿ™ A friend of mine’s cat is a stress-barfer but also a…spite-barfer. Which may have colored my understanding of cats, since I don’t myself have them.

          1. squishycatmew +8

            My cat is a “I just kinda felt like it” barfer. There doesn’t seem to be any malice in it most of the time, it just happens.

          2. catoclock +9

            My cat was a barf-every-time-she-ate barfer until I started buying her $25-a-bag grain-free food made out of DUCK. Asshole.

          3. spring chickens +2

            yikes. at that rate, you might be better off just giving her some raw meat??

            though I guess that is less convenient than a big bag of cat food, since you have to go to the grocery more.

          4. catoclock +5

            She’s such a delicate flower all around. She also has a chronic sinus problem that the vet thinks is probably CAT HERPES.

          5. coloredlights +3

            My cat has cat herpes! And also requires fancy-ass prescription food, unrelated to the herpes. She sometimes still barfs right after she eats, but usually it’s because she gets carried away and eats too fast.

          6. tinypaperme +3

            Supposedly raising the height of the dish will help the immediate post-eating barfing. Something to do with the cat not having to bend its head down to eat?

            My cat, in the year-plus-two-weeks I have had her, has barfed a total of three times: once, because she ate the head off some horrible armored caterpillar-thing and it didn’t agree with her so she barfed it up in a small pool of water; the second time, because she ate some ribbon and it didn’t agree with her so she barfed that up in a small pool of water too; and the third time, she orked a giant flood of half-digested food on top of one of my stereo speakers. The first two times I didn’t even recognize it as barf – I couldn’t figure out why there was a puddle of water with some ribbon in the middle of the hallway.

          7. squishycatmew +1

            I know a lot of the problem actually is that his food isn’t the greatest quality, but he almost died of a urinary blockage when he was two (he’s about 9 1/2 now) and so I have to feed him the prescription food for urinary issues.

            Goddamn expensive motherfucker.

    3. MilesofMountain +3

      Snowshoing? And if you have somewhere nearby where you can light things on fire, snow picnicking is fun: roast hot dogs, bring thermouses, and try and stay warm.

    4. effableobject +10

      Drinking hot chocolate from a spill-proof travel mug! Sledding! Reading Ethan Frome! Definitely wait until you have successfully gone sledding to read Ethan Frome.

    5. christoncracker +1

      Oh yeah, my old roommate interrupted my vacation to ask me if she needed to take my cat to the vet because she barfed. Once. I mean, had she never been nears cats/babies/dogs?

  4. smeesmeesmee +76

    Hi toasties. A friend forwarded me this job advert today and it is the best thing I’ve ever read. It’s for Tudor Roasting Apprentice at Hampton Court Palace. http://www.museumjobs.com/jobdetails.php?JobID=88…

    Purpose of the job:
    To roast meat in the Henry VIII Kitchens, to distribute wine from the replica Tudor wine fountain at Hampton Court Palace in Tudor costume.

    It’s men only, so I really feel that someone needs to pretend to be a man to get this job.

    Specifically for this role, the trainee must be a man. The Kitchens of Henry VIII were an all-male environment. It is important to us that we present the past as it really was, not as we would have liked it to have been. It is essential this authenticity is immediately obvious visually, not just to visitors who wish to take time to question the interpreters in greater depth. For the same reason, the trainee should have an appropriate haircut, naturally coloured hair, be clean shaven or with facial hair appropriate to 1540 (for Hampton Court Palace). No visible tattoos or piercings. Discrete hearing aids which can be concealed by hair are permissible. If vision needs to be corrected for low-light cookery work, this must be done with contact lenses rather than glasses. These are Occupational Requirements of the job, and exemptions from the 2010 Discrimination Act apply.

    FACIAL HAIR APPROPRIATE TO 1540

    1. threatqualitypress +55

      Now, historically the meat roasters were entitled to UNLIMITED BEER while they were on duty. I assume that the Kitchens of Henry VIII’s dedication to historical accuracy includes the beer ration?

    2. logicbutton +50

      I mean, who’s to say that no women posed as men to work in the kitchens of Henry VIII?

    3. meetapossum +5

      I’m very curious about this no-glasses clause. Surely they had primitive corrective eyewear during the Renaissance?

          1. threatqualitypress +22

            They probably didn’t need them very much, anyway, you mostly just sit next to the fire and turn the spit, and drink your UNLIMITED BEER ration.ย  Even the ones who didn’t have vision problems probably couldn’t see straight by the end of the day.

          3. threatqualitypress +6

            Tudor Dayes had a lot of shit wrong with it, but being a palace meat roaster was probably a pretty good gig, all things considered.

          4. blushingflower +11

            Dogs, beer, always close to the fire, indoor work, no one shooting at you, probably reasonably well-fed. Sign me up.

    5. rkfire +17

      I find it curious/sad/hilarious that they don’t explicitly say “only white people allowed” even though it’s clearly implied! Unless.. maybe it isn’t?

      And this is where I’d want to also include an essay from medievalPOC about how Europe was much more diverse then we imagine, etc., etc.

      1. bookwormV +2

        Well, they say at the end “Historic Royal Palaces is an equal opportunities employer and truly values a diverse workforce. Applications are welcome from candidates regardless of their background”, but they also say “It is important to us that we present the past as it really was, not as we would have liked it to have been”, so I’m really not sure what their approach would be. There were non-white people in Tudor England, of course, but I don’t know if the employers would consider there to have been enough that hiring a non-white person would be “presenting the past as it really was”.

    6. rkfire +4

      Btw, I just started a new email thread with some friends called “Weird/Awesome Job Postings of the Week” and this is the very first one profiled. Past nominees for this has included Assist Events Manager for US Quidditch.

    7. Household_Opera +3

      with facial hair appropriate to 1540 (for Hampton Court Palace)

      ZOMG THIS IS SO GOING TO BE MY FUTURE DRAG PERFORMANCE PERSONA. Even if I don’t decide to move overseas to apply for that job.

    8. Angelan_ +3

      My dream job is to be one of the people who wanders around Hampton Court Palace in costume as one of Henry’s wives and performs little skits for the public. They’re so goofy but I LOVE THEM.

    9. YeahJustAlice +23

      I am an ex- Tudor reenactor and can therefore ‘WellACTUALLY’ about this thread on SO MANY LEVELS at the slightest provocation. I can literally respond in a really dorkily pedantic manner to about 8 separate points in this thread if you’ll let me.

        1. YeahJustAlice +6

          Okay I’ve had about four hours sleep and far too much caffeine so I’m totally going to do it.

  5. deleted7410012 +19

    ugh i’m hungover at work! professionalism at its best.

    i went on my first ever tinder date last night and it was okay/he was cute/nothing amazing/nothing horrible/i drank too much and now i’m hungover at work.

    i can’t wait for the weekend. i’m going to sleep. and eat so much cheese, and i am going to go see “a most violent year” by myself, and maybe i will even go to the gym for the first time in over two months and then my friend has a birthday party on sunday night. it’ll be good.

    also good things: i bought tickets to see belle & sebastian this april! i haven’t seen them since…2006 so i am really excited!

    what are all of you toasties looking forward to doing this weekend?

    1. paddlepickle +18

      Your weekend sounds amazing! I’m looking forward to my family’s annual Burns Night celebration. We drink tons of Scotch, read poetry, eat awesome Scottish food (though nobody will let me actually bring a haggis), and play a pennywhistle over a running vacuum cleaner to simulate bagpipes.

      1. deleted7410012 +10

        this sounds incredible and the vacuum cleaner bagpipe substitute is both hilarious and clever.

      2. Liz +5

        Haha, yes! My husband (who is a brewer) celebrates Robbie Burns day at his boss’s house, drinking Scotch, reading poetry, and I think they usually do have haggis. He stays the night so I don’t have to deal with his drunk ass.

        1. paddlepickle +7

          Last Burns Night featured my SIL’s grandma getting completely wasted from drinking Scotch ‘cut with Drambuie’. Possibly the most amusing thing I have ever witnessed.

          1. MoniqueAC +2

            A Rusty Nail! That was my grandmother’s favourite mixed drink. I haven’t thought about those in ages (mostly because these days I buy Scotch that is too nice to mix with Drambuie).

        1. paddlepickle +2

          I’m not sure if my half-Scottish-ness actually qualifies me to say “go for it”, but, go for it.

    2. raqueue +2

      I have an intense day of family parties tomorrow (including 8 hours of driving), but then a beautiful day on Sunday of reading, laundry and a poetry reading in the evening. I can get through Saturday for Sunday.

      1. deleted7410012 +3

        oof, eight hours of driving! drive safe and have lots of fun singing in the car! your relaxing sunday sounds a lot like what i hope my own saturday will be. let’s hope we both get to enjoy it!

    3. Battle_Swine +9

      I’m going out tonight with some coworkers, and unlike last weekend, I am NOT going to drink too much and NOT flirt excessively with one said coworker. At least that’s the plan.

    4. longlostlullaby +5

      Okay/nothing amazing/nothing horrible is how I would describe almost every online date I’ve ever been on. I would prefer horrible, really, because then at least I’d have a story for when friends inevitably ask how it went.

      1. deleted7410012 +3

        this is my first foray into online dating but i can already see how this could be the norm…but after hearing some of my friends’ horrible stories, i think maybe we’ve both dodged some bullets!

        1. paperbgprincess +6

          oh man I just posted below about my first TERRIBLE date … it was bad but I kind of like how horrific it was because I’ve told the story to several people and no one can believe he was REALLY THAT BAD but he was!!

          1. deleted7410012 +4

            oh no! i’m going to go read it nowโ€”i have to admit, i find bad date stories kind of delicious. but i’m sorry you had a bad experience! better luck next time!

    5. winterbymorning +6

      I am going to go to the museum FOR FREE because I scored some tickets earlier this month. There’s an MC Escher exhibit, among other cool things. Apart from that my plans are to take it easy, catch up on some reading, and maybe cook a lemon loaf that won’t be burned on the bottom and raw in the middle this time.

      1. deleted7410012 +3

        ooh, an mc escher exhibit sounds awesome! here in the bay area there’s a keith haring exhibit and the ai wei wei installation on alcatraz and i haven’t been to either yet. maybe next weekend…

        also mm lemon loaf.

        1. MoniqueAC +3

          The Ai Wei Wei installation sounds really interesting (I just looked it up). I went to see a retrospective show of his in Toronto in 2013 and it was awesome. Such amazing work that he does.

      2. dancingcrowdesigns +1

        If it is the MCE exhibit that was recently in New Hampshire, I loved it, and I loved unexpected parts of it. Have a great time, and then post back what you’d steal/request if you could make off with one piece from it…

    6. Bryn (Plus Others) +5

      I am in that precious precious space between childhood illnesses where my daughter is well enough to go back to school today (YAY) and my son has not yet come down with the 104F fever and general malaise. If nobody else gets sick, this weekend we will garden because the orange trees have shed old oranges all over the yard and it is supposed to be 70 so this is a good way to get outside. Also my son informed me this morning that “No nni ride train! Lala train! Train coming! Nonni Lala Daddy RIDE TRAIN weekend!” Which in translation means that our partner will take both kids and go somewhere on the train and we will have some glorious free time. With which we will do… something!

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

          Thanks! I am keeping my fingers crossed. I was really worried he’d get sick this morning and wouldn’t be able to go to school so I am really quite happy and relieved that he woke up so chipper and fever-free.

          We are very lucky to have a pretty big yard & last summer in the back we teamed up with our backyard neighbours (there is a converted garage the landlords rent separately behind our house) and built planters, and so if we get really enthusiastic we might start cleaning out all the dead peppers and tomatoes and things so we can replant stuff, whatever it is people plant here in the winter. ๐Ÿ™‚

          I like your so much cheese plan. Preferred cheeses?

          1. deleted7410012 +1

            oh, that sounds so lovely! i live in an apartment without a garden and i have zero green thumb, but i grew up in a home with a gardener mother and a yard without a square inch of lawnโ€”everything was flowers and shrubs and fruit trees and vegetablesโ€”and i miss it a lot, sometimes.

            i have a little chunk of smoked gouda that i’m pretty sure i’m going to demolish. and a new fancy grocery just opened in my neighborhood and they have a deli counter where they’ll slice cheese and sell to you by weight, which is fabulous because otherwise i’d buy too much. so i am kind of considering going over and just buying a slice or two of some asiago…or maybe some horseradish cheddar. or maybe some gruyere and then i’ll make a grilled cheese.

            mmm cheese.

          2. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

            I don’t know how much longer we’ll be in this house so it’s hard to invest too too much in the garden; Cassandra would love to cover everything with bulbs (there is no grass, just wood sorrel everywhere and other weeds, and then beds and the planter boxes) but she doesn’t want to put the money into it if we are moving in a year or so. But hopefully someday we will have some kind of owned dwelling with at least room to do some gardening; there is something just primally amazing about going outside and picking a vegetable and bringing it back inside and eating it.

            My daughter eats smoked gouda (and mozarella) by the ton. ๐Ÿ™‚

            I love grilled cheese with raclette, or sometimes with emmenthaler or gruyere mixed. I hope you enjoy your fancy grocery store! Whole Foods just opened around the corner from the cafe I am at right now and I am steadfastly resisting going there until we are back on track with our food budgeting.

    7. Social +2

      “Sleep/ Eat so much cheese” is such a good plan to begin with, and the rest of it sounds great too. Have fun at Belle & Sebastian!

      1. deleted7410012 +3

        i should schedule it out. like, wake up late. nibble on some gouda. cat nap. perhaps break into the white cheddar baby bels. lounge on the couch. gruyere grilled cheese. fall asleep early. dream of fondue.

        belle & sebastian is months away but i’m already dreaming of it!

    8. rangiferina +2

      I’m planning on seeing A Most Violent Year this weekend too! Hope it’s good. No other real plans for the weekend, but next Friday I have a date with my mom to see the Matisse Cut-Outs at MoMA. Really looking forward to that!

      1. deleted7410012 +2

        i want to see that exhibit so much, it’s tempting to daydream of just jumping on a plane to see it. it’s not going to happen, but…it looks so lovely.

    9. houblonchouffe +3

      Tonight, I have no idea–MrChouffe will come get me from work, we will likely stop at the awesome locals’ bar on the way home and get a beer and maybe a pizza, something along those lines. Tomorrow is a tap takeover (favorite brewery, one of favorite pub) and possibly raclette demo and definitely a great deal of chili. Sunday I am meeting my mom at Macy’s to see about girdle-things for the wedding dress and then I anticipate a great deal of vodka.

      1. deleted7410012 +2

        mmm possible pizza. this sounds like a good weekend! and good luck with the girdle! foundation garment can be an ordeal, so…word on the vodka, haha.

      2. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

        Raclette demo? How… are they grilling it? Or is this something other than the cheese? I mean, we LOVE raclette, it is our favourite cheese for grilled cheese, but how do you *demo* a cheese?

        1. houblonchouffe +2

          Well, this place makes the cheese and demonstrates the “proper” (whatever that means, it’s cheese, you eat it) traditional raclette presentation, which I think involves something fondue-like and also pickles? Either way, free cheese five minutes from home and 30 seconds from big winery so win/win?

  6. houblonchouffe +11

    Toasties! It is time for another self-care thread!

    What have you been doing to take care of yourself lately? I’ve been eating tons of vegetables, cutting back slightly on the wine, and snuggling with MrChouffe a lot more.

    1. sednarea51 +17

      Keeping up with my meds and doing a little (a little!) exercise every day. 15 mins daily is feeling more manageable to me than 40 minutes every couple of days.
      Also I bought myself more long underwear to keep warm in, including a waffly shirt with the Captain America shield on it that makes me feel like the happiest/snuggest nerd.

    2. bint_ +12

      I’ve been going to bed eaaaaarly (my record was 9pm last week! so proud) and eating more vegetables. I’m also getting hungry during the day at work, so have been packing myself nutritious and delicious snacks that I actually enjoy eating (like almonds, Mary’s crackers and cheese, and hummus/crackers). Yay for self-care!

    3. logicbutton +11

      One of my New Year’s resolutions is to cut back on sugar. It’s going……………………………………………………………reasonably okay.

      I’ve taken to rummaging through the cupboards for any forgotten desserts anywhere oh god. When I do find things, like some leftover pudding mix the other day, I go ahead and eat them. What am I, made of stone?

      1. hergart +4

        Yeah, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up dinner yesterday and left with dinner and two bags of twizzlers. I only ate most of one bag and most of my dinner, so I guess I’m doing okay? I think that I work a little better when I make sure to buy myself small quantities of sugar for regular consumption, to prevent the panicked candy hunt and sulking on the couch that follows an unsuccessful one. Fruit juice has vitamins? (and kids snacks have fruit juice! Just don’t let me near the gushers. No self-control there)

        1. logicbutton +3

          Yeah, I’m trying to substitute fruit juice, of which I conveniently have plenty in the house because I keep grocery shopping right after going to the gym.

      3. AlisonB +8

        Hi I have cut back on sugar for the past….year maybe. And actually it’s going pretty well. I still have the odd bit of dark chocolate (was always my fave so that helps) and cranberries, but otherwise I have to say that things like pastries or even milk chocolate, and sweets, don’t appeal to me anymore. It’s like my body has realised I’m more well without them and has told my brain that. I’ve had way fewer stomach upsets and even thrush infections (if anyone suffers from those regularly- sugar could be part of the reason). Trying to think what spurred me on the most- I think just generally not buying sugary foods but instead foods that are satisfying in other ways. Like butternut squash in winter mmm. Or porridge and honey. OMG I sound like a total Goop-head or something (I’m not).
        But yeah keep going!

      4. Linette +6

        I have a friend who managed to give up sugar SEVEN YEARS AGO and has never looked back and I think she might not be human.

        1. lilsebastian01 +2

          Honestly, as someone who gave up sugar for a year a while back and currently isn’t eating sugar in January, for some people no-sugar is so, so, so much easier than a small amount of sugar.

    4. paddlepickle +7

      Bought myself a ticket to LA to see my best friend at the end of February-beginning of March IE the worst part of the winter. Lying on the couch watching endless episodes of Friends with my aromatherapy pillow and reading Harry Potter instead of finishing “An Untamed State” (which is fantastic, just so fantastically written that it was kind of ruining my life because I was so upset all the time, I am gonna finish it for my book club and I do recommend it though!), and not judging myself for either of those things.

    5. Girl Named Jack +3

      I’m half-assing Drynuary and cutting back on wheat! Er, so, you know, not really pushing myself to the limits, here. But still! I feel pretty good.

    6. evieskye +5

      I’ve been remembering to take my vitamins and got on the jar salad trend train (it works! so delicious!) so I’m feeling smug this week. Also hot baths to save me from the rainy coldness we’ve been experiencing. Even if the weather’s bad take time to pet stray cats. It will make you feel a lot better.

      1. houblonchouffe +2

        So true. We’ve been working on a T-N-R program on our resident work strays, and just seeing them is such a treat.

    7. AlisonB +6

      Those sound like lovely activities houblonchouffe. I’m struggling a bit with self care atm, generally because my energy levels are so goddamn low. I’ve been waking up at about 9am, rolling over and waking up again at midday this whole week. oops. weather not helping. Also need to get to sleep earlier- stuck in a vicious cycle…
      (am on cipramil and waiting for it to kick in)
      My self care is mostly: eating well and enough, and exercising.

      I need to start some kind of meditation but always found it kinda stupid. I zone out when I dance so that could be my kind of meditation? But am avoiding it. Any tips on how to start meditating?
      also, happy friday!

      1. houblonchouffe +2

        Meditating is not my forte, but as I see it, anything that calms your brain down is a good start. Dance away! You do you!

        1. AlisonB +3

          haha thanks. Sometimes it’s hard to slow down and listen to your body, especially nowadays.
          My NYRes – listen to my body.

      2. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

        What about it have you found stupid?

        I do not like the guided imagery kind or anything like that, it annoys me too much. But the mindfulness kind where you try to just sit and be aware of the space your in without *thinking* about it, I do not mind it (and Cassandra here likes it a lot) although it is really difficult and often we go for weeks and weeks without even trying because ugh who wants to be here now? But when someone manages it, it is really very good.

        1. AlisonB +2

          yes guided imagery kind, with someone warbling at me from an audioguide. I need to do more mindfulness. I have had chronic back/neck pain until very recently so in order to survive I had to *not* register how my body was feeling. Still trying to retrain myself basically. Deep breathing is good.
          I still find dancing works the best- off for some ballet on my own in my living room now!

      3. blushingflower +6

        Calm.com (website or app) works for me. They let you choose the amount of time you want to do and the background image/sound. Two minutes is basically my limit right now, but their basic meditation is just a body scan, where you sit and feel your body, so there’s nothing really hokey, it’s just about sitting and being fully present in your body for two minutes.
        I am trying to use it more; I find it really helpful when I am stressed out at work.

        2. annieleeroth +2

          That sounds pretty good! I have some pretty major issues with connecting to my body and I usually end up having a panic attack if I “check in” for too long, but maybe I can try to start smaller with that site. Thanks!

        3. dancingcrowdesigns +2

          One thing I read was to hold still, and feel gravity, feel where you are pulled into the earth and the parts of your body that support you. This felt realer(?) to me than any other instructions so far.

      4. paddlepickle +3

        I am terrible at meditating, but this little book has really helped me: http://www.amazon.com/Sitting-Guide-Buddhist-Medi…

        It’s real short and a great guide to how to meditate and really incorporate the principles into your life. I tend to read the whole thing every six months or so, meditate and feel great for a few weeks, then stop doing it because, yknow, why keep doing something that’s great for me?

        1. AlisonB +3

          thanks! yeah, why do something good for yourself?
          I feel like giving my subconscious a big ol shake by the ‘shoulders’ and saying “YOU DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD”.
          via meditation.

          1. paddlepickle +2

            Also, not sure if they’ll have any where you live, but I’ve found a bi-weekly meditation group targeted to 20-30 year olds where we sit for 20 minutes then discuss a buddhist text and how it relates to our lives, as well a talking about our meditation practice overall, and it’s SO helpful. I’d recommend seeing if there’s anything like that near you!

      5. jenavira +3

        Moving meditation is totally a thing! I hate sitting meditation, but walking meditation is great.

      6. MilesofMountain +3

        It sounds like maybe moving meditation is a good option for you! If the dancing doesn’t work out, a church in my hometown had a “meditation maze” which was a brick spiral pathway that people would walk while meditating. Maybe there’s one close to you that you could try out.

        1. dancingcrowdesigns +1

          I used to do a stall cleaning meditation. Horses. They poop, i pick it up, it goes on forever… It was soothing.

      7. Rรคven +3

        Meditation! Oy, I want it so much and it’s so hard. But there is such a variety of experience and approach; it’s really worth looking around your town or the internet til you find something that doesn’t make you want to snicker or slap someome. I find that I drift and forget what I’m doing without a fairly structured talk, but I can’t abide a lot of the hippy-dippy guides/gurus, and even I have found a lot of options. (I have unexpectedly had the best results with weird guided visualizations, which I would Not Have Expected. And with more religious communities which, Ditto, because I’m not.) I’ve recommended Headspace.com (subscription, secular, English people) to others; personally I’ve found I like going to a place because I’m bad at remembering to do a podcast/app. A ton of places have drop-in introductions that you can try out, plus of course The Entire Internet.

        1. AlisonB +1

          thanks for advice. Any particular guided stuff you’d recommend at all? or is that the Headspace.com thing?

          1. Rรคven +3

            For guided meditations vs not, I’ve noticed that more in person. Like, I went to an intro session by a zen priest where she just said ‘sit very still, moving is disrespectful’ and dumped us into a 20 minute meditation with no prep. Ouch. (It was “introductory” because advanced folks do this for days.) Or, there is ‘breathing meditation’ where one tip is, in the silence, to count your breaths til ten, then start again at one – I get that it’s meant to keep you in the moment, I think it’s probably a really good way to practice calming a busy mind, I like that it’s task-oriented and not touchy-feely. I would think it would be a really good introductory practice. Except I personally have a lot of nervous tics around numbers– so for me, counting to ten is richly distracting and I do a lot of math games and tell stories about the numbers and see if I can do powers of two, three, etc to my breathing tempoโ€ฆ and totally fail to meditate. ๐Ÿ˜‰

            I’ve learned that I do best with someone who will at least pipe back up every few minutes with a reminder to keep on track – at least up til now, with any silent practice that leaves me alone for fifteen minutes, I’m just daydreaming. But even a gentle reminder to draw myself back to the moment is helpful for me. I think you just have to find someone (wish it was easier!) who doesn’t raise your hackles.

            re: headspace, I’m sure there are other things just like this but: I like that it’s an app on your phone with a 10-minute option, because I think that’s a good amount to be able to commit to regularly. It has a little starting ritual that’s the same daily, then like one new thought or idea or question (they’re in sequenced packs of maybe ten per theme), a short quiet time and a winddown. It just feels like a practical tool for starting a habit, it doesn’t assume that you know how to meditate, and it isn’t just repeating the exact same soundtrack every day, it’s small advancing steps, so I feel like there’s a reason to check back in.

    8. haliegirl +3

      I’ve been doing a lot more exercising. My friend talked me into getting the Zombies Run app and it’s amazing and has motivated me to go walking/jogging for 7 or the last 10 days.
      I’ve also been trying to eat better and take more time to relax and read before going to bed.

      1. houblonchouffe +2

        Awesome! MrChouffe is quite motivating for me–he cooks dinner while I treadmill–but I’ve heard really good stuff about the Zombies Run app. Well done!

    9. Eris +6

      I reconnected with a friend I haven’t talked to in nearly a year. I’ve also discovered ways to indulge my sweet tooth without going overboard (the local bubble tea place can make slushes that are profoundly less sugary than the ones at Sonic).

      I’ve bought a white board and stuck it to my fridge, with a checklist of things to do for the week (go walking 4 times, study 5 times, etc). Thing is, I’ve also included things like “make tea 3 times” and “go out somewhere fun at least once” on the list, so I don’t forget to take care of myself. I like it so far.

    10. hawthorn_tree +9

      I’ve been lighting candles most nights lately. Seeing tiny contained flames as I clean or mess around on the internet is so comforting.

    11. laurenipsum +7

      I got Burt’s Bees lemon butter cuticle cream and I am moisturizing the hell out of my cuticles. It seems to be helping reduce the overall gnawability of my fingers.

      Other than that, last week I was alone visiting my folks and this week my in-laws are in town, so I am mostly just trying to stay sane and hoping my husband is doing the same.

      1. houblonchouffe +2

        Let me know how that works! My fingers are… not good (I peel my cuticles and surrounding skin) and am always up for a new balm.

        1. laurenipsum +2

          It’s going OK so far! It’s been a few weeks and I use it every night if I remember, or every few days if not. It helped me make it through a trip to Reno (higher altitude than I’m used to, plus very dry compared to the Pacific Northwest) without any skin cracking and bleeding, so I count that as a win.

    12. Bryn (Plus Others) +9

      I am spending time on the open thread! It counts!

      Otherwise it has not been a good while for self-care, too much parenting and too much chores and not enough time. But once I get the vitally necessary dishes and laundry done I am going to flee the house and go sit at a cafe with my laptop and finish rereading Maggie Stiefvater’s _The Dream Thieves_ so I am prepared for the new book in the series, and I will eat a grilled pork sandwich and drink Vietnamese coffee and there will be NO COMEUPPANCE.

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

          I was being a little tongue in cheek, but you know, after an hour of open thread I ended up SO full of energy I got laundry started and some dishes done, and now I am in fact out at the cafe getting some word-making work done and everyone in the system is like ‘Oh right Bryn is an extrovert remember that’ because for lots of other people self-care is sitting somewhere quiet listening to rain and drinking tea and all of that, but I want to talk (and listen) to OTHER PEOPLE.

    13. blushingflower +3

      I have a two-week business trip to Florida planned, which means sunshine and fresh air., and I am spending the weekend at the beach. I am also hoping to implement good habits while I am there (e.g. no devices at bedtime). My personal phone is broken right now, which sucks, but it means that I am spending my commuting time actually reading instead of playing games on it (or reading twitter, which makes me sad).
      I have been trying to quit soda, and it is going reasonably well, except that nothing kills a bad headache for me faster than a Coke. I have allowed myself soda for medicinal purposes; I find that I am averaging about 1/week, which while not nothing, is certainly not the quantities I drank at one point (we have free soda fountains in our office).
      I am using Habit RPG and have a good streak going. I have flossed every day since my dentist’s appointment last week!
      I also bought myself new bras; I buy mine via amazon and my shopping history tells me the last time I bought new bras was at least 2 years ago, so it was time (and I needed to make sure I had a nude one and a black one for aforementioned business trip).

        1. blushingflower +1

          I do not think I have treated my teeth this well since I broke up with the boy whose father was a dentist (and thus had impeccable oral hygiene, which made me self-conscious about mine)

    14. Vera_Knoop +8

      So many things! This is on my mind because I’m planning to get pregnant this spring, and we met with a midwife to talk about what to do/not to do in the months leading up to it, and she basically said that the worst thing for fertility is stress. So I am now determined to reduce my stress, which, if you knew me in person, would make you laugh a lot, because I am basically a chihuahua in a human woman’s body.
      So, besides taking prenatal vitamins: walking in the park as often as possible, hot baths with essential oils (peppermint and eucalyptus are so good in this weather), reading actual books made of paper, preparing my lesson plans in advance so that the semester will be as easy as possible, cutting back on caffeine and alcohol, knitting, playing guitar, and mindfulness meditation. I need to do more intense exercise, too, but I seem to be extra prone to joint injuries for reasons I have not yet figured out, so I’m being very careful with that.
      Then there’s the category of self-care things that stress me out really badly but not doing them stresses me out even more. Like doctors’ appointments. Yes, I am one of those people; please don’t yell at me about it because my partner has that covered.

        1. Vera_Knoop +3

          I am excited! And terrified, possibly even beyond what is usual! But terror is just another flavor of excitement, right?

    15. rkfire +4

      I’ve been trying out some things this month, some of which have been successful, some of which have not:
      -eating breakfast every day: was going strong for two weeks, then fell off the wagon last week bc of work stress, but trying to do it again
      -eating more and more varied vegetables: kind of okay
      -not drinking until my bday (mid-March) which got amended to okay, just drinking on the weekends and only things I actually enjoy. (sometimes I will just make myself drink beer in an effort to not waste it, which.. >.<)
      -reading more! this has been successful.
      -recently started: 10 minutes of activity a day, even when I’m not lifting. I’m trying to use this as an opportunity to do some brief conditioning/HIIT work or do some accessory stuff (like side planks, my nemesis) to help with my lifts.
      -recently started: 10 minutes of stretching/yoga

      So this is a lot–maybe too much–but I’m trying not to stress out too much when I don’t do one of these things during a given day. There’s always tomorrow, etc.

      1. houblonchouffe +2

        Moderation in all things. That’s a lot to do all at once if they’re all new things! Cut yourself some slack–you’ll find the right balance for yourself.

    16. super_novice +2

      walking my dog, eating delicious breakfast everyday, and telling my friends funny jokes.

    17. houblonchouffe +5

      Also:
      –Did my taxes
      –Ordered a giant box of soaps and shampoo and hair henna from Lush, and it should arrive todayyyyyyy OMG

      1. ladyimogen +3

        Doing my taxes always feels like such a wonderful way to spend the evening. I get to answer questions to which I have the answers, and at the end I get lots of money. I was legitimately excited to kick back and relax with H&R Block this week.

        1. houblonchouffe +2

          YES. I always look forward to it, which I’ve been told is weird. Eh, well, whatever. We know what’s up.

    18. jenavira +1

      I’ve been writing every day and working out every day. I’m astounded at how much I want to keep doing both, now I’m in the habit of it.

  7. sednarea51 +24

    SUP TOASTIES. I visited the cupcake truck earlier this morning and now I have a French toast flavored cupcake on my desk awaiting the perfect moment for noms. OM NOM NOM.
    It is supposed to snow/sleet tonight! What are your favorite things to do during winter storms? I love to cook- I think I might make myself s’mores and boozy hot chocolate and curl up with The Last Unicorn this weekend. You?

    1. houblonchouffe +4

      Ooooo that sounds AMAZING.

      I am a big fan of fireplace, cat snuggles, hot drinks/excessive wine, books x 5, warm socks.

        1. houblonchouffe +6

          omg you’re my first ever person who wants my newsletter

          /wipes tiny tear, is honored

          1. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

            But but but how could anyone NOT want the newsletter if those are the contents? I mean, books x 5! We are clearly from the same planet, the planet where JUST ONE BOOK is vastly insufficient.

          3. SarcasticFringehead +5

            A couple years ago, I mentioned to the now-ex mr. Fringehead that I needed more bookshelves, and he said “or you could get rid of some books?”

            Looking back now, it was clearly not destined to last.

          4. houblonchouffe +2

            What? no. No way.

            A huge selling point of our home is that it’s got a whole room (originally the master bedroom) that has three full walls of built-in bookshelves. They’re… mostly full right now.

      1. sednarea51 +7

        Ahh, thank you! This way I do get to glance smolderingly at the little bag on my shelf and murmur “soon, my darling. Soon.”

    3. longlostlullaby +2

      Cupcake trucks! I miss cupcake trucks. If anyone is reading this in Boston and hasn’t been to Kickass Cupcakes or the super convenient Kickass Cupcakes truck, you should rectify the situation immediately.

    5. Rachel8489 +4

      I have supplies for baking brownies, so I think that’s going to happen. And lots of Netflix!

    6. jenavira +2

      It’s supposed to snow on Sunday here, so I am planning on making a pot of tea, baking a loaf of thyme bread (aka the best bread, excellent with honey), and curling up with my stack of library books. Mmmm snow.

  8. meetapossum +10

    Only 8 days of Drynuary left! How’s everyone doing? I’ve lost like 7 pounds even though I’ve been eating like crap, so I’m a little wary about drinking again.

    I’m also here to talk about the American Horror Story: Freak Show finale.

    1. houblonchouffe +2

      7 pounds?! Okay. That actually totally cements my less-boozing thing. I figured out yesterday that by going from 1 bottle red wine/night to 1 glass red wine/night (or, like, 2-3 vodka-sodas) that I will cut 500+ calories every day without even trying, and since I’m going to be sausaging myself into a girdle for the stupid wedding I may as well make that process as painless as possible right

      /weeps quietly in the corner

      1. meetapossum +2

        Dude, it’s crazy. I mean, granted I am (was?) at my heaviest ever, it has been quite nice. Can’t go back to drinking 4+ beers while hanging out with friends. Womp womp.

        But truthfully I’ve been missing wine and cocktails the most, so for the best perhaps. I’m just not *great* at moderation, so it’ll take some mighty will power in February.

        1. houblonchouffe +2

          I have confidence in you! I am also at my heaviest ever (eep) so I can totally feel you there. There are excellent cocktail choices that aren’t very calorie-y, so it’s all good!

        1. laurenipsum +4

          This has been very difficult for me to overcome. I tried getting some tasty teas but I just put a big ol spoon of honey in them so … it’s a wash.

      2. cait0716 +10

        I have lost 0 pounds since replacing 2-3 glass of wine per night with 45 minutes on the exercise bike, and I’m really mad about it

    3. Girl Named Jack +3

      I lost a couple pounds, not really significant for me, but I am sleeping SO much better and snoring less. So I’m calling it a win.

    4. m98widow +2

      I am still chugging along for Drynuary, but seem to have been replacing all of my alcohol calories with carbs. I was a little jealous of my boyfriend’s beer last night but I powered through! Since I have plans on Jan 31st, I’m debating ending just a teeny bit early but we will see. (To be fair, I did go to bed at like 10 PM on New Year’s Eve, so maybe I can start drinking at 10 on the 31st?)

      1. meetapossum +2

        Totally allowed to end a day early! I think 30 days is good enough. I also say this because I didn’t start until January 2nd, and I fully intend on drinking on February 1st. (I was in New Orleans on January 1st so there was no way I wasn’t going to drink.)

    5. elsamac +2

      I’m also here to talk about the American Horror Story: Freak Show finale.

      YES PLEASE I would like to hear what you thought of it.

      I’ve been reviewing AHS for The A.V. Club, which means the finale was also my last night of starting to write at 11:15 p.m. or whenever the show decides to end any given week, so I am just thrilled it’s over. (That sounds harsher than it’s intended, but those meandering end-times for broadcast are a surprisingly big part of the overall crushing effect of writing live reviews.)

      My feelings about the finale are a matter of record.

      1. meetapossum +2

        Oh my gosh! After the finale I literally said to my friend, “I can’t wait to read what the AV Club has to say about this.” I did not know the author was you!

        I thought it was a decent finale, and overall the season was way better than Coven. I felt emotionally connected to a lot of the characters. (Pepper’s episode! I cared that the freaks died!) Dandy was a great villain and I enjoyed every minute Finn Wittrock was on screen, but I too was confused by the mass murder of the freaks. I was also happy to hear Wes Bentley’s English accent again, which always reminds me of Alastair Sim.

        However, I was SO ANGRY at Elsa’s happy ending. I understand it was a swan song for Jessica Lange, but why?? Elsa was far less sympathetic than say, Sister Jude, and she never got punished for any of it. It just left me feeling furious. Why does she deserve to live (die?) happily ever after?

        Also, until I read the comments, I totally forgot about Dandy’s psychologist/psychiatrist. I thought the reveal would be that he was Massimo, but Elsa just happens to randomly find him instead? So weird.

        1. elsamac +1

          I’ve only been reviewing it for AVC for the last ~half of this season, and it’s been fun/torturous. AHS famously grinds down reviewers, as (my former editor) Todd VanDerWerff’s increasingly loopy and even intentionally histrionic reviews indicated quite frankly in previous seasons.

          Partly it’s the show itself, which is such a sloppy, unstructured explosion of images and petered-out story lines. Partly it’s that there is so much to say that I could write all night until dawn and still not say it all. I was also angry at Elsa’s happy ending, and I’m not sure I even touch on that anger in my reviewโ€ฆ

          โ€ฆ because it felt frankly irrelevant to me. The show was always going to give her a happy ending, it was never going to punish her for her many transgressions or even face them head-on. That’s part of what makes it to infuriating: the show has enormous sympathy for its handful of central characters, but it insufficiently conveys that sympathy to the audience. Telling us to care about these characters isn’t enough; you have to make us care and hope for their happiness.

          But I’ll be damned if I didn’t get goosebumps despite my anger and annoyance, despite how predictable it all was. AHS manipulates my emotions so nakedly that it makes me furious, but it does manipulate them effectively.

          I thought the reveal would be that he was Massimo, but Elsa just happens to randomly find him instead?

          Yeeeeah, I even touched on that in last week’s review: Massimo, Elsa’s Geppeto of sorts, says he’s been searching for her for years, maybe decades, and he just happened to find her the day that one of her performers needs prosthetic hands? SUPER CONVENIENT, EH?

          (I have not read the comments. Between recovering from the flu, a heavy work load, and a little backlash over an unrelated piece of writing, I decided the best thing for my state of mind is to stay out of comments sections everywhere but here for a week or two.)

    6. soylouisebrooks +1

      I broke it on a terrible OKC date on Friday with a beer, and then had a couple of cocktails on Saturday night. My theory has been confirmed: alcohol makes me feel unattractive, unoriginal, and depressed, and I get hangovers from NOTHING. I think I’m just going to make it dry forever.

      Kudos to all those of you who are still going!!

  9. anninyn +27

    Friday Cat Thread!

    Winter is mean to my baby cats – and to me. Bonny does what we all wish we could do when it’s snowy out.

    They both got their booster shots and their health check last saturday. No surprises, but the vet told us Anne was fat.

    Like we could miss it.

    Look at that chubby little kitty.

    2. KatPruska +6

      I also have a chunkernaut of a tuxedo lady. What IS it with them? I wish to squeeze this photo.

      1. anninyn +6

        Sadly, Anne doesn’t like to be squeezed as much as I like to squeeze her. She likes, instead, to put her front half on your leg and have you fondle her ears.

    3. MilesofMountain +36

      Pictured: Moxie attempting to make friends with a moose. He was watching her browse and purring madly, then when I walked up he started begging to be let out. I didn’t let him out, I’m pretty sure she could stomp him and not even notice. Sadly, we will never know what kind of beautiful friendship they could have had.

        2. MilesofMountain +11

          She actually came back two days in a row, so maybe his feelings were reciprocated! I am a mean mean owner

        1. MilesofMountain +7

          She’s eating the crabapples off the tree, and in the process ripping branches down. The poor tree looks a little sparse on the bottom now.

    5. aravisthequeen +7

      My cats have been better this week! Toffee has calmed down a bit, thougg she still hisses at her sister when she’s startled or they’re playing too rough. She’s been sneezing too so I was wondering if she had a bit of a cold making her irritable.

      I would like to have my sweet chill kittens back but I suppose I can live with one being a grumpy once or twice a day if I must.

    6. dakimel +17

      Patrick treating me like a stationary warm object, since the sun refuses to shine and provide him with warmly lit windows these days.

    7. haliegirl +14

      Oliver has been dealing with cold mornings by jumping off the bed as soon as he hears the heater kick on and sitting with his little cat butt right up against the register. It is adorable.

      1. elsajeni +6

        I used to use a space heater in my bedroom, the kind that looks like a tiny radiator, and every morning I would wake up to find my cat lying under the heater, with as much of her body crammed into the ~3 inches of clearance between heater and floor as she could manage without quiiiiiite touching the coil.

    8. AlisonB +2

      such a look of deep suspicion on the first cat’s little face! (in fact just eyes)
      Is he thinking “you’re not gonna take me for any more achey shots now are you…?”

      1. anninyn +2

        She was very good in the vets. She kept pressing herself against me and giving me the ‘whyy?’ face though, so I can easily believe she’s still sulking in that picture.

          1. anninyn +1

            I’m sure she won’t be offended.

            She only gets offended when I accidentally call her by her sisters name.

    9. m98widow +10

      Both of my stupid cats ran out the front door while my boyfriend was coming in the other day and he had to spend like an hour chasing them down. The Siamese got all poofy and pretended she had no idea who he was every time he came close, and Gus just meowed quietly in the bushes until he was rescued.

      And then Gus ran out on Wednesday night when I came home and I didn’t even notice for about an hour – I finally realized that I had been in the kitchen for far too long without him begging me for food and realized he must have gotten out. I woke up my boyfriend, got all bundled up again, and opened the door to find him sitting on the front steps.

      WHY. WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO OUTSIDE. It is freezing out there, there are no canned cat food trees, and no wild scratching posts. There is nothing for you out there, cats.

    10. kilks401 +16

      First time I’ve ever had a cat. GF is moving in and we got a cat today from the Humane Society.

      Blueberry Spicehead is a very curious cat and so far pretty friendly, given she’s lived in my apartment for like an hour.

        1. kilks401 +7

          She definitely has a mustache, but is far more Mr. Potato Head mustache than Hitler stache. I am thinking of shaving so I have a mustache and taking a picture with her, just cause.

  10. sausagedog +10

    In honor of the Mountain Goats coming out with new stuff ( https://soundcloud.com/mergerecords/the-mountain-… ) what songs have been making you Feel Things lately?

    I’ve been on a kick with new albums by bands I liked in middle school. Jet Pack Blues by Fall Out Boy and Collar Full by Panic! At The Disco are mine. Partly because of the songs in themselves, partly because my best-friend-who-lives-in-another-state independently decided those were her favorites off their new albums, too, showing that sisterhood transcends the boundaries of space. And I miss her.

    1. paddlepickle +8

      Alexi Murdoch has been making me feel all the things lately, in the best way. I put on ‘Orange Sky” “All My Days” and “It’s Only Fear” and suddenly the world is beautiful and calm but still a little sad and everything will be OK. Same deal with “Change of Time” by Josh Ritter. I’m also now obsessed with doing a walking tour in the UK because Alexi Murdoch makes me want to stand alone on a gray plain thinking romantic thoughts.

      1. catoclock +8

        I love Josh Ritter with an uncontrollable burning passion. For maximum feelings, I like Gregory Alan Isakov, esp 3 AM. (I saw them play together once and pretty much almost died)

        1. houblonchouffe +6

          OMG JOSH RITTER OMG

          I have his autograph and he said I was pretty

          /still weeping in the corner

          1. catoclock +3

            A few years ago my boyfriend and I went to a book signing event he did, and he gave me a hug and signed the book “To catoclock and boyfriend, you guys look great together!”

            This is why we will never break up.

          2. paddlepickle +5

            Are you a ghost? I’m pretty sure if Josh Ritter told me I was pretty I would die on the spot so I have trouble believing that you are alive.

          3. houblonchouffe +5

            I bought a book of his sheet music at a show in Ann Arbor in, like, 2007-8-ish, and asked him to sign it, and he inscribed: “To [my actual name, which is unusual and hard to spell): you’re as beautiful as your name!” and I was dead last in line for autographs and he HUGGED ME and he is an amazing hugger and basically yeah, dead, so.

          4. deleted7410012 +8

            oh my god

            one time i saw josh ritter in a tiny concert at a swedish church assembly hall and he replaced one of his verses with a verse from “tower of song” by leonard cohen and i woo’d very loudly. i ran into him outside later and he said “hey, the cohen fan!” and i blubbered out “youโ€”greatโ€”that was really amazing.”

          5. catoclock +5

            Everybody’s adorable Josh Ritter stories are just further proof that he is a perfect human.

        2. paddlepickle +3

          Oooh I have not heard of Gregory Alan Isakov, thanks for the rec! My other major Josh Ritter Feels Song is the Temptation of Adam– I try to cover it on my guitar a lot but I frequently have to stop because I start crying.

        3. paddlepickle +2

          Update: Listening to Gregory Alan Isakov and there are just too many feels, I am broken. Feels-out. And I’m going to be riding a TRAIN later tonight, possibly with a river view. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO.

    2. BourneApprox +8

      New Mountain Goats stuff?!?! :O ๐Ÿ˜€ :3 *Runs to hear!!!*

      New Sleater Kinney here, unsurprisingly for a Toastandrist. It fucking rocks, and it was difficult to not angrily nod my head along with the music in my lab yesterday.

    3. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      I have only ever heard one song by The Mountain Goats but it is a favourite and we listen to it all the time, so I am SUPER GLAD that they, like, still exist and are making new music and stuff!

      We are terrible at new music (see comments upthread), but I really like “Already Home” by A Great Big World. And we are listening to lots of Laurie Anderson and Sarah McLachlan right now because our formative music years were the mid-80s and then the early-mid 90s. Sigh. ๐Ÿ™‚

      1. GreenGrasses +5

        If you’ve got a tumblr, do yourself a favor and follow John Darnielle. Even if you are not a hxc fan, you will love him and his delightful obsession with 90s wrestling and 80s everything else.

        1. deleted7410012 +1

          my favorite ever was when he tweeted the following:

          “dance like lots of people are watching and thinking about how you’re so hot they can’t even stand it and it’s about to make them cry”

    4. ramina +3

      I knew that FOB leaked their new album, but I haven’t listened yet – worth it, I assume?? (I’ve had two separate people tell me to listen to Uma Thurman, so I think I will.)

      (You’re another former emo kid yeah? I feel like we may have had this conversation before!)

      1. sausagedog +2

        Hahaha I do think we always comment on each others’ music posts ย ๐Ÿ™‚ long live pop punk!

        I um… actually don’t love the new FOB album. I have been having a lot of talks about this with my music pals and we’ve all come to the conclusion that, while there are bright spots, the album is fairly inconsistent. I love Jet Pack Blues and Irresistible very, very much, so it’s not a total wash! But for the first time in a while I’m not going to buy the whole album. Just the songs I liked. Can’t win ’em all.

        1. ramina +1

          The only person that has raved about it to me thus far is a die-hard FOB fan, so I don’t know if I can fully take her word for it, you know? If it’s still up on Youtube, I’ll give it a listen before committing to anything. I liked Save Rock and Roll okay, but *kanye shrug*

    5. jenavira +1

      I’ve been listening to John Gorka and Bastille (and re-reading the Silmarillion, these things are surprisingly connected) and Feeling Things all over the place. But now that I know there is new Mountain Goats I will be listening to that at work this afternoon.

  11. elenapalmer +38

    I got my first real assignment at work today! If I can do it, it will make me look great to a lot of people!

    …the first step is code analysis. The code is not documented at all. After an hour, I found a single semi-documented function in a class that was otherwise undocumented.

    I’m slogging through, but my mental dialogue has gone from “I’m an okay person, I feel like asking for documentation wouldn’t be unreasonable” to “I’M A BEAUTIFUL ANGEL AND I’VE NEVER HARMED OR EVEN BEEN MEAN TO ANYONE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND NO ONE DESERVES THIS LESS THAN ME EXCEPT POSSIBLY A NEWBORN.”

    So, you know, a productive Friday. Dear other coders: let’s talk about documentation.

    1. alicia +1

      Not a coder, but I’m often the one reading that documentation while troubleshooting. My very favorite work-thing is when coders put something silly in documentation, it seriously makes my whole day. As an example, sometimes the logs I review will show “error 33” which when I cross-check some outside documentation shows me:

      33 – Generic Error Code

      This is the default error code when no more specific code is defined, it will be seen primarily when a loading error has occured. At the top of the error window should be a title that more clearly defines what didn’t load, i.e., Menu XML Fail for when the menu xml doesn’t load. Why this is numbered “33” is a mystery.

      1. elenapalmer +12

        lol that’s great. I try to scrub my code of silly stuff before I send it to anyone else, because I’m pretty young and Want To Be Taken Seriously or whatever, but I have 100% had people be like “so the server logs show that you sent this query 10 times, starting with “test” and ending with “please God work I have a life to live””.

        1. tinypaperme +1

          I love amusing myself at work like that. Once our hourly asked me to send something to the color printer because he couldn’t get it to print and wanted to know if it was the printer or his connection. I sent a particularly explicit eecard and he showed up at my door three minutes later with a half-amused, half-terrified look on his face and the printout in his hand.

          (Obvs. this is not a story about code, but sometimes ya just gotta let it all out, yanno?)

    2. robot_dinosaur +11

      If you write your code well enough, it should need very little documentation! Except no one writes their code that well; all code is essentially garbage and I don’t even know what I wrote yesterday; what are these datatypes; why do I have to convert this date three times to get what I want

      1. elenapalmer +6

        Oh God, EXACTLY. “I’ll definitely remember why I’m calling this function from another package in 3 weeks!” *3 weeks pass* *I remember nothing* *I grow old trying to decode my past intentions*

    3. effableobject +2

      I am awful at documenting my work and I am very sorry about it. Former Coworker actually did a decent job documenting individual components of his code, but nothing about how it all fits together and why I can’t add things without getting processing failures.

      1. elenapalmer +2

        I was very lucky in that I went to a school with a lot of profs who’d just fail you if you didn’t document appropriately, and one class where that was the rule was also one where we were specifically learning to stick our code in multiple packages, etc. So I got into the habit a bit, but in the wild, I’m as imperfect as everyone else. Most people acknowledge documentation is important! But unfortunately, life happens, human error gets in the way, etc.

    4. Absotively +2

      Best (worst) comment I’ve encountered recently, paraphrased:

      “Details of the design rationale in [file that was never checked into version control].” Blame says this comment dates to shortly after my company started using version control, so there was probably some network share where folks at the time would have known that things like this could be found, but that’s no help to me now.

      Currently, I’m dealing with some code that does a thing and I need to know why. It has a comment, but the comment basically says “do a thing”.

    5. mmsees +9

      I was modifying some really old analysis code written by my PI a couple months ago and the only documentation was a note saying “This is a terrible solution, fix soon”. The note was from 6 years ago. Old code is the worst.

    6. Rรคven +3

      Reluctant praise from a former intern: “Yeah, you were really, really strict about that. Most people don’t do that. …..But now I do.”

  12. hugpunch +48

    Toast – it turns out starting a new workout regimen AND taking on a 30-day sex-every-day challenge is….exhausting. I can hardly lift my arms to type, my life is truly charmed!

      1. hugpunch +8

        Yes, it is a thing! I’m sure there are a million variations, but we’re using one that outlines what to do each day. Pretty easy, like “Normal sex!” followed by “Shower sex!” and then “Focus on foreplay” and stuff like that. It’s actually hilarious; my partner and I just laugh and laugh during the day about What’s On The Calendar Today?

        1. AlisonB +3

          haha amazing. Where do you get the calendar from? not easy for me to do it as I’m not living with my significant other but we’re gonna move in later this year…so maybe I can try it then.

          1. hugpunch +4

            I found it attached to a tweet that was sort of making fun of it, but I thought it was a fun idea. Just look one up online, I’m sure all the ladymags have their own version. And yay for moving in! That’s exciting!

  13. longlostlullaby +6

    This week I read Nemesis by Phillip Roth. It was mercifully short and incredibly dull, which is not a word I have ever associated with Roth (who I do generally enjoy) before. It’s about a Jewish neighborhood in Newark being hit by polio in 1944 and I thought, sure, I don’t really know anything concrete about polio. Just iron lungs and FDR in a wheelchair. But the book reads like a polio pamphlet you’d get at a doctor’s office. The dialogue is tedious and unrealistic and the characters are all wholesomely boring people who have never heard or told a joke in their fictional lives. It’s so stilted that I thought about borrowing the book again just to share a selection but my library just went and ordered about 7 of my recommended books so now I’m at my 10 book limit, and I’m not dumping any of those for Phillip Roth. What I find most frustrating though is that I went online assuming I’d be able to find some negative reviews of the book and I couldn’t! I can’t tell if all of these literary critics esteem Roth too highly to criticize anything he writes or hate all of his previous work and enjoy that this is a departure regardless of the actual quality or just really, really love books that read like the script to a 1950s film strip about the dangers of polio and why this newfangled vaccination is so important. So I’m turning to the Toast to see if anyone else has read Nemesis and wants to confirm with me that yes, it is terrible.

    1. YoungLeafedJune +5

      I haven’t read it but my belief in Phillip Roth’s shittyness as writer (usually) and person (always) is strong. So yes, it is terrible.

    2. annieleeroth +2

      Maybe I’m just a masochist, but I really want to read it now! I’ll post in another open thread about it if I manage to get a copy from the library this weekend.

      1. longlostlullaby +1

        If you do, it’s pretty short so you shouldn’t suffer long. I read it in two days. The part that I thought about copying down before I returned the book (and regretted not getting down later) came from the epilogue-type part, but really, you will be spoiled for choices when it comes to stilted dialogue.

  14. gallimaufry_ +4

    Any toastrons have natural skincare ideas they’d like to share?

    I have occasional bouts of something eczema-like, and I have been left with a number of v dry patches of skin on my legs after the last one that I just can’t seem to clear up. I’ve tried all sorts of shop-bought moisturisers and lotions, and even prescription steroid cream, but nothing seems to work. Someone mentioned manuka honey to me – has anyone tried that?

    1. deleted7410012 +3

      i deal with the same thing. it comes and goes, usually depending on the weather and how stressed i am. i’m not sure if it’s eczema or psoriasis or something like that, but it’s…dry. steroid cream kind of scares me frankly, because you pretty much have to use it indefinitely and if you stop using it, your skin problems can come back three times worse.

      the only thing that i can think that actually work is that i ditched my usual body wash and tried out dr. bronners, a castille soap. it seems to be a lot more gentle on my skin. that, and no matter how much i want to take scalding hot showers when it’s cold outside, i try to keep things just…warm-to-hot, not burn-y.

      1. gallimaufry_ +1

        Oh man, that makes so much sense about warm-to-hot showers. I have always been a lover of scalding water. This could be a challenge!

        I put off using steroid cream for years for that exact reason, and when I finally caved and used it, it didn’t even work, so.

      2. steelyglints +1

        I wish I’d know this about steroid creams! I put it on the tip of my nose for like 2 years cuz it was always peeling and when my doctor suggested maybe I try not doing that my skin practically fell off. It was super unattractive and like right in the front of my face. It’s finally sorta under control if i make sure to keep aquaphor on it at all times. So I guess my recommendation would be get some aquaphor!

    2. projectbeks +7

      LET ME PREACH TO YOU THE WONDERS OF OATMEAL. Okay, so obviously everyone makes oatmeal products, but let me tell you first hand how amazing a giant tub of Quaker Oats oatmeal can be.
      Fair warning: This process is a mess. You will hate cleaning up after it. BUT. It is worth it, and if it does not work, you can make mountains of oatmeal cookies/other baked goods with the leftovers.
      So. What I do, depending on the body part that needs the extra love, is either use a bucket-like thing (basin, pot from the kitchen, whatever), or use the bathtub. Basically what you’re going to do is heat up some water, add a ton of oatmeal (as much as you deem necessary, watch it start to do it’s magical frothy dance in said hot water, and then soak yourself in it. Oatmeal baths are particularly luxurious, and great for that all-over dry/itchy feeling. Other beneficial uses of oatmeal baths include: treating chicken pox, measles, mosquito bites, and even sunburn.
      Anyway, I’d give it a go. If you use a pot, you won’t have as much to clean up, and can spot treat your legs rather than immerse your whole body. Good luck!

        1. CleverManka +5

          If you can get your hands on colloidal oatmeal, even better. If you’re lucky, you might even be able to find some at your local Walgreen’s or CVS (or their equivalent if you’re not in the States) so you don’t have to make your own like a dirty fucking hippie.

      2. pamplemoussi +2

        I do this quite often for my dry scaly (ugh) legs, and it always makes me remember how much I love oatmeal and eat it for multiple breakfasts after.

      4. citystillbreath +1

        I remember oatmeal baths I had as a child with chicken pox – probably my first introduction to self care! — and WOW. definitely amazing.

    3. GreenGrasses +4

      Honey is a really good moisturizer! I use it on my face all the time during the winter. However, I don’t think it’s going to be stronger than the stuff you already mentioned.

      My current miracle product is Ro’s Argan Body Conditioner from Lush. You put it on at the end of your shower, bask in the nice feeling and good smell for a second, then rinse it off. When you towel yourself dry you are heavenly soft and silky! You may be able to dab it on your trouble spots and leave it on a bit longer for extra moisture?

      3. FrancesGnome +1

        I like Buffy body butter from Lush too because it exfoliates, which is helpful for my eczema-like issues as well.

      1. gallimaufry_ +2

        I’ve only ever used oatmeal for, well, eating, but I loved pjwren’s idea above. I will look out for commercial versions too. Thanks!

    5. annesedney +6

      Have you tried coconut oil? I use it for a general body moisturizer, and last time my boyfriend had a psoriasis outbreak I got him to try it and it helped a lot!
      Another really good moisturizer is pure aloe vera.

      1. gallimaufry_ +2

        I’ve never used oil directly on my skin, only ever in baths or in my hair, but maybe that’s where I need to level up to? Thanks for the suggestion!

      2. peppermint_tea +2

        Coconut oil is amazing, I’ve been using it it for my poor super dry hands and now they are so soft and smell like coconuts!

      3. super_novice +2

        thirding this! coconut oil is the BOMB for eczema. I get eczema on my face that i combat with coconut oil (like three times a day) and it always cures that shit.

    6. Rillquiet +2

      Sweet almond oil, available at Whole Foods, with a few drops of lavender oil in it is my go-to. I pat dry after the shower and then smear on a small amount of oil onto the still-damp skin. Not perfect (extremely slippery!), but it’s doing better for me than lotions do.

      1. gallimaufry_ +1

        It seems like oil is the next logical step for me, since the other things aren’t working out. Sweet almond with lavender sounds like it would smell pretty heavenly!

        1. spring chickens +2

          yeah! jojoba oil or argan oil can be nice too, depending on what you need. there are websites that explain the different benefits.

    7. hannahhdg +8

      %100 pure shea butter. Lots of lotions today contain shea butter, but don’t go for that crap. Go to the source and get the pure shit. It’s the only thing that helps with my eczema induced dry skin.

      1. alicia +2

        Seconding! I use argan oil as an everyday moisturizer, but the 100% shea butter I got from the sweet African lady who sells it at the farmer’s market is like a miracle cure.

    8. Girl Named Jack +10

      I used to struggle with dry patches and angry red patches, and then… god, it sounds so gross, I kind of stopped using soap? I mean, I still use soap on my stinky bits, but arms and legs and torso (and face) no longer get soapy in the shower. Unless, you know, I have actual hunks of dirt on them from gardening or what have you. I just run a clean washcloth over myself the rest of the time. The dry patches are gone and so is my acne. It didn’t happen overnight though.

      Ugh, when did I become THAT person. Sorry. I’ll show myself out.

      1. deleted7410012 +3

        it sounds like you are still cleaning yourself, so no shame!

        a lot of soap is really harsh and strips skin of its natural oils. for some of us, it’s just too much and causes more harm than good. my skin has been a lot happier since i switched to castille soap.

    9. robotneedslove +5

      More oil in your diet!

      Fish oils, omega-3s, etc. I take evening primrose oil to control my dishydrotic eczema, and it’s the only thing that works. But see your doc before you take it – it’s an estrogen mimic too, I think, and can interact with some drogs.

      1. LeastBittern +3

        When I switched to the health at every size diet, I started eating a lot more oil; my skin cleared up, my hair got soft and shiny, and I stopped fantasizing about taking shots of olive oil after work.

        A second diet thing that make my skin pretty: hella carrots. Carrots every day. Carrots and sweet potatoes and bell peppers; reduced visibility of acne scars, made me look like I was glowing with health.

    10. RoseCamelia +8

      Seconding oatmeal. And cautioning leaning on “natural”. That’s actually a neutral word, neither good nor bad, like “weather”. But advertisers began using it to manipulate consumers in the late 1960s. Just remember, arsenic and earthquakes are natural, too. Natural is not enough when choosing any product.

    11. liminalist +2

      I found great success using grape seed oil on my son’s eczema after we tried every single lotion and moisturizer available. I’d put it in his bath water and basically slather it on the really dry patches. It will grease up your clothes and sheets if you don’t let it absorb first though.

    12. Cricket +3

      I do raw honey masks on the reg and I loooove them. Manuka honey is supposed to be great for skin, but I just use the local raw honey I get through my job. Lately I have also been adding Matcha (green tea) powder to my masks and it’s doing wonders for my skin. I am not sure how it would work for eczema-like symptoms, but it is something you might want to look into. It’s pretty gentle on my skin that normally hates everything. I’m allergic to pm every moisturizer I’ve ever tried (burning sensation, red splotchy patches almost immediately after use), so I’ve switched to using a lavender + witch hazel toner, and then using rosehip seed oil in place of a moisturizer. I’ve been doing this routine for almost a year now and it’s been wonderful for my skin. Rosehip seed oil is a godsend. I had tried almond oil, jojoba and avocado oil prior to that, and none of them worked that great for me despite my friends having good results with them. I hope you find something that works for you and your skin!

    13. aisling

      I tried to read through everyone’s responses so I’m not repeating advice – vitamin e oil is amazing. I put it on my face once a week (I have combination skin, so just put it on the dry patches) and I take some mixed with a little bit of warm water a couple times a week too. Also, I have incredibly dry hands (cracked and sore) and I rub avocado into them, and that works pretty well.

  15. robot_dinosaur +20

    I got tickets to the Night Vale show in Boston and I’m SO PLEASED. Current mood: mostly void, partially stars.

    1. fishesinthetwee +3

      I was taking a meditation course and the teacher asked us to describe our moods in terms of the weather? “Oh, I’m overcast today, but it’ll clear up later, you know,” kind of stuff. VERY DIFFICULT not to reply with WTNV weather. ๐Ÿ˜€

      ditto Boston tickets–it’s such a fun show, and such a fun crowd! Very exciting.

  16. EggyInABasket +6

    Toasties! I know some of you are on Learned League and I was hoping someone here could get me an invite to LL? I was on quiz bowl in high school and I would faithfully participate every day if I did get an invite.

  17. winterbymorning +6

    An unpleasant recent development: for the past 2 weeks, about 3-4 nights a week, the dog in the apartment next door barks constantly and loudly for hours at a time. We’ve been in this apartment for 2 years and have never heard it before, so I don’t know if the dog is a recent acquisition or if its owners have suddenly started leaving it alone overnight and it’s upset about it (I never hear them when the dog is barking, which leads me to think they’re not in). It is, as you can imagine, highly irritating. On two occasions I had to pop a diphenhydramine tablet to knock me out because I could not sleep with all that racket.

    On the bright side, our generally lazy and uncaring building manager has been replaced – hopefully the new one can be prevailed upon to do something about this.

    1. shartbreaker +4

      My (clean, gainfully employed, friendly) front neighbor’s dog does this too, and I finally peeked into his apartment… POOP. EVERYWHERE. I mean I guess this isn’t helpful to you except remember that doggy is much sadder and more poop covered than you. I am just still ulta-surprised and wanna talk poop and sad doggies I guess.

      1. raqueue +1

        Oh, my goodness! Why would someone live like that? And do that to their dog??

        I would want to adapt that dog and raise it in a non-poop covered apartment…

    2. Social +7

      Hello! Are you me? Except my annoying neighbor likes to jam on his sweet, sweet guitar at 2-5 in the morning on a Monday. That is a thing that happened. Fortunately someone else called the police on Sick Rock Jamz Neighbor so I didn’t have to. Sending you strength from afar- I don’t know what I’d do if faced with a barking dog, at least with humans you have more lines of recourse.

    3. raqueue +4

      Maybe they’re dog-sitting? I watched my parent’s dog for a month, and we discovered (unfortunately, after pissing off all our neighbours), that he barked non-stop every time we left him alone.

      1. winterbymorning +1

        Dog-sitting hadn’t occurred to me but I really, really hope you’re right. It’s not even normal-sounding barking, it’s this godawful throat-shredding growl that’s 1000 times worse than an innocent “yap!” would be.

        1. raqueue +1

          Also, it could be a new acquisition, adjusting to its apartment.

          Like, if they rescued or adopted an adult dog recently with anxiety issues, they might be trying to crate train it or something, that is just not working. The anxiety might abate once the dog settles into its new home or they try other methods.

          (I’m assuming the best about your neighbours, rather than the unpleasant alternatives, like leaving a dog home alone excessively, or mistreating it in other ways)

    4. onewhitetulip +2

      oooh my goodness we dealt with this at our last condo. They would leave the dog in a crate and just jaunt about at night. We left notes, talked to them, and in a fit of desperation, called the police with a noise complaint (it was 11 pm! against the town ordinance!). They were renting and they weren’t actually allowed to have a dog that large SO they moved out.

      Definitely talk to the building manager! Best of luck. Dog barking pierces through everything.

  18. annieleeroth +9

    Good morning lovelies! I hope everyone is having a good week. I have a really important question for all y’all, but first, I am absolutely exhausted right now, for a variety of reasons – third trimester discomfort, a brutal sinus infection, and… a new puppy. Oh my god what is wrong with my why do I have a puppy seriously you guys this is ridiculous. But… she’s so cute. And she needed me. And I mean, just LOOK at this face.
    http://imgur.com/a/wTcQD
    (Sorry,I don’t know how to embed images.)

    So, now to the question: what the heck should I name her? Resident dog is named Zoe, nicknamed Worrydog.

      3. ladyimogen +8

        Despite giving my dogs glorious geography/anthropology inspired names, I can’t stop myself from talking to them as if they were items of food- biscuit, pudding, pumpkin, etc. So my advice in dog naming (especially adorable wrinkly puppy naming) is to just skip straight to the dessert menu.

      4. ladyimogen +10

        You could also just name her “Small Jobs,” from the file folder in the linked photo.

      5. AlisonB +4

        such a cute doggie! So female dog names hmmmmmm Poppy? That might sound cliche. I have zero experience in this field.
        Ok how about Buffy! Or Bambi?
        Ariel? (hard to yell if you want to find her tho)
        Molly?
        ……Mallory? (lol)

      6. Alli525 +2

        Yeah I think just call her Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace. With as many A’s as your local pet registry/whatever will allow.

    2. MilesofMountain +6

      Oh my godddddd that is an amazingly cute puppy. I am terrible with names, when we had to name our cat it devolved to us sitting at the kitchen table suggesting names based on stuff we could see without moving (“Pepper?” “Pekoe?” “Blueberry?”).

    3. dakimel +5

      She is the adorablest. I’ve just named her Francine in my head, despite that potentially leading people to think you’re a big Salinger fan.

      1. annieleeroth +3

        Some kind of a smallish Boxer mix, I think! She looks surprisingly similar to my other dog, who is a Rottweiler mixed with a Pug/Cocker Spaniel.

    5. fishesinthetwee +7

      SOOOO CUUUUUUTE – I’m sorry for your other general misery, but also !!! little dogggg.

      All my name ideas are just high-pitched cooing sounds. ๐Ÿ™

    6. RoseCamelia +10

      Ginsburg. Wrinkles, boxer, rottweiler, pug. These suggest the honorable Ruth Bader Ginsburg. She’s one of my heroes.

        1. RoseCamelia +2

          I am wearing such a big grin. Ruthie will protect future babyleeroth with fierce integrity, like her namesake.

    8. annieleeroth +7

      I don’t know how they expect me to get any work done with this situation happening at my feet.

  19. insensitive toastie +6

    I think one of my closest friends is depressed. I havent heard her be upbeat about anythinf for about a year, she has such low confidence despite being amazing, is *extremely* tired all the time and has just about every symptom listed here: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/…

    If she has depression I genuinely hope recognizing it will help her manage it in some way HOWEVER i dont want to shove this couch diagnosis in her face as it might not even be correct any way and no one who is depressed wants a lecture on how to be happy by someone who doesnt understand.

    Whats the best way to support and love someone when youre concerned about this?

    1. noodge4lyfe +7

      hm, good question! I find that reflecting stuff back tot he person, with a healthy dollup of genuine care for that person, is helpful? I have a friend who also is struggling a bit, but her issues have to do with self-concept and her weight? she’s physically beautiful, perhaps slightly underweight, and talks about feeling fat very often. I finally responded by saying “It worries me quite a bit when you say (xyz) – can we talk about it?” and it just opens the door for them to talk and you to listen and then the whole thing makes a lot more sense.

    2. paperbgprincess +4

      Hmmmm I don’t know if I can be helpful. I think I had mild depression for a bit a few years ago, but I didn’t realize it til I was out of it. I don’t think I would have reacted very well if someone had told me they thought I was depressed. Instead of actually telling her that, maybe try just being extra supportive and encourage her to do some healthy active things? Maybe see if you can have some feelings-y talks and hear from her about how she’s doing, instead of getting her to admit she’s depressed?

      1. SmrtCookie +12

        Totes agree. I don’t think “Yo, are you depressed?” would be a useful question to ask. But I do think is she’s extra down but in a safe place and at a safe time (ie not in front of lots of people etc) it would be okay to say “I’ve noticed you haven’t been acting like yourself lately, is everything okay?” And then listen and support rather than trying to fix.

        2. elsamac +12

          it would be okay to say “I’ve noticed you haven’t been acting like yourself lately, is everything okay?”

          One small suggestion: I’d find a way to do this without “not acting like yourself.” Something like “It seems like you’re having an especially hard time lately” would be something equally descriptive, and similarly doesn’t attempt to label or define the condition for the friend.

          To say someone who’s depressed (or even just deeply unhappy) isn’t acting like themself โ€”however lovingly it’s intended, and it’s clear that you do intend it lovingly! โ€” can sound (especially to a depressed or sad person) like their persona is being defined from the outside by someone who only wants to include the happy, easy parts. I’m confident that’s not what you intended!

          (I also wouldn’t get too, too hung up on whether a phrase like that slips out in the ensuing conversation; it’s the introductory phrase that frame the discussion and her likely reaction to it, which is why so many of us are offering opening phrases.)

    3. RoseCamelia +6

      Maybe not the right approach for others, but before my depression diagnosis I would have responded well to “I’m worried about you. Have you asked your doctor to screen you for depression?”

    4. logicbutton +11

      Everything everyone above me said, but also: regardless of what’s going on, respect her boundaries. I can’t stress this enough. No unsolicited advice, no presumptuous questions, no attempting to enforce mental state check-ins. (Source: personal experience :/ )

      1. elsamac +4

        DING DING DING

        Offering support and seeing if she takes you up on it is one thing; enforcing your version of support is another.

    5. anninyn +7

      It really depends on your friend. I had to be dragged to the doctor by my husband after I had a full on breakdown, and before that I treated even gentle questioning pushed my mental illness buttons in a way that made me react very agressively.

      Sadly, the culture surrounding mental illness in many places is enough that people think of themselves as failures for needing help with it, which can make addressing it tricky.

      I think, looking back, that my friends *doing things* for me was more helpful than them saying they were worried – coming round, helping me clean, finding me things to do.

      But we are all individuals.

    6. insensitive toastie +1

      I just want to thank you all for the advice, you dont know how much I appreciate it as the last thing I want to do is to alienate or hurt my friend when want to be supportive to her, so thank you again for taking the time to reply.

  20. Frumiosa +12

    I want to be a writer when I grow up but have serious time management/self-sabotage issues. I’m going to start devoting one full night a week, in between a FT job and two small children, to just writing – working on a book proposal, essays, and pitches to various outlets. This means shutting the door and getting shit done. HOW do I stop myself from fucking around and actually make the time productive? I’ve already scheduled an appointment with a new therapist (a huge step for me), to figure out my fear-of-failure-and-general-mortality issues that drive this whole dynamic. Any suggestions from Toasties who are better than me at shit-togetherness?

    1. gorebooth +10

      Thought one: “one full night” is usually too long of a single span for me. Do the pomodoro thing–work with focus for at least twenty minutes (more if your concentration doesn’t happen to break), then take a mini-break of <5 minutes.

      Thought two: THE TREAT SYSTEM. I live my life by the treat system. You do the small chunk of work, you get the treat. We are animals; it works.

      1. elsamac +2

        co-sign! When I just can’t fuckin’ make myself write, I set a timer for 45-60 minutes. I am not allowed to do anything but write until the timer goes off. No running to grab a glass of water, no answering the phone, no “just checking” email. If the writing isn’t productive, too bad: I can type gibberish or stare at the screen, but I can’t stop.

        Then โ€” and for me, this is integral to the success of the Pomodoro method โ€” when that timer goes off, I set another one for 10-20 minutes during which I can do sweet fuck-all. I repeat this cycle for as long as I’ve scheduled, or until the piece is done, whichever comes first, or on a busy day, I might do one 25/10 minute cycle. I find it very effective.

    2. MilesofMountain +3

      It depends on what you do to fuck around, really. For me, it’s internet things, so I have a site blocker that blocks all my procrastinating websites for 25 minutes, then lets me see them for 5 etc. If you don’t need the internet at all (and whoever else is in the house doesn’t either) you could even unplug your router. Also, as cliche as it sounds, I find having a list of the things I’m working on and the “next step” for each to be helpful since “I don’t know what to do right now” is hurdle I find throws me off being productive.

        1. MilesofMountain +1

          It’s called Strict Workflow. I think there’s a whole book/ethos around it, but I just use the Chrome add-on.

    3. EggyInABasket +4

      One full night a week seems like a lot of start with. I know it might sound stupid, but maybe start with 30 minutes every Wednesday or even 5 minutes every Wednesday and then work up? I feel like in the beginning keeping commitment so low that you can’t not do it will make it easier to make it a habit

    4. dakimel +5

      When my kids were smaller & I was doing the evening nights writing thing, I found it easiest to leave the house. Being home just means interruptions, even if the door is closed. And you’re too prone to ‘I’ll just start the laundry then…” thinking.

      I found a B&N cafe open until 11 pm & turned off my wifi & just worked. The place had enough distractions that I could look around when I needed to space (instead of going to the internet), and I felt “on display” enough that I would have felt really dumb sitting there with my keyboard and NOT writing.

      Also, 20 minute timers. You can convince yourself that 20 minutes isn’t so long to work steadily, and then you take a 5 min break, and do another 20 minutes (there’s some ‘science’ about concentration / productivity that suggests 20-30 min sessions are best) and after that you look at it and go ‘hey I did a lot for just 40 minutes, I should do another couple of sessions!’

      I also have a couple of albums – okay, they’re rom-com soundtracks – that I just start playing and will end up working the whole time with them. It’s Pavlovian or something – I know the tracks so well, and I listen to them so often when I’m writing, that if I hear one of the songs ‘in the wild’ I switch to creative mode. It does the trick of switching off my brain’s other noise so I’m less likely to distract myself with shiny objects.

      And every time you go out, even if you write 100 words or half-develop one pitch, congratulate yourself. You’re doing it. Don’t bash yourself for how much more you THOUGHT you’d do, just appreciate that you’ve managed to do something.

    5. fishesinthetwee +2

      Yep, smaller blocks of time to start, reward for working, and – the thing that does it for me – is white noise playing quietly through earbuds. It used to be just about the only thing that could get me focused, and now it’s like a trigger FOR focusing. Play white noise, work work work, magic.

      Good luck!

    6. spring chickens +2

      I would add, to the “smaller blocks” that everyone else has said, “more often.” That way not everything is riding on that one session; you’ll have another session to make up for lost time if you don’t create good work in the first, and also, you will be more likely to develop a writing habit/mindset/routine — which is key!

    7. jenavira +3

      I’ve found that having a dual set of goals helps: my goal is to write every day, ideally at least 500 words. And then on days when I don’t think I can write 500 words, I sit down and just do something. About half the time I end up writing the 500+ words anyway. (The other half the time I end up writing like 50 words and calling it a night. But hey, I did write something.)

      When all else fails, Lifehacker turned me on to a piece of software called ForceDraft, which takes over your computer and refuses to be minimized/alt+tabbed away from until you complete the goal you gave it when you started.

    8. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      We are having this same struggle of having two small children and trying to be a writer and the amount of time that goes to just anything and everything else is huge and our ability to settle down and focus and be willful and dedicated is so small.

      For a long time what worked for us was having a friend be our ‘editor’ whom we sent the writing to when it was done. At our request she didn’t actually read it, but if we didn’t get the words to her by our (self-chosen) deadline, she would write a loving email reminding us we needed to get it done. For us having an external deadline worked very well, since we never had trouble getting papers done when doing our degree. (Last minute crappy papers and all-nighters, yes, but we always got them turned in.)

      Nowadays — well, I am going to let Cassandra type, since she is the person here who is most invested in being a writer. ๐Ÿ™‚ She says: I have found that the ‘fucking around’ time is usually because I do not want to be where I am, or to feel how I am feeling, and so I am doing all of those dances of playing the games and wasting time in an attempt to avoid myself. Because for me, to write, I must be in conversation with my own expernece, my own feelings. So I have begun to start my writing times by writing about myself, either a little in a blog post (which is only read by two people so it does not have the sense of the public), or writing an email to my lover about my day and how I am feeling right in the moment. I have not been trying this for very long, but it seems to put me into that place where I can access my own feelings and experiences without becoming so uncomfortable I slide away into distraction.

      Also, I do try to set reasonable goals; I also love the idea of the entire evening, but the work goes better if I do chunks, like — here is 30 minutes, I will write for this 30 minutes, or this 250 words, or something like that. There is some site out there that shows one pictures of kittens every so often, I cannot remember the name, but it seems like a charming way to pace oneself — writing until a kitten, then take a brief break if it is needed.

      The best of luck, and if you would like to talk more about the writing process, I would enjoy it. A few weeks ago there was some discussion about setting up a Toast writers support group but we faltered on beginning it because we must figure out the how and where. If it happens we will post it here.

    9. Linette +2

      Getting off the internet has been huge for me. There are programs that help with this (some already suggested) but what I did is either write longhand or only write on a computer that isn’t connected to WiFi. If I need to look up something for the writing, I write it down as a note for later (look up gender demographics after WWII). If I need that information to keep writing, I leave the room I’m in, go to a different computer (that IS connected to the internet), look up my thing, write it down longhand, and take my scrap of paper back to my internet-free room.

      This is because I am no good at just letting the program do its thing – I’ve been known to uninstall it – and because in my brain, I still want to browse the internet when I’m on a computer that I use to browse the internet at other times. The mental shift of having a computer that just IS NOT ONLINE is really helpful for me. This is the Internetless Computer, the Computer Without Internet, and all I can really do on that computer is type.

  21. perianwen +4

    I have soooooo much sewing to do this weekend. Anyone want to come do it for me? Alternatively, know of anyplace I can get some trim embroidered for not very much money, so I don’t have to do it by hand?

    1. SmrtCookie +6

      We need a toastie sewing bee. I’m trying to ignore all my sewing as well but maybe I would actually do it if I had folks to yap with.

      1. perianwen +1

        I mean, it’s not going to be difficult (hopefully?) once I get rolling, it’s just a practice run of a skirt, but it’s the *starting* I find challenging.

        Relatedly: when I go to do the real one, it’s going to be in velvet. Do you think I should serge my seams rather than just regular ol’ sewing them?

        1. SmrtCookie +4

          I’m the exact opposite. I love the begining steps of picking a pattern and fabric and getting it to the point where it looks like almost a thing but I drag my feet at the end. Skirt need hemmed? Nope. Quilt needs bound? Nope.

          I’ve never worked with velvet or a serger but I would say serge some scrap velvet and see how it looks. Serged seams feel so much more finished to me but I don’t know if the velvet would make them too bulky.

          1. perianwen +1

            Yeah, my first practice run is going to be on just regular poly satin so I can get a sense of how it’s all going together, but then I do have a bit of velvet I could try at least one of the seams on. *ponders*

      2. sarah_jay +1

        My sisters and I have multi-state sewing parties where we all watch the same movie and sew at the same time and text each other pictures of our projects. I’ve also participated in instagram “sewcials” that are basically the same but with random quilters on instagram. We could hijack a thread and do the same here. Or something.

    2. haliegirl +2

      I also have a lot of sewing to do this weekend. I offered to help a friend with a cosplay for a con that we’re going to at the end of march and she came over last weekend for corset drafting time. She’s coming over again this weekend and we’re going to try on the mockup and then go fabric shopping. I have never made a corset for anyone but myself, so it could be interesting. Plus I should probably start on my own costume at some point…

      (supposed to be a reply to perianwen’s sewing thread)

    3. Angelan_ +1

      I also have lots of sewing to do this weekend! Getting going is the worst bit, but you just have to commit to it.

  22. paperbgprincess +83

    Who started the online dating thread last week? I’ll do one now I guess!

    This week I had two dates. The first one was horrific and the guy was generally terrible and these are the 3 worst things he said:
    – he identifies with Breaking Bad because it’s about “the disenfranchisement of men”
    – “I’ve never seen Love Actually because I’m not gay”
    – I told him I liked Jane Austen and he mimed putting a noose around his neck and hanging himself.

    So then the next night I went out with a friendly Australian who was nice and funny and feminist and when I told him I was trying to consume less media by white dudes he laughed and gave me suggestions of books! I shall carry on with the Aussie.

    How were your dates this week?

    1. catoclock +16

      HAH I was following your horrible date saga on twitter, I’m so glad the Australian turned out to be a nice palate cleanser.

      1. paperbgprincess +41

        honestly tweeting about it was super fun! every time he said something dumb, instead of getting angry, i just thought “OMG I can’t wait til I tweet this, everybody’s gonna flip out!”

    2. deleted7410012 +17

      oh my god, this guy sounds like a cartoon character. the first awful guy i mean.

      the australian guy sounds far more interesting.

      i went on a date with…a nice enough guy. he was cute. we have a lot of surface level interests in common (music, tattoos, and breathing) and we talked for about 2.5 hours straight without running out of stuff to say, he was a pretty good kisser…but if he never called me again i’d probably just shrug and never think about him again.

      also i feel like such a grandma but being out late and drinking when i have to be at work the next morning…is awful. i want to be in bed at 10:45 and i don’t want to leave my house. womp womp.

      1. teresamackadoo +8

        Ugh, I feel you. The last time I went on a date the guy was nice and all, but once it hit 9:00 I could not stop thinking about how much I’d rather be asleep at home.

        1. deleted7410012 +10

          right? this guy arranged for us to meet at 9, and internally i was super frowny about it.

          1. teresamackadoo +13

            I don’t understand that at all. If it’s a weeknight, what’s wrong with 6:30 or 7? Then we can eat before I get hangry and I can still go to bed at a reasonable hour. My house is a pain to get to on Muni from any of the cool parts of San Francisco where people plan dates, so I don’t get home until like 11 and spend the whole next day feeling like a zombie.

            I feel like I might be getting old, except that I’m still 24 and have always been like this.

          2. deleted7410012 +4

            yes! ugh i live in the east bay and if i go out in the city, it has to be early or i risk getting stranded. and even though for this particular date we met in the east bay, i still had to wait 20 minutes for BART and then i still had to make my way from the BART station to my apartment…i didn’t get home until 12:15!

            not only does it make me feel like a zombie, but it feels plain ol’ unsafe a lot of the time. the later it gets, the creepier it is to be a lady by yourself heading home on public transportationโ€”or on foot, when public transportation closes shop for the night. it makes for a shitty, stressful ending to what would otherwise be a fun night.

            and don’t worryโ€”i’m 26 and i’ve also always been like this.

          3. mmsees +2

            I’m 23 and I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can leave places early because of the lengthy amount of time I have to spend on the N to get home. Also I’ve been on a couple of dates with a guy who’s in the east bay and I’m preemptively worrying about transit. So much BART and N time.

          4. gloriana232 +1

            Hmmm. The last time somebody asked me for 9, I worried about it, asked my friends if it was lame for me to not want to GO OUT at 9 (they said yes, which blah), and then decided to say it didn’t work for me, because this was just true. He ended up saying it’d be fine if we met at 6! Did you try asking him if an earlier time worked?

          5. deleted7410012 +2

            in the future (whether it’s this guy or any other) i’m definitely going to suggest something earlier. i was trying too hard to go with the flow and it just left me sleepy!

          6. gloriana232 +1

            Totes! If they really want to go out with you and they can do it, they’ll say yes or work with you ๐Ÿ˜€

            (I went out at 8 yesterday, I was awake the whole time, but I got home at TWO IN THE MORNING.)

    4. AlisonB +16

      Hey as someone who used to online date (and ended up with an online date success story!) I just wanted to say:
      -if he seems a bit of a douche, he’s a douche. Don’t see him again. If you see him again and you’re still unsure, draw a line under it.
      (luckily guy number 1 was an easy one to call out for you)

      -sometimes a nice guy is being charming and, yes, feminist, to seduce you. I’m afraid that happened to me and it was very disturbing when I saw his true colours. Sorry I don;t want to make you mistrust all men but please just don’t make your mind up from one date.
      If he is really just a nice guy, yay! And apologies for freaking you out. Just- be careful.

      -no real advice otherwise- except I was unsure if my boyfriend, when we met, was “really my type”. He was so different to anyone I’d dated before. But that turned out to be refreshing. Keep your mind open (except when they’re a douche)

      Hope next dates go well!

      edit: hope this doesn’t sound too strident, I’m just thinking of things I wish someone had told me when I was online dating.

      1. paperbgprincess +7

        oh don’t worry, my skeptic glasses are always on! (perhaps too much, but that’s a different problem)

        1. AlisonB +4

          good good, I thought as much. Maybe this will help someone reading. Admittedly all us Toast gals are pretty strongheaded so in theory shouldn’t need reminding that men can be douches. Sadly I did need reminding at the time- thank god for best friend/flatmates!
          Also lol at tweeting your dates. love it.

      2. hearyoume +14

        I also met my boyfriend through online dating and was not sure whether he was “my type.” As it turns out, he WASN’T my type, because my type was awful mantrash and this guy is amazing. Took me a few dates to warm up to him, but I’m glad I stuck it out.

        Basically seconding the “keep an open mind” sentiment.

    5. Rachel8489 +7

      Yay for one good date! I had a date on Wednesday from Coffee Meets Bagel, which is a ridiculous app that tells you how many mutual Facebook friends you have but makes you pay to find out who they are. And we realized that our one mutual friend on Facebook is one of my best friends here in NYC who has known him since preschool. She and I already had plans for Thursday.

      So he and I had fun – talked the whole time, I’m looking forward to seeing him again. I was running a clinic escort training before we met for a drink and he was very cool about that. And my friend thinks it is the funniest thing in the world.

      1. teresamackadoo +2

        What did you think of Coffee Meets Bagel? I’m considering expanding beyond OK Cupid but there are SO MANY apps that I can’t tell which are worthwhile!

        1. Rachel8489 +3

          I actually kind of like it? You get one match per day. Just one. So it’s not so overwhelming with options. I find the thing where there are just too many people to consider as options be kind of overwhelmingly terrible.

    6. gallimaufry_ +38

      he identifies with Breaking Bad because it’s about “the disenfranchisement of men”?

      I wish you hadn’t had to go on a terrible date as the price of the irl lol i just had reading that sentence.

      2. PierrePoutine +15

        Breaking Bad is the ultimate MRA litmus test. If someone still sympathizes with Walt after the second season it’s time to ABANDON SHIP.

    7. chnellociraptor +8

      I just came here to start this week’s — I’m glad you went for it! Congrats on the Aussie, but holy mother of god that first guy sounds like my literal nightmare. Barfing forever.

      I’m coming down from the high of my first two weeks. Great Tinder Dude ghosted on me after being unavailable last weekend, and while I am bummed I never got the chance to beat him at Mario Kart after beating him at pool, I will survive. (Hey, maybe he ghosted because he couldn’t handle my dominance at pool and Mario Kart? Deep thoughts.)

      I had my first OKC date on Monday night — a perfectly nice young man, but the conversation felt a little stilted to me. I tried to give him a gentle blow-off when he asked me if I wanted to do it again (“Yeah, I mean, maybe, just send me a message!”) but 60 seconds after we parted ways he caught up with me again and asked if we could go on a “real date” because he liked me an awful lot and I had to be upfront. It was actually not as creepy as it sounds, he was cool about it, but then I walked home feeling weirdly self-loathing about it.

      On Wednesday a Tinder dude asked me if I wanted to grab a beer that night, then texted me an hour later that he had a cold and couldn’t make it out. WTF? I’m going to generously assume he was intimidated by my beauty and wit.

    8. paperbgprincess +29

      lol JOKE’S ON ME everyone, the aussie just sent me the better-as-friends text! dang. ah well, back to the search.

    9. mmsees +4

      Going on a third date with a seemingly pretty great okcupid guy tonight wooooooo.

      Best/worst online dating interaction this week though was a guy who immediately sent me a series of unprompted messages after the Patriots beat the colts about how much he hates Tom Brady and the Patriots, no offense (as if I was definitely going to be offended). Ten minutes later he followed up with “But hi :)”. My profile makes no mention of sports except for a brief NHL shoutout. I said I lived in Boston for a while, but I also said I lived in NY (Eli >>>>>>>> Tom Brady). Adding to my own personal hilarity is that his username included a really common neuroscience acronym so I kept on thinking another neuro kid was messaging me and got excited, then crushed repeatedly.

      I’m a little disappointed he didn’t come back to weigh in on deflategate.

      1. no_blues +2

        This is just killing me with laughter over here. I’m also sad that he stopped. You could have been receiving artisanal hot sports takes all this time!

      2. coloredlights +1

        That guy is probably from Indy. I pretty much never care at all about football and even I was texting uninterested parties complaining about Tom Brady and the Patriots after that game, seven years after moving out of Indiana.

    10. AliasGrace +2

      I’ve just made the decision to give up on online dating completely after like, two years of sporadically trying it, and you know what, I feel infinitely better and actually LESS alone and unloveable. *shrug*

      1. paperbgprincess +6

        i actually recently re-started after a long break! I feel like I’m in a good space for it and trying to a) keep everything low-stakes and just go out for a drink with anyone who seems reasonable — it’s like a social experiment to meet all these new guys! and b) I’m auditioning THEM for the important position of My Partner, not the other way around. I’ve found that if I try to be the boss and think, ok, buddy, you think you have what it takes to win me over? Prove it! it’s a lot less pressure that I put on myself. ๐Ÿ™‚

  23. katiemcgillicuddy +14

    Hey guys! I can’t get the “Too Many Cooks” theme out of my head! I’m going to throw myself off a bridge.

    Anyone going to any good concerts this weekend/soon? My buddy is going to see Fleetwood Mac with his mama next weekend (which I also tried to pull off but $$$$, but who knows maybe a unicorn will bring me some tickets before next Friday) and I am incredibly jealous. One day, Stevie Nicks, one day.

    Have a good weekend, pals.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        (i am so sorry i did that to you, too many cooks, too many cooks)

        Sharon Van Etten, niiiiice

        1. meetapossum +3

          The best part about “Too Many Cooks” is how you can easily change the lyrics to fit the situation. When my roommate was watching Blue is the Warmest Color it became “French lesbian sex! French lesbian sex!”

    2. StillT +1

      I had no idea Fleetwood Mac was even touring until a friend of mine here in Michigan posted about the show. Super jealous! That would be a great show.

    3. tehvin +2

      When someone says “too many [x widget]” I immediately respond with a crooning “tooooo many [x wiiidget].” I’m sure this habit is endearing to my friends and loved ones and not irritating at all.

    5. RuncibleSpoon +1

      it’d pretty much just left mine…but i join you more in sympathy than anger for round two.

      Too many coo-ooks!

  24. longlostlullaby +8

    Also I am now paralyzed with indecision as to which book to start next. My library has ordered every single book I’ve recommended so far. Every one. Before they came in one at a time but they must have just bought a bunch of books, because 7 came in at once. These are the books on my Kindle I have to pick from. Any suggestions on what to start with?
    Half of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
    Suite Francaise by Irene Nemirovsky
    Democracy by Joan Didion
    Quartet in Autumn by Barbara Pym
    The Wreath by Sigrid Undset
    The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolano
    The Violent Bear It Away by Flannery O’Connor
    On Beauty by Zadie Smith
    The War of the End of the World by Mario Vargas Llosa

    1. dakimel +6

      Ohhh, great selections! I would start with Adichie just cause I love that one the best of the ones you have. But Pym is always fun and I could read O’Connor for hours straight, so. No bad decisions possible, I think.

    3. bird_internet +2

      The only one of those I’ve read is The Savage Detectives, which I loved, but you sort of need to be in the right place for it. It’s a little intense.

      1. longlostlullaby +1

        I think I’m going to start with Flannery O’Connor, but I have plans to make my way through all of them eventually. Hopefully within my 14 day loan period.

    5. gallimaufry_ +3

      Another vote for Adichie! I love that book. I’ve made several attempts at the Savage Detectives and still never finished it, but that might just be me.

    7. notebook-keeper +2

      Of the ones I’ve read, my order is: 1) On Beauty, 2) Half Of A Yellow Sun, 3) Democracy

      Warning – Half Of A Yellow Sun has a lot of graphic violence and a very long, disturbing rape scene. It’s a great book but not fun to read like “Americanah.”

      1. longlostlullaby +2

        Thanks for the warning! It’s definitely helpful to know about that kind of thing before starting a book.

  25. bint_ +84

    On Tuesday, I found out that I’m pregnant! Yay for new babby (if it sticks…. pleasepleaseplease). As of today, I am 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant, if my calculations are correct. Husband and I are overjoyed! I was notified by my new pregnancy app that the wee blastocyst is currently the size of a red lentil, which I find hilarious and cute.

    This coincides with a huge uptick in asthma symptoms, which I hear is something that sometimes happens for ladies on the nest. I had to visit the doctor to be prescribed a new corticosteroid inhaler for the next few weeks, and I am super paranoid that it might harm babby ๐Ÿ™

    Anyone with kidlets have experience with asthma in pregnancy?

    6. PaigePoo +13

      Congratulations! A Toast babby! And…I did some research on asthma in pregnancy during grad school, so hopefully this isn’t too jargon-y:

      About 1/3 of women with asthma have worse symptoms during pregnancy, 1/3 have improvements in symptoms, and 1/3 remain the same. All the large, prospective, controlled studies have found that babies are at higher risk of adverse events (being preterm, low birth weight, etc.) if the mother does not control her symptoms, vs. if the mother uses medication during pregnancy. Put another way, it is better for you and for your babby if you control your asthma with corticosteroids than if you don’t use medication and experience asthma symptoms/exacerbations.

      Hooray!

    7. mmejoy +7

      Me! My asthma is normally only viral-triggered (meaning I get a cold and my lungs try to smother me), but it got out of hand during my first and second trimesters. My doctor told me to use my inhalers, both steroid and rescue, whenever I needed them and to remember that the object of the game was everyone getting enough oxygen. The attacks stopped during my third trimester and my daughter, 2.5, is strapping and brilliant. Use the inhaler! Be comfortable! Congratulations!

    9. saramyjo +4

      Congratulations!!! So excited for you.

      With my first, my asthma completely went away.
      With my current pregnancy, my asthma symptoms were worse during the first trimester. Shockingly worse in fact. But then after the first trimester, they leveled off to normal levels. My doctor pointed out that oxygen for you means oxygen for the baby. To my knowledge, very little (if any) inhaled medication actually gets into the bloodstream. However, in no way am I a doctor. Take care of yourself and breathe easy!!!

  26. anninyn +32

    Over the last few days I have become weirdly aware that my teeth exist in my mouth and trying to hold them in the ‘right’ position is giving me jaw ache.

    I can’t wait til I forget about them again.

    1. deleted7410012 +10

      this always happens as i am falling asleep. all of a sudden i become aware of my jaw and how it is open or closed and am i putting effort into keeping it open or closed? why can’t it just BE?

    2. robot_dinosaur +6

      Lately I have had really vivid feelings that my teeth are going to get shattered by a fork or something? Teeth are garbage, is what I’m saying.

    3. ballisticjaguar +5

      This reminds me of a fun thing to do to your friends (or enemies) to mess with them. Say the following:

      Your tongue can now no longer find a comfortable position in your mouth.

    5. MuseKray +5

      Sometimes I am super aware of me breathing, to the point where it feels like I have to consciously do it. It’s annoying.

    6. sarah_jay +2

      I broke a tooth last week (YAY! for emergency crown/root canal?) and ever since I keep freaking out about it. I’ll be eating something and suddenly think something feels wrong, and that another tooth has fallen apart. Can’t wait to get the real crown on and feel like my mouth is normal again.

    7. RuncibleSpoon +3

      gah, this is like when I remember that I’m actively breathing. what a fun dance that is to get back out of.

      may you forget them all soon.

  27. plspassthePinot +60

    Last night I was a cloud of menstrual malaise and bought 1 pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream and ate the entire pint by myself watching Arrested Development on a Netflix stream. I am the cliche! I have NO regrets. Would make that life choice again.

    2. peytonopoly +6

      Oh man, I’m having the worst symptoms right now, and there is a cupcake in this office. BY GOD IT SHALL BE MINE! “Menstrual malaise” is an amazing phrase.

      1. rosesinjanuary +2

        Seriously. It sucks, but it’s also nice to have an identifying phrase so that you’re not just thrown into “I feel like shit, what’s wrong with me?”

    3. laurenipsum +4

      Last weekend while I was visiting family in Reno I was back at my hotel in the middle of the afternoon for a nap, and I took a bath with a glass of wine and some chocolate. I am also the cliche! It was pretty great!

  28. grumblyqueer +40

    Identifying toxic mental processes still counts if you can’t do jack to change them right now, right?

    1. Rรคven +7

      TOTALLY COUNTS. Observe them, recognize them, & maybe you’ll start to be able to set them aside when you see them at work.

    2. noodge4lyfe +15

      identify them, hold their hand, sit next to them, say “oh hey! I see you there…” and for some reason (for me at least) they seem a lot less scary…

    3. MmeSiniichulok +4

      Absolutely! Awareness is the most crucial step. At least that’s what I’m telling myself about my own toxic mental processes, but I think I’m actually right, so.

    7. hugpunch +3

      Yes. For me, even if the toxic processes are just part of my brain, it’s so much easier to handle, because I can identify that “this is just a toxic episode, you aren’t worthless, nor are you crazy.” Being able to view it from the outside like that is so important for me.

    8. elsamac +3

      YES, that is hard and important work you’re doing right now. Next steps can come later, but IDing the toxic mental processes is the first step. YAY YOU

  29. KatPruska +18

    My silly spaniel just cut open her paw pad, so headed off to the vet soon. This office just adores us, with our three cats and two dogs and their propensity for hurting themselves. They should have a special ringer on their phone that just dings like a cash register whenever I call.

    The chubby Border Collie-Corgi mix (or Borgi) we adopted five weeks ago has lost six pounds! And she jumped up onto the couch twice on her own. This is progress.

    1. sausagedog +3

      Hey, if you ever have a chance, could you post a picture of the Borgi? I suspect my grandmother’s shelter dog is some kind of collie-corgi mix, but I’ve never seen anything else like her, so I’d love to see an example.

  30. SmrtCookie +19

    I’m putting an offer in on a house today! I’ve now been actively house hunting for over a year, made 3 offers, and been under contract for one that didn’t work out. So I would really like this one to work out. Unfortunately the selling agent said he’s expecting a cash offer (and mine is… not) but I’m trying to be optimistic? Toasties, who else is/was house hunting? Tell me you real estate triumphs and tragedies?

    1. aravisthequeen +2

      Yay! I hope all works out for you! We bought our house really quickly and we had been worried about why it had been on the market for two or three months, but it turned out to be perfect for us and we love it. Hooray!

    2. MilesofMountain +3

      I think my boyfriend and I are getting our first house, too! We’ve had our offer accepted, we’re just waiting for final mortgage approval from the bank. I’m a little nervous about it, because while we make enough money that the mortgage should be no issue my boyfriend owns his own company and that seems to make the bank nervous. I had no idea how complicated it was getting from pre-approval to approval, though. Every day it seems there’s a new list of documents they need.

      2. houblonchouffe +1

        We went through that, too (MrChouffe is an independent contractor). It was extremely frustrating and challenging, but you’ll get there in the end.

    3. houblonchouffe +3

      We looked for a solid year before we found our house, and it is nothing like imagined but everything we ever wanted. Our realtor set us up a daily email, and THE HOUSE came up one day, MrChouffe drove up that morning and put in an offer on it 2 hours before the next people to view it did, and the financing was challenging but achievable and we closed seven weeks later and tore out the kitchen that weekend. YOU CAN DO IT.

      1. SmrtCookie +5

        Yeah, this house is nothing like I thought I wanted but it checks all my “must have” boxes and then some (attached garage!!) and is a steal. I’ve already done a mortgage app once so financing should be fine and the house just came back on the market after being under contract and the inspections went fine so literally the only think I’m worried about is getting my offer accepted. Plus I’ve been looking for so long that I feel everyone IRL is so tired of hearing me yap about houses but all I want to do is overly dissect every little thing…

        1. houblonchouffe +1

          And really, you sort of need to be able to vent about this because it is a HUGE life thing. Yap away!

          1. SmrtCookie +5

            I am legit excited for this house. I’m at the loooow end of $$ for my city and just about every house I’ve seen has been either at the top of my budget but tiny and not quite everything I want or at the top of my budget and extremely beat up. This one is everything I want and comfortably below my budget. It needs some updating but I’m super hand and related to a contractor so I’ll have enough left in my budget to make the updates and improve the value of the house drastically when I resell it. So yes, very excited. Just obsessing over how much to offer/how to make my offer more attractive than a cash offer…

          2. dancingcrowdesigns +1

            WE managed to succesfully underbid someone else by being really really flexible on the closing – the occupants were moving into an unfinished house, and we said we could wait five months until their new place was readier. Win for us!

    4. fishesinthetwee +1

      What a frustrating process! Good luck with the offer. ๐Ÿ™‚

      I have not bought or sold yet, but my wife fell in love with a condo and bought it in the fastest, easiest process I had ever seen; when she sold it, there was a LITTLE more stress, but it was still off the market ~6 weeks. I send you some of her good real estate karma!

    5. mmsees +3

      I’ve been looking for a new apartment for a while now and I just got one this week! I’m so excited! I’m moving from the second floor of a small house shared with 3 other people to the entirety of a big house shared with only 2. The house is big and beautiful, the roommates seem cool, and I will be living with a cat after being pet-less for a while. Plus I’m free from craigslist purgatory!!

    6. steelyglints +1

      my house hunting tragedy: I live in cambridge/somerville and want to stay and it’s starting to feel like that is just not going to happen. We’ve seen a few places but everything is ultra expensive and anything half way reasonable goes super fast.

      1. mmsees +1

        I moved out of Cambridge last year and I miss it a lot – I hope you end up getting to stay.

        If it makes you feel better, I just found an apartment in San Francisco after a lot of grief. Super expensive competitive markets are absurd and depressing, but sometimes things still appear.

  31. bird_internet +46

    Sometimes I like to look at petfinder at work even though my building doesn’t allow pets, because I’m an idiot. I just saw that there are two BEAUTIFUL maine coon kittens in a shelter near me so I guess my plan for the weekend is 1) get a different apartment ASAP 2) cover myself with gigantic cats

    1. vmartinipie +6

      I look at petfinder ALL THE TIME even though I cannot adopt a pet right now either, and it’s probably really not healthy or whatever. This week I fell in love with a little bitty 1 year old tortie named Daisy who had orange eyes and a sweet face. Auuuuggghhh!

      1. Battle_Swine +7

        I read that as “tortoise” and immediately thought I want an itty bitty tortoise named Daisy with a sweet face too

    2. GreenGrasses +4

      I FEEL YOUUUUU. I stalk the “adoptable dogs” section of my local shelter’s website even though I live in a 425 sq ft apartment in a no-pets building. So far, attempts to find a dog-friendly place have been futile. We need to stay strong and hope for a furrier future!!!

    3. teresamackadoo +2

      I do this all the time! Strict ban on pets in my building, but I can’t stop myself from looking even though it breaks my heart.

    4. gripyfish +2

      My current cat despises other animals and needs to be an only pet (which, hey, she lives her best life and is doted on by two human minions, so…), but this does nothing to stop me from browsing Petfinder and threatening to replace her with other cats.

    5. robotneedslove +6

      ERMERGERD.

      My rescue babe is a maine coon, and gosh darn it have I fallen in love with the breed. He is huge (20lbs!), and gorgeous, and hilariously dog-like, and chatty like woah. He talks and talks to us, and always wants to be where we are, ‘helping’ or cuddling.

      He’s also mean as fuck when he feels like it, and has the physical prowess to make it count, but such is cat-dom.

      Anyway, yeah, I would get a maine coon again in a heartbeat when we are again in the position to acquire a cat (not for a long while, hopefully, our kitties are young and healthy).

      I’m not helping you am I?

      1. bird_internet +2

        My parents have one and even though I’m honestly not a huge cat person I FUCKING LOVE THAT CAT. Yeah, I want to get one as soon as I am living somewhere that allows me to.

      2. Household_Opera +8

        I lived with two Maine Coons once (a roommate’s cats). They liked to play fetch with toy mice, and they also enjoyed jumping up on the back of the sofa and grooming my hair. They were big and majestic and fluffy and gorgeous and were obsessed with the sound of the can opener (THAT SOUND MEANS TUNA, HUMAN, YOU’RE NOT FOOLING US, WAIT WHAT THAT’S NOT TUNA? WE ARE VERY SAD NOW.) and goddammit, now I want to live with a Maine Coon again.

  32. Girl Named Jack +6

    So, on the recommendation of a friend, I read The Artist’s Way. There were several moments when I wanted to throw the book across the room, which I didn’t because it was on my Kindle. However, I’ve been doing the morning pages thing for about 2 weeks and I kind of love it? Someone out there in Toastlandia must have done this, right? What did you all think? Helpful? Bogus? Neither-here-nor-there?

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      That book has been sitting on our shelf for like…. 15 years. But the morning pages seems to be a thing that works for lots of people, so if you love it, I think it is awesome.

    2. Goomaly +1

      morning pages is basically just writing every day, if i remember correctly. Isn’t that basically the key to being a writer?

      I liked how you’re just supposed to vomit words onto the page. I used to do that before writing essays in college just to get it out of my system.

      1. Girl Named Jack +2

        I thought it was just writing every day too, which I was already doing, hence my scoffing and wanting to chuck the book. (Internal monologue: Psssh, no fancy-pants is gonna tell ME how to journal, etc. etc.)

        But somehow writing longhand, first thing in the morning, has made me feel different, even though I hate admitting it.

        1. Goomaly +6

          sorry, I didn’t mean to be snarky– I agree that Artist’s Way can be pretty eye-rolling overall, but there’s some good ideas in there.

          I tend to overreact when someone says they enjoy/want a thing but worry that their feelings are invalid or that they should feel that way. Life is too short to be ashamed of things you love ๐Ÿ™‚

          Unless you love murdering people, don’t do that

    3. wallofillusion +1

      I’ve not read The Artist’s Way myself, but I have been using 750words.com for a while, and the front page of 750words says this:

      “I’ve long been inspired by an idea I first learned about in The Artist’s Way called morning pages. […] Unlike many of the other exercises in that book, I found that this one actually worked and was really really useful.”

      So you do not seem to be alone in finding morning pages to be a treasure among an otherwise-frustrating book.

      1. dancingcrowdesigns +1

        yes! I’ve been using 750words and I kind of like it? I mean, I’m 200 days into it, you might think i have more to say on the topic, but I really don’t. Half the time I use it for making lists of things I ahve to do, and repeating things i want to believe or want to accomplish (accomplish is bigger than do – errands you DO, artwork you ACCOMPLISH, yes/yes?) but sometimes something useful comes out of it. Or something funny.

    4. annieleeroth +2

      Yes! My dad always pushed me to work through the book, and I bet if I did I would get a lot out of it, but MAN was it ever tedious. The morning pages are great though. I use 750words.com when I get around to it, and when I was in the habit it was a wonderful process.

    5. no_blues +2

      The Artist’s Way just came up in a writer-ish gathering I had this week. Turns out 4 of us had done it at least once, found it helpful, but ALL consistently quit at Week 8. (Have intermittently done morning pages since, which I have found very important for my mental health at times, but not necessarily for writing.)

    6. jenavira +1

      I find morning pages ended up filling the space of journaling for me. I don’t know how much good they’ve done for my writing, but it does wonders for my mental stability.

    7. Linette +5

      I know EXACTLY what you mean. I like everything she recommends in this book, but the language is so foofy that I just want to strangle her. Some other guy wrote a follow-up book called The Artist’s Way at Work that is basically the exact same book, but written by someone whose writing style did not make me want to tear up pillows, so that’s an idea. It focuses more on how to figure out your shit at work than in your art, of course, but I think all the exercises are exactly the same.

      1. Linette +1

        Oh, and I’ve been writing three pages a day nearly every morning for . . . um. Like ten years? And I love it. You should keep that habit if nothing else, it just makes your day better.

    8. Household_Opera +1

      I tried it and got completely stuck on the week where you’re not allowed to read anything. Just…no could do. I do still like to write in the mornings, though.

  33. proudsquarepeg +11

    Hi Toasties! Anyone have any experience with genetic testing and all the anxieties thereof?

    Some background: my mother is a breast cancer survivor who recently found herself being positive for BRCA1. As I am within the 10 year window of when she was first diagnosed, obviously a lot of focus was on me getting tested as soon as possible. Which happened, and now I’m in the hellish waiting period for results. It’s all I can do to get little things done, because thinking about this all day is now my life. What will I do if I am positive, can I really coast on a negative when my dad hasn’t been tested and just found out this week my grandmom (his mom) has breast cancer, is there a Tinder for single lady misandrists who really don’t want relationship but find themselves in need of a partner-butler ala Edwin Jarvis who could just handle the dull domesticities I can’t focus on and would soothe my worried brow with words of support and snark as needed?

    Anyway, no one else I know IRL has my kind of family history and/or has any comparable experience so I feel like I’m imposing my obsession on them. My mother is not at all okay with the situation and so I cannot discuss with her without us both dissolving into tears. Anyone have any ideas on how to calm the fuck down when waiting for and expecting bad news?

    1. anniekate76 +5

      You need to distract yourself with some powerful entertainment. Go see a movie, preferably with a friend! And not “Wild” or “Selma” or anything else with death in it. Something funny. Maybe Top Five? And get lots of delicious popcorn with that awful butter, and a box of chewy candy, and some sugary drinks. Treat yo self.

    2. SmrtCookie +9

      My 2 ways to deal with the waiting anxiety: 1. Sit down with your worry and think it through. What can you do about it before your results come in? If the answer is something, do that thing. If the answer is nothing, remind yourself that there will be a point in the near future where you will have more information and allow yourself to not think about the whatifs until after that. Get yourself to that point as calmly as possible.

      2. Allow yourself to feel anxious but only when you’re doing something else. I usually tie my anxiety to cleaning. So if I’m feeling an attack coming on instead of suppressing it I’ll let myself really feel it it as long as I’m also cleaning the bathtub or whatever. It works out well for me because it somehow mentally ties them together so I’m not bursting into tears in public. Plus the physical exertion of hard cleaning helps quiet my brain plus plus having a clean house also quiets my brain. I don’t know if either of those will work at all for you but I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you get phenomenally good news soon.

    3. proudsquarepeg +4

      Thanks you guys. I really needed to hear good things. I think this weekend’s solution is going to be a combination of things – tomorrow my area is predicted to be snowed in, so finding distractions around the house that don’t end in harmful worry spirals will be necessary. I’m a sporadic cleaner, but I’m a stress baker. Not good for the waistline, but I find beating the shit out of dough soothing. Guess the office’s getting treats next week!

  34. aqueousmedium +1

    UK Toasties! I have one jetlagged day in Windsor next week. What should I do besides a tour of Windsor Castle?

        1. Es_Petal +7

          My other half put the christmas lights on Legoland Windsor castle this year, so if you go to legoland instead, there is a lego castle and it has lights on it.

          2. dyingofthatroar +1

            I love the idea of the Lego castle! But srsly, Windsor Castle is good so you should actually go to that. It has a lot of that Buckingham-Palace blingy George IV stuff, which is excellent. Also some bits that were done by Charles II, probably my fav British monarch (note I said British not English, fav English has got to be Elizabeth I).

          3. aqueousmedium +2

            The fact that my hotel is right by Windsor castle will most likely tip the scales in its favour. Bring on the historical bling!

  35. bocadelperro +7

    I did some impulsive vintage shopping on ebay last weekend and the last of it is coming today. I’m soon to be the proud owner of a 100% silk fitted jacket from Valentino which is probably ever-so-slightly too small for me. Well, I’m finally taking care of my diet again, so I’m losing weight. It’s a really cool jacket, and totally work-appropriate. ::crosses fingers::

    In related used-clothing-buying news, I’ve discovered liketwice.com, which is like buffalo exchange from the comfort of your home/office/library computer terminal/wifi-enabled passenger seat. Two of the pieces I bought this week (like I said, I did some impulsive shopping) still had their retail tags on them.

    Any other thrift/vintage/general clothing-related victories this week, toasties?

    1. coloredlights +2

      I am intrigued by liketwice.com but will it give me the same feeling of inferiority and frumpiness as when Buffalo Exchange goes through two huge suitcases of my old clothes and accepts only one pair of jeans and one shirt into their world of hipster coolness?

      1. bocadelperro +1

        1: Ugh, Buffalo buyers. For what it’s worth, the buyers at Buffalo are (or at least were, 15 years ago when my high school friends worked there) instructed to be assholes. I think it’s shitty, and why I avoided shopping there, despite living for 11 yars in AZ, where they were born (and have approximately eleventy billion locations).

        2: It’s all done by mail, so at the very least, you won’t have to deal with the sneers. They’re also pretty clear about the brands they want ( https://www.liketwice.com/sell/#how-much-can-i-ea… )

    2. CNM +1

      I LOVE LIKETWICE and I buy a lot of clothes from them. I just ordered a cool black dress from one of my favorite brands (Johnny Was) on Tuesday and I’m eagerly awaiting its arrival. I also have had good experiences selling with them, in care you’re interested in doing that. It’s cash-in-hand, rather than consignment, which is nice.

      1. deleted7410012 +2

        johnny was makes such gorgeous clothes! it’s so far from my own style (i favor structured minimalism, rather than flowing embroidery) but i always go in just to touch everything and ooh and ahh at all the silk scarves.

    3. bocadelperro +1

      The jacket just came. It’s skin tight at the moment, but I suspect it may have been cut to be skin tight. It’s definitely 80s or early 90s, (faceted white plastic buttons!) with a 50s vibe. It’s SUPER cropped–I’m 5’2″, and it ends a good 3 inches above my navel. I’m sure it will look great with a high-waisted pencil skirt or pants. Thanks DC goodwill ebay store!

    4. HotDoom +2

      That jacket sounds awesome!
      My victory this week has been (sadly) culling my clothing, a lot of which was vintage. I didn’t wear most of it, and the pieces had sentimental value, but they were taking up so much space that they were becoming a burden. Some of the pieces were my grandmother’s from the 50s-70s, but hey, maybe my loss is someone else’s gain!

      Oooh ooh and a friend of mine moved to Bangkok and in her cull, gave me a pair of 80s Stuart Weitzman heels I’ve been coveting since she got them in 2007. They’re kelly green damask with big fat bows on the heels and I laaaaaaahve them.

      1. bocadelperro +1

        It’s amazing. The DC goodwill fashionista called it “my loveliest designer find of all time.” It’s certainly among mine. http://www.fashionofgoodwill.org/blog/valentino-j…

        I reduced my wardrobe by roughly a third in November. It was difficult, but so liberating (although I wish I had known about liketwice back then!) I couldn’t bring myself to purge my vintage, and it’s serving as one of the main motivators to sticking to healthier living (“if you go back to a PCOS-friendly diet you’ll lose weight and probably be able to wear your grandmother’s suits again!”).

        Those shoes sound awesome, congratulations!

  36. katiemcgillicuddy +8

    SPORTSSSSSS OH GOD WHY DO I DO THIS WHY WITH THE SPORTS

    KD came to DC and some jackass wore a “Durant 35” Wizards jersey, and just, guy, please don’t actively jinx us. And then we lost. And, why, Randy Whitman, on actual Earth, do you give the last shot (in OT and reg, and both were terrible) to a John Wall having a terrible shooting night, instead of a Paul Pierce who has just fist-pump-nailed back-to-back 3 point daggers is beyond me, BUT I’M NOT THE COACH, FOR WHATEVER REASON (kidding i luv u randy, but seriously, dude what are you doing there).

    Watching Tom Brady yesterday was hilarious. Watching Mark “Mark” Brunell almost dissolve into his own tears over the idea that Tom Brady would lie to us was even better. God, the NFL is so beyond embarrassing. Weeee Super Bowl week!

    Max Scherzer to the Nats. Which means prob losing J Zimmerman, which is not surprising, but womp womp. More importantly, I will never forgive them for trading Tyler Clippard, NEVER.

    I’m tired, I’m tired of the sports, but if you guys want to chime in, please do tell me about your sportsball teams.

    Seriously, Tom Brady: <a href=”http://screengrabber.deadspin.com/tom-brady-talking-about-balls-the-supercut-1681225270/ bubbaprog” target=”_blank”> <a href=”http:// <a href=”http://;http://screengrabber.deadspin.com/tom-brady-talki…”” target=”_blank”>;http://screengrabber.deadspin.com/tom-brady-talki…” target=”_blank”> <a href=”http://;http://screengrabber.deadspin.com/tom-brady-talki…” target=”_blank”>;http://screengrabber.deadspin.com/tom-brady-talki…

    And Mark Brunell: <a href=”http://deadspin.com/mark-brunell-almost-cries-over-deflated-balls-1681235859″ target=”_blank”> <a href=”http:// <a href=”http://;http://deadspin.com/mark-brunell-almost-cries-ove…”” target=”_blank”>;http://deadspin.com/mark-brunell-almost-cries-ove…” target=”_blank”> <a href=”http://;http://deadspin.com/mark-brunell-almost-cries-ove…” target=”_blank”>;http://deadspin.com/mark-brunell-almost-cries-ove…

      1. mbculver +4

        One of the best things to happen out of this whole Deflategate nonsense was my Twitter feed yesterday, which was all balls, all the time. 13-year-old me just gloried in the whole thing.

        1. katiemcgillicuddy +5

          Some guys like old balls, some guys like tacky balls, some guys like round balls…

    3. StillT +1

      After that Packers/Seahawks debacle, sports are totally dead to me. I don’t even know how to watch this Super Bowl. The current menace of my favorite team against, well, the Patriots. No win.

      EXCEPT the Red Wings finally won a damn shootout (and have miraculously not lost a step despite Howard going down in the middle of his best year in recent memory), and my alma mater’s hockey team is ranked in the top 10 for the first time since, like, the early 90s. So, as is usually the case, hockey is the only good thing about winter time.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +2

        I’m just going to bitterly root against everyone.

        God bless hockey (except for the Caps last few games, but I think we’ll be okay, In Holtby We Trust)

      2. sausagedog +2

        BLOOD and TEARS

        (sorry I’m still hurting over that game. I love the Packers always and forever. The Seahawks are my second favorite team. Until one of them gets transferred to the AFC the hurt will continue. Seahawks had BETTER BEAT THE PATS, you hear me Wilson?! No more picks!!)

      3. rolotomassi5 +1

        Watching one of the most intensely beautiful and well played fourth quarters in the history of playoffs makes you hate sports?

        Confessed Hawks fan since forever. It was literally the worst game they ever played (for 3+ quarters) and the best game they ever played (4th quarter back half and OT).

    4. Rachel8489 +1

      I hope the Nats don’t drop J Zimmerman! I like him! But I do really really like our fucking powerhouse of a rotation for 2015 and I am ready and waiting for baseball season.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        He want to go. He’s a midwest boy and wants to be there. It’s also a risk to sign him long term now that he’s 30…but yeah, it sucks that he’s probably out of here.

        Pitchers and catchers report soon, my friend. Ready and waiting indeed.

        1. Rachel8489 +1

          And, while this is a silly reason to let a player go, I fully admit that if we can only have one Zimmerman I would pick Ryan, simply because I’m attached to my players who choose to stay with my team FOREVER. I was at Ryan Zimmerman’s first major league home game!

    5. breakdownhat +2

      Is anyone else watching the US National Figure Skating Champtionships? (That totally counts as a sport.)

      2. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        Hey, so you probably won’t see this, but I’m watching it now, and I love this Sean Rabbit fella! Just pulled into 3rd.

    6. m98widow +9

      Get rid of your sports, they are disgusting. I’m tired of the Patriots (my home team), I’m tired of Tom Brady, I’m tired of football in general, I think, and getting caught DEFLATING FOOTBALLS, CHRIST is the stupidest thing.

      But I do agree with the Deadspin opinion piece that was like “all of football is a house of cards comprised of gentlemen’s agreements and knowing which rules are enforced and which are a complete farce and all it takes is one person suddenly deciding they want the rules followed to the letter of the law to screw everything up.”

      This sport is literally killing people and we’re upset about PSI. But Jesus, Patriots, stop doing this shit!

      Ugh, at least there is hockey.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +2

        I loved the Magary piece skewering all the old dudes who were ranting about HOW DARE YOU TAINT THE INTEGRITY OF THE LEAGUE WONT SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN etc etc

      2. SarcasticFringehead +5

        Which is also why I can’t get too exercised about Marshawn Lynch refusing to take his “media duties” seriously. The NFL isn’t about sportsmanship or connecting with people or whatever bullshit they try to sell – it’s a money-making machine, and pretending it’s something nobler that he should be grateful to be a part of is ridiculous.

        1. katiemcgillicuddy +4

          What ridiculous is the report that says they are going to up his fines now. You say you’re going to fine guys who don’t talk? Fine! But them treating him like a misbehaving child, with increasing punishments is ridiculous. You can’t change the fucking fines on a whim just so you can lord your dick over the players.

          1. SarcasticFringehead +3

            Well, and aren’t most football interviews basically just like the Key & Peele sketch? Not that all football players are dumb, but lots of people are bad at talking to the media, and even the ones who are good at it aren’t going to be giving away big secrets.

        2. whizzdumb +7

          I think Marshawn Lynch is the best (beast) thing in football because you can see on his face and hear in his voice how much he’s fed up with the entire NFL, and rightfully so. Thank god there’s hockey, and baseball. Those are all I ever need in the realm of sport. Hockey is seriously so enjoyable to watch.

          1. SarcasticFringehead +6

            Right? He’s a fantastic player, but he’s got all these people like “he’s got a bad attitude” (with, of course, shades of “don’t get uppity”) like talking to reporters has literally anything to do with how he plays & how he is with the team. My friend and I were speculating about whether other players would contribute to a fund to pay his fines, since he’s such an asset to the team.

          3. mittenstheboar +4

            I love how much Richard Sherman talks about it. Like when he did a press conference with a cardboard cutout of one of his teammates.

          4. katiemcgillicuddy +2

            Oh god, the Doug Baldwin cutout press conference, so good. My secret boyfriend, Richard Sherman, is the best (the secret is that he doesn’t know he’s my boyfriend)

    7. bocadelperro +1

      I’m on record in November (after having my blood up in re: the Seahawks-Niners Thanksgiving game) as promising to boycott a Pats-Seahawks superbowl. So it’s time for me to put up or shut up, and I guess I’ll be going to the beach that day.

      Don’t ever make promises when you’re drunk, folks. Failing that, don’t let somebody else record you making that promises. Failing that, make sure the person recording you is not one of your siblings. Siiigh.

        1. bocadelperro +2

          A Cowboys-Patriots SB, while awful in so many ways (can you IMAGINE Troy Aikman? or ESPN?), would have had the virtue of introducing a new team, since Dallas hasn’t been to the Super Bowl since 1994. Instead we have last year’s winner vs. Darth Belichick and the evil empire of soft balls. Barf.

  37. vmartinipie +18

    That plate looks so damn good. My breakfast was not nearly as picturesque.

    On another note, thanks for the Toasties in the Monday open thread who counseled me about ending stuff with Dude. I did it, it sucked, he handled it well, now I am single again but feel like not much has changed honestly. Thanks for being you, Toastfolk.

    2. deleted7410012 +1

      hey, big thumbs up for doing what is right for you. it sounds like it was tough, but it also sounds like you are taking care of yourself.

  38. whizzdumb +42

    This is my 5th day in a row without any alcohol and this is a big deal for me. It feels amazing. My secret has been to stay in my apartment every night making good food, cleaning, and slightly exercising while drinking many glasses soda water+sliced lime+bitters (angostura). I know, I haven’t been put to any social tests, but I’m ready for the challenge, which is tonight and the whole weekend. I can do this. To think that my worst habit could be coffee is mind-boggling and exiting.

    1. meetapossum +6

      Hooray! You can do it!

      Coffee is by far my worst habit. I miss alcohol, but I think I would kill people if I had to give up coffee.

      1. whizzdumb +2

        Oh and without booze, I think hunching over playing on my phone is new worst habit, so bad for neck/upper back, not to mention work habits. Do not bring up my work habits!

      2. dancingcrowdesigns +1

        I misread your username as metapossum, and i spent a happy minute thinking about ur-possums and what or how a meta possum might present…

        I would also kill people if I had no coffee.

    2. whizzdumb +12

      I am not defining my future, not setting long-term goals for drinking. I want to go at least a full week and then reset a short-term goal. I would like to be able to enjoy: a beer or two, a cocktail or 2, or a glass of wine or 2 every now and then. I just enjoy drinking liquids (alcoholic or non) of all kinds so much. I mean, did I tell y’all I got a juicer? I make all sorts of crazy juices now! The thing was only $40 at a popular retail chain that is not Wal-Mart.

      1. meetapossum +9

        Yes, this “one or two” business is my issue when it comes to the end of Drynuary. I’m not great with moderation, especially of liquids of any kind.

        1. whizzdumb +6

          I have thought of so many analogies for “moderation” it is becoming a modern myth in my mind. One is that while on the sober train, it certainly does not stop at the wretched podunk drunk towns, but it will stop at moderation towns. But like snooty suburbs, I do not fit in there and would be run out of town, back to the waste(d)land. Best to stay on the train for a while. This also reminds me that I don’t want to be preachy or adopt that anti-drinking alcohol hate that a couple friends have shown. I think I’ll start a journal of my thoughts on drinking instead of sharing them with others all the time. It has kind-of been done to death, for lack of better terminology.

        1. whizzdumb +1

          Uh yeah! Trial and error is a huge part of it, and I’m a cook not a baker in that nothing is ever measured, so here’s my can’t-fail “recipe”:
          Mostly carrots, some celery, some cucumber, an apple, a pear, no more than half a beet, a small chunk of ginger. Root veggies dominate flavor and color but that is A-Okay by me.
          I made one with tomatoes, celery, some jalapeno and a cherry bomb pepper that ended up way too spicy so I’ve been mixing it in with and reducing while cooking food to surprisingly good results.

    3. paddlepickle +11

      I recently took a month off drinking and am now trying to limit myself to 2-4 drinks a week, so, solidarity! The social part is definitely hardest, though I found it useful in an odd way. It really helped me to pinpoint why I tend to go for a drink when I do– awkward pauses, general social anxiety. It was helpful to just be like ‘you know what, I’m just going to take a deep breath and let this feeling pass until I’m engaged in the party and not thinking about drinking again’. It also brought into sharp relief the difference between social occasions I really want to be at and those I don’t– birthday party for a cool new friend where I met a bunch of awesome new people? Barely noticed I wasn’t drinking. Shitty club in the meatpacking district with people I wanted to see but couldn’t hear speak? I had to leave after half an hour. And it was AWESOME to just go home, knowing I’d feel great in the morning and that in normal circumstances I would have just had enough drinks that I’d be able to sort-of enjoy the terrible club, and then feel awful and hungover the whole next day.

      Now that I’ve taken the break, my tolerance is WAY lower which is bad and good– it’s easier not to drink too much, but three drinks can make me feel horrible and I don’t like feeling so sensitive. Anyways, good luck! Sorry I rambled on here.

      1. whizzdumb +6

        great ramble! I have definitely been like, “this bar/party sucks but if I drink enough, it’ll definitely turn into fun.” When I could just leave and do something I enjoy more. I hear you on the tolerance/hangover front. Just the way it has to be. We are similar in ways.

    1. houblonchouffe +4

      AGONNYYYYYYY

      eta you must be in my brain because that song popped into my head just a few minutes ago. HOW.

    2. ladyimogen +3

      Just saw that last weekend and we spilled popcorn everywhere in convulsive giggle fits during that song. THANK YOU.

    3. Rachel8489 +8

      This was probably the best thing about that movie. I mean, that song is hilarious when it’s on a blank stage. BUT ON A WATERFALL? I love that they basically decided “how ridiculous of a setting can we give this?”

    4. gripyfish +12

      I am still so, so sad they didn’t also do the Agony reprise, for double the CPine ridiculousness.

      1. Rachel8489 +4

        Agreed! I understand why they cut it – it made sense to cut it – but but but

        AGONY!

        (dwarves are very upsetting…)

        1. houblonchouffe +5

          I was seriously wondering how they’d get away with that line. Apparently the answer was “basically, cut the second act in half.”

          V v sad that Rapunzel didn’t get to tell off the Witch. V. v. sad.

    5. blushingflower +9

      I LOVE THAT SCENE SO MUCH

      The leather pants! The pelvic thrusts! The competitive shirt-ripping!

      I understand why they cut the Agony reprise but it makes me sad because a) that song is funny as shit and b) it meant less time watching Chis Pine ham it up. He is SO GOOD in that role.

      (I read a review of the movie that basically hated this scene and I was like “um, pretty sure you missed the point”.)

      1. PotterPotterson +4

        I’m more upset over cutting up the second act because I felt like they just took the teeth out of the whole show. Ugh. Yes, I know, MOVIES. But still.

        Good thing the STL MUNY is going to be doing the show this upcoming summer so I can get my Sondheim fix!

  40. winterbymorning +11

    FALLEN LONDON THREAD!

    I have not had the most exciting week. I’ve been focusing my efforts mostly on acquiring beeswax and stolen correspondence so I can turn them into phosphorescent scarabs and memories of light respectively. Then I just need a few thousand rostygold and I can finally build my zubmarine!

    1. aqueousmedium +4

      I assembled the requisite small army of Villains but failed on my first attempt to salvage the Zee-Clipper, so while I gather the courage (and thugs) to try again, I’m building up expedition supplies to finally tackle the Cave of the Nadir. Also, super excited about having opened up Wilmot’s End – hurray for spycraft!

    2. haliegirl +4

      I am slowly building up expedition supplies to go and use my eyeless skull. It’s going to take forever.

    3. elsajeni +4

      I have been pummeling my way through the Black Ribbon duels! Also, dying a fair amount. Dangerous challenges: actually kinda dangerous.

      1. elsajeni +3

        Aaaand I’m dead again. Ooh, but I got the “Courier for the Dead” card! I can cheat against Chi Lan!

    4. dyingofthatroar +3

      I got a basalt gymnasium this week – my first home comfort! I also joined a certain secret club, that may end up sending me adventuring across the zee…

    5. gallimaufry_ +4

      I recently became a POSI and now there are so many things to do, I don’t really know where to start. I keep ending up back in the Labyrinth of Tigers because I just love the tiger keeper so much, but I should probably do something about trying to buy a boat.

      2. Bunburying +4

        I was having so much fun in the Labyrinth of Tigers until I got to Coil 3, when ๐Ÿ˜€ turned into D:

        oh god let me go back and floss the rhino again pleeeease

    6. CaptainNancy +3

      I opened up the way to the Flit, and almost immediately got thrown in jail! I’m still seething about that. I’m not a criminal! I just… bend the rules sometimes

    7. Bunburying +5

      OH MAN what an eventful couple of weeks I’ve had. I made my first trip to a very purple place and I didn’t understand the mechanics of it so I ended up with 12 Irrigo when I left, which drained a frankly hilarious amount of stats away. (I’m not mad about it though, because I’ve heard about what “Seeking” does to youโ€ฆ)

      I also got two points of Notability right in a row, and I just became a “Murderer”! What a judgmental word; I prefer the term “Waste Disposal Expert.”

      AND, after spending 829478963 days flipping cards in Ladybones Road for specifically this reason, I FINALLY found my very own Salt Weasel omg it is so cute I love her I loave her I luff her. And I named her ERMIONE and you need to deal with it.

      1. aqueousmedium +2

        ERMIONE YES AWESOME

        Notability(at least the first point) seems awfully difficult to obtain without spamming the entire world with social actions. Is it something a reasonably-new POSI should be fussed about, or can it be tackled later?

        1. Bunburying +2

          Eh I dunno, I’m new to it also and got the (apparently quite rare) card for it twice in a row by happenstance, but it seems like at the moment there’s not much to be done with it except to get 2 points to advance to the next tier of professions, if you’d like to do that (and that also requires waiting for another rare card). Basically it seems like there’s no hurry!

          Also, it SEEMS like the way Notability works is that getting several points of Bizarre/Dreaded/Respectable is a lot more efficient than trying to get your Making Waves up to stratospheric levels, so try equipping all your shiny new POSI stuff that gives you a bunch of that stuff if you’re having trouble with it when the card shows up!

          2. winterbymorning +2

            Once you get at least one point of Notability (and the required amount of Making Waves) you can summon Slowcake’s Amanuensis in your lodgings through the “Attend to matters of society and scandal” option.

            In the Singing Mandrake, you can earn Making Waves by associating yourself with a literary school or starting a spat with the leader of your school. If you’re at Court, any of the options under The Life of the Mind will give you 1 CP of Making Waves (and either proscribed materials, stolen correspondence or prisoner’s honey).

            I don’t understand how B/D/R affect Notability, though ๐Ÿ™

          3. dyingofthatroar +3

            The formula is 20-BDR+4N, where N is your existing notability. So I have 13 BDR when equipped that way, so to get the first point of notability I need 7 making waves (20-13+0), then the second point of notability costs 11 making waves (20-13+4), then 15 (20-13+8), and so on. So as you get more BDR it gets cheaper in making waves.

            For comparison, having BDR5 costs 15, 19, and 23 making waves for each of the first 3 points of notability.
            BDR10 costs 10, 14, and 18.
            BDR15 costs 5, 9, and 13.
            BDR20 costs 0, 4, and 8.
            (yes I made an excel spreadsheet)

    8. Racheldreamss +2

      I am still a fairly new player, I suppose, progressing kind of slowly — would love to make more acquaintances for social actions! I’m Ryssdreams.

  41. ladyimogen +9

    Fallen London thread! I became a Baron of the Press with my scandal sheet, whose name I shamelessly stole from Mallory and Nicole’s reject pile.

    1. spring chickens +2

      hurrah!
      I hope you are successful! My first two editions were used mainly to wrap fish, and I have had trouble figuring out how to maximize my great copy to have a good run. (tips welcome!)

      As for me, just got back from a long sea voyage that included a stop at Polythreme. It was strange and fascinating but I missed social actions and run-ins with Fallen London players from here, so do hit me up again if you are feeling social — just no boxed cats or Affluent Photographer investigates, please! la_colonelle_Chabert.

      1. ladyimogen +3

        I just gleefully selected the more seedy and scandal-worthy options
        for copy at each and every opportunity, and it all came together in
        the end (waves hand dramatically and condescendingly through the air).

  42. StillT +10

    Alright, Toasties – looking for some perspectives/encouragement/advice.

    There’s a panel coming up in the next few months about social media use in my field, and my boss recommended that I might be a good fit as a panelist. As cool as it would be, and as much of a great opportunity as it would be, I am having MAJOR impostor syndrome issues over it. I’ve managed social media accounts for my jobs for the past 6 years, and while I’m no expert, I do have some insights and advice that I think are worth sharing. However, I can’t seem to convince myself that I belong on such a panel at all.

    Um. Help? I think? Please?

    1. Lily_Rowan +10

      This is not as much help up-front, but just wait until you get there and see how your fellow panelists are just jokers and/or regular people like you! And you have so many amazing things to say that people really appreciate! If you’ve been doing social media for 6 years, you are 100% an expert. Dooo eet.

      (I was on a panel once, and someone thanked me afterward on the street and it was very very exciting and validating.)

      1. StillT +1

        This is actually a super helpful reminder. There have been lots of situations where I felt like I was going to be totally useless, and then realized everyone else was just as nervous and uncertain as I was. Thanks!

      2. TheclaAndSeals +4

        Yeah, I was coming down here to say that 6 years = expert. Like, @StillTerry has been managing social media accounts for practically as long as businesses have had them!

    2. bocadelperro +8

      I have constantly-recurring impostor syndrome. Here’s how I get through it.

      If this is the sort of panel where you have to give a short presentation and then there’s a discussion:
      1. Imagine what you would say if you were explaining the problem to friends over drinks/dinner. (or: actually do this! I find smart outsiders often ask the best questions!)
      2. Write down all the points you would make to your friends.
      3. Write the presentation, covering these points.
      4. Trust in your ability to bullshit to answer the later questions.

      If this is the sort of panel where people just throw up questions for you, repeat steps 1&2, but instead of writing a presentation, just take general notes on things you think will be covered.

      1. StillT +1

        I’m actually not sure what type of panel it is, so I followed up to ask. Thanks! That helps a lot.

    3. elsamac +6

      I’ve managed social media accounts for my jobs for the past 6 years, and while I’m no expert

      Let’s try a thought experiment: I am presented to you as an expert in social media use. What qualifications would you expect me to have?

      Because from where I’m standing, “I’ve managed social media accounts professionally for over half a decade” sounds like a heck of a qualification. I’m having trouble thinking of a substantially different or better qualification.

  43. shartbreaker +178

    So the other night I woke up because my floor was vibrating with thumps and someone was screaming (male) and someone else was crying (lady). I ran outside and it was def my new neighbor fighting, so I put my clothes on and called the cops.

    I went to her door, which was broken in, and knocked loudly. She screamed, so I ran in (broken glass everywhere! what happens if he has a gun?) and saw a large man (later ID’d as her crazy ex) pinning her down. “HEY. HEY. HEY,” I yelled intelligently, storming at this idiot male I was so mad at. He backed up and ran past me, out the door.

    I sat with my neighbor until the cops came and she was all calmed down. Cops caught him and made sure to get everything he could be charged with. My boyfriend made us hot chocolate.

    Here’s the thing! I was hesitant to call because I have weird ideas about domestic violence from the media? I sort of assumed she would blow me off or get mad that I was in her business, or the cops would be mean and unhelpful. But she was really grateful and the cops were so nice. She even said someone else had banged on the window and she yelled at them to help but they just left. So I guess, if anyone has that situation, please don’t hesitate because I’m glad I did what I did.

    2. Lily_Rowan +38

      Holy crap, you are a hero! I would ( and have) just called the cops and stayed behind my locked door.

    6. Bryn (Plus Others) +21

      You are AMAZING. Wow. It takes really serious courage to go in there like and do what you did. I hope you are seriously celebrating yourself. And good for your boyfriend with the hot chocolate!

    11. BourneApprox +12

      Holy crap. I mean, holy crap. You’re a 100% certified badass and awesome human being.

      1. shartbreaker +29

        !! <3
        Actually, all the misandering with lovely Toasties was like having a huge crowd of angry feminists with me, forming this invincible shield of indignant rage, so I was only mad and not scared.

    14. donkeywork +9

      Thanks for your bravery, and for sharing your story in this context. I would have had the same fears you did. It’s good to see they were unfounded, and that you were able to help someone in a hella scary situation.

  45. MilesofMountain +5

    Anyone else getting on the fermentation trend? Ever since I finally admitted that not using chlorinated tap water and only using organic ginger wasn’t just hippie bullshit, I’ve been doing sauerkraut and fermented carrots no problem. I have had no luck whatsoever with making a ginger bug, though. It just doesn’t ferment. It doesn’t do anything at all and then the 1 week is up and I’m supposed to throw it out. My house is a bit on the cold side (19C/66F in the day, 17C/63F at night) so I wondered if that was the issue and decided to keep it a bit longer. This time, after the 1 week mark there were tiny bubbles and a bit of white precipitate, which was hopeful but I had to leave town for 4 days so I put it in the fridge. Now I’m really hoping it’ll come back. Does anyone with more experience have any idea if that’s still likely, or what the hell I’m doing wrong that it won’t ferment?

      1. MilesofMountain +1

        I’ve been using this recipe: this one at Nourished Kitchen but I’ve looked at other online recipes and they all say different things! A couple said you HAD to use demerara sugar, a couple others said you couldn’t use anything but white sugar, some said you needed to include the ginger peel. It’s surprisingly complicated for three ingredients.

    2. Rรคven +3

      I’ve never tried fermenting ginger specifically, but your house is pretty chilly, and I’d bet you just need longer – starting anything like that, there’s usually a moment where the exponential growth just kicks in and it’s really fizzing, and it sounds like you’re just not getting there in a week. (Maybe you were on the cusp of it when you left, though.)
      I live with a sourdough levain that can hang out in the fridge for weeks, but it’s really robust. If your ginger bug wasn’t really going yet, it might not have survived the cool down – shouldn’t do any harm to try waking it up, but if you’re home for longer you might want to just start anew. Is there a radiator or stovetop that’s a little warmer?

      1. amanita +3

        Or the top of the fridge! I’ve made creme fraiche on the top of the fridge before and I bet it’d be just about perfect. I’ve played fast and loose with all the ginger bug rules – fed it with ground ginger and fresh, used HONEY which isn’t supposed to work but does for me – and the only real constants have been organic ginger + water that’s been allowed to off-gas the chlorine + a warm enough room.

        I looooooove fermenting! Lacto-fermented soda is my jam – you can control the sweetness and make it as pop-y or as medicinal as you like. I haven’t been working on it this winter, but I did some very nice ginger ales (there is really nothing like a dark & stormy made with your own goddamn ginger ale) and some herby-fruit concoctions. They have lactobacillus, is why it’s better for you than soda! Is what I tell myself. I’ve also fermented a variety of vegetables, and the only fail so far has been some very stinky brussels sprouts. They tasted incredible but smelled like pure fart. Just 100% pure fart.

        I also love salt-preserved citrus. Now I’m in the midwest, good lemons are hard to find (and are expensive) so when they go on sale I put up a big old jar of them and then I have my cooking-lemons for months and months. I’ve also used preserved lemon in lacto fermented soda! Double ferment!

        1. Rรคven +2

          I have an insane amount of preserved lemons in the house and will now consider the soda-ing thereof!

          1. amanita +2

            It can be a little titchy what with the salt content but it can add a really nice complex layer – I did a ginger/preserved lemon drink that basically became the Official Amanita Flavor of Summer, 2013. So dang good.

    3. Absotively +2

      This is pretty much the bottom level of any fermentation trend, but I made yogurt for the second time last week.

      The first time, I accidentally left the last bits of yogurt in my fridge for much too long, so I had to buy new yogurt to use as starter for this time. But I bought a different brand and I’m not sure I like the result quite as much, so I’ll have to buy a little thing of the first brand again for the next batch.

      I was thinking that if I put a little in the freezer right after I make it, then I wouldn’t have to worry about remembering to save some for starter. All the food safety stuff always says that freezing doesn’t kill bacteria, and I know they’re talking mostly about harmful bacteria, but I’m hoping that applies to yogurt bacteria too.

    4. actualmeg +2

      No tips, just wanted to commiserate as a fellow ginger bug failure person. I want to try making kombucha because it’s so damn expensive bottled, but I think my kitchen might be too chilly.

    5. laurenipsum +2

      Yeah fermentation! I need to figure out if I can revive my water kefir grains or if I need to toss them and start over.

  46. queenofbithynia +138

    hello toast please help, how do I keep my cat from running away with the maintenance man, she is in love with him. they have:

    1. shared interests. YOU like the cabinets under the kitchen sink too? she says to him. did you know there are cabinets under the bathroom sink also? YOU DO? let’s be together always

    2. an emotional rapport. he is a little afraid of her and will not look her in the face. the last frightened man I invited over tried to overcome his fear and extend the hand of friendship so she bit him and then rolled on his boots. she would never do that to the maintenance man, she loves him too well. she puts her face on all his drill bits so he will never forget her.

    anyway I locked her in the bedroom until he was gone because she is not allowed to form illicit attachments and she is not old enough to get married without the permission of her guardian, which she will not get. and I told her he does not even want to abduct her, he wants to fix the drains and replace the lock and go away. but I know she thinks I am lying.

      1. queenofbithynia +35

        my kindle has a lot of shitty regency romances in it just at the moment and she has been sitting on it an awful lot, so I hope she doesn’t get some harebrained idea in her head about running off to London for a special license or something.

        also in those books there is a big trend towards you find out that the romantic hero is not really a dick like he seems, he is just pretending to be one so that nobody will discover his shameful childhood secret of undiagnosed dyslexia or other mild learning disability (but it’s usually dyslexia.) I got to explain to her that nobody will think she is incredibly noble for being an alpha cat who can’t open doorknobs or put on her own pants but compensates by being loud and overbearing. that would only have worked in the 19th century. the maintenance man don’t care.

        1. dyingofthatroar +7

          But *he can’t read*! How else he supposed to cope except by being super-dickish to everyone?

          1. queenofbithynia +9

            what I want to know is why isn’t that guy ever in the same book with the other cliche, the lady who pretends to be too dumb to read although actually her trouble is she needs glasses, instead of the lady who forces him into elaborate lies by always wanting to ask him his opinion of novels. that would be a harmonious marriage and a shorter book.

            and shit I can’t remember what one it was where the lady’s shameful secret is a flat chest and so she invents a regency push-up brar and is afraid to get naked with the fellow for fear of disappointing. AS IF ANYONE READS HISTORICALS FOR THIS NONSENSE.

          2. dyingofthatroar +1

            I think you’ve fixed it! Match up those people together, so the misunderstandings and lies never happen!

            I did once read a rather sweet historical romance where the heroine had had a mastectomy โ€” the author rather ramped up the tension about the terrible ‘scars’ she had, but it was an interesting idea.

    3. pamplemoussi +18

      This story made me laugh at my desk, which is always embarrassing. I think this is exactly how my parents’ cats feel about my (very allergic) husband. They always come as close to him as possible, just to get as much fur/dander on him as they can so as not to be forgotten.

    4. literarysara +10

      CATS IN LOVE. She may never forget him, but she will redirect her attentions to someone else in due time, no worries. (or worry a lot? It sounds like your cat is kind of intense.)

      One of my cats is in love with the gentleman I am seeing casually, but she is slightly shy of him too so there is a lot of creepy, moony staring from across the room.

    5. dakimel +11

      Are we sure he’s not stashing catnip in his toolbox? Cat predators may pretend they’re innocuous dudes with wrenches, and turn out to have been carefully laying cat-traps all along.

    6. whizzdumb +24

      I feel like this story is too good for the mere comments section. To play armchair editor: Expand this, more please!

    7. coloredlights +29

      My cat fell in love with the DM of my former Dungeons & Dragons campaign! She spent all of every session trying to simultaneously sit on every one of his character sheets AND his lap, while purring and meowing at him to pet her. He nominated her as assistant DM and I believe this is why that campaign involved things like a clumsy pixie who consistently failed at landing on the antlers of a giant elk.

      But then he moved to another state and my cat has redirected her affections to my empty suitcase.

    9. aqueousmedium +13

      hands down best subthread of the day. I wish your cat and her reluctant suitor all the best.

    10. BourneApprox +6

      God damn it, I’m giggling like a schoolgirl here in the middle of a very serious computer monitoring station. A+++ would read about forbidden cat love again.

    11. shartbreaker +12

      Actually I do have a relevant remark! My best friend’s childhood cat sexually imprinted on him I guess because every time he goes home, she goes into heat and tries bang with him. Which is admittedly also my reaction.
      So I guess this is a normal cat thing to do that happens all the time.
      Cats are nasty.

  47. GreenGrasses +9

    Eeeek my partner is quitting his (terrible horrible soul-sucking) job today without anything else lined up! We can survive on my income but it’s still going to be a challenging time for us.

    In other news, we got tickets to Bob’s Burgers Live here in Boston! I can’t wait, even though it’s all the way at the end of March!

    1. PaigePoo +3

      1. WHAT IS BOB’S BURGERS LIVE. WHY ISN’T IT HAPPENING EVERYWHERE ALWAYS.

      2. My husband quit his terrible horrible soul-sucking job a couple years ago, a mere week after we’d gotten married. It was a tough 6 months of his unemployment, but he has an amazing and fulfilling job now, and he never would have had this opportunity if he hadn’t quit.

      Godspeed!!

      1. GreenGrasses +1

        Ch-ch-ch-check it out! http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/trending/Bobs-…. Hopefully they’re comin’ to your town!

        I’m so glad everything worked out for you guys!! I keep telling myself that of course quitting is necessary, and now he can be spending quality time looking for a new position. And it sounds like, based on your husband’s experience, I have reason to hope that everything will turn out fine!!

  48. ocwut +44

    TRANS REPORT

    Hello, Toast comment section! It’s been a while – everything still good?

    OF COURSE IT IS YOU GUYS ARE GREAT

    So, in trans-related news, nothing much to report. I just missed it here. <3 It’s good to be back.

  49. jenavira +27

    FELLOW TOASTRONS, MY NEWS THIS WEEK:

    1. I did not get the job I interviewed for at the beginning of the month, but that’s okay because
    2. I got a huge stinkin’ raise and
    3. the promise that this summer, in the new fiscal year, I’ll be made full-time at my current job!

    I have been dancing around like a loon IN SECRET for days, because this is going to be suuuuuuuuper awkward. A good friend of mine works at the same place and helped get me this job, and she…is not getting these perks, although she’s been complaining about not having them for a while. (We both got hired on at 32 hours a week and treated like we’re full-time employees except for, y’know, the total lack of benefits, this is absolutely shitty behavior and everyone working like this should be full-time, I agree, but I have no power over this decision other than my constitutional inability to not work my butt off for a job I actually enjoy.) She doesn’t have to know about the raise, but things are gonna get tetchy this summer when the full-time thing happens.

    1. allanaaa +2

      Maybe she’s getting the same, and your concern will inexplicably turn to a weird twinge of jealousy? And then you both get drunk and confess to each other how awkward you felt about it all and then hug!

      1. jenavira +2

        I SHALL HOPE DESPERATELY FOR THIS. (It’s exactly what happened when we both independently decided we didn’t want to be roommates any more, and then both awkwardly tried to figure out how to raise the subject for a solid six months.)

  50. dakimel +10

    I am going out on a limb and hosting TWO meals at my house this weekend. I so rarely entertain, and especially so rarely entertain people not in my family. But tonight 6 friends are coming for dinner / birthday of one of them, and Sunday my gang of high school friends that I lunch with monthly is going to meet here instead of at our usual host’s place since her spouse is sick.

    I’m totally fretting over tonight, especially, but I know it’ll be good for me, not to mention that it’s been ages since I’ve hosted this particular group, which tends to meet every month or so at one of their houses or sometimes a restaurant. I haven’t figured out what to make for them! And dinner’s in 7 hours! I am doomed. Or doomed to get takeout, perhaps.

    1. dakimel +2

      At least my house is clean. My housekeeper is here right now. Listening to a Billy Joel song in Spanish, which wasn’t something I knew existed.

    2. elsamac +2

      That sounds greeeeeeeat. I fret, too, every single time I have even a single guest over. I think some of just are that way: natural born fretters, no matter how prepared or relaxed you are.

      Have fun!

  51. Sanjay +5

    Comics news: I just read The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl and it is so charming and good and I can’t wait for the next installment. I can’t believe I’m actually excited for a Marvel property, but here we are!

    In other comic news, I made three comics this week I was really proud of. I used some new techniques that I haven’t played with before at it was really rewarding that they turned out okay.

    The last one is kind of a bummer so maybe don’t look at it if you don’t want to be bummed out right now:

    Shapeshifter

    Cast a Spell

    Make Yourself Indispensable

    1. irishbreakfasttime +2

      oh, glad you posted these here! I suffer from Too Many Comics In The RSS Reader and missed these. Cast A Spell is excellent.

  52. haliegirl +7

    I just found out this week that Neil deGrasse Tyson is going to be coming to my town and speaking in a month and a half! I am so excited. If I wasn’t having to save up for a couple plane tickets, I would be so tempted to spend the $100 for the VIP ticket and actually get to meet him!

    1. GreenGrasses +1

      I just went and saw him when he was here (Boston)! I was actually kind of disappointed, but it may be because he had to throw his speech together last minute. Originally they only had one date in Boston but then the tickets sold out really fast so they added another. I went to the second one and it was just… not super compelling? But, the first night’s talk was on the science of movies, which sounded awesome and would totally be worth it if that’s what you get to see!!

    2. SmrtCookie +1

      NgT is in my city next week and tickets are SO EXPENSIVE. Like way way back balcony and $80. Not cool.

      1. haliegirl +2

        Come to small college towns in the west where tickets are only $25! (ignore the fact that the cost doesn’t even out when you consider plane tickets)

  53. MmeSiniichulok +6

    So in the latest installment of Where Is Mme. Siniichulok’s Period, I just saw my acupuncturist (also a physician back in the Old Country), who said she thinks it’s my giant fibroid tricking the body and possibly releasing hormones of its own (though regular-doctor blood workups say my hormones are normal except for the let’s-make-milk one, which is useless to me right now). She’s extra gung-ho about removing it if she can’t shrink it, and I really don’t want to do that. FWIW she also said it’s easier to treat fibroids than hormone imbalances so I’m in luck, but she wants the results of an ultrasound. My clueless family doctor was all, “oh…I guess we should have gotten an ultrasound months ago..OK!” So I’m supposed to get one next Friday (Fridays are the days M. Siniichulok can be with Mini Siniichulok and go to work later) and also see a gyno the next week, and M. Siniichulok was all “DAMMIT your health problems are so expensive and a pain in the butt!” He explained that he wasn’t mad at me but at the “situation” (underemployment at a job he hates, which I’ve done so I know it sucks), but was then such a jerk about it that it was nice to see him off to work. This plus minimal sleep plus Mini Siniichulok’s pediatrician’s insensitively delivered freakout about his possible speech delay is draining the life out of me. It’s a beautiful day though, so once Mini Siniichulok wakes up from his nap I’m going to get myself some kind of giant overpriced coffee thing with excessive bells and whistles and take him to the park.

  54. effableobject +13

    So I’ve been engaged for like…a month? So far we’ve planned the date and booked the venue, the DJ, the photographer, the caterer/bartender, and the rabbi, and put together the website/RSVP form. Also I bought a fancy-ass dress, and got price quotes for all the stuff we need that doesn’t come with the venue (tables, chairs, etc). So after we mail out the invitations (which we already ordered), I have basically nothing to do until the actual wedding.

    Also I’m going to Bonnaroo. Anyone else going to Bonnaroo?

      1. effableobject +5

        Thanks! I am very into planning stuff. And I tend to get anxious if I know there’s something that needs to be done but I’m not actively working on it.

    2. christoncracker +4

      Dang! It took me 10 months to accomplish that. I have two months left and there is a ton to do. I was very breezy about the whole thing and that was WRONG. So good on you.

    3. longlostlullaby +4

      Man, you are on top of things. Plan my wedding for me? You have plenty of time as I am single. I just want to reserve your services now as clearly your future wedding planning company will be a massive success.

    4. houblonchouffe +2

      I am a) duly impressed, b) quite intimidated, c) shamed into spending my weekend planning, which THANK YOU, I needed that [to not come from my mother]

      1. effableobject +1

        You can do it! I just kept a bunch of spreadsheets open in google docs to track what needed to be done and what my budget for each thing was, and where my leads were. The worst part was waiting to hear back from venues and people.

        1. houblonchouffe +1

          Budget. Ah. Yeah, that thing. That we don’t have. Ah.

          Luckily our shebang is sort of self-doing in that the only thing we actually have to reserve is transportation, and then book a block of hotel rooms, no venues or anything. Anyway, well done, you!

  55. laurenipsum +14

    What are you reading? I devoured Ancillary Justice last weekend and loved it. I was already a SF fan and also enjoyed Iain M. Banks except there’s so much war all the time and so many dudes, and this was delightfully similar but different. Afterwards I read the reviews on Goodreads and there were some thoughtful critical reviews by folks who didn’t like it. I couldn’t really argue with their points but at the same time I didn’t really care, I just loved it so much.

    Now I have started The Luminaries after someone here mentioned it and it was on sale on Kindle. It is a bit slow going to start — will it improve? I expect it will …

    1. tehvin +7

      I finally got down to Wild Seed by Octavia Butler and am really loving it. Sought refuge in that book after giving up on a book recommended by a friend that didn’t really jive.

        1. tehvin +2

          I was going to say “yeah me too!” except I realize now I haven’t read anything by her before but am in so in love with her name (so evocative!) I just assumed I would like her writing.

    2. Rachel8489 +1

      I’m working on The Divide by Matt Taibbi. It’s interesting but dense and kind of difficult, and I think that reading it on a Kindle means the illustrations have far less impact. I need some fiction next!

    3. catoclock +4

      I just finished All the Light We Cannot See and I’m still freaking out about it. So so so good. I’m currently reading Wolf in White Van, aka the Mountain Goats book, and it’s deeply weird in a good way.

      1. octopoda +1

        I’ve been hearing so many good things about All the Light and it is in the ToB shortlist… need to get on that.

          4. dakimel +4

            How I know I love it the most: I wasn’t compelled after finishing it to write really long rants about it. (Looking at you, The Goldfinch and Everything I Never Told You.) I get highly irritable about books that come close to gorgeous perfection for me but reveal fatal writerly flaws (for me this is primarily a disregard of internal logic for a character, which I think happens when the author decides that the story she’s telling is paramount & thinking deeply about what a human living that life year in & year out would feel doesn’t influence the arc – so she ends up using the character as a metaphorical tool rather than letting the character be alive within in the text.) (Both the Tartt & the Ng had this issue, though with different manifestations.)

            Anyway, Mandel, in addition to creating a fabulous world (okay, with some ‘oh really?’ moments in how it came about) and exploring intriguing and fun themes, created characters I was intensely interested in and whose actions within the text were very true to life and to the personalities she drew for them. It made a huge difference in my ability to fall madly in love with her book.

          5. allofthewhine +2

            I might still be in the afterglow, but I really think this book was flawless. Compelling, real characters (who act like real people!) in a completely insane situation. I loved the descriptions of how they packed up, scavenged, lived, etc. I cried at an early airport scene, I underlined so many passages and phrases, I didn’t want this book to end.

            A++ will be recommending to everyone I know.

          6. octopoda +1

            Thanks, maybe I will start with these… I’ve already read Annihilation and the Paying Guests.

      2. irishbreakfasttime +1

        oh man, just finished Wolf recently and I am at once deeply impressed by the author’s restraint in not spelling everything out / tying up all the loose ends and super frustrated that I don’t know more about some of the plot points. Kind of the opposite of the more common “well, that was good, but it was about 100 pages too long.”

      3. rolotomassi5 +1

        I may or may not have stifled tears on public transportation at a certain point in All The Light… Such an amazing book. Such gorgeous writing and amazing characters

    4. octopoda +8

      Check out Ancially Sword now, same characters but in a new setting. I enjoyed it a lot.

      I’m currently reading William Gibson’s latest, which is a mix between the near future stuff he’s done in the last few books and the more sci-fi style he did earlier in his writing. Not bad.

      1. laurenipsum +6

        Yeah, I almost just bought it as soon as I finished the first one*, but I have a bunch of other Toast-recommended ebooks queued up already. I am leaving Ancillary Sword as a reward for getting through the backlog.

        * Sometimes working half a block from the university bookstore is not a good thing.

        1. octopoda +2

          I hear you on the backlog. Hmm, speaking of the bookstore, I still have a $15 gift card I need to spend there.

      2. PotterPotterson +3

        I am massively excited to read Gibson’s new book, but I’m waiting til I get through my current booky backlog and the price goes down before snagging it.

        My backlog includes the rest of Ancillary Justice, Station Eleven, Bad Feminist, and the tome of a tarot book I’m currently wading through, so it may be a while…

      3. TessierAshpool3 +3

        Ooooooh, is that _The Peripheral_? I really liked _Zero History_, and kind of felt like I needed to take a break after that one to let all the love sink in, but maybe I could handle another Gibson soon.

        1. octopoda +1

          That’s the one, got it for an xmas gift. It took a little bit to get a handle on it, he split between two narratives where it wasn’t clear exactly what was going on at first (or maybe I wasn’t reading close enough) but it gets explained explicitly pretty early on. A good mix of near-future speculative stuff and more fantsy sci-fi elements.

    5. cait0716 +3

      I am slowly but steadily making my way through The Wheel of Time. I’m about halfway through the third book – The Dragon Reborn – right now, and I’m starting to ship Egwene and Elayne. Anyone want to write me a femslash friday entry about them?

      Also slowly making my way through What If?, the xkcd book. It’s a good thing to pick up when TV goes to commercials

    6. m98widow +10

      I really enjoyed Ancillary Justice and Ancillary Sword. I (used to) listen to a Sci Fi book review podcast and he complained that it was too derivative of Alastair Reynolds because of the scene on the bridge at the beginning of AJ, but then I decided I hated this guy and his podcast and didn’t care about his opinions.

    7. dakimel +1

      I’m reading Jackaby by William Ritter (fun! light! sometimes creepy!) & also Brain Rules by John Medina (apparently I should sleep and exercise regularly! boring! but really accessible writing) & listening to Lucky Us by Amy Bloom (such a great writer = me being irritated when she uses writerly crutches like “remember when we lived here and thing 1 and thing 2 and thing 3 happened” letters as if people write like that anyway much less to people who were living through the exact same stuff.) Oh, also listening to Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, along with my son, so that’s slow going since we don’t have many ‘sit around and listen together’ times, but it’s fun.

      But I’m realizing that I’m currently reading 3 male-authored books, which is so unlike me. I guess I’ll finish the Ritter today or tomorrow and can begin to correct the imbalance.

    8. rangiferina +6

      I just started Station Eleven yesterday, and I’m really enjoying it! So thanks to all the Toasties who recommended it. Before that was The Martian, which… was OK, but I wasn’t wild about it at all. It’ll make a pretty great movie, though.

    9. gallimaufry_ +4

      Oh, The Luminaries. How far through are you? I didn’t hate it, but I did resent the time I had spent on it, tbh. Don’t want to say any more for fear of spoilers!

        1. gallimaufry_ +4

          I did – the plot does resolve in a mostly satisfying way (mostly), but it didn’t feel worth the effort to me, ultimately. I wished I had spent the time reading a couple of the other books on my neverending “to read” pile. Apparently it might be made into a mini-series, which I think might be a more rewarding way of hearing the story.

    10. dakimel +4

      Oh, and I did get into The Luminaries after the… learning curve, I guess? The hours reading began to fly by. It didn’t stick in my gut the way I kinda expected it to when I started, but it did keep me happy as it went along. The various strands came together really nicely, it felt well-knit.

      1. irishbreakfasttime +5

        Agreed, that first bit was a slog but I happened to read it on an airplane which kept me reading when I might otherwise have wandered off. But the pace speeds up soon, and more secrets come out and the twists get really enjoyable. It was a good one to read reviews of after the fact, because there was a lot she did writing-craft-wise that’s really cool but I didn’t pick up on it. I know one big criticism is that there’s really only one major female character and she’s defined by her relationships with men…that annoyed me, but I feel like it was done very intentionally, not from some inability to even conceive of interesting women.

        1. citystillbreath +2

          Yes! I loved the book because of the crafty writing. For example, the first chapter is the longest, and then each chapter is mathematically shorter than the previous one (I can’t remember if it’s exactly half, or what), so the last chapter is just one sentence. This device also helps the book move sooo much faster once you realize not all the chapters are like the first one! It also helps if you have some familiarity with New Zealand – it’s so cool to read about places you recognize.

      2. rolotomassi5 +2

        Catton is very methodical about how much information she gives out and when. And she has different major revelations be told by different characters while they are going over their version of events in the first section. It’s overwhelming, but in a fun, tidal wave of plot coming at you kind of way. Thankfully, she has Moody recap the story at the end of that first section. I totally wouldn’t have remembered all of the hows and the whys behind the gold in Anna’s dress.

        What I’m saying is that I loved it, but it’s a slow starter. Gold Rush-era Hoitika is a great setting too, BTW.

    11. coloredlights +6

      I am almost done with Code Name Verity and I was reading on the subway this morning and a very major plot thing happened and I’ve been in a state of high alert (trying not to spoiler) about it all day!

      Up next: Americanah.

      Which actually reminds me because I purchased both at the same place: all Toasties in or near Las Vegas should visit The Writer’s Block, the world’s most adorable indie bookstore. It has a resident bunny AND I overheard the owner (a guy who might actually be an elf) helping a little girl pick out only books without male protagonists. It was amazing.

    12. SwitchingGenres +2

      I’m currently reading Elena Ferrante’s novel Story of a New Name, the sequel to My Brilliant Friend. It’s amazing and I can’t wait to get the third book in the trilogy.

      1. dakimel +1

        Oh, her first in the trilogy is on my TBR now, with the others rapidly following – I keep hearing fabulous things about them!

    13. logicbutton +5

      Yes, that’s exactly how I feel about Ancillary Justice. I guess I can identify some flaws in it, but I can’t bring myself to care; it’s wonderful and beautiful and so refreshing.

    14. gripyfish +2

      I am forging ahead with my self-imposed Bestseller Challenge (picking one book from the NYT bestseller list for the week of my birthday, from the year I was born up to 2014–I’m trying to finish before my next birthday), and reading A Maggot, which is very strange and also quite good.

      Next up is Beloved–hoping to get to it by the end of the weekend, at least.

    15. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      I am rereading _The Dream Thieves_ by Maggie Stiefvater so that I can go on and read _Blue Lily, Lily Blue_ which is the third book in her Raven Boys series. These books are so good, everyone should be reading them; they are ostensibly in a genre I hate (YA paranormalish romance), but they are just — not. They are amazing. And despite the series being the Raven Boys, there are SUCH awesome women.

      After these books I will reread _Ancillary Justice_ and then I will read the 2nd book in the series. I really liked AJ except I felt like it kind of went off the rails in the end so I am hoping that reading both of those together will be a more balanced whole.

      1. dakimel +1

        I forgot about those! I read Raven Boys last year & meant to add the others but my TBR overwhelmed me & I neglected them. Thanks for the reminder!

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

          You’re quite welcome! The second is also really good, and EVEN BETTER my second time through. She is an amazing writer.

      2. jenavira +1

        I love Maggie Stiefvater, and I need to reread that series and get on the hold list for the new one. I still recommend Lament to everyone I meet.

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

          I haven’t read anything by her except this series so far; it sounds like I should check out Lament!

    16. SarcasticFringehead +5

      Oh man, I loved Ancillary Justice and Ancillary Sword SO MUCH. Can’t wait til the last one comes out.

    17. BourneApprox +4

      Hell yeah Ancillary Justice! That book is great, and yes, it fits in nicely with the Culture books but in a less super-duper-violent-dude-ish sort of way. I really need to get on Ancillary Sword.

      I’m in the middle of Andrzej Sapkowski’s Witcher Saga right now (the ones the games are based on). Like the games (which are enjoyable but…problematic), it’s a fairly standard bit of “realistic”/dark fantasy. Since they’re Polish, though, there’s a nice bit of European cultural specificity in the worldbuilding and lore. The female characters veer between being sympathetic and interesting, and being depressingly stereotypical in their bitchiness and vanity (like, a dinner party of sorceresses who are all desperately trying to look hottest and tear each other down). And there’s the obligatory dark fantasy rape-iness. There’s less embarrassing sex and “edgy” bits than the games at least, and the book does GoT-style political machinations well.

      Oh dear, I didn’t sell that very well, did I?

    18. jenavira +2

      Last night I started Popular Crime based on the recommendation of someone here (of course) and it’s delightful and everything I wanted it to be. And now I want to read nothing but true crime for the rest of my days, of course.

      1. longlostlullaby +2

        I just read that a week or so ago, also based on a Toast mention! It jumps around a bit with the cases, but still very interesting. And didn’t make me feel too much like I was going to be murdered in my sleep, which is good for a crime book. I mean, it definitely did a little, but not too much more than is normal for a night home alone.

        1. jenavira +1

          I’m enjoying the jumping around – but I readily admit to being a true crime junkie, so I’m familiar with…maybe a third of everything he’s discussing? (Although I just got to the 30s, that might change, I guess.) It means you can see patterns. I’m not totally convinced by the patterns he’s pointing out, but it is interesting.

    19. evieskye +1

      Started The Rabbit Back Literature Society two days ago and haven’t been able to put it down (you know, aside from work and driving)

    20. steelyglints +2

      ahh I loved Ancillary Justice (and the second one!) sooo much. I just finished Hild and am inbetween books so I am holding auditions via kindles samples. Ammonite might be the default since it’s by the same author. I’m a little nervous though because I’m not really into anything about deadly viruses (too real!) but I’m also not generally into fictionalized accounts of historical figures so I’m being brave.

      3. laurenipsum +2

        I read Ammonite several years ago and then got Hild on the strength of enjoying Ammonite so much. Hild is now one of my favorite books of all time, I think. Ammonite is a very different book but I think you will like it. Or its themes, anyway.

    22. MilesofMountain +1

      I just finished Mr. Penumbra’s 24-Hour Bookstore, and am about three quarters through Bad Feminist. I just got notice from the library that my copy of Monkey Beach has arrived, too! I will be busy!

    23. elsamac +1

      I am taking it easy on myself by retreating into Jack Finney’s Time and Again, which I’ve loved since I was a kid but which is simultaneously infuriating because it’s such a naked paean to the days when Everything Was Better (if you were a middle-class or higher white man).

      laurenipsum, I said a month ago that I would be ready to discuss Hangsaman with you any day now, but I have to admit: I stalled out just a few pages from the end. The book is so different from what I expected, and I’m having a hard time with it. [speculation ahead] I’m terribly, terribly afraid she’s going to kill herself in those last few pages, and I justโ€ฆ can’t make myself read it.

        1. elsamac +2

          โ€ฆ I’m tempted, but instead I think I’ll just plow through the last 5-10 pages before I return the overdue book to the library. I’ll check back with you here once I’ve met my deadlines this weekend.

          Okay, and now I am LEAVING THE OPEN THREAD and getting back to work.

        2. elsamac +1

          OKAY, I read the last five pages! Iโ€ฆ I don’t really know what to think about this book, but I’d love to hear what you have to say.

          2. elsamac +1

            I suspected that she wasn’t, but I DON’T KNOOOOOW. She just felt too much like wish-fulfillment at first appearance, and then likeโ€ฆ well, the opposite of wish-fulfillment. And at the end, Natalie thinks that she will never see Tony again, so I assume that means she’s a figment

            BUT I DON’T KNOOOOOW

          3. laurenipsum +1

            I tend to think that she wasn’t, but then there’s the scene where they’re in Tony’s room, and other people can see them … I think?

            I dunno. I found the whole thing kind of a mindfuck. I also kept seeing it (esp the forest scene [the one at the end, not at the beginning], but others too) in my head as a movie. I think the guy who did The Haunting of Hill House could do a great job with it. (I also kept wanting to call Tony Theo so I think there are some other parallels there too.)

            Poor Natalie though. Ban men.

          4. elsamac +1

            Yeeeeah, I knew I was in trouble with this book right from the forest scene during the cocktail party when The Thing happened. I love Jackson, and I know not to expect joy and sugar-kisses from her work, but this read more like Sylvia Plath to me. And while I think Plath is tremendous, I’ve had to stop reading her for a while as an act of sheer self-preservation.

            So just pushing through this was hard; I’m not going to be able to reread it to catch all its nuances. There’s a great line in this The Rumpus essay about the novel:

            Reading it I feltโ€”unaccountablyโ€”as if I was in a sandstorm, waiting for the final grain, finally, to choke me. How to keep track of all the small, unrecorded moments that drag us down, at last, back into the mud? I had to put the book aside every few pages to shake my hair, the grains of sand falling out like thunder.

            I felt as if it was smothering me. I lived through a youth of simultaneous privilege and disenfranchisement, where men thought they had a right to handle me any way they liked and so did I sometimes, where other young women exorcised their anxieties and resentments on me (and I’m sure I did some of that to others still), where I simultaneously felt like the smartest and the stupidest person in any room, and rereading this was like slipping into a well where all those memories piled on top of me like wet clay.

    24. notebook-keeper +1

      I’m reading The Secret History. I keep thinking I’ve read it before but I think that’s because (at least so far) it’s pretty similar to Special Topics in Calamity Physics, which I read recently.

      1. actualmeg +2

        The Secret History! I definitely prefer it to Calamity Physics, both because I found the latter to be kind of overwritten (choose ONE metaphor, don’t string five of them into one sentence because you can’t decide, argh), and also because Secret History is set at an extremely thinly veiled version of the college I went to, and it makes me feel nostalgic.

    26. actualmeg +2

      I just came back from vacation, where I read the first three Outlander books, which I picked up because of Roxane’s recaps of the TV show (which I have not yet seen). They are so long and parts of them are problematic as HELL, but now I am past the point of no return and I can’t. stop. reading.

      Also I recently finished Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons, which I feel is extremely relevant to the Toast’s interests.

      Just started the second of that trilogy about the French assassin nuns (it is a little melodramatic but the misandry is so satisfying I don’t even care). And I am looking forward to reading Caitlin Doughty’s mortician book once I make my next trip to the library.

    27. TessierAshpool3 +2

      I finished Paladin of Souls (Lois McMaster Bujold) recently, and it hit so many of my happy buttons I don’t know where to start. However, I am a little leery of the other books in that universe, since one of the main things about this one that made me all gooey was the quality of its lady protagonist. She is of middle years and has the wisdom that comes from hardship, she makes imperfect decisions, she grows in confidence and strength, and when offered the comfy lodgings she has no pride about accepting. I’m not really sure a dude could live up to that.

      Anyone read those and think they’re worthwhile?

      1. jenavira +2

        I’ve read The Curse of Chalion and loved it, but I read it before Paladin of Souls, so yeah, it might not live up. The characters are all just as complex and wonderful, though, and Ista makes a striking appearance there.

        (Is this your first Bujold? Don’t miss Cordelia’s Honor if it is.)

        1. TessierAshpool3 +2

          I cannot believe that I have made it this far in my life without finding Bujold. That one’s up next, thanks!

          1. laurenipsum +3

            I found Bujold pretty recently too, via a Humble ebook Bundle or similar, and had the same conversation with myself.

    28. mustacheddragon +1

      I’m trying to wade through a bunch of books that have been sitting on my read pile that have sequels coming out so I don’t fall even more behind. I just finished the two Shades of London books by Maureen Johnson and loved them. I kept passing them by because they looked like overwrought historical nonsense, as blurbed by Cassie Clare and actually… not the case! I’m halfway through Half Bad right now and really liking it, though it’s hard to stay with.

    29. dancingcrowdesigns +1

      Martha Wells!!! she has serieses –
      there are weird shapeshifty flying lizardy things (The Cloud Roads)
      there are wizards and parallel worlds and war and airships (The Wizard Hunters)
      there is a sparky and intelligent and brave young woman having adventures (Emelie and the Sky World)

      and she also has stand alone bookses which are also lovely. I LURVE her.

  56. threatqualitypress +4

    FRIENDS OF THE TOAST.

    I need your assistance. I am trying to find a tea to drink throughout the day that I can use to replace my expensive and debilitating coffee habit. My tea requirements are such:

    1) Pretty cheap
    2) Tastes good / not too bitter without sweetener
    3) Has around the caffeine level that green tea has
    4) Is not green tea, though

    Does anyone know of a tea that meets these criteria? Does anyone have a favored or preferred tea that might be good even though it DOESNโ€™T meet all of these criteria?

    1. aravisthequeen +10

      Look for white teas! They are pretty limited in caffeine but delicious and lovely even without sugar. Also you can try dumping your first steep of tea to eliminate a lot of the caffeine–pour hot water in, then dump it after 20 or 30 seconds and steep again. Caffeine will mostLy be flushed.

      White teas are terrific, though.

      1. threatqualitypress +6

        White teas, okay.
        ย 
        Dumping my first steep of tea I cannot get my mind around; that instinctively seems wasteful in a way I would never be comfortable with.

    2. gorebooth +1

      You could try one of Trader Joe’s white teas? I tend to drink their Irish breakfast but that breaks rule number 3 (and maybe 2).

      Also, I’m discovering the wide world of green teas these days. Maybe try a few? There’s really quite a range.

      1. threatqualitypress +1

        I love Irish Breakfast teas, but the problem with them is less the taste/caffeine, and more that I’m trying to cut down sugar in my diet, andย I just have a hard time enjoying a black tea without milk and sugar.

        1. MmeSiniichulok +6

          I know this is a black tea (and therefore potentially unhelpful, sorry), but one of our household favorites is Ahmad black cardamom tea. My husband is trying to cut the sugar in his tea and found that the cardamom flavor helps. It was also very good for settling the stomach because it’s real cardamom.

          1. elsajeni +1

            I’m drinking a cup of that right now! It’s SO GOOD. (It also goes really well with a sweet snack, although I realize that sort of defeats the purpose of cutting the sugar in your tea.)

    3. octopoda +2

      I like a lot of the flavored teas from Upton Teas or adagio. The black teas probably have less caffeine than the coffee you are used to. I like rooibos teas as well, which have no caffeine.

      In particular ones we’ve like have been various chai / black teas (just got an apple spice chai from adagio that is pretty good). Upton has a caramel creme black tea that is really good too.

    4. ladyimogen +2

      I drink one called Mate Chocolate from Guyaki (available in my grocery store’s hippy section) that is not too super sweet but definitely not bitter, with a good level of caffeine, and it feels like a big treat every time.

    5. haliegirl +6

      Before I got slightly snooty and started drinking mostly loose tea from online places, I went through a lot of PG Tips. It’s a nice black tea, I didn’t have problems with it getting bitter unless I let the tea bag sit in the cup too long, and you can get it at world market!

      2. houblonchouffe +2

        PG Tips is my general go-to black tea, but I prefer Yorkshire Gold, which is a much smoother, rounder, fuller tea. Splash of milk and I’m golden forever.

    6. dakimel +1

      I’ve been drinking a black mango tea lately that’s really good, but spouse stole the box with the remaining bags to take to work & he’s the one who bought it (so… not stealing, I guess) so I don’t know the price.

      I also like a vanilla chai a lot, it’s by Bigelow, who also I believe make a good mint green tea (I know you said not green, but I mention it because I don’t generally like unsweetened green tea except for mint greens.)

      Otherwise I’m all about English Breakfast, which I do sweeten, and Earl Grey, which I sometimes sweeten, both Twinings

        1. Goomaly +3

          I mean there is green tea in there, but the oolong is a stronger flavor that should mitigate whatever it is you don’t like about green tea.

    10. jenavira +2

      The key with it not getting bitter is not steeping it too long! And with getting a good-quality tea that’s mostly leaves and doesn’t have too much dust in it. It might be worth looking at loose-leaf teas, which if you can buy in bulk (preferably not at an Adagio or whatever, they mark up pretty badly) are not too expensive. Oolong is less caffeinated than standard black tea but I find I can’t brew it without it getting bitter. Gunpowder is a mix of green and black tea and if you don’t like the taste of green tea it might still be worth it, or try a chai?

      1. Cricket +1

        Try steeping your oolong at a lower water temperature. Oolongs usually are best steeped at about 195F. At home, I tend to boil my water and then let it sit for a minute before adding my tea leaves. Like you said with green tea, steeping too long can lead to bitterness, but also steeping at too high a temperature!

    11. Linette +1

      Lucile’s Spice Tea is my favorite thing in all the world and you can order it online.

      It’s a black tea crammed with orange oil and orange peel, which means it’s quite sweet even without sweetener. I personally stew it for like 20 minutes until it’s incredibly strong, because for some reason the orange keeps the black tea from going bitter, but you do you!

    12. eegghh +1

      There are decaf black teas and they’ll taste much softer than a caf black tea. As the name implies, they will not be even as caffienated as a green tea, but the flavor will be good. There’s a twinings decaf earl grey that I drink at night and a Lady Grey as well. I think bigelow also has one, but it’s not as good.

      1. mustacheddragon +1

        Second the green tea chai. I don’t like green tea but with spices and a bit of almond milk it’s actually lovely.

    14. Beakses +2

      Good Earth makes a bunch of different tea blends- they put stevia in all the teas that I’ve tried from them, so they’re sweetened, but you don’t have to bother with the whole sugar thing. Their chai blends are super spicy and seem to not be as highly caffienated as other blacks I’ve had.

      Also, I lived for twinings black currant flavored black tea for…quite a while. I’m sort of sick of it now, but I’d still recommend it,

    15. Cricket +4

      I work in a tea shop! I love talking tea, so I may geek out a little here. I think you should consider looking at white teas, as most are lower in caffeine (close to green tea levels), with the exception of anything that has a Silver Needle base. Silver Needle is a rare type of white tea that actually contains the bud of camellia sinensis (the tea plant) as well as the tea leaf– and the bud is where all the caffeine is (it is also kind of expensive usually, so blends containing it tend to be pricier). White peony (Bai Mu Dan) is another common base for white teas, and anything that lists that as a base for a white tea blend is going to be low in caffeine. One of my favorite blends is a white tea with coconut, its lighter in flavor than a black tea, not too expensive, and is very warm and cozy. Doesn’t need sweetener in my opinion. And I usually don’t like coconut, but I love this particular blend. I also like white tea blended with blueberry, or peach. Depending where you look, white tea can be more expensive than, say, a basic black tea blend, but not by much usually. I also love black teas (especially hot with milk in the morning), but this will have more caffeine than green tea, about 60% or so compared to a cup of coffee. However, the presence of L-theanine in tea does mean that caffeine from tea processes differently in the body than caffeine in coffee. You feel a steady amount over a prolonged period of time (a timed-release effect), rather than the jolt-and-crash coffee gives you. L-theanine also creates that calming effect tea has, so unless you are very sensitive to caffeine, you may be able to do the occasional black tea. I can drink black tea right before bed and fall asleep no problem, but I know some people have to cut off caffeine in the afternoon.

      Also– go for loose leaf tea over tea bag tea. It’s a different grade of tea entirely,and teabag tea really is more the tea dust called fannings, which doesn’t have much nutritional benefit. However– I admit I still love a few of the teabag teas I grew up drinking (just don’t tell my boss).

    16. hulk running +1

      Replying late to second the white tea suggestions! It’s so light and delicious, esp. the varieties with a stone fruit (peach, apricot, etc.) element. Tazo makes a cucumber white tea, which is really nice, too.

      I also like kukicha (twig) tea, which has the same amount of caffeine as green tea. I find it a little bit bitter — appealingly so — but YMMV.

      Rooibos is a potential option, but it has no caffeine at all.

      1. Beakses +1

        Have you been able to find the cucumber white lately? Because it has disappeared from all of my usual suspect grocery stores and it’s a favorite of mine and my moms- I’ve been wondering if it’s seasonal or what.

  57. tekkah +27

    ‘lo, toasties. Unfortunately I can only do my best to do as the Bartender asks, as staying warm is one thing but happy is quite another for me lately. For those of you who don’t follow on twitter and may not have already seen the bad news, I lost my baby after some complications arose on Jan. 11th. It’s been some rough, rough going since then, lots of crying and ice cream eating. I’m basically taking it day by day. This is my first day back to feeling like I want to participate with anything online in any real sense, so that’s slow steps back to whatever “normal” is.

    Anyway, messages of condolence by themselves tend to make me break down into a big sobbing slop mess and I’m at work, so if you all could please send your sweet lovely messages by way of pretty things to look at and delightful gifs, that would be most wonderful. <3

    2. haliegirl +12

      I don’t know how you feel about old books, but looking at beautiful book covers gives me grabby hands, so I’ll share this one with you.

    7. RoseCamelia +2

      I am so sorry you lost your baby. Wish I could hug you and get you a warm drink. And my little dogs would definitely beg for your attention: “Here’s my furry little head. I’ll put it right here in your hand so you’ll stroke under my chin the way I like. I’ll tip my head so you get the right spot.”

    9. amanita +3

      Hey lady – October 21st, I had a similar loss. I find that this site: http://herzoginspirationals.tumblr.com/ has REAAAAAAALLY been lining up with my world view of late, so if you are into scenic vistas + werner herzog’s musings on the futility of, uh, almost everything, click away. Also, if you would ever like to talk with an internet stranger, please let me know. This has been a very isolating experience for me and it’s helped to talk to people who’ve gone/are going through similar losses.

    11. MilesofMountain +14

      I don’t know what’s going on here, but I find it delightful and I hope you do too:

  58. rangiferina +30

    Toasties, my sister and I gave my dad a dog DNA kit for Christmas so he could test our spacedog, and we finally got the results back! According to Wisdom Panel, Laika is…. half Siberian Husky, half English Setter/Vizsla/mixed breed?! The Husky part is definitely accurate – who knows about the rest. Other breeds with a “statistical likelihood” are (from most-least likely): Lรถwchen, Kerry Blue Terrier, Lancashire Heeler, Belgian Sheepdog, Staffordshire Bull Terrier. huh. She is definitely smaller than your average Husky (and English Setter, and Vizsla), so having a smaller breed in the mix makes SENSE, but… Lรถwchen?! Well, whatever the makeup, she’s my weird baby and I love her lots.

    here she is:

    1. octopoda +4

      So cute! I’ve been tempted to do that with our dog, but I’m already 99% sure he is a chocolate lab / pit mix.

    2. catoclock +11

      oh my god look at that BELLY what a cutie!

      Scruffy mutts of indeterminate origin are definitely the best kind of dog.

      1. rangiferina +5

        my dad calls that pose “going cupcake” because her floof reminds him of fluffy white frosting “with a liiiiittle pink on top” ๐Ÿ™‚ Reader, I melted.

        and they ARE. they really, really are the best kind.

        1. annieleeroth +2

          Adorable! My mom’s German Shepherd does this too, we call it “going into the drifting bubble.”

    3. dakimel +12

      not that I would totally steal her if I knew where to find her, but would you mind posting your address, please?

      1. rangiferina +3

        she issss. Well, one quarter cuddlebug sweetheart, three quarters flighty, sometimes very standoffish sweetheart. ๐Ÿ˜‰ (“Oh, you mean you want to sit next to me on the couch? BYE!!!”) The way to her heart is lots and lots of walks and head scritches.

    7. lesliejroot +3

      OMG I just found out about dog DNA tests and I want to do one for our new little mutt but my husband thinks it’s silly and a waste of money (which, I mean, it kind of is, but it sounds so fun!).

      1. rangiferina +1

        it IS kind of silly, but it’s fun! and a good Dad Gift, for dads who are hard to find presents for ๐Ÿ˜‰

      1. ballisticjaguar +1

        Thank you for pointing me in that direction! I had not heard of that website, but now I have and my life is the better for it.

    2. bird_internet +4

      THAT’S INCREDIBLE

      I’m also a big fan of the Dominican costume (The Virgin Mary, but with a picture of the virgin Mary again on her torso??) And Venezuela (she’s just dressed as a tree?). The USA one is so boring. You’re the flag? That’s boring.

      1. ballisticjaguar +1

        yes, those are great! I also love the Miss Spain’s, mostly because she has that fantastic red velvet cape/cloak.

    3. rangiferina +2

      YES. I haven’t finished looking at them all yet, but it’s gonna be hard to beat Miss Canada…

          1. CleverManka +3

            SERIOUSLY. WTF, costume designer? You had such a good thing going there, and then you blew it. DETAILS, PEOPLE. Details.

      2. somesolanaceae +2

        Miss Canada is one of the best… US is probably the most boring. I find it endearing that Italy is dressed like a Medici… and Nigeria is awesome – not twigy, and with porcupine spikes!!!

  60. jimmyjimjimjim +3

    I was moved into the keyshop of my commercial door company. That was last week. I am now on my own today.

    …

    Not entirely sure that was a good decision on my boss’ part.

  61. tehvin +5

    Hey Toasties,

    I’ve been writing podcast reviews on my website for about a month and a half now and I’m (mostly) pretty proud of what’s there. Hopefully it can help some of you find a new podcast or two to listen to if that’s your thing. Here’s a link to a review I just put up a couple minutes ago for Startup : http://ryansteiner.com/2015/01/23/podcast-review-…

    Anyway – maybe you’ll find a good show to enjoy over the weekend!

  62. literarysara +6

    Toastfriends, I think this may be my last open thread for some time! I have just started a new job that doesn’t allow me time during the workday to read the internet. (But I have more days off each week, so I can read the internet other days–just not Friday.) I will miss the food threads and advice threads and gaming threads and other chances to hear what y’all are up to and what media is lighting your fire these days. I have always found the open thread cozy and satisfying to have in the background of my Fridays at the old job!

    I followed a dozen people last time we had a Toast Twitter thread and I am loving it, so if anyone feels like sharing Tumblr and Twitter usernames here, I’d enjoy seeing your wild and rare minds on other platforms. If you don’t want to share, follow me and I’ll followback, no questions asked. I’m LiterarySara on Twitter, same thing on Tumblr except replace “sara” with “error.”

  63. Frogandtoad +4

    Advice time! Talking about money with friends – I know it’s probably best to just not do it but I am in mid-late 20s, as are most of my close friends who live in this area, we mostly have similar incomes, and many friends have very different spending/saving priorities than my partner and I do, which is fine, but it’s recently led to me over-justifying saying no (I can’t go do x because I want/need to spend money on y this month). The biggest thing is that partner and I are the only people in this friend group seriously talking about buying a home, with a current plan of doing some serious saving for the next year and then being ready to go. It’s a tight knit group and it’s not uncommon to ask why we can’t do something and we’ve been honest about not wanting to spend a ton of money right now, and when pressed I’ll mention that going out to get a drink twice a week adds up really fast and is not something I can do but I’d love to hang out another night. A friend brought it to my attention that it seems like I’m implying that the way I’m spending and not spending my money is superior to their choices. So I’m going to stop doing that, but any further advice on how to talk about money constructively would be great.

    1. robotneedslove +12

      Oooh tough one!

      Money is so tricky and interesting. I’m really over the “never talk about money” thing. It’s such a weird way to… I dunno, keep the rich rich, and make people feel weird, etc. I mean, the way we spend IS talking about money, just not explicitly.

      Forced spending feels like a really big part of my culture right now (me: 30 year old middle class white girl, DINK, big student debt). It’s particularly weird at the age when people start to really diverge – like, I’m a lawyer with good income and big debt, and then me and my medical resident friend who has pretty low income but a trust fund hang out with our PhD candidate friends. That’s a big spread. But some people are like “let’s go a on trip to Iceland!” and some people are like “let’s eat hummus we made at home!”. And it’s really easy and common and culturally promoted to let the spendy people win. Credit card companies spend a lot of money to make this a reality.

      I’m trying to change the culture and be like “sorry, can’t afford that!” more often. It makes people uncomfortable at first, but eventually it kind of normalizes.

      Could you also try, when people are like “let’s go out!”, to be like “I’d love to hang out – why don’t you guys come over and everyone bring a bottle of wine?”. Offering an alternative sometimes really helps.

    2. CleverManka +14

      Um, sounds a bit like they’re projecting to me. Also, defensive. They asked you a question and you gave an honest answer. You don’t need to defend your financial choices to anyone.

    3. TheclaAndSeals +11

      Maybe your friend is projecting?

      I don’t mean to sound flippant, but unless your body language and IRL tone are judgey, there’s nothing wrong what the language you’ve put here.

    4. thebellewitch +16

      Man, if it’s going down like you’re describing, I don’t really feel like you’re in the wrong? People shouldn’t press you on your financial situation and then get mad when you answer their questions.

      Maybe it’d be best to stand firm against your urge to justify saying no. “Rats, that’s not in my budget” is better than “I can’t, I need that money for XYZ,” because then people start weighing their priorities against yours and getting defensive. I like the idea of offering alternatives. And depending on how this would be received in your group, perhaps make a joke of it? I remember one particular October we really needed to cut back on spending, so we declared it “Frugtober,” which is just about the worst portmanteau ever, and when people crossed the line of pushing us to spend, would just basically respond with, “FRUGTOBER.” No one is going to argue with some person yelling about Frugtober. It also makes it more about your ‘weirdness’ than about them, which I feel is the main goal here.

      1. Frogandtoad +3

        This is a great suggestion. I do suggest alternatives often but a) it’s a large friend group, about 10-12 people, and b) there are 4-5 people who basically never volunteer to host which is a different source of tension.

      2. elsamac +5

        I do this, too: “It’s just not in my budget” is both definitive and non-judgmental. At the same time, it does tacitly indicate that we all have preferences and priorities: if I wanted to prioritize [going out for drinks twice a week/going out to dinner/a trip], it would be in my budget. It’s not just that my resources are different from my friends’ resources; my priorities are different, too. And that’s okay!

    5. SmrtCookie +10

      This is a shot in the dark but are most people in your friend group single? Or in less serious relationships than you and your partner’s? When I was a young cookie and acting like an ass about money it was because my friends were prioritizing other things over spending time with me. Like when my friend had to cancel our yearly trip to save for her wedding my reaction should have been “Yes, of course, I totally understand.” When really what I was thinking is “Now that she’s getting married she doesn’t want to spend time with me because she could find the money if she wanted to.” I was afraid she was prioritizing her (now) husband over me.

      But I agree with CleverManka, it’s a them problem, not a you problem. If you’re regularly turning down invites to do spendy stuff maybe you can thy being more proactive inviting them to do less spendy stuff more regularly? You can’t turn down bar night if you already have a weekly boxed wine and board game night planned.

    6. Rรคven +2

      EVERYONE is weird about money. And once you hit the lower middle class (i.e. a modicum of discretionary spending $), everyone is making choices about what they do and don’t “have enough” money for – I have friends who would never pay for a decent meal out, but take taxicabs everywhere, friends who can’t afford concert tickets but spend my rent on footwear, etc. It’s normal to have different priorities. That said, it’s easier (not better, just *easier*) to hang out with people who make similar choices. Sure, maybe something in what you’ve said really hasn’t hit the right tone, but maybe your friends are mostly responding to the fact that, lately, you’re often [?] choosing not to see them.
      So maybe you need to tap into the ‘easy’ aspect – propose social things where you don’t have to spend $; go to the bar with them and just discreetly don’t order drinks; invite everyone over to your place — that also gives you a chance to model the choices you are making, without talking about it, while still having a wonderful time with your friends.

    7. RoseCamelia +3

      Declining without excuse/reason is best. If you absolutely must divulge, “not in the budget this year” is my go-to. It implies it might fit in next year’s budget.

    8. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

      I am glad I am not the only one who thinks it is pretty shitty for your friends to ask for your reasons and then say that your reasons make them feel bad? You are telling the truth; you don’t want to spend money on that right now. If they don’t want to hear about why, then they should not press you for why.

    9. Frogandtoad +2

      There are so many great replies! Thank you, everyone, for you thoughtfulness.

      I do suggest alternatives a lot but only three other households truly regularly reciprocate hosting everyone (let’s say there are 9 households and 12ish friends in this core group) and even when it’s BYOB hosting regularly takes it’s toll, timewise, financially, and emotionally. I think that being comfortable with going to a bar but not drinking would be a big help or being more open about how we would love to hang out at someone’s home and chill but our house is not an option tonight. There are also definitely currently a huge range of priorities in money-spending and partner and I are probably the most serious about money saving while also being really social.

      After thinking about it I do think there is some truth to my friend choosing to interpret my comments this way. My body language is not nearly as assertive as I want it to be day to day so I doubt it is here, and I legitimately don’t have judgey feelings about how she spends her money – I’m a big fan of spending money how you want to spend it. That means I get to spend $100 on a dress that makes me super happy and when my partner feels like dropping $200 on video games I don’t care. The friend who made this comment has a lifetime of bad financial role models and is just now getting out of credit card debt and saving for a wedding, and I know they’re struggling to save in any meaningful way, despite a household income that I know (from them) is 15-20K more a year than what my partner and I make. Our finances aren’t a secret and they frequently share more than we do about where they are financially, so perhaps there’s some frustration on her part and she’s projecting that onto me or wishes I was being more fun with my disposable income.

      All of this makes my friend group sound kind of terrible which is not at all the case. They are really lovely and generally very supportive but everyone’s different views on debt and savings priorities at this age are a little tricky to navigate, especially since most of us were friends in college when we were all actually broke. It will take some time and maybe some more honest conversations and a willingness on my part to stop excusing myself. Thanks, Toast!

      1. eegghh +11

        Money stuff is strange.

        Just an observation on the hosting “reciprocity” thing. I’ve come to believe very strongly that you should never count reciprocity as part of how often you decide to host. Host as much or as little as you want, but don’t tally it against who returns the favor. It’s kind of like…the love languages thing….because you might be thinking, “oh we hosted 3 parties! and they never invite us over!” and meanwhile they’re thinking, “we went to all 3 of their parties, but they never come out to movie night that I organized! And I brought wine and everything and played settlers of catan even though I find that boring.” In fact overall, I say stop keeping score on friends. I’m now in this camp that is like, “I invite people because I like to see them without expectations they’ll invite me back.” I have one friend who never goes to things who is now hurt she never gets invited to things….so she won’t go to to the few things she was invited to…so…it just spirals a lot.

        Also, I’ll try to go to everything I can that I’ve been invited to, even if it sounds a bit dull, or I make it up to the person. If you are turning down invites to things that you don’t value but your friend does…that can hurt them, even if it’s not meant to.

        You may want to think about tweaking your budget a little tiny bit? For instance, if you friends want to get drinks every single night, that would be unrealistic. But if you literally have been to no event that isn’t completely free in the last 6 months….including birthday dinners, I can see how that would hurt them. Especially if you are wearing a new dress and talking about the new xbox. Maybe being like, “we have x social dollars per month, and we’ll try and get 1-2 events in under that umbrella, but the rest is work clothing and house savings” would be worth even just telling your friends. Like, “I have got 100 bucks this month for fun stuff, book me early and I’m yours up to exactly 100 bucks. That’s 3 happy hours or one concert!”

        Lastly i talk about money with my female friends a LOT. I get explicit with them. We talk about budgeting and what we messed up on, and how we’re doing. And the more open I am with those friends, the easier it is to be honest about how you prioritize.

  64. Social +4

    Hello Toasties. It’s been a week: seasonal depression, family members reaching into my business (interrupting the intricate arrangement I have made of my life, which usually minimizes the damage they cause), plus an insane amount of Tumblr drama (who knew this was a thing?!?) have wrung me dry.

    The good news is that there are solutions:
    1) 100 tablets of Vitamin D were purchased
    2) Containment policy is now in effect for certain family members (hey, it worked in the Cold War… for a bit)
    3) A peace offering was made in the form of fanfiction, however the other party is not biting, so it may be time to put on Taylor Swift because We Are Never Ever, Ever Getting Back Together.

    Hope y’all have had a better week. If not, please commiserate with me and tell me how much/what kind of alcohol you are consuming when today is over.

    1. CleverManka +3

      an insane amount of Tumblr drama (who knew this was a thing?!?)

      OH HONEY. Are there people there? Do they talk about things they love and hate? There’s gonna be drama. You just have to learn to avoid it like the plague.

      My week has been spectacularly shitty job-wise. Personally not so bad, but I’m still looking forward to the weekend. Not sure yet what mood-altering substances I’m gonna ingest, but there’s gonna be a lot of them and, with luck, I’ll get to down them in the pleasant and minimally-clothed company of The Burgomaster, so GOOD TIMES.

    2. RoseCamelia +3

      “the intricate arrangement I have made of my life, which usually minimizes the damage they cause”

      I am relating to this so hard. Well put. Stay strong. You’re doing well.

  65. gloriana232 +4

    Ok. I will lay it out as simply as I can.

    For about five months, I’ve been seeing a man in an open marriage. Quite pleased with it, overall. It’s been a genuine bright spot in my life.

    Save … the few times I’m aware he’s also dating another woman. Even though he’s already married, this tends to trigger many of my deepest insecurities — about myself, my worth, my issues of accepting intimacy and affection from people I like, those shapeless fears about my future and what that will be like, and all the vulnerabilities that can come with being a lone woman in general.

    This week, he told me he, as a man who doesn’t keep many friends, realized I’m his “favourite friend” and described me as his best friend, with attraction conventional friends don’t have or act upon. He said I make his life better, and he doesn’t want me to go away; that even were I never want to sleep with him again, he’d still want to see me and talk to me. He even wants to see me more, if we can manage it. I felt a sense of relief, I think, reflecting how much I like him but worried he wouldn’t think it appropriate, and I felt … safer. I still have no idea what this knowledge is to me, but the next morning, I did feel more calm than I had in a few months.

    Then a couple of days later, I also found out he’s seeing someone new and plans to see her again.

    I had a very hard day yesterday. I did not like that day. I keep trying to reassure myself. I’m confused how I can feel insecure about a man who is devoted to his wife. I want to stop worrying about futures that may not come to pass. I want to stop worrying about people really want to spend time with me, even if they explicitly profess to and I have no reason to disbelieve them.

    1. SmrtCookie +22

      Ok. So. You are 100% allowed to feel insecure. No matter what. Part of being in a relationship is the other person(s) are supposed to reassure you and make you feel valued. So tell the dude that you’re feeling insecure. But also it sounds like you might need to do some thinking and figure out where your boundaries are. Maybe you’ll only feel secure in a monogamous relationship. Or maybe it’s okay if he’s married but only dates you. Or maybe it’s fine if he dates other people but doesn’t tell you. And not just “fine” as in “Sure, I can deal with this for awhile cause I’m such a cool person.” Fine as in “I’m legitimately not bothered by this and I don’t see it causing any problems down the road.” Whatever your boundaries, they’re right for you. And his boundaries are right for him. If they don’t match up it’s a disservice to you both to keep trying to mash them together.

      1. gloriana232 +4

        I feel like I’d be fine if he just doesn’t tell me. And I know he’d be fine with not telling me.

        But I also feel I need to be 100% “cool” … like everything goes, and otherwise, it’s not legitimate. As happy as I am with this relationship, I’m aware of how many people view such arrangements, especially the idea of the single woman “wasting her time.” So it makes me sensitive to being viewed as anything but super cool and detached and not at all having any boundaries or discomforts. I have sort of a lifelong problem with people viewing me as foolish, from a time when I was bullied and undermined, and man, this touches on that.

        Thank you for pointing out it’s okay to have boundaries and advocate for them. I’ve been trying to learn that for this and other interactions in my life.

        1. allanaaa +9

          Poly is a rich tapestry! You can absolutely say “I want stability, aka your wife + you + me, and that’s it.”
          I think having a boyfriend who was somebody else’s husband would be great — occasional sleepovers but no future expectation to pop out babies or rearrange living situations. Companionship without the peer pressure. You should lock that shit down. Poly doesn’t always have to mean constantly adding and subtracting new people.

          Personally, I am concerned that his “You know I’d still want to be friends even if we stopped having sex” is a precursor for “We’re going to stop having sex” — I don’t want to be the paranoid one, but that happens sometimes, and you might want to think about it how you’d actually feel if he said “I met a new lady and I’m going to date her and not you, let’s go see a movie next week.”

          1. gloriana232 +1

            Thank you! I wasn’t sure I thought of that, but you’re right. I need to think about that and say how non-sexual (or sexual) I’d like our relationship to be.

            And yes, it’s pretty great to send him home and snug in my own bed at night!

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +5

      I am so sorry for your hard day. Feelings are not rational things, especially fears. I don’t think there is really any ‘how’ or ‘why’ about them; they are what is going on for you right now.

      We are polyamorous, so we have a RL partner whom we live with (and have children with) and also an online SO who lives miles and miles away, and then who knows what else might come along in the years to come? And both of our partners have other partners, so we have been on all the different sides of this. It is really not easy.

      Reading down I see that sense that you need to be okay with everything. But SmrtCookie is totally right, you do not. You get to be *you* in the relationship. If this guy is really right for you in ANY capacity he wants the whole of you when he is with you.

      I do not know if you consider yourself polyamorous or not, or if the man you are dating does, but you might look around on the internet for information about it, since pretty much everyone who is poly is jealous and insecure at some times, and so there is a lot of support out there for both how to be okay feeling that way if that’s what you want, and also how to talk about things and negotiate boundaries and all of it.

      1. gloriana232 +1

        Thank you so much! There have been a couple of barriers into looking for info and support .. 1) he doesn’t describe himself as polyamorous and I’m hesitant to use the term myself, so I mentally just don’t look for advice under that category, even though a lot of it turns out to be helpful and 2) a lot of open marriage discussion is centred on the couple opening their marriage, not the person sort of on the edge of it.

        I will keep my eyes more open now.

    3. blushingflower +2

      Open relationships/polyamory do not magically erase one’s feelings of insecurity or jealousy or whatever.

      He says he wants to spend time with you; hopefully he shows you as well by actually scheduling time with you.

      Also remember that you are allowed to negotiate boundaries. If you are fine with him dating other people but don’t want to know about it, tell him that. If you only want to know about it if the other relationship becomes serious, tell him that. You do not have to be “cool” or laissez-faire or open to whatever he wants. If you have a relationship with him, you are allowed to set boundaries about what that means, and to express your needs and your wants.

      I also find (though it sounds like you may have done this) that when I have a reaction of insecurity or jealousy, it is helpful to me to sit and try to figure out where that is coming from. Is it my issues (e.g. I get jealous if I think the other girl is more conventionally attractive than I am)? Is it something in the relationship (e.g. am I not getting the contact, physical or otherwise, that I need to feel wanted and secure)? If I can work on feeling out WHY I feel the way I do, then I can work with my partner (or myself) on addressing those issues so that everyone is happier.

      1. gloriana232 +1

        Thank you! I read a really great essay on jealousy and where it can come from, usually being about something else. I’ve been trying to keep that in mind and delve deeper, and your advice just reminded me of that.

        And yes, he does schedule time with me. I was also struggling with the week-to-week-ness of figuring out a rhythm for everything, but he’s said to me clearly what he would like, and it matches up with what I want as well.

        Thank you! I was kind of scared posting that, but I’m really glad I did. Everyone’s advice is so reasonable in retrospect, but I really needed to hear it.

    4. gloriana232 +7

      UPDATE: Probably nobody will see this, but I took everyone’s excellent advice (it was crazy helpful!) and he was very concerned to hear me out and was 100% okay with respecting my boundary. We talked more about what I want, what I feel like I can ask for, and wanting to make sure I can ask for things without worrying too much what he feels or thinks (AKA at the expense of myself, to a detrimental degree).

      I have now learned another lesson in advocating for my feelings. Thank you, Toasties! You are a force of super goodness.

    5. Rapunzel +2

      I’ve been in the same situation (as have others I know), and for me (and them) it just didn’t work. The main reason for it not working was that I could accept being number 2, but I could NOT accept the existence of number 3, 4, 5, etc. Men in these situations often tend to go on a bit of a harem-forming-craze. If you CAN, more power to you, but be VERY aware of your own needs and limits.

  66. ladyimogen +24

    My inability to eat cheese without getting sick has magically vanished, seven years after it first magically appeared! Obviously it was a curse, so my question is- what kind of behavior leads to such an extreme punishment? I’d like to stay curse free, but I just can’t think of what I did wrong. I haven’t turned any old women away from my door, or refused them succor at a crossroads, or stolen from their gardens.

    1. CleverManka +1

      Food sensitivities and intolerances can and do disappear or reduce in severity for some people. Be careful not to overdo it and you might be in the clear! Congratulations!

    2. RoseCamelia +21

      You have grown and blossomed in misandry sufficiently to remove the curse. Seems obvious to me.

  67. ramina +7

    Toastfriends, I just had some delicious Thai food for lunch and while we were there a car crash happened right in front of the window! It was intense!!!

    1. octopoda +1

      That happened to my friends and I once in high school, we were eating off campus in a fast food place and a car crashed right into the power junction box thing on the street, knocked out all the power nearby (driver was OK I think).

    2. Ana

      Somehow I’m reminded of this pretentious dating sim called “Save the Date”. Do check it out sometime.

  68. ramina +3

    Also, page two I know, but the Links Roundup got me on a tangent this morning, so I figured I’d ask – is anyone else out there in Toastland a toy/doll/figurine collector? I have dragged pretty much my entire inner circle into Monster High with me (sorry guys) but I could use more people to talk to about them.

    I mainly collect Monster High, but also Ever After High and Novi Stars for playline dolls, and I have a handful of the little Lalaloopsy figurines. I used to be really into My Little Pony, but as always, bronies ruin everything. I also collect the Figuarts Sailor Moon figurines…and I wonder where my paychecks go.

    1. dancingcrowdesigns +1

      I make dolls? And then Alice used to play with them, but now she’s almost 17 and the dollhouse is a smaller part of her life, and I seem to be working on stuff for walls more. But every once in a while I sit down and sew a set of clothes for someone, or knit a sweater for a dolly who looks cold.

      I really like the looks of the Monster High dolls look like such fun! They make me laugh whenever i see them in Target or the Stop and Shop. And the Lalaloopsy dolls are also adorable. Except mostly I want to make ones that look kind of like that…

  69. Goomaly +26

    Guys I’m so excited– I recently joined ACRL (association of college and research libraries) and I checked the box for Women and Gender Studies interest group on a whim. Now I am involved in TWO projects that will result in Goomaly, MLIS, editor.

    FUCKIN FUCK YEAH

    And I’m not going to tell anyone i work with until my next annual review: oh btw here’s a little thing I’ve been doing on the weekends

    1. allanaaa +3

      Nice! I assume you read stuff like In The Library With The Lead Pipe, and basically everything Litwin puts out, and stuff? There is a gender and sexuality in info-science project being published in the near future, based on a colloquium I went to, that will be pretty cool.

  70. lassotabasco +7

    Hey everyone! We’re having unseasonably warm weather here in Middle America so I’m planning on doing lots of hiking this weekend. I have such a love/hate relationship with Climate Change.

    Anyone who wants to talk about the awesomeness of season 2 of The Fall, I am here for you! I am not finished yet, but just watched the episode last night where Stella Gibson goes full misandry- calling out mansplaining, hitting on her hot lady-friend, punching a dude in the face who is begging her for sex, and then telling him that “maleness is a kind of birth defect.” MY HERO. <3 <3 <3

    1. elsamac +1

      Every time I see people riffing on the phrase “[pop culture image] is my sexual orientation,” I’ve laughed and thought “Well, sure.” But then

      BAM

      it turns out that Stella Gibson in a Met uniform is my sexual orientation

      helllllllllllo

  71. ejbaker13 +39

    Popping in to say that sometimes, when you date MFA candidates, and you joking suggest that they might write a sonnet in your honor, they will get drunk on a thursday night and actually do it. Also sometimes they’re Toast readers, who could be reading this comment RIGHT NOW (If that’s the case, you know who you are, and you’re a peach see you on Sunday).

  72. seapartridge +51

    Thank you all for the help re: making my bed less sad a few weeks ago! I made a few changes and I’m delighted with my bedroom.

    IMG_3688

    I added a thin king size duvet + linen duvet cover, two king pillows with linen pillowcases, two linen throw pillows, and a textured ivory throw that was on clearance because it was packaged in a red Christmas bow. It’s so much better than it was!

    1. seapartridge +3

      (this, for reference, is how it was:

      IMG_3536

      I kept the queen size duvet + floral duvet cover and pillows and just layered them with the new duvet.)

      1. seapartridge +5

        Linen is great! Right now, I just have the (relatively) cheap linen from Ikea, but someday when I am fabulously wealthy (hahahhaahha) I would love to own some of the stuff that Rough Linen sells — I’ve heard it’s amazing.

    4. deleted7410012 +5

      pretty! you have such lovely light from that window. i have the same bed from ikea and i left the curlicue headboard off…but this is making me consider digging it out of my closet.

      1. seapartridge +5

        Ooh, I never even considered that the no headboard option existed! I like it for my space — and anyhow, my roommates dubbed my room “Femme Palace” and I’d hate to disappoint with a less-than-princessy bed. ๐Ÿ™‚ And the light is so wonderful! It’s not much of a view, but it does so much to brighten up the room.

      1. seapartridge +2

        Ikea! It’s the Lindblomma set, which I comes in a greyish linen-y color or the ivory that I have (though I had to go to two different Ikeas, and each only had one color). The closures on the duvet cover and pillowcases are knots that you pull through buttonholes, which is a nice detail.

    7. rosesinjanuary +3

      Wonderful! The extra pillows and extra length on the sides of the bed make all the difference.

      1. seapartridge +2

        They really do! I still can’t figure out why a queen-sized duvet is not the right size for a queen-sized bed.

    8. paddlepickle +22

      I love this bedroom. It gives me the impression that you are some genius lady writer living by the sea, probably in the 1900s or something.

  73. bird_internet +5

    DC folks– is anyone doing any sort of counter-demonstration while March for Life is in town?

  74. Battle_Swine +5

    Winter skin question: I’m still fairly new to this frozen tundra climate, and I’m having trouble with my face. It gets dry, even though I moisturize regularly, and then it flakes. And when it’s flaking, I can’t seem to apply makeup without looking ridiculous, like it’s my makeup that’s badly applied. Just flaky weirdness all over the place. Can this be fixed??

    Another thing is that I can’t use anything too heavy, because my skin usually is pretty oily and has also been very prone to breakouts lately.

    1. SarcasticFringehead +4

      Before I read your second paragraph, I was going to suggest what I sometimes do, which is to literally just put chapstick on all the flaky parts of my face (something fairly basic, like plain Carmex). Not sure how that would work with oily skin, though.

      1. Battle_Swine +1

        That’s an interesting idea! I’ve never tried, so no idea how my skin will react, but it’s definitely worth a shot.

        1. SarcasticFringehead +2

          I usually use it on my nose when I’ve had a cold & it gets chapped & flaky, or recently I’ve been getting some weird flaky patches at the corners of my mouth, & I do see more zits in the area, but if I have to choose, I’d rather put makeup over those than over the flaky stuff.

    2. annieleeroth +1

      What’s your usual skin care regime? If you don’t have one or if you’re open to trying something new, I highly recommend the CeraVe hydrating cleanser (or the other one with the green label if your skin is really and truly oily even when properly cared for) followed by CeraVe moisturizing cream (the kind that comes in a little tub, not the lotion you get in a squeeze tube or pump bottle). I use this year round in Alberta, so it’s great for cold, dry climates, but I also keep a little bottle of the Clinique dramatically different moisturizer on my desk at work in the winter, because sometimes my nose still gets a little dry, especially when I have a cold. (Which is always.)

      The nice thing with CeraVe is that you can get it at nearly any drugstore. London Drugs, Superstore, Shoppers Drug Mart, etc all have it here in Canada. If you’re in the US I think Walgreens, CVS, Rite-Aid, and lots more carry it.

      1. Battle_Swine +1

        I actually have a little sample bottle of CeraVe moisturizer somewhere (though the lotion type, I think), so thank you for reminding me to try that. I’ll check out the other stuff next time I’m at the store.

    3. spring chickens +4

      ye olde washcloth is great for this. Basically, you need a gentle exfoliant. You can do it any way you want, but a terrycloth towel soaked in some warm water is a great way to go, and a fine linen napkin/swatch of cloth would work really well too. You could put foaming cleanser in it, or just plain water — but it is a lot more effective than another potion and very cheap!

      1. Battle_Swine +1

        I actually do use a washcloth, so it’s extra perplexing. Maybe I have the wrong kind of washcloth? Who knows, skin is weird.

    4. pamplemoussi +1

      When I was younger I used to wash my face before I slept, and then put lotion PLUS a layer of Vaseline on. The idea kind of grosses me out now (mostly because isn’t Vaseline just pure petroleum?) but my skin was SO soft even in the middle of winter.

      1. jimmyjimjimjim +9

        from Wikipedia’s petroleum jelly page:

        “demonstrating the product to encourage sales by burning his skin with acid or an open flame, then spreading the ointment on his injuries”

        man, old timey pitchmen were way more hardcore than Billy Mays.

      2. RoseCamelia +6

        Yes, and petroleum is decayed dinosaurs. Don’t get hung up on it. Petroleum jelly makes a very good moisture barrier.

    5. SmrtCookie +5

      Drink lots of water and get a humidifier! If your skin is so dry it’s flaky it could partly be that the rest of you is suuuuper dry too.

      1. alicia +2

        Yes, I was going to recommend a humidifier. Winter usually means dry air, both outside because of freezing temps and inside because of heaters. Try leaving a humidifier on while you sleep.

    6. TheclaAndSeals +1

      I had the same thing for yeaaaars, except my skin is combination so I could use heavier products.

      1. Peter Thomas Roth serum. Use it alone on dry patches, use it all over pre-moisturizer. It is expensive: $70 for a small bottle. If you can swing it, though, it’s worth it. One pump/day is plenty and will last you through the winter. When I had a bizarro dry patch between my eyebrows that lasted for months, this is the only thing that fixed it.

      2. Face oil. HEAR ME OUT. I have fewer breakouts when I use it. I don’t know why, but it’s true. The Boots Botanics brand at Target has a good one that’s expensive. This makes dry skin actually feel like skin again.

      3. Have you tried a primer between your moisturizer and base? It makes it easier to smooth base on and have even coverage.

      1. Battle_Swine +1

        Cannot swing the PTR serum at the moment, but I will bookmark for the future! I’m also WAY skeptical of the face oil thing but will try to believe you, and YES to primer, it’s something I always forget about but it does make a difference. Thanks for the tips!

        1. TheclaAndSeals +1

          Happy to! And, sorry, I meant that the Target face oil is INEXPENSIVE. Like, <$10, if I remember correctly. And one bottle lasted for months and months. A little goes a long way.

      2. msjinxie +2

        I’m also a fan of Argan and Rosehip oil. Fancy cosmetic companies sell their own versions (which are lovely and have other nice-skin stuff in them) but I find I have great success with the pure versions I get for relatively cheap at Whole Foods. I treat them like a serum and use them under my moisturizer.

    7. winterbymorning +2

      This thread is a good reminder for me to start using my skincare products again. I’ve been really lazy about my routine for the past few weeks and now my skin is upset and flaking. In theory I know better than to use retinol cream and not moisturize properly, but in practice I slap it on without thinking about it and then fall asleep.

    8. m98widow +2

      I have super dry skin too, plus now that I’m in my thirties I have a super greasy forehead that does not seem to actually help the dryness. Right now I am alternating between Lush’s Dark Angels (maybe every 3rd day… it’s pretty intense) and Angels on Bare Skin, and then Clinique moisturizer (but I am not married to it, I change moisturizers pretty much every time I run out.) I also use Kiehl’s Midnight Recovery oil before bed.

      I’m still a little flaky right between my brows and on the bridge of my nose but the exfoliating plus no real soap seems to be helping me out a lot this year. My dad (who I inherited this dry mess from) puts straight up Vaseline on his face but it usually makes me itch after a while, like I can suddenly feel all the little hairs trapped under the grease.

      I have had zero luck with using coconut oil or olive oil as a moisturizer or cleanser and I seem to be in the minority on that front.

    9. mittenstheboar +3

      I’ve been using Pond’s Cold Cream and only washing my face at night. It seems to be helping me. You smear the Pond’s on without wetting your face first, then wipe it away with a damp washcloth. I think my skin likes that.

    10. MilesofMountain +1

      I have the exact same thing happen every winter despite my oiliness. There’s the initial horribleness in which my face peels like a snake and there doesn’t seem to be anything to do but ride that one out and stay away from foundation, then after that I only wash my face once a day (which was super oily for a while but got better with time), exfoliating occasionally, and slathering on Jacob 83% Aloe Cream twice a day.

    11. Momthra +1

      I’ve been using the Peter Thomas Roth masks (rose and cucumber) and it’s really helped my weird dry flaky spots!

    12. sasha +1

      aquaphor!!
      I used to swim 3x a week and in the winter my skin was VERY unhappy because of chlorine + new england temperatures + wind. My face would be dry and flaking and chapped to the point that putting on most moisturizers would actually sting.
      Someone on a random thread on a swimming forum recommended aquaphor, and I got a little tub at cvs and it is the best. first of all, it did not sting. second of all, it pretty much cured my chapped cheeks within like 3 days. I find that if I have dry/chapped skin, or even if I have small abrasions or burns and I put on aquaphor before bed, whatever’s wrong always improves, if not completely heals, overnight. You can get it in the drugstore, usually in both the skincare and the baby section, because it is apparently a popular product for diaper rash too.

      I mostly use it as an overnight thing, though, because it’s basically vaseline with a bunch of other skin softening stuff added, so it’s more something you put on top of the skin, not rub into the skin. My skin breaks out pretty easily, but surprisingly, aquaphor doesn’t seem to trigger it.

      1. Faintly_Macabre +1

        Aquaphor is great! When I was on Accutane, my dermatologist gave me as many little sample tubes of it as I could carry, and then when my dad was going through radiation on his face/neck, it was one of the few things that actually soothed his skin. I use it as a lip balm too, and occasionally even as a sort of mascara in a pinch.

    13. AliasGrace +1

      Dermalogica! It is hella expensive but if you can manage the initial outlay it lasts for ages – I have exactly the same issue with flaky skin on my face. What works best for me is a gel or cream sensitive skin cleanser (nothing with soap, nothing that foams up); then *gentle* exfoliating; then the magic Dermalogica elixir, which is a product called ‘skin hydrating booster’ that completely soaks into your skin without making it at all oily or greasy (I also have combination break-out-prone skin and can’t use rich moisturisers). Then a light moisturiser specifically for combination skin.

    14. sarah_jay +1

      I’ve always been a dry-skin girl, and I live in UT, so winter skin has been a problem for me. This year a friend recommended that I tried an sulfate-free cleanser, which I did, and that one change made a HUGE difference. I still use CeraVe tub as night/day cream with a layer of argan oil from Wholefoods on top at night. I also use a scrub 3 times a week and run a humidifier at night. I also remove my makeup with coconut oil before cleansing, which boosts hydration as well.
      I also recommend a sponge (beauty blender or real techniques complexion sponge) to apply makeup on dry skin. You don’t move the skin flakes around during application with a sponge like you do a brush and it just makes everything look better.

  75. YoungLeafedJune +16

    I am turning 30 this year and one of the things I want to do to prepare for a third decade is replace some of the things I use most with quality versions of themselves that are a pleasure to use. I already bought these insane Commando tights that have a giant soft (not control) panel at the top a la yoga pants so they don’t pinch into my stomach fat unbearably. I’m replacing my Goodwill mismatched silverware with BB&B brand silverware that has a really nice hand-feel to it. I want to get these giant gold scissors I saw at Target to replace my little plastic handle ones. I’m finally going to get some non-drugstore makeup. What kind of material things make you feel like an established lady who knows what she wants?

      1. YoungLeafedJune +3

        Yes! That’s another thing. Still wearing my Bath and Body Works perfume from like 10 years ago. *shame face*

    2. Rachel8489 +7

      My good cookware is definitely a thing, but most of those were gifts.

      A few really great pieces of clothing that I bought myself instead of my mom buying for me.

      Makeup! I don’t wear any drugstore makeup anymore. It’s not super expensive stuff, but it’s nicer and having a real skincare routine makes me feel like I’m an Adult.

    3. floridagal1 +9

      writing with a fountain pen, without getting ink all over my hands.

      Finally learning how to put on mascara, and getting practiced enough at it that it takes almost no time and I actually wear it on a regular basis now.

    4. bird_internet +13

      My goal is to eventually have a full drawer of underwear that didn’t come in a pack or out of a giant bin at Target. I still have a long way to go on that.

    5. ladyimogen +4

      I am so glad you asked this because I need the same info. And the replies are great! Thank you, established ladies who know what you want!

    6. urspostrophe +9

      Wearing good, expensive bras that fit well. I give Victoria’s Secret the side-eye as a company generally, but their bras are so perfect for me.

    7. haliegirl +13

      It’s not a material thing, but I like having a few meals that I can make without a recipe and that I usually have most of the ingredients for in the pantry. It helps me feel in control to be able to throw together a meal without huge amounts of planning.

      Also, nice sheets!

    8. GreenGrasses +10

      For me, it’s nice shoes and a good coat. Both of these are definitely items that last longer/look better if you invest some money in them. Happy three decades!!

    9. Bryn (Plus Others) +7

      Hmmmn. Real shoes that fit well, instead of cheap shoes from Payless or an equivalent.

      Cookware — we got all of ours as gifts, but having some good knives and good pots/pans makes such a difference and they last FOREVER even with David periodically burning things in them.

      I am now trying to do this with our clothes; when we got pregnant we bought a lot of very cheap large dresses at local cheap stores, and they worked great and meant we did not shell out lots of money for a maternity wardrobe. But we have not been pregnant for 2.5 years now and we are not ever getting pregnant again (crossed fingers!) and we are in reasonable shape and so I want clothing that looks like I actually took time thinking about it. It is a VERY long uphill battle with everyone else. ๐Ÿ˜›

      1. Beakses +2

        Shoes! Real shoes that cost real money that don’t hurt and instead feel awesome and look pretty all at the same time. Such a life improvement.

    10. CleverManka +16

      NICE! What a fantastic gift to yourself! I’ll echo the bits about good shoes and good bras (although I can’t endorse VS as a quality bra).

      Because this is me, though (and nobody’s said it yet), if you’re a drinker, I recommend stocking an Actual Grown-Up Bar. A good, at-least-mid-shelf bottle each of vodka, whiskey (or bourbon), tequila, and rum. It’s been my experience (through my twenty-seven years of boozing) that while you can get away with under-$20 wine (in fact, some of my favorite wines are $8 to $12), you really do get what you pay for when it comes to liquor.

      Oh oh! I almost forgot: always have a bottle of decent champagne in your refrigerator. Freixenet is only, like, $10 or $12 a bottle, and it feels so fucking fancy to just open a bottle of champagne for the hell of it when you have friends over. The first time someone pointed this out to me it was like a god damn revelation. SUCH a cheap luxury.

      1. menspraetrepidans +2

        where can quality bras be had? i don’t live in a town with a nordstrom, i’m squicked a little by VS, and dillards isn’t my favorite either. whither should i go?

        1. rosesinjanuary +1

          The interwebs. Trial and error is a bit of a pain as you order and return to find the brands/sizes that work, but figleaves.com has been a godsend for me. (I do have bra-outlets near me, but as a larger-chested human, none of them stock my sizes.)

          2. rhymeswitheight +1

            I’m pretty sure Nordstroms also has free shipping and returns, so that could be a good place to start/experiment with bra styles and sizes.

        2. CleverManka +2

          You might have to travel to find a good department store (like Nordstrom’s) so you can try things on. Once you know your size in a brand, you can order online. Of course, it varies brand to brand and even by style within brands, just like everything else. So if you order online, order from someplace that has a good return policy.

          The first thing, though, is to find out your actual bra size which, honestly, isn’t really something as easy as it’s made out to be. Yeah, you can get a basic starting point from the “measure around the top of your ribs for band size, then measure at nipple level, and the inch difference is your cup size” but there are still different fits and styles that work well or poorly for different bodies. Bare Necessities has a good webpage about this.

          Sorry that wasn’t very helpful. Bra shopping is a trial, no two ways about it.

          1. menspraetrepidans +1

            thanks! i actually have the bra size down (there’s a great local bra… salon, really, more than a shop, that i go to when i can but it’s four hours away, so). I recently went up a cup size (and more importantly haven’t bought new bras in like 3 years), and I bought one nice one when I got sized but it was $$$ so I wanted to shop around a little too.

          2. CleverManka +2

            Well, bras are like shoes and booze. You get what you pay for, and if you do happen to find a quality version for cheap, it’s an anomaly. Granted, I have a bra size that isn’t often stocked at medium- or low-end department stores (like Penny’s or Kohl’s), but the cheapest bra I’ve ever been happy with runs about $50.

          3. menspraetrepidans +2

            you’re right you’re right i know you’re right ๐Ÿ™‚

            thus far i’ve done the really smart thing of buying one bra for ~$80 and then six more for ~$20. it’s unproductive to say the least. it’s been ages since i tried wacoal last, i’ll give them a gander!

          4. catoclock +3

            Once you’ve nailed down an EXACT style and size, try ebay! There are a lot of people on there selling extra stock from places like Nordstrom. I’ve gotten many an $80 bra for $20-30.

      3. elsamac +4

        To go with the bar/bottle of champagne/whatever: good glasses. Investing in decent wineglasses and cocktail glasses and then using them even when I’m alone makes me feel so polished and poised.

    11. sofie_fatale +4

      I love this goal AND I asked for those scissors for Christmas!! They’re so fancy, I love them.

    12. winterbymorning +7

      A really nice purse/wallet. I was surprised at how instantly more Grown-Up I felt when I bought a quality leather bag for the first time, after so many years of cheap ones where the fake leather would peel off or split after a few months of use.

      I’m in love with Fossil. Their bags are beautiful and well-made and they have little slots on the inside for your cards so you don’t need to carry a wallet if you don’t want to. Their Sydney satchel is the perfect purse, in my opinion, and it fits a lot more than I thought it would. Also their customer service is great, or at least it is at the store I frequent. I was in earlier this week because the zipper on my wallet had split. They offer a year-long warranty and you need the original receipt; I told them straight-up that I had bought it more than a year ago and didn’t have the receipt and they still exchanged it for me at no cost.

      2. evieskye +3

        Yes to a good bag. My Marc Jacob’s makes me feel fancy and polished and I know it’ll last a long time. Also with Fossil- I have a ‘wardrobe’ of fancy grownup watches. No more Wal-mart, peeling-faux-leather bands! Even just having one elegant watch makes you feel grown and fancy.

      3. SmrtCookie +3

        I love Fossil and I agree- their customer service is amazing. My mom won this hot pink Fossil bag that was a lovely bag except no one in our family is a hot pink bag person. She couldn’t remember where she won it and even if she did she had no way of knowing when it was from. I took it to my local Fossil and even though there wasn’t a receipt, it wasn’t one of their current bags, and they couldn’t even find it in their computer system they still exchanged it for me. For the full price on the tag.

        1. winterbymorning +1

          I also have a bigger version of the Sydney satchel which I’m not seeing on their website anymore – I really hope they haven’t discontinued it because it’s the perfect size for a carryon/overnight bag.

          1. catoclock +1

            I got a Fossil wallet for Christmas that is also called Sydney (maybe branch out a little there, Fossil) that is amazing. Really nice leather, lots of card slots, and I can even cram my phone in there if necessary.

      5. elsamac +2

        A good bag is going to be my big indulgence this year. I’ve never splurged and bought myself a really good bag, even though if I amortize the cost of each bag over its useful lifetime, it’s probably cheaper to buy something expensive that lasts than a cheapie bag that wears out after a year or two.

      6. Angelan_ +1

        Oooh if fossil are good quality maybe I will get one. I always buy cheap bags in the accessorize sale and they always fall to bits and need to be duct taped together but I’m so afraid of spending money and ending up with something rubbish.

        1. winterbymorning +1

          Check if any department stores near you carry the brand! The department store downtown here has a very limited selection of Fossil purses but when they go on clearance, the discounts are much deeper than what the actual Fossil store itself offers.

        2. SmrtCookie +1

          Suuuuper late to chime in but also check discount stores- TJ Maxx, marshalls, etc. I’ve found a few fossils there for not much more than a suckier bag at Target.

    13. coloredlights +11

      I am also turning 30 this year and now I want to adopt this plan as well! Except I sort of can’t afford it until I recover financially from going to my friends’ destination wedding last month.

      I did just replace my $40 DSW boots I’ve been wearing for 4 years even though they got holes in them, with actual real Doc Martens and I cannot get over the glee of walking around in the rain WITHOUT wet/cold feet.

    14. Rรคven +4

      A chef’s knife and clean kitchen linens (tea towels and potholders with no scorch marks nor stains). Shoes that are well-made enough to walk for miles in comfort. Nice writing-paper to send thank-you notes and condolences.

      1. allanaaa +1

        Yes! I have a Dollarama frying pan, no shit, and I want a fancy $40 frying pan and some other kitchen upgrades.

        1. elsamac +1

          If you’d be happy with non-stick, I highly recommend this Calphalon set, which gives you two heavy pans for $50 and free shipping, one a smallish standard size and one huge.

          I had this same set for five+ years, then both pans got trashed in swift succession: I left one on a burner, my husband scrubbed the non-stick off the other. I finally replaced them a few months ago and every time I make an omelet or crepes, I am thrilled. (Actually, we’ve been eating a ton of omelets ever since because the pans are such a pleasure to use.)

      2. eegghh +7

        Everyone who is talking about cookware- I get grownup cookware from the restaurant supply store- its so well made and so much less expensive than getting it at a home goods type place. Also many of the places will just straight up tell you how to get the wholesaler discount- one place was like, “just tell me you are a culinary student and I’ll apply the trade tech 10% off, I just need you to say, “I am a culinary student”.” So I did.

    15. menspraetrepidans +11

      nice house clothes! especially if you’re like me and shed your street clothes immediately upon walking in the door. for most of my life it’s been old camis, t-shirts, and nike shorts, but i’ve started collecting actual nightgowns and such and it’s worth it.

      also, though this isn’t something i bought but rather something i found (must have belonged to my mother at some point), when i came home from the holidays i started wearing this silky, almost floor length robe around the house. it has shoulder pads and it makes washing dishes, doing laundry, making coffee, anything feel 1000% more glamorous and adult. highly recommend a version of this that suits your tastes!

      2. YoungLeafedJune +2

        For sure. I never wear street clothes a second longer than I have to and yet I’m still going around in ratty fleece pants my mom got me for Valentine’s day 13 years ago. I was thinking a kimono could be a good beginner’s sewing project and a way to fancify my home look.

    17. rosesinjanuary +4

      Not really a material thing, but a guide for acquiring material things – identifying what items are worth spending money on and where you can save.

      Mine? I will spend actual money on boots (three pairs of Fryes, my bank account cried each time but I will never need to buy boots again), bras, good winter coats (I live in Michigan), and items of clothing that will never go out of style and that I won’t get tired of. I will spend moderate amounts of money on good moisturizer (see again: I live in Michigan), red lipstick, and good chocolate and baked goods. And I save money on tank tops and skinny jeans (thank god Old Navy makes some that fit me), shampoo, perfume (indie perfume oils!), and any food or makeup where bargain brands aren’t impacting the quality.

      These aren’t everyone’s choices! But finding tiers that work for you will help you feel established. ๐Ÿ™‚

      1. CleverManka +2

        I save money on tank tops and skinny jeans

        Yeeeeep. NGL, I buy pretty much all my clothes except for shoes, underwear, hosiery, and fandom-related tee shirts at thrift stores. I have about …ten? cashmere sweaters, and all but one are thrifting scores.

        Also fist-bumping you on the Fryes. I have two pairs of Fryes, and just…damn. I love them.

    18. Linette +6

      Clothes! Just start trading out your bargain stuff for nicer versions of the same thing. I have a nice black top from H&M that’s been a friend for years, but it’s getting ratty and worn looking and I just replaced it with a lovely cashmere-blend top that looks almost the same but is much nicer. Fill up your wardrobe with things that you LOVE to wear and you’ll be so happy. Plus you can have less in there. I got down to like 40 items of clothing that I love, and it made getting dressed so much easier.

    19. eegghh +5

      I read this really great interview with Julianne Moore about her garden and she said she basically has 5 colors she deals with in her life: http://www.architecturaldigest.com/celebrity-home….

      “Purple, black, gray, white, and green are the only colors I can handle”

      here’s someone else musing on this: http://littlegreennotebook.blogspot.com/2012/09/l…

      So one of my recent turning adult things was to make some decisions about those kind of rules for my personal style. My colors are blue, pink, yellow, white, gray, black. I don’t do sleeveless, I try not to do collars or anything that needs too much ironing, I try to avoid buttons, ruffles, my style is sort of minimalist psuedo architect mixed with amazon explorer. It makes it harder and easier to shop- harder because you blow past a LOT of stuff, easier because when i find something that fits in my parameters, I just get it.

      I’m not sure I’m putting this well, but basically exploring the edges of what you are and are not, getting sort of fixed in your personal likes and dislikes and then committing to them as a way to save time?

      2. gloriana232 +2

        YES. Figuring out what always works for you. I’m totally anti-sleeveless and my life has been massively improved.

        I’ve been rocking the “uniform” thing for most of winter, and I’ve never felt better. A mini in black or navy, maybe a pattern, then a top. Black tights, then my Chelsea boots, which I love dearly and always make me feel polished and badass.

        So much of my wardrobe has been mix and match! I have achieved MM.

    21. HotDoom +1

      Oooh, I turned 30 this year too and have similar goals. I just invested in some Korean BB cream, and it feels luxurious and makes my skin dewy and soft.
      I also finally got fitted for bras at Nordstrom a couple weeks ago, and I was two cup sizes off. The bras weren’t cheap, but my torso looks pretty different now that they fit correctly.
      And seconded on the champagne in the fridge. Do it! It’s such a little luxury!

    22. Beakses +1

      This is not a material thing, but in terms of dollars spent: life improvement, using valet parking. I hate parking. Especially downtown. Or at the mall during the Christmas shopping season. And just generally. Paying for someone else to park my car = awesome.

  76. Maryaed +6

    You should download some Anthony Trollope, so that she may learn a lady’s heart can recover from a first blighted love. (Get her The Prime Minister or Phineas Finn or even Last Chronicle of Barset which ends in happy spinsterhood. But perhaps not The Duke’s Children, although maybe it could be a cautionary tale about throwing yourself at a man and regretting it as you age.)

  77. allanaaa +29

    You guys! Everyone is so much more pleasant this week! I read part of the Open Thread last week and had to close it down in sadness, everyone was so melancholy. (And I felt like I had no way to help.)

    I am asking for a raise. Rather, I asked for a raise, they counter-offered lower and told me how absolutely crazy my initial request was, and now I’m counter-offering higher again and telling them that their assessment of my craziness is kind of insulting.
    That will go well, I think!

    I am really nervous about this because it sounds like I’m being unreasonable and they may totally turf me on principle. But also I know that the money isn’t actually the problem and they are just Rich White Men who don’t like being told what to do. So, I’m gonna go for it.

    3. elsamac +10

      and now I’m counter-offering higher again and telling them that their assessment of my craziness is kind of insulting.

      applause forever

  78. turpentinechai +4

    Toastie thoughts and feels about Nashville? The place, not the show…the boybeast is suddenly obsessed with the idea of moving there after a friend had told him that he’d never want for work as a composer again. My job ends in September so I’m flexible to move but feeling so meh about the place. My one visit didn’t go well in terms of walkabilty and price ranges but I had no clue what I was doing either.

    Compared to New England, how well would it hold up for a crafty toastie, a composer and two Chihuahuas?

    1. allofthewhine +5

      My sister in law lives in East Nashville and it is beyond cute, creative, fun, etc. She lives with her bf and they’re both in the music industry. They have cool friends, go to cool restaurants, have dope houses and it’s a relatively inexpensive town that is booming right now. It can definitely be walkable, if you’re in the right hood; it is definitely bikeable, if that’s appealing. Try it again, is all i’m saying. ๐Ÿ™‚

    2. RoseCamelia +4

      Are you prepared for in-your-face Protestant Christianity? And fundamentalist hysteria? These people will be your neighbors. As are mine, here in Small Town, Texas. I was in New England for 11 years and I miss it.

    3. notebook-keeper +1

      My best friend and her husband live in Nashville and I love visiting them there! They’re in East Nashville which is very cool, creative, etc. – they have shown me some great restaurants, bars, shopping, art. However, my brother went to college in Nashville and transferred out almost immediately because he didn’t like the campus culture. Both friend and brother are pretty left-leaning, creative types. I feel like it all depends on the neighborhood!

  79. spring chickens +6

    Ugh I have just been paired together in a collaborative work situation with a twenty-something guy with less experience than me (by a lot) who likes to talk over others. We will be teaching together for 1 week in his native language, which is not mine (although I am fluent), and after that he will leave and I’ll be sole teacher for the rest of the semester. Any suggestions for handling him/keeping things balanced while we co-teach during the first week??

    I had never met him before in my life, so that is not a promising beginning, and in our first meeting together he talked about 50% more than anyone else in the room except our boss. He then proceeded to talk over me and tried to take over initiative for all the preparation, telling me I could just “show up” on Monday. I had to be blunt to the point of rudeness to get him to hear me say that no, that’s not how it would go, this will ultimately be my class so I need to teach in my own style; we need to have a good rapport between us, and I don’t like being interrupted or situations arising where one person speaks over another. Basically it was a shock-and-awe treatment to break through enough to get him to hear me! I think I may have been blunt enough that he has gotten the message and I won’t have to do it again, but ugh. Such a young know-it-all. It has made me feel so disinterested in the class already (which I am doing partly for money, but partly also for experience in a field outside my own). Any thoughts for coping with him as co-teacher without getting furious/while being gracious in public??

    1. CleverManka +5

      Any thoughts for coping with him as co-teacher without getting furious/while being gracious in public??

      Is weed legal in your state/country?

    2. SmrtCookie +7

      It sounds like you’re doing an amazingly good job so far! I think anything you can do to psych yourself up mentally would be good. Do the wonder woman pose before you go in to class in the morning? Roleplay diffusing him in ways that will let your students know that you’re in control but not a monster? Ask him to stand in the back while you teach if possible to cement that you’re the teacher and maybe he’ll be less likely to interrupt if he’s not up front with you? And remember it’s only temporary!! Have some way to blow off steam planned or after work and/or after the week is over.

    3. RoseCamelia +9

      You are doing a public service, teaching him as bluntly as necessary that his shit will not be tolerated. On behalf of everyone who will have deal with him in his future: Thank you!

  80. Linette +37

    Ah fuck I forgot it was Friday but HEY GUYS I GOT AN ENORMOUS CLIENT AND THINGS ARE REALLY LOOKING UP FOR OL’ LINETTE.

      1. Linette +4

        LINETTE DOES AND LINETTE IS ALWAYS PROUD TO RECEIVE SHOUTY ENCOURAGEMENT

        LIVIN’ THE BEST LIFE LINETTE

  81. CleverManka +9

    Late to the OT today, but at least I’m here! Yay for things slowing down a bit at my job–at least enough for me to pop on here quickly.

    My energy levels are doing well enough that my health care dude is scaling back on the adrenal/fatigue supplementation and we’re starting work to bolster my digestive system. I don’t know that I’ll be back to Olympic lifting by April (as I’d hoped), but I am discovering more rewarding ways of moving that aren’t in a gym, so that’s cool.

    Next Saturday is my birthday (45!) and since it’s kind of a milestone number and on a Saturday, I’m having a party. I invited about forty people, thinking only half the people invited ever show up to a party, and so far everyone has RSVPd in the positive and I didn’t even ask for RSVPs. I’m starting to cross my fingers that either we have great weather so people can spill outside a bit (unlikely for January in Kansas), or folks change their mind at the last minute.

    1. GreenGrasses +2

      Agh 40 people! That’s awesome! I don’t even know if I know forty people. I bet everything will go swimmingly!!

      1. CleverManka +4

        I’ve lived in this burg since 1988 and I’m surprisingly sociable for a misanthropist.

    4. elsamac +2

      AAAAAAAAH HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Wow, what a compliment to you that everyone is so eager to come celebrate you!

      1. CleverManka +2

        Well, the invitations did mention I’m trying to clear out my old liquor cabinet, so that might have something to do with it.

  82. steelyglints +19

    I recently took a break from my strict regiment of only reading scifi to read Hild and after getting over ‘no space ships yet’ culture shock it was SO GOOD. I haven’t loved anything so much in ages and feel compelled to tell everyone. Has anyone else read it? What else can I read that is just like it???

    1. mittenstheboar +1

      oooh! Someone wrote a few pieces about Hild here on the Toast um…last year? The year before? Sorry I’m bad at linking. However, the comments on those posts have a ton of good recommendations.

  83. Social +1

    Thank you, this made me laugh, which was very much needed. It’s a whole new experience, man. I’ve been in run-of-the-mill fandom arguments before, but never anything this.. personal. This started as a series of petty squabbles and now it’s like a five-act opera in terms of pure PSYCHODRAMA. It would be funny were it not actually hurtful.

    I am not familiar with The Burgomaster, but that sounds like a fitting reward for your travails. Ditto that bottle of Jim Beam. To next week- may it be better job-wise for you, and um, life-wise for me.

  84. no_blues +13

    Toasties, let’s celebrate some of your rad professional recent achievements (especially the underappreciated ones!)

    I work with one of my favourite sports writers, but don’t actually get to edit him much (I’m a copy editor but we do a lot of what would be seen as editing-editing elsewhere too). I crushed it so hard on one of his pieces this week that he told me I was his favourite copy editor and he was going to try to run more features through me as a result. This whole chain of events would have been inconceivable to me even eight months ago. Pretty cool professional moment for this lady.
    (Also, I’m part-time at 4 days a week, but one of my co-workers is leaving, and based on the feedback I’ve been getting from my bosses I’m pretty sure I’ve got next to go full-time. Which is exciting because I’m 31, have two degrees, and have never had a full-time job with benefits.)

  85. sofie_fatale +7

    Toasties, help! I was invited to a bridal shower that’s being hosted at a very swanky restaurant in town. It’s scheduled during a time, which, according to their website, they only offer a $75 per person prix fixe. The invitation also included a gift list. I’ve never been to a shower not held at someone’s home beforeโ€”would you expect to be paying for your own meal in that scenario? The invitation didn’t say either way, or even mention the cost. I’m wondering what other people would expect that to mean before I, uh, potentially modify my gift choice in preparation.

    1. GreenGrasses +8

      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with contacting the person who invited you and asking for the deets!

    2. Absotively +7

      I know etiquette says the standard thing would be for the host to pay, but I’m not sure I’d count on the host knowing that. If you don’t want to ask, can you buy a cheaper gift and then spend more on the wedding present if it turns out that the host is buying?

    3. robotneedslove +10

      I agree with GreenGrasses! And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with declining if you’re expected to pay your own way at those prices and you feel you can’t afford that.

      If you feel badly about the bride, perhaps invite her over for a glass of wine or something and give her a gift privately?

      Just do what you can afford! You should not be expected to bankrupt yourself!

  86. alicia +2

    Any other lovers of complicated dynastic politics gleefully rubbing their hands together over the recent Saudi family coverage? I feel a little guilty over it but I can’t help it.

  87. Unreadaethel +23

    Update on Ex: Getting Rid of His Shit.

    So he finished moving in to town, and told me he’d come by to get the rest of his stuff. Turns out he now lives AROUND THE CORNER from me (complete coincidence, he swears), and decided to move stuff by hand a box at a time, since he still has no car. That was last Sunday, and he called me at one point to tell me he needed to take a break, because his arms were about to fall off (quite reasonably, as there’s a pretty steep hill between us). I sent him a link to the U-Haul site, and haven’t heard from him since. I texted him to ask for his house number, and then said, “I’m bringing the rest of your shit by tomorrow.” He said, “um…are you mad? can I help?”

    No, fuck you asshole, you can’t help. I will get your remaining boxes in the work van, I will bring them to you, and then I will reject your request to go and get lunch together. This is a fucking tedious process, and I want my goddamn front hall back. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR.

      1. Unreadaethel +10

        I’ve been trying to leave this in his court to deal with, as it’s his stuff, and not my responsibility to pack, carry, or deliver. But he’s been in the country for months, and in town for weeks, and not a damn fucking thing has happened. I’ve moved all his shit to right by the front door, and I’m not putting it away until he decides to get his shit together.

        “are you mad” my ass. Straight man, don’t bother me, indeed.

    2. jenavira +15

      I really, really admire your restraint in not just dumping all his shit out on the curb on garbage day.

      1. Unreadaethel +11

        This is actually related to how our relationship got so screwed up in the first place. He has GAD, and I keep trying to avoid doing things which will cause him anxiety (like leaving his shit outside for him to come get). I have depression, and I’ve consistently erred on the side of coddling him (I also don’t have the emotional energy to withstand whining or arguments, so I tend to capitulate fairly quickly). I’m fucking done coddling him. At least I get paid to put up with my boss’s complaints and defensiveness.

        1. jenavira +6

          Oooooooh that is hard. Extra kudos to you, for doing your best in this situation and sticking to your boundaries.

          1. Unreadaethel +3

            It helps that I’ve started planning ways to decorate the entryway, and therefore need to get his boxes of crap out of there.

  88. recipesareoverrated +3

    I am probably way too late already to get many replies, but I recently decided to move to Madison, WI this summer. My fiancรฉ will be working at a pompously-named company there, and I am excited to find out the great things about the city. Are there any other Madison/WI Toasties? I’ve been reading since the beginning, but am a total lurker.

    1. ladyimogen +2

      You should try again next week! I asked about Madison two months or so ago and got all kinds of great replies! I’m excited for you.

  89. sausagedog +3

    Oh my goodness, she’s adorable. She kind of looks like the opposite of Maggie– Maggie resembles a border collie-sized corgi, and Gertie looks like a corgi-sized border collie.

  90. menspraetrepidans +3

    late in the day, i know, but would anyone be interested in a regular quit smoking thread? i’m quitting on february 1st, and I’ve seen a few people allude to smoking–anyone up for the challenge?

    even just a regular vice quitting thread could be good. thoughts?

      1. menspraetrepidans +1

        awesome!! accountability is good, yes? congrats on three weeks!!!

        how are you feeling? anything you did before you quit that you liked or anything you wish you had done differently?

        1. robotneedslove +1

          Ok! Well, for starters and to be honest, I wasn’t that much of a smoker. I’m one of those super-annoying people who has smoked casually, on and off, since I was 15, and can take it or leave it at pretty much any point.

          My boyfriend has been a smoker for 10 years, up to a pack a day for the last 4 or 5 years. I smoked with him, much more regularly than I did before. So I was smoking like 1-4 cigarettes a day, for the last year or so regularly. I pretty regularly took days off, but smoked many more days than I didn’t smoke.

          He decided to quit, not me. I had been bugging him about it, because he’s got a terrible family history of heart disease and I want to spend my life with him and he’s NOT ALLOWED to peace out at 55 because he’s lazy now.

          Honestly when he said he was quitting for real, like the next day, I panicked a bit because I felt not ready, myself. I like smoking, I liked smoking with him, it was something we did together, it signalled the end of the day. But I was like “WELL THEN ME TOO” because we live together and because obviously I had to and also it’s good for me too.

          He’s on the patch, which is REALLY helping. Where we live you can get it for free from the government. He’s also downloaded an app that is really helping. If you’re phone-focused, like measurables, etc, it’s great. He looks at it to get him through cravings.

          We rid our house of smoking reminders, which was relatively easy to do.

          I remind him ALL the time how proud I am of him. I talk a lot about the benefits. He’s doing really really well. He’s pretty determined, and it was time for him.

          I found the first week or so a bit hard, especially on the way home from work, because an .after-work smoke had become a ritual. It’s a lot easier now. I also focus on the benefits, which include:

          -less public shame. Smoking is so out, and I’m so glad that my boyfriend no longer goes out to smoke at family events, with friends, etc. It’s so nice not to smell like smoke, too. Smoking is gross!
          -money saved! Hurray!
          -health improved! Hurray!
          -better role models for our future kids!
          -more options – like, my friend just went on a dog-sledding trip, and it sounded AMAZING, and I realized that before, I would feel like I couldn’t do that with my boyfriend because smoking is such a big part of his daily life. It feels free to not have cigarettes rule us like that.
          -easier time at movies, on planes, etc. So often I could FEEL the anxiety start to rise off him, and I hated it. I was always thinking about it – like, go have a smoke NOW before we go through security. Again, FREEDOM.
          -more time to do other things. A pack a day habit took more than 2 hours out of his day. CRAZY.

          Anyway, it’s been great. The app is GREAT. Good luck to you!

          1. menspraetrepidans +1

            This is all really helpful! I’ve only been smoking for 6 years, and the most I’ve ever smoked was two and a half packs a week, but I’ve gotten to the point where I hate doing it while I’m smoking but still think about it and head out to do it three or four times a day. Since I moved in August, I’ve only smoked at my apartment, so I’ve at least cut it out of my social life.

            I’ve got the app (Quit Now?), but I don’t know how much the patch would help–I’ve never had a problem with nicotine withdrawal. (I don’t smoke around my parents so I’ve done “cold-turkey” when visiting them, anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months at a time, and not missed the nicotine.) Mainly I’m trying to think of other reasons to go sit on my little porch–that’s as big a part of the routine/addiction as the smoking. I am sooo excited about the saved money, and I think once I see my breathing improved that’ll be motivating too!

            Thanks again ๐Ÿ˜€

  91. KatPruska +13

    I just figured out how pictures work, sort of. This is bound to be huge. Leela and Gertie, cuddling.

  92. turanga_leela +3

    This week has been so busy. And now I am tired and cold and wanting it to be summer, when I will be warmer and less busy. I’ll be reading most of the open thread tomorrow but just wanted to say “Hello!”

    Hope everyone has a good weekend.

    1. CleverManka +2

      Ugh, yes, I hear you. So busy at work, and we had some nice days but now it’s all cold and gray again and ugh it’s a burden to just go to the damn grocery store, even. Hope you’re able to store up some energy this weekend to help you make it through next week.

      1. turanga_leela +2

        Thanks! I went to bed at the same time as the spawn and then slept for 11 hours, so feeling much better today. Plus the sun is finally out!

  93. CheddarBiscuit +3

    I’ve been exercising most days using the videos at FitnessBlender. I’m away from home for a few months for work/study and don’t have access to a gym or get home early enough to go jogging outside, so these videos have been a nice solution. And I’ve found that even when I’m not really in the mood to work out, I can usually still talk myself into doing a 30-minute routine, since I don’t even have to leave my apartment.

    I’ve also been flossing more diligently than usual after that Hairpin article and I think my gums actually look visibly healthier. It’s a small thing, but an important one!

    (this was supposed to go in the self-care thread)

  94. dakimel +11

    Oh Toast!! My college boy just had his first piece published in their Onion-ish paper. (Claims the ‘questionable stuff’ was written by someone else.) (Presume this is his way of assuring Mom he’s incapable of imagining a plaster cast of labia.)

    It is Relevant To Our Interests, even though he’s clearly part of the problem.
    http://www.thegoldenantlers.com/senior-scripps-st…

  95. BakesAndRuns +33

    I was having coffee with a friend in a cafe in Berkeley, and I became convinced that a lady sitting nearby was possibly Mallory. After lots of surreptitious (who am I kidding, I got less and less sly) peeking, and explanations to my friend, I finally determined that it was not, in fact, Mallory when the lady in question concluded her meal by joining hands with her dining companion and quietly thanking Our Heavenly Father for various things.

  96. bmorganjoy +3

    HIIIIIII Toasties, what started as a week from the horrible cesspits of an ill-serviced sewer line is ending, well, adequately.
    I got my no-fee passport application in and barring some shockingly rapid developments in processing time, I won’t have to get my roommate to drive me back to base again this month! This is delightful, the visitor pass guys have started to Comment, but I would not object to outlandishly fast passport processing as it would mean getting my visa application in sooner.

    This afternoon I have an appointment to get new ISO-compliant microchips for my cats (and then another rabies vaccination documented with the new longer numbers). I believe I have successfully gotten them Extremely High in preparation for that–my rad friend sent us a belated giftmas care package with all sorts of wonderful cat things in it and some homemade vegan treats for me, so we have a BIG STASH of the potent cat drugs now. I can tell they’re probably high enough for this vet trip because Twoflower is making huge sleepy squeak-sighs and putting her face on and near my legs and Trillian isโ€ฆprobably sleeping on something belonging to my roommate. THE NIP NAP STRUGGLE IS REEEEEEAL MY FRIENDS.

    So the big things that remain to me just now are:
    1. got to get rid of this dang motorcycle! Are you in the market for an early-90s 250cc Honda and in the Sacramento area? Is someone you know? A Man who lives in my complex tried to convince me it’s worth a couple hundred dollars and I am like m8 my dad taught me better than that and even though we don’t talk much we would both be MUCH SHAMED if I accepted an offer of like a sixth of the trade-in value ALSO I KNOW WHAT WE PUT INTO THIS THING LIKE TWO YEARS AGO (a LOT more than that, probably 50% of this bike is actually only 2 years old!) BUT ANYWAY if anyone is looking please let me know, I’d rather sell to a Toastie or Toastie-acquainted than a creepy dude from craigslist who thinks he can lowball because I’m a lady.
    2. what in SWEET HECKERDOODLES am I to do with this gigantic fricken loom? I paid $150 for it and then played Dr Frankenstein on it, it works, but it works in a specific way I’m not sure would suit anyone else and I am unreasonably attached to it. BUT! I don’t know if the military moving people will take it and ship it for me (oh, uh, did I not mention the welded steel frame? because, heh, that’s a thing it has), or if I will have anywhere to put it when we have a place in Molesworth. Also I have like 2.5 yards of very wide and uncooperative warp on it I’ve been ignoring for months and I owe my step-mom and in-laws towels.

    1. bmorganjoy +3

      Update: The babycats were VERY GOOD at the vet, the tech commented that they have outrageously soft coats WHAT are you FEEDING them?! and the two microchips and two vaccines only cost me $112! That’s damn close to what I was expecting to pay (my expectations were vague), this clinic is very consistent with meeting/exceeding expectations! They also have a couple employees who’ve done the military-with-pets-overseas-travel beat so they’re quite reassuring on that front.

  97. TheclaAndSeals +2

    ETA: UGH this for was @no_blues

    I like this!

    Here’s mine: There are certain things my boss has to sign off on. She used to review everything I gave her reeeeally closely, and ask lots of questions, and it would take 20-30 minutes for each thing. Now that I have consistently been awesome, I give her all the documentation, say, “ABC wants to do XYZ and I do/do not support it because of 123,” and 90% of the time she signs off on whatever I recommend. My work life has gotten simpler and less stressful because of it. It is very nice to have the default assumption be that I am competent and my recommendations are solid.

    1. no_blues +1

      I got the e-mail notification about this, at least!

      That is super awesome. (For your boss, too, I bet, but mainly for you!) It is so heartening when your competency is actually acknowledged!!!

  99. ohnoohno +2

    Toasties, I’m a long-time lurker and only a first-or-second -time poster, but I’m having a super terrible night and was hoping some of y’all might have advice. Does anyone have any experience with just seriously fucking up a round of graduate school applications? I’m applying to a bunch of doctoral programs in a field that I really feel I belong in, and I honestly think I’m a strong candidate, but somehow I didn’t _let_ myself put in a strong application. I panicked so much that I wrote my statement of purpose super late (hello, morning first application was due), and my writing sample is close to my best work, but I can see so many flaws in it, and I _know_ there are ways it falls short of the mark. That is, even though it’s the best I’ve done, I know I need to do better to have a serious shot. The final straw is that I just missed the application deadline to my top-choice school, despite having had a month to work on the application.

    I’ve been working really hard at school and work for the past six-ish years (perhaps five! I kind of fucked up as a freshman), and I’ve recently had a lot of family-illness problems and family-death problems and relationship problems and I am _so damn tired_, but I really thought I could do this this year. And I suppose it isn’t the end of the world if I don’t get in anywhere this year, and I suppose I can try again, but I’m just really upset with myself and it feels like none of my excuses are very good. Also, I will have to go explain to several professors I _really_ like and respect why I haven’t gotten in anywhere despite their generous advice and mentorship and letters of recommendation, and that is just not exciting.

    So. Do you have grad-school-application-fuckup stories? I’d really love to hear them, especially if they are now hilarious/warm memories of growing pains in the distant past, and you are now wildly successful.

    1. bocadelperro +4

      1: I missed my top-choice deadline for grad school too. I was utterly crushed at the time. I later found out that this was a blessing in disguise, since the program lost all its faculty when I was doing my MA work, so I would have been advisorless in my Ph.D.

      2: In my experience (which is in US Humanities/Social Sciences Ph.D. programs) personal statements are the least-weighted parts of an application, particularly if you’re still in school.
      A friend of mine sat on a grad admissions committee where an applicant’s personal statement contained the line “If admitted to Stanford, I will…”. Problem is, the application was…not to Stanford. (In fact the program is more prestigious and competitive than its equivalent at Stanford). They didn’t realize it until after they had mailed his acceptance letter.

      1. ohnoohno +2

        Both of those points are really comforting. (Also, good to know I am not The Only Person ever to miss one of these deadlines, which I’m sure I knew on some level, but, you know, feelings.) Besides, I guess the extra year will give me time to (a) see whether the programs I picked out still look like solid fits, faculty-wise, and (b) decide whether I still want to do it at all.

        That second story is, aside from being illustrative, also pretty funny. Much appreciated! Thanks for sharing. ๐Ÿ™‚

    2. paperbgprincess +4

      I’ve never applied to grad school so I don’t have any real advice for you, but I just want to say first: Welcome to posting! We are glad to have you.

      Second, you’ve gotta try to find a way to stop stressing out and going down this shame-spiral. You sound like you are your own worst critic, as are a lot of us! Try to let go of the applications that have already gone out — there’s nothing you can do to change them now — and focus on making some strategies for the next ones. It’s no use worrying about what hasn’t happened yet (having to explain you didn’t get in anywhere) so all you can do is focus on breaking down your next applications into doable steps. Maybe you can talk to a sympathetic friend or a therapist about coping strategies for going forward?

      And, you know what? Even if you DON’T get in anywhere, it’s not the end of the world and there are still plenty of other things you can do. Grad school is always there. Lots of people take a bunch of time off before going and there are so many possibilities! You’ll find a way to get through it all if you can manage to slow down and breathe and relax. Good luck!

      1. ohnoohno +1

        Wow, that was really kind and perceptive. Thank you. ๐Ÿ™‚

        Definitely the shame-spiral is a problem, and definitely scaling back my self-criticism/worrying about my projections of other people’s criticism is a thing I’m working on. Maybe a break from academia, even if I do go back, would be good for me, because it’s pretty difficult to stop putting so much stock in other people’s opinions of my work when grades/being published/being hired depend upon it. Anyway, this is all really level-jeaded and helpful feedback. Thanks!

        1. RoseCamelia +3

          Taking a break from academia. My Beloved started his PhD when in his 40s. He was accepted to grad school entirely on the basis of his work outside academia. His undergrad grades were bad, just barely graduated, because he has a severe learning disability which was not addressed in those days. But he is Fucking Brilliant. His work outside of school proved that. So he was admitted to grad school.

          Everyone he works with has been to grad school. PhDs and Master’s degrees required for his kind of work. Almost all of them got into grad school *after* being in the nonacademic world for a few years. Does that help?

          I am glad you delurked. And I hope to see you again soon in the Toast comments.

          And pleasepleasepleaseplease be more kind to yourself. You would not permit anyone you love to be treated the way you are treating yourself. So much pressure, so little acceptance.

          1. ohnoohno

            That does help. Thanks very much for sharing it. It’s good to know that this process is not some sort of binary thing, where I either get in at 23 or can never go at all.

            As for the bit about kindness, that’s probably really good advice. Thanks. ๐Ÿ™‚

    3. deleted8734219 +5

      Frienddd. I don’t know if anything I’m about to say approaches heartwarming, but when I was fucking up grad applications this time last year, it was because I did not want to be in grad school anymore. It’s amazing the lengths I went to in order to miss meetings and not finish my writing sample in time. I should want to have such determination in everything I do.

      But — it also turned out I was having some reasonably serious brain chemistry problems, too. Listen to your poor brain. You are under stress and you might be burned out from pushing too hard in general. My advice is to be kind to yourself. Even if being in a doctoral program is, unlike me, your #1 destiny, it does not mean the rest of your life or your body is catching on to the reality of that destiny. If it’s not coming together for you right now, then maybe it’s just not the right time. And that is so okay. It doesn’t mean the right time isn’t just around the corner, nor does it mean that you suddenly lack some totally fucking awesome opportunities for entering in September of this year after all.

      You feel disappointed in yourself because you want to have a better output than you’re able to generate right now, but I promise your professors are not disappointed in you. They don’t need an explanation from you, and if they ask you for one they have misconceptions about what their role is. They are here to support your endeavors, whatever those endeavors are. Academia will fool you into believing that everyone understands that you really only have one outcome and it is X. You have a lot of options, and any professor worth their salt will support all of them, as long as they’re what you want.

      Hand in your half-assed applications — which are, by the way, probably way better than you think they are — and see what it gets you. If you really want something better for yourself, ask for a deferral from your best choice and do another round of applications next year. You’ll have a chance to catch up with yourself, you’ll have no shortage of options, and you’ll be cutting yourself some slack and allowing flexibility, which I certainly lacked & could have used more of as a grad student.

      Your hard work? Still there. All that experience? Still yours. It never leaves you. You have so much time. Take a breath. No matter what, it’ll be okay. You’ll get to where you need to be.

      1. ohnoohno +2

        That…all sounds pretty relevant, really. I’ve been having Major Doubts in a lot of other areas of my life lately (seems, from talking to friends, like that might be par for the early-20s course?), and I haven’t really let myself interrogate this grad school idea very far, and my plans to apply are part of a decision I made at the time that i was making a lot of other choices that seemed like good ideas at the time and now feel really ill-fitting. Maybe there is a way that I can want this Someday but not necessarily Now.

        Also, that deferral idea is something I had not even remembered as an option. That sounds like a really solid way to think about this.

        Also, good point, re: chemistry. I’ve been seeing a lovely therapist for a little while, and I think my particular problems are more circumstantial/behavioral than chemical, but I definitely have a lot more work to do to sort them out. I’ve been trying to force Fixing My Thinking to fit a grad-school-apps calendar, and now that I articulate that I can see why it hasn’t been working. :p

        Definitely heartwarming; extremely helpful. Thanks so much. ๐Ÿ™‚

    4. Taiga +1

      I applied to two schools, one of them where I was doing my undergrad, and hadn’t heard anything from them. I was patiently waiting when a prof told me they were still waiting on one of my recommendations. I contacted the former employer and he said what, I mailed that off months ago. Then checked and found them sitting in his office, unmailed. My prof helped get my application through, but the other school rejected me because my application was incomplete without that recommendation. My former employer NEVER APOLOGIZED.
      I don’t know if that helps, but that’s my grad school application fuckup story.

  100. Household_Opera +8

    Toastrons! I’m seriously considering going on a lesbian walking holiday in the English Lake District this summer. Assuming I can get past my weird anxiety over making travel arrangements for large-scale trips (the airfare! the logistics! the planning! what if something goes wrong at the last minute and I can’t go? what if VOLCANO ERUPTION IN ICELAND? etc. etc. etc.). I’ve done this kind of trip before, so you’d think my brain would have figured out that it will all work out OK in the end, but my brain is a slow learner sometimes.

    Also I learned how to knit a very convincing and surprisingly easy-to-make plaid fabric this weekend, thanks to a workshop with the marvelous Franklin Habit, who told us that a good rule of thumb when combining colors is to always use at least a little bit of one color you can’t stand and/or think is really weird. Which strikes me as a metaphor for life, somehow.

    1. alicia +1

      That plaid! I am pretty excited about this, as a former weaver who no longer owns (or has room for) a loom. Garter stitch for the warp so it moves like knit, but with a woven weft! I have noticed that a lot of knitters haaaaaaate anything that looks like sewing or weaving which is probably why this isn’t already A Thing because I bet it’s fabulous to wear. Mmm, my fingers are already getting itchy to try it.

    2. Beckie +1

      Travel insurance! Buy it before you even book anything, if that helps. That holiday (and entire website) looks amazing.

      Also, that plaid is awesome. I think I know what to do with the souvenir yarn I got in Ireland now.

  101. Zueignung +2

    <Humanities academic job market scream into the void> After several years of trying, I should just give up, right? Instead of intoning melodramatically to myself, “My dream is dead.”

    1. RoseCamelia +3

      You get to decide at what point to implement Plan B. You set a date for seeking gainful employment elsewhere. Once you have enough income elsewhere to keep you from starvation and homelessness, you begin again seeking employment in the humanities academic market. While employed elsewhere.

      It sucks, I know. Sorry. And good luck.

  102. amanita +7

    This is way buried but my sweet life partner just texted me to let me know that he just chatted with Neko Case for 15 minutes and I am not sure how to live with the jealousy. What did I do this evening? Unclogged the bathtub drain, walked the dog, and felt my feelings. Not the same. Not the same at all.

      1. amanita +2

        Our dog! They talked about dogs & a couple of mutual friends, I guess. He’s at this weird conference that I still kind of don’t get and I had nooooo idea that meant more than bad coffee and lots of panels, but apparently it really really does.

        1. laurenipsum +1

          On reflection, of course they talked about dogs.

          If it’s any consolation, they are at a conference *without* dogs while you are home *with* dog. Ultimately you win.

  103. Taiga

    Has anyone else been following The Walrus’s rape trial series? A reporter randomly chose a rape trial and has been posting about everything that happened in the courtroom. The verdict was just reached. The link takes you to the first of eight posts. http://thewalrus.ca/part-1-she-said/