Previously in this series.
Thou hast a plucky band of friends who alleviate the great drama of thy life with their witticisms. Alas, they will later be horribly killed thanks to their prior association with thee.
Thou not only tellest sad stories of the death of kings, thou liv’st it.
Thy mentor is a drunkard or dead.
Thy wife is a metaphor for colonialism.
Thou hast put new meaning into the term “kissing cousins.”
Thy advisor is a turncoat.
Thou trusteth in Churchmen, and find thyself manipulated.
Thou art a great disappointment to thy father.
And thy mother.
And thy whole family, more or less.
Forget the longbow—’tis thy speeches that won the day!
Thou hast murdered at least one member of thy family.
Thy family is so dysfunctional, it is a wonder thou hast not killed off some of them before now.
Thy family is only somewhat functional when a member of a rival family appears.
Thy subjects have insulted thee to thy face.
Thy country is full of easily-led mobs.
Thou art continually at war with the French.
Someone is imprisoned in the Tower.
A duke is dead. ‘Tis likely thy fault.
Though thou speakest aloud thy secret plans,
it surprises all to see blood on thy hands.
Thou art not a very good king.
If thou be a good killer, thou be not a good king.
Thou art king, thy head is heavy with the crown,
and thou speakest of this fact endlessly.
Thy son cavorts with a creepy old man.
Thy brothers would be better kings than thee.
Thy brother’s wife looks very attractive…
Oops. All thy brothers are dead.
Thou art a maid, and thy name is Mary, Katherine, or Elizabeth.
Thou art a man, and thy name is Richard, Edward, or Henry.
Thou hast the Pope much offended.
In return, all Europe is upended.
Thou hast been forced to eat a leek.
On, on, you noblest English! Spit thy enemy’s infants on pikes! Ravish their virgins! Smash their old mens’ heads against the wall! For that is the behavior of noble Englishmen at war!
Thou hast an incredibly obvious pseudonym.
Thy rival hast sent thee a case of balls. ‘Tis a low blow (and bad pun) even for thee.
Thou art the king, and yet thou feelest thyself greatly inferior to the as-of-yet unestablished Tudor dynasty.
Thou art a Tudor king and thou feelest in thy soul that all thy greatness of thy legacy will be incarnated in thy noblest and most glorious descendant Elizabeth I! (Forget Richard II Your Majesty! ‘Twas not thee!)
Likewise, is not James I the most handsome monarch to ever roam the earth?
Thou hast a prophetic dream that thy current course will lead to thy death, and yet thou dost not change thy plans.
Only in thy death art thou heroic.
Tags: books, elyse martin, how to tell what novel you’re in, plays, shakespeare
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Thou art a lady, but thou wearest a cap and thy acquaintances cannot recognize thee and take thee for a boy.
“Thy son cavorts with a creepy old man.”
Creepy? What mean’st thou creepy?
These are really funny but shouldn’t most of those “thy”s be “thine”? For instance, I think “thine brothers would be better kings than thee” is more grammatically correct than “thy brothers would be better kings than thee”
I could be wrong but not sure
“Thine” is used when in the predicate position (“This sword is thine”) or when modifying a word that beings with a vowel (“Drink to me only with thine eyes”). It works like “a” and “an.”
No, “thy” = “your” and “thine” = yours.
Thine can be used as “yours”, but also as “your” when followed by a word beginning with a vowel. To use some history plays as examples, Henry IV sees “Danger and disobedience in thine eye,” while Richard II is “No lord of thine.”
Thou art a man, and thy name is Richard, Edward, or Henry.
Thou art the same man, but everyone calls thee Gloucester, Bedford, Exeter, Warwick, Winchester, Somerset, York, Lancaster, Suffolk, Salisbury, Buckingham, Surrey, Clarence, Aumerle, Northumberland, Norfolk, Oxford, or Westmoreland.
I’m going to demand that everyone calls me Guildford from now. It sounds classier.
This is really great and I love it, but Ye Olde Shakespearean has its own grammar, and although overall you seem to have a pretty good handle on it rather than using the common method of (Carrie Brownstein voice) “Put an -eth on it!!!!!”(thank you for that), there still are a few things:
*THINE advisor is a turncoat (“thine” replaces “thy” when preceding a word that starts with a vowel)
*Thou TRUSTEST in churchmen, and FINDEST thyself manipulated (I trust, thou trustest, he/she/it trusteth)
Probably *If thou ART or BEEST a good killer, thou ART or BEEST not a good king, but be might be okay if the character speaking is a bit rustic/affecting rusticity so this one is not super important
*On, on, you noblest English! Spit YOUR enemy’s infants on pikes! Ravish their virgins! Smash their old mens’ heads against the wall! For that is the behavior of noble Englishmen at war!” (I LOVE THIS but if you’re addressing Englishmen plural, you have to stick with “you” even though it doesn’t look as cool, you can’t just stick a “thy” in there unless you’re singling out one particular individual exhortee for that particular sentence)
I AM SO SORRY THANKS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME.
Forget the longbow—’tis thy speeches that won the day!
If you’re talking about Agincourt, specifically, one of the better theories I’ve read is that the decisive factor in the English victory was… mud. The armored French cavalry churned up the field between the English and French lines, and the men-at-arms on foot who followed them were exhausted by the time they reached the English lines from slogging through the muck, and similarly hampered when they tried to retreat. (The longbowmen did help a lot by driving off the cavalry, and also could put an arrow through the lower-quality armor at point-blank range.)
But yeah, Henry V has some bitchin’ speeches.
I LOVE HANK CINQUE. That is all.
I was very distracted by Emma! and now I must go back and actually read.
I AM HERE FOR THIS, OTHER ELYSE WITH A Y WHO MAKES SHAKESPEARE THINGS.
Love,
Another Elyse, with a Y, who is a dramaturg.
Likewise, is not James I the most handsome monarch to ever roam the earth?
Sudden flashback to a Shakespeare class in which the prof told us that Macbeth was probably performed at least once for James I, and that scene where the witches produce apparitions of Banquo’s descendents could have been staged so that the king-apparition with a mirror held it up to reflect James’s face.
Also, I love all the Henry V ones, especially “Thou hast been forced to eat a leek.”
So when can we start posting Tom Hiddleston ‘Hollow Crown’ gifs?
All thy letters arrive but 5 minutes too late to prevent a most lamentable tragedy from unfolding.
It’s so true about the names! Who is called Mary, though?
Thy life story hath been conflated with that of thine own uncle/nephew/in-law.
Thou changest identity halfway through the play. Now thou art thine own uncle/nephew/in-law.
Thou hast the privilege of either listening to or giving a long, complicated speech explaining thy claim to some throne or other. Someone steppeth up to announce that NOTHING COULD BE MORE PLAIN THAN THIS.
Your enemy is a resolved villain whose bowels have suddenly burst out. Unluckily, he poisoned you first.