Previously: haters of the sea.
The desert is a barren wasteland devoid of all life but haters and trolls. Nothing can grow there; the ground itself is a griefer.
“Oh, sorry, were you trying to grow roots,” the desert says to pretty much every plant. “How about just kill yourself.”
This is why humans invented things like oases; we like to remind haters that no matter how sandy and gritty they get, you can’t keep us from doing things like drinking water and enjoying ourselves near trees.
Haters of the Desert: A Taxonomy
A cactus is not a hater. A cactus thrives despite the desert’s best attempts to evaporate all the water away from it. The needles are just there for protection; a cactus has been hurt before. You need to leave a cactus alone and stop bothering it. It’s doing what it has to to survive, and you don’t know what it’s been through.
The desert is dry because of foehn winds and also because of jealousy.
Dust storms are haters. “You think you can escape the desert just because you’re in the sky? Think again.” Dust storms will bring the sand to you, wherever you are.
Flash floods are real trolls. “Oh, were you thirsty?” a flash flood will ask. “How about I drown you and then vanish.”
A scorpion is a straight up fake. It’s a lobster poser that doesn’t have the guts to visit the ocean and get called out on its shit. It’s a spider wearing a tank so it can’t experience criticism. A scorpion can dish it out but he can’t take it, and he doesn’t even have the decency to put his poison in his mouth so he has to look you in the face when he bites you. He stings you from the back, like an asshole.
Lizards are trolls. The Lacertilia suborder is defined as “all reptiles with overlapping scales that are not snakes.” Stop defining yourself by what you’re not. Think about what you’re contributing to the conversation, lizards. Is being “not a snake” really good enough?
Desert foxes are haters. Their ears are “unusually large” from listening to your secrets when it’s not their business.
Illustrator: Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.
Tags: animals, haters, taxonomy, the desert
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And don’t forget the bats! Always with the caves – what do they have to hide?
I knew those Goddamned foxes were laughing at me behind my back.
ADDENDUM: I am such a fan of Chill Cactus. In his shades, whistling along with his earbuds in. He ain’t trying to hurt you, he’s just doing his thing.
That cactus might be my new spirit animal…er….spirit plant?
http://the-toast.net/2013/10/22/your-spirit-anima…
There is a whole family of foxes in my woods. Do you suppose they are talking about me right now?
oh, if you have to ask, they are.
Of course they are!
LOL forever at “That’s weird about your mom”
Thank you for using the proper plural of oasis.
Mallory, not to detract from desert hatorade exposé….but!
there actually WERE SEA SCORPIONS once upon a time!
Some were like, dachshund-sized, but some of them were BIGGER THAN HUMANS
sorry to joyfully leap and pounce on one tiny part of desert haterdom, but i’ve got a soft spot for paleo-monsters
I’m so torn between “LOOK AT ITS LITTLE FACE OMG SO CUTE” and “I’m glad this is extinct now”
EURYPTERIDS 😀 😀 😀 😀
DDDDDDDDDDDDD:
I wish I was a spider wearing a tank so I couldn’t experience criticism. I’m already spineless, so why not just kill people without looking at them?
I’ve been through the desert on a hater with no name. What was I gonna do? Haters gonna hate.
Coyotes: haters or just chill?
They definitely have the “doing whatever they can to survive” thing down pat, but they also poop all over everything. So: Haters.
Desert coyotes are just doing their thing, city coyotes are trolls, and I love them for it.
Dust storms are total haters, agreed, but they’re also excellent at making the sky look pretty right before they hit, so.
The desert is totally filled with haters. Went to work last night and it was 109 as I walked across campus and any semblance of looking like a grown up melted before I got to my classroom. Sheesh.
I am here to affirm that scorpions are absolutely and totally the worst thing ever. alone among the arachnidae, they will fucking go for you. I have in the past had to remove pants that scorpions (well, only one at the time) were (was) swarming up. Mexican friends of mine have told me it’s a cultural assumption to them that you never just get one scorpion at a time. and they sit in the middle of the floor in dark rooms, waiting for delicious feet and being next to invisible even in the light. scorpions aren’t hatin’: scorpions are hate. they are the wasps of the undercarriage.
With all the rain in South Texas lately, the local scorpions are trying to relocate to inside my parents’ house. I have to wear shoes all the time and I HATE IT and THEM and THEIR LURKING.
I am having a bad day, but this made it much better.
Black Widows though, splendid droplet of distilled misandry waiting silently in the dark.
It’s a spider wearing a tank so it can’t experience criticism.
*picks up another blank pillowcase and embroidery thread*
“You need to leave a cactus alone and stop bothering it. It’s doing what it has to to survive, and you don’t know what it’s been through.”
Well. I am a cactus. Brb printing this out and distributing copies to everyone who is bothering me. Leave me alone or I’ll grow spines.
Lizards are fakes, especially the ones with the removable tails. Faker city. Hate them.
RE: Foxes.
A cactus may be chill, but be wary! Just look at what is hiding inside this one’s ear, wrapped around its brain stem:
Fucking cactus-invading owls. Jerks.
I’ve never seen a Cactuar with an iPhone and sunglasses!
I feel like lizards are bros who are really into pushups. Fun fact: in Spanish (at least Mexican Spanish), pushups are called lagartijas (Iizards).