Channing Tatum does not dry himself off with a towel; he braces himself on all fours and shakes himself dry like a duck dog.
Channing Tatum sticks his head out of the window on long car rides. Sometimes, if he catches someone looking at him, he’ll stick his tongue out happily, to complete the effect. It’s partly a joke, and partly something he does without knowing why he has to do it.
Channing Tatum still remembers the password to his old Hotmail account. It ends in “69.”
Channing Tatum calls H&M “H.M.” When his wife Jenna corrects him, he says, “Yeah, babe, that’s what I said. H&Ms.”
The first time that Channing Tatum listened to Nina Simone was almost exactly like that scene from Clueless where Christian asks Cher if she likes Billie Holliday and she says, “I love him.” Now, if you asked him about her, he would say, “I don’t always understand what she’s singing about, but man, it makes me feel something.”
Channing Tatum’s favorite movie is The Man With Two Brains.
Channing Tatum’s favorite snack is Flamin’ Hot Cheetos dipped in those little individual-serving-sized tubs of cream cheese. His trainer smacks them out of his hand whenever she sees him eating them, and he just laughs.
Channing Tatum has a low-key fantasy of doing a Robin-Hood-style disguise and auditioning for So You Think You Can Dance as an unknown.
When Channing Tatum prays, which isn’t often, he actually gets down on his knees and does the little folded-hand thing, like kids do in old illustrated books. He only knows the one prayer, the “now-I-lay-me-down-to-sleep-I-pray-the-Lord-my-soul-to-keep” one, but he means it.
Channing Tatum has seen every episode of Charmed.
Channing Tatum has exactly one little kids’ game in his repertoire. He calls it Sweater Monster. He pulls the hood of his sweater up over his head and growls like a monster. It’s not much, but kids love it. “I don’t get it,” Jenna says. “What’s not to get, babe? Sweater Monster. Sweater” – gesturing to his hoodie – “Monster” – he gestures toward his face. “Sweater Monster.”
Your posts on Channing Tatum KEEP ME GOING. THANK YOU.
Can we talk about how Magic Mike, which he personally funded and based on his previous stripping experience, is basically self insert Gary Stu fan-fiction that’s also somehow adorable?
If only all of our Gary Stu/Mary Sue fanfic could be directed by Steven Soderbergh.
LOL. Aren’t they, though?
But does he end the prayer with the old-school “if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take,” or that bullshit new ending about flights of angels?
My chorus did a work (“The Peacemakers” by Karl Jenkins) that uses it as the text for a movement, and there’s like SIX verses, and one of them goes like:
Four corners to my bed
Four angels there are spread
Two at the foot
Two at the head
Four to carry me when I’m dead
Which. WHAT.
Old-fashioned prayers are fucking metal, man. There’s another Catholic classic where you literally beg God to set you on fire with the blaze of his spirit.
Brings to mind John Donne’s Holy Sonnet “Batter my heart” where he begs God to rape him. Not a prayer, but may as well be.
Look, people used to die a lot.
that was the english translation of the prayer song from the opera hansel and gretel!
It sounds so much better in German, though.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQbe9cGgC2Y
This Toast thread gives me life
Totally the old-school “die before I wake” one. That’s half the reason he does it– it was the first thing that made him confront his own mortality, and so now he feels like he has to recite it, as a safeguard.
(The rest of the time he is blissfully ignorant of the possibility of death. He leads a great life.)
There are things about flights of angels? Huh. When I was a kid, our new-school lines were “Guard me safely through the night / Wake me with the morning bright.”
THIS IS ALL CANON NOW. EVERY SINGLE PART OF IT.
God, I am SO JAZZED to make all of my friends watch Jupiter Ascending tonight. BIRTHDAY PARTIES ARE THE BEST.
You are doing the Lord’s work.
“we need someone who is basically a golden retriever in human form.”
“get me Tatum!”
Mallory says she didn’t like that movie, but obviously she is on the same page as the Wachowskis about SOME things.
oh god, such a confused lady boner now. Am… am I attracted to golden retrievers?
No, see, Hemsworth is a human Golden Retriever. Tatum is one of those doofy Labs with the big block heads, who’re kind of hyper and always want to cuddle in your lap despite weighing 100 pounds. Like this:
(I may have thought about this a little too much.)
This was two days ago but I just want to say that I have one of those doofus labs who is always trying to sit on your lap, and this is perfect, Channing Tatum is definitely a lab in human form!
The Jupiter Ascending 3D/Blu-Ray/DVD combo pack was my best drunk purchase ever, 10/10 would purchase again
Do yourself a solid and listen to Paul Scheer & Jason Mantzoukas discuss Jupiter Ascending on their podcast “How Did This Get Made?”
http://www.earwolf.com/episode/jupiter-ascending/
Oh, I listened to that more or less as soon as it came out. HDTGM is my favorite podcast.
Mine too!
I love HDTGM but hated that episode because I don’t feel like the Wachowskis made Jupiter Ascending for dudes, and I only wanted to hear what June had to say… 🙁
100% agree, I needed June’s POV in that episode. It’s not the same without the full trio.
Channing and Jenna Dewan-Tatum would be the greatest Thanksgiving guests. They would probably not offer to bring a dish, because they don’t really cook and something store-bought would seem impersonal. Instead, they’d bring a wine or two that probably cost 10x what I usually pay for wine.
“It’s from Italy,” Jenna would say.
“It’s got a sick lion on the label,” Chan would add, helpfully.
They would take turns effusively praising every dish at dinner, even trying the vegetarian options and being surprised and delighted at “how good tofu could taste!” After dinner, we’d play Apples to Apples while watching a re-run of the dog show. Channing’s turn would always take longest, because he’d either be paralyzed with laughter at his choices, or distracted by “that weird fluffy dog, man. Look at it! It’s like the broom from Fantasia!”
Every part of this warms my heart.
Also, can we have a “If X were your dinner guest” series of posts next?
yes please! with what they would offer to being and etc would be awesome
My entire department is leaving at noon today for a barbecue (I have to drive interns home so I am declining) so I am on this.
it’s got a sick lion on the label this is 500% why I buy things half the time, let’s hear it for sick lions
The best part of this is you know he probably has a good memory for which wines he prefers, but only remembers the pictures on the labels and not the names. If a wine changes its label, then he has to stand there in the store describing the old picture to the closest employee. “The lion was kinda doing this face. *snarls*”
I make 90% of my wine purchasing decisions based on how cool the label is.
I’m probably 50/50 on how cool the label is or how awesome the name is.
I am such a snob about wine names. I understand that both ménage e trois and cupcake are reasonably good wines but I just don’t hold with that. Although I do love the weird names of wines from Australia because they’re perfectly respectable- named after a local landmark it just so happens that in Australia local landmarks can be named Dingo Rump.
So I have a common last name. Not Jones, but like that. I may or may not have discovered a winery that includes my common name. Something like Jones Valley Vineyard. I may or may not have bought a case of not-bad-but-not-wonderful wine from them so I could show up at every subsequent dinner party with a gift of wine bearing my own name.
I think this will be the fantasy I’ll use while trying to fall asleep. “And when Channing tries to bordelaise sauce I made, he will, with his mouth still full, point repetitively to the gravy boat and close with eyes with delight while emitting sound just in the middle of a running engine and a ‘mmmm’, then, after he finished chewing will say ‘SO GOOD’ and addressing his wife ‘babe you gotta try this'”
Screenshot from AMA is awesome. I will herewith post a link to the AMA. In which he actually mocks Jupiter Ascending (or agrees with someone else’s mocking).
I love Chan-chan the Chan Man.
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/3a7irw/i_am…
See, this is why I love The Toast. It would never have occurred to me to read that AMA, and now I have laughed myself to tears. Bless you.
And now you want to try his perfect PB&J&Cheeto sandwich, don’t you?
If he had posted it as a comment to The Toast, perhaps.
But, no.
“there was a white out blizzard which I got to take a poop in”
Bless.
OH MY GOD
THIS CONFIRMS MY HEADCANON I CALLED IT
THIS IS MAGICAL. I JUST KEEP SQUEEING.
CHARMING TATER
I firmly believe Channing Tatum has the most finely honed sense of humor about his image and is playing all of us for fools. And I kind of love the big lug for it.
So I just had minor surgery and am waiting in the recovery wing to be picked up. I’m alternately LMFAO at this post and coughing because of the way they do the anesthesia. So, basically sounding like a crazy person right now. But it’s worth it. 🙂
Laughter is the best medicine etc unless it pulls your stitches in which case, eep. Heal quickly!!
Yesterday I was reading The Toast on my phone while getting my legs waxed, and I burst into laughter just as the beautician ripped a strip of wax off a sensitive area. Now I’m slightly worried she thinks I get off on the pain or something.
Reading while getting waxed is such a good idea! How have I not done this?
I feel awkward about it because there’s an expectation that you’ll make small talk with your waxer, and I never want them to think I’m ignoring them or don’t like them or whatever. But a full leg wax takes long enough that there are always lulls in the conversation, so I always end up pulling my phone out.
Yeah, that’s true. My waxes usually only take 15 minutes or so, so I will probably never do this. But sometimes, I just want to get my mind on something else besides the pain that is to come.
My most recent one took an hour, partly because my waxer is relatively new. It hurt less than usual, actually, but that’s still a long time to lie around half naked chatting with a total stranger.
All of these posts about things we believe without any evidence to back them up, from the “if ___ was your significant other” to the fictional discussions of strap-on use, just give me life. It’s all so silly, but it’s also alternately touching and hilarious.
Also, thank you for giving me the mental image of Channing Tatum Sweater Monster. That’s fantastic.
Between that AMA and the OT I’m not getting anything done at work today.
So you’re saying he actually is part dog. Wolf. Whatever.
LIKE A DUCK DOG LMAO
Picturing him with his female trainer…. I’ll say no more.
Channing Tatum was my go-to male human I would claim a crush on as a closeted middle schooler, and I would like to thank him for that
Channing Tatum was my go-to male human I would claim a crush on as a closeted middle schooler, and I would like to thank him for that
TOAST HAS THE BEST TATUM ARTICLES
This was two days ago but I just want to say that I have one of those doofus labs who is always trying to sit on your lap, and this is perfect, Channing Tatum is definitely a lab in human form!
(Y) (y) ☺☺😊
I once had Channing Tatum visit my house to learn guitar from my parent for a movie, before he was particularly famous. I was pretty young back then, but this all seems accurate to my memory of him. I appreciate it.