#1 Mom Pendant, $40.99 (was $114.99) Here’s what I got myself for Mother’s Day. My kid isn’t old enough to buy me anything — although Sonia at daycare made her hand me a cupcake-shaped foil balloon today with the words “Sweet Mom” scrawled across the bottom; the obvious mischaracterization being the main clue that this gift wasn’t selected for me by my daughter. Still made me cry. Look what else I found. Happy Mother’s Day. Moving on!
Superga Sneakers, $49.99 (were $119) These are on sale because they contain secret GLITTER. You have to squint to see it.
Derek Lam Flora Trousers, $118.50 (were $395) Getting way into kind of ugly clothes lately. I figure if I’m going to look like shit all the time anyway, might as well amuse myself, right? But, okay, so you have no sense of humor AND really love flower prints. Here you go:
AX Paries Shirt Dress, $49 (was $83) While your’e at it, belt it:
Belt with Whip Stitch Detail, $14 (was $24) Just a tidge dom.
Foliage Bloom Pillow Cover, $49.99 (was $99) At first, I hated this pillowcase. Now I love it. I’m actually impressed by the power of this pillowcase to change (at least!) one heart and one mind. This pillowcase might as well run for president.
Wood Burning Kit, $19.99 (was $42) Hide your furniture!
Smashbox Pout Collection, $29 (was $45; $85 value) The reviews for this are all like, “This looked like it would suck. I bought it anyway and it’s perfect!” Here’s to risk takers.
A Fork, $860 (was $1,070) A fork.
I would like to be there when the #1Mom and the WhoGivesAShit Mom simultaneously pick up their kids from daycare.
I just want the fic.
I ship it.
In my mind, they are opposite from how someone might actually imagine them. #1 Mom is my mom, who let me and my brother walk home from school by the time we were in 4th grade. WhoGivesAShit Mom is the one who is letting her Volvo rumble and exhaust for half an hour while she waits to pick her kid up at the curb.
Obviously, I am biased. Towards my mom. Who fuckin’ rocks. (And who would now probably get arrested for neglect when her 9 year old child was found walking alone half a mile from her house…sigh.)
Smashbox is my gd weakness so I am all up in that kit. Curse you and your face primer that feels like a baby cloud for making me love you!
I’m buying my mom a cherry tree. Actually I’m sending my dad to buy my mom and cherry tree and tell her it is from me because he drives a truck and lives with her, and I drive a corolla and live an hour away.
I tried the link just now and got an error. Did you find the kit for realz?
Edited because Google is my friend. Kit for Realz
That’s where I ended up too but I’m sad it’s not actually on Sephora because wow did I want justification to buy a Shiseido lipstick in “Dragon” for free shipping.
and speaking of Sephora I WANT the Kat Von D Interstellar Eye & Lip Kit, but somehow have not managed to get Rouge despite clearly having a makeup buying problem. (curse that long, long link for making me html)
Sephoooooora! I am recuperating from surgery and spent so long curating the perfect order. Has anyone else tried the Verb hair line? I am currently loving the leave-in and ghost oil, and just ordered the sea spray and hair mask. Also, dinosaur korean lip jelly
I have been searching for years for a mascara I really loved for more than, like, two days, and someone recommended Smashbox and I FINALLY got it and I DO LOVE IT. It actually goes on smoothly and quickly, and yet makes the lashes pop. Every thing else (cheaper) I tried worked well for ONE day, and then every day after that, took I swear 7 coats to give me the Disney Princess lashes I crave and deserve.
I have never found a better liner than the Always Sharp (3D Sparks is perfect for my hazel eyes). I wish it were cheaper–it uses up rather quickly–but then it’s the liner I wear! It lasts all day and is super easy to apply close to the lash line and then add to, if you wish.
That pillowcase is unsettlingly organic. I think it is probably a harbinger of the apocalypse and I cannot look away.
Yes, very MaddAddam trilogy vibe.
I was thinking Southern Reach, but that works too!
My first thought was ‘bleached coral reef’ which is too sad for a throw pillow. But it is beautiful, for someone who has a spill free lifestyle. What must that be like?
I also thought bleached coral reef and the idea of lounging on a coral reef sounds seriously uncomfortable
Like those pulsating chicken masses.
That is the most horrifying pillowcase I have EVER seen. No, no, no. No.
I am firmly against pillows you can’t mush your face into. Even decorative ones. You can find plenty of decorative pillowcases with smooth surfaces that will suffice.
Someone has to take a stand on the important issues.
As an inveterate couch-napper I heartily agree. Assuming you could even get to sleep with your face on that pillow, it would give you the weirdest sleep-wrinkles of all time.
I just realized that it looks like what would happen if you dumped an ordinary pillow into Jeff VanderMeer’s Southern Reach trilogy: http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/books/2014/09/…
It has tumors!!! That said, my cats would probably love it.
My cats would probably EAT it.
Oh yes, there would be gnawing on those wormy things for sure! My Maddie can’t resist a droopy string.
Tumors that look like the slightest touch would pop them, no less.
I can’t decide if it’s fluffy snow, ricotta cheese, or a yeast infection.
I have been feeling mildly nauseated all day, and this presented an enormous challenge.
Ok, those Derek Lam pants are amazing. Still too expensive for me, but what are everyone’s thoughts on large-scale florals for office wear? I’m revamping my professional wardrobe and have been eyeing this, since I have a BR gift card burning a hole in my pocket and they always let you stack sales.
I’m NOT going to talk about that fork.
I am here to STRONGLY support you in this large scale floral in the office adventure.
I love it! I think it would look divine with a pencil skirt and cream shell. I am all about the bold prints on office wear, though, so I am biased.
Yes, a pencil skirt would be good. The blazer itself is a little slouchy, so you’d have to wear something like a pencil skirt or skinny pants with it.
That blazer is AMAZING
That blazer looks like something Mary Berry would wear on GBBO. Which means it’s amazing and you should buy it.
I recently got a midi skirt from BR with that same pattern except on a white background and I love it. I fully support you in this.
Agreed – if only those pants weren’t final sale, too. I wholeheartedly support florals of every scale everywhere. Literally the worst thing that will happen is someone will joke that you look like their grandma’s couch, to which you can hold eye contact and respond “that’s the point.” Or idk, anything else to make them feel like they’ve lost.
Adding another YES vote to that adorable blazer!
The spelling of “Kelsi” is making me irrationally irritated right now.
Especially the way the placement makes it look accidental:
“Oops, I ran into the edge of the box already. Guess I’ll just leave the rest off and squeeze in the only remaining letter I can fit!” –“Kelsi”, probably.
I want the shoes, that belt, *and* the wood burning kit. I almost never covet so many things in one bin. That pillowcase is hideous, though.
whyyyy is that shirt dress $68 CAD??
I want that pillow case. It would fit perfectly into my too witches “No, actually, I am a literal siren” aesthetic.
Yes, because that pillow looks like a biologics assortment that’s turning into a bonafide coral reef. It absolutely belongs in the house of a siren.
I already have a feathery looking pillow case and an over reliance on winged eyeliner.
I was totally thinking mermaid, too. It reminds me of this picture book I had as a kid, where two children dig a hole to the other side of the world, and on their return trip, stay a night at a mermaid’s half-submerged grotto apartment. She definitely had that pillow.
The children’s book sounds like something that I would have loved.
Yes! I need to find this book (or this grotto…)!
Did some googling! It is “The Journey Home” by Allison Lester. I have no idea if it holds up or not, because the last time I read it I was maybe 7, but it really captured my imagination as a wee thing.
And it is $0.01 on Amazon. I’m doing it! I could use a little extra whimsy and charm in my life.
I’d buy those floral pants. I’m in desperate lack of bright floral clothing.
I am nowhere near skinny enough to pull those off, but I would admire the hell out of them on someone else.
“So ugly it’s cute” is one of the maxims about fashion my mom taught me that I know are totally wrong but I wholeheartedly live by anyway.
“If it doesn’t match anything- then it actually matches EVERYTHING” is another one that helps me justify my current Native American print handbag.
“Mommy, Why does that pillow have a fungal disease?”
What is the matter with that fork! Every time I look at it I find myself channeling that mad scientist from the one Sparks Nevada episode:
They are sharp. And multi-tined. You put them inside you–by your softest, most vital tissue. NO THANK YOU TO FORKS. Ever. Take my word for it–no food’s worth it.
“You put them inside you–by your softest […] tissue” made me think of something else entirely.
Same. Some people into some kinky cutlery shit, what do I know. Who am I to judge.
Woah… that is… a lot to process. I’m pretty sure I just developed a fork-phobia.
What’s the matter with that fork? Well, for one thing, it’s a fish fork–part of the enormous pile of hyperspecialized Victorian tableware. I believe the weird tine is to help you genteely remove the bones so you don’t choke to death in your corset.
But all forks are weird! It is weird to put pointy metal in your mouth! Maybe I became over sensitized with all the orthodontic work I had done in middle school. Anyway, the important thing is; all food tastes better when you can eat it with your hands.
[The sneakers link goes to the pants site!]
I want those shoes but the link didn’t work for me. Also my feet are huge, so my odds are not good!
Yep, that’s definitely a fork.
And what a fork it is.
Like, I’m kind of into that pillowcase, but I’m also kind of nauseated by it? In any case, I’m pretty sure it just discovered penicillin.
I linked the pillow to my sister to gauge her reaction, and she sent me the following texts:
“Oh it’s not good”
“Oh oh no”
“No no no”
“No thank you”
“It looks like what you see under a microscope when there’s an outbreak”
“I can see many micro-organisms and I don’t want it”
“Like you left your leftovers in the fridge several months too long”
I would like an entire room upholstered in that pillow case. Ceiling and everything. Or I guess I’d settle for a 70s conversation [orgy] pit.
WOOD BURNING. Oh, those halcyon days of camp.
Also: Why did these sneakers cost 120 $ originally??
Superga is Italian – so maybe import fees? They are what the Italian hipsters wear on the coast in the summer.
I am extremely tempted to buy myself this shirt for Mother’s Day because fuck it why not
Ooh…Mother of Snakes….at the bottom of that page. Yessssss…..
What the fork??!!
(sorry, could not stop myself, sorry)
Hey, fork you too, buddy.
I gotta say, I’m sure tempted by that fork…
Right? I was thinking if I used it at EVERY meal and ate EVERYTHING with it, maybe its cost-per-use would approach rational numbers ahahahahahahahahahah? And then I clicked through and it’s a goddamn SERVING fork, and I can’t see eating my daily vegetables with an 11″ SERVING fork, so…the dream is dead.
I was thinking the very same. In what way can I make this fork pay for itself? How many future forks must I forego? I remember justifying the purchase of a bread machine because I would stop buying bread…but the number of lives I would need to stop buying forks…
But eating ice cream with a serving spoon is a legitimate adult lifechoice, right guys?
DEFINITELY. Serving spoon or soup spoon all the way. Teaspoon, you’ve gotta be kidding me.
We have long handled iced tea spoons, known in Casa Hay as Princess Spoons, for all functions that cannot be performed by serving spoons.
But using teaspoons means it lasts longer!
I don’t need a wood burning kit I don’t need a wood burning kit I don’t need a wood burning kit I don’t need a wood burning kit I don’t need a wood burning kit I don’t need a wood burning kit I don’t need a wood burning kit I don’t nee
If I wasn’t saving money for my 2017 Vegas trip, I would 100% be purchasing that wood burning kit.
Channing’s GentleLadies Club?
Yes you do.
But what would I even do with it? (Burn wooden shit, I guess. Dumb question.)
I am an old so when I was growing up parents thought it was A-OK to let kids play with a wood-buring kit unsupervised. I burned the hella out of my fingers more than once.
That pillow looks very underwater coral-reef-like to me. I love it too. Would be tres chic in a beachy room.
And PS thank you for mentioning the people who tried the pout thing and loved it because my literal thought at seeing it was “that color wouldn’t look good on anyone!”
I believe that pillow to be ultra soft. I do not believe that pillow is scratchy bark and dried lichen.
YASSS to ugly clothes! I spent my allowance at Goodwill yesterday on some paisley leopard fleur-de-lis leggings (yes, all of those in one garment) that are so soft they can only be compared to the whisper of a trusted lover taking your breakfast order, without really waking you. I also bought some high-waisted grannytourist turquoise pants with big red hibiscus all over them. Perfect summer wardrobe is slowly coming together.
“so soft they can only be compared to the whisper of a trusted lover taking your breakfast order, without really waking you”
Thank you. I’ve been needing something lovely and comforting to help me through this day, and this image might be it. Blessings on your future summer wardrobe thrifting.
If Paisley Leopard Fleur-de-Lis Leggings were your boyfriend . . .
Thank you for the best blessing it is possible to receive!
I envy your aesthetic.
Haha, thank you!
“the whisper of a trusted lover taking your breakfast order”
You reminded me of a magical time when there was a Bavarian pastry shop across the street from my apartment, and my then-long-distance boyfriend (when he was in town) would sneak out and buy delicious pastries for me before I woke up. Those were the days…
Magical indeed! This sounds like a lovely classic movie scene.
It really was, except with a leading lady who looks like a scary Gorgon in the mornings.
(Sadly, the pastry shop closed up suddenly and I never found out why! I think health issues or deportation may have been involved. I still miss their pretzel mice).
…were they literal mice, tho?
Just delicious pretzels with little ears and tails! Nom nom
Ok, why is the fork asymmetrical? With that notch in the top of the left-hand tine? It’s too dramatic to be accidental. Is this some arcane rich-people cutlery secret, which is why it’s such a stupidly expensive fork? These are the things I need to know.
I think they’re supposed to be for fish.
Apparently, fish and pastry require similar cutlery.
In Britain, I think they’re A Thing to distinguish yourself from the horrid non-U middle classes who use “fish knives”.
Rich people are terrible.
That belt–I love it but I do not wear dresses. Is there any way that belt could work with a top and pants?
Yes! A long top over jeans or leggings – or a tunic can always be belted! I love that belt too.
Totally. Do you legging? I could see that as a very thing over a black boat-neck tunic-length top and interesting leggings.
That pillowcase makes me uncomfortable. Which is a stupid thing to say, but I am squirming while I look at it. And yes, I keep going back to look at it some more, because my brain is dumb.
All I can picture with that pillow is both my cats inescapably hooked into it, purring like mad.
I picture the same thing, only with my baby. I’m quite sure she would gladly weave herself in it and eat it all. I did name her after a tree, so it’s probably my fault
That fork better be forged in the fires of mount doom.
Man, are those floral pants ugly? I like them unironically 🙁
Those pants remind me of some chairs from a kitchen set my grandmother had in the 70s.
The Superga shoes link leads to the pants. Please fix? Thanks!
That fork had better be the most amazing fork ever to fork.
That pillow is just frost-covered white grapes on a white-chocolate sprinkles background. No need to worry 🙂
I have that belt! Just a warning though – the p/leather isn’t reinforced, so if you spend a lot of time sitting while wearing it (I wore it to class), it can bend outwards on either side of the centre stitching, especially if you’re well-endowed in the chest and hip regions (ie. like me).
Anyway, decorative belts for the win. I feel more dressed wearing a belt.
I like that blazer a lot. I don't think I am a blazer person, I have two in my closet and have only worn them for traffic court and judging a middle school speech tournament, but maybe upon my 30th birthday this summer, I will magically become a blazer person.
I've used pastry forks and they are actually better at cutting than a regular fork. I enjoy eating cake with them. Of course normal forks and spoons are also perfectly fine so you get to choose your own cutlery adventure.
You’d really be forking out some cash for that cutlery, eh.
Related story: I got a set of these forks as a wedding present too. They are real Victorian ones and they came with a note from my cousin explaining that they used to belong to my Oma's big sister (they're both dead now) who was in a clandestine lesbian relationship and had had the forks made so that she and her girlfriend could eat delicious pastries together. I had not been planning on bawling at my wedding but It. Totally. Broke. Me. They are now my most treasured thing and I am planning on testing them out on my anniversary with pastries!
Superga is Italian – so maybe import fees? They are what the Italian hipsters wear on the coast in the summer.
Oh my god I just realized that the Toast closing means no more Bargain Bin. MY LIFE IS OVER WHAT DO I SPEND MY MONEY ON NOW? RENT??
Jane, where are we going to find your articles after The Toast? And why must every good writer be subjected to the chaos of websites ending publication and/or sub-blogs getting shuttered?