Same situation as yesterday! I love you all enormously, please share your links with one another as I work elsewhere.
Open Thread In Lieu Of Link Roundup
Same situation as yesterday! I love you all enormously, please share your links with one another as I work elsewhere.
Hey, Toasties! I’m going to be learning Latin next school year, and I want to start over the summer, but I have no idea how to Latin. I just have a library copy of Wheelock’s and a dream. Help?
It’s 25 years since I last studied any Latin – presume Wheelock’s is a standard textbook these days? It’s not one I recognise. I’d just say start having a read of it and see how you go – it’s probably going to be easier to start off under the guidance of the teacher and then push on once you have the groundings of it.
Wheelock is a great start, with lots of exercises to get you going. The hardest part of initial Latin learning for most English speakers is learning to decline nouns (and just thinking about the roles nouns play in sentences, generally, so that’s worth focusing on to start with.
I did two years of Latin over 15 years ago, and it was a lot like learning any other language, except instead of “Tom and Jane went to school” you get “Polonius and Sybil went to the coliseum and saw some people kill each other. Then they drank wine and also they died.” A lot more hard core lol.
“Brutus and those other guys stabbed Caesar.”
I vividly remember one of my latin readings being about a runaway slave.
“They look for the slave in the house, the vineyards, and the fields, but he is not found. Therefore, Cornelius calls for the dogs. The dogs find the unhappy slave in a tree, and he is beaten and taken to be branded.”
Ecce, Jane!
See the slave. See the slave run. Jane sees the slave run.
Ha, that’s the one that we had!
hee hee I do have a teach-myself-Latin ambition, but mostly I am super-psyched because this exact scene from the book is referenced in The Lake of Dead Languages by Carol Goodman. Veracity!
Check and see if your local public library subscribes to Mango Languages! It’s a language learning database that is similar to Rosetta Stone, and Latin is one of the languages offered 🙂
I did this exact thing! Wheelock’s is enormously helpful if you’re doing basic grammar stuff. If you want to work on translation and haven’t touched Latin before, I used these bonkers books called Ecce Romani, which tells the story of a charming family called the Cornelii who make their way from the country to Rome. It’s fantastic. They get stuck in a ditch for like four chapters. Cornelia has a gal pal named Flavia who, when the family leaves, drags Cornelia into the field so they can say goodbye alone. If you can find those, I highly recommend it; they’re legitimately helpful in working through translation and using words in context, and they get more difficult as it goes on so you’re constantly learning new things and building your skills. If you can find a partner who is working on Latin as well, that’s also helpful. (If you want to work with me, let me know! I shoved a lot of Latin in my face during senior year of college after not taking it for ten years, so I did a lot of learning on my own and need to work on it again for grad school.)
In conclusion, Cornelia et Flavia sub arbore sedent forever in my heart, Latin is great.
Yes! I used Ecce Romani, too. My boys Marcus and Sextus, always causin’ trouble.
Marcus! Sextus, puer molestus! I still have bits of those books memorized, they were so great for learning the basics of the language.
Puella sub arborem sedet!
Ahahahaha, I just mentioned them getting stuck in a ditch upthread!
That is the main point of that book, right? I also remember a chapter where, due to me not paying enough attention, convinced me that everyone had died and was really confused why the book kept going. (It was a dream, but I didn’t understand the Latin well enough.)
I remember them being in a shady inn for a while, and then Uncle Titus (and his pink shoes) gets murdered.
And rocked those pink shoes at his funeral!
Femslash Friday: Flavia and Cornelia?
…well, i think it’s time for me to write a pitch email..
Goofus & Gallant. Not even kidding.
You can certainly teach yourself using Wheelock, but you must be diligent about memorizing the paradigms and vocabulary in each chapter. This involves drilling yourself on declensions, conjugations, etc. I believe there is an answer key to the sentences available online. Also, expect this to take some time – I tell my students to expect 1-3 hours of homework every night.
Yes, this! When I was learning Latin, it was 3 hours of study for an hour of classtime. It paid off, I did very well. How is your English grammar? I thought mine was good until I took Latin, and then I learned _a lot_, so a copy of English grammar for students of Latin might be helpful.
The books my prof used were these: http://www.cambridge.org/ca/academic/subjects/cla… (there is an accompanying readings book as well), they were great. Good luck!
I’ve never learned Latin, and have no real advice, but I thought this five books interview a few months ago was fascinating.
Wheelock’s is great- it’s what I used in school! Here’s my tip, though: learn about how languages work. When I took Latin, I learned English as well, though I grew up speaking English and was pretty booky, because hahaha why would we learn grammar in public school? It was hard hard to learn, say, the dative, when I was iffy about how prepositions really worked in English, or what indirect objects were. YMMV, of course, perhaps you are already super great at verbs and stuff.
Are you going to try to learn enough to skip a semester or two, or do you just want to get some familiarity with some Latin before you start in a beginners class?
If the former — it depends on how much experience you have with learning languages and assimilating grammatical concepts: if you’ve studied Spanish, you’ll be in a good place for picking up verb forms and syntax; if you’ve studied German (or Russian), you probably won’t have a problem with nouns. Teaching yourself enough Latin to go into 201 is doable in theory — you basically need to get through the entirety of a standard textbook (Wheelock will work; I personally like Keller and Russell the best, and Moreland and Fleischer second-best).
If the former, I would say that the main things to do are a) get used to the grammatical concepts involved, above all the different noun cases. At the beginning, learning Latin often involves getting hit with a thousand (English) technical terms for different features of syntax and morphology and even phonology. If you already have some idea of what a “genitive” or an “apodosis” is it will really help! b) Start to get a handle on noun and verb morphology: memorize and practice the paradigms and the principal parts. Syntax (e.g. why the hell is this noun in the dative?) is often harder to learn on your own because if the book doesn’t explain it in a way that makes sense, you can be out of luck. So I wouldn’t worry so much about that — you can get it when you take the class for real. But learning the endings is something that you can memorize. And having seen it once before will definitely help. (I tried to teach myself Latin with wheelock in middle school and only got about 2 chapters in before giving up. When I finally took it in college, though, even that distant exposure helped quite a bit!)
The course I’m doing next semester is an intensive intro, basically the first year crammed into one semester, and I’m trying to build a foundation before getting an hour of conjugations and declensions lobbed at me every day. (It’s a 5-hour class and I’m more than a little worried.)
One strategy would be to find out what book they are using and work through that! That way you will also be prepared for the method that the class will be using and will have had some practice working out how you do best learning from it.
here to say keller and russell would be great to teach oneself from — i used it a few years ago in a latin reading summer course, and it’s very clear and easy to follow, i could imagine learning entirely from it (but i wanted someone else to corroborate before i blithely recommended the only latin textbook i’ve used, haha)
Yeah I also learned on Keller and Russel and loved it. I know some people who complain that it has too much going on, and uses too many different fonts. But the way they presented things made a lot of sense to me, I kind of liked the periodic CAPSLOCK warnings telling me “this is important! Memorize it now!”
We used the Oxford Latin Course books when I took Latin and they were pretty good. They have a combination of actual text translations and little made-up stories about kid-Horace and his family. I also recommend getting yourself a children’s book that’s been translated into Latin to kinda challenge yourself on the side: The Little Prince, Winnie the Pooh, or Harry Potter.
Seconding the Oxford Latin!
More about motivation than technique, but the Harry Potter books have been translated into Latin– useful for practice, maybe?
Ecce Romani is goofy but is an easy place to start, because it preserves basic English syntax- the words will be in an order that intuitively makes sense to you, rather than scattered all throughout the paragraph willy-nilly. I’d agree with the other commenters that getting familiar with some basic nouns and declining them would be helpful!
I used Wheelock when I learned Latin in college, and now I work with Latin sources in my research, so … count me as another satisfied customer? The Bantam New College Latin/English dictionary is a good starter dictionary (and cheap). Wiktionary can also be a surprisingly great resource if you get stuck on a word; it’ll give you the most common translations/uses of the word, as well as the full declension (for nouns) or conjugation (for verbs) — this can be helpful because it helps you think through the different possibilities for how a word is working in a sentence.
Another thing that was helpful for me was to make running lists of the prepositions that take certain cases (so, a list of all the prepositions that take the accusative, all the ones that take the ablative, etc.) as I encountered them in each chapter. Actually making physical lists of those kinds of things (separate from a regular vocab list for each chapter) made it a lot easier to commit them to memory.
Try the Cambridge Latin Course on for size! You can find lots of exercises and vocal tests and such like here: http://www.cambridgescp.com/Upage.php?p=clc^oa_in…
The great thing about Latin is that it generally adheres to strict rules so you aren’t having to learn about exceptions all the time (unlike Ancient Greek ugh). Have fun with it and keep practising! I would second everyone who’s said that declining nouns is a hard thing to get your head around initially, but once you’ve got that sorted you start to realise how ill-equipped English is without them.
Wheelock is great. Don’t trust people who send you into Ecce Romani hell!!!!!
If this is your first foray into Latin, I would say work on nailing down your declensions first and foremost. If you’ve already had a jump on memorizing those basic things, then everything else will come together as you move through class.
Also, make sure if you’re learning vocab, you’re also learning each noun’s gender. I was a lazy Latin student and never bothered and it screwed me.
I’m stuck in this endless cycle of throwing my resume into an electronic application black hole and hoping that someone will fish it out and decide that I am Worthy Of Employment and overall it sucks, but one of the more fun parts is imagining what it would be like to live in the places where these positions are based (I’m planning on relocating). Tell me, friends, if you had the chance to pack up and move where would you put your life?
In a Nancy Meyers movie.
I want those kitchens so badly. There’s such good light! And the shelving! The island!
Reykjavik.
Yes definitely Reykjavik! Or honestly, if I could afford it, San Francisco.
I love SF to visit but I think America is too insane for me to want to move there.
Yeah I can’t honestly recommend America to anyone right now. Maybe in 20 years things will be better!
Reykjavik was at the top of my list until I learned that there are NO DOGS ALLOWED! So Akyureyri looks much nicer instead.
Like, no dogs at all? Or just no foreign dogs? Because an entire city with no dogs seems like a bleak place…
I went to confirm the no dogs allowed piece so I could reply intelligently, and apparently that ban was lifted 10 years ago! Reykjavik goes back to the top of the list!
I was just going to say I definitely saw some dogs when I was there in March! Because it’s such an isolated place they don’t do vaccinations because there’s nothing endemic (for horses, anyway) so they are very strict on what can come in livestock-wise. If you have an Icelandic horse there and it leaves the country it can’t come back.
Sometimes I just want a tent or a shack on the beach in Hawaii. I don’t need much, just the ocean and some slight cover.
Also my dream
I want to say Italy, but as much as I love it, I could not live there indefinitely. Too Catholic.
But living in a West Coast city might be fun–San Francisco or Seattle, perhaps. Definitely somewhere that’s at least as liberal as NY.
I’ve always wanted to live in Chicago, but now that I’ve lived close to the ocean for several years, I don’t think I could live in the middle of the landmass again. So I’d say, somewhere close to the ocean.
But Chicago has Lake Michigan!! It’s not the ocean, but it’s so lovely to at least have the opportunity to take to the sea/large body of water.
I second this: you can’t see across Lake Michigan from street level, there are tides, and people windsurf and such. Plus if you’re an East Coaster, the water is in the right place for navigational purposes.
The Burgomaster and I want to build a writing workshop retreat center in Colorado. We could both escape academia, he could write and teach SF writing (he has a better student publishing record than Clarion–man needs to capitalize on that shit) and I’d help run the administrative stuff and teach yoga. Sounds nice, eh?
On the Frio River in Central/West Texas. It is ~75F all year long. We take a family trip there every year and it is great.
One of the places the job I am talking about downthread could relocate me to is Dublin. I used to live there and it would be one of my top choices if I had to relocate but although I have friends there and I love the city I just don’t think it beats London for me, at the moment.
I would also choose to relocate somewhere that gave me the chance to learn another language – Berlin or somewhere in Italy, or Barcelona.
Right now in my life Dublin just feels like a mini London, so why would i bother living in Dublin when I can live in London, yano? there’s better jobs, more money and at least there’s genuinely ‘hip’ places instead of tragically hip, overpriced, places trying to pretend they’re in London.
Dublin feels claustrophobic to be and yet empty at the same time.
YES this exactly, every time I go back to Dublin I feel super claustrophobic. All my friends there are like ‘oh it’s so great the way everyone here knows each other!’ and I’m like what is this nightmare take me back to the freedom of London anonymity.
Uggghhh. The paranoia I have walking around Dublin just waiting to see someone I recognize (Thankfully I seem to be un-recognizable so they rarely talk to me.). Its just too much, I love anonymity of London, even if I do recognize someone or they see me, they don’t give a fuck, they just want to get on with whatever they’re doing. The flip side of that is that London is a lonley AF city unless you really work at it, which I don’t.
It took me a good while to shake the feeling of recognizing people, or expecting to recognize people, walking around the streets when I first moved to the UK. But now that its gone, I forget completely when I go home and its hella awkward.
Was home recently and went for dinner, the waitress was a girl I went to school with who bullied me mercilessly, but has gone to the hippy side and everyone loves her now. I’m still holding that grudge tho, and she’s a terrible waitress.
Another time, I was driving to the airport with my mother to come back to London and pulled up to the lights and in the car next to me was a guy I had a filthy teenaged affair with. We exchanged nods and knowing glances and my mother asked who it was. SO AWKWARD.
I used to tease my ex because everywhere we went he’d point at some girl and be like ‘oh, I used to go to school with her’ and being from the UK I’d find this knowing everyone around town really weird – I mean there are 60 million of us!
And then the week before I skipped town to move to London I was walking down South William St with my parents and we bumped into him with his new girlfriend and I was like YUP, leaving is a GOOD DECISION.
I love love love walking around London in a terrible mood and looking like shit and seeing all these other people swarming around me and thinking ‘these people have no idea about how I’ve done something to embarrass myself or that I’m a shitty person or that I’m hungover and I will never see them again’. SO freeing.
People have no idea. We joke that everyone in Ireland knows eachother, but tbh you definitely know of everyone in your age group in your city. There’s only like 10 big schools in Dublin, we all partied together at some point.
Italy! Preferably Tuscany, so I get a nice balance of country and city.
More realistically, a small college town. I want to be able to walk to coffee shops and to work, but still have to drive to the grocery store.
I would move to Scotland in a heartbeat, but keep a home in northern Michigan or Maine because I am too indecisive to decide on just one place.
I just did that (London) and that’s why I’m currently in the Everyone-Hates-You-and-Thinks-Your-CV-Is-Garbage-Which-Is-Exactly-Where-They-Put-It funhouse.
Considering moving to a secluded forest and living in an old, hollow tree and foraging apples and berries and mushrooms, and only talking to crows.
This is the too witches lifestyle.
Chicago. A one-bedroom condo in Andersonville with a cute girlfriend, a big kitchen, and a rescue pit bull we co-parent. I’m doing Something Important In The Legal Field but magically have enough free time to bake every day. The employees at Women & Children First know me by name.
NOLA
I lived there for a few years about 10 years ago and I have been dreaming of getting back ever since
I’m about to LIVE THE DREAM and pack up and move to Romania! I’m super excited, even though I didn’t necessarily get to choose this place.
If I got to choose, I’d like to live in Thailand for a while, I think. I’ve never been to mainland Asia, and there’s so much I want to see.
Somewhere sunny and warm but there is also a city but that city isn’t terrible. My husband used to live in San Diego and thinks that it might fit that bill, but I’m still not sure. Any Toasties have compare & contrast experiences with it?
The only other city I’ve lived in is Los Angeles, but I love living in San Diego! It would really disappoint me to have to move away.
Late to the party BUT I did want to chime in and say I moved to San Diego for grad school last year and quickly realized that I MUCH preferred NYC. That’s probably just a personal preference, but I’m finding San DIego very WASP-y and bro-y, with the major military presence. There isnt much of a sense of community, outside my school for me. The weather is lovely, though.
Thanks for the reply! That’s a little like what I’m worried about. I don’t think I could ever do NYC, it’s too much city for me. But after my time in DC, even my childhood Portland feels a little weirdly sterile in its monoculture (albeit with a culture that more closely matches up with my identities.)
Have you had any luck searching out subcultures? (I dunno if that’s even a thing when already caught up in grad school.) I run with a fairly organized and intentional group of sex-positive queer feminist kinky nerds here, and I’m extroverted enough to feel confident I could build new relationships in those sorts of circles fairly quickly. But I also know how alienating it can be to find one or two parts of that without the rest; I have nearly no capacity left for bro-dominated kink spaces, for example.
My dream place to live changes every day. I want to live everywhere at least once! I think eventually I’d like to buy a farm in central Europe since land is cheaper and its better connected, or the north of England. If I had lots of money I’d consider going back to Ireland, but land is so expensive there and if your more than an hour from Dublin you have to have a way of earning money that’s either agriculture or tourism.
Right now I want to live in the middle of nowwhere Africa, I’m a bit over cities after 2 years in London and a I need a break somewhere peaceful and quiet. Then maybe a European capital (Brussells maybe, or Berlin), or Canada. If I could swing it I’d love to live in Hong Kong for awhile.
I hope you get something soon! Is there any recruiters in your industry? I find it so much better to go through them than the endless online applications that go no where, at least with recruiters you’re talking to real person who’s talking to a real person on your behalf. I don’t know if its more successful, but its definitely less stressful.
I actually really love where I live right now — Louisville, Ky. My boyfriend’s brother just got a job here and is about to move here. Low cost of living, pretty good job market, lots of vibrant independent business, good culture scene.
Yeah, it’s Kentucky, and our governor is The Worst, but I love this lil town.
North Carolinian here, just chiming in to say I also have to add the caveat “our governor is The Worst” when talking about my state.
No idea. I’ve been throwing my resume into the electronic application black hole for so long that I don’t have any dreams or desires left beyond “earn a paycheck some day” and “not die alone.”
Hi are you secretly me
I actually live in my dream city, Portland. I half grew up here though because I have family here and we visited frequently as a kid. When I’ve lived in other places I always missed this town.
Housing prices are skyrocketing here and stuff is rapidly gentrifying/getting trendy and pretentious. I don’t know how long that will last. However, I’ve found it much easier to get jobs here than in other parts of the country (my current problem is getting the jobs I *want*) and everything is green and beautiful. I live in walking distance of two nice parks and bus/bike distance of many gorgeous ones, and when I had a car I’d often impulsively drive to the Gorge or the coast for a hike.
I packed up and moved to my dream city and am very happy with my decision.
The only things that will get me to move is either an opportunity in Berlin or Istanbul.
I pack up and move all the time! Places I have loved living: New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco. Places I have hated living: Pretty much anywhere in Europe. Places I still dream of living: Waimanalo, Hawaii
The Hebrides.
Vancouver, to be near my partner’s parents when we have kids (maybe next year?) but also not Vancouver, because then we’ll never be able to afford a home
New Orleans or Seattle. There’s a more-than-zero chance that I’ll actually try to relocate to New Orleans someday, but first I have to figure out what I’d do there. Seattle is amazing but I think I’d hate living in the Pacific time zone, so maybe I’ll stick to visiting.
OR if I’m really getting aspirational, maybe Playa del Carmen or somewhere else beach-y in Mexico, where I can open a hipster coffee shop for all the tourists and have a million cats living in my courtyard.
I actually really like the city where I currently live, but I’d like to be able to relocate to a slightly larger house with a perfect layout and a soaking tub in the master bathroom that I can still afford the mortgage payments on.
Iceland. Mostly because wherever I recently went for a trip lives on in my heart as some kind of untarnished perfection.
But also because it was stunningly peaceful, and still small enough to feel cozy. Plenty to go and do, but also plenty of space to enjoy the stillness. I’ve never seen a sky so blue, and the mountains felt other worldly. I also really liked what I could feel of the culture. People are kind, but also generally introverted. But – that also means that there are built in ways and places for socialization – like the pools or choirs. I also loved the pools more than just about anything.
The one downside is no trees. That could be tough.
No trees is an enormous selling point for us right now (allergic to pollen in a place that just shattered the world record for pollen count). There is the small forest of Thorsmork there though, if you needed woodsy wanders!
I don’t know anyone who’s been to Iceland who doesn’t feel that way about it!
at this point I’ll take anywhere that’s not DC where the whole town doesn’t shut down at 10
Wait why does that happen? DC is on my shortlist of cities since I’m looking to make a move soon,but I hadn’t heard that before!
Edinburgh! I was there for the first time last month and it just seemed like the perfect city.
Thank you for this thread! I’m currently unemployed (recovering from carpal tunnel, endlessly) AND going through a breakup, so I too spend my time fantasizing about a new city. But there are so many cities! How can one person decide which one to move to? Alone?? So reading this was soothing to me.
LONDON, in a heartbeat. Or Edinburgh.
Anyone want to yell about The Flash finale last night?
There were a few shouts of OMG, but the mask reveal of course was tops!
YES! Grant Gustin really knocked it out of the park, acting-wise.
But I am firmly anti-Barry/Iris. So weird.
I am becoming firmly anti-romance in any show with a Scooby gang. I am deathly tired of plots getting mired in the Swamp of Will-They-Won’t-They and I usually end up actively hoping that one or both of them die or are otherwise written off the show. Can we not just catch monsters and develop inside jokes together?
Yeah I really wish they would quit that. They have a good friend chemistry but NOT a good romance chemistry.
AAAAAGH I HAVE NOT WATCHED YET
I was more or less prepared for Feelings, but not for that cliffhanger aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
(I’m against season-ending cliffhangers as a rule, and I’m also against Flagrantly Irresponsible Time Travel and Manpain With Excessive Consequences… yet somehow I still enjoy this show!)
I’m against Flagrantly Irresponsible Time Travel as a rule, but that has somehow not hindered my enjoyment of Doctor Who.
I hate the laziness of resetting the timeline every season. I mean, when Fringe did it, it was cool and well done, but here it just feels like a way to drag out the Will They/Won’t They for another season.
I loved the episode other than that, though. Wally and Barry feels, Joe’s eulogy, Caitlin being super brave… all of it.
I’ve been cherishing a fantasy of Caitlin getting her Killer Frost powers and giving Jay the freezing kiss of death in this finale. . . . Ah well. What she did was hella brave anyway, and I love that they found a way to make her as safe as possible while she did it.
Barry is a goob. That was pretty much my takeaway. I had all those good feels after they finally managed to kiss and commit to each other (ish) after two years of pining on both sides and then? He does that???? GOOB.
You just don’t want me to get any work done at all this week, do you Mallory?
I am really going to miss your gif game, CleverManka
[magnetoperfection.gif]
I think she is trying to make it clear that she never loved us and no longer has to even pretend to care.
From the Toastie Slack, my favourite r/relationships problem title of the day/year: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4…
‘How do I tell my mother that I do not want to be a witch?’
#notenoughwitches
came here to say this
oh no a bad witch
I haven’t even started reading beyond the subject line and it’s amazing.
this is too witches.
This mom is LITERALLY too witches.
How would one find this Toastie Slack?
If you send an email to ppyajunebug (at) gmail, she will send you an invite to the Slack! Then you can sign up via the link and have access!
Bless you. Sent a request 🙂
“She would be insulted if I said I didn’t care about how Mars going retrograde will likely result in more catastrophe for me.”
I want to give this sentence a HUG.
Loved that one, and loved the dick pic guy, too! Yesterday was an r/relationships goldmine tbh
I read this, and then I read another, and then another, and some of these situations are terrible but this adorable update will warm your hearts: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4…
” (Plot twist: it turns out I don’t have any problem with Alex kissing guys if it’s me he’s kissing.)”
This is the end of every “college roommates modern setting AU” fanfic ever. Also: walnuttery! Oblivious walnut! I want to hug him.
Ugh yes I read this and was just thinking I need to write a fanfic based on it
I mean, I’m pretty sure that fanfic already exists. Pick a fandom, and this fic probably exists for at least one pairing in it.
Or just read every work ever written in the BBC Sherlock fandom.
I sort of feel like this is almost too fanficcy to be true?
God I hope it’s real. I smiled so hard that tears came to my eyes.
That obvious walnut.
I Want to Believe.
I know! Awwwwww. . .
Someone called in a bomb threat to the high school where my husband teaches. This is the seventh threat to a school in the area this month. They evacuated, everyone is okay, husband sounded totally nonchalant on the phone, like this is just how we live now.
“like this is just how we live now”
THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. I’m so sorry, how terrifying.
That’s horrifying! Do they have any idea who’s doing it?
AAAAAGH. That is all.
This happened to some elementary schools in my area, but they were, like, automated calls sent out to random schools in all sorts of places at the same time??? Basically some kind of 4chan-ish bullshit? I don’t know, but it sucks.
Has happened here too to several schools *grrr*
🙁
That’s so many threats. Whether or not they’re legitimate, that’s such a huge disruption to the students and to the teachers. And if they are legitimate, that is terrifying. I hope you all stay safe, but also that things return to a less batshit normalcy soon.
Oh gosh, my senior year of high school (12 years ago), we had, I think, nearly 30 (false) bomb threats? Set a new record. By the last one, they had actually abandoned the original protocol (everyone goes to the “lower parking lot” for like 3 hours), and we would just stand about 15 feet from the building for about 20 minutes and then go back inside.
We got a resident bomb-sniffing dog out of it at least, though.
Additional fun details:
I do not remember feeling remotely threatened or afraid, even the first time it happened. So take THAT, I guess? The only direct negative impact it had on my life was that I lost my favorite pencil during one of the evacuations.
Since most of the threats came in the form of threats written inside bathroom stalls, bathroom monitors were stationed in the bathrooms at all times and would check inside the stalls after each use.
One time someone wrote “There is a broom in the school,” and we still had to evacuate.
The underclassmen ended up all having an extra week or two of school in the summer to make up for time off. Seniors didn’t because they didn’t want to move graduation.
TEENAGERS. UGH.
I’m sorry, but “There is a broom in the school” made me laugh way too hard.
We had something similar at my school during my senior year. Not quite as many, but almost all of them were written in the bathrooms. Kinda hard to take them seriously when they’re obviously relying on someone finding them before 3rd period algebra. The administration took to making guilt tripping announcements afterwards about how the firefighters and police checking the school were being taken away from REAL problems.
I’ve since been evacuated during a very real bomb threat and that was much more unnerving in its routineness.
i don’t think threatening was ever really the point at my school so much as making the teachers shut the class down cause Procedure
We had something similar when I was in high school (about the same amount of time ago, hmm…) and it was all during Homecoming week. After the third one we were all more annoyed than anything else, and our marching band missed an entire week of rehearsal before a big competition. It was really a weird week.
I don’t remember them being concentrated around Homecoming, nor any impact on marching band (not that I was the most serious of band members…I was more serious about, uh, flirting with the drum line). But if you went to HS in northwestern PA, maybe it was the same one!
I went to HS in northwestern VA, does that count? It must have just been a “good” time for threatening high schools. :-/
I work in a College, and I’m on our Safety Committee and we talk about it EVERY meeting and it’s so… stressful? Like it’s so weird and awful how we talk about it like it’s so normal, but yet we really do have to talk about it.
Although last meeting we got down the rabbit hole of ideas like buying extra door stoppers to wedge behind doors so if anyone attacks the college, people can hide in their offices and they won’t be able to push-in the doors, etc etc and it got so detailed that I had to stop everyone like ‘okay this is getting a bit too intense let’s talk about something else for a bit’.
have you had to go through active shooter training? We did that earlier this year and WOW. That was intense.
Yep. We actually had to fight to have it, for years. About a year ago we finally got them to agree to do an online training but the Safety Committee pushed and pushed this year and got them to have a live one where cops from the other college near us (we’re a small college next door to a BIG one) came and did a whole presentation and such. It was very intense, though important I think. (Although afterwards everyone kept having discussions about what we’d do in our office, which was important but kept hitting the ‘okay time for a break on this’ limit.)
We do an active shooter drill at my workplace every other year – but I work at a large-for-the-region tourist destination. It’s very intense and the thought of having to do a full-scale evacuation for a shooter gives me the willies – it’s hard enough when there’s a severe weather issue.
The active shooter training video that we had to watch at my university gave me nightmares.
I’m a high school teacher and honestly, this kind of is just how we live now. It’s awful.
I’m really sorry. What a sad new reality to deal with.
That sounds terrible, and I’m so sorry. This culture of fear we’ve created for ourselves is not good.
Oh man. I remember when I was in middle/high school, there were bomb threats pretty much every week at one school or another in the district. It got to the point where the students and teachers just expected it. During threats to the HS, they would walk across to the middle school football field, and vice-versa. It basically just became an occasional and unpredictable recess for the kids like once a week. It was totally bizarre.
That used to happen to my brother’s high school all the time. Basically, there were a lot of cool shops within walking distance of the school, sometimes the weather is nice, and teenagers are smart. I hope that is the case in your school district
When I was in elementary school we had one year where for about a month we would get 2-3 bomb threats a week. It turned out to be highschoolers trying to get out of their exams, but since the calls that they made never got specific about schools every school in the district had to evacuate whenever there was a call. We all knew that the threats were fake, but we had to follow protocol so a lot of students started bringing things outside to keep busy and the teachers started figuring out ways to keep us thinking about what we were learning until we could go back inside again.
Update on yesterday’s job quandary: I got the offer, it is hilariously not much more money than I told them I am currently earning (which was… an embellishment of the truth, but everyone does that, don’t they) so it’s a bit of a token gesture. There are other pros to new job besides money but I still don’t think I want it BUT just as I was reading the formal offer letter I got contacted by another company about a great-sounding role and they’re ringing me for an informal chat this afternoon. BUT I am feeling pretty good and fulfilled in my current job this week. I know this is a bit ‘my diamond shoes are too tight’ but I don’t know what to do. Halp, I have not had to do much job negotiating and decision making in my life before and I am Not Good at it.
This will not address your current problem, but once, in an interview, I inadvertently overestimated my salary by $10,000 and it worked out well for me! I got that 10K raise. I am bad at impromptu math.
Wait, is it bad to ask for way more than your current pay? I am *severely* underpaid at my current job (long-standing spending freeze, very small company, etc), and looking for a new job. I had an initial phone interview the other day and they asked what range I am looking for (it seems like everyone does this these days so there’s very little chance of skirting the salary issue) and the low end of the range I said is like 40% more than my current pay. But it would be a) a slight step up in title from my current job and b) is still slightly under average for that role nationwide (and quite a bit less than average for my city). We didn’t discuss my current salary. Did I make a huge error? I have apparently moved on to the next stage, which is an online assessment, so I guess the salary range didn’t scare them away.
That’s great! Talk about your tight diamond shoes all you like! Gods know we need to celebrate the victories we get!
I am not good at this either! I got contacted by a recruiter on LinkedIn a while ago, and while I don’t have plans to leave my current position, I didn’t think it would hurt to talk to this guy. It turned out I didn’t have the specific experience the recruiter was looking for (which my page did not say I had–who’d have thunk it?). And I probably should have embellished about what I do currently, but I couldn’t. He’d ask questions and I was completely honest.
But you sound like you’re in a pretty strong position to negotiate–people want you! You are in demand, baby! I think you could definitely cite the first job offer during your phone chat later if you want to be super businessy and see what this second company has to offer you. I don’t think there’s really a wrong decision to make in this case.
Do it! Negotiate like a boss. You are worth more and multiple people seem to see it, so jump on it. I failed miserably in my first attempt in negotiation and summoned the courage to do so this year with great result. DOOOO ITT.
YES! They always start by low balling. I like to talk in percentages, e.g., whilst my current base salary is $X, I’m looking for a 10% raise given the [extra responsibilities] in this new role.
Also also if they do pension matching (401K in the US I think?) do add that on. Same with bonuses, as in this imaginary example:
I’m currently on $50K
I get a 10% bonus (NB this is about your bonus *scheme* and what you could get, not what you got last year) which takes me to $55K
My employer matches 401K contributions up to 5% so this takes us to $57.5K
I’m looking for 10% over my current package, so we’re talking about $63K-$65K total comp to move from my current place, where I am am building a meaningful career.
You won’t get all of that in salary but I nigh on guarantee you’ll get an offer you like more than the current one.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes!
This is… a lot of maths but thankfully we don’t get a huge amount of pension and no bonus in my current role which makes it easier. I am not all about the money though and I think current place will do their best to match new place, I am more nervous about negotiating the role and responsibilities I want (more seniority, dumping some accounts I hate working on (or if I’m honest, the people I’m working with).
I’m sure you know best for your industry / current job. But in my experience, using a job offer from another employer to get your current employer to keep you at better pay is a mistake. You get what you want, initially. But it tells the current employer that you are the first person they want to lay off or replace. You’ve told them yourself that you’re looking for another job. They have no reason to believe you will stay.
And I will echo everyone else here: negotiate with potential new employers! Every time! You can do it. You’ll be great.
I second this! I started a new job about a month ago and I successfully negotiated the salary up to slightly more than the range specified in the job posting, based on my salary history and also the fact that I didn’t need their health insurance. It’s still a tiny bit of a pay cut, but also more flexibility and less stress. Negotiate away!
not *YET good at it
Today in (Feminist) History! [Archive}
On this day in 1925 was the birth of Rosario Castellanos, a Mexican poet and author, who was considered one of the most important literary Mexican voices in the last century. Her work, which went on to influence cultural studies and feminist theory, featured writing about themes of cultural and gender oppression. It could be said that her beliefs began at a young age, both in the attention she paid to the plight of the indigenous Maya people who worked for her family, and also in the way her family treated her as compared to her brother. Once, when a soothsayer foretold that one of her mother’s children would die, Rosario stated that her mother exclaimed, “Not the boy!”
At the age of only 16, just a year after her parents lost their land (to land reform and a peasant emancipation policy) and moved to Mexico City, both of Rosario’s parents died and she was left on her own. Joining a group of Mexican and Central American intellectuals, she began to read extensively, and started to write as well. She attended the National Autonomous University of Mexico (UNAM) and studied literature and philosophy (she would later teach there) and also joined the National Indigenous Institute, where she wrote scripts for puppet shows that were performed in impoverished regions in Mexico, in an attempt to promote literacy. She was also appointed ambassador to Israel in 1971, in recognition for her literary achievements.
In her literary career, Rosario wrote three novels, one major play, essays, and numerous poetry. She is known for taking a good deal of care in writing of indigenous people, writing about them and their plights with understanding and concern, despite not being indigenous herself. Her poem, “Valium 10” is considered a great feminist poem on the level of Sylvia Plath’s “Daddy”. The poem– perhaps made even more understandable today by changing the title to “Prozac” or “Zoloft”– is about women who are frustrated and anxious, trapped in the roles they are forced to play. Here is an image of the full translated poem (source, but you have to scroll a bit), and here is an excerpt:
And in the dark, at the beginning of your sleep,
You realize what has been lost:
the most expensive diamond,
the navigating map, the book
with one hundred basic questions (and its respective
answers) for at least a basic, simple, elemental
dialogue with the Sphinx.
and you have the painful sensation
that in the crossword puzzle
an error slipped,
that made it impossible to solve.
Valium 10! I adore that poem; we studied it in school and it stuck with me even after most of the rest of the works we read slipped away into the mulch of half-remembered things.
A veces (y no trates
de restarle importancia
diciendo que no ocurre con frecuencia
se te quiebra la vara con que mides
se te extravía la brújula
y ya no entiendes nada
El día se convierte en una sucesión
de hechos incoherentes, de funciones
que vas desempeñando por inercia y por hábito.
Y lo vives. Y dictas el oficio
a quienes corresponde. Y das la clase
lo mismo a los alumnos inscritos que al oyente.
Y en la noche redactas el texto que la imprenta
devorará mañana.
Y vigilas (oh, sólo por encima)
la marcha de la casa, la perfecta
coordinación de múltiples programas
—porque el hijo mayor ya viste de etiqueta
para ir de chambelán a un baile de quince años
y el menor quiere ser futbolista y el de en medio
tiene un póster del Che junto a su tocadiscos—.
Y repasas las cuentas del gasto y reflexionas,
junto a la cocinera, sobre el costo
de la vida y el ars magna combinatoria
del que surge el menú posible y cotidiano.
Y aún tienes voluntad para desmaquillarte
y ponerte la crema nutritiva y aún leer
algunas líneas antes de consumir la lámpara.
Y ya en la oscuridad, en el umbral del sueño,
echas de menos lo que se ha perdido:
el diamante de más precio, la carta
de marear, el libro
con cien preguntas básicas (y sus correspondientes respuestas) para un diálogo
elemental siquiera con la Esfinge.
Y tienes la penosa sensación
de que en el crucigrama se deslizó una errata
Que lo hace irresoluble.
Y deletreas el nombre del Caos. Y no puedes
dormir si no destapas
el frasco de pastillas y si no tragas una
en la que se condensa,
químicamente pura, la ordenación del mundo.
and you have the painful sensation
that in the crossword puzzle
an error slipped,
that made it impossible to solve.
SAME. I read that bit and was like oh… it me.
When I had just started grad school, I had a long stretch of insomnia wherein an insistent dude showed up in my head and told me I was not allowed to fall asleep until I solved the puzzle he was giving me. But the clues wouldn’t stay still, and the grid kept shifting.
This is the first time I’ve seen an image in a poem that gets at the sense of exhaustion and despair I felt then.
Still no news on a job 🙁
In other news I’m keeping myself busy by buying motorbike gear I can’t afford so I can go out pillion with a biker group I found who are all seem very nice and willing to put up with a total newb like me.
Found a beautiful Richa jacket in my size on ebay that I’m going to collect tonight. Hopefully it fits and I look badass as fuck (Which is whats really important of course.)
Did anyone see this article about a movie called “Hidden Figures” coming out next year, about black female mathematicians and scientists working for NASA in Jim Crow Virginia? http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/22/movies/taraji-p…
Here’s a taste: “Desperate to get ahead of the Russians, the nation’s space agency had hired the brainiest people it could find, among them Ms. Johnson, who, in 1937, graduated from college in West Virginia summa cum laude at 18. But, for years at the agency, women often worked in separate rooms from men, and the white women were segregated from the black women, who were known as “colored computers.” Ms. Johnson’s push to be heard by the men — her calculations, once they heeded her, proved invaluable — lies at the film’s narrative core.”
Starring Taraji P. Henson, Janelle Monae, and Octavia Spencer. And the book it’s based on is coming out in the fall! Already dying over here.
I didn’t see that article, but I’ve been watching this get some publicity on Tumblr. It looks amazing! Thank you for the NYTimes link!
I am SO EXCITED for this movie, it looks amazing.
Math and NASA and women of color? I might ACTUALLY DIE OF EXCITEMENT.
I know, right? As a Toast reader and a history graduate student studying Cold War America, that headline was basically clickbait.
I knowwww, this was my exact response! Like, history and space and Taraji P. Henson and Janelle Monae, BE STILL MY HEART.
Janelle! JANELLLLLLLE!
I think Janelle Monae has single-handedly moved me up two points on the Kinsey scale.
I listened to this episode of stuff mom never told you: http://www.stuffmomnevertoldyou.com/podcasts/nasa…
Which was about the Computers! I think there’s an anecdote they say where the new machine computers do the trajectories for the moon landing and Buzz Aldrin is like, “you are going to have the girl double check these, right?” and “The Girl” is of course the super genius Katherine Johnson, who was more reliable than the machine. John Henry’s Hammer, Katherine Johnson.
Oh, my goodness. This is amazing. I cannot wait for it.
UGSDFDS THIS WILL BE SOOOO GOOOOOOOOOD
Ready for this movie/book/all of it!
Real life nerd bonus: TPH initially studied electrical engineering in college.
holy shit omg excite!!!!
I am never going to get any work done if we continue to get multiple OTs in a week. Not complaining, just…facing facts.
I hit 501 Tumblr followers yesterday.
I know that’s not a lot compared to big name blogs, but it’s a lot for me! I think a lot of those are Toasties (or lurker Toasties). Thank you so much and I’m sorry I can’t follow all of you back.
I’m another!
(And signed up to Tumblr to do it)
Such is the love!
Hehehehe *blushes red as a turnip*
ditto!
That’s definitely a TON if you ask me. Congrats!
YAAAASSSSS, Janelle .gif!
I wish I could follow you. For some reason, Tumblr is one of only two sites that are blocked on my computer. Such sadness. Instead I will enjoy your posts here for as long as we still have it!
TRAGEDY! Well, maybe your computer won’t block CleverManka.net when it goes live?
That’s the hope! It seems to be only tumblr and reddit so when you go, I will be there!
Good morning lovelies!
I woke up this morning with an all encompassing urge to turn all my tshirts into crop tops so this is a thing that is happening
(Also I get to see my boyfriend in a month and the bus ticket is only 5 dollars the universe has smiled upon these Young Teenagers in Love)
I’m real jealous of how your summer is starting off.
Oh man if there’s one thing I could tell 19-year-old me it would be Wear Crop Tops All The Time
I just clicked on the home page this morning and there was a picture of Ted Cruz right up in my face. DO NOT WANT.
SERIOUSLY
Yes, I agree, v. upsetting.
Couldn’t there have been a picture of him NOT in his human-suit? That would have been much less unsettling.
Unless they showed that retractable ovipositor. I think that would upset me, human suit or no.
That whole piece (brilliant and terrifying as it was) tasted of vomit to me.
It tasted of ashes and despair to me.
We demanded “If Janelle Monae Were Your Girlfriend” and got this instead. Truly The Toast is a harsh mistress.
Toasties! I just want to thank you for all the Seattle recommendations from yesterday! You’ve got me even more excited than I was before <3
OK, I forgot to tell you my favorite Seattle thing yesterday, which is spending an afternoon on Bainbridge Island. Get the ferry to Bainbridge Island. You get an amazing view of the water and the cityscape. Go the the Harbour Public house and sit on the patio. Have a delightful lunch and good beer. Go back to downtown and go to Mora Iced Creamery for dessert. Walk around town a bit and window shop. Catch the ferry back and again stare longingly at the views while pretending to be Meredith Gray from Gray’s Anatomy. Fin.
Also, if you have time (and a car) while on Bainbridge drive out to Hall’s Hill Point. It’s amazing: http://jeffreygardens.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-la…
I also should be going to Seattle (in the fall), and this garden looks amazing! Stealing all of these ideas, thank you so very much.
Take a book and sit on the swing and just have the most peaceful time ever!
So I had a date I was very reluctant to go on last night (not because of any real misgivings about the guy, but just because the Spinster Hole has been calling me and I wants to be there with the Black Widows and the Witches), but then the most ridiculous thing happened.
We were at a beer garden semi-near my apartment (originally we were going to a different bar but I gave myself some terrible blisters yesterday so I needed to be at a place where I walked less). We’re chatting away quite companionably and I’m in the middle of a story when I look up and see a guy I slept with — and had a massive crush on, and messaged for a while afterward but then he stopped messaging me, and have creepily tried to go to parties where I thought he’d be — has entered the bar. HE ENTERED THE DAMN BAR I WAS ON A DATE AT. JESUS WEPT.
I continued on the date, which was still a good date, but I did end up talking to the guy I had slept with and then sent him a message after the date. He absolutely was flirting with me at one point and now my brain is just whirling around him rather than the actual date and I just….grrrrrrrrr. I know DC is a small city, but is it really this small, Universe? REALLY?
oh god, those small world moments are The Actual Worst, you have my complete sympathy.
I still don’t believe it happened. It was both hysterically amusing (hysterical in all senses of the world) and deeply frustrating.
Yes. I know this feel really really well, and do not want to derail, just, this is the kind of thing that happens in life and it is in fact all-levels-of-hysterical.
In 2006 I moved to a town about 250 miles from my hometown. A guy I dated shortly before the move suggested I hang out with one of his good female friends in the new town, which, fine, that is a nice thing that he totally did not have to do. The move left me SUPER broke, I couldn’t pay my phone bill and it got shut off. My new co-workers dragged me to a bar a week or so later to celebrate me getting done with training, and I had a super hot one-night-stand as a result. And since my phone was shut off, I didn’t exchange numbers with him. A month later, I finally got my phone turned back on and managed to set up a hang-out with my ex’s friend, on her birthday, fun! And who shows up at the bar but the guy I’d slept with a month earlier… who turns out to be HER ex.
OH MY GOD. (And this is not a derailment at all — I want these stories because they are so much fun.)
Did you interact with him at all that night?
ummm besides going home with him, you mean
and like
it turning into a Thing in which we had a tortured, broken romance for the next ten months
nope
Oh Mylanta! I’m so sorry it ended in pain (although as you note below, I’m happy you found a good place and a good thing), but what a story. I don’t want a tortured, broken romance right now (or ever), but a torrid affair would be so welcome.
It was that, too. >:)
Also I don’t want to minimize your feelings of melancholy or try to romanticize what was a pretty dreadful experience for you! But it is seriously fascinating.
I should note that she (the ex’s friend) is still a very good friend of mine, but neither of us have spoken to him in YEARS
Man, thinking about this always gets me super melancholy. I told him within a month that we’d met one relationship too soon, and wouldn’t you know it, he married the next girl. I am OBVS very happy in my life and marriage and would probably not have been with him, but sometimes it just sucks to know you called it.
tbh i thought this only happened to queer ladies! AMAZING
Are you kidding? That’s great! Dude saw you weren’t all pining and is now jealous and you have another opportunity to hit that and follow the wise teachings of our lord and savior Donna Meagle.
This is the advice I want and I will run with it to the hills of sexland.
(Also I really admire you and you commenting on something I said is now my peak-Toast moment.)
Oh gurl. Idris Elba is just human perfection.
DC is SUCH a weird dating town. Here is my favorite story of the genre I call “there are seven people in DC and I’ve made out with three of them.”
So I’m on this date with a guy we’ll call Demetrius. We’re discussing hobbies, and I mention the trivia night I go to. “Oh, I think that’s the one my buddy Theseus goes to,” says Demetrius.
“Oh, Theseus, yeah, I know him! How do you know him?”
Demetrius looks a little abashed. “Uh, well, actually, I know him through an ex-girlfriend.”
I think about what I know of Theseus. “…which<i> ex-girlfriend?”
And that’s how I found out that his ex-girlfriend was Hermia, currently dating Lysander, who I used to date. Seven. People. In. DC.
Oh man I know! I would almost say you could expand into Arlington, but only if you live there. Especially with the Metro being the way it is right now (and probably in perpetuity. I once was on my way to my then-regular sex friend who lived near Rosslyn and I got stuck on the Red Line for 20 minutes, then took a taxi instead to Metro Center, and then got stuck on an Orange Line train for another 30 minutes. My mistake was taking the Metro on the weekend, I know. But sex!)
Earlier this year, I found out that one of my friends from grad school had slept with two of the same men that I had. Sure, grad school makes it smaller but two of them? TWO?
My friends and I used to make maps in grad school to link hook-ups to determine how many degrees of separation lay between us.
The answer was always too few.
But I love the idea of doing that! I don’t think it would actually work super well for my class. Although I fear that I could be the Kevin Bacon for many a person. If we include making out, that is.
This is one of my biggest dating anxieties, and I am sorry you had to endure it. While I was still out dating in the world I lived in fear of running into evil ghosters and bad one-night standers on new first dates. I liked being single and I like being in a relationship but this is shit I do not miss in the least.
Omg I should be receiving a package of books tomorrow for my blog including SUNFIRE BOOKS. Omg omg I’M SO EXCITED. I love good books but I LOVE trashing crap too and Sunfire is the perfect storm. I’m so excited. I know that you guys all loved Dear America like I did but SUNFIRE NOVELS YOU GUYS!
I had never heard of the Sunfire series until this very moment and now I need them in my hands immediately, they sound TERRIBLE in the best way.
They’re TRAGICALLY awful. I love them.
that is kind of exciting!
I remember reading about them when I was following a ton of old series book blogs, but several of them died off five years ago, so I’m really looking forward to your coverage 😀
As in Sabrina, Laura, Nicole, [female name]? Historical romances? I.e., the reason I know who Col. Francis Marion is?
I would read any reviews of such cheese.
THAT IS EXACTLY THEM. They’re coming!
YESSSSSSSS. My mom gave mine away, or I’d read along. I mostly ignored the “which man? who gives a shit?” conundrum in every book and focused on the labor organizing (my introduction to the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire *and* the Lowell Mills strikes) or spying.
I (possibly) have one of those, if it’s still at my mother’s house- it was three years ago when I picked it up and reread it 🙂 It’s “Amanda”, and if you ignore the ‘girl must end up with boy’ romance goal it’s not a bad story of how a spoiled girl becomes a capable woman.
Aravis, if “Amanda” is not in the package I’d be happy to send you my copy (assuming my mother hasn’t got rid of it!).
Oh Lord, please email me at yahistorical vault at gmail (no spaces) and we can discuss!!!!! YOU BEAUTIFUL STRANGER.
Just thought I’d turn up and share some love. I live on the arse end of the planet and The Toast usually happens while I am sleeping. So. I really like that shirt you’re wearing and your hair glints in the sun like a stream running through a spring meadow.
I’d like to update my Goodreads before this place closeth for good (waaah!). What can I not possibly go through the rest of my life without reading?
You wonderful bread products put me onto Uprooted, which I got my grubby paws on last week and devoured in a gulp over the weekend. I’m so happy that unlike the usual fantasy trope the evil things did not remain evil, that human beings lack of comprehension was also major obvious problem. You people also got me to read Hild, which was wonderful, and I am agog for the sequel.
Suggestions? I tend to read classics, mysteries written by women (Val McDermid and Sara Paretsky are favourites), kids books like those by Diana Wynne Jones and Tamora Pierce and Terry Pratchett and Wodehouse are my kings.
I am also here (Or I will be, tomorrow, after you all go to bed) to fangirl any of the above should you be so inclined.
Frances Hardinge’s Cuckoo Song! I read it based on a Toastie recommendation, and loved it so much.
SECONDED for anything by Frances Hardinge.
Also added. Thank you!
Banner of the Damned by Sherwood Smith. I love this setting. The author has written a bunch of books set in this world, but you don’t need to read them to understand this one.
I can’t remember how much of the original worldbuilding is mentioned in the books and how much I got from her website, but one of the most awesome parts is that ages ago women were the first people to learn magic,
and they used it to make their lives better. Women are by default infertile, and can only get pregnant when they’re consuming this really common herb. You don’t even need a person when a womb in order to have a child–there’s a child spell any two people (or one person) can recite, and if it works (the success rate is probably the same or lower than for people doing it the old-fashioned way) they get a baby. I know it sounds funny when I explain it like that, but it’s a game-changer.
It’s also a fun adventure story, and the main character is canon asexual. She ends up in a loving poly relationship. I want everyone to read this book.
I completely love 80% of Sherwood Smith’s books and then I’m confused by 20% or so, but I’d also recommend Crown Duel in this world (originally published as two books, Crown Duel and Court Duel).
Lol. Yes! I read the Crown Duel books and the India series. I haven’t ventured into her other books.
——– Original message ——–
Intriguing. Noted. Thank you!
If you like post-apocalyptic stuff, Stranger by Smith and Rachel Manija Brown is also great. A futuristic YA book with more than one LGBTQIA character and mostly populated by POC?!?! (This is the book that the authors sent to their usual publishers and were told they had to remove one of the main gay characters completely, or remove all references to his sexuality. They refused and had to shop the book around for a while before finding someone who would publish.)
In that same vein, Panther in the Hive by Olivia A. Cole is a really good YA book. It’s also post-apocalyptic with mostly POC characters, and it was AWESOME. It’s the first book in a trilogy, and I can’t wait for the rest of the books to come out.
Done. Thank you!
Ooo! Thank you!
If you like Diana Wynne Jones and Tamora Pierce and you’re interested in trying some YA influenced by them from one of my BFFs and I know I pitch them here every chance I get but y’all their books are great. Tessa Gratton and Natalie Parker.
Wonderful. Thank you!
Re: mysteries written by women, The Toast turned me on to Tana French and her Dublin Murder Squad novels. They’re light yet engaging– my favorite so far is The Likeness, but I’ve only read the first three. (Although I would read The Secret History by Donna Tartt first, since The Likeness is sort of thinly veiled fanfiction of it.)
Yessss, those are so great!
Tana is already in my goodreads based solely on Toast recommendations 🙂
There is also a thread on the toastcrumbs subreddit for what everyone is currently reading, if you want more inspiration!
First I have to go into that subreddit. Is that the thing where I have to email [email protected] or is this something else?
Nope. That’s the slack group. For the subreddit just go to reddit.com/r/toastcrumbs
Hooray! Thank you thank you thank you! I haven’t been this devestated about a website going inactive since Regretsy shut down and April got on with her life.
Nope! You can find the thread here: https://reddit.com/r/toastcrumbs/comments/4kvt56/…
Thank you!
Mysteries by women:
Ruth Galloway mysteries by Elly Griffiths, start with The Crossing Places
JK Rowling’s mysteries written under nom de plume Robert Galbraith
Susan Hill’s Simon Serrailer mysteries, start with Various Haunts of Men
Dorothy L. Sayers Lord Peter Wimsey books
Other Golden Age mystery writers: Josephine Tey, Ngaio Marsh, Patricia Wentworth
Julia Spencer Fleming books, mystery with romance thread, Episcopal priest and married sheriff
not written by a woman but Alan Bradley’s Flavia de Luce books are a hoot and feature an 11 year old detective.
More love for Flavia!
FLAVIA <3 Co-signed, a million times! (ETA currently re-reading Ngaio Marsh’s A Man Lay Dead. It’s a good one.)
There’s a great mystery series set in Shetland by Ann Cleeves. The first one is Raven Black.
Adding now. Thank you!
There are a few publishers doing cheap reprints of Golden Age mystery writers now, and most of them are meh but Ianthe Jerrold is really good.
Adding Jerrold. Thank you!
I drag out my Sayers for a re-read every year. They are gorgeous. Adding the rest. Thank you!
Since you liked Uprooted, you could try another recent fantasy story that I found to be very good: The Fifth Season, by N.K. Jemisin.
NK Jemisin is wonderful! Her Hundred Thousand Kingdoms series is also a bit more playful.
Adding also. Thank you!
Also Kate Elliot’s Court of Fives reminded me a lot of Pierce at her best (Little Women but in fantasy!hellenistic Egypt with extreme-ninja gymnastic competitions!)
Oooh! Thank you!
You love so many of my favorites! Some others you might not have tried:
Robin McKinley’s wonderful fantasy books — both her classics (Blue Sword, Hero and the Crown) and many of her more recent ones (I loved Sunshine, Chalice, and Shadows, and they each had a completely different feel).
Patricia Wrede’s Enchanted Forest Chronicles get a ton of very-well deserved praise, but I’ve reread her more recent Frontier Magic trilogy so many times and would highly recommend it. Very much kid fantasy along the lines of Diana Wynne Jones, and so fascinating — the young protagonist lives at the edge of the American frontier, the edge is a literal barrier between the uncontrolled fantastical wildlife of the west and the rest of the country, and she has to navigate different schools of magic to figure out what works for her.
Diane Duane’s So You Want to Be a Wizard series is delightful kid fantasy, particularly the earlier ones, and has some wonderful add-on novels about CAT WIZARDS which I adore and should actually go reread right now.
If you want to give softer sci-fi a try, Lois McMaster Bujold is a genius and the Miles series is a witty romp. And because I don’t just read books by women, despite my best efforts, I’d also recommend Garth Nix’s Abhorsen series and Guy Gavriel Kay’s fantasy – the Sarantine mosaic is a favorite of mine. I’d also hugely second all of Rainbow Rowell (I loved even the ones I thought I wouldn’t like given the plot synopsis) and Sherwood Smith!
Hard second for Nix’s Abhorsen series and Bujold’s other series, Curse of Chalion! I was just thinking that it’s time for an Abhorsen triology re-read…
Oh yes, the Chalion world is great! I’m always extra impressed when an author can work in such different settings.
I love the Chalion books with a more complicated love now, after a friend pointed out that they’re basically about The Reconquista, and the Christians’ theology is provably correct. That tainted it a bit…
The Abhorsen series and Sunshine are literally my comfort reads. MY PEOPLE, I HAVE FOUND YOU.
So glad to see a McKinley recommendation here! Spindle’s End is one of the most important things I’ve every read. I also loved Sunshine! Could not wrap my head around Chalice, but it’s amazing how different her novels can feel. Can’t wait to read Shadows!
Spindle’s End was another of my absolute favorites, and I feel like so few people have come across it! I could only read Chalice from a certain mindset, but Shadows was much more like Spindle’s End, although a completely different world. I hope you love it 🙂
I just re-read Wrede’s Enchanted Forest Chronicles! I took over a fantasy/sci-fi book club for middle schoolers and got to be the one to introduce them to that group. I felt quite honored.
Forever my favorite. I want to be Morwen
Oh, me too! She is by far my favorite. I greatly love her cats and their general opinions of the silliness that surrounds them.
Aw I forgot about the cats! (it’s been a while). I hope one day to be a badass enough lady to have “none of this nonsense please” be my outlook on life too.
And to advertise it! She’s the best. I’m not quite sure what I think about her and Telemain from an adult perspective…
Ugh. Completely agree. In my headcanon she is utterly content in her spinsterdom and/or a lesbian. I’d take either.
Cat wizards! EEE! I currently live with a cat who definitely has her own magic, and I was picked by another when I was six (plus Salem from Sabrina. Obviously.) I am totally down with this.
I re-read the Vorkosigan saga every year. Thank you 🙂
You mentioned reading Diana Wynne Jones. If you haven’t already picked up her parody book The Tough Guide To Fantasyland, I promise it will be worth it.
I haven’t seen that one anywhere before. I’ll add it to my list. Thank you!
For mysteries written by women, have you read Sarah Hilary’s DI Marnie Rome series? DI Rome works serious crimes in London, and the books are really good – dark, clever, thought-provoking.
No I have not. Thank you!
I love the Jackson Brodie novels by Kate Atkinson- the first one is “Case Histories.” It’s so beautifully written and so gorgeous wrenching.
Thank you!
Ink & Bone: The Great Library by Rachel Caine was quite excellent. I am really looking forward to the rest of the fantasy series.
Looks gorgeous. Thank you!
Mysteries written by women: Sarah Caudwell’s novels about a crew of young London barristers and their (gender never specified) nosy legal scholar mentor Hilary Tamar. They are atrociously funny and far too few in number. (PS if any Toastie knows where I can find a copy of Thus Was Adonis Murdered I’d be forever in your debt, mine has gone missing and I rue it like nothing else).
Fantasy/SF – you can get them both in Kate Griffin (urban magical London series, dense beautiful and also funny) who also writes as Claire North (First Fifteen Lives of Harry August, Touch).
My print copy of Thus Was Adonis Murdered (and all the others) will have to be pried from my cold, dead hands, but they are available on Kindle and, I assume, other ebook formats!!!! My joy at discovering this was probably registerable on the Richter scale.
Sadly only the later ones appear to be out in ebook format, but I just remembered that I hadn’t checked Indigo/Chapters and they have it in paperback! And I have a gift card!
Caudwell sounds amazing. As does Griffin. Thank you!
I glommed The Steerswoman series after reading a rec for it here! There is also a toast goodreads group (search: The Toast). Join us, join us!
Hooray! I just joined now. Thank you!
Classic-ish/mystery-ish + woman = Iris Murdoch
Done. Thank you!
I am also a big fan of Pierce & Jones & Pratchett, and therefore I would recommend Libba Bray, especially the trilogy that begins with A Great and Terrible Beauty. Her newer stuff is not as awesome, imo, but I also haven’t read most of her newest series (The Diviners) yet.
And I second the recs below for So You Want to be a Wizard and the Abhorsen series!
These are not written by women, but you may also enjoy Scott Lynch’s Locke Lamora series and/or Patrick Rothfuss’s Kingkiller Chronicles (the protagonist is a bit insufferable in this but it’s great worldbuilding).
I absolutely loved the first book in the Diviners (bit suss on the ending but I’m probably just anti-love story – must there always be one?!) I kind of tuned out of the earlier trilogy. I have them all still on my shelf. I might drag them out again…
Adding Lynch and Rothfuss. Thank you!
The Phryne Fisher mystery series is written by a woman named Kerry Greenwood. I haven’t read them all, but the ones I have read are quite good*. It’s also worth noting that the TV show Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries is based off of these books, but that it diverges from them quite a bit in some ways (for example, Lin Chung, who was a one-episode character in the TV series, has a much longer lasting role in the books).
My most common book recommendation these days is one I picked up from the Toast: The Bees, by Laline Paull. It’s fiction told from the point of a worker bee in a beehive. Many of the actions and behaviors are taken from apian biology, and the world that the author weaves from the interplay of these facts and her imagination is staggeringly interesting.
*Caveat – The first book is in dire need of a good editor, so don’t base the rest of the series off of that one…
Ooo also! For fantasy, try anything by Juliet Marillier, though I would recommend starting with her book Daughter of the Forest. It is a wonderful retelling of the Celtic folktale ‘The Seven Swans’.
Marillier is a brilliant writer. Her main characters are almost all female, the stories are amazing, and the romance in the books is #Serious Relationship Goals (not gonna lie, I’m kinda still holding out for a man like Red).
She has written some YA novels, which are also fabulous. I’d start with Wildwood Dancing, which incorporates some elements of ‘The Frog Prince’ fairy tale.
I own all the Phrynes and read them every time I need to make myself feel brave. I once sassed a defence lawyer while in the stand as a witness after a week of Phryne. The judge was amused and I’m not sorry. He was a twit and deliberately ignored what I so carefully pointed out about my hearing disability. Gloves off, motherflipper.
I am totally here for bees. Thank you!
I’m tagging along because I plan to spend all the money I can find on books this weekend. So far, I have only tentatively picked Blackwell’s Annotated Anthology of Romantic Poetry (because poetry).
I’ll also need more Fantasy and Scifi though, and at least one easy French book (because I need to revive my French).
Books like Diana Wynne Jones and Tamora Pierce, you say??
Here are some that are well-loved by me, and by other people on the DWJ mailing list (who told me about many of them). Seconding Sherwood Smith, Robin McKinley, Frances Hardinge, Bujold, Duane and Nix.
Margaret Mahy! Changeover may be my favourite YA book of all time, but basically everything of hers is great. She was from New Zealand. Megan Whalen Turner- a four-book series starting with The Thief, set in small sort-of-Greek-myth-based countries.
Eva Ibbotson gets lots of comparisons to DWJ, she has both kids’ humorous fantasy, like Which Witch, The Secret of Platform 13 and The Haunting of Hiram, and also non-fantasy adventure like Journey to the River Sea or various YA romances set in 19th century Vienna. I love her characters.
Andrea K Host- Pyramids of London is her most recent book, it has a set of kids co-protagonisting with their aunt; canon bisexuality, disabled characters and characters of colour, set in a pagan London with vampires and clockpunk and it seems like it would be Too Many Things but it’s so good.
Rachel Neumeier, Ysabeau Wilce, Cindy Pon, Caroline Stevermer. Ursula Vernon writes middle grade and picture books under that name, her YA and adult novellas are under T. Kingfisher, but under any name she’s amazing.
Martha Wells is brilliant, she writes SF/F for adults rather than YA but I can’t bear not to mention her- her most recent series starts with The Cloud Roads. Wheel of the Infinite is my fave of her older ones, I think. Melissa Scott and Lisa Barnett’s urban fantasies- where the city in question is a late-mediaeval Dutch-ish one with accurate astrology and all-woman landholders- starting with Point of Hopes. Oh oh hey, and The Goblin Emperor is lovely (by Katherine Addison), and The Rivers of London series by Ben Aaronovitch is a great London police procedural with magic, and I should stop before I write down everything on my shelves.
Your shelves sound amazing and I think you are too. Thank you for going to such effort. I literally squealed when I got to Ysabeau Wilce. Flora, my love. I still quote Nini Mo to myself when I need to.
Toasties, I have a sore throat and a shit-ton of work to do and 32 papers to grade, but I’m going home on Friday morning for the long weekend and will be able to snuggle with my parents’ puppies and I just want to teleport there immediately.
Please please make your blog happen. I love your gifs so dang much, yo.
Starting work on it after Memorial Day Weekend!
chamomile? It tastes like a monkey’s butt (to me, anyway), but it is really soothing. I had such a terrible sore throat over the winter and chamomile tea helped so much that I am bullying my gentleman friend into planting me a bush this year so I don’t have to spend money on the dried buds like a sucker.
If you drink, scotch is a great remedy for a sore throat, or cheap whiskey plus honey plus lemon.
I get to do a 3D/4D ultrasound today and see Baby Girl! I’m 30 weeks, so at the tale end of when these are performed with the best results — so I know going in there’s a chance we may not see her very well at all — and Lord knows 90% of the 3D ultrasounds I have seen from other people make their baby look like a little Voldemort just because of the imaging — but I’m still excited to at least try and see her face (she’s always hidden it from us) and just to get to see her in general!!! <3 <3
if you’re in Massachusetts and need a goat!
And “how to make a link” is about all I got out of the web design class I’m currently failing so I’m debating if taking an incomplete can squeak me out a passing grade if I have more time, or if I just need to pray for a miracle and accept that I may not be graduating this term. In possibly related news, I’ve been crying a lot this week.
Ooof indeed.
I would recommend getting an incomplete if you can, because at least it gives you some extra time to try and squeak to a passing grade? I mean, you won’t LOSE anything by getting an incomplete, you know? And also *hugs*
That’s kind of my logic? And if I am somehow miraculously able to get a decent product pulled together by the deadline next week I think I can just submit that and say “nevermind on the incomplete!” but I certainly can’t go the other way. I am just so tired. All that got me through this term was the promise of being done and to no longer be sure of that… i very much appreciate the hugs.
Three people have sent me that goat link. The original article stated that “46 goats surrendered to MSPCA” so I’ve been telling people I won’t accept cowardly goats that surrender even when they have superior numbers.
So, just another quick plug for the Cocktail Hour inspired, Toast populated Tinyletter I’ve sent up: http://tinyletter.com/spaghettidinner
It’s a place where we can share recipes with each other!
Hope you’re all doing well this Wednesday!
Thanks for putting this Tinyletter together! I just signed up, and was super excited to see so many vegetarian-friendly recipes.
I’ve been enjoying it tremendously!
I love it TONS already! Exchanging recipes is the best thing anyway, but exchanging them with Toasties, who are the loveliest? Yay!! Thank you so much for making it happen <3
Ooh, I love this idea! Subscribed!
I have subscribed but I ahve no idea how tinyletter works (this is the first time I had heard of it) so apologies in advance if I do something ridiculous….
ALSO — someone else mentioned watching Bring It On on Netflix the other day, and I had this thought when my husband and I watched most of it the other night:
Something always made me kind of uncomfortable about the movie — I mean, like any good dancer/dance teacher, I love any sort of performing arts competition movie (Centerstage, Bring It On, etc.) — so I grew up loving this one. But I realized as we watched this time — it’s really weirdly sexual towards minors, right? I mean, this is obvious now, but it was the first time I’ve watched it in several years and it made me uncomfortable to realize how much. I was a teen when it came out, and everything seemed very normal. But even if the actresses themselves are 18+, they’re all playing high schoolers of various ages, and there’s always scenes with them undressing in the locker room and that weird car wash fest and then that scene when the male cheerleader lifts the girl and tries to mess with her? That’s not a joke, that’s SEXUAL HARRASSMENT.
None of this is a groundbreaking observation, it was just the first time I watched this and realized they’re all supposed to be 16-18 and it was offputting. We decided in our heads this was just going to be reset in college so everyone was at least legal and slightly more mature???
The part about the male cheerleader groping the girls he lifts is gross and terrible, but the rest of it doesn’t bother me quite as much? I would feel weird if it involved adult characters treating the teenagers in an ogling/predatory way, but as far as I remember all the flirting and sexual conversations that happen are between peers, and the dynamic feels pretty standard for a HS movie. Can understand how YMMV though.
ETA: Actually, when I re-watched it recently the part that stood out to me in a “this would not go over well if it were made today” way was how nasty the spirit fingers guy is about the cheerleaders’ weight/appearance, and how his comments are played for laughs. I think society has become at least somewhat more conscious about things like eating disorders in the intervening years, which I guess is a good sign?
Yeah, I think we find that with a lot of 90s/early 2000 (“older”) movies — when you watch with today’s wariness/filters, you’re surprised they got away with making that film, but then that was 10-15-20 years ago even though it feels like just last year.
And now that you phrase it like that — I don’t think, like, the uniforms or the practice clothes bothered me so much as like including a scene with high school girls changing in the locker rooms — like if someone tried to film that in a real high school, it would never go over? I’m trying to think to Mean Girls — I know there’s a locker room scene but I don’t feel like it’s as blatantly HERE ARE SOME GIRLS IN BRAS AND PANTIES? (I could be wrong, though, I just remember Regina pulling her holes shirt on.) It just feels like that conversation could have happened elsewhere, with clothes on. And then the carwash scene is pretty sexual — so again, I think at the time it came out, it felt pretty innocent, but I just think (from teaching teenagers, etc.) that we would be less comfortable with ACTUAL teenagers in these situations.
But maybe I’m reading too much into it?? Definitely possible. I always just think it’s weird to re-watch movies you loved when you were a kid/teen, and then find them potentially problematic today.
Re. Sparky Polastri and his comments, I think that while there is an element of their being played for laughs, we are still supposed to seem them as offensive and inappropriate. It does seem like less of a big deal than it might today, though.
yeah. i mean, a lot of movies i loved in high school now make me feel a little uncomfortable to watch, because even though the actors are not in fact 16, they are SUPPOSED to be 16, and i don’t/can’t engage with the romantic narratives the way i decidedly did when i myself was 16. which is fine except that the movies push them SO HARD that it’s like, if i don’t find this supposedly-underage-actor attractive, what is even the point
related: i just started watching “the fosters” (i have a thing for melodramatic family-themed drama) and similarly i am finding it really hard to care about the characters’ hormones. oh, you can’t repress the urge to kiss your foster brother? I DON’T CARE REPRESS IT AND TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE ADORABLE ADULT LESBIAN COUPLE
That’s going to be a recurring theme on “The Fosters,” I’m afraid. At least one of the creators SUPER-identifies with Brandon, so he’s always going to be the golden boy who can do no wrong, and Stef and Lena (the chemistry between those actresses is AMAZING) will always take a backseat to the Brallie nonsense, unfortunately. I watch for Stef and Lena. Because they’re the most convincing lesbian couple I’ve ever seen on tv, period, and because even in real life the actresses’ relationship is adorable. (Possibly more so, since one sees affection between them more offscreen than on.) There’s a decent Twitter community around the show and the actresses who play Stef and Lena are quite active and responsive, too. A lot of people live tweet under the hashtag gaydybunch. My username is the same on Twitter as it is here if you feel like talking about the show, just be sure to unfollow me if you haven’t caught up by next month when the new season starts airing. 🙂
god, i love them. it is early days — i just watched the quinceañeara ep and omg, LENA’S OUTFIT i died
OMG. Next ep with the lesbian party. “She’s out back, womaning the grill” 😀 😀 😀
Yeah, the show doesn’t feature their friends nearly often enough. They could just get rid of the kid story arcs altogether, and I’d be fine. I hate that I feel that way, because some of what they do with Jude, and with the foster care system over all is so good, but it’s all so sullied by the Brallie nonsense. 🙁
Honestly based on my own adolescence I feel like CW/ABCfam shows give way too much ACTUAL adolescent drama compared to solely imaginary drama…they could keep 90% of the kissing in their heads and it would be much more realistic.
Definitely. Unfortunately, the only relationship the creators seem to have any desire to keep “realistic” is the moms. Just prepare yourself for them doing little other than arguing for the second half of the first season, all of the second season, and into the third season. There are bright spots, but they go through a serious “rough patch.” I don’t think that’s a spoiler, really, but a lot of us who watched from the beginning were really thrown for a loop when their relationship changed, so I thought I’d warn you.
HI ROSIE O’DONNELL THE MATRIARCHAL UTOPIA IS NOW COMPLETE
Wow, you’re making good time!
Oh I “work from home” i.e. can watch tv all day if I choose. I am concerned about the legality of some of what’s going on. (When you take out a restraining order, that’s kind of it, right? You can’t just be like “oh nvm, I decided let’s suspend it for a couple hours to see if it’s actually necessary.”)
Why does this show consistently treat statutory rape as consensual, culpable intercourse?! Or did Brandon turn 18 when I wasn’t paying attention?
Oh, yeah, the show’s only interested in being “realistic” with the moms’ relationship; (i.e. having them argue all the time) the rest is fair game. No, Brandon isn’t eighteen, (the show also progresses very slowly–only a year or so has passed in three seasons–he JUST celebrated his 18th birthday in the most recently aired episode) but I’m guessing you haven’t reached the point where Stef is told. SHE doesn’t treat it as consensual, at least. Neither do Lena and Callie, really. Brandon kind of does, but Brandon is also a complete dumbass and you’re going to have to get used to being annoyed by him, I’m afraid.
ok, yes. reasonably good talk on statutory rape in that ep. i particularly liked how they had mike rep the “i know how teenage boys think” viewpoint and then come around. but i think stef using the “what if it were mariana” kind of undermines the more substantive point about the problems of power dynamics in sexual scenarios. like, yes, it is easy to get through to people by being like “you want to protect innocent young girls, right? why not innocent young boys!?” but it sidesteps the actual conversation about why statutory laws exist.
also i must say i think i might be climbing aboard the brallie train? i mean, their relationship’s EXISTENCE is not healthy, but the actual dynamic of the relationship itself seems so much healthier than any of the other teen romances that have shown up thus far. they trust and respect each other? and are almost always honest with each other but also let the other person keep secrets if necessary? wyatt is such a sweetheart but so transparently wrong for callie to be involved with. he’s like a boy version of sofia. i also think though that brandon’s character is actually written really inconsistently — sometimes he is super mature and sensible and takes care of everyone, and sometimes he is, as you say, a complete dumbass. like, mariana is a pain in the ass sometimes but she seems to have consistent motivations and anxieties that make it make sense (stef and lena, same, i think. i identified so hard with stef in that scene where she was trying to fix the sink and then she broke down. IT ME). brandon just vacillates wildly between being unrealistically adult in weighing the consequences of his actions and being totally aberrant and stupid.
also, jack! from dawson’s creek! i want him to have All The Daughters! i think it’s kind of lovely that he’s popped up in this show — like, how many people watching “the fosters” as adults (do adults watch this show? or is it just me/us?) encountered jack as one of their first experiences of a normalized/dramatized (because obviously, not NORMALIZED, but presented as a sympathetic version of adolescent experience in the terms of dramatic tv, or something) queer character on a network drama, and now he shows up in this other show that imagines queer domesticity as a space of normalcy and love? feels.
Yeah, I can’t ever get on board with Brallie. As far as I’m concerned, Brandon’s pursuit of her is no better than a superior approaching subordinate at work. As the trusted, biological son, he’s in a position of power over Callie. Their relationship cannot be one of equals as long as he’s the biological son and she’s a foster child. He may be more genuine and better behaved than her previous foster brother, but she’s in no more position to turn him down and get away than she was with Liam.
Also, she asked him to leave her alone (and warned him how dangerous it could be for her and her brother if he didn’t) the first time he showed an interest and he ignored her request. I have trouble approving any relationship that starts with the guy not taking no for an answer. My own brother-in-law asked my sister out several times before she said yes, and even thought they’re very happy, it still makes me uncomfortable that, early on, he decided he knew what she wanted better than she did.
Finally, one of the main themes of the show is “DNA doesn’t make a family, love does.” It’s difficult to believe that the creators actually subscribe to that belief when they also support and encourage “Brallie.” As far as I’m concerned, Callie is Stef and Lena’s daughter the moment they feel in their hearts to be family, and that from that point, Callie and Brandon’s “relationship” is no better than incest. How are we supposed to view Jude and Callie as Stef and Lena’s children, (or Jésus and Mariana, for that matter) if we’re being told that adoptive bonds only matter if you don’t want to date each other?
I’m never going to warm to Brallie because it undermines the premise of the show and began when Brandon had a seriously unfair advantage. Also, having waited a long time to see a family that looks somewhat like the family I have myself one day represented in the media, I resent its being overshadowed by yet another relationship between cis, white, heterosexual teenagers. Especially one that’s so unhealthy for everyone involved. There’s no good reason for it. The creators themselves are two gay men and a lesbian, and the ratings are consistently higher in Stef/Lena-heavy episodes.
If Brallie were the only focus, the show wouldn’t have lasted one season. They have praise and awards and substantial viewership because of their portrayal of lesbian parents and the foster care system, and a trans character within that system, NOT because of some silly straight teen “romance.” It feels very much like queer-baiting to me. When it comes to interviews and awards shows, they’re the “groundbreaking family drama,” but when it comes to screen time and pleasing fans, the focus is still on the straight, white people. I might understand it from a ratings standpoint if the ratings weren’t better when Brallie isn’t the focus. As it is it doesn’t make much sense.
Well, most of it doesn’t make sense. I’m afraid Brandon will never be written well because the creators–the male ones, anyway–see themselves in the character, and don’t write him well as a result. They have him do stupid, terrible things, but then get offended when their adult viewers criticize him. I assume you won’t have seen the Twitter side of things, but I stopped following the creators–especially Bradley Bredeweg–very early on because they don’t handle criticism well at all. Bredeweg has been shown to get into drawn-out arguments with fans of the show on Twitter, randomly blocking and unblocking people when it suits him. (Usually, when they criticize his golden boy Brandon, or Brallie.) They’re completely unreasonable when it comes to that character. It makes sense that the writing reflects that.
My biggest concern there is that the character gets away with a lot more than his siblings, and that ends up coming off as looking like a preference for the privileged, straight white son over the queer white foster son, the troubled foster daughter, or the Latino adopted children. He dodges consequences and punishments when the others are expected to face them. I find it troubling when we’re supposed to overlook the preferential treatment of the biological son and view Stef and Lena as fair and unbiased parents. The whole premise of the show is supposed to be that DNA is beside the point, but that doesn’t seem to be what they’re illustrating in the writing, unfortunately. I only watch for Stef and Lena anymore….
These are all GREAT points and I agree for the most part — you are spot on about the unnecessary appeal to a straight, white audience. I do wonder about the effort to market the show to both adults and teens; do you think the creators partly feel like they need the cishet white relationship to make it look more like the CW shows etc with which they might be competing for younger viewers?
The only thing I’m not sure about is the power position as such. You are completely right that that was troubling in their relationship at the start; I feel as though as the show goes on, though, we are not given nearly as much suggestion that Brandon is the “trusted” one as opposed to Callie. Stef and Lena have known Brandon longer, but I think they seem to actually respect Callie more — she certainly (from an audience perspective) has a more robust sense that actions have consequences, and they seem to recognize that.
To be clear, I’m not like ROOTING for brallie. They just don’t bother me as much as a concept by now (I just started season 3) as they did to start with. But Brandon is a waste of a character either way and I wish they had sent him to a boys school offshow!!
I find that it’s still troubling because she started off at a major disadvantage, and until being adopted is STILL in a more vulnerable position. He pursued her when she asked him to stop, repeatedly sabotages her attempts to move on with her life, and takes her on a guilt trip whenever it suits him. It’s still not a relationship of equals. Brandon breaks LAWS and still gets to pursue his dreams, be around Callie, etc. Jésus and Mariana make mistakes and they go to in-school suspension, or are forced to give up things they love. The kids’ treatment is hardly egalitarian, and Jésus even comments on it in a couple instances.
Coincidentally, I just watched this movie last night! The straight male cheerleader is the wooooorst and looks like a budget Stefan Salvatore.
In terms of locker room/underwear scenes, I guess maybe I just watch enough shit like Gossip Girl that it almost seemed kind of tame and innocent to me. I think of the fact that we live in a world where a hugely popular show (Pretty Little Liars) portrays a sexual relationship between a 16 year old and her teacher as a grand romance and a car wash scene just doesn’t seem that bad to me.
The thing that bothers me most watching it now is that although I had a big teen crush on Cliff, the movie would have been so much better with a love triangle between Torrance, Missy and Isis.
It would have been so amazing. (Have you read the Femslash Friday post on here about Missy and Torrence? It is one of my favourites.)
fuckin fitz man. i had to stop watching that show because the ick factor got so intense.
I first watched Bring It On when I was about 11, and watched it repeatedly throughout my teens, so part of me still thinks of the characters as forever older and cooler than me. Taking a step back and viewing it purely as a 20-something does make it weird, as you say; it’s just so hard not to see it through that filter. (The car wash is and always has been super weird, though.)
Do you know what really bothers me about the car wash scene is when Missy says something about making money off of dudes “ogling her goodies.” Not because of the line itself but because Eliza Dushku pronounces it like “oogling” instead of “ohgling.”
As she is American and I am not, I never knew if this was just wrong or a perfectly acceptable variant. Thank you for confirming my feeling that it was weird.
I don’t really think of it as weirdly sexual. I mean, yes, there’s some blatant sexual harassment, but teenagers are coming into their sexuality and it doesn’t feel as though there’s an undue/unrealistic emphasis on that sort of thing. I mean, my high schools didn’t look like the cast of a CW show, but there was definitely fooling around going on during sports trips and whatnot.
Toast, if you knew you’d be jobless (contract is up), debtless, and sitting on a bit of saved up cash come September, where would you travel to?
I’m thinking Europe right now but that’s all I’ve got. It’s gotta be relatively inexpensive (because the Canadian dollar is awful right now) and ok for me to travel alone to, but other than that I’ve got no limits!
I just went on a road trip in the Yucatan peninsula and it was amazing. Several Toasties assured me it was super safe and developed, which turned out to be true! Also, beautiful! And if you can get there (plane tix are expensive obv), everything else is very inexpensive. It will be HOT though.
So I’m a bit biased here, because my brother lives there, but Tokyo is maybe the safest city I’ve ever been to, and reasonably cheap with the USD/yen exchange rate, at least. I can recommend a really lovely AirBnB that costs less than rent for a studio in Boston and comes with breakfast included.
How does one find out more about this AirBnB? 😀
<a href="https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/3235958
https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/3235958<br />I stayed at my brother’s apartment but my parents stayed here and loved it. It’s a little out of the way (hence the great price) but it’s only 15-30 min from Ikebukuro depending on whether you catch an express train or not, and the area around it is super cute.
I have secret Pinterest boards planning multiple vacations on every single continent so really you could tell me where I have to go on my vacation and I’d be ready.
But what I’d really, really love to do is start my way in Europe (I think I picked Holland as my starting country?) and then start taking trains and working my way east. Eventually I’d get to Vladivostok and then I’d switch to heading south taking buses/trains into Mongolia, China, and then down into SE Asia, hitting as many countries as possible.
My husband and I did a trip a lot like that! We took six months, started in St. Petersburg, took the Trans-Siberian, then connected via train to Mongolia, then China, then SE Asia. It was easily the best thing I’ve ever done.
Awesome! I hope someday I’ll have the time and money to do it (or convince someone to pay for me to go if I write/film it!)
We didn’t have the money, actually (still paying for it!) but we did it after graduation when we had no other responsibilities.
I’ve been in love with Basque Country in northern Spain for ages and its my dream vacation/home/life, so that’s always my #1 recommendation for people. As far as I know Spain isn’t too horribly expensive, especially compared to a lot of other places in Europe, and even more so if you stay away from the major cities.
Wherever you end up going I hope you have a wonderful time!
My daughter lives in Madrid with her Spanish boyfriend, and they just took a weekend trip up to the Basque Country (San Sebastian, Vitoria and Bilbao). It looks amazing. She LOVED San Sebastian.
I’m finishing up a week in Portugal and I cannot say enough good things about it. Maybe check out Lisbon!
Turkey. It is where the East meets West! I loved loved LOVED the three weeks I spent there, even though it was hot as hades and people looked at me funny(funnier, I guess, I get weird looks here too). The food is great, the music is delightful, the scenery is inspiring, the balek ekmek (fish sandwiches) are amazing… I loved Turkey.
Or Iceland. That’s next on my list.
I loved Turkey, too! My trip was Istanbul–Ankara–Cappadocia–Ephasus–back up to Istanbul (and places in between). I really want to return to travel along the Black Sea coast. Pinterest has been tormenting me with pictures of a place called Rize that looks unbelievable.
Also, I would happily live on borek, eggplant of any variety, kebabs, and Turkish Delight forever.
I love Turkey, but have only been to the south (Antalya), Istanbul and Cappadocia, and I’m dying to do a road/bike trip along the black sea to the Georgian border.
I second the Portugal recommendation! My husband and I did Lisbon, Porto, and Ericeira and loved it. Our Canadian dollars went decently far, and a number of our pals have gone recently and also had good times!
If you’re looking at Europe, I’d consider the Czech Republic, Croatia, and Portugal. Or perhaps Greece.
I’d probably kick around SE Asia for a while, if I were in your shoes! With splurgy trips to Tokyo (then train-ing all around Japan – the JR Pass is amazing and Japan can be surprisingly super cheap) and also a splurgy trip to Singapore. At the end, I’d make my way west, hit China and end in Mongolia and see the Altai Mountains.
Thinking about this is not conducive to my work right now, yikes.
Costa Rica is beautiful and not that expensive. It is also fairly easy to navigate with limited to no Spanish from what I hear, though I am relatively fluent in Spanish, so it wasn’t an issue.
Ditto. Also, I believe September is during the period when leatherback sea turtles nest on the Pacific side…
I went to Japan in February and it was WAY cheaper than I expected and just amazingly beautiful. There’s so much to see! So as long as your comfort with not speaking the language and miming a lot is fairly high, I’d suggest it. I went to an amazing onsen outside Kyoto and can give you recommendations for Kyoto or Osaka
I would like these recommendations!
So in Osaka we stayed at Hostel 64, which is a small hostel designed by an architecture firm so it’s GORGEOUS and everyone is v helpful. They have homemade bread for breakfast for 500 yen. In Osaka the Osaka Castle, the aquarium, and the Floating Gardens are all amazing, and I wandered around a lot of markets and random streets as well. People are very friendly and it’s a very walkable city, especially because the metro has such great coverage!
In Kyoto we stayed at K’s House, which has less nice rooms but has a cool cafe attached. We went to shrines and markets and mostly marveled at how beautiful and detailed every inch of the city was (we were only there for a day). Then we went to a Ryoken outside the city (like 20 minutes by train to the end of the kyoto subway line and then there is a shuttle). The Ryoken, (Kurama Onsen) was on the expensive side but there was a hot spring, some AMAZING meals included, and it was the full Japanese inn experience, which was very cool. Plus you’re up in the woods and there are some cool shrines to hike to.
Thanks!
Europe is less fun in winter (but perhaps not if you’re Canadian?) Why not Australia? One expensive ticket to get there, but cheap flights within (and also to New Zealand). Start in Queensland in September and move South as the weather gets hotter!
Well, I have to admit New Zealand is pretty attractive to me because I want to see some LotR filming locations. Like, New Zealand is a place I WILL go to at some point in my life. Flights seem to be much more expensive though, so while I’m looking into it Europe might allow me to travel for a longer period because of the flight savings (and at this point I think what I’m looking for is a long-ish trip because I’ve only ever done 1-2 week trips).
Seconded re: New Zealand. I am planning, loosely, to go spend six months driving and biking and hiking around New Zealand while I’m still eligible for the Working Holiday visa for New Zealand.
I lived in Australia for a few years, and it’s so beautiful and worth visiting if you have the time to make it around to a few different spots, and I’ve heard their dollar is crap right now so it’s not as expensive as usual. It’s not very dense though, so you have to plan for internal flights.
My favorite place I’ve visited in the Oz/NZ zone is Tasmania. It is amazingly beautiful, and you can cover a great deal of the island in a week. I saw dolphins and an echidna and a possum tried to break into my backpack and it was joyful! I highly recommend the ever-weird MONA (Museum of Old and New Art) and their adjacent vineyard/brewery.
Places in Europe that are cheap and that I’d be happy traveling as a single woman:
-Croatia, Bosnia & Herzogovina, Slovenia- we did all three last summer and I am now really nostalgic.
-Scotland (if staying in hostels)- I went when I was broke and the pound was twice the dollar, but I did a long distance walking route so my only expenses were hostels, a beer and soup in the occasional pub, and cheese/apples/oatcakes/chocolate for the rest of my meals. It was heaven!
-Iceland- lodging is expensive comparatively, but if you’re there in the summer camping is an option, and grocery store food isn’t too pricey. Might be less fun alone, depending on your travel style.
-Italy- hostels and picnic food, and pizza, are all reasonably affordable, and you can sit by yourself at a cafe on a piazza and feel glamorous and unapproachable. Men will catcall you, but I was never harassed when traveling alone there, and felt very safe even at 16.
-Czech Republic: gorgeous libraries, fairly cheap food, choose your hostels carefully to avoid insane party places, some hotels are actually really affordable for a comfortable single room
Outside of Europe:
-Mongolia has been mentioned a few times- it is crazy expensive to get to, and mostly crazy cheap once you’re there, except that getting around can be difficult if you don’t speak the language and have a limit on time. Some hostels in UB will set you up with other travelers to rent a van and driver, which is one way to see more of the country.
-Viet Nam: So incredibly friendly, really easy to get around, super cheap, amazing food, gorgeous.
Strasbourg because I had a 6 week (summer session) study abroad there in 2004 and I’m dying to go back when I don’t have the limits of school schedules and immersion classes, and I can rent a bike to go down to Ricquewhir and other places on the wine road.
I mean, there’s loads of places I want to go (I’d love to go to the Hebrides for a month, which my aunt and uncle are doing this summer as part of a year-long visit to Scotland and Ireland), but I adored Strasbourg and Alsace and it’s a great region for scenery and chilling and not too far from other places to be sort of a home base. (It was a university-sponsored trip and we had weekend trips to Paris, but now they go for 10 weeks and also have weekend trips into Germany and Switzerland.)
“a year-long visit to Scotland and Ireland”
I would like to be your aunt and uncle now, thank you.
Right?! My uncle retired last year and they had been saving up so that they could have a big trip right after retirement but before they started getting creaky (that’s how they put it :P), so they took a long cruise out of Florida to Ireland, and they’ve got a series of AirBNBs booked to allow them to spend something like 11 months just chilling in different places, maybe a jaunt to the continent or London or who knows what. (They’ve never really been outside the country, AFAIK, though my uncle was in the Army for a long time in the 70s.)
It’s especially impressive to me because they’re solidly working class and I’m like how the hell did you get money for this, your pension won’t cover it, surely?
They are truly living their Best Life. So amazing!
I studied in Strasbourg for my junior year of college, and since then I’ve traveled through a lot of Europe (I also taught English for a year in France), but Strasbourg remains my favorite city. Riquewihr and Colmar are also BEAUTIFUL, Alsace forever.
YES. I’d love to visit Strasbourg in December, because all the touristy photos of the Christmas market and so on look so delightful! I also dream of one day being able to live in Alsace and work in museums there.
We only spent one day in Colmar, and most of it was in the cloister museum with the leprosy-Jesus triptych and Roman mosaic floor and Clovis artifacts which tbqh were fucking awesome, but I’d love to explore longer.
We went to Riquewihr the same day we visited Haut-Koenigsburg and … shoot, I’m forgetting the name of the falling-down castle in the mountains near Struthof, but it was a very long day… and that day was the day I realized my goal in life was to work in museums. I’m in an art museum right now which is a little different, but still! it was practically out of a novel or something, the way I was looking towards the old Riquewihr Jewish quarter museum and turned to see the rest of the group heading to a wine shop just a little before dusk, and the revelation hit me.
When I studied there, the French students at my university took all of us exchange students on a trip to Haut-Koenigsburg, then a looooong hike up a hill to a falling-down castle (they didn’t tell us we were going to have a hike? We were not wearing the right footwear, and I never knew where we were, but it was beautiful!), then another looooooong hike down to a vineyard owned by the family of one of the students, where we tasted wine and got drunk because we hadn’t eaten all day. That was the best year.
Chateau Spesbourg! I’ve been trying to think of it. was that the one you saw? because it had the most amazing view and I MIGHT have pretended that I was living in some historical fantasy novel while I stood near the edge of the cliff… https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ch%C3%A2teau_de_Spe…
(I wasn’t wearing the right footwear, either. I had just bought these pink-and-white ballet flats at some shop off Place Kleber and was like Heck Yeah. But at least we had a van to take us around.)
Not positive, but I don’t think so. Falling-down “castle” may be too generous for what we visited–as I remember, it was basically a crumbling tower at the top of a hill with a rickety, dangerous staircase that of course we all climbed.
Ah! Now I’m bummed that I missed out on a different castle ruins nearby and now I really need to get back. Where is my Uncle Moneybags.
I moved to DC about 5 months ago and still know ALMOST NO ONE and NO COOL PLACES TO GO. So if you would like to be my friend singularly based on our great tastes in websites (or you mayhaps really like hockey) or have any recs for places to take people in the city (besides the museums because I practically live in them anyway), I would really super appreciate it a lot.
welcome!!!! what kind of eats and drinks do you like? (that is the only way i know how to entertain people)
Like all the things?? I’m pretty open to trying any and all new foods/drinks (well not like Andrew Zimmern levels; I do some have limits and one of them is century eggs).
Okay! if you are ever in the Petworth area, Looking Glass and DC Reynolds have great happy hours (5-9 Mon-Sat). Looking Glass is half off drinks, DC Reynolds is BOGO, and they are next door to each other! Qualia (also in Petworth) has great coffee that they roast on site daily and a cat.
My white whales to take guests to are Thip Khao (Laotian, Columbia Heights), Daikaya (Ramen, Chinatown), or Toki Underground (Ramen, H St, worth the wait esp. because there are bars around it to wait in!). Other fun food things are Union Market (mix of established stands, incubators, and cute little specialty “shops”) and Eastern Market (they have cheese curds!!! and is next to a charming secondhand book store straight out of a charming movie!)
honestly the list could go on and on so i will stop while i’m ahead. but am happy to connect with you over HH if you’d like!
Yesss, Toki Underground! It’s so worth the wait.
Teaism, if you are even remotely in favor of tea; Tryst for coffee or late-night tea; Founding Farmers if you want delicious food in a fancyish restaurant; Dupont Circle farmer’s market for an abundance of fresh veggies; Firehook for delicious baked goods; Je Ne Sais Quoi for fluffy meringues; Teddy and the Bully Bar if you want fancy food in a restaurant with a chandelier made of monacles; Saion if you want less fancy but still tablecloths; Luna Grill if you want a diner-ish atmosphere where you can be utterly un-self-conscious about reading over dinner; Pete’s if you are ordering pizza; Julia’s if you need an empanada to take to the park; The Diner in Adam’s Morgan if you are a night owl and need a place to hang out when civilized people are sleep.
My suggestions are pretty Dupont/Red Line-centric, but if you are more in the U Street/Columbia Heights/Green Line neck of things, try all the Ethiopian food, there is really great Ethiopian food in this town.
OH speaking of Columbia Heights/Green Line, there is a lot of great El Salvadorean food here too! I honestly don’t think you can go wrong with any of them.
DC!!! love that city. (grandparents live in Alexandria, went to college an hour away) There’s a great used bookstore, Capitol Hill Books, that a lot of my friend recommended. And hmmmm. I mean I only ever have time for the museums, but I’ve always wanted to look into the writing-workshop/art-classes scene, and there MUST be some bomb bookclubs, right?
And the Shakespeare Theater has some really great deals, there’s an Under-35 ticket pricing (may or may not apply, but it’s an interesting age point they’ve picked) and they do at least one free show per season. I saw The Importance Of Being Earnest & Kiss Me Kate there, and they were both faaanntaasstticcc.
Oooooh all of that sounds amazing! And it definitely applies; early-20’s babe in the big city here. I am writing all these things down.
Seconding the Shakespeare Theatre! That also reminds me, there’s daily free performances at the Kennedy Center’s Millennium Stage: https://www.kennedy-center.org/video/upcoming I saw They Might Be Giants there when I was in college and it was AMAZING.
Hi! I live in DC and there is a DC google group, but I would be happy to give you suggestions and/or meet up!
What type of things do you like? Do you drink? Is there anything you can’t/won’t do?
All of the things? I know, so helpful. But I’m pretty adventurous as it happens. Embassy Day was super rad a couple weeks ago, and I’ve been to a few signings at Kramer Books in Dupont Circle. I do drink!
I live in DC and will be your friend solely based on great mutual taste in websites! All of my recs regarding things to do are food, alcohol and/or museum based, though. Hmm.
Oh! I do recommend looking at Politics and Prose’s event calendar. They have a ton of book clubs and author events.
Those are definitely up my alley. And yeah I know haha the museum thing is a pretty big draw. I will gladly take food/booze recs though!
You’ve probably heard this already, but Facebook has a DC Hairpinners group that is also full of Toasties- you should crosspost this there! ALSO I really like the 730DC newsletter (http://www.730dc.com/) for local events, which can introduce you to new places and new people. As for personal place recommendations, have you been to Politics and Prose? It’s a great independent bookstore/coffeeshop and they have Nerds trivia night on the 3rd Saturday of each month (8-9:30 pm). Can also recommend the Board Game Bar near Dupont Circle.
The Kennedy Center has free shows every day at 6 pm! It’s called the Millenium Stage. They also have a great program to encourage people under 30 to go to more shows called MyTix, you can get really good seats to fun shows for $15-30 (although it’s not available for every show).
Union Market is a fun place to take people for a ton of food options.
I also am perpetually meaning to go to the DC Toasties book club, but that clashes with my being a huge introvert.
Kramerbooks near Dupont Circle (bookstore/cafe/bar); bars that have beer gardens (various ones around); Kennedy Center’s free daily shows after work; a jillion free outdoor movies throughout the summer (http://dcist.com/2016/05/outdoor_movies.php); catch a comedy show at DC Improv; etc etc. See also: https://www.thrillist.com/entertainment/washingto…
Also Eastern Market when the weather’s nice (flea market/farmer’s market)
I love taking people to the gardens at Dumbarton Oaks – it’s my favorite non-touristy spot, and right now is really the best time to go because everything is blooming!
Also, you mentioned museums, but the Building Museum is a little off the beaten path, so people tend to miss it. They do really cool installations every summer, so definitely check it out once this year’s (icebergs!) is up and running in July.
I moved away about a year ago so I am no longer up on the latest Cool Happenings, sadly. If you have a car (or can rent a car) I really liked day or road trips, especially in summer when the city feels so swampy. Old Town Alexandria is nice in a sort of precious way and walkable, and has some nice bougie bars with good eats if you’re into that kind of thing (Grape + Bean, Restaurant Eve, Society Fair, Vermillion). Del Ray would be a good option, too, and feels a little more neighborhood-y to me (though you lose the waterfront and cobblestones). Charlottesville isn’t too long of a drive (through beautiful rolling hills and farmland), UVA and Monticello are GORGEOUS, and there are vineyards, local restaurants, etc. I used to go down pretty regularly and see bands at the Jefferson (a great venue that books good bands– the Mountain Goats are playing in September!).
In DC I’ve had good times at the Black Cat (venue and bar), the Red Derby (bar), Busboys and Poets (bookstore and restaurant), Tryst (coffee shop), and Rock and Roll Hotel (venue), but again my intel is old. Good luck!
The back bar at the Black Cat is currently running happy hour eps of Star Trek: TNG on Fridays and Dr. Who on Saturdays. In the past they’ve also done BSG, BtVS, and other geek-affiliated shows, if you’re looking for that sort of crowd.
I live in DC and although I don’t love crowds of new people and therefore haven’t attended a lot of the DC Toast events, I would be delighted to meet you (or a small group of DC Toasties) for a drink, coffee, etc. I was thinking about trying to organize a DC Toast running group – any chance you (or others) would be interested in that?
I’d be interested in a DC Toast running group, with the understanding that I am new to it and slow.
I’m so glad to hear that! I’ve found some of my favorite DC people by meeting up with Twitter strangers at the Washington Monument for a post-work run.
There shall be great understanding for slowness – I am not at all certain that you would actually be slow in comparison to me, for example, but the beautiful thing about running is that everyone is capable of slowing down, so we can run together either way!
Would you try to organize this within the DC Toast Google group? Or elsewhere?
I think so, and also cross-posting on the ToastCrumbs reddit. The DC Hairpin group on Facebook might also be a good way to reach people, but I’d love to start small (see above re: not great with crowds). I’m v. open to input though – what are your thoughts?
Oh, that’s what I was thinking too. I just wanted to make sure I pay closer attention to the emails.
If you wanted to get coffee/a drink at some point, I’d be down! I’ve lived her for like 5 years at this point? I might have some good suggestions. Do you like outdoorsey things?
Yes! I live near Cathedral Heights so I have a giant park right next door 🙂
so i am a lurker (hi!) and have lurked so long i have FORGOTTEN my old wordpress password… but yes. hi, let’s be friends!
-we obviously have great tastes in websites
-i do really like hockey and am heeeeartbroken right now
-are you thinking places to go like restaurants or parks or–?
I am not heartbroken about hockey (#GoPens), but I also like players so every time a team gets eliminated I get sad, so I empathize with your heartbreak 🙁
Just like anything? Without prompting or a plan I’m a bit of a recluse? So just knowing of neat places is really beneficial.
I will be your friend!
(liking The Toast and hockey and museums? are you me?)
also, you should totally join the Toastie Slack! There’s a whole channel there for DC peeps and they have really good suggestions for things to do.
I mean we could be secret twins. Literally anything is possible.
Definitely joining the Slack then.
Secret twins are the best twins. But which one of us is the evil twin?? That’s the real question.
Embarrassingly, I have no idea how Slack works. HELP.
I’m more mischievous than evil, honestly.
Don’t worry – there’s a whole channel there that explains how to use it and where you can ask questions (#slack101)!
To get an invite, just send an email to ppyajunebug at gmail
I really only know stuff in the U Street/Columbia Heights area, but Airedale (14th and Perry NW) has prosecco ON TAP. ON. TAP. And also great beer and mixed drinks. There’s trivia at some point in the week there, and the brunch options are fantastic. They show euro football, so sometimes it’s a little loud.
Also recommend: Carpe Librum, a used book store in Farragut North which puts its proceeds towards reading programs and books for low-income kids; Buffy/Star Trek/Daria/Doctor Who happy hours at Black Cat (14th and S); improv shows at Washington Improv Theater (also 14th and S-ish).
Summer movie series! Adams Morgan is showing some things this summer, and there’s usually one at Harrison Field by U St. Farragut Square is screening movies on Friday nights this summer, as well as having various shenanigans (including animal rescue visits) on food truck Fridays.
I would also be down for a Toast happy hour, if we want to plan that sort of thing!
I am one of the DC toastie group admins so you should definitely join us here: https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/dc-toasti…
Right now there is a book club and we are organizing a #toastwake for July 1!
Please go have coffee and pastries at Baked and Wired and go to Crafty Bastards at Union Market in October on my behalf, as I moved away and miss those two things *intensely*.
I have lived DC-adjacent for a few years now and I still haven’t been to any of the museums or monuments. I haven’t even seen the White House in person. I’m the worst.
For outdoor times, Meridian Hill Park is A plus plus!
Any Unitarians out there who can recommend either a good UU blog or book?
Have you read Darkening the Doorways: Black Trailblazers and Missed Opportunities in Unitarian Universalism by Mark Morrison-Reed? I really enjoyed it! (Obligatory link to UUA bookstore, but you can also get it on Amazon): http://www.uuabookstore.org/Darkening-the-Doorway…
Have you guys seen this Reddit thread where a man’s family wants to spank his 3-year-old daughter, and he thinks his wife is being kind of a drag for not just giving in and letting her in-laws hit her child? And then further down in the comments it comes out that: “After she was born they actually hired a lawyer and tried to sue us for partial custody of her. THAT’S how seriously they take being grandparents. So not being able to have ANY say over how my daughter’s being raised is a major issue for them.”
For the first time in recent memory, Reddit rose up as one and was like, “What the fuck is wrong with you, dude!?”
Yes I saw that and was happy that reddit went off on that guy. Ugh.
It even included the classic symptom of batshit in-law grandparents, where his mom was GRAVELY offended that her daughter-in-law’s mother was with her in the delivery room, but she didn’t want her MIL in there too.
I know some people would not mind having their mother-in-law in the delivery room, but I’m over here going you know, if in some nightmare scenario I happened to get pregnant and didn’t immediately have an abortion, I’m not even sure I would want my husband in the delivery room, let alone anyone else. Maybe my sister. Maybe.
TL;DR: Woman having the baby decides who’s in the delivery room, everyone else can STFU.
I KNOW OMG
I was reading the whole thing in mute horror…
One quote from the comments really, really resonated with me though, especially as I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve been raised vs how we’re raising my stepchildren (VERY different, and I completely think the latter is better, but some of it is so alien to me that it’s disconcerting):
“From this post, you didn’t turn out to be an emotionally healthy person or a good parent — you turned out to be, as so many do, a person who holds beliefs that normalize the abuse they went through.”
I don’t necessarily think I was abused, but there were definitely things WRONG with my upbringing, and I have to do a lot of work on myself to have self-esteem, be able to stand up for myself, generally exist without being held back by fear, etc. And much of the time, as I watch my fiance handle situations with the kids where he treats them with respect, doesn’t unduly punish them or prolong consequences, doesn’t demand a performance of guilt/shame if they fuck up, generally encourages them to exercise their autonomy etc… I knee-jerk and think something is missing and WRONG. I don’t give into these knee-jerks, but they’re there, I guess because I’m internally normalizing my own upbringing, and have to make a conscious effort to rationalize this impulse away?
Anyone else have similar experiences?
(Oh and obviously that entire Reddit thread was seriously horrifying. I almost don’t even blame the OP because his family has so clearly dug its toxic claws into him for so long, and he’s never figured out how to GTFO and be sane, but at the same time he has a child now and therefore has a responsibility to protect her… not to mention he has a wife and he has a responsibility to honor his contract to her.)
I think that it’s so great and amazing that you’re that self-aware, and that you control those knee-jerk reactions. Reading his post made me feel sick and sad. Because it’s clear that he’s terrified of going against them, and deeply anxious when his parents and sister are unhappy with him. But he made no connection between his crippling anxiety and passivity as an adult and the way his parents treated him as a child.
My mom was spanked (and beaten with a belt) as a child, and I’m pretty sure my father was, too. But they both decided that they would not be spanking their children. One day when I was 3 and being a little demon child, my mom lost it, and spanked me. Then she cried way harder than I did. I have no memory of it, but she still feels guilty, even though it was the only time she raised a hand to me. (Also, none of my grandparents even tried to spank me, it was NOT an issue. They assumed that my parents were in charge of disciplining me, and if I misbehaved, my parents were responsible for dealing with it.)
Thank you! I really do try. Honestly that’s one of the reasons that made me decide, at age 12, that I was never going to have children. I happened to fall in love with a man who’s a father, and the step-parenting thing has certainly been an adjustment. He is incredibly thoughtful about all of his parenting decisions, and we have long conversations about them and what they mean. (In the end they’re his kids, not mine, but he values my input and we rarely fundamentally disagree.) One thing that drives both of us is the idea that we’re not raising children- we are raising PEOPLE, who will be ADULTS, and what we teach them has to serve them well as they grow up.
I have a lot of issues as an adult, due to my upbringing (and I feel like I should say at this point that there is a ton that my parents got exactly right, and that I appreciate)- basically because I was raised to be a good child, a good girl- who would transform into a good woman, who might be smart and academically accomplished but who would above all be a wife/mother/supporting actress to some man, who would exercise authority over her. And as an adult and a feminist it’s still hard to fight the knee-jerks of “don’t make waves, be courteous, above all DON’T MAKE ANYONE ANGRY especially men because their toddler tantrums are scary and someone could get hurt and it would be your fault” and actually make some noise and stick up for myself. It’s hard not to feel like shit or feel like I deserve some terrible punishment if I do something like accidentally break a glass (this happened 2 days ago, I dropped something, my partner swept it up and said it was no big deal and was his usual loving self but I still cried and was scared reflexively).
My parents didn’t spank me (not many times anyway)- their style of punishment was mostly verbal or lack thereof: withholding and silent treatment with no discernible endpoint were favored… good times lol. My grandparents never spanked me or my sister, and they generally left consequences up to my parents, but I know that when they grew up being beaten in school was common. I find the presumption of these grandparents from the Reddit post staggering: it sounds like an all-around abusive family.
It’s actually difficult for me, sometimes, not to give into my knee-jerks, and sometimes I find myself wanting to slap a kid who’s being a demon child. I never do it, but sometimes I feel like, when walking with the misbehaving kid and holding their hand, squeezing a little harder for an instant to relieve the urge to wield authority. It’s not good. I think the thing that stops me is knowing, in the back of my mind, how terrible it is to exert authority over a child by using your greater physical power. It teaches the kid that when they’re bigger, they get to do the same to people smaller than them. It teaches that “might makes right” and that people bigger than them have the right to control them physically. And if the kid happens to be a tiny girl-child, who is small for her age in addition to very young, and you’re teaching her that it’s OK and normal for people bigger than her to hurt her physically and do things to her body that she doesn’t want… well, that’s extra bad, especially when so little of the media she’s going to be exposed to is going to acknowledge female autonomy and consent. Even the freaking Disney channel shows about teenagers, geared toward elementary school age viewers, have some of the rom-com tropes of ignoring-consent behaviors being “romantic.”
I don’t know- I think about this a ton, and sometimes there is so much dissonance between my upbringing and what I rationally know is right. And sometimes I don’t know which is which. Not for corporal punishment, but for other things, like making kids do homework before watching TV, memorize their multiplication table (ok this one is probably anachronistic), finish all the food on their plate, etc.
Hi, I don’t have the energy to get into the punishment conversation rn, so I’m sorry for being slightly off-topic, but I just wanted to say I am also someone who wasn’t sure about kids, and then happened to fall in love with a man who is a father, and it sounds like there are commonalities with my relationship and yours. Being a young (well idk how young you are lol) step-parent is strange and intimidating and wonderful, and I know there aren’t a ton of us out there, so, solidarity <3
Ooh yay, solidarity! (I’m 28, so yes, pretty young.) How about you? I’m curious about the extent of our commonalities and the variations in our experiences.
I went through a time when I tried to find guidelines for step-parenting, adjusting to it, and maintaining one’s sanity while doing it. I have mostly gotten used to it now and have figured out (through trial and error) many unwritten rules about the scope of it, but at the time I was really disheartened by how scoldy the information online was, and how much it basically boiled down to “Your needs are unimportant and you are a superbitch if you try to have any of them met” when what I wanted to figure out was how to make sure I was taking care of my own needs in addition to doing what was right as a stepparent. So the more solidarity, the better, honestly.
I started reading this yesterday but just finished it now, and man, so much of what you’re saying is so damn important and also relevant to my own experience. Your second and fourth paragraphs, especially, have so much truth in them, and I wish they were more widely taught and culturally accepted. The world would be a better place for it.
Also, I don’t know if you’re in the Toastie Slack group (email ppyajunebug AT gmail if you want to join), but there’s a homeschoolhorror channel for those who either experienced homeschooling or conservative evangelical/fundamental upbringings. Our discussions sound a LOT like what you’re describing, so even if yours is more adjacent than an exact match, you’d be welcome to join in. It’s like an amazing group therapy session where we all discuss our experiences and how they’ve impacted us.
Thank you so much! I have joined the Toastie Slack group. I wasn’t homeschooled but the group does sound pretty interesting: I just joined. 🙂
Yes oh yes I’ve had this experience! You’ve described it really well. I was raised being hit, etc., and when I was helping to bring up my step-daughter I had to learn a whole new way of disciplining and even just managing my initial reactions to undesired behavior.
Isn’t great, though? To see how possible it is to raise kids without violence and humiliation? But it made me even angrier about my own childhood. And, paradoxically, more compassionate toward my mom when I realized how hard it is to raise kids – she was a single, impoverished mother of three, who treated us as she’d been treated.
It is really great, when I think about it from a distance. In the moment sometimes I get angry and frustrated, and sometimes I actually feel JEALOUS of these children who will never go through certain things that I went through.
I know what you mean about the compassion too- I feel intensified rage and compassion both toward my mother lately, and toward my father it’s mostly rage. It’s very confusing and kind of exhausting.
sometimes I actually feel JEALOUS of these children who will never go through certain things that I went through.
I feel this way all the time about girls growing up on the autistic spectrum, as well as kids who aren’t getting spanked like I was. I suspect it might be normal, and part of why ranting “kids these days” editorials is a thing. (especially when the jealousy transmutes into resentment!)
I experienced the situation you are actively preventing.
I grew up in an emotionally distant but particularly harmful household. But, my dad remarried when I was 12, and my stepmother had grown up in a much more emotionally abusive and neglectful household, and this informed how she parented my brother and I.
All of a sudden, my younger brother and I had all these new rules imposed on us and we were belittled and berated and told how useless and stupid we were for not following them, even though we’d never had any precedent of this in the past and even though the rules weren’t ever explained to us until we did something “wrong.” We also suddenly stopped being allowed to eat more than one meal a day, because food control was “normal” in my stepmother’s household, and if she had to steal food from school and 7/11, then my brother and I should as well.
So, thank you very much for resisting your knee-jerk impulses. Even if they don’t understand now, your stepkids will come to appreciate this when they get older and truly realize what you went through to make sure you didn’t hurt them in the same way.
Holy shit… I… wow.
I am so sorry you went through this. I am so sorry that your stepmother treated you this way and never was able to challenge her ideas of “normal.”
I will keep your story in mind when this becomes difficult for me. Honestly sometimes there’s so much dissonance between what I’ve known and what I have read/rationally believe is right. Sometimes I don’t know what to believe, which I think is part of parenting (so much advice from everywhere, that contradicts other advice, unsolicited advice etc), and I can see where it would be easier to default to what I know, than to challenge that and choose an alternative, when so many alternatives are presented and all of them have their drawbacks.
But I can’t fathom your stepmother’s solution to this confusion being to replicate her own messed-up upbringing without challenging it at all.
Are you doing OK now?
Thank you for your kind words and concern! I am ok, I live with my fiance and our cats and I have a wonderful circle of friends I can rely on. I did come out of this experience with PTSD but I am in treatment for it.
I wasn’t looking for sympathy in my post, I just wanted you to hear what you were actively preventing by doing the hard work of analyzing your own parenting, since you might not hear this from your fiance or his kids (depending on their life experiences). I’m overjoyed to hear about a person who is fighting this impulse. It DOES matter and you’re doing amazing work for yourself and your family by trying to change.
The fact that you’re even asking about this in the first place and questioning your own actions makes me think you’ll be a fine stepparent. My stepmother lacks the desire or ability to examine her own actions and change her behavior (my therapist has pinned her as a classic narcissist). So, this makes me think that you won’t have this issue in your own family because you’re watching out for it and looking to improve.
I think the comment you quoted in your first post is spot on, where you’re just used to a situation and so you perceive it as “normal,” regardless of whether it actually is. (And whether it’s “good” or “helpful” can be a completely different thing from whether it’s “normal,” if you grow up in a neighborhood where it’s normal to smack your kids, for example.)
I totally feel you on the dissonance too. I don’t have children but I interact with the general public as part of my job and it frequently floors me how much respect parents give to their children’s needs, or, conversely, how blatantly abusive parents can be in situations that are far worse than mine. (We’ve had to call the cops to intervene in parent/child violence before… people can be so horrifying in public that I can’t even imagine what being a part of that household behind closed doors would be like.)
So, thank you for making a difference and breaking the cycle. It might feel weird but take it from me that it’s worth it a thousand times over.
I’m glad you are doing well now! And honestly, thank you for your comment: this is enormously validating, to know that even trying and keeping this in mind (and I do keep this in mind, I think about it A LOT) will be helpful in the long run.
You describe those feelings so eloquently. I had that sort of knee jerk reaction at the store the other day, when a toddler was refusing to do something and being loud, and the mother was explaining in a calm voice why he needed to do it. And a voice in my head immediately went, ‘look at this yuppie spoiling her kid” and I had to ask myself why? I expected her to hit or yell or something and that would be “normal”
I HAVE THIS REACTION ALL THE TIME TOO and it’s so fucked up 🙁 🙁 🙁
doesn’t demand a performance of guilt/shame if they fuck up
Oh hi I just realized that’s a great way to describe what my dad required anytime I did something bad as a kid. Or if, for instance, I slammed a door because I was mad about being in trouble, now I was EXTRA IN TROUBLE for expressing emotion about it.
Which, I can be mad about it but I also understand that it was partly because my grandfather abandoned his family when my dad was a small boy and he had no role model for fatherhood growing up. He basically ran wild after that, and was doing what he thought was right, based on some very intense “spoil-the-rod” disciplinarian stuff he picked up from the particular flavor of Christianity he was involved with for many years. And that my grandfather left, in part, because my grandmother settled for him in the first place after losing her One Great Love due to HIS family’s inability to accept her lower class status, and because she lost interest in her husband and transferred all of her affections to her children once they came along.
This is why I am terrified at the thought of having kids. When you make mistakes they can perpetuate for generations. 🙁
“OP has his head buried so far in the sand that he doesn’t even know he’s at the beach.”
PURE GOLD.
I posted that one in the Toastie Slack yesterday because it was just like whaaaaaaat. Reddit went INTO him (they actually do that more than you’d think on that subreddit anyway).
But anyway yeah, it’s obvious he’s been very much affected by being raised by them, so he CAN’T see how wrong they are. I just hope the reddit post somehow knocks some sense into him. Or his wife leaves him but ONLY if she can get full custody, because like someone on there said, if he got partial custody and brought the kid to his parents, she might never see her child again, *shudder*.
WHY did they not cut these terrible people off when they tried to sue for custody?? When someone tries to take your kid away from you, that is basically exactly what the phrase “you are dead to me” was made for.
I mean… yes… but the guy is so clearly under their thumb, and they raised him (and abused him) to make sure he would always be their puppet. He grew up thinking that’s what love was, and he’s still fucked up from it to the point that he’s unable to say no to them or behave like he’s on the same team as his wife. Even his diction (saying his mom “reflexively” spanked his daughter, and that his wife saw this and “lost her damn mind” for example) points to still being crippled by their abuse, so he can’t even see what horror is around him as such.
As bad as I feel for this guy, and their daughter (!!), I feel extra bad for the wife. She is trying to accommodate her partner’s continued love for his family, and allow him to have a relationship with them, while also trying to make sure that their abusive shit doesn’t hurt their child. And he’s no help to her in this. I’m sure that if she were to suggest cutting them out, the guy would be like “FAMILY FIRST” (he doesn’t consider his wife and child to be family, not as much as his parents) and allow them to sway him into leaving her, suing for custody, and moving back to mom and dad’s house where they can spank the grandchild to their heart’s content….
EDIT: I have a lot of feelings about this.
You’re right, his “normal meter,” as they say, is completely fucked. And his wife is in a horrible position. I deeply hope that Reddit’s unanimous response gets through to this guy.
If I don’t get an update, I will think about this family for the rest of my days. I want to send his wife a gift basket.
And her own mother has Parkinson’s, and she’s been punished all these years for wanting to live close to her mom who has a chronic, degenerative condition. 🙁
I know right?? And OP doesn’t seem to think this is that big of a deal… this woman is being punished by her in-laws for “breaking up the family” because they can’t conceive of their daughter-in-law having her own family or their son being part of daughter-in-law’s family, too!
Jesus if that was my husband I’d be so gone. He’d only be hearing from my divorce lawyer.
That woman needs dwil yesterday.
I’m glad the nephew is making Grandma upset by drawing logical conclusions and refusing to back down to keep the peace.
I know, right? I am cheering for that 7-year-old with all my heart. Here’s hoping it’s a sign that if/when HE forms a partnership and has his own children, he lets that inform his own choices, and makes better decisions about where his loyalties should lie than his uncle was able to.
He at least seems able to actually stand up for his own boundaries.
I was reading that last night and it just got more and more unbelievable. His poor wife.
I am attempting to move to a new apartment with a new roommate and it is EXHAUSTING. When I first moved to New York I did the “find a room any room” thing, which has turned out fine if too expensive and no one cleans ever (it’s really not fine). Now I’m dealing with brokers! Making appointments to look at places! My roommate can’t leave Chicago until mid August so I’m running point! I don’t feel like I’m adult enough for this, I foolishly keep wishing my parents could just come in and do it for me, even though I AM an adult and can do this by myself. Sigh. Moving.
I feel you, currently going through similar. I am really looking forward to living with a friend rather than randoms who don’t clean up, but wish I could just fast forward to that point rather than having to go and view flats and work out budgets etc. etc.
I feel your pain! I’m moving to a new apartment in mid-June and although my live in gentleman keeps saying that he will help pack, I just wish that I could kick him out for the weekend and have my mom come down and orchestrate everything. Ugh!
I kind of enjoy that part of looking for an apartment cuz it makes me feel like an adult. I don’t know why getting up every single day and going to work doesn’t make me feel like one and frantic apartment hunting does. Something about all the appointments. Maybe I should find a different job, maybe I should be a realtor.
I think for me it’s just so overwhelming, and like I have to go out and pretend that I have my shit together for longer than a work day, where in real life I forget to have dinner until 10:30 and then have a quarter of a jar of peanut butter while rewatching Animaniacs on Netflix. I will say that the appointments do make feel very Important though, so i can definitely sympathize with that.
I finally found an apartment in NYC in August, after months of looking. It’s very frustrating here–there are so few affordable options. I definitely felt like I was going to lose my mind at certain points in the process. But you have to do it, so you’ll do it. You can handle this.
When you find the right broker it will all click. When I met the broker I eventually used, I immediately had the sense that she was actually trying to help me, and not simply make a sale, and she managed to find something for me even though I was totally convinced it wouldn’t happen.
Oh, I hope so! I work at a university, so I’m going through their website and have been able to find a couple of places that would work for the both of us, but other than that I’m entirely on my own. I’ve also never dealt with a broker, so it’s been a lot of frantic phone calls with my dad going “????!!!!????????dsfsaifd”
I’m so glad you’ve found an apartment!
Did you know there’s a pretty active Toast Coven on FB in NYC? They often post listings. Friend this person on FB https://www.facebook.com/kristin.eel.98?fref=ts and then ask to join the Coterie.
I didn’t-thanks for letting me know!!
Hey, you might want to check out the Gypsy Housing group on Facebook, if you don’t mind long-term sublets. It’s mainly performing arts professionals who go on tour for months/years and need to find subletters for their rooms/apartments.
Also I’ve been in NYC for 9 years and moved within the city 5 times and actually worked as a realtor for a hot second, so lemme know if you have specific questions or anything.
Ugh I moved out of a nightmare apartment last summer and into my current dream spot (rent-stabilized! cross-breeze! tons of sunlight! landlord that is neither too meddling nor too neglectful!) and the process was soul crushing. I feel for you.
Something I found IMMENSELY helpful in weeding out listings was to check 311 on every building before I saw it. You need to look up the building ID number (BIN) on the Department of Buildings website, and then you can input it on 311’s website and see if there are open complaints on the building. It’s pretty normal to have minor open complaints, but if you see that the landlord failed to provide heat or hot water or didn’t fix the boiler or repeatedly did unapproved construction on the building, run the other way!
Oh this is EXCELLENT to know–thank you! This is my first apartment hunt ever so I am trying to soak everything up like a sponge.
No worries! Also amirentstabilized.com helps you check if your building is rent stabilized (or should be and your landlord is shiesty). There are some follow up steps to confirm it but you should be able to get an idea of if it is or not. Generally, if a building has more than 6 units and was built before 1970 is probably is rent stabilized, but some units in the building may have reached the price threshold for landlords to charge market rate (this is some pretty complicated stuff so I may be explaining that wrong, but the short of it is that your next door neighbor’s unit could be rent stabilized or rent controlled while yours isn’t).
I got DEEP into this stuff last year because the first NYC apartment I signed a lease on was horrible and the landlord was a garbage human and they were definitely illegally overcharging us and I just do not have the energy to deal with that again. Knowing that I’m rent stabilized so it will at least make it a little harder for my landlord to force me out when the time comes is a serious relief.
If you enjoyed Mallory’s recent Desiderata article, or the one a while back on Inspirational Facebook Status Quotes, please read this paper, or at least the abstract. It contains a very earnest and precise definition of the word “bullshit” and also throws shade at Deepak Chopra. These are not qualities I normally see in journal articles.
Pennycook et al., On the reception and detection of pseudo-profound bullshit
“Trust is the infinity of your soul.”
– my tea bag tag
Oh god there goes my morning.
There’s an beautiful essay by Sir Peter Medawar (on whom I may have a bit of a squish) skewering the mystical b.s. of that era’s Deepak Chopra equivalent.
*googles a bit* http://bactra.org/Medawar/phenomenon-of-man.html
Holy shit, I love this. I’d never heard of Medawar, but he sounds like a champ.
Oh, he *was*. The rare combination of a great scientist (Nobel laureate) who was also an amazing science writer AND ALSO had zero tolerance for bullshit. One of his collections of science essays is still in print:
The Strange Case of the Spotted Mice: https://smile.amazon.com/Strange-Case-Spotted-Mic…
…Oh, yeah, I am going to enjoy this book. Thanks for putting it on my radar!
I’m just really discouraged about work (I’m a govt librarian). I hate my job and I’ve been trying to find something new for 2 years with no success. My job is pretty much a dead end. On paper it sounds like I have a decent amount of experience and my job title is pretty fancy (for no valid reason), but the reality is that my library is very small, has a laughably small budget and no meaningful support from upper management, and I barely have anything to do. I’m not learning anything or being challenged in any way – there isn’t any potential here for me to develop new skills or gain experience that will make me a better candidate for future jobs. I’m worried that if I stay here much longer I’ll be less and less able to compete on the job market because I’ll actually have less experience than people who’ll have been in the field for less time than me.
I’m in ~a pool of qualified candidates~ for 2 separate govt staffing processes, but who knows if anything will come of that. I could try going the staffing agency route, but I’m skeptical of that because I’ll probably end up with a much lower salary. I could reach out to my awesome former manager, who’s been very helpful with references and stuff, but even if she does have a job for me it’ll be a short term one (~4 months) with no guarantees, and idk if it makes sense to leave a stable job for that?…
It wouldn’t make any sense for me to quit, but if they were to announce layoffs and my job got cut, I would be really happy and relieved. I need to get out of here.
If you want to stress about considering Major Life Changes, I’m here for you. I’m thinking about getting out of my cushy secretarial job sometime in the next two years and (gulp) possibly entering self-employment so I am down for commiseration yelling about that sort of thing. My family has a history of late-life career changes and I’m terrified I’m not psychologically strong enough to do it myself but physically this current job is killing me.
I’m in the same boat. Small communications unit in small federal dept. Less work as time goes on so less meaningful job experience. And I feel so stuck. The pay and benefits are good so I can’t quit. Ugh. I wish I’d opted to take the layoff package a few years ago.
I wish I had something helpful to say here, but alas, what I actually have is – this is a reasonable fear. Spend too long in gov’t and industry won’t want you, because your work ethic will be damaged. Or so I have heard.
::toastiehugs:: these golden handcuffs aren’t easy.
It’s not the government really, it’s the specific agency I’m in. My previous job was also in government but in a different department and I LOVED it, but I was there on a project-specific year-long contract.
Can you create a long-termish project for yourself? Modestly-relevant research project, re-organization, something?
If you do want to talk Ottawa staffing agencies some time, my sister used to work for one, and I can ask her for tips/recommendations?
That would be so great of you! The job I’m looking at is with Maxsys. I’m kind of side-eyeing it because last year I saw a job posting through a staffing agency (don’t remember which one) where the salary was 11.25/hr… for a librarian with 5+ years’ experience and Secret clearance. I want to leave, but I’m not that desperate.
As someone else looking for a job in Ottawa, I would be very grateful for any tips/ recommendations!
Hey so I’m sort of in the same boat. In that I’ve been at my new job for a month now, in what is a year long position, and I don’t think…I have any work? I really don’t know what to do with myself. I keep trying to make up assignments and then being frustrated because there’s no real reason, no real deadline…. what should I do? Options are, try and buckle down or read internet and work on writing on my sci fi novel that I think I’ll finish in 20 years.
write. every day, even if it is just a little bit.
I have no advice, but still have my fingers crossed for the other jobs. 🙂
“It wouldn’t make any sense for me to quit, but if they were to announce layoffs and my job got cut, I would be really happy and relieved. I need to get out of here.” Oh, I know the feeling – that’s exactly how I feel about my job. :/ I don’t have any advice to offer, just commiseration.
I relate so much to this! I have no time or energy to switch careers… but sometimes maybe the drastic thing is the best thing? I’m too much of a coward to do it, but I think sometimes it is the best thing to free yourself of the burden. I know I dream about it daily. I think my job is doing good work, I just can’t connect to it anymore as much as I should.
here’s some cool links:
The story of the brave white Australian guy who stood on the podium at the 68 Olympics with John Carlos and Tommie Smith: http://sfglobe.com/2015/12/07/white-man-in-the-ph…
The Society for Photographing Relics of Old London, founded in 1875 to document disappearing London icons: http://hyperallergic.com/299912/the-photographers…
A book about Zora Neal Hurston’s ethnographic writing on food: http://www.amazon.com/Zora-Neale-Hurston-Florida-…
How a lost ship sparked Cape Verde’s cosmic disco scene: https://www.theguardian.com/music/2016/may/24/spa…?
Oh gosh, I have to read that last one solely for the title.
A+ link round up filler-inner person!!
About cried at the Aussie runner story. 🙁
Off to read the other ones!
yeah, between his courageous stand for equality (the blowback was so intense! He qualified repeatedly for the next Olympics but was not allowed to compete. The government only apologized after his death, in 2012.) and the offhanded comment “Australia, a country that had strict apartheid laws, almost as strict as South Africa”…HOW THE EFF DID AUSTRALIA GET A PASS ON APARTHEID? I feel like people in the US have ZERO IDEA that there EVER were (are?) super racist laws there. Still processing the whole sad story.
I think Australia still racially profiles Indigenous people there (a lot of whom are black/very dark skinned), and there’s bigotry toward Muslims. It wouldn’t surprise me if there are white Australians who are ignorant of their own colonialist history.
I’m late here, but: if you want to read an academic comparative study of child removal policies practiced by the US/Australian governments vis-a-vis indigenous people, check out Margaret Jacobs’ White Mother to a Dark Race: Settler Colonialism, Maternalism, and the Removal of Indigenous Children in the American West and Australia, 1880-1940. The book is excellent, and at least the title lets you know up-front that it’s also really upsetting.
Yeah, wow. I’ve been sort of pessimistic lately about privileged people and social justice, just seen so many misunderstandings and fuckups, from my own part and other people’s. But that was powerful.
I was going to SJSU when the Smith/Carlos statue went up and was there for the unveiling ceremony where all three were in attendance. It was a really amazing moment.
One thing I’d add to the story of the statue that I think that article misinterpreted a bit is the absence of Peter Norman. Mr Norman was supportive of his podium being presented empty because it invites the viewer to literally step into his shoes, to step up and add your support to their cause the way he did, an action he paid greatly for.
Thank you to ye lovely toasties who gave me some great perspectives and advice on both my career and my period coming-for-my-beach-weekend problems yesterday. I love you all!!!!!!
I want to bite. I don’t start my new degree program until July, it sounds like, because the transcript review people were too stubborn to contact my enrollment counselor and say “hey we have several people with that name, which one is this certification for?” In his defense, my counselor sounded ready to bite too. He sent them the dang thing! They could have asked him!
Plus I’m having my first period since having a uterine polyp removed and even with less blood, I am apparently still 100% dysphoric when menstruating. Who wants to help me bite the world? We can cover our faces in shaving foam and pretend to be rabid.
Count me in. Grrrrrr.
I’m busily wishing that I had a particular issue to throw to the Toastie Hive Mind, but am coming up blank! So, more generally – what’s the best advice you’ve ever received? Or what advice have you always wanted to give (but it hasn’t come up, or wasn’t taken)?
When my dad dropped me off at my dorm right before freshman year of college he told me: “First, make sure you’re sleeping enough. Second, make sure you’re eating right. Third, worry about your grades. If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will.” That prioritization is the reason I made it through college with my sanity intact.
Ah. When my mom dropped me off for university she said to me: “When I went to college my dad told me to drink my liquor straight. I’m passing on that advice, with my own addition: do your drugs on the weekend.”
That’s also good advice!
My mom told me never to do shots because that’s basically poison. I maybe should have listened to that one
My favourite Mom advice is “if you think you had too many drinks at a party, make yourself throw up, it’ll help you recover and not get alcohol poisoning.”
The best advice I ever got was from my mom. I just grew up knowing it, and I honestly don’t remember the first time I heard it, so she must have told me when I was very young.
I can laugh or cry about shit when it happens. Neither is intrinsically worse or better than the other, but it’s up to me to figure out which is gonna better help me with the situation.
I’ve spent a lot of my life laughing. Thanks, mom!
Ohhh. Wow, that’s really good advice, especially the bit about neither being worse or better than the other. I feel like I just learned something big. Thanks, CleverManka’s mom!
The best advice I have ever received was in high school from a good friend of my parents. ‘Wait to get married until you are both over 25. Most people don’t know themselves before that age and trying to make a lifetime commitment before you know who you are is not a good idea.’
Did follow, thumbs up.
Most of the kids I grew up with did not follow this advice and have gotten/are getting married at 18,19,20. They have three kids before they even figure out who they actually are or whether their politics or worldview might be different from their parents’, and though they seem happy enough, I’m always a little sad for them. I want more for my kids.
My dad remembers this inspirational piece of advice from my sixth grade graduation, and quotes it to me whenever he gets a chance: “Make good friends. Make good choices. Thank those who help you along the way.”
I think something along the lines of — you don’t have to exert energy/do emotional work for those people who are not going to return that energy/work in your favor. I tend to be a people pleaser, often at the expense of my own health and well-being. Learning that saying no (and no alone) or not going out on a limb for EVERY PERSON does not make me a bad person really helped me heal and grow. I can still be friendly, polite, and kind — but I don’t have to make everyone person’s problems my problems.
I have a few! The one I go to the most: “Don’t worry about being right. Just don’t be boring.” This was said to me by a splendid, flaky, brilliant college professor when we were assigned to write our first paper for her; the sentence preceding it was, “If you write about gender identity in Twelfth Night, I will fail you.” She knew the anxiety about being Right in that teach-to-the-test culture, and was intent on smashing it. She also got in trouble with the Dean for bringing champagne to our last day of class, but she proceeded to do it every semester.
The second one is, “You can’t work with nothing, but you can work with shit.” This was from a writing workshop to get over fear of the blank page, of not being good enough. Just put something down, even if it’s terrible, and edit.
Third is from my grandmother: “Get down on your knees every day and thank God he gave you common sense, because he didn’t give it to everyone” ALWAYS coupled with, “Some are born with the potential of a tea cup and some people are thimbles. And a full thimble is better than a half-empty tea cup.”
“Never switch anything on unless you know how to switch it off.”
I don’t remember when I came across “it’s better to be kind than smart” or but it’s one I remind myself of a lot. Except I’ve mentally translated it to “Hufflepuff, not Ravenclaw, remember?”
I have also always appreciated Captain Awkward’s “people who like you will act like they like you.”
There is a line from Harvey that is basically that same advice, and it always gets to me-
“Years ago my mother used to say to me, she’d say, “In this world, Elwood, you must be” – she always called me Elwood – “In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.” Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me. “
Your first one reminds me of a little sign my grandmother had hanging in her house: “It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.”
Ursula Vernon (iirc) has something along these lines too: “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that people will respect you if you’re smart, but they will fight for you if you’re kind.” I love that a lot.
When I was learning to drive, my mom told me, “Don’t let someone push you into something you’re not comfortable doing. You’re going to suffer the consequences, and they’re going to be able to drive off and go on their way.” This was specifically in reference to people honking at me to pull into traffic, but it’s so good that I’ve applied it everywhere else I can.
I’m a weaver and I was once told by the great Madelyn van der Hoogt (she is a Big Deal in the world of weaving) that it’s best that if you see a mistake to go ahead and fix it, even if it’s a pain. If you fix it, in a year from now you won’t remember the process of fixing the mistake, you’ll just have great cloth. If you don’t fix it, a year from now you’ll only be able to see that one error. She wasn’t wrong, and it’s advice I try to apply wherever I can in life.
oh, that’s a good one!
This was advice I got from a very good boss, and it has always stood me in good stead:
“When you hire people, hire folks smarter than you. Then help them grow until they can take over your job.”
It has been a very rewarding piece of advice to follow, even if it hasn’t always worked.
It wasn’t advice exactly, but one time my boyfriend told me I wasn’t low-maintenance.
It sounds like it might be a mean thing to say, but indeed it was not! The conversation went something like,
-I think I’m pretty low-maintenance
-Uh, no, not really…
And then I said Ah. And my illusions of being that really cool chill girl who doesn’t need much were shattered, and I was able to own my desires, and look for what I really wanted in a partner (turns out not him, sorry B, we had a lovely time together though), and now I am in a real adult-type relationship that is pretty darn good.
Never make major life decisions in the middle of the night.
Yes! And if the world looks bleak and awful at two a.m., sleep on it and things will probably be a little brighter (or you more able to deal with them) in the morning.
some advice that particularly got under my skin was in a pema chodron book, that basically said you will keep meeting the same demons until you learn what they have to teach you. i was dealing with some very problematic people, and i really liked the concept of this inner sphere of influence around me, that i could protect by refusing entry to people who were not right for me. after i learned what they had to teach me, which was: haters gonna hate.
Though I don’t remember where I heard it first, the phrase “This, too, shall pass” has always soothed me. It certainly helps me in difficult times, which is when I usually remember to say it, but it is also helpful for me when times are good, though I often forget to say it then. I am a human who really Does Not Like Change, and reminding myself that “This, too, shall pass” no matter what the circumstances helps me to grapple with my Change-Hating instincts and to remember that I have survived all previous Changes that life has sent my way.
My college roommate/best friend gave me advice about relationships that sticks with me to this day. I was pining for/making out with a guy who really didn’t treat me well, and in one conversation, she said “I know he makes you feel amazing about 10% of the time, but the other 90% of the time, he makes you feel like shit, and 10% just isn’t worth it”. I know the logic sounds obvious, but it was such an eye-opener for me, and I remember it still when I am deciding whether or not a relationship is working for me.
The best part about it is that I told her a couple years ago about the life-changing advice she gave me, and she doesn’t even remember saying it. WISE BEYOND HER YEARS, that one. <3
I deserve the treatment I tolerate.
A composition professor quoted his journalism training: Consider the source.
I take that to mean I need to weigh information according to how reliable or biased the source might be.
There is more than one correct answer.
That is my all-time best. An epiphany that changed my life.
One of my favorite human beings ever gave me this advice when I was gifted with an unexpected windfall:
“Pandatime, I know you don’t always believe in God, but when the universe/karma/whatever gives you extra fruit snacks, you don’t ask questions. You just eat them.”
Meaning – there doesn’t always have to be A Reason why a thing happens, and overanalyzing does not always serve you. Enjoying can be enough!
Tell [x] to fuck off.
At the time, I was 18 and [x] was an Older Man and was pushing his luck as far as comments and also favours (work favours, like ‘do this job because I can’t be arsed’) and like, being able to, in a sanctioned way say “no, this is not my job, my responsibility, a thing I want to do” was sooo good for tiny shy happy-to-help me.
I got some very good advice from you once and I’m tickled to run into you here so I’ll say it again though I think I’ve already told you in person it was good advice!:
It’s okay to make compromises, but Be aware of what compromises you’re making and why you’re making them.
It helps me to remember that if a situation isn’t ideal at the time but it doesn’t yet make sense to change it it’s OKAY and doesn’t mean it won’t get better at some point. BUT if I’m settling for reasons I don’t like then I should do something about it.
I’m a super worrywart (yay anxiety!) and once when I was worrying at him my brother told me, “You need to Put That Shit Down.”
I’m losing my mind Toasties.
I am getting married this October. I am also in a show that opens in August. I just filled out my calendar for June.
I have exactly 10 days that don’t already have plans all. day. long.
This is not ideal. My brain is already fried. It’s busy season at work. Why did I do this to myself?
If you are someone who needs some downtime (which, since you are a human, I assume you do) keep those unplanned days unplanned! Preserving personal time without apology, especially when we were wedding planning and moving and starting new jobs, was one of the few smart things I did that summer. I missed out on some things but overall was in really good shape to enjoy my new job and enjoy my wedding and honeymoon.
Unsmart things I did included: insisting on going in to work a month into my job when I was clearly very ill, stress-crafting roughly 1000 tissue paper tassels in the two weeks leading up to the wedding because I decided they were NEEDED, having 6 friends stay in our tiny rental house the weekend of the wedding because I didn’t want to impose on local friends any more to house people, despite the many offers.
I just hope that I CAN leave those unplanned days unplanned! But, I guess if I can prioritize having a few days at home, it would probably be better for everyone in my life. And my cat!
Can you block those 10 days off as untouchable right now?
Get the partner to take on as much as he/she can! I am getting married in Sept and my partner tours over the summer (is back one week before the wedding) so all the stuff that can be done far in advance is his job, and all the stuff that can’t really be done until right before has been assigned to me. Good luck!
Recommendations for long reads anyone? I have a 45 minute train journey to work with patchy internet, so I’ve taken to absorbing myself in an article for the duration, do you Toasties have any recommendations?
(Preferably nothing that would make me too sad or too angry for the rest of the day!)
I’ve been reading Guardian Long Reads recently, this one was posted this morning that may be of Toast interest:
“The enduring whiteness of the American media” http://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/may/25/endu…
Damned Interesting is usually pretty good for long, interesting reads about a variety of subject matter: http://www.damninteresting.com
This one is kind of amazing: http://www.damninteresting.com/welcome-to-the-jun…
This piece from Wired about Silk Road was in the Best of Longreads roundup for 2015: https://www.wired.com/2015/04/silk-road-1/
It is thrilling. A little maddening at some points but not in a personal way, if that makes sense. And it suffers from being Written By A Dude but the strength of the plot mostly overrides that.
The Toast turned me on to Texas Monthly long reads and they are great: http://www.texasmonthly.com/longform/
Oof. I have a dear friend with a birthday coming up very soon, and I am having a moment about having no! idea! what to get her–we used to hang daily and now it’s monthly–if we’re lucky–and I just have insufficient information to get her something that she really, truly wants/needs like I used to do. All of my friends (and myself!) are shacking up, getting real jobs, moving to non-adjacent suburbs or making plans to quit town altogether–my coven of ladyfriends is disappearing into the heteropatriarchy and I am a bit sad.
I am just going to put too much symbolic significance into this gift and continue to panic.
Sorry your ladyfriends are dispersing. That’s rough. For the gift, if you can afford it, maybe joint pedicures? It’s a gift that has never failed me (yet *knock wood*). If you can’t swing two of them, perhaps give her a gift certificate for one. Especially this time of year, most people can appreciate a pedicure!
That is a brilliant idea! Thanks!
Interview went well yesterday! I think they intend to hire me, and I should know by the end of the week. Logically I know that they weren’t going to give me an offer on the spot, but god I wanted them to
Food question!
I’ve been super hungry all the time at work lately and am looking for something filling but not-too-much I can snack on throughout the day. I always end up having to rush out of the house in the morning, so cutting up vegetables or fruit before I head out is probably not the best idea. Right now I’m thinking nuts and raisins mix, maybe. Any other ideas?
I take a little baggie of almonds and craisins with me just about everywhere. Maybe some dark chocolate chips in there, too?
Trail mix. I keep it in my desk at work. My grocery store has a nice combo of almonds, pistachios, raisins, and cranberries, but eventually I’ll switch it up to something with dried papaya bits, which I love.
in the shell peanuts! Forever
I make this: http://minimalistbaker.com/healthy-5-ingredient-g…. It has never once come out in bar form – but it still works. I make it Sunday and a batch will last about 2 weeks.
Oooh, I’ve never tried making something like this before. Saving the recipe, thank you!
I love craisins, cashews, and sharp cheddar cheese. It’s both filling and delicious.
I also like eating dried coconut because it feels substantial and I can’t eat too much at one time.
Nuts are good, I usually bring a couple bananas and an apple with some nut butter and cut up the apple at work.
Are you a meat eater? I was having trouble with feeling hungry all the time, and I realized that I was subsisting on carbs that didn’t keep me full… I don’t have a sweet tooth. I have a bread tooth. I incorporated more meat and fat into my diet (eggs for breakfast, chicken, nuts, avocados) and that has helped a lot.
Damn, that might explain it. Now that I think about it, my eating habits have been very one-sided recently. Usually it’s just Nutella bread for breakfast, more bread with a bit of cold cut for lunch and then a big dinner when I get home. Written out like that it really seems obviously unbalanced. Thank you, I’ll try shaking it up a bit!
No problem! And yeeeup, that’s exactly what my eating habits usually look like so no judgement there. Bread is so easy to love! And it seems obvious written out, sure, but I had the same realization as you. Especially if you’re not eating junk food and preparing a lot of your own meals, it’s like what? How could that possibly be unbalanced?
I ended up trying the Whole30 thing and was like ohh, so this is what meals look like when they are centered around protein and vegetables.
I keep cashews in my desk. I find them filling & satisfying. I’m also very into popcorn, so I tend to keep that around for the mindless, kinda-hungry chewing. Works great if your office has a microwave. And instant oatmeal pouches for when I’m actually hungry but don’t have time to go out for something.
I keep almonds in my drawer at work. Sometimes I back little babybel cheeses to go with them or bring a tiny thing of hummus and pretzel chips or carrots (sometimes I splurge and buy the prepackaged tiny-hummus-with-dipping-items at the store, other times I package my own in Tupperware)
Babybel cheeses! +1
+2
+3 to the babybels (to the point that I am the babybel girl at work now!)
I support nuts and raisins mix — I keep almonds/cashews in my desk at work. Granola/nut bars (check out Kind bars, higher protein, lower sugar) are a good go to energy boost. I LOVE trail mix, because nuts for protein, and raisins, AND M&MS for fun.
I like all the dried fruit in bags that trader joes or natural health stores have- i prefer the kind without the sulfates- for hippy reasons, but also it tastes better. I do dried apple, mango, dates, and coconut. Also I like to keep rice cakes, the cheddar ones in particular, they’re basically cheddar air, but filling. And on weeks I really have my shit together, turkey jerky.
Pistachios are my favorite, since they are both food and activity (the shell cracking) and usually quite well-salted, which I often crave in the afternoons. I also like dried young coconut, which is fibrous and chewy and filling.
As a general rule of thumb, stuff higher in protein will make you feel more sated, while carbohydrates will make you feel hungry later on.
Perhaps you could prep something the night before that’ll keep? Boil some eggs, for instance? Those are a good source of protein and have lots of other essential vitamins and minerals in them. Plus they make you feel like Ron Swanson.
If calories are something you care about, be aware that nuts are very calorically dense (although they also contain lots of good fats and the like).
Yep. Also, I’ve cut up vegetables and put them in containers to take later, and depending on what you’re using, they last for days. You don’t have to do it day of.
+1 for boiled eggs! You can even pre-salt and pepper them!
Definitely gonna look into eating more protein. We often have boiled eggs in he fridge, so that should be an easy first step. Thanks!
Babybel little cheeses?
nuts and dried fruit are great, but if you want to snack all day, you could end up overdoing it on them. if the activity is as important as the eating, some good carbs could be a solution. i take bags of baby carrots as well, with a little dip. you can buy pre-cut if you’re not into cutting up things like celery or little broccoli florets. typically i bring cut carrots, celery, apples, jicama, radishes and cucumbers with something to dip them in and i’m set.
I am really going to miss all the second-hand life coaching I have accumulated from you in this space. My to-do list for today included making a good grocery list, and bam! Solved.
as the toast family is far, wide & deep, so are the heathers, here & everywhere, to come to the need of a heather whenever called upon.
I cut and portion out vegetables and hummus once a week, enough for work snacks every day! I also bring a banana, or some other fruit. Dried fruit can be a good option as long as it doesn’t have any added sugar. I hate trail mix because it’s easy to overeat, and it makes my mouth hella dry!
I am a bit worried about overeating snacky stuff, so portioning out veggies sounds like a good plan. I wasn’t sure they’d stay fresh a whole week, glad to hear it works for you!
If you have some small mason jars, anything in a sealed mason jar stays amazing fresh.
In addition to these suggestions, drink more water and tea! It fills up your belly and can cut into those hunger feelings.
I really need to keep this in mind, I know I never drink enough. Thank you!
I used to not drink enough water, mostly because water is kinda boring unless you REALLY need it.
I am a lady who likes sour things (lemons! i love you!), so I started adding cranberry juice concentrate (NOT cranberry juice cocktail) to my water. These days, I’ll drink at least one entire Nalgene of water+cranberry concentrate a day, sometimes two.
I usually put 6-8 oz of cranberry juice in for every 32 oz of water, though when I started out, it was more like 2-4 oz (it’s SOUR, so you gotta build your tolerance).
And bonus points, some studies show that cranberry juice helps to prevent UTIs. So that is always nice!
I always make a point of carrying a Sahale Snacks mini bag of nut and dried fruit mix in my purse. It’s my just-in-case.
Kind Bars are delicious, low-sugar, and packaged in such a way that they’re hard to binge on, since they’re in separate packages. Highly recommend.
Today is a rubbish day at work, but I’m claiming my lunch break now to go to the post office and send my Toast Post. So excited!
In related news, I received a beautiful Toast Post from Toastie bathysphero — but there’s no return address. Alas, alack, and woe the tide!
Bathysphero, are you here? I’d love to reply to your postcard.
I also got a lovely postcard from Bathysphero! Thank you for the fish.
I couldn’t get it together for this one, but I really think we need to work out some sort of post-Toast Post….
This is a great article/review of a bullshit movie based on a bullshit book. This movie would be prime for some yelling, except you’d have to pay money to do that and you definitely should not pay money to see Me Before You.
Wow. I saw the trailer a while back and was mildly skeeved out without knowing the end – that just makes it even worse. Ugh.
A minor issue in the face of the rest of it, but it’s genuinely baffling that this book/film seems to present Emilia Clarke’s character as upper middle-class, pretty similar to Sam Claflin’s – a young middle class woman becoming a carer for a young man seems really unbelievable.
Wow, the only thing I’ve known about that book is that it’s insanely popular, but that sounds like…so much bullshit.
“it is made worse when it is clearly something Louisa is meant to get past with Will’s assistance but Will isn’t supposed to learn to live with being paralyzed. It clearly sets up the idea that people can and should be expected to come to terms with certain kinds of trauma but not others.”
*throws furniture in agreement with how horrible this book is*
thanks for sharing this! I really enjoyed the book in a “I better not overthink this” way…i can certainly start overthinking now.
Thank you for the heads-up. The Novel Cure had recommended this book, and you have just saved me putting myself on a wait list for it, only to throw it across the room in a fury.
I am very grateful!
So, basically, Dying Young for the YA’s crowd?
Here’s a question for all of you: if you were going to an event and the dress code was “festive business” how would you interpret?
My job is having a benefit tonight and that’s how we were told to dress and my coworkers/friends, most of whom are new to this whole thing were all ??????? about what to wear. I opted for a dress borrowed from my roommate that has a fun pattern but is still appropriate and will also look fine after being crumpled in my bag the whole day since I didn’t want to wear it to actual work. But I still think if I showed up in business casual with a party hat I could argue I did not misinterpret the code.
Streamers taped together to form a functional, yet stylish, blazer.
Think cocktail party, but more fun and still business appropriate. Your dress sounds perfect for it.
Dress in a halloween costume but wear a blazer over it.
Anything, as long as it has a) a rainbow and b) shoulder pads.
specifically, like a suit but with a red and green turtleneck sweater that had reindeer on it
A polo shirt made of crepe paper and pants bedazzled with confetti, obvs.
I want to upvote this, but it’s hurting my eyes >:(
I think it probably means dressy but relatively conservative and well-covered.
suit + sombrero, obvi.
I was thinking the same thing!!
Any shirt that Neil Diamond would wear on stage paired with a blazer and a subtle pair of office pumps.
Business suit and jester’s hat.
I’d wear something in a fabric, color, or print that would not normally go to the office. But I’d be careful that it covered most of the skin usually covered at the office. So maybe a cocktail dress that covers cleavage, with a hem not too far above my knees.
who are my graphic designer toasties? i figure, now that we have a group for our city, i’ll network with the people who share my daily concerns about layout, type, color palettes, and explaining deadlines and scope limitations to clients who think being too witches means everything is done in a day.
i mainly do print design, but sometimes web. i work for myself, and right now that includes contracting a few days per week, so i get a little office life and a little home life, which is why i’m up at 6:30am to see a mid-week open thread.
Environmental graphic designer reporting for duty, hiiiiii.
very cool! what kind of environmental design do you do? signage, or sculptures or city benches or what?
Anything flat in an exhibit (information panels, murals, etc.) and signage, so I use all the normal graphic design programs but lay them out in 3D space.
I envy you being able to work on your own! I’ve really had a difficult time whenever I have freelance work because I have trouble managing deadlines when I’m not surrounded by a team.
Meee! I do more writing than graphic design at the moment, but yes.
nice! when you do design, what area is your focus?
Hiiiii! I’m a graphic designer too
yay! what type of design do you do?
I work for a wine and beer distributor doing all of their graphics & point of sale material
wow, sounds fun! i have done some work for craft beer people locally, i love the possibilities [typically i do more corporate stuff].
It is fun, craft beer has lots of freedom 🙂
oh hai. I’m an illustrator that ended up doing visual and UX design for web/apps. Currently trying to redirect my career back towards illustration and motion design/animation.
oh right and you were talking about grad school yesterday? i wish i had actual advice about this, i learned the trade on the job while doing a french lit degree, and was basically just too far into the degree to switch to design. i ended up doing a 2-year program at UCLA Extension in design, but mainly i participated in AIGA, and read all the design magazines and cultivated my sense of design by watching the industry. i agree about hands-on learning, but i did more of an on-the-job apprenticeship. it seems like at the right studio you could have the crossover job you’re looking for…
Yeah I’m definitely more inclined to avoid grad school if I can – I grew up with academic parents in a college town so part of me is just drawn to the idea.
So at any rate, I’m trying to teach myself enough animation stuff that I could attract a different sort of agency to give me a chance to learn a bit on the job if that makes sense. But right now the task of coming up with enough projects to actually have a reel seems so monumental, I struggle with being overwhelmed and quitting before I even start. I just signed up for an online course this morning that makes me kind of nervous but I think it might be a nice baby step towards what I want.
I’m a day late to this OT, but I am a graphic designer too. I work mostly in print with some environmental design as well. I work in a museum, so I do everything from marketing to publications to exhibit graphics.
I haven’t read this yet, but I love Sonia Sotamayor so putting this here:
http://www.nbcnews.com/news/latino/give-back-help…
My friend posted a picture of himself with Justice Sotomayor at this very graduation! Synchronicity!
I was seeing this dude, but after a few dates I just didn’t feel the (sexual) chemistry and he kind of felt my coldness. I said so over a text and has texted me pretty much non stop since Sunday. It was shitty from me, I guess, and I kind of feel forced to be fake nice, and he comes up with this manipulative shit: “Going by the emoticons, I see you look pretty and vibrant today. That makes me miss you all the more”. And it aches my heart please help.
Blargh do not let him force you to “fake nice.” Ain’t nobody got time for that. Can you mute the number? Yes, it feels mean, but your time/happiness/emotional energy is worth something too.
Or, alternatively, sympathetic hugs for a crappy situation!
Boooo, that dude, and good on you for telling him that you’re not feeling it. I would suggest texting something along the lines of “Sorry, I’m still not feeling this. Please do not text me again. Best of luck to you” (if you feel you must) and then muting/blocking the hell out of him because fuck that. Because what if a real friend is about to text you a picture of a cute dog or cat or flower or ANYTHING ELSE UNDER THE SUN but you’re paying attention to that passive aggressive nonsense?
tl;dr: ffffffff
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE.
This is so much manipulative, passive-aggressive bullshit on his part that I just cannot even.
You don’t owe this guy anything. You were seeing him for a few dates, and then you realized that you aren’t into him. That is exactly what dating is FOR. You do not have to feel guilty for getting to know someone a little better and deciding “Hey, I’m not really into this dude”.
Don’t allow this guy any more space in your head/phone/life. You don’t want to see him any more. You don’t want to read his bullshit passive-aggressive texts any more. You want him to be gone from your life. All of that is a) normal, b) fine, and c) well within your rights as a living, breathing, human person.
The next time he texts you, send him a short message saying “I am not feeling this. Please do not text me any more”, and then DO NOT RESPOND TO ANYTHING HE SAYS OR TEXTS AFTER THAT. A short status update of this kind is all you “owe” him (if you can really owe anyone anything after a few dates), and once you have sent it, feel free to ignore whatever passive-agressive, bullshit inveiglements he sends your way.
PS – DON’T respond to him after you have sent the “Fuck off forever” text message. If you respond after however many whiny texts he sends you, he will know that it just takes 20 or so texts to get you to respond to him. DO NOT give him your attention once you have told him to leave you alone. You seriously do not owe it to him, and you don’t want to be giving it, so don’t.
Also, it’s not shitty of you to stop seeing someone because you don’t feel sexual chemistry with them. That’s a good, 110% valid reason to stop seeing someone, in fact.
You don’t owe him anything. Not even niceness. It’s good to be polite, but it’s not on you. I think you can say, “I wish you all the best, but I think it’s better for both of us if you stop contacting me. I won’t be responding to your texts anymore. Take care.” Then don’t respond no matter what. I’d block his number too. Its not cold to want to stop chatting with someone you don’t want to know any further.
Maybe for next time, you learned to break up with people in person or over the phone, but you don’t have to let your guilt hold you hostage!
Guys, I saw him a couple of days ago! He brought me flowers and dinner and then I was all Ice Queen and still let him go. I felt bad for like 3 seconds and then felt like something lifted off my chest, and I am all better now. Thanks.
The Supernatural Season 11 finale is tonight and I am BESIDE MYSELF after the damn clip they shared yesterday. Cassssssssss.
So I’m beginning the process for applying to grad school to get my Master of Public Administration. Any Toasties that can give me advice/horror stories? I have a background in development for public libraries, and it seems the MPA is a better way to go than getting my MLIS? I’ve been down the library job search road before and it is dark and full of terrors.
I have one of those! I’ve heard the MPA/MPPA described as “an MBA for public sector-types” and I think that’s pretty accurate. It’s served me well so far; I have a research job in the public sector. Do you know what kind of work you’ll be looking for once you’re done? Something library-adjacent, or will you be going in a different direction?
I moved cities a year ago and ended up getting a job at a non-library nonprofit, working in development and programming. Ideally I’d get something library-adjacent, or literacy related. I guess my problem is that for 6 years my plan has been to get my MLIS because I loved working in libraries and am passionate about it. But I’m doing very well here, too, and am enjoying it more than I thought I would. The MPA seems so much more broadly useful that if I can get back into libraries, cool, but if I can’t I won’t be wasting my time or education. I’m glad to hear that it has served you well! Was it very financially stressful for you? That’s the second thing I’m stressing about. And also my GRE scores just expired so I have to take it again, lol.
So, MPA/MPPA programs are pretty geared toward government work – they tend to focus on theories of public sector management, policy analysis, etc. But if you want to keep working in nonprofits, there’s definitely room within an MPA/MPPA program to make the work relevant to those interests. When I started my program, i thought I wanted to do advocacy work, so I did lots of fun research on things like civic engagement, and influencing the policy agenda. I have friends who have MPPAs and have done really well in their careers in NGOs. I don’t know very much about library jobs. My organization has a big library, and while some of the library positions list an MPPA as “nice to have”, an MLIS is an absolute requirement.
I received full scholarships from my university, as well as guaranteed TA jobs that would cover my basic life expenses. I really didn’t want to go into more debt for grad school, so I applied to a bunch of schools and went to the one that threw me the most money. I think it’s only worth going into debt if you know for sure that it will qualify you for specific jobs that you want to do/that pay well. Where I am (Canada), an MPA/MPPA is a requirement for lots of the public sector jobs I would want to do. For that reason alone, I am really glad I have it.
I think you’re right about it being a pretty broadly useful degree! In addition to gov’t and nonprofit work, I think it can be helpful if you ever want to get into policy research or government relations in the private sector.
Ahhhh you’re so wonderful. 🙂 Thank you for all the info! The program I’m looking at has a nonprofit management track, so that’s what I would be doing. I’m going to end up in a little bit of debt, because I’ll need to be working full-time while doing the program (so no TA/GA opportunity for me), but it’s nice to know that there are scholarships out there. I really really appreciate you!!
Happy to help, although it sounds like you know what you’re doing! A nonprofit management track sounds AWESOME! I would have loved that.
In my experience in the NYC nonprofit sector, MBAs are way more respected than MPAs. I think they should absolutely not be, but they are.
Guys i had a dream last night that Nicole bought a house in Queens to be used as a Toastie hangout space and I went to New York to visit the house and all y’all were already there and painting murals all over the house <3
I live in Queens and am strongly in favor of this coming to pass. Please? I’ll bring the snacks!
Toast! It was my birthday yesterday. One gift was tickets to a show that I felt very conflicted about attending (written by Woody Allen). Through the grace of the birthday gods, my guilt was not to last. The show was so bad that, within the first thirty minutes, my entire group walked out.
NICE. And happy belated birthday! 😀
P.S. What show?
Thanks! Have you ever heard of Bullets Over Broadway? It features a ten minute song about having sex with a “hot dog”.
Dear food-minded toasties:
What are some delicious!!! soft foods you have eaten (or fed someone) after oral surgery? My partner might be getting his wisdom teeth out, and I think eating yogurt and smoothies for a week will put both of us in a bad mood. I ate rice gruel while watching my family eat Christmas dinner so I can’t go off my experiences. So far I have:
* Mashed potatoes
* Overcooked mac and cheese
* Scrambled eggs
* ??? shrimp linguine without shrimp
Thank you!!
When I had oral surgery I ate a lot of very soft scrambled eggs. I wouldn’t go for a the pasta, just because you still kind of have to chew it. I was living with my parents at the time and they did a lot of very thick stew type things that were very good but also very soft, like beef or chicken stew. If your partner is vegetarian, perhaps the softest tofu you can find?
ooh! beef stew sounds good! for. him. of course.
and good call on my overoptimism with the overcooked pasta. we are still pre-surgery (teeth sprouted out from nowhere) and he informed me that he just tried eating the overcooked mac and cheese i made him and ended up sadly swallowing every bite without chewing.
thank you!!
I ate mostly soups and rice pudding after getting mine out. I got sick of smoothies so we ordered a lot of Chinese takeout so I could get egg drop soup and tofu.
oh, i will take full advantage of your takeout idea once he is doped up from drugs because i always want takeout but that is not his kind of trashfood. thank you!
I just had oral surgery two weeks ago! Here’s what I ate a lot of:
-well-cooked pasta with parmesan or other not-chunky cheese
-cream cheese-and-jelly sandwiches
-yogurt with honey
-ice cream (duh!)
-tomato soup with small bits of bread soaking it in
thank you! i didn’t even think about super soft sandwiches or mini sandwiches in soup.
Smoothies are good, and those “diet” drinks for getting protein and what not. After I dislocated my jaw, I’d just hold my nose and chug one of those every day. But I was on a liquid diet for 6 months, so nutrition became more important than taste. I also ate lots of cream of <veggie> soup. And fish was fairly easy to eat, since it can be mushed rather than chewed for the most part.
I would advise… caution about eggs. I had scrambled eggs for my first meal after my wisdom teeth were out, and my stitches absorbed the flavor. Literally everything had that vaguely sulfuric eggy taste until the stitches disintegrated. (Unfortunately, I don’t have any positive examples to offer. I hope things go better for your partner.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay roger that no eggs for a bit
Cold pureed soups are nice- leek & potato, borsch, gaspatzo (although I’d wait a little on that what with the vinegar).
oh! that is a thing i keep forgetting is a thing. would go well with the sudden shift to swamp weather we got today. thank you!
After a pretty big jaw surgery a couple years ago I lived mostly on soup and baby food, which was actually pretty tasty. And if I remember correctly, my parents pureed me my favourite broccoli-ground meat sauce once I could eat soft pasta. There might have been a lot more pureed food, actually. After a while you’re just not that picky when it comes to presentation.
i just told him about some baby shower game we played at work involving baby food and he was justly horrified. i look forward to sneaking some into his diet and atoning with pureed meat sauce, which i think he would actually like thank you!!
After my gum surgery, I ate yogurt and those squeezy packs of baby food for a week. It wasn’t the best, but I think the onslaught of active cultures actually helped with some stomach issues I’d had for a long time.
when I had my wisdom teeth out, I ate:
smoothies (pureed very smooth and thin, NO STRAWS) + protein powder
applesauce
mashed up avocados with a little salt and pepper
pureed soup
I’d stay away from anything with any amount of chewing, including overcooked pasta and eggs.
mashed potatoes and gravy was my favorite post wisdom teeth.
I’ve never had wisdom teeth but when I had a whole bunch of cavities filled recently, I bought noodle soup from the Korean place in my neighborhood the day before and left it in the fridge overnight so the noodles got soft enough to smash against the roof of my mouth with my tongue.
! yes! i normally throw a (internal) tantrum when this happens but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. thank you!
I lived on corned beef mashed up with potatoes after getting my wisdom teeth out.
My body interpreted the extra protein/iron/fat from the corned beef as the most delicious food in the world ever.
Smashed bananas — just smash it up with a fork on a plate.
Milkshakes
Applesauce.
When I had mono last year, I ate all soft foods and I’m trying to think of more. I really think, though, that I just had milkshakes for a month…
My v first post-wisdom-teeth food was a piece of very soft havarti, “chewed” by smushing it against the roof of my mouth with my tongue. But my dedication to cheese is higher than that of most. Other than that, popsicles (since it was summer) and many noodles.
Never underestimate the healing power of a good custard.
When I had mine out, I ate so many mashed potatoes i was actually sick of them by the end. So when my husband had his out, I did make a vat of mashed potatoes but also a big batch of tomato soup. Refried beans, really well mashed, were also a nice change of pace for him. Pressure cooked potatoes, cabbage, and carrots also work nice because they get nice and mushy and delicious. Egg drop soup is also a very easy option with plenty of protein. Good luck to your partner!
I had prepared by getting lots of jello and some carnation instant breakfast. I found that the jello was too tough to chew for the first three or four days. So I drank a lot of carnation instant breakfast and got REAL HUNGRY. I wish I had known about protein powder back then (I really like the 365 brand from whole foods; it tastes good and mixes with water / milk very easily). I tried to eat baby food a couple times but it was just way too disgusting. Mashed potatoes sounds like a good plan!
Orzo, cooked a little too long in chicken broth till it’s a bit porridge-like, or mixed with some parmesan and a little garlic. Vegetable purees like celeriac or parsnips, with or without some cream. You can brown them in the oven and add some grated cheese if they feel too much like babyfood.
Chocolate pudding (homemade or storebought; Trader Joe’s has a delicious one).
when i have mouth issues (i get a lot of canker sores. tmi?) i rely heavily on baked puddings/custards with a starch in them — rice pudding, bread pudding, etc. i find that they’re solid enough to fill me up and have enough protein from the dairy/eggs to keep me going, but also are soft enough that i can just kind of squish them with my tongue before swallowing. plus i like sweet things when i feel down so eating something that tastes like dessert but is not, in fact, all that sugary and can function as a real meal is the dream. if you/your partner do not like sweet things, bread puddings can be made deliciously savory! and if you are feeling adventurous souffles are great and feel like a treat.
my mom has had a lot of oral surgeries and she relies on stew-y things that can be cooked until very mushy, like curry, beef stew, etc — she makes rice to go under them for my dad and eats them as a sort of bowl of goo for herself.
Pudding! Also, once I was a few days out, tuna that had been mushed up really well with a fork. (Without pickles or anything added.)
When I had my wisdom teeth pulled (all 4 at once, so impacted they had to break the teeth inside my jaw…), my dad brought my pate de foie gras. Soft & delicious.
I had wisdom tooth surgery three weeks ago! Here is what I liked: applesauce, stewed rhubarb (applesauce and stewed rhubarb together is most delicious!), greek yogurt with both of the above, cream of cauliflower soup (don’t make a lot, I got sick of it pretty quick), ramen with overcooked noodles and a poached egg, really squishy french toast. I found that I missed salty food really quickly, so if you make savoury food, err on the side of salty! You can soak toast or bread in soup so it goes squidgy. Oh, and chocolate mousse for dessert.
Also: if his painkillers have opiates in them, alternate them with ones that don’t. TMI, but I got terrible constipation from too much panadeine (tylenol plus codeine).
So last night, I wanted a Discworld book to reread, and thought, “How about Night Watch, I haven’t read that one in a while?”
I had completely forgotten that the date in the book is May 25th. I’m glad I’ll be reading Night Watch on the day it happens, so to speak.
Can we have a Discworld thread in commemoration? What are your favorite books, who are your favorite characters, what authors help to fill the void that Terry Pratchett’s passing has left in the world?
I love the witches, and Carpe Jugulum is one of my favorites because of all the vampire references. Also because it works perfectly as Twilight satire, even though it was written a decade before Twilight.
I’m re-reading now and liking the City Watch books a lot more than I did the first time around. Probably because I know where they’re going and it took me a while to properly fall in love with Sam Vimes.
Mostly, i’m just re-reading Discworld to fill the Pratchett void, though I’ve started branching into his other word. I read Nation somewhat recently and am going to pick up his short story collection eventually. He wrote a lot!
I have been re-reading Carpe Jugulum this week; it is definitely one of my favourites. I love Granny Weatherwax; her definition of sin in that book (“when you treat people as things. Including yourself”) is so succinct and accurate.
I have been using that definition a lot in my life, and it’s helping me.
My favourite books are probably the Tiffany Aching ones. Favourite characters are Sam Vimes, Tiffany Aching, and Moist Von Lipwig. My single favourite book is probably Going Postal. It could also be Thief of Time. It’s been at least a decade since I read Thief last though, and only about five years since Going Postal, sooo I don’t know.
I’ve been meaning to re-read the discworld books. There are so many that I haven’t touched since I first read them as a young teen.
Edit: A possible author to fill the void: Dianna Wynne Jones. I recently read Deep Secret and loooved it. It has a sort of similar tongue-in-cheek vibe to it I think. I almost feel like it was a shame she only wrote two adult books (except then she would not have written so many children’s books and I do not wish fewer DWJ books on younger ballisticjaguar).
The Dark Lord of Derkholm is another good DWJ! It’s really cool because it worked well for me when I was a kid (wizards! dragons!) and well for me as an adult (LARPing! The rich world is using the poorer world as a playground!).
Is it weird that I had a crush on Kit when I was young? I completely ignored the fact that he was a… uhm… gryphon…
Huh. That happens to be one of the very few DWJ books I have not yet read! Will check it out. (I kinda took a pause on her books after she died because I wanted the few I had left to read to last)
Favorite Books:
–Small Gods
–Reaper Man (which is SO HARD to reread, I cried at the end even harder than I normally do)
–Night Watch
–Thud (does anyone else cry over the Thyngs that Tak Wrote? or is it just me?)
–Monstrous Regiment
–The Wee Free Men
–Wintersmith
–Maskerade
–Unseen Academicals
–Guards, Guards (if one ignores the early-installment weirdness and focuses on the Sam and Sybil)
–Making Money
–oh god what was the fist Moist von Lipwig book called again
–A Hat Full of Sky
Favorite Characters
–Granny Weatherwax
–Nanny Ogg
–Magrat
–Agnes/Perdita
–TIFFANY LAND-UNDER-WAVE ACHING
–Sam Vimes
–Sybil Vimes
–Carrot
–Angua
–Rincewind
–Death
–Ponder Stibbons
–Susan
–Otto von Chriek
–Polly Oliver
–Maladict
–The Great God Om (holy horns)
–Brutha
And this reply is already too long.
I loved the Tiffany Aching books as a kid, and I am tempted to check out a Terry Pratchett book every time I see one at the library, but I don’t know where to start with Discworld. Any recommendations?
You can’t go wrong with the Witches of Lancre. Try “Carpe Jugulum” or “Wyrd Sisters.”
Ooh ok! I will look for those! Now I have the new-book-excitement wiggles!
Don’t forget “Witches Abroad,” my favorite of the Witch books. Road trip! So much Greebo! And the way Granny W beats the voodoo witch is quite possibly the most badass thing we ever see her do.
A+ to the Witches. Nanny Ogg is THE BEST. I’d also recommend Hogfather, Night Watch, and Going Postal as decent entry points. The great thing is that you don’t really need to read them in order, as he’s really good at making them stand alone within the world, even with books that are directly connected (e.g., Men At Arms, Night Watch, etc.). You can read things out of order and they still are great and make sense.
I would recommend Hogfather, it’s one of the best books I’ve read about Christmas. Death is also one of the best characters in the books and is a fun protagonist. 🙂
All the recommendations above are great, but if you personally like reading things in order, which I do, here are the best entry points:
For the witches’ story arc: Wyrd Sisters
For the watchmen arc: Guards! Guards!
For the Death and family arc: Mort
Small Gods is a good early standalone. Going Postal is the starting point for the Moist Von Lipwig books, but those books start well into the overall timeline of the world.
I’m not as much a fan of the Rincewind books, and would not recommend starting with those.
IMO, you can skip anything with Rincewind.
Going to third this rec to skip Rincewind. I think it’s a pretty widely held view that his books are not as good as the rest partly because Rincewind works best as a side character rather than main character.
Thank you for asking the question I planned to randomly search out at the library, thus enabling me to just order the books I want instead!
Someone made a helpful Reading Order Guide:
http://www.lspace.org/books/reading-order-guides/…
If you already know and love the Tiffany Aching books, starting with the Witches books is a good idea. I also like to recommend people start with Guards Guards! because it’s close enough to a standard who-done-it that I think it’s an easy way to get introduced to the world.
And I have to say that I’m a little jealous that you’re getting to read his catalogue for the first time. I’ve read all his books more than once and I’m still so sad that we won’t ever get another new one from him. That man died with so many stories to tell.
Eee there’s a diagram!! This is awesome, I’m going to start with the Witches arc because the “entry” book is in at the library down the street.
Thank you so much! I’m so looking forward to working my way through all his books.
I am definitely also here for recommendations for someone who loved everything Pratchett.
I dug out my Discworld books recently (how do I not own them all?? clearly I’ve gone very wrong) and am looking forward to rereading from the beginning.
Also when I was in middle school I had a huge crush on Lord Vetinari for some reason.
Well he’s pretty great. I feel like our initial introduction to him is through the exceedingly unreliable POV of Rincewind, and I know that biased me unfavorably for a while until I realized how wrong he was about just about everything.
I love the witches. If I ever get a tattoo, it will be on both forearms, Granny Weatherwax on one side, Nanny Ogg on the other. Lords and Ladies is my favourite of those books.
For minor characters, my boyfriend is German and a professional photographer, so I have a growing soft spot for Otto von Chriek because that’s how my boyfriend sounds every time he gets excited about light and filters.
I have a friend with Nac Mac Feegle tattoos on her calves, and they are awesome. Discworld tattoos are an excellent choice.
i thought of it a couple days ago when I walked by a fragrant lilac bush, but couldn’t recall the date!
My last reread was Guards! Guards! It might be my favorite in the Funny Jokes bracket, but after all the other Watch books I appreciate it more as an exercise in “wow, so much has changed, but all the foundations are there.”
Yessssss Discworld. I’m torn between “Feet of Clay” and “The Truth” as my favorite book. However, I’m ride or die for Granny Weatherwax. She is so conflicted and flinty and Good in a terrible way. Also she likes bees.
I still haven’t read the last couple Discworld books- I barely got through through “Snuff.” Besides, it makes me happy that there are Pterry books I still haven’t read.
The Granny/Nanny friendship is one of the greatest examples in literature of how two very different people can be friends and make each other better.
Yes, this x 1000.
Granny Weatherwax is one of the best fictional characters of ALL TIME, I will endorse this. So proud and stubborn and constitutionally a nasty piece of work, and so determined to be right and do the right thing! For whatever cold satisfaction that may give!
I wish I could remember the precise wording, but there was a line about her in one of the short stories in A Blink of the Screen to the effect of “You worked hard and denied yourself things and all it got you was a life of hard work and self-denial.” I had to put the book down for a couple seconds after that. The rest of that collection was kinda lackluster – Pratchett clearly wasn’t a short-story type of guy – but geez, it was worth the price of admission for the Granny story alone.
I love these books so much! My favorite characters, tied, are Susan Sto Helit and Tiffany Aching. (I’m actually putting off reading the last Tiffany Aching book because I know it will be the last, and now i’m sad again). I also love Sam and Sybil Vimes, DEATH, and of course all the witches. Oh! And the Librarian.
My favorite book is The Hogfather, and for my birthday a few years ago my brother got me a hardcover, signed special edition and I love it so much. (We also have it on DVD and watch it around Christmas each year.) I love so many of them so much, I love rereading the different thread in order, especially the Night Watch ones.
Yea, I’ve avoided the Shepherd’s Crown because there will be tears and I am opposed to sad feels.
It is sad feels but with good feels mixed in. He knew what he was doing, that man.
“My favorite characters, tied, are Susan Sto Helit and Tiffany Aching. (I’m actually putting off reading the last Tiffany Aching book because I know it will be the last, and now i’m sad again). I also love Sam and Sybil Vimes, DEATH, and of course all the witches. Oh! And the Librarian.”
Signed, S&S.
I’m currently pondering buying the Shepherd’s Crown at last, but I know I will cry when I have it in my hands. I will be devastated for days and need to plan for this.
I think my all-time favourite will always be Guards! Guards! because of this vein of deep tragedy running underneath it.
You will cry. Just don’t read it in public.
Granny and Vimes are my absolute faves and are contenders for my favorite characters ever. Nanny Ogg runs a close second. And Sam and Sibyl are one of the greatest romances ever written as far as I am concerned.
My favorite stand alone is either Small Gods (I have seriously considered getting the two commandments of Om tattooed on myself: I. THIS IS NOT A GAME II. HERE AND NOW, YOU ARE ALIVE.) or Reaper Man. Haven’t read Monstrous Regiment or the Tiffany Aching Series yet, need to get on that. But I also don’t want to run out of Pratchett books.
Night Watch may be the best Discworld book, in addition to being on of the smartest things ever written on the subject of revolutions. But no one should read it until they have gotten to know Sam Vimes and Ankh-Morpork , that’s very important.
I am never going to get over missing Sir Terry. His books made me a better human. I’m glad we commemorate him on this day.
YES SMALL GODS. It’s such a happy book for all the subject material.
I honestly consider Pratchett the greatest writer of the past century, and one of the greatest in the English language. Favorite books:
-Reaper Man, because of the balance between the humour in the Windle Poons storyline and the beautifully moving Bill Door storyline
-Guards! Guards!
-Night Watch
-Wyrd Sisters (I love the Watch and the witches, and these ones are especially well-written, hilarious and/or moving)
-The Last Continent, because it’s the closest we get to a purely wizards-led book and I love their bickering
-Hogfather, because the entire last section from the dog chase onwards may be the most beautiful piece of writing in literature
That part in Reaper Man always chokes me up, specifically the line: “What can the harvest hope for, lord, if not the care of the reaper man”
As for me, my favorite books are Going Postal, Thief of Time, and Small Gods. Maybe Guards! Guards! too.
My very favorite characters are Death, Vetinari, and Granny, though Vimes is climbing the ranks, and there are so many wonderful ones.
I’ve found that Ursula Vernon’s books help, all about sensible people dealing with insensible worlds, a belief in basic goodness, and clever humor.
“sensible people dealing with insensible worlds, a belief in basic goodness, and clever humor.”
Yes. I love this. I love Vernon in the same way I loved DWJ.
My favorite Discworld book is Thief of Time. That said, The Shepherd’s Crown might beat it. Shepherd’s Crown is the only book to date that has made me actually cry, as opposed to just tear up a little. That scene! (If you’ve read it, you know which one!) And then again, with the afterword.
My favorite characters are so, so many. Susan and Granny and Tiffany, obviously. But also Vimes, and Sybill, and Angua. Probably my favorite in aggregate are the Watch, with the Witches close behind.
My absolute favorite Pratchett book, though, isn’t one of the Discworld books, it’s Nation. I actually feel like Nation and The Shepherd’s Crown are wonderful and tragic bookends of each other, in a lot of ways, since they both feel significantly more personal than the rest of his work.
This is appropriately timed, since I finally brought myself to read the last Pratchett book last week. I was a little nervous about it, because I know most of his recent books were heavily edited/ghostwritten as he became more and more ill – BUT it was amazing. It’s clear that if he had had more time, the book would have been longer and parts of the story more developed, but (trying not to spoiler) the subject/characters on which the book spends the most time are the ones I most wanted to read about in a final novel from him.
Overall, my favorites are Hogfather (the first one I read, which is now falling apart), Wyrd Sisters, Thief of Time, and (most recently) the Tiffany Aching books, which I reread in preparation for the last one. I also have a soft spot for Masquerade, because I work in theatre.
If any MA Pratchett fans are out there – Medusa Brewery in Hudson, MA cycles through carrying a Sir Terry and a Good Omens brew. Can’t recall the styles. Anyways, would meet total strangers for Pratchett and beer there….<cough> <cough><duck>
I’ve said this before: Reaper Man, now and always.
[perks up at this]
Columbus area toasties! Anyone else want to meet up? Maybe for coffee or brunch Sunday, June 5 or something in the early evening one day that weekend?
Hello! I’m out of town that weekend, but I’d love to do a meet up soon. I’m also on the slack channel (for coordinating efforts)
I will get myself together email for slack invite. From home.
If/when you join slack, we have a #_toastieohio channel. It’s not super active, but there are 3 of us from Columbus on there so it may be easier to coordinate in one place rather than right here.
Sounds good. thx.
Friends!!!! The “Con Or Bust” auction is back for another year, and bidding is up at http://con-or-bust.org/2016/05/bidding-now-live-o… !!
It’s a great effort to help POC get to SFF cons that would be otherwise priced out of possibility. This is their main source of funds for the year. I scored some super great books last year, and I highly encourage you to check it out!
Yesterday I was on the subway and a white man was wandering around asking every person of color in the area if reverse racism was real and I just… can you not??
I hope you gave him the stinkiest stink eye!
Everyone near me (including myself) stink-eyed him to hell, and a few people were like “buddy why would you think this is appropriate at all” but this did not deter him for some reason.
“this did not deter him for some reason.”
White dudes.
WHAT THE SHIT
uggggggggggghhhhhhh
Noooooo. Come on. What line?!
Also making random people be representatives for their entire race….not at all racist.
Yeah exactly. It would still have been icky if he was asking everyone, but targeting people based on race and asking them to be a representative is SO MUCH WORSE.
This was the L platform at union square. I attempted to liveblog it in the slack as best as I could with the weird sporadic internet access down there.
Damn the L. Also all NYC subways. I miss the LA subway.
Anyone else here who also reads/read Jezebel? This morning, the sidebar linked to this jewel of an article: http://jezebel.com/294383/have-you-ever-beat-up-a…
And I recognize that they published this in 07, the writer left two years ago, and I haven’t seen them do something similar since. But god, it’s so many shades of terrible that I really don’t feel like ever reading the site again. Thoughts?
I prefer that kind of terrible thing to the kind of terrible things they’re posting now I think
Oh God.
If I read this somewhere else I’d think it was a pitch-perfect parody of the Jez writing style because it is exactly the sort of thing certain people say Jez is 100% of the time.
Also that was my favorite website three much better websites ago, what am I going to do without the toast, am I going to have to go back into that pit? Everyone I loved there left and yet also this piece is from that era so?!?
It has me pretty upset. I’ve mostly left Jez for the Toast, but I’ll still check it out if I’m reading Kotaku/Muse articles. But I’m getting to the point where I want to say screw it to all Gawker affiliates and walk away. Even though that’s the first place I ever commented =(
I have no idea where to go after the Toast. I used to read the Mary Sue for fandom, and feministing for feminism but neither of those are actually very good, and both seem to have gotten worse. Maybe I’ll spend more time cultivating my tumblr feed?
Everything is upsetting and nothing is okay.
This showed up on mine yesterday!! And yyyiiiikes. But yeah, I stopped reading Jez regularly long ago.
That is how I feel every third time I go to Jezebel. And then I don’t go for a few months. Wasn’t it brand new in 2007?
Are there any other Hold Steady fans around? Boys and Girls in America is my favorite album in the world, ever ever, and the band announced earlier this month that they were reuniting with their pianist to play a set of shows for the tenth anniversary of the album. I was and am overwhelmed with joy. But then they only announced TWO shows, both of them at a punk festival, which is not really my scene. I am waiting with breath bated for the rest of the tour dates.
Ah! Yes! The Hold Steady!! I saw them twice when they came to Boston/Northampton a few years ago, and it was a really fun show both times. The Drive-By Truckers opened for them in Boston though, and that part wasn’t so great. I also would not want to go to a punk festival to see them – I guess the Hold Steady is as punk as I get, and they’re… not very?
🙂 i am a…recovering hold steady fan, i guess i would say. i like boys and girls in america and everything before it, and i liked heaven is whenever, but i also feel like they’re just recycling the same material over and over and it’s less good now than it used to be. (sorry not sorry?) but, i also saw them play b+gia the first time around and it was an amazing, intimate, raucous show, and i hope they give you some viable dates!
I want to be a red lipstick person, but I can never find a color that seems to work. Everything seems to skew HOT 80S PINK on me (which of course is a fabulous look but when that’s not exactly what you’re going for, it’s a bit disconcerting). Anyone else have this problem, or have any recommendations?
I have kind of a fair, neutral/cool complexion. The most I’ve ever dared go with in the past with bright colors is very sheer products, or lip gloss. Everything else just looks garish. Help?
I have the turns-pink problem sometimes. My theory is that my personal chemical makeup does it–too much acid in my system, maybe? Look for shades with brown or blue undertones.
This one stays red on me: http://www.nyxcosmetics.com/matte-lipstick/NYX_00…
(color is Alabama, in case the link doesn’t catch that part)
I love Ruby Woo MAC lipstick, and I’m partial to Colourpop’s Bitchette. Not sure if either is what you are looking for!
And I like the formula of lipsticks from the Sephora collection. I hope you find the red of your dreams!
Russian Red by MAC is a nice blue-red tone, though it gets dry easily. I love sephora’s cream lip stain. Unless you eat something very oily, it stays on TO DEATH, and it’s a gorgeous true red. Also: only $14, smells like red velvet cupcakes, makes you look like a femme fatale.
Spendy but beautiful (her entire range is great actually but these ones pack a colour punch). The colour is super rich so it hopefully won’t veer to pink… https://www.lipstickqueen.com/velvet-rope.html
Seconding finding something that skews a little blue (I also think it makes my teeth look whiter, fwiw).
As for feeling a little garish, some of this might be how much lipstick can change your face. I love a bright lip but found myself going more soft berry and nude in the fall and when I pulled back out my beloved bright lipsticks I had a few days where I felt wrong. Spend some time wearing bright lipstick around the house and out for low stakes errands. Take a few selfies and revisit them after a few days. If you’re going red you can also usually get away with blotting the lipstick heavily and basically just having a light stain of color as a nice starting point to get yourself used to more color.
I have this problem too! Anything that looks like a true bright red in the tube ends up too pink when I put it on, so I usually end up going with something slightly darker/cooler toned. A few shades that have worked on me:
theBalm Meet Matt(e) Hughes liquid lipstick in Loyal
Besame lipstick in 1945
NARS Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Cruella
I used to think I wasn’t a red lipstick person but I transformed myself into one by wearing it a lot, basically. You may want to try more orange-coral reds if they keep pulling pink on you. If you prefer a glossy texture, this one here is a favorite:
http://beautybomber.com/shop/real-colors-hydra-gl…
It’s vivid, firmer than a lipgloss, less drying than lipstick.
I like Clinique’s “Black Honey” Almost Lipstick, which is basically like tinted lip gloss (except not that glossy): the color is not quite as dense. I thought it was specifically made for my (medium brown, golden undertones) complexion, but the lady at the Clinique stand recently told me that absolutely everyone looks good with it. Worth a shot.
lots of reds have pink pigments in their composition. the trick is to go for reds that look more dull like bricks or dark terra cotta clay. then you put them on, and they actually look red.
Ooh yeah, I have to go for the slightly orange tinted ones to avoid this, but I also have copper hair so it works. I don’t remember the exact shade, but I love my Nars lipstick – it looks the same from tube to face.
Those of you who are working parents–how did you handle going back to work after your leave ended? I’m going back a week from today, which will be 12 weeks, and although I’m incredibly excited to be back in the grown up world and doing adult things, I don’t feel at all ready to leave my kid behind for 11 hours a day, even though it’s with my husband (who is taking 6 weeks family leave when I go back). I’m sure my kid will be just fine! But I’m not sure I will be. Any advice to make the transition easier? Going back part time or working from home is not an option unfortunately.
If you can make it work, try gradually increasing the amount of time away. So a half day first, then a full day. It is wonderful to be out in the grown up world and to talk to folks who can talk back – don’t be ashamed to admit it is great to be back but also, conversely, don’t be ashamed to admit that it is hard. I struggled with a vague sense of guilt towards everyone (kid, stay-at-home parents – including my partner, work folks) for years. (Confession: still suffering several years later) but the kid will be fine. It will be great for your husband and you. Repeat the mantra: you will all be fine.
or try: Did you know the children of working mothers have advantages later in life ?
It’s hard! My only practical advice is to get your husband to send lots of pictures throughout the day. And just know it’s normal to feel ambivalent. I feel like there can be a narrative that if you don’t feel fabulous about going back and being Work Superwoman, you’re betraying feminism, or whatever, and that’s just not true. I think many, if not most, moms* I know would love a part-time schedule when their kids are babies, and it’s a shame that it’s rarely an option.
*A lot of dads, too, though this depends how much they’ve internalized the male=breadwinner role.
Does anybody have a rooftop bar in Manhattan to recommend, ideally one that isn’t $$$?
Gothamist’s list has prices in it (although they mostly seem expensive).
I like Refinery Rooftop and I don’t remember it being awful, but it’s still a midtown hotel bar, ya know? :-\
That looks pretty!
It’s super pretty! I don’t know what the crowd is like at night or at like..popular drinking times (?!) but I went on a summer Sunday late afternoon once when my parents stayed there and it was very quiet and nice.
The LaQuinta Inn on 32nd St.! Take the elevator up, great view of the Empire State Building.
So many of those chain hotels in midtown have great bars! I was looking around for a place to do Happy Hour before meeting up with friends for karaoke, and ended up at the freaking Holiday Inn because they had a sign advertising $5 whiskey drinks. The super cute back patio was a bonus. Plus you get to eavesdrop on the tourists’ conversations 🙂
I would not have suspected! Thanks.
Take this with a grain of salt, since I was there in January (for Hamilton!!) and the rooftop wasn’t open. But I stayed at Pod 39, and their indoor bar/food area (Salvation Taco) was delightful and not too expensive by East Coast standards, and the *photos* of the rooftop make me want to be there:
http://www.thepodhotel.com/pod-hotel-entertainmen…
I had a cocktail at the bar that I desperately want to drink again.
FLY BY NIGHT
gin, lemon, cinnamon-vanilla syrup, orange blossom, sea salt
Which I think I might be able to replicate: http://www.coolhunting.com/food-drink/the-vanishi…
Last night I went to a standup comedy show. The opener was some white dude who wasn’t very funny. He called me Rachel Maddow. I think he meant it as a dig but I was very flattered.
No, that’s awesome. I love her style.
I feel like “white dudes who aren’t very funny” are… entirely too large of a portion of stand-up. My boyfriend is a fan and his taste is generally fine but overall I have a hard time getting into it.
Fortunately he was the only unfunny white dude in the set. The next comic up was a black guy and the headliner was a black woman (I don’t know the standup scene at all so I couldn’t tell you anyone’s names), and they were both goddamn hilarious.
Yeah, I’m trying to decide what to go and see at the Edinburgh festival, and there are just… swathes of interchangeable young white male stand-ups with beards and cocky grins in the programme. I decided I’d only see white men I’m already actively a fan of this year, and feel v. good about ignoring all the Jacks and Russells (luckily, there are So. Damn. Many. comedians doing Edinburgh that there are multitudes of exciting new people to check out!)
I agree, it’s a dream of a compliment.
I’d love to be half as smart as Rachel Maddow. And half as attractive. Both you and Rachel have my admiration.
Mental Health Day success! I woke up energized, with loads of clarity, feeling creative & capable. I slept most of the day, but managed to clean the apartment and make a lovely asparagus & orange velouté. I didn’t even try to take a stab at any work emails. Moral of the story: when you feel like crap, take a sick day! You don’t need to have the flu to warrant a day off to heal.
Oh and I really enjoyed this article on the dude who tried to be the Edward Snowden of HSBC.
My favourite parts:
Another client questioned in the subsequent investigation recalled that when he wanted to make a deposit he would meet his account manager in a public place. “I would give him an envelope holding my money, in cash,” he explained. “And a few days later he would tell me by phone that the funds had been credited to my account in Switzerland.” H.S.B.C. has numerous offices in Paris, but, according to the French investigation, when the Swiss bankers visited clients there they preferred to meet in cafés; in a similar spirit of concealment, account holders used pay phones when making calls to Switzerland. One client pointed out that the furtive face-to-face meetings offered “a bit of reassurance about the money I had in Switzerland, since I had no documents or anything that attested to my having an account.” … A 2014 U.S. Senate report describes a Credit Suisse banker travelling to America to meet a client for breakfast at a Mandarin Oriental hotel, and passing along an issue of Sports Illustrated in which account statements were concealed between the pages.
Birkenfeld himself had provided a variety of “concierge” tax-evasion services: he once bought diamonds for an American client, then smuggled them into the U.S. inside a toothpaste tube. “This was an orchestrated money-laundering, tax-evasion machine,” Birkenfeld told me. “In Switzerland, you can do whatever you want. You want to walk in the door with a hundred million dollars? You can deposit it. Have a nice day. Never pay taxes again.”
I know tax evasion and money laundering and all that are Very Bad but I think I would really enjoy this lifestyle. “I wonder what my account balance is… better call my banker and have him fly out here so he can do a dead drop with my latest statement. I’ll tell him to get a new wig for the occasion.”
During the trial, Falciani taunted prosecutors by speaking at a conference in Divonne, a French spa town a mile from the Swiss border. The subject of the conference was “Investigative Journalism in the Time of WikiLeaks.” Falciani arrived unshaven, his dark hair slicked back, dressed in a black blazer and jeans. He had a tan, and as flashbulbs popped he had the self-conscious demeanor of a movie star at a première. “My action continues to be fruitful,” Falciani declared. “I’m working with administrations and investigators.” Although he had remained in France, he had joined a new Spanish political party, Partido X, and stood for election in the European Parliament, in 2014, on an anticorruption-and-transparency platform. (The Party won no seats.)
I was on Falciani’s side at first, but the more I read the less I have any idea what his motives actually are. He kinds reminds me of Fritz Duquesne from the American Hippos article; he’s do absolutely anything for attention.
Oh Toasts, I seek your wisdom. How do you deal with men (it is always men who do this to me, ymmv) who demand more of an emotional/social performance from you than you’re willing to give? I’ve got two coworkers who will ask me about life-outside-of-work stuff (e.g. the status of my house hunt, the status of my running injuries), and we are quasi-friendly but I don’t feel very comfortable with either of them, so I prefer to give shorter, factual responses. I don’t really want to get into lots of details, or in particular, give a big PERFORMANCE of my feelings about the topic. (ALSO, if I get into details they are likely to start nitpicking and questioning everything.)
They are never satisfied with this, and tend to keep staring at me expectantly, and if I don’t give up more they start interrogating WHY I’m not happy/sad/$FEELING and otherwise trying to extract more information and etc. It doesn’t help that with our office arrangement, they are usually standing in my cubicle entryway, literally cornering me.
As I write this I think I know that the answer is to say, out loud, “sorry, I don’t want to discuss this” but I have not been able to get myself to do this. I want to be civil with these people, I don’t want them to think I’m rude or mean or aloof, which I’ve been accused of in the past. And I feel guilty because their intentions are good, right? They’re checking in on how some difficult things in my life are going. When my friends ask me about these things I feel cared for and eager to talk. When these two men ask about these things I feel cornered and like I’m expected to entertain them.
Helllllp I just want to have boundaries and not feel like I’m constantly under a microscope 🙁
Ugh. That is BS. I don’t know why they feel entitled to stories about your personal life, but they’re clearly not asking out of concern. If it was genuine concern, they would let you be after you respond to their initial questions. I think you’re giving them too much credit by saying their intentions are good.
I would kill them with kindness and continue to give short, civil responses. Giving a dissertation about your personal life is not part of maintaining a pleasant office environment.
It’s comforting to hear someone else thinks this is BS, so thank you. The whole situation does feel… not entirely genuine. I will cherish this comment the next time I go into a tailspin of “why does this feel so bad, it must be because I am defective”
I find that a neutral or cheerful ‘Improved, thanks for asking.’ Immediately followed by a work related question will divert this sort of crap without seeming rude. YMMV. Nosy work dudes. Rage of a thousand suns.
Yeah. “How’s blah blah going?” “Oh not too bad, thanks. Although I am tired of thinking about it all the time! How’s your kid/the tps report/did you see the new flavor of coffee in the lobby store?”
Ooh good one, I should prepare some work-related questions to have on deck. Re-directs onto them and onto safer professional ground.
I mostly distract people with questions about themselves. This works magnificently, until you run into someone who does the same thing. Then it looks like a tennis batch filled with lobs.
Seconded. Asking coworkers about themselves is an excellent way to get out of having to tell them about yourself.
Like Jimmy Connors in that damn 1991 U.S. Open quarterfinal against Paul Haarhuis.
They are not really helping you if they make you uncomfortable, and they are not your friends, they are colleagues, so you are not going to feel the same eagerness to share with them. When this happens to me I smile blankly at the person and then go back to doing my work or if I don’t feel weirded out, just not into sharing, I’ll ask them a questions about themselves. If they keep prying, it is totally okay to enforce a boundary: “I don’t have anything else to say about that, thanks for your concern.” “That’s all there is, really.” “I have something else to do, see you later” “I need to spend my energy on work right now.” – you can be as curt or as gentle as you want.
thank you, that makes a lot of sense and “that’s all there is, really” in particular is something I feel like I’ll be able to say without feeling super brusque.
So the other direction to go is to bore them to TEARS. First figure out what you are willing to say and then more or less repeat it, in a near monotone, as though you are remembering new twists to the story every couple of sentences, when actually you are going around again, using slightly different vocabulary… and you can see how long you can go around? It is a known de-escalation technique, and it might help if it is easy for you to craft a long and boring narrative that juuuust barely touches on the question at hand.
Good luck though, because that sounds horrible – like they are trolling you for things to criticize.
ha! I don’t think I could pull this off but it’s definitely an appealing idea.
If we’re sharing links, I am in love with this interview with Sebastian Junger about PTSD and the relationship between civilians and the military. It is really, really interesting.
That last paragraph is fantastic.
I heard his NPR interview the other day and was pretty horrified by his maths and how he overlooked a lot of information that undermined the maths/thesis.
“http://www.npr.org/2016/05/21/478962909/sebastian-junger-s-examines-veteran-life-after-leaving-tribe”
JUNGER: Yes. I mean, one of the interesting statistics that I found was that with every war, you know, going back to the American Civil War, the percentage of casualties has gone down. But the disability rate has gone up. That’s both psychological disability and physical disability. The only thing I could think to explain this is that soldiers coming back to a society – that every generation is increasingly alienated from itself – increasingly conflicted – experience higher rates of trauma.
Among the several reasons there is a higher disability rate is that modern medicine has advanced enough to save a lot of veterans who would have died of their injuries in earlier wars.
That’s true, and I know from experience with my older relatives who fought in Vietnam or Korea or who survived a refugee experience in Germany in WWII that just because there’s no record of a problem doesn’t mean there isn’t one.
But. I think the comparison between Israel and America is worth looking at, and I also like his more holistic take on PTSD. People do struggle a lot with isolation and meaning in life – hell, I could find you examples in any given open thread – and I’ve got a Marine family member I could see reflected in a lot of what Junger’s talking about.
Yea, I’m all for a holistic approach – and a deeper dive into the lack of veteran support on pretty much all fronts, but I don’t think that America’s situation is comparable to Israel’s. That isn’t to say that near universal service doesn’t contribute to their lower PTSD rates but so much is not the same.
I just fundamentally cannot trust the conclusions of someone who glosses over or ignores key facts to make their point. “The only thing I could think to explain is…” I mean, that is pretty much relying on your gut/feels, as opposed to doing research.
Toasts, I would love to hear your thoughts and advice! I am almost four weeks out from my breast reduction and am doing really really great. Recovery went (knock wood!) super smooth, results are amazing, and I am feeling like 85%. BUT, my darling darling husband has been doing the vast majority of everything. And he’s been doing it cheerfully and taking amazing care of me, and would never grumble, but I know he’s feeling a bit worn down from being my constant caregiver. As I’m able, I’ve been taking on more of the house stuff, and I know we’ll reach our equilibrium soon, but how can I thank him? I’ve told him how much I appreciate him, but I’d love to be able to do something. How do you show appreciation for you partners? Thanks friends.
I’m so happy to hear that everything is going well! YAY! I don’t really have advice on showing appreciation for partners though. Make him a nice dinner of his favorite foods? Do you guys like sports? If so, maybe try to get tickets to see a game and make it a night about him? Or I guess you could do that with pretty much any interest- just dedicate a night or a saturday to doing something he really loves and that you can share together? Flowers?
Hooray for smooth surgery and recovery!
My occasional challenge with showing appreciation for my partners is that I’ll demonstrate the appreciation that *I* would like to receive rather than what they might want. So when I’m really trying to get it “right,” I try to think about of something that they’ve mentioned wanting to do more of, whether it would involve me or not. And then (and here’s where I can screw it right up), I plan that thing in a way that will work for them. I have one partner who digs surprises, so if I’m planning an evening out or something, she enjoys getting an itinerary that says, “We’re going to do something slightly dressy on Friday. Meet me at (insert name of favored coffee place) at 6 and we’ll go from there.” Another partner DOES NOT LIKE SURPRISES and feels anxious about not knowing what’s coming. She gets a much more detailed plan ahead of time.
Anyway, probably this isn’t particularly helpful, but the short version is, try to make sure that you’re offering appreciation/gratitude in a way that will make your partner feel awesome, which may differ from what makes you feel awesome. Goodness, that’s not at all useful, is it? Sheesh. 🙂
I would give Mr. LF instructions to go for a really long bike ride, without even taking the kid along, and maybe stop at the bar after, because that’s the sort of thing he likes to do and is rejuvenating for him.
If you are interested in specifically alleviating his chore duties, maybe you could have someone in to do the cleaning once or twice?
My dude took care of me post-surgery, and a month or two later I wrote him a card! I think cards are lovely and small and heartfelt, and they’re easy to do and you can leave it somewhere for him to find, which is cute.
Congrats on your surgery and that is great that you’re recovering nicely! I would say to book him a massage, if he’s into that kind of thing, or some other activity that you know will make him feel refreshed. As a former caretaker, I would just get to feeling very physically and mentally worn down, and something like a massage was just a nice break from it all.
ETA: I don’t know if you live in an area where you can pay to have someone come clean your house for a few hours, or if you can send out the laundry? Outsourcing the daily chores can be such a nice treat when you’ve both been through so much.
I do various things, but probably the thing my dude likes the best is to be left alone for a while in the house, perhaps with some craft beer and good snacks. It depends on the person, for sure, but could you convalesce at a friend’s house for an evening and leave him to his devices?
If I want to watch Star Trek, where do I start? There appear to be a million variations on Netflix.
The series? I have seen Next Generation and Original (I’ll get on to the others eventually!) and would recommend Next Generation. The original series with William Shatner is kind of…endearing in its oldness but also as it’s very ‘of its time’ there are certain parts that are rather rage-inducing when it comes to women. I can still watch most episodes in a kind of observational way, but I found it difficult to get fully into because I couldn’t turn my brain off and let the problematic things swim on by.
I’m watching the original, and finding I move very slowly through it. Some epsiodes have concepts I really like and others bore me (I skip ahead when that happens). Even so, I probably started it like 6 months ago and just recently finished s1? It’s juts not my main go to when I feel like watching tv.
Wondering if I should skip ahead to TNG.
As far as the movies go, the best ones are 2, 4, and 6
I vote starting with Next Gen, but be aware that the first season can be kind of cringe-worthy in places… they went rather heavy-handed on some stuff. The later seasons are better, I feel.
I’ve been working my way through Deep Space 9 and have come to prefer it over Next Gen, which I didn’t think would happen! But if you start with DS9 I think you’ll miss some key points, or at least the fodder for some of the DS9 jokes/fan-service.
I’ve watched almost none of the original series, and don’t really plan to, though it pains my mom the Trekkie.
Oh, god, Deep Space Nine is the BEST. I sincerely hope the 2017 show is even half as good.
Wait WHAT? Are they doing a DS9 reboot?
No, but they’re trying to capture the DS9 feel. However. A reboot would be AWESOME, and/or cameos.
Oh my. I’m tentatively excited!
Deep Space 9 is by far my favorite (I STRONGLY identify with Kira Nerys), but it might help to watch a bit of TNG first. Maybe just pick a couple at random from each series and see which characters draw you in the most?
In an ideal world you might start at the very beginning, but I definitely don’t want you to feel like you have to watch all the original series!
I’ve been watching TNG by picking random episodes and it’s going great! I honestly recommend the “does the Netflix description of this episode sound entertaining” method — the show’s episodic enough that watching out of order doesn’t do any great harm, and I couldn’t find a “Must-Watch Episodes” list that met my needs (most of them are organized more around “you must watch these episodes to understand the plot of TNG,” I just want “these are the best and most entertaining episodes”).
Seconding everyone that says watch TNG first (then go on to DS9 if you’re hooked).
If you think you want to Trek all the Stars (I did this maybe two years ago?) use a guide to figure out where the movies go (http://dlewis.net/blog/2015/11/02/new-to-star-trek-heres-my-suggested-viewing-order/) It’s weirdly rewarding if you’re a completist. (I started my watch-through with TNG then circled back to OS as a palate cleanser after Enterprise)
For the love of everything do not start with Enterprise. Save Enterprise for when you’re so deep into it that you need more Trek, any Trek, even terrible, terrible Enterprise.
My Trekkie husband likes TNG best, and generally agrees with the sentiments expressed herein: http://thestake.org/2013/09/19/when-does-star-tre…
Thirding (fourthing?) the suggestion to start with the Next Generation. I love Deep Space Nine the best, but TNG is really good and a logical place to introduce yourself to the Star Trek universe.
I know some people love Voyager and some people hate it, but I can’t even possibly begin to judge it because I love Kate Mulgrew with all of my heart and soul and she makes everything perfection by just being there.
Pretty much going with what everyone else is saying (TNG, DS9, then the others if you can stand them), but keep in mind that the spin-off series (starting with TNG) usually take two or three seasons to really find their groove; the original series (TOS) was the opposite–it had a great first season, a pretty good second one, and a pretty meh third.
TNG is a good starting place, and Wired did a guide to binge-watching that picks out the most essential episodes: http://www.wired.com/2015/02/binge-guide-star-tre…
But I would also highly recommend Deep Space 9, which is and always will be my favorite Trek.
Mommy’s busy, entertain yourselves.
go run around the outside of the house 12 times.
I’m moving! I’ve been searching for a smaller house share for the past few months and I’ve found the perfect place!
But that means I have to MOVE which I’ve not done for the past two years. It’s just across town but I don’t have a car. Any advice or good tips from frequent movers? I suppose it’s a good excuse for a major clear out but I’m starting to think about the effort and then curling into a ball on the floor….
If you have donation-worthy stuff to get rid of that’s pretty bulky, many places will come pick it up if you schedule it in advance. Bonus: Some of the folks who come by to do the pickup also do professional moving on the side (or know someone who does) and they might wind up being way cheaper than other services. Assuming, of course, that you’re not planning to handle the move yourself.
Good luck with the move, and congrats on finding the spot you want!
Thats a great shout, and thanks for the congrats!
Thumbtack is a good resource for cheap movers! That’s where we found ours for a move about two months ago and they were awesome. Other than that, pack a box a day to move and a box a day to donate/get rid of. Last time I saved all my donations until the end and it was a nightmare, so try to make progress on both fronts.
And congrats on the new place! When it gets terrible just think about how much fun you’re going to have living there.
That is so smart, thank you! I will try to implement this from this weekend!
Boston Toasties!
It is becoming likely that my husband and I and our baby daughter will be relocating to Boston in the fall (from Brooklyn, Park Slope-adjacent). Yay!
Any insights on particularly good areas for a young family? We would be renting and not have a car, husband commuting downtown near Fanueil Hall.
Brookline keeps coming up and seems A-plus, with the HUGE, MAJOR downside of an awful commute on the green line. Not sure we can see past that as we’d love to reduce the time and general aggravation of his commute (about an hour door to door right now).
Top of the list: Cambridge near the red line (particular parts to look at?) and Somerville (near Porter or Davis?)
What say ye, New Englanders? (THANK YOU!)
I live in Somerville, roughly equidistant from Porter and Davis. It’s nice! We don’t have a car, and it is no problem. Slightly more trouble for our housemates, who have two small children, but approximately 100% of things seem like more trouble with small children, so. I think Davis is kind of a more fun area, but Porter is way more practical, because there is a good 24 hour grocery, and a hardware store, and those are way more useful to be close to than, like, a bunch of bars and cute shops, at least for my lifestyle.
Porter is actually in Cambridge, so if you’re looking around there you might be in either town. I’m not sure this matters unless you’re looking to buy and stay until your kid’s in school, in which case there are probably school district issues about which I know nothing. (If you are looking to do that, maybe look to rent somewhere first; it seems like the real estate market around here is not really conducive to quick house searches.)
Boston and suburbs are laid out in a very pre-car kind of way, with lots of clear remnants of downtowns/town squares. This means there are tons of places that are nice walkable neighborhoods with a certain number of commercial establishments close by, so depending on your budget you might end up somewhere less dense but still very livable without a car (as long as transit is convenient for any regular commutes). For instance we stayed with our housemates’ family in West Medford for a couple of months last summer due to our house becoming suddenly uninhabitable (happily fixed now), which felt much more suburban – but we were a short walk from commuter rail, a grocery store, and a commercial area with drugstores and so on. I think my husband’s commute was shorter than it is now (though he had to time it more carefully).
Thank you for the Davis v. Porter insight. Yes, the little one makes things a bit more complicated, but since we’re car-free in Brooklyn for the last 4 years, it seems normal at this point. 🙂 Definitely renting until we get the lay of the land/figure out what we want to do about schools/save up a downpayment (HA!)
Thanks!
Jamaica Plain near the Orange Line would be a much easier commute (he’d get off at State, most likely). North Cambridge is charming but the Red Line is, in my opinion, less consistent than the Orange Line (the MBTA is not consistent so this is very much a relative scale), especially with the work on the Longfellow Bridge.
Thanks for your insight and heads up on bridge work!
Bridge work is supposed to be over this summer, but god only knows if that will actually happen.
I don’t recommend actual Boston people with kids because the whole school thing, but as a place to rent when your kiddo is tiny, JP has some going for it.
haaaaaaaaahahahahahaha “this summer” suuuuuuure it will
Not sure what your budget is, but if you can afford it, then definitely go for Somerville! Hugely family-friendly, tons of cool stuff to do, lots of buses and train stations. If you can’t afford Somerville, then there are some awesome places along the Commuter Rail on the North Shore. Your husband could commute to North Station and then walk or take the T a stop or two downtown, like I do now. I live in Salem and it’s great, and most of the towns along the coast are awesome too! But of course, not having a car could be an issue in the ‘burbs, so a lot of it will come down to budget I think!
A cursory search on Padmapper shows quite a lot of availability (it seems) in our budget for a 2-bedroom in Somerville, assuming we don’t run into massive headaches regarding deleading. Glad to hear it’s family-friendly! Thank you!
I live on the south side of the city, but have friends in Somerville and it seems like an awesome place to be if you have kids. Good parks and playgrounds, great neighborhoods, decent transit access.
Brookline has amazing schools and great housing stock, but my god, it is expensive. And the above-ground portions of the green line run into a fascinating array of problems.
How old is your daughter? Do you need to think about schools?
I would suggest not ignoring the orange line! It’s not as trendy as the red line, for sure, but for commuting, it’ll take your husband straight into Haymarket or State which are smack dab in the Faneuil/Financial District area.
For neighborhoods- Jackson Square & everything south gets you into Jamaica Plain, which is beautiful and chock full of young families! And anything around Assembly Square and north will be more suburban, but potentially cheaper and definitely feasible.
(The residential stuff in between Jackson and Assembly is either South End/North End- expensive and not super kid-friendly- or they’re Roxbury or Charlestown, which are fine places and you could find something good, but they’re also more working-class/working-poor and on the verge of gentrifying, and idk how you feel about that)
Chiming in for Jamaica Plain! It is lovely and on the much maligned but perfectly serviceable Orange line. It has tons of parks and a real neighborly character and is chock full of young families. They have a yearly Wake up the Earth festival every Spring! Sommerville is also great!
Welcome!!
Places I would recommend include Malden and Jamaica Plain (both on the Orange line). We looked extensively in Malden, and then found a place (this time last year!) at the border of JP and Roxbury. I love it.
For a family with kid, I give an extra thumbs up to Malden Center/Oak Grove. Very close to the train, very family friendly, but with a lot of stuff going on. It seemed very up and coming in a friendly way. We bid on two places there and would have been happy in either.
It currently doesn’t have the sexy cachet of other places, but the prices are in line with that.
(One of our main needs was that I also don’t have a car and don’t want one.)
Calling all polymaths and wanna-be polymaths! I want to hear from people who are cursed with wanting to do it all.
Here are the things I am working on or want to work on:
Writing multiple short stories, novels, and weird surrealist experimental stuff
Slowly learning to draw
Trying to play music again
Thinking about nursing school or at least taking a first responder course
Tell me what you guys are working on or want to work on.
oooh excellent thread!
actively working on:
– knitting
– singing (got an awesome voice instructor, the summer should be fun)
– playing my guitar
– playing music with other people
– weight lifting, getting hella strong
– returning to running after injury
– self-directed learning on a couple of topics at work since my actual task load is low right now
wanna work on but still in the percolating stage:
– WRITING. writing what? I don’t know but I used to love to write and I want to get back.
– WRITING MUSIC
– learning to draw again
– learning japanese and/or french, this comes in month(s)-long spurts, gotta get some consistency
– we should be in our new house in mid-July and I intend to learn to DIY as much as possible (well, as much as reasonable, I will gladly pay professionals to do electrical work etc) and BUILD THINGS IN MY GARAGE
– also re: new house – gardening?! there is a big plot already set up w/a deer fence, so
Ooooh, those all sound awesome! I’ll be renting a house soon and I can’t wait to learn how to garden.
I write fiction (revising a novel, got some short stories in progress and ideas for new ones I’m pretty amped about), and am also currently studying: drawing, cooking, German. Former projects I want to get back into: music composition, learning to play mandolin. I’ve also recently inherited some computer science textbooks, and I’ve always wanted to learn how to code, so that may be my new summer project. Unless I find an interesting math- or science-related MOOC I can take, since I’m pretty much always low-key on the hunt for those.
I’m kind of relieved to hear this is a curse other people have. There are not enough hours in the day and not enough years in the human lifespan for all the things I want to learn and skills I want to acquire, but THAT’S TOO DAMN BAD, I’M NOT COMPROMISING.
OH, re: “relieved to hear this is a curse other people have”, this Zen Pencils warms the cockles of my polymath heart. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I first saw it, I had been berating myself and questioning all my foolish ambitions and then there was this comic and OH THE FEELS.
– rock climbing (want to sign up for a competition after going maybe 7-10 times so far)
– understanding higher-level statistics (Khan academy is getting me up to regressive statistics and then where do I go to learn more? I’m reading studies and I can’t follow their analysis. Fixed-effects models? ANEVA or something? I don’t even know how to learn these things!)
– starting research on epidurals or other options (not even pregnant yet)
– trying to drive only once a week now that the weather is nice
– keeping on pace for my 45 books in 2016 goal
should add, also still weightlifting and working towards a sub 7:00 mile so adding in rock climbing training is probably too much
IT ME
Actively doing:
– researching fully funded MFA programs in the American South
– resurrecting old tutor profile so as to make a little extra $$
– competitive-ish swim team, relearning freestyle, backstroke, and breaststroke
– rereading The Secret History, practicing Tartt-esque prose writing
– enrolling in Coursera courses, one on how brains learn and one on JFK’s impact on the presidency
Off and on:
– learning French
– relearning Spanish
– painting
– sketching
– sewing misandry dolls
– playing guitar
– writing poems, maintaining poetry Tumblr
– outlining feminist Mafia novel
– transcription work for $
– GRE preparation (my diagnostic verbal score was 159, I am very pleased to see that my pedantry has not faded in the harsh light of engineering skool)
No motions made (YET) but someday:
– stripping the wallpaper and repainting in my kitchen
– signing up for a for-real writing class again
– building a cunning litterbox disguise that my Jack Russell mix can’t get into
– MBA program something something I dunno
– actually tracking my spending like a real adult (shame nooooo)
I love these responses!
I’ll add some more I left out:
Currently taking Brazilian Jujitsu
Hoping to run a half marathon one day
Get back into rock climbing and other outdoors stuff
Want to improve my Turkish, German and try to learn at least two other languages (polyglots are welcome here!)
I need to team up with someone who knows music because one day I want to write a space opera-rock opera
Basically at the end of my life, I want to say that I’ve lived.
–writing, all the writing
–specifically finishing the fucking novel, submitting short stories, and starting to actually tweet/blog/etc
–massive home reorganizing project which is kinda making me miserable
–learning to crochet amigurimi/stuffed animals
–starting to exercise again
–do more cooking and baking at home
–teach myself a language
–maybe team up with someone who has crafty hands for projects! like my sketched out literary tarot card sets
Toasties! I’m signing a lease in 2 hours and moving out effective June 1! The flat is lovely, the rent is acceptable and the location gets me an extra 40 minutes of sleep in the morning but it’s going to be my first time living alone for… various family & headspace reasons… and I’m worried I’m Not Ready, even aside from being a disaster in the kitchen.
Can you tell me your moving out stories?
I personally LOVED living alone for the few years I did. It got lonely sometimes, but in general I just liked having a space that was all mine. I got to set it up exactly the way I wanted and decorate in a manner that solely reflected me, which are not things you can do when you live with others. And it made me oddly more social, because I would want to spend a few nights of the week out with friends, and then a few nights at home alone. Hopefully you’ll love it, too!
In my very first apartment, I forgot/did not realise you had to arrange for power to be turned on under your name, so I lived in the dark for a couple of days while that got sorted out. Luckily, it was spring so everything was fine.
Even the mistakes you make will teach you things about the way you want to live, and there’s no one right way to live. You’re going to do great!
Congrats!!!!
I lived alone for about a year and a half, and ultimately it wasn’t a good fit for me (I like hearing other people moving around the apartment even if I don’t necessarily like hanging out with people at home, and financially it was more of a stretch than I liked), but I loved having a space that was wholly mine – no one cared if I kicked my shoes off right at the door or left dishes in sink, and I could decorate and arrange furniture however I liked – and change it up as often as I liked, too, which I enjoyed very much.
And like Fluffernutter, it made me a lot more social and a lot more intentionally social? I always made sure to plan a couple nights out a week so that I didn’t become a shut-in and so that I saw other humans outside of work, which really helped me find the balance between feeling lonely and pleasantly alone at home.
I’m not sure if you’re looking for any kitchen/cooking recs (and I hope I’m not overstepping if you aren’t!), but I liked a lot of recipes at budgetbytes.com for stuff that was affordable and easy to make, and one-person meals. I love a lot of the slow cooker recipes, and it was especially helpful for me in terms of learning about what spices and staples to keep on hand and go-to flavorings.
I definitely get the social thing, especially since living outside the city proper meant that all of my plans had to factor in the commute. I’m also hoping to try new things like singing classes maybe?? now that I have a bit more wriggling space in the day.
And thank you for the recommendation <3 one-person meals and getting the hang of actually Managing Your Supplies both feel like areas I’m going to need some help with!
I moved into my apartment last August and I have LOVED living by myself. After four years in college dorms I was somewhat afraid that the initial joy of having my own space would wear off but it hasn’t. Like the others have said, I too have become quite a bit more social, spending several nights a week out with friends, because I know I have a safe, quiet, mostly clean haven to go back to. The fact that there was no one to witness me setting off my smoke alarm cooking while “Heat of the Moment” by Asia was playing was a bonus.
I loved being alone. I loved having space that was entirely mine, and being allowed to leave my sewing projects in situ when I put them down and not finding them shoved out of the way for anything, and the radio talked to me and I could live for several days on yogurt and carrots. And sometimes chicken. I liked reading by myself. I did not read anything scary, and I was fine. I liked having an entire house to sing in, and to, erm, yes, that, in.
In short, nearly perfection. I am feeling kind of wistful about it now. Being married is good too (especially after 30 years of practice thankyouverymuch) but yeah, wistful.
Yay for living alone! I’ve been in my own place since this past December and LOVE it. I was worried too about not being ready when I first moved, because I didn’t feel like an Adult capable of taking care of herself, but I’ve found over these past six months that I’m a lot more competent than I originally gave myself credit for. While I’m not getting as much space for my money as I probably would with a roommate, I’m okay with that. For me, the trade-offs have been worth it. And I agree with others in that it has made me surprisingly more social. I’ll often go out just to keep from becoming a complete recluse. I even went to a toast meetup!
Check out how amazing bees are! “Bees chase car for 2 days to rescue queen” http://edition.cnn.com/2016/05/25/europe/bees-car…
hashtag goals.
I so want a movie of this
I still miss the dude who ended things because of his mom’s tumor, but I haven’t cried in two days, so that’s good! I started antidepressants about two weeks ago, and I feel like I’m finally getting my brain back. It’s so nice to be able to quiet the anxious thoughts easily.
And it’s FINALLY warm, I’m wearing a new dress, I look cute af, and I caught myself singing this morning, so I think things are finally looking up!
Enjoy some sun in your cute dress! Yay!
Also, Cosby is going to stand trial: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-36371740
Is there a dating thread yet?
I’m ready to just give up. I’m online, and men are just the worst. I get so many gross messages from super creepy dudes. When I do hear from a seeming noncreep, they then disappear. Ugh, I’m over it all. Maybe I’m on the wrong site? Is there a better option than OkCupid?
Also, I got this this morning. Ugh. Men. https://twitter.com/goonerkate/status/73546299278…
I deleted it so I can’t quote it, but the last message I got was something like, “you’re a hypocrite if you like Idiocracy but not Ayn Rand. I don’t agree wth everything but come on.. [let’s go out]”
I considered responding with “unsubscribe,” but ended up just deleting. Not creepy, but ugh.
Ew! What a moron. I hate men. Yeah, the one I posted wasn’t creepy gross like a lot I get, I delete those too (“I’m gonna put it up your bum” was a particularly charming one this morning, puke). I’m just over all of it.
A friend of mine has had good experiences with Bumble!
Ooh really? I may try that. That’s the one where the woman has to message first, right? Maybe that will scare away some of the most misogynist creeps.
I am not a Bumbler (is that a thing), but my male best friend is on it and he really likes it.
Much like Tinder, both you and the fella have to swipe right (OR IS IT LEFT, I HAVE A DUMBPHONE, I HAVE NO ACTUAL REAL WORLD EXPERIENCE WITH APPS), but the woman has to send the first message for a conversation to happen.
My friend did say that the caliber of lady he’s meeting on Bumble seems to be higher than what he experienced on OKCupid. And when he was describing it to me, he described it as a “sort of feminist dating app”, and if that feeling is generally shared, I think the kind of guy who would be attracted to that sort of app is the kind of guy a Toastie would like to date.
Can confirm that Bumble isn’t awful. I started using it after my cousin recommended/forced me to sign up. I was on OKC, but had to deactivate after too many creeps. Bumble on the other hand seems to have a lot fewer creeps and exponentially less unsolicited dick pics (aka NONE). I’ve even gone on some genuinely nice dates through Bumble. I’d say it’s worth a try.
Bumble is good, it really really cuts down on the weirdness. I left OKCupid just because the selection of dudes was just…. weird. Bumble/Tinder have bigger cross sections. I tried Hinge but it felt like no one was ever on it. So there!
My interactions with men just feel like I’m constantly asking them questions about themselves/talking about them and they never ask me anything about me. I dunno, I hate it.
Do you have the filter on that lets you keep an inbox for people who meet your match criteria and a spam folder for randos? I found that really helpful in the battle to prevent creepsters from draining all my psychic energy.
I was on OKCupid for many years, and though I went out on several not-terrible dates, nothing ever came of my presence on that site. I find dating sites just don’t really work for me.
I have found a LOT more success through MeetUp. I didn’t join MeetUp to find a smanging-partner, but I’ve had more smangful success via MeetUp than through any dating site. I briefly bf/gf-ed a fella from one MeetUp group, and am currently hormones-over-heels-ing it for a guy from another. And the best part is, these relationships/crushes are just bonuses to the fact that I discovered two fun activities/groups. I have made a bunch of friends and learned some really cool things from my MeetUp experiences, and the fact that I have met a couple of dudes along the way has just been delicious icing on the MeetUp cake.
Toasties, my partner is having some pretty sucktastic times mental health wise now, very anxious and depressed with bonus work stress causing a vicious cycle. He’s pretty good at being self-aware about this and is seeking medical help, etc, but it’s still pretty tough for both of us. Am open to virtual hugs as well as advice about how to navigate being the ‘well’ partner in this type of situation.
I don’t have a ton of advice as I am not partnered, nor do I struggle with anxiety or depression myself. However, several of my friends are dealing with anxiety and/or depression right now, and they have found the free Pacifica app very helpful*. I have seen one of my friends use it, and it’s beautiful and intuitive. It is based on cognitive behavioral therapy and meditation.
*I have already recommended this app on another comment on this Open Thread, so for fear of coming off as some weird pusher, I should probably mention that I don’t work for Pacifica and I don’t get anything for recommending their app. It does seem to work for my friends, and it has got very good reviews.
Oh, I guess I also have some other advice!
As the “well” partner in this situation, I think it’s important to realize that you are going to need support too. Reach out to your network and ask for their support, and make a point of upping your self-care routines. If your partner’s mental health is affecting you the way I have seen a partner’s mental health affect one of my friends, you may be feeling pretty drained and even a little resentful at times. It’s important for you to remember that you deserve care and support too; if your partner can’t provide that right now, make sure to create opportunities where you can get it.
Lastly, I don’t know if your partner has become clingy or anxious about you doing things without him, but if so, this Captain Awkward column has bunch of good scripts for dealing with that situation. The partner in question sounds kind of abusive, and that’s not the feeling I’m getting from your comment, so read around those parts if it doesn’t apply. 🙂
Thanks! I might get him to give Pacifica a try – it seems like something that could be a small regular thing. He goes out of his way to avoid being the guy in that Captain Awkward column, but as I said to tea_trousers below it is still easy for me to feel a bit guilty about going off and having fun without him when he is feeling down, so it’s useful to have the importance of self-care on my side reinforced.
I had really bad anxiety last month and for me personally I just wanted my partner to listen to me when I needed him but to mostly act normally and remind me that things were okay. (it makes my anxiety much worse when I see other people worried about me)
Maybe if you can ask very specifically what he does and doesn’t need from you, that can relieve your sense of helplessness (I’m projecting based on own experience, sorry if that’s not what you are feeling). And don’t feel bad about leaving the house/seeing friends/whatever helps your own mental state!
You’ll get through this together! Good for him for getting help. *hugs*
That’s super helpful on both counts. I tend to just try and behave normally but sometimes worry that it seems like I’m just brushing him off. And even though he always really encourages me to do my own thing and see my friends, it’s hard not to feel a bit guilty about it (especially since his good friends are all some distance away). So it’s nice to hear it endorsed by someone else!
I’ve been a terrible toastie and haven’t sent any of my ToastPosts yet. It’s today’s project! I’ve been getting my ToasPost and I have loved them all! Thanks, Carly927 , GreenGrasses (I hope you enjoyed your green tea ice cream, that stuff is yum!) and toastie who sent a mysterious and weird postcard, I love it!
Yay!! My ice cream was AWESOME thank you for asking!!!! I wish I had some right now actually…
I am still working on my ToastPost too! Don’t worry everyone, they’re coming! I’m making you all little paintings.
I’m just doing postcards. You are a champion! That’s awesome.
I just sent mine off Monday and yesterday, if it makes you feel better!
Toasties, insomnia has been a frequent and unwelcome visitor in my life and has been spiraling out of control of late. Any advice? Anyone tried any tips/suggestions/therapies/medical professionals that worked for them? It is time for sleep to knit this raveled sleeve of argsblargle.
Melatonin helps me a lot, with some caveats: I need to have at least 8 hours available for sleep, if I have to wake up after 6 hours on melatonin I wake up very anxious; also, if I take it consistently for weeks and then stop I get weirdly intense vivid dreams. I find it especially useful for resetting my sleep schedule after it’s been thrown off by travel or stress.
I also really like this guided meditation and find it extremely soothing.
Thanks for the recommendation! Melatonin hasn’t worked for me in the past, but I haven’t tried a guided meditation, that seems like something I should try. I keep putting on podcasts to give my mind something to focus on besides the unpleasantness of knowing you should sleep and not being able to, but a guided meditation sounds much more useful.
(Bizarrely, melatonin basically made me stoned and staring at my hand for a weekend, which was entertaining for those around me, but not really the desired result. Someday I will quiz some pharmacology expert as to why that might have happened.)
I use zopiclone – you can get it in small amounts and it isn’t very harsh. Just don’t take it every day and you should be ok.
I do Yoga Nidra meditations – the website DoYogaWithMe.com has some really wonderful free ones. Sometimes it’ll take me up to 30 minutes to fall asleep, but I’ve never made it to the end of one of the recordings.
I went to a counselor because I had chronic insomnia, and we basically decided that since I hate being told what to do, telling myself “you need to go to sleep now” caused my brain to go “TRY AND MAKE ME, SUCKER!” so changing the way I approached sleep was really helpful!
And in case you haven’t done it already, hide your clock, do not look at your clock, do not allow yourself any way of checking the time and stressing out about how little sleep you are now able to get in the remaining hours of the night.
The podcast “Sleep With Me” has been really helpful for me recently. There’s usually a short business-keeping type introduction at the beginning, and then 30-60 minutes of a bedtime story. The narrator has a droning ASMR-type voice that doesn’t vary a lot in tone, pitch, or volume so it won’t frighten you back awake. The stories are super boring nonsense (in a good way!). I usually start out by paying attention to them, but they’re so monotone and uninteresting that they put me right to sleep.
The podcast also helps with waking up in the middle of the night and not feeling like I can go back to sleep; it puts me back in the bedtime headspace and knocks me right out again.
I’ve had a lot of success with shiatsu face massage. There are self-massage techniques, or if you have a partner who’s willing to learn that works, too. It turns my brain off and allows me to fall asleep.
I just started using passionflower, a natural sedative which you can get at health food stores. It’s helped me calm down before bed, which is my problem (can’t shut my brain off).
I am so excited, I get to go see Lindy West read from her new book tonight!!!
Also, I am determined to start going to the silent reading party here in Seattle. If any other Toastie would like to go, I would be a good partner. We can sit next to each other avoiding conversation while reading a good book. Yay for introverts!
I’d be down, if schedules work out!
omg can we have a #SHRILL thread. i am generally not a weird fangirl, but i have loved lindy west forever and i am loving shrill so much that i have already posted 2 instagrams of it (neither of which got many likes, i think people find it annoying when instas look like product placement haha). but it’s so great!!
i was worried that it would have a lot of reiterative/reprinted stuff from jez/the stranger/her blog, but it seems like it’s almost entirely new material and that which is reiterated is, like, stories ABOUT the stories, which i love because it seems so backstage. gah. also i love how straightforward and clear and firm her feminism is? like, it is not the most nuanced take on gender politics, but it is beautifully strong and non-waffly. she is just an incredible person.
I AM SO EXCITED I WANT TO BE HER BEST FRIEND AND MOCK INTERNET TROLLS TOGETHER. Whew. Sorry.
Yay! That ridiculous woman in Texas lost her runoff: http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/may/25/te…
…How do you go about telling your parents that you might have depression? And what’s the best way for doing it when they live in a different town and your options are Skype, an email, or waiting for a few-and-far-between visit to tell them in person?
Do you want/feel okay with crying in front of them? I’d go skype, because I usually cry if I talk about depression and if it gets too much I can hang up but also the conversation is more flow-y than sending an email and trying to guess what they’re going to say or ask.
Also; “I might have depression” is the method I used, if you want to couch it maybe bring it up an email “Hey, I’ve been feeling pretty down lately, would you like to skype tonight?” or even “Hey, I’m worried I might have depression and would like to talk about it”
How are you doing otherwise? I definitely think with parents they’re most likely to be helpful and supportive, if they’re good parents, and you want them to know soon so they can help. If there’s anything else you need to talk about, let us know!
Are you talking to a counselor/therapist? This seems like something that they could give some helpful tips on, if so. Otherwise, if I were doing it again (especially as a person who is not living in the same place as my family), I would think about a few things:
1 – What logistical goals do you want to accomplish by telling them? Are you looking for help in getting treatment? Do they need to know because it’s going to show up on their health insurance? Make a checklist to help you make sure you cover those topics.
2 – If you could magically arrange the future to your liking, how would they react? What would they do to be supportive? It’s totally okay if the answer is I don’t know, but sometimes thinking that through can help you figure out useful concrete things to ask for. (I need to come home for the upcoming holiday,, or Can you come visit me, or Sometimes I don’t have anything to say but need to hear someone’s voice, can you just talk at me?)
3 – How much do your parents know about depression? No matter how fantastic your parents are, a lot of people have unhelpful misinformation or a lack of knowledge on this topic. You might want to look for a website/resource to point them to make sure they have the basic facts on depression as a medical condition. (Or ask a friend to help you find one.) I also like the Hyperbole and a Half posts on depression to try to explain to people what depression is/can be like.
I hope the telling goes well for you, but also, if it helps, my initial conversation with my parents about this did not go particularly well, and yet things still turned out okay in the end. Good luck!
Yeah, I’d definitely consider what your goal is in telling them. My mom is not support for me at all so my initial reaction to your question was like “why on earth would you do that? what does it get you??” So, if it seems weird to be asking yourself that, uh, pretend you’re explaining to me and I’m a robot alien who doesn’t understand normal parent-child relationships.
Also, I just came across this NPR piece which might or might not resonate with you. http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/05/…
Yeah, the question of who you talk to about depression and to what level and why is always worth considering. In this case, I didn’t mean to discourage the OP talking to their parents, I just think it can be helpful to have thought through the conversation ahead of time. It’s likely to be a difficult conversation on both sides, so being able to point the parents to Here is what is going on and here is what you can do to help may help the OP push the conversation in a good direction. Then again, some people find checklists and strategies than others, so if this sounds stressful, definitely ignore it and go with what makes you most comfortable!
People! I sent my younger (of two) daughter off to her last day of high school and I am having all the feels. Feel them with me!! What did you feel on your last day of high school? I seem to remember a giddy relief that some *ahem* hijinks had not been associated with me, and that I was actually completely finished, and I could not for the life of me understand why everyone thought this was a big deal when I was one of 750 graduating in my class and one of untold thousands graduating that spring in the country.
So. your feels, please:
Envy mostly! You got two kids all the way through! That is an achievement.
I recall as a new graduate it felt weirdly anticlimactic and I wondered where all the alleged glory and adulting and mass revelry was.
Oh mom, that’s making me tear up and I’ve got two more years before my second kid graduates. But my little turns 13 in 2 weeks and I am totally in denial.
I think I hung out on the roof of the school watching the people with decorated cars drive away. I didn’t get to butn my uniform because I had to hand it down to my cousin.
There was a lovely moment on my last day of high school when a bunch of people were gathered around after graduation rehearsal and we all decided to walk through the whole building together one last time. It was a random subset of folks from a variety of cliques and high school niches, but it felt like everyone realized that wasn’t going to be important any more so we’d better get used to hanging out as humans. I think about that walk really fondly.
At my HS graduation, the person assigned to sit next to me was someone I had never really talked to before, but during the rehearsals and actual ceremony we talked a lot and turned out to get along pretty well! I never saw him again, but it was a very pleasant experience.
It was a strange feeling. I had two weeks off in the middle of May while other kids in non-AP courses still had to go to class. I’d been accepted to my first choice of college in April, and I was still on the waitlist at my other top choices.
I think it was relief, more than anything. “I’m done. Soon I will escape suburban Maryland and my mother’s clinging. But for now, let us sleep in, and munch pretzels at 11 am and call it breakfast.”
On my last day of high school I put on all the costume jewelry I’d accumulated while in school and never wore: the beads from some parade, the plastic daisy ring I bought from a vending machine on a speech trip, something goofy in my hair. And a nametag that said “My name is [my name], grade 12,” and posed for a photo in front of the house like I was leaving for my first day of kindergarten. I don’t remember where I got this idea but I enjoyed it. I’d been sad earlier (in particular, at the last performance of my last spring musical) but on the last day of school, and at graduation, I felt happy and excited about what was coming.
Sometime around my HS graduation, my best friends at the time and I went out for the day to a local park/reserve and did a photo shoot with all these goofy poses and then went out to dinner. Those pictures are my favorite thing from high school, I still treasure them.
Also that summer we did a thing where we made a list of the top ten “landmarks” in our small town and drove around taking pictures in front of them (one of the “landmarks” was Rita’s Italian Ice).
I was mostly just Done. (I had a really horrible time being editor of the newspaper, which I’d looked forward to the whole 4 years and then basically got saddled with a horrible mansplainy, sexually harassing, unmotivated but secretive editorial board and a completely checked out adviser.) My aunt and uncle sent me flowers and that was the first time anyone had ever done that, though.
Does anyone have any sleep training advice to share?
My baby girl is almost 5 months old and it would be real nice if she could sleep for longer than 3 hours at a time. I know there was a recent “cry-it-out is a-ok” study, and *in theory* I don’t mind her crying a bit, but in practice it is pretty impossible for me to not pick her up when she cries. Do I just…do I have to just do it?
I didn’t do cry-it-out with my first, but I did modified/graduated cry-it-out with my second. I recommend enlisting a partner/friend to help–meaning they go in to try to soothe (without picking up), and extend how long every night. Or if you want to go full-blown cry-it-out try to not be physically present in the house. If I had to be around to hear the crying, I would have a clock nearby (because what seemed endless to me was like…seven minutes of crying), headphones/ear plugs and something distracting. If you are not ready to do either, just try taking small steps toward delaying how quickly your run and pick up baby when she starts crying/fussing. Count out loud to yourself and see if you can extend the time you wait by 30 seconds, 60 seconds, etc. and give your baby a chance to self soothe.
This is a wall of text, but my ultimate sleep advice in relation to kids is that NO ONE has it figured out. People who seem like they have a baby who sleeps perfectly often have a toddler who starts waking up all the time. This is not comforting in the sense that there is no perfect solution, but it is comforting in the sense that you can go with what you are comfortable with and in all likelihood everything will be a-okay.
Thank you! This is so nice to hear, sometimes I think of her as a riddle to be solved and it’s comforting to know that if I can’t solve it she will probably still be fine.
It was totally unscientific for us, and YMMV, but for what it’s worth, my little guy woke up in the night the first night and cried for a VERY LONG 10-15 minutes, then fell asleep, woke up in the middle of the night the next night and cried for about 3 minutes, and every night after that was totally chill. Maybe set yourself a timer with a maximum time you’re willing to wait, and have something handy that you can focus on to keep from getting too antsy (knitting or something fidgety would be good for me), and decide in advance how many nights you’re willing to try to see how it goes?
Yes, this is exactly what I want to hear! I was thinking of starting Friday night and seeing how things look by Sunday night.
The timer thing will help, probably, I had to do it when we first put her in her crib from the rock n’ play. It was one night of 10-15 minutes and then never another problem, hopefully this will be the same.
Mainly, you’re not going to break the baby no matter what sleep approach you try (within reasonable norms, of course), so don’t get sucked into the advice about how CIO will turn your kid into a serial killer or non-CIO will make them dependent wimps unable to function in the real world.
Modified CIO worked really well with minimal crying at 7 months with my first (and would have worked earlier), because it turned out I was jumping in to sooth her when she didn’t really need it. (In my defense, she had a habit of half-waking with a scream like a banshee, so things always seemed more dire than they were.)
My second was a much better self-soother in general, so I never let her cry for more than 15 minutes because it would generally indicate that something really was wrong.
Which is just an example to say that some of it depends on the kid. If I were you, I’d just start by extending the time before you go in, like SilentTrystera said. I did a modified CIO with my eldest that had you start by waiting 5 minutes, then 10, then 15, etc etc. And do your best to commit to say, 3 nights of whatever plan you choose so you don’t abandon ship right before it starts working.
I should mention too that her crib is in the room with us, which makes the whole thing a little harder. Like, do I lay there for 10 minutes before I go to her? She knows I’m there, right? It seems mean.
Is there any way to get her out of your room? That can be a game-changer.
I have heard that! Well, there is another bedroom that will be hers eventually, but it’s allll the way up the stairs and across the house. I could put her in the (large) closet? Or maybe hang a sheet off her crib so she can’t see me? She can probably smell me though, lil animal
Ugh, yeah, it’s a super-pain to have to trek all the way up stairs in the middle of the night. Might be worth it in the long run if it gets her sleeping better, but it’s a leap of faith for sure.
And yeah, they totallllyyyy smell you. Such weird little mammals.
^Definitely make sure she can’t see you–it could make all the difference in the world.
No real advice but my nugget is 15 weeks and is having a rough patch last couple nights (from 5-6 hours followed by 2-3 wakeups, to 3ish hours followed by 90 min-2hr wakeups, up for good at 4 or 5 am OMG). So, solidarity. And coffee.
I don’t plan to do any true sleep training until at least 6 months, and I really don’t think I can leave her to cry at all – it’s like physically painful isn’t it? So far, our “method” for where we’re at (solid 6:30/7 bedtime, one long stretch ~6hrs followed by ~2-3hr chunks. generally totalling 11-12 hrs night sleep) is just to really make sure she’s actually awake/needing something, what that looks like for her (for us, grunting and kicking the mattress for more than a minute even if eyes closed), when she is tired, etc. (Bringing Up Bebe-style! A great read). It’s clearly not buying us a full night of sleep but she’s 4 m/o breastfed baby, and they gotta eat, so I gotta get up. We just are trying to meet her where she is and trudge through until she’s developmentally ready to sleep a bit longer.
I recently, on a very very bad day, posted to my moms’ group about naps and sleep, and another woman who has a toddler plus a baby shared these links, and they made me feel a whole hell of a lot better about where we are and where we’re headed:
http://askmoxie.org/blog/2009/03/a-reminder-about… http://askmoxie.org/blog/2013/05/should-you-sleep…
Many Zzz’s and hugs to you!
(ETA our crib is also right in our room and it does make it hard, but also I feel like it’s a boon to figuring her out, because it doesn’t take as much effort or awakeness on our part to check if she’s really up/really upset/etc.)
Yes it IS physically painful when she cries! Oh my gosh.
Zzzz’s to you, as well 🙂
Not a parent, but when my brother and sister-in-law were trying to cut out middle of the night nursing, only my brother would go into her room between eleven and six am, and after a few nights my niece would just glare at him and flop herself back lying down in the crib, no soothing or anything. “You’re USELESS!” So at least she got pretty quickly from feeling abandoned to just being fed up with the whole damn system??
Sleep is important for you and for your baby girl. Some kids are born knowing how to put themselves to sleep and how to sleep through the night. But lots of kids need help figuring it out and sleep training can be a good way of teaching them how to do that.
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice so far. I’d reiterate that whatever plan you come up with, you really need to stick with it for 5-7 days before totally giving up. Part of sleep training is reinforcing the cues that tell her it’s sleepytime and not feeding/play/whatever time. If you change what you’re doing every couple of days, she never gets a chance to make those associations.
We still do a modified cry-it-out with my 1 year old. I think it’s a good balance between reassuring him and us that everything is okay, and being firm that it is now time to sleep. We got lucky with him but he still has nights where he doesn’t want to go to bed, or wants to party in the middle of the night. And his crib is still in our room, so I feel you.
There are lots of cry-it-out versions. We generally wait 10 minutes before we go in each time. And we absolutely time it and usually turn off the monitor so we can’t hear him as clearly, otherwise it’s just torture. The first 1-2 times, we’ll replace his pacifier and lay him back down without any more interaction than that. Sometimes that’s all he needs. If we’ve done that twice without success, we will go pick him up and calm him down, but no words and no eye contact, just holding him for comfort. We’ve got a sleepytime song we sing every nap and bedtime so we’ll sing that before putting him back in the crib since he’s got a strong association with that song and sleep. And then we start the 10 minute timer again. If this happens in the middle of the night, we’ll leave our bedroom so he can’t see us and that seems to help him settle faster.
During your checks, you want to be as boring as possible. No talking, no eye contact, no feeding, nothing. Your message is that it is nighttime and nighttime is only for sleeping, there’s nothing to do at night except for sleep so she might as well do that. And absolutely take turns with your partner or a friend.
Wow, this got long — turns out that I have Thoughts on sleep! I hope at least some of my novel was helpful to you.
This is so helpful!!!! Thank you.
Sorry, one last thing! I found the Teaching Your Baby and Toddler to Sleep forum on BabyCenter to be extremely helpful. The moderators all have experience with various types of sleep training and the sticky at the top of the forum is an excellent resource. It’s got information about what to expect in terms of sleep patterns and needs for different ages, what typical schedules might look like, strategies for sleep regressions, etc. I’ve gotten lots of good advice from there and there’s very little judgement happening within the group.
http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a199215/te…
Youuuuu guyyyyyyyyyys guess what!
I let baby girl cry a lil bit last night when she woke up 30 minutes after I put her to bed. I determined that 6 minutes was the max time I could handle before soothing her, and I checked on her 3 times before she fell asleep. So, 20 minutes or so of crying.
And then! She only woke up once during the night to eat! Was it a fluke? I will find out! Regardless this seems like excellent progress.
See, now, this is why the Toast can never leave, how else will I raise my child?
Y’all, my daughter graduates from high school this Sunday, and then she’ll be going off to college in a few months, and I’m going to super miss her, while at the same time being so excited for her to be going out on her own and being awesome. :/
I hope she gets to keep one of the swords. Nothing says “you’re an independent adult now” quite like one’s own edged weapon. (Congrats!)
I think they may be against the school’s dorm rules, but if not she can take one 😉
She has excellent parents. You two are so supportive and simultaneously inspiring her to be confident in her own abilities. That’s an amazing balance. She’s going to be a stellar adult.
Aww, thanks 🙂
Favorite documentaries?
I recently watched ‘Until the Light Takes Us,’ about the Norwegian death metal scene, which was pretty good. And I’m working through the mostly short films on this site: http://www.folkstreams.net/?list=1
Oh man I LOVE documentaries!!! Especially ones for free on Netflix…
– The Queen of Versailles is maaayybe my favorite documentary of all time
– I tend to re-watch Jiro Dreams of Sushi if I need something happy and comforting
– I just watched The Champions about the Michael Vick dogs and I only cried like twice!
– After Tiller is probably one of the most powerful pieces of work about abortion rights ever made
– The Act of Killing is…. kinda indescribable? It’s surreal, it’s terrifying, it’s sad, it’s unbelievable, it’s all true.
– Hot Girls Wanted is about the porn industry and it’s pretty depressing but also will help to fuel your righteous anger at the patriarchy
– Bill Cunningham’s New York is my favorite documentary about fashion, and it’s really fun to watch with some occasional Realness thrown in.
I think I watched Until the Light Takes Us a while ago… maybe time for a re-watch since I don’t remember much!! Thanks for the folkstreams list… so many of those titles look good!
You’ve got some solid ones. I have the doc that follows the Act of Killing (The Look of Silence) in my queue to be watched. I’ll need to be in the right mood.
Last night I watched The Barkley Marathons. Recommended for folks interested in running/ultras/outdoorsy stuff, although at some point I was like “man, white dudes are certainly something.”
I also watched The Barkley Marathons recently! I was pretty on board until they started talking to that one dude about how his dad dying meant he had this awakening to quite his job and live his life or whatever? Then I, too, was like “huh. white dudes.”
But I still kinda want to be friends with the guy that won. He seems nerdy and weird and awesome.
I kind of loved how delightfully dorky most of them were, really. But like the guy said, these are definitely skewing to well-educated, goal driven people, so it makes sense.
If you liked The Barkley Marathons doc, you might also like Unbreakable: The Western States 100. I will watch almost anything about running.
The Overnighters! Frakking, religion, the American dream or lack thereof, boomtowns. It’s really cool.
Twenty Feet From Stardom is great. And, I haven’t watched it, but The House I Live In is supposed to be incredibly powerful.
ETA: Somm is BONKERS! About people trying to becoming Master Sommeliers. Whoa.
Ugh toast I am so stressed out right now. Tonight I have to go to a meeting full of extremely old men who are voting whether or not to sell a building that’s majority owned by my family.
I’ve been asked to take minutes because I’m good at it, and I’m having kittens. I’ve been distracted all week as a result.
…but at least there will be cold deli sandwiches?
In the moments before I realized I should google the phrase “having kittens”, I had a VERY interesting train of thought, so thank you for that.
Hah. Tbqh an actual kitten hidden somewhere on my person would make this whole thing less stressful.
OH HONEY
Thank you. I need hugs right now.
CBC put all the Kids in the Hall episodes online! http://watch.cbc.ca/kids-in-the-hall/season-1/fb8…
Sweet!
Hi Toasties! Over two years ago, the Toast published Bike Curious: A Buyer’s Guide (http://the-toast.net/2014/02/12/bike-curious-buyers-guide/) I’ve always wanted to be the kind of person who rides her bike everywhere, but I’ve always been too scared to get on the road. Bike paths and the like were fine, but being around cars?? Too scary! But this article inspired me, and I never forgot about it, so when my old pos bike was stolen, I pulled it up and craigslisted myself a ‘new’ one. And today, toasties, today I finally rode my bike to work!
Congrats! It’s a great feeling! I really miss bike commuting so I envy you!
YES! Did it feel amazing?! I love biking anywhere and everywhere!
Yes! It was so much fun 🙂 I’m definitely going to make this a regular occurrence!
gah. i’m still too scared. to the point where my bike has been out of air for like 3 years because i’m too apprehensive to even fill its (gorgeous) tires. i’m the worst bike-owner ever.
I love biking so much, and every winter I forget this, and every spring I rediscover it. Congratulations on your first bike commute!
I just took my normcore commuter bike for a tuneup and stuff…on the back of my cargo bike. I feel like a Thor-thighed GODDESS. You will love getting back on your bike!
Someone please pitch and write If Hild Was Your Girlfriend.
I don’t think I could do it justice but it’s something that needs to be in the world.
Thanks in advance.
I hereby submit my formal request for someone to write
David Brooks Writes a Sestina about Hillary Clinton http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/24/opinion/why-is-…
Anyone want to discuss Polly’s advice column from this morning? http://nymag.com/thecut/2016/05/ask-polly-am-i-to…
That’s a super-weird answer. I kind of agree that asking your parents to change ugly patterns in their interactions with you is fruitless. Most people’s parents are not going to change. But you could either decide not to go and sacrifice the parent relationship, or you could go and inform them you won’t be speaking to that guy again, and that you don’t appreciate being blindsided. You don’t have to just show up and pretend it is all OK.
Are. You. Serious. Who is this Polly person? Have her fired immediately. “Show up, eat shit, leave.” That’s her advice? What in the actual fuck? More like “Show up, THROW shit, leave,” if you ask me. Ugh. UGH. Is her advice usually this bad (and overly wordy)?
I used to be a fan of hers, but it’s gradually become clear that all her advice is “feel your feelings! get therapy! and if your family wants to treat you badly, oh well, they’re your family! just keep exposing yourself to that forever!” expanded out to a word count of Too Goddamn Many.
And she has regular readers? And an income from that? I’m in the wrong business for real.
She used to write for the Awl, and I thought she was GREAT then! Her answers were kind, concise, and just saucy enough to be interesting and different…but there has been some serious word bloat happening in the column since she moved it over to the Cut and her whole attitude towards family and relationships really seems to have shifted…? (This latest column is 2200 words, which is waaaay too many.)
Yes! I used to love her at the Awl, but have not loved her at the Cut, and had been wondering it it was *I* who changed, you know? But it sounds like other people feel the same.
She can be really good on romantic relationships and career moves, but has a MASSIVE blind spot when it comes to Faaaaamily. This is not the first time that her advice has literally been ‘eat shit for your family!’
From what she has written about her own family in past columns, she lives this advice herself. So… that is what it is.
Whenever people write to her asking for advice on their dysfunctional families, I just want to press a link to Captain Awkward’s site into their hands and wish them well.
Soooooo many words yes
I like her until she starts talking about family, and then I have to nope out, as a person who is doing minimal contact with my father / abuser, and that only because he and my mom are a package deal.
I have gotten over wanting a relationship with my father, but it is not too much to expect the politeness he would extend to a stranger.
In my experience, being gaslit and emotionally audited for a a decade meant needing permission to want things, let alone ask for them. I want to give LW permission to stay away, mourn what could have been, and start looking for genuinely supportive elders.
I agree with all the criticism about “eat the shit your family serves you” part of the advice. But I found the part where she discusses growing up in a family that dismisses/rejects/makes you feel ashamed of your emotions until you finally explode in a way that seems outwardly unreasonable to be really validating.
Yes. I thought there was some wisdom buried in there. People in the LW’s shoes (it me!) need validation very badly.
Her “go and suffer” advice is based on an assumption that the family relationship is important enough to LW for LW to suffer through this party. That’s not a given, and I really wish she had made it clear there’s a choice.
Toasties, I have a co-worker who keeps emailing me and basically telling me how to do my job, and while some of this is totally valid (she’s the one who cleaned out the fridge a week or so ago, which is something I absolutely should have done) some of it is just a difference of opinion on various things and I kinda just want to tell her that if she wants to do my job so bad maybe she should be the office manager instead of me. Especially since I never wanted to be the office manager, I was basically promoted into this position when the previous one left.
I think it’s fine to store some archive boxes on a big drafting table because I will need those boxes again, the table is out of the way, we store other things in the shelves on that table, and no one uses the top of it for anything. She thinks they should go back to offsite storage, which is like three blocks away and kinda sketchy so that means it has to be during a time when I can get the other receptionist to come with me for company security. Neither one of us is wrong, but when she emails me shit like this I just want to yell SHUT UP BRENDA.
(Her name is not Brenda.)
Stop reading her emails. Set up a rule to route them directly elsewhere, a place you never have to see them.
It’s a kindness. To yourself: you don’t deserve the stress she’s serving you. To her: it makes her look better when her writing is not illuminating her critical streak.
You guys, I think The Avalanches are putting out new music soon!!!!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAMPOAfdH8U
Jesus, this better not be a hoax or a prank of some kind, I think it’s the most hyped I’ve ever been for anything.
OH HI GUESS WHAT I AM GOING TO BARCELONA TO SEE THEM
But hahaha their first show starts at 2:50 IN THE MORNING.
Ugh, Europe I am old and tired.
That’s insane, but I’d go in a heartbeat.
Oh, Europe, you’re so crazy.
What? Yesssss!
Not a hoax! I actually know someone who knows someone who worked on that album (which I guess I’m allowed to say now that they’re teasing it).
Great news! Thank you for sharing!
Good timing too, because I am in some kind of mood where all I am listening to is bands that sound kind of like the Avalanches. Handsome Boy Modeling School, Flume, Onra…. just on YouTube though, having a hard time committing to just one or two albums.
Birth Control Thread? Specifically – does anyone have an implant?
I’ve only been on the pill for three months, but I’m not great about taking it the same time everyday, and the inserting an IUD freaks me out more than a shot in the arm. Any wisdom for this veteran of Catholic sex -ed trying to make up for lost knowledge? Would love to enter my next gyno appointment with more nuanced view of what I want than “um yes, birth control, can I have some?”
Also hi! Longtime lurker never awake for OT, but wanted to hear some Toast wisdom on this before it’s too late!
I have the Nexplanon (I got it in January) and on one hand, I love how secure and safe it makes me feel. Pretty much the lowest chance of failing, even compared to IUDs. And its progestin only instead of a combo BC. It was SO EASY to get, basically no pain but a wicked bruise (they do use a needle to numb you so if needles are a thing….) And I can freak out my friends by making them touch it.
BUT
I got to protect me from babies (yay!) but mainly to help with my really, really awful periods. They told me this would stop my period. But it hasn’t. In fact, after getting it, I spotted heavily for 3 and a half months straight. Then stopped for a month. Then I got my period again. And then it stopped for a week. And then started again for a week. And now I’m here writing this. My periods aren’t AS bad as they were (I no longer miss work due to pain/exhaustion) but like…… they said they would stop… and they haven’t… I think I’ve gained a little weight on it but my skin is mainly better (but it wasn’t that bad before).
Thanks for sharing that nuanced view! Eeek, continual spotting sounds so rough, hope it clears up for you asap!
I personally have never gone the implant route, but I have a dear friend who did and she loved it. Her arm was a little sore for about 24 hours after insertion, but other than that no side effects.
I had the implant for two years! I ended up having it taken out because the progestin-only aspect didn’t play nice with my body: I got terrible back/shoulder acne, my periods were super irregular, and I felt like it made my anxiety a lot worse. I am back on the pill and all those symptoms have gone away, but if I had been able to stay on the implant I would have! It’s very convenient and like 99.9% effective, which is awesome. If you have the option, I’d say try it out and see how it goes!
Huh that sounds pretty tricky, glad things have evened out for you!
I just got a Nexplanon about a month ago! I had tried two different IUDs, which I loved the idea of, but I have a funky shaped uterus which didn’t jive well.
The insertion of the Nexplanon was quick, but I ended up having a pretty gnarly bruise for like 3 weeks after. So far, my period lasted longer but was way lighter (I basically needed to use pantyliners all but one day) and I had some spotting again for a day two weeks after my period. I’m hoping it’ll all even out after a few months, though.
The upside – it’s a set it and forget situation – great for me, someone who hates trying to remember to take a pill at the same time every day.
Potential downsides – spotting and irregular periods can be a permanent side effect, and sometimes they need to do surgery to take the insert out of your arm? Which is gnarly and also why aren’t there more long-term options already we live in the 21st century!!!
I perused some Reddit sites for discussions of these things too, for other perspectives. I hope you find an option that works for you!
I am going to Chicago in June! Any tips or must-sees? I will be there for 3 days and staying with a friend near Hyde Park / University of Chicago.
Go up to Chinatown and get dim sum at Cai. Also the Oriental Institute museum has a ton of cool stuff in it.
I live in Hyde Park! and June is the PERFECT time to visit Chicago. In Hyde Park, definitely take lots of walks out to the lake and Promontory Point. IMO, you can skip the Museum of Science and Industry, although the museum campus is really beautiful and fun to walk around. Eat at Medici on 57th (it’s BYOB!). Get drinks on the patio at Promontory on 53rd (their food is not great, but their cocktails are awesome).
I think Hyde Park is a really underrated and overlooked neighborhood, and admittedly does not have as many amenities or “cool things” to do as some of the north side neighborhoods, but I think you’ll really love it!! Have a great time!
Okay, but MSI has that really great Lego exhibition right now, so let that factor into your plans.
I love Court Theater at the University of Chicago beyond all reason, so if you’re into theater, and have a free evening, maybe check out their current show (it’s an update of a classic comedy, One Man, Two Guvnors right now). Also, the Art Institute is phenomenal and many people will recommend, but if you go, go down to the basement level and see the miniature rooms, they are unique and so cool.
I am a museum person, so YMMV. The Art Institute (but this really deserves more than one day, so if you do go, go to their website first and decide what you want to see), the Field Museum, and the Museum of Science and Industry are my favorites.
You’ll be kinda close to one of my favorite neighborhoods, Bridgeport! Home of the White Sox and birthplace of several former mayors. Maria’s is a great old slashie bar (liquor store/bar) that’s recently had a huge overhaul by the owner’s son and they’re just opening a restaurant space next door and have a fab patio. They have beer from great Bridgeport tiny brewery Marz, and my friend Nolan DJs on Mondays. There is a great portrait of Maria on the wall, who still hangs out and works the door or bar most nights. The Co-Prosperity Sphere has lots of art happenings and other events, and is also entangled in the Marz/Maria scene. Pleasant House has real good English savoury and sweet pies too.
Oooh, hyde parker of 8 years here (although only until June 1st, after which I will no longer even be in Chicago, a fact about which I am still firmly in denial)!
In terms of Hyde Park, PaigePoo basically covered it, I would just add that A10 also has excellent drinks and french fries and a nice bar, though the food is otherwise shitty, and if you’re into books/bookstores, the seminary coop and 57th street books are both excellent.
Other things to do further afield: the Garfield Conservatory is lovely and free, wandering around Wicker Park is always fun if you want to go hipster watching (and also has excellent tacos at Big Star if you don’t mind the mobs), I can highly recommend the brunch at Lula Cafe in Logan Square (and there is another awesome bookstore around the corner), and we have recently fallen in love with a japanese restaurant in Bucktown called Izakaya Mita, which has among other things some truly amazing mushrooms.
If you wind up in the Andersonville area around a meal time, I don’t know what Taste of Lebanon puts in their lentil soup– possibly crack?– but it remains the best lentil soup I have ever eaten. Plus, Women and Children First bookstore is nearby.
Is it too late to join Toast Post?
Maybe there should be another round now that we know there will be no next year 🙁 I missed it this year and was thinking, oh well, I’ll do it next year, before the tragic announcement.
(edited to fix that I posted a comment about visiting Chicago in reply to this one and vice versa. It’s been that kind of day)
I would join if there was another round!
when do you guys turn the a/c on? we just had central air installed in our house when we got a new furnace a few months ago, and it’s the first time i’ve ever had full-unit a/c…and now i’m locked in a battle of wills with chicago over how hot i will allow the house to get before want it on. part of the problem is that the main floor can be totally livable while the upstairs attic-converted-to-a-bedroom space is unbearably warm and currently 4/4 of the windows up there are effectively nonfunctional (broken sash weight, broken screen, 2 behind the headboard of our bed). we are getting some windows replaced in a few weeks but in the meantime i am stubbornly trying to decide on a temp at which i will be forced to give in to the electric-eating monster that is a/c.
Well, I am a cold-blooded lizard person who is still running my heat, but I generally turn the AC on when it is consistently above 80 F in the house. That’s mostly because I have a long-haired cat and I don’t want her to overheat. I will also turn it on to more reasonable levels if I’m having homeothermic company over.
i think that may be my threshold as well!! it was only when it got to 81 inside yesterday that i started to feel distinctly uncomfortable, which i thought was weird because i’m fine with 81 outside?? but then i started thinking about how funny it is that also when it’s under 70 inside i get pretty chilly, so basically the range of comfortable indoor temperatures is The 70s, which seems weirdly specific!
For me the a/c is less about temperature per se and more about humidity. I can be perfectly comfortable in a house that’s 85 if the humidity is low, but in the 70s with high humidity–no way.
Yes, this. Get a hygrometer. It’s included on the middle-of-the-line temp gauges. Many of us must keep hygrometers and monitor them in rooms where we keep sensitive wood musical instruments, for example. Others must monitor indoor humidity for family members with breathing difficulties. You want to aim for any reading between 40% and 60% humidity.
I finished reading the KonMari book this morning, and after eye-rolling and snarking pretty hard I was very touched by the conclusion. I’ve been getting rid of stuff in large quantities for the past ten years, but I like this idea for a final push, though I will need to figure out some drawers for clothing storage and a few other tweaks. If you did it and are happy with the outcome I’d love to hear your pro tips.
I collected a bunch of shoe boxes and used them to organize all my dresser drawers in obsessively organized ways (mostly by pattern and/or colour gradient). I LOVE to show people who come over to my house. Happy purging!
I’ve been reading KonMarie and reading about her “tidying” her siblings’ rooms and her family’s house made me want to write a KonMarie-themed fanfic in which her family has been held hostage by her and they just back away slowly and live under the rule of this teenage tyrant.
i read it, but slowly and had to return it to the library before i mastered her folding techniques for clothes. but i get the concept.
i had mixed feelings about it. i love the idea of pulling things out by category and testing the joy-o-meter of each thing, and i like the folding advice. i’m not so into the idea that everything besides clothes and books [and i forget what else] is some sort of sundry item. coming from a person who ditched a screwdriver and then broke a ruler for her folly, i reserved the right to write anything off that i didn’t like, and decided that if something like tools are a much bigger thing in my life, they could be their own category and treated as such.
i was facing too many projects and then travel, so i put off the actual purging until now. i am also a periodic serial purger, and i’m changing weight right now, so other than clothes, i’m not sure how much i will truly purge … however, i did to some rearranging in my kitchen and was surprised at how much i was ready to part with, so i’m going to start the process soon and see where it goes. we also have some furniture to either buy or build, so i’m thinking that it will be a slow, evolving process, but maybe this time next year, will be largely finished?
it is my birthday today, everything in my life is terrible, and I’ve been visiting my parents for three weeks pretending everything is fine. i am going to have to go for a drive just to scream.
I read that last sentence as “I’m going to have to go for a drive to get ice cream” at first.
I hope things get better soon. Gentle hugs if you want them.
<3
I just sent out my share of ToastPosts (so late! so sorry!) and promptly found ToastPost for ME in my mailbox (thanks kaylar_beastie! I love your abstract art, and golden envelope!). Also I bought red lipstick out of Toast-sadness, even though I don’t even wear makeup usually. What am I going to do with it now? Wear it for the cat?
Also I’m going to order a shitload of books because I’m an Adult, and it’s my money.
“I’m going to X because I’m an Adult, and it’s my money,” is the best and most perfect justification for buying books, chocolate, or anything else, really.
I’m still learning to do this. The Toast is actually helping with it.
I love lipstick even though I am not comfortable wearing it to work or in 99% of situations. Put it on and wear it to a coffee shop so you can get artful red stains on your cup while you read something lovely, like you’re a character in a movie or a tumblr aesthetic post.
Work, no, god no.
I’m not much of a coffee shop person… I’m thinking about wearing it to a wedding I’m invited to, but I know I’ll get Comments from people I’ve known all my life (and they’ve known me Unpainted). Alternatively, to the Night Vale live show in October, where nobody will know me, but everyone will be lovely.
I see absolutely nothing wrong in wearing lipstick for the cat!
Just don’t kiss the cat while wearing it.
Toasts! Does anyone know how long a nail polish can keep unopened? I found my color and it is, of course, a limited edition. If I grab a few bottles now, will they still be good two years down the line?
I think for two years it should be okay- I have opened nail polish from a decade and a half ago that is fine. Nail polish thinner exists too, although I’ve never used it so I can’t vouch for it.
Varies wildly, in my experience. I’m moving so I just sorted through my nail polish collection– a few that were 2-3 years old had completely clotted, but my own discontinued fave from 6 years ago is still going strong. (As is a bottle I got in a party favor bag when I was nine, which I mostly keep around as a wonder of science.) I say go ahead and grab it! Who knows, maybe in 2-4 years we’ll have optical color matching and auto-formulation nail polish kiosks in every Sephora, so you’ll be able to replicate it.
Anyone else listening to Tanis? I just started this morning and I am so hooked that I subscribed to their Patreon after the third episode. It hits all my horror/scifi buttons.
I tried it but found it not interesting enough to keep listening. The Black Tapes is very, very good though, and Alice Isn’t Dead is really picking up steam right now. It’s creepy, but not creepy enough to give you nightmares.
I’m meeting my partner’s mom next week! On her birthday! Do I get her a present? What do I get her?? He claims to not know what she likes, which is unhelpful and probably not true.
Flowers? Unless she has a horrible allergy or specific aversion, they’re usually a safe bet.
Maybe a bottle of wine?
I was going to say a bottle of wine and some fancy chocolates, and then other people beat me to it.
I agree with the people suggesting wine or chocolate! It would be nice to bring, like, a treat–not necessarily a present tied up with a bow and all–and consumables are always a good bet.
When I need to give a treat but I don’t want to grab a box of Whitmans, I like to go local. Honey/chocolates/meringue puffs/popcorn or whatever that is made where I live seems more meaningful to me, or at least it has the appeal of novelty.
Sorry, longpost incoming! I had a baffling, incomprehensible confrontation with a friend yesterday and am…. very confused. And mad.
The condensed version is: I show up to friend A’s house, friend is A monosyllabic and, well, unfriendly, I chalk this up to depression. Friend B shows up to join us later; friend A and I greet them warmly. A is effusively affectionate toward B. We have what I think are normal, fun hanging-out times. At the end of the visit, A explodes with anger at myself and B about a pre-existing conflict that I thought had not come up at all, and then shuts themselves in their room.
I started having a panic thingy of some kind and left. Several hours later, I got a text from friend A wherein they indicated that they wanted to talk about it and “resolve the issue.” No acknowledgement that they might have been out of line, though, or any hint that they might apologize for seething silently then blowing up, instead of addressing their emotions constructively.
I don’t want to deal with a situation like this again, since it is my specific self-harm-triggering anxiety nightmare. (Not the fact that A was upset; the fact that they didn’t indicate in any way that B and I were bothering them until they’d built up a head of steam, then went straight for the emotional jugular. [They said something that touches on Big Issues for B and me.])
I’m freaked out and haven’t answered their text.
I know I haven’t been great to A lately, and we’ve had a lot of ups and downs over the years, but I will not tolerate this kind of tantrum from anyone in my life. I do not want people in my life who I have to walk on eggshells around, or who would rather yell at me than give me the opportunity to correct my behavior. I also have a bad gut feeling about what “resolving the issue” might mean to A.
Thanks for listening, Toast.
This really reminds me of the behavior of my former roommate, ex-friend person whose behavior verged on emotionally abusive for a lot of the time we lived together. I tried to set boundaries unsuccessfully, and finally just stopped trying and really suffered a lot of anxious bummer feelings from this person until I fully cut them out of my life.
All that to say, big ups to you for drawing the line of what is unacceptable behavior and recognizing that “resolving the issue” probably doesn’t mean A acknowledging their wrongdoing but rather calling you in to tell you what they perceive as wrongdoing on your part. Setting boundaries is a really hard thing to do (at least, it is for me).
I think you can acknowledge that you’ve been crappy lately, but let A know that you feel like a line was crossed – if A doesn’t want to recognize that, or tries to derail things, or blame you for not perceiving imperceptible emotions, maybe they’re not someone who is good to have as a close friend.
Cutting my shitty friend who acted so much like this out of my life (a year of bullshit eggshell walking, it still makes me angry) was one of the best things I’ve ever done, I just wish I had recognized the signs and pieced things together sooner. I see a lot of the same signs here, but obviously I don’t have the whole context.
Thank you.
Yeah, friend A has crossed a line into inappropriately controlling, I think. Friend B agrees, having been similarly alarmed by the situation. It’s great to have an outside viewpoint confirming what we both believe.
i used to have some difficult friends. if you think they are too difficult and are going to blow up on you anytime you bring up problems with them, i think it’s ok to initiate some kind of quiet exit strategy.
however, if you think there is a possible resolution here, you are entirely within your rights to set up boundaries about how any discussion is to happen from here forward. if you want to reply to them, you can say “i’m kind of freaked out that we spent the whole afternoon with you only to be blind-sighted x hours into hanging out.” and see what they have to say to that. if an apology is not in the cards, or if an immediate justification for why they were angry happens, i would consider avoiding this person. their idea of resolving the issue is likely to contain a bunch of manipulative crap that will be just as bad as your recent exchange.
but if you do get an olive branch or you want to move forward anyway, you can clearly state your needs, like “i need to know that if we’re going to talk it out, it will be a calm, rational discussion, and not another escalated outburst. if you are too upset to assure us of that, i think it needs to wait.” and i say “us” there because maybe you want to do this with friend B?
by the way, have you & friend B talked about it? what was their take on it?
Thanks a bunch for your feedback and thoughts– especially “”i need to know that if we’re going to talk it out, it will be a calm, rational discussion, and not another escalated outburst. if you are too upset to assure us of that, i think it needs to wait.”” That’s the missing script that I need in order to move forward with this.
B and I… well, we are both having Brain Problems about this situation, and as such we’re veering back and forth between terrible guilt for the ongoing issue and how it has hurt A’s feelings, sadness, bewilderment, and anger.
B and I agree that it sounds like A is trying to control our behavior in ways that cross a line. Namely, it seems like A doesn’t want to see B’s and my obvious affection for each other. Which…. is bizarre, and totally unfeasible. Friend A is jealous and hurt that my friendship with B has waxed as my friendship with them has waned, and I understand that, but their actions are so very not okay.
I guess our enthusiasm for each other is probably quite obnoxious to someone whose main depression issues are “Nobody really likes me and I am replaceable,” and who is hurt by almost everything that happens to them. But I really thought we weren’t doing anything obnoxious the other day.
Reality check: if a friend turns into a raw nerve over your relationship with another friend/significant other/etc, that’s like…. not cool, right?
I’m visiting my parents for the week, so here’s a #PeakDad story, for a very specific variant on the usual Dad stories:
Rather than using a motorized coffee grinder to prep grounds for my dad’s french press, I used his hand grinder that his father made for him. It’s a cast iron mechanism and decorative top, with a wooden housing and drawer. I grabbed the stick cinnamon out of the spice cupboard, rather than the cinnamon bark, so dad said I should break it up more with a mortar and pestle (from the collection of 8 in the coffee cabinet), since the grinder can’t handle such large pieces. He also told me that if I wish dried scallops in my coffee, dried scallops we have, in quantity. Although he would prefer I use a mortar and pestle for those, rather than the coffee grinder, since they would affect the flavor of all future grounds
dried scallops in the coffee? do tell!
I did not, in fact, do that. He pointed out that there’s also dried sea cucumber, in case scallops were not to my taste.
Oceanic coffee? I am perplexed.
It was a jest. My father makes these jests to be silly.
i’ve never heard of putting either of these things in coffee before! this is fascinating, where does this tradition come from?
It…it doesn’t. I was attempting to communicate that my father has an odd sense of humor.
ha! totally read it literally. oops!
So, apparently, did everybody else. I probably should have told the story better.
I got it! Mostly because my dad has a similar sense of humor, and this sounds like a conversation I have had with him (except about tea, not coffee. Coffee is the devil’s brew, at least according to my dad.)
I’m late to the party (heyy-ooooh west coast kids!), and I wanted to share book thoughts!
My therapist, after listening to me wax poetic about how much I hate men who talk too much, encouraged me to read “Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain. It is excellent, even though I pretty much want to rip apart every extrovert featured in the book. It was like reading my own feelings when the voice in my head is saying “shut UP already, for fuck’s sake.”
Also, a few weeks ago someone on here recommended “Spinster” by Kate Bolick. AND FOR THIS I THANK YOU. New favorite book. So good. So perfect. So awesome. I love it.
Between these two books, Jen Kirkman’s “I Know What I’m Doing — and Other Lies I Tell Myself,” and “All The Single Ladies” (another Toast recommendation) by Rebecca Traister, I feel like I am beginning to live my best life.
I’m serious. I feel like I’ve been spending 29 years trying to fit a round peg into a square hole, and I feel like I’ve found my people through these four books.
Introverted ladies who don’t want a nuclear family, UNITE!
Can I unite even if I happen to be a married lady? Because I read Quiet and loved it. And I love it when my husband gets the hell out of dodge and leaves me alone. He’s on a business trip all this week AND I LOVE RATTLING AROUND THE HOUSE ALONE.
UNITE. No but seriously, that feeling of “I’m alone in the HOUSE and nobody will BUG ME” = the feeling I live for on a daily basis.
Confession: Sometimes I love having people over for dinner and then I *equally* love the moment that they leave and I can have that moment of “NOBODY IS IN MY SPACE, THE WORLD IS A GRAND WONDERFUL THING, LALALALALALA LOOK AT ME IN MY SWEATPANTS WITH STAINS ON THEM!”
Wow! We the same! I also recently read both Spinster and Quiet and /loved/ both! And All the Single Ladies is on my To Read list. It’s so validating isn’t it to hear about all these other people who feel exactly like I feel but they are better able to articulate?
So, yes, UNITE indeed! Yes!
I loved Quiet. But I also would love a lifelong partnership with a person who has compatible stimulus needs. Recent Ex and I are both introverts on every personality test we’ve ever taken. But:
I am one who quite likes being in proximity to a small number of familiar and trusted people– it’s only large groups and high-stimulus environments that I dislike. A perfect life, for me, would be hanging out on adjacent bean bags with a lover or close friend (or, in a pinch, a dog), a permanently full pot of tea, an unending stack of books, a notebook, and a pencil that never gets dull. Some talking, and some not talking.
Ex needed much more completely alone time than I did– Peak Alone is Peak Anxious for me– but was also increasingly sensation-seeking by the time we broke up: loud parties, experimenting with intoxicants and hallucinogens, interested in experimenting with other sexual partners.
We seriously confused each other. Cain’s book, with its chapter on sensitivity to external stimuli, was the first resource I ever saw that suggested *why*: Ex and I are introverts for totally different reasons, even as neither of us resembles the extroverts of our acquaintance.
The joy of trading one anxiety for another.
I have solved to dilemma of how I am getting to the “Boston” Beyonce show next week (by myself) without a car. Yay!
New dilemma: party bus full of people I don’t know. Because I do super well with strangers. Yay?
Having seen Beyoncé when she came to my town, let me assure you the awkward ride will be worth it. You could go by foot and walk for days but it’d be worth it. She’s truly astounding live.
(Not to dismiss your situation – I would feel very weird in that case too! – but just trying to give you a silver lining.)
Oh trust, I am full of squee and flapping that I get to see Beyoncé. It’s just combined with hints of sadness that all of my Beyoncé loving friends live in my old city.
I had similar joy/sadness when I booked a *single* ticket to the front row of an upcoming Dar Williams concert. All my Dar peeps are elsewhere.
[new city grumpiness]
So uh, I have been reading the Toast since its inception and have occasionally commented via WordPress (like, maybe half a dozen times since 2013) but for some reason or another never made an IntenseDebate account and I feel real dumb about it. Y’all are all so smart and funny and wonderful to hear from, and I enjoy these threads so much, and I am a big dummy for waiting until the Toast is about to shut down to say hi. I so want to go to the promised NYC closing party and the prospect of not having actually interacted with anyone motivated me to get involved!
But anyway, hi! Here I am! I look forward to chatting to all y’all in the remaining months.
any news about the NYC closing party? does anyone have a rough date in mind? I need to start planning for this!
The girl from the r/relationships post who was accused of being cold when she wanted the guy she dumped to move out is back with an update!
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4…
I’m a late arrival but I just want to thank aqueousmedium for the recommendation of Victor LaValle’s The Ballad of Black Tom. I blew through it yesterday (long commute home) and today (had some downtime between morning interview and lunch with a friend). It was a great read! Engrossing, vivid, lovely but horrifying too.
I read most of the latter half in a coffee shop while waiting for my lunch companion, and just as I got to the climactic scene of eldritch horror, the shop was playing “In the Hall of the Mountain King.” Which was… strangely perfect. In the book things kept escalating and in the shop the music kept speeding up and I was glued to the page (well, phone) and if anyone had tapped me on the shoulder I would have jumped a mile and screamed.
May you all have such a multisensory reading experience next time you read for pleasure.
I’ll ask again next open thread, but I’ll be in London from July 22nd to August 1st! Any London toasties have recommendations for a (super cool) Canadian traveling alone? Any cool sights I should check out, besides the obvious touristy ones? Tips? Advice? Want me to haul over some Canadian snacks or packages for you free of charge?
hit me up 😀
Late to the party BUT I did want to chime in and say I moved to San Diego for grad school last year and quickly realized that I MUCH preferred NYC. That's probably just a personal preference, but I'm finding San DIego very WASP-y and bro-y, with the major military presence. There isnt much of a sense of community, outside my school for me. The weather is lovely, though.