Women In Western Art History Who Are Pretty Much Finished With Samuel’s Whole Deal, Whatever He’s Trying To Do

by Mallory Ortberg · May 25, 2016

hm1

Samuel? Yes, I seem to recall him and his bullshit, I believe, but it’s been such a long time

 

hm2

Whenever you’re ready to stop, Samuel, that’s when we’ll be finished. You tell me

 

hm3

Samuel…Samuel…Samuel and all of his shit…no, I’m sorry, that doesn’t ring a bell

 

hm4

Samuel, I can honestly just straight up can say “bless your heart” now about you and your whole deal, I honestly mean that, good luck with whatever you’re doing

 

(c) The Royal College of Surgeons of England; Supplied by The Public Catalogue Foundation

Samuel! Ahh, who could forget Samuel and his whole, I guess, situation, I mean besides me I guess

 

hm6

I honestly don’t know who you’re talking about

 

hm7

I’m not kidding, I’ve never met anyone named Samuel in my life

 

hm8

Samuel!! he was so fun, but there’s no need to give him my new number, no

 

hm8

who

 

hm9

i’m so sorry, you must be mistaken, i’ve actually never met anyone in my whole life

 

hm10

Sam…u…el…

 

Screen Shot 2016-05-24 at 9.27.30 PM

I’m terribly sorry, I can’t hear anything when I’m facing right, Samuel who?

[Images via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


66 Comments

  1. aquamarinaveen +190

    totally gonna use “I’m terribly sorry, I can’t hear anything when I’m facing [left], Samuel who?” on my brother whose name is samuel because i am deaf in my left ear

    1. MissPippi +24

      I have terrible hearing in my left ear (less than 50%) so I TOTALLY get this.

    2. mydonkeyfeet +12

      My brother is also Samuel and I feel a little sorry for him now, mostly because he would not see the humor in this whole fantastic post.

  2. falcofield +87

    I love #2’s straight up refusal to even do an artfully disdainful pose.

    1. AlmondTort +91

      That and her FABULOUS jacket, I always come away from these Art History posts wanting at least one piece of clothing.

        2. alder_tree +13

          Pretty sure the cuffs are woven lace, not crocheted. I could be wrong. Either way they’re EPIC.

          1. uowen +12

            You think so? Could be; I’m not knowledgeable about woven lace, but the border looked very familiar in a (chain 5, double crochet into next 5 stitches) five times kind of way. (In some eras, combining purchased woven motifs with hand crochet was also pretty common, fwiw.) But yes, the epicness subsumes such petty considerations.

          2. alder_tree +4

            The lace I know about is a little bit of crocheted lace, a little about tatted lace, and a bit more about knitted lace.

  3. larsgarvey +48

    Ah, yes, that Samuel. Right, of course. Oh, we’re still talking about him?

  4. sausagedog +200

    “who” lady is GOALS in all aspects, from brows to sleeves to disdain to plaster wall decorations

    1. swordsnspindles +71

      I love her smug yet noble lips. I bet men were terrified of her at dinner parties.

      2. challengeher +44

        I look like a less pretty version of that lady and men are terrified of me everywhere.

    1. Stephanie Klassen +5

      Yes, the incipient mustache, the man-hands, the plunging man collar: not that all these can’t be lady attributes, but pretty sure that’s a painting of a dude.

        1. mydonkeyfeet +17

          (It turns out to be a self-portrait by Jacques François Delyen. But I’m sure he’s thoroughly done with Samuel too.)

  7. MothsAndStars +96

    This is especially delightful because so many of these women look like ancestors of mine. I don’t think there are any Samuels in my family line, and I have just now decided that it’s because all of my foremothers just disdained him right out of existence.

  8. builtahouse +27

    laugh-crying in recognition of all of this.

    you could do male-name bingo and it still applies. why.

    1. littlehuntingcreek +52

      Maybe LMM is a Time Traveler and he dresses that way in the past because time change can change your sexual orientation.

  11. emmysuhweeks +74

    Something tells me Samuel has one or two STDS, an aversion to dishwashing, and an overbearing mother.

    1. FeuerroteZora +64

      Oh, he likes to TELL people his mother is overbearing, but in fact she’s self-effacing and sweet and has done so much for him…

      Too much, if we’re being honest.

    1. walrathem +6

      I recently found myself making that face and doing that headshake when faced with something I just refused to allow into my concept of the universe. it’s such a perfect little moment.

  14. rebeccalibrarian +16

    I really want that red flower/hair decoration thing in #11 because I consistently wear giant flowers in my hair and that would just go really well in my collection.

  15. Unreadaethel +9

    Is the last one wearing a football mouth guard/sticking her tongue behind her lips in that way you do when you’re making a monkey face at a small child?

    2. RsDeathGlare +4

      It took me a second to figure it out, but I think she’s showing a bit of teeth there.

  16. Iris +4

    There’s an upper lip that does that, and when the mouth is at rest you can see the teeth. I think it’s a lip shape thing, rather than a buck teeth thing, but maybe I’m wrong.
    How come some single features are reproducible like that? But they don’t have names.

    1. atroposofnothing +5

      Alveolar prognathism can totally do it (imagine your teeth are a picket fence around the house of your tongue. If you pushed out on the tops of the fence posts, that would look like the bottom half of alveolar prognathism.
      Sometimes it is a lip tissue thing, but that’s usually only when some sort of breathing-obstruction thing is going on that makes a person breathe through their mouths more often than not. I’ve worked on some old ladies with alveolar prognathism whose lips could cover their teeth and still have room to purse disapprovingly. Tissues can and often are shaped by habit.

    1. FeuerroteZora +33

      Oh my stars and garters, that first one?? Is she… in her WEDDING DRESS? Because if she is, well, I imagine her groom caught one glance of her expression and keeled right on over. Probably expressions like that are the reason the wedding veil was invented–don’t want the groom dying too soon, now, do we?

    3. walrathem +16

      “I have better things to do with my time than this, you have better things to do with your time than this, why are we bothering?”

  18. RunGracieRun +11

    The exoticism in #5 is kinda troubling, but she also looks like a total badass. So.

  19. shellygrrl +12

    #9 looks like she is a million percent done with Samuels and how DARE anyone bring that name up to her.

  21. rishabree +20

    Sorry, Samuel, but I’m too busy being intensely in love with #2’s dress to worry about your problems.

  22. samburgers +46

    i’m so sorry, you must be mistaken, i’ve actually never met anyone in my whole life

    correct

  23. v_d_budenmayer +40

    Not only do I actually physically resemble the woman in the second picture, but I am a high school teacher, so I am 99% sure that is a portrait of me.

  24. houseplanted +27

    I want a print of that haughty, satin-duvet-wearing woman with the black hair. I will hang it next to my front door as the last thing I see before leaving my house each day. For inspiration.

    “Who” indeed.

    1. RLT +12

      I totally remember this scene, but not until you posted this did I realize that those are middle fingers.

  26. RLT +11

    I wish wish WISH I knew someone named Samuel so that I could forward this to him. Oh god, it hurts not to be able to forward this to a Samuel, or even better someone that used to date/fuck/be married to a Samuel. Why could this not have been to Matthew or Michael or Chad or Steve?

  27. iiiiimnotsorryy +31

    Ok I used to date a Samuel and these ladies are taking exactly the right attitude towards him

  28. PettyVengeanceFetish +27

    When the toast shuts down these are what I’m going to miss the most

  30. Apfelmoose +22

    There are several Samuels in my past who I can’t quite recall just now.

    From time to time, they ask third parties to pass messages to my inbox because they think that maybe my email address has changed (it has not). To a man, these Samuels wish to declare that we shared something special and that, of everyone they’ve lost contact with (wonder why?), they miss me the most. The best and most hilarious thing is that, because they never thought me special enough to, say, get to know my friends or anything about my life outside of them, the third party is never a close friend or, indeed, anyone who ever was a close friend. Rather, it is always ALWAYS a slightly baffled but well-meaning former acquaintance who maybe worked at the same company or went drinking in the same bars as me a decade ago.

    Oh Samuel.