Illustration: Matt Lubchansky
Property: 177 Graystone Avenue, Eugene, OR
Inspector: James Vandermeer
Date: December 10, 2015
In attendance: Seller only
Weather: Foggy, around 50 degrees
Rain the last three days?: No
Radon test: Yes
Cursed burial ground test: No
Exterior:
Wall Cladding, Flashing, Gutters and Trim
– Some hairline cracks in areas around home. These appear typical.
– Wall cladding is Hard-Coated Stucco and has no other signs of deterioration.
– Nest of one of the moss folk is blocking gutter over front door. Recommend removal in order to continue proper drainage.
Doors:
– Rear entrance shows evidence of dry rot in bottom left corner.
Vegetation, Grading, Drainage:
– French drain should be added near front entrance.
– Brownie or hobgoblin home in oak tree should be investigated further. A brownie could be offered food in exchange for lawn mowing and other odd jobs, but hobgoblins should be asked to leave, as they only get nastier in periods of change and transition.
– Thorny bushes obstructing access should be removed or relocated.
Interior:
Ceilings – Old slime trails around air vents suggest recent slug monster infestation. Recommend further expert investigation to determine if infestation is ongoing.
Walls – Inspected
Doors – Master bedroom door will not close easily, needs adjustment. Interior door of guest bedroom closet has several long, vertical scratches. This is indicative of boggart activity, but when a glass of milk was placed next to closet, it did not curdle. Perhaps boggart has moved elsewhere in the house, or was passing through when house was vacant? Recommend monitoring this and other closets and calling specialist if needed.
Other:
– Attic area inspected. Approximately three small, rough holes in drywall near floor, indicative of either rodent or imp behavior. Rodents more likely in this climate.
Structural Components:
Plumbing System – Plumbing drain systems inspected. Plumbing distribution system mostly sound, with a couple of leaks. Water drips from control knob on tub in master bathroom. Water also leaks from beneath guest bathroom sink and consistently pools in the shape of the gytrash.
Main water shut-off is the green lever located in the basement at the pressure tank. This is for your information.
Illustration by Matt Lubchansky
Heating/Central Air Conditioning:
– Distribution system is a brand that often has problems with spiritual possession. While there is no way to tell whether this particular unit will experience that issue, it is an expensive unit to replace and should come into the buyer’s consideration.
– Woodstove and chimney appear in good condition, with the exception of one stain in ceiling next to chimney.
Electrical System:
– Service and grounding equipment, main overcurrent device, main and distribution panels inspected
– Main panel is located on the back exterior wall of the house; one distribution panel is inside the garage.
– Strangely feisty electrical field present in the rear left corner of the living room. As no wiring appears to run behind that area, implacable spirits are more likely than electrical malfunction.
Foundations, Basement, and Crawlspace:
– Damage to right, rear corner of basement walls highly suggestive of the presence of a Basement Wyrm. While Wyrm’s temperament is unknown, age of home and condition of basement walls suggest that ritual appeasement should be done in another 2-3 years.
– Foundation is masonry block.
– Crawlspace is filled with the haunting whispers of a thousand agonized spirits as they seek revenge for an ancient wrong done, a misery so terrible that it soaks the air, a woe so painful that it tightens in your chest and winds its way around your heart.
Addendum:
No clear category for this, but the cat door and series of cat tunnels leading out from the living room, through the garage, and opening into the backyard is definitely not to code either.
Summary:
This report is provided to highlight those findings that the inspector believes are significant in nature, health and safety concerns. Some of these issues, such as the electrical anomaly and the heating distribution unit, should be investigated immediately as they pose the greatest concern. Other issues are mentioned merely to make the buyer aware.
I really want a series called This Old Haunted House. Universe: make it happen.
Crawlspace is filled with the haunting whispers of a thousand agonized spirits as they seek revenge for an ancient wrong done, a misery so terrible that it soaks the air, a woe so painful that it tightens in your chest and winds its way around your heart.
“Well there’s your problem right there.”
Related note: am I the only one who alleviates the interminable boredom of my partner’s This Old House watching by pretending every single scene is a prelude to hardcore gay porn? “Tommy’s gonna drill down right here.” “The length and texture of this wood is particularly impressive, Gary.”
The strong Boston accents only add to the allure.
oh no, my husband and I greatly enjoy a This Old House drinking game. Any time you can say “that’s what she said”, you drink. Particularly good for episodes where Tommy is framing stuff up.
I also have confusing crotch feelings about Roger.
And the segment where they guess what a particular new tool or gadget is for. It is always for the filthiest carnal act imaginable.
Not anymore, you’re not!
Agree! (also agree with your related note–especially now that the younger guy runs the show)
Though I picture this article more like “the Supernatural guys finally get day jobs,” which is totally something I would watch. Seriously, though, how do they make enough money to continuously travel cross-country?
Supposedly, credit card fraud, but frankly as a long-term solution supernatural home inspector is easier to believe.
Also pool sharking
Shingles on mansard appear near end of life. Will likely need replacement within five years, possibly sooner if hatchlings observed on neighboring property develop ability to fly and/or breath fire.
okay but there is actually a stain on my ceiling next to the chimney
oh god that’s a sure sign of a kobold, better get that checked out post haste
I’ve already plastered it over
doomed
I mean it’s not the worst sprite to take up residence, they’re pretty ambivalent with regular appeasement
You should consider (without making eye contact with anything near said ceiling stain) placing a small bowl of milk beneath the stain. Just to make sure.
You should have the roof flashing checked out, and then the joists in the attic checked for water damage. You may also need your chimney masonry re-pointed.
I’m sorry I’m no fun
If your house is over forty years old you may need to have it relined. Stainless steel is best if you have a woodstove attached. And the iron in the steel will repel most supernatural manifestations.
I actually have a diploma in this from the province of Ontario Department of Energy.
IIRC, there’s no appliance connected to that flue, but a stainless steel chimney cap would have the same warding powers as the liner, and would prevent weather damage to the top of the chimney. Michigan winters can be very hard on stonework.
(I feel like this thread got weird. Did it get weird? I’m super-awkward, help)
It started out weird and then got normal. Which is weird.
And no, while a cover will keep water out of the chimney when it is not in use, a clay liner will break down and crack after about 20 years. Sooner if it is not used constantly, because of the temprature changes.
A cap in my vocabulary is not a cover.
If it is being used by a woodstove, the creosote and other chemicals in the smoke will eat at the mortar and at the brick. I don’t really know about stone, it’s rarely used for chimneys here except as a decorative facing. It would depend on the stone (limestone? granite?)
If a gas appliance is using the chimney an aluminum liner will be fine, because what is going up the chimney is basically water, rather than heat and smoke.
Most people overestimate the durability of masonary chimneys. Factory built chimneys are warmer and most carry a 25 year warranty so they draw better and you know when they are done. Masonary chimneys are cold and often oversized and break down within 20 years without any warranty being available. They are also much more expensive.
On the third hand, an open fire is the best place to watch the fire fairies in their castles.
All this needs is a bad pun to transmogrify completely into a Dad Thread.
I really wish my home inspection had been this thorough. I’m pretty sure I have several of these problems.
Same!
My house inspection was annoying in that it didn’t mention spirits or hauntings at all and when I asked questions, the answer was always “it depends” or “we can’t give you advice or else you may sue us if it doesn’t work”…. sigh
They’re all, we can’t inspect what we can’t see! And I’m all, well, you should have looked harder! There is clearly a ghost of some kind in the bedroom.
We have an appointment to view a very very old cottage on Friday afternoon. I may need Mr. James Vandermeer’s number, but only if he can add a Cursed Burial Ground test onto the inspection sheet.
Cat tunnels? Are these real? Because that would be kind of fun.
Oh my gosh, I’m responding almost a full day later to tell you they are real! In the first house my partner and I owned the previous owner had built cat tunnels that spanned from the basement to the attic – there was even a screened in cat observatory on the roof. We always suspected the tunnels were more extensive than we knew because we would sometimes close our cat up in a bathroom or a closet when we had company only to find him in the living room minutes later curled up in someone’s lap (almost always our most allergic friend).
Aaaah! I want cat tunnels in my house now. But there is an element of “just cat” to not knowing how the cat manages to do the things it does.
Oh, now I get why it took my brother so long to sell his house in Eugene!
Have you all seen Paranormal Home Inspectors? If you have, and if this in fact the joke, please ignore this comment. (The home inspector is totally the skeptic in the show though!)
It’s not longer on Netflix but it might still be on Hulu..
The house I bought is over 100 years old, so my inspection went pretty much exactly like this. My only advice is that if you do see signs of a Basement Wyrm, there’s really no reason to wait to do the appeasement if you have the money for it now or can get the sellers to pay for it. Done correctly, you may not have to bother with doing it again ever, so it’s totally worth it, and then you won’t have to worry so much about keeping your cats out of the basement.
I’m pretty sure our cat *is* a former Basement Wyrm, so we actually let her handle it.
I love you because I just attended a home inspection this past weekend and read the report the next day. And am now wondering WHY DID WE NOT CHECK FOR BURIAL GROUNDS.
– Distribution system is a brand that often has problems with spiritual possession. While there is no way to tell whether this particular unit will experience that issue, it is an expensive unit to replace and should come into the buyer’s consideration.
Also, where my Zinsco electrical panel having people at? OH GOD WILL MY HOUSE EXPLODE OR NOT
Yes? No? Maybe?
My inspector was like, “There are zillions of these still out there, and nearly all of them have been perfectly fine, so it’s up to you but I’m mostly putting this on there as an informational thing.” Because, yes, we were getting a house inspected a month ago, and of COURSE it had a Zinsco panel.
This is entirely consonant with the 3 years I spent in Eugene. Fortunately, I was renting.
I was really lucky to get an inspection report with items color-coded by urgency, because, as a first-time homebuyer, it never would have occurred to me to prioritize the hobgoblin infestation.
OH SHIT GUYS
I just logged into my mortgage account and my new mortgage payment is straight up seriously literally $666.66.
Who did I piss off? Will sage work or do I need something stronger?
Well shit. I think you need to burn the house down and start all over.
I think it might be time to crack out the offerings of mead & incense, maybe a firstborn if things really get out of hand
$666.66 is MUCH preferable to $666.00, though, right?
Sage is never a bad thing, although if you can get an elder to perform the ceremony it will be more effective than a do it yourself job. The local Friendship Centre may be able to help you there.
And ask the mortgage company either to change your payment to $667.00 or to go biweekly if your paycheques are weekly or biweekly.
It will change within the next year because of taxes and/or insurance. Enjoy it while you can.
I legitimately want to live in this world.
This would explain so many of the weird things our techs have found during chimney inspections.
Love this post! The crawl space is my favorite. You’re brilliant!
Love this post! The crawl space is my favorite. You're brilliant!
Not anymore, you're not!