Who’s Coming To See “The Boy” With Me Next Year?

by Mallory Ortberg · December 3, 2015

Why do I have to wait a single second to watch this movie?

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


80 Comments

    2. builtahouse +24

      literally was covering my face in the theater that showed this because GOD NO WHY.

      also it struck me as TOO Toasty, and I get more than enough Ortbergian horror on this website thanks so much.

      1. sausagedog +6

        I cannot get through the trailer by myself, would you mind telling me what is Toast-y about it so I can either proceed in an informed fashion or “nope” my way out of this thread and off of this planet?

          1. sausagedog +47

            I… I was not aware that haunted evil dolls were an important part of the Toast? 

            Welp, it’s been great, everyone, but uh I have to leave to uh
            not
            see any dolls
            ever

        2. builtahouse +16

          hahaha I’m sorry, not as “a summation of the Toast” but “weirdly reminiscent of the most NOPEesque of Mallory’s horror shorts.”

          Please save me a spot on the noperocket to Mars, I will be joining you.

    1. CleverManka +34

      Right? They were pretty simple rules. Well, except for that don’t leave him alone one. I like creepy dolls but they don’t need to be in the bathroom with me while I’m pooping.

    2. majoseh +59

      yup, as a rule-follower and person aware of horror tropes, I would just to whatever they said to do with the doll! I mean, when a strange old couple tells you what to do with a creepy doll, you JUST DO IT.

    3. Hey_Cinderella +55

      EXACTLY what I was thinking! You know she’s being paid well, why not follow the rules and take photos at dinner and bed time to send as updates to the parents. Even if you personally think it is weird, try to have fun with it. Then, years later, you can laugh with your friends about how one time you got paid X grand to baby sit a doll instead of, you know, being murdered by said doll. (Apparently I have a lot of feelings about proper haunted doll care and maintenance that I’m only now just discovering.)

      1. builtahouse +27

        great now I’m mining all my humorously weird anecdotes in my head to see if I narrowly escaped a horror movie.

        PROBABLY, YEAH.

        1. Hey_Cinderella +33

          Which means you can now end all those anecdotes with, “And that’s how I avoided being murdered by a haunted doll.”

    4. TheRenleigh +30

      Right??? If you are not in a position to quit your job as a creepy doll babysitter, following the rules is the next best life choice you can make.

      1. jimmyjimjimjim +10

        Your normal human fidgeting about is enough to keep rats and bugs and stuff from eating you, not so much when you’re a creepy murder doll. So if you have a creepy murder doll as child it’s extra important to keep any bug/mouse/racoon traps in ship-shape.

        2. halloweenjack64 +6

          Raccoon traps? Why would raccoons come after the doll? Actually, that would be kind of hilarious if you got hired as a doll nanny and just went along with the rules for shits and grins and then discovered that this raccoon had an inexplicable grudge against the doll.

          (you enter the room and the raccoon is standing next to the doll)

          “Wait–what, what are you–”

          (raccoon reaches out and touches the doll’s face)

          “Don’t–you shouldn’t–”

          (raccoon turns around and rubs its ass over the doll’s face)

          “No! That’s nasty! You–”

          (raccoon runs out of the room, you follow just in time to see it scamper out a window. You breathe a sigh of relief)

          “Well, that was fuckin’ weird. Maybe it was marking its territory? Who know–”

          (you go back into the other room to see the doll holding a full-sized hunting rifle that you’ve never even seen before)

          “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH”

          (you run out of the house; standing on the front stoop is the raccoon with a loaded crossbow)

          1. jimmyjimjimjim +3

            Well if you feed the murder doll then presumably it would smell like food. That clever little raccoon bastard hiding in the attic might dig around in the doll’s pockets for treats.

            But now I want to see your movie because it sounds way better.

    6. Tea.with.jam

      This pushes all my fears buttons and is like someone taped my nightmares….so, obviously, I’M WATCHING THE HECK OUT OF THIS MOVIE.

      (My grandma lived with us and had a doll collection and I’m still not ok)

      1. CleverManka +8

        I finally found someone local to see horror films with me and I am so excited. The Burgomaster is not a fan.

        1. Es_Petal +5

          My brother in law always wants to take me to see horror films because he says my eeping and eye-hiding and so on are hilarious. Every so often I forget I hate horror movies and go to see one and he thinks it’s the funniest thing ever.

          1. CleverManka +27

            I honestly don’t have much interest in seeing this particular horror film because I love creepy dolls and they do not freak me out. I owned several as a child–including one with glass eyes and real human hair. Her name was Eliza and she was beautiful! But that relationship with dolls makes this sort of movie unrewarding for me.

            The Burgomaster watches stuff that is not strictly horror, but still nervous-making (to him) and he uses me as his coal mine canary. He closes his eyes and covers his ears and I tell him when it’s okay to look again. It’s adorable and makes me feel important.

          2. houblonchouffe +9

            I have a couple of pretty intense movie things that I just cannot handle watching under any circumstances and MrChouffe is excellent at letting me know when I can start watching again.

          4. Rituleen +2

            It is always very important to have a coal mine canary friend – you are right in feeling important!!
            I needed one while I was still scared of horror movies and it was so helpful! and now I love them and I don’t need one but am happy to be one for anyone who requires my services

    2. Rituleen +16

      omg omg omg AOKIGAHARA FOREST I AM IN
      please tell me someone’s seen the Destination Truth episode where they go into this forest and they talk about “weird” things that aren’t weird BUT NEVER MENTION THE LITTLE GHOST GIRL STANDING BETWEEN TWO OF THE CAST MEMBERS AT ONE POINT DURING THEIR INVESTIGATION

      1. CleverManka +7

        I haven’t seen that show because I swore an anti-Syfy oath back when they canceled Farscape. But that sounds awesome!

      1. CleverManka +2

        For real! I mean, it looks like a perfectly serviceable horror flick on its own, but with Natalie Dormer? FUCKING SOLD.

  6. gripyfish +22

    One of the greatest mistakes (or at least, one of the most recent great mistakes) I ever made was watching that trailer with my favorite coworker, on a day where only the two of us were in the office. We both kept jumping at sounds and accusing the other of plotting scary pranks.

    Actually, in retrospect, maybe I should have printed out a picture of Boy’s face to paste in the window of my coworker’s office.

  7. crawlkill +12

    this summer, Wes Craven’s unfinished masterpiece: Haunted Plastic Child

    also am I the only one who when he sees the words “the boy” hears Plinkett speaking it with the most contempt any human ever has from the Star Wars prequel reviews

  9. lucywoodhull +37

    Can’t we have a fundraiser for Lauren Cohan to put her in a nice rom com? Maybe with Sebastian Stan, an adorable wardrobe, and his rock-hard body? I want her to meet cute, dammit, not be afraid all the time!

  10. pretty_monster +46

    the still frame for the trailer is of a creepy doll? ALL THE NOPES. 10/10 will not watch.

  12. sausagedog +19

    no no no no no no no no i didn’t know about this and i didn’t want to know

    i couldn’t even watch Missy Elliot’s WTF because of the marionettes, i react very badly to the uncanny valley

  13. Cat +59

    I’m going to assume that this is the sequel to Lars and the Real Girl and nobody will tell me otherwise.

    1. howardbann1ster +11

      …

      This is absolutely true, and you should just not read the other comments here because… because REASONS.

    2. jimmyjimjimjim +16

      Clearly what happened was that in the middle of a massive coke binge some one pulled to movies at random from a shelf to decide what to write and ended up with Lars and Gremlins.

    2. jimmyjimjimjim +20

      I don’t feel like “please don’t leave me alone, I have PTSD from, you know, dying.” Is a big ask.

  16. Theo_Winterwood +34

    I have to be completely honest: I am looking forward to this movie perhaps an unreasonable amount. And am therefore very worried that it will probably be terrible and disappointing when it actually does come out, because such is the way with these things.

    (When they were playing the trailer for this before Crimson Peak, I might have leaned over and asked my dude in an over-enthusiastic whisper whether he thought it might be inspired by Robert the Doll, thus revealing myself to anyone who overheard as the kind of person who cares about Famous Creepy Dolls.)

          1. Theo_Winterwood +2

            Oooh, that looks really interesting! I’ll definitely have to listen to that–Thanks for telling me about it!

    2. Hey_Cinderella +20

      Oh my gosh, this is perfect. I keep cracking up at Spooky Blood Blood to the point where my dogs are a little worried.

  18. Cat +24

    This movie had better culminate in a scene where Babysitter has to physically wrestle with Creepy Doll, ultimately holding the doll’s arm and slapping its face, repeating “Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!”.

    I will also accept a final fight where Babysitter does a killer Edgar Bergen impression, including the phrase, “Well Charlie, who’s my bitch now?”

  19. Cat +9

    This movie had better culminate in a scene where Babysitter has to physically wrestle with Creepy Doll, ultimately holding the doll’s arm and slapping its face, repeating “Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!”.

  21. Joni +12

    1) does anyone else honestly feel like they have seen the entire movie after watching the trailer. Jez, hold SOMETHING back

    2) can we all collectively pretend that Lauren Cohan is the same person in this movie that she was in Supernatural

  22. Megan +9

    I saw this trailer in theaters and I immediately told all my friends that we had to see this movie. They all vehemently refused, but when my birthday comes along their gift to me will be watching this movie.

  25. longlostlullaby +19

    Why I don’t watch horror movies: WHY WOULDN’T YOU JUST QUIT THAT JOB AND LEAVE THE HOUSE.

  27. themnemosyne +4

    I AM COMING WITH YOU FOR THIS AND ALSO THE FOREST AND THE WITCH. All of whose trailers filled me with unparalleled delight.

  29. Heathered +11

    I was kind of into this when I thought his name was Bronx, but who names their kid Brahms with no last name? I mean he looks like more of a Brahms, but where are the movies about dead/ghost children/dolls of dingus hipsters? That’s a genre that needs to expand.

  30. sarah_fish +1

    I created an account just to comment on this YES I want to see this movie
    yes yes yes
    I saw this trailer when I went to see Crimson Peak
    (also, I totally agree! why wouldn’t you just follow the rules? and tbh, it didn’t look like she had to follow them perfectly. Like just like 75% of the time. brahms is a moderately forgiving doll.)

  34. Halloween Jack

    Raccoon traps? Why would raccoons come after the doll? Actually, that would be kind of hilarious if you got hired as a doll nanny and just went along with the rules for shits and grins and then discovered that this raccoon had an inexplicable grudge against the doll.

    (you enter the room and the raccoon is standing next to the doll)

    "Wait–what, what are you–"

    (raccoon reaches out and touches the doll's face)

    "Don't–you shouldn't–"

    (raccoon turns around and rubs its ass over the doll's face)

    "No! That's nasty! You–"

    (raccoon runs out of the room, you follow just in time to see it scamper out a window. You breathe a sigh of relief)

    "Well, that was fuckin' weird. Maybe it was marking its territory? Who know–"

    (you go back into the other room to see the doll holding a full-sized hunting rifle that you've never even seen before)

    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

    (you run out of the house; standing on the front stoop is the raccoon with a loaded crossbow)

  36. Onymous

    Well if you feed the murder doll then presumably it would smell like food. That clever little raccoon bastard hiding in the attic might dig around in the doll's pockets for treats.

    But now I want to see your movie because it sounds way better.