Sansa is here. You can have one picture now, but there will be a whole Sansa post at 12:30pm. My life has been bullshit all these years, and I never knew until now. She completes me. She makes me feel like a Natural Woman. She makes me want to be a better man. I am commissioning a Christmas-themed montage of our love set to a Carole King song.
Well, we’ll see how that goes:
The Justice Department plans to launch an investigation into the patterns and practices of the Chicago Police Department, a wide-ranging review similar to those that scrutinized the police departments in Ferguson, Mo., and Baltimore, according to several law enforcement officials.
The civil probe, which the officials say could be announced early this week, comes as Chicago continues to grapple with protests after the release of a video showing the police shooting of Laquan McDonald, which prompted murder charges for the officer involved and the resignation of the city’s police chief. The Justice Department is already investigating the McDonald shooting, but this new investigation by the department’s civil rights division would focus on the police department’s practices broadly to determine whether any of them contribute to civil rights violations.
Happy Hanukkah, Lilit! Also, Mara Wilson started #HanukkahTzedakahIdeas, and it’s full of great opportunities to support justice.
Too often, “holiday season” is a catchall for “at least I’m not only saying Christmas” rather than a legitimate attempt to make everyone feel comfortable and welcome. Take my office building, which has two large Christmas trees in the lobby and a small one on every floor, but absolutely zero menorahs or references to Hanukah of any kind lying around – even though there are plenty of Jewish employees. The Christmas trees might not make direct references to Jesus – and, yes, I know that they’re a tradition that has its origins in pre-Christian pagan rituals, thanks – that doesn’t make them secular. I’m not about to mistake any of them for a “Hanukah bush” – not that they’re a real thing, anyway.
An apartment building lobby might have a “Happy Holidays” sign, but when there’s a 20-foot Christmas tree covered in gold and crystal ornaments next to a six-inch electric menorah, it’s impossible not to feel slighted. When you send a supposedly secular “season’s greetings” cards but it’s still red and green, you’re not fooling anyone.
I have been obsessed with Carrie Fisher for YEARS and own all her novels (“Surrender the Pink” is about her marriage to Paul Simon, read it IMMEDIATELY) and now that she’s getting a larger platform to entrance America, I’m feeling a little bit like how my dad felt when the Ken Burns jazz documentary came out. He was all “NO” and I was all “but you love jazz more than anything” and he was all “BUT I DON’T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO, JAZZ BELONGS TO ME.”
Our luscious Jane Marie is blogging here when she’s not Bargain Bin-ing for us.
This is a great, tiny little convo with Lin-Manuel Miranda about race in casting, but mostly my brain just lit up with OH MERCIFUL JOY, of course there’s gonna be a London run, and I’m gonna follow the show like Homer and the Ribwich:
“I’m going to know the answer a little better once we set up these tours and once we set up the London run. I think the London cast is also going to look like our cast looks now, it’s going to be as diverse as our cast is now, but there are going to be even more opportunities for southeast Asian and Asian and communities of color within Europe that should be represented on stage in that level of production.
I can’t vote in the US, but I found the Washington Post‘s lil candidate match quiz to be entertaining and also reveals me to be as basic as one might suspect:
Look, Smeagol is no better than Gollum, Turkey, so it doesn’t matter.
Melissa Gira Grant spoke to Stoya for The Guardian:
Stoya says she couldn’t sleep. After arriving in Serbia on 18 November to begin work on a film, she had been woken by nightmares. Just one paparazzo waited for the internationally recognisable porn performer and writer at the airport, and even he had slunk off when the production assistant sent to meet her had told him, after he asked if this was Stoya, that it was not. Stoya couldn’t sleep in the converted attic room with the stark white wood floors where she stayed after 12-hour days on set, making a narrative, non-porn film that would keep her offline and occupied. “There’s no room for anything else,” she said. She spent her time awake rehearsing her role in the film: a woman who would be raped by someone that she knew.
Wonkette broke down the Daily Beast’s San Bernardino fuckup:
We watched as The Daily Beast took down Raheel’s grinning photo, replaced it with a cop car, put Raheel’s photo back up, replaced it with a cop car again. The Terror Rice stayed, even as their explanations for why they were including the scene at Raheel’s home became baroque. After we started tweeting to them NPR’s story naming Rizwan as the suspect, they started adding all kinds of justifications and he-wasn’t-at-the-partys. And in four hours, they never responded.
An hour later, the San Bernardino police chief said oh hey yo, it’s Rizwan, and The Daily Beast went into contortions before finally — after literally four hours — taking down their tweets with Raheel’s picture.
Did this bananas workout at bootcamp, my partner was a Zumba instructor and fuckin’ brought it:
All about the “quiet chair” salon option, especially for those of us who are incapable of saying “I’m not very chatty today” like adults. You can’t just put headphones on, they’re cutting your hair, it’s a nightmare.
Hanson has a beer company called Mmmhops.
Just the beginning of a deleted comment of the day, because who would keep reading? (It was on Jess Zimmerman’s Emotional Labor piece, which is up there with Yellow Ranger and White Dude Books for all-time staying power in terms of generating deleted comments. Brava, Jess!):
…so obviously I re-read all the White Dude Books deleted comments and it reminded me how great that post was. Not the book list itself, which I knocked off in fifteen minutes while eating reheated bolognese, but the deleted comments one. It was such a great, enjoyable group hug for us!
My Ottolenghi cookbooks are the most visually appealing things I own that are not Sansa, and here are some vegetarian-friendly Christmas recipes that may seem terrifying complex, but are almost certainly the bomb.
Our totes are in production! You will have a nifty lil Shopify storefront to acquire them from, and I am not committing to Christmas arrivals (they get to MY house on the 15th and then the UPS store will begin getting them to you) but they are timeless and non-seasonal and you can buy them forever, and they look SO GOOD and are really high quality, and also we put the Toast name on the Take to the Sea one like you wanted. As a reminder of what your three options are (we’re splitting the profits fifty-fifty with our two talented Toastie illustrators):
Big Hair, No Heart:
Misandrist Mermaid:
Take To The Sea:
Where is bighairnoheart? If she does not get a Big Hair No Heart tote it will be a crime against beauty and perfection.
I did a “Big Hair, No Heart” illustration for commenter “bighairnoheart”…maybe she wouldn’t mind passing it on!
Nicole I don’t mean to alarm you but it looks like a small bear has wandered into your house?? Be careful.
As a man, I’d like to disagree.
And so you have, friend. And so you have.
I enjoyed the candidate match quiz. It turns out I basically AM Bernie Sanders, but I’m okay with that.
Aiiieeee, 35% Donald Trump, unclean, unclean!
(OK, but 90% Bernie Sanders.)
I got 88% Bernie, 36% Trump.
I’m choosing to believe the 36% all has to do with support for Planned Parenthood.
I got 85% Bernie (as expected), but 46% Trump somehow? I put immigration as one of my top priorities, so this is a mystery.
trump and I agreed that the wealthy should be taxed more heavily (I had no idea he felt this way); TED CRUZ and I are in accord about personal/Internet privacy and stronger punishments for criminals, though obviously nothing else.
I feel the Bern by 71% to Hilary’s 70%. And I couldn’t be less like Rubio if I tried, which quite frankly I’m okay with.
I was at 13, 14% for Rubio and Santorum, which I’m attributing to carbon atoms and Gut Flora.
You and me both. Martin O’Malley was the next closest for me… I don’t even know who he is (snort).
Looking forward to the primary election, but I’m not terribly optimistic: whomever Wall Street knights will get the nomination. That probably won’t be Sanders.
Yeah, I may vote for Bernie just so that he can claim a respectable chunk in the primaries and we can have it on record that the Left exists. But I have no illusions that I’ll be voting for him in the general, and even if he somehow made it to the ballot, I’m not sure I’d actually want him to be president.
My O’Mally ranking was higher than Bernie/Hillary (tied at 79%) so I suppose I should at least figure out who he is?
I hate agreeing with white men and it goes against everything I believe in but apparently Bernie and I are 88% compatible.
If it makes you feel better, he’s a socialist Jew, which is as far away from “old white guy” you can get while still being old and white.
I think this quiz is rigged so that all Democrats get Bernie Sanders. Nice try internet, I’m not voting for Bernie Sanders.
It was interesting looking at the breakdown (I was only 75% Hillary); mostly it was that she doesn’t STRONGLY agree or disagree with much of anything, where Bernie does commit to positions a lot more emphatically. So I think a lot of the algorithm aligns you by strength of commitment, which is why we are seeing a lot of surprise white men here. Also, she was neutral on the questions of restricting immigration, expanding the military, and gun ownership, which I was not.
I’m basically young Bernie…buuuttttt I’m still caucusing for Hillary, because these fuckin’ #feelthebern bros have driven me insane (and also, since the Rs are going to win Congress, the difference between Hillary and Bernie presidencies will be approximately 1 micrometer in real terms and given that, I’d rather see a woman in the office).
Caucusing? Are you an Iowa toast? (I finally had to give up my IA voter registration last year and I’m feeling a little left out this election)
I’m going to hang on for this one last election. I made it through eight years of life in Nebraska and Illinois without caving, but I’m afraid that all of my IDs are about to expire and I can no longer claim a home in my home state.
Same. I’m mostly disappointed that I won’t have the chance to punch Terry Branstad in the face (figuratively speaking) next November.
I met him in person at a charity dinner once, and I sorta regret now that I didn’t take (probably my only shot) to do that literally.
I got 94% Bernie, but 33% Trump which almost made me gag.
I took one of those once (possibly the same one) and got 98% Bernie. That’s insane.
Okay so last night my girlfriend texted me “How…How do I become a Toastie?” and Im frakking excited, guys. I feel like the tote bag designs basically sum it up. Be Loud, Be Big, Be Smart, Be Awesome.
HAMILTON IS COMING TO THE UK YESSSSSSSSSSSS
I have spent the last few days listening to Non-Stop on a constant loop. I fear this news is going to push me even closer to obsession.
Yes! This means I might actually be able to see it without blowing all my savings. I mean, it’s not the same as seeing the Original Cast in New York, but still…
I came to the game late, but have had Satisfaction and Wait for It alternating in my head for days. EVEN WHEN IT’S NOT PLAYING IT KEEPS PLAYING IN MY MIND. Is how it is for everyone?
Yes.
Yep. Sorry*
*not sorry
Yes. And I’ve only listened to three songs so far.
when i wake up in the middle of the night, normally my brain is singing the really pretty harmony parts on “take a break.”
when i wake up in the morning, it’s chris jackson <3 singing “one more time.”
in between, my brain is on the same loop as yours — “satisfied” and “wait for it.”
I am so curious to see how it plays there /what adjustments get made. I mean, it’s obviously a strong work of art on it’s own, but I’m thinking some of the New Jersey jokes might not play quite the same, you know?
There are English-speaking parts of the world where New Jersey isn’t a punchline?
Signed, a New Jersey native who left as soon as she could.
I haven’t listened to any of it because I’ve been waiting for this news. As soon as I hear about dates I’m going to start begging my husband for tickets. I don’t care, I’ll go by myself if I have to.
I love that a musical that’s, in part, about the American Revolution, and that paints King George III as a creepy stalker, is gonna play in the UK. That’s fantastic.
I would 100% get my hair cut more often if there were a quiet chair option. I took my mom to the hairdresser with me until I was, like, 22, because they would talk about mom stuff while I sat quietly. I finally found a hairdresser in my own city, and it went ok because there was another hairdresser getting her hair cut in the chair next to mine, so the three hairdressers talked about hairdresser stuff while I sat quietly, but then they tried to book my next appointment in a month and I had to awkwardly explain that no, I don’t shell out $60 for a haircut every month, more like once or twice a year.
I’ve been begging my boyfriend to take on hair cutting duties, but he just looks at me aghast and says he’d pay $60 not to have that responsibility. I already cut my own bangs but I can’t evenly cut the rest.
You can cut your own bangs? Evenly? And make them look good? Very impressive. I can’t even imagine doing that myself.
And I’m with you. $60 every month for a haircut? No. There are much better ways to spend that money. (Maybe Toast tote bags. Hmm.)
Boyfriend should consider trimming your neck for you when you have a short cut. Mr. Rose and I do that for each other. One of us will notice the other is looking a little scruffy and just offer.
When I’m paying for my haircut and they’re trying to schedule my next visit, I always say, “Oh, I have no idea. I’ll call for an appointment when I get annoyed with my hair.” Then they ask about how long that will be. That’s when I laugh and say, “I wish I could predict my own annoyance. That would be useful. Oh well, I’ll be in touch. Thanks-bye!”
I wouldn’t claim I can cut my bangs “evenly,” but they look pretty good. They’re “intentionally choppy.” I can’t find the tutorial I used originally, but the gist was this: work with dry hair, cut your bangs back to about 1/2 in lower than you want them to end up, then rotate your scissors to nearly vertical (maybe 15 degrees) and snip across. It leaves a feathery bottom that hides length imperfections.
That’s what I do too! Intentionally choppy for the win.
The last time I got my hair cut, the receptionist said to the woman just paying, “Kathie would like to see you in six weeks.” As if it were some sort of doctor’s appointment.
My stylist doesn’t chat.
It is a glorious thing. We talk just a little at the beginning, and then she cuts my hair in blessed silence.
Same! I’m often my hair wizard’s last appointment of the day and we both have jobs that involve a lot of interaction/talking with strangers, so I assume we’re both just burnt out at the end of it. It’s kind of funny because I’ve been going to her for years and I actually have enjoyed the longer conversations we’ve had, but we just have a nice pattern of… not.
Occasionally I’ll hear the salon chat all around and think “oh god I’m doing it wrong she must think I’m her weird terrible silent client” but she’s not one to ask a lot of small talk questions either, and if she wanted to banter while she worked I assume she would. It works for us!
(On the other hand, she mentioned once that I was one of the only client still paying her introductory rate — they lock you in when you start and I started going to her right after she started at the salon and have been loyal ever since — and I realized with horror that meant I’d undertipped her for years, probably.)
My husband cuts my hair for me, with solid results. He was reluctant at first, but I promised I would get any disasters professionally fixed, and told him how much money I would save and he embraced it. I have shoulder length hair (now a bit choppy on the ends) and I don’t think I’ll go back to salons. Can you warm him up with a beer or two?
I’ve been cutting my own hair for almost four years now and it was the BEST DECISION. I have long and wavy hair so I don’t care about getting it perfectly even across, also I am HORRIDLY prone to split ends so most of my hair-cutting sessions are actually about finding and snipping off those little dead bits while half-watching a rerun of Love it or List It.
I also cut my own bangs once every six weeks or so, and I like when they look a little choppy. I’ve been meaning to go to the cheapo haircuts place for months now, and keep putting it off even though my ends are a ratty mess. It’s frustrating that I can’t just make the few necessary snips across the ends myself and be done with it, but I’m pretty sure I’d make a hash of it.
What I’d really like, though, is the quiet table at the waxing salon. Nothing like chatting casually to someone applying hot wax to your privates.
I grew my hair to bra strap length. I get it cut like once every year or two. When they ask if I want to schedule I just tell them I’ll call them. So I’ve been going the same place for a long time but I almost never see them. They’re pretty good about either carrying the conversation or just being quiet; they know me ok.
I am a little afraid one of these days I’m going to call up and ask for my usual girl and she’ll have left like a year ago and I’ll be embarrassed.
I think avoiding the imagined pressure of cutting your girlfriend’s hair and the consequences of screwing it up might be worth $60.
SANSA. She’s just so perfect and it’s entirely possible I have set a calendar reminder in my Outlook for 12:30pm today.
This is basically the most perfect roundup? Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my soul.
I nominate
“As a man, I’d like to disagree”
with a drawing of a woman laughing as she sets him (tied to a stake) on fire for the next Toast mug tote or tshirt
I can’t decide exactly what I want to do with that sentence. I’m debating a tshirt with just the sentence, devoid of any context whatsoever. Printed around/across the sole of a shoe? Made into a menstrual pad?
I like the simplicity and in-your-face-ness of just that sentence on a t-shirt. The only flaw is that you can’t wear the exact same t-shirt every day or people start to talk. But adding art and sticking it on a tote bag is the next best option I think 🙂
Mentally captioning every New Yorker cartoon with, “As a man, I’d like to disagree” was an entertaining experiment,
Trimming it down to “I’d like to disagree” and slapping it on a t-shirt in a trendy font seems like the best possible way to make money off of people you want to have nothing else to do with.
Could we also do a shirt that just says, “Actually…” in block text? I feel like that would be a big seller as well.
T-Shirt Hell has made money for years with TNR; don’t spring for a fancy font.
I feel sorry for the little fellow. I imagine he has to being most of his sentences with “As a man” to keep convincing himself and others. So many Walter Mittys on the internet.
Shut up and take my money.
I imagine him peeking out of a drain or manhole to correct two women walking by, possibly drawn by Kate Beaton.
Things I need now: a Hamilton with more Asian leads (to be seen in rep with the current Bway Ham, obvs), a Misandrist Mermaid tote, and a glass of Mmmhops. 11-year-old me, who was going to marry Zac Hanson when she turned 19 and live on his tour bus, is like, so grossed out at the thought of beer, but 28-year-old me is *thrilled*.
What I’m saying is, this Link Roundup is batting a thousand today. Which admittedly is not so different from other days.
11 year old me thought Zac Hanson was my soulmate because we have the exact same birthday (date/month/year). Which when you’re 11 CLEARLY does mean you’re soulmates. Occasionally the 11 year old in my mind remembers he’s now married with children and is just so offended.
Hahahaha clearly Zac is missing out! 11-year-old me is also offended by Zac’s current marital/family status, not in small part because he married a girl named Kate (my name is Katie.)
She was a fan, too, before they got together. Let your 11 year old self stew over THAT, lmao.
My inner child is now crying into a glass of Mmmhops, haha.
So, for some reason the ‘i’ in ‘Asian’ actually looks like an ‘l’ to me so at first I read that as “Aslan leads” and was fascinated by the idea of a bunch of Jesus lions playing various founding fathers.
HAHA CS Lewis would be very, very confused. As would the rest of us, I imagine.
I’ve known about MMMHops for years now, but a ton of people have been posting about it recently for some reason. Is it just my extreme Hanson obsession shining through?
I think I had heard about it before, but thought it was a fever dream of some sort? Or an Onion article? I’m glad I was wrong, haha.
Jane Marie, I will follow you wherever you go. I’m still overjoyed that there’s a place for her here at beloved Toast.
Related: Jane Marie’s Bargain Bin post reminded me about Jane Child (YES to early 1990s Canadian pop nostalgia!!!), which led me to Child’s website, which led to this, the song World Lullaby, & possibly a candidate for Worst Christmas Song. Take caution clicking the link; it is not for the faint of heart; but it will give a very strong flavour of how best intentions about “world peace, etc” in the immediate aftermath of the Cold War gave rise to some awful pop music, for those who weren’t there to enjoy these delights first-hand: http://www.janechild.com/music/World_Lullabye.mp3
In the on-going real estate hunt, MUST ALLOW DOGS has rapidly become one of my “must haves”. Occasionally the life partner will ask if that is really necessary, considering we do not currently HAVE a dog, and then I see the much anticipated Sansa and the happiness thereafter and I know Im right.
My favourite hair cutting experience was when I went to this walk-in salon in a mall and had my hair cut by this man with some sort of accent (a Spanish-type-language accent). He only talked to me to ask me what I wanted and to give three lovely compliments on my hair. I don’t actually remember what these compliments were, but I remember they sounded sincere and really gave me a good confidence boost. Other than that, the whole thing proceeded in blissful silence.
I no longer live in the city in which I got that hair cut, so I cannot go back there unfortunately. The last time I needed a trim, I just did it myself. Was it a little wonky and uneven? Yes. But after a month or two and a couple touch-ups my hair looks quite good!
Sansaaaaaaaaaaaa
Wow, between that whole mess with camera crews invading the San Bernardino shooters’ house and the Daily Beast Fiasco, this whole incident has not exactly increased my faith in journalism (or, as Saladin Ahmed tweeted brilliantly: “oh god it actually is about ethics in journalism”)
I genuinely cut my own hair (well, trim it) because the idea of going to the hair place and having them talk at me for 20 whatever minutes makes me so anxious. I mean just in general because I have social anxiety but also because I’m a hermit who rarely socializes so I have nothing to talk about with people irl, haha.
As a man, I’d like to disagree
I just saw a picture of a vegan Hannukkah celebration that included kugel that horrified me and reminded me of that spaghetti squash kugel recipe someone posted on Twitter. KUGEL IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU REGRET EATING ANYTHING ELSE THAT DAY BECAUSE IT IS SO CALORIC. THAT IS THE POINT OF ITS EXISTENCE.
That image basically encapsulates why I immediately found myself overwhelmingly attracted to Furiosa; up to that point there had been an awful lot of stuff with men yelling indistinctly and being uncontrolled and loud and unpredictable, and then she appeared being pefectly controlled and silent and in command. Be still my heart.
There are some things vegans are deciding not to have by being vegans, and kugel is one of them.
Just call it a spaghetti squash casserole! It is probably pretty good, as a spaghetti squash casserole!
The kugel horrify you because it was vegan? Or for another reason? Because lemme tell you, it’s possible to make truly unhealthy vegan food that is delicious and very, very high in calories.
Is this the part of the election cycle where we talk about how the Dem candidates have much more in common, policy-wise, than differences? I mean, Barry and Hillz were even more identical in ’08, but really, the hyper-comprehensive site that goes around from time to time has almost everyone I know at “98% Bernie, 95% Hillz, 80-90% every other Dem” and my friends keep going, “see, I should be voting for Bernie” and I just keep going “…or any of the other candidates, really, your policy positions are super-close to all of them and they’re all super-close to each other”
Interestingly, I was like 91% Bernie but only 78% Hilary and idk why. I think it’s mostly me being “totally agree” while she’s “sort of agree” or me placing different preferences on things? Usually they’re much closer for me.
93, 92 and 87 for the Dems on this one (let’s leave Jim Webb out of this). I appreciate the radar graphic, since it kinda drives this home – that MO’M, Hillz and Bernie are all on the same side of basically every issue, just to slightly different degrees of extremity.
MO’M oh my god I am never going to forget that he exists now, thanks so much for that.
Huh, I had an 11-point difference between Bernie and Hillary – which still isn’t that much, granted.
Yeah, the more I poke the site, the more I’m suspecting they stuck a couple of these questions in there to emphasize what space there is between the two of them. Which isn’t a bad thing! But as best as I can tell, the differences between me and Secretary Clinton are that there is an Official Wench Position on pot, but she is neutral, and also I strongly believe in easier immigration processes.
But given the current state of the US House (which we are stuck with until after the 2020 redistricting at the earliest), I doubt either of those will be particularly pivotal policymaking points for 45.
Yeah, according to that test I’m closer to Bernie than Hillary, but the differences are of degree rather than absolute disagreement, and given their relative experience, I think Hillary will be more effective at being in the executive branch than Bernie. One is not the devil, and either is preferable to any Republican. (I like how almost all the candidates are roughly on a y=-x axis, except Trump, who is more fiscally liberal but weirdly more socially conservative according to the map, which is why Toasties are having a weird skew with him.)
That makes me feel so much better — I too had a weird skew with Trump and was so ashamed that I closed the window immediatley
It’s not you, it’s the flattening of his positions into something resembling a good-faith effort of figuring out what his policy would be, except that his policies are actually “ME ME ME WHATEVER GETS PEOPLE TO THINK I HAVE A BIG PENIS” and any attempt at seeing him as a real political figure are doomed to failure by him.
(I grew up outside Atlantic City, so I’ve had to hear about him my entire life, I hate Trump more than it is actually possible to express.)
It’s weird to see how Trump actually looks kind of like a middle-of-the-road conservative when you remove his actual words and behaviors from consideration. I was surprised by that. His radar map has a little leg that sticks out toward Gov’t Assistance & Entitlements, which no other conservative had that I saw.
Which is why I’m one of the many, many people I know who are voting for Bern in the primaries knowing full well it’s likely we’ll happily be marking Hilary in November.
Re: the “quiet chair”, I’ve found the most effective (and genuine, in my case) method for no chit chat is “uh, I need to take out my hearing aids before you wash and cut my hair, just so you are aware”. Hairdresser usually falls over themselves to say not a problem and leaves me in blissful peace the whole experience.
They don’t need to know I generally cope hearing in conversation without my aids 🙂
WHOA, as a fellow hearing-aid owner who can nonetheless cope in conversations without them, this is a game-changer; I usually take them out before I even go into the salon and don’t mention them. Thank you!
Nicole, you may not think that much of the white dude book list, but it in and of itself still brings me quite a lot of joy. Both reading the list and then the comments where we all gave suggestions for other books. Such fun.
Truly, I felt wrapped in the warm, loving, misandrist arms of the Toast that day.
the funny thing is that Mallory has posted things actually tagged “Misandry” or suggesting that men will be hunted for sport in the future (or something along those lines), but the one provoked the hive was a gentle ribbing at most.
I have a hypothesis that for some, the feeling of “I think I’m being mocked, but I can’t see how” is more upsetting than being clearly parodied.
My life goal for years had been to attend the joint birthday party held by Carrie Fisher and Penny Marshall. I don’t know if they host it anymore, alas.
This is where I plug teaching salons for the nth time: I’ve found that students tend to chit chat very little, maybe because they’re concentrating harder or maybe because they don’t get tips (at the ones I’ve been to, ymmv) so they don’t feel like they need to. Either way, it’s great and I highly suggest it if you want a pretty basic cut.
Yes, this is what I do too! Highly recommend.
Me, too. It is way cheaper and usually they are too nervous for chitchat. It takes a lot longer, though. I do tip them, which they are usually surprised and delighted by. I figure, after all that nervousness, they should be able to afford a beer.
Yeah, I’ve always tipped. When my haircut is all of $10, I can easily afford another $5.
The place I go explicitly says no tips and I’m a rule follower so I don’t. Should I be tipping behind their backs???
Dunno, I’ve never noticed a sign at the place I go to.
I’m guessing this is school-specific. The school I go to asks when you are paying up at the end if you want to add anything to your card for a cash tip. I always give a $10 tip (the max), because I have very long, thick, fine-textured hair that is difficult to work with. If they specifically told me not to though, I wouldn’t.
True! I think part of it also stems from the fact that I’m not going to see that student again, unlike a regular stylist. We both know this is a one-off experience. And since it takes longer than a professional cut would, it makes sense that neither of us wants to keep up the conversation for that long, and so I feel a lot less rude about taking out my phone.
I do tip at mine, though, and I can’t recommend it to anyone with an even somewhat complicated cut. My hair falls just below my collarbones with long layers, and twice a year I go in and get about an inch taken off, so there’s not a whole lot of damage they can do if it goes wrong.
I love trainees because they do exactly what you tell them and haven’t developed the confidence to believe they know better. No, senior stylist, I do not want layers. I really, truly promise that I don’t.
Re: The Feds investigating Chicago Police corruption – the phrase ‘Augean Stables’ comes instantly to mind.
Well, Chicagoans already have experience redirecting the course of rivers, so this might work out.
Seconding everything in the Lilit article. I have nothing against the Christmas season, but it’s beyond annoying to hear people whine about the so-called War on Christmas every year because people like me would like them to have the decency to acknowledge that it’s not the only holiday in December. And even when they do, it’s so minimal that it’s condescending.
As a parent, it’s actually a rewarding time of #teachablemoments, instilling pride in my Jewish kids and teaching them that different doesn’t mean less-than. Also the fact that Christmas decor is being eclipsed by Star Wars gear everywhere this year helps, tbh.
I’m divided between wanting Jewish stuff in general on the shelves because representation, and being really horrified in its execution, seeing as Chanukah is a holiday about fighting assimilation. I don’t want knockoffs of Christmas stuff, I know Chanukah is a minor holiday and that its importance to American Jews is partially its placement in the calendar, but I want…not Maccabees that are secretly Santas, not Mensch on the Bensches (what a horror), and not a Manischevitz-branded vanilla-cookie house, even though the icing mezuzah is a nice touch.
I go out of my way not to buy anything Christmas-branded but I did impulse-buy a onesie for Baby’s First Chanukah.
If I know someone’s a practicing Jew, I’ll wish them a Happy Hanukkah (and a Happy New Year on Rosh Hashana to boot). I have some Ashkenazi roots and it’s pretty much an accident of fate that I was raised Catholic and not Jewish.
I really try to avoid “Happy Holidays” if I can. It’s the equivalent of beige paint to me.
I like “Happy Holidays” because I want everyone to have happy holidays whatever those holidays are, especially people with birthdays in December, they lose out sometimes. Although it’s kind of a tough one for people who don’t celebrate any holidays this time of year, but I feel that “Season’s Greetings” is a Mad Libs category not a thing to say. (Spring Hello! Fall Howdy!)
But I can sure see how Happy Holidays could feel like it’s trying not to say anything. Sometimes when I’m really flustered I’ll say “Happy Holidays God Bless!” which I don’t understand- I’m not a say-god-bless-to-non-sneezing-strangers kind of girl but in the pressure of the time I’ll say just about anything.
This gentle atheist (I am not gentle in any other aspect) only returns greetings this time of year. If I am told “Happy/Merry [whatever]” I say, “Thanks. You too.” If i initiate anything, it’s “Hello/Goodbye” or “Have a good day.” Nothing seasonal. My life is too hard for any extra work. Or I’m lazy. Take your pick.
Yup, this atheist handles it in much the same way, with the exception of “have a great holiday weekend” when co-workers are all scattering for the extended holiday weekend.
That seems a very sensible plan, not a lazy one. Which, obviously why I can’t do it, sensible and I don’t work.
I use “Happy Newton’s Birthday, Old Style.” Because I’m a nerd on so many different levels.
I am fully in support of replacing Christmas with Star Wars Day.
Yes, please! Or John Williams Day. That’s really what Star Wars is about, for me.
YESSSSSS. The whole new star wars movie didn’t sink in for me until I heard the french horn solo on the trailer and i got chills like whoa.
I had to hunt high and low to find appropriate goodies to shower on my Jewish neighbors this holiday and it was eye-opening. I feel sooooo lucky that she and her daughter are willing to invite us into their lives and share their traditions with my daughter so that she sees things beyond Christmas with her grandparents and Yule with me. I find basically all the Abrahamic religions to be seriously problematic, especially for women, but extracting from those traditions what celebrates humanity and functions as an in-road to contemplation of life is always worthwhile. And having the opportunity to do so across the board would be nice. War on Christmas needs to sit down and shut up.
As an aside, I would accept with open arms a Star Wars winter holiday, because why not celebrate more instead of less? Celebrate all the things!!!
Wookiee Life Day is already there for us to co-opt!
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Life_Day
As another parent with a Jewish kid who is definitely in the religious minority at her urban public school, may I ask a question (that you obviously don’t have to answer, if you don’t want to): I’ve run into the situation more than a few times where someone says “Merry Xmas” to me and/or my kid, and she responds “We don’t have Christmas, we’re Jewish.” Which I like because I like that she has a Jewish identity, but also sometimes is more personal information than, like, the cashier at the grocery store, for example, may need to know about us. I’ve said to her that sometimes you can just say “Thanks. You too.” without the whole explanation, but I also understand that it’s a desirable thing to have her be comfortable asserting her Judaism. Have you faced that situation, and, if so, how have you dealt with it? (and anyone else, PLEASE feel free to chime in. They don’t address a lot of these questions in the manual . . .)
It’s a hard call – saying thank you is no doubt easier, but saying a polite, “Thanks! We’re Jewish, and we celebrate Hanukkah!” or something, coming from a cute kid, would help her own her Judaism in the midst of Christmas ubiquity, and also remind the adult saying Merry Christmas that not everyone celebrates Christmas, not even every cute kid.
Thanks – that’s a great idea. I will plan to talk to her about the idea of switching the conversation to a positive, rather than a negative next time it comes up.
I’m no help. I love other people’s children, but I choose to remain child-free. Just popping in to say: You are a very good parent and your kid is both lucky and delightful.
Frankly, that is a great help.
I ALWAYS did this as a child. I would loudly explain, in great detail, to anyone who wished me a merry Christmas that I didn’t celebrate Christmas because I was Jewish; that instead I went to Christmas at my Nanny’s though not for the holiday just to spend time with family; that with my mom and dad I celebrated Chanukah but it’s not even a very important holiday anyway.
The lesson is that I was pedantic and irritating even as a child. I don’t remember ever feeling offended when I launched onto this speech, I just liked to talk about myself then as now.
I think your way of handling it is fine- if she’s young enough to not get your explanation, she’s young enough that most reasonable adults she encounters will understand that children tend to share all kinds of personal information an adult wouldn’t consider appropriate.
As a woman, I’d like to not hear your male opinion.
Wait, can this be the space where I ask for latke making tips? Because every time I do it they come out like hash browns and not latkes. I suspect that I am going to have to bust out my box grater instead of using my cuisinart, but honestly any tips to make them the perfect fluffy pieces of potato happiness from my youth would be greatly appreciated.
Perfect latkes can be made with a cuisinart, do not despair. I would suggest more eggs and matzo meal to hold the patties together.
Maybe it’s the matzo meal – I typically use flour, as per my mother in law, but I could see how matzo meal would do it better. My inability to pull this off like I want to makes me crazier than I would like to admit…
Seconded. I grate both the potatoes and the onions in the food processor. There are as many ways to make latkes as there are stars in the sky, but here are some things that strike me as important –
1. Make sure to squeeze the liquid out of the potatoes and onions. You can wrap them in a not-fuzzy dish towel and squeeze or put them in a colander and… erm, squish.
2. Sometimes the recipe lies. You might need more matzo meal. Or another egg. Or both!
Cuisinart is totally okay! My dad does his like that and they are perfection itself. they are held together with egg, heavy cream, and flour and do very well.
This is his actual recipe (from his blog, which I shamelessly shill whenever possible). http://www.autostraddle.com/the-best-break-up-adv…
I…do not think that is your dad’s blog. But I liked reading it anyway 🙂
Wow no it super is not, this is the actual link http://tabledad.com/2010/12/01/potato-pancakes/
The use of heavy cream is extremely next level and I like it. Thank you for sharing that. I have a few days before I have to make them and I’m hoping to get enough info together to make them tasty like the latkes of my youth!
See, I think the heavy cream makes it hash browns, officially. Latkes should be pareve (no dairy) so you can eat them with a meat meal if you want.
Seconding all the advice about squeezing and using enough egg and matzo meal. You also need to use starchy potatoes. And preferably peanut or olive oil.
I made these and they turned out amazing! Thanks!
Have you looked at the recipe on smittenkitchen.com? I haven’t actually made it, but everything I’ve made from her site is amazing, so I assume it is also amazing.
Is this where I can safely admit I dislike latkes? I am pretty down on Ashkenazi sweets in general. (I do love sweet gefilte fish though, so I’m not a total traitor to my ethnicity.) I think that the issue is that the onion in latkes never cooks fully, so I have this gross raw onion taste in the middle of it. Is there a way out without burning the latke?
I imagine it would be possible to brown the onions separately before mixing them in, but as a lover of all onion forms, cooked and raw, I haven’t felt compelled to try. The texture might be a bit more chewy? But I could see that being ok.
I can’t eat raw (or even raw-ish) onions, and so saute the living life out of them before incorporating them into the grated taters/flour/eggs/flour. I have accidentally carmelized them and I feel like those were the Best of All Possible Latkes, but not everybody enjoys the umami overload of caramelized onions.
Bonus: pre-cooked onions are mostly dry, so the latkes are mo’ crispy.
What about microwaving them for a couple minutes to give them a head start on the potatoes? Cooks Illustrated does that to make crispy onions for mujadara.
My experience is that “perfect latkes” is one of those things where different people like different things, so a recipe that makes one person’s perfect latke might be doing it ALL WRONG for what you want—- so my suggestion is to figure out what it is that you want your end latke to be, and then try to find recipes where people START off saying that’s their latke goal.
I made perfect latkes last night, and it has never happened before, and may never happen again, so I don’t know what to tell you.
Squeeze the potatoes, use matzo meal, beat the eggs before you put them in w/ the potatoes. I used coconut oil because – well, because I had it, and thought it might be effective. And Russet potatoes, which are the starchiest.
Damn things were puffy and golden and held up perfectly under gobs and gobs of sour cream & applesauce. And it was a tiny batch, only 6 of them, which also could have helped. But it made me sad, because two latkes later, I was latke-less.
Guys. I am sorry to hijack the link roundup. But my person broke up with me yesterday. And I feel like. The ground beneath me is falling out. I’m at that stage in my late-twenties when all my friends are partnering with the person they’re going to be with forever. And I thought that I was there too. And now, not only am I not, but there’s just no part of me that believes I’ll ever find anything as magical and special and beautiful as what we had. And then there’s another part of me that doesn’t even want to, because then it means everything that I thought about our relationship– that we were MEANT TO BE, that he was the great love of my life– was just, wrong.
Can anyone share their survival stories? Especially if perhaps you broke up with the person you thought was like, MADE FOR YOU, and then somehow found love and happiness afterwards anyway.
I had my heart CRUUSHED and cried for years and moped and now I am so happy and in such a healthy, supportive, loving relationship and I literally never think about my ex. Like, I do not feel sick when I meet someone with his name or anything! IT GETS BETTER.
Now, please email me your mailing address so I can send you a present.
Aw, Nicole. You are so wonderful. I’ve always thought of you and your husband as like, relationship goals. Thank you so much for writing this.
I don’t feel the pain when I think about it, but I REMEMBER feeling the pain, and I would honestly rather have to cut my arm off with a store-brand Leatherman than go through that again. I am so so sorry, and this is a legitimately hard thing you are going through, and take your time and be patient with yourself.
Also, this is NOT good advice, but I actually do think that having sex with a rando you don’t give a shit about does help, at least in my experience, although I am not ADVISING you do so, but if you did, it might help.
(Sorry, Jesus.)
I agree on the sex part, though it needs to be somewhat well-timed. Like right after, when you are still reeling, would not work (imo). But when you get to that point where you are no longer reeling, are sort of numb-but-still-definitely-hurting, but are mostly annoyed because said ex-partner keeps popping up in your thoughts in a most unwelcome manner– that’s when sleeping with some rando can break that weird perseverating thoughts cycle.
I didn’t watch Sex and the City ever, but a friend said this concept comes up in the show and is referred to as “sexual sorbet”, which I think is rather apt.
It gives you someone new to fantasize about sexually at least. I haven’t had sex since my last breakup, so it’s easy for my brain to automatically head in that direction and then have to be sternly corrected before I continue.
Ugh, I keep having these sex dreams that start out really good and then my ex shows up in them. Stop it, brain.
Yes, you have to boot them out as the default for when you think about having sex. So wanting sex will not equal wanting them. Sex with someone else helps, though I’m sure there are other methods.
Sympathies bro. Its hard getting used to the fact that someone who’s been a big part of you’re life just isn’t going to be there any more.
As far as survival tactics go; I find getting very drunk and getting under someone else as soon as physically possibly usually does the trick, but then again, I’m not the healthiest when it comes to relationships!
Amen to that second paragraph. It might not solve it all, but it helps…
Although crying after said getting under is an inherent risk with this strategy (in particular if step one was done correctly), warning whom ever you’re choosing to get under might be a good idea (at least if you want to maintain any relationship with them, if you intent on never seeing them again just go ahead and cry.)
This has also been my stratey. Also 8 years later I am still with the person I started casually banging during my last breakup and it’s the healthiest happiest relationship I’ve ever been in, so I’m thankful for my strategy.
Ugh, I am sorry your person broke up with you. It’s so cliche, but I think one of the biggest factors is time. Of course you feel like you won’t find anything as special again *right now.* It takes time to move on; to believe that you can find love again. Even though I’m poly, I did think that I’d found my life partner at one point and then we broke up and I was devastated. It took over a year for me to be able to imagine emotionally committing to someone else; to stop randomly crying sometimes because I was lonely and sad. But it got better during that time until I went from crying everyday to a couple of times a week to not at all (at least not about my break-up).
Three years later, I’m still single (although I have a love. It’s weird and complicated.). But I have had some meaningful, if brief, connections. And there’s something that can be enjoyable about being single in my late twenties (27). There’s a lot of freedom, which I am enjoying and am in no hurry to give up. Maybe you’ll find that some of that will be true for you, too?
Thanks for sharing that– I am glad to hear that you are enjoying what life is giving you right now!
This happened to me earlier this year and I’m here to tell you that no matter how lost in the void horrible garbage totally eviscerated you feel right now IT GETS BETTER. Keep in mind that there’s gonna be a time when you’ll feel completely okay again and it’s not even that far off.
This is a cold, cold comfort but while my late 20’s were marked by all of my friends (and me) coupling up with their “forever partners” my early 30’s were marked by broken engagements and divorces. A year or so out and we’re all happier for it. This is probably impossible to believe right now but there are no deadlines and you don’t only get one great love.
As for survival tactics, get a good friend to spread the news far and wide. Practice a response in the mirror for when someone doesn’t know you’ve broken up and you can’t fall apart then and there. Disrupt the patterns the two of you had- if you always texted them before you went to sleep text another friend instead or put a new bedtime ritual into place. If you always went to the farmer’s market on Saturday morning start going to a fancy coffee shop instead, etc.
This first paragrah is a much nicer sort of version than what I was going to say, which was more like:
all my friends are partnering with the person they’re going to be with forever
Don’t worry, most of your friends are partnering with the person with whom they will spend a lot of money on a wedding, and then a lot more money on a divorce.
Seems like the experience I shared below is the norm. I wonder if it comes from people having that sense of “I’m supposed to get married in my 20’s cause so many other people are.” Which isn’t to say that people getting married at that age aren’t usually 100% devoted to and crazy about the one they’re with, but maybe they’d hold off longer without that societal pressure pushing down on them.
Early 30s even – I think a lot of people get over 30 and realize that if they want to have kids (especially the people with ovaries) they better start arranging their life and that mostly means 2 things: finding a stable job with benefits and getting a stable and committed relationship, which to most means getting married.
And the thing is, it’s not wrong to start thinking about long-term planning if you want kids, age does, unfortunately, affect fertility overall. But getting hitched and procreating aren’t ways to guarantee a relationship will last. There is no guarantee!
Ahhh. That makes sense. As a non-kid-wanting person, I forget how that changes things for people who do definitely want to be parents.
Solid second paragraph advice in so many ways.
Agh, yeah. It helps to hear that, that I don’t get only one great love (though I guess I had a Great Love in my earlier twenties who I also thought was gonna be forever. Maybe I can have more than two?)
Oh Avo. There is no quota for great love.
Giant hugs! I read this a lot http://www.autostraddle.com/the-best-break-up-adv…
That was wonderful. Thank you for sharing.
When my heart was well and truly broken, my best friend told me the most useful thing I heard in the whole thing: “You are exactly the same person, with the same worth and the same brilliance, that you were before. Even though you might not feel it, you are not less because of this; every good thing about you is still there. This was not the bedrock of your world. It just feels like it right now.”
Maybe this was me-specific advice, but I know it helped like crazy. Much much affection, and know that the other side of this will come.
Thank you for the words and the affection 🙂
Oh man, I am so so sorry. I have been there and it is just the worst. Echoing all the comments that say you will feel better, you just will. My survival tips are:
– no contact with ex (this Hairpin advice thing is THE BEST http://thehairpin.com/2011/05/heartbreak-friendsh…
– getting out of the house, even if you are crying all the time and just thinking about the ex, it is still 100% better than wallowing on social media
– give yourself permission to feel sad for as long as it takes. You will feel better eventually but you need to let yourself have all the feelings.
– Parks and Rec
also hugs, I am sorry 🙁
Thank you for the hugs and the tips. I appreciate it a lot.
This time of year is really good for going out while crying- everyone just thinks you are cold/have a cold.
I am an expert in public crying! NYC helps with having no shame about it.
I feel this upside to NYC living is vastly underrated.
London is good for this! I walked around crying and (as I later discovered) with pen all over my face, and nobody said a word. Thanks, crowd of uncaring strangers! (honestly, I was very pleased nobody said anything.)
I’m so sorry, that really really sucks.
When my longtime boyfriend and I broke up I was certain I would never find anyone as great as he was (later I realized I was very wrong about how great he was, but that’s beside the point). I let myself mope and pout and cry and feel a thousand feelings. Then after a while, I got bored of not having anyone to make out with, tried online dating, and inadvertently met my husband. Life is weird. It does get better. <3
Haha, that sounds pretty great. How old were you when you met your husband?
I was…almost 25 when we met. That seems ridiculously young now!
I know every situation is different but here’s what I wish someone had told me 6 months ago because I violated almost all of these to my own detriment:
1) Cut off all contact with your ex. It’s not gonna do you any good. Do not text them. Block all their social media.
2) Surround yourself with friends. This is the most important part.
3) Surround yourself with strangers. Go do everything right now. Say no to nothing.
4) Go outside a lot. Work out maybe. Drink in moderation.
5) Do not fuck someone right away to fix that dent in your self-esteem, wait until the part where you’re not crying in bathrooms on a daily basis
6) Do not suggest to stay friends.
7) Get yourself back whatever it takes.
YES to the staying friends thing. It took me a while to figure out that it’s rarely worth it and rarely actually works out, especially after a committed relationship versus someone you were seeing casually. I used to suggest this even when I didn’t want to be friends because I thought it was the polite thing to do. Ick.
I had an ex insist that no matter what happened, we agree that we were going to be amicable and stay friendly. Which turned out to be horse manure cause there was money (and other) stuff that got messy between us – it now both looks naive and kind of like a manipulative ploy to suggest “No matter what I do you must agree to still think fondly of me, or you’re going back on your word, you monster!”
The vibe I got from my ex was that he wanted to stay friends because if we did, it would mean I was fine and he didn’t have to feel bad for any of the bullshit he pulled.
I haven’t spoken to him in almost a year, and the only thing I regret is not cutting off contact sooner.
Totally. I was wildly insecure and think it all came from a place of “we’re breaking up but please never think any bad thoughts about me, pleaseplease like me anyway.”
These are wonderful pearls of wisdom. Thank you for sharing– and glad to hear that you are in a better place then you were 6 months ago!
Sorry to hear this, avo. The relationship I thought was The One ended when I was 28 and while it was *very* sad I realized going forward that I had so much growth in store and that situation in particular was helping me to stay afraid and not pursue it. I know that advice to “take this time for yourself” is complete horseshit to hear when you’re still grieving, but when you start to resurface, do take time to find and enjoy things just for you! It gives you a lot of sparkle going forward, and new ways to connect with whomever The One or ones might be.
You know, I think it’s hard cause you think in your late twenties, you have all your shit figured out and have discovered all there is to discover. But maybe not. How are you doing now?
Hahaha, be prepared to realize in your late thirties and beyond that the certainty of the late twenties is often a pretty tenuous thing at best. At 46 I am still shocked at my younger self and relieved to be under no obligation to know it all or even most of it. And I am mostly OK these days, though it’s very complicated where love is concerned (might be moving in with that person after 18 years apart to live platonically, but we shall see).
Gosh, this doesn’t make things better, but I was at that stage a few years ago and most of those marriages have already ended. So, you may very well be dodging a bullet? Breakup>divorce, cause you don’t have to deal with as much legal and money stuff (which always makes things messy).
Which is very much not to say that everyone who marries in their 20s gets divorced. I’m sure many of your friends and other Toasties have wonderful marriages that will last forever. But more to say that people around you seeming happily coupled sometimes are and sometimes are just on the verge of things falling apart and there are always opportunities on the other side, no matter how hopeless it feels in the moment.
Yeah, this is true. I don’t think a lot of people would’ve guessed that me and my ex were on the verge of falling apart. Thanks for the perspective 🙂
My Great Heartbreak happened when I was a teen (although an older teen, and like Jane Bennet, it was my first attachment – first crush even! – and all the steady warmth of my character combined with that to make it especially heart-wrenching), and I was convinced that we were Meant To Be Together and the fact that my crush also liked me (first time ever!) and felt the same way about books and writing and words made it so so magical… I still refer to him as The Boy Who Broke My Heart and not by his name.
I was fully convinced I was going to die alone, I had even picked out a roomie and a pass-time (wine spritzers in rocking chairs). Then I met someone who was _not_ magical and special and everything I had ever dreamed of, and we started knocking boots (à la advice hereabove), and it kinda worked out and it has been kinda working out for nigh on 13 years at this point. And I am so grateful, because this dude is everything I needed and nothing that I wanted, and our lives are magical and wonderful and sometimes i have to stop whatever we are doing because I feel like the affection I feel for him makes it hard for me to breathe.
You can do this. And we will be here to help *hugs*
Oof, that is so lovely. It’s hard because all I can think about now is how I can never find again the XYZ things that made us so fucking special, but maybe that’s okay, because what I really need will be none of those things when the right person comes along.
Ugh, I don’t usually out myself as a nerd quite so hard, but if you are a trekkie, in the episode in which Wes falls in love way over his head and then loses his shit because she’s different (O the 90s. It was a simpler time for tv plots), towards the end, Guinen points out that no, you will never love this way again. Because each love is different and unique, and the things that you loved about this one will not be the things that you love about the next one and that is ok because we are all multi-faceted onionskinlayers. Sound life advice, that.
it’s even going to be ok if you still think the person was pretty great in the future, they just didn’t want to be with you anymore. I found that the hardest, when even years later I still thought the person was pretty great. It wasn’t a situation where I realized they were bad for me, or a bad person. They weren’t garbage, they were a good person, our relationship just wasn’t working for them. Even then. you will be ok. Maybe you meet someone else, maybe you don’t. I would bet you do, but you’ll be ok either way.
I listened to angry/ sad music and ran a marathon. So possibly exercise and do something active, that takes your mind off of things.
Yeah, that really helps. Because I don’t think my ex was a garbage person– he was in many ways so warm, loving, and empathetic. But I hope that I will still be okay.
I am so sorry honey! I’m sending you big internet hugs and lots of positive thoughts and love.
My suggestion, if it’s possible, is when you’re ready to think about other people in a hubba-hubba sense, although possibly not in a finding a New Person sense, consider making out. That helped me with my last big breakup. It was fun, it was easy, and limiting myself to making out helped me to feel in control of my life and my destiny again. It might seem really high school, but it was great and low pressure. It helped me get through the pain and gave me some confidence again (also in regards to moving on, when you’re ready, if you are feeling down on yourself fake it ’til you make it–I just acted like I was confident and happy and eventually I was).
Remember that you are amazing and wonderful and you will get through this.
Thank you for the hugs and the advice 🙂
When my 4 year relationship ended almost exactly a year ago, Toasties gave me amazing break-up music recommendations in this open thread: the-toast.net/2014/12/05/friday-open-thread-4 . There’s a decent mix of catharsis and hope in the suggestions so I hope you find something that works for you. For what it’s worth, I thought I was going to marry the woman who inspired that thread and now, a year later, I’m dating someone who is a much better match for me and who my friends say looks like “the human equivalent of the heart-eyes emoji whenever he looks at you”. Be kind to yourself and best of luck to you, avocadoavocat.
Aw, I’m so glad to hear that you are with someone who adores you like that. That’s amazing. Thanks for sharing.
Time, absolutely, and wonderful, luscious escapism. I don’t watch it any more and barely even remember a single episode, but during my divorce I watched Once Upon a Time obsessively. I also dove deeply and completely into my work, which I am lucky is the sort of work one can do that with, and also that it’s work I care about, and that I can always do more with (I’m a literature teacher). I also exercised a lot, in a group setting. So that’s my recipe for a successful breakup.
That sounds really great– I’m glad that you have work you can really dive into!
Jedi hugs. Mine moved out on Saturday after a gradual and probably irredeemable slide into jackassness, and it sucks but I *already* feel lighter and better. But it usually takes a long time and requires way more patience than you think it should. I’m in my early 30s and have friends who’ve already divorced, which helps when you’re turning to friends to put things in perspective. Don’t be afraid to really lean on your friends for a while. We’ll be fine.
I am so glad that you’re already feeling better! Many hugs and comforting thoughts for you.
My fiancee called things off this summer a month before the wedding, so I feel you, avocadoavocat. For me, I had to give myself permission to just feel whatever I felt for a few months and set firm boundaries with friends about what they were/were not allowed to say about my ex and my coping strategies. Lately I’ve been trying to work on my own sense of what is comfortable or scary — so for me, it’s more socializing with strangers, letting things happen at the last minute, and trying to keep my anxiety brain under control.
Best to you, it’s getting better for me, and I trust it will for you, too.
I am so, so sorry to hear that. That sounds devastating. I’m really glad that you’ve been able to start stepping out of your comfort zone– that’s amazing! I hope you keep healing and finding strength. <3
Last night, my partner of five years and the father of my child has suggested he might be leaving me, after a year in therapy of trying to navigate my overwhelming desires and his lack of them. He feels the distance between us, stated last night that he realizes it lies with him, and he’s just not sure he cares about changing it. But he won’t be absolute about it, is still thinking about it, just letting me wallow in total rejection and misery and grief while I mentally figure out how to pack for my two year old and I to go move in with my parents because I have no means of supporting myself and her. I am a ghost in my own house. Which is really his house, because I have basically nothing but a couple of steamer trunks full of opera scores and sheet music, a large case of essential oils, and a piano that got destroyed in our move that are really mine.
Which is to say, I am basically dying of heartbreak and have no wisdom, but you can share my life-raft if I manage to find one. *hug*
Oh my gosh, I am so, so sorry. I will share with you any life raft I find, and keep you in my good thoughts.
Miss Catherine, you may need a hug, too; your story just made my eyes bug out of my head with empathy.
It is here if you need it.
You will be fine. It won’t be quick, and getting there is horrendous, but you will be FINE. I got ditched more or less on our tenth anniversary, I went on our anniversary holiday with his mother, my world fell apart. There was a long old time when I couldn’t do anything but function at the bare bones of anything, a long time when I didn’t want to function, and then it very slowly got better. I had several ridiculous affairs with thoroughly unadvisable people, started getting tattoos, chopped half my hair off and dyed it silly colours, started going to festivals again, took up skiing, bought the horse equivalent of a Ferrari, had my teenage toyboy try to teach me how to ride a motorbike (gave that one up fairly swiftly), and spent the first bit of my thirties havingthe most fun possible. It started out because fuck it, I had nothing left in my life so nothing to lose, and then I was having so much fun I have continued to live my midlife crisis even though the crisis is in the past.
I won’t forget how I felt, I don’t think I’ll ever really forgive him, but I survived and my life is bloody brilliant now.
Your life sounds bad-ass and amazing. So glad you were able to pick up the pieces and build this life for yourself!
Now, my life is pretty much exactly what I always thought it would be – and it’s SO different from how it was when I was with my ex. I was happy enough at the time, and I loved him enough that it wasn’t an issue, but my life suits me so much more now.
I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this hard time right now. My heart goes out to you and I’m sending you all the comforting, supportive energy I can muster.
About seven years ago, my first fiance broke off our engagement (out of the blue) (over AOL INSTANT FUCKING MESSENGER) and I just lost it, I completely broke down after I got phone confirmation; if my mom and best friend hadn’t been at my house with me I’m not sure what I would have done — and I don’t mean that in a histrionic, “My love has left me so I shall end it all” kind of way, I just mean that I felt like an animal bleeding out in a trap and I would have torn my own heart out if it would have made that pain stop.
The next year was one of the most confusing, painful, melancholy years of my life; I felt like my heart was being rebroken every day for a long time. I had had such a solid vision of my future with that partner that to suddenly be faced with something different was practically incomprehensible. I felt completely adrift.
But life moved on, even if I wasn’t sure that I wanted it to. I dragged myself through my days and my nights, because there were still things to do that didn’t involve my ex: a job to go to, a degree to earn, friends and family to be with. I wouldn’t say I was my best self, but going through the motions ensured that I was at least still a self at all — I still had things that were mine.
And, with time and reflection and distraction and goals striven for and achieved, I started to feel better again. For me, that’s just how healing happens — it hurts and hurts, but you keep pushing through, and eventually it hurts less. And you will have learned some lessons — because there are always things to be learned — and the part of you that’s suffered such a sea-change has been integrated with your glowing, essential core, and you are whole again.
The next year, the man I’d started seeing initially as a distraction from my pain asked me to be his girlfriend, and I surprised myself by realizing I’d fallen in love again and saying yes. We got married the year after that. Our life together hasn’t always been easy, but I’m at a point where I am happy every day, in ways small and large, to be with my husband. We have worked hard to build the strong, supportive, loving marriage that we both deserve, but I know we couldn’t have even started if we hadn’t each had our own histories of heartbreak and recovery.
I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, but every major experience offers the opportunity for growth. You are so strong. Onward.
This actually happened for me at the very beginning of the year. We’d been together a bit over four years, I was 26.
The first few days were bad. I didn’t eat enough. I cried so much that I’m pretty sure I coughed up my weight in snot. I drank more mezcal than anyone should on a mostly-empty stomach. I barely muddled through the quarter because I was crying too hard to do my work.
And then I left town, and went home for a few months, and I realized that it was never going to work anyway and the kindest thing we could ever have done for each other was amputating the limb before the gangrene kept spreading, and I really believe that knowing that was what kept us close friends. We want very different things out of life and we needed to call it quits before we made compromises we’d resent each other for.
I started a new hobby. I hung out with my friends. I flirted with a cute dude. I got back into my work and met new contacts in my field. I got shot down by a lot of cute straight girls. I did all the things that reinforced what I liked about myself, and that was a big scary thing to do in a lot of ways, but it was probably the most important thing I could have done.
You come first! Your goals come first! And maybe you don’t want to get out of bed right now, but you’re not going to get anything better for yourself if you stay there. So get up again and do nice things for yourself. Love and happiness happen when you build them around yourself.
I got married IN MY LATE 30S and then had a horrible breakup almost a decade later followed by crazy and lasting romance, so definitely a)people partnering up is not the last word and b)you can experience crazy life-altering passion any old time.
And we Olds all know so many couples who married because it seemed like the right time and that didn’t work out at all well. If your Someone had any feelings like that, a million times better to know now than to spend ten or twenty years with them and have them admit later that they went through with it because it seemed like the thing to do and besides, Scott and Karen were getting married and Scott seemed to think that everyone had doubts so it must be true.
I’m at that stage in my late-twenties when all my friends are partnering with the person they’re going to be with forever. And I thought that I was there too.
Oh sweets. I know I’m a day and change late, but I just wanted to say that I completely understand this feeling. I’m 29 and I broke up with my partner of 12 years in May, and while I’m more or less recovered from the break up and loving my life (stupid ongoing legal shit not withstanding), the ‘everyone around me is partnering’ thing is taking longer to shake.
It’s such a weird thing, because I don’t actually believe that I’m going to die alone or anything, but the timing is just so whacked? Like if it had been 5 years earlier, I would’ve had a plenty of friends still in the hooking up/dating/semi-serious relationship game, and if it was 5 years later, I’d have the first lot of divorced friends, but RIGHT NOW is when everyone is settling into their big serious partnerships and I’m single for the first time since I was a teenager. I’m like ‘alright, single and ready to jingle! (c.f. Toast) Commence flirting with everything that moves! Bring forth the candidates for drunken makeouts!’, but everyone else is all ‘be my bridesmaid!’ and ‘isn’t my wife awesome’ and ‘look we made a human!’
So, this isn’t quite the survival narrative you’re looking for, since I’m still in the middle of the story, but from three chapters ahead, I can say – the hurt does get better. You will be able to breathe again. You will even start checking out other people, including the oddly hot, but married, floppy haired manager at your work, and the smoking hot 20 year old who somehow made it onto your otherwise late-20s-early-30s mixed soccer team. I’ll let you know when I figure out the rest, but I promise, we’re gonna be okay.
I am crazy late to this party (“party”), but my friend actually just sent me a link to this thread because I am going through the EXACT same thing right now. I don’t have a ton of wisdom to share because I think we’re pretty much in the same emotional place, but I do live in New York so if you ever want to get together (perhaps for a tour of these hot spots http://cryingnewyork.tumblr.com/ or to participate in some mildly embarrassing Meetup groups?), I’m down.
I did not see this reply until now! And hilariously replied to your comment on the open thread today, saying pretty much exactly this. I WANT TO TAKE POTTERY TOO, let’s do it together! My e-mail address is my full name so I don’t want to put it here, but if you have one that you want to share I can e-mail you? And we can be friends?
Re: the “Holiday Season” article, I am furious because I went to no less than SIX pharmacies/grocery stores/places with seasonal decor trying to find Hanukah candles yesterday and NOBODY HAD ANY. (I live in a major metropolitan area so this was not a problem I was expecting.)
Most of them had “Holidays!” displayed on a large signs hanging over the aisle, or in a large red and green display. I could buy Christmas-themed Pez dispensers that looked like Frozen characters, Christmas varieties of every imaginable candy, and blankets patterned with Christmas trees. There were no Hanukah candles, or really, anything that wasn’t Christmas. WHY IS THIS CALLED A “HOLIDAY” AISLE? IT IS A CHRISTMAS AISLE. CALL IT A CHRISTMAS AISLE.
At least the sales associates who I asked had the grace to look totally embarrassed when I asked where the candles were.
Don’t know if you’re in the US, but I’ve found that Target’s Hanukkah hollow gesture is slightly less hollow than other big-box stores. There were even different kinds of candles to choose from.
I hope you found your candles.
I found some eventually, but I was mostly annoyed that it took so many stores to find some and then seeing that article this morning made me angry again. Thanks though!
In a pinch, some stores will have Advent candles, some of which are a reasonable blue rather than Let Us Pray Purple or Gaudete Rose.
Also, not to be off-topic, but I finally got around to fully reading the Victorians piece from Friday’s Link Roundup, and all y’all’s commentary is both hilarious and whip-smart. Please never stop.
Toasties, off topic, but Sephora recs? I was wrapping presents in the mall last night, as part of some food bank fundraising, and on my break I entered a mall draw and won a hundred dollar mall gift card! The only shop in the mall I’m interested in is Sephora, and it seems like the sort of thing to indulge myself with. What would you get with a surprise hundo?!
I just found out my company badge gets me 20% off at Sephora and I’m just like CONTAIN YOURSELF. I would get Clinique products, all the NARS make-up, fancy perfumes
I would buy a million lipsticks. Or a really wild eyeliner color that I normally can’t justify because I’d almost never wear it. Orrrr super fancy skin care products.
Smith’s Rosebud Salve, and also the Minted Rose, and also anything else old-time apothecary-y in design. Re: Makeup proper, I got nothin, but congratulations!
Every type of nail polish.
OH MY GOD.
I would definitely indulge in some ridiculously expensive Chanel No. 5 products. It’s my Fancy Lady perfume, and I really want like, lotion or bubble bath or something really indulgent.
OR I would indulge in some GlamGlow stuff, which works SO well and is SO SO expensive.
After indulging, I would stock up on stuff like primer, hair goop, and eye goop so that I don’t have to worry about it for a while.
I would probably split it and use half to upgrade something I use every day (foundation or concealer) and use the other half for something super frivolous and fun (bright lipstick and sheet masks).
I got an Ole Hendrickson sampler recently and I adore every single product. (I ended up getting the full-size moisturizer). Everything from Fresh is spectacular too, especially their Sugar tinted lip treatments.
Seconding Ole Hendrickson, so many great products that I can’t normally afford.
I got the NARS lip pencils as part of the yearly birthday free gift and I while I generally don’t feel the need to get makeup more expensive than the stuff from ELF, I’m really enjoying them.
If I had a surprise $100 to spend at Sephora I think I would go for a Guerlain Rouge G lipstick – I’ve only heard wonderful things about the formula but they’re $50+ – and something from the Dr. Jart ceramidin skincare line because my face needs a lot of babying during the winter.
In my experience, the Urban Decay Revolution lipsticks are really great. (The regular line – I haven’t tried the sheer or the matte ones.) I would avoid Sephora Collection anything – their colour products are not very pigmented at all and have poor staying power, although I like their liquid liner and their Pro line of brushes are pretty good.
I would definitely get samples of any sample-able product first, because it would be a shame if you had to return anything!
I wouldn’t know what to get, so maybe a makeover? Their website says it’s free with a $50 minimum purchase, so assuming that they’ll accept the gift card for that, it wouldn’t actually take away from your winnings. And if you loved the stuff they used, you could buy it, and if not then you could have a backup purchase in mind from this thread and buy that instead.
Ahhh that’s a good idea!!!
NARS lipsticks. I wear a lot of lipstick and most of it is relatively cheap so I’ve found the cheap brands that work well for me (which btw if anyone is looking for recs on that front, ColourPop is life-changing), BUT my mom got me a NARS Audacious one as a gift and it’s incredible. I had no idea there could be that much quality difference, but there really, really is. It lasts forever! It looks good with one coat and amazing with two! It doesn’t feather or bleed weirdly! I truly treasure it.
I might also consider a new perfume, if that’s your jam. Perfume is SO expensive!
This thing is the best skin-care product I’ve ever tried, hands down. I usually forget to put it on at night, but if I’m having a bad skin day I use it and I see a visible change the next day without fail: http://www.sephora.com/wild-rose-vitamin-c-advanc…
I also highly recommend the Naked palettes (esp Naked 3) because they feel fancy and extravagant but are also ideal for daily wear so you can get a ton of use out of them.
I opened this post an hour ago, and then I clicked over to the “my favourite deleted comments” one, and then I got lost in its perfect beauty.
Brb, re-posting it to FB to continue our perpetual misandry machine.
I had never read the deleted comments from the White Man Book List & boy, was my life lacking. Maybe I just hang out with the right people, but that is SUCH a strong reaction to ‘literally.’
I am SO EXCITED for the misandrist mermaid tote. It’s so pretty!
I mostly go to the Hair Cuttery when I notice that I need a trim (I am trying to get my hair cut more often then once every “I can’t remember how long it’s been” but am still working out what the optimal length of times between trims is for my hair). And since I just take the first stylist available, I don’t have a relationship with them, so there’s no catching up, and often (depending on which one I go to), the stylist isn’t a native English speaker, so mostly the conversation is “yes, that is the correct amount of hair to cut off, go for it”. Sometimes I worry that I should try to be chattier with the person cutting my hair (or doing my nails), but why?
Seconding the call for Toast mugs (to serve with toast!). Firsting (not fisting) the call for postcards with these designs on them, as I would buy several sets and take special joy in mailing them. Millionthing the love for Sansa who in the photot here looks like Austin, my childhood Shepherd/Husky mix who was too great a dog for my dirtbag family. And ugh, Toasties who pray or send thoughts or good vibes, please please pony up a few for my next door neighbor, a dear woman with a delightfully dorky poodle, who appears to be having a recuurence of brain cancer after undergoing surgery and a lengthy recovery just a few years ago. Her name is Elizabeth and we are all hopeful for the best outcome and organizing bucket brigades where food and dog walks &c. are concerned, but oh, please let this be a mistake if at all possible.
I third your mug request and second your postcard idea!
I would also love mugs!
Yesterday was the deadline to return gifts for the church Giving Tree. The tree still had about 10-15 tags on it which had been unclaimed.
Every single unclaimed tag was for a “New Mom”/”New Mom/Teenage Mom”.
I have complicated feelings about this. Were the tags added late? Where they the majority of the tags in the first place, so odds dictate they were the most likely to be left?
I didn’t grab one–we grabbed one tag for a child gift and another for a senior gift–but this makes me feel so terrible. If yesterday wasn’t the deadline, I would have snatched three or four of them off the tree to fulfill.
Sometimes the deadlines can be flexible, especially if whoever is coordinating this thing realizes that there are some people who won’t currently get gifts. If you want/have time, you could try contacting that person and see if they can still accept those gifts this week.
I’m cynical, so I’d tend to think that those tags were not claimed on purpose, but it’s probably best to assume it wasn’t intentional, or that they were added late and whoever added them just hoped that there would still be time for people to get gifts.
I have not had my hair cut since 1983, so I just quietly smile to myself when people talk about salon etiquette… But I know someone who was deeply bummed to move away from her haircutter, because he was entirely fabulous… and deaf. They communicated about what needed to happen for the hair, and the rest, silence.
do we know how much the totes will cost? need to run all scenarios so i know (a) whether i should still buy an amazing/unnecessary jumpsuit my boss (?!) enthusiastically had me try on on friday, (b) whether only i will be enjoying these totes, or (c) whether i am buying them for every lady i know
Twenty bucks plus shipping, and I would never tell you not to buy a jumpsuit, jumpsuits come first.
YOU get a tote, and YOU get a tote, and YOUUUUUU get a tote!!!
Hi teammates! The James Deen comment above was handled so well by the commentariat that I have elected to leave it in place (the commenter has been with us for ages, so it didn’t encounter the spinning-knives of moderation, which would surely have been a swift death.)
Thank you.
I also don’t want this to sound like BAD COMMENTER HID AMONG US, I think the commenter is a good commenter who made a bad comment.
As my daughter says: “Gerald the Elephant is not bad, he just made a bad choice.”
Yeees Elephant and Piggy books. /hijack
The general consensus, as far as I can tell, seems to be that the original comment was way out of line, and I don’t agree with this at all. The commenter had a question, she raised it for discussion, she read the discussion, she changed her mind, and she said so. What else is a discussion for, if not to allow people to ask questions and get answers and change their minds?
What I’m disturbed by is not the original comment but the tone of a few of the responses. Many people responded thoughtfully and politely, but some were angry and accusatory, and by the end of the thread the commenter was apologizing for having asked the question in the first place, and the whole thing just had a bullying tone to it that struck me as being much less compatible with the spirit of the Toast than the original comment itself.
I do not expect to read rape apology in an explicitly feminist space, especially with no trigger warning. I also am under no obligation to be nice to people who provide cover for rapists by encouraging us all to see their side of things, withhold judgement, and consider their feelings at the expense of the rapist’s victims.
One of the aspects central to the Spirit of the Toast, to the degree that such a thing exists, is that we believe the victims of rape and sexual assault by default. Not that we ignore evidence to the contrary, or participate in witch hunts, or anything like that. But when strangers say that they were mugged or some other bad thing happened to them, unless we have very specific evidence to the contrary, we generally just assume they’re telling the truth. Around here, when it comes to people saying they were raped, assaulted, molested, we grant them the same assumption of truth that we do for other victims of other crimes.
Because of this strong community standard, we tend to see this place, not just content generated by editors and contributors but also the comment area, as safer spaces. Not uniformly safe from all uncomfortable things, disagreement and disagreeableness happen here, certainly. But I also don’t expect to find a comment here that, roughly translates to “But what about the poor accused rapist? Have you thought about how his life will be affected??”
It was a bad comment. Reading it hurt. At one point today, I cried at my desk at work. It was a choice I made, I chose to engage. I knew I didn’t have to, and I knew that others were making very good arguments. I knew that if I wanted to close the browser and pretend it didn’t happen, I could do that instead.
Toast comments are moderated HEAVILY. This is NOT NOT NOT a place where we tolerate every bad opinion from anyone who wants to share, and kindly and generously educate them. We are generally kind and generous with each other, but, yes, sometimes we get angry.
Sometimes anger is an appropriate response to a world and culture that tries to tear us down.
And, no, I’m honestly not angry at the commenter that started all of this. She lives in the midst of rape culture, just like the rest of us. I’ve made mistakes too. For example, my posts in this thread have a number of typos I failed to catch before posting. (siiiigh).
That doesn’t change the fact that it was a bad comment.
I guess it partly comes down to how you see the role of the Toast in general. If you think of this discussion board as a kind of huge club for people who already hold more or less the same views, see through rape culture automatically with no outside help, etc., then it makes perfect sense to restrict that kind of comment. But I’m thinking of the people who are working their way toward a Toastie point of view, and who come here as a way of figuring out things like, say, their approach to feminism. For all the people who feel comfortable posting here, there are a lot of people who mostly lurk, and who (I think) would benefit from seeing so many thoughtful and intelligent people explaining this issue. Regular Toasties may not need that discussion thread, but other people do, and if even just the original poster was able to see rape culture more clearly for what it is, then I think the discussion accomplished something and we shouldn’t blame her for starting it. This is an amazing community, and we have the power to change people’s minds – but not if we vilify them for asking questions in the first place.
In addition to what queenmondegreen said, I have faith that people who are working towards a Toastie point of view and need to read a discussion about whether people are too quick to believe rape victims can find such a discussion elsewhere on the internet. And the Toast can decline to host this particular argument without saying that they will never allow any disagreements at all.
And! The Toast is home to articles and links to articles that discuss rape culture. Upsetting arguments in the comments are not the only way to help people “see through” rape culture.
Also — it’s not “just asking questions.” It’s explicitly disbelieving rape victims, which is something that HARMS actual people, way more than being told “woah you are extremely wrong and off base here” does.
I said I wouldn’t keep writing, but I just wanted to be clear: if I thought that the original comment was explicitly disbelieving rape victims, I would have no sympathy at all for the poster, and I probably would have joined in the comments attacking her. We read it differently. I completely understand why you responded the way you did, and I apologize for criticizing your response.
We’re going to disagree on LOTS of things, and lots of things can be discussed in a way that’s somewhat less careful. Hamilton. Cargo Shorts. And then there are some things where people have wildly different views, but we can mostly talk about that wide range with consideration and respect— like religion.
And then there are some things that the comments section here is not going to be a 101 section for. We’re not here to do feminism 101, we’re not here to do racism 101, we’re not here to do trans 101. We’re not here for rape culture 101.
I am, in fact, willing to do 101 elsewhere. I do 101 elsewhere. I’m happy to have discussions that accomplish that sort of thing elsewhere.
I’m even fine with doing it here, a bit, under slightly different circumstances. If someone asks for resources to 101 themselves or a friend. If someone says “I think I’m missing something here, what is it?”.
Even if we were all willing to give up our safer space on this handful of issues in order to teach the public about this stuff, it still wouldn’t be the right place for it. The Toast doesn’t solicit or post 101 type pieces, so 101 type questions are often very derailing. And people who lurk in the comments of link roundups on a regular basis are also mostly not the people who need to read 101 things, so it’s not like it would be very effective.
But I’m really not finding the bullying, vilifying, etc that you’re seeing. People argued, vehemently, against an IDEA. Against a *position*. Not a person.
In fact, I think that everyone’s been really good about arguing against ideas, rather than people. I don’t think the_other_Kate is a bad person, I think she made a bad post. I think your heart is in the right place to be concerned about how we treat each other when we discuss difficult things, I just disagree with your ideas about what we’re doing here and what the tone has been so far.
I also think that much of the reaction that we’re seeing is that these are questions that have been answered comprehensively (shouldn’t we care about the poor rapist? Don’t women lie? being accused of perpetuating oppression is as bad as being oppressed!), time and time again. This isn’t just one person’s cruddy comment, this is years and years of this shit, which suddenly pops up in one place you think is free from it.
Toasts have you read this? You must read this. http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/cover_stor…
I did & will be thinking about it for the rest of the day.
Me too. Or rather, I read it yesterday and haven’t stopped thinking of it since.
Does “you can buy them forever” mean the tote bags aren’t a limited-edition run?? Because my December budget is sadly committed right now but I would absolutely order these in January!
Correct! Well, I mean, conceivably we could sell out, but if we sold out really fast, we would just make more of them. We have 500 mermaid, 500 take to the sea, 250 big hair no heart.
HURRAY! So glad to hear we can probably still get these next month. Most of the time home-owning is the best, but I’m looking at replacing my bathroom floor AND my hot water heater, and Toast tote bags, while essential, will not enable me to maintain hygiene and safety.
Did the totes go up on the site and sell out without my ever seeing it happen? That would be…. A shame.
A bit late and off-topic, but could anyone recommend some recent YA fantasy/dystopia/adventure books? My sisters are both trusting me to get them books for Christmas, but I actually haven’t read much YA this year that I would recommend to them (already gifted Uprooted for Sister #1s birthday). They’re both in college.
For urban fantasy, Shadowshaper by Daniel Jose Older is quite good. I haven’t read it yet, but Carry On by Rainbow Rowell has a lot of fans and is more straight fantasy and I’ve enjoyed her other work.
Love is the Drug by Alaya Dawn Johnson is really good, from last year. Near future dystopian set in the DC area. Bluescreen by Dan Wells is more typical dystopian and looks good, and I’ve enjoyed other books by him both Adult and YA.
I really enjoyed the Ancillary Justice series by Ann Leckie- I’m a fan of dystopian novels, and think it could fit into that category since there is a lot of commentary about unjust political systems and a dysfunctional empire, but it’s also definitely science fiction. Wikipedia refers to it as a “Space Opera Trilogy”. The main characters don’t distinguish individuals by gender, so everyone just uses female pronouns by default, which is an aspect of the storytelling I enjoyed A LOT. I don’t typically read much science fiction, but the first two novels of the trilogy were both included in NPR’s best books of the year recommendation, which is how I came across them.
The Ancillary series is great. I thought the third book was amazing. The only thing is that the first book is a bit of slog at first, and it might be a lot for someone who isn’t into space opera style science fiction.
I have two favourites!
Above my Leah Bobet – it’s like if X-Men were real kids, and there was no richy rich Professor X to save them so instead they are insitutionalized, pathologized and eventually escape the mental health facility to live in an underground community in the sewers. It’s got all the intersectionalities – race, class, gender, sexuality, it’s all going on and it’s beautifully written.
The Voices In Between by Charlene Challenger. It’s like Peter Pan, in that these magical people come and play the pipes to lead abused kids away from their homes to a fantasy land where they’re cared for.. except the fantasy land is actually ruled by a capricious sort of deity and the magical people have their own painful secrets. It’s got a queer POC protagonist and is just so imaginative!
Leah Bobet’s new book Inheritance of Ashes is also wonderful – it’s about two sisters trying to keep their farm together after a war in which weird Twisted Things have scarred the world. I may have cried at the end.
Kate Elliott’s Court of Fives may appeal to fans of Little Women, American Ninja Warrior, and magic.
I was going to recommend Court of Fives – it’s daft as a brush but I burned through it in about three hours so it must have been good.
A few I’ve liked lately:
Carry On, by Rainbow Rowell (British boarding-school fantasy with a really cool system of magic and queer characters)
The Raven Boys series, by Maggie Stiefvater (I’m not sure how to even describe these but there’s a friend group and class issues and magic and ghosts and hopefully also queer characters although at this point in the series there are only hints)
Shades of London series by Maureen Johnson (more boarding school, more ghosts)
Under a Painted Sky by Stacy Lee (this is a historical, but it’s adventurous, so I’m including it. A Chinese girl and a black girl team up to run away along the Oregon trail)
I really liked Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo. It’s a heist book in a fantasy setting and it’s great fun.
+1 for Six of Crows! SO HEIST, SO FUN!!!
Also the book itself is so pretty, so even better for gifting!
Killer of Enemies by Joseph Bruchac (it has a sequel just out but I can’t remember the name)
Orleans by Sherri L Smith
Razerhurst by Justine Larbalestier
Every Other Day by Jennifer Lynn Barnes
The Chaos Nalo Hopkinson
Thirding the recommendation for Court of Fives – possibly my favourite book of the year.
Not YA, but I think could appeal to some of the same audience, Zen Cho’s Sorceror to the Crown – frothy regency romp with magic and thoughts on colonialism (I also recommend her novella The Perilous Life of Jade Yeo & short story collection Spirits Abroad). Another fantastic regency romp with magic is Stephanie Burgis’ Kat, Incorrigible – this one is MG, with a strong sister bond.
Haven’t read much dystopia lately, but The Fire Sermon by Francesca Haig, Gemsigns by Stephanie Saulter and The Fifth Season by NK Jemisin are all on my TBR – the first is definitely dystopian, I think the others are more social SF and epic fantasy respectively, but with dystopian elements. Oh, and I enjoyed Across a Star-Swept Sea by Diana Peterfreund – gender swapped Scarlet Pimpernel retelling in a post-apocalyptic world.
In adventure, I loved Genevieve Valentine’s Persona, a thriller where celebrities are the face of international diplomacy and one of the Faces has to go on the run with a paparazzo after an assassination attempt. I recommend the audiobook.
Sansa!! She is a fluffy little bear cub and I bet one long snuggle into that sweet fluff would cure all the woes of my soul.
Speaking of soul woes, Facebook just reminded me that today would have been my high school bff’s birthday today – it is 5 years now since she passed away and it is still so unspeakably sad.
Mourning in the age of social media can be very bizarre and unsettling imo – I think it’s the showoff-ness combined with how impersonal it is? Not in every case, of course – but in this case I just know what sort of person my friend was and what she thought of things, and I know the sort of people who make these long “in memoriam” posts, and it just doesn’t sit well with me. Everyone’s grief is different, and I don’t expect people to just be sitting by themselves as tho it’s the 17th century, but you know. It’s just. Weird.
I try to remember that mourning has always had a performative aspect to it, that it’s just a thing people do and that everyone does it in their own way, but the phenomenon of people posting on someone else’s FB walls who has passed about how they still miss them and think about them makes my skin crawl a little bit (in no small part because I am an emotionally repressed person who mourns by turning off all of my electronics and getting drunk and maudlin in a dark room).
It is so weird. A very close friend of mine died last year and there were all these people posting about it. On the one hand it was really nice to see other people thinking about him and feel like we were all in this together. On the other hand, some of these posts made it really obvious that those people didn’t know him at all. Plus I am not comfortable posting on fb about emotional things, so I had weird jealousy that these people had greater public ownership of my grief.
It was also kind of awful that a bunch of people found out through seeing facebook posts–though also super important, since there was no way anyone could contact everyone he knew individually, and it’s not like everyone he knew lived in the same area and would be reading obituaries in a local paper.
I’m sorry for your loss — I hope you can make time to feel your feelings and take care of yourself today.
This happened to my mum recently, her friend passed about 7years ago I think.
I agree it’s all a bit weird.
I am sorry for your loss.
I am so glad that the major losses I’ve had happened before facebook and so I never have to see that stuff about anyone I was close to, because I don’t think I could stand it. Grief has a place in public I guess (unless you are as uptight as I am, in which case, it doesn’t much), but it doesn’t have a place next to a reminder to go to a parade, and someone you used to live next door to complaining about their toddler.
I know I’m in a v. small group on this one but I’ve just never found any of Ottolenghi’s cookbooks worth the time. Like, I’ve definitely cooked out of all of them (thanks to the fine selection at my local library) and they are unquestionably gorgeous, but I’d say that the ratio of stuff I make where it’s fine-not-great vs. definite keeper recipes is something like 95% to 5%. They tend to be awfully prep-heavy for that kind of return.
I will say that the 5% is often truly amazing. The chermoula eggplant with bulgur from Jerusalem is a thing of beauty.
I don’t have the cookbook, but I have been making a simplified rip-off of the burrata with coriander seeds and clementine slices, and it’s so so so good. And kind of silly simple. Maybe I should splash out for the cookbook and see what steps I’m missing?
I only have Jerusalem (have had mixed success with recipes from other books, procured from library) but everything I’ve cooked out of there has been amazing. Highlights including the spinach & date salad, the hummus with marinated lamb & lemon sauce, roasted butternut & red onion with tahini salad, and the chicken with caramelized onions & cardamon.
I have never heard of this cooker before, but I am stoked to try the “Aubergine, courgette and yoghurt upside-down cake” for Chrismas dinner. Although I will present it as “Eggplant, Zucchini and Yogurt Upsede-Down Cake” because we Canadians might be more British than Americans but we’re not that British.
I have all 3 of his books (Jerusalem, Plenty, and Plenty More), and my big problem, which I’ve said before, is that in the Plenty books, it’s like everything’s a side dish, with some exceptions, and they’re fairly involved. So all this stuff looks great and delicious, but it’s not a MEAL, and if I’m spending a lot of time on one dish, I don’t want to have to spend a lot more time/energy/mental effort on two or three other things. I think Plenty and Plenty More work great for meat eaters, but for vegetarians, I really think there’s better options out there.
I do love Jerusalem though. Pro tip — recipes that call for fish fillets can be made with tofu.
Seconding this. Non-vegetarian friends own almost all his books, so I’ve flipped through them and ultimately decided not to buy, since I’m a vegetarian and really don’t need more non-proteinacious veg recipes. (I’m sure his are delicious but yeah, if it’s Tuesday night and I didn’t get home from work until 7:30, I’m not going to make multiple dishes.)
That said, I found his recipe for black pepper tofu online, and it is phenomenal, even though I cut out 75% of the butter he calls for.
Yeah I think that butter amount HAS to be a typo, because I cut it down too and it was still way too much.
We assumed it was supposed to be 1 Tbsp, instead of 11 Tbsp. It turned out fine.
I’m 100% with you in the “not worth it” camp, although I’m super into low-effort, high-yield recipes.
One of our roommates LOVES the Ottolenghi cookbooks and we’re at the point where we will turn down an offer to join for an Ottolenghi weekday meal because honestly I don’t have the energy to do that many dishes on a Tuesday.
I make stuff from Ottolenghi recipes that are published in the Guardian more often than I do from his books, although they also tend towards the prep-heavy. (A week in which the letters section of the Guardian’s Saturday magazine does not contain a letter complaining about the hard-to-get-hold-of ingredients Ottolenghi uses is a great disappointment to me.) Once I tried making an “Easter pie” of his which took about three hours. I spent a lot of time shrieking, “Doesn’t he have a baby? How can he spend so long cooking?” But one of his recipes, raqaq u addas, is billed as being quick and easy and actually is. It was published in the Guardian a few months ago and is already a definite staple in my household.
Nicole. There is an embedded tweet here. Did this get accomplished during your puppy picture pause from your Advent hiatus, or should we be emailing you the details of especially delightful tweets? If so, what are the guidelines so that we can make sure to respect the spirit of your hiatus?
EMAIL MEE
I had a dream last week that Carrie Fisher was rebooting Metropolis as Rotwang, and Golden Girls as either Blanche or Dorothy.
Best dream I’ve ever had.
so, I should be writing my grad school app. A migraine and a ton of research to be done stopped me yesterday. Will in 5 minutes.
Saturday. Me, other coach mom. Both of us have girls who will be playing boy’s lacrosse, because title 9. Went to coaches’ clinic early, and the boys (maybe college?) at the table looked at us and said, “Girls’ is over there”. We said, “Nope, we’re boys'”. THEY apologized SO quickly and politely. We spent the day as the only 2 women in the room. The first guy was old school and said, “Oh, I see we have a few moms here”. (Guy, I’m head coach) I thought in my head. But we were TOTALLY treated as equals, if something of a curiosity. Their heads exploded when we said our school’s girls play boys’ lacrosse.
The two hour drive back and forth with the other mom made me think I definitely should have become friends with her sooner. (we bonded over science fair idiocy).
I played boys lacrosse in highschool as a girl! It was an interesting experience.
Hooray for new friends and crushing the patriarchy! If you’d like a second set of eyes on your essay, geez I cannot write today, who know a bit about GIS, feel free to email me at shakerethyl at gmail dot com 🙂 I did get into grad school, as well, though part of that may have been that my essay touched on exactly the area of study that the department chair specialized in 😀
Totes!!!!!! I’m buying all 3!!!!!
There is a voicemail waiting on my phone offering me a new job, while I sit here frantically googling all the salary negotiation advice I can find. If I get myself a good deal, imma buy three totes to celebrate.
I missed weekend thread to deal with grades, and am now still super-stressed out about submitting my final grades. Also, it seems really pointless to have another week of class when I for-real don’t have time to grade anything else. But mostly I just feel on the one hand, totally dismayed by lack of guidance from the department and on the other hand, fuck it, I got a bunch of kids in my classes whose placement I don’t understand, so yeah, pass them, whatever.
Also I’m trying to write some online teaching proposals for next summer and it’s turning out to be harder than I thought. 🙁
The Justice Department investigation in Chicago is going to be. . .interesting.
In 1940, Union Carbide unveiled their prototype all-Bakelite purse to a select audience of fashion designers and military contractors at their Park Avenue headquarters. With its glass-sharp corners and edges, the purse proved equally capable of shearing through light ballistic armor and the scalp flesh of overenthusiastic children. Women wielding the purse could establish a 1.5-meter radius “zone of destruction” in full Death Blossom configuration. Later refinements included gyroscopic stabilization, pyrotechnic countermeasures, and matching wallet. An elite squad of trained operatives, known as Hell’s Handbags, was deployed during the early stages of the European theater and quickly carved a swath of devastation behind German lines. “Als ein Mann, den ich möchte nicht einverstanden!” cried the Obergruppenführer, to no avail, as he was dragged inexorably into the whirling blades of the juggernaut.
I too am a long-time fan of Carrie Fisher. I started reading her books because of my teenage obsession with Paul Simon, and then I eventually loved them and her more than I loved him. I can’t remember what interview I read it in, but I believe she’s also been the uncredited writer who punched up a number of Hollywood scripts and made them funnier. Basically, she is totally the tits and I will love her forever.
No! But my god, are you telling me that there are more like this out there?
haha yes… unfortunately…. D:
I ALWAYS did this as a child. I would loudly explain, in great detail, to anyone who wished me a merry Christmas that I didn't celebrate Christmas because I was Jewish; that instead I went to Christmas at my Nanny's though not for the holiday just to spend time with family; that with my mom and dad I celebrated Chanukah but it's not even a very important holiday anyway.
The lesson is that I was pedantic and irritating even as a child. I don't remember ever feeling offended when I launched onto this speech, I just liked to talk about myself then as now.
I think your way of handling it is fine- if she's young enough to not get your explanation, she's young enough that most reasonable adults she encounters will understand that children tend to share all kinds of personal information an adult wouldn't consider appropriate.
The cro-magnon cranium, the first ancient anatomically modern human discovered, was terribly damaged due to bone cancer.