i don’t know what you mean, Charles
that is the door
well it looks a hell of a lot like a window to me
darling i’m so sorry but if that won’t open i’m afraid there’s no other way to get inside
i came an awfully long way to see you
ahh i know it’s so terrible but
nothing i can do about how windows are made
you could at least come outside to see me
oh if only were that simple
it is simple
come to the window
we can still talk to one another
oh Charles
you’re so beautifully naïve
ok you can just drop me off here
if only there were a way for us to be together, Clarence
how happy I would be
yet fate has cruelly conspired to keep us apart
the gate has a latch, my angel
all you have to do is lift it and we are united
if only I could, my love
yet my hands are so faint from lovesickness I daren’t
then I’ll climb the gate, my darling
fences mean nothing to me
no no
you must not do that
but why
yes why indeed
why anything
why?? I often ask the heavens
but it is no use
we are like another Pyramus and Thisbe
farewell, my love
I’m sorry, Pierre, but you know I can’t hear you when I’m sitting down
if the old man leans forward just another inch I could clear his head and make the window
sorry, lads
I cannot accompany you another step on your journey
much as I have enjoyed your tales
I can go no further
the water is not deep
and we have plenty of room in the boat
and plenty of stories yet to share with you
join us!
oh gosh
I honestly wish that I could
but I
cannot
cross
running water
I thought that was witches
yes
that
I’m that thing
I’m witches, I’m too witches to come, sorry
oh nooo
this dog is pulling me backwards
I guess I can’t come home with you after all
sorry sorry sorry, dog problems
so there’s nothing here to keep me from just falling off the edge and swimming away
or wherever, swimming wherever
to hell with Paris and Ajax and all the rest of them
I could stay here with you forever
I am finished with war
do you know what I’ve suddenly realized, my angel
what’s that
heroism is deeply important to me
what?
yes
I love
sacrifices and yelling and heading nobly into a spear
that is the highest and most glorious thing a man can do
oh it pains me greatly and right up to see you go
but I’m–
but go you must
sorry
cant make it tonight
you understand
[Images via here, here, here and here]
THAT LAST PICTURE IS -EVERYTHING- I WANT IN LIFE.
I, too, would like to be able to get our of awkward social situations by riding off on a Nightmare, naked. Like you do.
“I’m too witches to come” is my new excuse for everything, thank you.
This is by far the best excuse here, although I’m also partial to “I can’t hear you when I’m sitting down”
‘Sorry, my arms are trees’ still wins it for me.
“sorry, sorry, sorry, dog problems”
Using this for everything now.
It’s just so much like what you would tell a small, not-terribly-bright child to mystify it into silence.
Especially for boring lovers AMIRITE LADIES
…sorry. I couldn’t help myself.
That and windoors should keep me away from all men ever.
“I’m too witches to come” is now my default excuse for all things.
This excuse is everything to me right now.
Ahhh I’ve actually seen that last picture irl and have a poster of it somewhere. It’s in an art gallery in Krakow!
All aboard the “I’m too witches to come” train, because it is a glorious conveyance.
I love how many of these are Tissot.
Tissot rarely encountered smiling women, it seems.
Ohhh, that first one. The way she’s snuggled up on that delightful piece of furniture, the weather, the outsideness of the dude; today, that painting represents my true heart’s wish.
Yes, Charles can do whatever he damn pleases–I want to live in that room forever.
“the outsideness of the dude”
I wish he weren’t close enough to see her (me) but we don’t live in a perfect world.
I like the other story going on in #4.
“Please, look closer. It has me greatly worried.”
“I’m telling you, it’s just a regular mole. There’s nothing irregular about it! Your nose is fine!”
“Excuse me, mister. There’s something behind your ear.”
Everyone is looking in everyone else’s ears! Maybe it a floating aural convention
Is that horse… puking?
It is frothing/foaming at the mouth, indicating it is just as amped up and eager to get away as the lasy riding it.
I think it’s puking fire
What’s happening with that horse’s mouth
Just a guess, but is it spitting out whatever poisons men feed it to keep it earthbound?
Or it’s eaten a couple of pears and is dribbling.
I am fairly certain it has consumed the gentleman with whom she had initially made plans.
good
IDK but it’s giving some serious side-eye.
It looks like Charles I.
“the gate has a latch, my angel”
Laughed loudly.
Am I the only one who hears this dialogue in the voices of Stephen Fry and Emma Thompson?
Not anymore. Now it is twenty times more delightful. Thank you.
“Ah, but I am pale, my darling. I’m so dreadfully pale.”
Witches and dog problems are pretty much already my default excuses for everything. Historical validation feels good.
ETA: Also, my dog has thirteen teats. This means she is likely a witch herself. Witch dog problems is the excuse to end all excuses. The position has been filled, all others may go home.
Are you sure it’s not just a nubbin?
When I found her she was an incredibly, incredibly pregnant dog. It is very much an odd numbered boob.
“Odd Numbered Boob” is either the name of a newly-founded grrrl band’s first album or a Shakespearean insult for an annoying single man at a fête.
Neo-Pagan dog-owner here. Yes.
I love that everyone is now too witches to come.
T-shirt!
I started to think of a really good comment but….. …. too witches
Gettin’ real sick of your shit, Sigmund.
Srsly, is the old guy Freud, or is he Freud?
This might be my favorite facial expression in all of the Western Art posts to date.
“It’s access envy, Siggy, not penis envy”
Also she looks strikingly like my partner’s ex, which is amusing me. I can’t see her standing for much bullshit either.
ahahahaha in the second one, the way he’s leaning on that poor, patient, donkey like “So then I says to the bartender, I says…”
In my head that man gets bit but good.
since the flowers she’s reaching for are rhododendron, I’m assuming she’s planning on leaving permanently, or at least sending him on ahead to wait for her.
(Unrelated tiny donkey news: There exist pictures of tiny-me on our tiny donkey, which was just like that one except maybe even cuter.)
Oh wow if there weren’t a man in the painting, #2 would be exactly where I want to be. Field of flowers, tiny jet-black donkey carriage, woman on horseback at a respectful distance…. it probably smells of hyacinths and sounds of men not speaking.
That sound! It’s like the moment when church bells you’re very close to stop ringing. Mmm.
The risk with Charles is he might at some point figure out how to step six inches to the left. It doesn’t appear that imminent, but still.
lol I’m pretty sure that’s a wheelchair.
Why dont I get a miniature donkey-drawn wheelchair? Mine is a boring one from the NHS.
“I’m sorry, Pierre, but you know I can’t hear you when I’m sitting down”
Same.
Have realized that the excuses I can make so that I don’t have to leave my house is the best part of having a dog.
I’m so bewildered by people who take their dogs to bars. Every moment I am in a bar, I wish I were home with my dog, not to inflict the setting of the bar on my innocent dog, who can’t even get drunk.
If there was a place within walking distance that I could stop while I was walking my dog, I would definitely take it there (bar, outdoor cafe, whatever). As a none-dog-haver right now, I love petting the dogs at my local places.
HOWEVER, I do agree that once it’s dark or if it’s crowded or your dog doesn’t do well with other dogs/strangers, keep one or both of you at home. It’s so sad when you can tell the dogs are having none of it.
I’ve seen dog owners outsource attention by bringing their dog to a bar. A stranger I’d just met at a beer garden once handed me her Boston terrier for half an hour while she went on a bathroom/beer/socializing break and it was clearly a routine both she and the dog enjoyed a lot.
My dog would love a non-loud bar. So many people to sniff and bother! Drunk people love kisses! Maybe someone will drop a taco!
Before I had my own dog, I met a great Dane puppy at a bar, and her owner was let me pet her only after I made her sit. It was tops.
!! This winter I met a baby golden retriever out on its VERY FIRST LEASH WALK, and because it was going to be trained as a seeing eye dog it can’t play when it’s on the job, and the owner asked me to hold off on petting it until we ran through some simple commands with it, AND THEN I GOT TO PET THE FLUFFY WIGGLY GOLDEN CLOUD AS MUCH AS I WANTED !!
I also recently met a puppy who needed training reinforcement! I had to ask her to sit, and then when she did, I could skritchle her ears to my heart’s content.
“So many people to sniff and bother! Drunk people love kisses! Maybe someone will drop a taco! ”
This is drunk me, and therefore your dog sounds amazing.
I used to take my dog to work when I had to work late Fridays, because she loved the attention from the club kids who tended to be outside my building when I was locking up and I loved the “no, I am not walking to my car alone but rather with this very large dog.”
One of the very nice mom-type-ladies at the dog park always worries about me walking back home alone in the dark. I said “Walking alone, with my rottie!”
Every now & then I wished I lived in a place where people brought dogs to bars.
Then I remember how badly my dog behaves at picnics and patios. Nope.
My friends ring their dog (half husky, quarter saluki, quarter dachshund) to the pub with them, and he loved it. He will shamelessly flirt with half the pub.
I recently drove over a thousand miles to get out of a place because dog problems. Never underestimate the power of dog problems.
I’M TOO WITCHES TO COME.
“Oh, no… My THING is happening. I can’t come over/go out.” Has a particular connotation for me. All of my non-uterus having friends and such just know now, not to ask for details. My thing. It is happening. And I can’t.
Totally. A friend of ours now just says “It’s the time.” What time? LADY TIME.
I also thought this was going to be a post about using mysterious feminine ailments to get out of situations containing men.
My bathroom is the shared/ guest bathroom in our apartment. I’m experimenting with passive-aggressive home decor to make it unwelcoming to men. There’s a bouquet of tampons in a little basket on the counter and a bunch of tiny soaps wrapped in paper. I’m thinking about adding some ancient dusty potpourri or a framed picture of Jeff Goldblum in his Jurassic Park pose or a book of Cathy comics. Basically a room that says, “wow, I’m just super emotional today.”
After splitting with my long long long term ex, I wanted to embrace the opportunity to explore my queer side, and that feeling may have been at its peak when I was setting up my new apartment. This is probably why my bedroom features:
– prints of lesbian pulp erotica covers;
– a Rosie the Riveter poster;
– a collection of pin up coasters turned into wall art;
– a Kate Beaton ‘Mile High Club’ poster (Fighter Pilots! Feminists! Friends!); and
– two prints of Hilda the Plus Size Pin Up labelled ‘summer goals’.
I like to call it my Bedroom of Male Tears.
(I just want to make sure any stray lanky soccer girls with alternative lifestyle haircuts that may wander in there feel at home! And if I find a gentleman caller who can be comfortable in that room, I guess he can stay too.)
I love Tissot for the way he painted fancy dresses with cool bustles, but man. Dude must’ve been hell of boring, because every single woman in every single one of his paintings is Mallory-fodder, big time.
Yeah, I was hardcore admiring some of those outfits.
American Duchess made a Tissot dress a few years back – it turned out amazing, as you’d expect.
They never look happy in his paintings! He probably had to coerce them into posing.
“I’m witches, I’m too witches to come, sorry”
Perfect. Using this forever.
Finally made an IntenseDebate account just to say:
I’m too witches to comment.
Perfect name for the situation.
“We tried not to smile, for smiling only encourages men to bore you and waste your time.”
-Sheila Heti
In all fairness, really, I’m only too witches to attend things or go places or have things expected of me are on days that end in ‘y’ or days that fall in years described numerically.
I anticipate that the year known as That Year the Sky Was the Most Complementary It Has Ever Been to the Sudden Abundance of Hyacinths Everywhere will be one in which how witches I am is exactly the right amount for maximum availability and freedom of movement.
*jumps excitedly up and down*
I GET THE PYRAMUS AND THSBE REFERENCE! BECAUSE THE WALL! I GET IT!
…yup. deffo made that classical liberal arts education worth it. *finger-guns*
What is that horse and how do I get it to agree to be my primary mode of transportation everywhere?
That horse is what the tiny donkey up in #2 is daydreaming about being, instead of an armrest for Mr Boring. “I can’t, I’m too FIREBREATHING HORSE to come.”
Shh. I’m not here.
–Millicent, I can see you through the window.
Nooo. No Millicent in this room, sorry. There’s just a pile of talking cushions on this chaise.
“Dog problems” is the best excuse to getting out of anything. 100% hermit approved.
I might change my voicemail message.
Is that horse vomiting?!
Frothing fire. So kind of.
What the hell is going on with that horse
Also she looks strikingly like my partner's ex, which is amusing me. I can't see her standing for much bullshit either.
Why dont I get a miniature donkey-drawn wheelchair? Mine is a boring one from the NHS.
My friends ring their dog (half husky, quarter saluki, quarter dachshund) to the pub with them, and he loved it. He will shamelessly flirt with half the pub.
Oh strength of will, let me jump off this boat; and swim home to my dog.
Dear Mallory,
I have only just stumbled across your many genius captions. I doff my chapeau. I say Huzzah.
Yours, ever, Bunny