Things I Believe To Be True About Men Named Jonathan

by Mallory Ortberg · March 17, 2016
  • You are a fool if you believe there is more than one man named Jonathan. There is one Jonathan living at the earth’s core, with many appendages.
  • Jason Schwartzman is not named Jonathan, but he is a Jonathan; you know this to be true
  • No one named Jonathan has ever died; each individual Jonathan, at the end of its particular experience, is repurposed by the remaining Jonathans. The number of Jonathans in the world at any given time never varies by more than five.
  • No man named Jonathan can hold a nickel in his hand. It always rolls away. This is the test of a true Jonathan.
  • There is one raven for every Jonathan on this earth.
  • All Jonathans have taken no fewer than four and no more than eleven karate classes
  • If every Jonathan were a spoke in a great wheel, the hub would be a sad old pigeon that cannot die, but wishes that it could
  • The pigeon’s name is not Jonathan
  • The pigeon forgot its name years ago
  • The pigeon has no use for your pity; the pigeon has no use for anything that does not serve the greater purpose of the Wheel
  • You will be crushed by the Jonathan Wheel
  • The Jonathans have no intention and the Wheel serves no purpose
  • The Wheel is ceaseless and the Jonathans are without end
  • Everything that was once not-Wheel will be incorporated into the Wheel after it has been destroyed
  • You will embrace your own destruction before your destruction embraces you
  • All now is The Wheel

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

139 Comments

  1. Yarnybarny +317

    I would send this to my friend, Jonathan, but he would not get it and that is the most Jonathan thing.

    2. bananakarenina +44

      I was logging in to say the exact same thing about my brother, named Jonathan, obviously.

      The Jonathan Effect is real.

      1. wakatopatopa +68

        What happens to the mother of a Jonathan? This is not something that is covered in pregnancy books. Is there a spell I can do to keep from conceiving a Jonathan? Or does The Jonathan reach its long fingers into your womb and stir?

        2. bananakarenina +67

          I’m not sure I could tell you. My mother actually fought fiercely for him to be a Jonathan.

          “He will not be a Robert. There are too many Roberts in this family,” she said.

          Maybe she knows something the rest of us don’t. What would too many Roberts bring? Best not to even come close, lest the prophecy come true.

          1. leslieellenjones +18

            A friend and I once came to the conclusion that every family has a Crazy Uncle Bob (unfortunately, in my family, it was my father), so she may have been trying to save your as-yet-unborn-or-thought-of offspring from Crazy Uncle Bobness?

          3. fromthelandwithlove +17

            As someone with a Crazy Uncle Bob, sometimes they are delightful though. Mine’s manifested in building a room in his home just for a bigger Christmas tree and a model train display so big that the local news comes to cover it.

          4. bananakarenina +9

            Haha we don’t have a crazy uncle Bob, but we do have a smug, racist uncle Bob. Does that count?

          7. Bob +14

            As an Uncle Bob, I can attest to all these things. We are the only ones keeping the Jonathans in check. For every Jonathan born, a Bob emerges from the World of Light. It is a lonely task, that often leads to madness.

    3. quietuptown +113

      I created an account just to say that I know three Jonathi and this is equally true of all of them.

        1. quietuptown +30

          Thank you! Long time first time etc.
          I did think about my username for an unnecessary amount of time so I appreciate that.

    4. Katiezog +12

      I have an acquaintance named Jonathan that I want to send this to but I think he would just think I was weird.

      1. RabbitIsland +16

        Same and I’m just doing it anyway because it’s so fucking strange that I can’t not.

    6. Fart Barfunkle +7

      I was about to send it to my jonathan cousin but realized he is the most jonathan of all the jonathans

    7. lesliejroot +7

      I have a very sweet friend whose husband is named Jonathan… but I think he’s actually a Brad.

  2. Lizzie_Sidds +162

    The Prime Jonathan, the First of His Name, had a really, really close older friend named David. All Jonathans are descended, spiritually, from this Friendship.

    1. OoTheHumanities +33

      I love Jonathan and David. It was my first thought upon reading this list: where is that Jonathan? Certainly the ur-Jonathan and the best homosocial bond after Gilgamesh and Enkidu.

      1. fromthelandwithlove +5

        Except that David was kind of a massive dick to Jonathan. And also, technically, that Jonathan’s name was really Yonatan, which isn’t exactly the same thing.

        1. OoTheHumanities +7

          OK, I am usually pretty much on board with pedantry but this isn’t changing my mind anytime soon. David was a dick to a few other people too. I still like the idea of their friendship.

          1. maryoftheassumptions +15

            Perhaps this is the time to mention a corollary I’ve experienced, in which there are substantial problems with the name Dave. A David can turn out to be okay, but a Dave never, ever does.

          2. fromthelandwithlove +1

            It’s okay! Mostly I just really really hate David as a person. Jonathan deserved WAAAAAAY better.

    2. bananakarenina +19

      My brother is literally named after this story in the Bible. My mother unwittingly carried on the Jonathan legacy!

    3. Ann?sure,whynot +35

      My Ur-Horrific Boyfriend was a David. He was good friends with my brother. Who is a Jonathan. SO MUCH MAKES SENSE NOW.

    4. janeshakes +43

      My boyfriend is a David and I am constantly on the look out for us to make a friend called Jonathan. I have SO MANY jokes locked and loaded here.

  3. cosetthetable +79

    “You are a fool if you believe there is more than one man named Jonathan. ”

    “There is one raven for every Jonathan on this earth.”

    …… so there is one raven on the earth?

    2. v_d_budenmayer +100

      There is one man named Jonathan, but he takes the FORM of many men. Each with a corresponding raven. I am sure of this.

      1. cosetthetable +77

        You are a true Priestess of The Toast (Priestoast? Priestoastess?), able to take the holy word and explain its significance in our lives.

    3. celtadri +35

      Just because Jonathans are circumscribed by ravens doesn’t mean ravens are circumscribed by Jonathans.

  6. tabbylavalamp +90

    Jonathans who go by Jon have a mocking contempt for Johns with an H. Jonathans who go by Jonathan roll their eyes at Jons at the meetings.

    1. Siiri +17

      Oh my god this made me wonder… is it Jonathan Hamm ??? Now that I think of it, he looks neither like a Jon nor a Jonathan.

  7. irreverantontheinternet +85

    My uncle is always asked if he is a Johnathan, but he is merely a John, which more people would realize if they paid attention to the fact that my uncle cannot hold dimes but has no problem with nickles.

  8. fridog +143

    Jason Schwartzman is not named Jonathan, but he is a Jonathan; you know this to be true

    You know, something about this sentence, upon reading it, gave my innermost core a sense of peace that I have never felt. This might be the greatest truth.

    1. Anagram +51

      I initially read Jason Schwartzman as Jason Bateman and I had the same sense of relief. Perhaps all Jasons are truly Jonathans.

      1. Ethylbenzene +22

        Oh man wait yeah that makes total sense. I need a nap now for I am so at peace.

    2. TheRenleigh +17

      Yesterday I saw the Amazon commercial with Jason Schwartzman in it for the dozenth time, but it was the first time that I realized he wasn’t Luke Wilson. Is Luke Wilson a secret Jonathan as well?

  9. diaryofamadeditor +135

    There is a subset of Jonathans who live in and write about “Brooklyn,” known colloquy as The Brooklyn Jonathans. But truly, we know that this refers to the Jonathan’s “Brooklyn” not Brooklyn’s Jonathans. See: Franzen, Safran Foer, Ames, Lethem. In “Brooklyn” it is plausible to leave your wife for Natalie Portman without Portman’s consent. In Brooklyn, this is bananas.

    1. jianrc +16

      The “Brooklyn” phenomenon was deftly chronicled by Adelle Waldman, but such is the reach and might of the Jonathan Wheel that she could not invoke the name directly. In an act of fairy tale cleverness, she summoned [–]Nathan(iel), or Nate, into the world using a kernel of the original. Even the foremost of the Brooklyn Jonathans (Franzen, He Who Throws Change) had to gnash his teeth and acknowledge that it was “a more deeply clever book than you might think as you first start reading it.” This is all sensible, as it is prophesied that an Adelle will lead us in the breaking of the Jonathan Wheel.

    2. Borednow +8

      But, but, I like Jonathan Ames. He is blessed with a self awareness that other Jonathans lack.

  10. stirringsofconsciousness +39

    My husband is named Jonathan. I could test this nickel thing, but I’m afraid of what it may reveal.

  11. corvinafish +75

    This 100% applies and holds true for Prince Jonathan from the Tamora Pierce Lioness Quartet.

  12. Loren_Ipsum_ +70

    A comment above mentioned the biblical relationship between Jonathan and David, which despite years of Sunday School I had to Google, and this quote popped up on the Wikipedia page:

    “Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself. Saul took him that day and did not let him return to his father’s house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, with his armor, including his sword and his bow and his belt. So David went out wherever Saul sent him, and prospered; and Saul set him over the men of war. (NASB)”

    Given all of that eyebrow-raising text, I 100% read that last acronym as NSFW.

  16. askelade +64

    Guys my brother (who is the best brother) is named Jonathan and when he was in elementary school his best friend was also named Jonathan, and when he was in middle school his best friend was a DIFFERENT JONATHAN. At birthday parties and whatnot I always felt like my mom, all the moms, looked as exhausted as that Dr Suess story about the woman who “had twenty-three sons, and she named them all Dave.”

    1. OoTheHumanities +30

      Aaaaand, I am once again reminded of George Foreman, who named ALL FIVE of his sons George. So many, too many, buckets too many Georges!

      (the wikdia elaborates that they are George Jr., George III (“Monk”), George IV (“Big Wheel”), George V (“Red”), and George VI (“Little Joey”). At least he didn’t name all of his daughters Georgia or Georgina? There is one Georgetta, unfortunately.

      Male celebrities should not be able to name their children is what I’m saying, apparently.

      1. tabbylavalamp +22

        I’ve got to be fair to male celebrities and say celebrities period should not be able to name their children, and while I don’t know Apple Martin I’m sure she’d agree.

        1. askelade +19

          I actually went to college with a woman named Apple who was born in the late 1970s, and it really suited her and was a great name for her! So I’ve never really been able to get on the anti-Apple bandwagon, which is an exception to my usually anti-Gwyneth platform.

      2. askelade +27

        Man, I hope Big Wheel is the best one, because he got the best name. 

        “Who’s that?”
        “Oh, that’s just my cousin, Big Wheel.”

    2. mialro12 +4

      My brother has had several other Jonathans in his class as well. He went mainly by his last name throughout school.

    3. GearyGirl77 +10

      My brother is also named Jonathan (and he’s also the best brother.) Your exhausted mom would get along well with mine, who once remarked that every mom calling to her son in a public place is yelling the name Jonathan.

  18. crawlkill +16

    one Jonathan at the center of the Earth with many appendages. if anyone hasn’t read SCP-1193, they should google it immediately. it’s a near-Mallory level piece of nightmare short fiction.

    1. octopoda +2

      Love the SCPs. I came across them around the same time as discovering the Calgary Keys site, so a wonderful set of weird horror reading.

    2. fromthelandwithlove +2

      The SCPs are so wonderful. There was one recently about the White Sun that is magnificently creepy.

  20. perianwen +48

    ‘Jonathan’ looks completely nonsensical to me after this many uses of it on the page.

      1. OoTheHumanities +11

        AthenaJon, that last bit there, you stumbled on something there. Not sure what, just that Athena is involved and it is therefore better than plain-old NathanJon.

  21. theshehulkchef +38

    All I can think about now is the Buffy episode “Superstar,” in which Jonathan is an omnipotent god celebrity superhero and also everywhere at once.

    1. Es_Petal +16

      I had wanted to post a pic from that but then the umbrella one got me and I was powerless to resist.

      1. theshehulkchef +10

        Two other people commenting about Buffy and my not seeing it before posting my comment = what I get got opening a bunch of tabs and then not reading them until later.

  22. kelly +14

    Jason Schwartzmann portrayed professional Brooklynite Jonathan Ames on Bored to Death so your assessment is *powerfully* correct, Mallory

  24. bighairnoheart +40

    There is one raven for every Jonathan on this earth

    This is true in Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell definitely.

    1. Scared_Vagina +12

      Jonathan Strange isn’t A Jonathan though. Surely.

      *small voice* He can’t be.

  25. lilyreads +40

    “. . . the Jonathans are without end.”

    As one who was homeschooled for twelve years, I can attest to the veracity of this. It is an unspoken rule among homeschooling families to name at least one son Jonathan. I mean, look at my parents. They only have one son and his name is, in fact, Jonathan. This alone gained us acceptance into the close-knit Midwestern homeschooling community.

    If, however, you attend a private Christian school, your boy name of choice is Joshua.

    3. Phoenix +7

      In my hippie homeschooler world the constants were Chris and Ian. One family had both (their father was a Jonathan). It was also assured that once a family committed to homeschooling they would have only sons.

  27. LightlyUsedJonathan +8

    My Jonathan has been telling me this stuff for YEARS and I didn’t believe him. I am suitably chastened.

  29. emdash +4

    I have been willing for a Mallory/Jon Bois collaboration for so long that I feel like, The Secret-style, it is slowly beginning to manifest itself in the universe.

  30. alula_auburn +5

    Now I have that Alanis song playing in my head.

    Dear Jonathan, I liked you too much
    I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me
    And think solely about themselves
    And you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time
    I used to say the more tragic the better
    The truth is, whenever I think of the early 90’s
    Your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday

  31. leslieellenjones +45

    “You are a fool if you believe there is more than one man named Jonathan. There is one Jonathan living at the earth’s core, with many appendages.”

    Thank you for flashing me back to the Worst Acid Trip Ever, in which I became convinced that the fact that something like 20% of the men enrolled at my college that year were named David, one of whom was my boyfriend, meant that there was no one single Dave, but rather a Universal Daveness, of which all of these Daves were pale reflections. Which meant that my boyfriend didn’t really exist. (Reason #1 not to teach Plato’s Cave to impressionable teenagers apt to experiment with hallucinogens.) (Also, Reason #1 to pay attention to your acid dreams, which can prove to be more insightful than you are.)

    The next year, the balance of name power shifted to an onslaught of Jonathans, but fortunately, I never dated one.

    1. terb +22

      I am way more convinced of the possibility of Universal Daveness than the Jonathan Wheel.

      Though given the biblical connection maybe they both exist, and are intertwined, immutable, eternal, the facets of the world passing through and between them, subtly altering the course of history.

    2. FortyTwo +2

      My favorite webcomic of all time, Narbonic by Shaenon Garrity (who drew my avatar pic), featured a villainous cabal called the Dave Conspiracy (spoilers in the link).

      1. bottleredhead +18

        I married a Steve. Divorced him, had a seven-year on-and-off relationship (and a baby) with another Steve. During an off period, had a brief fling with a mutual friend of ours, also named Steve. Eventually, I numbered them so that my friends could keep track. My kid (her dad is Two) still calls the third one “Uncle Three.”

          1. startmyheart +3

            This is something of a non-sequitur, but… my friend has a sibling who was born Matt but is becoming Emily. I wonder if it’s a common name change?

  32. Endartectomy +12

    Fiona Apple on her song Jonathan: “I did that because Jonathan likes his name to be spoken.”

  33. mialro12 +5

    Important question: my brother’s name is Jonatan (Spanish version of Jonathan without the H) but everybody pronounces it like Jonathan when speaking in English (they also almost always spell it with the H too). Does this apply to him?

  34. GearyGirl77 +4

    My brother’s name is Jonathan. Perhaps he is not a true Jonathan – I shall have to use the nickel test.

  35. fenixdawn +10

    Technically my husband is a Jonathan but he has always gone by his middle name and therefore I am genuinely surprised when mail for Jonathan keeps showing up at our house.

  36. ScarlettHairdye +28

    Irish Johnathans do not exist. They are all named Johnny, and they are all dead, and we are all singing about our poor dead friend Johnny forever. There is no escape from this cycle.

  38. l'inconnue +5

    do… do i need to bring up jojo’s bizarre adventure? i feel like i need to, even though i have never read it

  40. goonerkate +8

    I got an ad for a novel by Jonathan Lee on this page. Only fitting, I suppose. The Jonathans are without end.

  41. Flewellyn +6

    “Jonathan Wheel” is the name of my Modest Mouse tribute band. And all of its members are Jonathans.

  42. vixlovesbooks +2

    I work with someone named Jonathan and he is literally the most annoying human being I have ever met in my hot damn life.

  43. vixinlove

    I work with someone named Jonathan and he is literally the most annoying human being I have ever met in my hot damn life.

  44. Cat from MA

    Just FYI, the actor who plays the high-flying “The Most Interesting Man in the World” in the Dos Equis beer commercial is named Jonathan Goldsmith.

  45. Joan

    Having just binged the latest episodes of The Night Manger, this was highly entertaining to read.

  46. Pietra.

    Jonathans go by Jono in Australia unless they are super Jonathans by which I mean… the worst. But Jonos are still Jonathans and therefore… well. You know.

  47. Jonathon +2

    I am named Jonathon and I cannot confirm the veracity of these claims except to say that this webpage has become part of The Wheel. All inquiries should be directed to [email protected]. They will go unanswered.