Come See Me In Australia

by Mallory Ortberg · March 1, 2016

Now – even now – I am clutching my armrest in panic on a flight to Sydney (what was that sound, it was probably just the landing gear retracting back into the undercarriage of the plane but what if it was death whispering my name with its metal tongue), and when/if I arrive safely in Australia, please consider coming to see me this week, if you happen to be in Australia.

Okay so FIRST on March 6th I’m doing a talk called THE HAPPY FEMINIST (you have to be happy now if you’re a feminist 100% of the time, heads up, new rule) at 4:30pm at the Opera House, get some tickets here, also earlier that day at 1pm I am on a panel about changing things, hopefully I will say some good stuff.

I’ve never been here! I bet I will have a good time! I hope you also have a good time.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

67 Comments

  1. Xolandra +31

    Dearest Mallory, I truly hope that Oz does not kill you. It has way better odds than the flight. ♥

  3. tabbylavalamp +80

    I remember seeing some old documentary about an Australian who went to the United States, and apparently it’s very important to know what is or isn’t a knife, even if the non-knife has knife-like properties.

  4. flying_ghoti +49

    This is not Australia-related, but I dearly hope that someone here at the Toast is in talks with manufacturers to actually create a toaster that leaves a Mallory face burned into each slice. Consider this my pre-order. In fact, I’ll take one for the office and one for home. And a dozen more for presents.

      1. flying_ghoti +22

        I’m super happy to learn that there is a “Vermont Novelty Toaster Corporation”, but, I mean, I suspect it might, theoretically, count as “just a wee bit creepy” if I got a custom-made toaster that printed someone else’s face on my toast without her permission.

  5. alliana07 +10

    I hope you brought lots of books for the flight! I went to Australia as a kid, and the flight from CT -> PA -> CA (Los Angeles) -> Sydney was like almost 24 hours counting all the delays between flights and stuff. Also very disconcerting because you know, not only were you on a plane for like 18+ hours, when you get there, there’s also a 14 hour time difference.

  6. ramina +34

    If you are so inclined, please eat a Golden Gaytime for me, because it is the most delicious ice cream bar I have had in quite some time and I miss Australia snacks.

    ps hey, USA, you know how you got those All Dressed chips from Canada? Can we do that but with Honey Soy Chicken from Australia?

  8. Hoolia +7

    I wish I were there! I love Australia! Alas, I will not be there until December. Ride the cute tiny ferries everywhere!

    The one cool thing about coming back from Australia (across the international date line), which only very slightly offsets the disappointment of not being in Australia anymore, is that you get to live the same day twice. A do-over!

  11. lynx137 +17

    I hope you have enough time to go visit the fairy penguins! “Also known as little penguins, these much-loved creatures are the smallest of penguin species and the island’s star attractions due to their nightly ‘parade,’ during which they waddle up from the ocean to spend the night in their sand burrows.”

    Read more about Phillip Island Little Penguins Parade Evening Tour – Melbourne | Viator at: http://www.viator.com/tours/Melbourne/Phillip-Isl… http://www.viator.com/tours/Melbourne/Phillip-Isl…

  12. Smoomin +5

    Seriously though, I was in Australia last week!

    Any long-necked travellers? Normally my flimsy neck is very sore after plane rides. I tried out this on teh 25 hour flight and even though I looked like I had some sort of injury it worked a treat. http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B005EP4UCA?psc…

    1. Lynn +3

      Ooo thanks for the heads up that such products exist! I have a cross country business trip next week and have stopped even packing my travel pillow because it takes up too much room for how little help it is.

  14. Anna +13

    Welcome Mallory! myself and another Australian toastie librarian are coming to see you!

    Any other Sydney (or Melbourne, I am flying up) toasts coming??

    1. kayloulee +4

      Yes! I’m volunteering at Mardi Gras the night before, so I will be very tired, but I will be there!

    3. child_hands +5

      No more tickets for her one-hour talk, I’m devo

      I’m going to the Piper Kerman meet and greet earlier though! and I’m about to buy a ticket for the panel

      1. foreignlauren +2

        There are tickets available again now! Limited availability, but they absolutely exist.

    5. katylah +3

      i’ll be there! i’m so excited and also i just remembered that mardi gras is also this weekend and also uni goes back the monday after so i’m gonna be exhausted but i’m excited!!!!

    6. AdaBeard +3

      I shall also be there! I have not stopped bouncing with excitement since I bought my ticket 😀

    7. saffiedarling +8

      I am in Canberra and taking the train up! I’m also going to the Sleater-Kinney concert and saving all the ‘how to tell if someone is flirting with you’ tips in case I get the opportunity to put my mouth on the kind of girl who goes to an All About Women Festival followed by a Sleater-Kinney concert.

    8. FloozieQ +3

      Oh hi! The 6th of March is marked in my calendar as ‘TODAY IS MALLORY ORTBERG DAY!!!’

  15. rachelthistle +12

    Enjoy! All the beaches are stupidly gorgeous, but Australians for some reason think they are just ok and normal. Also, if you ever feel intimidated by how blasé everyone is about sharks, just tell them about bears.

    1. katylah +8

      mallory i will personally take the day off work to drive you outside of sydney to visit the ACTUAL good beaches on the south coast

      (this isn’t true i can’t possibly get out of work but hey take a train down to kiama if you feel like it! it’s gorgeous!)

      1. snani +7

        I will co-sign the goodness of Kiama beaches, but also point out that Jervis Bay in general has, no-fooling, some of the best beaches in the world.

        I mean, there’s nuthin’ else going on, but I do miss the beaches.

    2. walrathem +5

      They think bears are scary? Huhn, I guess we don’t show the videos of them looking cute as much as the ones where they growl and stuff.

      1. rachelthistle +6

        It is a country without big land mammals. The way I figure it, they are used to dangerous creatures they can get away from. Spiders? Step away. Snakes? Step away. Sharks? Get out of the water. And then here we are with bears that climb, run, swim and are ENORMOUS. But yeah, still funny.

        1. walrathem +5

          I guess… I mean I’m terrified of North American moose and we don’t even have them in my state.

          1. Xolandra +5

            This is reasonable. Moose are terrifying. You can’t even take the bastards out with a car, you just hit their legs and woooosh, through the windshield, decapitating you in the process.

            Not that i have thought about this a lot nopenope.

          2. walrathem +3

            I admit I always thought they trampled people when I first heard that they killed peopl but yes they are tough buggers.

          3. Xolandra +3

            Yes, that too. It is just that i, personally, am more likely to encounter them on the highway than in the wild.

      2. saffiedarling +9

        I am terrified of bears! I can’t believe how blase Americans are about GIANT FURRY TEETH CLAW EAT YOU monsters that can SHOW UP IN THEIR YARDS. Haven’t you seen The Revanent? (I have not seen The Revanent, but I also used to have to be taken out of the room whenever they sang the ‘going on a bear hunt’ song in primary school so I assume it is an appropriately terrifying documentary.)

        And I’m from the town where they filmed the live action shark footage for Jaws. When I was in high school, a guy from the year ahead of me was eaten by a shark while surfing. But you know why I’m okay with that? BECAUSE SHARKS CAN’T WALK.

        1. walrathem +8

          Well sure of course there are people who are going to be utterly terrified of bears but fine with sharks or okay with bears but terrified of horses, I just find it an interesting thing to have as a national characteristic. Hippos kill more people every year than bears and I don’t think Australians react that way about hippos, or elephants who are super dangerous.

          The Internet is telling me that bears and sharks and tigers kill roughly the same amount of people per year. I want to mention that for both sharks and bears, all of that killing is done by very specific species within a larger genus. I, personally, am not exactly blasé about bears. They’re wild animals! Big ones! I don’t want a close encounter thank you! But I don’t avoid places where there are bears because of them. No I avoid those places because Grizzlies and polar bears live in places that are cold. Or if not cold full of clouds of the deadliest animal of all, mosquitoes.

  17. FrankieGrimm +5

    I am sad because that’s the country where I usually live but don’t right now 🙁 whyyyyyyyy

  18. clairebm +18

    Hmph, why does everyone always go to Sydney?? Stupid Sydney showing off with its flashy opera house and harbour *grumble*

    Well, we Adelaidians will keep all the good wine and festival and fringe all to ourselves, so there!

    (I may or may not be a wee bit jealous of Sydney but only this once!)

    1. Kirinleaf +3

      *hugs wine, Festival and Fringe to self in attempt at consolation*

      Why is Mallory not here for Writer’s Week??? *raises fist to heavens, weeps*

    2. pseudovex +7

      Toast-friend, as a Far North Queensland (and previously Darwin) dweller, I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

      Let us huddle over our delicious wine (you) and perfect tropical weather (me, though i’d be glad to share some lately, it has been BULLSHIT HOT) and mutter grimly about stupid attractive Sydney.

      1. clairebm +4

        I will send you some wine if you keep all that tropicalness to yourself up there, it’s so humid and hot here today and I hate it, ugh Adelaide is supposed to be Mediterranean, dammit!

  21. orz +3

    yesssssss. Anticipating this keenly. It is Mardi Gras season in Sydney, so you are 100% guaranteed to have A Good Time!

  22. saffiedarling +6

    I found out about this event last Friday after I read your interview with Clementine Ford and booked tickets as soon as I stopped laughing at “Look, I don’t know that I’m necessarily more important to Nicole than her husband.”

  23. LTL +6

    So excited to be going! I have been entertaining fantasies of meeting Mallory and becoming her new best friend for months. Will it be all Toast devotees or do we need a secret sign? (I say ‘we’ despite being a mere lurker for the longest time, my love for The Toast is not less, I’m just shy)

  24. evah42 +5

    Aw, I misread your talk as The Harpy Feminist, which made me a happy feminist. I mean, your real title is good too though…

  25. EmpressofBland +3

    Shut up Mallory, it’s too late this has sold out and I only found out about it the other day, you’re just taunting us.

  26. Apollonia

    Honestly, Australians don't even worry about this stuff. I'd have no idea what to do if a snake bit me. Mostly because some of the venomous snakes here are so venomous you don't have time to do anything, so why worry about it?

  27. stephiecakes +6

    Mallory, have you received an appropriate list of foods that you need to eat whilst you’re in Australia? It is very important.

  28. Stephanie

    Mallory, have you received an appropriate list of foods that you need to eat whilst you're in Australia? It is very important.

  29. alix +3

    Safe travels! If you happen to drop through Melbourne (just a casual 870ks) please make it public, I’d love to see you talk. Enjoy Sydney!