Murphy the red-and-white dog was very brave and rode in the back seat of the car. He did not enter the cave.
ok California WE GET IT
trees what have got flowers on ’em
LOOK AT IT, LET US DESCEND INTO THE EARTH-HEART OF SECRETS
yes I have seen The Descent
THIS CAVE WAS FULL OF OLD TIME AND ROCK-WALKING
THE HEARTBEAT OF THE EARTH IS COOL AND SLOW AND FOR A WHILE I LIVED INSIDE IT
The thing at the bottom is a CAVE LAKE! That was water!!
LOOK AT ALL THAT STUFF, I FORGET WHAT IT’S CALLED, HELACTITE?
AHHHHHHHH
HOW DID THEY GET THE STAIRS DOWN THERE??
plus my eyeliner looked cute
BIG OLD ROCKSLUMP HIDDEN UNDER YOUR FEET. WHERE IS IT GOING?
this is where I live now, please send all comments and questions to “MALLORY IN THE CAVE”
Man, I want to go to a cave/lets be real just live in a cave where I can feel the endless breeze and be embraced by the darkness.
YEP. I love caves. LOVE THEM. I have a Tumblr collection of caves coming up and am happy that I’ll be able to include a link to this Toast article in it!
Caves fantastic.
I haven’t been to a cave in too long and that needs to change immediately. Caves with bats preferred.
SAME. I absolutely love caves and being underground and plus I’m a geologist so the science and the rock formations are endlessly fascinating and it’s the BEST.
When I saw Carlsbad Caverns it was so warm outside, and underneath that climate was such a treasure.
I just got a really strong sense memory of that damp, sandy smell caves have, and I want to go to there so bad.
What’s this from? She looks so happy! Need to see that full interview.
The only cave I’ve been in is the Ape Caves, which are a lava tube near Mt. St. Helens, and because it’s a lava tube (and not eroded limestone) it doesn’t have any stalactites and stuff. It’s still pretty great though.
I’ve been there! I only live about an hour away from it!
The first time I went someone drove us, and I hiked the longer side.
The second time, we biked up from the nearest reservoir campground, and we did….part of the shorter side. Phew that’s a long climb by bicycle.
I also remember that the parking lot had dozens of chipmunks.
I love the Ape Caves! Currently waiting for my tiny cousins to get old enough for the whole family to go down there without it being a disaster of small child proportions.
There’s a place in England called Wookey Hole Caves…
Ugh Wookey Hole is the worst, also Cheddar Gorge is the worst. They have taken these beautiful caves that have huge historical importance and filled them with shitty tat for tourists and ‘spooky’ music and light displays and make you pay a 20 quid entrance fee. Gods it makes me so mad.
Also there was this terrifying animatronic fortune teller outside Wookey Hole in the 90s and I was 7 and it gave me nightmares
one time i made out with a dude in a cave. solid date, would recommend.
Hey me too. It was a collapsed sinkhole, really, and it was high school, and it was one of my more dirtbaggy moments for sure.
Nice cave, but CUTE EYELINER!
Mallory you can’t live in a cave does it even have wifi??
BEST POST ON THE HYPHEN TOAST DOT NET
I haven’t been to a good cave in forever (Luray Caverns, what up) but I would lose geologist cred if I didn’t mention the awesome cave in Mexico with the giant gypsum crystals:
(people for scale)
LET ME GO THERE AND LIVE AMONGST THE CRYSTALS.
make sure you have one of those heat-resistant suits on because unfortunately it is so hot down there that you can only be in it unexposed for about 10 minutes! But still, DAMN is it beautiful.
I love that cave! The people melting is a feature, not a bug.
Worth it.
WHAT THOSE ARE PEOPLE
I thought it was, like, a tiny orange fungus or other growth near the gypsum crystals but no, they’re just THAT BIG
Nature, man.
Yesssssssss
I saw a Nature (or maybe NOVA?) on these caves and it was amazing.
In contrast, I don’t remember my trip to Luray Caverns at all.
OMG THAT IS AMAZING!
In my college geology class, my group and I included this exact picture in our presentation about cool caves. I presented this cave because I was the only one able to pronounce the name. My memory says it was in Nahuatl but Wikipedia/Google has only la cueva de los cristales…
I love caves, but also reading the book Blind Descent, which is about the quest to discover the world’s deepest cave (not to be confused with The Descent), gave me a very healthy fear of them. There are many more ways to die in caves than I would have expected – I knew you could get trapped, but apparently they’re also cool, damp breeding grounds for extremely noxious bacteria, and don’t even get me started on the terror that is cave diving.
But it was a good book! Recommended to all cave fans.
Cave diving is the scariest- I don’t understand why you would do it! I went cave tubing in Belize once and that was quite enough for me.
Ahhhh I listened to that audiobook, and it sounded like the scariest activity in the world. Also I then told my friends and family that if I die somewhere dangerous, just leave my stupid body there and don’t try to retrieve it.
Our Toastleaders are literally making pilgrimages deep inside Earth vaginas (complete with dentata!). It’s a great day for feminism, y’all.
DavidsTea! I feel the need to be a creeper and point out that cup on the floor next to Murphy because I have nothing to add to cave talk. Their Dragon Pearl tea is especially good.
I’ve been drinking a lot of their Raspberry Cream Pie rooibos this week.
OK but I would like more Murph content please… 🙂
Seconded.
He looks like a furry frog in that picture and it is delightful.
Is he one of those dogs with a tongue always out? And his eyes looking slightly different directions? What a precious pupling! Edit: ah, no, that looks like it’s just his lower sidelip. STILL.
Mallory, I fear for you! I fear the cave will take you for its own and you will be lost to us.
If she retreats to the cave, can one of us have the dog Murphy for our own?
The best Disney movie would be if Murphy got a little flashlight helmet and braved the cavern to rescue Mallory.
Where is this cave?
Exactly. I mean, California is big so it’s probably far away from me (I’m practically in Mexico so) but I feel like it still remains a possibility.
I’m guessing maybe Black Diamond Mines in Antioch? Or maybe not, because I Do Not. Do. Mines. Or Caves. The palms of my hands are sweating just typing about them.
Black Chasm Cavern, in the Sierras!
Man, even the name of that cave is bad ass.
Ah, I knew it! The weird little squiggles gave it away. My friends went there last weekend, and I was so bummed that I couldn’t make it 🙁
simmer down, Plato!
(not really, i just cannot resist cave jokes, please continue spelunking, this was great)
I came here with the intent to comment that caves are so cool and we should all live in caves only to learn Mallory had already decided to do this, this should be the latest thing in dumb alternative living choices
incidentally this post reminded me of a middling-oldish game called Arx Fatalis which is one of the most atmospheric “you are underground in a giant cave” experiences around
Until the Tiny Cave movement comes along and ruins it.
I have been, a couple of times, to the Fantastic Caverns outside of Branson, MO and have two important things to share: 1) When I went as a seven year old, the middle-aged Cajun tram driver let me ride up front. 2) This. http://www.bransonplanner.org/fantasticcaverns/oz…
Ahh! I see the signs for Fantastic Caverns every time we drive through Missouri, but we’ve never stopped. Also, that link to the article about women in caving history in Missouri is great and inspiring! (Side note: the article a few pages down about cleaning up polluted caves mentions Horse Cave in Kentucky, which I’ve been to!)
That is soooo cooooool! Underground lakes are the best.
I dragged my dad to Carlsbad Cavern yesterday. And I mean I’mma let you finish, but Carlsbad is the fucking best (Do not tell me about Mammoth, I’ve been to Mammoth, Mammoth aint shit compared to Carlsbad).
Carlsbad is amazing. I went when I was 10 and I loved it.
I am really into Murphy the red-and-white-dog. I am supposed to be writing an article, but, for the past twenty minutes, I have been mucking around on the internet / then looking at Murphy.
Also, caves. There was a New Yorker article about hardcore spelunkers a couple of years ago, maybe, and it was wonderful. The prospect of wandering around UNDERGROUND for days is equally horrifying and amazing.
Such a brave pup! Guarding the car to keep it safe!
This reminds me that I ordered Blind Descent: The Quest to Discover the Deepest Cave on Earth by James Tabor a couple years ago based on a mallory post and never finished it!! Oh nooooo I gotta leave work and pick that back up immediately now
How are the shoggoths?
I used to lead campers on caving trips at summer camp. They were pretty small caves, but it was still amazing. The only time I freaked out was when I was in charge of some very adventurous fourth-graders who decided that it would be cool to shimmy through a hole that I couldn’t fit through. And I wasn’t on the trip where a high-school kid got his hips stuck and an ambulance had to be called to get him out. But other than that, yeah, caves rock!
Caaaaaaaaaaaaaves.
WHO CARES ABOUT “THE DESCENT” DID YOU NEVER READ THAT TED’S CAVING PAGE WEBSITE IN THE OLDEN DAYS OF THE INTERNET THERE’S SOMETHING UNCANNY IN THERE AND IT WILL FOLLOW YOU HOME
Woah, throwback. I should read that again.
Can I become a lady so we can date? Or you become a man? But not at the same time #giftofthemagi
I may have accidentally clicked Report instead of Reply because I am an idiot who just looked at the first two letters of the word?
What I MEANT to do was commend your hashtag and say how much I loved it.
I have often wondered how many people have proposed to Mallory in Toast comments. I haven’t done it myself, but have considered.
I visited a tourist attraction in SE Utah called “Hole in the Rock” with very low expectations and it turned out to be an AMAZING CAVEHOME. y’all should go.
#4 is clearly a shot from The Hobbit. It’s a cave with a front door AND a welcome mat!
Cave wedding, everybody go!
Wedding in Luray Caverns, Nov. 28, 1917
Well of course, Luray Caverns have the famous StalacPipe Organ!
You can still get married there! I didn’t remember that until way too long after my wedding and am still sort of sad about it because so cool! (literally, just cool, controlled temperature and all!) :'(
I really expected this post to end with a note from Nicole about how she’s mounting an expedition into the cave to retrieve Mallory’s body.
Nice AMUN blossoms you got there in Californi-ay, Mallory! So springy and cheerful!
I’m not a cave lover (maybe because I live in cavern central – Shenandoah Valley of Va. – and am really over it). But I love seeing the pure delight on your face, Mallory!
I just have to say that I grew up in the valley and my parents still live there and now I kinda want to go to Grand Caverns/Weyers Cave which is the closest to my parents. I haven’t been since probably middle school, although I have gone several times.
Hi fellow valley native! I spent the first 27 years of my life in Weyers Cave. And my parents still live there.
Nice! Mine are in Waynesboro.
Or you could kinda hate caves because of darkness and mild claustrophobia and having watched The Descent too many times (jk can never watch it too many times) and then read this: http://imgur.com/gallery/ZNSaq and then go into a internet k-hole about people dying in caves and read the worst article ever about a guy who got trapped upside down and died and his body is still in there :-(.
The true horror of the latter event is that it happened in Nutty Putty Cave. Nutty Putty! That’s not a proper cave to die in.
Oh, man, I had forgotten that part. You are correct, that is a horribly undignified name for your tomb. Sounds like something out of Candyland – “Our brother’s body may lie in the Nutty Putty Cave of Gumdrop Mountains, but his soul has hurdled the quagmire of Molasses Swamp, has braved the bats of Licorice Castle, has escaped the grasp of Lord Licorice to arrive in the Candy Castle with our King Kandy of Kings. May he rest in sweets.”
Aiee, I had to go and read it too. Just kill me now and get it over with.
Oh man, I love The Enigma of Amigara Fault. Best geology horror story.
I’m not really claustrophobic in caves. I did kinda have a freakout in an old Russian sub museum when it got really metally-smelling and we couldn’t turn around and go back. I pretty much sprinted through the entire thing.
I went on a one-day expedition into glow-worm caves in New Zealand! It was awesome, complete with rappelling down into the cave, slithering over muddy rocks, and floating on a little river in complete darkness except for the glowy worms on the ceiling. SO COOL.
aaaaaaaaah! the cave is a metaphor but not for what you think it is a metaphor for
(the abyss?)
DAMMIT MALLORY IN THE CAVE
just looking at the photos has my claustrophobia turned up to 11
Ok but the those stalactites look like whale baleen??? *shudders*
To: MALLORY
CAVE-UNDER-THE-STAIRS
LITTLE FLOWERING
SOMEWHERE IN CALIFORNIA
That cave looks like an Age of Myst. Is there a treehouse nearby? We could be neighbors. Let’s be neighbors.
You’re totally not-creepy friend,
STOATCAT
THE ORDINARY LITTLE RED HOUSE
RUSTED-OUT MIDWESTERN BURGH
SOMEWHERE IN INDIANA
“Millions of years ago, these caves were formed by bats looking for a place to poop. Over the millennia, unimaginable volumes of acidic bat feces eroded the rock strata, forming the intricate passages you see before you. The scientific name for bat poop is ‘guano,’ as in, ‘Guano know what you’re stepping in right now?’ Ha ha, but seriously, we’re all inhaling microscopic particles of it with every breath. Effectively, we’re walking through a colossal bat colon. These beautiful crystalline formations are concretions of uric acid left over from generations upon generations of bats producing vast rivers of guano. Remember, ‘stalactites’ have a C because they are on the Ceiling, ‘stalagmites’ have a ‘G’ because they are where all the Guano piles up.”
Hi fellow valley native! I spent the first 27 years of my life in Weyers Cave. And my parents still live there.
Oh man this post is making me miss caves a whole lot. Also, Murphy is indeed the bravest puppy
I went there once and beyond that door as I recall there are more steps with no lighting or railing and it is the pitchest black dark I have ever been.
I went down to the bottom with a torch because I am Indiana Jones.