Men Praying Bitchily In Western Art History

by Mallory Ortberg · April 26, 2016

Previously: Women praying furiously in Western art history.

pray1

hello, “god”
the contents of this prayer I hold in my hand here just might interest you
the real question is
what’s in it for me

 

pray2

our Father
who art in heaven
had better fucking stay up there if he knows what’s good for him

 

pray3

no, no, don’t get up
I’m so used to doing everything by myself
I don’t think I could handle the shock if someone helped me

 

pray4

go ahead and kill me, fuckdicks
good luck scrubbing my ass out of the afterlife
I’ll crawl into heaven and shit up the place

 

pray5

excuse me, do you MIND
I’m trying to PRAY here
no, it’s a PRIVATE prayer
I don’t ONLY JUST pray to YOU, you know
you’re not the only recipient of prayers in the whole world
when I pray to you, you’ll KNOW, trust me

 

pray6

seeing how it’s me that’s holding both keys to heaven
I wouldn’t say you’re in much of a position to bargain with me about anything, old man

 

pray7

I’LL PRAY TO YOU WHEN AND ONLY WHEN YOU’RE READY TO LISTEN TO ME TALK ABOUT MY MANUSCRIPT

 

pray8

YOU COME DOWN HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE
YOU
GOD
I’LL ROCK YOU UP BUT GOOD
YOU COME DOWN HERE ON MY LEVEL AND YOU GOD AT ME AND YOU’LL GET ROCKED AT WITH BOTH HANDS

 

pray9

what’s going on up there
i don’t like any of this
you stay up there
all of you
you put a shirt on and leave my forearms alone
you mind your own business up in Heaven and leave my forearms to me

 

pray10

are you there, God?
it’s me,
your worst
fucking
nightmare

[Images via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


93 Comments

    1. thebeagee +37

      “Okay, GEEZ, I saved this lamb or whatever! God, do I have to do everything around here?”

    2. daughterofpistol +30

      That last picture just overtook gifs of smashing overripe fruit in the canon of things I find confusingly arousing. Not top five yet. But it gets extra points because I think the focal point is the lamb??

      1. adoptraya +4

        Do you….have any overripe smashed fruit GIFs to share?

        I would like to see if my loins are similarly confused, or if they’re just flat-out aroused.

  3. letsbefrank +53

    “Oh, now you want me to kill the lamb? First my son, now my lamb. You’d be lucky to receive any sacrifice at the rate you’re going, mister”

    1. VioletandIrises +37

      Artist: Hey, try to look natural.

      Lamb: Oh yeah, ’cause this whole scene’s really freakin’ natural, huh?

    2. j_bird +28

      Lamb-boy’s skin is so glowy and his expression so melodramatic that it took me a while to notice he was kneeling on a lion.

  6. mkpatter +97

    I feel like at least half of these dudes are yelling, “I’M HOTTER THAN YOU, JESUS!!” at the sky.

  7. dreadfulwind +195

    “I’LL PRAY TO YOU WHEN AND ONLY WHEN YOU’RE READY TO LISTEN TO ME TALK ABOUT MY MANUSCRIPT”

    -prayer of that one guy who won’t shut up about his damn MFA, apparently

    1. allenknutson +7

      That one’s sooo Gilliamesque. Of course the one following it actually features Michael Palin’s _face,_ so I suppose that’s the winner for Python-ness.

  9. tabbylavalamp +43

    I’m an atheist but if I ever start praying I will FOR SURE be doing it rocking an awesome helmet and raising a righteous fist to the heavens/Olympia/Asgard/etc.

    1. wild fruits +14

      Yeah, it doesn’t really look like it needs to be kneed in the throat anymore.

  11. CleverManka +151

    go ahead and kill me, fuckdicks
    good luck scrubbing my ass out of the afterlife
    I’ll crawl into heaven and shit up the place

    My new motto for living life with a chronic illness

  13. Goomaly +41

    I’ll crawl into heaven and shit up the place

    Gotta say, if my childhood had more of this type of prayer, I might still be the praying type.

      1. Vera +5

        I just had to (I tend to think – and converse – in songs ;)) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deb1JbdkG0Q (Hebrew)
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPDwDb5pyuY (French)

        “My son you look so bad
        You should take care of yourself
        Never forget your vitamins
        Cover yourself well when it’s cold
        I know you are not nine anymore
        But you’re still my child
        They are always on the alert
        Jewish mothers

        I think you’re doing too much sport
        They say it is not very healthy
        It’s dangerous all these efforts
        do you actually need that ?
        I know you are not fifteen anymore
        But you’re still my child
        They are worried and emotional
        Jewish mothers

        […]

        Your wife is almost a child
        How can she take care of you?
        She does not even know how to cook
        Luckily I’m here
        I know you are not forty anymore
        But you’re still my child
        They can be possessive
        Jewish mothers
        […]
        Come on darling, come my child
        Do not worry, I do not cry
        Even when you do not call me
        I’m the one to whom it does not matter
        I know you are not sixty anymore
        But you’re still my child
        They are soft and naive
        Jewish mothers

        When my mother spoke little
        I found it unbearable
        Since her absence overwhelms me
        I dream every night to hear
        I know you are not seventy anymore
        But you’re still my child
        She was as pure as the water of life
        My Jewish mother”

  16. Hepzebah +37

    Is it just me or does the one with the rock look like an amateurish collage? Like they took the head out of an elaborate painting and pasted it into a plain one and forgot to bring the neck along.

    1. jenavira +25

      hiz hed is pastede on?

      (I am so, so sorry for resurrecting this rightfully-dead meme, but in my defense, I did the same damn thing in medieval history class in 2006.)

    3. Amanda Orchard +3

      I honestly thought he looked a bit like Saddam Hussein in all those Southpark episodes… which is, I guess, to say: nope, not just you.

  17. Teka Lynn +54

    “You’re not the only recipient of prayers in the whole world,” is pretty hilarious if you’re a polytheist.

    1. wild fruits +25

      And even if you’re not. I like a guy who gets routinely annoyed by voices from the sky while he’s trying to get some damn work done.

  18. jennycieplak +10

    I apologize for not being well versed in Western Art History but who is the dude in the second to last painting supposed to be? Is he in bed or something? He looks like he’s sitting up in bed.

      1. Marthooh +30

        “Sir John Luttrell was an English soldier, diplomat, and courtier under Henry VIII and Edward VI… The painting is thought to represent John’s anger at the peace treaty of 1550 between England and France…”

        The Treaty of 1550, man. For so many of us, it was like a bad dream.

        2. sneepsnake +2

          See, I looked at the painting and my first thought was ‘is that supposed to be some weird-ass representation of the armada?’

  19. Kay +26

    The last one… I think it was in a picture bible I had as a kid? “The Bible in Pictures for Little Eyes?” Yes! I’m sure it was! And the lion always took me by surprise. I’d look at the picture and then read the paragraph and the words talked about “See the lion?” and I was like, “What lion?” and then I’d be like, “Oh. Right. Dead lion.” I really respect that they were not using stupid dumbed-down cartoon dead lion drawings, now that I think about it.

        1. Kay +8

          Hee. I know, right? My very religious aunt gave it to us. I really did love it as a kid, though. All the pictures were like this one. (I mean, not counting the suprise! dead lion.) But random works of art that I imagine are public domain displaying various stories from the Bible. When my son was born our (very hip, progressive) church gave us this gigantic kids’ Bible, and I was just like, “Wut? Cartoons? That seems wrong, thank you. Simplified versions of the Bible are supposed to involve oil paintings.”

        2. OoTheHumanities +7

          How have I never thought about this? NO WONDER THEY LOOK SO BIG. I am a little bit less of a moron, thanks to you!

  20. VioletandIrises +35

    Manuscript guy is that one painting that your great-aunt has in her kitchen where nobody knows where it came from and everyone’s creeped out by it.

    Also I appreciate the very exaggerated hacky comedian type devil going on in the bottom of #2.
    “Hey, look at me, I’m crrrraaaazy!”

  21. futeffla +39

    I will be using ‘shit up the place’ in my daily life, which is a fitting counterpoint as Women Praying Furiously In Western Art History has led to me using ‘Bet you didn’t expect [insert thing here], did you, fucko’ a LOT.

    1. sarahgundle +27

      My coworkers and I used “now and in the hour of our lobster” for at least a solid month anytime something ridiculous happened (which was a lot since we were about to offshore a complicated process and people kept saying “But you’ll still fix this for me once it moves, right? You can’t expect me to follow the rules, right?”)

    2. Es_Petal +14

      Me too. I never knew there were so many people who needed to be referred to as fucko before.

    3. popelizbet +7

      I have the image Mallory matched with that as my computer lock screen because it is my heart.

  24. foxinthe_snow +73

    The only way that dick ribbon can possibly be staying on is if that guy has a raging boner and he’s wrapped the ribbon around it to keep it cosy and dry away from all that sea spray. You do you, dick ribbon guy.

  25. pigeonsquid +56

    I’m not sure why this has never bothered me before, but: why are there multiples keys to Heaven??? Why would Heaven need multiple locks? I mean, what, is it in a bad neighborhood?

    1. popelizbet +11

      Ask John of Patmos. Apparently Heaven appreciates something in the key of sevens a lot.

    2. Truly +9

      I was confused too! Like, the gold key is held higher and pointing upward but the black one is held lower and pointing downward, and that’s gotta MEAN something because ART, so I googled it and got a bunch of hits about Christ holding the keys to heaven and hell but that dude looks old even for an Aryan Jesus and now I’m still confused.

      1. margotayer +17

        It’s St Peter (one of the fishermen/apostles). Christ gave him the keys to heaven and hell. He’s often portrayed at the gates of Heaven (see many New Yorker cartoons).

        2. drlemaster +14

          Me damit, Peter! When I told you we needed two-factor authentication, I didn’t mean just add a second key. The second factor has to be something like an aura scanner, or a divinely-inspired 6 digit code.

    3. msbias +16

      Yup, you’ve got to watch yourself round there. They’ll have your forearm and be off down the street before you know it.

  26. nopemobile +16

    The manuscript guy is where I lost it and just started shaking silently at my desk. It’s a good thing I have no coworkers within my immediate area.

  27. alula_auburn +30

    I feel like we could lock any of these guys up with the God from Paradise Lost and the passive-aggressive whine-offs would be GLORIOUS. (Plus, it would give the angels more time to go have genderqueer sex.)

    That sheep is adorable though! That guy has the worst kind of indie film put-upon face and Lamby is all “look at me! Just here, being a lamb! It’s pretty great, actually! Wheee!”

    Also, I love the background of heaven for forearm guy looks like a bunch of women quietly mocking him/grouching that their cool friend is still pining after that dude.

  30. TheVelourax +9

    Mr. Forearms looks eerily like a dear friend’s libertarian boyfriend, and this is exactly his attitude in life (often directed at “damn liberals”). I wish to send my friend the link but am feeling Greatly Conflicted about it possibly leading to: a) my friend becoming enlightened as to how insufferable her boyfriend is, or b) me finding out she’s well aware and is somehow okay with it.

  31. julezyme +3

    just popping in to note that Number 4 clearly must have a giant priapic woody, because he has got his cape straight up wound around it and tied on.

  32. Orla +9

    Soooo, I founded your church, and was your rock – and for that I get…keys?
    And I have to *work*?
    And get mansplained at about why I should open the gates constantly?
    SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURE.

  33. maryoftheassumptions +7

    Daniel wants to play a wicked air guitar solo to celebrate his defeat of the lion, but no, LAMB. Way to ruin my totally metal picture for God, MOM.

  34. PettyVengeanceFetish +3

    I got to number 2 and it all went downhill from there with the heinous donkey laughter

  35. The Elitist Semicolon

    hey hi can you just hold these for me just for a minute i'll be back soon

  36. pseudonymica

    Does anyone else feel slightly resentful of the Classical Art Memes Facebook for lacking Mallory's finesse? I mean, the build-up of hilarity ending with that punchy "are you there god" is just so satisfying.

  38. wee_ramekin

    Do you….have any overripe smashed fruit GIFs to share?

    I would like to see if my loins are similarly confused, or if they're just flat-out aroused.

  41. demachaut +5

    I know Elizabeth Jane Gardner’s “David the Shepherd” is supposed to be David, but that’s not the gender read I get on her, so I’m just going to add an “It’s me, Margaret” to it.